Impending "Balancing" Act

Here it is another work week and my first full week of worth this month. I have a very understanding employer and was able to get the time off so I could gather my family while spending a glorious two weeks as we traipsed across the country. Now it is back to work and yesterday I was able to get through some of the things that I have been lingering on my desk. I am very grateful for the opportunity to be employed because if it weren’t for my employer I have no idea where I would be.

The place is ideal in so many ways since it is only a few miles from our home. I have been thinking about purchasing a bicycle since it is that close to home and even with the falling gas prices (gee now we are “only” paying closer to $4 a gallon, what a bargain!!) it does make more sense to ride a bicycle. The route to our office is heavily congested so I have been somewhat reluctant to make the leap to a bicycle but it may make more sense. Anyhow the office is an interesting place and there is no shortage of “drama”. Thankfully thanks to recovery and the fact that I have spent so much time away from my family while being “locked” away from the free world I have developed a “drama-free” attitude.

This attitude can almost be construed as ambivalent but that is not my purpose. I have come to terms with what is and what is not important. Anything outside of harm to my family fits into the latter category. I do need to provide for my family and the discussion of what would you do with $10 million came up today and my response is “this just doesn’t matter”. There is a purpose for money because as a society everyone needs this to function yet my perspective has changed over the years.

Life was very simple in prison as the meals were provided and I had no choice on what to wear. The decision making process was very limited and this is by design. Now out in the “real” world the decision making process is a bit more complex but I am doing my best to keep it simple. I go about my daily routine and yesterday was a different type of day since I really didn’t see much of my family. I stayed at the office for a long day and attended the Monday Evening Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s Meeting. These are usually very good meetings and yesterday’s was no exception.

The speaker was a relatively newer member with a very interesting perspective on their addiction. The only requirement for Gamblers Anonymous is a DESIRE to stop gambling and this member certainly has that desire. Often times in GA there are bragging on who lost the most amount of money but really money is not the issue. Money is only a conduit or facilitator of the compulsive gambling process. Of course money problems arise for just about everyone who enters GA but over time the money problems are eliminated and hopefully if the member really works the program character defects are turned into character assets.

I enjoyed listening to the speaker because it brought a different perspective yet there were similarities to my own story. One direct similarity was being immature and I have been immature ever since I started gambling. I may appear to be mature in many aspects but not when I was gambling. I wanted the easy road or the path of least resistance but in reality this turned into the hard road and the road with the most resistance. Thankfully in recovery I have discovered and continue to discover the road to a beautiful life. It is indeed beautiful as my family came home last night after visiting dear friends and sit with me as we talked. It was a joy tucking in my daughter and son while speaking with them.

The blessings in my life are plentiful and as I mentioned previously have always been there but I was blind. The blindness has subsided with enormous beauty in the three wonderful people who now reside with me. I am so fortunate and I am fully enjoying each and every moment.

This morning I was up early but not as early as yesterday because I was tired. My wife even commented (which was a big deal at that hour) that I was leaving later than usual. I just smiled and said, “Yes”. I did make it to the gym this morning and I am developing a new workout schedule. I am going to eliminate one day of working out on the weekends and may even eliminate both days. The weekends are made for family time and I don’t want to encroach on this time.

As I mentioned earlier our schedules are about to get busy especially if I embark on my intended path. This coming Saturday I have my first Board Meeting for the California Council on Problem Gambling which lasts most of the day. It is going to be interesting balancing all that is headed my way but I will approach it as I approach recovery; one day at a time. As for now I will continue embracing every moment because these moments are indeed wonderful.