Yesterday afternoon, I tried to contact my wife to inform her of the news regarding the denial of my transfer of parole to Las Vegas. I was unsuccessful in reaching her because that dreaded “billing block” was once again on the telephone line. The “billing block” occurs when we exceed the allotted billing amount required by the long distance carrier that provides the collect calls from here. This occurs whether or not my wife receives a bill. When the amount is reached, she can no longer receive collect calls from me until the balance is paid. I have gone on and on regarding the collect call situation which, in my mind, borders anti-trust violations since it is a monopoly. I won’t get into that again, but it is frustrating. Since I couldn’t contact my wife, I telephoned my mother last night. I was able to reach my mom, and we spoke for 30 minutes, which equals to too much money. Anyhow, I recounted the wonderful family visit with my wife, and I told her about my parole not being transferred. As always, my mother was very supportive. She did mention that our dear friends in Las Vegas would be disappointed I wouldn’t be coming to live with them. This is also disappointing to me, but everything does happen for a reason, and as my mother pointed out, I have a much better support network here in southern California than anywhere else. I am truly blessed with all the wonderful friends I continue to make through the GA program. Another positive is I will be able to attend those fantastic GA meetings I have become accustomed to. Yes, it will work out for the very best.
The telephone call with my mother was wonderful, and as I was talking with her, the thought of me being separated from my family for another 13 months occurred to me. I cannot and will not dwell on this issue as it is up to my wife if she wants to rejoin me here in southern California when the children finish school next June. I certainly don’t want to bounce the children all around the country; however, I do want to reconnect with them as soon as possible. This decision is not mine to make, and I do believe my wife will decide what works best for her. I cannot lie and say this is easy because it certainly is not. I need to let it go and trust and believe everything will be as intended.
As I wrote that last line, a thought just occurred to me. The key word is intention as in “The Power of Intention.” I do have a long way to go in order to live my daily life as Dr. Dyer prescribes. Thankfully, through recovery, I am more accepting as I have ever been which is a key concept in “The Power of Intention.” Everything does happen for a reason, and I will not fret about it. My intention was to work and live in Las Vegas; however, there is another intention, and I will go with it and see where it takes me. I can only “control” my own thoughts, and hopefully, I am getting my ego out of the way. As long as I can stay focused in recovery, my life will continue to improve.
The telephone call with my mother ended too quickly, and it was time to say our goodbyes. I hung up the telephone, went back to my room, and had a hot cup of tea along with some cold medication. My cold was taking its course, and this cold is very different than any other cold I have had. Usually, my colds start in my throat and go into my nose. This cold skipped the throat altogether and went right into my nose. Hopefully, this means the cold will be over sooner as opposed to later. I did take the cold medication, and my roommate convinced me to go into the television room to watch the show “Nip & Tuck.” I had never seen this before, but my roommate recommended it. We stayed for about 20 minutes of the hour-long program as it wasn’t a very good episode. We then returned to our room where I promptly retired to sleep as the cold medication kicked in. I slept rather uneventfully, and when it was time for me to get up to go running, I was feeling better. I did run this morning, but I only ran for 90 minutes instead of the usual two hours.
The run was over, and it was shower, breakfast, and work time. Everything was going as usual until my name was announced over the PA system. I went to the office, and it was time for the urinalysis test. The little glitch had been rectified, and as required, I must submit to the test. I have no issue with taking this test. The problem was I wasn’t ready to “go.” I needed to drink some water, and I downed 12 8-ounce glasses. I thought I was ready, but I got a large case of “stage fright.” The urinalysis must be done in the presence of another party, and it was a bit unnerving trying to go in front of someone else. Fortunately there wasn’t any pressure from the other parties, and I was allowed to “go” at my leisure. Of course once I started to “go,” I continued every 10 minutes for the entire morning! After the test, I returned to the bathrooms and my cleaning.
In the afternoon, I was able to phone my wife. I did inform her of the news that I am relegated to the state of California while on parole. My wife was disappointed for me that I won’t be able to work at the Recovery Center in Las Vegas as it does make getting on my feet a bit more difficult. I did broach the subject of what we talked about over the weekend, and her decision will still be made during the time of my release and when the children finish school in June. I brought up the fact that the children will need to be registered for school our here prior to June, and my wife seemed to understand. She did say she had a wonderful weekend, and so did I. The issue regarding when we will all be together still needs to be decided, and it will in due time. I was also able to speak with my daughter and son. I congratulated my daughter on her report card of all A’s (yes, straight A’s and the only one in her class who received this). She was very gracious and said, “Thank you.” She also told me about her Christmas concert last night where she played the clarinet and informed me she “squeaked” only once. Her next concert will be in May. She went on to say that maybe I will be able to come to her concert in May. At this point, I cannot answer her, but it is a wonderful thought. I spoke with my son who continues to mature with every telephone call. I spoke to him about his report card which contained B’s and C’s. I did not chastise him for this. I did say “good job.” He told me with prompting that the grades will get better, and I do believe him. I thoroughly enjoy speaking with my children and know in 12 week’s time that at the very least I can call them anytime and without the huge fees. I do suspect I will be able to visit with them soon after my release, and I can’t wait. I have been blessed with a magnificent family, and I am very fortunate.
The telephone call ended, and I went back to my room with the intention of writing. Instead, I was given a local newspaper which I read for a while. I did start writing, but ever since I got back from the family visit, I have been in a bit of a writing malaise. I have always been so good in responding letters; however, I have four letters which need a response. I got involved in a conversation with my roommate, and the afternoon was over. I’m not sure if I will get to these letters this evening, so if anyone is awaiting a response, please be patient. It will be sent soon.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
The Good And The Not So Good
I came back into camp yesterday and decompressed. I really don’t feel like doing anything. There was yet another issue with the urine analysis test I was required to take upon entering camp. I won’t go into the boring details, but I can say that if it is not one thing, it is something else. I spent most of the day talking with my friends and reliving the fabulous weekend with my wife. Yesterday afternoon, I noticed my nose started running, and I came to find out that my roommate spent the last three days fighting a cold. Also, there seems to be many guys in camp with the same cold symptoms, so something is going around. I really didn’t think much of it and went about my day.
I spent the evening reading a “Runner’s World” magazine which my wife bought. I forgot how much I enjoyed this magazine as all the articles are superb. After finishing the magazine, I read some more of “Drop Slot,” and then I settled into bed. I had a strange encounter as I started to drift off to sleep. I was wakened and informed the trash containers in the bathroom needed to be emptied. I was half asleep during this encounter, but I did get the message. I got out of bed and emptied these trash containers. This was yet one of the endless examples of powerlessness. If not for anything else, powerlessness is my over theme for these past 17 months and ever since I entered recovery almost three years ago. This has been, and continues to be, a great lesson to me at every step of the way.
The trash was disposed of, and I went back to sleep. The running nose manifested itself into a sinus headache, and when it came time for me to get up and exercise, I thought better of it. Instead of exercising, I took a cold pill and stayed in bed. Just to think, 24 hours earlier I was waking up feeling great next to my wife, and now my head was throbbing with a runny nose. I felt a little better after taking the cold medication and went off to breakfast. I resumed my normal program, and in spite of the cold, everything was going along smoothly until I entered the office. I went into the office to get a pair of latex gloves, but much to my surprise, I was told there was a telephone call for me. Receiving telephone calls in here never seems to be a positive occasion. The firth thought that went through my head was my wife as she flew back last night. I hoped the telephone call didn’t have to do with her. Thankfully, it didn’t, which was good; however, the telephone conversation fit into the category of not so good.
On the telephone was the counselor. She called to inform me that the transfer of my parole would NOT transpire. The paperwork had been submitted to Jamestown for processing. As the folks in Jamestown were processing the paperwork, they noticed I owe restitution. Taking a step back, the question I always had was could I transfer my paroled to another state while owing restitution? I had heard from my sources that I could not; however, I have never seen anything in writing stating this, and I thought the counselor “forgot” about my restitution and that I am prohibited from transferring parole to another state because of the restitution. This is the reason why the counselor called me to inform me the paperwork CANNOT be processed due to the restitution.
I was a bit disappointed because I really thought I would have been informed that I could not transfer paroled at an earlier time. On the positive side at least, the counselor called now as opposed to the day before my parole date. This also means the discussion my wife and I had at the family visit is moot. Now, we need to enter into a new discussion because I can be bound to California for at the most 13 months and the least 6 months. As it stands now, I must remain in California for 13 months while I complete parole. It appears I cannot transfer my parole to any other state while I owe restitution. I don’t foresee paying off my restitution in 13 months, so I will have to reside in California for that period of time. I still have several questions regarding restitution which can only be answered by a parole officer. One of the questions is is my parole dependent on me fulfilling the restitution obligation and what happens at the end of 13 months?
I now have to come up with plan B. One of my very dear friends did offer me a place to live. I will have to take my friend up on this because I have no place to live. I will also have to come up with a plan to get a job. I do firmly believe everything will work out for the very best. Right now, there are a few challenges ahead, and the Las Vegas opportunity fit much nicer. Oh well, it does all fall back to being powerless to the situation I put myself in. I don’t have the option of transferring to another state even though I have a job opportunity and a place to live. I do have a plan that has been festering in my mind, and now I will have to put this plan in action.
I got off the telephone and did have feelings of disappointment. I must admit I was frustrated at this news, but as the day wore on, I accepted this news as something I cannot change. My cold also seemed to worsen during the day, but I did try to sweat it out in the afternoon as I hiked the hill. As I was hiking the hill, I was thinking about the whole parole issue and came to the conclusion this news will give me the kick I so needed to do what I would like to do. I won’t go into detail at this point in time, but I have written about this at an earlier time. Sure, it would have been much easier to move to Las Vegas and work at the Recovery Center while living with my dear friends. This option is no longer available, so it is on to plan B. I do wonder what my wife is going to say about all of this. Does it mean I will be without my family until March of 2009? Of course, I have no answers to these questions, but I do know life (specifically my life) has so many twists and turns; however, it always works out as intended. Sure, my intention was to move to Las Vegas, but apparently, someone (or something) has a different plan for me.
I spent the evening reading a “Runner’s World” magazine which my wife bought. I forgot how much I enjoyed this magazine as all the articles are superb. After finishing the magazine, I read some more of “Drop Slot,” and then I settled into bed. I had a strange encounter as I started to drift off to sleep. I was wakened and informed the trash containers in the bathroom needed to be emptied. I was half asleep during this encounter, but I did get the message. I got out of bed and emptied these trash containers. This was yet one of the endless examples of powerlessness. If not for anything else, powerlessness is my over theme for these past 17 months and ever since I entered recovery almost three years ago. This has been, and continues to be, a great lesson to me at every step of the way.
The trash was disposed of, and I went back to sleep. The running nose manifested itself into a sinus headache, and when it came time for me to get up and exercise, I thought better of it. Instead of exercising, I took a cold pill and stayed in bed. Just to think, 24 hours earlier I was waking up feeling great next to my wife, and now my head was throbbing with a runny nose. I felt a little better after taking the cold medication and went off to breakfast. I resumed my normal program, and in spite of the cold, everything was going along smoothly until I entered the office. I went into the office to get a pair of latex gloves, but much to my surprise, I was told there was a telephone call for me. Receiving telephone calls in here never seems to be a positive occasion. The firth thought that went through my head was my wife as she flew back last night. I hoped the telephone call didn’t have to do with her. Thankfully, it didn’t, which was good; however, the telephone conversation fit into the category of not so good.
On the telephone was the counselor. She called to inform me that the transfer of my parole would NOT transpire. The paperwork had been submitted to Jamestown for processing. As the folks in Jamestown were processing the paperwork, they noticed I owe restitution. Taking a step back, the question I always had was could I transfer my paroled to another state while owing restitution? I had heard from my sources that I could not; however, I have never seen anything in writing stating this, and I thought the counselor “forgot” about my restitution and that I am prohibited from transferring parole to another state because of the restitution. This is the reason why the counselor called me to inform me the paperwork CANNOT be processed due to the restitution.
I was a bit disappointed because I really thought I would have been informed that I could not transfer paroled at an earlier time. On the positive side at least, the counselor called now as opposed to the day before my parole date. This also means the discussion my wife and I had at the family visit is moot. Now, we need to enter into a new discussion because I can be bound to California for at the most 13 months and the least 6 months. As it stands now, I must remain in California for 13 months while I complete parole. It appears I cannot transfer my parole to any other state while I owe restitution. I don’t foresee paying off my restitution in 13 months, so I will have to reside in California for that period of time. I still have several questions regarding restitution which can only be answered by a parole officer. One of the questions is is my parole dependent on me fulfilling the restitution obligation and what happens at the end of 13 months?
I now have to come up with plan B. One of my very dear friends did offer me a place to live. I will have to take my friend up on this because I have no place to live. I will also have to come up with a plan to get a job. I do firmly believe everything will work out for the very best. Right now, there are a few challenges ahead, and the Las Vegas opportunity fit much nicer. Oh well, it does all fall back to being powerless to the situation I put myself in. I don’t have the option of transferring to another state even though I have a job opportunity and a place to live. I do have a plan that has been festering in my mind, and now I will have to put this plan in action.
I got off the telephone and did have feelings of disappointment. I must admit I was frustrated at this news, but as the day wore on, I accepted this news as something I cannot change. My cold also seemed to worsen during the day, but I did try to sweat it out in the afternoon as I hiked the hill. As I was hiking the hill, I was thinking about the whole parole issue and came to the conclusion this news will give me the kick I so needed to do what I would like to do. I won’t go into detail at this point in time, but I have written about this at an earlier time. Sure, it would have been much easier to move to Las Vegas and work at the Recovery Center while living with my dear friends. This option is no longer available, so it is on to plan B. I do wonder what my wife is going to say about all of this. Does it mean I will be without my family until March of 2009? Of course, I have no answers to these questions, but I do know life (specifically my life) has so many twists and turns; however, it always works out as intended. Sure, my intention was to move to Las Vegas, but apparently, someone (or something) has a different plan for me.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Family Visit With My Wife
November 30th (Friday) – December 3rd (Monday)
Where should I start because every minute of the past three days has been exceptional? I got to spend that time with my wife without any interruptions. To say the weekend was great would not give it any justice. It started on Friday with the arrival of my wife. The visit started much like our previous family visit with the children back in July as my wife arrived an hour later than expected. Unfortunately, our dear friend who was kind enough to drive my wife experienced a dead battery which delayed their arrival by an hour. Thankfully, the jump was successful, and when I looked in the office, I saw my wife’s beautiful smile which brought an immediate smile to me. I quickly entered the office and greeted my wife with a quick kiss. She was smiling from ear to ear in spite of the technical difficulties of her arrival. I was more than happy to see her, and we proceeded with the check-in for the family visit. Everything went extremely smoothly, and within minutes, we were alone in the family visiting cottage where we embraced and kissed. My wife gets more and more beautiful with every passing day. She is a beautiful woman on the outside and most definitely on the inside. We held each other for a long time.
The bags were unloaded, and we again held each other. This was the first time we were alone in almost 17 months, and it was certainly a long time coming. I am so fortunate to be in a place where I am able to have these types of visits. Once again, this journey continues to work out for the very best. The day on Friday was cold and rainy. I could not have asked for better day weather wise because it was a great day to be inside. In fact, the entire weekend was very brisk by southern California standards. One of my neighbors deemed it “baby-making weather!” I can understand why he stated this, but for us, this doesn’t apply as our baby-making days ended almost seven years ago with the birth of our son. We most certainly did have a wonderful time.
That first day my wife did bring up the proverbial “elephant in the room” with the much needed discussion of our future. Back in July, we discussed possibilities regarding our future, but we really didn’t come to any solid agreements as to the future because where I could and could not parole to was in limbo. A month ago, or maybe more, I received word on a very promising job prospect in Las Vegas, and without really discussing it together, I went ahead and applied for a transfer of my parole to Las Vegas in hopes of this job opportunity panning out. When I spoke to my wife about this, I received a somewhat subdued reaction. I really thought the plan would be for me to reside in Las Vegas with our very dear friends from March until June when our children finish the school year. As the school year finished, my wife and children would join me. Well, my wife has other thoughts because she has become quite comfortable surrounded by family. We talked at length about this, and my wife is very conflicted. She had a whole list of questions, and we through that list. Unfortunately, I couldn’t answer any of those questions because they all called for speculation as there weren’t any definites yet. We did have a very nice discussion, and I am not one for pressuring my wife. My hopes are that we can all be reunited as soon as possible. I love my family with all my heart and soul. What I did was wrong in so many ways, and the consequences of my actions will continue even after I am released.
There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can only focus on today and believe everything will work out for the very best. We really didn’t come to any solution, but we did agree that a decision would be made by the time I arrived in Las Vegas (most likely in March) and the time the children finish school in June. There is a possibility that my family will remain in New Jersey until I complete parole which would be March of 2009. I really don’t like to think of this prospect because I don’t want to be away from my family that long. There will be visits, and I will see them more than I have seen them in these past 17 months. Also, I will be able to communicate with them much more often through the telephone and e-mail. It will not be as difficult as it has been, and although not the most ideal situation, we will make it work out for the very best. This is something in the future, so there is no sense in me dwelling on it, because it may or may not even happen.
With the “elephant in the room” properly disposed of, we had three blissful days. I made it a point to wait on my wife all weekend long. I did most of the cooking and all of the cleaning while my wife relaxed. This is the least I could do after subjecting her to a very bad situation. I did my best to make her feel comfortable, and we had a wonderful time. The food was exceptional and the company out of this world. We spent three blissful days together, and our biggest activity was playing scrabble!
It was wonderful spending those three days with my wife, and it does make me want to accelerate the next three months. My wife had such a great time she wanted to stay. I had such a great time I wanted to leave. Well, neither one of those were options for us because I still have time to serve, and I don’t think my wife could stow away. Monday morning came way too fast, and I had no idea 68 hours could go by that quickly. I sure didn’t want her to leave, but I will see her on February 27th which is right around the corner. If every three days go this fast, my release date will be here in the blink of an eye. Yes, it was Monday so quickly, and it was time for my wife to depart. Our very dear friend arrived to pick her up. Prior to their arrival, my wife and I hugged for a very long time. I love her so very much, and yes, I am still very sorry for what I have done to her and the children. It is moments like these that make me think of what I have put them through. No, I won’t harp on it or I would be a basket case. I am moving forward through recovery (thank God), and each day continues to be better.
The family visit with my wife had concluded this morning, and I had a wonderful time. I was very much looking forward to it, and it was everything I had envisioned and more. I was very sad to see my wife depart; however, the next time I see her (in a little over 12 weeks) I won’t be wearing orange, and it will be a glorious morning. The day is approaching, and in the meantime, I will keep on doing I have done for almost the past 17 months, which is living each day one at a time.
Where should I start because every minute of the past three days has been exceptional? I got to spend that time with my wife without any interruptions. To say the weekend was great would not give it any justice. It started on Friday with the arrival of my wife. The visit started much like our previous family visit with the children back in July as my wife arrived an hour later than expected. Unfortunately, our dear friend who was kind enough to drive my wife experienced a dead battery which delayed their arrival by an hour. Thankfully, the jump was successful, and when I looked in the office, I saw my wife’s beautiful smile which brought an immediate smile to me. I quickly entered the office and greeted my wife with a quick kiss. She was smiling from ear to ear in spite of the technical difficulties of her arrival. I was more than happy to see her, and we proceeded with the check-in for the family visit. Everything went extremely smoothly, and within minutes, we were alone in the family visiting cottage where we embraced and kissed. My wife gets more and more beautiful with every passing day. She is a beautiful woman on the outside and most definitely on the inside. We held each other for a long time.
The bags were unloaded, and we again held each other. This was the first time we were alone in almost 17 months, and it was certainly a long time coming. I am so fortunate to be in a place where I am able to have these types of visits. Once again, this journey continues to work out for the very best. The day on Friday was cold and rainy. I could not have asked for better day weather wise because it was a great day to be inside. In fact, the entire weekend was very brisk by southern California standards. One of my neighbors deemed it “baby-making weather!” I can understand why he stated this, but for us, this doesn’t apply as our baby-making days ended almost seven years ago with the birth of our son. We most certainly did have a wonderful time.
That first day my wife did bring up the proverbial “elephant in the room” with the much needed discussion of our future. Back in July, we discussed possibilities regarding our future, but we really didn’t come to any solid agreements as to the future because where I could and could not parole to was in limbo. A month ago, or maybe more, I received word on a very promising job prospect in Las Vegas, and without really discussing it together, I went ahead and applied for a transfer of my parole to Las Vegas in hopes of this job opportunity panning out. When I spoke to my wife about this, I received a somewhat subdued reaction. I really thought the plan would be for me to reside in Las Vegas with our very dear friends from March until June when our children finish the school year. As the school year finished, my wife and children would join me. Well, my wife has other thoughts because she has become quite comfortable surrounded by family. We talked at length about this, and my wife is very conflicted. She had a whole list of questions, and we through that list. Unfortunately, I couldn’t answer any of those questions because they all called for speculation as there weren’t any definites yet. We did have a very nice discussion, and I am not one for pressuring my wife. My hopes are that we can all be reunited as soon as possible. I love my family with all my heart and soul. What I did was wrong in so many ways, and the consequences of my actions will continue even after I am released.
There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can only focus on today and believe everything will work out for the very best. We really didn’t come to any solution, but we did agree that a decision would be made by the time I arrived in Las Vegas (most likely in March) and the time the children finish school in June. There is a possibility that my family will remain in New Jersey until I complete parole which would be March of 2009. I really don’t like to think of this prospect because I don’t want to be away from my family that long. There will be visits, and I will see them more than I have seen them in these past 17 months. Also, I will be able to communicate with them much more often through the telephone and e-mail. It will not be as difficult as it has been, and although not the most ideal situation, we will make it work out for the very best. This is something in the future, so there is no sense in me dwelling on it, because it may or may not even happen.
With the “elephant in the room” properly disposed of, we had three blissful days. I made it a point to wait on my wife all weekend long. I did most of the cooking and all of the cleaning while my wife relaxed. This is the least I could do after subjecting her to a very bad situation. I did my best to make her feel comfortable, and we had a wonderful time. The food was exceptional and the company out of this world. We spent three blissful days together, and our biggest activity was playing scrabble!
It was wonderful spending those three days with my wife, and it does make me want to accelerate the next three months. My wife had such a great time she wanted to stay. I had such a great time I wanted to leave. Well, neither one of those were options for us because I still have time to serve, and I don’t think my wife could stow away. Monday morning came way too fast, and I had no idea 68 hours could go by that quickly. I sure didn’t want her to leave, but I will see her on February 27th which is right around the corner. If every three days go this fast, my release date will be here in the blink of an eye. Yes, it was Monday so quickly, and it was time for my wife to depart. Our very dear friend arrived to pick her up. Prior to their arrival, my wife and I hugged for a very long time. I love her so very much, and yes, I am still very sorry for what I have done to her and the children. It is moments like these that make me think of what I have put them through. No, I won’t harp on it or I would be a basket case. I am moving forward through recovery (thank God), and each day continues to be better.
The family visit with my wife had concluded this morning, and I had a wonderful time. I was very much looking forward to it, and it was everything I had envisioned and more. I was very sad to see my wife depart; however, the next time I see her (in a little over 12 weeks) I won’t be wearing orange, and it will be a glorious morning. The day is approaching, and in the meantime, I will keep on doing I have done for almost the past 17 months, which is living each day one at a time.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Oh, That Guilt and Shame
Now it is 22 hours before the arrival of my wife for our family visit. Just wanted to provide an update. Even now and again, my subconscious makes me fully aware of what I have done. This is not to say that I am clueless to what I have done to my family and myself. However, I do my best to put the past in the past and learn from those horrible mistakes. Last night my subconscious took over and I had one those guilt and shame dreams. I can remember only bits and pieces but the theme was definitely guilt and shame. I was in an office setting with people I used to work with all through my working careers. I can remember walking down one of the corridors and thinking everyone was looking at me in shame. I ran into a few of those people I used to work with and all I could see them do is shake their heads in disgust. I’m not quite sure where or why this dream soundly cropped up. I don’t know if it has anything to do with my wife’s arrival and if I had to guess I would say it probably does. Yes, I do my best to live in the present with a very positive attitude. This is the case 98% of the time, but there are still times where that remaining 2% hits me in my subconscious mind. Thankfully, these dreams are few and far between or I would be in big trouble. I take this dream as a reminder and I will file it away. Over the course of my lifetime I have had a habit of conveniently forgetting about those previous mistakes. It would be very difficult for me to forget these past three years. However, if I weren’t in recovery, I would probably forget like I did all those other times.
Are forgiving and forgetting synonymous? I think not; however, part of forgiving is to place the past in the past. This does not mean to forget at all, it means to move forward learning everyday to be a better person. Obviously, I still have those thoughts of guilt and shame as it is in my subconscious. I do not dwell in the past and do live life one day at a time. I could analyze this dream to death and doing so wouldn’t do me any good. I suspect these dreams do pop up from time to time which does serve as a good reminder. What I have done was terrible to my family and myself. However, I have experienced so many wonderful things because of those terrible actions and I am eternally grateful. Yes, it was extremely bad but everyday it gets better and better.
Nothing really interesting happened with the exception of the meeting on how to attack staphococous. (sp?) Yes, this is a large problem in the Ca prison system but thankfully not here. It all ties in to the overcrowding issue which I have beaten to death. Of course, staph breeds in the bathrooms and I do my very best to kill all of the germs. The supplies I use need to be improved and this should happen. I will continue to do my very best in keeping the bathroom areas as clean as possible.
As I conclude, my wife will be here in 21 hours and 30 minutes!
Are forgiving and forgetting synonymous? I think not; however, part of forgiving is to place the past in the past. This does not mean to forget at all, it means to move forward learning everyday to be a better person. Obviously, I still have those thoughts of guilt and shame as it is in my subconscious. I do not dwell in the past and do live life one day at a time. I could analyze this dream to death and doing so wouldn’t do me any good. I suspect these dreams do pop up from time to time which does serve as a good reminder. What I have done was terrible to my family and myself. However, I have experienced so many wonderful things because of those terrible actions and I am eternally grateful. Yes, it was extremely bad but everyday it gets better and better.
Nothing really interesting happened with the exception of the meeting on how to attack staphococous. (sp?) Yes, this is a large problem in the Ca prison system but thankfully not here. It all ties in to the overcrowding issue which I have beaten to death. Of course, staph breeds in the bathrooms and I do my very best to kill all of the germs. The supplies I use need to be improved and this should happen. I will continue to do my very best in keeping the bathroom areas as clean as possible.
As I conclude, my wife will be here in 21 hours and 30 minutes!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Counting the Hours
The simplistic terms of my life continue and when I really think about my day there really isn’t much to write about. My weekdays are broken into segments; wake up, go workout, shower, go to breakfast, clean the bathrooms, have lunch, read, write or workout in the afternoon, have dinner, talk with my roommate, read or write, go to sleep – then do it all over again. There is a certain rhythm to my day and even in the sameness the days do pass soon enough. Last night I will admit I started counting the hours until my wife arrives. As I write this she will be here in less than 48 hours.
I can’t wait to see her On Friday and I know our time together this weekend will go by quickly, but I intend to enjoy every moment. The last time we were alone together were the three days before my sentencing hearing and back then I know I was very nervous. This setting in prison is not exactly ideal for a weekend getaway but it is the very best we have at the moment. I do foresee many more weekends away with my wife in our future and this weekend will be wonderful. Hey who needs the Ritz-Carlton!
It was time to clean the bathrooms and I have gotten used to working by myself. I have employed a tactic given to me by my mother many years ago. When I was a kid I was lazy (for lack of a better word!) and getting me to clean up my room was indeed a chore. I remember my mother imploring me to clean my room. She even went as far to tell me to make it a game. Back then I didn’t want anything to do with cleaning and I thought her game idea was absurd. Well, many years later, I see so much validity in my mother’s advice. Now as I clean the bathrooms, I do make a game of it and being alone I truly get into my own little world. Each day I try to charge it up a little and it has become a fun game to me. It still takes me much longer then previously, but I don’t mind it all. Where am I going? I do have all the time in the world - that is up until February 27th. I had no ideas that cleaning bathrooms that 120 inmates use on a daily basis could actually be fun – but it is!
As I close, my wife will be here in 46 hours and 40 minutes!!!!
I can’t wait to see her On Friday and I know our time together this weekend will go by quickly, but I intend to enjoy every moment. The last time we were alone together were the three days before my sentencing hearing and back then I know I was very nervous. This setting in prison is not exactly ideal for a weekend getaway but it is the very best we have at the moment. I do foresee many more weekends away with my wife in our future and this weekend will be wonderful. Hey who needs the Ritz-Carlton!
It was time to clean the bathrooms and I have gotten used to working by myself. I have employed a tactic given to me by my mother many years ago. When I was a kid I was lazy (for lack of a better word!) and getting me to clean up my room was indeed a chore. I remember my mother imploring me to clean my room. She even went as far to tell me to make it a game. Back then I didn’t want anything to do with cleaning and I thought her game idea was absurd. Well, many years later, I see so much validity in my mother’s advice. Now as I clean the bathrooms, I do make a game of it and being alone I truly get into my own little world. Each day I try to charge it up a little and it has become a fun game to me. It still takes me much longer then previously, but I don’t mind it all. Where am I going? I do have all the time in the world - that is up until February 27th. I had no ideas that cleaning bathrooms that 120 inmates use on a daily basis could actually be fun – but it is!
As I close, my wife will be here in 46 hours and 40 minutes!!!!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Christmas Decorations
“It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” is the famous line in the very popular Christmas song. This is very appropriate because the camp is starting to look a lot like Christmas with Christmas decorating everywhere. Yesterday afternoon, the dining hall was decorated complete with a Christmas tree and other very nice decorations. This is a remarkable change from last year when I did not see one Christmas decoration while I was spending the holiday in Jamestown. Yes, one year does make a huge difference, and I can only imagine how special Christmas 2008 will be as I spend it with my family. The decorations were great touches, and when I heard the first Christmas song on the radio, I realized Christmas season was upon me. I am not exactly enamored with the prospect of spending one more Christmas in prison separated from my family; however, this year is so much better than last year. Obviously, the fact that I will be released two months after Christmas is a huge benefit. Also, the fact that I will see my wife in a few days and my mother will be visiting in January and that I am in a great place both physically and mentally all make for a much better holiday season. Quite frankly, I will be very happy when Christmas is over all with New Year’s because this puts me that much closer to getting out of here. In the meantime, I will continue enjoying my days and the holidays.
I had heard stories about Christmas in Fire Camp. All of these stories have been very positive, and I am seeing them taking shape. Not only are there Christmas decorations in the dining hall, there are decorations all throughout the camp on the outside of the buildings. I can’t say enough how nice this is, and it does give me a very good feeling. Even the family visit cottage has a Christmas wreath on the front door which looks very good. Yes, it is feeling a lot like Christmas, which is a really good thing.
I finished “Shelter Island” by Dennis Lehane, and the adjective I have been saying to describe this novel cannot be printed. I will give a hint. It is a four-letter word which is banned in most media, and the second part of the phrase is “up”. I don’t ever remember reading a novel so convoluted and just downright insane. It was a combination horror and drama novel, and the ending had more twists than a pretzel. I wouldn’t say I enjoyed the novel, but I also didn’t hate the novel. It was certainly a strange story that got stranger and stranger as it progressed. I had to read the last four pages twice because I wasn’t sure what I was reading. I was told before I started reading it that the ending is unforgettable, and this is the truth. I guess I was entertained, but I really wouldn’t recommend the novel.
Last night I resumed our nightly conversations with my roommate, and it was good to have him awake. Last week, due to the fire meals, my roommate was so tired he fell asleep very early. Last night we talked for a while and laughed most of the time. We did finish talking and went to sleep knowing we would both be using the weight area in the morning. My roommate joined me 30 minutes after I got out there, and we had a very good workout. Nothing too exciting happened today (just like every day!) as breakfast and cleaning the bathrooms were very uneventful. During lunchtime, I was able to watch a few minutes of CNN as my friend programmed the television. He did his best to please everyone with comedy movies to movies from Portugal with subtitles. (I don’t know how well this will be received because foreign films in this setting are truly foreign!) After watching CNN, I intended to call my wife for some last minute additions to our family visit, but I couldn’t reach her. I was hoping to call her tonight, but if I don’t reach her, it really doesn’t matter.
As lunchtime ended, I did what has become my usual Tuesday afternoon workout – I hiked the hill. I was having a hard time getting going and only did 90 minutes, but it was a solid 90 minutes as I was sweating profusely. I returned to my room where I showered and read the Las Vegas Review and Journal that I received yesterday. This is my final issue as the subscription has run out, and it is too costly to continue. I am very happy that I had the opportunity to read this newspaper as I do have a better feeling for the place I will be going in three months from today.
I had heard stories about Christmas in Fire Camp. All of these stories have been very positive, and I am seeing them taking shape. Not only are there Christmas decorations in the dining hall, there are decorations all throughout the camp on the outside of the buildings. I can’t say enough how nice this is, and it does give me a very good feeling. Even the family visit cottage has a Christmas wreath on the front door which looks very good. Yes, it is feeling a lot like Christmas, which is a really good thing.
I finished “Shelter Island” by Dennis Lehane, and the adjective I have been saying to describe this novel cannot be printed. I will give a hint. It is a four-letter word which is banned in most media, and the second part of the phrase is “up”. I don’t ever remember reading a novel so convoluted and just downright insane. It was a combination horror and drama novel, and the ending had more twists than a pretzel. I wouldn’t say I enjoyed the novel, but I also didn’t hate the novel. It was certainly a strange story that got stranger and stranger as it progressed. I had to read the last four pages twice because I wasn’t sure what I was reading. I was told before I started reading it that the ending is unforgettable, and this is the truth. I guess I was entertained, but I really wouldn’t recommend the novel.
Last night I resumed our nightly conversations with my roommate, and it was good to have him awake. Last week, due to the fire meals, my roommate was so tired he fell asleep very early. Last night we talked for a while and laughed most of the time. We did finish talking and went to sleep knowing we would both be using the weight area in the morning. My roommate joined me 30 minutes after I got out there, and we had a very good workout. Nothing too exciting happened today (just like every day!) as breakfast and cleaning the bathrooms were very uneventful. During lunchtime, I was able to watch a few minutes of CNN as my friend programmed the television. He did his best to please everyone with comedy movies to movies from Portugal with subtitles. (I don’t know how well this will be received because foreign films in this setting are truly foreign!) After watching CNN, I intended to call my wife for some last minute additions to our family visit, but I couldn’t reach her. I was hoping to call her tonight, but if I don’t reach her, it really doesn’t matter.
As lunchtime ended, I did what has become my usual Tuesday afternoon workout – I hiked the hill. I was having a hard time getting going and only did 90 minutes, but it was a solid 90 minutes as I was sweating profusely. I returned to my room where I showered and read the Las Vegas Review and Journal that I received yesterday. This is my final issue as the subscription has run out, and it is too costly to continue. I am very happy that I had the opportunity to read this newspaper as I do have a better feeling for the place I will be going in three months from today.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Projecting
November 26th (Monday) – Projecting
Yesterday afternoon, I looked up at the family visit cottage and thought to myself that next week at the same time I will be in there spending the time with my wife. As I had this thought, a smile came across my face. Yes, I am projecting a future event, which may contradict the one-day-at-a-time philosophy, however, I am visualizing my time together with my wife next weekend. I also had a thought that this time next week our family visit will be winding down. I am certainly looking forward to my wife’s arrival on Friday, and this may sound odd but I will not mind her departure on Monday. Her departure will put me one day closer to being reunited with my family, and I have reached a point where I am really looking forward to February 27th. I most certainly will enjoy every moment of the visit with my wife because it has been too long since we spent time alone together, and who knows when the next time will be. This all goes towards one of the many lessons I have learned and continue to learn. This lesson is to not take anything, especially any moment, for granted, and I won’t.
The rest of yesterday was very peaceful, and the fire meals finally came to an end. The visiting crews departed yesterday afternoon since the weather forecast did not call for any winds. The crews were headed toward their camp and making that very long drive. It was surprising how a few guys were upset we weren’t served a full fire meal. My roommate and I have discussed this before, and we are amazed at the entitlement issue of some of our fellow inmates. I am grateful for everything I receive, and for being incarcerated, it really isn’t too bad.
My roommate and I resumed our Sunday night ritual by listening to “60 Minutes” on the radio. The final segment was an interview with the members of the group the “Eagles.” Apparently, they have released their first new material CD in 28 years this past week. I have always enjoyed the “Eagles” and also enjoyed the solo careers of the members. I wasn’t aware they released a brad new CD, and this is only available at Wal-Mart. It appears the recording industry is suffering with the advent of downloading music, and the best way for the Eagles to market their CD was with the agreement with Wal-Mart. It was interesting to hear the double CD only costs $11.88, which is much less expensive than similar double CD’s. I also learned that the Eagles record “Greatest Hits Volume I” is the biggest selling record in history with 60 million copies sold. I did not know this, and if memory serves me properly, I believe my wife has the cassette.
As I listened to the interview, I thought about the time my wife and I saw the Eagles in concert. It was in 1994 in Las Vegas. This was supposedly their farewell tour. It has been some farewell tour as 13 years later they are releasing new material! The concerts was very good back in 1994, and it is funny how I can remember the evening just like it was yesterday even though it occurred 13 years ago. Oh yes, time certainly does fly by!
The show was over, and I watched my roommate fall fast asleep by 8:00 p.m. He had a very busy week, and I know he is glad that the fire meals are over. Hopefully, this will be it for the fire season. Typically, the fire season starts in June and ends in November. Unfortunately, California and other western states have been in a drought for almost the past two years. It certainly isn’t typical because the wild lands are very dry. The region is in need of a consistent rain, and I have no idea what lies ahead in the next few months. Again, typically, December through March are rainy months, and I am hoping the rains return or the fire season may never end.
I fell asleep listening to the radio and had one of those up and down evenings. I woke up and went through my normal routine and headed over to the office to check in. Normally, someone is readily available in the office for me to inform I am running. Today, after a few minutes, I didn’t see anyone so I started to run and figured I would see someone while I was running. Apparently, I caused unneeded stress because, after my 7th lap, I heard my name called, and I went over. I was given a very nice warning about informing someone when I run. I apologized and continued on my run. I guess I fell into a comfortable routine since, if I am not in my room or bathroom at 5:00 in the morning, I am running around the track. This is my intention on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays; however, it is still prison and no mater how consistent my routine, I can take nothing for granted. Yes, this was my mistake, and I did apologize. Oops!
After the run, it was off to breakfast and off to start my work week. It is amazing how quickly the morning disappears. I ate lunch at the base of the hill, and as I looked at today’s date, I did some projecting. In three months from today, this will be my final day in prison. I was visualizing that day, which I imagine won’t be any different from today. I watched the squirrels scurry and the birds fly by. I noticed three beautiful blue jays looking for food, and I noticed the bright beautiful blue sky. I don’t see anything changing three months from now, and I will continue to enjoy the journey.
Yesterday afternoon, I looked up at the family visit cottage and thought to myself that next week at the same time I will be in there spending the time with my wife. As I had this thought, a smile came across my face. Yes, I am projecting a future event, which may contradict the one-day-at-a-time philosophy, however, I am visualizing my time together with my wife next weekend. I also had a thought that this time next week our family visit will be winding down. I am certainly looking forward to my wife’s arrival on Friday, and this may sound odd but I will not mind her departure on Monday. Her departure will put me one day closer to being reunited with my family, and I have reached a point where I am really looking forward to February 27th. I most certainly will enjoy every moment of the visit with my wife because it has been too long since we spent time alone together, and who knows when the next time will be. This all goes towards one of the many lessons I have learned and continue to learn. This lesson is to not take anything, especially any moment, for granted, and I won’t.
The rest of yesterday was very peaceful, and the fire meals finally came to an end. The visiting crews departed yesterday afternoon since the weather forecast did not call for any winds. The crews were headed toward their camp and making that very long drive. It was surprising how a few guys were upset we weren’t served a full fire meal. My roommate and I have discussed this before, and we are amazed at the entitlement issue of some of our fellow inmates. I am grateful for everything I receive, and for being incarcerated, it really isn’t too bad.
My roommate and I resumed our Sunday night ritual by listening to “60 Minutes” on the radio. The final segment was an interview with the members of the group the “Eagles.” Apparently, they have released their first new material CD in 28 years this past week. I have always enjoyed the “Eagles” and also enjoyed the solo careers of the members. I wasn’t aware they released a brad new CD, and this is only available at Wal-Mart. It appears the recording industry is suffering with the advent of downloading music, and the best way for the Eagles to market their CD was with the agreement with Wal-Mart. It was interesting to hear the double CD only costs $11.88, which is much less expensive than similar double CD’s. I also learned that the Eagles record “Greatest Hits Volume I” is the biggest selling record in history with 60 million copies sold. I did not know this, and if memory serves me properly, I believe my wife has the cassette.
As I listened to the interview, I thought about the time my wife and I saw the Eagles in concert. It was in 1994 in Las Vegas. This was supposedly their farewell tour. It has been some farewell tour as 13 years later they are releasing new material! The concerts was very good back in 1994, and it is funny how I can remember the evening just like it was yesterday even though it occurred 13 years ago. Oh yes, time certainly does fly by!
The show was over, and I watched my roommate fall fast asleep by 8:00 p.m. He had a very busy week, and I know he is glad that the fire meals are over. Hopefully, this will be it for the fire season. Typically, the fire season starts in June and ends in November. Unfortunately, California and other western states have been in a drought for almost the past two years. It certainly isn’t typical because the wild lands are very dry. The region is in need of a consistent rain, and I have no idea what lies ahead in the next few months. Again, typically, December through March are rainy months, and I am hoping the rains return or the fire season may never end.
I fell asleep listening to the radio and had one of those up and down evenings. I woke up and went through my normal routine and headed over to the office to check in. Normally, someone is readily available in the office for me to inform I am running. Today, after a few minutes, I didn’t see anyone so I started to run and figured I would see someone while I was running. Apparently, I caused unneeded stress because, after my 7th lap, I heard my name called, and I went over. I was given a very nice warning about informing someone when I run. I apologized and continued on my run. I guess I fell into a comfortable routine since, if I am not in my room or bathroom at 5:00 in the morning, I am running around the track. This is my intention on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays; however, it is still prison and no mater how consistent my routine, I can take nothing for granted. Yes, this was my mistake, and I did apologize. Oops!
After the run, it was off to breakfast and off to start my work week. It is amazing how quickly the morning disappears. I ate lunch at the base of the hill, and as I looked at today’s date, I did some projecting. In three months from today, this will be my final day in prison. I was visualizing that day, which I imagine won’t be any different from today. I watched the squirrels scurry and the birds fly by. I noticed three beautiful blue jays looking for food, and I noticed the bright beautiful blue sky. I don’t see anything changing three months from now, and I will continue to enjoy the journey.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Superlatives Continue
My roommate and I had a lengthy conversation regarding perception, fears, hopes and other assorted things. These are very good discussions and I suspect will continue until the day I parole. We did agree that the human mind conjures up so many warranted and unwarranted emotions. The key for me is to keep my ego in check. I do believe all or mostly all of my problems are based in ego. I am doing my best to keep my ego in check and to be more selfless. This does help me grow as a person. As we discussed last night there will be a time in the future where I will be confronted by a face from my past. I do believe this is inevitable and amazingly all through this journey most of those faces have been extraordinarily supportive. There will come a time where I will be approached by someone of the unsupportive nature. I cannot run from my past and by the same token I cannot ignore my past. I am hoping I will be able to do the right thing which is embracing the present and to live in the here and now. I am very interested to see how far I have come when I am faced with this situation.
The stimulating discussion was over and we both went to sleep much later than usual – 10:00 pm – WOW! It was much colder and I needed a third blanket due to the temperatures dropping into the 30’s. I got up and prepared for today’s GA visit.
While I was waiting, I finished the last verse in Dr. Dyer’s book. This has been amazing and something that will be part of my life. The last verse is titled “Living Without Accumulating”. This wraps up all the other verses. It emphasizes the fact of true essence. So often in my life, it was the pursuit of “things” which was downright silly. None of these things can bring happiness, peace, and serenity. In fact, these “things” get in the way of happiness, peace, and serenity. Over the past 16 months I have stopped accumulating and in that I have found my true essence. I was born with no-thing-ness and essentially, I will leave this world with no-thing-ness. My true essence is of goodness, kindness, and love. The less “stuff” I accumulate the better off I become. This book has been and will continue to be a tremendous aid to my development. I have been cognizant of all these attributes but have never put them altogether and because of it, I continue to be a better person. Life is an amazing journey and I love my life so much!
Speaking of an amazing journey, my dear friends did arrive for the GA visit. Today there were four and I was ecstatic to see all of them. Yes, these visits are the highlight of my week and the superlatives continue for the unbelievably great people and outstanding Program. As usual I was greeted with warm hugs and we had a magnificent meeting. Our group is planning a Holiday Party for the first time and it sounds like it will be wonderful. Of course, I would love to attend but not this year as the party is scheduled for the 21st of December. Unfortunately, I have a commitment that night and the following 67 nights!! I will be there in spirit and I will be able to feel the love that night as I do every single day. I cannot say enough about these great friends and I am blessed by their presence. What started out almost three years ago as fear, worry, and concern has been replaced by love, kindness, and caring. I continue to learn so much and I am forever grateful!
The stimulating discussion was over and we both went to sleep much later than usual – 10:00 pm – WOW! It was much colder and I needed a third blanket due to the temperatures dropping into the 30’s. I got up and prepared for today’s GA visit.
While I was waiting, I finished the last verse in Dr. Dyer’s book. This has been amazing and something that will be part of my life. The last verse is titled “Living Without Accumulating”. This wraps up all the other verses. It emphasizes the fact of true essence. So often in my life, it was the pursuit of “things” which was downright silly. None of these things can bring happiness, peace, and serenity. In fact, these “things” get in the way of happiness, peace, and serenity. Over the past 16 months I have stopped accumulating and in that I have found my true essence. I was born with no-thing-ness and essentially, I will leave this world with no-thing-ness. My true essence is of goodness, kindness, and love. The less “stuff” I accumulate the better off I become. This book has been and will continue to be a tremendous aid to my development. I have been cognizant of all these attributes but have never put them altogether and because of it, I continue to be a better person. Life is an amazing journey and I love my life so much!
Speaking of an amazing journey, my dear friends did arrive for the GA visit. Today there were four and I was ecstatic to see all of them. Yes, these visits are the highlight of my week and the superlatives continue for the unbelievably great people and outstanding Program. As usual I was greeted with warm hugs and we had a magnificent meeting. Our group is planning a Holiday Party for the first time and it sounds like it will be wonderful. Of course, I would love to attend but not this year as the party is scheduled for the 21st of December. Unfortunately, I have a commitment that night and the following 67 nights!! I will be there in spirit and I will be able to feel the love that night as I do every single day. I cannot say enough about these great friends and I am blessed by their presence. What started out almost three years ago as fear, worry, and concern has been replaced by love, kindness, and caring. I continue to learn so much and I am forever grateful!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Paradise Is Not Lost
While I was reading today’s verse of “Living the Wisdom of the Tao”, I had an “ah-ha” moment. In the verse which was titled “Living Your Own Utopia”, Dr. Dyer quotes Voltaire who is a French Philosopher. He states “Paradise is where I am.” What a simple statement – yet it is so true. I forget where Paradise lost comes from but applying his quote, it can never be lost because it is where you are. It is not lost and is always found. It maybe a stretch to call my current living conditions paradise, but it is my paradise. The philosophy will be with me as I go forward into the free world and I can’t wait to take it with me. In years past, I have always been searching for what seemed to be this elusive paradise when it has been with me all the time. Sure it has taken me to come to prison to realize this concept but it is one of the many lessons I continue to learn. Paradise is most certainly where I am and being ever so mindful of this makes life a great deal simpler.
The overall theme of the passage is to keep things as simple as possible. The passage was written 2500 years ago and well before the advent of life’s modern time-saving inventions. These are meant to simplify life but really having been without many of these inventions for the past 16 months, I can say they make life more complicated. I was a person who was always on the computer everyday and had to check my e-mail along with other sites. Now having been unable to do this it really does make life more simpler. The key comes down to balance for me. I’m not advocating living the life of a monk. I am trying to say life is much simpler without all those distractions which can be found in modern technology. I’m sure when I enter the free world I will go back to the modern technologies; however, with a watchful eye of keeping life simpler. At this point of my journey my life is about as simple as it will get and truly this in not a bad thing. Through this simplification, I have found paradise and by being mindful, I will never lose it.
The overall theme of the passage is to keep things as simple as possible. The passage was written 2500 years ago and well before the advent of life’s modern time-saving inventions. These are meant to simplify life but really having been without many of these inventions for the past 16 months, I can say they make life more complicated. I was a person who was always on the computer everyday and had to check my e-mail along with other sites. Now having been unable to do this it really does make life more simpler. The key comes down to balance for me. I’m not advocating living the life of a monk. I am trying to say life is much simpler without all those distractions which can be found in modern technology. I’m sure when I enter the free world I will go back to the modern technologies; however, with a watchful eye of keeping life simpler. At this point of my journey my life is about as simple as it will get and truly this in not a bad thing. Through this simplification, I have found paradise and by being mindful, I will never lose it.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Giving Thanks
I am thankful to have made it through one of those tougher holidays. Thanksgiving is a time to be around family and friends. Yesterday I was among friends and I must say I have met some very wonderful people all through this journey. I have been very fortunate to share a Thanksgiving with friends and the CDC certainly did a great job with the holiday meal. There were giveaways of microwave popcorn for answering various trivia questions along with tournaments for basketball, ping pong, chess, horseshoes, and cribbage. I didn’t participate in the trivia games or the tournaments because in my opinion these activities fall into the GA definition of gambling. This doesn’t mean I was against any of this, in fact, I thought it was a great idea to boost morale which it did. I just chose not to participate. It was a very positive day.
After dinner I headed back to my room where I would read and talk with my roommate until it was time to go to sleep. My poor roommate has gotten a cold and was feeling miserable. Being the trooper that he is he with all his duties and getting up at 5:00 am every day, he is a soldier! As he got up, I purposely waited in bed so we could have a conversation and we did. As we spoke, I realized I have become my mother. I must relate a story about the time my mother, younger sister, wife and I were vacationing in Florida. We were staying in Daytona Beach and my mother wanted us to see the sunrise. She seemed more awake than anyone as the sun was rising. However, none of us were not at all interested and just rolled over. My mother was so upset that by the third day we finally acknowledged the sunrise – then rolled over to back to sleep – and I remember my mother wanting to have a conversation. Here it is some twenty years later and now I am wide awake before the sunrise and wanting to have a conversation. Yes, I have become my mother which really isn’t so bad. I found out later that my roommate was not exactly into the conversation but he did humor me.
The rest of the camp was off for the day but I had the bathrooms to clean. I didn’t want a write-up of Columbus Day when I failed to clean the bathrooms. I most certainly cleaned and it is a little more difficult when everyone is here in camp especially now that I am by myself. As I cleaned people were in and out. Sometimes I do wonder about consideration to others. I clean one at a time and I don’t put “Bathrooms Closed” signs up. I am of the belief that when others see me cleaning away that they will be considerate enough to use the other bathroom. This may have been a bad assumption on my part because so many people came in to use the bathrooms. The part I couldn’t understand was when a few people even used the toilets when they weren’t rinsed of the cleaning chemicals. The majority of guys do ask if they can use the bathroom, but those few guys who don’t – I just wonder what they are thinking about. I went faster than usual because I couldn’t linger in the bathrooms any longer than I needed. It still took me over 2 hours to clean. I guess at the very least I am thorough.
As I was exercising, my name was called over the loudspeaker. I went to the office to receive the Las Vegas newspaper. Incidentally this was the third Sunday newspaper I received and it has taken longer to get here each time. The first one I received in a week, the second in a week and two days, and the third in one week and four days. I guess it’s still better than the two weeks my mother was quoted.
I am learning more about the city I departed six years ago. Yes, the housing market seems depressed but the commercial growth astonishing. The city is opening shopping areas all over the place. This should be great news for my wife who certainly enjoys shopping. One center is called “Town Square” and I remember hearing about the preliminary plans six years ago. Now it is scheduled for opening this month. Yes, time continues to move by. Also, one of the biggest complaints I had with Las Vegas was the traffic. It does seem it is still a problem but some of the highway projects that were started in the past six years are completed. This should help alleviate some of the congestion but they still have a long way to go. I am very interested to see all of the growth when I arrive there in a little more than 3 months.
After dinner I headed back to my room where I would read and talk with my roommate until it was time to go to sleep. My poor roommate has gotten a cold and was feeling miserable. Being the trooper that he is he with all his duties and getting up at 5:00 am every day, he is a soldier! As he got up, I purposely waited in bed so we could have a conversation and we did. As we spoke, I realized I have become my mother. I must relate a story about the time my mother, younger sister, wife and I were vacationing in Florida. We were staying in Daytona Beach and my mother wanted us to see the sunrise. She seemed more awake than anyone as the sun was rising. However, none of us were not at all interested and just rolled over. My mother was so upset that by the third day we finally acknowledged the sunrise – then rolled over to back to sleep – and I remember my mother wanting to have a conversation. Here it is some twenty years later and now I am wide awake before the sunrise and wanting to have a conversation. Yes, I have become my mother which really isn’t so bad. I found out later that my roommate was not exactly into the conversation but he did humor me.
The rest of the camp was off for the day but I had the bathrooms to clean. I didn’t want a write-up of Columbus Day when I failed to clean the bathrooms. I most certainly cleaned and it is a little more difficult when everyone is here in camp especially now that I am by myself. As I cleaned people were in and out. Sometimes I do wonder about consideration to others. I clean one at a time and I don’t put “Bathrooms Closed” signs up. I am of the belief that when others see me cleaning away that they will be considerate enough to use the other bathroom. This may have been a bad assumption on my part because so many people came in to use the bathrooms. The part I couldn’t understand was when a few people even used the toilets when they weren’t rinsed of the cleaning chemicals. The majority of guys do ask if they can use the bathroom, but those few guys who don’t – I just wonder what they are thinking about. I went faster than usual because I couldn’t linger in the bathrooms any longer than I needed. It still took me over 2 hours to clean. I guess at the very least I am thorough.
As I was exercising, my name was called over the loudspeaker. I went to the office to receive the Las Vegas newspaper. Incidentally this was the third Sunday newspaper I received and it has taken longer to get here each time. The first one I received in a week, the second in a week and two days, and the third in one week and four days. I guess it’s still better than the two weeks my mother was quoted.
I am learning more about the city I departed six years ago. Yes, the housing market seems depressed but the commercial growth astonishing. The city is opening shopping areas all over the place. This should be great news for my wife who certainly enjoys shopping. One center is called “Town Square” and I remember hearing about the preliminary plans six years ago. Now it is scheduled for opening this month. Yes, time continues to move by. Also, one of the biggest complaints I had with Las Vegas was the traffic. It does seem it is still a problem but some of the highway projects that were started in the past six years are completed. This should help alleviate some of the congestion but they still have a long way to go. I am very interested to see all of the growth when I arrive there in a little more than 3 months.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Slipping Under 100 Days
Alright, I will admit it. I was lonely during the day yesterday as I worked alone. I had a good run over the past three months which seemed to end yesterday. The good run was working with my friends. I certainly got into cleaning the bathrooms, and I don’t know how the other guys who cleaned the bathrooms by themselves, before I started, cleaned everything so quickly. Anyhow, I got through my loneliness as the day progressed. Last night was yet another fire meal. Thanks to my roommate, my spaghetti was served with marinara sauce.
I spent most of the night composing letters as I received four magnificent letters. I received an exceptional envelope from my wife that contained a Thanksgiving Day card, a wonderful wedding anniversary note from my daughter, a beautiful drawing by my son, and photographs. The photographs covered the first day of school and went all the way to Halloween. My goodness, our children are beautiful and are growing up so fast. In the photographs were photos of my daughter and son in a pumpkin patch. My wife has taken a picture in a pumpkin patch ever since my daughter was born 9 years ago. It seems like just yesterday we had to hold our daughter (and son for that matter) because she was just a baby. Now she is a beautiful young woman. Where has the time gone?? The pictures were great at Halloween with “Goth” girl and “Jedi” boy. My daughter was the prettiest gothic character I have ever seen. I looked at the photographs three different times during the evening. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful family. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how beautiful my wife looked in the photographs. She gets more beautiful with every passing day, and like a fine wine, she gets better with age!
I did go to sleep after viewing the photographs for the final time. As I was dressing in the morning, my roommate struck up a conversation. Please keep in mind this conversation was struck up at 4:45 a.m.! He had 15 more minutes before he had to get up for yet another fire meal. As soon as my roommate started talking, I wished him a Happy Birthday. Yes, today is his birthday. We chatted for a few minutes, and he playfully call me a “freak” for getting up so early to work out. I bade him adieu as I went off to the weight area. I realized I had more time this morning due to the delayed breakfast, so I took my time working out. As I worked out, I realized that I have now officially slipped under the 100-day mark before I am released. Today, I have 98 days remaining. I am not about to start counting down the days on a daily basis; however, I remember not too long ago informing my mother I had 180 days remaining, and half of that has already disappeared. When I started this journey, I originally had a sentence of 730 days (2 years). By coming to fire camp, my sentence was reduced to 140 days or so. Knowing I have less than 100 days remaining does give me great perspective. I know now 100 days goes by very quickly, and in no time, it will be February 27th. This journey is coming to an end, and a bright, beautiful journey will follow. Time does march on by very quickly, and the next 98 days will be over in a flash.
The workout was excellent, and I even got into a bit of a disagreement over the radio station. Since I am the first one out in the weight area, I get to select the radio station. Well, the radio station I selected is not the most popular with my fellow inmates. My fellow inmates listen to the hip hop/rap/rhythm and blues station. If you ask me, I swear the station only plays six songs, and they all sound the same – spoken like a true “old man!” I tuned into the “oldie” station which plays soft rock (when did Bruce Springsteen become soft rock??) from the 70’s, 80’s and today. I guess there weren’t any hits in the 90’s! I know a few of the guys out there in the morning, so we had a very playful disagreement. I didn’t care about the radio station, so I was having fun being the “old guy” (OG if you will). This was all settled when someone put in a Metallica CD which supersedes any radio station. I have gotten quite a musical education with these workouts. Most of the time, the CD’s are rap, and I would swear they were written with prison in mind. I found myself recognizing the prison slang in the rap lyrics. I can’t say that I enjoy the music (and I use that term very loosely!), but I do find it fascinating knowing what they are talking about. Even the Metallica CD wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I could even hear words being sung! This is all part of my prison education which continues each day.
The workout was over, and it was on to breakfast. After that, it was time for my second day going solo, and even with an earlier start that yesterday, I finished much later than normal. I do know I am being thorough, so now I will have to pick up my pace. This does make the mornings fly by, and before I know it, lunchtime has arrived. I spent the afternoon hiking the hill and enjoying the beautiful weather. I have developed a great routine which melts away each day, and here is to the melting away of the next 98 days.
I spent most of the night composing letters as I received four magnificent letters. I received an exceptional envelope from my wife that contained a Thanksgiving Day card, a wonderful wedding anniversary note from my daughter, a beautiful drawing by my son, and photographs. The photographs covered the first day of school and went all the way to Halloween. My goodness, our children are beautiful and are growing up so fast. In the photographs were photos of my daughter and son in a pumpkin patch. My wife has taken a picture in a pumpkin patch ever since my daughter was born 9 years ago. It seems like just yesterday we had to hold our daughter (and son for that matter) because she was just a baby. Now she is a beautiful young woman. Where has the time gone?? The pictures were great at Halloween with “Goth” girl and “Jedi” boy. My daughter was the prettiest gothic character I have ever seen. I looked at the photographs three different times during the evening. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful family. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how beautiful my wife looked in the photographs. She gets more beautiful with every passing day, and like a fine wine, she gets better with age!
I did go to sleep after viewing the photographs for the final time. As I was dressing in the morning, my roommate struck up a conversation. Please keep in mind this conversation was struck up at 4:45 a.m.! He had 15 more minutes before he had to get up for yet another fire meal. As soon as my roommate started talking, I wished him a Happy Birthday. Yes, today is his birthday. We chatted for a few minutes, and he playfully call me a “freak” for getting up so early to work out. I bade him adieu as I went off to the weight area. I realized I had more time this morning due to the delayed breakfast, so I took my time working out. As I worked out, I realized that I have now officially slipped under the 100-day mark before I am released. Today, I have 98 days remaining. I am not about to start counting down the days on a daily basis; however, I remember not too long ago informing my mother I had 180 days remaining, and half of that has already disappeared. When I started this journey, I originally had a sentence of 730 days (2 years). By coming to fire camp, my sentence was reduced to 140 days or so. Knowing I have less than 100 days remaining does give me great perspective. I know now 100 days goes by very quickly, and in no time, it will be February 27th. This journey is coming to an end, and a bright, beautiful journey will follow. Time does march on by very quickly, and the next 98 days will be over in a flash.
The workout was excellent, and I even got into a bit of a disagreement over the radio station. Since I am the first one out in the weight area, I get to select the radio station. Well, the radio station I selected is not the most popular with my fellow inmates. My fellow inmates listen to the hip hop/rap/rhythm and blues station. If you ask me, I swear the station only plays six songs, and they all sound the same – spoken like a true “old man!” I tuned into the “oldie” station which plays soft rock (when did Bruce Springsteen become soft rock??) from the 70’s, 80’s and today. I guess there weren’t any hits in the 90’s! I know a few of the guys out there in the morning, so we had a very playful disagreement. I didn’t care about the radio station, so I was having fun being the “old guy” (OG if you will). This was all settled when someone put in a Metallica CD which supersedes any radio station. I have gotten quite a musical education with these workouts. Most of the time, the CD’s are rap, and I would swear they were written with prison in mind. I found myself recognizing the prison slang in the rap lyrics. I can’t say that I enjoy the music (and I use that term very loosely!), but I do find it fascinating knowing what they are talking about. Even the Metallica CD wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I could even hear words being sung! This is all part of my prison education which continues each day.
The workout was over, and it was on to breakfast. After that, it was time for my second day going solo, and even with an earlier start that yesterday, I finished much later than normal. I do know I am being thorough, so now I will have to pick up my pace. This does make the mornings fly by, and before I know it, lunchtime has arrived. I spent the afternoon hiking the hill and enjoying the beautiful weather. I have developed a great routine which melts away each day, and here is to the melting away of the next 98 days.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Going Solo
Yesterday afternoon I had the pleasure of telephoning my mother. I am very reticent to think about how much money my mother has paid for these collect calls over the past 16 months. I am sure it is in the thousands-of-dollars’ range. My mother has never even mentioned the cost and has always welcomed my calls. When I do sit back and think about how much money I have cost my mother and wife I could very well make myself sick. These calls are very expensive which is why I have limited myself to once call per week to my wife and one call per week to my mother. Yesterday, the plan was to speak with my mother for only 15 minutes. As we received the “60 second warning” and weren’t even close to wrapping up the telephone call, my mother suggested that I call back, and this is what I did. We spoke for a total of 30 minutes, which equates to a bill in excess of $30. I really don’t understand how in this day and age of low-cost long distance telephone service that it costs over $1 per minute for these collect calls. I am certainly a “captive” (pun intended) consumer, and the long distance carrier is capitalizing on this segment. It really is a shame how the long distance carrier seems to be preying on the inmates. The cost is so prohibitive I believe it hinders an inmate’s chances of reconnecting with their family. Of course, the saying, “If you don’t like it, don’t come to prison” applies. I certainly don’t like and will do everything in my power not to see this system ever again.
Anyhow, I had a wonderful conversation with my mother. It certainly is wonderful speaking with her, and I can’t wait to see her in two months. I did wish her a Happy Thanksgiving as I won’t be speaking with her on Thursday. Thinking about Thanksgiving is both bitter and sweet. The bitter part is obvious because, for the second year in a row, I won’t see my family for Thanksgiving, and I miss them dearly. The sweet part is knowing this is the last Thanksgiving Day I will be apart from my family and knowing I sill see my wife next week. Keeping these thoughts in mind will help me get through the holiday much better than last year. I am nearing the end of this journey, and yes, there are some obstacles such as Thanksgiving, my wife’s birthday, Christmas, my son’s birthday, and my daughter’s birthday to overcome in the next three months. I know I will get through each of these one day at a time. Realistically, three months ago was August, and I was on a fire crew, which feels just like yesterday. So there is no reason why the next three months shouldn’t go as fast.
The wonderful telephone call was over, and I will call her back this Saturday to see how Thanksgiving went. After the telephone call, I walked back to my room where I read the current edition of Men’s Health until it was time for dinner. Since there are crews from a visiting fire camp, dinner would be later than usual. I am all for later dinners because on the weekends we start eating at 5:00 p.m. I feel like I should be receiving the senior citizen’s early bird discount at this time! The weekdays really aren’t much better as dinner starts at 5:30 p.m. Maybe this is why I can’t seem to stay awake past 9:00 p.m. I am a senior citizen at the ripe old age of 42! I must admit these fire meals do raise the level of enthusiasm in the camp. Everyone (with the exception of my roommate and me) appear to love these fire meals, which is a positive. I did hear someone mention that the meal didn’t appear to be very good as the person was in line getting their food. I find these types of comments strange because here I am in prison, and the dinner is beyond bountiful. I know I pooh pooh these fire meals because of my peculiar eating habits, but every time I enter the dining hall I am amazed at what is being served. There are so many people out there in the free world who don’t have the opportunity to eat one-tenth of what was served. I am truly grateful to be here and not starve.
With dinner over, it was back to my room to listen to “60 Minutes” on the radio. One of the segments had to do with New York City requiring some fast-food restaurants to place the nutritional and calorie information on their menus. This is being done so the consumer can see how many calories are really in the meal. Apparently, there is some controversy regarding this (imagine that). Some franchises have complied, but the information is not displayed prominently. I know for my “freaky” self I would probably go hungry in a restaurant that labeled their entrees with the caloric and nutritional information. In my mind, a person who goes to McDonald’s could care less how many calories and how many fat grams are in a Big Mac. Let’s face it; if someone believes that is a low calorie meal, they have bigger problems than reading the nutritional information. I also understand there seems to be an obesity epidemic in the country, but it does come down to personal responsibility. The government does need to implement certain guidelines, but when it starts telling people what they should and should not eat, it has gone too far. Taking this a step further, this is analogous to compulsive gambling. I am a compulsive gambler, and I brought this on myself. The government has since outlawed internet gambling, but knowing me, I would have found a way around that; however, there does need to be programs in place to help the compulsive gambler and their families. This, I believe, is government’s biggest responsibility. The government believes it can protect the people, but in reality, the government should assist the people.
Enough of my political statement! After “60 Minutes”, my roommate and I took up a conversation between the two of us. The subbed came around to me and ho9w I am very reserved. My roommate believes there is more to me than send out. This could be the case, but pretty much what my roommate sees is who I am. I hardly ever talk about personal matters because I really don’t have anything to talk about. I have brought up some things recently, but for the most part, I am at peace. Now, I am not a monk or in a monastery order. Rather, I have gotten quite good at letting go. Yes, there are many unknowns in my life, but I choose not to dwell on these. I do my best to remain positive and upbeat, which is usually where my mind is 95% of the time. The other 5% I process and let go. I’m not sure if I articulated enough for my roommate, but it is how I feel. I am grateful for him because he is very much a large part of my peace of mind.
We did conclude the conversation and went to sleep. The early morning arrived and I was out of bed and running. There are days when it is a chore to get through those first five miles, and then there are days when it is effortless. Today was one of those effortless days. After showering, dressing, and reading, it was time for the fire meal breakfast. My roommate and friend were busy with the service but did join me to eat. As my friend sat down, I realized I would be solo in cleaning the bathrooms today. He is in training to take my roommate’s position because my roommate will have a different position in two months. This is great for both of them, and as for me, I will be going it alone. I hope I am not being melodramatic because I didn’t mean to be. I have been very fortunate over the past three months to work with two great people. Realistically, the bathrooms can be cleaned by only one person, and when I took the position, I had a feeling the day would come. Yes, it has come, and yes, I probably did more work today than I have in the past two months. Even though I did more work, I was still finished the noon count time, which is always my goal. I had only a few minutes to spare, but I made it. This means I still have my afternoons to myself. I will miss the conversations with my friend as we worked and had lunch together, but we will still get together later in the day. I don’t know what the plans or if I will ultimately have another person help clean the bathrooms or not. Whatever the case, I know I can do it by myself, and I am still having fun cleaning.
Anyhow, I had a wonderful conversation with my mother. It certainly is wonderful speaking with her, and I can’t wait to see her in two months. I did wish her a Happy Thanksgiving as I won’t be speaking with her on Thursday. Thinking about Thanksgiving is both bitter and sweet. The bitter part is obvious because, for the second year in a row, I won’t see my family for Thanksgiving, and I miss them dearly. The sweet part is knowing this is the last Thanksgiving Day I will be apart from my family and knowing I sill see my wife next week. Keeping these thoughts in mind will help me get through the holiday much better than last year. I am nearing the end of this journey, and yes, there are some obstacles such as Thanksgiving, my wife’s birthday, Christmas, my son’s birthday, and my daughter’s birthday to overcome in the next three months. I know I will get through each of these one day at a time. Realistically, three months ago was August, and I was on a fire crew, which feels just like yesterday. So there is no reason why the next three months shouldn’t go as fast.
The wonderful telephone call was over, and I will call her back this Saturday to see how Thanksgiving went. After the telephone call, I walked back to my room where I read the current edition of Men’s Health until it was time for dinner. Since there are crews from a visiting fire camp, dinner would be later than usual. I am all for later dinners because on the weekends we start eating at 5:00 p.m. I feel like I should be receiving the senior citizen’s early bird discount at this time! The weekdays really aren’t much better as dinner starts at 5:30 p.m. Maybe this is why I can’t seem to stay awake past 9:00 p.m. I am a senior citizen at the ripe old age of 42! I must admit these fire meals do raise the level of enthusiasm in the camp. Everyone (with the exception of my roommate and me) appear to love these fire meals, which is a positive. I did hear someone mention that the meal didn’t appear to be very good as the person was in line getting their food. I find these types of comments strange because here I am in prison, and the dinner is beyond bountiful. I know I pooh pooh these fire meals because of my peculiar eating habits, but every time I enter the dining hall I am amazed at what is being served. There are so many people out there in the free world who don’t have the opportunity to eat one-tenth of what was served. I am truly grateful to be here and not starve.
With dinner over, it was back to my room to listen to “60 Minutes” on the radio. One of the segments had to do with New York City requiring some fast-food restaurants to place the nutritional and calorie information on their menus. This is being done so the consumer can see how many calories are really in the meal. Apparently, there is some controversy regarding this (imagine that). Some franchises have complied, but the information is not displayed prominently. I know for my “freaky” self I would probably go hungry in a restaurant that labeled their entrees with the caloric and nutritional information. In my mind, a person who goes to McDonald’s could care less how many calories and how many fat grams are in a Big Mac. Let’s face it; if someone believes that is a low calorie meal, they have bigger problems than reading the nutritional information. I also understand there seems to be an obesity epidemic in the country, but it does come down to personal responsibility. The government does need to implement certain guidelines, but when it starts telling people what they should and should not eat, it has gone too far. Taking this a step further, this is analogous to compulsive gambling. I am a compulsive gambler, and I brought this on myself. The government has since outlawed internet gambling, but knowing me, I would have found a way around that; however, there does need to be programs in place to help the compulsive gambler and their families. This, I believe, is government’s biggest responsibility. The government believes it can protect the people, but in reality, the government should assist the people.
Enough of my political statement! After “60 Minutes”, my roommate and I took up a conversation between the two of us. The subbed came around to me and ho9w I am very reserved. My roommate believes there is more to me than send out. This could be the case, but pretty much what my roommate sees is who I am. I hardly ever talk about personal matters because I really don’t have anything to talk about. I have brought up some things recently, but for the most part, I am at peace. Now, I am not a monk or in a monastery order. Rather, I have gotten quite good at letting go. Yes, there are many unknowns in my life, but I choose not to dwell on these. I do my best to remain positive and upbeat, which is usually where my mind is 95% of the time. The other 5% I process and let go. I’m not sure if I articulated enough for my roommate, but it is how I feel. I am grateful for him because he is very much a large part of my peace of mind.
We did conclude the conversation and went to sleep. The early morning arrived and I was out of bed and running. There are days when it is a chore to get through those first five miles, and then there are days when it is effortless. Today was one of those effortless days. After showering, dressing, and reading, it was time for the fire meal breakfast. My roommate and friend were busy with the service but did join me to eat. As my friend sat down, I realized I would be solo in cleaning the bathrooms today. He is in training to take my roommate’s position because my roommate will have a different position in two months. This is great for both of them, and as for me, I will be going it alone. I hope I am not being melodramatic because I didn’t mean to be. I have been very fortunate over the past three months to work with two great people. Realistically, the bathrooms can be cleaned by only one person, and when I took the position, I had a feeling the day would come. Yes, it has come, and yes, I probably did more work today than I have in the past two months. Even though I did more work, I was still finished the noon count time, which is always my goal. I had only a few minutes to spare, but I made it. This means I still have my afternoons to myself. I will miss the conversations with my friend as we worked and had lunch together, but we will still get together later in the day. I don’t know what the plans or if I will ultimately have another person help clean the bathrooms or not. Whatever the case, I know I can do it by myself, and I am still having fun cleaning.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Again With The Fire Meals
WE have four crews visiting (staging) from a fire camp 20 miles from the Oregon/California border. That must have been a long bus ride and it did take them two days to get here. Having been on that fire bus for over 12 hours – that ride is akin to cruel and unusual punishment. The crews are here in anticipation of the Santa Ana winds which are forecast for this week. The rumor has the crews staying until Thanksgiving, but I guess it all depends on the weather. It appears the authorities are taking all the precautions and want to be ready if wildfires spark while the winds are blowing. It is certainly better to be safe than sorry.
Of course this means my roommate is back on the fire meal treadmill which started this morning and will last as long as the crews are here. He will have company as our friend is now in-training. I on the other hand, will just go about my days as usual this morning.
I finished reading BEACH MUSIC and I must concur with my roommate’s opinion that it was an excellent novel. It was a very emotional story and I was touched by all the heartfelt themes. I’m glad I made it past the first 200 pages because I was thinking about giving up. In retrospect, those 200 pages did set the foundation for the remaining story and, oh my, those were incredible stories. The rest of the day, I wrote my weekly letter to my sponsor which is always a great part of the day. Nothing too exciting happened today, but the day did pass quickly enough.
Of course this means my roommate is back on the fire meal treadmill which started this morning and will last as long as the crews are here. He will have company as our friend is now in-training. I on the other hand, will just go about my days as usual this morning.
I finished reading BEACH MUSIC and I must concur with my roommate’s opinion that it was an excellent novel. It was a very emotional story and I was touched by all the heartfelt themes. I’m glad I made it past the first 200 pages because I was thinking about giving up. In retrospect, those 200 pages did set the foundation for the remaining story and, oh my, those were incredible stories. The rest of the day, I wrote my weekly letter to my sponsor which is always a great part of the day. Nothing too exciting happened today, but the day did pass quickly enough.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
How Many Laps?
After my haircut last night I returned to my room where my roommate and I had a very long chat about life. In this conversation were the past, present, and future topics about our respective lives. It was a wonderful discussion and we stayed up way past out normal bedtimes! My roommate gets out six months after I am released and he too has many questions regarding his future. It is very possible that he won’t be able to pursue what he has been doing all his adult life. I do believe America is the land of “second chances” but sometimes there are significant hurdles involved in getting these second chances. I also believe everything will workout for the best with my roommate. His story is very sad because of everyone I have met through this journey, he is truly an “innocent” convict. Everything does happen for a reason and he has a wonderful attitude.
I got out of bed at my usual time and I was ready for a long run. It took me longer than usual to check in and somewhere along this journey I will assert myself (but not right now!) I checked in and off I went. I was hoping to do 70 laps but ran out of time and did 68 laps. My roommate asked how many laps and when I told him, my neighbors overheard. They quickly came over and asked, “How many laps?” I responded with 68 to which they just shook their heads in astonishment and repeated my answer. I was feeling very good this morning and again it was the case where I could have run forever. Sixteen miles was a good run. I find myself doing abdominal exercises more than anything else. I still don’t understand how I could be so skinny and still have love handles! I guess it’s hard to beat genetics. My stomach is firm and flat, but I don’t have one of those “six pack” type abs. I’m not sure if I could ever have them. Oh, well, it still doesn’t stop me from working out.
I was supposed to have a visit from a friend of mine today. Before the visit I called my family because they were headed to my sister’s house to celebrate Christmas in November with my father who was visiting from Florida. I spoke with my wife who gave me the news that my friend would not be visiting me today. Unfortunately, his friend had some very tragic events in their family. My friend went to his aid in this time of need. I was looking forward to his visit, but those tragic events most certainly take precedence over coming here. Hopefully, everything will be alright and my friend can visit in the upcoming months. I also spoke to my wife about other items such as the transfer of my parole. She knew all about this as our friends in Las Vegas had been contacted and will be visited by a parole agent. I found this interesting because technically, the paperwork hadn’t made it’s way into the Nevada system which I presume are the people who will visit them. It was good to hear that the wheels are in motion and things are happening. It was always wonderful to speak with my family and I will call them on Thanksgiving. I am certainly counting the number of days until I see my wife (13) for the family visit.
Southern California most certainly has the best weather I have ever encountered. Since I wasn’t having a visit, I changed my clothes and sat outside wearing shorts with a tee shirt. I believe the forecast is calling for the Santa Ana winds this coming week. Hopefully, if the winds come up, the fires will not. The word is crews from other fire camps are on their way and will be here tomorrow night. This means my roommate and now my friend will have the same routine. I will do my best not to be taken away by the winds if they blow as they did a few weeks ago. Yes, it was a very good Saturday even though I didn’t receive a visit. The days continue to move on by very quickly.
I got out of bed at my usual time and I was ready for a long run. It took me longer than usual to check in and somewhere along this journey I will assert myself (but not right now!) I checked in and off I went. I was hoping to do 70 laps but ran out of time and did 68 laps. My roommate asked how many laps and when I told him, my neighbors overheard. They quickly came over and asked, “How many laps?” I responded with 68 to which they just shook their heads in astonishment and repeated my answer. I was feeling very good this morning and again it was the case where I could have run forever. Sixteen miles was a good run. I find myself doing abdominal exercises more than anything else. I still don’t understand how I could be so skinny and still have love handles! I guess it’s hard to beat genetics. My stomach is firm and flat, but I don’t have one of those “six pack” type abs. I’m not sure if I could ever have them. Oh, well, it still doesn’t stop me from working out.
I was supposed to have a visit from a friend of mine today. Before the visit I called my family because they were headed to my sister’s house to celebrate Christmas in November with my father who was visiting from Florida. I spoke with my wife who gave me the news that my friend would not be visiting me today. Unfortunately, his friend had some very tragic events in their family. My friend went to his aid in this time of need. I was looking forward to his visit, but those tragic events most certainly take precedence over coming here. Hopefully, everything will be alright and my friend can visit in the upcoming months. I also spoke to my wife about other items such as the transfer of my parole. She knew all about this as our friends in Las Vegas had been contacted and will be visited by a parole agent. I found this interesting because technically, the paperwork hadn’t made it’s way into the Nevada system which I presume are the people who will visit them. It was good to hear that the wheels are in motion and things are happening. It was always wonderful to speak with my family and I will call them on Thanksgiving. I am certainly counting the number of days until I see my wife (13) for the family visit.
Southern California most certainly has the best weather I have ever encountered. Since I wasn’t having a visit, I changed my clothes and sat outside wearing shorts with a tee shirt. I believe the forecast is calling for the Santa Ana winds this coming week. Hopefully, if the winds come up, the fires will not. The word is crews from other fire camps are on their way and will be here tomorrow night. This means my roommate and now my friend will have the same routine. I will do my best not to be taken away by the winds if they blow as they did a few weeks ago. Yes, it was a very good Saturday even though I didn’t receive a visit. The days continue to move on by very quickly.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Was it a Miscommunication?
Yesterday afternoon the Counselor arrived as scheduled and for the first time since I arrived here she actually called me to the office. All the other times I had to remind her about my parole plans and transfer of parole. Yesterday was the day for me to sign all the papers for the transfer to the state of Nevada and I was very happy to see all the papers were properly filled out and all I had to do was sign. The counselor had also verified all the information I had given regarding the place I will be living and the prospective job. The counselor spoke to my dear friend who made quite an impression. I have a very long standing friendship (well over 30 years) and I am sure it showed in their conversation. The Counselor also called the Director of the Recovery Center to verify the existence of my potential employment. She didn’t speak with the Director; rather the Counselor’s supervisor spoke with the Director. The message I received through the Counselor was that I do NOT have a job waiting for me when I parole in February. I would have to fill out an application and apply for a position at that time. Now this is somewhat contradictory of what my mother was told by the Director a few weeks ago. He did not say to my mother that I had a guaranteed position, but he did say that a position can be created as he spoke very highly of me. So, I’m not sure if there is a miscommunication somewhere or what to believe. What I do know is everything will workout for the very best and the paperwork have been submitted for the transfer of my parole to Nevada.
The counselor informed me that this paperwork would be on the next bus to Sacramento. This means that the actual hard copy of the paperwork will physically be placed on the next bus to Sacramento. I found this fascinating that in today’s age of instant electronic transfer, my paperwork will take a 400 plus mile bus ride to where it will be processed. I guess it will take awhile for this system to enter the 21st century. Nonetheless the process is in motion and hopefully I will be informed of the approval of the transfer before February 27th. Now I just sit and wait, but I do need to at least inquire to the status of my job prospect. I do have faith and know the process will be as intended. The rest of the evening was as usual. I received a letter from my good friend who visited me a few weeks ago. He informed me he was thinking about a return visit sometime after the first of the year. This would be wonderful and something I am looking forward to.
I went to sleep much later than usual because I was conversing with my roommate. We were talking about our mutual friend and how I could be losing him from helping with the bathrooms. I have been very fortunate to have worked with two people I consider friends. The first friend paroled at the end of September and the current friend appears to be moving on to bigger and better things. The first friend paroled at the end of September and the current friend appears to be moving onto bigger and better things. I will miss working him, but I will still see him as he will be working with my roommate. I have mentioned in the past how I would have preferred to be a clerk, but I have been prohibited from this type of position all through my incarceration. I have made the best of the situation and yes, believe it or not being a bathroom porter is making the best. It would have been nice being in an office environment with access to a computer, but it wasn’t meant to be. I will go about my daily routine and continue to do my best in cleaning the bathrooms. By the way we did receive another very good compliment regarding the cleanliness of the bathrooms. I will miss the talks we currently have with my friend as we conclude cleaning the bathrooms, but I will survive.
Before the morning was over we were briefed about the outbreak of staph in the prison system. Apparently staph infections have reached the camp system and all proper procedures must be in order. Thankfully, I use gloves while cleaning and have cleaning agents which kill many forms of bacteria. The outbreak of staph is in direct correlation of the overcrowding issue and I recently read an article about how inmates are taking the staph infections when they parole and infect several communities. It is somewhat ironic how some politicians are indignant when it comes to the early release of inmates due to concerns of “public safety”. When in reality, keeping the overcrowding numbers up is also a risk to public safety – not in the criminal sense – but in the health sense. There isn’t an easy solution to all of this but health issues should be a number one priority not only for the inmates but for society.
In the afternoon, I was called up to the office to receive mail. My very thoughtful mother and sister sent me paper, writing tablets, and envelopes. These all came separately and I had a big smile on my face while I opened the envelopes. My sister’s contained a letter – as did my mother’s – and in her letter, my sister was the second person in the last two weeks to tell me that the actor – Steve Carrel – (“The Office) looks a lot like me. I think we have similar noses (poor Steve Carrel) and the hair is also similar, but I’m not sure about any other physical characteristics.
I actually broke down last night and got a haircut. I decided it was long enough for the 1070’s Keith Partridge look and finally got a haircut. The inmate/barber who I know fairly well and is a very good guy is really just learning how to cut hair. I have actual hair to cut which is a rarity in this system as most guys have bald or shaved heads. My hair is a little tricky so my expectations were fairly low. I was very pleasantly surprised to receive a good haircut. My hair is decidedly shorter and my ever-present middle part is gone. However, my hair has been cleaned up very nicely. I really don’t have to comb it at all; it is a very low maintenance hairstyle. It does look very much like my roommate’s hair and the barber did tell me our hair is very similar. I wanted to get a haircut prior to my wife’s arrival in two weeks and that is what I did this evening. It is certainly not the worst haircut I have ever received and under the circumstances, it came out very well. I was happy with the result and now I don’t have to concern myself with keeping my hair out of my eyes.
The counselor informed me that this paperwork would be on the next bus to Sacramento. This means that the actual hard copy of the paperwork will physically be placed on the next bus to Sacramento. I found this fascinating that in today’s age of instant electronic transfer, my paperwork will take a 400 plus mile bus ride to where it will be processed. I guess it will take awhile for this system to enter the 21st century. Nonetheless the process is in motion and hopefully I will be informed of the approval of the transfer before February 27th. Now I just sit and wait, but I do need to at least inquire to the status of my job prospect. I do have faith and know the process will be as intended. The rest of the evening was as usual. I received a letter from my good friend who visited me a few weeks ago. He informed me he was thinking about a return visit sometime after the first of the year. This would be wonderful and something I am looking forward to.
I went to sleep much later than usual because I was conversing with my roommate. We were talking about our mutual friend and how I could be losing him from helping with the bathrooms. I have been very fortunate to have worked with two people I consider friends. The first friend paroled at the end of September and the current friend appears to be moving on to bigger and better things. The first friend paroled at the end of September and the current friend appears to be moving onto bigger and better things. I will miss working him, but I will still see him as he will be working with my roommate. I have mentioned in the past how I would have preferred to be a clerk, but I have been prohibited from this type of position all through my incarceration. I have made the best of the situation and yes, believe it or not being a bathroom porter is making the best. It would have been nice being in an office environment with access to a computer, but it wasn’t meant to be. I will go about my daily routine and continue to do my best in cleaning the bathrooms. By the way we did receive another very good compliment regarding the cleanliness of the bathrooms. I will miss the talks we currently have with my friend as we conclude cleaning the bathrooms, but I will survive.
Before the morning was over we were briefed about the outbreak of staph in the prison system. Apparently staph infections have reached the camp system and all proper procedures must be in order. Thankfully, I use gloves while cleaning and have cleaning agents which kill many forms of bacteria. The outbreak of staph is in direct correlation of the overcrowding issue and I recently read an article about how inmates are taking the staph infections when they parole and infect several communities. It is somewhat ironic how some politicians are indignant when it comes to the early release of inmates due to concerns of “public safety”. When in reality, keeping the overcrowding numbers up is also a risk to public safety – not in the criminal sense – but in the health sense. There isn’t an easy solution to all of this but health issues should be a number one priority not only for the inmates but for society.
In the afternoon, I was called up to the office to receive mail. My very thoughtful mother and sister sent me paper, writing tablets, and envelopes. These all came separately and I had a big smile on my face while I opened the envelopes. My sister’s contained a letter – as did my mother’s – and in her letter, my sister was the second person in the last two weeks to tell me that the actor – Steve Carrel – (“The Office) looks a lot like me. I think we have similar noses (poor Steve Carrel) and the hair is also similar, but I’m not sure about any other physical characteristics.
I actually broke down last night and got a haircut. I decided it was long enough for the 1070’s Keith Partridge look and finally got a haircut. The inmate/barber who I know fairly well and is a very good guy is really just learning how to cut hair. I have actual hair to cut which is a rarity in this system as most guys have bald or shaved heads. My hair is a little tricky so my expectations were fairly low. I was very pleasantly surprised to receive a good haircut. My hair is decidedly shorter and my ever-present middle part is gone. However, my hair has been cleaned up very nicely. I really don’t have to comb it at all; it is a very low maintenance hairstyle. It does look very much like my roommate’s hair and the barber did tell me our hair is very similar. I wanted to get a haircut prior to my wife’s arrival in two weeks and that is what I did this evening. It is certainly not the worst haircut I have ever received and under the circumstances, it came out very well. I was happy with the result and now I don’t have to concern myself with keeping my hair out of my eyes.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
It Is What It Is
The evening was very routine, but I did receive the Sunday (November 4th) edition of the Las Vegas Review Journal. I read this all of last night and it really isn’t a bad newspaper. I find myself drawn to the housing advertisements and it appears the prices are dropping substantially. I noticed some home builders dropping the price $100,000 and more on newly constructed homes. Even with these price reductions, they are still well ahead of what my wife and I paid for our first home back in 1997. Timing is one of those critical components of life and I feel bad for those who bought into the Las Vegas housing market in the past year because their homes are worth a lot less. I do firmly believe my wife and I will own a home once again and hopefully our timing will be beneficial. After finishing the newspaper and talking with my roommate, I went to sleep.
Today being Thursday, meant I was off to the weight area in the early morning hours. I had this area all to myself for at least 30 minutes before the next person arrived. The 30 minute period was a very peaceful time as I went about my exercise routine. I was hoping my roommate was going to join me, but he took the morning off and slept in. I got a good workout and then went on to my day.
The day was uneventful until my name was called over the loudspeaker. I went to the office and was quickly reminded of where I am. There are so many things out of my control and this was one of them. Fortunately, the situation was remedied and everything did work out for the very best. There is something to be said for trusting and believing everything will workout as intended. I continue to learn so much and today I learned to trust in the unknown. This takes the Serenity Prayer to another level because I not only accept the things I cannot change, I embrace these things, letting go and letting God is a wonderful philosophy which works out so well.
Today being Thursday, meant I was off to the weight area in the early morning hours. I had this area all to myself for at least 30 minutes before the next person arrived. The 30 minute period was a very peaceful time as I went about my exercise routine. I was hoping my roommate was going to join me, but he took the morning off and slept in. I got a good workout and then went on to my day.
The day was uneventful until my name was called over the loudspeaker. I went to the office and was quickly reminded of where I am. There are so many things out of my control and this was one of them. Fortunately, the situation was remedied and everything did work out for the very best. There is something to be said for trusting and believing everything will workout as intended. I continue to learn so much and today I learned to trust in the unknown. This takes the Serenity Prayer to another level because I not only accept the things I cannot change, I embrace these things, letting go and letting God is a wonderful philosophy which works out so well.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
"Gesticulate"
Over the past few weeks I have been made aware of certain things I do such as when I get excited, my voice goes up a few octaves. This reminded me of the first time someone said this to me. I had just gotten out of college and was working for an accounting firm in NYC. A group of us had been working together for a few months and one evening we went out to dinner. Afterward we were walking past the empire State Building. Incidentally, all the times I have been to the Empire State Building, I have never gone in. I did work in the World Trade Center and admired the view from the 110th floor and the restaurant on top of the Center. Anyway, the eight of us were engaged in conversation and I guess I got excited and my voice raised those few octaves when one of my colleagues very nicely said to me, “Do you realize your voice has a high pitch to it when you get excited?” Up until that point I had never known this. Now almost 20 years later I had the very same thing said to me. It appears some habits are very difficult to kick!
Also, I was told that I am very animated with my hands when I speak and also when I am pondering a question. I have always been aware of this habit and I would like to call it “gesticulating.” I do have a habit of not only using my hands when I speak, but also using my hands to think. I have done this for as long as I can remember. It is actually quite comical when someone imitates my hand gestures as my roommate has done over these past few days. Of course, he is exaggerating (or at least I hope he is) and I did laugh several times he has done it. One of the things I can say about myself is that I have always been able to laugh at myself. This goes all the way back to my elementary school days when my nickname was “Goofy.” I acquired this nickname because at the age of 11 I was 5’9” and oddly enough in thirty plus years I have only grown one inch! My hands and feet are the same size back then as they are now. Couple this with the fact that I was gesticulating with those hands then and I was a bit awkward in my motions I earned the nickname “Goofy.” As strange as it may seem, I didn’t mind this nickname. I think it only lasted for 2 years since everyone caught up to and passed me in height. I figured back then as it is now if I can’t laugh at myself, I can’t laugh at anything. It seems lately I have been doing more and more of laughing at myself then I have in a long time.
My roommate has very kindly labeled me a “freak.” This is mostly due to my freaky eating and exercise habits along with those strange hand gestures. I do laugh every time he says, “Freak” because when I think about it, I am one. I don’t prescribe to the “normal” eating or exercising habits so it is a bit freaky. I like to think of this as being “unique.” Yes, I am a strange fellow in certainly a strange predicament, but it all continues to workout for the very best. I laugh more now than I have in a very long time and I am finally at peace with myself. I’m not sure how to put this, but for so many years I never knew who I really was. I remember when I was in my early teenage years looking in the mirror and saying, “Who are you?” I filed this away for a very long time, but I believe the compulsive gambling prevented me from truly looking at who I really am. Now thankfully, the addiction has been set aside and I really like the person I have become. I did do bad things to earn my place to where I sit right now; however, I am not a bad person nor is anyone else. I have always exhibited kindness, goodness, generosity, sincerity, loyalty, and other positive qualities. This represents the true me, not the thief as the Judge powerfully said at my sentencing hearing. Without a doubt, I messed up; however, I have a long way to go in my lifetime (God willing) and with being in recovery I finally have a happy and healthy outlook. Now I know exactly how I am and this person has always been there. I am so grateful for recovery because having peace of mind is wonderful!
Here I sit having 3 ½ months remaining on my sentence. Yes, the time continues to tick on by. My wife will be here in a little over two weeks and I cannot wait. Thanksgiving is next week and quite frankly I could bypass the holidays altogether this year. I was apart from my family last holiday season and it wasn’t very much fun. I am certainly in a much better place and thanks to my dear friends; I continue to receive visits which helps me tremendously. I would like to hit the fast forward button so I could land on February 27th tomorrow morning. Of course, this is not possible and I will be doing my best to enjoy the days I have remaining. This time away continues to help me and so will the next 3 ½ months. My perspective on life has changed over the last 16 months and what matters most to me is my family. This has always been the case with me but I never admitted it. I hid behind an addiction which hindered my growth as a husband, father, and a person. Now that the addiction has been rendered dormant, the growth has been incredible. I most definitely love my life and can’t wait to share it with my family in
3 ½ months!
Also, I was told that I am very animated with my hands when I speak and also when I am pondering a question. I have always been aware of this habit and I would like to call it “gesticulating.” I do have a habit of not only using my hands when I speak, but also using my hands to think. I have done this for as long as I can remember. It is actually quite comical when someone imitates my hand gestures as my roommate has done over these past few days. Of course, he is exaggerating (or at least I hope he is) and I did laugh several times he has done it. One of the things I can say about myself is that I have always been able to laugh at myself. This goes all the way back to my elementary school days when my nickname was “Goofy.” I acquired this nickname because at the age of 11 I was 5’9” and oddly enough in thirty plus years I have only grown one inch! My hands and feet are the same size back then as they are now. Couple this with the fact that I was gesticulating with those hands then and I was a bit awkward in my motions I earned the nickname “Goofy.” As strange as it may seem, I didn’t mind this nickname. I think it only lasted for 2 years since everyone caught up to and passed me in height. I figured back then as it is now if I can’t laugh at myself, I can’t laugh at anything. It seems lately I have been doing more and more of laughing at myself then I have in a long time.
My roommate has very kindly labeled me a “freak.” This is mostly due to my freaky eating and exercise habits along with those strange hand gestures. I do laugh every time he says, “Freak” because when I think about it, I am one. I don’t prescribe to the “normal” eating or exercising habits so it is a bit freaky. I like to think of this as being “unique.” Yes, I am a strange fellow in certainly a strange predicament, but it all continues to workout for the very best. I laugh more now than I have in a very long time and I am finally at peace with myself. I’m not sure how to put this, but for so many years I never knew who I really was. I remember when I was in my early teenage years looking in the mirror and saying, “Who are you?” I filed this away for a very long time, but I believe the compulsive gambling prevented me from truly looking at who I really am. Now thankfully, the addiction has been set aside and I really like the person I have become. I did do bad things to earn my place to where I sit right now; however, I am not a bad person nor is anyone else. I have always exhibited kindness, goodness, generosity, sincerity, loyalty, and other positive qualities. This represents the true me, not the thief as the Judge powerfully said at my sentencing hearing. Without a doubt, I messed up; however, I have a long way to go in my lifetime (God willing) and with being in recovery I finally have a happy and healthy outlook. Now I know exactly how I am and this person has always been there. I am so grateful for recovery because having peace of mind is wonderful!
Here I sit having 3 ½ months remaining on my sentence. Yes, the time continues to tick on by. My wife will be here in a little over two weeks and I cannot wait. Thanksgiving is next week and quite frankly I could bypass the holidays altogether this year. I was apart from my family last holiday season and it wasn’t very much fun. I am certainly in a much better place and thanks to my dear friends; I continue to receive visits which helps me tremendously. I would like to hit the fast forward button so I could land on February 27th tomorrow morning. Of course, this is not possible and I will be doing my best to enjoy the days I have remaining. This time away continues to help me and so will the next 3 ½ months. My perspective on life has changed over the last 16 months and what matters most to me is my family. This has always been the case with me but I never admitted it. I hid behind an addiction which hindered my growth as a husband, father, and a person. Now that the addiction has been rendered dormant, the growth has been incredible. I most definitely love my life and can’t wait to share it with my family in
3 ½ months!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Everyone's Still Here
Last night I didn’t feel much like reading, and my roommate and I had exhausted our conversation. I just lay in bed listening to the John Tesh radio program before falling asleep. I got out of bed at 5:00 and headed for the weight area. Something very comical happened during the morning session, and all I can say is I was “singled out” for a reason that wasn’t readily apparent to me or anyone else in the weight area. Oh well, I do chuckle and just let it go because it is one of those many things I have no control over.
Breakfast was uneventful, and I ate all the available oatmeal at our table. Since everyone is still here, the normal routine has been disrupted. We were able to clean the bathrooms with little inconvenience, and we were quick but thorough. With the bathrooms cleaned, I set out to do 80 minutes of Harvard steps. Once again, the weather was spectacular with temperatures warmer than yesterday (80’s) and less of a breeze with brilliant sunshine. It is hard to believe it is the middle of November with these warm temperatures.
After lunch, the mail call arrived very early, and I received three letters. One of the letters was from the University of Maryland congratulating me on my acceptance to their on-line classes. This was step one in the process. Now, I need to find out what class or classes I need to take to finish my long-awaited degree requirements. The time of the on-line class appears perfect as classes start late March. Conceivably, this will work out very well as I can complete the class or classes while I am working and living in Las Vegas while waiting for my family to join me next June. I can have everything accomplished before they come out, which would be great. Yes, everything continues to work out for the very best, and I am eternally grateful.
Breakfast was uneventful, and I ate all the available oatmeal at our table. Since everyone is still here, the normal routine has been disrupted. We were able to clean the bathrooms with little inconvenience, and we were quick but thorough. With the bathrooms cleaned, I set out to do 80 minutes of Harvard steps. Once again, the weather was spectacular with temperatures warmer than yesterday (80’s) and less of a breeze with brilliant sunshine. It is hard to believe it is the middle of November with these warm temperatures.
After lunch, the mail call arrived very early, and I received three letters. One of the letters was from the University of Maryland congratulating me on my acceptance to their on-line classes. This was step one in the process. Now, I need to find out what class or classes I need to take to finish my long-awaited degree requirements. The time of the on-line class appears perfect as classes start late March. Conceivably, this will work out very well as I can complete the class or classes while I am working and living in Las Vegas while waiting for my family to join me next June. I can have everything accomplished before they come out, which would be great. Yes, everything continues to work out for the very best, and I am eternally grateful.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Scrabble
Where do these days go, indeed? Another weekend has passed; however, I guess today being Veteran’s Day it really is a three-day weekend. Anyhow, the natural weekend is over, and it is on to another week. Yesterday, after the fabulous GA meeting, the rest of the day went quickly. I was true to my word and took the entire day off from exercising. I ventured into the television room to watch the football game between the Dallas Cowboys and my son’s team the New York Giants. Since the Giants are my son’s team, they are also my team. I have been watching football for as long as I can remember. Over that period of time, I did have that horrible compulsive gambling habit; however, I can state that I have always had a fairly discerning eye when watching most sports, football included. I really haven’t had a favorite football team since Terry Bradshaw, Franco Harris, and Lynn Swann, et al, last played for the Pittsburgh Steelers. With that in mind, I have been somewhat following the New York Giants this season. I was very surprised to see they only had lost two games all year headed into the game with the Cowboys. Frankly, I didn’t believe the Giants were that good to only have two losses, and incidentally, those two losses came to the two best teams in the NFC; the cowboys and the Green Bay Packers.
Well, now the Giants have three losses, and they didn’t fare very well against the Cowboys on Sunday. I do believe the Giants could be a much better team with a different coach. They have some very good players who I think are being stymied by their head coach. There quarterback, Eli Manning (yes, Peyton’s brother and Archie’s son), shows signs of brilliance while other times shows signs of disaster. While watching the game, I noticed a few unforgiveable penalties incurred by the Giants. The announcers pinned a few of these on Eli, but I believe it is the head coach’s fault because he is too controlling. It will be interesting to see if the Giants hold on to their head coach at the end of the season. I hope they go in another direction before Eli’s confidence is completely shot. They do have talent and should have a bright future without their current head coach.
The game was well in control by the Cowboys, who are clearly the better team. It almost pains me to say that last statement because, over the years I watched football, there may not have been teams that were my favorites, but there were a few teams that I certainly disliked; the Cowboys being one and the Oakland Raiders being the other. I have always been a fan of winning with class, and to me these two teams did not display this characteristic. My first favorite football team was the Miami Dolphins when they went through the 1972 season undefeated. I enjoyed how they seemed to win with class. Today, I can see this in the New England Patriots somewhat, but their last game against the Indianapolis Colts left something to be desired, at leas in terms of winning with class. I have never been a big proponent for the touchdown celebration, and I once heard an interview with the great running back, Barry Sanders. He was taught at an early age to act like you have scored a touchdown before, which is why he never spiked the football when he scored a touchdown. I certainly don’t mind impromptu celebrations, but some of these “celebrations” are better choreographed than some Broadway shows!
For all intents and purposes, the football game was over so I headed back to my room. My roommate suggested that the three of us (my friend who helps clean the bathrooms) play Scrabble after dinner. The Scrabble board had been retired since one of the initial members of the “table” had paroled back in June. I had been reluctant to join them back then, but I feel more comfortable now. I did say yes, and after dinner, the three of us played a game of Scrabble in the library. I had never played up until last night. I remember my sisters playing when we were kids, but for some reason, I never joined them. I was such a novice I had to read the rules before playing. It took me awhile to get used to the nuances, but I quickly caught on. The random draw of the letters was not very kind to me as my seven letters were made up of three “R’s” and four “L’s.” I came to find out this wasn’t very good as I struggled to find words. Much of the game I didn’t receive any vowels, and much to my chagrin, Vanna White wasn’t available so buying vowels was out of the question. The game lasted well over 1-1/2 hours. I did come in last by a considerable margin, but I had a good time. I learned that xi is a word found in Webster’s Dictionary which is the fourteenth letter in the Greek alphabet. Yes, it was fun and a very good way to pass away the time on a Sunday evening.
With the game over, we headed back to our rooms, and I must reiterate how much my roommate and I laugh each evening. I do go to sleep with a smile on my face, and that was the case last night. As I went to sleep, I was planning out my early morning. Today being a holiday meant all of the crews would be in camp and have the day off. In fact, most everyone with the exception of my friend and me had the day off. I did not want a repeat “write-up” of what happened on Columbus Day so we developed a plan for cleaning the bathrooms. The plan consisted of me getting up earlier than usual, complete my run, and then clean the bathrooms before breakfast. The plan went according to form, and we finished cleaning the bathrooms before breakfast. After breakfast, I hiked the hill in the back of the camp for almost two hours. It was a glorious morning with warm temperatures (70’s) and a slight breeze.
Nothing very exciting happened the rest of the day other than I did telephone my mother. We spoke for only 15 minutes as I had called the day before and spoke with my grandmother who informed me my mother and stepfather went to a wedding in Washington, D.C. for the weekend. It was great to speak with my grandmother who at 85 sounds great. My conversation with my mother was more brief than usual. It seemed we were both reluctant to share the letters we had written each other. Nonetheless, it is always great to speak with my mother, and she gave me a glowing report on my children. Yes, everything continues to move along quite nicely for them in New Jersey. I do believe this time apart had indeed worked out for the very best. Our conversation was over, and I returned to my room in preparation for my Boca burger dinner which I ate without incident.
Well, now the Giants have three losses, and they didn’t fare very well against the Cowboys on Sunday. I do believe the Giants could be a much better team with a different coach. They have some very good players who I think are being stymied by their head coach. There quarterback, Eli Manning (yes, Peyton’s brother and Archie’s son), shows signs of brilliance while other times shows signs of disaster. While watching the game, I noticed a few unforgiveable penalties incurred by the Giants. The announcers pinned a few of these on Eli, but I believe it is the head coach’s fault because he is too controlling. It will be interesting to see if the Giants hold on to their head coach at the end of the season. I hope they go in another direction before Eli’s confidence is completely shot. They do have talent and should have a bright future without their current head coach.
The game was well in control by the Cowboys, who are clearly the better team. It almost pains me to say that last statement because, over the years I watched football, there may not have been teams that were my favorites, but there were a few teams that I certainly disliked; the Cowboys being one and the Oakland Raiders being the other. I have always been a fan of winning with class, and to me these two teams did not display this characteristic. My first favorite football team was the Miami Dolphins when they went through the 1972 season undefeated. I enjoyed how they seemed to win with class. Today, I can see this in the New England Patriots somewhat, but their last game against the Indianapolis Colts left something to be desired, at leas in terms of winning with class. I have never been a big proponent for the touchdown celebration, and I once heard an interview with the great running back, Barry Sanders. He was taught at an early age to act like you have scored a touchdown before, which is why he never spiked the football when he scored a touchdown. I certainly don’t mind impromptu celebrations, but some of these “celebrations” are better choreographed than some Broadway shows!
For all intents and purposes, the football game was over so I headed back to my room. My roommate suggested that the three of us (my friend who helps clean the bathrooms) play Scrabble after dinner. The Scrabble board had been retired since one of the initial members of the “table” had paroled back in June. I had been reluctant to join them back then, but I feel more comfortable now. I did say yes, and after dinner, the three of us played a game of Scrabble in the library. I had never played up until last night. I remember my sisters playing when we were kids, but for some reason, I never joined them. I was such a novice I had to read the rules before playing. It took me awhile to get used to the nuances, but I quickly caught on. The random draw of the letters was not very kind to me as my seven letters were made up of three “R’s” and four “L’s.” I came to find out this wasn’t very good as I struggled to find words. Much of the game I didn’t receive any vowels, and much to my chagrin, Vanna White wasn’t available so buying vowels was out of the question. The game lasted well over 1-1/2 hours. I did come in last by a considerable margin, but I had a good time. I learned that xi is a word found in Webster’s Dictionary which is the fourteenth letter in the Greek alphabet. Yes, it was fun and a very good way to pass away the time on a Sunday evening.
With the game over, we headed back to our rooms, and I must reiterate how much my roommate and I laugh each evening. I do go to sleep with a smile on my face, and that was the case last night. As I went to sleep, I was planning out my early morning. Today being a holiday meant all of the crews would be in camp and have the day off. In fact, most everyone with the exception of my friend and me had the day off. I did not want a repeat “write-up” of what happened on Columbus Day so we developed a plan for cleaning the bathrooms. The plan consisted of me getting up earlier than usual, complete my run, and then clean the bathrooms before breakfast. The plan went according to form, and we finished cleaning the bathrooms before breakfast. After breakfast, I hiked the hill in the back of the camp for almost two hours. It was a glorious morning with warm temperatures (70’s) and a slight breeze.
Nothing very exciting happened the rest of the day other than I did telephone my mother. We spoke for only 15 minutes as I had called the day before and spoke with my grandmother who informed me my mother and stepfather went to a wedding in Washington, D.C. for the weekend. It was great to speak with my grandmother who at 85 sounds great. My conversation with my mother was more brief than usual. It seemed we were both reluctant to share the letters we had written each other. Nonetheless, it is always great to speak with my mother, and she gave me a glowing report on my children. Yes, everything continues to move along quite nicely for them in New Jersey. I do believe this time apart had indeed worked out for the very best. Our conversation was over, and I returned to my room in preparation for my Boca burger dinner which I ate without incident.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Fabulous Program
Last night was one of those – “I laughed so hard, I cried” nights. My roommate and I were at it again making each other laugh as hard as we possibly could. I’m not sure what our neighbors think about our uncontrollable laughter. I suspect that they already believe we are peculiar and now with the crazy laughter, they think we are certifiable. I’m not sure how it all started, but one comment lead to another and the next thing I realized, I was laughing so hard tears were coming out of my eyes. It could have started with dinner which was beef. My roommate wasn’t satisfied with this meal so he made himself something to eat when we came back to the room. He made a dish of Mexican rice and sardines. (typists note - OMIGOD!! – does that not sound disgusting??) He offered me some and as is the case most times when I decline something I dislike, I turned up my nose as I said, “No, thank you.” Then it went from there because here we were two somewhat successful business people sitting in our prison dorm on a Saturday night staring at a bowl of rice and sardines. My how far we have come! Fortunately, we are able to make light of our situations and laugh. Taking it a step further, I am very fortunate to have met my roommate because we spend more time laughing than most other things. The evening went by quickly and I even stayed awake past 9:00 pm which is a huge step for me.
We finally settled down and went to sleep. Somewhere after this journey is completed and I am employed with a health care plan, I do need to get my kidneys or bladder checked. If I have a 12 ounce cup of tea or hot chocolate after 7:00 pm I am up several times during the night. This occurred last night and I have even seen this happen to me during the day when I drink a certain quantity of water. I really don’t know what it is and probably this has been with me all my life but in my current situation it is more pronounced. My liquid intake seems a great deal less than it has ever been yet I still make these visits to the restroom even more frequently. With only 100 plus days remaining, I will monitor and it hasn’t gotten worse but it is still annoying.
As I was shaving today, I noticed how long my hair has gotten. I think my last haircut was over 3 months ago and my hair is now covering more than half of my ears. This could be the longest my hair has been in a very long time. I took out the picture my mother sent me from 24 years and in a month or two without getting a haircut, my hair would be just as long. I am faced with a dilemma which is getting my haircut or letting it grow for the next 100 plus days. The really good barber has departed the camp and now we have a few guys who are just learning. They are very good at shaving heads and creating buzz cuts. I am not looking for either one of these as I wouldn’t look very good. I am so skinny that if I shaved my head, I would look sickly. I will probably bite the bullet and get my hair cut this week in preparation for my wife’s visit in less than 3 weeks.
I read the daily verse from “Living the Wisdom of the Tao”. The title for the verse for today is “Living by the Three Treasures.” These are mercy, frugality, and humility. This truly is very simple because mercy translates into living with compassion, good heartedness, love, kindness, and charity. Frugality translates into living in economy, moderation, and thrift or simplicity. Humility translates into “not presuming” to be above nature, daring not to be ahead of others, and not always trying to be number one. Wow, this verse was so appropriate for today because my dear friends from GA were arriving for the GA visit.
The GA Program and my cherished friends embody these three qualities. I felt the love as soon as I heard my name announced informing me I had a visit. These dear friends were so generous to come this morning. I was greeted with hugs and kisses as I entered the visiting area. The connection I share with each of these 6 people who came today goes beyond the common bond of suffering with a compulsive gambling addiction. Each one of us is in recovery and no longer suffering as I believe we are all thriving. I was certainly thriving from their presence. I was so happy to see them and couldn’t believe four weeks had passed by since the last meeting. Where does the time go indeed?
We all took seats at the concrete picnic table and I could feel the physical and spiritual warmth emanating from each person. The underlying theme of today’s meeting was honesty. GA is first and last an honesty program and it took me 20 years to finally accept this and once I accepted this virtue the Program has come easy and my life continues to change in a positive manner. One of my dear friends made a comment stating the name of this meeting should be changed to the Sunday Morning Brunch Meeting! The amount of food is incredible and my amazing friends continue to cater to my finicky eating habits. My day and week were made brighter by the goodness of these very dear people! Thank you all once again!
We finally settled down and went to sleep. Somewhere after this journey is completed and I am employed with a health care plan, I do need to get my kidneys or bladder checked. If I have a 12 ounce cup of tea or hot chocolate after 7:00 pm I am up several times during the night. This occurred last night and I have even seen this happen to me during the day when I drink a certain quantity of water. I really don’t know what it is and probably this has been with me all my life but in my current situation it is more pronounced. My liquid intake seems a great deal less than it has ever been yet I still make these visits to the restroom even more frequently. With only 100 plus days remaining, I will monitor and it hasn’t gotten worse but it is still annoying.
As I was shaving today, I noticed how long my hair has gotten. I think my last haircut was over 3 months ago and my hair is now covering more than half of my ears. This could be the longest my hair has been in a very long time. I took out the picture my mother sent me from 24 years and in a month or two without getting a haircut, my hair would be just as long. I am faced with a dilemma which is getting my haircut or letting it grow for the next 100 plus days. The really good barber has departed the camp and now we have a few guys who are just learning. They are very good at shaving heads and creating buzz cuts. I am not looking for either one of these as I wouldn’t look very good. I am so skinny that if I shaved my head, I would look sickly. I will probably bite the bullet and get my hair cut this week in preparation for my wife’s visit in less than 3 weeks.
I read the daily verse from “Living the Wisdom of the Tao”. The title for the verse for today is “Living by the Three Treasures.” These are mercy, frugality, and humility. This truly is very simple because mercy translates into living with compassion, good heartedness, love, kindness, and charity. Frugality translates into living in economy, moderation, and thrift or simplicity. Humility translates into “not presuming” to be above nature, daring not to be ahead of others, and not always trying to be number one. Wow, this verse was so appropriate for today because my dear friends from GA were arriving for the GA visit.
The GA Program and my cherished friends embody these three qualities. I felt the love as soon as I heard my name announced informing me I had a visit. These dear friends were so generous to come this morning. I was greeted with hugs and kisses as I entered the visiting area. The connection I share with each of these 6 people who came today goes beyond the common bond of suffering with a compulsive gambling addiction. Each one of us is in recovery and no longer suffering as I believe we are all thriving. I was certainly thriving from their presence. I was so happy to see them and couldn’t believe four weeks had passed by since the last meeting. Where does the time go indeed?
We all took seats at the concrete picnic table and I could feel the physical and spiritual warmth emanating from each person. The underlying theme of today’s meeting was honesty. GA is first and last an honesty program and it took me 20 years to finally accept this and once I accepted this virtue the Program has come easy and my life continues to change in a positive manner. One of my dear friends made a comment stating the name of this meeting should be changed to the Sunday Morning Brunch Meeting! The amount of food is incredible and my amazing friends continue to cater to my finicky eating habits. My day and week were made brighter by the goodness of these very dear people! Thank you all once again!
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