Mom's Return Visit (Part Two)

Today was almost a mirror image of yesterday. After spending most of last night talking with my roommate about the wonderful visit with my mother and friends, I went off to sleep with a smile on my face. I slept all the way through until it was time for my workout in the very cold air. We had a very good workout session and once again it was time to get ready for the second part of my mom’s return visit. Talk about identical days as my mother and friends arrived at the same time they arrived on Saturday. The temperature was decidedly lower than the day before so a fire was needed in the fire pit. Prior to starting the fire, I was once again greeted by warm hugs all around.

The day was fantastic as we spoke about their evening with two other wonderful friends of mine. It truly is amazing how everything continues to workout for the very best as my mom and friends had dinner with two other friends. These dear friends have been nothing short of incredible with their support over these past three years. All these people who have given me such unbelievable support were all having dinner together. Even though I was not there, I could feel the love all around. I am so happy they all got together and had a wonderful evening.

Today’s visit went so quickly and I seemed to stuff my face more so than the previous day. I ate the bagel my mom brought followed by a fuji apple, flaxseed tortilla chips, trail mix and other assorted goodies. The special surprise came in the form of homemade pasta primavera made by my dear friend and transported all the way from Vegas. I was so fortunate to have eaten the best eggplant parm and the best pasta primavera over the past two days. Again I ate the entire serving in the large tray. It was extremely delicious and it was also accompanied with ciabatta bread.

The conversation flowed freely once again and the day went so very quickly. We did have time to play a board game – “Scattegories”. This does require the players to use their brains and it appears my brain needs a little work. It took me awhile to get going but I did have fun. Where the time goes on these visits – I don’t know. Before I knew it, the visit was ending. The last hour was quite funny as some scheming was going on and in the big picture of life this little “scheme” certainly meant nothing. However, it did keep the four of us occupied. The “scheme” was successful and in the category of much to do about nothing, it was much to do about nothing!

I had mixed emotions as the visit ended because they had to depart. I was certainly sad to see them go but I am that much closer to my release date. In little over one month I will be released and although I won’t be with my mother or these dear friends it is so nice to know I can all them at anytime without recorded interruptions. I was thinking about this as the visit progressed over the weekend. Outside of my wife and my family these friends who came this weekend have been a part of my life for a significant period of time. In fact, I have known my wife for over 25 years and I have known these dear friends for over 30 years. They have been a large part of my life. They were instrumental when I went off to college at the University of southern California and were instrumental when I moved out to Las Vegas. These are wonderful friends who have been with me for a very long time and I love them very much. As for my mother – what more can I say that I haven’t said. She has been remarkable through all of this and I love her so very much. She has been there in so many ways for my family and myself. She has taught me a valuable lesson of unconditional love and I will never forget this lesson. These are some of the many blessings in my life and I am so appreciative. I am so grateful for this weekend and I am so ready to start my life anew. I will continue to take one day at a time.

My mom and friends walked to the car and I walked back to camp. We waved to one another and just like that the visit had come and gone. Life does go by quickly which is why I believe it is best to enjoy every moment. These moments over this weekend were very special and everything is moving along quite nicely. I walked back into camp with a smile on my face and a very full belly!

I headed into the television room so I could watch the Giants and Packers play. I couldn’t help to think of my son who was back in NJ watching the game with his uncles. I was pleasantly surprised to see the Giants play well and win the game. It was very entertaining and I found myself rooting for the Giants. I also found myself thinking about one of my dear friends who visited this weekend who is a big Giants fan. He was driving back to Vegas and I hoped he had a chance to see some of the game. As it turned out he was able to catch the end. The three hours I watched, I was transcended to another place thinking of my son. I do look forward to sharing football games and so much more with him in the coming years. The future is exceedingly bright – thanks to the fact I no longer have a financial interest in the outcome of these games which feels great. Enjoying as entertainment makes so much sense and I am finally there. Now the Giants are going to the Superbowl in two weeks to face the undefeated Patriots. It will be a tall order for the Giants to win, but win or lose they had a great season and their fans should be very proud!

It was a great weekend all the way through. The visit was magnificent and now I have only 5 weekends remaining. The time is coming where I will be back in the free world and I certainly cannot wait. I would like to thank my mom and dear friends for a wonderful weekend. Thank you so very much!!!

Mom's Return Visit (Part One)

I have eagerly been anticipating this day ever since my mother informed me four months ago that she would be coming back for a return visit. The early morning came very quickly and for the first time in a long time I remained in bed all night long. The early morning brought the regular exercise routine with my roommate. The temperature outside dipped below freezing, but this didn’t deter us and we had a very good workout routine.

As the workout session ended I had a few minutes to spare before I “waved off” for breakfast. I effectively used this time by shaving, taking an extra long shower and getting ready. I also wanted to greet my mother and dear friends on an empty stomach. I was ready for the visit as the visiting center opened. I figured they would arrive 30 minutes after the visiting center opened and this is when they arrived. I heard my name announced over the loudspeaker and happily headed toward the visiting area. I caught a glimpse of all three of them as I walked into the visiting area.

I was quickly greeted with warm hearty hugs all around. It was so good to see my mother and friends. A sense of warmth came over me as soon as I saw them. It was wonderful to be with them all day. The visit was incredible and so reminiscent of the days we would all spend together when I was younger. My mother looked great (as usual) and our dear friends are awesome. The conversation flowed freely from serious topics to very light hearted topics. The day flew by and I still can’t believe 5 ½ hours could go so quickly. My roommate even came down to the visiting area to meet my mother and friends. I am so glad he had the opportunity to meet everyone because he has become a good friend.

I received a surprise from another dear friend who made eggplant parmiagiana for me. I haven’t had this eggplant in quite awhile and it was as delicious (I think it was even more delicious!) as I have remembered it to be. This was a wonderful surprise and I ate the entire tray by myself. I continue to be surrounded by so many thoughtful, caring, and loving people. This made the very special day even more special and I am so grateful for all the love in my life.

The sun was shining brilliantly and the temperature was in the 60’s. It was a bright beautiful day weather wise and it was a bright and beautiful day with the company I shared. It had been four months since I last saw my mom and my dear friends and we picked up right where we left off. It is so wonderful when we get together because so often one of us will start a story – yet that story remains unfinished as we skip to another story/topic. I believe this is what makes the time go quickly because there is so much conversation and never a dull moment. My mother is so cute as she commented that I looked very well and very healthy. (I guess prison has been good to me!) She went on to state I should think about staying longer. This was funny and although I do feel great and have peace of mind I am very much looking forward to taking this with me into the “real world.” As much as I am going to miss my roommate and would like to stay with him until his release on September 1st, I have a life to rebuild my life and it is going to be amazing. I must admit I probably have the best color in my face that I have ever had in my life. I do get outside everyday – combined with the exercise and my somewhat positive eating habits, gives my face a “healthy look.” It certainly does appear that this Odyssey which I once thought could be so negative, has turned out extraordinarily positive in so many different ways.

The visit was ending and as we cleaned up the table, I wasn’t sad because I would see them again tomorrow. My mother mentioned something about another surprise tomorrow and I certainly can’t wait to se them again. I would like to touch on something my dear friend said to me. We were discussing a number of topics (as usual) and somehow we got on to discussing me. My friend told me I need to stop blaming myself. I really thought I have moved past this but the more we spoke about this, the more I realized I have to put it behind me. Yes, I mad a huge “boo-boo” (as my dear friend stated) but I am doing everything in my power to recover. I will stop blaming myself and if I start up again, I hope someone will let me know or as we say in prison “check” me. I have so much to be grateful for such as an incredible day like today. Everything does happen for a reason and I love the way my life is headed. I couldn’t say this a few years ago and yes my life is wonderful. I love everyone in my life so very much!

Constantly Looking Over my Shoulder

Something has gotten into me as I speak with my wife on the telephone. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I have an idea where it stems from. Last night was another example of being just not very nice while speaking with her. I had called her so she could relay a message to my good friend who intended to visit me this weekend. I just wanted to make him aware that my mother and friends would be visiting this weekend as well. Of course, my good friend could come, but if he didn’t want to I would understand. After we got this out of the way, my wife told me about her day which wasn’t so good. It seemed everything she did was wrong and I could feel the exacerbation in her voice. She then proceeded to tell me she went to look at a place where she was thinking about having our daughter’s communion party. When my wife first mentioned this - my radar went up because earlier in the week my wife was lamenting the fact that she needed money quickly because the bills were piling up and with no permanent job her financial situation was quite precarious. Then she told me the cost of the party and I made a very direct matter of fact comment that didn’t sit too well. There is no need to get into the particulars, but I will say I was shocked to hear my wife considering this expensive event. Of course, in a previous life not too long away, cost was not necessarily spoken about. However, now this has become a large factor because of lack of funds.

As I was making my comments, I was sort of looking over my own shoulder. I often wonder if my previous actions give everyone a free pass. Let me try to explain – what right do I have to question cost because it was me who caused all these problems. My wife has never said anything remotely close to this to me. This is just me constantly looking over my shoulder. I do my best to move past this and become a regular person, but sometimes I get myself caught up. My wife is struggling financially because of what I did. I know better to place blame on anyone especially myself. In the great words of that grand philosopher, “It is what it is.” Unfortunately, the reality for my wife and me is to mind our financial P’s and Q’s. It is difficult for me to say the things I said last night but this is the reality. We truly cannot afford a lavish or even a semi-lavish communion party. However, I sensed a large portion of my wife who really wants this.

As “they” say – “There lies the rub” as we have two opposing views. Neither one of us became argumentative because we are two passive people. My wife is more so than me but believe me I am very passive and in years gone by my “tactic” has been to be passive aggressive. I could sense my wife withdrawing and getting tense. As of late she has been very tense and more negative than I have ever heard in the past. She hasn’t been negative towards me in any way, shape, or form – just to life in general. There have been very uncharacteristic comments as my wife is usually positive. Obviously, the financial burden is bothering her tremendously and no one can blame her for that. Hopefully, when I am released some of these burdens will alleviate and my wife can get back to her old self. I have said this many times before and I will keep saying it, “Everything will work out for the very best as it does everyday.”

We received the “60 seconds remaining on your call” warning and we began to wrap things up. I offered up my usual “I love you” and “I miss you” as did my wife, but there was a certain tension in her voice. The call ended and as I walked back to my room, I replayed the entire conversation. I did tell my roommate about the conversation and we talked for awhile. He is a good listener, but I think I was in search of a more neutral party. I wasn’t looking for validation of my comments or the situation. I guess I was looking for how to move forward from here. I do trust and believe all things happen for a reason but hearing the unevenness of my wife’s voice makes me feel very bad. The financial realities ahead of us are challenging and I am more than ready for the challenge. I look forward to the free world and cherishing every moment of everyday. Life no matter what – does move forward and I believe in my Higher Power to lead the way.

Of course I was wide awake at 3:00 am replaying the entire conversation with y wife in my head. I wasn’t second guessing myself as I was searching for solutions. It appears my wife’s mindset and mine are different when it comes to material items. I no longer care about the nice house, nice car or the corner office. I care about being with my wife and children. I also no longer need to keep up with the Joneses with the lavish parties and latest electronic equipment. Yes, this is very easy for me to say sitting at fire camp insulated and isolated from the “real world.” My intention is to carry these thoughts as I enter the material world. Please don’t misunderstand – I am not about to disavow all worldly pleasures and join a monastery. I am trying to strike a balance. I realize many fo the material items are just temporary and only bring temporary happiness. Is my daughter going to need lifelong therapy if she doesn’t have a large communion party? By the same token will my daughter require lifelong therapy if she does have the large communion party? I can’t answer either question, I can only do what is best for my family and in my opinion, spending more money than needs to be spent is not the wisest decision. I’m not about to force or coerce my wife into something she doesn’t want to do. I do want this to be a joint decision or did I lose all my decision making ability when my current odyssey started almost 3 years ago? Again, I hope this is not the case because then it becomes unfair to everyone.

I remained awake until it was time to go and exercise outside. I just couldn’t turn off my brain. I did compose a letter to my wife and my words are much better than when I speak to her. I find writing things down (especially like these) is much easier than the spoken word. I think it might be beneficial to both of us if I communicated via letters for the next 39 days! This way I won’t have to write apology letters. Of course, I am being facetious and do love the sound of my wife’s voice and of course the voices of my children.

I suspect there are more of these bumps ahead and we will get through this together. At least come the end of next month, we will be able to communicate much more often than the previous 19 ½ months. Everything seems to be a work in progress, but I prefer to call it beauty in training because our life together will be more beautiful than it has ever been.

Double Booked?

During mail call yesterday evening, I received three letters. One letter was from my good friend who visited me back in October. It was a very brief letter informing me he would be coming out to visit me this coming weekend. This was a surprise, and with my mother coming this weekend as well, it appears I am double booked. The slight ironic twist to this is my good friend will be driving in from Las Vegas as will my mother and our dear friends. I realize my good friend cannot make a weekend of it as my mother is doing so carpooling does not appear to be an option; however, that would have worked out well because my good friend lives within a few miles of my dear friends’ house. When my good friend visited in October, he mentioned that he would like to come back most likely at the beginning of this year. This was very nice, and I am looking forward to his return visit. This weekend does pose a challenge because my mother and our friends will be here. They all met each other at my son’s christening some seven years ago.
I don’t want to tell my friend not to come because this sounds disingenuous. I am grateful he is come back, but any other weekend than this weekend would work out much better. I don’t have my friend’s telephone number, so I need to call my wife to tell her to call my good friend about the double booking. I’m fairly certain all the parties won’t mind if they all arrived on the same day, but it would be great to have another visit to look forward to in the coming weeks. I do have six weekends remaining, and four of these do have visits scheduled, especially with the very dear friends from GA with the meeting/visits. I do know it will all work out for the best.
I did try to call my wife at lunchtime but was unable to reach her. I will try again this evening. I did call the reporter at lunchtime, and we once again went through the 15 minutes very quickly. The questions turned to9 my current activities here at fire camp and about the overall system I am in. She asked me about what types of rehabilitation there are for inmates, and I gave the sad answer of “there aren’t any.” The system is name the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitations. The last part is in name only because I haven’t witnessed any state sponsored rehabilitation. I didn’t feel comfortable elaborating while spoke on the telephone because I must be careful with the words I choose in this forum, which is why I won’t go any further on the subject.
The day was the usual for me, and I received information on my denial of the transfer of parole. I was assisted in finding even further information about this topic. As it turns out, the California Penal Code does specifically state, “No parolee may be released on parole to reside in any other receiving state if the parolee is subject to an unsatisfied order of restitution to a victim or a restitution fine within the sending state.” This is what I wanted to see, and there it was in black and white. There are, however, possible remedies to this as were listed in the following two paragraphs. The possible remedies are, “A parolee may be granted an exception to the prohibition in the previous statement if the parolee posts a bond for the amount of the restitution order; or, a parolee may petition the court for a nearing to determine whether, in the interests of justice, the prohibition in subdivision (a) should be waived.” What this all means, I am not sure; however, if I wanted to pursue the opportunity in Las Vegas, I could apply one of these two possible remedies. Will I pursue this? I am not sure. I think the best course of action would be to complete my parole term in California and see where life goes from there. I have a very good job opportunity upon my release, and I will be earning valuable experience in the recovery field. This also helps with the opportunity in Las Vegas as it is in the same industry. I need to allow everything to fall in place, and this is what I intend to do. Now at the very least, I do know that if I wanted to pursue the opportunity in Las Vegas, I can, but I trust and believe everything will continue to work out for the very best.

Pregnancy Analogy

When I arrived here at camp, I received a new release date which meant at that time I had a little over nine months remaining to serve on my sentence. I used the pregnancy analogy back then as I entered the first trimester. Now, here I am half way through the third and final trimester. I remember when my wife was pregnant with our two children. Thankfully, she had very uneventful pregnancies; however, I do recall her being ready to deliver half way through her final trimester. No, this is not like giving birth to a child, but it is like a rebirth for me. I am anxious for that “due” date of February 27th to arrive. As today passes, I have only five more remaining Wednesdays that I will be incarcerated. Of course, I am counting down the days, and I find that it is more palatable thinking I have five more Wednesdays to serve than 41 days and a wakeup to serve.
I don’t know what exactly it is, but I have felt a little off all day. It could have been the fact that my roommate wanted to talk at 10:00 last night, which is well past our respective bedtimes. He was a bundle of energy, and we did talk. His bundle of energy faded quite rapidly, and as I was speaking, I could hear his breath getting heavier. Soon thereafter, he was fast asleep. It took me several minutes to finally fall asleep, and my sleep wasn’t the best.
I was planning on running this afternoon but just wasn’t feeling up to it. I did work out this morning with my roommate, and it was a much better effort than yesterday. The cleaning of the bathrooms went well, and I even scrubbed the walls. This became a futile attempt to get the lime and alkaline off because once it dried it looked the same. The bathroom walls are painted in two colors; tan and brown. The tan is on the top portion while the brown is on the bottom portion. Unfortunately, the dark color of the brown shows all the dirt, and the only way to clean this would be to repaint the entire bathroom. I don’t know if this will happen in the next five Wednesdays or later. Whatever the case, I will do what is asked of me, which is why I was scrubbing the walls.
I attempted to call the reporter at lunchtime, but she was not available. I will try back on Friday as we seem to have some unfinished business. It certainly would be better to sit down with the reporter so we can cover everything at once, but I guess this works for now. The remainder of the lunch hour I talked with my roommate. I have been blessed with my roommate because he is very funny, and as I have mentioned before, we do more laughing than most. I did notice today that my “butcher” job of a haircut on him appeared to be growing back. I guess what they say is correct. The difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut is, indeed, two weeks!!

Change Of Heart And Mind

I was all set to craft a response to the letter/package I received from the IRS. I was a bit put-off by the things that were allegedly said by me, and I wanted to rectify those items. I started the letter, and halfway through, I tore it up. I thought more about it as I was writing, and I had a change of heart and mind. I thought to myself what it was I really wanted to accomplish, and I came to the conclusion I wanted to be right in a very strange way. I have to face that the money I stole is taxable. Whether I knew about this or not during the period of my stealing is irrelevant. The fact is I owe the IRS a significant sum of money. I did at one time convince myself that the stealing was more of a loan as I would eventually pay it all back; however, I got in too deep, and I could never recoup my losses. I have paid back about one-third of what I stole, and according to my case, I still have the balance to pay back while I serve parole. Over these past 18 months, the California Department of Corrections has garnished 55% of any monies toward me. This hasn’t accounted too much, but I am making payments. I don’t recall a specific tax code stating that money paid back toward restitution is deductible; however, I have spoken to others with this same dilemma I face, and they had been given credit for the money paid back. Once again, this is something I cannot and will not dwell on. The answers to these questions and so many more will be answered in due time.
I believe I came to my senses when I ripped up the letter I was writing. Instead, I wrote a nice thank-you letter to the IRS agent in charge of my case and signed the form I was required to sign. The process is now officially set in motion, and at some point, there will be a satisfactory resolution.
Yesterday evening, I spoke with a very good friend who I hadn’t spoken to in a couple of months. We had a very nice conversation, and as it turns out, he has a good friend who works in the real estate rental field. We spoke about my need for housing come this summer, and he will introduce me to his friend for some possibilities. As we spoke, I couldn’t help but think everything is truly coming together. I was filled in more on the real estate bust in southern California, and my re-entry into society couldn’t happen at a better time. Things are working out for the very best. Another topic of our conversation was my previous employer, which my friend and me have in common. I have been removed from there for almost three years (yes, that has passed quickly), and only one of the executives I worked with still remains. It sounded like a few of my former associates met with an unceremonious end. I have no right to wish any ill will on anyone, and I do find all of this unfortunate. The culture at my previous employer was a little distorted, and I know I took too many liberties. I surmise I was not the only one taking liberties as I cam to find out about all of this at the meeting with the consultant working with my previous employer. Everything does happen for a reason, and I am so happy to be recovering as life continues to get better.
The usual ensued over the course of today. I do find myself slightly less motivated as I clean the bathrooms each day. I still put in almost three hours and do my very best, but it is getting old. I have six weeks remaining, which means in 6 weeks from this very day, I will be spending my last day in prison. This feels so very good; however, until I am driving down the road with my wife, it won’t be a reality.
This weekend my mom and two dear friends will be here for a visit, and I am counting down the days. The weather forecast is for perfect, clear, sunny skies with temperatures in the upper 60’s, so we should be in the regular visiting area outside. Four months ago in September, they were all here, and we sat outside. I remember we needed shade for the hot sun, and my guess is we will enjoy the warmth of the sun this weekend. It is going to be a wonderful weekend, and I can’t wait to see them. After the visit this weekend, there will be only five more weekends remaining, and in those five weeks, there are three scheduled GA meetings/visits. The time is going quickly, and I will be driving down that road with my wife very soon. I am anxious to restart my life, and oh what a beautiful life it is!

Oh, Those Letters From The IRS

I think from this point forward I will skip the usual routine stuff and just jump all around. Yesterday at the awesome GA meeting/visit, a dear friend mentioned they had seen a “worry box” in a magazine which was very nice. My dear friend immediately thought of my wife because my wife is filled with worries. I need to back track for a moment and mention the fact that my daughter has her very own “worry box” thanks to a great idea by my sister. The principle is to store all here worries in the box and once a week or once a month purge the box, thus ridding her of worries. I called my wife again today at lunchtime because I wanted to follow up from our telephone call on Saturday. We were able to talk about certain issues for the first time since the family visit at the beginning of last month. My wife does worry and is very concerned about our financial future. I have never subscribed to the worrying theory because it causes unnecessary grief. Now in recovery, I trust and believe everything is going to continue to work out for the very best. I may not express myself very well on the telephone calls, but I do my best. I realize my wife is concerned with our financial future, but worrying about it really does no good.
I possibly believe we are headed in the right direction since I will have a job as a soon as I am released. The housing situation will work itself out, and home ownership will take some time. I have very large amounts of money I owe in restitution and taxes. Speaking of taxes, I received another package from the Internal Revenue Service. Oh, those letters from the IRS! This was just a follow-up from the last package, and the meter in the fact that the interest charges are still accumulating. The numbers contained in this package are very daunting. Conceivably, the amount of money I owe to the IRS could exceed the amount of money I stole. This truly doesn’t make sense; however, as long as the bill remains unpaid, the interest keeps accumulating. There seems to be more detail in this package than the previous one. The very nice IRS agent, or at least I thought was very nice, included a summary of things I said to her last year during our meeting. I don’t recall her taking any notes during that meeting, and there were some things that I allegedly said that surprised me. I received the distinct impressions that the humongous tax liability was just another item on the list for the IRS agent. In fact, the IRS agent told me now to worry about this tax liability and that the worst part of this ordeal (prison) was almost over. Reading this new package left me a bit surprised with the verbiage.
Do I need to worry about all of this? I guess the answer is yes and no. Obviously, I cannot take the IRS lightly, but at the same token, there is nothing I can do right now. At some point in the future, I will sit down with the IRS and negotiate a settlement/payment plan. If I were to fixate on all the wreckage I caused, I would become paralyzed with fear. I am not about to do this since I know I am moving in the right direction. As for my wife, she sees the same wreckage I caused creating so many uncertainties. I don’t know what the future holds financially, but as long as I stay committed to recovery, everything will continue on a positive path.
I was very happy to talk with my wife today, and she sounded so much better than when we spoke on Saturday. She told me she is tired of being a single parent, and I can understand where she is coming from. I dumped so much on her, and she has done her absolute best over the past 1-1/2 years. The time of her being the single parent is coming to an and, and she intimated that her decision whether or not to join me when the children finish school in June seems to be made. She has not rendered her decision as of yet, but I believe whatever the decision, it will be best for everyone involved. I’m glad my wife shared some of her feelings with me, and once again, everything is working out for the very best.
I stayed on the telephone after the phone call with my wife to call the reporter again. The tone of the interview was very good, and the reporter wanted to know more about my story. I gave her the “Cliff Notes” version the last time we spoke, and today, I went more in depth. An interesting question was posed and one I had difficulty answering. The reporter asked me why there are so many now who seem to trust me implicitly. I really didn’t have the answer as I don’t really know other than I am doing the right things, and right things are happening. We also went through other facets such as what I was feeling at the time of my out-of-control compulsive gambling and stealing. I seemed to have some sense of clarity as I look back and think how insane I was. This is the best explanation because it was pure insanity. I was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. All I kept doing was digging a bigger hole. Thankfully, I have the shovel down. In fact, I have buried the shovel, and little by little, the hole is filling up. Quite frankly, I don’t know how interesting my story is to the general population, and truly, it is what it is. I made some horrible mistakes and have paid the price; however, through recovery, my life continues to get better every single day. This part of the journey will end soon and another will commence. I look forward to the next part because, for the first time in my life, I will be at peace with myself.
The lunch hour went very quickly, and that is when the telephones are turned off. The sun was shining brilliantly, and with the temperatures in the 70’s, I thought it would be a good time for a moderate run. For some reason, I have been reluctant to run on workdays in the afternoon other than the lunch period. I didn’t have any issues, and it was a wonderful way to spend the afternoon.

Those Darn Telephone Calls

Once a week I call my wife since the cost is so prohibitive to call more. Yesterday afternoon, I was able to speak with my wife and daughter. My son was unavailable because he was over at a friend’s house. Sometimes, speaking on these telephones is often difficult for a variety of reasons. I am grateful to be able to speak with my wife on a weekly basis, but sometimes, like yesterday, the conversations don’t seem to go well. Yes, the conversation yesterday didn’t go so well, and it was one of those darn (actually damn!) telephone calls. I have 6-1/2 weeks remaining on my sentence and my wife is feeling serious financial stress. It is amazing how, as much as my wife tries to keep this stress from our children, it still permeates to them. Both my wife and daughter were in tears as we talked yesterday. The tears came from different reasons, but nonetheless, it was very difficult hearing their emotions. Unfortunately, I am in no position to do anything to help alleviate the financial stress I created. I can only listen and hope to cheer them up. I was successful turning my daughter’s tears into laughter, but I have a long way to go to alleviate my wife’s financial pressures. I believe I did my best to listed and lend an ear as my wife spoke. I firmly believe everything will continue to work out for the best; however, right not it certainly doesn’t seem that way for my wife. She has gone the past 1-1/2 years doing her very best. I just need her to hang in there because at the end of next month I can finally start helping.
It was a difficult time on the telephone, and my wife is so selfless she said, “I hope you aren’t upset by what I said.” My wife has tried to protect me from the mess I made because she thought I had enough to deal with by going to prison. I still want to know everything that is going on, both positive and negative. I am in a powerless situation to help financially, but I hope to help emotionally. This has been very difficult on my wife, and I want to make everything better. The fact of the matter is I can’t make all those problems I caused go away. I am doing my best through recovery, and come February 27th, I can start putting the pieces back together. Up until that time, I am here to listen and to be sympathetic.
I was fortunate with the telephone call because the bail bonds company helped facilitate those phone calls. I needed to call on three separate occasions and was able to do so with no cost to my wife. I needed this extra time to spend with my daughter and make her feel better. Her birthday is coming up next month, and she is planning on going into New York City to the American Girl store. Fortunately, my daughter understands the value of money and is not looking for anything more when she visits the store to have lunch. I believe she will have a wonderful time, and later on in February, her cheerleading troupe will be cheering at a New Jersey Nets game. She wanted to know if I would be able to watch the game on television so I could see her cheer. I gave her no guarantees, but I did say I would try. I can tell she really wants me back as she said her friend is looking forward to meeting me. I am so ready to be back in my daughter’s life and my family’s lives. This is going to happen in due time.
I also explained to my wife about having me possibly fly back with her to New Jersey after my release. I did tell her that, if she didn’t have the funds for the airline ticket, she should remain in New Jersey. My wife certainly wants to be the one to pick me up on my release date, and she will do everything within her power to be here. It would be wonderful to be with her on my release date, and the situation will work out. If for some reason she cannot make it, I have already had several dear friends offer to come and pick me up. I am so blesses, and the love in my life is immeasurable.
The telephone calls weren’t as good as I would have hoped, but this is the way it goes. There will be many more ups and downs as I progress to the new beginning; however, the ups will exceed the downs since I will be back in the free world. The financial situation will take care of itself, and we will work through it together. I just want the emotional tone of my family to focus on the positive, and this will happen for the very best. As I said goodbye to my wife, she sounded a bit better from when we started the telephone call. I certainly can’t wit for the day I can hold (hug) my wife and tell her everything will be okay because it certainly will. We’ve made it this far, and as long as I stay committed to recovery, our lives will continue to get better and better.
Today, I took the early morning exercises off and relaxed. My body needed the day off, and I obliged by remaining in bed the extra hour. I did not got to breakfast because I was planning for the GA meeting/visit. The wonderful group of dear friends arrived very promptly as visiting opened. This is very usual for them, and I walked down to the visiting center with a smile on my face. I arrived just as my dear friends were setting up. They bring so much food in the form of goodies that there wasn’t much spare room on the picnic table. These meetings/visits are wonderful, and today was incredible. The sharing was magnificent, and I will miss these meetings/visits when our sessions run out with my release. The key concept behind Gamblers Anonymous is people helping people recover from their gambling addiction.
Experience, strength, and hope are also key concepts in the GA program, and these meetings/visits are filled with so much of this. It was a beautiful morning weather wise, and it was made even more beautiful with the meeting/visit. I enjoyed, as I always do, every second of the morning. The group was made up of five of us, and everything was fantastic. I love these dear friends so much, and I am so happy to be a member of GA. There are only three more meetings/visits remaining, and I look forward to each one. This is a huge part of my recovery, and this certainly has given my recovery a boost.
The incredible meeting/visit came to an end, and I found myself watching the football games most of the day. The games were very surprising and also very good. I am so glad to be able to watch the games as a fan. I enjoyed the games, and my son’s New York Giants even pulled of the upset over the Dallas Cowboys. I thought about my son the entire time watching in amazement as the Giants played very well. They live to play next week against the Green Bay Packers and face a tough foe. Win or lose, I will enjoy watching that game and talking to my son about his favorite team. Once again, it was a great weekend, and I have only six more remaining, Yay!!!

Another Beautiful Saturday

I utilized the lunch hour yesterday to call the reporter who is doing the story on Indian casinos in California and pathological gambling. I made sure I had 30 minutes to devote to the phone call, and we used it all up. Due to the time constraints, I told the reporter my story in about three minutes. I guess it has come to this for me as I can recite my story in many versions, and yesterday was the “Cliff Notes” version. Really, my story can be summed up quite succinctly; I ignored my compulsive gambling addiction and ended up in prison. The epilogue is I have found recovery and a wonderful life. We talked about many other aspects of the Indian casinos in California and pathological gambling. The telephone system is not conducive to these discussions, but for the next month and one-half, this is what I must deal with. I still don’t know when this story will be published or whether or not the reporter will come here for a visit or wait until my release date in February. It was great to discuss both sides of the gambling equation, and I still need to follow up on Monday.
I do believe the key is awareness, and there is no stopping the gambling juggernaut, especially with the tribal casinos in California. No matter what, people are going to gamble, and of those people, a certain percentage will become problem gamblers. Gambling is addicting, and there will be those who will lose everything. Hopefully, the message can be sent that help is available, and as casinos grow in California, so will the money for treatment and awareness. Billions of dollars are being made by these tribes, and only a tiny fraction is currently spent on problem gambling awareness and treatment. As more people gamble, there will inevitably more problem gamblers, so the casinos/tribes need to do the right thing. The problem won’t go away if it is ignored. In fact, it will only get worse. I believe the casino industry will follow the alcohol industry with the awareness campaigns. I have heard the problem gambler public service announcements on the radio, which is a step in the right direction. My intention is to get involved with problem gambling awareness when I am released, and I believe this is a good start in the interview with the reporter.
The rest of the afternoon yesterday was the usual as I wrote the afternoon away. I wrote two letters which was unusual for a Friday because I usually leave these for the weekend; however, with the NFL playoffs on television today and tomorrow, I wanted to make some time to watch a few of the games. I am interested in the New England Patriots/Jacksonville Jaguars’ game for the simple fact that if the Patriots win and advance to the Super Bowl, they will make history as the first team to win 19 games and lose none. I have always admired this team ever since Tom Brady and Bill Bellichek took over some seven years ago. The other game I am interested in is my son’s New York Giants against the Dallas Cowboys tomorrow. It should be an interesting game and a good way to pass the time this weekend.
The evening came last night which was filled with talking and reading. Of course, sleep came early, and it was once again time to get out of bed to work out. Today would be a big exercise day. There are days when running can be laborious, but today was NOT one of those days. I immediately got into a good rhythm and maintained this all through the run. The day was beautiful, and it was another beautiful Saturday in southern California. The temperature will probably reach 70 degrees later today, and while I was running, I could feel warm breezes. It was a very good run, and I am amazed as to how fast the morning disappeared. Sure I exercised for over four hours this morning, but I enjoyed every minute.
I think my running is now expected here at camp since I didn’t receive any strange looks as I ran around the track 90 times. I did get some encouraging calls and mostly smiles from the guys who understand my “addiction” to running. It would have been great to run around the beautiful canyons and vistas around here, but I am sort of encouraged (more like obligated/mandated) to stay on the makeshift track. My goal is to run around the track 100 times, which I will do in two weeks. After that run, I will have only one month remaining, and the runs will be so much shorter. I still can’t properly gauge whether or not I am in marathon shape because the distance calculations are a bit suspect. I was getting a little tired as I ran the 90th lap, but I know I can get 10 more. It really doesn’t matter if I am in marathon shape or not because all I care about is maintaining my fitness level. Quite frankly, I don’t need to run another marathon to prove anything to myself. In the past, I looked at these marathons I ran as goals, and now I just want to enjoy every stride. I am in good shape, and the best possible case scenario is having my family with me when I run a marathon or any other type of race. I am not an elite athlete. I am a 42-year-old, soon-to-be ex-felon who just wants to maintain peace of mind. Thankfully, running enhances my peace of mind, and this morning was fantastic.

Addictions Become Impossible

I still have fears when dealing with this “System.” Yesterday, I met with the counselor because I had a few questions regarding my parole. Before those questions were addressed, I was given a letter that was sent to the county of my crime requesting additional information. At first, I became uneasy when I saw the letter of inquiry; however, upon further review, I realized this was just a formality and should not have any bearing on my parole date. Apparently, my file is missing certain information, and this letter was sent as a follow-up. I have become a bit “gun shy” in this system because nothing seems to be easy I take noting for granted, which is why I met with the counselor yesterday. I asked the counselor a series of questions, and unfortunately, I didn’t receive any definitive responses. I was wondering where my parole plans were since I have never seen them. According to the counselor, my parole plans should have been sent to the parole office to which I was required to report. The counselor did not know which parole office I have been assigned and is supposed to notify me in a few days with the information. I need this information in advance so that, if possible, I can make travel arrangements to see my children when I am released. The counselor informed me I could do this on the day I am released when I meet with my parole officer. I am trying to be proactive and have this all planned prior to my release. Unfortunately, this system does not lend itself to being proactive as it is very reactive. I once again have to trust and believe everything will continue to work out for the best.
I have lost track as to how many times I have come away from the counselor a bit disappointed. My expectations have remained high, but I came away having not met those expectations. I know my mother would ask me whether I am sure I am definitely getting released on February 27th or could there be a delay. I firmly believe I am getting out on February 27th because all the paperwork I received yesterday stated my release date as February 27th. This paperwork included the 60-day audit, which is an audit of my sentence ensuring my released date is correct. California has some convoluted sentence, and even those employed to decipher these terms have difficulty. I have heard and seen a fellow inmate receive 11 extra months one day prior to his expected release date. This same inmate is now facing an additional 14 months as he is set to be released in 10 days. Thankfully, my sentence is not convoluted, and there aren’t any additional charges pending. I received a four-year sentence which I am required to serve 50%; however, due to the fact I have been sent to a fire camp, my sentence has been reduced by another 33%. I have gone over those figures closely which is how I came up with the four-day savings a few months ago. In all likelihood, I will walk out of here on February 27th.
The session with the counselor did not go as I had planned, but this was not unexpected. After the session, I played ping pong with my roommate who continues to pummel me every time we play. Prior to dinner, I read a little more of the “Runner’s World” magazine. Dinner was uneventful. Maybe because I have 1-1/2 months remaining, the rice and beans “feast” has run its course. Yes, I have been able to sustain myself on primarily rice and beans for the last 18 months, but I am ready for some variety. I may not be able to afford much variety when I am released, so I better get used to the rice and beans! The usual evening festivities commenced as I received three pieces of mail; a letter from my mother, father, and sponsor. Thankfully, my father sent stamps. Strangely, he didn’t send the usual compliment of 20 and instead sent 9. As fate would have it, I owe 9 stamps so now I am down to zero. Fortunately, my roommate and my friend don’t need the stamps right now, and I can wait until I receive mine. The letters were great with the exception of mother’s because it was more of a note than a letter. I need to call her this weekend to shore up the details for her visit next week. God love my mother because she sure is a uniquely special person.
Sleep came quickly, and it was once again time to start the cycle all over again. In our quest for perfect physiques (not really!), my roommate and I are reluctant to take days off from exercising so this morning we were back at it. At some point, we will need to take a day off to rest our physiques, but it wasn’t today. We had a good session, and my roommate may have pulled or pinched a muscle in his back which may mean that day off could becoming quickly. The workout was over, and it was on to the rest of my day.
Prior to going to breakfast, I read a passage from Dr. Wayne Dyer’s “Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life.” I have calculated the number of days I have remaining, which equals the number of passages remaining in the book. Today was verse 35, “Living Beyond Worldly Pleasures.” In Dr. Dyer Dyer’s comments, “Addiction becomes impossible because you no longer try to get worldly pursuits to satisfy you.” How true and how powerful this one statement is. Most all pleasures are temporary so when you are in need of more. Addictions can and will arise. This is a horrible thought process and one I knew first hand for a very long time. I was trapped by me own beliefs which put me in a box. Thankfully, that box was broken open almost three years ago, and I am beginning to understand my true self. Life is not about obtaining those worldly, inconsequential, temporary pleasures. It is not about placing that next bet. My life has a higher meaning, and all worldly pleasures exist in a permanent state through nature. I am sitting here watching nature and having pleasure observing. It is wonderful to just slow down and enjoy life as it is meant to be. All of these things have been right in front of my big nose all along, but I chose to ignore them. Yes, it is much easier in the insulated isolated place to slow down, but I am taking these lessons with me. My life does continue to improve, and as long as I have peace of mind within recovery, my life will continue on this path. Addictions can become impossible when life is lived through nature’s eyes, not mine. Everything is based in goodness, and I am seeing this goodness all the time.

Reducing Emotional Stress

Yesterday evening I received my first ever New Year’s card. The card was sent by my very thoughtful sister. I had no idea there were even New Year’s cards but upon second thought there seems to be cards for every occasion so why not New Years! In the card was a very lovely letter and my sister wrote that she has once read the physical act of writing helps reduce emotional stress. This is why many therapists and 12 step programs advocate writing one’s own thoughts. It really doesn’t matter whether the letter is read or not, the key is the physical act of writing. I had not heard of this before but from my personal experience I can say this is very true. I have written thousands of pages in the almost past 3 years and each time when I am finished writing I always feel so much better. It is most certainly a release and is a therapeutic tool for me. My sister went on to say that she didn’t know if the same brain chemicals are released when typing but again from my personal experience I felt great after typing passages that is back when I could type. I do look forward to getting behind a computer keyboard because my handwriting is atrocious. I would have thought with all the writing I have done over the past 18 months my handwriting would get better but I think it has only gotten worse. I do believe my 6 years old son has better penmanship then me. Anyhow, whether writing or typing it has always been a release for me.

Speaking of writing I have planned on writing a book about my experiences. I have gotten as far as writing the outline but no further. I certainly have had the time but I have neglected this. I can only come up with lame excuses as to why I have not started writing and the first lame excuse is the fact that I have to handwrite if I were to start now. I do believe it would be so much easier (not too mention legible!) to type my thoughts as opposed to handwriting. Yes, it is a lame excuse and another lame excuse is the fact that the “spirit” has yet to hit me. I don’t want to force it just because I have the time. I want it to flow and when the time is right I will start. If it takes me 10 years to complete then so be it. I am not writing the book as a way of generating money. My intentions to write the book have always been to help one person. If it helps one person that would be great. Yes, not writing or starting to write the book has weighed heavily on my mind but I am still no closer to starting it. Oh well it will happen.

No much is happening. I received the lovely card and letter from my sister. I wrote 5 letters yesterday and had to borrow 5 more stamps. I am even running out of envelopes as I have only 3 remaining. I do have plenty of paper and pens so I can still write but they may not go anywhere. I am sure there are stamps and envelopes in route and worse case scenario I can mail everything out in 7 weeks.

Last night was more of the same as my roommate, I, and a few of our fellow inmates had a few discussions. My roommate and I rarely leave our room in the evening but sometimes we have visitors. Last night we had a few visitors and it is always good to listen. I try to learn from these discussions and this is usually the case. I learned that I am very fortunate to have so many loving and supporting family members and friends. I do know I have so many blessings in my life and my life continues to get better. I am very grateful for everyone and everything in my life.

I was tired last night and fell asleep quite early even by my standards. I had a few strange dreams which featured my roommate, my son and several people I did not recognize. It was a strange dream and when I woke up my mind was going. I couldn’t turn my mind off and thankfully these were all positive thoughts. I guess as I get closer to my release date it will get more difficult to turn off my brain. This isn’t necessarily bad because I am very excited to re-start my life. I do need to take it day by day which is the only way to arrive at my release date. This is a very exciting time but in the meantime I will continue with my daily routine. The rest of the day was the usual as I cleaned the bathrooms. I believe my replacement has been found and most likely one week to my release date the replacement will start. This would be a training period and really no training is necessary all anyone needs to know is how to clean. It certainly is not rocket science so I am sure he will pick it up quickly and for that last week I will have a helper. Until then I will continue doing what I have been doing.

I received my first issue of Runner’s World today and it is so nice they give out the magazines at 1:00pm instead of having to wait until mail call in the evening. I perused through it quickly (I will read it in-depth later) and I felt very motivated. My plan was to run 3 more marathons when I am released. I don’t know the feasibility of running the Los Angeles Marathon 4 days after I am released so it may have to wait until next year. There are costs involved and quite frankly I don’t have the extra money (Heck, make that; I don’t have the money!) Also I love the fact knowing my wife and children would be waiting for me at the finish line. This wouldn’t happen if I were to run it this year. I will see how it goes but I may just set my sights on the New York Marathon in November. I do enjoy reading Runner’s World and it was so thoughtful of my wife to subscribe to it for me as a Christmas present.

The only other interesting item I heard today was California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger released his revamped budget to address the states $14 billion deficit. The two notable items were public education would be cut by 10 percent which amounts to $1 billion and the governor is proposing to release 35,000 non-violent inmates which would theoretically save the state $1 billion. These are just proposals and the State Legislators have 45 days to ratify the proposals. I found the timing somewhat ironic because I have 47 days remaining on my sentence and it would be funny if 2 days before I am release the Legislators approve the Governor’s plan. This could mean I would get out 2 days early. Hey, 2 minutes early is a release for me so I would happily take it. I doubt if I would be effected at all because even if this proposal is ratified, releasing 35,000 inmates is no small task. I would imagine this would take place in stages. Hopefully my roommate is affected because he would still have 6 months remaining to serve when I am released. It will be interesting to see what if anything happens. I do know I am being released on February 27th which is coming quickly.

Counting Down The Wednesdays

On the seventh Wednesday from this very day, I will be released back into society. Oh my goodness, that previous sentence sounds so ominous, but it is true. For the past 18 months and by the time I am finished my sentence, it will be 19-1/2 months, I have been separated from society and, most importantly, my family. I started this odyssey on a Wednesday, and it is only fitting I will be released on a Wednesday. I am now officially counting down the Wednesdays. Truly, I have only six Wednesdays remaining (after today) that I will be incarcerated. On that seventh Wednesday, my wife will be here to pick me up, and we will drive out together. I will not be wearing my orange clothing on that day. In fact, it will probably take some time before I wear anything orange again, if I ever do. I started wearing orange in the county jail, and the only place I didn’t was Jamestown. I was dressed in blue, which really wasn’t as bad as the bright orange. On the very faithful Wednesday in February, a new beginning will commence. As I look back, I am astonished as to how significant Wednesdays have been.
I was confronted at my previous employer on a Wednesday. I was arrested two weeks later on a Wednesday. I pled guilty on a Wednesday. I was sentenced on a Wednesday. I was transferred here on a Wednesday. Next month I will walk out of here on a Wednesday. This gives a different meaning to “Wednesday’s Child.” I’m not sure of the significance of all of this, but it sure seems interesting. I am so happy I only have six Wednesdays remaining, and I doubt on that seventh Wednesday from now that I will ever stop smiling. There have been some very significant days in my life such as the day I married my wife and the days my daughter and son were born. Nothing can top those days, but February 27th will be near the top of the list. Yes, I am anxious, but I have come this far living one day at a time. I am not about to change. The day will come just like all the other days, and I am patiently waiting.
In the meantime, I enjoyed the very tasty pizza and pasta that was served last night for dinner. This meal has come a long way from the first time I had it at the reception center many months ago. The pizza was vegetable containing onions and mushrooms. It is entirely made from scratch and very good. This is one of the two meals I can eat everything on the tray (the other being baked fish). I am very grateful for anything I receive, and last night’s dinner was very nice. After dinner, it was back to my room for the usual conversation. I asked my roommate if he could have dinner with three people who are alive who would those three be? I also said all three don’t have to come to dinner at the same time as it could be three separate dinners. His response was Bill Clinton, Robin Williams, and Nelson Mandela. I thought the choice of Robin Williams was peculiar so I asked him why. My roommate is a fan of Robin Williams, and unbeknownst to me, Robin Williams is a cyclist enthusiast just like my roommate and also a very impressive comedian and actor. The other two are self-explanatory as they are fascinating people. My three are Tiger Woods, Harlan Coben, and Bruce Springsteen. I do believe Mr. Coben would be a very interesting conversationalist over dinner. It was odd, or maybe not, that neither one of us selected a female. The conversation as usual was very good, and it was time to go to sleep.
The day started just like every other day as I got up to exercise. Now, even my roommate is getting up earlier because he needs to be in to work earlier. I previously had to wait 10 to 15 minutes for his arrival at the weight area. Now, we walk up together. The workout was very good, and it was on to start my day. The usual ensued, and I seemed to be moving quicker cleaning the bathrooms. I even had an hour to hike the hill before lunch. I thought I would take advantage of this time, and I did hike the hill. It was a very good hike, and after I checked in for the noon check-in, I was in need of a shower.
By hiking earlier, I was able to free up some of the lunch hour. I decided to make a telephone call to the reporter who wrote me a few weeks ago. I hadn’t received a reply from the letter I wrote so I took the opportunity to call. I was able to speak with the reporter, who sounds very nice and knowledgeable about pathological gambling. The reporter is doing a story on pathological gambling and the effects of the growth of Indian casinos in California. We spoke for the allotted 15 minutes, and that went very quickly. The reporter said something to me that I have thought about in the past. She wanted to speak with me because she believes I possess a unique perspective. I am a recovering pathological gambler who also worked in the gaming business for a number of years. I guess I do have a unique perspective because I understand both sides of the equation. I really enjoyed the discussion, and I am scheduled to call her back on Friday. I am resending what I initially wrote because it has yet to be received. I am sending her a visitor’s form because she is interested in meeting with me face to face. I don’t know when the story will be published, so conceivably, we can meet after my release. Hopefully, I can add value to the story, and it does appear there will be an impact from the article.

A Barber I am NOT!

My family has a long tradition of barbers. My Dad is a barber, his father (my grandfather) was a barber, his father’s father (my great grandfather) was a barber; however, I ended this tradition because I never had any desire to be a barber. My Dad never wanted me to be a barber, and I believe he is okay with the tradition stopping with him. It is a good thing my Dad never pressured me into becoming a barber because it is accurate to say the barber gene is NOT in my DNA! I wrote about an incident a few months ago where a fellow inmate asked me to square up the back of his hair, and I butchered that seemingly easy task. Well, the examples of me not being a barber don’t stop there. Unfortunately for my roommate, he learned first hand why I should never have a pair of electric clippers in my hand.

Yesterday afternoon, my roommate had the idea that he could cut his own hair. He had witnessed a fellow inmate do this and thought he could do the same. He borrowed the necessary equipment (electric clippers with several different lengths of attachments). He was doing a very good job cutting his hair, and he did ask me if I would help. I was a bit nervous knowing what I did last time but still wanted to help. I helped him with the back of his hair, and this went well. The problem arose when he asked me to trim around his ear. He took off the clipper guard which meant, if the full blade was used, it would take all the hair whereas the other clippers ranged in length from ¼ of an inch to 1 inch. Yes, I was nervous, but my roommate said, “Don’t be afraid.” With these words, I turned the clipper around my roommate’s ear and within less than a second, I said, “Oh shit!” Instead of using a fraction of the clipper, I used the whole clipper blade, and I took off a block of hair down to the skin around his ear. I did a very good job following his ear because the block of hair I took is the same contour of his ear; however, it looked terrible. I knew immediately I had done something wrong and there was no real way to fix it. We called in professional help, and that person who handles the clippers very well touched up my roommate’s hair, but even he couldn’t fix my mistake. The only way to fix it would have been to take all of his hair off the back of his head around to the other ear. My roommate was not willing to look like a “jar head” and now has to live with an inch of no hair around his right ear.

I felt so bad, and I must give my roommate credit because he smiled the entire time. I guess he had to smile or he would have killed me! Of course, what came next was the ridicule he would face from our less-than-sympathetic fellow inmates. It seems everyone around here notices everything, and his missing chunk of hair did not go unnoticed. Again, he laughed, and I felt terrible, but there was nothing I could do. I guess the positive side is his hair will grow back eventually. Judging by the amount of hair I took out, I guess it should grow back by the time I parole in February. This would be the last time my roommate ever asks me to help cut his hair! It really wouldn’t be too bad had I not gone all the way down to bare skin. It sort of looks like he had a growth removed above his hair which is why it was shaved to the skin. I told him I could do the other side to match, and we could name him Igor! He didn’t find the humor in this comment.
My lack of haircutting ability has been the talk of the camp for yesterday and today. I do think my roommate has gotten ridiculed more than me over the past day because it is so noticeable. I have been called the “Butcher” because that is exactly what I did to my roommate’s hair. I think I made matters worse this morning because, after we worked out, I was looking at the bald area and couldn’t help but say, “That looks terrible.” Well, if my roommate was self-conscious before this incident, I am sure it is now magnified significantly. Yes, it will grow back, but we both have to look at it every day before it finally grows back. Hopefully in a week or so, the shock value will wear off. A barber I am NOT!!!

I did profusely apologize to my roommate all night, and thankfully, he is a good-natured person. He did offer to cut my hair, and I told him that would be great but it would have to wait until after my mother comes for her visit. He wasn’t happy with this answer, and I am rethinking. I guess a worse-case scenario would be that he shaves off all of my hair. I doubt I would make a very attractive bald man, but in a few months, it will all grow back, and if cutting my hair makes by roommate happy, then so be it.

We went to sleep last night with my offering another apology. I didn’t have to worry about sleeping with “one eye open” because my roommate has a very good nature. I did feel terrible as I went to sleep and had some strange dreams. I awoke to do another workout with my roommate. From here, it was on to start my day. The breakfast today was a very nice treat of blueberry pancakes. I hadn’t had these in a very long time, and it was delicious. After breakfast, I did my usual routine and cleaned the bathrooms. One of my fellow inmates was very nice and volunteered his services to clean one of the showers. I thought this was very nice, and I was happy to have the assistance. The morning went by quickly, and it was lunchtime. I have been trying to figure out where I could fit in my running, and today, I ran at the lunch hour. I only ran for 45 minutes, but it was an excellent run. I pushed myself harder than I have in a while. The quicker pace was welcomed, and it was a nice addition to my day, not to mention, it made the lunch hour fly by!

Comings and Goings of Camp Life

Last night marked the end of the weekend, and with it, I only have seven weekends remaining. It is fairly accurate to say I am counting down the days. I try not to focus on the number of days I have remaining, but I do find this difficult. I really can’t wait for February 27th so I find myself counting down the number of days. As of right now, I have 51 days and one wake-up remaining. The last day of February does not count in my calculation because that is the day I rejoin the free world. I am breaking it down into numbers of weekends and days of the week remaining. It is much better to know I only have seven more Mondays remaining then 51 days. The time does go my quickly, but as I mentioned, I am fixated on February 27th.

It was the usual evening yesterday as my roommate and I listened to “60 Minutes” on the radio. The most popular story had to do with Roger Clemens who was named in baseball’s steroid report as someone who took steroids. Roger Clemens went on “60 Minutes” to proclaim his innocence, and I found the interview fascinating. I have no idea whether or not he is telling the truth when he states, “I have never taken steroids,” and he kept stating, “It didn’t happen.” Only Roger Clemens knows the truth, and it is not for me to judge. I do feel bad for him because it seemed like he was personally offended by these accusations, and really, there is no way to prove or disprove these accusations. It seems the court of public opinion has rendered its decision, and it is not in Roger Clemens’ favor. The other story was regarding the horrible assassination in Pakistan. The President of Palestine was interviewed, and he very boldly blamed Benazir Bhutto for getting assassinated. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing because Pakistan’s President (Musharef) stated Benazir Bhutto should share some of the blame of the assassination because she stuck her head out of the armed car when she should not have. This may very well be the cause but to lay blame for your assassination is preposterous. This part of the world is a powder keg, and hopefully, things do not escalate. I always find “60 Minutes” fascinating, and last night, the stories were exceptional.

As “60 Minutes” commenced, my roommate and I embarked on a conversation. The conversation started regarding a newspaper article on abusive relationships. The article was written by a clinical psychologist, and basically, the premise was to not render a person who is in an abusive relationship an ultimatum. The key concept was to be there when that fried or relative is ready to move out of the abusive relationship. I correlated this to addiction as an addict has to hit their “rock bottom” before seeking help. Unfortunately, no one except the addict or, in the case of the article, the person in the abusive relationship can make the decision to get help. There can be many interventions and all other forms of awareness, but if a person is not ready to commit to help, then it will never work. This can be seen in the Brittany Spears saga as it appears her family has tried to intervene. Even TV’s Dr. Phil has tried to intervene, but until Brittany, herself, commits to some type of treatment program, the problem will only get worse. I fear if Miss Spears does not commit herself to a recovery program things will go very badly, and I hate to say it but she might end up seriously hurt or even dead. This is the same scenario for the very talented Amy Winehouse who’s very famous song, “Ain’t Gonna Go to Rehab,” may be a self-fulfilling prophecy as problems continue to mount.

I can only reflect on my part as I had two very large wakeup calls and even a few minor ones I chose to ignore until the handcuffs were put on my wrist. I understand there have been others before and after me who still haven’t committed to a recovery program even when the handcuffs were put on them. I can only look around to see evidence of this first hand. Thankfully, I continue to commit to recovery, and I see my life getting better each day. I know it is a very difficult first step to admit you have a problem. No one wants to admit this, but for me, this was my only hope of getting better. I know I was so trapped within my own insane thoughts that I could not think straight, and I suspect this is the case with most addicts. Denial is so powerful, and one’s ego does get in the way. I don’t know what it will take to make Brittany Spears admit she has a serious problem and that help is available. Not only is help available, but if a serious commitment is made, I suspect her life will be much better. I know firsthand that life gets better in recovery, and I am eternally grateful.

Throughout the discussion with my roommate, I found myself retelling significant portions of my story. I do know I was incapable of just stopping myself and seeking help. I had to have it the way it has turned out, or I would probably still be doing it. I had a feeling of being invincible and being untouchable, which was so far from the truth it wasn’t funny. When it all came crashing down on me, I actually breathed a sigh of relief. A burden was lifted off my shoulders, and unfortunately for my family, this burden was put on their shoulders. Thankfully, here it is almost three years later, and that burden continues to be lessened each day. I suspect there will be so much joy and happiness in our lives as we are reunited that the burden will diminish altogether. I so enjoy having these discussions with my roommate because it keeps me in touch with myself, and I can see how far I have come. I can’t take that magic eraser and erase the events from my past. I don’t want to erase them. I only want to learn and move forward in a positive direction, which I believe is happening.

The discussion was over, and it was time to go to sleep. The rain was still falling as I went to sleep, and it was drizzling as I awoke. Since we took yesterday off, I had no doubt we would be back out there this morning. I couldn’t believe it was still raining, and I hadn’t experienced this much rain in a long time. In fact, this area has received so much rain it has exceeded the rainfall total of last year in the past 3 days. It does appear the drought for southern California is over, and we will probably have a wet winter. Wet winter or not, we were outside this morning working out in the puddles. It was once again a very good workout, and I enjoy exercising with my roommate.

As the workout ended, it was once again time to start the work week. This has been a familiar pattern for me, and it is all part of the comings and goings of camp life. Today being Monday and no holiday meant inspections would commence. There has been much ado about these inspections over the past few weeks and today would be the first real test. If today was the test, the camp (including myself) has a long way to go. I thought I was complying with the new rules, but I (along with everyone in camp) received a few “gigs” on the inspection. I had one book out of place, I had my jacket hanging on the coat hook on the wall, and I had a box of letters under my bed. As for the first “gig”, I thought we were allowed 3 books on our desk, which I had, but upon further inspection, we are allowed two on the desk and one on the shelf. I didn’t realize we weren’t allowed to hang our coats on the coat hooks. The coat hooks were removed from every room, and now, I have no idea where I will hang my coat. If the idea is to place the coat in our lockers, I have much rearranging to do because my locker is fairly full. Also, I guess the idea is to place the shoebox (which by the way is so full of letters I cannot close the top) in the locker. I may have to do some serious minimization in the coming days.

This inspection has put the camp in an uproar, and I do think it is sad because for the most part (or as far as I am concerned), everyone here is doing a good job, and I have not seen any major problems. I have been here over seven months and have not seen one fight. I cannot say that for the other three stops I have made on this journey. As far as prison goes, fire camp is the place to be. Sure, there are some issues but nothing to warrant the nitpicking of the inspection today. If the idea is to turn this fire camp into a “boot camp,” then by all means please communicate, but there appears to be too many mixed signals. It really is hard to keep track of what is and what is not acceptable because it is so much more subjective than objective. I have a little over seven weeks remaining, and I will continue to do what I done for the past year and one-half, which is to comply with the rules. This really is a good place to do time, and I will not mess that up. I do see issues with others, and really, all of this is unnecessary. I am not sure of the goal to all of this, but if I have to stuff my winter coat and my box of letters into my locker, I will do it with a smile. If not for anything else, days like today do shake up the sameness, and I suspect it will return to normal in a few days.

Watching The Rain

Here I sit on this first Saturday watching the rain through my window. The storm finally arrived late last night and it hasn’t stopped raining since. I thought the storm was going to bring blustery and windy conditions but so far it is just a rain storm. The area certainly needs the rain and hopefully this will help as it is supposed to last until Monday. The rain did not deter my roommate and me from going outside to the weight area. The weight area does have a partial covering so we were shielded from the rain. I do look forward to the day I no longer have to go outside to get to the bathroom. The other night I was almost blown away as I was hit with a gust of wind going through the outside to go to the bathroom.

I continued to read “Fade Away” which I should finish sometime today. I am very surprised some Hollywood producer hasn’t made a motion picture out of these Myron Bolitar novels. The characters Harlan Coben has developed are so unique and interesting. I am very happy that I have started reading his novels and for the life of me I don’t know how I have missed these novels until now. I may have read one of his novels before coming to prison and I remember my mother always talking about his books. Yes, prison has been a positive experience in book reading and so many other avenues. This experience is coming to an end very shortly but it will remain with me forever.

I won’t over dramatize things and say I am a changed person because in some ways I am the same old person but in other ways I have changed. It truly is a cross between these two and I do know I continue to get better as each day passes all thanks to recovery. I realize many people seem to find God or Jesus or religion when they come to prison. I really haven’t found any of these but I have found my spirituality which is based in everything. My spirituality has always been with me but I chose to ignore it. Now I no longer take it for granted as I relish in it everyday. I hope I never force my views on anyone because this is not what I am about. I believe I will live and really I am living a wonderful life. I have so many blessings in my life and I am so grateful. The blessings are very real and very soon I will be a real part of these blessings on a daily basis. Yes, everything continues to workout for the very best.

Harlan Coben

I’ve been reading Harlan Coben’s FADE AWAY and it is another novel in the Myron Bolitar series. I reached a very interesting passage where one of the characters speaks of a “gamble – a - holic”. Coben wrote, “He had pretty good luck for a long time. That’s a bad thing when a man has the itch. When his luck changed –as it must in the long run- he kept thinking he could win it back. They ALL do.” He went on further, “It’s as bad as alcohol or heroin. They cannot stop themselves. In some ways, it’s even worse. People drink and do drugs to escape despair. Gambling has that element, too, but it also offers you the friendly hand of hope. You always have hope when you gamble. You always believe that you’re just one bet away from turning it around. It’s a catch twenty two. If you have hope, you keep gambling. But with gambling there’s always hope.” This is a fairly accurate portrayal of a compulsive gambler and it is a fairly accurate portrayal of me a little while ago. Thankfully, because of recovery, I know so much better. There is no hope if I were to gamble again. I was most certainly hooked on gambling and the hope but there was so much more than what Mr. Coben wrote. Make no mistake, I am a “gamble-a-holic” through and through. I have dug unbelievably deep holes and this has lead to my current situation of being in prison.

It is odd with my story that my first bet at the racetrack did in fact win but when I moved into sports betting my first five selections were all losers yet I was hooked from the beginning twenty six years ago. The Cliff notes version of my story can be summed up in one word “denial”. I denied the fact that I am a compulsive gambler until the very real prospect of losing everything occurred. I saw what I have termed as the loophole as a way to propel my gambling fantasy. I had access to what seemed like an unlimited amount of money but this only added to my illusion. My thought process was severely clouded by my gamble-a-holic ways and gratefully those days are gone.

I found this passage very poignant because gambling left untethered is very destructive as I am a prime example as my life became unmanageable. The key for me is recovery as this is something that never ends. I have never seen or heard of a recovered compulsive gambler. A true compulsive gambler is what I am and now I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. I cannot fool myself into believing I am recovered and therefore don’t need recovery. I know how that would turn out which is why I choose to be in recovery. I fought it for my entire adult life. I do remember several times when I went back to “innocent” gambling after my first two downfall’s saying to myself, “ I can handle this.” When in fact I couldn’t and yet fooled myself. I was a complete and utter conundrum when it came to gambling. I found a career in the gaming industry for 12 years. I thought this would satisfy my need to gamble but only gave me further justifications. I knew the odds were a losing proposition for every casino game so I honed in on sports betting which had the lowest winning percentage for the house. The key phrase is that previous sentence is “winning percentage” which means the house still wins even though it is lower than any of the other casino games. I did my best to “professionalize” my sports betting but in reality it just became more compulsive gambling. I needed more and more action with higher stakes. I was never going to have that big win because for me I don’t even know what that means! Conceivably, I could have just stopped and walked away from the wagering, but I was never capable of doing that until I was finally exposed.

I am going to make a lousy segue into one of the tools of my recovery which is this blog. I was talking to my roommate the other night about this blog. I have to add there has been much too much unnecessary drama regarding this blog which I have yet to write about. I’m not sure if I will ever disclose this drama but it really had been unnecessary. My roommate brought up a salient point as I was telling him why I maintain this blog and why it continues to be published. I gave him the reasons and he very eloquently stated, “It is safe to say that the blog is a way of checking yourself.” This is so true because for so many years I lied to everyone including myself which led to my downfall. Now in recovery, I am based in honesty and maintaining this does keep me in check. I have gone two years, ten months, and six days without making a wager which is certainly a positive. However, more impressively thanks to recovery and the GA Program my life continues to get better and I have so much hope without the aid of gambling.

This ties back into what Mr. Coben wrote and it is a contradiction for one me – the compulsive gambler – in recovery. I have hope as long as I am in recovery which requires abstinence from gambling. Hope is obliterated when the first “innocent” bet is made which is why I choose recovery every time. I do need to be mindful daily, hourly, and every minute. At some point in the future I will return to a “normal” way of existence – this is where it will be the most dangerous for me. Right now and really for the past almost three years the thought of gambling repulses me because I know the consequences are very real. Somewhere when that normalcy returns the consequences may fade somewhat which is why I need and want a recovery program in my life. I screwed things up on my own and in the past almost 3 years, I have had so much help and it has been wonderful. I don’t have to face this addiction alone and have not. Another bad thing for me would be to think I am smarter than my addiction which I certainly am not. I have given up my addiction to my Higher Power and know I am powerless which is why I need assistance. I have found this assistance and my life is working out for the very best.

I couldn’t help but to think these things as I read those words. I certainly know oh too well the mind of a “gamble-a-holic” because that is what I am. However, even though this will always be in my mind through recovery I am becoming the person I need to be which is a thoughtful, kind, caring, honest person. I can’t go back and erase my mistakes. I can only live for today while learning from those mistakes. I choose to live positively and know everything is going in the right direction.

"Bizarro"

There have been plenty of dull moments in the past 17 ½ months but for the most part those dull moments have passed quickly. This especially has been the case since I arrived here at camp over 7 months ago. I have now been here longer than any other stop on this destination and I can positively say the time is moving along.

The first part of my journey started in the county jail and those 30 days seemed like an eternity back then.
I moved from there to the reception center in Delano where I resided for 10 weeks that went a little faster than the previous stop.
From the reception center I moved on to Jamestown where I spent 7 months. I molded a very good routine and that time went by very quickly.
Now here at camp I have an even better routine and on the weekends I have been able to receive visits. Also, I was able to have two family visits – one with my children – and one with only my wife. I have 50 some odd days left on my sentence and I have certainly hit the home stretch. I continue my routine and even in those dull moments I have never said I wish this would end. Invariably, the day passes and starts up once again.

This has been the case the past few months. The holidays interrupted the routine a bit but even those days went by remarkably fast. As I came to the end of this journey, I am very grateful for everything. My post prison days are coming together very nicely as I have a place to live along with a car and a job. I have no doubt everything will continue to workout and hopefully I will be rejoined by my family shortly. Hopefully ~ Whatever is meant to be will be as I know this has been the case all along.

Last night I was talking with my roommate as I do every night. I was telling him about my misdeeds and filling in some blanks. As I recounted those misdeeds I realized I was one messed up fella! The risks I continued to take were insane. It is so strange looking back through recovery and really wondering what the heck I was thinking. The problem was I was not thinking, I was just doing. It was almost as if I were trapped in box and couldn’t get out without assistance. The problem being I did not know how to ask for help until I was caught. This is exactly how it had to happen in order for me to enter recovery. If I had gotten away with those misdeeds there would be another crash sometime in the future. All of the warning signs were all around me but I chose to ignore them. Thankfully, I no longer ignore the fact that I am a compulsive gambler and will always be one. However, I am now one who is in recovery and my life continues to get better each and everyday.

It is funny how my dreams seemed to be unleashed when I talk about my previous escapades. I had a fairly lengthy discussion with my roommate and my subconscious must have been working overtime. I had many dreams last night but I don’t remember specifics from any of them. I realized it is not good to relive the past but as the GA Program states it is okay to visit. I don’t do this often which is good but it is also good with the occasional visit. The past is what it is and cannot be changed. I must be mindful not to dwell but I am equally mindful to not ignore my past. There are so many lessons in my past and through recovery I continue to learn more and more about myself. I am grateful for this learning experience and know I have so much more to learn.

After all the dreams it was time to get out of bed and go workout. The big rainstorm is moving into the region and with it the temperature remained mild.

It was time for me to get my side of the room ready to adhere to another new regulation. Typically on Mondays there are room inspections and each room must be inspection ready. This has been taken a step a further as everyday appears to be an inspection ready day. It really is quite comical because it really isn’t anything like being in the military yet everything must be squared away. I think this is the goal but I know I fall very short. I just take my excess items (papers, pads, books and pens) and shove them into my locker only to take them out a few hours later. I believe I understand the concept but it seems in practice this doesn’t work out as it is intended. It does put a little smile on my face as so many other incidents like these do as well. Everything does go back to an episode of “Seinfeld” and truly this prison experience is “bizzaro-world.” I have sort of gotten used to it as I am more numb than anything. However, there are still occasions where I just shake my head and laugh to myself. Make no mistake coming to prison is no laughing matter but certain incidents just can’t be explained because it is “bizzaro-world.”

Holidays Complete

The stretch started with Thanksgiving and ended yesterday with New Year’s Day. For all intents and purposes the holidays that I have been separated from my family are all complete. The only real family celebration remaining are my children’s birthdays in February. Yes, I won’t be with them on their actual birthdays but I hope to see them soon after in March. Worst-case scenario - I do plan on attending my daughter’s first communion in April. I have made it through the difficult stages and I am very much looking forward to my release next month which is coming shortly.

The warm winds were whipping up last night and I almost got blown away walking into the bathroom through the breezeway entrance. I guess this is a mini Santa Ana wind event as the temperature has risen and it was anything but cold last night. The heater in the dorm must not be on a thermostat because ever since it was fixed the heat keeps blowing out no matter how warm it is inside or outside. We do have to sleep with the window open because it is just too hot. This prison world is definitely filled with extremes as a month ago it was so cold in the dorm I needed three blankets and last night I didn’t need any.

Effective January 1, 2008 the fire camps are allowed to have weights and subsequently we inmates are allowed to lift weights. Nothing has changed since I last worked out with weights two days ago. The only difference now is we no longer have to hide them. It was the worst kept secret I have ever seen. Everyone in the camp knew there are weights but there were some “no-no’s” when working out such as stopping when officers were nearby. Now it is okay to workout and the area is officially called the “weight pile.” There is also another rumor stating that the camp is going to purchase real weights in dumbbells, bars, and weight plates. Supposedly, money has been set aside for each camp. My roommate has even done some research, but the proper approval has yet to be given. This could be very nice but the timing could be suspect. The State of California faces a tremendous deficit and is looking to cut from all its state run agencies most notably schools and prisons. I don’t know how well received an expenditure for weights in the prisons would be when certain school programs will be cut. I would be very surprised if the camp does receive the “weight” allotment by the time I am released next month. It would be wonderful to have some dumbbells I could actually lift with proper form but I can certainly wait another 8 weeks as I enter the free world.

I almost forgot to mention that I called my mother yesterday afternoon to wish her a Happy New Year. My wife told her about the great news from Sunday’s GA meeting. My mother was very excited for the job offer and me. As my mom pointed out everything is working out for the very best and Thank God for the GA Program. If it wasn’t for GA and the exceptional people in the Program, I would be at a total loss. It is all because of GA I am well on my way to recovery and an incredible life. My housing, transportation, and job are all tied to GA. Yes, if it wasn’t for the Program I would not be able to find my way.

The conversation with my mother was wonderful and as much as I try to say everything in the first 15 minutes, we inevitably go over just as we did yesterday. I had to call my mother back for another 15 minute allotment and another costly collect call. Since my mom will be here in 2 ½ weeks, my telephone contact with her should be lessened this month and hopefully this will save her money. My mother has been great throughout this whole ordeal and I could hear the relief in her voice along with so much excitement regarding my new job.

The temperature today was in the low 70’s and I enjoyed being in the warm sunshine watching the squirrels scurry around. I am so glad I have slowed down to really enjoy life. Dr. Dyer talks about being still and in the stillness comes wonderment. As I sit here very still I can hear the wind blow, the birds chirp, and the leaves rustle. I may not be in such a peaceful place physically for along time to come, but I intend to be in a peaceful place mentally and spiritually for a long time to come.

Happy New Year 2008!

New Year’s Eve continued with myself and my roommate waving off from dinner. The dinner was a special collection of beef and pork which neither one of us eat. Fortunately, my roommate was able to “find” an alternative in that he found a lone leftover soy sausage. He prepared us two soy sausage sandwiches on hoagie rolls. This was certainly a better alternative from the beef and pork delights. First, we walked around the camp while everyone was having dinner. Then we went back to our room to eat our sandwiches. This wasn’t the most ideal New Year’s Eve dinner, but it certainly worked well for both of us. We ate and talked which seemed to be the “MO” for the evening.

My roommate was able to get a copy of the day’s local newspaper which we both read, and the rest of the evening was filled with conversation. I also broke out a bag of the Trader Joe Trail Mix which was delicious as we ate this with our nightly tea. My roommate wanted to stay up and ring in the New Year at midnight. I would have been happy turning in at the usual time (9:00 p.m.), but my roommate had other ideas. Amazingly, we both stayed awake until midnight which we counted down from our watches. As the clock struck midnight, we wished each other a Happy New Year, and one second later, I believe we fell asleep. This did have significance for each of us as we are both being released this year. It is wonderful to say “I get out this year.” In fact, I get out next month! My roommate still has another 8 months remaining, but he, too, is grateful to get out this year.

Staying awake until midnight was the latest I have stayed awake in a very long time and the latest I have stayed awake here at camp. I was somewhat surprised that the camp was very quiet last night. There were a few sounds after midnight, but for the most part, everyone was asleep. I was speaking to another inmate prior to midnight who informed me this was his fourth New Year’s Eve incarcerated, and he hadn’t seen midnight in any of those four. He also went on to state he has two more New Year’s Eve’s remaining before he is released. This certainly puts it in a better perspective for me because last night marked the second and final New Year’s Eve I was incarcerated. God willing, next New Year’s Eve I will be with my family.

Sleep did come quite easy after the late night, and there was no early morning workout this morning. My roommate and I both agreed today would be a day off from any weight exercises. We were true to our word and got up much later than normal. I was going to wave off for breakfast because there was no hot cereal; however, my roommate convinced me to go with him. Fortunately, the cold cereal was Corn Flakes as opposed to the Cocoa Puffs that was served last week on Christmas. We both ate the cold cereal as we went without the beef burrito served later today. The breakfast was uneventful, and I headed back to my room.

It seems these holidays, especially New Year’s Day (today), are Chamber of Commerce weather days. There was a breeze, but the temperatures approached 70 degrees. I did by bathroom porter duties and decided to run a few laps. My legs were well rested, and I donned my earphones for a two-hour run. I was in a zone as I ran listening to the music and had a very good run. After the run and subsequent shower, I continued a longstanding tradition of watching College Football on New Year’s Day. I watched a very entertaining game between the University of Michigan and the University of Florida. It was too bad for my friend who is an alumnus from the University of Florida as they were beaten.

The day of the New Year has come, and I am very grateful. I made it through the holidays, and as long as I stay committed in recovery, I will never have to spend another Christmas through New Year’s Day holiday season incarcerated. I do look forward to many more holidays with my family because, even though I continue to make the very best of this, being without my family is no fun. I don’t believe I have ever underappreciated my family, but now I realize how fleeting life can be. This is why I am grateful for each and every day in recovery. Life is truly beautiful, and I do know 2008 will be a very special year. Happy New Year!!