At Least One More Week

I somehow managed to pass the time yesterday during the extended lunch period without focusing on whether or not I would be receiving a transpack (transfer) ducat later. I didn’t even bother to put away the bag of food I brought back from the store in hopes I would be taking it with me. I saw an inmate who delivers the transpact ducats near my dorm. I quickly jogged over to him as he approached my dorm. By the time I reached him he had passed my dorm without stopping to deliver any ducats. I caught up to him and asked if there were any ducats for my dorm or for me and he replied “no” on both counts. There it was in a brief second – I learned I will be here at least one more week. Yes, I was disappointed but not devastated. It was fairly amazing because I waited all week for this moment and it was over in a nano-second. Now I start the cycle all over again. I don’t know what it is with my dorm especially my Bunkie because many of the dorm mates have been waiting longer than me. My Bunkie is now entering his 13th week of waiting. I am only at 7 weeks. Putting it into perspective, I don’t feel too badly.

The evening yard opened 30 minutes later than usual, but I still had plenty of time before my telephone call to my wife. This call was supposed to be the call where I informed her I was transferring to Fire Camp. However, it became the call where I informed my wife I will be at least one more week. When I reached her I did most of the talking early on as I quickly realized something was not right with her. She told me she spoke with the Captain in charge of the camp placements the day before. This was the second time she spoke with him and he basically told her the same thing - that I am on the waiting list. The one positive that I gained from my wife’s conversation was that the Captain instantly recognized my name. I do take this as a positive because at least I am more than just a file.

When I finished talking about the fire camp, I asked my wife what was wrong. It was obvious that there was something very wrong as my wife was extremely down. This is the first time in 9 ½ months, I heard her this down and depressed. She then asked me, “How do you know something is wrong?” I’m not clairvoyant, but I have known my wife for 25 years and I do know when something is wrong by her voice. She told me what is bothering her. My wife is having financial difficulties which are directly related to my actions. However, not once during our conversation did she blame me or say anything disparaging. In fact my wife has never blamed me (at least TO me) or held a grudge for what I did to her and the children. She has been beyond loving and supportive throughout this journey. She has handled everything very well but now the financial consequences are hitting her hard. My wife is not in an easy position but she is always positive toward me. She tries to shield me from the negative as much as possible. I need to hear the negative and last night’s conversation was about the negative effects on her.

Unfortunately, there is little I can do to help her while I am in here, I can listen and possibly offer some input but I am at a loss to really make a dent in these financial consequences. We both know this situation is only temporary; however, right now my wife is feeling all the depressing effects of the reality of this situation. She is doing more than her best and all I want to do is hug her while telling her everything will be okay. My words of “Everything will be okay” won’t make the bills go away so I was helpless. She does have some options but these are taking way too long and she has hit some obstacles along the way. She is not only depressed but frustrated as well. Compared to my wife, I have it easy in here because prison reality is much different than real world reality. In the real world there are bills, soccer games, softball games, chauffeuring the children to their events while in prison there is “Should I go to the dining hall for dinner tonight?” In a way I am isolated from what is real as I live in a suspended state. My wife is being punished more than I am as she has to deal with real world problems by herself.

I didn’t have any words of wisdom and I certainly feel so badly for her. She was so down and depressed and also has to make some decisions which will impact her and the children. To say her life is “not easy” is a gross understatement. My wife has always done her best and will continue. She will get through this and hopefully soon. It hurt hearing her so down but I need to hear this not as a punishment to me but the reality of it all. As I hung up my earlier disappointment of not getting transferred seemed very inconsequential to what my wife is dealing with.

Afterward I met up with my friend who just came back from a recovery program based on the book “A Purposeful Life” which is spiritual and based on Christianity. He came back from the introductory meeting as positive as I have ever seen him! As he was telling me about the meetings, I realized how much I miss the GA meetings. These meetings are open to anyone not just those who are addicted to alcohol and drugs and I told him I would be very interested in going.

The rest of the evening my friend and I sat and talked as opposed to walking. I told him about the conversation I had with my wife and he made a very generous offer regarding the situation. I could not take him up on it but he kept pressing me so I told him I would let him know later on. I really couldn’t believe he would make an offer such as this since I really have only known him for the last six months. Even in a place like this there are some tremendous people in the world and I know one of them. I was deeply moved with the offer and he is truly a friend. The evening yard ended and as I walked back to my dorm, my friend reiterated the offer. I thanked him and said good-night.

My life is good. Here I had a day filled with disappointment and frustration. However, the day ended with hope and generosity along with the excitement of the recovery program. As odd as this may sound, I am so grateful for my life. There is so much positive in my life and I am truly blessed in so many ways. I went into the dorm with a smile on my face knowing life is great!