Compulsive Gambler in Recovery

"True" Recovery

2010-07-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

Here it is over four months since my last posting and if there was ever a doubt life does move so quickly!! In summary the last four months have been wonderful, another softball season was completed, my son made his First Holy Communion and unlike when my daughter made hers I was able to see my son make his. It was a great occasion and my incredible family and incredible wife's family made their ways out west to partake in the joyous occasion. Work has taken a turn for the absolute best, truth be told I wasn't exactly "happy" over the early part of this year; however; I continue to learn it is better to be content with what I have as opposed to be discontented with what I don't have. As faith would have it and yes, I am a very big believer in karma everything changed for the better over the past month. I cannot overstate the fact that I am beyond fortunate to even have a job let alone the type of job I have so yes, I am grateful for everything that is bestowed upon me, life is awesome.

That just about sums up the past four months and I realize if I had been writing every day or every other day over that same period I would have had forty or fifty pages not four or five sentences!!! In any event I have been thinking a great deal about "true" recovery over the past few weeks. I believe I am far from being in "true" recovery and I am uncertain if this is even attainable. I am not saying I am falling away from my recovery in fact I embrace recovery each and every day because recovery continues to save and enhance my life at every moment.

"True" recovery in my opinion is having balance in life. I encountered people in recovery every day and some embrace the concepts and others not so much. I do embrace those concepts but I do believe there can be too much of a good thing. For example, I love to run and if I were to run 20 miles every day I am feel better physically (I do think there will be problems with injuries in the long haul especially logging those long miles) but it would become another addiction. Can people become addicted to recovery, in my opinion yes, and I believe anyone (especially me!!) can become addicted to anything good or bad. If a person is addicted to recovery are they still recovering? This is tricky because of course I am recovering from my compulsive gambling addiction and it has been over 5 years since my last wager however; if there is something else that is taking over my life I am no longer in control of my life.

Another for instance is if I work too much is this another form of an addiction and the short answer is yes, and there is a term for it workaholic. I am not and never have prescribed to being a workaholic but I have to say I enjoy being at work and strangely enough in my 20 plus year working career my current position and my current employer is the most amount of fun I have ever had. Yes, there is stress and sometimes I wonder where the day went and what I actually did during the day but I look forward to going into the office. I have gotten off track regarding "true" recovery so to get back to my point (if there is one!!) I think "true" recovery is something to try for but can really never be attained especially for people like me who have addictive type personalities. I am running in the San Francisco Marathon later this month and this will be my 13 marathon and oh by the way I did finally qualify for the Boston Marathon which I will be running next April. I am addicted to running but I do my best to ensure it doesn't take over my life and it all goes back to that balance.

Most "normal" (not sure who that would be!!) people understand the concept of balance while us addicted people know what it means but really don't pay much attention to this concept. I try and sometimes I am successful and other times I am not so successful to have balance in my life but it isn't as simple as it seems. In summary (I have gone a long way with no apparent point, my apologies!!) I seek "true" recovery but understand life moves quickly and as long as I am being constructive as opposed to destructive life continues to improve each and every day!!

More than 3 Months, WOW!!

2010-02-20T12:24:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness I can't believe it has been more than three months since my last entry, my goodness how time flies when you (and I mean me!) are having fun!! I need to offer everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!!! Yes, the time continues to pass so quickly and each time I say to myself I am going to blog something invariably takes me away from doing this so today while I was messing around on the Internet I decided to stop by and write something. Normally I have an idea of what I would like to write but today I am just writing to write because it is therapeutic and I have missed this aspect of my therapy.

I continue to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings although I have missed the past week due to the Valentines Day Holiday and Softball obligations. Yes, my wife and I had a very nice Valentines Day just the two of us seeing The Blindside and having a nice dinner. I highly recommend The Blindside and I thought Sandra Bullock was great and the story was very inspiring. I couldn't believe how recent this story was since the main character was drafted by the Baltimore Ravens last year. Someone wrote the book and got the movie produced within the last five years which seems rather quick to me but nevertheless it was a very good movie.

Life continues to move along and I am back to coaching my daughter's softball season for the Spring Season. Softball is taken very seriously around here but my philosophy is to ensure the girls have fun. I don't know how well our team will do during the season but I can say this a great group of girls and we are having fun. Our first game is March 1st and it is a whirlwind for the next two months before the season ends in May. My daughter will get much more playing time at pitcher since she is one of our two main pitchers and when she pitches well her smile is as bright as I have ever seen. On the flip side when she doesn't pitch well her frown is on the other side of the spectrum. There is an adage that girls have to FEEL well to play well where boys have to PLAY well to feel well. In my daughter's case she has to play and feel well to play and feel well if that makes any sense!! She is a very focused 12 year old and yes, she turned 12 this month and my son turned 9 this month as well. Yes, it does seem like we were just taking them home from the hospital in Las Vegas those February days but here we are looking at the teenage years starting next year, oh my!!

Work is moving along and it would be dishonest to say everything is great. Overall everything is great but there are some down days but the up/good days far exceed those down days. I am in a position that I would have never dreamed of when this odyssey of mine started nearly five years ago. Yes, I am fast approaching my fifth year anniversary/birth date and if all goes well next Sunday February 28th that would mark five years without having placed a wager of any type. I had a conversation with a friend of mine who asked if I had any urges to place a bet and I can say without hesitation that I haven't had an urge whatsoever. This means nothing because I know from firsthand experience I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. This brings me to an unfortunate event that happened to a person with nearly 40 years of abstinence in the GA Program. This particular member somehow went back out gambling which at first glance was mind boggling. However, the more I thought and talked about it with my sponsor who puts everything in perspective when he said, "Does anything a compulsive gambler surprise you??" Yes, that does put in perspective and I know no matter how long I have abstinent from gambling that path of destruction is always ready to take me. The key is to continue on the path of recovery and avoid the destructive path through the GA Program and really embracing the principles. I wish this person nothing but the best and I know this is a wake-up call for me.

I would be remiss not to mention Tiger Woods because I have written about him in the past. Make no mistake I am and I still am a very big Tiger fan. I have watched this very unfortunate saga unfold over the past three months and when I first heard I really wasn't surprised. Not that I ever expected any of what has come out with this story but I can empathize with Tiger and I know how destructive an addiction can be. I do hope Tiger is getting the help he needs and at some point he returns to what he does best which is to play golf. However; he has more pressing needs to attend to such as his family and his addiction. I realize many people find the "addiction" concept a convenient excuse but deep down we are all good people and life throws us so many curves. I am rooting for Tiger to get better and I think if he is serious about getting his life in order he won't return to golf for at least the next six months and probably shouldn't come back until he feels he is on the road to recovery.

Another item in the local news had another "scandal" at my previous employer. It is very strange and ironic how things tend to work out in this world. A very large indictment was handed down and I know or I should say I knew the two who have been indicted. I really do feel sorry for them and I know firsthand what they are facing and where they are. The place is a hell hole and I do hope everything works out for the best.

That did feel good to write and hopefully I can get here more often than every three months, thanks!!

Clearly on the "Other Side"!!

2009-11-18T19:47:00.000-08:00

The theme for me these past few months has been the days passing by so quickly. There were a few occasions in the past two weeks where I wanted to sit down and write but I never made the time and that time just flew right by. I have heard so many people say “I never have the time to do fill in the blank….” I was never a big proponent of this and I am still not a proponent of this because to me it is a just another excuse. It is up to me to find the time and to make the time to do those things that keep me in recovery. In the past I let the time just go by now I am doing my very best to make the “best” of the time. As time goes I have now been out in the free world longer than I was in the not so free world. I served 19 ½ months and believe it or not it has been 20 ½ months on the “other side”.

There isn’t a comparison to which amount of time went faster but it really is hard to believe the five year mark is coming up very quickly. Now my life is filled with blessings and the days are whizzing by in a mere heartbeat. In terms of things whizzing by we completed the softball season this past Saturday as our team was eliminated from the end of the season tournament. Even though we didn’t do as well as I had hoped I had so much fun coaching my daughter and the team. There were some trying moments especially near the end of the season when our best player decided to forego our team for her All-Star team but in the end everyone seemed to have a great deal of fun. I do want to coach again in the spring and I got the “ok” from my daughter.

There is no doubt I am a very compulsive person as witnessed from my compulsive gambling days to my fanaticism of running and my insane diet. Another facet of my compulsive nature appeared as I became very compulsive with coaching the softball team. I was always looking out for new drills and constantly playing with the line-ups. Hopefully this is a good thing and I do believe it is a good thing because it did not take over my life. There were times where I spent many hours planning for the upcoming game and or practice but overall it was a wonderful experience. I was blessed with a great group of parents and made some new friends as well. Strangely enough these new friends have law enforcement backgrounds and it is so nice to have the past in the past as I was called “Coach” the entire season. Wow, what a difference a few years makes and what a difference a life in recovery makes!!

We had the team party last night at a very cool pizza/arcade. The great part about was seeing the girls interact with one another and it was only 2 ½ months ago that we started the season but there were some friendships formulated. Life is really about experiences and hopefully the girls along with the parents had a positive experience over the season. I know I had a very positive experience through and through. I really can’t wait for the spring season to start so I can plan, devise and strategize!!!!

Work had hit an “interesting” patch a few weeks ago but it that has past and work is going very well. This is yet another one of the many blessings in my life. It is so fascinating how a small decision nearly 5 years ago has altered my life for the better. As the “walls” were closing in on me I made a decision to attend a class and from that class started a friendship and from that friendship I am where I am today. I took a class to be a Counselor to Compulsive Gamblers and met my now boss. I did pass the class but I don’t have the necessary hours to be a counselor. However; once again everything in my life does work out for the very best.

It is hard to believe the holiday season is rapidly approaching with Thanksgiving only one week away. I have so much in my life to be thankful for and it starts with my family. My wife is incredible, my daughter and son are incredible and so is my life. The holidays are a very special time of the year but no matter the “special” day all my days are extra special.

Yesterday we had a parent/teacher conference with my son’s third grade teacher. This was a different type of conference that my wife and I had as compared with the conferences with our daughter’s teachers. Our daughter has spoiled us because she is a great student through and through and requires little to no attention. My son on the other hand requires much more attention and it appears he is at a crossroads in his scholastic career. The teacher stated “he is a good kid” which did mean a great deal; however he is struggling with reading. This isn’t a surprise and last year he received special attention but do to the budget cuts this year that special attention has gone away. I have confidence in my son because it is apparent he can do the work but he is so easily distracted.

The teacher was great explaining the process to us and she put it very succinctly that the current system is very hard on an active third grade boy. My son would rather play outside than do anything else in the world so getting him in front of a book has been a challenge. He could very well be on “fence” but I do believe he will move to the right side of the fence and straighten things out. He really is a sweet kid and it is up to us to provide the delicate balance he needs to move in that proper direction. I am sure there will be some bumps on the way but once again everything will indeed work out for the very best.

Disappointment Noted

2009-10-31T15:45:00.000-07:00

It has been a wonderful two weeks since I last sat down to write a blog. My Mom came out for a visit and I was able to see my sister and her family along with a very pleasant surprise. Last week my Mom came in from New Jersey and we met her in Disneyland. My younger sister had a scheduled vacation with her family in Disneyland and since it is so close it was a natural to go and see them. It was supposed to be a surprise for our children because we didn’t let them know Grandma was coming but that surprise wasn’t as good as it could have been. There was another surprise that I was not in on. As we were waiting for Grandma to make her entrance into my younger sister’s hotel room in walked my older sister. This was a surprise to me and at first it took a few seconds to register. I was indeed surprised; however; I did ask her if my niece joined her since we were short players for our softball game the following day, yes, it is always about softball!! No, my niece didn’t join her but it was great to see my sisters all in the same room.

It doesn’t happen often that all of us are in the same state let alone the same room. I live in California, my younger sister lives in Colorado and my older sister lives in New Jersey so getting us all together is a major accomplishment. My Mom has stressed the importance of staying close and in spite of our geographical differences we are very close. It was tenuous with my older sister due to all of my “issues”; however; as time has passed my older sister and I get along very nicely. We had a very good conversation as I took my sister back to the airport for her return trip home. I can’t say enough about my younger sister who has been a steadfast supporter from the beginning and I owe her so very much for all the tremendous support.

Everyone had a great time at Disneyland and we did the usual attractions frequenting California Adventure mostly. My son even stepped up and went on Californian Screaming which he passed on during our last visit to Disneyland back in January. (By the way the last time we were in Disneyland my Mom joined us as well!) He still wanted no part of Tower of Terror but based on his progression I surmise he will be joining my daughter and me on this ride during our next visit.

Yes, it was a great trip to Disneyland and it is always great to have my Mom here for a visit. This is her third time this year and fourth time since we all returned to California. Her visit went so quickly and was filled with baseball and softball games. Upon our return we made our way to the respective “diamonds” with my daughter and son both having games during my mother’s visit. My daughter’s game last Saturday was very interesting because we only had 8 players due to injuries, prior commitments and family trips. The girls played hard and my daughter pitched as much as she has ever pitched in her short career. She ran out of gas in the last inning and we were on the short side of the ledger but we returned against the same team the following Monday and were on the winning side of the ledger. This was very cool to see the girls bounce back and no matter what happens during the year end tournament I have had a blast coaching this team.

My son has turned a corner and just like most of his season he is coming into his own. He had some very good hits and is certainly hitting the baseball better than he has all season long. My mom got to witness all the games and the whirlwind of our days. The days consist of going to work and getting the kids to and from their various games and yes, those days fly by and so did my mother’s visit. It was hard to believe I was taking her to the airport for her return trip home. We had a very nice lunch on the way to the airport and my mom is such a special person I am blessed to have her in my life.

I had a few “trying” days at work earlier this week and I had to call on all my recovery powers. I did manage to lose my “cool” during a discussion which is very unlike my demeanor. Normally I just listen and let the “tough” moments blow over but I felt I needed to say something. In retrospect I should have kept my mouth shut and just took it so I will chalk it up to a learning experience. I am very fortunate to be in the position I am and very grateful to the people I work for and with. I need to acquiesce to their wishes no matter how I feel because it is their business and I need to respect their wishes. I have to get down to business and make those people happy because this in turn will make me happy and truth be told I don’t have many (if any!) other options. I do enjoy what I am doing and I do enjoy everyone in the office so I do need to suck it up!!!!

I did have some unfortunate news this past week and it has to do with this insidious addiction of compulsive gambling. I “quasi” sponsor a person in the Gamblers Anonymous Program and this is a person I met several months ago. I received a very strange text and subsequently had a very strange conversation. I just didn’t understand the conversation but it became clear a few hours after the conversation. I received a text and the information in the text made what had happened abundantly clear. This person had gone back out gambling and as our little yellow combo states the results weren’t so good.

I cannot and will not work anyone’s recovery other than my own. I am here and I will listen along with hopefully offer some very sound suggestions but I cannot control another person’s thoughts and actions. I was a bit disappointed but this was a wake-up call to me. No matter how well I think I am doing I need to keep the Gamblers Anonymous Program in my life by attending meetings and keeping in touch with those in the program. If I don’t the results are disastrous and I have no intention of walking those paths every again. However; the only way for me to continue my recovery is to work the program to the best of my ability. I owe everything I have to the Gamblers Anonymous Program because I not only have my life back this is a much better life than it has ever been. Wow; life does work in mysterious ways and I am very fortunate in every aspect of my life.

Attitude Revisited

2009-10-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

Another week in the books and wow these days are roaring by!!! I remember a time not so long ago when I wanted the days to be “fast forwarded” now I want the days to be put on “pause”!! Lately the “fast forward” has been fully enforced and this isn’t necessarily a good thing but compared to those days when I wanted this button to be pushed this is a great thing!

The week has been filled with the usual of work, softball and I was even able to attend a Gamblers Anonymous meeting during the week. I wasn’t able to attend last Sunday evening as we were stuck in the Verizon store getting my wife a new cell phone as a replacement to a broken cell phone. This took much longer than either of us anticipated but fortunately there weren’t any softball games (only practices) during the week I was able to attend a Wednesday evening meeting.

I was very impressed with the size of the meeting and it appears our group has adjusted to the new meeting times and venue. There was an internal issue with the Wednesday meeting but this was more aligned towards where we hold the meeting. The meetings are held at the place I work at and since our GA group has grown along with another meeting the meeting space has become a hot topic. Hopefully this will be all worked out in a few weeks as we accumulate more meeting space but in the meantime I was very happy to be the mediator.

The meeting was very good and the topic very appropriate to my week. The topic was “attitude” and I spent the past few days prior to this dealing with attitude. It all started at last week’s softball game where one of the players displayed less than stellar attitude. I had a few complaints and had to address the issue at our practice on Monday. I did have a discussion (albeit one sided!) with my daughter on having a “good” attitude as opposed to a bad attitude prior to the Monday’s team meeting. At the meeting I stressed the importance of maintaining a positive attitude over a negative attitude and I was quite impressed when the player in question pointed out her own flaws. I thought this to be a great sign and hopefully my words of “wisdom” (tongue firmly planted in cheek!) hit home to some of the players.

I know it is often a struggle with my own daughter who I have had a very difficult time with over the past few days. Yesterday I nearly ripped her head off as she wasn’t ready for the game and made a ridiculous respect. I know I am blessed with an incredible family and our children are really very good; however; there are times such as yesterday where I do wonder where I have gone wrong. I don’t like it at all when my daughter expects certain things and I am certain the finger comes right back to me because she has been given these things by wife and me over the past 11 years. Material items should not be the most important aspect in anyone’s life and it does drive me crazy when I hear this from my own daughter. I am a bit frightened as my daughter enters her teenage years but I have faith through all the bumps and bruises along the way everything will turn out great.

Softball keeps moving along and my coaching skills are being enhanced (I hope!!). We haven’t won a game in the past three games and the errors are killing us. We had a great week of practice and I thought this would translate into a great game. However; yesterday those errors were prevalent and we lost to what seemed like an inferior team. I too made some coaching errors as I tried a few things that didn’t work out so well. This is the fall and thankfully standings aren’t kept. There is a tournament at the end of the season to assess what the teams have learned and hopefully by that time we will have gotten all the bad stuff out of the way!! In the meantime it has been a great deal of fun coaching these young ladies and if my daughter allows me I will most likely coach again in the spring.

17 YEARS!!!!

2009-10-11T22:11:00.001-07:00

Seventeen years ago yesterday I said “I do” to my incredible wife. Yes, it has been 17 years already; it does seem like a blink of an eye because I can remember that day just like it was yesterday, heck even better than yesterday!!! It was a beautiful Autumn New Jersey day sandwiched between two dreary Autumn New Jersey days. I woke up that day just like I woke up yesterday and headed to the gym. I was explaining our wedding day to our 11 year old and she asked, “Who works out on their wedding day?” Yes, her Dad worked out on his wedding day and my son chimed in with an answer to this question, “Daddy was looking good for his wedding!” Wow how did I get so blessed with such an incredible family???

Back to that day 17 years ago and I do need to put it all in the proper context of my compulsive gambling addiction. I was in the midst of my second bout of my compulsive gambling addiction and I wasn’t the “usual” compulsive gambler because I wasn’t going to ruin my wedding day by gambling. I knew enough (but certainly not enough!!) that I couldn’t mess up my wedding day and I thought I could just stop gambling. Oh yes, that worked for about three weeks but I went right back to my old behaviors. Thank God for Gamblers Anonymous because it has been 4 years 7 months and 14 days since my last bet and I know if I follow the guidelines of the program I will make it 4 years 7 months and 15 days. I didn’t know about this 17 years ago and hey maybe things would have been different but everything continues to work out the way it is supposed to work it which is wonderfully.

It has been quite a ride these past 17 years and I am so fortunate to continue to spend each day with my wife. She had every right to abandon ship when all hell broke loss over 4 years but here we are. We spent most of the day on the softball and baseball diamond. First was the softball game and our team didn’t fare too well. Additionally there seemed to be some dissension in the ranks of the players and I was feeling the full affects of being a head coach for 11 pre-teens that some seem to be battling much bigger issues than fielding a softball. I have a sneaking suspicion everything will work out for the best or at least the way it should it be but it will be an interesting ride for the next month. Then it was time for the baseball diamond and my son finally got his first hit this season. It was a grounder to third and he was so proud of himself. The rest of his game went well and the day was finally over.

The children were taken care at their friends’ houses last night while my wife and I went out for a very nice dinner. We made our way to a new restaurant for the special occasion. The food was great and so was the company. We had a great time and it was a wonderful way to spend our 17th wedding anniversary talking the night away. The night ended supremely as the children came home from their friends’ houses. As I laid down I had a shiver come across my body savoring every moment of the past 17 years and knowing how blessed a person I am. Wow; my life is certainly incredible!!!

Powerful Clip!!

2009-10-04T15:11:00.000-07:00

Gravity Does Work!

2009-09-26T11:12:00.001-07:00

It is never a good thing to hear a wife scream in virtual dismay while laying in a semi-deep sleep at 11:00 pm!! Yes, this is exactly what transpired yesterday evening. I had fallen asleep a few minutes earlier but was awaken by some very disconcerting noises from my wife. My wife was in the bathroom very near the toilet and a very small connecting piece broke off and water was gushing everywhere. As soon as I heard my wife I leaped out of bed and made my way into the bathroom. I did my best to turn the valve off to stop the water but the valve would not close. There was water gushing everywhere and after what seemed like and entirety I decided I needed to turn off the main water valve to the house. This valve is located in the garage (downstairs from the master bathroom). I scampered downstairs and as I entered the kitchen I noticed the water leaking from the ceiling. The kitchen is directly below the master bathroom and it only made sense that the water was leaking from the ceiling as gravity was doing its job!

After struggling with the main water valve I managed to get it closed and the gushing water stopped. However; the damage was already done as the water was cascading from one of the light fixtures in the kitchen and the air conditioning vent as well. I am not exactly sure how long the water was gushing for but my best guest estimate would be around 6 or 7 minutes which apparently is a great deal of water. Thankfully everyone acted quickly and towels were thrown down along with makeshift buckets to catch the water. This could have been much worse and I hesitate to think if this had happened when no one was home, yikes!!

Since we are renting the house I placed a phone call to the property manager whose wife wasn’t exactly to hear from me at such a late hour but thankfully the Property Manager was very responsiveness. It was much too late to get someone at the house so the best course of action was to wait until the morning especially since the water had been turned off. My wife who was borderline hysterical when she saw the water cascading from the ceiling into the kitchen had calmed herself down. I am not exactly the “comforting” type in these types of situations because my reaction to her was that this is very inconvenient but certainly not the end of the world and yes, it could have been much worse.

We mopped up all of the freestanding water and the makeshift buckets were doing their job so we decided to go to sleep. I did a better job of comforting my wife once we got into bed and we both smiled before falling asleep. This morning since the water was off and all of the “facilities” were off limits I needed to go to the gym earlier than planned. Also I couldn’t do my planned workout because the plumber was on his way and I wanted to get back to meet him. I got in a substandard workout and for some reason my stomach did not feel well at all. I managed to get in an hour workout and I like my new IPod (thanks Mom!). I still have to be aware of what caused the damage to my old IPod which was my excessive sweating during the workouts so I have employed a new tactic positioning the IPod on my arm instead of my waist. Who know if this will be effective but if it isn’t I need to think of something drastically different because I can’t keep going through an IPod every year.

I came home and after an hour the plumber did arrive and his assessment gave us comfort as he stated it wasn’t that bad. There was some damage to the ceiling in the kitchen and the good thing for us is the fact that the landlord shoulders the responsibility for these repairs. We are in the process of trying to buy the home and as fate would have it I made an official offer just yesterday. I wonder if this issue will hamper the process but I am very glad we don’t have to pay for the damages. In any event the ceiling needs to be re-done which should take about 2 days worth of work. Oh well; crazy things do happen and life is anything but boring!!!

Exceptional Everything

2009-09-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

The beat continues on as the weeks keep passing in a blink of an eye. Wow life is certainly fantastic in every aspect. The days are filled with work and softball. If anyone is concerned yes, I am still working out but I am in between races. I decided not to run a marathon next month and I am considering if I will run the half marathon instead. My body needs a break and it appears my next marathon will be in either November or December. I was hoping to be able to run the New York City Marathon this year but I was not fortunate enough to gain an entry. I will try again next year and from all accounts it is “the” marathon to participate in. The crowds are huge and the atmosphere electric. I have cut back on the running for now but I am still going to the gym between 4 and 5 days a week.

Last week I received a voicemail message from a long lost friend and I was taken by surprise. This is a friend that I have not spoken to in over 4 years. I have yet to catch up with this old friend as we keep exchanging voicemails. This is nothing new because I have a very dear friend who I have been trying to get a hold of since earlier this month but we must have exchanged at least 15 voicemails along with a few emails. It is interesting because in this day and age communications are at our fingertips but for some reason the personal connection of actually speaking with the other person is the best (at least in my opinion). In any event I am certain I will be able to speak with both of these friends in the not so distant future.

Softball is moving along as we won and lost our last two games. My daughter pitched in the game we won but it was a very interesting game as we gave up a big lead but won in the last inning. The game last night was not very good as our best player was busy with another endeavor and our team seemed to be asleep for the game. We made a gallant comeback but lost in a horribly played game by both teams (more so by us!). It continues to be a pleasure to coach the team and even though we played terrible the girls seemed to have bonded as a team. After the game I gave my post game “speech” and the girls didn’t disperse like they normally do. I took this to be a good sign and I know everyone has a terrible game and hopefully this was our one and only terrible game.

I had the pleasure of attending a Yankees/Angels game yesterday as I spent the day with my two bosses watching the Major League Baseball game. I still have a soft spot for the Yankees and even though I am a Mets fan and have been one for many years I don’t dislike the Yankees. I believe most Mets fans do hate the Yankees but I am not one of them. I am a big fan of Derek Jeter and don’t know how anyone could dislike the man. He carries himself with class and is quite possibly the best postseason player of all time. Sure the Yankees have been buying there way to the pennant which really hasn’t worked very well since 2000 but I was rooting for them yesterday albeit very quietly. The Yankees did field there “C” team but won the game in a very non-eventful 3-2 fashion. It was a great way to spend a Wednesday afternoon.

Work keeps moving along and I have some help thankfully. I found I am not very good by myself and work much better as a “director” as opposed to the person who actually performs the work. I found a very good assistant and it is working out very well so far. Business has been good lately and hopefully we can gain some momentum as we head to the historically slow months of November and December. I am very fortunate to be in the position I am in and very grateful for everything in my life. My boss was correct when he said, “we are the best thing that has happened to you post-sentence”. There is no doubt about this statement at all.

The days and weeks are passing soon enough and these days and weeks are filled with all good things. Last week was the fourth milestone celebration of our Gamblers Anonymous group. This marked two four year birthdays. One of the members has been a stalwart in the program and I do remember this person when they first entered the program. The other member came from a nearby group which was floundering four years ago yet somehow continued in the program and now has celebrated four years with the program. My sponsor stated it very clearly when he said this proves the program does work for anyone in any circumstance when the program is embraced wholeheartedly. Once again I am very fortunate in all these aspects and my life is indeed exceptional.

1-2-3!!!!!

2009-09-15T19:16:00.001-07:00

Astutely my mother has pointed out that I haven’t written anything in over two weeks. She is correct and in that time span instead of writing I have been very busy with all the good things in life. Work is moving along (more on that later), softball is taking a life of its own and overall everything is outstanding. I am really enjoying coaching my daughter’s softball team and I had no idea what I was getting myself into! The fall season is “supposed” to be instructional and non-competitive and for the most part this is how I am approaching the season. I have received a few “mixed” signals along the way but I am trying my best to filter out those mixed signals. The practices are going very well and I am very fortunate to have a great deal of help from many parents. This is a huge help because there is no way I could do all of this by myself. I schedule out the practices and the girls are improving with every practice.

This past Saturday we had our first game and I was very impressed as to how well each team played. We came out on the short end of the score but it wasn’t for lack of effort. We had one bad inning and really didn’t hit the ball when we needed to. However; all in all losing 4-1 wasn’t so bad. I even got my daughter into the game as a pitcher and I was more nervous about this than anything else. This is a very big transition year for her playing with and against girls one year older and much bigger. She is such a great competitor and the last thing I wanted to do was demoralize her. Thankfully the opposite happened as she recorded a 1-2-3 inning as the opposing team went down without a fight. The timing could not have been any better since she was facing the bottom three players in their batting order; however; even though my daughter did receive some help from one of the players she pitched great and as she came off the field she was beaming from ear to ear. Last season it took her all year to produce a 1-2-3 inning and here she was in her first game with the 1-2-3 inning, I was so happy!!

Yesterday we played our second game of the season and unlike the first game our bats were alive and well. We didn’t have any bad innings and made quick work winning 8-2. My daughter didn’t get a chance to pitch (I am picking my spots with her this season) but she did collect her first hit and first run scored of the season. She hit a very solid single to right field and made her way to home plate all the way from first base. It was great telling her to go home as the throw from third went into left field and she scampered home. I am so blessed experiencing all these wonderful things in life, wow!!

I can’t forget my son and it does feel weird not being at his games as much I have in the past. The roles have reversed and I am more involved with my daughter but I did see a little of his first two games. He too is facing a transition year in baseball as he moves up to play with 9 and 10 year olds. The rules are certainly more like “real” baseball with wild pitches, stolen bases and ball fours. My son is still searching for his first hit having walked three times and struck out twice in the first two games. He just needs some confidence and he is a very slow starter. He was playing great at the end of last season and I do expect he will find his own as the season continues.

Work is moving along very well and of course there are ups and downs. My ups far exceed my downs but there is something that has come up over the past week that is just one of those things. No matter how far I am from my past my past is still MY PAST. I know I can’t change any of what has happened and yes, I am doing my damndest to ensure that it NEVER happens again. However; perceptions are perceptions and I can’t shake or shape those perceptions. Fortunately I have great bosses who understand and really don’t care about those perceptions. I wouldn’t be truthful if I said I didn’t care about those perceptions either because there is a small part of me that wants to smack myself in the head for those perceptions. It is one of those “it is what it is,” things. I have to deal with it as best as I can and know I am on the right path to a wonderful life because my life is wonderful beyond my wildest dreams. I have an exceptional wife, awesome children, incredible family and fantastic friends. I need to move forward in positive and thoughtful matter.

I did miss a Gamblers Anonymous meeting over the Labor Day weekend because we were having a picnic with some dear friends. The picnic went well and it was great to reconnect with these dear friends. Normally I would be able to attend a GA meeting during the week but due to softball practices I wasn’t able to get to a meeting until the following Sunday. I needed that meeting this past Sunday because it is that connection to GA that keeps me on the right road of recovery. Also I haven’t been so good in keeping in touch with my sponsor which I need to make a much better effort in the coming weeks. Life is great and there are those ups and downs that go with life. I have all positive in my life and I owe all of this to recovery. I realize that with recovery life for me does not exist and I need to stay focused each and every day!!

Happenings....

2009-08-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, it has been awhile (once again!!). Let's see since the last time I posted I ran a half marathon, turned 44 and was named Head Coach for my daughter's softball team!!! That is only the highlights of the past few weeks because everything in between was as usual; wonderful!! I did have an interesting happenstance at work and I called on those things I cannot control as it was "strange" moment. That moment passed and yes, everything worked out great and continues to work out great; I even have an assistant which is a good thing. I am really good with people and there are some things that I am not really good with such as organizing. My offices always tend to be a mess and even in recovery I can't seem to shake my old habits of having a very messy office. Thankfully I found someone who is organized and will whip me into to shape, yay!!

I ran the America's Finest City Half Marathon for the second time. The first time was five years ago and although it was my best run since I was suffering from a horrible case of shin splints. My time was only 11 seconds slower than it was five years ago but those last two miles were very much the last two miles of a marathon. I have taken some time off from running only cycling because my legs need a break from the pounding and I was advised that it would be best for my shin splints. I was thinking about running the Long Beach Marathon in October but now that I have "softball obligations" I think it would be best to run the half marathon instead of the full marathon.

Yes, I have "softball obligations" as I have volunteered my services to coach my daughter's team. I have been promising her for the past year and this season I got the call that the league needed one more head coach. I was the "warm body" and this past week I have been immersed into all things softball. I am very excited and I met the entire team for the first time last night. I have a nice mix of girls and it should be a very good Fall season.

Earlier this week I did turn 44 and it was a very low key event which is the way I like it. We just went out to dinner as a family and that was all I needed. I had a great talk with my Dad prior to my birthday and we have come a very long way in the past four years which is very cool!! Life is indeed wonderful and I wouldn't be truthful if I said it was all wonderful. There are some down times but the "up" times far exceed those down times and I am eternally grateful for everything and everyone in my life!!!

Full Days and Weeks

2009-08-10T20:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been two weeks since my last posting and I was really hoping to post on a weekly basis; however; the days and weeks have been very full. All of this is positive and my goodness the time is moving so quickly. Over the past two weeks we had visitors and I made a visit to of all places Las Vegas. Our visitors were in the form of family members and hopefully everyone had a great time. I have even played some golf in the past few weeks to fill in some of those days. The visitors made great use of their time visiting some of the hot spots in Southern California such as the San Diego Zoo, Legoland and the beach along with visiting some local wineries.

Yes, I did make my way to Las Vegas last week for a work event and had a very good time bonding with my two bosses. I had no urges to gamble and really entering those resort casinos still makes me very angry. I know at some point I need to "let it go" but as of now I am not ready to "let it go". I lived in Las Vegas for over 7 years, my children were born in Las Vegas and I was building a very good career in the casino industry until my transgressions caused by my compulsive gambling addiction took that all away. This is why I still get angry when I visit Las Vegas because I really understand that business and did have a "good thing" going. I do realize that everything does work out for the very best and I am at a place where I should be.

I was in town for three days and three nights. The first night I spent at a very dear friend's house and we played golf the next morning at a great course. I hadn't played that particular course in nearly five years and I was very impressed. I do like the town of Las Vegas and it does have a soft spot in my heart knowing that is the birthplace of my children. I passed the hospital where they were both born and I had to smile. Those seven plus years weren't so bad and it has led me to where I am right now. I couldn't see raising our children in Las Vegas and thankfully we are in one of the most family friendly places in all of Southern California. Sure California has its problems but really I am so blessed for everything in my life.

The past week I had a surprise visitor in my sponsor coming in from Colorado. I hadn't seen my sponsor since last year and we met prior to the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting. My sponsor is a great person who has overcome some tremendous adversity and is a huge influence in my life. We had a wonderful time together and it was great having him in a meeting for the first time in a very long time. I continue to learn so much for this incredible person and I know everything will work out for the very best in his life.

It was a great weekend with my sponsor visiting and the following day my family attended the Mets/Padres game in San Diego. It was almost five years to the day that my son and daughter had attended their very first Major League Baseball game and yes, it was also the Mets/Padres. My son and I are Mets fans and surprisingly so is my daughter. The Mets are having such a tough season with all the injuries they have faced. They were victorious yesterday and lately those victories have been few and far between. It was great being at the game with my family and this time unlike the last time (yes, five years ago) my son stayed awake for the entire game!! He did fall asleep at that first game as a three year old but this time everyone was having a great time.

Life does move so quickly and those full days and weeks are whizzing by but I am so blessed being able to enjoy each and every moment. Yes, I had a great time in Las Vegas and it didn't involve gambling whatsoever. I was able to bond with my bosses and I am so fortunate to be in the position I am in. Wow; life is wonderful!!!!!

Swiftness of Life

2009-07-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

The summer is almost over for the children. We have another set of visitors coming in tomorrow and after they depart my children will have only one more week before school commences. My children’s school is a 10 month program leaving them only 8 weeks off for the summer and yes, this summer has gone quickly. It started with a trip to New Jersey and a return with Grandma and their cousin topped off with a visit from an Aunt, Uncle and two more cousins.

Wow time does fly when you are having fun. I can safely say time moves ahead no matter the circumstances which are why it is best to enjoy each and every day. I had a teacher in high school explain the movement of time by using fractions and it has stuck with me ever since. One year in a one year old life marks 100% of their life where one year in life of a 50 year old marks 1/50th of their life which is a huge difference and which is why time does move by so quickly.

Yes, two weeks have come and gone since I last wrote this blog and interestingly enough there has been some Google searches in the past few days which have landed some people here looking for assistance with compulsive gambling. My only advice to someone seeking help for their addiction or a loved one’s addiction to compulsive gambling is to go to the Gamblers Anonymous website www.gamblersanonymous.org. Hopefully there will be a meeting nearby and hopefully they will attend and take hold of the miracles inside of the program.

Life does move swiftly and lately I have been unable to attend the Sunday evening meeting but thankfully I have been able to attend a few meetings during the week. Last week I attended the Wednesday Topic meeting and the Friday Milestone meeting. Both meetings were very good and the Milestone meeting had two celebrants one with 3 years and the other with 2 years in the program. It is a remarkable program with remarkable results and these 2 celebrants were very well received.

My mom and niece returned back to New Jersey last week and we all had a great time during their visit. We had a great dinner party with four of my “new” friends but really these are all old friends. I am so blessed in every aspect of my life and the sharing the evening with my family and friends was great. The journey of life does have twists and turns along the way but all these “twists” and “turns” have been incredible and have brought these blessings into my life. I am so fortunate to have so many loving, caring and giving people in my life and although we couldn’t invite all these friends the other night I thank each and every one of them for entering my life.

Yesterday I was able to play golf with an “old” friend and we had a great time. This is a friend who has been there “before” and now “after”. We don’t see each other as often as we did in the past but we make each time that we see each other count. We shared a round of golf on a hot day in Southern California but the heat didn’t matter as the conversations flowed steadily throughout the afternoon. There is an “issue” that needs to be resolved and we both took a very big step in tackling this issue and I do know everything will work out for the very best because it always does.

Work is moving along very well and I am taking my first business trip in a very long time. We are headed to yes, Las Vegas which isn’t the ideal place for a compulsive gambler but gambling is not exactly on my mind. I wasn’t the casino gamer but I did gamble in casinos periodically. I have zero desire and I am looking forward to the “business” aspect of the trip. I am travelling with my two bosses who are great and they know my background intimately. If there was any doubt I wouldn’t have been invited and I look forward to hanging out with them for a few days. Wow, what a difference a few years makes and yes, my life is incredible!!!

Another Milestone of Sorts

2009-07-12T17:45:00.001-07:00

It has been a very nice week without the children. My wife got back from New Jersey this past Tuesday evening and it has been just the two of us this week. The children are being well taken care of in New Jersey by Grandma and company this week and will be back next week. They come back with Grandma and their cousin which starts off our visitors this month. Grandma stays for a week and the following week my brother-in-law and his family will arrive for a one week visit. This week could be considered the “calm before the storm” and in any event it has been a nice respite with just my wife. We have had a great weekend going out to dinner and seeing a very funny movie (The Hangover). Today my wife was kind enough to allow me to play golf with my friends who were visiting from Las Vegas and it is always good to see them.

Wow; what a difference three years makes; yes, it was three years ago today I was sentenced and to say that wasn’t such a good day would be a bit of an understatement. However; that was the beginning of the end and the start of a wonderful beginning. I had been dreading that day three years ago but when it happened I was certainly relieved because all the waiting and not knowing had come to an end. I could concentrate on my sentence which was in judicial terms four years which meant I would serve two years and if I made it to fire camp that sentenced would be reduced. I was fortunate enough to make to fire camp and I ended up serving 19 ½ months of those 24 months which was certainly blessing.

I have now been out a little over 16 months and my life is incredible. I have been bestowed with incredible blessings and I never have a right to complain about anything. I certainly chose not to complain about anything because my life is turning out the way it was intended. I did deviate from this wonderful life but thanks to recovery I am right back on track and this track is even more beautiful than it has ever been in my life. I was rejoined by my family just about one year ago and I have been fortunate enough to land a fantastic job in this dreadful economy. Yes, wow I am a very fortunate person in every way possible.

Life is moving along as well as possible and it would be a disservice not to mention more about recovery. I have a job that is all about recovery and although my position is not exactly recovery related I do understand recovery fairly well. This all stems from the Gamblers Anonymous Program and yesterday morning I spoke with a member who is new to the program and was struggling. We talked for awhile and I mentioned a few things and I was happy to hear, “You’re right” a few times during our conversation.

I don’t believe this was just lip service and I do hope this person did the things we spoke about. The furthest thing on my mind is placing a bet but this was one of the first things on this person’s mind. I utilized the tools in the program and reminded this person to “play the tape all the way through”. This is so important because I know there isn’t anything good that happens when I gamble. I had such a twisted mindset when I was gambling I often wonder how I functioned all those years. Yes, hopefully this member does play the tape all the way through and continues doing the things that has made them successful.

I needed this telephone call because I do need to be reminded where compulsive gambling can take me. There is no guarantee in life and the only thing I can do is stay mindful of doing the right things. This may seem over simplistic but keeping it simple does help me tremendously. I do the right things and the right things happen. I do the wrong things and the wrong things happen. Yes, that is a very simple choice and I cannot forget where I was three years ago to this very day. That was a journey and this journey continues in a much better manner.

What 27 Years Already???

2009-07-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am “baching” it this week as the family continues their visit in New Jersey. In the years past I would like forward to these times of me being a “bachelor” but not anymore. I miss them and life is fairly uneventful without the family. Yes, I was without my family for nearly 2 years and 19 ½ months of those 2 years I was in place no one should ever experience but thankfully those days are long gone. It has been uneventful these past few days and really I could only work so long during the day and I can only exercise so much during the weekend. I look forward to the return of my wife this week as the children stay for one more week visiting the family. I am so fortunate to have such a great family on both sides of the aisle. There is so much family back in New Jersey that I know the children are in good hands and will continue their great visit.

I haven’t been doing much with myself over the past few days other than the aforementioned work, exercise and yesterday I reintroduced myself to my golf clubs. I hadn’t swung a golf club in nearly six months and it was good to get out on the golf course. There really isn’t much time for golf nowadays with the children’s activities on the weekend and work during the week. It seems like I always “found” time in the past to get out and play golf but that time is so much more precious today and I would much rather be at a baseball or softball game on the weekends as opposed to chasing a little white ball around! I did have fun chasing the little white ball yesterday and even though I couldn’t hit a lick on the driving range my swing seemed to return and it was a very fun round.

I didn’t ask anyone to play so I went out by myself and played the first 7 holes by myself. I was really enjoying that period of time and swinging the club very well. I did pair up with a very nice gentleman for a few holes and my game seemed to suffer during those holes. I don’t know what it was but I seemed to play much better by myself and it seems if I am going to play a good round of golf no one should be around!! That wouldn’t be much fun and I do enjoy the company of my friends while playing golf but yesterday no one was available so I made do and it was alright.

Work is moving along and I have several projects I need to complete in the coming days. I need to motivate myself much better and realize I am much better at managing people than I am at doing the actual work. That is probably a bad thing but it is the truth. I do manage only one person in the office and this is a pleasure. I have always found it better to treat people like adults and let them make their own decisions. This has worked out great over the years and it seems to be working out very well now. I am not a micro-manager but I am always there to answer any questions and offer advice. I can remember a few episodes in my “previous life” where I would just shake my head as to how other managers treated their subordinates. Fortunately in my current environment I don’t have to shake my head anymore.

I had a horrible run yesterday morning and for the first time in a very long time I just wanted to stop running before I was finished. I fought through the last few miles and did stop after 12 miles. I initially wanted to do 16 miles but I was winded and had enough at mile 12 calling it a day. I did try to cycle for another 30 minutes but I listened to my body at the 12th minute as I headed for the shower. It was interesting how I felt so bad at a pace I have done and exceeded many times prior. It was one of those and yes, those days do happen but thankfully they are few and far between.

Yesterday the Fourth of July marked the 27th anniversary of the first time I met my wife. Yes, it was 27 years ago we went out on our first date and I can still remember it like it was yesterday. I was at a picnic with my Dad and a very good friend of mine (at that time). We returned early and I was talked into going on a double date that night and now 27 years later along with a great deal of memories and two extraordinary children life is wonderful. It is funny how a seemingly insignificant event turned into a momentous event. This is exactly why all moments should be experienced with open arms because who knows what may transpire from that one moment. I wouldn’t have predicted that going on that double date would lead to a life with such an extraordinary person in my wife. I just thought “why not?” and look what happened. There were so many “what ifs” 27 years ago and this crazy plan by a Higher Power is magical; thankfully because of recovery I am able to really embrace the wonderment of life. Wow; 27 years; where has the time gone and guess what it is not about to slow down! I love you sweetie and thank you for everything!!!!

Returning "Home"

2009-06-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

The trip to New Jersey has come and gone so quickly. Here I am once again sitting on airplane but this time the airplane is headed west back to California. The visit went well and now my wife is staying one more week and the children will be staying two more weeks. It was great to see everyone and there was an added bonus this time as my Dad was in New Jersey. This was the first time I had seen my Dad in nearly 5 years. Yes, 5 years which was “before” all the “stuff” had happened. We went to Florida (that is where my Dad lives with his very special wife) back in 2004 to visit my Dad for his 60th birthday and the summer of that same year my Dad came out to California to visit us. I hadn’t seen him since that time and oh yes a great deal has transpired between the last time we had seen one another.

My father was not exactly a big “fan” of mine over the past four plus years when all Hell broke loose and rightfully so. The quote that sticks out in my mind when was my father said to me, “I love you but I don’t like you very much,” when it all started over four years ago. Thankfully our relationship has gotten so much stronger through all of this and from that initial quote I got a very big hug a few days ago from my father as he said, “I love you.” I did tell him I loved him as well and oh yes, I am so fortunate how everything continues to work out for the very best.

I had no idea where all of this was going back four years ago all I could do is live one day at a time. Yes, I owe this all to the Gamblers Anonymous Program and my life is filled with incredible joys. These incredible joys are daily and this past weekend it was indeed wonderful seeing my father and giving him that big hug. It does appear I have come a very long way in a short period of time and I must be mindful because all of this is fleeting. If I lose focus or get complacent it can all come crashing down at any moment. I have no plans or intentions of losing focus or getting complacent which is why I love and embrace recovery one moment at a time. The past few days have been filled with wonderful moments and seeing my Dad along with everyone added to those special moments.

The Christening went well and it is truly amazing how quickly the children are growing up. My sister who resides in New Jersey has three children and all three of her children are older than my children. Her oldest just graduated from high school and is headed to college in a few months. My nephew who turned 16 a few months ago is a taller than me and such a great person. My sister’s youngest who is only 10 months older than my daughter is almost a foot taller than my precious daughter; time does wait for no one and keeps on moving on so rapidly. It was great seeing them and it was great seeing the nieces and nephew on my wife’s side of the family. They are a little younger than my children but they are going so rapidly as well. One niece has gone through so many ordeals that no person let alone a five year old should go through yet is still a very normal five year old. The new niece is so cute and the littlest nephew is a typical three year old.

I was able to visit with my 86 year old grandmother who has battled her share of health problems over the very recent years yet her mind is so sharp. Wow; I have been blessed with such a special family on both sides of the aisle. Thankfully I am now more aware of these blessings than I have ever been at any point in my life and yes, this is directly related to recovery.

I was able to get in two runs during the visit and these were very good runs outside in the greenery of New Jersey. Yes, believe it or not New Jersey does have greenery in spite of its reputation and with all the rain the area has had it was very green! It was so nice to just run and enjoy the area. I still prefer California for a many reasons but New Jersey really isn’t so bad! I know my wife will enjoy the remainder of her stay and our children are in great hands with their grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins and all the rest of the wonderful people who provided so much love while they lived there for two years. Life is an amazing journey and this journey is truly tremendous.

Flying East Once Again

2009-06-26T21:19:00.000-07:00

It really does seem like yesterday when I last sat on an airplane and typed. It has been almost one year since that very special day I made my way from Southern California to New Jersey in order to reunite with my wife and children. Yes, we have been all together for almost one year all living together enjoying each very special moment. Today we are making our way east for our annual trip to New Jersey. This time I didn’t need any special permission and it does feel wonderful. We are traveling to New Jersey to celebrate the birth of a new cousin/niece. My wife’s brother and his wife welcomed a beautiful baby daughter this past April and we will be celebrating her christening this weekend.

In the past trips to New Jersey did cause me consternation but ever since reuniting with my family last year I am welcoming this trip with open arms. I do need to provide a disclaimer since I am not staying very long only four days but this is due to work. I realize that life is not about work; however; there does need to be a balance and that balance seems to be a “work in progress”. I was hoping we would be able to take other vacations this summer while the children were off from school but this summer seems to be packed already.

My wife is staying in New Jersey for an extra week and the children are staying another week longer. They will return with my mother and hopefully my niece where my mother will stay another week. This puts us into the ladder part of July and then my brother-in-law’s family will be visiting us for one week. By the time all the trips and visits are completed the children will be back in school; wow summer does move so quickly!!! The children “only” have 8 weeks off for the summer since school starts in the early part of August. Their school year is 10 months long and there has been talk about shortening the school year due to the fact that California is going broke but no definitive word has been released.

In the meantime I am sitting here with my wife on my right and my children on my left. The children are GREAT travelers and the amazing thing is that the two of them are actually sitting next to one another. I can’t stress that enough because on the first leg my son sat next to me and my daughter sat next to my wife as we were across the aisle from one another. The option was given to my children on this flight and it was my daughter’s idea to sit next to her brother. I do think she had an ulterior motive but hey I will take what I can get and yes, they do like one another!!

The trip has been uneventful so far and this is always a good thing. The flight from San Diego to Houston went quickly and now we are headed from Houston to Philadelphia. We are flying into Philadelphia for cost reasons and it really isn’t that far from where my mother resides. In any event this isn’t our “normal” travels but really what does “normally” mean????

Earlier this week I had the opportunity to speak at the Monday Gamblers Anonymous meeting. This marked my third time as a speaker and each time the program’s principles are reiterated loud and clear. At this meeting there was a first time member and it was obvious this person wanted to be anywhere other than in the room. A friend had basically coerced this person to attend and I believe the friend got more out of the meeting than the other person. It certainly “takes what it takes” to fully surrender to the baffling hideous addiction of compulsive gambling. God knows I am a prime example of this foolishness. It did take handcuffs to finally drop me to my knees knowing that gambling took over my life and it was totally out of control. The signs were there for years yet I ignored them and the disease continued to grow.

The analogy to cancer has been made time and time again in the program and I do believe that compulsive gambling is a disease of the brain which manifests itself in many other areas. The only treatment for my disease is practicing the principles of the program which is to live life one moment at a time along with a embracing the GA Program into my life. Thankfully I walked into that room over four years ago and life continues to be incredible. There isn’t any shortage of great days and really each day is a great day.

The question of me putting on a “façade” was posed a few days ago and the only way I can answer this question is with my actions. Yes, I have been extremely fortunate how well everything is working out and I do believe that is a direct result of doing the right things. If I didn’t do the right things none of this would happen and life would be very different. This doesn’t mean that I still have a long way to go because I most certainly do have a long way to go. I still have a great deal of unfinished business which definitely relates directly to my recovery. I have amends to make both personally and financially and I have been postponing this for awhile. If I am going to “walk the walk” I need to do these things or else I can see myself repeating the mistakes of my past. I am far from “amazing” and for now all I can do is the right thing. These “right things” are completed moment by moment for a lifetime and as long as that is the case life will continue on its wonderful path.

The "Haircut"

2009-06-21T18:39:00.001-07:00

The school year ended last week for both of my children. This marked the end of second grade for my son and the end of fifth grade for my daughter. It also marked the end of my daughter’s elementary school career as she is moving on to middle school. It really seems just like yesterday (if yesterday could be six years ago!) we were dropping her off for her first day of kindergarten in this elementary school. The elementary school is located two blocks from our house and it was only three blocks from our other house so it was very convenient.

The middle school is only one mile away; however; my daughter won’t be attending that middle school as we heard some very unsettling things. She will be attending a middle school about a 10 minute car ride away and amazingly many of her friends will be attending this middle school as well. I am sure she will continue doing well and her friend base will continue to expand. She was a bit sad to leave her school which she enjoyed very much. It was great to hear that her favorite teachers were here in California but the two years she spent attending school in New Jersey did serve her very well. My son was also sad to see the school year end but I believe his thoughts are more social than scholastic. His favorite subject is recess and does enjoy playing over reading books. My daughter was sort of the opposite and it is interesting how different yet similar these two children have become.

Next school year the children will be separated and the next time they will be together at the same school will be my daughter’s final year in high school as my son will be starting his first year in high school. My son and daughter are very close (despite my daughter’s opinion!) and it will be fascinating to see how this dynamic works out as they attend separate schools. My mother has always preached togetherness with my sisters and for the most part we are close (obviously not by location since the three of us are spread across the country) and hopefully this will carry over to my daughter and son. Life does continue to move fast and now the children are enjoying their summer vacation.

Work continues to go well and everyday there is something different. I learned a valuable lesson last week which was to never too comfortable. What I think and what others may think could be very different even though our relationship. People are protective of certain matters and I need to understand those boundaries. Thankfully everything did work out for the very best but I do know those boundaries very well now.

Gamblers Anonymous has been very good over the past several weeks. I don’t know what is happening to the Sunday Night meeting because over the past few weeks the attendance has been dismal; only the people with time in the program have been attending. The day after the conference there were only three of us in attendance and the other two were the people who organized the conference thus spending a great deal of time the day before but yet made it a point to get to the meeting. Last week there were only four of us in attendance and this week there were only two in attendance. There has been an “issue” with the location of the meeting and thankfully we have put the “principles” ahead of the “personalities” and the meeting will be relocated in July to a more “acceptable” location. I won’t go into to specifics but I can say I was very disappointed when I heard what transpired but fortunately everything has worked out for the very best.

Our little GA group had the first (hopefully of many more to follow) “Milestone” birthday meeting this past Friday night. This will become a monthly tradition as we celebrate anyone with a “milestone” in the program the second to last Friday of the each month. The meeting was great as we celebrated five birthdays starting from one year all the way to five years. I do know each celebrant and it is wonderful to be at these celebrations not only celebrating the people but really acknowledging the program for how well it continues to work.
Yesterday there was some controversy as I took it upon myself to have my son get a “summer” haircut in spite of my wife’s insistence to the contrary. A few months ago my son and I talked about having him shave his head for the summer to get a “no maintenance” hairdo. He was all for the idea and was looking forward to getting that haircut. I took him to the Barbershop and when I told the barber to give him a “number one” she took a deep breath asking me if I realized how short that really is. After a few seconds I nodded my head yes, and off went my son’s blonde locks. (If anyone has access to Facebook please check out the picture of my son to get a visual of what I am referring to.)

My son’s uncle (my brother-in-law) he keeps his hair this short and my son does have a striking resemblance to his uncle with basically no hair on his head. When the barber finished shaving she showed my son his new look and his response “O. M.G.” but he did smile going on to say, “Daddy you should have gotten a number two!” Oh yes, it does look like my son has no hair on his head and he gives a new meaning to the term “peach fuzz”. Hopefully the hair will come back sooner than later but for the time being he has a great no comb head!!

My wife was none too pleased that I had this done to my son and we had a very long talk last night. There was some screaming and crying but there was also some laughter. We worked through many things and the “haircut” was just the “tip of the iceberg”. There is no need to go into anything further but I do know there was a reason for all of this. Thank God for recovery and living life one moment at a time. This were some very tense moments yesterday but thankfully we were able to have a wonderful dinner with two awesome friends as a buffer between our discussions. Life is anything but boring and thankfully everything is great. By the way Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there!!

My Life is AWESOME!!!

2009-06-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

Best of Both Worlds!!

2009-06-07T16:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, it does appear I am getting older!! It wasn’t too long ago that I could rely on my memory for just about everything; however; this past Friday that memory failed me. Our incredible group of Gamblers Anonymous was hosting its very first mini-conference on Saturday and I had the privilege and honor (along with a very dear friend) to help facilitate one of the workshops. We prepared a PowerPoint presentation with the very able assistance of my 11 year old daughter (without her this would not have been a very good slide show!) and were scheduled to go on first thing Saturday morning. I had secured a projector screen to display the PowerPoint presentation. However; as I mentioned earlier my memory failed me and I completely forgot to pick up the screen. Thankfully and very fortunately I have a great friend who was able to make some calls on my behalf and the screen was delivered (by this great friend) 15 minutes prior to the presentation. The lesson for me is that I need to write things down and as my daughter said, “Daddy, you need to make a list.” Yes, I do need to make a list and my memory is not as good as it once was!

Saturday morning started very early with me going to the gym. I continue to working out and it appears my next marathon will be in October as I again try to qualify for the Boston Marathon. In September there is a triathlon that I would like to enter and I do need to adjust my training accordingly. I did sign up for a half marathon in the middle of August and this is one I have run in the past. The half marathon is a good distance and unlike the marathon this distance does not debilitate my senses!! In any event I haven’t officially started training for anything but have gone back to the gym to maintain my fitness routine. I had a slow start in the morning as my memory failed me once again but I was able to collect what I needed for the day and make it out the door.

I had a good workout and headed over to the venue for the mini conference. As I pulled up at the very early hour of the morning I was extremely impressed with the cadre of volunteers already in attendance helping set up for the event. This is the majesty of the Gamblers Anonymous program because here were many people who had given up their Saturday to help in any way they could for the betterment of the Program. I had to smile as I walked in and witnessed all the good things that were happening before my very eyes. I am not an event planner in any way, shape or form. I have attended many conferences as a participant and visitor but this was something very different and very special. This was indeed very special and I am so happy to be a very small part of this exquisite undertaking.

Our presentation was on the “Twenty Questions” as produced in the Gamblers Anonymous Program Combo Book. My dear friend had down his rendition a few months ago in the Speaker’s Meeting and it went very well. We took this idea and had our own workshop. Everything went well and the presentation seemed to be very well received. We did run a little long but that didn’t matter one bit and it felt great to be speaking in the workshop. I do so enjoy speaking in front of people and ever since my first speech back in high school I have always felt more comfortable in front of the group than I have while inside the group.

I was very fun and I was again very fortunate to have all the “stars aligned” as I was able to make it to my son’s baseball game. There was a distinct possibility that I could miss his game but as fate would have it I made it to the field with plenty of time to spare. My son is near the end of the season and one more loss would mean the end of the season. My son’s team was playing a team that hadn’t beaten all year but finally broke through for an 8-2 victory. My son was hit in the hip in his very first at bat and he seemed like he could be hurt but shook it off and in his third at bat stroked a legitimate triple to right field. I do have to highlight the fact that it was a legitimate triple with no errors by the opposing team. He was so happy rounding the bases and gave me a fist pump as he made it to third base. This was so cool and he is improving every game.

The game ended and my son’s team lives to play another day (Monday). I made my way back to the mini conference and I need to note that there was nothing “mini” about this conference because it was major in every sense of the word. I was able to observe the closing ceremonies and once again I am so happy I made my way back to be a small part of this very special event. People came from far and wide to attend and our group should be very proud of this incredible accomplishment. I was able to see some members I haven’t seen in awhile and it was great to reconnect with them. Wow, wow, and more wow should be given to everyone who helped. We have two very special members of our group who are affectionately known as the “Godmother” and the “Godfather”. Without these two very special people know of what transpired on Saturday would have ever happened. I am blessed, grateful and in awe to know these great people. If there was any doubt about the Gamblers Anonymous Program all those doubts were erased with the outpouring of love at this conference, thank you so very much!!!

Yes, It has been Awhile!

2009-06-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

Oh my I can't believe it has been over two weeks since my last post!! Yes, a great deal has happened and of course all that has happened has been all wonderful! The family is great, the job is going well and yes, I have run another marathon!! I didn't run fast enough to qualify for the Boston Marathon and it was my slowest marathon in the past year. This does make five marathons in one year and two marathons within a five week period. This is my obsessive compulsive behavior rearing its head once again but thankfully this is productive not destructive like it once was.

I didn't achieve my time goal in the marathon but I did enjoy the 26.2 miles and I had a very welcomed partner for almost the last 3 1/2 miles. A dear friend met me at mile 22 and did his very best to "inspire" me for those 3 1/2 miles. This is a very dear friend and it is amazing how life always seems to work out for the very best. This friend was made in the most unlikely set of circumstances and I have to believe this is a power greater than I at work in all of this. Wow; life is so cool and although I wasn't very good company at that stage of the marathon but that didn't deter my dear friend from coaxing me the entire time. My dear friend was not allowed to enter the finish area because only runners of the marathon were allowed to enter however; my wife and son were waiting for me at the finish line. My daughter had a better offer which is why she wasn't in attendance. She went camping with a friend and had a wonderful time.

Prior to the marathon my son had a baseball game and he performed like an All Star. He had two hits, drove in two runs, had a great catch and pitched a scoreless inning in his debut as a pitcher. He was all smiles as he came off the mound and it does appear we have two children who are fairly good athletes. (They obviously take after my wife's family!!!) It was such a cool game and it didn't matter that his team lost by one run because it was a very fun time. This did set the tone for the weekend and although we were minus one (my daughter) the weekend went great.

The past two weeks had a few baseball games, a Patriotic Play, a DARE graduation and great deal of fun!! Life is certainly wonderful and there are some good things brewing underneath everything. The person I helped "counseled" continues to communicate with me and by all accounts is doing very well. We are gearing up for a Gamblers Anonymous Mini-Conference this coming weekend and another dear friend and I will be giving our rendition of the "20 Questions" as it relates to the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Once again I apologize for the absence and will do my best to report "something" on a much more timely basis!!!

Circumstances and More...

2009-05-16T22:21:00.000-07:00

Alright so much for me dedicating a few minutes each day to writing; there were a set of circumstances that preventing me from sitting down. One of these circumstances had my laptop put on resuscitation measures since it crashed very hard and was out of commission for almost one week. The timing was very suspect in all of this because the laptop turned one year old and with it the warranty expired and wouldn’t you know it the very next day after receiving notification of the warranty expiring the laptop crashed; coincidence or a vast conspiracy??? I am not one who is big on conspiracy theories but I am also not into coincidences so I guess it fell somewhere in between!! Additionally I could have used our regular computer but I just didn’t allocate the time to sit down and write these past 10 days and I do apologize.

Happy belated Mother’s Day to all the Mother’s and by the way if anyone really cares what is happening in my life they can always find my Facebook page which gives a snapshot usually on a daily basis. Mother’s Day was extremely nice as we joined our dear friends for an afternoon on the beach. We arrived a little later than planned (but really with us we always seem to be behind schedule!) however; the afternoon was great with a picnic on the beach and a Scrabble game for the adults. The children were very brave and went in the water while the adults watched from a far. The interesting thing about the beaches in Southern California is the air temperature which seems to drop precipitously as the afternoon went on; I was very cold as the sun was setting but the children were having a grand old time splashing around in the water; oh to be young again!!

Mother’s Day did mark another “first” for me as I was finally able to be with my wife on Mother’s day for the first time since 2006 yes, there were two Mother’s Days I missed and I think that concludes the “first” events as life moves along at a very rapid pace. Life maybe moving on at a rapid pace but each day is so enjoyable. I do marvel at how well everything is progressing and yes, this is a direct result of recovery. In the past few weeks I have noticed a few of my friends struggle with their daily lives and the stresses of life inevitably seem to creep up on them. I constantly remind myself to “stay in the moment” and yes, enjoy each and every moment as they occur. I have never had the clarity I have had and this is another direct result of recovery.

Speaking of recovery this past week I concluded my “counseling” sessions with one of our clients at work. Yes, I had the honor and pleasure of sitting with a fellow compulsive gambler three times a week for at least an hour each time (we always went well past the hour). This was so rewarding and I was certainly blessed with the right “client” as he certainly had a very good foundation prior to my “guidance”!! I wouldn’t say it was a counseling session as much as it was reinforcing the principles of the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I went through an excellent resource provided by GA and this was the basis of our sessions.

I am beyond fortunate to have been able to assist in any way I could and really this helped me as much maybe even more than it helped the other person. I did enjoy those sessions and I pray that this person truly “walks the walk” because they had the “talk” down from the onset. I did take a cue from our Clinical Director asking on a scale of zero to ten with zero being “never to gamble again” and ten being “yes, I will gamble again”; the answer I received was a very heartfelt “ZERO!” According to our Clinical Director this is a very good indicator that the person will do very well as they move forward in recovery. Yes, I did my best and it wasn’t very difficult at all; I just instilled the things that have been passed down to me from some of the long time members and newer members of GA. It was very cool to have this opportunity and the best part is I made a friend in the process; recovery is indeed wonderful.

The children are doing very well; yes, my daughter has completed her softball season and won’t be on the All-Stars because she couldn’t commit to the full schedule; this is just as well and even though she was a little taken a back she has gotten over it very quickly. My son continues with his baseball season and last week I had arranged a private session for the team with a professional baseball player. The team really enjoyed the lesson but the very next day they went out and promptly lost not being able to hit anything!! I don’t believe it had anything to do with the private lesson but the timing was less than desirable. The great thing about 8 year olds is that the final score does not matter as much as what is the snack at the end of the game. After the snacks were devoured the game was a distance memory. I swear the adult coaches take so much more seriously than the kids!!! My son has three more games to go and then the playoffs. He also has the opportunity to make the All Star team but again since he will miss 2 ½ weeks his chances are certainly lessened.

Yesterday Wayman Tisdale passed away at the young age of 44; yes, in a few months I will be this same age. Mr. Tisdale fought a courageous battle with cancer over the past two years before losing that battle. I am writing this because I followed his career for the past 20 years. He was a star college basketball player and went on to have a very solid professional career but that isn’t the half of it; he was a very accomplished jazz musician making several very popular albums. I have listened to some of those albums and they are incredible. I do remember his college playing days and I must say there was something different about his style compared to his contemporaries and now I understand why. He wasn’t about being a star basketball player he was about being himself. He did make great music and I am very saddened by his loss. This does reiterate to me the need to enjoy every moment because it is all fleeting. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but I do know today is a gift. I continue to enjoy these gifts one at a time as I move forward in recovery; yes, it is a wonderful life through an through!!

Softball Controversy Averted

2009-05-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

It was brought to my attention earlier today that when I started this blog over 4 years ago my posts were short but I did post daily. Then as I progressed my posts became longer and now I am posting on a weekly basis. The most important part of this conversation was the fact that this blog is all part of my recovery and I must not lose focus. I have become very busy with life over the past few months and this is a very good thing and I thought only posting once a week would be beneficial but after thinking about it this is part of my recovery and I must do a better job of "finding" the time to work an integral part of my recovery.

I am not sure what this has to do with recovery but I do know recovery allows me to have an incredible life!! Over the weekend which was once again filled with softball and baseball games and even a few Gamblers Anonymous meetings. Saturday morning brought me to the Saturday morning GA meeting to help celebrate two very special birthdays. My very dear friend was celebrating 5 years in the program along with another friend who was celebrating 3 years. I had the honor and privilige to Chair the meeting and the meeting went exceptionally well. We do have a tendency in our little group to have "marathon" type meetings but not Saturday as I employed my Monday Speaker's meeting philosophy as the meeting ended in one hour. This seemed to work well and hopefully I didn't offend anyone. I do believe having structure assists the meetings and also assists recovery. I was very happy I attended the meeting and very happy to consider the incredible people celebrating my dear friends.

After the meeting I found myself at my son's baseball game and his team did very well. My son's confidence continues to grow and grow and striking out seems to be in the past. He is now regularly hitting off the pitcher and not waiting for the four balls so he can hit off the coach. He did go only 1 for 3 dropping his batting average below .500 for the first time in a few games. I was shocked to see that my son was the third leading hitter on his team but more importantly he is enjoying himself.

As my son's game ended we made our made to my daughter's game. This was a do or die game for my daughter's team as they faced elimination from the season ending tournament. The game didn't start out so well but my daughter did save her very best for last. She hit a triple in her first at bat driving in one run and that was the only run for the first two innings as her team fell behind 9-1. My daughter entered the game as the pitcher at this point and had the team's first "one two three" inning all season. She was beaming from ear to ear as her team made the plays they didn't seem to make all year. She bounced off the field and into the dugout with such enthusiasm it is ashamed her team ended up on the losing side of the ledger. With that her season ended and I really just wanted her to have one more game because it seemed everything had come together; oh well there will be more games in the near future.

On Sunday morning the tryouts for the All Star game ensued and even though my daughter would miss half of the All Star season she still tried out for the team. It would have been a bit interesting to see if she would have made the team if she wasn't going to miss so many games and practices. She did tryout very well but later on we did learn that she wasn't even considered because of the time she would miss. There seemed to be a very big controversy surrounding the selection process and I believe it was very fortunate my daughter wasn't being considered; had she been considered I do wonder what would have happened because as her coach told me she is a phenomenal player with a huge heart. My daughter was a bit disappointed she didn't make the team but was consoled when I told her what her coach had to say.

Life is moving so quickly and these days are like rapid fire but I am enjoying every moment. Work is going so well and I get to incorporate my recovery principles on a daily basis and I also get to be counselor for the next two weeks. This is wonderful and so rewarding; I am invigorated with these sessions but I must say I am blessed to have a "client" who really understands the basis of recovering from a compulsive gambling addiction. Our hour whizzes by and lately I am running over which is very positive. Life moves in mysterious ways and I love those mysteries of life especially through recovery.

Yes, Another Marathon!!

2009-04-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

This past week marked the very end of my latest training regimen as I prepared for the Camp Pendleton Marathon. I think it is safe to say I am now addicted to running marathons!!! I may need a 12 step program as I have traded my compulsive gambling addiction in for marathon running. I am being a bit facetious but there could be some truth in those words. In the past 11 months I have now run 4 marathons bringing my career total to 9. I can still remember my first marathon back in 2002 when I completely disappointed myself with my performance. When I finished that marathon I was more upset than anything else now 7 years later and 8 marathons since I was anything but disappointed when I completed the marathon on Saturday. I didn’t achieve my time goal of 3 hours and 20 minutes but that didn’t matter and even the fact that my family wasn’t waiting for me at the finish line didn’t bother me either. I was more than happy to run 26.2 miles on a military base covering very prime real estate overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

This marathon was different than any other I have run for several reasons. One of those reasons was the fact that it was on a Saturday which was interesting and not so bad. Another reason was the fact that it was filled with rolling hills. When I completed the Arizona Rock n’ Roll Marathon back in January I was looking for a marathon that was relatively flat and run prior to the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon at the end of May. I thought the Camp Pendleton Marathon was relatively flat because there wasn’t much of an elevation change but I was woefully wrong!! There may not have been much of an elevation change but there were certainly hills are through the course.

I arrived on the military base well in advance of the marathon and was impressed with the large size of the facility. It is truly a world unto to itself and I have always respected the wonderful men and women who serve this country but seeing this up close gave me new found respect. This was the very first time this marathon was run and I was very impressed with the organization. I had only run one other first time marathon which was the Arizona Rock n’ Roll Marathon back in 2004 which wasn’t a very good experience. The marathon this past Saturday was a wonderful experience and it was a very intimate affair. There were only 450 participants who made the start very easy and I certainly enjoyed the fact of not having to wait for the outhouses!! This maybe lost by those of you who have never run in an event like this but not having to wait for the outhouses does make a world of difference.

I was very moved as the “Colors” were presented 10 minutes prior to the start and I took a couple of deep breaths mentally preparing myself for the 26.2 miles which lay ahead of me. The gun sounded and off everyone went towards the Pacific Ocean into a fairly strong headwind. I completed the first mile in a very quick 7 minutes and thought I was moving much too fast but the next few miles ahead would set the tone for the entire race. I was just about on pace but the rolling hills caused my pace to be very erratic and as the headwind strengthened I knew my goal time would be fleeting very quickly. The headwind lasted just until the halfway point and it was so strange as I headed in the other direction it was as if the wind had been turned off. Instead of a headwind I thought there would be a tailwind but this tailwind was very quiet. I could feel the sweet building on my forehead and seeping into my eyes.

I did my best to take in the scenery with the big beautiful Pacific Ocean on my left and as I made the turn back it was on my right. There really wasn’t much else to look at and I did my best to get into a rhythm but this rhythm was very elusive. It became apparent that I would not be qualifying for the Boston Marathon as I finished the 21st mile. My mile pace had slowed considerably and I didn’t have much left in my legs. I didn’t want to quick but I just couldn’t get back to the pace I needed to finish the marathon in my goal time. Again this didn’t matter; what mattered most was the fact I was actually running and enjoying every footstep.

I finished the race in what was my worst time in the past 11 months but I was very happy. I covered the 26.2 miles in 3 hours and 26 minutes but I was energized crossing the finish line. I found out later on that I finished 3rd in my age category and yes, there were more than 3 participants in the category!! There were actually 22 participants in my age category and overall I finished 29th out of 450 people. This really isn’t so bad for an old man and yes, I intend on running my fifth marathon in the last twelve months next month as I enter the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon for the fourth time. I think it is only fitting that my very first marathon will be the marathon I actually qualify for the Boston Marathon. I really have no idea and I just read an article about others who are and have tried to qualify for the Boston Marathon to no avail. These people have tried at least 12 times and finally qualified so I don’t feel so bad having only attempted three times so far!! In any event I am running in a mere month and I know I will enjoy every moment along the way.

My family wasn’t at the finish line because Saturdays are filled with baseball and softball games and the logistics of getting down to the marathon were too much. My son competed in his baseball game and that didn’t go so well for his team as they were held hitless for the first time all season. I did make it back for my daughter’s softball game and her team didn’t do so well either. This was the last regular season game of the year and my daughter’s team only one won game all year. However; my daughter’s attitude has gotten so much better over the past few weeks and her pitching performance was excellence only giving up one run in her only inning. It was the first time all year she only gave up one run and her team even backed her up during that inning. She was very happy but there was an altercation with a player from the other team who didn’t play very “nicely”. I did my best to console my daughter and it seemed to work.

This was another wonderful week through and through and on Sunday I attended the Gamblers Anonymous meeting which was very good. On Monday I attended the Speaker’s Meeting which was also very good and life is moving so well as recovery is wonderful. I am also helping someone in our program at work and I get to play “counselor” three times a week which is much better than my “real” job during the day. It is amazing how things work it and my life is working out exceptionally well.

Serious Issues

2009-04-20T21:42:00.000-07:00

Bruuuuce!!!!!

2009-04-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, another week down and it was a great week. Our Easter Sunday was “unique” in the fact that it was just the four of us. Usually we spend the holidays with friends or family but last week we spent the day with only us. It was a good day all the way through as we ended the day at the beach for a Southern Californian Easter Sunday. This was the first time in two years I was with my family on Easter Sunday and now I can put those “first times” to rest. I am approaching one year since my family returned and life has returned to an incredibly new normal in every facet.

Since it was Easter Sunday I didn’t make my way to the usual Sunday Gamblers Anonymous meeting; however; since it was the second Monday of the month I did attend the Monday Speaker’s meeting. These are wonderful meetings and a great opportunity to get the incredible members of the program. I am so happy I am serving as Secretary of this meeting and last Monday was yet another great meeting. The stories are different but the underlying theme is always the same which is the inability to live a sane life while the compulsive gambling took over the person’s life. Yes, it is always insanity to hear these stories but after the world comes crashing down the GA Program is there to pick up the pieces. I can say firsthand that these pieces are fitting together incredibly well in my life and yes, all thanks to the GA Program.

My life is moving forward as well as I could have ever imagined and this week as it always seems to be was wonderful. The children are on their second week of Spring Break which meant there weren’t any “ball” games during the week. It was a good week at work and on Thursday my wife and I attended the Bruce Springsteen concert I had been so looking forward to for the past few months. Interestingly enough I had seen Bruce 25 years ago in this same venue when I attended the University of Southern California as second year college student. I really wasn’t much of fan of Bruce while I was growing up in New Jersey. However; something seem to happen when I went away to Southern California for college and I became a fan. I became an even bigger fan of Bruce when I witnessed firsthand his incredible concert some 25 years ago.

I witnessed five of the seven shows back 25 years ago and I was in awe. Now 25 years later I am still in awe and the Boss hasn’t lost a step in all those years. The concert was magnificent and the building where I first saw him hasn’t changed at all in that time period. Bruce labeled it the “dump that jumps” and yes, it is a dump but it did jump for 2 hours and 40 minutes while Bruce and E Street Band brought down the house.

It was well worth the 2 ½ hour drive through horrific traffic and I did have my doubts we would see the beginning of the show but as it turned out we didn’t miss a moment. I looked around the “dump” and there were people of all ages but mostly a little older than my 43 years. Bruce has been rocking for 35 years and there were fans from his early years. It is amazing the collection of work over those 35 years and more amazing was the energy the 59 year old brought. It was clear to me that Bruce loves what he does and it showed throughout the entire performance. Wow; it was a fantastic show and I didn’t mind at all getting home at the very late hour because I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Saturday brought the usual “ball” games with my son and daughter having their games. This was an early start and they both had games at the same time. This meant I went with my son and my wife went with our daughter. My son’s game went very well and I am having a great time coaching the kids. It was my responsibility to warm up the pitchers before and during the game. The kids on his team are really good and it is a blast. The game was well played and my son’s team prevailed 5-1. My son went 1 for 3 and scored one run. He is a good little player that just needs some more confidence. I can see his confidence increasing and it was a very good game all the way through.

After my son’s game we made our way to my daughter’s game where she was playing the second game of the scheduled doubleheader. The first game was close but unfortunately my daughter’s team was not successful. My daughter’s attitude has gotten better about her team as she realized the season is ending soon. The second game was a rout by the other team but my daughter did smack a solid single to centerfield but was caught stealing second base. Yes, her season is ending in the next two weeks but she is going to try out for the All Star team. My daughter does have the skills but the All Star league is a very big commitment and because we are going back to New Jersey this summer she will miss a few weeks of that season. I think this will hurt her chances but she does understand and trying out for the team will be a good experience.

Last night we reconvened “Game Night” with our dear friends and initially there were supposed to be a few other families joining us but in the end it was the usual dear friends. The evening went by so quickly and thankfully we gave Pictionary the night off. Instead we tried a trivia game which wasn’t well received and a charade type game which is always fun. The games are great but spending time with our friends is even better. I am so blessed in every way possible and having these types of nights are indeed blessings. I am so grateful for everything in my life and yes, it was indeed another wonderful week!!!

Easter Sunday 2009

2009-04-12T22:15:00.001-07:00

Happy Easter!!! Wow, it is Easter again. It seems like just yesterday that I was spending the day by myself without my family last year but thankfully this year all of that has changed for the better. This marks the very first “holiday” of my new found “freedom”. I was free to go anywhere as I did not need permission. Yes, this is a great sign but really my life is fantastic and now life has moved into a wonderful “new” normal. Today waking up with my family under one roof was indeed the highlight of my day; the rest of the day was just like the icing on the cake. I cannot say enough how well my life is moving and it is all thanks to recovery. This recovery is multi-faceted but the main ingredient is living my life with a positive purpose doing the right thing no matter the circumstance. I am eternally grateful for my life and for everyone in my life especially my family. I love my family with all my being and yes, life is great.

This past week started last Sunday as I attended the Sunday Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I can no longer attend four or five meetings a week when I first entered the program over four years ago. Now I do my very best to honor my commitment of attending one meeting per week. This week was the “in between” week of the Speaker’s meeting and which meant there wasn’t a Speaker’s meeting so I needed to attend the Sunday meeting which was wonderful. The meeting was once again inspirational and there are so many dear friends in this program. I am very blessed to be in the position I am in all thanks to the GA Program. Yes, I returned to the area of my misdeeds but this has not been an issue at all again all thanks to recovery. This was a great start to the week.

On Tuesday my son had a baseball game and what a game he had! He had his best game in his brief Pony League career going three for three, knocking in three runs, and scoring three runs as well. Additionally he did make a great defensive play as he fielded a pop up sliding to catch the ball from his catcher’s position. Yes, it was a great game through and through. His three hits were two doubles and a single. In his league if the pitcher throws four balls the coach comes out and throws two pitchers, the batter either hits one of those two pitches or is out.

My son did receive four balls on those three at bats and he drilled a double off of me in his first at bat. This was the first time I was the “pitching coach” and not only did he drill that double the rest of his hits came off of me as well. I was shocked at that first double because it wasn’t very far from the outfield fence. My son seemed energize to hit off of his dear old Dad and whatever the case he was a fantastic game. His team was victorious and is approaching .500 on the season.

The rest of the week was the usual with the exception of on Thursday I took my son to work. The children are off for Spring Break and with my daughter sleeping over a friend’s house and with our dear friend away who had been looking after our children while my wife and I were at work; we decided to take my son to work. He was so good keeping himself occupied on the computer, with a book and with his electronic game. I was able to go about my normal day with my son a few feet away. The day went very well and after lunch I dropped him off at my wife’s work where she had only an hour left in her day. It was very cool taking my son to work and I had to smile each time I looked over to him.

I continue to train for the marathon in less than two weeks. I completed the intense sessions this week and my mileage had peaked at 56 miles this week. I modified the training sessions to suit my needs much better covering that distance in only four days instead of five. This meant I had three 12 mile days and one 20 mile days. If I had to compare this most recent 20 mile run to the 20 mile runs I have completed in the past 8 months I must say this was the best run I have had to date. I ran the first 10 miles in one hour and 15 minutes and covered the final 10 miles in less than one hour and 10 minutes. This is exactly what I had planned and I was feeling as good as I have ever felt in that last mile than I have ever felt before. I was moving along great and it is simply amazing how fast time slips by as the miles pile up. I don’t know if this will translate into my finally qualifying for the Boston Marathon but I am giving it my all.

Rounding out the week was of course Easter today. As I mentioned earlier the joy came early this morning and as always lasted all day long. We did the usual Easter things in going to church and going to breakfast but for the most part it was a very low key day. I did fit in watching some of the Masters Golf Tournament and for the first time viewed on a High Definition Television and my goodness that course is gorgeous. In any event after watching we headed for the beach. It was a perfect Southern California day and the beach was the perfect place to be. The children went on a few rides and we played on the beach. My son and daughter were having a good time and my son brought much of the beach home with him!! Yes, it was a great Easter Sunday 2009!!

Tale of the Dog

2009-04-06T22:03:00.001-07:00

Where do the weeks go??? My oh my another week in the books and time is certainly passing so very quickly. Yes, this past week was more of the same but that “more of the same” is music to my ears. I was wondering if I would ever receive “official” confirmation of me being released from my parole commitment and yes, I did finally receive the word. I received word on April fool’s Day (no less!) but this wasn’t a joke as the “quasi-official” paperwork was sent to me later in the day. (I am supposed to receive some type of more official notification in three months but in the meantime I do have documentation that states my commitment has been fulfilled.) It is interesting because I have been looking forward to this day for a long time and when I received the “official” word from the powers that be it was more anticlimactic than anything else.

I continue to learn so very much in my recovery and I believe one of those lessons of continuing to take life “one day at time” rang true when I received the official word. I am very relieved my commitment has been fulfilled; however; if I have learned anything in recovery the fact that I am no longer required to do the “right thing” should make no difference at all. I will continue to do the right things because this is how I must live my life. If I don’t do the right things the wrong things will happen and having gone down that road I have no desire to revisit those horrible consequences. Sure this is a part of me that still kicks myself for doing what I did but I do believe that is a positive because I don’t dwell in those thoughts. Those thoughts are a reminder of what has happened and I don’t want to forget those reminders as I did the first two times I inadequately dealt with my compulsive gambling addiction.

My favorite phrase in Gamblers Anonymous is written in the Seventh Step; “Compulsive gambling is a LEARNED INADEQUATE RESPONSE TO LIFE”. There is no doubt in my mind what I did to propagate my compulsive gambling behavior was most definitely a LEARNED INADEQUATE RESPONSE TO LIFE. Now in recovery I am learning an adequate response to life which goes back to doing the right things even when no one is watching. This is a true testament of a person’s character and I have been given a second chance to display these characteristics. I am in a position at my job where I must display these characteristics or else I will go back to square one. I have an incredible life with an incredible family along with amazing friends. I would not trade this journey for anything and yes, I continue to learn so very much on this journey; life is wonderful!!!

There were the usual softball and baseball games this week. My son’s team won one game and lost the other. My daughter’s softball team continued their losing ways and this is wearing very thin on my daughter. She is doing her best but the play of the other girls on her team is affecting my daughter in a negative way. I can only offer her encouraging words and when she says she wants to quit I inform her that if she quits she has no chance of playing on the All Star team when the season ends. There is a good possibly that my daughter may make the All Star team for her age group because she is one of the better players in the league but if her attitude continues and her play continues to deteriorate because of her attitude she will not have an opportunity to play on the All Star team.

There is another “kicker” to the All Star team and it is the commitment. Right now my daughter has two games per week with one practice which encompasses three days total during the week. The All Star team practices six days a week and their games cover three to four days starting on Memorial Day. I didn’t know about the All Stars when I booked our trips to New Jersey and if my daughter does make the team she will miss half of their tournaments because she will be in New Jersey. I don’t know if this will be a hinder to her making the team because after all it really isn’t fair to another girl who possibly has the same ability and can make all the tournaments. We shall see what happens as the try outs are the first week in May and yes, my daughter really wants to make the team.

My son continues to be very perplexing in his baseball hitting. He has the ability to hit the baseball but has a tendency to just stand there and watch the pitches go by. I have tried just about everything and now I am down to reverse psychology encouraging my son to just stand there and watch the pitches. This seemed to have the most affect on him as he actually swung at the pitches but got called out on a very questionable call by the umpire. In any event I received the team’s statistics from my son’s head coach and my son is the third leading hitter on his team hitting a cool .429. He does have the ability but his confidence is a bit shaky so when he saw the statistics his confidence seemed to rise and it is so interesting how different but similar my two children are. I have to basically discouraged my daughter since she is so intense (which does remind me of myself when I was her age) whereas my son needs encouragement since his intensity level is a little low. I must say that my son does have a great deal of heart and is really enjoying the catcher’s position. Whatever the case I love these days and afternoons at the ball fields so very much.

My wife and I had a “Date night” this past week while a very good friend took our children out for a very fun evening. My wife and I went to our favorite local restaurant and had a great dinner officially celebrating my newly gained freedom. The children and our friend went to dinner then to a movie and capped off the evening with some frozen yogurt. Yes, our friend did spoil them so very much but everyone appeared to have a great time. It is so fascinating how life works out because I haven’t known this very dear friend very long yet we share a very common bond and seeing their faces when they came home was well worth everything. Life is a strange and fascinating journey through and through and these incredible twists and turns are wonderful in every way possible. I am not sure if our dear friend had a better time than our children on their very fun night out but whatever the case there is a bond building and this bond will hopefully build for a lifetime.

I have mentioned before that our children have been lobbying for a dog over the past few months. My wife subscribes to something called “Freecycle” which is an email list that local people utilize to give away many different things for free. Occasionally there will be pets and over the weekend a family was giving away a 5 year old female beagle. I saw the email and asked my wife if she would be interested since she really isn’t a dog person. After receiving some photographs of the very cute dog and a description that basically read the dog is very sweet and loving my wife had given her approval.

The children were very happy and tonight we were going to meet the dog. However; I made a mistake by not asking our landlords if we could actually have a dog in the house. I did call earlier today and the landlords weren’t very receptive to the idea of having a dog in the house no matter how big or small. The request to have a dog was denied and this meant I had to explain it to my children and my wife. My wife was even disappointed having warmed to the idea of actually having a dog which is a very big step. My son seemed to take it in stride like he does most things while my daughter who last night had her reservations about getting the dog as she pontificated whether or not our family was “ready” to have a dog; took the denial very hard. She cried and asked why we couldn’t have our own house where we could have a dog and she could paint her room any color she wanted.

These were great questions and all I could say is that we will have our own house some day. I couldn’t dwell on the fact that the fact that we don’t have our house; is my entire fault as it fell victim to my compulsive gambling addiction. I could only reassure her that we will have our own house and at the very least live in a place where we can have a dog and she can paint her room whatever color she wanted. This was heart wrenching because yes, it is my fault but I won’t beat myself up as the damage is done and I must live one day at a time. I really don’t know when I will be in a position to purchase a home because I still have debts I need to pay which I am working on albeit a bit slowly.

In any event I know everything will work out for the very best because it always does. I would have loved to have the dog but it just wasn’t meant to be at this point. Even something as seemingly insignificant as this does happen for a reason and I have an idea as to what that reason was. I will be handed these questions going forward such as the ones posed by my daughter and it is how I handle those questions that will determine if I am indeed living life one moment at a time. I do my best each moment and today was very difficult seeing the sadness on my daughter’s face. I was able to wipe away the tears and garner a smile on her beautiful face. I do have a great deal of work ahead of me but in recovery I know it won’t be “work” as much as it will be an fantastic experience as the incredible journey progresses.

Weekly Blog and a Farily Significant Date

2009-03-29T18:04:00.000-07:00

I have had a sneaking suspicion that the daily writing of this blog would come to an end since has become increasingly more difficult to write on a daily basis. I have been able in the past to “catch up” on the daily passages I have missed but lately ever since life got back to a great wonderful new “normal” the days pass and my computer time has become very limited. Yes, this is a positive and although I most likely will not be able to post on a daily basis I will attempt something different starting with today; a summary of this past week’s events and how recovery continues to enhance my life.

Last Saturday evening we spent it with our dear friends for a “game night”. Ever since my wife has started working the visits with these dear friends have been minimal at best. Yes, it is our responsibility to make the effort for at least a monthly “game night” and this is exactly what has been planned. “Game night” was as always a great deal of fun and the only game we did play was my least favorite but now seems to be “mandatory” in Pictionary. The “guys” were not victorious last week as the “gals” had their game on despite the constant laughter. It is very funny because the day before playing I was talking with a friend about Pictionary and how bad a drawer I am and how I despise drawing animals; and guess what my first draw was that of a dog! Yes, that figures and it does figure in a smaller scale to the “Law of Attraction”!!

Sunday I did attend the Gamblers Anonymous meeting which was as always very good with a very good turnout. I do get so much out of the meetings and thank God for Gamblers Anonymous as it continues to save along with enhance my life. It certainly enhanced my life on Monday evening when a very dear friend was the featured speaker for the Speaker’s meeting. This dear friend will celebrate their fifth year in the program and the hour long speaker’s meeting was very insightful. My dear friends chose the topic of the “Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions” and as fortune would have 2 brand new members were in attendance which has a tendency to be a bit tricky in this type of format but the topic was perfect for a new member especially how my dear friend presented those 20 questions. As it turns out the session was so well received my friend and I will be presenting this at our mini-conference in June. I thought that was a great idea and I look forward to adding my “two cents” to those 20 questions.

Tuesday brought the baseball and softball games as we were “double booked” for the evening. Yes, both my son and daughter had games which meant my wife would have to drop off, drop off and head back. Thankfully my wife’s new job has very convenient hours which allow her to get the children to and for their “ball” activities. My daughter is required to be at her game one hour prior to the start time whereas my son needs only to be there about 30 minutes prior to game time so this means my daughter gets dropped off then my son and then my wife returns to my daughter’s game. I go directly to my son’s game as it is only a 3 minute drive from my office which again figures into the whole “how everything continues to work out for the very best” scenario; yes, even the little things are made that much better through everything.

My son’s game went well and ended in a tie with my son going his usual one for two with the one being a base hit and the other “one” being a strike out. He is the “star” catcher and catches most of the game and yes, I think he is having a good time. My daughter’s team ended their one game winning streak and returned to the losing column. My daughter continues to be the “go to” pitcher on her team and I can see her patience wearing thin with her teammates as the losses are piling up. This is a good learning experience for my daughter but I doubt she feels like she is learning anything as the losses are clouding her judgment. In any event my daughter continues to give 110% and does her very best all game long.

Wednesday brought the rare “day off” from events and I ended up working much later than expected. I had an interesting conversation with a person who is in a very important position outside of my company. I didn’t know this person “before” and I don’t know if this person knows my “history” but I was very encouraged with the conversation. It is truly remarkable how well everything is working out and this includes these conversations. The very fact that I am in a position to have these types of positions is a true testament to recovery. I am so fortunate and blessed to be where I am today all thanks to recovery. I had to stop and take a breath after this conversation and take stock of how far I have come in such a short time, wow!

Yes, it has been a short time as this all started over 4 years ago. On Friday my parole officially concluding as I made it through the last 13 months without any incidence. There was no doubt in my mind that there wouldn’t be an incident as I continue to practice all the good things in my life. However; I must admit I was somewhat leery headed into the last 13 months especially hearing all those horror stories. I realized when I heard those stories that every circumstance is different and as long as I did right thing all the right things would happen and yes, this is how it all has transpired.

I don’t think I felt any different when I woke up on Friday morning as I did the usual making my way to the gym as the calendar read March 27, 2009. I have had my eye on this date ever since my release 13 months ago and the only real difference is that my “leash” has been severed. I am no longer required to “report” on my whereabouts and if I need to leave the great state of California I can without any issues. Additionally my civil rights have been restored and I can vote along with being eligible for jury duty. I don’t believe I took those duties for granted prior to losing them but I never really took stock of how fortunate I am. This is the biggest difference in the last four years; the little things have tremendous meaning and yes, it is all little things outside of any harm to my incredible family. I have been more than fortunate over the past 13 months and although my leash has been severed I will continue doing the right things as this is the “right thing” to do.

Yesterday arrived and it was another Saturday on the diamond with the children. This week my daughter had a game first followed by my son’s game. My daughter’s team once again didn’t fare so well but my daughter had two very solid hits and drove in 3 runs. She did pitch and pitched well but it is very difficult for her as her team doesn’t seem to make the plays. There aren’t any routine plays for my daughter’s team as every play seems like an adventure. My daughter was very upset during the game and I did my best to calm her down; and thankfully she was able to get that second hit in between her anger which did calm her down. She has a very affable coach who headed my plea to go out to the mound as I saw my daughter simmering; her coach went out there and did calm her down. She is quite the competitor and this has been a very trying year for her but I do believe it is building character for her down the road.

My son’s team played a very good game and was in a “dog fight” with the best team in the league. Unfortunately they fell one run short but it wasn’t for lack of trying. My son went one for three striking out twice. My son has a tendency of keeping the bat on his shoulder and it cost him in his final at bat. He watched the third strike cross the plate despite my imploring of him to swing and as he returned to the dugout I was less than cordial telling him he needed to swing the bat on any pitch that was close. He didn’t like what I had to say and started to cry; I admit I was less than congenial and could have used a better tone. I did apologize and he did stop crying.

Normally I am not like this but there was something in the air during the game. The opposing coach was having a bad day and let his anger out at the umpire in a few incidents. I have never seen this before as all of the opposing coaches are good people and never argue with the very impressionable umpires (these are kids themselves barely hitting puberty). I couldn’t believe the opposing coach was doing this and it had a ripple effect on the kids playing. The focus was off playing baseball and on the coach; my son even became quiet which is unusual for him and I asked him what was wrong and he just pointed to the other coach asking what was the matter with him??? I did my best to explain and for my son to just focus in on playing baseball. In any event the opposing did calm down as the game wore on and I think that this coach was just having a bad day.

The games were over and everyone needed a shower when we got home. After the shower we decided that we should celebrate my completing parole (or PATROL as my daughter calls it!!) and go out to dinner. P.F. Chang’s just opened up in the area and we decided to head over there dinner but since it just opened up the wait was an hour and a half which was too long so we went with Plan B which was to utilize a gift certificate. We hadn’t been to this particular restaurant before so it was some place different for us. It wasn’t what we expected but the price was right and the fact that the four us were having dinner together celebrating the passage of the last 13 months. It certainly didn’t matter how the food tasted since the dinner was “edible” (my wife’s words) and it was a great evening being a family altogether.

This morning was the usual Sunday morning fare of the CBS Sunday Morning show followed by my now “famous” protein pancakes. Instead of just hanging out at home I decided to take the children to a nearby ball field and practice their softball and baseball skills. This was a wonderful way to spend a sunny Sunday afternoon. I must admit lately it has been increasingly more difficult to maintain “consistency” with my son. We would do an activity he suggested a few minutes later if things weren’t going his way he would either stop participating or just complain. I had to speak with him about this attitude and hopefully made some headway. My daughter on the other hand was just happy practicing her pitching and hitting and did participate in my son’s suggested games.

We spent a long time at the ball field and gave my wife some much needed “alone” time as Sunday’s are the day to catch up. Sunday’s do come so quickly and pass so quickly but this is where “enjoying” the journey comes in to play. I am certainly enjoying every moment of this journey and what started out as the “unknown” over four years ago has transferred into the “known” of enjoying these moments as the happen one day at a time. I didn’t know what 12 step program was over 4 years ago but now this is how I have shaped my life; my life it is all about doing the right things each and every day. I have detailed how blessed and fortunate I am and this has always been the case but prior to recovery I never gave it thought. Now in recovery this is how I live my life cherishing these blessings and moments. It is an incredible journey and continues to get even more incredible as the days pass.

"Boys" Night Out

2009-03-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

Last night was a divided “girls” and “boys” night out. My wife and daughter were off to some sort of home “demonstration” at a friend’s house while my son and I had a father/son “date” night. We were off to a movie followed by dinner. We went to see the kid friendly “Escape to Witch Mountain” which wasn’t too bad. It is rated PG but it seems the rating system doesn’t factor in the excessive violence. I guess excessive violence is all too common so it isn’t so excessive in the ratings guide! In any event my son did enjoy the movie and it appears he is moving on to “regular” types of movies as opposed to the requisite “cartoon” of the years gone by. I think this was the first movie where my son didn’t sit on my lap during the scary parts and in fact he didn’t sit on my lap at all. He is getting older and yes, he is growing up.

I gave my son a choice after the movie of going out for frozen yogurt or going to dinner. He chose dinner at the very nearby California Pizza Kitchen. I thought he would have ordered a pizza but my son was the non-conformist and ordered his favorite of macaroni and cheese. After the Mac and cheese he ordered a brownie sundae which he promptly ate all of the ice cream while leaving the brownie behind. As he completed eating the ice cream he promptly started to complain that his belly was full.

This isn’t the first time nor do I believe this will be the last time of this complaint because it is a somewhat regular occurrence. I did point out that he needed to realize how he felt after eating all that food prior to eating more than he needed but this comes with age. I can’t help remember my father telling me during my first “fall from grace” of my compulsive gambling about how I felt but I promptly forgot and I was much older than my son. Yes, maturity does take a long time in some people such as me and hopefully my son won’t have to learn the “hard way”. We had a very good time just us “boys” and yes, I am so blessed with such a wonderful family.

This morning I was up early to get my run in before the day’s events on the baseball/softball fields. I decided to test myself this morning on how fast I can run a half marathon (13.1 miles). I wanted to run in a local half marathon this weekend but with the hectic schedule along with the cost I opted for my own version of a half marathon. Yes, I ran the 13.1 miles on the treadmill at the gym but it was the fastest I have ever run that distance. I cut almost 8 minutes off my fastest time and I was feeling really good this morning. I do like the half marathon distance and would like to focus more on this distance as opposed to the longer marathon distance. I was very surprised how fast I ran this morning and if I could just run this fast for the marathon I would have no problem qualifying for the Boston Marathon. Yes, my issue is with those last three miles but I am feeling confident especially knowing how well I ran this morning.

My run was done and it was off to the baseball diamond for my son’s game that was first today. My son’s team had been sleep walking for the past two games but today the later start seemed to help. Their bats were alive and the other team didn’t have a chance as my son’s team was victorious 8-2. My son spoiled his streak of going 1 for 2 in all of his game as he went 1 for 3 striking out twice. In his defense his last strike out was a horrible call by the umpire as the ball nearly hit my son and he was a bit taken a back when the umpire announced; “Strike three!” My son wanted me to argue the call but I told him that no good could come of that and sometimes even the umpire makes a mistake and he seemed to brush it off.

As my son’s game ended the entire family was off to my daughter’s game. The games were evenly spaced out today so we could attend both of our children’s game. My daughter’s team hadn’t won a game all season until today. They were finally victorious 11-10 in a nail biter as my daughter was the winning pitcher. She pitched very well in the two innings she appeared and made a great play when she was at shortstop. She walked in both of her at bats scoring twice. She almost made another spectacular play because she didn’t trust her teammate as she tried to tag the runner coming home from third base but arrived at home plate a millisecond too late. All in all it was a good game and I could see the relief on all of the coaches faces as the winning run was scored. I even felt a bit relieved knowing my daughter’s team wouldn’t go winless this season. It was a great day on the diamonds as both of our children’s teams were victorious.

That Old "March Madness"

2009-03-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

I have made it a point to post a blog daily even though lately those blogs have been written a few days after. Lately with my new positions and everything else that happens in daily life it has gotten increasingly difficult to make the time necessary for the postings. This (the blog) is a large part of my recovery and something I enjoying doing it but it has become apparent that posting daily may not happen on a consistent basis. Instead of going back to those days that I have missed I am only going to report on “interesting” (at least they are interesting to me!) events because let’s face it getting up, going to the gym, going to work, coming home or attending a Gamblers Anonymous meeting or attending my children’s sport activities are the events in my life and there really isn’t anything much outside of those events.

These are very important events to me because I missed two years of my family’s events and now having been given a second chance by so many people and have been afforded this second chance through recovery I am making the very best of each day. Just because I don’t post on a given day doesn’t mean I wasn’t grateful for that day since I continue to learn to be grateful appreciative and blessed for everything in my life. I have decided to write when I make the time and just like Gamblers Anonymous it is up to me to make that commitment and honor that commitment. If I don’t have GA and recovery in my life I will go back to my old ways and those ways just didn’t work out very well. I don’t want to go back to those old ways because I love the new ways of living one day at a time.

I would be remiss to not mention an event that happens annually and for so many years was something I thought I enjoyed tremendously. This event is the NCAA Men’s College Basketball Tournament or more commonly referred to as “March Madness”. I can remember those days early on in my career where I would take off work just to watch 12 plus hours of college basketball and would most likely have placed a wager on all of those games that transpired in the early rounds of the tournament. Not only would have I wagered on the games but I would have thrown an entry or 10(!) into the various pools as the “brackets” have been placed in just about any office across the country.

I had a very big wake-up call four years ago and four years ago when the NCAA tournament started I was sitting in the county jail prior to being very fortunate to make bail on my case. I didn’t want anything to do with that tournament and subsequently in four years I have stayed away from wagering on anything along with filling out a bracket. I realize that there are many people who don’t consider filling out those office sport pools as gambling but according to the definition of gambling as it relates to me in the Gamblers Anonymous program those office sport pools and for that matter a bracket sheet that isn’t in an office sport pool is a road to ruin for me.

This is the first year in four years that I have actually been aware of the tournament and I had to laugh remembering how stupid I was for such a long period of time. I have actually won one of those office pools but that didn’t matter because of the 65 games that transpire during the tournament I am sure I had wagered on at least 80% of them and no matter if I won or lose I always lost in the end. Gambling for me is a losing proposition and now realizing that the next foray would lead to my ultimate lonely death I choose recovery and can only say “No, thank you,” when someone asks me to fill out one of those brackets even if it is for bragging rights. I do realize that no good can come of “innocently” filling out a bracket because inevitably my bad thoughts would re-occur and I would be even in a worse situation. I was very happy to just watch the college basketball game that was on at the gym and thankfully there weren’t any urges that accompanied me watching the game.

This morning was more of the usual as I was at the gym for a 10 mile run which went very well. I had someone come up to me and compliment me on my running while asking how far I had run. My response was “Only 10 miles” and one of the guys who I have spoken with before about running commented with a sarcastic “Gee only 10 miles??” I had to laugh because as I said it I try to downplay the number of miles because to me that really isn’t much of run but to many other people it is quite an accomplishment. It was just another day for me in the many days leading up to the marathon at the end of next week which I explained to this very nice person who was speaking with me. I am very fortunate (actually beyond fortunate) to be able to run and enjoy what I am doing; hopefully this shows.

As usual after the gym it was on to the office where lately getting things accomplishment is getting increasingly difficult. I have taken on new duties and these duties seem to take up a bulk of my time but I do need to do a better job of prioritizing. I did make a mistake this week and thankfully I have bosses who do understand. I have to get used to the idea that I am being given a great deal of latitude along with responsibility. I have had positions in the past but as I re-enter the workforce I have been a bit “cautious” always deferring to those that make the decisions. Apparently I am now once again one of those who can make those decisions so it is an adjustment that I will get through rather quickly. For now I will make mistakes but hopefully those mistakes will be minimized as the weeks pass.

Second "Game of the Week"

2009-03-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

Since yesterday was the third Monday of the month (oh my goodness it really is hard to believe that March is halfway over already) I didn’t have the Monday Gamblers Anonymous Speakers meeting to attend. This allowed me to watch the entirety of my daughter’s game and even though they lost again it was an entertaining time. My daughter is very involved as the pitcher and she has evolved into her team’s top pitcher. This can be attributed to her hard work and determination along with the fact that her team is still learning how to play the game. Nonetheless since my daughter is pitching I find myself cheering more and more for her and subsequently for her team. It was interesting hearing my daughter’s teammates talk at the end of the game. Some of her teammates were keenly aware that the team had yet to win a game while others could have cared less. One teammate had no idea what the record of 0 and 7 meant which could be a very good thing! In any event these are girls from 8 to 11 years old and as long as they are having fun nothing else matters.

Prior to Saturday’s game I dropped my daughter off on the way to my son’s religious service. I stayed at the field for a few minutes watching my daughter warm-up and as I stayed I struck up a brief conversation with some of my daughter’s softball coaches. The conversation was about playing softball and having fun. The point I tried to make was the fact of having the girls learn the game and in return hoped that they were having fun. I retold the story of how my daughter said to me without any prompting that she wanted to play softball exclusively all the way through high school. The coaches thought this was very good and one coach had a slightly different take on having “fun” while playing softball.

This coach has put a great deal of time and effort into teaching his daughter’s how to play softball. The girls see a hitting coach, pitching coach and have daily practice. This particular coach has even turned their backyard into batting cage complete with pitching machine and fencing. The goal of the coach was to get his daughter’s into college on a softball scholarship. I didn’t have much to say because I am a big believer of having my children enjoy what their activities and I would never force them into doing something they didn’t want to do. I didn’t get the impression that there was much of a choice for the daughters and I basically remained silent. The part I just didn’t understand was the fact that this coach is so good with the girls but so serious with their own daughter.

My day started with the usual trip to the gym. After taking the last two days off I was more than ready to get back. I had a good workout and this week is a “recovery” week in the marathon training program. These are the weeks I really need to take it easy because it does help towards the end of the program with being fresh. I do have a tendency of overdoing it even during these easy weeks but I am doing my best to adhere to the program. Things are progressing well and I realize that the marathon will be here before I know and it will come down to those last few miles but I will as always take it one stride at a time.

The work day was the usual of not knowing what to expect and that is what happened. I have been in my new position for over a month now and I really haven’t done the things I would have liked to do. It seems I take one step forward and three steps back. I am covering a great deal of ground and hopefully as things progress I will be able to accomplish the goals I continue to set for myself. This is a fascinating organization and I do bring some “expertise” to the table and I just need to facilitate what I have learned in the past few years into my position. I do believe everything will continue to work out for the best.

It was my son’s turn for his “game of the week”. The baseball field is a two minute drive from my office which does work out very well. My son’s team has hit a bump in the road over the past few games. I may have overestimated the team because their bats have been asleep. My son’s bat wasn’t asleep in the first inning as he lined a double to left centerfield. This was the hardest ball I have ever seen hit. Unfortunately he got thrown out at third while trying to steal as he started his slide a little too early. He was the catcher for most of the game and the head coach really likes his catching ability. My son only got up one more time and he struck out looking on what could have been a questioned call by the umpire. My son wasn’t too happy with the called third strike and said something to me about the “stupid” umpire which I quickly corrected and did my best to set him straight. The final score had my son’s team on the losing end of the stick but it was great being at the game and that concluded the second game of the week.

A "Normal" Meeting

2009-03-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I have been able to attend a “normal” Sunday Gamblers Anonymous meeting. Last week was the wonderful birthday celebrations and the weeks prior to that I was away and there were the other wonderful birthday celebrations. Last night was a regular Sunday meeting and much to my surprise there were more people in attendance than usual. This is a good sign because it is great to see people participating in such a wonderful program. The meeting was very good and it was great having the sharing that is associated with a “normal” meeting. As always I felt better (it wasn’t as if I felt bad) after the meeting because it is so powerful. I am grateful for this program and grateful for all the people associated.

We have some big “goings on” in our little group in the upcoming months. A very dear friend of mine will be celebrating five years in the program which is a wonderful accomplishment. There are a few other birthday celebrations and we are even having what is labeled “mini-conference” in June. I got a glimpse of the agenda and I will be presenting with this same friend who is soon to be celebrating five years in the program. Our topic is “recovery” which could be a broad topic but it is really what continues to save my life each and every day. I’m not sure what we will talk about for the hour we are presenting but I know it will be great. There are other great workshops and knowing our little group there won’t be anything “mini” about this conference!!

The weekend had ended and yes, these weeks, months and years are rolling along. Wow this morning marked a Monday and the start of the work week. I went to sleep much too late last night and when my usual time came to get out of bed I didn’t have the energy to get myself out of bed and to the gym. I decided to take the day off and instead of taking a day off at the end of the week I used today to get a few more hours of sleep. I do still feel guilty when I miss a scheduled day of working out and I often second guess myself on these days off but I soon got over it as I up with the rest of the family. My son made his entry and all was good with the world.

The early morning went well and yes, I found myself at the office for another “fun filled” week. There really isn’t a dull moment at work and it is a fascinating place. Most of my career I have worked for very large companies and my current position is for a much smaller company but it is probably the most “exciting” place I have ever worked. This can be attributed to my bosses who give new meaning to the word entrepreneur. These are two very intelligent and motivated people who have very good senses of humor. Couple this with the fact that they are “insane” but in a good way makes for a very fascinating day. Today was one of those days and before I knew it the day had come to an end.

As the day ended I was off to my daughter’s softball game. My daughter’s team did get off to a tough start but my daughter came into to pitch as a relief pitcher. She is getting very good but unfortunately anytime one of the opposing batters makes contact with the ball they are pretty much guaranteed first base. My daughter did make two unassisted plays while she was pitching and I think she was afraid to throw the ball to her teammates for fear of them dropping the ball. The game didn’t go so well for my daughter’s team as they lost their seventh (out of seven) game of the season. My daughter did reach base twice walking each time and scoring both of these times but it wasn’t enough. Yes, this will be a long season but my daughter is getting better with each game and in spite of not really being fond of her team she is managing very well.

"Good Guy" is my Son

2009-03-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

There was a rare three hour period last night that my wife and I were actually alone. My son was off to a birthday party which isn’t very unusual but the fact that the birthday party was for classmate who is a girl made it somewhat unusual. Yes, my son was invited to a birthday party for a “girl” which I found very cool. In fact only two boys were invited to the birthday and yes, my son was one of them along with his friend. My wife was told when she dropped my son off at the party that two boys who were invited are good “buddies” with the girls that were invited. I’m not sure why I found this so fascinating but I did and I did like the fact that my son is friends with a girl. This does tell me that my son is one of the “good guys” in class and hopefully he can maintain this moniker through the years.

My daughter was invited to yet another sleep over at a friend’s house. My daughter has made so many friends this year and this is very exciting especially knowing the fact that they just moved back at the beginning of the school year. My daughter did have a base of friends having gone to the same school from Kindergarten to the second grade. She made friends while she attended school in New Jersey and now she is expanding her friend base with people she didn’t know prior to moving to New Jersey. I do believe everything is working out extraordinary well in every facet of our lives.

Since both of our children were away my wife and I had some alone time; we took the time to just relax. No, we didn’t run off to dinner or go to the movies because we both had enough of running around and staying home was the perfect prescription. We even watched a movie; “The Pursuit of Happyness”. I had read this book while I was “away” and I found it very inspirational. I think I read something like 200 books while I was “away” and there are some books that I just can’t remember but I remembered this particular book very well since it was very inspirational. It is about a man who basically sacrifices everything for his son and has to live in a shelter, bathroom and all places in between while he was pursuing a dream. Ultimately this dream did pay off and I do believe it was all in his attitude.

The movie was good but like most times the book was better. In the book I had a better sense for what the main character was thinking and I saw more of the positive attitude in the book than in the movie. The movie was very emotional and I caught my eyes welling up at certain points as did my wife. The story is true which makes it more inspiring to know that these things do happen and yes, attitude does count. There is a saying that “attitude is everything” and yes, it does help. I do my best to maintain a positive attitude and I can say from experience it really does make a world of difference!!

The evening was very nice and we picked my son up from his party and took him to the yogurt store where we had taken my daughter a few weeks ago (in her pajamas). No, we didn’t take him in his pajamas although I doubt he would have had a problem with this. I did feel it was fair to him since we took his sister when he was at a sleepover so the score was even. The rest of the evening was just the three of us and yes, another Saturday was in the books.

Sunday morning came early with the usual showing of the CBS Sunday Morning Program and yes, my son did make his normal entry into our room. It was a very relaxing morning which is a far cry from the other six days during the week. My wife had to pick up my daughter early this morning from her sleepover and afterwards she did pick up some bagels for our breakfast. We were a family this morning and just hanging out with them was all I needed. Life is wonderful and it was a wonderful morning. As the afternoon approached I went over a good friend’s house to assist this friend with a longstanding project. This could be labeled the “irony” project because of the content but nonetheless I assisted and my compensation is a free lunch every couple of weeks. My friend asked me why I was being so nice and my response was “you are my friend and this is what friends do”. I know what friends do because I have received so much support and assistance. When I have the opportunity to give back I am more than willing and able. I was very happy to help and all went very well.

Religion, Rounding the Bases and Running

2009-03-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

On Thursday my son had asked if we could go out to our friends’ restaurant and instead of taking the pizza home that we could actually stay at the restaurant and eat. I thought this was a very good idea and last night we went as a family plus another good friend had joined us. I thought we would all get our requisite “free” pizza but this wasn’t the case. My son was in the mood for pasta, my daughter was in the mood for ravioli and my wife was in the mood for one of the daily specials. I did opt for the free pizza but our normally inexpensive venture to our dear friends’ restaurant was much more expensive than I certainly anticipated. I was happy to be with my family and our friend last night so the cost wasn’t that big of a deal. I do find it a bit hard to fathom how the restaurant was busy for the evening in this economy and I am starting to realize that there are certain sectors in this economy that very well may remain busy throughout this recession.

Dinner was very good and also took much longer than I thought it would. We were there for close to two hours talking and finally it was time to go home for the evening. Today would be the regular day on the “diamond” with softball and baseball games so we all needed a good night’s rest. I have joined a gym that is open 24 hours and one of the reasons I joined the gym was for the weekends so I could get in a workout before the day’s activities commenced. I had good intentions but I didn’t get to sleep until much later than usual and I was scheduled for a 20 mile run which meant I had to get up very early in order to be back home to start the day with my family.

The wee hour was upon me and I just couldn’t drag myself out of bed. I had a backup knowing the day’s events would be over around early afternoon and with nothing scheduled later on in the day I could actually get my 20 mile run in at that time. I opted for the backup plan since I did need the rest but was still up early to get my daughter off to her softball game. She had a doubleheader (two consecutive softball games) this morning and it was the early morning variety. My son did have a game as well but his game was cancelled (for him that is) because he was celebrating one of the sacraments in the Catholic religion. He was making his sacrament of reconciliation (confession in lay terms) this morning which coincided with his baseball game. This did take priority and my wife and I did attend minus my daughter who was at her softball game.

Thankfully my wife had some “inside” information regarding the reconciliation because had she not had this information it would have been a long morning. My wife was suggested that she arrive early and sit in the first row because those who arrive early get to leave early while those who arrive late leave much later. I took my daughter to her softball game and met my wife and son at the church where they did arrive early and did sit in the front row. The ceremony was a few minutes late upon starting but the advice my wife was given was perfect. We were indeed the first one called on and subsequently the first one to depart the services. If the ceremony had started on time my son could have made his baseball game only being a few minutes late but we didn’t prepare for that anyhow. I did feel bad for those who arrived later because based on the size of the audience getting through everyone would take a few hours. Instead of a few hours we were done in a matter of minutes and headed off to my daughter’s softball game.

I’m not sure if it is fair to say that the “Bad News Bears” don’t have anything on my daughter’s softball team. They have played four games up until today and have lost all four games and judging by the quality of their two opponents today they would be 0 for 6 by the end of the day. Yes, they did lose both games but my daughter pitched well in both of the games. She is coming into her own and we had a little one on one session with a private pitching coach last night who complimented my daughter on being fundamentally sound. She does need practice and with seeing the pitching coach she will get the direction she does crave. My daughter is excited about playing softball but I can see her team in wearing on her but no matter she is improving with every game and reached base each time she came up to bat today. She is a little competitor and I know she wants to win but as long as she is doing well and improving her mood is wonderful. In spite of losing both games she had a big smile on her face after pitching very well.

The children’s activities had ended and I was able to fit in the 20 mile run. I would like to say that the 20 mile run was easy but that just wasn’t the case. I think it was easier than some previous 20 mile runs but I could feel myself fading as I entered that last mile. I was able to do the last 10 miles faster than the first 10 miles and this is one of the changes I have made in my training program. I was feeling very good through the run but that last mile which does translate to those last 6 miles in the marathon. I just need to hold on to a slighter slower pace and I will accomplish that 3:20 minute time goal in order to qualify for the Boston Marathon. I have another 6 weeks to go before the next marathon and I do hope this will be the one but I have a few more training runs and whatever will happen will happen. Yes, this will be great but today being with my family is greater and this is what matters most.

Second Trimester Honor Roll

2009-03-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

This morning I did take off from working out. I modified my training program this week so I could have off this morning. I haven’t been such a “stickler” this time with my training program as I have in the three previous training sessions. I do stick with the allotted mileage per week but I am adjusting the number of days I run. Since I had my long run on the past two Sundays I have needed an additional day off during the week. I have taken this on those two preceding Mondays and as I added mileage to the days in between I allowed myself to take off this morning. I do get more from less and my “old bones” seem to work better with more time off during the week. I do believe that in my last training session I trained too hard and that led to my complete fade at the end of the Arizona Rock n’ Roll marathon. I am hoping for a better result at the end of next month and as always I don’t know what will happen but I am very grateful for the opportunity.

There was another reason I took off from working out this morning and that was to be with my family as everyone got ready for their day. My wife started her new job last week and went from working only two days a week to working all five days a week. This is certainly a blessing and we are so grateful especially knowing that there are so many people out of work. It may have taken longer than either one of us would have expected but it does seem like this new position was well worth the wait. I can tell by my wife’s demeanor that she is enjoying her new job. Yes, having the job does add to my wife’s increasing workload especially with all the children’s activities but her schedule is very conducive to still be involved with these activities. My wife is able to get the children to school in the morning and be home with them in the afternoon. We certainly couldn’t have asked for a better schedule.

Besides being home this morning there was a special event at my children’s school. The second trimester had concluded and earlier this week we were notified that our daughter had once again made the first honor roll or as it is named made the “Gold Honor Roll”. This meant our daughter earned straight A’s and this has been her “M.O.” during her scholastic career. She does work very hard to earn these grades and she is very excited to earn the award. I have been blessed with two wonderful children and I don’t believe I put pressure on either one of my children to earn good grades rather I hope they do their best. My daughter is certainly doing her best and the “jury is still out” on her younger brother. He is in the second grade and there aren’t any letter grades given and subsequently there isn’t any honor rolls.

My son is very smart but he gets sidetracked easily and prefers the “easy way out”. This does sound very familiar to my scholastic career. I never really tried that hard but seemed to get by and that “program” seemed to work well in the short run. I don’t want to put undue pressure on my son but I can see where this is all heading. His work is inconsistent and does prefer to seek assistance rather than to do the homework by himself. I haven’t been the best “tutor” because there are some days where I do more harm than good by supplying him the answers. He could be getting used to this and for some reason I give in to him more than I ever gave in to my daughter. I do hate teaching him the “hard way” but at some point I do hope he learns.

In any event my wife and I were headed over to the school for the honor ceremony. This was specifically for the fifth grade and there were many honor roll recipients. My daughter received her certificate with her bright beautiful smile and I got some very good pictures to chronicle the event. It is truly amazing after all that I have put my family through that her is my daughter the same wonderful intelligent person she has always been and yes, my son is still the same sweet happy little boy he has always been. I am so fortunate to be able to experience these moments and I do finally realize that these are the moments that life is all about. It isn’t about the fancy house, car, clothes and all those insignificant material possessions. It is all about family and my family is incredible.

Still Embarrassed

2009-03-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I was made aware that some “new” people have discovered this blog. There really aren’t many people who read this blog on a daily basis as the “Stat Tracker” has about 20 people per day. I do know most of these people and there are others that come in on a random search. These new readers are people I work with and when I was told that they were reading my blog I was a bit embarrassed. I wasn’t sure if embarrassed was the correct word but I think this is what I was feeling. I started this blog nearly four years ago as I chronicle my life in recovery.

This blog caused me some “uncertain” times as I served my sentence but somehow I managed to continue writing it even as I served my sentence. I am not sure why my first reaction was that of embarrassment because I really have nothing to be an embarrassed about. Well that might not be correct if I consider my entire situation since my fall from grace was very embarrassing for not only me but my immediate family.

I have moved past this embarrassment and sense of regret but when I heard that people I work with were going through this blog I some of those thoughts came back. Also during the birthday celebration on Sunday many people did mention this blog and I did feel uncomfortable. Once again I am not sure why I felt this way on Sunday but I did. I guess I have a long way to go to really feel comfortable about the entire situation. Maybe my lack of feeling comfortable could be construed as positive but for now it is what it is and I am sure these feeling will continue.

This week is moving along at a rapid clip as all the weeks seem to moving on. I wouldn’t be completely truthful if I didn’t mention the fact that at the end of this month (27th to be exact) my parole period will end. I have kept one eye on that date and do want it here. I know it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but there are certain events that happen on this date such as having my constitutional rights restored; yes, I will be able to vote and I will be eligible for jury duty. As an aside I have served on two juries over the years; one in New Jersey and the other out here in California. Yes, I was paneled as a juror and the trial out here I was somehow elected the jury foreman. Both of the cases were civil and it was very interesting to be a part of the process. No, my particular case never made it to a jury trial because I did confess at the inception. I don’t know if any right minded attorney would have me on a jury knowing my criminal background but having those rights restored is a big deal to me especially the voting rights.

The other big issue not having to get permission anytime I leave the county. Today I made plans to travel to New Jersey in June with my family as we will be celebrating my brother-in-laws new baby’s Christening. It was nice to know that I didn’t have to seek permission and really the last two trips I made out of the state weren’t any big deal but the fact that I don’t have to ask permission is a big step in the right direction.

All of this started over four years ago and yes, I brought all of this on myself but having it come to an end does make a difference. However; the one thing that doesn’t change is my recovery. I had a member of GA ask me a few months ago if I were still going to come to meetings when my parole expired and my answer without any hesitation was an emphatic “YES!” My parole and a large part of paying my debt to society conclude at the end of this month but my recovery continues one day at a time for a lifetime. Without recovery in my life those past mistakes will come back and I don’t want to ever go back to that despair.

This afternoon was my son’s turn for his baseball game and yes, after a very busy day in the office I made the very short drive to the baseball fields. My son’s team is having a hard time hitting the ball and they do seem very different from the first time I watched. I don’t know what has happened but they seem to be in a funk. My son was also mired in this funk as he struck out in his first at bat. He did snap out of it and continued of his streak of striking out in his first at bat which is followed by a base hit. He had this base hit in his second at bat and scored his team’s first run. The final score had my son’s team on the losing side of the ledger 3-2. These kids care even less about the final score than my daughter’s softball team. The only thing on their mind at the end of the game was what was in the snack bag. The snack bag is a big hit at the end of each game and it does seem some of the kids have more energy lining up for the snack bag than they do during the game. In any event it was great being on the sidelines during the game and life is wonderful.

My "Wants" and "Needs" of the Program

2009-03-11T15:57:00.000-07:00

Monday evening continued after the softball ended as I headed directly to the Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s meeting. I am very grateful I agreed to Secretary this meeting because had I not been the Secretary I doubt very much that I would have went directly from my daughter’s softball game to the meeting. A dear friend made a comment to me that I might be spreading myself “thin” with all of the children’s activities, work and Gamblers Anonymous. I don’t know about spreading myself thin but I can say that this is the time I need and want Gamblers Anonymous in my life. It was relatively easy to attend meetings when I wasn’t working on a full time and basis and waiting for my sentencing. I went to many meetings and did receive a great foundation while I spent those 19 ½ months “away”.

I have always believed that my biggest “obstacle” would occur when things in my life were going well. It is clear this has been my “M.O.” over the years. I first got myself into trouble when I was 18 years old and got out of that situation thanks to my family but didn’t seek any type of long lasting recovery. Yes, I abstained from gambling for a number of years but when things were going very well in my life I found myself right back into that same situation. Once again when I was 28 years old I got “bailed” out from my gambling debts by claiming bankruptcy. This second time was no “charm” as I did abstain from gambling for a few years but once again when things were going very well in my life I found myself faced with even worst problems.

I had (thankfully I still have!) a great family and with the births of my daughter and then my son I had all I would ever need but this wasn’t enough. I started gambling without the thought of the consequences what it would do to my family and certainly me because I had no recovery. I had that “great” job I aspired to and things on the exterior were very good; however; on the interior I was lying, cheating and stealing. Thankfully on that third and hopefully (God I sure hope so!) my last foray into the undesirable I found Gamblers Anonymous and my life continues to be saved each and every day. This is exactly why I need to spread myself “thin” and attend meetings along with staying connected to the program. It would be so easy to say I went to a meeting on Sunday so I don’t have to go to another meeting this week but since I am the Secretary I have accountability and responsibility to the group and more importantly myself.

These are key ingredients in my recovery; accountability and responsibility because let’s face it I was not accountable nor was I responsible when I was lying, cheating and stealing to those people that I love. Things are going amazingly well in my life and I do believe everything continues to happen for a reason. I am beyond grateful that my wife decided to come back from New Jersey so we all could live together as a family. My wife is doing amazingly well with her new job having gone from working two days a week to working all five days. Her hours are the same so she can be home when the children get home from school and having the income is certainly a welcomed relief.

I do remember my father telling me that I needed to get out of this area because this is where all the bad things happened and my name is tarnished. When my father told me this a few years ago I had my standard internal response of “I’ll show you” but it isn’t about “showing” anybody; it is about doing the right things. I am blessed with an incredible network of friends all thanks to recovery because without this recovery that network doesn’t exist. I have no idea how all the good things that have happened in the past year would have happened in another location and I am not the “pariah” that could have very well have happened. I am so happy to be in such a loving supportive area and without this love and support who knows what would have happened.

The speaker’s meeting on Monday evening was indeed wonderful as the speaker who is yet another dear friend in the program spoke. I have heard this story many times before but each time it seems more compelling. Compulsive gambling is a baffling insidious disease and when the outcomes are prison, insanity or death (in some cases all three) it does point out that a program of recovery is necessary. I am honored to have found this program as it continues to save my life each and every day.

Softball Game Evening

2009-03-10T23:32:00.000-07:00

I departed the office earlier than usual but really I am not sure what “usual” would be!! There are days where I have “typical” office hours and days where I have “atypical” hours. I do have flexibility in my position and the people I work for understand there is life outside of the office. There is no need to set “boundaries” with my bosses and as long as I am doing what I am supposed to be doing along with adding some type of “value” to the company I can depart the office when the need arises. The need arose last night as my daughter had a softball game. The weeks have entered the “rhythm” stage where both my son and daughter have one game and one practice during the week and the weekend there are games as well for them. The days during the week vary and it seems the premiere days are Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays for the games and practices.

Last night posed a bit of a challenge because along with my daughter having a softball game I also had the Monday evening Gamblers Anonymous speaker’s meeting. This meeting meets every other second and fourth Monday of the month and when there is a fifth Monday. Thankfully last night was the only time where the two schedules conflicted. My daughter does have another game (next week) on a Monday but that is not a scheduled Speaker’s meeting.

I departed the office and headed over to my daughter’s game where she was the starting pitcher. As I have chronicled before her team isn’t having the best season but daughter is starting to shine. She is coming into her own as a pitcher and is clearly the leader on the team. It does help that she is the one of the oldest players on the team and the fact that this is her fourth season playing softball. It was so cool driving up to the field and seeing my daughter making her warm-up pitches on the mound as the game was about to commence. She gave me one of her big beautiful smiles as I approached the field and it was clear to me she was enjoying herself.

My daughter did pitch well but since she isn’t the fastest pitcher in the league in terms of ball speed the hitters do hit the ball. Also; there are no such things as “routine” outs at this level and every hit ball is an adventure along with every non-hit ball. In the Major Leagues a player is doing very well if they make 7 outs in 10 at bats but in this league if a player hits the ball the chances of that player making it to first base is at least 9 out of 10. Additionally; coupled with the fact that the girls are allowed to steal bases a runner who makes it to first is virtually guaranteed to make it to third base on the ensuing pitches. It does make for a long inning but thankfully there are rules that prohibit the score from getting out of hand. The team who is leading is only allowed to score four runs in an inning and if a team is trailing that team is only allowed to take the lead by four runs. Most times the four runs come before the requisite three outs and yes, my daughter did give up the four runs.

I did notice a big advancement in my daughter’s pitching ability and her confidence is starting to show. Last season she was a wreck when one of her coaches took her out of the game in the middle of an inning but this season she has much more determination. This determination can cut both ways because she is her own worst critic. My wife and I don’t have to put on any pressure on our daughter because she has that covered herself!

Yes, she is determined to do well but when things don’t go so well she does have a tendency to get down on herself. This is getting a little better this season and I really do believe that by the end of the season she is going to be a very good pitcher. My daughter does have the hitting down and her slow start at the plate has heated up. She reached base in both of her plate appearances and scored two runs. She is more comfortable batting and is quite the hitter in spite of her limited size. It is apparent that my daughter is most likely going to be petite her whole life but at some point she will hit that growth spurt so it will be interesting to see how this equates to her already strong batting.

My daughter’s team did lose the game and the score escapes me. Her team will certainly lose more games than they win and they are still searching for that first victory. There are so many girls on her team that haven’t played softball before this season and many of these girls need so much more practice and instruction. She does have good coaches who do care about teaching the game and I think that learning the game along with having fun is essential for the girls to continue playing softball. My daughter is learning and is having fun. I also believe that winning and losing is superfluous to the girls and is more of a concern to the coaches and some parents. These are 8, 9, 10, and 11 year old girls who really could care less about the outcome but I guess at some point this all changes. They are learning and hopefully by the end of the year the learning will pay off for the girls.

Take it "One Day at a Time"

2009-03-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

It really is hard to imagine that the last time my entire family was with me at a “birthday” celebration was 3 years ago. I had the honor and privilege of celebrating that first birthday with three other members. Now three years later I had the same honor and privilege of celebrating my fourth year in the GA Program with two members and one of those members was at that first celebration. I am a bit saddened that the two other members are no longer associated with the GA program and I can only hope that they did not go back to the insanity. I do often think about those former members because they were very good members prior to me going away and they were in the courtroom that faithful day when I was sentenced. However; I have only seen one of them once since I have been back in the free world and once again I do hope that some of the wonderment inside the program stays with both of them. I do know I need and want the GA Program as it continues to save my life.

The celebration was wonderful and I did get inkling as to what it takes to really embrace recovery. There were several members who came from a great distance to help in the celebrations. It was no coincidence that these members have many years in the program. When I first entered the program I spoke with many members with a number of years in recovery and I really wanted what they had. The overwhelming response I got was to take it “one day at a time” and life will get better. They were certainly correct as life does get better and when a member told me when I first entered the program that I would “never have to feel that way again” as long as I apply the principles of the program in my daily affairs. This member was correct and thankfully four years removed from that very faithful day I don’t have to feel that way again. Living a life with honesty, open-mindedness and the willingness to do the right thing is the only way to live, thank you so very much for opening my eyes to the right way to live.

With the celebration over we returned home. My wife did mention that there was only one thing missing from the celebration and that was my sponsor. My sponsor has been an integral part of my recovery and pioneer in our little GA group having grown the fellowship over the years. My sponsor no longer resides in the area and is doing his great things in Colorado. He along with another dear friend in the program are growing that area incredibly. I will always remember the emphatic look on my sponsor’s face when I entered that room for the first time. My sponsor shared a similar path and I saw firsthand that there was another side and through the program life does indeed get better. I am so blessed and grateful for my sponsor and for the fellowship. I did miss the fact that my sponsor wasn’t in attendance but I knew that my sponsor was right there next to me spiritually and this is always the case.

This morning I decided to take the day off especially after having run 18 miles yesterday. I wanted to alter my running program this week and I am going with the less is more theory. I do need two days off per week from running and having done my long run on Sunday instead of Saturday I needed to devise a better plan of attack. There is a certain number of miles I would like to run each week and I will accomplish taking today off. It was good sleeping a bit later than normal and seeing the family awake as I left the house.

I headed off to work to start the work week. I have to admit this is probably one of the more if not the most interesting position I have ever held. There is truly never a dull moment and to say that I am fortunate to be in this position at this particular point in my life would be a huge understatement. I have worked for multi-national corporations most of my career and in the past year I have gotten a flavor for building a business. Of course my first foray was a lesson in what “not” to do but this current edition is something very different. These are very good intelligent people who maybe a bit ADD but the objective is clear which is to build something very profitable. Hopefully I can add some value to the company and help in any way I can. I do enjoy what I am doing and coming into the office each day does make me feel great. It has been one year since I came back to the free world and I am loving each and every day as I attempt to my best one day at a time.

Four Year Celebrations

2009-03-08T22:59:00.000-07:00

Last night it was just my wife, daughter and me. My son had a sleepover birthday party he was attending. We had promised our daughter that we would get frozen yogurt tonight just the three of us. When we got home from the softball game my daughter had taken a shower and put on her pajamas having forgotten about going out for the frozen yogurt. When the time came to go out she didn’t want to get change so we convinced her to go out in her pajamas. To say that we “convinced” her would be a stretch since we had to basically drag her out of the house. Normally we would have just taken her order and brought back the frozen yogurt. However; this particular yogurt store was self serve and the whole concept is to make your own frozen yogurt sundae. Since our daughter didn’t want to get changed from her pajamas we took her in her pajamas to the nearby store.

She was very funny as she was very concerned with the fact of seeing someone she knew while being out in the public wearing her pajamas. I guess there is a great deal of self consciousness in an 11 year old and my daughter was exuding this last night to a point where my wife and I were laughing so hard. As we drove to the yogurt store I would make gestures outside the car to the fact that my daughter was wearing her pajamas and all she kept saying was “Daddy you are so mean!” I may have been mean but it was very funny especially when we pulled up to the store and my daughter didn’t want to get out of the car. She finally acquiesced and went inside but the whole time she was inside she tried to hide behind me. She didn’t see anyone she knew and seemed very relieved when we got back into the car.

As we got back into the car she asked if I was going to write up this episode in my “blog”. Of course without missing a beat I said, “Yes”. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to document this very special scene. She was so concerned with seeing someone she knew she barely took any frozen yogurt in her cup and couldn’t wait to get back into the car. Yes, there was a sigh of relief emanating from the back seat as she entered the car. I did find this very funny and my wife found equally as funny. Thankfully our daughter is a good sport and didn’t take our laughing to heart. We maybe “mean” but it was all in good fun and it was a very fun evening with the three of us. We spent the rest of the evening watching television and just hanging out on the couch. We may have not done much but it was a great evening nonetheless because we were together and that is what matters most.

This morning I had been given the go ahead to work out since I didn’t work out yesterday. Before heading off to the gym I did watch the usual CBS Sunday Morning Program with my wife but much like all the other Sundays my son wasn’t with us. He was at his sleepover and my daughter was still getting her beauty sleep. After watching most of the program I was heading off to the gym for my long run of the week. I broke down earlier this week and joined a new gym since my current membership was about to expire. I did my best to find a reasonable membership and one of the positives of this economy is the fact that good deals do exist. I was able to find a membership actually less expensive than my current membership.

I made my way to the new gym which is open 24 hours a day so I don’t have to worry about the hours on the weekend. Hopefully the hours will remain constant and I won’t be face with what happened at the other gym. I was able to get in an 18 mile run and it felt very good. I did run at least 18 miles last week when I was in Colorado but those 18 miles were very hilly and I did “feel” it after the run. Today I was feeling great at the end of the run and I think having the extra day of rest did help with a much better run. I am on tract for the marathon at the end of April and hopefully I will be able to accomplish my time goal of 3 hours and 20 minutes to qualify for the Boston Marathon.

The work out was over and I made my way home. The children were ensconced in their homework and yes, they had homework on the weekend. My daughter always seems to have homework and is working on yet another project. My son rarely has homework on the weekend but was selected as the “Star Student” and had a poster he needed to turn in. The poster was title “All about Me” and yes, it was all about my son which was very cool. He wants to be a baseball player when he grows up and that certainly makes sense since he has such a proclivity towards anything with a ball! It was a great poster but most of the credit on the poster has to go to my lovely wife. My son did what he thought was necessary and then my wife did what she thought was necessary. It was indeed a masterpiece.

The day did not end when the homework was completed there was one more event left for the weekend. I was celebrating my 4 years in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I had the honor and privilege of celebrating this with two other wonderful members that were also celebrating 4 years in the program. These two members are good friends and one of those members is a very dear friend. Recovery is amazing because 4 years ago I didn’t know either of these 2 people and now they are certainly friends. The celebration was great and having my family with me was such an added bonus.

This would mark the second time my family was by my side as I celebrated a birthday in Gamblers Anonymous. The first time was three years ago as I celebrated my first year. Year two was celebrated at “camp” and last year my family was still in New Jersey. There was a great deal of love in that room today and I had tears in my eyes when I spoke to my family. I am so blessed and so fortunate to have them in my life and I owe them so much. I can’t bring back the time I missed but I can do my best to make the very best of the time we have together. Today was an extra special great time and yes, recovery is incredible!!

The Day on the Ball Fields

2009-03-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

The doctor did say that my daughter’s eye should clear up with the eye drops and the doctor was correct. She did have a little crustiness on her eye this morning when she woke up but her eye was clearing up. This was a good sign because I don’t think my daughter could take not being able to play in her softball game this afternoon. In any event all was proceeding nicely and we decided to have her sleep in this morning as there was no need for her to go her brother’s early morning baseball game. She liked the fact that she could sleep in but even I was surprised to see her awake much earlier than anticipated.

I had intended on getting up very early this morning to go for an 18 mile run but after looking at our day’s itinerary I saw that there was a gap between games and I could get this run in later on today. This meant I got to sleep in and enjoy the arrival of our son as he entered our room at his usual time even for the weekend. I have to admit that I enjoy my runs but I like hanging out in a very relaxed setting with my family much more and this morning was awesome. We lingered a little longer than usual but made our way to start the day’s activities. We were out of the house at the early hour headed off to my son’s baseball games. Yes, this is the plan for just about every Saturday over the next few months. Both of our children have games on Saturdays and today were no exception.

We arrived at the ball field and once again I found myself inside the dugout and on the field helping out with my son’s team. It appeared that the early start was affecting my son’s team much more than the other team. The team I witnessed in the game on Thursday didn’t exactly resemble the team that was on the field this morning. It seemed that each boy was sleepwalking and this goes the same for my son. They all seemed out of sorts and this was reflected in the final score as my son’s team lost 6-1. My son once again had one hit in two at bats but did score the only run for his team. He caught basically the entire game and did have glimpses of being awake back there!!

It is interesting how there are some boys on my son’s team who are really good and others who are just learning the game. Hopefully the coaches won’t lose sight of those boys who need extra help and today I was doing my best to help those boys who really didn’t have much experience playing baseball. My wife found this fascinating because I wasn’t the best baseball player in my youth but I informed that being a good baseball player doesn’t necessarily translate into being a good baseball coach. I do understand the concepts needed to play baseball and I am sure I couldn’t exactly execute those concepts when I played baseball but I do know how to communicate those concepts.

I thought I would have time for my run in between games but I didn’t figure in the photo session for my daughter. I had asked my wife if she wanted me to attend the photo session (this is where my daughter had her picture taken with her softball team) and yes, my wife wanted me to come because afterwards we were headed to a sporting goods store to buy the children baseball/softball related equipment and apparently my input was needed. My wife did tell me that it was okay if I went for my run tomorrow even though it was a Sunday. I certainly listen to my wife and off we went to the photo session which took much longer than anticipated. There appeared to be some “technical” difficulties which caused the delay but the photos were taken and off we went to the sporting goods store.

We were able to purchase the much needed equipment (cleats) with gift cards the children received for their birthdays and afterwards we had lunch together. My daughter’s game time was approaching and after some more errands we were headed to her game. This would be the first time I would see my daughter in an official game for this spring season since I missed the first game when I was in Colorado and her second game conflicted with my son’s game on Thursday. My daughter did extremely well and it appears she is the star of her team. She got a single in her first at bat that drove in two run and she scored in both of her plate appearances. She did get the opportunity to pitch but entered the game in a virtual impossible situation.

The score was tied and the time limit had been reach so either my daughter’s team was able to record three outs without the other team scoring to earn the tie or if the other team did score they would win the game. I say this was a virtual impossible situation because getting three outs without the other team scoring had not been accomplished in any of the innings my daughter’s team had played. However; my daughter did her best recording the first out by tagging the runner as she headed for home but after a series of errors the winning run did score and my daughter’s team did lose the game. This was not a deterrent to my daughter because she was excited to pitch and excited to get her first hit of the season. I watched her confidence level sore as the game went on. She came up to me with a big smile and asked how she did and I told her “great” which made her smile even more. It was great to see her so happy and was a far cry from last night where she was sad because she had to stay home from the birthday party. Yes, it was a great day on the baseball fields for my family and just being here was indeed wonderful.

Ah the "Pink" Eye

2009-03-06T22:25:00.000-08:00

Last night I met up with my wife and daughter at the Subway shop where my daughter’s team was getting sandwiches after their softball game. My daughter’s team has three events planned after games this season and this was event number one. The next event I think is getting smoothies from a local “juice” store and the final event is getting pizza as a team. These are good ideas to build camaraderie on the team and last night we were standing there with 11 other girls from my daughter’s softball game. My wife had another commitment she needed to get to so I had both children and placed their orders. It is apparent these are my children especially with their “peculiar” eating habits.

My daughter ordered a cheese sandwich, yes, that’s right just cheese nothing else! My son was a little more daring ordering a pepperoni, salami and bacon sandwich. Yes, none of those things I would ever eat but I am all from them to decide their eating habits over time. It is also apparent that unlike their mother who likes her sandwiches “wet” my children prefer the dryness on their sandwiches since nothing other than the meats and cheese touched the sandwich bread!!

We took our sandwiches home because there was still some unfinished homework than needed to be tended to. I didn’t quite understand this because they did have a half day from school but since my wife doesn’t get home from work until mid afternoon the children were taken care of by our dear friends so not much homework was accomplished. In any event we needed to get home so the homework could be finished and this is what happened when we got home. The children were up much longer than usual since dinner needed to be eaten and the homework needed to get done. This was okay because with today being Friday this wouldn’t mess up the rest of the week.

I have taken it upon myself to institute casual Fridays as I wear jeans to work. Technically it really wouldn’t matter if I wore jeans to work every day but I think my corporate upbringing doesn’t allow me to go to the office in jeans every day. There really isn’t a dress code and there are some people who do wear jeans every day. I have a closet full of business casual clothes and I do like wearing them. I don’t really like the suit and tie look probably for the simple fact I had to do this for over 15 years. I do prefer the business causal look and since I didn’t really wear any decent clothes for nearly two years I don’t mind wearing something other than jeans!! However; it is nice to just wear the jeans on Fridays and this is what I have done since I have been a fixture in the office.

The morning went by so quickly and I was looking forward to lunch. Over the week I don’t usual take a lunch grabbing a protein bar at my desk but today I was meeting my wife for lunch. My wife works from Monday to Thursday and has Fridays off. I thought today would be a perfect day to have lunch with my wife. We met at a place that actually had options for me and was more on the health conscious side. My wife was having difficulty finding something she could order because since it was Friday and this is the Lenten season meat is prohibited by the Catholic Church. Of course I may not be the best Catholic but I don’t meat on Fridays or any other day for that matter!! My wife finally found something and we placed our orders.

We were enjoying our appetizers when my wife’s cell phone rang and she noticed that is was our children’s school calling. This could never be good because the call doesn’t normally call to tell us that our children are doing great. Yes, it was a “sick” call and it was our daughter who was diagnosed by the school’s nurse with “pink eye”. My wife noticed that my daughter’s eyes weren’t right this morning but she just put some Visine in them and sent my daughter to school. Apparently it was “pink eye” and our lunch date had ended abruptly. My wife was in route to my daughter’s school to pick her up and to take her to the pediatrician. We got the food to go and went our separate ways so even the best laid plans do go awry with those things well outside of my scope of control. We did shake it off and the concern was solely on our daughter.

I got a full report on our daughter later on this afternoon. Yes, she did have “pink eye” and she was quarantined for the next 24 hours. This was good and bad news to my daughter. The bad news was the fact that she couldn’t go to the birthday party she was invited to this evening. The good news was the fact that she could go to her softball game tomorrow afternoon. My daughter was very bummed she couldn’t attend the birthday party because she had been looking forward to it for awhile. This party had been canceled once before because of the school’s talent show but my daughter couldn’t attend this evening. She was sad but seemed to take it all in stride in between her tears. There is no doubt my daughter is very sensitive especially in these circumstances but is very resilient. She did bounce back later on this evening and had her sights on the upcoming softball game.

Sis, Wow!!!!

2009-03-05T23:57:00.000-08:00

Today my “little/younger” sister turned 40 years old. My goodness how time flies and I have a younger sister who is 40 years of age. One of my earliest memories was when she was born. I was about 3 ½ years old and when she was born she had to have an operation for a double hernia. I can vividly remember standing in our living and my father explaining what was happening to my newborn little sister. Thankfully everything went well that day and she is flourishing some forty years later with a wonderful family of her own. I did have the honor and privilege of visiting her last weekend where I had such a great time. My “little” sister is such a great person and I can’t say enough of how much support I have received from her over the years. She never wavered and showed such compassion to not only me but to my entire family. Thank you sis and Happy Birthday!!!

I was back at it early this morning as I made my way to the gym. I needed the day off yesterday with all the travel and running around I had done in the past few days. My workout was very good and yes, it was another “interesting” day in the office. My day went well as I got those “goals” accomplished and I am continually amazed how our company operates. There are two distinct parts of our business. We are in the recovery business but in order to get that business a considerable amount of marketing must happen. I haven’t been around this industry very long (about one year now) but I have made some observations. There appears to people who get into this business to help those in need of recovery. There are also people in this business who get into to it for the money.

There are drawbacks for each of those categories because in my opinion too much of one thing is a detriment. Those who get into it to just help people don’t really understand the business model needed in the area of marketing because if there aren’t any people in your facility to help then how can they receive help. Those who get into it for the money are missing the clinical portion of helping people because if those people don’t receive quality care the business will cease to exist. I think our facility is somewhere in between these two because we do deliver a quality of care and our partners certainly understand the marketing component needed. It is remarkable how far they have come in only five years. The company was founded with 14 beds and now has 54 beds which by the way were full as of this week.

I first met one of the partners nearly 4 years ago as I attended the Problem Gambling Counselor Training session. I wanted to immerse myself in recovery and I thought this would be a great way. Unbeknownst to me one of the partners was attending this same training session and one thing led to another and we have been friends ever since. We started to car pool to the training and it was a long lasting friendship. I have been extremely fortunate in every aspect of my life and even as I served my term I always thought about this partner. Upon my release I was given an opportunity to assist another facility and even when that didn’t work out as planned this opportunity arose as a direct result of that opportunity. There is such a strong path and such a connection to recovery I am eternally grateful. Now my responsibilities have increased and everything is going very well.

This afternoon was “double booking” with my daughter having a softball game and my son having a baseball game. My son plays his baseball games about a half mile from my office and thankfully with my wife’s new work schedule she is able to get the children to and fro their sports activities. My daughter’s game commenced about a 30 prior to my son’s game so my wife had to make that her first stop then she proceeded to take my son to his field. I had some things I needed to finish up in the office but made it a point to get to my son’s game in time for the first pitch. I was able to arrive a few minutes earlier and once again found myself with the team as an assistant coach. The team looked very good and yes, these games with the kid pitch are different from last season’s machine pitch. There isn’t nearly as much scoring as there was with the machine pitch and the innings last longer. The kids do a great job of pitching and I can see the joy on my son’s face as he sits behind the plate waiting for the first pitch. He loves being the catcher and I am so glad we gave him the opportunity to catch last season. He is involved with every pitch and did a great job today.

My son’s team was victorious 4-2 and my son had one hit in two at bats. He did indeed do very well behind the plate and the head coach must like him because he only came out in the last inning as the coach gave another player a try behind the plate. It was great standing in the dugout watching my son play baseball and I look forward to a very good season through and through. I don’t care if my son’s team wins or loses every game. As long as my son is having a good time and learning something in the process I think that is all that matters. This also goes for his teammates. These kids are only 7 and 8 years old and need to learn the fundamentals of the game before competition can ensue. I don’t understand why some coaches have the need to win at all costs especially at this level. I think the moniker of coach should be changed to “teacher” especially when dealing with youngsters of this age. Anyhow it was a great way to end the day on the baseball diamond.

The "Feng Shui" Email

2009-03-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

We arrived home last night much later than anticipated from the year end flag football party. The party was very nice and our children had a very good time. My wife arrived after my daughter’s softball practice and it is great that both my son and daughter have friends who were associated with the flag football team. It is so interesting that our children’s friends’ parents are also my wife’s friends as well. I am beyond fortunate the way in which everything continues to work out and now there are so many bonuses in my life. In the past I was so busy with myself I never took the time to really get to know my wife’s friends but now I am very impressed with my wife’s friends. It was a good night all around but since we arrived home later than expected the children needed to finish their homework prior to going to sleep. This made their bedtime later than usual and with that the day ended in the usual quick fashion.

This morning I wasn’t exactly “feeling it” and decided to take the day off from exercising. I guess the travel over the weekend along with the unexpected long run had caught up to me. I needed the extra rest and I also needed to get into the office a little earlier today. I had expected to work late tonight but this late session got postponed which was a positive since I was going to help a friend out this evening. I was able to arrive early at the office but once again my “best laid plans” went a bit awry. The day went along as it usually does with me being pulled in several different directions. I must say I really enjoy these kinds of days because the day passes so quickly and I have a great deal of fun along the way.

This evening my wife and I went over to a friend’s house to help them “minimize”. At first we were both a bit hesitant since the circumstances weren’t so good but it became apparent to both my wife and I that this was the best course of action for our friend. Once again we stayed much longer than anticipated and had to get home for dinner. Dinner came at a much later than normal time but the fact that the four us were all together meant everything to me. There is this constant that no matter how hectic the day may be for all us; sitting at the dinner table together makes those hectic times disappear into thin air.

Today I received a wonderful email from a very good friend in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I am not one for the chain emails or the good/bad luck that comes with those emails. This particular email did have some “luck” attached to it but that wasn’t a concern of mine. I know that as long as I continue my life with honesty along with practicing the principles of the GA Program I know everything will continue on its wonderful course. The message of this email was very profound and I wanted to share it. Here is the message within the email without the vestiges of good/bad luck;

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN... In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! .... When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY; Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

"Backed Up" Boy

2009-03-03T22:21:00.001-08:00

The flight from Denver to San Diego yesterday was uneventful which a positive is always during air travel! Additionally there were several empty seats scattered throughout the cabin and one was adjacent to my seat. This was a more enjoyable trip as opposed to going out to Denver where the plane was packed with people. I was surprised to see that many empty seats and I guess in this economic slump even the airlines are having difficulty optimizing their flights. Interestingly enough there were several empty seats located in the “exit row” and one man asked if he could sit in these seats as the door closed on the airplane. The flight attendant explained that those seats were “premium” class and an additional charge of $59 would apply. This seemed ludicrous because with the doors closed it was apparent no one would be sitting in those seats but I guess “policy is policy” and the man had to return to his “non-premium” class seat.

I had my laptop with me on the airplane and I wrote away while listening to music. This helped to pass the time and the time did go by quickly as the plane was landing in San Diego right on schedule. I didn’t check any luggage and my ride was waiting for me curbside. Everything went right according to plan and I was headed home rather quickly. I intended to go directly to the office but I had a message waiting for me on my cell phone. The message was from my wife informing me that my son had come home from school early with a stomachache and was at our very dear friends’ house.

My wife had a bit of struggle with my son this morning but my wife had to go to work so my son went into school with his unsettled stomach. About two hours later he went to the school nurse and was headed to our dear friends’ house. This is the drawback about my wife working along with the time that our children will have off from school during spring break and during the summer. Our daughter is approaching the age where she could watch her younger brother but isn’t there quite yet. My daughter is very mature for her age but is still uncomfortable with being home alone with her brother. We will need to make arrangements during their spring break and most certainly during the summer. My mother was thinking about coming out during spring break but she can’t leave my grandmother who is still recovering from her unfortunate accident of a month ago. I am sure we will work something out and thankfully we do have extremely great friends as these friends were able to watch our son today.

Instead of going directly to the office I went to these friends’ house and picked up my son. My son didn’t appear very sick and I think he just wanted to stay home from school along with the fact that he was a bit “backed up”. He was given a pill and the “back up” was taken care and so was his ill feeling stomach. It was great seeing my son and I swear he grew in the two days I was gone!! Even when isn’t feeling up to par he is still such a loveable child. I waited with him and yes, I treated him to lunch while we waited for my wife to come home from work. My wife was able to arrange her schedule where she will be home at 3:00 pm when the children come home from school and she will be able to take the children to their various sporting activities. This was a big relief for both of us and this schedule does make more sense for all the parties involved. Everything is once again coming together so nicely and yes, I am so thankful.

My wife came home and I stayed for awhile before venturing off to the office. My desk is a mess (which is apparently how I ALWAYS operate!) and I needed to get a few things done which is why I had to make my way into the office. After talking with my family I did make my way into the office and the madness ensued. It was a big day for our little company because we were featured on the very people “Intervention” program which airs on the A&E channel. Also; there was a board meeting earlier that went very well.

I went about my business and got some stuff done before calling it a night. I was a bit tired from the plane travel and the lack of sleep over the weekend. The weekend was very relaxing but for some reason even after all I have been through I still have difficulty sleeping in “foreign” places especially when I am in a “group” environment. This could be psychological and it also could be just the way I will always be. In any case I had a great time this weekend but was tired last night. I came home after getting those few things accomplished and needed to get to sleep. I slept well and I was even thinking about blowing off my morning workout. I couldn’t get myself to blow off the workout and I made my way into the gym a few minutes later than usual. I did have a very good workout and I did need to work out the soreness in my legs. The 7 mile run seemed to help in displacing the lactic acid inside my legs and all was well.

I had such a quick day at the office I have no idea what I got accomplished. I did accomplish my main goal but the remaining goals weren’t exactly met. However; it was a good day in the office and at the end of my work day I headed off to the baseball field to pick up my son from his practice. Both my son and daughter had practices and thankfully with my wife’s new schedule she was able to get both of them to their practices without interfering with anyone’s work schedule. I picked up my son because his year end flag football team’s party was being held on the other side of town. We made our way to the very nice party and my son received his trophy which was great. It was wonderful seeing him accept the trophy and knowing my son I suspect there will be many more trophies in the future for him.

Interpretation of Gambling

2009-03-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

It was a very leisurely day yesterday and it appears my legs weren’t very used to the hilly terrain since I had a little soreness. I could feel my quadriceps tightening during the day and I took this to be a positive because I need to get my legs used to hilly and hard terrain for those last few miles of a marathon. I fade in those miles and hopefully yesterday’s unintended long run will help me for the next marathon. Lately I have been thinking about moving up my scheduled marathon to this month. I don’t know if I am exactly ready especially after yesterday’s run but there is a somewhat local marathon in three weeks and I am seriously considering running in that event. I will research more this week and the more I think about the run at the end of April I realize I would be missing something in the lives of my children and I don’t want to miss anything. I figure this out as the days go.

Yesterday was good quality time with my sisters and mothers. We played a game that in the strictest sense of Gamblers Anonymous could be considered a no-no. I am very serious about my recovery and in the program is a definition of gambling with encompasses many things. Most people think of gambling as having money or some other item of value change hands but in GA we take it a step further stating when the outcome is uncertain whether it is through skill or chance. This would prohibit any board games, card games, competitive events and anything else where the outcome is uncertain. I do play board games with my family and yesterday we played a card game where no money has ever changed hands and it was just a social gathering for all of us as family. I do know some members of GA who frown on any board games and card games because of the GA definition of gambling. I could dissect that definition to even include but that is not the point.

I won’t spin a wheel or enter a drawing or even say “I bet” even though nothing would be bet. I did however; play a game of pinochle. I do use my sponsor as a measuring stick and we have had many conversations about this subject and my sponsor sets a good example citing the fact that GA is an honesty program. I don’t believe I break my abstinence when I play board games with my children and friends nor do I think I broke my abstinence yesterday with our family card games. We don’t even play for bragging rights we play for fun and coupled with the fact I embrace the honesty of the Gamblers Anonymous Program makes it that much better.

We had a great time this weekend and it was so relaxing I did feel guilty knowing my wife was working so hard with the children. I do owe her and hopefully I can give her a weekend to herself in the upcoming months because she more than deserves that.

Last night I made lasagna for dinner and I must compliment my sister on her thoughtfulness. She seems to think of everything from the mints on our pillows to having me make lasagna that I would eat. She is an amazing person and has such an incredible family. Her husband is remarkable and in spite of the fact he was battling a terrible cold he was his usual unassuming self. Her children are growing up and are still so cute and smart. My niece is 4 and my nephew just turned 7, they are wonderful children and the entire weekend was so cozy.

This morning I had thought about running but I went well over my recommend mileage with the impromptu 19 mile run yesterday and my legs were a little tight this morning. I decided that I should just rest today and get back at it tomorrow. Everyone was awake early this morning and my sister’s house was remarkable for a school morning. My older sister was amazed how well everyone was functioning at this early hour and there was plenty of time to get our nephew off to school. This was decidedly different form our house but my sister’s children are younger and I am sure there are those days of rushing out the door. There wasn’t any rushing out the door this morning and all was very calm. My older sister gained an extra day when her flight back to New Jersey was celled due to the impending snowstorm on the east coast. She won’t be leaving until tomorrow and I loved her reaction as she said, “oh well”. She certainly understands the things she can’t control and the weather and the airlines are certainly two of those things!! Instead of us going to the airport it was just me and my younger sister. I do need to get home but it was great seeing her and we hugged our good-byes. If things go according to plan we will still everyone this June in New Jersey as there is a family event scheduled. It will be great to see everyone again but this time I will be with my entire family.

There is Guilt

2009-03-01T21:19:00.000-08:00

It is truly amazing the further away I get from my abstinence date the less I dwell on those faithful days. Yesterday did mark four years since my last bet and it seems all those “significant” dates are clustered. Thankfully these dates are indeed clustered because if they weren’t I would have much bigger problems. Yes, four years ago while the bottom was about to drop out I placed my last wager. It was on some insignificant professional basketball game and thankfully I lost those wagers. Had I not lost my abstinence date would have been another day because I wasn’t going to stop until all was lost. I did stop prior to the “ultimate” loss and I know if I were ever to venture into those shark infested waters I would get eaten alive. Recovery continues to save my life and incidentally yesterday a very dear friend who continues to be associated with the Gamblers Anonymous Program for over 40 years took the time to call me and congratulate me on my four years from the insanity. This is the tremendous part of the program having someone who has so much time in the program take the time to place the telephone ev

Four years has gone by so quickly and I realize at the very beginning I didn’t think it went fast enough. Now as I embrace each day in recovery I want the time to slow down. I know time is time and it goes faster and faster with each passing year but now really immersing myself in each day makes my life incredible. I had hoped when I first entered recovery that there was another side and I am starting to experience this other side with all my being. I wanted to know how I could recover and it was people like this dear friend with over 40 years in GA that continues to demonstrate this other side and so much more. Sure it took some catastrophic circumstances for me to come to my senses but these senses are awakened each and every day and I am eternally grateful.

I spoke with my wife several times yesterday to get updates on the day’s events. My daughter had her softball game very early which caused everyone to wake up very early. Things seem to go well as they arrived at the scheduled time. My daughter’s team didn’t fare too well losing and my daughter did strike out twice which is very unusual. She attributed this to being nervous and I can see getting the first game jitters. I am sure as the season progresses she will be her old self smacking the softball all over the field. She did have an opportunity to pitch and pitched one scoreless inning. I am not certain of the details because there were conflicting reports but it was confirmed the opposing team did not score when she was pitching.

As my daughter’s game ended there were some opening day festivities my family attended before heading over to my son’s baseball game. This is when most of my wife’s running around came in as she went from the softball field to the baseball field back to the softball field back to the baseball field and finally back to the softball field. Yes, that is a great deal of running around!!! My son had team pictures and afterwards his game commenced. It appears this “Kid pitch” is a whole different ball game as opposed to the “Machine pitch”. My wife told me there wasn’t as much hitting compared to the “Machine pitch” but my son seemed to have fun. He was the starting catcher and by all accounts caught very well. He struck out his first at bat but lined a single in his second and final at bat. His team was victorious winning 3-0 which is a far cry from those 18-14 games in the fall.

Their day was action packed and coupled with the fact that the temperature reached 82 degrees my wife came home with sunburn. I would have liked to be there but being in Colorado was very nice. I did miss my family and it did feel strange being with my sister and her family without my family. My older sister was without her family bur her children are older than mine and she seemed very happy for the respite. I guess I do feel a little guilty missing opening day because I missed those two years and I don’t want to miss anything else. The weekend in Colorado was great to see my sisters and mother but I really couldn’t help think about my family all weekend long.

This morning I went out for a run. I had hoped to meet up with my younger sister who just started running a few months ago. I thought it would be great running with my sister so I ventured out about an hour before my sister was scheduled to go running. The weather in the Denver area was very nice (I have to admit it was a bit too cold for me last night as the temperature dropped into the 20’s) as I started my run along a very nice trail near my sister’s house. I have run this trail before but the last time I ran I got a little lost coming back into her development. I thought I had my bearings down and understood her development much better. However; as I ran I just wanted to go a little further then a little further. The next thing I realized I was nowhere near where my sister would be running and I had lost my bearings. My one hour run turned into a two and a half hour run covering probably 19 hilly miles. This did feel great and running in the crisp cool weather along with the altitude made a nice change of pace from my normal treadmill running.

I apologized to my sister that I couldn’t make it back in time for her run and she understood. I told her what happened and she just smiled. It was a great run with a great view of the Rocky Mountains which are snow capped. The open space felt very good and it was a great start to the day. The next event on the schedule was a very nice brunch where we would celebrate my sister’s birthday. This was at a nearby hotel and it was one of those very fancy brunches. I couldn’t help but to think about my wife who appreciates these brunches much more than me. The food was very good and the choices plentiful even for my finicky palate. We had a great leisurely brunch and everyone had a wonderful time. I am so blessed to surrounded by such incredible people.

Four Years from Last Wager

2009-02-28T21:18:00.000-08:00

In the category of “what a difference a year makes” yesterday compared to one year ago was significantly different. One year ago I was released back into the free world and spent most of that day getting my bearings down. Yesterday one year into the free world I had a very busy day at work but it was a wonderful day indeed. I went for my usual morning run and since I was headed to Colorado for the weekend I did a little more than usual. The workout was followed by me going into the office to get some things done. I had hoped to venture out of the office to see a very good friend but I could only breakaway for a few minutes in order for me to get a haircut. I had been long overdue for a haircut since my last one was Christmas Eve. My wife kept telling me I needed to get a haircut but I couldn’t find the time. Finally I decided to take the 30 minutes and go down the street to my barber where I got my haircut. These are the simple things of life and hopefully I will never grow to a point where I take these things for granted.

The day flew by at work and I could have stayed much longer but it was necessary for me to get home. My daughter was performing in the school’s talent show. My daughter and her friends weren’t successful in their audition; however; the teachers responsible for the talent show had asked my daughter and her friends if they wanted to perform the Star Spangled Banner at the start of the show. My daughter seemed very pleased to have been asked and she was practicing so hard this week in preparation for their debut. She wouldn’t say much about how the performance would go because she wanted us to see it for ourselves. I am so happy I had the opportunity to see her and her friend perform last night. I was pleasantly surprised how well the performance went and the fact that they actually sang the National Anthem I was very impressed.

The National Anthem is a very difficult song to perform and my daughter and her friend did a fantastic job. They didn’t miss any words and as they completed my daughter had her big bright beautiful smile on her face full of pride. I too had a big smile on my face knowing my daughter is an amazing and talented person. I wouldn’t say she is ready for American Idol but for an 11 year old in front of audience she did very well. We stayed to see a few acts in the show and there was some talent on display. My daughter wanted to stay for her curtain call but my wife and I had to leave in order to prepare for the very busy weekend.

I was headed to Colorado and my wife was headed to the ball fields for opening day. I did go back to pick up my daughter and to see the curtain call. She was still beaming with pride and energy at the end of the show and I gave her a big hug when I saw her. It was a great day and culminated with a great evening performance. We drove back home where I finished packing for the weekend and everyone was in bed early.

I had to wake up very early this morning in order to make it to the airport. Fortunately I have a very good friend who lives near the airport and I was leaving my car with this dear friend so I could save on the parking fees. I was out of bed well before dawn and on the road to the airport. My family had a few more hours of sleep remaining before their very busy day and I kissed everyone good-bye. I did have mixed feelings as I departed because I love my family so much and I love these types of days. Additionally I knew a big burden was placed on my wife’s shoulders (once again!) with all the running around she needed to do today. However; this was a special trip to Colorado to not only see my sister who is turning 40 but my mother and other sister who both flew to Colorado from New Jersey for this special occasion. My wife would do a great job as she always does and I knew my family was in her great care.

I made it to the airport right on time and everything went well as I boarded the airplane. The flight to Denver was without incident but it was a very full flight which is certainly the norm nowadays. Gone are the days of half full flights and I was near a couple of babies and a couple of toddlers. The babies were typical as they were fussy on takeoff and landing but when we were in the air they were great. The toddler behind me kept kicking my seat but I didn’t say anything because I could hear the father saying, “Stop that” constantly. It is just part of air travel and having two children myself I fully understood the father’s predicament.

The flight landed on time and I met my two sisters and mother outside the terminal as their flight was actually early. All the planning worked out perfectly and we were headed to my sister’s house for a great weekend. It was my nephew’s birthday yesterday and he was having a birthday party this afternoon. I went with everyone to the very nice birthday party and I was impressed as to how well behaved the children were all throughout the party. The affair was indeed very nice and the day moved along well.

Tonight my mother and I met a very dear friend at my favorite restaurant franchise P.F. Chang’s. We had a wonderful time the entire evening. The food and most certainly the company were great. I had hoped to meet with my sponsor as well but a prior very important commitment kept my sponsor away. It is really unbelievable how much Gamblers Anonymous continues to touch my life. The friendship I have with this dear friend started through the GA Program and continue to grow and grow through the GA Program. We talked about recovery which is always a great subject and yes, my life is enriched because of recovery. This was a wonderful day and I am so fortunate and blessed to be experiencing all this wonderment.

One Year Removed

2009-02-27T23:28:00.000-08:00

My son’s practice was over and we headed over to my daughter’s practice. I did have to make a few calls as I made the short drive over to my daughter’s practice field. I spoke with two very dear friends who seem to be at different ends of the spectrum. One friend is loving life and does embrace each and every day where the other friend wishes the day would disappear as life hasn’t been so kind lately. However; they both have very vibrant spirits and I have confidence that the friend who is doing so well right now will be great very soon. I had to stop and think about the “Law of Attraction” because on the surface these two friends are very different in many aspects to each other and also to me. However; upon further inspection it is all about what is underneath this human skin and they are both good souls and good people. That I believe is the “attraction” and I am so fortunate and grateful to have them in my life.

I made it over to my daughter’s practice and she was waiting for us. She was very happy to have received her uniform for the season and seemed to relish in the fact that the number on her jersey was 31. I am not sure what the connection was but it seemed to have to do with the fact that she was number 32 in the fall and now she is number 31 which means she is not the smallest player on her team. She is certainly not the smallest player on her team as the girls seem much younger this season as opposed to the fall. My daughter is the elder statesman of the team at the ripe old age of 11 and some of the girls are as young as 8 years old. I do think in terms of a team it could be a long season for the “Mighty Bombers’ but I am sure as the season progresses the girls will develop and some surprises will arise. For now my daughter seems very happy with being the starting shortstop and at the prospect of pitching a few innings.

We arrived home to see that my wife had picked up dinner as she came home from work. As hectic as the week might be will always seem to have the time to sit as a family for dinner. The dinner may have only been burritos but the fact that we were all together at the table as a family without any distractions meant a great deal to me. These are quality times and yes, the quantity of time might not have been that longs as the children had homework to do and I had to go see a dear friend but that few minutes was the highlight of my day.

Dinner was over and I went over to a very good friend’s house. This friend has faced some very difficult times as a late and all I could do was lend an ear. We talked or my like my friend talked and I listened very intently. I continue to learn that there is a “process” for most everything in this world and that “process” takes time. I know in my own situation it took me years to finally succumb to the fact that I am and I will always be a compulsive gambler. This continues to be accomplished through recovery and I realize without recovery my life ceases to exist. I can never force anyone into something a person is not willing to do as was the case with myself over the years. I had the warning signs and I had people tell me what I needed to do but I chose my own path. That path led me to places I never thought I would have ever been; however; it continues to work out for the very best. I can only hope that this will be the case for people who make the necessary changes to recover.

The conversation went very well and it seems a new direction was forged. Hopefully this new direction will lead to a great things and I think this will be the case. As I drove home I thought how incredible my life has been not only over this past year but since I entered recovery. Yes, last year I was preparing for my release and now one year later (exactly today) I am so happy to the way everything has turned out. Yes, it is not only incredible but I do believe there has been a Plan in place for a very long time I just finally woke up and realized I needed to let things go. As I let things go my life continues to get better and I am surrounded by wonderful people and wonderful things.

I woke up this morning and the first thought I had was yes, it has been one year since I walked out of that fire camp. I really didn’t know what to expect over this past year I only had some hopes. Well all my hopes have been surpassed as this past year moved along. I was able to meet my family in New Jersey and drive back to California as a family. This did mean the world to mean and being an entire family for the first time in two years has been incredible. I love my wife more and more each day and my children are my idols. I don’t know what I have done to deserve all the incredible people in my life but I am not about to turn back on such great things. I am blessed and so grateful to have this second chance and yes, one year later each day is a blessing.

"Process" Can be Confusing

2009-02-26T22:26:00.000-08:00

The evenings seem to go even faster than the days. I don’t know where the evenings have gone over this past week. Monday was a whirlwind, Tuesday much of the same and last night I can barely remember what happened. I do know it beyond fantastic to be with my family at the end of the day even for those few hours. The children are doing exceptionally well and I am watching my 11 year old mature before my very own eyes. My daughter is still rather small for her age especially compared to her friends but her features are maturing. Yes, in less than two years she will be an official teenager but I hope she will always be my “little girl”. This is another example of the power that time has in this world. It seems like just yesterday we were introduced as I gazed into her big beautiful eyes for the first time and my heart has never been the same since. Now 11 years later she is turning into a beautiful young woman. I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t mention that she does have her “moments” where my wife and I both yearn for those tender years but I so happy how well she is developing mentally.

The credit goes to my wife for keeping things “normal” in a very abnormal period those two years and the transition back to our complete family life has been seamless. I am fortunate and it is those small moments where I watch my daughter doing her homework at the kitchen table and just smile knowing how well things are. Nearly four years ago I pulled the rug out from my family but now four years later that rug has been reinstalled and it is a much nicer plusher version fully installed and hopefully not going anywhere! It is so cool to just to be an observer and also to know in spite of being labeled the “mean” Dad both my children want to be with me. My daughter in spite of her nearing teenager status constantly wants me to pick her up and hold her which I find totally wonderful. My son is most times at my side when he stops his activities and yes, my family is incredible.

This morning I decided to take the day off from working out because I was a little tired. My son’s has developed the habit of sleepwalking over the past few months and since I am such a light sleeper I am usually awaken with his nocturnal activity. The other night my wife discovered that my son had gone downstairs while sleepwalking which is fairly scary but he only went downstairs for a minute and came back up where my wife guided him back to his bedroom. I have witnessed this as well as my son goes downstairs but comes right back up all while he is sleeping. Last night in the wee hours of the morning I was startled to see my son standing at the foot of our bed. He wasn’t doing anything other than just standing there and yes, he was asleep so I just guided him back to his bedroom where he went back to bed. As I went back to our bedroom I heard the bathroom door open and close several times and I discovered that my son got out of bed to use the bathroom. After a few minutes he finally went back to his bed and fell into a deep sleep with no more sleep walking activity.

I do have a difficult time getting back to sleep when I am awakened in the middle of the night. I basically stayed awake for at least another hour so when my usual wake up time came I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed and beside I find I do need a day of rest after my intense workout session. This also gave me more rest but also allowed me to get to the office early. I needed to get to the office early because Thursdays are the whirlwind days just like Mondays with my wife going to her work. Today was especially busy because not only did my daughter have softball practice my son had baseball practice. The practice sessions weren’t exactly near one another and with the afternoon start time I had to give myself enough time to get them to both practices in time. This made the day go even faster and after putting out “fires” all morning I looked at my watch and realized I had just one more hour until I had to go leaver the office.

Yes, the day was over in an instant and as I departed the office I did wander what I got accomplished but the thoughts of the office vanished as I went home and saw my children. They were ready to go and after I made a quick change of my work clothes we were headed off to their practices. I got my daughter to her practice in plenty of time and from there I went with my son to his practice. I didn’t think I would be helping out with my son’s team this season but one of the coaches had quit so I volunteered my services. I do like this much better as I was involved with the practice helping the boys throw and catch. There are difficult skill levels on the team and some boys are more advanced than others but it is great to see it when the boy who isn’t as accomplished as others grasps a concept and when they received a compliment to see the smiles on their faces. I didn’t think of work at all as I spent the 90 minutes at my son’s practice and I am so happy to help anyway I can.

Prophetic Page 17

2009-02-25T22:25:00.000-08:00

Page 17 of the Gamblers Anonymous Combo Book now has 8 entries and the last entry continues to resonate loudly with me. “…..The days and weeks will pass soon enough….” Are such prophetic words because as I reach one year from my release and four years from my abstinent date these days continue to accelerate in warp speed; I remember having a high school teacher talk about how the years go by so much quicker as we age. The example was with simple math stating that one year in the life of a one year old is 100% of that person’s life whereas as one year in the life of a 60 year old is only 1/60th of that person’s life. I am sure I understand the mathematical concept when I first heard this over 25 years ago but never fully understand the personal meaning until recently. Prior to entering recovering I didn’t value time I just bided my time. Of course I had to “do” the time; however; fortunately for me because of recovery instead of doing the time I continue to make the best of that time. This is very important because it gives value and substance to my life and of course I am eternally grateful.

In this vane here it is Wednesday already and these days are flying by. I spent a full day at work yesterday because it was my wife’s turn to take my son to his baseball practice and I am enjoying my new position very much. I am sort of a “jack of all trades” which means I master none of those trades!! In my previous position I did what I was told and this does continue but there are many other aspects of this position that only I must do what I am told I must do what I tell myself. It is so wonderful to have been given a second chance in every facet of my life and once again all thanks to recovery it is my full intention to make the very best of this second chance.

This morning I was back in the gym and yes, it was the day for the high intensity workout. These workouts aren’t as intense in my most recent marathon training session but still very effective. I seem to revel in the high intensity workouts and this goes back to when I first started working out regularly over 20 years ago. When I started working out I would hammer away at the Stairmaster and would be a sweaty mess when I was finished. Over the years I changed from the Stairmaster to the bicycle and then 7 years ago I started running regularly. I am still that same sweaty mess when I finish my workout that I was when I first started and I seem to want the sweaty mess even more as I get older. I have realized over the past few years that I can accomplish more in less time and it isn’t about the duration but about the quality of the workout. This transcends into my life because it is all about quality and lately I need to remind myself as the demands of life accumulate. I am blessed and I must never lose sight of these blessing for fear of making those horrible mistakes of my past.

There weren’t any mistakes this morning as I had my shortest workout of the week but the most intense. I had more sweat in such a short period of time and something interesting is starting to happen as I move forward in my new daily routine. As I wake up I really don’t want to go to the gym but would rather stay in bed but after a few minutes I drag myself out of bed. I get myself dressed and out the door. Even as I warm-up I am not really into exercising but after 10 minutes I get into a rhythm and when I am finished I feel great. This has happened everyday this week and today was no exception. I felt great and had a big smile on my face as I headed to the showers a drippy sweaty mess this morning. I am one fortunate soul and love everything about my life.

As the workout was complete and I cleaned up; I headed off to work for another fun filled day. The three tasks I set for myself continue to be a challenge as the other issues arise but thankfully at the end of the day I do feel like I have accomplished most of the those three things. Today I had to get the official word on whether or not I would be allowed to go to Colorado this weekend. This was just a mere formality but as things go the more things that change the more they stay the same. I didn’t receive a runaround the “formality” took a little longer than I expected; however; much to my surprise everything was completed without a visit to my “favorite” office. Conceivably this would be my last request as my parole ends next month. This wasn’t a problem and my how things have changed over the last year. What I thought would happen has happened it just took a little longer. I heard the horror stories but knew as long as I continue doing the right things I wouldn’t have any problems and this is exactly how it has all transpired. I am now officially allowed to see my family this weekend in Colorado.

Benefits in Recovery

2009-02-24T21:51:00.000-08:00

I did feel like I was traveling a 1,000 miles an hour as I raced from work to home to where my wife works in order to pick up my daughter’s softball equipment to the softball field then back home and then finally off to the Gamblers Anonymous meeting. This was a whirlwind but in between at my daughter’s softball practice I sat with my son and helped him with his homework. This was certainly the best use of both of our time and also did help to pass the time productively. I did have one eye on the practice since my daughter’s team had a scrimmage with another team. It appears that my daughter’s team has some work to do prior to their first game on Saturday because it could be another long season.

My daughter (in my “unbiased” opinion!) is one of the better if not the best player on her team. She is one of the oldest players on her team at age 11 in the 10 and under league. The cutoff for being 10 was January 1st so my daughter was able to play in this particular league. This is a good thing for her because had she moved up to the 12 and under league she would have been one of the smallest players in the league. Now she in spite of her advanced age is somewhere in the middle of the pack with her diminutive height but her softball skills are well ahead of the girls that are just moving up from the 8 and under league. I think she is going to have a good season and if she continues to practice her pitching she could have an outstanding season. She is quite skilled with her bat and if the opposing pitchers are able to throw her strikes she will get many hits. I don’t have very high expectations for her team because there are many very little girls who are just grasping the concepts of softball. In any event I do hope my daughter continues to have fun.

She certainly had fun out there yesterday during the scrimmage and afterwards as the entire team practiced sliding. I hadn’t seen that much energy in my daughter in such a long time. She was having a good old time in the field and running the bases. This was very exciting to witness and yes, I am so thankful to be able to witness this excitement and I also was able to spend some quality time with my son. We not only worked on his homework together we also played catch afterward having a good time ourselves. I do remember speaking with a very good friend a few years back whose children are a few years older than mine and this friend told me what a joy it was as his children got older. I can see why because the older they get the more satisfying the time seems; this could change as they enter the teenage years but I will savor every moment right now.

The practice ended and I headed home only to go right out to the Speaker’s meeting. It was a very good meeting with two new members in attendance. The Speaker’s meeting is different from the four other meetings in our area. The Speaker’s Meeting is limited to one hour and most everything is abbreviated with the exception of giving the speaker the bulk of the meeting time. I did my best to make the two new members comfortable because I can still vividly remember my first meeting where everything in my life seemed to be swirling in my head. I had several other members come up to me and do their best to make me feel comfortable so I try to do this when there is a new member in the room.

The speaker was very good and I continue to be amazed how well most people who embrace the GA program grow. This particular recently celebrated their 1st birthday with Gamblers Anonymous and I can remember those early meetings. The growth has been tremendous and once again the speaker’s meeting provided great insight into this member. I do hope the new members started to understand the huge benefits of the program and will come back for a second meeting. I am always happy to have attended a meeting and last night was no exception.

The whirlwind afternoon and evening came to an end as I came home last night. I did pretty much “collapsed” when I went to sleep last night and this morning I was awake at the very early morning ready to do it all over again. I was off to the gym and got in a very good workout then it was off to the office. There was a “déjà vu” moment that occurred during the day except this moment unlike the first moment wasn’t filled with angst. Thankfully the angst is something of the past and something recovery has helped me with tremendously. I noticed others in the office were stressing about what was transpiring but I went about my business very calmly. I’m not sure where this will all go but I do know this is so much better than the first moment because everything has changed in my life for the better.

Whirlwind of a Day

2009-02-23T21:58:00.000-08:00

My wife asked me if I were going to my meeting last night and although I do my best to regularly attend the Sunday Gamblers Anonymous meeting I told her I was not going. I was not going because tonight would be the Monday Speaker’s Gamblers Anonymous meeting and since it is the 4th Monday of the month it is my turn to Secretary. When I committed to the 6th month term back in December I had forgotten about my children’s softball and baseball activities so I am very thankful to only have 2 meetings per month where I am the Secretary; really anything more would offset that balance I am attempting to reach. Yes, since I was the Secretary tonight I stayed home with my family last night as we watch the Academy Awards.

I was interested in the first 30 minutes but ended on the telephone most of the evening. I continued to be blessed with wonderful friends and I was on the phone with these wonderful friends last night. It is fairly amazing to me that each of these friends was more than a stranger four years ago and two of these friends were strangers less than 2 years ago. Life is magical and I am so grateful for every moment in my life.

Last night I went from conversation to conversation and each was different in every way but all were very good. I spoke with my sponsor and we are back to our weekly conversations. I had hoped to see my sponsor next weekend when I am in Colorado visiting my sister for her 40th birthday but we couldn’t coordinate a convenient time since I am only there for 48 hours. It would have been great to see my sponsor but I am seeing another dear friend who has a very close association with my sponsor. I am looking forward to seeing this dear friend and these connections I continue to make in recovery are extraordinary.

Another conversation I had was with a very dear friend and life is certainly smiling on this friend. Interesting enough I had an earlier conversation with another dear friend where life isn’t being exactly very kind. I spoke with this friend for over an hour and all I could do was to listen. I didn’t have any pearls of wisdom or much of anything to offer other than my ears. I do always hope for the best in my life and in the lives of my dear friends. I know I cannot control anyone other than myself but it is sometimes difficult hearing the tragic stories of my dear friend. I know things will get better but for now all I could do is listen and hope I did some good.

I was very happy to see that the only movie I had seen won the Academy Award for Best Picture; “Slumdog Millionaire.” This was a very good movie and seeing all the characters on stage was very heartwarming but other than that moment I found the production very long. It was somewhat entertaining however I think the entire show can be accomplished in 15 minutes. I am sure the production company nor the networks want a show that only lasts 15 minutes but who knows now that the world is cutting back maybe the long drawn out shows won’t be so long and drawn out.

This morning was the beginning of the work week and just like my previous position with my company I never know what the day will bring. Today I had no idea what would happen and once again I was not disappointed. Before my actual workday commenced I was at the gym very early this morning getting in a workout. I was gearing for a marathon at the end of April but this marathon is actually on a Saturday and having received both my son’s and daughter’s schedules there is a conflict. Both my son and daughter have games. My daughter’s game is well into the afternoon so that isn’t a conflict but my son’s game is in the morning. I would love to have my family at the finish line but I don’t want my son to miss his game. He has missed games in the past and I am leaning to being a bit selfish by competing in the marathon while he misses his game. I have two months to figure it out and for now I will continue training for that particular marathon.

After the very good workout I was headed into work and I swear these days are on warp speed. Yes, I had no idea what the day would bring and yes, I was not disappointed. I have a very “interesting” position and having such a good working relationship with my bosses certainly helps as well. The day passes by and I do wonder if I accomplish those three goals I set for myself in the morning. Sometimes (such as today) those three goals grow into more and thankfully when the dust settles at the end of the day I have something accomplished.

The dust did settle very quickly because today was my wife’s first day in her new job. This meant it was my turn to take my daughter to her softball practice after school. I was able to get out of the office in time to take my daughter to her practice but I forgot to plan properly. Her softball equipment was in my wife’s car so we had to make a detour to my wife’s new office to pick up the equipment. Thankfully it wasn’t too far out of the way and my daughter was only a few minutes late for her practice. I’m not sure where the time went when I left the office to the time I got home from the Monday Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s meeting, this had to be the fastest 4 hour block in history!!

Super "Date" Night

2009-02-22T22:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, my wife and I had a “date” night last night. Our daughter was invited to a sleepover birthday party and my wife made arrangements for my son to go over to a friend’s house for the evening. He wasn’t scheduled to sleepover but later on in the evening my wife received a phone call asking if our son could stay the night. This meant we were kid-less for the next 15 hours. We did take advantage with an adult date night for the first time in awhile. Our Valentines’ Day didn’t exactly turn out how either one of us would have like but last night did make up for Valentines’ Day.

We decided to take in a movie and we were trying to coordinate a dinner and a movie and being able to pick up our son at a reasonable time. However; when we received the news he would be spending the night there was no need to rush. We went to see “Slumdog Millionaire” to see what all the hype was about. My wife always wants to see all the movies nominated for the Best Picture but I don’t know when the last year she actually accomplished this was. We haven’t seen any of the movies nominated for Best Picture and I was surprised most of those movies weren’t showing at our local movie theaters. “Slumdog Millionaire” was showing and of all the movies this one piqued my interest the most. Another movie we were thinking about seeing “The Wrestler” but we did decide on “Slumdog Millionaire”.

I was not disappointed in the movie and this was one of the best movies I have seen in a very long time. I thought everything about the movie was excellent from the cinematography to the acting. I also thought the storyline was very intriguing and I am not sure how any could NOT like this movie. Yes, there were some difficult seems but there were some uplifting scenes. I was captivated in the first 30 minutes where the slums of Mumbai were featured and I thank God I live in the United States. Yes, I know the economy is tanking and there is so much uncertainty in this world but living in the United States is a privilege an honor compared to those slums. India may not consider itself a third world country but in this film I couldn’t help but to think of it as a third world country. Yes, I was very impressed with the movie and I can see why it was selected as the film of the year.

My wife did like the movie but I don’t believe she liked the movie as much as I did. I think her expectations were a little too high and the film didn’t meet those expectations. I expected the movie to be good and those expectations were met and then some. We talked about the movie while we had a very nice dinner at a nearby restaurant. Our local mall is putting in a P.F. Changs which won’t be open for at least another month. I have written about this restaurant before and it was funny because my boss was telling me the other day that he doesn’t like P.F. Changs; I guess different strokes for different folks. I like P.F. Changs because I actually have an option which doesn’t really happen too often. Last night we went to the California Pizza Kitchen and had a very nice appetizer of hummus followed by some pizza.

The evening was wonderful it was equally as wonderful to be with just my wife for the evening. We don’t get to do this often enough and I have heard that married couples need to schedule a date night to keep the marriage fresh. I can see why “date” night does help to keep things fresh and hopefully we can do this at least once a month as we go forward. My wife is a great person and we don’t have that alone time to discuss just us, everything seems to center on the children but in a few years (I know this is down the road but as fast as time goes that time will pass very quickly) it will be just us again. I do love my wife tremendously and spending an evening and a little part of this morning was a wonderful medicine.

We even snuck in some frozen yogurt from our favorite self serve yogurt place on our way home. As we came home instead of retiring to bed we watched the last installment of “Heroes” and I have no idea of what to make or this program. This capped off a wonderful evening and this morning with no children in the house we “slept in” and continued our ritual of watching the CBS “Sunday Morning” program. This was a wonderful start to a very relaxing day at home. Tomorrow my wife starts her new job and I start running here and there with the children. My daughter has softball practice and thankfully I do have flexibility at work so I can run my daughter to softball practice on Mondays and Thursdays. My wife did this for almost two years so in the next few months it will be my pleasure to be “Softball Dad”.

Action Packed Saturdays

2009-02-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

The joys of Saturdays during the baseball and softball seasons; the fun commences today and runs for the next few months. I do need to find another gym that opens earlier than the gym I am currently attended because these Saturdays are packed filled with the children’s activities. This morning I had enough time for the workout before all the activities. I was out the door as everyone was still sleeping as I headed to the gym. I had a great workout and this was the first “official” run of the new marathon training regime.

I had a 14 mile run that I ran the first 7 miles much slower than the last 7 miles. This is something I intend on doing all throughout the training program because it was those ladder stages where I failed to “finish” the race. Yes, it was only a 14 mile run and there are times where I wonder how I have finished all those marathons but today was one of those good days. I was humming along and that “rhythm” was there all throughout the run.

I returned home and since my son and daughter had practice at the same time my wife took my daughter while I took my son. This was the routine in the fall as I helped coach my son’s baseball team. I had hoped to help out with my daughter’s team but as I mentioned before her team is well stocked with coaches so I went with my son to his practice. I thought I would help out with his team but his team is also well stocked with coaches. I’m not sure if I liked the fact of just being a spectator but with my new position it would be very difficult for me to be at the practices during the week. It only makes sense for the coaches who volunteered to take the lead while I learn how to be a spectator.

I was a spectator for the practice and I was quite impressed with the practice. The coaches had the boys engaged the entire time and from what I saw there are kids who know what they are doing. The coach was hitting ground balls to the boys and these weren’t easy ground balls and player after player came up with the ground balls. This was very cool and it should be a very exciting season. My son did don the catcher’s gear and he helped warm up the players who wanted to try their hand at pitching. He caught the five players and my son had his own assessment of those players telling me that two of them were “really good!” This is his first season catching for a regular pitcher as opposed to the pitching machine. He seems to like the kid pitch since the kids don’t throw as hard as the machine. My son did very well and he is still excited to be a catcher.

The practice was over but my son’s day on the field wasn’t over. He went from the baseball diamond to the football field for his last game of the flag football game of the season. The season has been cut short with all the rain we have had over the past month. There is one more official game next Saturday but that is opening day for the baseball season. He will be at the opening day and unfortunately I won’t be in attendance as I will be in Colorado visiting with my sister as she celebrates her 40th birthday along with seeing my mother and older sister. I am happy to be going next weekend but sad to miss opening day for both my daughter and son’s teams. I do know that there will be many more games over the next few months and my sister only turns 40 once. It will be a great weekend all around and today was a great start to the weekend.

My son’s football game didn’t go too well for his team. My son made a few nice plays but didn’t score any touchdowns. His team only scored one touchdown and has had a tough season. My son does love running around and I know he wanted to score another touchdown. This will have to wait until next year as he turns his sights on baseball. The football game was winding down as my wife and daughter arrived after my daughter’s softball practice. She had a good practice and the busy Saturday on the fields was coming to an end. The rest of the day was filled with relaxation and a “date” for my wife and me. The “date” night was great and I will write more on that tomorrow.

More "Angry" Dad

2009-02-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

Today is the “official” end of the work week and I wouldn’t be completely truthful if I didn’t say I was looking forward to Friday. I am very ready for Friday and this week has gone by so quickly like one of those proverbial “blinks of an eye”. This new routine does add to the quickness of the week and much like all the other jobs I have had in my career there is rhythm of the week. The week builds slowly and hits its crescendo on Thursday while Friday is sort of anticlimactic. Yes, the week hit that crescendo yesterday and today was one of those days where the week needed to end. Before all the “fun” transpired I was in the gym very early and I felt great having taken yesterday off. I wish I would know when I would feel great while running as well as knowing when I don’t feel great. Today was one of those days where I felt great and could have run forever.

I like days like today where running is effortless and even though it was only a 7 mile run I did feel good. The positive side for me is the fact that in spite of feeling good I stayed with my training program only running the 7 miles. I have my sights set on another marathon and that next marathon is all predicated on my children’s softball and baseball schedules. Life is truly wonderful when I want to schedule around my children’s activities. This is a great change in my life all thanks to recovery. I used to think about myself first but thankfully those days are in the past and having my family with me means everything. Yes, all is coming together quite nicely and if I ever complain about anything I need to be reprimanded!!!

The day went along and I was hoping to care of some personal matters during the day but I didn’t quite get to those personal matters. These will have to wait until next week because I was tending to work matters. It seems in the past there was more time in the day I know that is not the case which is why I need to be more efficient. I have always been into efficiency but that really has been only in “theory”. My practice of this hasn’t been so good and it is something I certainly need to work on. There are distractions everyday and having those goals I set for myself each day does help. I need to stay consistent with this approach and will continue one day at a time.

The day was over and so was the work week. I arrived home and had a very funny conversation with my son. We were talking about one of his friends and the prospect of my son going over to this friend’s house. My son asked me (I’m not quite sure where the question came from) if this friend’s father was “angry” like me. I thought that was a peculiar and funny question. I never thought of myself as an “angry” but apparently my son does! I thought about it awhile and realized I do have a stern side that can be misconstrued as angry especially to an 8 year old.

We then talked about my angry and how my son and my daughter are “afraid” of me. I don’t want this to come across wrong because when they say they are “afraid” of me I believe they aren’t really afraid in the sense of being scared of me rather they are afraid to hear my “scary” voice. I have always used voice inflection with my children and it usually gets my point across. I really don’t mind the fact that they are “afraid” of me because the fact that they are saying this to me means something. I am fairly certain I got this from both of my parents who do have those stern moments over my childhood. My mother was a schoolteacher for over 34 years and I remember visiting her classroom and witnessing these stern moments often. My father never yelled but when he was upset it was very clear. I have taken the best of both of them and hopefully it is working with my children.

I did think it was very funny to have this conversation with my son and a few minutes with my daughter. She agreed with her brother’s assessment of me and I guess when they stop being afraid of me is when the problems will start. I do hope to keep the lines of communication open with both my children and as they get older (my goodness my daughter is now 11 years old) I know this will become increasingly difficult. They are very good children and it is a pleasure watching them grow and I love those “interesting” conversations. I am blessed and I love them so very much!

Complicated is OK

2009-02-19T21:37:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about when I should take my day off from the gym; the training program suggests Fridays but I have been thinking about switching this to Thursday. This is what I did this morning as I turned off the alarm before it went off and yes; I seem to do this every morning as my body wakes up naturally well before the alarm is set to go off. I was tired and I also reaped the benefit of my son’s early morning arrival. This is so cool as he climbs between my wife and me and snuggles for an hour. He is so loveable and I do miss his arrivals. I do have the honor of his presence once during the week and once on the weekends. I don’t know how long this will last and it is imperative for me to enjoy it for as long as it lasts; and this morning was very enjoyable.

My daughter was awake very early this morning as her incentive was to study for test she had later today. Of course with an incentive she was awake well before she nearly does. She is sometimes a conundrum of sorts because most days dragging her out of bed is the norm than there are days such as today where she is awake and ready go without any incident whatsoever. She is well aware of these facts yet the conundrum will continue most likely tomorrow when there isn’t any incentive. It was wonderful seeing her awake, all studied and ready to go. I even prepared her breakfast as I was departing for the office.

This was a very good morning and my body did welcome the day of rest. Next week my wife will be working on Monday and Thursday so those days will be a bit more complicated. My daughter has softball practice on those days so it is my responsibility to get her to practice on those days. It really is only next week since her games commence the following week and our schedules will adjust accordingly. I did have a fleeting thought early in the week that my wife shouldn’t start her new job but that isn’t fair and I need to pick up the slack. My wife has done an incredible job over the past few years balancing everything all by herself and the least I can do is ensure I depart work on the days my daughter needs to get to softball practice or a game.

I realize in the past I didn’t want to do this for fear of jeopardizing my job. I don’t believe this will jeopardize my job because I will put in the necessary time needed to perform my job properly. It really isn’t about the amount of time but the quality of the time. If I can’t get my job done and help out with my family I shouldn’t be doing my job. I do have bosses who all have families and although their children are much younger they do understand the importance of family life. If they didn’t understand this I wouldn’t be working here.

The days go by so quickly and I now set goals for myself each day. Today I was very fortunate to complete these goals in spite of the many distractions. I have a full plate of goals but thankfully in recovery the only way to live life is one day at a time and this is how I approach most anything in my life. It is so much better to achieve these goals working through a process than in the past where I was all over the place. I am no longer all over the place and more focused than I have ever been and this should translate to me being a much more productive.

This evening my daughter had softball practice and my son had baseball practice. My wife took my daughter to practice and I took my son to his very late batting cage practice. We met his new team the Padres and judging by the kids who showed up for the practice it appears to be a very good team. Most all of the kids seemed to know what they were doing so it should be an interesting season. It will also be interesting to see how the “Kid Pitch” league works since my son was on the “Machine Pitch” league last season. These are 7 and 8 year old boys who may not be the most accurate of pitchers but the rules are conducive to speed the game along. There aren’t any walks and if a batter gets four balls the Coach comes out and throws two pitches. If the batter fails to hit those two pitches he is out so it will be very interesting to see how this season transpires.

Land of "Fruits and Nuts"

2009-02-18T20:59:00.000-08:00

The weather hasn’t been so nice over the past week but today all the rain finally cleared out and it was beautiful. I didn’t get to “enjoy” much of the good weather since my new position keeps me indoors much of the day. I do have an office with several windows but there isn’t much of view as I overlook the parking lot. I must say this is a much better view than I have had most of my career. Most of my career has been in the gaming industry and there aren’t ANY windows in those buildings (yes, this is done by designed) so I do welcome the sunlight.

My day does start before the sun rises and over the past few days I have been waking up later and later. I am adjusting my morning workout routine and it is hard to imagine I used to spend three hours in the gym before going to work. I am down to two hours which is must better and I do realize that I can abbreviate my workout if the need arises. In years past I would “have to” workout for those three hours or I just wouldn’t do it. Thankfully I am not nearly as militant as the past and this is much more conducive to the “balance” I am trying to accomplish in my life.

I had a very good workout this morning and yes, since it is Wednesday this means the high intensity day. I did burn myself out during my last round of training for a marathon with the super high intensity sessions. I have scaled back and I felt so much better today than I have in the past few months. I have noticed that my hip is feeling a little “odd” and it isn’t really sore as it is uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to the point of being in pain I just notice something different. I will monitor this as the training gets more intense.

It was off to work from the gym and yes, another “adventurous” day ensued. I don’t like leaving the office for lunch so I have packed a protein bar along with an orange for lunch. I do need to get more sustenance and I will bring in my lunch from now on. Also; I was on a protein shake kick for breakfast but have stopped since I started my new position. I may bring in my “Magic Bullet” (mini blender which works wonderfully) to make the protein shake but I didn’t want to alarm the folks in the office with my “weird” ways all at once.

I do remember early on in my career starting a new job and my first day of worked there was a birthday celebration complete with birthday cake. I did take a piece of the birthday cake and I didn’t want to seem “weird” so I ate a few bites. I felt very strange after eating that cake and I would have been better off saying “no, thank you” since everyone noticed I wasn’t feeling very well after eating the cake. I am a bit strange, okay I am really strange when it comes to eating habits but I do believe a little at time in a new environment Is the best course of action.

I am very up front with my eating habits and have turned down the chicken burrito for lunch explaining my vegetarian status which isn’t so unusual in this day and age especially out here in the land of “fruits and nuts!” Speaking of fruits and nuts our esteemed legislators think the best way to overcome a humongous deficit is to tax the good people of California; my political leanings are more to the “left” as opposed to the “right” but this thinking is absurd and in my opinion (for what it is worth) this can only lead to more disastrous results. I don’t understand what they are thinking because having less money to spend is not exactly stimulating for any economy.

This evening I had a very nice email discussion with my son’s baseball coach. The rain had washed out a few of the practices and the local batting cages have been booked solid. I have become friends with someone who owns one of these batting cages and I tried to secure a reservation but could only come up with a time tomorrow well into the evening. I suggested to the coach that the team needed to get together since the first game is a week from Saturday. The coach agreed and the practice was scheduled for late in the evening tomorrow.

It appears I won’t be assisting my daughter’s softball team because they have enough assistance but I may volunteer for my son’s team of course depending on the other parent’s involvement. I have become very busy with work and as one of my bosses told me today, “welcome to management” but I do need to maintain that balance because I love being involved with my children’s lives and I know that time goes by so fast. They won’t be this age for long and yes, they will have their own lives someday but for today I will continue to do my very best.

Life What it Should Be

2009-02-17T20:39:00.000-08:00

The days are flying by and really that is an understatement. Last night I posted on Facebook my status which read “Paul is wondering how to maintain the “balance” in life”. I received many comments from my “friends” and the main theme of the comment was all the same which stated, “When you find out let me know!” It was easier to ponder my life when I was away for those 19 ½ months because life wasn’t moving fast. Now out here in the real world life does come at me fast and these are the critical times where I am grateful for recovery.

I have had several opportunities in my life to address my compulsive gambling addiction but thought I could do it my way. My way didn’t work out so well and thankfully everything continues to work out for the very best and I am finding a life without gambling is so much better than the previous life. I must say that I like being so busy there isn’t time to think about my compulsive gambling addiction but I do know that this addiction is mine for life. I must stay diligent and as life continues to move by at warp speed I am very mindful where I have come from and where I am today. My sponsor put it best when we spoke on Sunday evening; my sponsor told me I could fall face first in a pile of manure and come out smelling like a rose!! Yes, this does seem to be the case but we both agreed it is all thanks to recovery that I smell like a rose.

I have had my share of good fortune in the past and really in spite of my misdeeds my life has been surrounded with good fortune. I never really understood the good fortune and fell into a period of entitlement which ultimately led me to those horrible misdeeds. Once again thankfully recovery continues to keep me focused on today and doing the right things. As long as I continue to do the right things and as long as I continue to be positive life is wonderful. This is truly the Law of Attraction as I firmly believe (and so does my Mother!) what I send out to the universe is exactly what I get back. I sent out negative energy for a dismal two year period and I paid for my negative energy by being without my family for two years. Now positive energy is an integral part of my recovery and positive events continue to transpire.

There was some controversy last night as grandma was going to the airport for her return trip back to New Jersey. My daughter’s softball practice ran late and my son had been promised something which had to be delayed. My daughter wanted to join my wife for the drive to the airport with grandma and that looked doubtful. However; all went well as my daughter got home in time to go to the airport. However; my son had a dilemma which was rectified and he went from miserable to happy in an instant. My son is very interesting when it comes to things that are said to him and he ensures these are always carried out. Once again he did get his way and was back to his old self as the “boys” got dinner and some frozen yogurt while the “girls” went to the airport.

This morning I was back at the early morning routine. I was at the gym very early and had an excellent workout. A very good friend attends the gym at this early hour as well and I have been helping this friend with a project. There was more to do on the project and gladly told my friend that I would be available after work. It is so strange how things go full circle and this project is very interesting considering the parties involved. I am interested to see the outcome but that seems to be a ways away so in the meantime I will continue to assist in any way possible.

Work was once again very good and I am finding it difficult to accomplish even the smallest task when I get pulled in every direction. I am so grateful for this opportunity and I do get a second chance to finally function without my personal albatross my compulsive gambling addiction. I always wondered what it would be like if I didn’t have the compulsive gambling addiction consuming my life. Yes, I get that opportunity and it is amazing how much clearer my head is without all that extraneous stuff. My boss used a gambling metaphor to describe my lot in life and although the metaphor was exactly right I understood the meaning. The meaning had to do with getting that second chance and making the most of the opportunity. This is what I have hoped for and by God it is all coming true all thanks to recovery!!

Happy Birthday Dad, I love you!!

All Things Coming Together

2009-02-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

The wonderful celebration came to an end and in a flash with many members helping out the room was cleaned in no time. We had time limit on how long we could be in the room and had to be out in time for another 12 step group meeting. I was a bit concerned we would be out in time but the people who led the meeting did a great job ending the meeting on time. Our group does have a tendency to have long meetings and it isn’t surprising when a meeting goes 2 hours with only a handful in attendance. This is why it was almost remarkable to get through 52 people in 2 hours without any problems. It is part of the fellowship to help out in the meetings and this was evident in the beginning and ends of the meeting last night as many people brought food and did help in cleaning up as the meeting ended.

I made my way home after the meeting and spoke with my sponsor on the way home. My sponsor has been an integral member of our special Gamblers Anonymous group through the years and even though my sponsor no longer resides in the area his name was mentioned several times during the meeting last night. I continue to learn so much from my sponsor and he certainly has left a legacy in this area. It is always good to speak with my sponsor and because life moves so quickly we don’t speak as much as we did in the past. I do my best to make it a point to speak with him on a weekly basis but there are some weeks that go by where we don’t connect. Thankfully we connected last night and I do owe my sponsor so much as he continues to teach me the way to live life with a positive purpose through recovery.

The rest of the night went by quickly and before I realized it I was waking up to start the work week. This would be my first full week in the office and started like I ended last week as I woke up before the dawn and made my way to the gym. I have come up with a plan in running another marathon and I am putting the triathlon on the back burner. All of this is dependent on the baseball and softball schedules but if I can I would like to run that local marathon at the end of April followed by the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon one month later.

This is the most aggressive plan I have come up with ever and hopefully all goes well I will qualify for that Boston Marathon. Today was day number one of the official training program and I have scaled back my intensity for this particular marathon. I need to make some adjustments to my training program and my deficiency is in the very late stages of the 26.2 miles. I seem to fade at the same rate no matter how fast or slow I run the first 23 miles. It is those last 3 miles I need to concentrate on and this does come with training. Hopefully I can make the necessary adjustments and complete my goal in the next few months.

I had a very good workout in the morning and yes, the same faces are still in the gym. I have been going to this gym since 2001 and there aren’t many new faces since then. I did have a 19 month “hiatus” but those folks are still there and this is what I would call consistent. I found out that my current membership expires on March 14th and I am seriously considering switching gyms. I do want to start training for triathlons and this would require me attending another gym. I do have a very inexpensive renewal rate but I think it is time to move on. I am very comfortable with my current gym but I do need to step out of my comfort zone and I will move on. I only hope that I can obtain a reasonable rate when I do join the new gym.

I made my way into the office and it was quite a day. The person I am replacing was kind enough to come in and show me where things were in spite of having lost their job on Friday. This could have been very awkward but it wasn’t. This person took it very well and like most things in life did happen for a reason. This person is going back to school and the layoff did fit into their plans. There didn’t appear to be any ill feelings on their part and I certainly had no ill feelings as well. The morning was filled with how the operation function and I quickly understood I have a great deal of work ahead of me. It is so interesting how everything works out and full circle does come to mind as I approach one year after being released. Life is indeed incredible!!

Miracles and Amazement

2009-02-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

This morning was sort of the typical Sunday Morning with a bit of a twist. Since getting back on my old early morning routine I didn’t feel like sleeping in this morning. Also; coupled with the fact that our guest pooch was scratching to go outside early this morning I was awake well before everyone else in the house. I did take the pooch outside and fed him along with a “play” session. I then went inside and messed around on the computer but did decide to go back upstairs. I was able to have a very nice conversation with my wife and I was implored to watch the CBS Sunday Morning Program. After an hour of the show everyone else in the house was rising. We did make our way downstairs to start the Sunday morning breakfast ritual.

The requested meal this morning was waffles and I was happy to be the short order cook!! Grandma took the morning off and waffles were made for everyone. The children went with the plain waffles with whip cream while the adults had the waffle with strawberries and they were incredibly delicious. With breakfast finished my daughter needed to do some schoolwork and my son needed to work on his religion homework. It was fortunate for my son that there was a resident religion scholar in the house this morning as grandma assisted with the religious homework. My daughter complained about her schoolwork but after griping for awhile she did complete the work.

It was a bad week in school for my daughter as she earned her first C in math on Thursday. She is so hard on herself and has been beating herself up all weekend. She is so concerned she will be placed in the lower math class and I did my best to put those crazy thoughts to rest. She also thought I was going to yell at her for getting the C and I had to remind her that I have never yelled at her ever regarding her test scores. I know she does her best and I would be doing her a disservice if I yelled at her for that reason. Believe it or not I do yell at my daughter but it has nothing to do with test scores it has to do with her attitude toward her mother. I don’t really want to see what happens when my daughter is a fully fledged teenager because those will be real battles between mother and daughter. I will have to put on my referee uniform for those years since that will be very necessary. Anyhow my daughter is a great person and I know she will be great in both inside and outside of the classroom.

My son and I went in the backyard and had a nice game of fetch with our guest pooch. My son was so good with our guest and it is so interesting because my daughter has been campaigning for a dog yet she was nowhere to be seen. My son was more interested in the dog and has since started his own campaign for a dog. I would like to get a dog but my wife has never had a dog in her life and isn’t a dog person. Her idea of having a dog consists of keeping the dog outside all the time. I don’t really agree with this theory and would like to have the dog in the house at some point so we have a way to go in order to reach some type of compromise. My son and I will take this one day at a time and I surmise this will work out as the days go by.

The playtime with our pooch guest was over and we settled inside for a bit. My wife and grandma were out shopping for some bonding time and the rest of us were at home. I was waiting for them to return so I could attend a very special Gamblers Anonymous birthday celebrations. I say “celebrations” because there were five celebrants; two dear friends were celebrating 7 years in the program, another member 5 years, another member 2 years and the final member 1 year. I don’t remember the last time our special GA group had 5 celebrants and it was indeed very special. We had to have the meeting at a room big enough for all the attendees and I was asked to see if the meeting room at my company was available. Yes, it was available and thankfully we had enough seats for the 52 attendees.

The meeting went very well and this was so special to see the one year celebrant to the pillars of our group celebrating 7 years. The one year celebrant had several family members attend and this is so cool because the program does work miracles. In addition to the celebrants there was a brand new member in attendance. I had the opportunity to invite this person into the room because they were walking away when they saw the very large meeting. Hopefully this person will come back and experience those miracles in the program since it does change lives for the better. My life has changed for the better and even though I still have those character flaws one very big flaw continues to be corrected as I live my life with openness and honesty. This is the cornerstone of my recovery and I am forever grateful to find such an amazing program!!

Happy(?) St. Valentines' Day 2009

2009-02-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

The family has been enjoying Grandma’s visit and enjoyed their day off from school. Grandma came in on Wednesday which was my daughter’s birthday and is here until Monday. The children have off from school today and on Monday so they get to spend extra time with Grandma. They spent the bulk of yesterday shopping for their birthday presents and as any Grandma does they did get what they wanted. I came home from work to see my daughter rollerblading around the house in her new roller blades and my son to be standing on his new skateboard. They were extremely happy with their gifts and I think my daughter went to sleep in her new rollerblades!!!

The weather has not been very good this week and I think there is a conspiracy against my son and his flag football games. Last week it rained and this week it rained again cancelling his game. This took care of the conflict between my daughter’s softball practice and my son’s flag football game. My daughter did have practice but it was very early this morning which didn’t make her very happy. She didn’t want to make her way to practice since it was earlier than she normally goes to school during the week. I talked her actually I directed her that she was going to practice and she did. This was the second time I had to direct her to go to practice as was the case on Thursday.

My daughter didn’t want to go but I pointed out to her that she would be fine and would actually have a good time at practice. After practice was over she said to me in a very shy way I did have a good time at practice and I am happy I went. This does mean a great deal to me because there is a balance I try to achieve in dealing with my children. I want them to make their own decisions because soon they will be of age when they will make their own decisions but there are times where I need to exert parent authority and it is so nice when they recognize this parental authority is in their best interest.

This morning I was up very early and we are dog sitting for a very good friend. It is great to have a dog and even though my wife is certainly not a dog person she was willing to help out this friend. I took the dog outside this morning and played a little fetch before my daughter was ready to go. We were off to the batting cages for my daughter’s softball practice. It is wonderful to be back in the swing of things and I saw a couple people I have met in the past few years at the batting cages. One is the owner of the batting cages who has developed into a very good friend. The other people were parents of boy on my son’s fall baseball team who had asked me if I were coaching again this season. I told them I am not coaching my son’s team but helping out with my daughter’s softball team.

My daughter’s softball team seems to have a plethora of coaches and my involvement will be minimal; however; I did get the partners at work to agree to sponsor the softball team which is great. At least I can volunteer my company as a sponsor and if the regular scorekeeper can’t make a game I am the back-up. I may not be involved as a coach like I was with my son’s team but watching my daughter is well worth anything. She has such heart and is such a competitor. She is quite the player in spite of her diminutive stature. She can hit the ball and has a great arm. She does need practice pitching and it appears she has the right coaches to guide her in this area. It should be a very interesting spring softball season.

The practice was over and we made our way home. Since the gym doesn’t open early enough on the weekends I had to postpone my workout until after the softball practice. I did get in a workout and made a decision to run the marathon at the end of April. I do need to see the softball and baseball schedule before ultimately committing but this is what I would like to do. I had a good workout but had to cut off the last few miles because I needed to help a friend with something this afternoon. This is a very dear friend who I continue to help over a very ironic situation. This friend internalizes everything and I do hope everything works out. While I was on my way to my friend’s house I had a conversation with my wife about what we were doing the rest of the day which so happens to be St. Valentines’ Day. We had an “interesting” discussion and later on during the day we did decide the best course of action. This was the best course of action for all parties and we had a very nice family Valentines’ Day dinner at the Souplantation.

Not Afraid of Friday the 13th

2009-02-13T21:28:00.000-08:00

Whether it is the “Power of Intention” or the “Law of Attraction” I find both theories well at work in my life. I do have intentions that are sometimes deep down in my subconscious which seem to attract positive outcomes. I was a voracious reader as I served my sentence and read Dr. Wayne Dyer’s “The Power of Intention” along with Rhonda Byrnes’ “The Secret”. I enjoyed both books but seemed to get more out of the deeper “The Power of Intention”. Now I am no longer a voracious or for that matter no longer much of a reader. My reading is confined to news on the internet and the various magazines I receive. I did pick up a John Grisham book this week which is a nonfiction work and have started. I am sure I will be reading this awhile because those days where I could polish off a book in a few hours are gone and that is not a bad thing!!

My original point in that last paragraph got a bit lost so to get back on track I need to state that intentions and attractions are one in the same. My intentions attract what they are seeking and this can be good and can be bad. My misdeeds certainly attracted the bad but now in recovery and with life going so well my intentions are positive and attract those positive outcomes. I really can’t quantify how this is all happening because there are certainly “Other” forces at work. These “Other” forces can be construed as a Higher Power and yes, I do believe my Higher Power does figure in all of this both good and bad. It is easy to blame the Higher Power for the negative and for me to take credit for the positive but thankfully through recovery there is no blame nor any credit on my part; everything does point to a Reason and this is very good.

Yesterday was one of those very fast days and I got accustomed to my new position. Yes, I have missed an office in environment and for the first time in a very long time I actually share an office with one of the partners. I know in the recent past I would have hated this arranged but now I welcome this wholeheartedly. When I started my career over 20 years ago I had shared offices but as I worked my “up” the corporate ladder I didn’t have to share an office anymore. I got to a point where if there was a hint of having to share an office or being in an “open” area I would cringe. Obviously I didn’t want to be in that type of atmosphere but now thankfully the hiding and the denial are a thing of the past. It was actually very good to have someone in the office with me and having nothing to hide really does go a very long way.

This morning the new normal routine kicked in and I was out the door before the sun rose. I went to the gym for a very good workout prior to going to work and today was very much like yesterday. This is something interesting happening with the partners at work. I have a great relationship with the two managing partners and I could not have asked for better bosses. This is one minor partner who is not exactly enamored with me being in the office and I suspect this has little to do with me per se and more to do with the other partners. I have been around long enough to not take anything personally especially when it comes to business. I don’t take this personally and I have no idea where all this will lead but I do know that I will continue to do my very best and know everything will work out for the very best no matter what transpires.

I did end up staying much later than I had anticipated at the office because I was talking with my office mate who is also the managing partner of the company. It really is amazing how everything that my life is moving along and how one decision has changed my life for the better. Almost four years ago I entered the Gamblers Anonymous Program and my life has been enriched ever since. The partners in the company are not associated with the GA Program but if I didn’t enter the program I know I wouldn’t have this opportunity and God knows where I would be. I must reiterate that it is so much better to live open and honest. My core personality may not have changed over these past four years but living in the here and now with honest and openness makes life so much better.

Newest Form of Normal

2009-02-12T23:36:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure how I should start this passage because the words; “and so it begins” come to mind along with a whole host of other words. It did begin really yesterday with the day’s events and it is amazing how I never know where the week much less the day will go. Yesterday it was a day that brought my daughter to her 11th year and me potentially a new chapter in my life. When I was released from prison nearly one year ago I was extremely fortunate to have a job within three days of my release. That particular job didn’t pan out that well but has led me to where I am today. All things do happen for a reason and there is a clear sign that there is a Grand plan at work in my life. I can “connect” those “dots” but I think I have done that already so today it began very early with my new routine.

I am a creature of routines some bad and some good. The bad were very bad and now the good is excellent. I became a hostage to my bad routine in my compulsive gambling addiction and now I have been freed through recovery. I cannot understate this fact enough because no matter where my misdeeds took me I was not and I am not a bad person. I realize that there are many people who may agree and disagree with that last sentence but ultimately what anyone other than myself thinks of me is NONE of my business. I do prescribe to this theory in the positive sense because as long as my actions lead to a positive purpose I know I am on the right track.

This right track did take a turn for the even better yesterday and today was the first day of that new chapter. I admit I have been given a second chance with everything in life which starts and ends with my family. Now this second chance extends its scope even further. I had no idea if I would ever be in a similar position than I was in the past in the sense of my career. However; through recovery and again a series of very fortunate events I am back on that path. It is interesting because in the past four years ever since I entered recovery things turned into a “new normal” and this morning as I awoke before the dawn I embrace even a newer normal.

Once again I am a creature of routine and can adapt to just about any situation. I did adapt to life in prison and made the best of those 19 ½ months and I think it was all for the best. I do have an open mind all thanks to recovery and if I ever complain about anything I should be smacked in the face!! Life is so precious and is meant to be lived one moment at a time. These moments will lead to a lifetime and at the end of that lifetime there will be some regrets but as long as I stay focused in recovery there will be many more blessings than regrets. I do have many more blessings in my life than regrets and having a second chance with these blessings helps tremendously. Wow; my life is indeed incredible through and through.

This morning I started this new routine getting up in the wee hours of the morning so I can get in a workout before I go into the office. Yes, I am back in an office setting and I realized over the past few months that I do operate much better with this formal type setting. I enjoy getting up early and getting to the gym as opposed to sleeping later and having the day start later. I prefer being tired early on in the evening and falling asleep when my head hits the pillow. This routine got me through most of that 19 ½ months and over the past few months I lost that routine. Now this morning this routine is back and in full force.

I did get in a very good workout and I am still struggling with what I am going to do next in terms of either participating in a triathlon or marathon. There is a marathon at the end of April that is local and looks fairly flat with a very scenic 26.2 miles. I am seriously considering this marathon along with running the San Diego Rock n’ Roll marathon at the end of May. If I were to run the marathon at the end of marathon I would only have one month to prepare for the San Diego Rock n’ Roll marathon. I have never been that aggressive in running marathons but the San Diego marathon is a family event and hopefully I can run a 3 hour and 20 minute marathon at the end of April so I can take “easy” at the end of May while running that particular marathon. The only minor issue is that the marathon at the end of April is on a Saturday and with all the children’s activities I do need to see a schedule before I can commit. The baseball and softball schedules should come out in a few weeks and I will make my decision accordingly.

The workout was over and I was headed into the office for my first “formal” day of work. The office is very close and I have virtually no commute. The gym is 2 miles from my house and the office is 2 miles from the gym; everything is very close and convenient. I did arrive at the office and it was a very good day. I received some very good news which did take me by surprise. I do believe the “Law of Attraction” does work very well and I am very grateful.

Eleven on the 11th!!!

2009-02-11T21:26:00.000-08:00

As the date changed my daughter went from 10 years old to 11 years old. I cannot believe it has been 11 years to the day when my daughter came into this world. It does seem like yesterday when I saw her big blue beautiful eyes for the first time. That moment has forever been etched in my memory and I can still vividly see my wife’s doctor take this beautiful bundle of joy and pass her to my wife. I swear my eyes met with my daughter’s eyes when she was just seconds old and I just melted. I didn’t have a clue what unconditional love was but at that very moment I quickly learned.

I would do anything for both of my children and yes, I do hate the fact that I missed two years of their lives but today I know I am with them and I am doing my best to make the most of each and every day. I had taken my son to breakfast on his birthday three days ago and I made the same offer to my daughter. It was just my son and I on Sunday and I thought it would be great if it were just my daughter and me today. I wasn’t sure if my daughter would accept since today is a school day and she would have to wake up very early in order to go out for breakfast. I was extremely happy to hear my daughter accept and more than happy to see her this morning awake and ready to go much earlier than she wakes up on a school day. In fact my daughter even had time to shower prior to our going out to breakfast.

I greeted her in the hall and yes, it was unlike most mornings she greeted me with a wry smile. It is very apparent my daughter is more than capable to get up when she “wants” to and apparently she needs an incentive. I was very happy to provide this incentive and it was great spending the early morning with my now 11 year old daughter. My daughter chose the International House of Pancakes or more commonly known as the IHOP. This is her favorite restaurant for breakfast and unlike Denny’s on Sunday the IHOP was sparsely populated. My daughter ordered the happy face pancakes along with a hot chocolate. Yes, winter has returned to Southern California as this morning it was below freezing.

The birthday breakfast was great and we talked. I think this will become a tradition where I take out each of my children for breakfast on their birthdays as long as they are willing. My daughter was willing just as my son was willing on Sunday. Each breakfast was wonderful and it is equally as wonderful to have great conversations with my children on an individual basis. My daughter is turning into a woman and has a great head on her shoulders. She is consciousness, intelligent, beautiful, fun and overall a great kid!! I love her so much and yes, I would do anything for her. I am beyond blessed to be able to have a second chance with my family and today was one very special day.

The early morning birthday breakfast had ended and we had enough time to go home prior to my son departing for school. I did take them to school because my wife would be bringing in the birthday donuts later in the day and would walk home with them along with Grandma who was due to arrive this afternoon as well. I went about my day after dropping them off and I decided to take the day off from working out. It was a good thing I didn’t work out because I got a work out from work!! It was one of those days where one item consumed the day. I won’t go into the long drawn out story but I will say things happen for a reason and once again I saw this firsthand.

I spent the entire afternoon on the telephone trying to rectify a problem well beyond my control. The “Serenity Prayer” did come in handy and I had to express this sentiment to the partners at my company. The issue didn’t get resolved in the timely manner I had hoped but as things go everything did work out very well. I somehow got a promotion through this almost catastrophic event. The days of me working out of my home has ended and I realized a few weeks ago that I needed to go into an office for me to be efficient. I did get my “wish” and unfortunately this has come at someone else’s expense but again everything does happen for a reason and I believe everything will work out for all interested parties. It was an interesting day and the best part came early on when I was with my daughter for her birthday breakfast because life is all about family and my family is magnificent.

Problem Gambling May Rise As Economy Falls

2009-02-10T20:45:00.000-08:00

I forgot to post this article when it came out a week ago. I found it very interesting. Here it is:

Problem Gambling May Rise As Economy Falls

Layoffs, foreclosures could propel more people into addiction, experts say

By JoNel Aleccia
Health writer
msnbc.com
updated 6:08 a.m. PT, Fri., Jan. 30, 2009

The last time he bet on the Super Bowl, back in 1996, the U.S. economy was booming, unemployment was 5.6 percent and Pittsburgh was playing Dallas.
Even then, with all the odds in his favor, the longtime compulsive gambler discovered that the stakes were too high.

“I won the bet but I lost my integrity, I lost my self-respect,” said Robert G., who follows the Gamblers Anonymous support group practice of withholding his full name. “My life was a mess.”

So the 58-year-old Los Angeles marketing executive can imagine the dire times that await gamblers in the current financial climate, when there are early fears that a tumbling economy may propel more people into addiction.

“People are going to take shots who would not have taken shots,” the gambler said.
On the eve of what some regard as the peak of the gambling season — the Super Bowl and the March Madness college basketball tournament — industry experts echo that view, speculating that even as gambling revenues plummet in this economic downturn, the proportion of problem and pathological gamblers could rise.

“A whole lot more people are under stress,” said Bill Eadington, a professor of economics at the University of Nevada, Reno, and director of the Institute for the Study of Gambling and Commercial Gaming. “On that basis, I would expect we probably are seeing more problem gambling than we would under different circumstances.”

Desperate timesPeople desperate because of record layoffs, home foreclosures and failing investments may turn to gambling as a last resort, said Jeffrey Marotta, a researcher who runs a consulting business, Problem Gambling Solutions Inc. in Portland, Ore. And a fraction of those people may be more prone to problem behaviors or addiction.

“There may be a decrease in general revenues, but more problem gamblers,” he said.

That notion is hotly disputed by the American Gaming Association, a Washington, D.C. industry trade group, which notes that the proportion of problem gamblers in society has remained steady for decades, through good times and bad.

“To be honest with you, I don’t know where they’re getting that,” said Holly Thomsen, a spokeswoman for the AGA. “I don’t know that there’s any evidence. They’re making a speculation that has no basis in fact.”

2.3 million in U.S. are compulsive gamblersIn any given year, about 1 percent of American adults — or some 2.3 million people — are pathological gamblers addicted to the risk and excitement of the wager, according to Keith Whyte, executive director of the National Council on Problem Gambling in Washington, D.C.

Another 2 percent or 3 percent — between nearly 5 million and 7 million adults — have serious gambling problems, and perhaps 15 million more are at risk, exhibiting at least two recognized symptoms of problem gambling.

That rate has remained about the same since researchers first began studying problem gambling prevalence three decades ago, but there’s concern that it may be creeping up, Whyte said.
“The rate is so low, even a 50 percent rise is only a tiny fraction,” he added.

There’s no data yet to support that theory, the experts acknowledge, partly because the economic decline has been so sudden and swift. Between 2007 and 2008, revenues in the nearly $100-billion-a-year national gaming industry slumped by 5 percent to 10 percent overall, including a sharp drop last fall, when popular meccas like Las Vegas saw a 26 percent drop in October alone, said Eadington, who tracks the industry.

The decline coincided, of course, with the near-collapse of the nation’s economy, including rising unemployment, increasing home foreclosures and plummeting stock values.

But the psychology that undergirds the addiction argues in favor of an increase in the proportion of problem gamblers. For one thing, compulsive gamblers, those least able to control their urges, don’t stop gambling in a downturn.

“The pathological gambler is going to gamble always,” noted Bruce Roberts, executive director of the California Council on Problem Gambling in Anaheim, Calif.

For them, the lure is not about money, but about the rush of excitement that accompanies the action, said Whyte. “It’s not just the outcome, it’s the gamble,” he said.

'It beats everything'That is certainly true for John F., a 57-year-old recovering gambler who regularly attends a Gamblers Anonymous meeting in Fallon, Nev. He figures he lost at least $250,000 during his 35-year addiction, and many jobs, relationships and opportunities, all for a thrill that’s hard to explain.

“For me, gambling is the most pleasurable thing there is,” said the telephone company worker who also runs his own ranch. “It beats everything.”

Those whose problems fall short of compulsion might find they can’t stop gambling because of another common trait: They think they’re smart enough and skilled enough to recoup their losses — eventually.

“There are actually people who think they can be a good slot player, a good lottery player,” Roberts said.

Gambling on the Super BowlAnd there are many, many gamblers who profess skill during the biggest gambling events of the year, the Super Bowl and the basketball tournament known as March Madness.

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Last year, Super Bowl wagers in Nevada topped $92.1 million, while the month-long March Madness bets totaled about $238 million, according to the state’s gaming control board.
“We know that for a lot of sports gamblers, the Super Bowl is the chance, however much they’re down, it’s their last chance to make it up,” Whyte said.

Researchers plant to track enrollment in gambling treatment programs, calls to gambling hotlines and other sources to monitor whether problem gambling actually does rise as the downturn continues.

One measure might be a surge in attendance at Gamblers Anonymous, which logs 20,000 members in the U.S. and some 35,000 worldwide, according to a spokeswoman.

For Robert G., the group has been the key to coping with an addiction that can only be controlled, not cured. He encourages other gamblers to look up a nearby meeting and go.
“I found amazing people and my life got pretty damn good,” he said, citing a happy marriage, two kids and a successful career.

The memory of that relapse in 1996 still haunts him, but that doesn’t mean he’ll avoid Sunday’s matchup between the Steelers and the Cardinals.

“I’m rooting for Pittsburgh,” he said, “with no money.”

Are you a problem gambler?

Here are 20 common questions used to assess problem gambling behaviors. Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.

1. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
3. Did gambling affect your reputation?
4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
5. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
6. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
7. After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
8. After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
9. Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
10. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
11. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?
12. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?
13. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
14. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?
15. Have you ever gambled to escape worry, trouble, boredom or loneliness?
16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
17. Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?
19. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?
20. Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

Most compulsive gamblers answer yes to 7 of these questions.

Balancing the Good Stuff

2009-02-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

This evening was the Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s meeting which I have the honor and privilege to Secretary for the next few months. I was asked to Secretary this meeting by a very dear friend in the program and that was back in December. I was honored to be asked but what I didn’t realize at the time was the fact that the children’s activities would accelerate. Back in December there wasn’t much going on and that was the case until today. Today my daughter had her first softball practice and this will be ongoing for until June. Her practices will be on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I had promised my daughter that I would volunteer my services as coach. However; the team appears to have more than enough coaches so I have volunteered my company to be their sponsor.

It is always interesting to see people’s reactions when I tell what type of company I work for and it was equally as interesting to hear my wife say, “I hope there isn’t a problem with having your company be a sponsor for the league.” I knew exactly what she was inferring but I had a little fun because there does seem to be a misnomer with companies like ours. We are an alcohol and drug treatment facility who HELPS people deal with their addictions. We aren’t a drug dealer; we HELP people with addictions. However; when people hear drug and alcohol addiction they get all worried especially in the residential setting. Anyhow I was happy to volunteer our company and will obtain the paperwork later this week to submit.

I did go with my daughter to her first softball practice which was held indoors at the batting cages. I couldn’t stay for the entire practice since I had to make the meeting. There is a balance I am seeking and sometimes this balance is difficult to obtain. Today I was driving a little faster than I normally drive so I could get to the meeting on time. Thankfully there are dear friends who understand and were there to setup up the room prior to my almost tardy arrival.

Life is moving quickly which is wonderful and now it is vitally important for me to stay connected to the program. I still prescribe to the theory that I must be even more aware of my lifelong compulsive gambling addiction as life gets better. I had obtained this in the past because what I set out for I did obtain; however; my compulsive gambling addiction was never addressed. Thankfully my compulsive gambling addiction has been and continues to be arrested all thanks to the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I know the only way for this to continue is being connected to the program. This evening I was certainly connected to the program and enjoyed the speaker’s meeting tremendously.

The original speaker for this meeting was a very dear friend of mine but life being what it is this dear friend needed to reschedule. I was able to move up the other speakers and tonight the speaker was very good. This was a person I have known for awhile but never heard the “entire” story. Tonight everyone in attendance got the “entire” story and what a story it was. The GA Program is remarkable because I continue to witness miracles firsthand and this member had a rocky start early on in the program but it was apparent the program does work. I was so happy I was able to “balance” life today because this “balance” is amazing.

The coolest thing happened while I was at the meeting. My sister had sent a birthday gift for my children. The gift arrived today and my wife had them open the gift while I was at the meeting. The gift was opened and my daughter was so excited she actually hugged and high fived her little brother without any prompting. My sister had sent the very popular Wii game Mario Kart and obviously the two of them were extremely happy to receive the game!!!

Eight on the 8th

2009-02-08T23:00:00.000-08:00

No matter what I have gone through I still seem to hear most everything during the wee hours of the morning; yes, I am a very light sleeper and last night the little voices coming from the lounge did wake me up. It was apparent that the little voices didn’t go to sleep and were having such a good time chatting. I was faced with a bit of a dilemma; should I go out there and demand them to go to sleep or should I remain silent. I opted for remaining silent and after 30 minutes the little voices were silent but my mind was anything but. I didn’t fall back to sleep for another hour and I had many things going through my mind. I wasn’t thinking about anything important and one of those unimportant items had to do with Facebook. It seems one of the biggest messages going around on Facebook is the “25 Things about Me”. There are rules and once you have been “tagged” you are supposed to create this list of 25 things about yourself.

I was indeed tagged but haven’t submitted my list. I have read a few of my “friends” lists and it is very interesting. One of those lists came from my 18 year old niece and it was such a nice list. I still have a hard time believing she is 18 years old already and will be attending college in the fall. That notwithstanding as I read the list I realized what a great person she has turned out to be. This is a huge credit to my sister and brother-in-law who are wonderful parents. I can only hope that my daughter and son turn out like their cousin. Anyhow I may or may not complete this list in the coming days and if I do I will post it here as well.

This morning would mark my son’s 8th birthday. He spent the night at a friend’s house because it made much more sense to have him away from the 7 girls who spent the evening. I did feel a little strange not having my son wake up in our house for his birthday but I know this did faze him at all but I made a deal with him that I would pick him up early this morning and the two of us would go to breakfast. I was up early and so were those little voices and I guess there wasn’t a lot of sleeping going on during the “sleep-over”. I was out the door and made my way over to our dear friends’ house where my son spent the evening.

We were on our way to a “boys” only breakfast for my son’s birthday. I asked my son where he wanted to go and he selected Denny’s. I think this was a direct result of the Super Bowl commercial where Denny’s invited the country for a free breakfast last Tuesday. We didn’t make the free breakfast but this apparently stuck with my son so we were headed over to Denny’s. Strangely enough this was the first time we were in Denny’s and I have to say my son and I were the youngest (by far!) patrons in the establishment. This was okay with both of us and my son and I had a wonderful breakfast. We talked and it was great father and son bonding time. Wow it was so cool to be with my son on his actual birthday and much like the fact that my niece is now 18 it is amazing how fast the last 8 years have passed in my son’s life. It does seem just like yesterday that we were bringing him home from the hospital in Las Vegas and now here we were having a boy’s breakfast.

Breakfast was over and we returned home where the “sleep-over” was still going on. The noise level had diminished from last evening and it appeared most of the girls were a bit tired. My son did interact with the girls and this seemed to liven things up but the sleep-over had come to an end as the moms were picking up the girls. That would mark the end of birthday party number one and in a few hours birthday party number two would commence. Yes, birthday party number two was under way as my wife and son made their way to the bowling alley. I was a few minutes behind because I had to pick up the pizzas for the party.

We decided to go with the “no frills” bowling party because the “frills” bowling party was very expensive. Instead of going with the big package we went with a coupon and decided to provide our own food at half the cost. This is why I was behind and we did bring the pizzas into the bowling alley for the party. When I arrived the bowling session was in full force and the six boys were having a wonderful time. This party worked out great because boys of this age need something to do and being away from the house seemed like the appropriate venue. Yes, once again everything went very well and with my daughter just about falling asleep I decided to depart a few minutes earlier to take her home. It was a very good party and with that the second party had ended and my wife did a tremendous job throwing 2 parties in less than 24 hours; wow she is indeed amazing!!

Last Father-Daughter Dance for Now

2009-02-07T23:40:00.000-08:00

All of the “drama” of yesterday had come to an end as my daughter and I got ready for the Father-Daughter dance. Ever since my family returned from New Jersey my daughter has asked about this dance. The preliminary plans were established prior to Christmas and the final plans came out two weeks ago. The last father-daughter dance I attended was in 2006 when my daughter was a second grader. Yes, it has been two years and now my daughter is in her last year at the elementary school as a fifth grader. There weren’t any father-daughter dances in New Jersey while my daughter was there and thankfully the school out here has maintained the tradition.

The theme of the dance was “High School Musical III” and not being very familiar with this film I don’t really know what that means. My daughter is very familiar with this film and so is my wife. My daughter dressed “to impress” and was so adorable in her black and white polka dot dress. It was suggested to me that I should wear a suit and this is exactly what I wore. I had on my best navy blue pinstripe suit and was ready for what is most likely the last father-daughter dance. My daughter will be attending middle school next year and as far as we know there aren’t any father-daughter dances at the middle school so this would be the last. Of course I regret not has been “available” for the last two dances but I am extremely grateful to have the opportunity to attend the dance last night.

We both got ready and each of our outfits was accompanied with corsages; very beautiful corsages complete with red roses. My corsage was pinned on my suit jacket and with a little help from our dear friend my daughter’s corsage was pinned on her dress. We took pictures prior to the dance (which have been posted on Facebook) and were headed over to our dear friends’ house to pick them up to go to the dance. More pictures were taken and we were on our way to the school. The dance was held in the Multi-Purpose Room and was decorated very nicely. The music was blaring and a great time was had by all. I didn’t recognize a few of the songs but by the same token there were a few songs my daughter didn’t recognize since they were from “my era”.

The evening went by so quickly and we did have a great time indeed. After the dance we went to the local yogurt store for some self serve yogurt sundaes. This was exactly an original idea since most of the other fathers were there as well but my daughter was with her friend and met another friend there. We ate our yogurt and listened to the girls chat. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Friday evening. Yes, it was two years since the last dance but that two years went by so quickly and I really understand the value of time. Today was a very special day through and through and quite possibly the next father-daughter dance I attend would be my daughter’s wedding (oh my!!) but I don’t want to fast forward that far!!

We finally are having rain which caused my son’s flag football game to be cancelled today. This was unfortunate because my son really enjoys playing football and the season is winding down. He only has two more games remaining and with baseball season starting the days are going to get very busy. Today my wife was in full preparation mode for a birthday party weekend. My children have birthdays three days apart and this does present some logistical issues. The upside is that the celebrations are all over for the year but the downside is a very busy 24 hours. Today the preparation was for my daughter’s sleepover party for her 11th birthday. My daughter’s actual birthday is on Wednesday the 11th but tonight was the preferred day to have the party.

My wife is so consciousness about everything she does and especially when it comes to our children. She puts her heart and soul into the preparation and I am in awe of her. The house was ready not without controversy since my daughter really didn’t help her mother. A few choice words were said by me and that quelled the controversy. Everything was right on schedule and this evening six of my daughter’s friends arrived for the sleepover party. In the past I would make myself scarce but tonight I had fun just watching the girls interact. My wife had a wonderful craft for the girls as they were given picture frames to decorate and some of them were very creative in decorating the picture frames. I was the photographer and took pictures of the group to be placed in the picture frame. I was able to take the digital image and print out 7 copies for the frames. This came out great and I thought it was a wonderful idea indeed.

I was very surprised how loud 7 girls could be. I guess the whole dynamic of the “quiet young girl” changes as they approach their teenage years. I know my son and his friends are loud but to me that is to be expected from 7 and 8 year old boys but the girls were much louder. It seemed to me everyone was talking at the same time and no one was listening but they were having a great time. After the craft I picked up the pizza and the girls ate the pizza and had birthday cake a little later. It appeared sleep would not come until much later in the evening because after the cake my daughter had picked out “Grease” to watch. I thought this to be an interesting selection but the movie did seem to keep the girls interest. I had had enough and said my goodnights and went off to sleep while the girls continued to watch the movie and have a good time.

Yo-Yo Caper

2009-02-06T23:08:00.000-08:00

I have wanted to take the Friday morning “spinning” class these last two weeks. Last week I didn’t get up early enough and as it turned out the class was cancelled because the instructor was sick. This week once again I woke up a few minutes later than needed and didn’t make it; however; just like last week I created my own “spinning” session on the exercise bicycle. I have read a great deal on exercising over the years and I have my own experiences with running and cycling.

Lance Armstrong stated that running 26.2 miles was the hardest thing he had ever done after completing his first New York City Marathon a few years ago. That is a very impressive statement coming from the “fittest person on the planet” and someone who has 7 Tour de France titles. I have run 8 marathons and yes, it is grueling but I don’t know how a person can cycle over 1,000 miles in such a short time and call running 26.2 miles the hardest thing he had ever done. I guess it all goes to training and what experiences a person brings to the table.

Lance is an incredible athlete and what he has done over the years is nothing short of miraculous and not to mention awe inspiring. In my experience I would swear the bicycle is much harder than running. I should never be mentioned in the same sentence as Lance Armstrong and it still gives me goose bumps when I think about what he has accomplished. I do know my own strengths and weaknesses and riding the bicycle kicks my ass!! (Sorry about that!!) I did create my own spinning session this morning and had run out of gas halfway through my intended routine.

I had to scale way down on the intensity in that second half of the routine because there was no way I could keep up that intensity. I seem to work much harder on the bicycle than I do when I am running. My lungs were burning which rarely happens when I run. I think I can get a much higher level of an aerobic workout on the bicycle than I can when running because running is much more punishing on my body as opposed to cycling. Whatever the case I was pretty much “toast” this morning after my spinning session.

My day went well and it was a rainy cold day so I picked up our children from school. My daughter was sensible because when I picked her up she had her umbrella out and jacket on. My son wasn’t as sensible because he had his umbrella in his backpack along with his jacket so he was soaked but he didn’t seem to mind. They got in the car and I asked them how their day went. My daughter was very quiet and didn’t want to talk much. My son told me a story about he obtained a yo-yo. A little backdrop on this; this morning my son took $3.50 to purchase a yo-yo; however; the yo-yo’s cost $6.50 so I was a little perplexed how he got the yo-yo.

This is where his story comes in; he realized he didn’t have enough money to purchase the yo-yo and a fellow classmate also was short on purchasing the yo-yo. The fellow classmate gave his $5 to my son to purchase a yo-yo for him. Now this doesn’t make sense why the classmate would give the $5 to my son when my son should have given him the $1.50 to purchase the yo-yo. (More on that later.) My son takes the $5 and with his money purchases the yo-yo. He goes over to his classmate and promptly tells his classmate that he wants to keep the yo-yo so the classmate starts to cry. My son gives the yo-yo to his classmate and somehow goes back up to the place where the yo-yo’s sold and tells the very nice lady what happened. The very nice lady then gives my son $4.50 out of her own pocket so my son can purchase a yo-yo. I realize this story doesn’t make much sense and believe me it took me at least 4 times of asking my son to finally figure out everything. This wasn’t the first rendition of the story and after hearing it I had to say that doesn’t sound right and I thought my son was pulling a scam with his friend but my son was really taking advantage of a situation.

The story grows even further because after hearing the story the telephone rings and it is my son’s teacher to give us some more insight on the “yo-yo caper”. Apparently his teacher had just spoken with the other classmate’s mother and that classmate had taken the $5 without asking the mother. My son’s teacher thought my son was being honorable by giving away his yo-yo to the crying classmate but that wasn’t the case and the fact that the classmate had taken the money without permission made things worse. All in all I thought there was some type of collusion going on but that wasn’t the case it was just two children making some very bad decisions. After learning all of this my son promptly lost his yo-yo and will give $4.50 of his own money to the nice lady who gave him that money in the first place. I am fairly amazed how “creative” my son was in this matter but I wanted to teach my son a lesson that refutes the statement of “the ends justify the means.” I’m not sure he understood all of this but he no longer has the yo-yo and will have to earn that yo-yo back once it is paid for by him.

My daughter was very quiet for a reason. She along with two other friends had tried out for the school’s talent show earlier in the week. Today the list for the children who earned a spot in the talent show was posted and unfortunately my daughter along with her two friends was not on that list. My daughter showed me the note she received and started to cry. The note was very nice stating that she didn’t make it but there is always next year. That is not entirely true because next year my daughter along with her friends will be in Middle School so there won’t be the Elementary School Talent Show. I tried my best to console my daughter telling her that these are the moments that go along with making that perfect softball pitch or getting a hit at the right time. Bad things do happen in life but that makes the good things all that much better. She didn’t linger in the sadness and seemed to process the setback very well. Wow it was quite an afternoon!!

Good/"Concrete" News

2009-02-05T17:23:00.000-08:00

We did receive some very good news yesterday as my wife was offered a job. My wife has been looking for a job since she got back from New Jersey and the economy being what is this search has been very difficult. I thought she had an inside track on a few positions but this never materialized. It is interesting how things turned out because I thought she would obtain a position through contacts I have had but this was not the case. She obtained this position through my wife’s own set of contacts. She will be working for a local attorney on a part time basis. Yes, she was looking for a full time position but at this point she will take what she can get. It will be two full days a week and if things pick up the position could turn into full time. Of course that is certainly down the road and the local economy has suffered greatly with the housing down turn so we are very grateful for any position at this point in time.

My wife will start the week after next because we are receiving a visitor next week. My mother-in-law is coming over the President’s Day holiday for an extended weekend to see the children for their birthdays. My son’s birthday is on Sunday and my daughter’s birthday is on Wednesday. My mother-in-law arrives on Wednesday and will be with us through the weekend departing on Monday. I think my wife is a bit relieved to receive the position and it will be good for everyone concerned. This is something she has done in the past and very similar to a position she had in New Jersey also it is only a few minutes from the house so there is virtually no commute.

It continues to be interesting how things are working out for the very best. We are making it and I am extremely grateful to have a position in not only this economy but with my background. I do have to embrace my blessings each and every day because without recovery I know for a fact I wouldn’t have any of this. I do believe life is all about personal connections and those personal connections also bleed over to business connections. When we moved to Las Vegas I only knew a handful of people and had to start from scratch in my job search. I was able to land a job within a few months and this was done without and personal connections. From that point in time I only landed one other job without a personal connection and that job lead me to Southern California through (yes) a personal connection.

Early on in my career I didn’t fully understand the concept of networking but now having 20 plus years of business experience this is 90% of all business if not more. My wife landed her job through a personal connection so yes; it does help to “know” somebody. However; just “knowing” somebody is not a guarantee to keep the job that goes to ability. I know my wife will do very well because she is such a conscientious worker and always wants to do her best.

In comparison I may be conscientious but not to the degree my wife has; I always thought my wife to be the model employee. While I was bouncing around from job to job when we lived in Las Vegas my wife remained at the same company the entire time up until we had our son. The childcare expenses were too costly for my wife to remain working which is why she quit that job or quite possibly she could still be there. I’m sure that wouldn’t have happened but my wife does have a huge degree of loyalty and I admire her so much.

I have altered my training this week and haven’t really started a “real” training program. I have been alternating days between riding the bicycle and running. I have found the bicycle to be much more challenging than running. When I first started working out I went from the Stairmaster to the bicycle to running. I have always found the bicycle to be the most challenging and I think it gives me the best/most difficult workout. I have never really cross trained in the past so it will be interesting to see how riding the bicycle adds or subtracts to my running. It does shake up my routine and I did need some shaking up.

This morning was a running day and I did something I haven’t done in a very long time which was to run “negative splits”. Negative splits are running the second half of the run at least 30 seconds per mile faster than the first half of the run. I remember after I failed miserably on my first marathon discovering this training method which made the second marathon so much better than the first. I haven’t focused on this method since then but after reading a recent article I thought it was about time to incorporate them into my workout. This morning was a very good run and I ran the first 6 miles in 45 minutes while running the last 6 miles in 42 minutes. I was “feeling” it at the end but did feel great when I finished.

Once again my day wasn’t what I had planned since I was given another task to complete. Actually I was given two tasks and once again I had to go to my “personal” contact database to help with one of these tasks and of course I was able to complete what was given to me. The second task is more long term and it is one of those things that when it happens I will believe but for now I will continue to take it just like I take life “one step at time”!!!

Great Venue for Recovery

2009-02-04T21:52:00.000-08:00

There are days where I must marvel how far I have come in such a short period of time. This time last year I was counting down the days until my release back into the free world and today I am admiring, enjoying, taking in each and every day as I live in this free world. Today was one of those days where a feeling of serenity, peace and bliss came over me as I was actually working. The recovery center I work recently acquired another recovery center and today I had to meet the fire inspector as the first step in the licensing process. The new facility is located in one of the most desirable areas of Southern California and as I approached this became clearly evident.

I have resided in Southern California since 2001 and prior to that I spent one year attending the University of Southern California so I am not exactly a native to this area but I do know my way around. Today I was in one of the places I have driven through several times but really never took the time to take in environment. I had time today to not only take in the surroundings but to truly “be in the moment”. I made the less than hour drive without any problems since I was going after rush hour and this area has a “back way” as an alternate route. I took this “back way” and in the past I would rush to get to where I was going but not today. I kept my eyes on the road but also on the very beautiful area.

I arrived at our newly acquired facility with plenty of time to spare prior to the inspection. I spoke with one of our managers and this person was very grateful to have been transferred to the new facility. I can see why this area is very popular with many other alcohol and drug treatments facilities since it is a natural for recovery. The surrounding area is very peaceful and serene. Today was one of those extra special nice days in terms of the weather and even the air quality seemed better in this area than the air quality from 40 miles away. I guess having the Pacific Ocean a mere five miles away helped the air quality and the peacefulness of the area.

I took a tour of the facility and was very impressed; this was a very good acquisition and it will certainly aid in the recovery of many clients. The inspection could not have gone any better and it was one of those days where everything had come together. I remained at the facility talking to some of my fellow colleagues but it was time for me to return back home.

I did take the time to explore the area and within five minutes I found myself in awe as I was staring at the Pacific Ocean from a beautiful palisade. I made my way down to the beach and had to take the time to stare at the ocean. Earlier in the day I had a conversation with a person who is also in recovery and they were telling me their “Higher Power” is the ocean because it is vast and can take whatever is thrown at along with being very inspirational. I could see that this was a great choice for a “Higher Power” because as I stared at this marvel my mind was in a meditative state. This was truly inspirational and I can see why the real estate in this area is one of the highest in the nation. I watched many people jog, bicycle and walk their dogs along the beach and each person had a smile on their face. I had a very big smile on my face and had to laugh knowing where I was this time last year yearning for these moments and now these moments are a reality.

It was time to get back home and as I drove back I continued to take in the environment. I am truly blessed to be able to reside in area where nature is at its finest. I know I take this for granted because up until today I had no idea how powerful this area really was. I drove through this area a number of times in the past but never slowed down to take the time to “take” everything in. I am sure I didn’t take everything in today but this was a wonderful start. Nature is indeed powerful and earlier on in my recovery I did choose Nature as my Higher Power because in my opinion this is a creation of Higher Power and by stopping and really absorbing this Power I realize there is most certainly Higher force in effect. I am NOT this higher force although in the past I thought my mind could control anything. Thankfully that illusion has been thrown out all thanks to recovery and I am so happy to be on the right road of recovery.