"Hard" Work

It was time for the Monday evening Gamblers Anonymous “topic” meeting yesterday evening. The topic was “hard work and repayment of our debts” as it relates to our recovery in the GA Program. According to Gamblers Anonymous the best way to “financial” recovery is through hard work and repayment of our debts and bailouts of any kind are detrimental to recovery. These topic meetings are quite interesting and thought provoking. Often times I would like to be given the topic a day in advance so I could spend some time thinking about what that particular topic means to me but the meeting is designed to come up with our own thoughts when provided with the topic.

I did my best to come up with my own thoughts and it certainly was not one of my best therapies. The word “hard” connotes to me something that is difficult and in a sense this gives it a negative connotation. It is just an adjective and really shouldn’t mean much to mean to me; however; as I seek a positive existence I do my best to stay away from any negative connotations. I understand the emphasis of the word “hard” as it relates to this subject in Gamblers Anonymous. Often in my gambling career I sought the easy way to do things so coming into the program I needed to learn a different approach to life.

I do believe it doesn’t come down to whether something is hard or even easy; it comes down to it just is. My first “speed bump” or “alarm” in my compulsive gambling career came at an early age and I was bailed out of that particular situation. In retrospect and applying the principles of the program this was certainly the wrong approach. There is not one thing I can do about this now as it occurred over 20 years ago. No one had a crystal ball that told the story of how I would end up in prison 20 years later because I certainly didn’t learn anything from that first episode. I did learn many things from that first episode and none of those things were constructive. I learn I had to hide my compulsive gambling and I had to deny that I was indeed a compulsive gambler.

I denied for such a long that when my second episode arrived 10 years after the first episode again I was given a “bailout” and didn’t learn the right way. I continued to deny and hide my compulsive gambling addiction and this led to the third (and final!!) episode which landed me a stay in the California Prison System. I would have to fairly stupid not to learn from this episode but quite frankly if it weren’t for Gamblers Anonymous and recovery I doubt very much I would have learned even being separated from my family for 2 years and having my freedom taken away.

My denial was so strong I had to have handcuffs around my wrists and I had to be placed in a place I never in a million years thought I would ever experience. I lost a great deal of monetary items and a great deal of time especially being separated from my family. I continue to learn that those monetary/materialistic items don’t mean anything. I know I can never get back that time I have missed with my family but I can and I will continue to make the most of the time I have with them and everything else. It truly has been a new awakening and this new beginning is awesome.

The original topic of “hard work and repayments of our debts” does make complete sense to me because this is the way it needs to be. However; the work is not hard nor easy it is just what it is. My financial recovery is much slower then my emotional recovery which I find to be a positive. I know the financial aspects will continue to get better because I have removed a huge hindrance to financial recovery which I now no longer gamble so the prospects of my life continue to improve.

The meeting concluded with a thought provoking scenario; “Bad news—you are going to die tomorrow. Good news---I can give you five more years. Bad news---it is going to cost you everything (that is materialistically). What do you do? This is a no brainer because time is the most precious commodity in the universe. Time is constant and continues to tick on by (there goes another second!) and if I can spend a millisecond more with my family I would do it.

Time does tick on by and it is what I do with this time that decides whether or not I am living with a positive purpose. In the end (the very end!) no one is concerned with the amount of money in the bank or all the material items that have accumulated over the years; it is what those years have produced in terms of real human values. My life is not about accumulating things it is about having meaning for myself and for my family; and this meaning must be positive. It is with this positive purpose I go forth one day at a time.

I spent the rest of the evening trying to configure my laptop to the wireless internet and I was not very successful. I elicited the help of an expert and even this expert was perplexed. I did learn a few things about configuring a computer and how to find certain codes within the computer so all wasn’t lost. My computer expertise is limited at best but last night I got a crash course which may have not accomplished the ultimate goal but I did get something out of it anyhow.

Instead of turning on the television I picked up a book. The book I started over two months ago; Harlan Coben’s “The Innocent”. His writing style is so good that within seconds of reading the entire storyline came back to me without any provocation. This seemed to work much better as a sleep aid instead of the television. I found myself growing tired and put the book down where I fell asleep within minutes. I woke up very refreshed and ready for my morning exercise routine. I made my way to the gym and my shins were feeling good enough to attempt a run. I am in the “taper” phase of my running regimen as the marathon is only less then two weeks away so the running isn’t nearly as intense as it was a week ago.

I did step up my intensity just to see how my shins would react and the shins did come through very well. I am gearing myself up for the marathon in a week from Sunday and now I just need to register before the price goes up again. The workout was very good and much less intense then my usual but it was still demanding. I was ready for another workday and when I got to work I had a smile on my face. This smile faded slightly as a scenario arose which has arisen in the past but I quickly shook it off. I have no control of others as much as I want to exert this control I cannot and I do accept this fact so there is no reason for me to get upset. Everything does happen for a reason and I am maintaining that positive attitude and positive things will continue to happen.