"Meltdowns"

It seemed as if both of my children were having “meltdowns” when I was speaking with them this afternoon. I don’t get to experience this often and it really has been a very long time since I there was a “meltdown” within my earshot but it happened today. I spoke with my daughter first and she seemed fine but as she handed the telephone over to her 7 year old brother the “meltdown” ensued. All I could make it was screaming and the words, “she kicked me”. The “fun” started from there. My son was reluctant to come to the telephone and it sounded much like a two year old not a seven year old. With some coaxing from my wife my son did come to the telephone and he proceeded to continue the two year old semi-tirade. This is difficult when being physically present so being 3,000 miles away makes it next to impossible. I could only rely on my words and nothing else.

I am a big believer in body action/language and this seemed to be an effective parenting method up until two years ago when I could no long rely on my physical presence. Make no mistake I don’t have a menacing physical presence quite the contrary but I do have a booming voice and some very good body language when needed. The booming voice doesn’t work on the telephone and the body language is also superfluous. I had to wait until the ruckus passed and the “meltdowns” were over only to hear my wife say, “welcome to my world”. In spite of this particular situation I do believe we have two wonderful children; however; these wonderful children do have their “moments” and this was certainly a “moment”.

I was surprised at the reaction of my son who did revert into a two year old and my daughter who went right to screaming like a crazy person. The past two years hasn’t been easy on any of them including my wife and I certainly can’t wait for the next month to pass so I can experience these “meltdowns” live and in person!! I am being serious because I want so much to be there with them and it now is literary a matter of weeks before we are reunited. I may have been preoccupied with my compulsive gambling but I thought I did an adequate job as a father always being there. I did have 16 months of being in recovery while my family was still with me and I do believe my parenting skills increased. However; now it has been awhile and my wife has been in charge for these past two years and I am eternally grateful to my wife for providing normalcy to our children.

It hasn’t been a secret that our children act differently around their mother then they do around me. My daughter stated the other day that she “isn’t afraid of her mother” and often tunes her out but she is a “little scared” of me. It is not my intention to “scare” or “frighten” our children. My wife and I just want our children to be respectful and it appears both of them have been a little less respectful to my wife and their grandmother recently. I don’t know what to attribute this to; the close quarters, the overall situation or something else but the fact of the matter is our children are doing something we don’t want them to do. There is not a whole lot I can do from this end other then to talk with them which is what I did this afternoon. I say things like “be respectful” and “what does being respectful mean?” to our children. My daughter is able to answer my questions but my son gives me the “I don’t know” quite often.

At this point all I can do is to be patient and know within a matter of weeks we will be together and hope the disrespect and meltdowns don’t get worse. This has been a difficult transition for everyone and I am eagerly awaiting our reunion as a family unit. It isn’t until this time that I can do anything other then talk to my children. The meltdown seemed to subside but we do have issues that will need to be addressed at some point. In the meantime my wife continues to do the best the she can under the circumstances and no matter the meltdowns our children are showered with love.

Yesterday evening I reversed my workout day once again. I had time between getting off work and my Wednesday evening dinner plans so I made my way over to the gym. This week I didn’t see anyone from my past and the workout was very good. After the workout I made my way to my dear friends’ restaurant where I had a wonderful meal and great conversation. This is a standing “dinner date” with my dear friends who remain friends in spite of my past. These are true friends who did not abandon their thoughts of me even after my misdeeds became public. Life is often peculiar as it progresses because these dear friends were made as I was in a certain place at a certain time. I think the word is kismet because all the stars seemed to line up for me and my dear friends as we met for the first time over 6 years ago. We have kept in touch over the years and now I have dinner with them on Wednesday evenings.

The night was longer then usual and I arrived home much later then usual. I only had a few minutes to speak with another dear friend and it was then time to go to sleep. Since I had worked out hard yesterday evening the prospect of me getting up to workout again early in the morning was very slim. I did sleep-in and I seemed more tired then usual. I finally dragged myself out of bed and made my way into work.

There are days we seem to go by so quickly and there are other days which seem to drag. Today was one of those days that went by so quickly. I wanted to do some errands this afternoon but never got around to those errands as I seemed busy with work matters. This is very good and I have to admit something very positive is happening at work. I can’t quite put my finger on it but all of these prospects are swirling about and one of these prospects actually came to fruition yesterday. This time of year is very slow because we are sort of on the state’s fiscal calendar and since most of the state money has run out we need to wait until July 1st before we can get rolling. However; yesterday unexpectedly one of the state agencies gave us the go-ahead to start one of these programs early and also may give us more money in the meantime. I took this as very positive news and made my day busier then the previous day.

I am eternally grateful for this position because my boss has given me the opportunity to prove myself once again. Yes, there are struggles but I do feel these struggles will all work out for the very best. I am in an unusual position because had the Center been in a better financial position I wouldn’t have had this opportunity so there is a reason for everything. I know everything will workout for the very best because it continues to do so each and everyday as I embrace recovery.