Oh, That Guilt and Shame

Now it is 22 hours before the arrival of my wife for our family visit. Just wanted to provide an update. Even now and again, my subconscious makes me fully aware of what I have done. This is not to say that I am clueless to what I have done to my family and myself. However, I do my best to put the past in the past and learn from those horrible mistakes. Last night my subconscious took over and I had one those guilt and shame dreams. I can remember only bits and pieces but the theme was definitely guilt and shame. I was in an office setting with people I used to work with all through my working careers. I can remember walking down one of the corridors and thinking everyone was looking at me in shame. I ran into a few of those people I used to work with and all I could see them do is shake their heads in disgust. I’m not quite sure where or why this dream soundly cropped up. I don’t know if it has anything to do with my wife’s arrival and if I had to guess I would say it probably does. Yes, I do my best to live in the present with a very positive attitude. This is the case 98% of the time, but there are still times where that remaining 2% hits me in my subconscious mind. Thankfully, these dreams are few and far between or I would be in big trouble. I take this dream as a reminder and I will file it away. Over the course of my lifetime I have had a habit of conveniently forgetting about those previous mistakes. It would be very difficult for me to forget these past three years. However, if I weren’t in recovery, I would probably forget like I did all those other times.

Are forgiving and forgetting synonymous? I think not; however, part of forgiving is to place the past in the past. This does not mean to forget at all, it means to move forward learning everyday to be a better person. Obviously, I still have those thoughts of guilt and shame as it is in my subconscious. I do not dwell in the past and do live life one day at a time. I could analyze this dream to death and doing so wouldn’t do me any good. I suspect these dreams do pop up from time to time which does serve as a good reminder. What I have done was terrible to my family and myself. However, I have experienced so many wonderful things because of those terrible actions and I am eternally grateful. Yes, it was extremely bad but everyday it gets better and better.

Nothing really interesting happened with the exception of the meeting on how to attack staphococous. (sp?) Yes, this is a large problem in the Ca prison system but thankfully not here. It all ties in to the overcrowding issue which I have beaten to death. Of course, staph breeds in the bathrooms and I do my very best to kill all of the germs. The supplies I use need to be improved and this should happen. I will continue to do my very best in keeping the bathroom areas as clean as possible.

As I conclude, my wife will be here in 21 hours and 30 minutes!

Counting the Hours

The simplistic terms of my life continue and when I really think about my day there really isn’t much to write about. My weekdays are broken into segments; wake up, go workout, shower, go to breakfast, clean the bathrooms, have lunch, read, write or workout in the afternoon, have dinner, talk with my roommate, read or write, go to sleep – then do it all over again. There is a certain rhythm to my day and even in the sameness the days do pass soon enough. Last night I will admit I started counting the hours until my wife arrives. As I write this she will be here in less than 48 hours.

I can’t wait to see her On Friday and I know our time together this weekend will go by quickly, but I intend to enjoy every moment. The last time we were alone together were the three days before my sentencing hearing and back then I know I was very nervous. This setting in prison is not exactly ideal for a weekend getaway but it is the very best we have at the moment. I do foresee many more weekends away with my wife in our future and this weekend will be wonderful. Hey who needs the Ritz-Carlton!

It was time to clean the bathrooms and I have gotten used to working by myself. I have employed a tactic given to me by my mother many years ago. When I was a kid I was lazy (for lack of a better word!) and getting me to clean up my room was indeed a chore. I remember my mother imploring me to clean my room. She even went as far to tell me to make it a game. Back then I didn’t want anything to do with cleaning and I thought her game idea was absurd. Well, many years later, I see so much validity in my mother’s advice. Now as I clean the bathrooms, I do make a game of it and being alone I truly get into my own little world. Each day I try to charge it up a little and it has become a fun game to me. It still takes me much longer then previously, but I don’t mind it all. Where am I going? I do have all the time in the world - that is up until February 27th. I had no ideas that cleaning bathrooms that 120 inmates use on a daily basis could actually be fun – but it is!

As I close, my wife will be here in 46 hours and 40 minutes!!!!

Christmas Decorations

“It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” is the famous line in the very popular Christmas song. This is very appropriate because the camp is starting to look a lot like Christmas with Christmas decorating everywhere. Yesterday afternoon, the dining hall was decorated complete with a Christmas tree and other very nice decorations. This is a remarkable change from last year when I did not see one Christmas decoration while I was spending the holiday in Jamestown. Yes, one year does make a huge difference, and I can only imagine how special Christmas 2008 will be as I spend it with my family. The decorations were great touches, and when I heard the first Christmas song on the radio, I realized Christmas season was upon me. I am not exactly enamored with the prospect of spending one more Christmas in prison separated from my family; however, this year is so much better than last year. Obviously, the fact that I will be released two months after Christmas is a huge benefit. Also, the fact that I will see my wife in a few days and my mother will be visiting in January and that I am in a great place both physically and mentally all make for a much better holiday season. Quite frankly, I will be very happy when Christmas is over all with New Year’s because this puts me that much closer to getting out of here. In the meantime, I will continue enjoying my days and the holidays.

I had heard stories about Christmas in Fire Camp. All of these stories have been very positive, and I am seeing them taking shape. Not only are there Christmas decorations in the dining hall, there are decorations all throughout the camp on the outside of the buildings. I can’t say enough how nice this is, and it does give me a very good feeling. Even the family visit cottage has a Christmas wreath on the front door which looks very good. Yes, it is feeling a lot like Christmas, which is a really good thing.

I finished “Shelter Island” by Dennis Lehane, and the adjective I have been saying to describe this novel cannot be printed. I will give a hint. It is a four-letter word which is banned in most media, and the second part of the phrase is “up”. I don’t ever remember reading a novel so convoluted and just downright insane. It was a combination horror and drama novel, and the ending had more twists than a pretzel. I wouldn’t say I enjoyed the novel, but I also didn’t hate the novel. It was certainly a strange story that got stranger and stranger as it progressed. I had to read the last four pages twice because I wasn’t sure what I was reading. I was told before I started reading it that the ending is unforgettable, and this is the truth. I guess I was entertained, but I really wouldn’t recommend the novel.

Last night I resumed our nightly conversations with my roommate, and it was good to have him awake. Last week, due to the fire meals, my roommate was so tired he fell asleep very early. Last night we talked for a while and laughed most of the time. We did finish talking and went to sleep knowing we would both be using the weight area in the morning. My roommate joined me 30 minutes after I got out there, and we had a very good workout. Nothing too exciting happened today (just like every day!) as breakfast and cleaning the bathrooms were very uneventful. During lunchtime, I was able to watch a few minutes of CNN as my friend programmed the television. He did his best to please everyone with comedy movies to movies from Portugal with subtitles. (I don’t know how well this will be received because foreign films in this setting are truly foreign!) After watching CNN, I intended to call my wife for some last minute additions to our family visit, but I couldn’t reach her. I was hoping to call her tonight, but if I don’t reach her, it really doesn’t matter.

As lunchtime ended, I did what has become my usual Tuesday afternoon workout – I hiked the hill. I was having a hard time getting going and only did 90 minutes, but it was a solid 90 minutes as I was sweating profusely. I returned to my room where I showered and read the Las Vegas Review and Journal that I received yesterday. This is my final issue as the subscription has run out, and it is too costly to continue. I am very happy that I had the opportunity to read this newspaper as I do have a better feeling for the place I will be going in three months from today.

Projecting

November 26th (Monday) – Projecting

Yesterday afternoon, I looked up at the family visit cottage and thought to myself that next week at the same time I will be in there spending the time with my wife. As I had this thought, a smile came across my face. Yes, I am projecting a future event, which may contradict the one-day-at-a-time philosophy, however, I am visualizing my time together with my wife next weekend. I also had a thought that this time next week our family visit will be winding down. I am certainly looking forward to my wife’s arrival on Friday, and this may sound odd but I will not mind her departure on Monday. Her departure will put me one day closer to being reunited with my family, and I have reached a point where I am really looking forward to February 27th. I most certainly will enjoy every moment of the visit with my wife because it has been too long since we spent time alone together, and who knows when the next time will be. This all goes towards one of the many lessons I have learned and continue to learn. This lesson is to not take anything, especially any moment, for granted, and I won’t.

The rest of yesterday was very peaceful, and the fire meals finally came to an end. The visiting crews departed yesterday afternoon since the weather forecast did not call for any winds. The crews were headed toward their camp and making that very long drive. It was surprising how a few guys were upset we weren’t served a full fire meal. My roommate and I have discussed this before, and we are amazed at the entitlement issue of some of our fellow inmates. I am grateful for everything I receive, and for being incarcerated, it really isn’t too bad.

My roommate and I resumed our Sunday night ritual by listening to “60 Minutes” on the radio. The final segment was an interview with the members of the group the “Eagles.” Apparently, they have released their first new material CD in 28 years this past week. I have always enjoyed the “Eagles” and also enjoyed the solo careers of the members. I wasn’t aware they released a brad new CD, and this is only available at Wal-Mart. It appears the recording industry is suffering with the advent of downloading music, and the best way for the Eagles to market their CD was with the agreement with Wal-Mart. It was interesting to hear the double CD only costs $11.88, which is much less expensive than similar double CD’s. I also learned that the Eagles record “Greatest Hits Volume I” is the biggest selling record in history with 60 million copies sold. I did not know this, and if memory serves me properly, I believe my wife has the cassette.

As I listened to the interview, I thought about the time my wife and I saw the Eagles in concert. It was in 1994 in Las Vegas. This was supposedly their farewell tour. It has been some farewell tour as 13 years later they are releasing new material! The concerts was very good back in 1994, and it is funny how I can remember the evening just like it was yesterday even though it occurred 13 years ago. Oh yes, time certainly does fly by!

The show was over, and I watched my roommate fall fast asleep by 8:00 p.m. He had a very busy week, and I know he is glad that the fire meals are over. Hopefully, this will be it for the fire season. Typically, the fire season starts in June and ends in November. Unfortunately, California and other western states have been in a drought for almost the past two years. It certainly isn’t typical because the wild lands are very dry. The region is in need of a consistent rain, and I have no idea what lies ahead in the next few months. Again, typically, December through March are rainy months, and I am hoping the rains return or the fire season may never end.

I fell asleep listening to the radio and had one of those up and down evenings. I woke up and went through my normal routine and headed over to the office to check in. Normally, someone is readily available in the office for me to inform I am running. Today, after a few minutes, I didn’t see anyone so I started to run and figured I would see someone while I was running. Apparently, I caused unneeded stress because, after my 7th lap, I heard my name called, and I went over. I was given a very nice warning about informing someone when I run. I apologized and continued on my run. I guess I fell into a comfortable routine since, if I am not in my room or bathroom at 5:00 in the morning, I am running around the track. This is my intention on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays; however, it is still prison and no mater how consistent my routine, I can take nothing for granted. Yes, this was my mistake, and I did apologize. Oops!

After the run, it was off to breakfast and off to start my work week. It is amazing how quickly the morning disappears. I ate lunch at the base of the hill, and as I looked at today’s date, I did some projecting. In three months from today, this will be my final day in prison. I was visualizing that day, which I imagine won’t be any different from today. I watched the squirrels scurry and the birds fly by. I noticed three beautiful blue jays looking for food, and I noticed the bright beautiful blue sky. I don’t see anything changing three months from now, and I will continue to enjoy the journey.

Superlatives Continue

My roommate and I had a lengthy conversation regarding perception, fears, hopes and other assorted things. These are very good discussions and I suspect will continue until the day I parole. We did agree that the human mind conjures up so many warranted and unwarranted emotions. The key for me is to keep my ego in check. I do believe all or mostly all of my problems are based in ego. I am doing my best to keep my ego in check and to be more selfless. This does help me grow as a person. As we discussed last night there will be a time in the future where I will be confronted by a face from my past. I do believe this is inevitable and amazingly all through this journey most of those faces have been extraordinarily supportive. There will come a time where I will be approached by someone of the unsupportive nature. I cannot run from my past and by the same token I cannot ignore my past. I am hoping I will be able to do the right thing which is embracing the present and to live in the here and now. I am very interested to see how far I have come when I am faced with this situation.

The stimulating discussion was over and we both went to sleep much later than usual – 10:00 pm – WOW! It was much colder and I needed a third blanket due to the temperatures dropping into the 30’s. I got up and prepared for today’s GA visit.

While I was waiting, I finished the last verse in Dr. Dyer’s book. This has been amazing and something that will be part of my life. The last verse is titled “Living Without Accumulating”. This wraps up all the other verses. It emphasizes the fact of true essence. So often in my life, it was the pursuit of “things” which was downright silly. None of these things can bring happiness, peace, and serenity. In fact, these “things” get in the way of happiness, peace, and serenity. Over the past 16 months I have stopped accumulating and in that I have found my true essence. I was born with no-thing-ness and essentially, I will leave this world with no-thing-ness. My true essence is of goodness, kindness, and love. The less “stuff” I accumulate the better off I become. This book has been and will continue to be a tremendous aid to my development. I have been cognizant of all these attributes but have never put them altogether and because of it, I continue to be a better person. Life is an amazing journey and I love my life so much!

Speaking of an amazing journey, my dear friends did arrive for the GA visit. Today there were four and I was ecstatic to see all of them. Yes, these visits are the highlight of my week and the superlatives continue for the unbelievably great people and outstanding Program. As usual I was greeted with warm hugs and we had a magnificent meeting. Our group is planning a Holiday Party for the first time and it sounds like it will be wonderful. Of course, I would love to attend but not this year as the party is scheduled for the 21st of December. Unfortunately, I have a commitment that night and the following 67 nights!! I will be there in spirit and I will be able to feel the love that night as I do every single day. I cannot say enough about these great friends and I am blessed by their presence. What started out almost three years ago as fear, worry, and concern has been replaced by love, kindness, and caring. I continue to learn so much and I am forever grateful!

Paradise Is Not Lost

While I was reading today’s verse of “Living the Wisdom of the Tao”, I had an “ah-ha” moment. In the verse which was titled “Living Your Own Utopia”, Dr. Dyer quotes Voltaire who is a French Philosopher. He states “Paradise is where I am.” What a simple statement – yet it is so true. I forget where Paradise lost comes from but applying his quote, it can never be lost because it is where you are. It is not lost and is always found. It maybe a stretch to call my current living conditions paradise, but it is my paradise. The philosophy will be with me as I go forward into the free world and I can’t wait to take it with me. In years past, I have always been searching for what seemed to be this elusive paradise when it has been with me all the time. Sure it has taken me to come to prison to realize this concept but it is one of the many lessons I continue to learn. Paradise is most certainly where I am and being ever so mindful of this makes life a great deal simpler.

The overall theme of the passage is to keep things as simple as possible. The passage was written 2500 years ago and well before the advent of life’s modern time-saving inventions. These are meant to simplify life but really having been without many of these inventions for the past 16 months, I can say they make life more complicated. I was a person who was always on the computer everyday and had to check my e-mail along with other sites. Now having been unable to do this it really does make life more simpler. The key comes down to balance for me. I’m not advocating living the life of a monk. I am trying to say life is much simpler without all those distractions which can be found in modern technology. I’m sure when I enter the free world I will go back to the modern technologies; however, with a watchful eye of keeping life simpler. At this point of my journey my life is about as simple as it will get and truly this in not a bad thing. Through this simplification, I have found paradise and by being mindful, I will never lose it.

Giving Thanks

I am thankful to have made it through one of those tougher holidays. Thanksgiving is a time to be around family and friends. Yesterday I was among friends and I must say I have met some very wonderful people all through this journey. I have been very fortunate to share a Thanksgiving with friends and the CDC certainly did a great job with the holiday meal. There were giveaways of microwave popcorn for answering various trivia questions along with tournaments for basketball, ping pong, chess, horseshoes, and cribbage. I didn’t participate in the trivia games or the tournaments because in my opinion these activities fall into the GA definition of gambling. This doesn’t mean I was against any of this, in fact, I thought it was a great idea to boost morale which it did. I just chose not to participate. It was a very positive day.

After dinner I headed back to my room where I would read and talk with my roommate until it was time to go to sleep. My poor roommate has gotten a cold and was feeling miserable. Being the trooper that he is he with all his duties and getting up at 5:00 am every day, he is a soldier! As he got up, I purposely waited in bed so we could have a conversation and we did. As we spoke, I realized I have become my mother. I must relate a story about the time my mother, younger sister, wife and I were vacationing in Florida. We were staying in Daytona Beach and my mother wanted us to see the sunrise. She seemed more awake than anyone as the sun was rising. However, none of us were not at all interested and just rolled over. My mother was so upset that by the third day we finally acknowledged the sunrise – then rolled over to back to sleep – and I remember my mother wanting to have a conversation. Here it is some twenty years later and now I am wide awake before the sunrise and wanting to have a conversation. Yes, I have become my mother which really isn’t so bad. I found out later that my roommate was not exactly into the conversation but he did humor me.

The rest of the camp was off for the day but I had the bathrooms to clean. I didn’t want a write-up of Columbus Day when I failed to clean the bathrooms. I most certainly cleaned and it is a little more difficult when everyone is here in camp especially now that I am by myself. As I cleaned people were in and out. Sometimes I do wonder about consideration to others. I clean one at a time and I don’t put “Bathrooms Closed” signs up. I am of the belief that when others see me cleaning away that they will be considerate enough to use the other bathroom. This may have been a bad assumption on my part because so many people came in to use the bathrooms. The part I couldn’t understand was when a few people even used the toilets when they weren’t rinsed of the cleaning chemicals. The majority of guys do ask if they can use the bathroom, but those few guys who don’t – I just wonder what they are thinking about. I went faster than usual because I couldn’t linger in the bathrooms any longer than I needed. It still took me over 2 hours to clean. I guess at the very least I am thorough.

As I was exercising, my name was called over the loudspeaker. I went to the office to receive the Las Vegas newspaper. Incidentally this was the third Sunday newspaper I received and it has taken longer to get here each time. The first one I received in a week, the second in a week and two days, and the third in one week and four days. I guess it’s still better than the two weeks my mother was quoted.

I am learning more about the city I departed six years ago. Yes, the housing market seems depressed but the commercial growth astonishing. The city is opening shopping areas all over the place. This should be great news for my wife who certainly enjoys shopping. One center is called “Town Square” and I remember hearing about the preliminary plans six years ago. Now it is scheduled for opening this month. Yes, time continues to move by. Also, one of the biggest complaints I had with Las Vegas was the traffic. It does seem it is still a problem but some of the highway projects that were started in the past six years are completed. This should help alleviate some of the congestion but they still have a long way to go. I am very interested to see all of the growth when I arrive there in a little more than 3 months.

Slipping Under 100 Days

Alright, I will admit it. I was lonely during the day yesterday as I worked alone. I had a good run over the past three months which seemed to end yesterday. The good run was working with my friends. I certainly got into cleaning the bathrooms, and I don’t know how the other guys who cleaned the bathrooms by themselves, before I started, cleaned everything so quickly. Anyhow, I got through my loneliness as the day progressed. Last night was yet another fire meal. Thanks to my roommate, my spaghetti was served with marinara sauce.

I spent most of the night composing letters as I received four magnificent letters. I received an exceptional envelope from my wife that contained a Thanksgiving Day card, a wonderful wedding anniversary note from my daughter, a beautiful drawing by my son, and photographs. The photographs covered the first day of school and went all the way to Halloween. My goodness, our children are beautiful and are growing up so fast. In the photographs were photos of my daughter and son in a pumpkin patch. My wife has taken a picture in a pumpkin patch ever since my daughter was born 9 years ago. It seems like just yesterday we had to hold our daughter (and son for that matter) because she was just a baby. Now she is a beautiful young woman. Where has the time gone?? The pictures were great at Halloween with “Goth” girl and “Jedi” boy. My daughter was the prettiest gothic character I have ever seen. I looked at the photographs three different times during the evening. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful family. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how beautiful my wife looked in the photographs. She gets more beautiful with every passing day, and like a fine wine, she gets better with age!

I did go to sleep after viewing the photographs for the final time. As I was dressing in the morning, my roommate struck up a conversation. Please keep in mind this conversation was struck up at 4:45 a.m.! He had 15 more minutes before he had to get up for yet another fire meal. As soon as my roommate started talking, I wished him a Happy Birthday. Yes, today is his birthday. We chatted for a few minutes, and he playfully call me a “freak” for getting up so early to work out. I bade him adieu as I went off to the weight area. I realized I had more time this morning due to the delayed breakfast, so I took my time working out. As I worked out, I realized that I have now officially slipped under the 100-day mark before I am released. Today, I have 98 days remaining. I am not about to start counting down the days on a daily basis; however, I remember not too long ago informing my mother I had 180 days remaining, and half of that has already disappeared. When I started this journey, I originally had a sentence of 730 days (2 years). By coming to fire camp, my sentence was reduced to 140 days or so. Knowing I have less than 100 days remaining does give me great perspective. I know now 100 days goes by very quickly, and in no time, it will be February 27th. This journey is coming to an end, and a bright, beautiful journey will follow. Time does march on by very quickly, and the next 98 days will be over in a flash.

The workout was excellent, and I even got into a bit of a disagreement over the radio station. Since I am the first one out in the weight area, I get to select the radio station. Well, the radio station I selected is not the most popular with my fellow inmates. My fellow inmates listen to the hip hop/rap/rhythm and blues station. If you ask me, I swear the station only plays six songs, and they all sound the same – spoken like a true “old man!” I tuned into the “oldie” station which plays soft rock (when did Bruce Springsteen become soft rock??) from the 70’s, 80’s and today. I guess there weren’t any hits in the 90’s! I know a few of the guys out there in the morning, so we had a very playful disagreement. I didn’t care about the radio station, so I was having fun being the “old guy” (OG if you will). This was all settled when someone put in a Metallica CD which supersedes any radio station. I have gotten quite a musical education with these workouts. Most of the time, the CD’s are rap, and I would swear they were written with prison in mind. I found myself recognizing the prison slang in the rap lyrics. I can’t say that I enjoy the music (and I use that term very loosely!), but I do find it fascinating knowing what they are talking about. Even the Metallica CD wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I could even hear words being sung! This is all part of my prison education which continues each day.
The workout was over, and it was on to breakfast. After that, it was time for my second day going solo, and even with an earlier start that yesterday, I finished much later than normal. I do know I am being thorough, so now I will have to pick up my pace. This does make the mornings fly by, and before I know it, lunchtime has arrived. I spent the afternoon hiking the hill and enjoying the beautiful weather. I have developed a great routine which melts away each day, and here is to the melting away of the next 98 days.

Going Solo

Yesterday afternoon I had the pleasure of telephoning my mother. I am very reticent to think about how much money my mother has paid for these collect calls over the past 16 months. I am sure it is in the thousands-of-dollars’ range. My mother has never even mentioned the cost and has always welcomed my calls. When I do sit back and think about how much money I have cost my mother and wife I could very well make myself sick. These calls are very expensive which is why I have limited myself to once call per week to my wife and one call per week to my mother. Yesterday, the plan was to speak with my mother for only 15 minutes. As we received the “60 second warning” and weren’t even close to wrapping up the telephone call, my mother suggested that I call back, and this is what I did. We spoke for a total of 30 minutes, which equates to a bill in excess of $30. I really don’t understand how in this day and age of low-cost long distance telephone service that it costs over $1 per minute for these collect calls. I am certainly a “captive” (pun intended) consumer, and the long distance carrier is capitalizing on this segment. It really is a shame how the long distance carrier seems to be preying on the inmates. The cost is so prohibitive I believe it hinders an inmate’s chances of reconnecting with their family. Of course, the saying, “If you don’t like it, don’t come to prison” applies. I certainly don’t like and will do everything in my power not to see this system ever again.

Anyhow, I had a wonderful conversation with my mother. It certainly is wonderful speaking with her, and I can’t wait to see her in two months. I did wish her a Happy Thanksgiving as I won’t be speaking with her on Thursday. Thinking about Thanksgiving is both bitter and sweet. The bitter part is obvious because, for the second year in a row, I won’t see my family for Thanksgiving, and I miss them dearly. The sweet part is knowing this is the last Thanksgiving Day I will be apart from my family and knowing I sill see my wife next week. Keeping these thoughts in mind will help me get through the holiday much better than last year. I am nearing the end of this journey, and yes, there are some obstacles such as Thanksgiving, my wife’s birthday, Christmas, my son’s birthday, and my daughter’s birthday to overcome in the next three months. I know I will get through each of these one day at a time. Realistically, three months ago was August, and I was on a fire crew, which feels just like yesterday. So there is no reason why the next three months shouldn’t go as fast.

The wonderful telephone call was over, and I will call her back this Saturday to see how Thanksgiving went. After the telephone call, I walked back to my room where I read the current edition of Men’s Health until it was time for dinner. Since there are crews from a visiting fire camp, dinner would be later than usual. I am all for later dinners because on the weekends we start eating at 5:00 p.m. I feel like I should be receiving the senior citizen’s early bird discount at this time! The weekdays really aren’t much better as dinner starts at 5:30 p.m. Maybe this is why I can’t seem to stay awake past 9:00 p.m. I am a senior citizen at the ripe old age of 42! I must admit these fire meals do raise the level of enthusiasm in the camp. Everyone (with the exception of my roommate and me) appear to love these fire meals, which is a positive. I did hear someone mention that the meal didn’t appear to be very good as the person was in line getting their food. I find these types of comments strange because here I am in prison, and the dinner is beyond bountiful. I know I pooh pooh these fire meals because of my peculiar eating habits, but every time I enter the dining hall I am amazed at what is being served. There are so many people out there in the free world who don’t have the opportunity to eat one-tenth of what was served. I am truly grateful to be here and not starve.

With dinner over, it was back to my room to listen to “60 Minutes” on the radio. One of the segments had to do with New York City requiring some fast-food restaurants to place the nutritional and calorie information on their menus. This is being done so the consumer can see how many calories are really in the meal. Apparently, there is some controversy regarding this (imagine that). Some franchises have complied, but the information is not displayed prominently. I know for my “freaky” self I would probably go hungry in a restaurant that labeled their entrees with the caloric and nutritional information. In my mind, a person who goes to McDonald’s could care less how many calories and how many fat grams are in a Big Mac. Let’s face it; if someone believes that is a low calorie meal, they have bigger problems than reading the nutritional information. I also understand there seems to be an obesity epidemic in the country, but it does come down to personal responsibility. The government does need to implement certain guidelines, but when it starts telling people what they should and should not eat, it has gone too far. Taking this a step further, this is analogous to compulsive gambling. I am a compulsive gambler, and I brought this on myself. The government has since outlawed internet gambling, but knowing me, I would have found a way around that; however, there does need to be programs in place to help the compulsive gambler and their families. This, I believe, is government’s biggest responsibility. The government believes it can protect the people, but in reality, the government should assist the people.

Enough of my political statement! After “60 Minutes”, my roommate and I took up a conversation between the two of us. The subbed came around to me and ho9w I am very reserved. My roommate believes there is more to me than send out. This could be the case, but pretty much what my roommate sees is who I am. I hardly ever talk about personal matters because I really don’t have anything to talk about. I have brought up some things recently, but for the most part, I am at peace. Now, I am not a monk or in a monastery order. Rather, I have gotten quite good at letting go. Yes, there are many unknowns in my life, but I choose not to dwell on these. I do my best to remain positive and upbeat, which is usually where my mind is 95% of the time. The other 5% I process and let go. I’m not sure if I articulated enough for my roommate, but it is how I feel. I am grateful for him because he is very much a large part of my peace of mind.
We did conclude the conversation and went to sleep. The early morning arrived and I was out of bed and running. There are days when it is a chore to get through those first five miles, and then there are days when it is effortless. Today was one of those effortless days. After showering, dressing, and reading, it was time for the fire meal breakfast. My roommate and friend were busy with the service but did join me to eat. As my friend sat down, I realized I would be solo in cleaning the bathrooms today. He is in training to take my roommate’s position because my roommate will have a different position in two months. This is great for both of them, and as for me, I will be going it alone. I hope I am not being melodramatic because I didn’t mean to be. I have been very fortunate over the past three months to work with two great people. Realistically, the bathrooms can be cleaned by only one person, and when I took the position, I had a feeling the day would come. Yes, it has come, and yes, I probably did more work today than I have in the past two months. Even though I did more work, I was still finished the noon count time, which is always my goal. I had only a few minutes to spare, but I made it. This means I still have my afternoons to myself. I will miss the conversations with my friend as we worked and had lunch together, but we will still get together later in the day. I don’t know what the plans or if I will ultimately have another person help clean the bathrooms or not. Whatever the case, I know I can do it by myself, and I am still having fun cleaning.

Again With The Fire Meals

WE have four crews visiting (staging) from a fire camp 20 miles from the Oregon/California border. That must have been a long bus ride and it did take them two days to get here. Having been on that fire bus for over 12 hours – that ride is akin to cruel and unusual punishment. The crews are here in anticipation of the Santa Ana winds which are forecast for this week. The rumor has the crews staying until Thanksgiving, but I guess it all depends on the weather. It appears the authorities are taking all the precautions and want to be ready if wildfires spark while the winds are blowing. It is certainly better to be safe than sorry.

Of course this means my roommate is back on the fire meal treadmill which started this morning and will last as long as the crews are here. He will have company as our friend is now in-training. I on the other hand, will just go about my days as usual this morning.

I finished reading BEACH MUSIC and I must concur with my roommate’s opinion that it was an excellent novel. It was a very emotional story and I was touched by all the heartfelt themes. I’m glad I made it past the first 200 pages because I was thinking about giving up. In retrospect, those 200 pages did set the foundation for the remaining story and, oh my, those were incredible stories. The rest of the day, I wrote my weekly letter to my sponsor which is always a great part of the day. Nothing too exciting happened today, but the day did pass quickly enough.

How Many Laps?

After my haircut last night I returned to my room where my roommate and I had a very long chat about life. In this conversation were the past, present, and future topics about our respective lives. It was a wonderful discussion and we stayed up way past out normal bedtimes! My roommate gets out six months after I am released and he too has many questions regarding his future. It is very possible that he won’t be able to pursue what he has been doing all his adult life. I do believe America is the land of “second chances” but sometimes there are significant hurdles involved in getting these second chances. I also believe everything will workout for the best with my roommate. His story is very sad because of everyone I have met through this journey, he is truly an “innocent” convict. Everything does happen for a reason and he has a wonderful attitude.

I got out of bed at my usual time and I was ready for a long run. It took me longer than usual to check in and somewhere along this journey I will assert myself (but not right now!) I checked in and off I went. I was hoping to do 70 laps but ran out of time and did 68 laps. My roommate asked how many laps and when I told him, my neighbors overheard. They quickly came over and asked, “How many laps?” I responded with 68 to which they just shook their heads in astonishment and repeated my answer. I was feeling very good this morning and again it was the case where I could have run forever. Sixteen miles was a good run. I find myself doing abdominal exercises more than anything else. I still don’t understand how I could be so skinny and still have love handles! I guess it’s hard to beat genetics. My stomach is firm and flat, but I don’t have one of those “six pack” type abs. I’m not sure if I could ever have them. Oh, well, it still doesn’t stop me from working out.

I was supposed to have a visit from a friend of mine today. Before the visit I called my family because they were headed to my sister’s house to celebrate Christmas in November with my father who was visiting from Florida. I spoke with my wife who gave me the news that my friend would not be visiting me today. Unfortunately, his friend had some very tragic events in their family. My friend went to his aid in this time of need. I was looking forward to his visit, but those tragic events most certainly take precedence over coming here. Hopefully, everything will be alright and my friend can visit in the upcoming months. I also spoke to my wife about other items such as the transfer of my parole. She knew all about this as our friends in Las Vegas had been contacted and will be visited by a parole agent. I found this interesting because technically, the paperwork hadn’t made it’s way into the Nevada system which I presume are the people who will visit them. It was good to hear that the wheels are in motion and things are happening. It was always wonderful to speak with my family and I will call them on Thanksgiving. I am certainly counting the number of days until I see my wife (13) for the family visit.

Southern California most certainly has the best weather I have ever encountered. Since I wasn’t having a visit, I changed my clothes and sat outside wearing shorts with a tee shirt. I believe the forecast is calling for the Santa Ana winds this coming week. Hopefully, if the winds come up, the fires will not. The word is crews from other fire camps are on their way and will be here tomorrow night. This means my roommate and now my friend will have the same routine. I will do my best not to be taken away by the winds if they blow as they did a few weeks ago. Yes, it was a very good Saturday even though I didn’t receive a visit. The days continue to move on by very quickly.

Was it a Miscommunication?

Yesterday afternoon the Counselor arrived as scheduled and for the first time since I arrived here she actually called me to the office. All the other times I had to remind her about my parole plans and transfer of parole. Yesterday was the day for me to sign all the papers for the transfer to the state of Nevada and I was very happy to see all the papers were properly filled out and all I had to do was sign. The counselor had also verified all the information I had given regarding the place I will be living and the prospective job. The counselor spoke to my dear friend who made quite an impression. I have a very long standing friendship (well over 30 years) and I am sure it showed in their conversation. The Counselor also called the Director of the Recovery Center to verify the existence of my potential employment. She didn’t speak with the Director; rather the Counselor’s supervisor spoke with the Director. The message I received through the Counselor was that I do NOT have a job waiting for me when I parole in February. I would have to fill out an application and apply for a position at that time. Now this is somewhat contradictory of what my mother was told by the Director a few weeks ago. He did not say to my mother that I had a guaranteed position, but he did say that a position can be created as he spoke very highly of me. So, I’m not sure if there is a miscommunication somewhere or what to believe. What I do know is everything will workout for the very best and the paperwork have been submitted for the transfer of my parole to Nevada.

The counselor informed me that this paperwork would be on the next bus to Sacramento. This means that the actual hard copy of the paperwork will physically be placed on the next bus to Sacramento. I found this fascinating that in today’s age of instant electronic transfer, my paperwork will take a 400 plus mile bus ride to where it will be processed. I guess it will take awhile for this system to enter the 21st century. Nonetheless the process is in motion and hopefully I will be informed of the approval of the transfer before February 27th. Now I just sit and wait, but I do need to at least inquire to the status of my job prospect. I do have faith and know the process will be as intended. The rest of the evening was as usual. I received a letter from my good friend who visited me a few weeks ago. He informed me he was thinking about a return visit sometime after the first of the year. This would be wonderful and something I am looking forward to.

I went to sleep much later than usual because I was conversing with my roommate. We were talking about our mutual friend and how I could be losing him from helping with the bathrooms. I have been very fortunate to have worked with two people I consider friends. The first friend paroled at the end of September and the current friend appears to be moving on to bigger and better things. The first friend paroled at the end of September and the current friend appears to be moving onto bigger and better things. I will miss working him, but I will still see him as he will be working with my roommate. I have mentioned in the past how I would have preferred to be a clerk, but I have been prohibited from this type of position all through my incarceration. I have made the best of the situation and yes, believe it or not being a bathroom porter is making the best. It would have been nice being in an office environment with access to a computer, but it wasn’t meant to be. I will go about my daily routine and continue to do my best in cleaning the bathrooms. By the way we did receive another very good compliment regarding the cleanliness of the bathrooms. I will miss the talks we currently have with my friend as we conclude cleaning the bathrooms, but I will survive.

Before the morning was over we were briefed about the outbreak of staph in the prison system. Apparently staph infections have reached the camp system and all proper procedures must be in order. Thankfully, I use gloves while cleaning and have cleaning agents which kill many forms of bacteria. The outbreak of staph is in direct correlation of the overcrowding issue and I recently read an article about how inmates are taking the staph infections when they parole and infect several communities. It is somewhat ironic how some politicians are indignant when it comes to the early release of inmates due to concerns of “public safety”. When in reality, keeping the overcrowding numbers up is also a risk to public safety – not in the criminal sense – but in the health sense. There isn’t an easy solution to all of this but health issues should be a number one priority not only for the inmates but for society.

In the afternoon, I was called up to the office to receive mail. My very thoughtful mother and sister sent me paper, writing tablets, and envelopes. These all came separately and I had a big smile on my face while I opened the envelopes. My sister’s contained a letter – as did my mother’s – and in her letter, my sister was the second person in the last two weeks to tell me that the actor – Steve Carrel – (“The Office) looks a lot like me. I think we have similar noses (poor Steve Carrel) and the hair is also similar, but I’m not sure about any other physical characteristics.

I actually broke down last night and got a haircut. I decided it was long enough for the 1070’s Keith Partridge look and finally got a haircut. The inmate/barber who I know fairly well and is a very good guy is really just learning how to cut hair. I have actual hair to cut which is a rarity in this system as most guys have bald or shaved heads. My hair is a little tricky so my expectations were fairly low. I was very pleasantly surprised to receive a good haircut. My hair is decidedly shorter and my ever-present middle part is gone. However, my hair has been cleaned up very nicely. I really don’t have to comb it at all; it is a very low maintenance hairstyle. It does look very much like my roommate’s hair and the barber did tell me our hair is very similar. I wanted to get a haircut prior to my wife’s arrival in two weeks and that is what I did this evening. It is certainly not the worst haircut I have ever received and under the circumstances, it came out very well. I was happy with the result and now I don’t have to concern myself with keeping my hair out of my eyes.

It Is What It Is

The evening was very routine, but I did receive the Sunday (November 4th) edition of the Las Vegas Review Journal. I read this all of last night and it really isn’t a bad newspaper. I find myself drawn to the housing advertisements and it appears the prices are dropping substantially. I noticed some home builders dropping the price $100,000 and more on newly constructed homes. Even with these price reductions, they are still well ahead of what my wife and I paid for our first home back in 1997. Timing is one of those critical components of life and I feel bad for those who bought into the Las Vegas housing market in the past year because their homes are worth a lot less. I do firmly believe my wife and I will own a home once again and hopefully our timing will be beneficial. After finishing the newspaper and talking with my roommate, I went to sleep.

Today being Thursday, meant I was off to the weight area in the early morning hours. I had this area all to myself for at least 30 minutes before the next person arrived. The 30 minute period was a very peaceful time as I went about my exercise routine. I was hoping my roommate was going to join me, but he took the morning off and slept in. I got a good workout and then went on to my day.

The day was uneventful until my name was called over the loudspeaker. I went to the office and was quickly reminded of where I am. There are so many things out of my control and this was one of them. Fortunately, the situation was remedied and everything did work out for the very best. There is something to be said for trusting and believing everything will workout as intended. I continue to learn so much and today I learned to trust in the unknown. This takes the Serenity Prayer to another level because I not only accept the things I cannot change, I embrace these things, letting go and letting God is a wonderful philosophy which works out so well.

"Gesticulate"

Over the past few weeks I have been made aware of certain things I do such as when I get excited, my voice goes up a few octaves. This reminded me of the first time someone said this to me. I had just gotten out of college and was working for an accounting firm in NYC. A group of us had been working together for a few months and one evening we went out to dinner. Afterward we were walking past the empire State Building. Incidentally, all the times I have been to the Empire State Building, I have never gone in. I did work in the World Trade Center and admired the view from the 110th floor and the restaurant on top of the Center. Anyway, the eight of us were engaged in conversation and I guess I got excited and my voice raised those few octaves when one of my colleagues very nicely said to me, “Do you realize your voice has a high pitch to it when you get excited?” Up until that point I had never known this. Now almost 20 years later I had the very same thing said to me. It appears some habits are very difficult to kick!

Also, I was told that I am very animated with my hands when I speak and also when I am pondering a question. I have always been aware of this habit and I would like to call it “gesticulating.” I do have a habit of not only using my hands when I speak, but also using my hands to think. I have done this for as long as I can remember. It is actually quite comical when someone imitates my hand gestures as my roommate has done over these past few days. Of course, he is exaggerating (or at least I hope he is) and I did laugh several times he has done it. One of the things I can say about myself is that I have always been able to laugh at myself. This goes all the way back to my elementary school days when my nickname was “Goofy.” I acquired this nickname because at the age of 11 I was 5’9” and oddly enough in thirty plus years I have only grown one inch! My hands and feet are the same size back then as they are now. Couple this with the fact that I was gesticulating with those hands then and I was a bit awkward in my motions I earned the nickname “Goofy.” As strange as it may seem, I didn’t mind this nickname. I think it only lasted for 2 years since everyone caught up to and passed me in height. I figured back then as it is now if I can’t laugh at myself, I can’t laugh at anything. It seems lately I have been doing more and more of laughing at myself then I have in a long time.

My roommate has very kindly labeled me a “freak.” This is mostly due to my freaky eating and exercise habits along with those strange hand gestures. I do laugh every time he says, “Freak” because when I think about it, I am one. I don’t prescribe to the “normal” eating or exercising habits so it is a bit freaky. I like to think of this as being “unique.” Yes, I am a strange fellow in certainly a strange predicament, but it all continues to workout for the very best. I laugh more now than I have in a very long time and I am finally at peace with myself. I’m not sure how to put this, but for so many years I never knew who I really was. I remember when I was in my early teenage years looking in the mirror and saying, “Who are you?” I filed this away for a very long time, but I believe the compulsive gambling prevented me from truly looking at who I really am. Now thankfully, the addiction has been set aside and I really like the person I have become. I did do bad things to earn my place to where I sit right now; however, I am not a bad person nor is anyone else. I have always exhibited kindness, goodness, generosity, sincerity, loyalty, and other positive qualities. This represents the true me, not the thief as the Judge powerfully said at my sentencing hearing. Without a doubt, I messed up; however, I have a long way to go in my lifetime (God willing) and with being in recovery I finally have a happy and healthy outlook. Now I know exactly how I am and this person has always been there. I am so grateful for recovery because having peace of mind is wonderful!

Here I sit having 3 ½ months remaining on my sentence. Yes, the time continues to tick on by. My wife will be here in a little over two weeks and I cannot wait. Thanksgiving is next week and quite frankly I could bypass the holidays altogether this year. I was apart from my family last holiday season and it wasn’t very much fun. I am certainly in a much better place and thanks to my dear friends; I continue to receive visits which helps me tremendously. I would like to hit the fast forward button so I could land on February 27th tomorrow morning. Of course, this is not possible and I will be doing my best to enjoy the days I have remaining. This time away continues to help me and so will the next 3 ½ months. My perspective on life has changed over the last 16 months and what matters most to me is my family. This has always been the case with me but I never admitted it. I hid behind an addiction which hindered my growth as a husband, father, and a person. Now that the addiction has been rendered dormant, the growth has been incredible. I most definitely love my life and can’t wait to share it with my family in
3 ½ months!

Everyone's Still Here

Last night I didn’t feel much like reading, and my roommate and I had exhausted our conversation. I just lay in bed listening to the John Tesh radio program before falling asleep. I got out of bed at 5:00 and headed for the weight area. Something very comical happened during the morning session, and all I can say is I was “singled out” for a reason that wasn’t readily apparent to me or anyone else in the weight area. Oh well, I do chuckle and just let it go because it is one of those many things I have no control over.

Breakfast was uneventful, and I ate all the available oatmeal at our table. Since everyone is still here, the normal routine has been disrupted. We were able to clean the bathrooms with little inconvenience, and we were quick but thorough. With the bathrooms cleaned, I set out to do 80 minutes of Harvard steps. Once again, the weather was spectacular with temperatures warmer than yesterday (80’s) and less of a breeze with brilliant sunshine. It is hard to believe it is the middle of November with these warm temperatures.

After lunch, the mail call arrived very early, and I received three letters. One of the letters was from the University of Maryland congratulating me on my acceptance to their on-line classes. This was step one in the process. Now, I need to find out what class or classes I need to take to finish my long-awaited degree requirements. The time of the on-line class appears perfect as classes start late March. Conceivably, this will work out very well as I can complete the class or classes while I am working and living in Las Vegas while waiting for my family to join me next June. I can have everything accomplished before they come out, which would be great. Yes, everything continues to work out for the very best, and I am eternally grateful.

Scrabble

Where do these days go, indeed? Another weekend has passed; however, I guess today being Veteran’s Day it really is a three-day weekend. Anyhow, the natural weekend is over, and it is on to another week. Yesterday, after the fabulous GA meeting, the rest of the day went quickly. I was true to my word and took the entire day off from exercising. I ventured into the television room to watch the football game between the Dallas Cowboys and my son’s team the New York Giants. Since the Giants are my son’s team, they are also my team. I have been watching football for as long as I can remember. Over that period of time, I did have that horrible compulsive gambling habit; however, I can state that I have always had a fairly discerning eye when watching most sports, football included. I really haven’t had a favorite football team since Terry Bradshaw, Franco Harris, and Lynn Swann, et al, last played for the Pittsburgh Steelers. With that in mind, I have been somewhat following the New York Giants this season. I was very surprised to see they only had lost two games all year headed into the game with the Cowboys. Frankly, I didn’t believe the Giants were that good to only have two losses, and incidentally, those two losses came to the two best teams in the NFC; the cowboys and the Green Bay Packers.

Well, now the Giants have three losses, and they didn’t fare very well against the Cowboys on Sunday. I do believe the Giants could be a much better team with a different coach. They have some very good players who I think are being stymied by their head coach. There quarterback, Eli Manning (yes, Peyton’s brother and Archie’s son), shows signs of brilliance while other times shows signs of disaster. While watching the game, I noticed a few unforgiveable penalties incurred by the Giants. The announcers pinned a few of these on Eli, but I believe it is the head coach’s fault because he is too controlling. It will be interesting to see if the Giants hold on to their head coach at the end of the season. I hope they go in another direction before Eli’s confidence is completely shot. They do have talent and should have a bright future without their current head coach.

The game was well in control by the Cowboys, who are clearly the better team. It almost pains me to say that last statement because, over the years I watched football, there may not have been teams that were my favorites, but there were a few teams that I certainly disliked; the Cowboys being one and the Oakland Raiders being the other. I have always been a fan of winning with class, and to me these two teams did not display this characteristic. My first favorite football team was the Miami Dolphins when they went through the 1972 season undefeated. I enjoyed how they seemed to win with class. Today, I can see this in the New England Patriots somewhat, but their last game against the Indianapolis Colts left something to be desired, at leas in terms of winning with class. I have never been a big proponent for the touchdown celebration, and I once heard an interview with the great running back, Barry Sanders. He was taught at an early age to act like you have scored a touchdown before, which is why he never spiked the football when he scored a touchdown. I certainly don’t mind impromptu celebrations, but some of these “celebrations” are better choreographed than some Broadway shows!
For all intents and purposes, the football game was over so I headed back to my room. My roommate suggested that the three of us (my friend who helps clean the bathrooms) play Scrabble after dinner. The Scrabble board had been retired since one of the initial members of the “table” had paroled back in June. I had been reluctant to join them back then, but I feel more comfortable now. I did say yes, and after dinner, the three of us played a game of Scrabble in the library. I had never played up until last night. I remember my sisters playing when we were kids, but for some reason, I never joined them. I was such a novice I had to read the rules before playing. It took me awhile to get used to the nuances, but I quickly caught on. The random draw of the letters was not very kind to me as my seven letters were made up of three “R’s” and four “L’s.” I came to find out this wasn’t very good as I struggled to find words. Much of the game I didn’t receive any vowels, and much to my chagrin, Vanna White wasn’t available so buying vowels was out of the question. The game lasted well over 1-1/2 hours. I did come in last by a considerable margin, but I had a good time. I learned that xi is a word found in Webster’s Dictionary which is the fourteenth letter in the Greek alphabet. Yes, it was fun and a very good way to pass away the time on a Sunday evening.

With the game over, we headed back to our rooms, and I must reiterate how much my roommate and I laugh each evening. I do go to sleep with a smile on my face, and that was the case last night. As I went to sleep, I was planning out my early morning. Today being a holiday meant all of the crews would be in camp and have the day off. In fact, most everyone with the exception of my friend and me had the day off. I did not want a repeat “write-up” of what happened on Columbus Day so we developed a plan for cleaning the bathrooms. The plan consisted of me getting up earlier than usual, complete my run, and then clean the bathrooms before breakfast. The plan went according to form, and we finished cleaning the bathrooms before breakfast. After breakfast, I hiked the hill in the back of the camp for almost two hours. It was a glorious morning with warm temperatures (70’s) and a slight breeze.

Nothing very exciting happened the rest of the day other than I did telephone my mother. We spoke for only 15 minutes as I had called the day before and spoke with my grandmother who informed me my mother and stepfather went to a wedding in Washington, D.C. for the weekend. It was great to speak with my grandmother who at 85 sounds great. My conversation with my mother was more brief than usual. It seemed we were both reluctant to share the letters we had written each other. Nonetheless, it is always great to speak with my mother, and she gave me a glowing report on my children. Yes, everything continues to move along quite nicely for them in New Jersey. I do believe this time apart had indeed worked out for the very best. Our conversation was over, and I returned to my room in preparation for my Boca burger dinner which I ate without incident.

Fabulous Program

Last night was one of those – “I laughed so hard, I cried” nights. My roommate and I were at it again making each other laugh as hard as we possibly could. I’m not sure what our neighbors think about our uncontrollable laughter. I suspect that they already believe we are peculiar and now with the crazy laughter, they think we are certifiable. I’m not sure how it all started, but one comment lead to another and the next thing I realized, I was laughing so hard tears were coming out of my eyes. It could have started with dinner which was beef. My roommate wasn’t satisfied with this meal so he made himself something to eat when we came back to the room. He made a dish of Mexican rice and sardines. (typists note - OMIGOD!! – does that not sound disgusting??) He offered me some and as is the case most times when I decline something I dislike, I turned up my nose as I said, “No, thank you.” Then it went from there because here we were two somewhat successful business people sitting in our prison dorm on a Saturday night staring at a bowl of rice and sardines. My how far we have come! Fortunately, we are able to make light of our situations and laugh. Taking it a step further, I am very fortunate to have met my roommate because we spend more time laughing than most other things. The evening went by quickly and I even stayed awake past 9:00 pm which is a huge step for me.

We finally settled down and went to sleep. Somewhere after this journey is completed and I am employed with a health care plan, I do need to get my kidneys or bladder checked. If I have a 12 ounce cup of tea or hot chocolate after 7:00 pm I am up several times during the night. This occurred last night and I have even seen this happen to me during the day when I drink a certain quantity of water. I really don’t know what it is and probably this has been with me all my life but in my current situation it is more pronounced. My liquid intake seems a great deal less than it has ever been yet I still make these visits to the restroom even more frequently. With only 100 plus days remaining, I will monitor and it hasn’t gotten worse but it is still annoying.

As I was shaving today, I noticed how long my hair has gotten. I think my last haircut was over 3 months ago and my hair is now covering more than half of my ears. This could be the longest my hair has been in a very long time. I took out the picture my mother sent me from 24 years and in a month or two without getting a haircut, my hair would be just as long. I am faced with a dilemma which is getting my haircut or letting it grow for the next 100 plus days. The really good barber has departed the camp and now we have a few guys who are just learning. They are very good at shaving heads and creating buzz cuts. I am not looking for either one of these as I wouldn’t look very good. I am so skinny that if I shaved my head, I would look sickly. I will probably bite the bullet and get my hair cut this week in preparation for my wife’s visit in less than 3 weeks.

I read the daily verse from “Living the Wisdom of the Tao”. The title for the verse for today is “Living by the Three Treasures.” These are mercy, frugality, and humility. This truly is very simple because mercy translates into living with compassion, good heartedness, love, kindness, and charity. Frugality translates into living in economy, moderation, and thrift or simplicity. Humility translates into “not presuming” to be above nature, daring not to be ahead of others, and not always trying to be number one. Wow, this verse was so appropriate for today because my dear friends from GA were arriving for the GA visit.

The GA Program and my cherished friends embody these three qualities. I felt the love as soon as I heard my name announced informing me I had a visit. These dear friends were so generous to come this morning. I was greeted with hugs and kisses as I entered the visiting area. The connection I share with each of these 6 people who came today goes beyond the common bond of suffering with a compulsive gambling addiction. Each one of us is in recovery and no longer suffering as I believe we are all thriving. I was certainly thriving from their presence. I was so happy to see them and couldn’t believe four weeks had passed by since the last meeting. Where does the time go indeed?

We all took seats at the concrete picnic table and I could feel the physical and spiritual warmth emanating from each person. The underlying theme of today’s meeting was honesty. GA is first and last an honesty program and it took me 20 years to finally accept this and once I accepted this virtue the Program has come easy and my life continues to change in a positive manner. One of my dear friends made a comment stating the name of this meeting should be changed to the Sunday Morning Brunch Meeting! The amount of food is incredible and my amazing friends continue to cater to my finicky eating habits. My day and week were made brighter by the goodness of these very dear people! Thank you all once again!

Tick Another Week Off

Really my day can be summed up in one sentence: I get out of bed when it is still dark, exercise, shower, dress, have breakfast, check-in, clean the bathrooms, have lunch, read or write, check-out, read or write, have dinner, talk, read, and go to sleep. Okay that is a long run on sentence, but that is my day Monday thru Friday. There’s a slight deviation on Saturdays and Sunday but essentially it really is the same. In between those events the days pass quickly. Here it is and I can tick off another week off as I head into the middle of November.

I was writing a letter to my mother last night and going over the many letters she sent to me this past week. As I was going over them, I was reminded of something she sent me a few weeks ago. She found a very good compulsive gambling website from England and sent me a few articles. In one of them was a story about a gentleman who is called “Ged”. The story is eerily similar to my own story. He is awaiting sentencing for crimes he committed to satisfy his compulsive gambling addiction. I read through the articles and somehow someone in the group actually did mention my story and the word “inspirational” was written about me. I don’t know about being inspirational and I was surprised to see my blog mentioned.

My mother has invoked her editor’s privilege and has summarized what I have written in hopes to drive more readers to this blog and hopefully to help at least one person. This has always been my goal when I started over 2 ½ years ago. A few people have called my blog self-indulgent. This very well may be the case because after all it centers around one person – me! It has never been my intention to be self indulgent or selfish for that matter. Writing this (as I have mentioned many times before) is one form of therapy for me and it continues to help me tremendously.

I’m not sure if Ged will read any of this, but if I can pass something I have learned over these past 16 months is to keep a journal. It doesn’t have to be published and can be something kept to yourself. I have found it more than therapeutic to write down my thoughts and also it does help to pass the time. The focus for me has been to make it through everyday in a positive and safe manner. Of course there have been “sucky days” but as the time progresses the “sucky days” disappear. Hopefully, Ged is enrolled in some type of recovery program such as Gamblers Anonymous. I have been very fortunate that I haven’t had any urges through this process but gambling is everywhere especially here in prison. The stakes may seem harmless, but I know for myself no matter what the stakes are, the wager would cause me irreparable harm. I always keep this thought in my mind which is why I may have not had any urges. Believe it or not, the days, weeks, months, and years will pass soon enough and this will be all in the past. I wish Ged the very best and I believe turning a potential negative situation into a positive is not only probable but very possible.

Today was just like most other days and we now have a good system when cleaning the bathrooms. Our two longest days of cleaning are Monday and Friday. There is something to be said of a clean bathroom and to take it a step further a clean “smelling” bathroom. When we are done, the bathrooms are clean and they do smell very fresh as well. There was a very slight negative comment made this morning, but I did let it go. It took me a few minutes, but ultimately the comment was gone. My friend and I are doing our best. The bathrooms are cleaner than I have seen in my 6 months since I arrived here. I may not be the most objective in this regard; however, the system we have is working and I am sure the negative comments will disappear.

Day's over Already

My mother has inundated me with letters this week; I have received at least one piece of mail each day from her and all of the mail has been exceptional. Last night the only piece I did receive was from my mother. I am sitting here with four of her letters stacked to my left. My intention was to write a letter to her this afternoon, but somehow the day went by so quickly. I thought I was going to watch the movie “The Secret”. The satellite dish has been on the fritz for the past few days and DVD’s have been the only thing shown. In the afternoon yesterday, I was able to watch the last 20 minutes of “The Secret” and was told it would be played again last night. I was all set to watch and found a seat in the TV room. I was excited to watch the entire broadcast because the last twenty minutes were very inspiring. The television came on and much to my dismay; the movie was “Spiderman III”. A far cry from “The Secret”! My roommate and I went back to our room and engaged in conversation with our neighbor.

Everything as it always does went well today. Breakfast was uneventful and it was the normal cleaning of the bathrooms. Here is a small sample of how “into” cleaning the bathrooms I have become. In each of the bathrooms is a trough urinal (sorry about being so graphic) and to clean it properly, I use my hands. Yes, I wear latex gloves, but my hands are in the urinal cleaning it! This seems to be the best way to get it really spotless. I certainly didn’t think at the age of 42 that I would have my hands inside a prison urinal but this is how it has turned out. Strangely enough, I am very grateful and it continues to keep me humble.

I was all set to write this afternoon when the meat delivery arrived. I promised my roommate I would help him unload the truck and I found myself in a role which was part of a previous life. My roommate gave me the invoice and I was responsible for inventorying all of the items on the truck as they were unloaded. I was being an accountant again and it was so nice to participate. There weren’t any problems with the order and as I checked the items off, I realized that there wasn’t one food item on the entire truck that I would eat. The order was full of hamburgers, pork, sausages, chicken and other sundry foods that I choose not to eat. It was a bit ironic that there was nothing I would eat in the entire order. Unloading the truck took longer than I had anticipated and with it thought, “Has the day ended already?” Time sure does move quickly and really today like most other days are not exactly action packed, yet the days go by rapidly.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” This is probably the most famous line from “Living the Wisdom of the Tao.” It really is a simplistic thought yet I know for myself I sometimes got overwhelmed with the “big picture”. However; now I understand the meaning of living one day at a time. Every goal is possible from here. The key is from here. One small step leads to another and so on. Before too long the journey has been completed and what was thought to be impossible became very possible. My life was a mess a short-time ago, but now it continues to improve with each passing day. My life is wonderful and I am grateful for this experience.

Moment by Moment

I was talking to my roommate about a myriad of topics. One of these topics was something I brought up from a letter I received from my mother a few weeks ago. She is incredible and has always been incredible all throughout my 42 years of existence. In this particular letter she asked me if I may need some type of counseling when I get out. This was truly a good question and I talked to my roommate about this subject. I can see why my mother asked and I can definitely see the need. In my current situation, I have been somewhat isolated and very much insulated from the “real world”. Thankfully, I have been receiving counseling/therapy ever since day one of this journey which has come from my recovery and more specifically Gamblers Anonymous. I have detailed my daily therapeutic ritual which consists of exercising and writing. In the early part of this journey, my exercising was limited but my writing was not. This is probably why those entries from early on are much longer and fraught with details than they are currently. Now I have much more therapy in my life with all the wonderful visits I receive. In those visits, the GA meetings are vital to my recovery. I really could go on and on about all the wonderful aspects in my life which have brought back my sanity and everyone of these starts and ends with recovery. Without recovery, I am a mess and with recovery my life continues to get better and better as each day goes by.

None of these therapies will go away when I am released on February 27, 2008. In fact these therapies will be enhanced because I will be able to get to a GA meeting on a consistent basis. I’m not sure if I will need a formalized counseling session, but it certainly is not a bad idea. I can see when I am reunited with my family that we see a professional counselor as a family visit. The facts will be that I have been removed from my family and society so much that currently I believe as long as I keep doing what I have been doing for the past two years and eight months, everything will continue to be better and better.

At this point, I would like to focus on today’s verse from Living the Wisdom of the Tao”. The title of the verse is “Living Without Difficulties”. The essence of this theme is the essence of the Gamblers Anonymous Program; “living one day at a time.” I found the correlations in the verse and the GA Program astounding. In the verse, Dr. Dyer writes about living in the present moment and it takes living one day at a time to another level which is living “Moment by moment.” Dr. Dyer stated, “There’s no such thing as difficulty when you live in the present moment, doing only what you can right now.” This is truly an amazing concept and one I have employed throughout my entire journey. Back when my journey started some 16 months ago, I said to myself, “You will get through this one step at a time.” It has been a series of steps from the beginning as I moved from the county jail to the reception center then to Jamestown and finally here. The next step in the process takes place on February 27th when I am released and move to Las Vegas where I will work for the Las Vegas Recovery Center.

The key in all of this for me was to take each step as it comes. I do realize I created difficulties on myself as these steps weren’t happening fast enough. However, now that I look back on it the steps happened exactly as they were supposed to. I am in a good place both physically and mentally. I am surrounded by very good people both inside and outside. I am blessed in innumerable ways. Everything continues to workout for the very best because I take life one moment at a time. Dr. Dyer gives an example of how a person gets through the long difficult process of giving birth to a child. The only way this can be accomplished is moment by moment. A Lao-tzu (the writer of the Tao) teaches, if you don’t attempt anything big, you will achieve greatness. Four days a week I run between 12 to 16 miles. I have always viewed this as taking one lap at a time and when I am finished I will have run between 12 to 16 miles and this two session goes by very quickly. In the passage today, Dr. Dyer cites his own exercise regimen as an example. Each morning he does an hour and a half of “hot yoga” meaning temperatures exceed 105 degrees. He takes the “moment by moment” approach and before he knows it the 90 minute session is completed. Another key is to eliminate any difficulty. “Look for the simplicity in what you call complicated by seeing that in this moment, it is not hard.” “Thinking small and getting big things done.”

In each verse, Dr. Dyer has a “Do the Tao Now” section which is an exercise. Today one of the suggestions was to “write the opening paragraph of your novel.” Here it goes:

It is a Wednesday, just like any other Wednesday. I just dropped off my 4 year old son at daycare and I am driving to work. This is not quite accurate because it is not like any other Wednesday. My brain is processing a billion scenarios and my legs can’t stop shaking. I drive down the freeway, but although I am physically present in my car, my mind is far-far away. Is the end here? Surely, it can’t be and there must be someway out? I have always gotten myself out of sticky situations in the past – so why not now? Should I tell the truth or stick to my lies? Have I exhausted all of my options or are there more? So many questions and I have little time for answers.
I pulled up to my parking spot when I noticed out of the corner of my eye, the Assistant Director of Security standing on the sidewalk. Is this unusual? I don’t think so. I get out of my car and start to walk into work when the Assistant Director approached me and apologetically says, “ I’m sorry, Paul, but I have to escort you to the Gaming Commission’s Office.” I know it is over. We walked and I thought to myself, “How did I get here?”

Alright that might be more than the first paragraph and it does need work. Also, I keep vacillating on where to start the novel between what I just wrote and the day I was sentenced. I may write an opening paragraph for the other option. At the very least this is a start and I can write “moment by moment” and ultimately it will be completed. It dos feel good starting it and I wholeheartedly agree living without difficult is the only way to go.

Urges?

Finally, something that wasn’t routine! It seems every evening I venture to the dining hall for dinner; however, last night I did not venture to the dining room for dinner. I ate in the friendly confines of my room with my roommate who secured some leftovers. After eating, I perused the Las Vegas Review Journal which is the Las Vegas newspaper. I had asked my mother if she could purchase a subscription for me, and even though the price is very high due to shipping costs, she purchased a four-week subscription of the Sunday newspaper. I was more interested in the prices to rent a house than anything. When I move to Las Vegas upon my release date, I will be living with two very dear friends; however, come next June when my wife and children come out, we will need a place to live. This is why I was trying to get an idea of the housing costs. Well, the prices are all over the place for similar houses in similar neighborhoods. I saw prices for 2500 square-foot houses in generally the same area range from a low of $1600 a month to a high of $3000 a month. I thought this to be some range! I do have a while before I enter the housing market ad who knows what the prices will be like next June. I did see many of the homebuilders’ advertisements where they were dropping prices significantly and offering many incentives. The hope prices are still much more expensive that when we bought our first house 10 years ago. The prices have doubled and then some. These prices are closely related to the prices of homes in southern California. To me, this doesn’t make sense because Las Vegas doesn’t appear to have the population to sustain these types of prices. Apparently, this is true because the boom has gone bust quite rapidly. I know we will be back in our own house very soon, and if the real estate market in Las Vegas continues its downward trend, this will happen sooner as opposed to later.

I finished with the paper and read a few chapters of “Tell No One.” It appears my normal bedtime of 10:00 p.m. is a thing of the past because now I can barely make it to 9:00 p.m. My roommate fell asleep at 8:30 p.m. At this rate, we will be going to sleep right after dinner in a few months! I don’t mind this at all because I have been getting up earlier, and I do prefer the early mornings as opposed to the evenings. This morning I was up early and headed to the weight area. My roommate joined me after about 30 minutes, and he was my personal trainer. Then it was off to the pancake breakfast and then to the cleaning of the bathrooms. In the afternoon, I hiked the hill for 1-1/2 hours as the weather was so beautiful with bright sunny skies and temperatures in the high 70’s.

Last night, I received two letters from my mother and in one was something that exemplified her thoughtfulness. In the other was a very nice letter and something regarding this blog. Apparently, my mom asked for constructive criticism about the blog, and she received limited responses. There were two responses that my mother included. One was from my very dear friend in the great white north who wrote a very eloquent response, and I am grateful for that response and friendship. The other response was from my sister who asked a very good question, “I am interested in hearing about when he does have the urge to gamble, what is he feeling.” Yes, this is a very good question, and in two years, eight months, and eight days I have yet to experience an urge. I doubt if this is typical of a recovering compulsive gambler, but my situation has been anything but typical since entering recovery. My life was turned upside down, and I had (and still have) so many things going on that I didn’t have an urge to gamble. This doesn’t mean I will never get an urge to gamble. I do believe my biggest test will come when life starts to even out, better known as getting back to normal. This is when the urges may come, and I must be mindful of what I had gone through to get where I will be. I must continue to “play the tape all the way through.” I know one small insignificant bet will lead to my ultimate demise. I do remind myself of this daily, which could be one of the reasons why I have not had an urge. Also, I must retain honesty in my life because the dishonesty and gambling go hand in hand. I am happily in recovery, and this is my new way of life. I can liken this to when a person goes on a diet and loses a lot of weight and then goes off the diet and gains some of the weight back. My diet (recovery) is a lifelong process performed one day at a time. As long as I abstain from gambling and live an honest positive life, everything will continue to get better. One last analogy; I believe my compulsive gambling addiction was exorcised from me when all of this came crashing down on me and I entered the Gamblers Anonymous program. This has changed and continues to change my life for the better.

The more I think about this the more I am a bit perplexed as to why I have not had an urge. I do remember many people asking me when they found out that I don’t eat meat, “Don’t you get an urge for a steak?” The answer to that question is the same as to the question about urges to gamble, “No, never.” I haven’t had a piece of red meat in over 17 years, and I have no desire. I have been asked if I ever get urges to eat a piece of chocolate. The answer is the same, “No never.” I’m not sure if there is a correlation to any of this so I go back to the fact that I believe this is atypical of a compulsive gambler. This does not mean I am not a compulsive gambler or any less than other compulsive gamblers. I AM a compulsive gambler, and thankfully, I am recovering each and every day. In summary, I really can’t answer my sister’s question, but I will remain mindful of it if and when these urges arrive.

"Living by Thrift and Moderation"

Everything is moving right along, and last evening was, hopefully, the last fire-meal dinner of the season. I didn’t eat much and went back to my room where I ate the leftover Boca burger while trying to listen to “60 Minutes” on the radio. Since the broadcast is coming from San Francisco, there are good days and bad days. I tried to listen but became frustrated because of the static. I turned off the radio and read a recent edition of Men’s Health. This was the highlight of my evening along with the fact that I was able to talk with my roommate when he returned from the fire meal.

I am thankful for my roommate because we do speak almost every evening, mostly about the comings and goings of his day. We have agreed that there are so many bizarre things that seem o happen, and at times, I do feel like I am living in a Seinfeld episode. When we do speak about these, we do put things into perspective as this is a temporary experience for everyone. Everyone here has a release date, be it tomorrow or five years from now. Incidentally, the longest any inmate can serve at a fire camp is five years. Yes, there are some guys with 2011 and 2012 release dates. This does help put things into perspective, and having patience is most certainly a requisite. At this point for me, I would literally stand on my head for the next 100- and-some days, so I may be a little more temporary than others. I have reached a point where the little things (which are just about everything) do not bother me at all. I have developed a very solid routine (or program as it is known in prison jargon), and the days are passing soon enough. There have been some very slight blips in the road over the past two weeks that are not worth mentioning. All is very well, and I continue to be very grateful for this experience.

Sleep came fairly easily, and it was my usual sleeping pattern. As I ran this morning, my thoughts drifted to yesterday as it was the running of the New York City Marathon. My plan was to run this two years ago. Well, “things” happened, and that did not happen. It is my intention to run this next year, and it will happen. It is funny how much has happened in my life in the last three years, and all have been very positive. Once again, I am blessed with this awakening, and everything continues to work out for the very best.

It was on to, hopefully, the last fire meal breakfast and then on to clean the bathrooms. The highlight of my workday was my new squeegee which required a lot less effort and yielded much better results. The highlight of my whole day came while I was writing. The two deer who have been frequent visitors to the camp over the past few weeks came within 20 feet of me. They even glanced at me while continuing to look for food. They appeared very calm and peaceful. This was certainly a nature moment, and I was grateful for the serenity. This is yet another example of how everything continues to work out for the very best. I was sentenced almost 16 months ago, and this sentence was punishment for my misdeeds. The biggest form of punishment is being separated from my family, but I have been so fortunate to have been put in a place where deer can prance 20 feet away from me, and I am grateful.
This brings me to “Living by thrift and moderation” which is a verse in “Living the Wisdom of Tao.” I never espoused either of these virtues before recovery. There were so many interesting points in the verse such as, “When you cultivate a style of leadership that creates a good store of virtue, then nothing is impossible, for there are no limits.” Thanks to recovery, I am cultivating a good store of virtue, and I, too, believe nothing in impossible. Another interesting point, “People whose lives are run by rules, dogma, and fear can only do what they’ve been told to do and nothing more.” This sound like the methodology of prison, and in some ways it is; however, no longer will I succumb to fear. Fear has no place in my life. I am no longer fearful of my past, present, and future. I am on the right track and embrace each day, which I will continue to do one day at a time.

Fabulous Friends

With breakfast over I anxiously awaited the arrival of my fabulous friends. The first wave of visitors arrived and my name wasn’t announced. This was a bit unusual because my friends are always one of the first to arrive. A few more minutes went by and my name was called. I walked down to the visiting and saw my remarkable friends. I was greeted with warm embraces and my heart was filled as I sat with them. Yes, they came heavily armed with food and my dear friend made eggplant in hopes to satiate my finicky appetite. This certainly satisfied me as the eggplant was delicious. Really, the eggplant was the icing on the cake as I had a great 3 ½ hours with my two wonderful friends. I love these two people with all my heart. Life is certainly full of wonderments and a scant 3 years ago I didn’t know them. Now not only do I know them, but my life is so much better knowing them. Eventually, the conversation centered on recovery and I enjoyed every moment.

The time seems to accelerate on these visits and it was time for them to head home. I was informed that the reason the GA meeting did not take place last week was one of my friends received some misinformation when they called regarding the visits for last week. Unfortunately, this type of thing happens and it is out of my control. The Sunday GA meeting/visit will reconvene next week and as always I look forward to it very much.

My fabulous friends departed but not before warm hugs were given. These are incredible people and I do love them very much. They walked to their car and I stayed behind (obviously). I waved to them as they drove off. I remained in the visiting area for the next 30 minutes having a very nice conversation. People are amazing (in a good way!) and this conversation was indeed very good. After the conversation, I headed back to camp and watched the NFL game of the year between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts. It should be an interesting few months leading up to the Super Bowl in February.

Release Date Official!

The counselor had arrived and I was ecstatic to see her. I was finally called and I went into the office. I was very impressed because the Counselor remembered my name. This really is no small feat as she sees over 200 inmates on a sporadic basis. As I sat down I was handed some paperwork. This was the paperwork I submitted for the recalculation of my EPRD –estimated, parole, release date. I quickly scanned the bundle of paper and noticed that the person who responded did agree with me that an error had been made. The new date of February 27, 2008 is indeed my official ERPD. This saves me four days from the original March 2, 2008 date and now I can officially say I get out in February. When my wife comes out, I will have three months remaining and when my mother comes out, I will have 38 days and a wake up.

The second order of business was starting the paperwork for my parole to be transferred to Nevada. Strangely or maybe better stated ironically, my mother had just sent me the identical form just yesterday – Interstate Transfer Compact. The Counselor took all the necessary information and will type it up. All I have to do is sign the form when she comes back – hopefully – in two weeks.

The Counselor told me that only one person was denied a transfer because that person lied about having a record in the transferring state. All other transfers have gone through and Nevada is part of the compact with California. Also, the facts that I have a place to live and a place to work are in my favor. The question of restitution was not addressed and I do believe the Counselor knows my case fairly well since there was additional paperwork accompanied. I did ask when I would find out if the transfer will be approved. The answer was a bit distressing as I won’t know until February 27th or possibly one week earlier. I was told I won’t know any earlier than this as all communications go through Sacramento to Carson City. I do believe everything will work out for the best. It will be fantastic to step right into a job when I am released and not be bound to the state of California. Of course I will still be apart from my family as they remain in NJ until the school year finishes. The other option would be to transfer my parole to NJ; however, California does not have a reciprocity agreement with NJ nor do I have any job prospects. Taking that one step further, even though I burned my bridges due to my actions, I have built and rebuilt so many others. These bridges all reside either in Las Vegas or southern California. I certainly have an incredible family who has been wonderful through all this and I am grateful for everyone.

Although I will be separated from my family, I will be able to visit them a few times before we reunite next June. These details will be worked out in due time and I can’t wait to be back together. My daughter will be making her first communion in late April next year and I fully intend to be there as she makes that sacrament. Next year is shaping up to be an incredible time and I am looking forward to the start.

I wrote a letter to my wife and this was the first "non-traditional" letter in a very long time. My wife is extremely busy with day to day life and doesn't have time to write so I certainly don't expect a reply. Each week for the past two months I have written to both of my children and this won't stop until I am released. I "owed" my wife a letter since we really haven't communicated in awhile. We will have a great deal to communicate about when she comes for the family visit at the end of this months which I am very much looking forward to. Also, in the letter I wrote today I put in an order for the food on the visit. Yes, I am still "a pain in the ass" about my food, but my wife still loves me. I don't care about the food as much as I care about being her for three consecutive days.

It is now November and in four weeks from today, I will be holding, hugging, and kissing my wife at the family visit. I can’t wait!