Serious Issues

I thought I would just post once a week and for the most part I will stick with that plan; however; this evening I was checking the stats for the blog and came across a fairly disturbing incidence. In the stats I can see how a person came upon the blog whether it was a direct entry or from a search engine. Most of the people who visit this blog come in directly but there are a few others who came here via a search engine. One such entry came today at 11:03 am Pacific Time from a server located in San Francisco. This is not unusual what is unusual is the search strand; "Compulsive Gambler and want to Die". Yes, those are the exact words someone used and they accessed this blog. Unfortunately this is all I know and the person didn't stay very long only looking at the first page.

I would like to know what happened after this and yes, this is a very serious addiction. Just the other day I had a conversation with my boss about the perils of compulsive gambling and what it does to a person. We read the same line in every Gamblers Anonymous meeting; "prison, insanity or death". This isn't a joke and this isn't a joking matter; compulsive gamblers have the highest rate of suicide of any addiction; at least one in four compulsive gamblers attempt suicide.

I can only hope and pray that the person who accessed this site earlier in the day with that ominious search hasn't done anything drastic. It may seem like the end of the world when all the material possessions have been gambled away along with many personal issues; however; there is help and my help continues to come from the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I implore anyone with a compulsive gambling problem to contact their local chapter. Here is a listing of all the meetings around the world. If there isn't a meeting in your vicinity please call 1-800-GAMBLER and they will direct to a place that can help.

I want everyone to know there is help and they are not alone. This seems to be a very lonely disease and at time there appears to be no way out but I can say firsthand there is a way out and it is through recovery. Please if you are thinking about ending your life stop and call someone, anyone the 1-800-GAMBLER is a great service along with just reaching out for help. People are there to help and my email address is paul.delvacchio@gmail.com and I can be reached toll free at 1-866-942-7943 anytime. Thank you!!!!

Bruuuuce!!!!!

Yes, another week down and it was a great week. Our Easter Sunday was “unique” in the fact that it was just the four of us. Usually we spend the holidays with friends or family but last week we spent the day with only us. It was a good day all the way through as we ended the day at the beach for a Southern Californian Easter Sunday. This was the first time in two years I was with my family on Easter Sunday and now I can put those “first times” to rest. I am approaching one year since my family returned and life has returned to an incredibly new normal in every facet.

Since it was Easter Sunday I didn’t make my way to the usual Sunday Gamblers Anonymous meeting; however; since it was the second Monday of the month I did attend the Monday Speaker’s meeting. These are wonderful meetings and a great opportunity to get the incredible members of the program. I am so happy I am serving as Secretary of this meeting and last Monday was yet another great meeting. The stories are different but the underlying theme is always the same which is the inability to live a sane life while the compulsive gambling took over the person’s life. Yes, it is always insanity to hear these stories but after the world comes crashing down the GA Program is there to pick up the pieces. I can say firsthand that these pieces are fitting together incredibly well in my life and yes, all thanks to the GA Program.

My life is moving forward as well as I could have ever imagined and this week as it always seems to be was wonderful. The children are on their second week of Spring Break which meant there weren’t any “ball” games during the week. It was a good week at work and on Thursday my wife and I attended the Bruce Springsteen concert I had been so looking forward to for the past few months. Interestingly enough I had seen Bruce 25 years ago in this same venue when I attended the University of Southern California as second year college student. I really wasn’t much of fan of Bruce while I was growing up in New Jersey. However; something seem to happen when I went away to Southern California for college and I became a fan. I became an even bigger fan of Bruce when I witnessed firsthand his incredible concert some 25 years ago.

I witnessed five of the seven shows back 25 years ago and I was in awe. Now 25 years later I am still in awe and the Boss hasn’t lost a step in all those years. The concert was magnificent and the building where I first saw him hasn’t changed at all in that time period. Bruce labeled it the “dump that jumps” and yes, it is a dump but it did jump for 2 hours and 40 minutes while Bruce and E Street Band brought down the house.

It was well worth the 2 ½ hour drive through horrific traffic and I did have my doubts we would see the beginning of the show but as it turned out we didn’t miss a moment. I looked around the “dump” and there were people of all ages but mostly a little older than my 43 years. Bruce has been rocking for 35 years and there were fans from his early years. It is amazing the collection of work over those 35 years and more amazing was the energy the 59 year old brought. It was clear to me that Bruce loves what he does and it showed throughout the entire performance. Wow; it was a fantastic show and I didn’t mind at all getting home at the very late hour because I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Saturday brought the usual “ball” games with my son and daughter having their games. This was an early start and they both had games at the same time. This meant I went with my son and my wife went with our daughter. My son’s game went very well and I am having a great time coaching the kids. It was my responsibility to warm up the pitchers before and during the game. The kids on his team are really good and it is a blast. The game was well played and my son’s team prevailed 5-1. My son went 1 for 3 and scored one run. He is a good little player that just needs some more confidence. I can see his confidence increasing and it was a very good game all the way through.

After my son’s game we made our way to my daughter’s game where she was playing the second game of the scheduled doubleheader. The first game was close but unfortunately my daughter’s team was not successful. My daughter’s attitude has gotten better about her team as she realized the season is ending soon. The second game was a rout by the other team but my daughter did smack a solid single to centerfield but was caught stealing second base. Yes, her season is ending in the next two weeks but she is going to try out for the All Star team. My daughter does have the skills but the All Star league is a very big commitment and because we are going back to New Jersey this summer she will miss a few weeks of that season. I think this will hurt her chances but she does understand and trying out for the team will be a good experience.

Last night we reconvened “Game Night” with our dear friends and initially there were supposed to be a few other families joining us but in the end it was the usual dear friends. The evening went by so quickly and thankfully we gave Pictionary the night off. Instead we tried a trivia game which wasn’t well received and a charade type game which is always fun. The games are great but spending time with our friends is even better. I am so blessed in every way possible and having these types of nights are indeed blessings. I am so grateful for everything in my life and yes, it was indeed another wonderful week!!!

Easter Sunday 2009

Happy Easter!!! Wow, it is Easter again. It seems like just yesterday that I was spending the day by myself without my family last year but thankfully this year all of that has changed for the better. This marks the very first “holiday” of my new found “freedom”. I was free to go anywhere as I did not need permission. Yes, this is a great sign but really my life is fantastic and now life has moved into a wonderful “new” normal. Today waking up with my family under one roof was indeed the highlight of my day; the rest of the day was just like the icing on the cake. I cannot say enough how well my life is moving and it is all thanks to recovery. This recovery is multi-faceted but the main ingredient is living my life with a positive purpose doing the right thing no matter the circumstance. I am eternally grateful for my life and for everyone in my life especially my family. I love my family with all my being and yes, life is great.

This past week started last Sunday as I attended the Sunday Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I can no longer attend four or five meetings a week when I first entered the program over four years ago. Now I do my very best to honor my commitment of attending one meeting per week. This week was the “in between” week of the Speaker’s meeting and which meant there wasn’t a Speaker’s meeting so I needed to attend the Sunday meeting which was wonderful. The meeting was once again inspirational and there are so many dear friends in this program. I am very blessed to be in the position I am in all thanks to the GA Program. Yes, I returned to the area of my misdeeds but this has not been an issue at all again all thanks to recovery. This was a great start to the week.

On Tuesday my son had a baseball game and what a game he had! He had his best game in his brief Pony League career going three for three, knocking in three runs, and scoring three runs as well. Additionally he did make a great defensive play as he fielded a pop up sliding to catch the ball from his catcher’s position. Yes, it was a great game through and through. His three hits were two doubles and a single. In his league if the pitcher throws four balls the coach comes out and throws two pitchers, the batter either hits one of those two pitches or is out.

My son did receive four balls on those three at bats and he drilled a double off of me in his first at bat. This was the first time I was the “pitching coach” and not only did he drill that double the rest of his hits came off of me as well. I was shocked at that first double because it wasn’t very far from the outfield fence. My son seemed energize to hit off of his dear old Dad and whatever the case he was a fantastic game. His team was victorious and is approaching .500 on the season.

The rest of the week was the usual with the exception of on Thursday I took my son to work. The children are off for Spring Break and with my daughter sleeping over a friend’s house and with our dear friend away who had been looking after our children while my wife and I were at work; we decided to take my son to work. He was so good keeping himself occupied on the computer, with a book and with his electronic game. I was able to go about my normal day with my son a few feet away. The day went very well and after lunch I dropped him off at my wife’s work where she had only an hour left in her day. It was very cool taking my son to work and I had to smile each time I looked over to him.

I continue to train for the marathon in less than two weeks. I completed the intense sessions this week and my mileage had peaked at 56 miles this week. I modified the training sessions to suit my needs much better covering that distance in only four days instead of five. This meant I had three 12 mile days and one 20 mile days. If I had to compare this most recent 20 mile run to the 20 mile runs I have completed in the past 8 months I must say this was the best run I have had to date. I ran the first 10 miles in one hour and 15 minutes and covered the final 10 miles in less than one hour and 10 minutes. This is exactly what I had planned and I was feeling as good as I have ever felt in that last mile than I have ever felt before. I was moving along great and it is simply amazing how fast time slips by as the miles pile up. I don’t know if this will translate into my finally qualifying for the Boston Marathon but I am giving it my all.

Rounding out the week was of course Easter today. As I mentioned earlier the joy came early this morning and as always lasted all day long. We did the usual Easter things in going to church and going to breakfast but for the most part it was a very low key day. I did fit in watching some of the Masters Golf Tournament and for the first time viewed on a High Definition Television and my goodness that course is gorgeous. In any event after watching we headed for the beach. It was a perfect Southern California day and the beach was the perfect place to be. The children went on a few rides and we played on the beach. My son and daughter were having a good time and my son brought much of the beach home with him!! Yes, it was a great Easter Sunday 2009!!

Tale of the Dog

Where do the weeks go??? My oh my another week in the books and time is certainly passing so very quickly. Yes, this past week was more of the same but that “more of the same” is music to my ears. I was wondering if I would ever receive “official” confirmation of me being released from my parole commitment and yes, I did finally receive the word. I received word on April fool’s Day (no less!) but this wasn’t a joke as the “quasi-official” paperwork was sent to me later in the day. (I am supposed to receive some type of more official notification in three months but in the meantime I do have documentation that states my commitment has been fulfilled.) It is interesting because I have been looking forward to this day for a long time and when I received the “official” word from the powers that be it was more anticlimactic than anything else.

I continue to learn so very much in my recovery and I believe one of those lessons of continuing to take life “one day at time” rang true when I received the official word. I am very relieved my commitment has been fulfilled; however; if I have learned anything in recovery the fact that I am no longer required to do the “right thing” should make no difference at all. I will continue to do the right things because this is how I must live my life. If I don’t do the right things the wrong things will happen and having gone down that road I have no desire to revisit those horrible consequences. Sure this is a part of me that still kicks myself for doing what I did but I do believe that is a positive because I don’t dwell in those thoughts. Those thoughts are a reminder of what has happened and I don’t want to forget those reminders as I did the first two times I inadequately dealt with my compulsive gambling addiction.

My favorite phrase in Gamblers Anonymous is written in the Seventh Step; “Compulsive gambling is a LEARNED INADEQUATE RESPONSE TO LIFE”. There is no doubt in my mind what I did to propagate my compulsive gambling behavior was most definitely a LEARNED INADEQUATE RESPONSE TO LIFE. Now in recovery I am learning an adequate response to life which goes back to doing the right things even when no one is watching. This is a true testament of a person’s character and I have been given a second chance to display these characteristics. I am in a position at my job where I must display these characteristics or else I will go back to square one. I have an incredible life with an incredible family along with amazing friends. I would not trade this journey for anything and yes, I continue to learn so very much on this journey; life is wonderful!!!

There were the usual softball and baseball games this week. My son’s team won one game and lost the other. My daughter’s softball team continued their losing ways and this is wearing very thin on my daughter. She is doing her best but the play of the other girls on her team is affecting my daughter in a negative way. I can only offer her encouraging words and when she says she wants to quit I inform her that if she quits she has no chance of playing on the All Star team when the season ends. There is a good possibly that my daughter may make the All Star team for her age group because she is one of the better players in the league but if her attitude continues and her play continues to deteriorate because of her attitude she will not have an opportunity to play on the All Star team.

There is another “kicker” to the All Star team and it is the commitment. Right now my daughter has two games per week with one practice which encompasses three days total during the week. The All Star team practices six days a week and their games cover three to four days starting on Memorial Day. I didn’t know about the All Stars when I booked our trips to New Jersey and if my daughter does make the team she will miss half of their tournaments because she will be in New Jersey. I don’t know if this will be a hinder to her making the team because after all it really isn’t fair to another girl who possibly has the same ability and can make all the tournaments. We shall see what happens as the try outs are the first week in May and yes, my daughter really wants to make the team.

My son continues to be very perplexing in his baseball hitting. He has the ability to hit the baseball but has a tendency to just stand there and watch the pitches go by. I have tried just about everything and now I am down to reverse psychology encouraging my son to just stand there and watch the pitches. This seemed to have the most affect on him as he actually swung at the pitches but got called out on a very questionable call by the umpire. In any event I received the team’s statistics from my son’s head coach and my son is the third leading hitter on his team hitting a cool .429. He does have the ability but his confidence is a bit shaky so when he saw the statistics his confidence seemed to rise and it is so interesting how different but similar my two children are. I have to basically discouraged my daughter since she is so intense (which does remind me of myself when I was her age) whereas my son needs encouragement since his intensity level is a little low. I must say that my son does have a great deal of heart and is really enjoying the catcher’s position. Whatever the case I love these days and afternoons at the ball fields so very much.

My wife and I had a “Date night” this past week while a very good friend took our children out for a very fun evening. My wife and I went to our favorite local restaurant and had a great dinner officially celebrating my newly gained freedom. The children and our friend went to dinner then to a movie and capped off the evening with some frozen yogurt. Yes, our friend did spoil them so very much but everyone appeared to have a great time. It is so fascinating how life works out because I haven’t known this very dear friend very long yet we share a very common bond and seeing their faces when they came home was well worth everything. Life is a strange and fascinating journey through and through and these incredible twists and turns are wonderful in every way possible. I am not sure if our dear friend had a better time than our children on their very fun night out but whatever the case there is a bond building and this bond will hopefully build for a lifetime.

I have mentioned before that our children have been lobbying for a dog over the past few months. My wife subscribes to something called “Freecycle” which is an email list that local people utilize to give away many different things for free. Occasionally there will be pets and over the weekend a family was giving away a 5 year old female beagle. I saw the email and asked my wife if she would be interested since she really isn’t a dog person. After receiving some photographs of the very cute dog and a description that basically read the dog is very sweet and loving my wife had given her approval.

The children were very happy and tonight we were going to meet the dog. However; I made a mistake by not asking our landlords if we could actually have a dog in the house. I did call earlier today and the landlords weren’t very receptive to the idea of having a dog in the house no matter how big or small. The request to have a dog was denied and this meant I had to explain it to my children and my wife. My wife was even disappointed having warmed to the idea of actually having a dog which is a very big step. My son seemed to take it in stride like he does most things while my daughter who last night had her reservations about getting the dog as she pontificated whether or not our family was “ready” to have a dog; took the denial very hard. She cried and asked why we couldn’t have our own house where we could have a dog and she could paint her room any color she wanted.

These were great questions and all I could say is that we will have our own house some day. I couldn’t dwell on the fact that the fact that we don’t have our house; is my entire fault as it fell victim to my compulsive gambling addiction. I could only reassure her that we will have our own house and at the very least live in a place where we can have a dog and she can paint her room whatever color she wanted. This was heart wrenching because yes, it is my fault but I won’t beat myself up as the damage is done and I must live one day at a time. I really don’t know when I will be in a position to purchase a home because I still have debts I need to pay which I am working on albeit a bit slowly.

In any event I know everything will work out for the very best because it always does. I would have loved to have the dog but it just wasn’t meant to be at this point. Even something as seemingly insignificant as this does happen for a reason and I have an idea as to what that reason was. I will be handed these questions going forward such as the ones posed by my daughter and it is how I handle those questions that will determine if I am indeed living life one moment at a time. I do my best each moment and today was very difficult seeing the sadness on my daughter’s face. I was able to wipe away the tears and garner a smile on her beautiful face. I do have a great deal of work ahead of me but in recovery I know it won’t be “work” as much as it will be an fantastic experience as the incredible journey progresses.

Weekly Blog and a Farily Significant Date

I have had a sneaking suspicion that the daily writing of this blog would come to an end since has become increasingly more difficult to write on a daily basis. I have been able in the past to “catch up” on the daily passages I have missed but lately ever since life got back to a great wonderful new “normal” the days pass and my computer time has become very limited. Yes, this is a positive and although I most likely will not be able to post on a daily basis I will attempt something different starting with today; a summary of this past week’s events and how recovery continues to enhance my life.

Last Saturday evening we spent it with our dear friends for a “game night”. Ever since my wife has started working the visits with these dear friends have been minimal at best. Yes, it is our responsibility to make the effort for at least a monthly “game night” and this is exactly what has been planned. “Game night” was as always a great deal of fun and the only game we did play was my least favorite but now seems to be “mandatory” in Pictionary. The “guys” were not victorious last week as the “gals” had their game on despite the constant laughter. It is very funny because the day before playing I was talking with a friend about Pictionary and how bad a drawer I am and how I despise drawing animals; and guess what my first draw was that of a dog! Yes, that figures and it does figure in a smaller scale to the “Law of Attraction”!!

Sunday I did attend the Gamblers Anonymous meeting which was as always very good with a very good turnout. I do get so much out of the meetings and thank God for Gamblers Anonymous as it continues to save along with enhance my life. It certainly enhanced my life on Monday evening when a very dear friend was the featured speaker for the Speaker’s meeting. This dear friend will celebrate their fifth year in the program and the hour long speaker’s meeting was very insightful. My dear friends chose the topic of the “Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions” and as fortune would have 2 brand new members were in attendance which has a tendency to be a bit tricky in this type of format but the topic was perfect for a new member especially how my dear friend presented those 20 questions. As it turns out the session was so well received my friend and I will be presenting this at our mini-conference in June. I thought that was a great idea and I look forward to adding my “two cents” to those 20 questions.

Tuesday brought the baseball and softball games as we were “double booked” for the evening. Yes, both my son and daughter had games which meant my wife would have to drop off, drop off and head back. Thankfully my wife’s new job has very convenient hours which allow her to get the children to and for their “ball” activities. My daughter is required to be at her game one hour prior to the start time whereas my son needs only to be there about 30 minutes prior to game time so this means my daughter gets dropped off then my son and then my wife returns to my daughter’s game. I go directly to my son’s game as it is only a 3 minute drive from my office which again figures into the whole “how everything continues to work out for the very best” scenario; yes, even the little things are made that much better through everything.

My son’s game went well and ended in a tie with my son going his usual one for two with the one being a base hit and the other “one” being a strike out. He is the “star” catcher and catches most of the game and yes, I think he is having a good time. My daughter’s team ended their one game winning streak and returned to the losing column. My daughter continues to be the “go to” pitcher on her team and I can see her patience wearing thin with her teammates as the losses are piling up. This is a good learning experience for my daughter but I doubt she feels like she is learning anything as the losses are clouding her judgment. In any event my daughter continues to give 110% and does her very best all game long.

Wednesday brought the rare “day off” from events and I ended up working much later than expected. I had an interesting conversation with a person who is in a very important position outside of my company. I didn’t know this person “before” and I don’t know if this person knows my “history” but I was very encouraged with the conversation. It is truly remarkable how well everything is working out and this includes these conversations. The very fact that I am in a position to have these types of positions is a true testament to recovery. I am so fortunate and blessed to be where I am today all thanks to recovery. I had to stop and take a breath after this conversation and take stock of how far I have come in such a short time, wow!

Yes, it has been a short time as this all started over 4 years ago. On Friday my parole officially concluding as I made it through the last 13 months without any incidence. There was no doubt in my mind that there wouldn’t be an incident as I continue to practice all the good things in my life. However; I must admit I was somewhat leery headed into the last 13 months especially hearing all those horror stories. I realized when I heard those stories that every circumstance is different and as long as I did right thing all the right things would happen and yes, this is how it all has transpired.

I don’t think I felt any different when I woke up on Friday morning as I did the usual making my way to the gym as the calendar read March 27, 2009. I have had my eye on this date ever since my release 13 months ago and the only real difference is that my “leash” has been severed. I am no longer required to “report” on my whereabouts and if I need to leave the great state of California I can without any issues. Additionally my civil rights have been restored and I can vote along with being eligible for jury duty. I don’t believe I took those duties for granted prior to losing them but I never really took stock of how fortunate I am. This is the biggest difference in the last four years; the little things have tremendous meaning and yes, it is all little things outside of any harm to my incredible family. I have been more than fortunate over the past 13 months and although my leash has been severed I will continue doing the right things as this is the “right thing” to do.

Yesterday arrived and it was another Saturday on the diamond with the children. This week my daughter had a game first followed by my son’s game. My daughter’s team once again didn’t fare so well but my daughter had two very solid hits and drove in 3 runs. She did pitch and pitched well but it is very difficult for her as her team doesn’t seem to make the plays. There aren’t any routine plays for my daughter’s team as every play seems like an adventure. My daughter was very upset during the game and I did my best to calm her down; and thankfully she was able to get that second hit in between her anger which did calm her down. She has a very affable coach who headed my plea to go out to the mound as I saw my daughter simmering; her coach went out there and did calm her down. She is quite the competitor and this has been a very trying year for her but I do believe it is building character for her down the road.

My son’s team played a very good game and was in a “dog fight” with the best team in the league. Unfortunately they fell one run short but it wasn’t for lack of trying. My son went one for three striking out twice. My son has a tendency of keeping the bat on his shoulder and it cost him in his final at bat. He watched the third strike cross the plate despite my imploring of him to swing and as he returned to the dugout I was less than cordial telling him he needed to swing the bat on any pitch that was close. He didn’t like what I had to say and started to cry; I admit I was less than congenial and could have used a better tone. I did apologize and he did stop crying.

Normally I am not like this but there was something in the air during the game. The opposing coach was having a bad day and let his anger out at the umpire in a few incidents. I have never seen this before as all of the opposing coaches are good people and never argue with the very impressionable umpires (these are kids themselves barely hitting puberty). I couldn’t believe the opposing coach was doing this and it had a ripple effect on the kids playing. The focus was off playing baseball and on the coach; my son even became quiet which is unusual for him and I asked him what was wrong and he just pointed to the other coach asking what was the matter with him??? I did my best to explain and for my son to just focus in on playing baseball. In any event the opposing did calm down as the game wore on and I think that this coach was just having a bad day.

The games were over and everyone needed a shower when we got home. After the shower we decided that we should celebrate my completing parole (or PATROL as my daughter calls it!!) and go out to dinner. P.F. Chang’s just opened up in the area and we decided to head over there dinner but since it just opened up the wait was an hour and a half which was too long so we went with Plan B which was to utilize a gift certificate. We hadn’t been to this particular restaurant before so it was some place different for us. It wasn’t what we expected but the price was right and the fact that the four us were having dinner together celebrating the passage of the last 13 months. It certainly didn’t matter how the food tasted since the dinner was “edible” (my wife’s words) and it was a great evening being a family altogether.

This morning was the usual Sunday morning fare of the CBS Sunday Morning show followed by my now “famous” protein pancakes. Instead of just hanging out at home I decided to take the children to a nearby ball field and practice their softball and baseball skills. This was a wonderful way to spend a sunny Sunday afternoon. I must admit lately it has been increasingly more difficult to maintain “consistency” with my son. We would do an activity he suggested a few minutes later if things weren’t going his way he would either stop participating or just complain. I had to speak with him about this attitude and hopefully made some headway. My daughter on the other hand was just happy practicing her pitching and hitting and did participate in my son’s suggested games.

We spent a long time at the ball field and gave my wife some much needed “alone” time as Sunday’s are the day to catch up. Sunday’s do come so quickly and pass so quickly but this is where “enjoying” the journey comes in to play. I am certainly enjoying every moment of this journey and what started out as the “unknown” over four years ago has transferred into the “known” of enjoying these moments as the happen one day at a time. I didn’t know what 12 step program was over 4 years ago but now this is how I have shaped my life; my life it is all about doing the right things each and every day. I have detailed how blessed and fortunate I am and this has always been the case but prior to recovery I never gave it thought. Now in recovery this is how I live my life cherishing these blessings and moments. It is an incredible journey and continues to get even more incredible as the days pass.

"Boys" Night Out

Last night was a divided “girls” and “boys” night out. My wife and daughter were off to some sort of home “demonstration” at a friend’s house while my son and I had a father/son “date” night. We were off to a movie followed by dinner. We went to see the kid friendly “Escape to Witch Mountain” which wasn’t too bad. It is rated PG but it seems the rating system doesn’t factor in the excessive violence. I guess excessive violence is all too common so it isn’t so excessive in the ratings guide! In any event my son did enjoy the movie and it appears he is moving on to “regular” types of movies as opposed to the requisite “cartoon” of the years gone by. I think this was the first movie where my son didn’t sit on my lap during the scary parts and in fact he didn’t sit on my lap at all. He is getting older and yes, he is growing up.

I gave my son a choice after the movie of going out for frozen yogurt or going to dinner. He chose dinner at the very nearby California Pizza Kitchen. I thought he would have ordered a pizza but my son was the non-conformist and ordered his favorite of macaroni and cheese. After the Mac and cheese he ordered a brownie sundae which he promptly ate all of the ice cream while leaving the brownie behind. As he completed eating the ice cream he promptly started to complain that his belly was full.

This isn’t the first time nor do I believe this will be the last time of this complaint because it is a somewhat regular occurrence. I did point out that he needed to realize how he felt after eating all that food prior to eating more than he needed but this comes with age. I can’t help remember my father telling me during my first “fall from grace” of my compulsive gambling about how I felt but I promptly forgot and I was much older than my son. Yes, maturity does take a long time in some people such as me and hopefully my son won’t have to learn the “hard way”. We had a very good time just us “boys” and yes, I am so blessed with such a wonderful family.

This morning I was up early to get my run in before the day’s events on the baseball/softball fields. I decided to test myself this morning on how fast I can run a half marathon (13.1 miles). I wanted to run in a local half marathon this weekend but with the hectic schedule along with the cost I opted for my own version of a half marathon. Yes, I ran the 13.1 miles on the treadmill at the gym but it was the fastest I have ever run that distance. I cut almost 8 minutes off my fastest time and I was feeling really good this morning. I do like the half marathon distance and would like to focus more on this distance as opposed to the longer marathon distance. I was very surprised how fast I ran this morning and if I could just run this fast for the marathon I would have no problem qualifying for the Boston Marathon. Yes, my issue is with those last three miles but I am feeling confident especially knowing how well I ran this morning.

My run was done and it was off to the baseball diamond for my son’s game that was first today. My son’s team had been sleep walking for the past two games but today the later start seemed to help. Their bats were alive and the other team didn’t have a chance as my son’s team was victorious 8-2. My son spoiled his streak of going 1 for 2 in all of his game as he went 1 for 3 striking out twice. In his defense his last strike out was a horrible call by the umpire as the ball nearly hit my son and he was a bit taken a back when the umpire announced; “Strike three!” My son wanted me to argue the call but I told him that no good could come of that and sometimes even the umpire makes a mistake and he seemed to brush it off.

As my son’s game ended the entire family was off to my daughter’s game. The games were evenly spaced out today so we could attend both of our children’s game. My daughter’s team hadn’t won a game all season until today. They were finally victorious 11-10 in a nail biter as my daughter was the winning pitcher. She pitched very well in the two innings she appeared and made a great play when she was at shortstop. She walked in both of her at bats scoring twice. She almost made another spectacular play because she didn’t trust her teammate as she tried to tag the runner coming home from third base but arrived at home plate a millisecond too late. All in all it was a good game and I could see the relief on all of the coaches faces as the winning run was scored. I even felt a bit relieved knowing my daughter’s team wouldn’t go winless this season. It was a great day on the diamonds as both of our children’s teams were victorious.

That Old "March Madness"

I have made it a point to post a blog daily even though lately those blogs have been written a few days after. Lately with my new positions and everything else that happens in daily life it has gotten increasingly difficult to make the time necessary for the postings. This (the blog) is a large part of my recovery and something I enjoying doing it but it has become apparent that posting daily may not happen on a consistent basis. Instead of going back to those days that I have missed I am only going to report on “interesting” (at least they are interesting to me!) events because let’s face it getting up, going to the gym, going to work, coming home or attending a Gamblers Anonymous meeting or attending my children’s sport activities are the events in my life and there really isn’t anything much outside of those events.

These are very important events to me because I missed two years of my family’s events and now having been given a second chance by so many people and have been afforded this second chance through recovery I am making the very best of each day. Just because I don’t post on a given day doesn’t mean I wasn’t grateful for that day since I continue to learn to be grateful appreciative and blessed for everything in my life. I have decided to write when I make the time and just like Gamblers Anonymous it is up to me to make that commitment and honor that commitment. If I don’t have GA and recovery in my life I will go back to my old ways and those ways just didn’t work out very well. I don’t want to go back to those old ways because I love the new ways of living one day at a time.

I would be remiss to not mention an event that happens annually and for so many years was something I thought I enjoyed tremendously. This event is the NCAA Men’s College Basketball Tournament or more commonly referred to as “March Madness”. I can remember those days early on in my career where I would take off work just to watch 12 plus hours of college basketball and would most likely have placed a wager on all of those games that transpired in the early rounds of the tournament. Not only would have I wagered on the games but I would have thrown an entry or 10(!) into the various pools as the “brackets” have been placed in just about any office across the country.

I had a very big wake-up call four years ago and four years ago when the NCAA tournament started I was sitting in the county jail prior to being very fortunate to make bail on my case. I didn’t want anything to do with that tournament and subsequently in four years I have stayed away from wagering on anything along with filling out a bracket. I realize that there are many people who don’t consider filling out those office sport pools as gambling but according to the definition of gambling as it relates to me in the Gamblers Anonymous program those office sport pools and for that matter a bracket sheet that isn’t in an office sport pool is a road to ruin for me.

This is the first year in four years that I have actually been aware of the tournament and I had to laugh remembering how stupid I was for such a long period of time. I have actually won one of those office pools but that didn’t matter because of the 65 games that transpire during the tournament I am sure I had wagered on at least 80% of them and no matter if I won or lose I always lost in the end. Gambling for me is a losing proposition and now realizing that the next foray would lead to my ultimate lonely death I choose recovery and can only say “No, thank you,” when someone asks me to fill out one of those brackets even if it is for bragging rights. I do realize that no good can come of “innocently” filling out a bracket because inevitably my bad thoughts would re-occur and I would be even in a worse situation. I was very happy to just watch the college basketball game that was on at the gym and thankfully there weren’t any urges that accompanied me watching the game.

This morning was more of the usual as I was at the gym for a 10 mile run which went very well. I had someone come up to me and compliment me on my running while asking how far I had run. My response was “Only 10 miles” and one of the guys who I have spoken with before about running commented with a sarcastic “Gee only 10 miles??” I had to laugh because as I said it I try to downplay the number of miles because to me that really isn’t much of run but to many other people it is quite an accomplishment. It was just another day for me in the many days leading up to the marathon at the end of next week which I explained to this very nice person who was speaking with me. I am very fortunate (actually beyond fortunate) to be able to run and enjoy what I am doing; hopefully this shows.

As usual after the gym it was on to the office where lately getting things accomplishment is getting increasingly difficult. I have taken on new duties and these duties seem to take up a bulk of my time but I do need to do a better job of prioritizing. I did make a mistake this week and thankfully I have bosses who do understand. I have to get used to the idea that I am being given a great deal of latitude along with responsibility. I have had positions in the past but as I re-enter the workforce I have been a bit “cautious” always deferring to those that make the decisions. Apparently I am now once again one of those who can make those decisions so it is an adjustment that I will get through rather quickly. For now I will make mistakes but hopefully those mistakes will be minimized as the weeks pass.

Second "Game of the Week"

Since yesterday was the third Monday of the month (oh my goodness it really is hard to believe that March is halfway over already) I didn’t have the Monday Gamblers Anonymous Speakers meeting to attend. This allowed me to watch the entirety of my daughter’s game and even though they lost again it was an entertaining time. My daughter is very involved as the pitcher and she has evolved into her team’s top pitcher. This can be attributed to her hard work and determination along with the fact that her team is still learning how to play the game. Nonetheless since my daughter is pitching I find myself cheering more and more for her and subsequently for her team. It was interesting hearing my daughter’s teammates talk at the end of the game. Some of her teammates were keenly aware that the team had yet to win a game while others could have cared less. One teammate had no idea what the record of 0 and 7 meant which could be a very good thing! In any event these are girls from 8 to 11 years old and as long as they are having fun nothing else matters.

Prior to Saturday’s game I dropped my daughter off on the way to my son’s religious service. I stayed at the field for a few minutes watching my daughter warm-up and as I stayed I struck up a brief conversation with some of my daughter’s softball coaches. The conversation was about playing softball and having fun. The point I tried to make was the fact of having the girls learn the game and in return hoped that they were having fun. I retold the story of how my daughter said to me without any prompting that she wanted to play softball exclusively all the way through high school. The coaches thought this was very good and one coach had a slightly different take on having “fun” while playing softball.

This coach has put a great deal of time and effort into teaching his daughter’s how to play softball. The girls see a hitting coach, pitching coach and have daily practice. This particular coach has even turned their backyard into batting cage complete with pitching machine and fencing. The goal of the coach was to get his daughter’s into college on a softball scholarship. I didn’t have much to say because I am a big believer of having my children enjoy what their activities and I would never force them into doing something they didn’t want to do. I didn’t get the impression that there was much of a choice for the daughters and I basically remained silent. The part I just didn’t understand was the fact that this coach is so good with the girls but so serious with their own daughter.

My day started with the usual trip to the gym. After taking the last two days off I was more than ready to get back. I had a good workout and this week is a “recovery” week in the marathon training program. These are the weeks I really need to take it easy because it does help towards the end of the program with being fresh. I do have a tendency of overdoing it even during these easy weeks but I am doing my best to adhere to the program. Things are progressing well and I realize that the marathon will be here before I know and it will come down to those last few miles but I will as always take it one stride at a time.

The work day was the usual of not knowing what to expect and that is what happened. I have been in my new position for over a month now and I really haven’t done the things I would have liked to do. It seems I take one step forward and three steps back. I am covering a great deal of ground and hopefully as things progress I will be able to accomplish the goals I continue to set for myself. This is a fascinating organization and I do bring some “expertise” to the table and I just need to facilitate what I have learned in the past few years into my position. I do believe everything will continue to work out for the best.

It was my son’s turn for his “game of the week”. The baseball field is a two minute drive from my office which does work out very well. My son’s team has hit a bump in the road over the past few games. I may have overestimated the team because their bats have been asleep. My son’s bat wasn’t asleep in the first inning as he lined a double to left centerfield. This was the hardest ball I have ever seen hit. Unfortunately he got thrown out at third while trying to steal as he started his slide a little too early. He was the catcher for most of the game and the head coach really likes his catching ability. My son only got up one more time and he struck out looking on what could have been a questioned call by the umpire. My son wasn’t too happy with the called third strike and said something to me about the “stupid” umpire which I quickly corrected and did my best to set him straight. The final score had my son’s team on the losing end of the stick but it was great being at the game and that concluded the second game of the week.

A "Normal" Meeting

It has been awhile since I have been able to attend a “normal” Sunday Gamblers Anonymous meeting. Last week was the wonderful birthday celebrations and the weeks prior to that I was away and there were the other wonderful birthday celebrations. Last night was a regular Sunday meeting and much to my surprise there were more people in attendance than usual. This is a good sign because it is great to see people participating in such a wonderful program. The meeting was very good and it was great having the sharing that is associated with a “normal” meeting. As always I felt better (it wasn’t as if I felt bad) after the meeting because it is so powerful. I am grateful for this program and grateful for all the people associated.

We have some big “goings on” in our little group in the upcoming months. A very dear friend of mine will be celebrating five years in the program which is a wonderful accomplishment. There are a few other birthday celebrations and we are even having what is labeled “mini-conference” in June. I got a glimpse of the agenda and I will be presenting with this same friend who is soon to be celebrating five years in the program. Our topic is “recovery” which could be a broad topic but it is really what continues to save my life each and every day. I’m not sure what we will talk about for the hour we are presenting but I know it will be great. There are other great workshops and knowing our little group there won’t be anything “mini” about this conference!!

The weekend had ended and yes, these weeks, months and years are rolling along. Wow this morning marked a Monday and the start of the work week. I went to sleep much too late last night and when my usual time came to get out of bed I didn’t have the energy to get myself out of bed and to the gym. I decided to take the day off and instead of taking a day off at the end of the week I used today to get a few more hours of sleep. I do still feel guilty when I miss a scheduled day of working out and I often second guess myself on these days off but I soon got over it as I up with the rest of the family. My son made his entry and all was good with the world.

The early morning went well and yes, I found myself at the office for another “fun filled” week. There really isn’t a dull moment at work and it is a fascinating place. Most of my career I have worked for very large companies and my current position is for a much smaller company but it is probably the most “exciting” place I have ever worked. This can be attributed to my bosses who give new meaning to the word entrepreneur. These are two very intelligent and motivated people who have very good senses of humor. Couple this with the fact that they are “insane” but in a good way makes for a very fascinating day. Today was one of those days and before I knew it the day had come to an end.

As the day ended I was off to my daughter’s softball game. My daughter’s team did get off to a tough start but my daughter came into to pitch as a relief pitcher. She is getting very good but unfortunately anytime one of the opposing batters makes contact with the ball they are pretty much guaranteed first base. My daughter did make two unassisted plays while she was pitching and I think she was afraid to throw the ball to her teammates for fear of them dropping the ball. The game didn’t go so well for my daughter’s team as they lost their seventh (out of seven) game of the season. My daughter did reach base twice walking each time and scoring both of these times but it wasn’t enough. Yes, this will be a long season but my daughter is getting better with each game and in spite of not really being fond of her team she is managing very well.

"Good Guy" is my Son

There was a rare three hour period last night that my wife and I were actually alone. My son was off to a birthday party which isn’t very unusual but the fact that the birthday party was for classmate who is a girl made it somewhat unusual. Yes, my son was invited to a birthday party for a “girl” which I found very cool. In fact only two boys were invited to the birthday and yes, my son was one of them along with his friend. My wife was told when she dropped my son off at the party that two boys who were invited are good “buddies” with the girls that were invited. I’m not sure why I found this so fascinating but I did and I did like the fact that my son is friends with a girl. This does tell me that my son is one of the “good guys” in class and hopefully he can maintain this moniker through the years.

My daughter was invited to yet another sleep over at a friend’s house. My daughter has made so many friends this year and this is very exciting especially knowing the fact that they just moved back at the beginning of the school year. My daughter did have a base of friends having gone to the same school from Kindergarten to the second grade. She made friends while she attended school in New Jersey and now she is expanding her friend base with people she didn’t know prior to moving to New Jersey. I do believe everything is working out extraordinary well in every facet of our lives.

Since both of our children were away my wife and I had some alone time; we took the time to just relax. No, we didn’t run off to dinner or go to the movies because we both had enough of running around and staying home was the perfect prescription. We even watched a movie; “The Pursuit of Happyness”. I had read this book while I was “away” and I found it very inspirational. I think I read something like 200 books while I was “away” and there are some books that I just can’t remember but I remembered this particular book very well since it was very inspirational. It is about a man who basically sacrifices everything for his son and has to live in a shelter, bathroom and all places in between while he was pursuing a dream. Ultimately this dream did pay off and I do believe it was all in his attitude.

The movie was good but like most times the book was better. In the book I had a better sense for what the main character was thinking and I saw more of the positive attitude in the book than in the movie. The movie was very emotional and I caught my eyes welling up at certain points as did my wife. The story is true which makes it more inspiring to know that these things do happen and yes, attitude does count. There is a saying that “attitude is everything” and yes, it does help. I do my best to maintain a positive attitude and I can say from experience it really does make a world of difference!!

The evening was very nice and we picked my son up from his party and took him to the yogurt store where we had taken my daughter a few weeks ago (in her pajamas). No, we didn’t take him in his pajamas although I doubt he would have had a problem with this. I did feel it was fair to him since we took his sister when he was at a sleepover so the score was even. The rest of the evening was just the three of us and yes, another Saturday was in the books.

Sunday morning came early with the usual showing of the CBS Sunday Morning Program and yes, my son did make his normal entry into our room. It was a very relaxing morning which is a far cry from the other six days during the week. My wife had to pick up my daughter early this morning from her sleepover and afterwards she did pick up some bagels for our breakfast. We were a family this morning and just hanging out with them was all I needed. Life is wonderful and it was a wonderful morning. As the afternoon approached I went over a good friend’s house to assist this friend with a longstanding project. This could be labeled the “irony” project because of the content but nonetheless I assisted and my compensation is a free lunch every couple of weeks. My friend asked me why I was being so nice and my response was “you are my friend and this is what friends do”. I know what friends do because I have received so much support and assistance. When I have the opportunity to give back I am more than willing and able. I was very happy to help and all went very well.

Religion, Rounding the Bases and Running

On Thursday my son had asked if we could go out to our friends’ restaurant and instead of taking the pizza home that we could actually stay at the restaurant and eat. I thought this was a very good idea and last night we went as a family plus another good friend had joined us. I thought we would all get our requisite “free” pizza but this wasn’t the case. My son was in the mood for pasta, my daughter was in the mood for ravioli and my wife was in the mood for one of the daily specials. I did opt for the free pizza but our normally inexpensive venture to our dear friends’ restaurant was much more expensive than I certainly anticipated. I was happy to be with my family and our friend last night so the cost wasn’t that big of a deal. I do find it a bit hard to fathom how the restaurant was busy for the evening in this economy and I am starting to realize that there are certain sectors in this economy that very well may remain busy throughout this recession.

Dinner was very good and also took much longer than I thought it would. We were there for close to two hours talking and finally it was time to go home for the evening. Today would be the regular day on the “diamond” with softball and baseball games so we all needed a good night’s rest. I have joined a gym that is open 24 hours and one of the reasons I joined the gym was for the weekends so I could get in a workout before the day’s activities commenced. I had good intentions but I didn’t get to sleep until much later than usual and I was scheduled for a 20 mile run which meant I had to get up very early in order to be back home to start the day with my family.

The wee hour was upon me and I just couldn’t drag myself out of bed. I had a backup knowing the day’s events would be over around early afternoon and with nothing scheduled later on in the day I could actually get my 20 mile run in at that time. I opted for the backup plan since I did need the rest but was still up early to get my daughter off to her softball game. She had a doubleheader (two consecutive softball games) this morning and it was the early morning variety. My son did have a game as well but his game was cancelled (for him that is) because he was celebrating one of the sacraments in the Catholic religion. He was making his sacrament of reconciliation (confession in lay terms) this morning which coincided with his baseball game. This did take priority and my wife and I did attend minus my daughter who was at her softball game.

Thankfully my wife had some “inside” information regarding the reconciliation because had she not had this information it would have been a long morning. My wife was suggested that she arrive early and sit in the first row because those who arrive early get to leave early while those who arrive late leave much later. I took my daughter to her softball game and met my wife and son at the church where they did arrive early and did sit in the front row. The ceremony was a few minutes late upon starting but the advice my wife was given was perfect. We were indeed the first one called on and subsequently the first one to depart the services. If the ceremony had started on time my son could have made his baseball game only being a few minutes late but we didn’t prepare for that anyhow. I did feel bad for those who arrived later because based on the size of the audience getting through everyone would take a few hours. Instead of a few hours we were done in a matter of minutes and headed off to my daughter’s softball game.

I’m not sure if it is fair to say that the “Bad News Bears” don’t have anything on my daughter’s softball team. They have played four games up until today and have lost all four games and judging by the quality of their two opponents today they would be 0 for 6 by the end of the day. Yes, they did lose both games but my daughter pitched well in both of the games. She is coming into her own and we had a little one on one session with a private pitching coach last night who complimented my daughter on being fundamentally sound. She does need practice and with seeing the pitching coach she will get the direction she does crave. My daughter is excited about playing softball but I can see her team in wearing on her but no matter she is improving with every game and reached base each time she came up to bat today. She is a little competitor and I know she wants to win but as long as she is doing well and improving her mood is wonderful. In spite of losing both games she had a big smile on her face after pitching very well.

The children’s activities had ended and I was able to fit in the 20 mile run. I would like to say that the 20 mile run was easy but that just wasn’t the case. I think it was easier than some previous 20 mile runs but I could feel myself fading as I entered that last mile. I was able to do the last 10 miles faster than the first 10 miles and this is one of the changes I have made in my training program. I was feeling very good through the run but that last mile which does translate to those last 6 miles in the marathon. I just need to hold on to a slighter slower pace and I will accomplish that 3:20 minute time goal in order to qualify for the Boston Marathon. I have another 6 weeks to go before the next marathon and I do hope this will be the one but I have a few more training runs and whatever will happen will happen. Yes, this will be great but today being with my family is greater and this is what matters most.

Second Trimester Honor Roll

This morning I did take off from working out. I modified my training program this week so I could have off this morning. I haven’t been such a “stickler” this time with my training program as I have in the three previous training sessions. I do stick with the allotted mileage per week but I am adjusting the number of days I run. Since I had my long run on the past two Sundays I have needed an additional day off during the week. I have taken this on those two preceding Mondays and as I added mileage to the days in between I allowed myself to take off this morning. I do get more from less and my “old bones” seem to work better with more time off during the week. I do believe that in my last training session I trained too hard and that led to my complete fade at the end of the Arizona Rock n’ Roll marathon. I am hoping for a better result at the end of next month and as always I don’t know what will happen but I am very grateful for the opportunity.

There was another reason I took off from working out this morning and that was to be with my family as everyone got ready for their day. My wife started her new job last week and went from working only two days a week to working all five days a week. This is certainly a blessing and we are so grateful especially knowing that there are so many people out of work. It may have taken longer than either one of us would have expected but it does seem like this new position was well worth the wait. I can tell by my wife’s demeanor that she is enjoying her new job. Yes, having the job does add to my wife’s increasing workload especially with all the children’s activities but her schedule is very conducive to still be involved with these activities. My wife is able to get the children to school in the morning and be home with them in the afternoon. We certainly couldn’t have asked for a better schedule.

Besides being home this morning there was a special event at my children’s school. The second trimester had concluded and earlier this week we were notified that our daughter had once again made the first honor roll or as it is named made the “Gold Honor Roll”. This meant our daughter earned straight A’s and this has been her “M.O.” during her scholastic career. She does work very hard to earn these grades and she is very excited to earn the award. I have been blessed with two wonderful children and I don’t believe I put pressure on either one of my children to earn good grades rather I hope they do their best. My daughter is certainly doing her best and the “jury is still out” on her younger brother. He is in the second grade and there aren’t any letter grades given and subsequently there isn’t any honor rolls.

My son is very smart but he gets sidetracked easily and prefers the “easy way out”. This does sound very familiar to my scholastic career. I never really tried that hard but seemed to get by and that “program” seemed to work well in the short run. I don’t want to put undue pressure on my son but I can see where this is all heading. His work is inconsistent and does prefer to seek assistance rather than to do the homework by himself. I haven’t been the best “tutor” because there are some days where I do more harm than good by supplying him the answers. He could be getting used to this and for some reason I give in to him more than I ever gave in to my daughter. I do hate teaching him the “hard way” but at some point I do hope he learns.

In any event my wife and I were headed over to the school for the honor ceremony. This was specifically for the fifth grade and there were many honor roll recipients. My daughter received her certificate with her bright beautiful smile and I got some very good pictures to chronicle the event. It is truly amazing after all that I have put my family through that her is my daughter the same wonderful intelligent person she has always been and yes, my son is still the same sweet happy little boy he has always been. I am so fortunate to be able to experience these moments and I do finally realize that these are the moments that life is all about. It isn’t about the fancy house, car, clothes and all those insignificant material possessions. It is all about family and my family is incredible.

Still Embarrassed

Earlier this week I was made aware that some “new” people have discovered this blog. There really aren’t many people who read this blog on a daily basis as the “Stat Tracker” has about 20 people per day. I do know most of these people and there are others that come in on a random search. These new readers are people I work with and when I was told that they were reading my blog I was a bit embarrassed. I wasn’t sure if embarrassed was the correct word but I think this is what I was feeling. I started this blog nearly four years ago as I chronicle my life in recovery.

This blog caused me some “uncertain” times as I served my sentence but somehow I managed to continue writing it even as I served my sentence. I am not sure why my first reaction was that of embarrassment because I really have nothing to be an embarrassed about. Well that might not be correct if I consider my entire situation since my fall from grace was very embarrassing for not only me but my immediate family.

I have moved past this embarrassment and sense of regret but when I heard that people I work with were going through this blog I some of those thoughts came back. Also during the birthday celebration on Sunday many people did mention this blog and I did feel uncomfortable. Once again I am not sure why I felt this way on Sunday but I did. I guess I have a long way to go to really feel comfortable about the entire situation. Maybe my lack of feeling comfortable could be construed as positive but for now it is what it is and I am sure these feeling will continue.

This week is moving along at a rapid clip as all the weeks seem to moving on. I wouldn’t be completely truthful if I didn’t mention the fact that at the end of this month (27th to be exact) my parole period will end. I have kept one eye on that date and do want it here. I know it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but there are certain events that happen on this date such as having my constitutional rights restored; yes, I will be able to vote and I will be eligible for jury duty. As an aside I have served on two juries over the years; one in New Jersey and the other out here in California. Yes, I was paneled as a juror and the trial out here I was somehow elected the jury foreman. Both of the cases were civil and it was very interesting to be a part of the process. No, my particular case never made it to a jury trial because I did confess at the inception. I don’t know if any right minded attorney would have me on a jury knowing my criminal background but having those rights restored is a big deal to me especially the voting rights.

The other big issue not having to get permission anytime I leave the county. Today I made plans to travel to New Jersey in June with my family as we will be celebrating my brother-in-laws new baby’s Christening. It was nice to know that I didn’t have to seek permission and really the last two trips I made out of the state weren’t any big deal but the fact that I don’t have to ask permission is a big step in the right direction.

All of this started over four years ago and yes, I brought all of this on myself but having it come to an end does make a difference. However; the one thing that doesn’t change is my recovery. I had a member of GA ask me a few months ago if I were still going to come to meetings when my parole expired and my answer without any hesitation was an emphatic “YES!” My parole and a large part of paying my debt to society conclude at the end of this month but my recovery continues one day at a time for a lifetime. Without recovery in my life those past mistakes will come back and I don’t want to ever go back to that despair.

This afternoon was my son’s turn for his baseball game and yes, after a very busy day in the office I made the very short drive to the baseball fields. My son’s team is having a hard time hitting the ball and they do seem very different from the first time I watched. I don’t know what has happened but they seem to be in a funk. My son was also mired in this funk as he struck out in his first at bat. He did snap out of it and continued of his streak of striking out in his first at bat which is followed by a base hit. He had this base hit in his second at bat and scored his team’s first run. The final score had my son’s team on the losing side of the ledger 3-2. These kids care even less about the final score than my daughter’s softball team. The only thing on their mind at the end of the game was what was in the snack bag. The snack bag is a big hit at the end of each game and it does seem some of the kids have more energy lining up for the snack bag than they do during the game. In any event it was great being on the sidelines during the game and life is wonderful.

My "Wants" and "Needs" of the Program

Monday evening continued after the softball ended as I headed directly to the Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s meeting. I am very grateful I agreed to Secretary this meeting because had I not been the Secretary I doubt very much that I would have went directly from my daughter’s softball game to the meeting. A dear friend made a comment to me that I might be spreading myself “thin” with all of the children’s activities, work and Gamblers Anonymous. I don’t know about spreading myself thin but I can say that this is the time I need and want Gamblers Anonymous in my life. It was relatively easy to attend meetings when I wasn’t working on a full time and basis and waiting for my sentencing. I went to many meetings and did receive a great foundation while I spent those 19 ½ months “away”.

I have always believed that my biggest “obstacle” would occur when things in my life were going well. It is clear this has been my “M.O.” over the years. I first got myself into trouble when I was 18 years old and got out of that situation thanks to my family but didn’t seek any type of long lasting recovery. Yes, I abstained from gambling for a number of years but when things were going very well in my life I found myself right back into that same situation. Once again when I was 28 years old I got “bailed” out from my gambling debts by claiming bankruptcy. This second time was no “charm” as I did abstain from gambling for a few years but once again when things were going very well in my life I found myself faced with even worst problems.

I had (thankfully I still have!) a great family and with the births of my daughter and then my son I had all I would ever need but this wasn’t enough. I started gambling without the thought of the consequences what it would do to my family and certainly me because I had no recovery. I had that “great” job I aspired to and things on the exterior were very good; however; on the interior I was lying, cheating and stealing. Thankfully on that third and hopefully (God I sure hope so!) my last foray into the undesirable I found Gamblers Anonymous and my life continues to be saved each and every day. This is exactly why I need to spread myself “thin” and attend meetings along with staying connected to the program. It would be so easy to say I went to a meeting on Sunday so I don’t have to go to another meeting this week but since I am the Secretary I have accountability and responsibility to the group and more importantly myself.

These are key ingredients in my recovery; accountability and responsibility because let’s face it I was not accountable nor was I responsible when I was lying, cheating and stealing to those people that I love. Things are going amazingly well in my life and I do believe everything continues to happen for a reason. I am beyond grateful that my wife decided to come back from New Jersey so we all could live together as a family. My wife is doing amazingly well with her new job having gone from working two days a week to working all five days. Her hours are the same so she can be home when the children get home from school and having the income is certainly a welcomed relief.

I do remember my father telling me that I needed to get out of this area because this is where all the bad things happened and my name is tarnished. When my father told me this a few years ago I had my standard internal response of “I’ll show you” but it isn’t about “showing” anybody; it is about doing the right things. I am blessed with an incredible network of friends all thanks to recovery because without this recovery that network doesn’t exist. I have no idea how all the good things that have happened in the past year would have happened in another location and I am not the “pariah” that could have very well have happened. I am so happy to be in such a loving supportive area and without this love and support who knows what would have happened.

The speaker’s meeting on Monday evening was indeed wonderful as the speaker who is yet another dear friend in the program spoke. I have heard this story many times before but each time it seems more compelling. Compulsive gambling is a baffling insidious disease and when the outcomes are prison, insanity or death (in some cases all three) it does point out that a program of recovery is necessary. I am honored to have found this program as it continues to save my life each and every day.

Softball Game Evening

I departed the office earlier than usual but really I am not sure what “usual” would be!! There are days where I have “typical” office hours and days where I have “atypical” hours. I do have flexibility in my position and the people I work for understand there is life outside of the office. There is no need to set “boundaries” with my bosses and as long as I am doing what I am supposed to be doing along with adding some type of “value” to the company I can depart the office when the need arises. The need arose last night as my daughter had a softball game. The weeks have entered the “rhythm” stage where both my son and daughter have one game and one practice during the week and the weekend there are games as well for them. The days during the week vary and it seems the premiere days are Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays for the games and practices.

Last night posed a bit of a challenge because along with my daughter having a softball game I also had the Monday evening Gamblers Anonymous speaker’s meeting. This meeting meets every other second and fourth Monday of the month and when there is a fifth Monday. Thankfully last night was the only time where the two schedules conflicted. My daughter does have another game (next week) on a Monday but that is not a scheduled Speaker’s meeting.

I departed the office and headed over to my daughter’s game where she was the starting pitcher. As I have chronicled before her team isn’t having the best season but daughter is starting to shine. She is coming into her own as a pitcher and is clearly the leader on the team. It does help that she is the one of the oldest players on the team and the fact that this is her fourth season playing softball. It was so cool driving up to the field and seeing my daughter making her warm-up pitches on the mound as the game was about to commence. She gave me one of her big beautiful smiles as I approached the field and it was clear to me she was enjoying herself.

My daughter did pitch well but since she isn’t the fastest pitcher in the league in terms of ball speed the hitters do hit the ball. Also; there are no such things as “routine” outs at this level and every hit ball is an adventure along with every non-hit ball. In the Major Leagues a player is doing very well if they make 7 outs in 10 at bats but in this league if a player hits the ball the chances of that player making it to first base is at least 9 out of 10. Additionally; coupled with the fact that the girls are allowed to steal bases a runner who makes it to first is virtually guaranteed to make it to third base on the ensuing pitches. It does make for a long inning but thankfully there are rules that prohibit the score from getting out of hand. The team who is leading is only allowed to score four runs in an inning and if a team is trailing that team is only allowed to take the lead by four runs. Most times the four runs come before the requisite three outs and yes, my daughter did give up the four runs.

I did notice a big advancement in my daughter’s pitching ability and her confidence is starting to show. Last season she was a wreck when one of her coaches took her out of the game in the middle of an inning but this season she has much more determination. This determination can cut both ways because she is her own worst critic. My wife and I don’t have to put on any pressure on our daughter because she has that covered herself!

Yes, she is determined to do well but when things don’t go so well she does have a tendency to get down on herself. This is getting a little better this season and I really do believe that by the end of the season she is going to be a very good pitcher. My daughter does have the hitting down and her slow start at the plate has heated up. She reached base in both of her plate appearances and scored two runs. She is more comfortable batting and is quite the hitter in spite of her limited size. It is apparent that my daughter is most likely going to be petite her whole life but at some point she will hit that growth spurt so it will be interesting to see how this equates to her already strong batting.

My daughter’s team did lose the game and the score escapes me. Her team will certainly lose more games than they win and they are still searching for that first victory. There are so many girls on her team that haven’t played softball before this season and many of these girls need so much more practice and instruction. She does have good coaches who do care about teaching the game and I think that learning the game along with having fun is essential for the girls to continue playing softball. My daughter is learning and is having fun. I also believe that winning and losing is superfluous to the girls and is more of a concern to the coaches and some parents. These are 8, 9, 10, and 11 year old girls who really could care less about the outcome but I guess at some point this all changes. They are learning and hopefully by the end of the year the learning will pay off for the girls.

Take it "One Day at a Time"

It really is hard to imagine that the last time my entire family was with me at a “birthday” celebration was 3 years ago. I had the honor and privilege of celebrating that first birthday with three other members. Now three years later I had the same honor and privilege of celebrating my fourth year in the GA Program with two members and one of those members was at that first celebration. I am a bit saddened that the two other members are no longer associated with the GA program and I can only hope that they did not go back to the insanity. I do often think about those former members because they were very good members prior to me going away and they were in the courtroom that faithful day when I was sentenced. However; I have only seen one of them once since I have been back in the free world and once again I do hope that some of the wonderment inside the program stays with both of them. I do know I need and want the GA Program as it continues to save my life.

The celebration was wonderful and I did get inkling as to what it takes to really embrace recovery. There were several members who came from a great distance to help in the celebrations. It was no coincidence that these members have many years in the program. When I first entered the program I spoke with many members with a number of years in recovery and I really wanted what they had. The overwhelming response I got was to take it “one day at a time” and life will get better. They were certainly correct as life does get better and when a member told me when I first entered the program that I would “never have to feel that way again” as long as I apply the principles of the program in my daily affairs. This member was correct and thankfully four years removed from that very faithful day I don’t have to feel that way again. Living a life with honesty, open-mindedness and the willingness to do the right thing is the only way to live, thank you so very much for opening my eyes to the right way to live.

With the celebration over we returned home. My wife did mention that there was only one thing missing from the celebration and that was my sponsor. My sponsor has been an integral part of my recovery and pioneer in our little GA group having grown the fellowship over the years. My sponsor no longer resides in the area and is doing his great things in Colorado. He along with another dear friend in the program are growing that area incredibly. I will always remember the emphatic look on my sponsor’s face when I entered that room for the first time. My sponsor shared a similar path and I saw firsthand that there was another side and through the program life does indeed get better. I am so blessed and grateful for my sponsor and for the fellowship. I did miss the fact that my sponsor wasn’t in attendance but I knew that my sponsor was right there next to me spiritually and this is always the case.

This morning I decided to take the day off especially after having run 18 miles yesterday. I wanted to alter my running program this week and I am going with the less is more theory. I do need two days off per week from running and having done my long run on Sunday instead of Saturday I needed to devise a better plan of attack. There is a certain number of miles I would like to run each week and I will accomplish taking today off. It was good sleeping a bit later than normal and seeing the family awake as I left the house.

I headed off to work to start the work week. I have to admit this is probably one of the more if not the most interesting position I have ever held. There is truly never a dull moment and to say that I am fortunate to be in this position at this particular point in my life would be a huge understatement. I have worked for multi-national corporations most of my career and in the past year I have gotten a flavor for building a business. Of course my first foray was a lesson in what “not” to do but this current edition is something very different. These are very good intelligent people who maybe a bit ADD but the objective is clear which is to build something very profitable. Hopefully I can add some value to the company and help in any way I can. I do enjoy what I am doing and coming into the office each day does make me feel great. It has been one year since I came back to the free world and I am loving each and every day as I attempt to my best one day at a time.

Four Year Celebrations

Last night it was just my wife, daughter and me. My son had a sleepover birthday party he was attending. We had promised our daughter that we would get frozen yogurt tonight just the three of us. When we got home from the softball game my daughter had taken a shower and put on her pajamas having forgotten about going out for the frozen yogurt. When the time came to go out she didn’t want to get change so we convinced her to go out in her pajamas. To say that we “convinced” her would be a stretch since we had to basically drag her out of the house. Normally we would have just taken her order and brought back the frozen yogurt. However; this particular yogurt store was self serve and the whole concept is to make your own frozen yogurt sundae. Since our daughter didn’t want to get changed from her pajamas we took her in her pajamas to the nearby store.

She was very funny as she was very concerned with the fact of seeing someone she knew while being out in the public wearing her pajamas. I guess there is a great deal of self consciousness in an 11 year old and my daughter was exuding this last night to a point where my wife and I were laughing so hard. As we drove to the yogurt store I would make gestures outside the car to the fact that my daughter was wearing her pajamas and all she kept saying was “Daddy you are so mean!” I may have been mean but it was very funny especially when we pulled up to the store and my daughter didn’t want to get out of the car. She finally acquiesced and went inside but the whole time she was inside she tried to hide behind me. She didn’t see anyone she knew and seemed very relieved when we got back into the car.

As we got back into the car she asked if I was going to write up this episode in my “blog”. Of course without missing a beat I said, “Yes”. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to document this very special scene. She was so concerned with seeing someone she knew she barely took any frozen yogurt in her cup and couldn’t wait to get back into the car. Yes, there was a sigh of relief emanating from the back seat as she entered the car. I did find this very funny and my wife found equally as funny. Thankfully our daughter is a good sport and didn’t take our laughing to heart. We maybe “mean” but it was all in good fun and it was a very fun evening with the three of us. We spent the rest of the evening watching television and just hanging out on the couch. We may have not done much but it was a great evening nonetheless because we were together and that is what matters most.

This morning I had been given the go ahead to work out since I didn’t work out yesterday. Before heading off to the gym I did watch the usual CBS Sunday Morning Program with my wife but much like all the other Sundays my son wasn’t with us. He was at his sleepover and my daughter was still getting her beauty sleep. After watching most of the program I was heading off to the gym for my long run of the week. I broke down earlier this week and joined a new gym since my current membership was about to expire. I did my best to find a reasonable membership and one of the positives of this economy is the fact that good deals do exist. I was able to find a membership actually less expensive than my current membership.

I made my way to the new gym which is open 24 hours a day so I don’t have to worry about the hours on the weekend. Hopefully the hours will remain constant and I won’t be face with what happened at the other gym. I was able to get in an 18 mile run and it felt very good. I did run at least 18 miles last week when I was in Colorado but those 18 miles were very hilly and I did “feel” it after the run. Today I was feeling great at the end of the run and I think having the extra day of rest did help with a much better run. I am on tract for the marathon at the end of April and hopefully I will be able to accomplish my time goal of 3 hours and 20 minutes to qualify for the Boston Marathon.

The work out was over and I made my way home. The children were ensconced in their homework and yes, they had homework on the weekend. My daughter always seems to have homework and is working on yet another project. My son rarely has homework on the weekend but was selected as the “Star Student” and had a poster he needed to turn in. The poster was title “All about Me” and yes, it was all about my son which was very cool. He wants to be a baseball player when he grows up and that certainly makes sense since he has such a proclivity towards anything with a ball! It was a great poster but most of the credit on the poster has to go to my lovely wife. My son did what he thought was necessary and then my wife did what she thought was necessary. It was indeed a masterpiece.

The day did not end when the homework was completed there was one more event left for the weekend. I was celebrating my 4 years in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I had the honor and privilege of celebrating this with two other wonderful members that were also celebrating 4 years in the program. These two members are good friends and one of those members is a very dear friend. Recovery is amazing because 4 years ago I didn’t know either of these 2 people and now they are certainly friends. The celebration was great and having my family with me was such an added bonus.

This would mark the second time my family was by my side as I celebrated a birthday in Gamblers Anonymous. The first time was three years ago as I celebrated my first year. Year two was celebrated at “camp” and last year my family was still in New Jersey. There was a great deal of love in that room today and I had tears in my eyes when I spoke to my family. I am so blessed and so fortunate to have them in my life and I owe them so much. I can’t bring back the time I missed but I can do my best to make the very best of the time we have together. Today was an extra special great time and yes, recovery is incredible!!

The Day on the Ball Fields

The doctor did say that my daughter’s eye should clear up with the eye drops and the doctor was correct. She did have a little crustiness on her eye this morning when she woke up but her eye was clearing up. This was a good sign because I don’t think my daughter could take not being able to play in her softball game this afternoon. In any event all was proceeding nicely and we decided to have her sleep in this morning as there was no need for her to go her brother’s early morning baseball game. She liked the fact that she could sleep in but even I was surprised to see her awake much earlier than anticipated.

I had intended on getting up very early this morning to go for an 18 mile run but after looking at our day’s itinerary I saw that there was a gap between games and I could get this run in later on today. This meant I got to sleep in and enjoy the arrival of our son as he entered our room at his usual time even for the weekend. I have to admit that I enjoy my runs but I like hanging out in a very relaxed setting with my family much more and this morning was awesome. We lingered a little longer than usual but made our way to start the day’s activities. We were out of the house at the early hour headed off to my son’s baseball games. Yes, this is the plan for just about every Saturday over the next few months. Both of our children have games on Saturdays and today were no exception.

We arrived at the ball field and once again I found myself inside the dugout and on the field helping out with my son’s team. It appeared that the early start was affecting my son’s team much more than the other team. The team I witnessed in the game on Thursday didn’t exactly resemble the team that was on the field this morning. It seemed that each boy was sleepwalking and this goes the same for my son. They all seemed out of sorts and this was reflected in the final score as my son’s team lost 6-1. My son once again had one hit in two at bats but did score the only run for his team. He caught basically the entire game and did have glimpses of being awake back there!!

It is interesting how there are some boys on my son’s team who are really good and others who are just learning the game. Hopefully the coaches won’t lose sight of those boys who need extra help and today I was doing my best to help those boys who really didn’t have much experience playing baseball. My wife found this fascinating because I wasn’t the best baseball player in my youth but I informed that being a good baseball player doesn’t necessarily translate into being a good baseball coach. I do understand the concepts needed to play baseball and I am sure I couldn’t exactly execute those concepts when I played baseball but I do know how to communicate those concepts.

I thought I would have time for my run in between games but I didn’t figure in the photo session for my daughter. I had asked my wife if she wanted me to attend the photo session (this is where my daughter had her picture taken with her softball team) and yes, my wife wanted me to come because afterwards we were headed to a sporting goods store to buy the children baseball/softball related equipment and apparently my input was needed. My wife did tell me that it was okay if I went for my run tomorrow even though it was a Sunday. I certainly listen to my wife and off we went to the photo session which took much longer than anticipated. There appeared to be some “technical” difficulties which caused the delay but the photos were taken and off we went to the sporting goods store.

We were able to purchase the much needed equipment (cleats) with gift cards the children received for their birthdays and afterwards we had lunch together. My daughter’s game time was approaching and after some more errands we were headed to her game. This would be the first time I would see my daughter in an official game for this spring season since I missed the first game when I was in Colorado and her second game conflicted with my son’s game on Thursday. My daughter did extremely well and it appears she is the star of her team. She got a single in her first at bat that drove in two run and she scored in both of her plate appearances. She did get the opportunity to pitch but entered the game in a virtual impossible situation.

The score was tied and the time limit had been reach so either my daughter’s team was able to record three outs without the other team scoring to earn the tie or if the other team did score they would win the game. I say this was a virtual impossible situation because getting three outs without the other team scoring had not been accomplished in any of the innings my daughter’s team had played. However; my daughter did her best recording the first out by tagging the runner as she headed for home but after a series of errors the winning run did score and my daughter’s team did lose the game. This was not a deterrent to my daughter because she was excited to pitch and excited to get her first hit of the season. I watched her confidence level sore as the game went on. She came up to me with a big smile and asked how she did and I told her “great” which made her smile even more. It was great to see her so happy and was a far cry from last night where she was sad because she had to stay home from the birthday party. Yes, it was a great day on the baseball fields for my family and just being here was indeed wonderful.