My "Wants" and "Needs" of the Program

Monday evening continued after the softball ended as I headed directly to the Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s meeting. I am very grateful I agreed to Secretary this meeting because had I not been the Secretary I doubt very much that I would have went directly from my daughter’s softball game to the meeting. A dear friend made a comment to me that I might be spreading myself “thin” with all of the children’s activities, work and Gamblers Anonymous. I don’t know about spreading myself thin but I can say that this is the time I need and want Gamblers Anonymous in my life. It was relatively easy to attend meetings when I wasn’t working on a full time and basis and waiting for my sentencing. I went to many meetings and did receive a great foundation while I spent those 19 ½ months “away”.

I have always believed that my biggest “obstacle” would occur when things in my life were going well. It is clear this has been my “M.O.” over the years. I first got myself into trouble when I was 18 years old and got out of that situation thanks to my family but didn’t seek any type of long lasting recovery. Yes, I abstained from gambling for a number of years but when things were going very well in my life I found myself right back into that same situation. Once again when I was 28 years old I got “bailed” out from my gambling debts by claiming bankruptcy. This second time was no “charm” as I did abstain from gambling for a few years but once again when things were going very well in my life I found myself faced with even worst problems.

I had (thankfully I still have!) a great family and with the births of my daughter and then my son I had all I would ever need but this wasn’t enough. I started gambling without the thought of the consequences what it would do to my family and certainly me because I had no recovery. I had that “great” job I aspired to and things on the exterior were very good; however; on the interior I was lying, cheating and stealing. Thankfully on that third and hopefully (God I sure hope so!) my last foray into the undesirable I found Gamblers Anonymous and my life continues to be saved each and every day. This is exactly why I need to spread myself “thin” and attend meetings along with staying connected to the program. It would be so easy to say I went to a meeting on Sunday so I don’t have to go to another meeting this week but since I am the Secretary I have accountability and responsibility to the group and more importantly myself.

These are key ingredients in my recovery; accountability and responsibility because let’s face it I was not accountable nor was I responsible when I was lying, cheating and stealing to those people that I love. Things are going amazingly well in my life and I do believe everything continues to happen for a reason. I am beyond grateful that my wife decided to come back from New Jersey so we all could live together as a family. My wife is doing amazingly well with her new job having gone from working two days a week to working all five days. Her hours are the same so she can be home when the children get home from school and having the income is certainly a welcomed relief.

I do remember my father telling me that I needed to get out of this area because this is where all the bad things happened and my name is tarnished. When my father told me this a few years ago I had my standard internal response of “I’ll show you” but it isn’t about “showing” anybody; it is about doing the right things. I am blessed with an incredible network of friends all thanks to recovery because without this recovery that network doesn’t exist. I have no idea how all the good things that have happened in the past year would have happened in another location and I am not the “pariah” that could have very well have happened. I am so happy to be in such a loving supportive area and without this love and support who knows what would have happened.

The speaker’s meeting on Monday evening was indeed wonderful as the speaker who is yet another dear friend in the program spoke. I have heard this story many times before but each time it seems more compelling. Compulsive gambling is a baffling insidious disease and when the outcomes are prison, insanity or death (in some cases all three) it does point out that a program of recovery is necessary. I am honored to have found this program as it continues to save my life each and every day.