Bowling Mad!

The last day of the Thanksgiving weekend came so quickly. I have done my very best to make each day last and this is why I went without running all weekend long. This morning was a very relaxing time with the family. We remained in bed watching the CBS Sunday Morning Program and it was quite fascinating. The focus was on good news and this was so refreshing because the news seems to be inherently bad most of the time and especially in these times. There was horrible news out of India as innocent people died for no apparent reason. I do believe that everything happens for a reason but tell that to 172 families who lost loved ones. In the randomness of life comes catastrophe and in this there is a reason but I am not about to get into that discussion. This morning it was so nice to watch a program about people who are doing well as opposed to those who are doing badly.

I have often thought that there should be a medium for sharing good news and I don’t mean this in a religious sense; I mean this in the literal sense. I still view this as a good idea but it is apparent people will pay to watch bad news and may not like to focus on good news. Anyhow there were three inspiring stories of people helping other people. Isn’t this what life is meant to be all about? The crux of the Gamblers Anonymous Program is people helping people and it would be great if society could focus on this in a more spiritual way. There seems to be the emphasis on people hurting people like they have done in India and little focus on the many people who helped in such a horrendous situation.

There are so many good people in the world and I believe there are more good people than bad people, thankfully!! I also believe people are inherently good and sometimes life’s events take people (such as me) in places where they never thought they would be. Thankfully in my case I have found a program of recovery which emphasizes the good in life over the bad. The morning was filled with goodness and my intention had me going outside to try and fix the Christmas lights but this was not to be today. Instead we had a very relaxing morning and I helped my son with his school project.

The school project had my son picking a country of his heritage. My son is very fortunate because he has a plethora of countries to choose from which include, Italy, Poland, Ireland, Russian, Hungary and Czechoslovakia. Yes, my son is a mutt and although he has a very Italian sounding last night the blonde hair and blue eyes really doesn’t jive!! My son has selected Poland for that list and mostly because his sister chose this same country three years ago when she did her second grade project; why create the wheel?? It was my duty this morning to help with the research on this project and I ended up writing most of the report. I did share with my son the research and Poland is a very fascinating country in so many different ways. It is a country steeped in tradition and culture. Of course Poland gets a bad “rap” and from what I researched none of that bad reputation makes any sense.

It was fun helping my son with the report and really the internet makes it so easy. My goodness I remember doing these reports with an encyclopedia Britannica and nothing else. Now with a few key strokes I can show my son the topography and climate of Poland along with traditional dress. The internet is a powerful tool and does make learning so much more fun and easy. The report was done in no time and with that so was most of my son’s project. He does need to make a cutout of himself in traditional Polish dress which his mother is helping him with. Since I am “artistically challenged” he is much better off with mom’s help!!

This afternoon we headed over to the bowling alley with our dear friends. A few months ago our two families purchased a basket from the school which had a coupon for two hours of bowling for both our families. We took advantage of this today and for the most part we had a fun time. I had to cut the afternoon short because I went to the Sunday Gamblers Anonymous meeting and thankfully my wife is so accepting and let me cut the bowling session short. My son had an episode at the bowling alley and it was one of those things where there wasn’t much my wife or I could do. Of course it had to do with food and my son’s want for food. It was interesting because the angrier he got the better he bowled. I guess there is something to be said for bowling mad!! He did get through this and was getting back to normal as I headed off to the meeting.

Hanging up the Christmas Lights

The day continued yesterday as I took my daughter and son for a bicycle ride and a trip to the park. This being Southern California outdoor activities are a year around duty. I believe in this part of Southern California we experience over 310 days of sunshine compared to other parts of the world that experience half as much. I must admit that having this much amount of sunshine does make the occasional dreary day something to be coveted but for the most part I will take going on a bicycle ride the day after Thanksgiving with my children over hiding in a house against the elements. Anyhow we had a wonderful time on the bicycle ride and at the park.

We undertook some softball pitching practice along with hitting practice and game of touch football. My daughter is so competitive it is almost startling especially when she competes against her little brother. Her little brother is fairly advance athletically for a 7 year old and my daughter can hold her own in certain sports (softball) in her age group; however; in a game of touch football there was a big discrepancy between brother and sister. Big sister doesn’t like to lose to little brother and she became increasingly frustrated when little brother kept scoring touchdown after touchdown. She had enough and launched the football at her brother’s head. Thankfully we were using a Nerf (soft) football because it caught little brother flush in the upper chest. Yes, I chastised my daughter while comforting a very shocked and stunned son. My daughter begrudgingly apologized and we continued for a few more minutes.

It was time to head home and we took a beautiful path around the local lake on our way back. This is a serene area and we cycled past many families walking their dogs, babies and children. I even cycled past a friend who I hadn’t seen in awhile. Life really is amazing and it was an amazing day hanging out with the children. We returned home and much to my surprise both my daughter and son wanted to continue the touch football game outside our house. No balls were thrown at heads and all was very good through and through. I believe there were even some laughs exchanged between brother and sister.

This morning I decided to take the day off from running. I wanted to spend as much time with my family and I was listening to my body which needed a few days off. I am in the middle of the training program and this week has been a little haphazard so it made sense to just take it easy for today and the weekend. We had a Sunday morning breakfast of waffles even though today is Saturday. We lounged around in the morning planning on getting out in the afternoon to hang the Christmas decorations. I have had the last two years off from hanging Christmas decorations and I was ready to get this down. In order for full disclosure I am not exactly enamored with hanging the Christmas decorations which encompasses of hanging the Christmas lights on the house; however; knowing where I was the last two Christmas seasons I have no complaints whatsoever nor should I ever.

Since the Christmas decorations haven’t seen the light of day in over two years getting started was a bit of a struggle. Additionally we are in a different house so hanging the Christmas lights required a little more planning than necessary. I decided on the route of “not killing myself!” to hang the Christmas lights on the house. We live in a two story house and yes, we used to live in a two story house but the two are designed differently. There are more peaks on this house and those peaks are much higher than the previous house’s. I had the plan in place and went to test the Christmas lights before hanging. I was very surprised to see that the lights seem to work very well because I expected the strands to be defective.

I started with the highest peak and this was a very slow process. I had to install the hooks and then hang the lights which took a very long time. I had to climb the ladder to its highest peak and was being very careful not to kill myself. I accomplished my goal of not killing myself and as it turned dark outside I completed hanging the lights. I plugged the lights in and as I turned them on I noticed that half of the lights looked great and the other half not so good. In spite of me testing the lights and the lights working perfectly something must have happened on the way up because half of the lights were out. Since it was already dark out I wasn’t about to hunt for the defective lights and I would undertake this at some other point. I had to laugh because normally I would have been very frustrated; however; putting everything in perspective half of the lights not working is no big deal and besides the half that worked looked beautiful!!!!

Chicken I Am!!!!

I need to mention a few things about Thanksgiving Dinner yesterday. Yes, it was incredible being with my family and very dear friends for the first time in two years. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity and I am doing my very best to make the most of each and every day. There were a few things that I noticed and most notably my children’s eating habits came to the forefront. I have mentioned in the past that my children’s eating habits aren’t the best and really they haven’t stood a chance since birth! My eating habits are borderline insanity and my wife’s whose eating habits are much more liberal aren’t the very best either. Combine these two and are children really never had a chance!!

My daughter is exactly like I was when I was her age (10 years old) when it comes to eating. She even makes the same faces I made and still make to this day. I really should give her a free pass but yesterday I needed to be a “father” even though it was Thanksgiving. My wife is not pleased when we put the food on our children’s plates and they refuse to eat most of what is on the plate. Yesterday this was exactly the case and I wanted to see how far my children needed to be pushed in order to eat what was on their plates. My son wouldn’t be compromised and his Thanksgiving dinner only consisted of eating corn and some bread. He didn’t care about the punishment which was no dessert last night and the three nights following. I told him that the he wouldn’t get any dessert if he didn’t eat everything on his plate and he answered; “okay.” He only ate what he wanted (the corn and bread) and understood he wouldn’t be receiving any dessert.

My daughter was a little more “cooperative” in a sense; whereas she understood the punishment and really wanted dessert. However; since she is so much like me when it comes to food it took her about an hour and a half to eat 75% of the food on their plate. The whole time she kept saying; “why can’t I be normal?” I had to laugh when she said this and assured her that she will be fine and it was her brain limiting her food consumption. We both agreed we are similar in our approach to food and my daughter then told me she didn’t want to be a vegetarian but went on to say; “yes, I want to be a vegetarian.” I assured her that she would find her way in the near future when it comes to food but in the meantime she needs to expand her palate.

I really have no idea what to do and I am sure I added a few years of “therapy” to my children’s lives yesterday especially when my son sat through dessert not being allowed to take part in the pumpkin pie or apple pie. I know my parents did the very best and never forced me to eat anything even if I suggested that I would jump out the window in lieu of eating the meatloaf!! I fully admit I am a freak when it comes to food and I am fairly certain my daughter is going down this road. My son does have more variety in his diet compared to his sister but when he doesn’t want to do something (which is rare thank God!) he doesn’t do it as was witnessed yesterday. This may have been a memorable Thanksgiving in more ways than one!!

In the evening we played games which consisted of my “favorite” (NOT!!) Pictionary and I am artistically (drawing) challenged. My brain has an idea what to draw but my hands cannot make any sense of that mental picture. I don’t even know how to draw a bunch of grapes that doesn’t resemble circles!! Nonetheless we had a wonderful time with our dear friends and the evening was a success as was the entire day.

This morning with no work scheduled I made my way to the gym much later than normal. This proved to be auspicious in the sense that I saw someone I hadn’t seen since my release over nine months ago. This is the person I had seen a few times prior to my sentence and a person I do owe a huge apology to. I was just talking about this person over the weekend to my friend who I hadn’t talked to in almost 4 years. I was told that I must make the first move because this other person won’t. I was on the treadmill when I noticed this person and took a deep breath. I wasn’t about to jump off the treadmill to just say hello so I continued my workout.

As I continued I played out the scenarios in my head and came to the conclusion that it just didn’t matter what I did. If I said hello and the person didn’t want anything to do with me then so be it; if I said hello and the person started to talk to me then so be it and finally if I did nothing then so be it. I was going to say hello but my lack of courage got the best of me and I decided just to leave things alone. There may be another opportunity in the upcoming future and frankly I am surprised that this was the first time I had seen this person so there should be more encounters. I will do what is best at the time and today it was best for me to just head home from the gym without saying anything. Yes, I am a chicken and I admit it!!

Happy Thanksgiving 2008!!!

Today would be the first Thanksgiving in two years that I spent the day with my family. I don’t believe there are adequate words that can describe how much I missed them over those two years. My main true focus was just getting through those “special” holidays and getting through each and every day of my 19 ½ month absence. I can vividly remember taking that deep breath of day one of my “sojourn” and saying “I can get through this one day at a time.” I did get through the very difficult part one day at a time and those very difficult days such as Thanksgiving, my wife’s birthday, Christmas and the birthdays of my children. I missed two years worth of these days and now I have been a gift of a rebirth which really started the day I entered the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Without GA in my life I would have nothing to show for it and thankfully with GA in my life I have so much and more!

Last night was strange because my wife wasn’t stressing out about the upcoming Thanksgiving meal. This used to be the course of business and pies were being baked into the wee hours of the morning but not this year. My wife had everything under control and I think she was missing a bit of the stress. That may sound strange and I am sure it really is strange but I have seen some people flourish is stress induced situations and through the years my wife has always come through. Of course my wife has always came through for me and has been there with me through this very stressful situation so making pies into the wee hours of the morning is really no big deal!!

It was so cool waking up with my wife next to me and hearing the pitter patter of my son’s feet as he trampled down the stairs for his normal off school day ritual of breakfast and cartoons. I stayed in bed extra longer listening to my wife breath because that is a phenomenal way to start Thanksgiving Day. I had a smile the entire time and after a few minutes of listening I made my way downstairs after kissing my wife lightly on the forehead wishing her a happy Thanksgiving. I did make my way to where my son was stationed in the family room watching the usual cartoons. I snuggled up against him while wishing him a happy Thanksgiving.

This is the way the day should start and yes, I missed this so much over the past two years. I had no desire to make my way for a morning run because I wanted to spend every moment with my family and it was raining outside!! The rain did add extra warmth to the morning and it was so great sitting next to my son as I had him change the channel to watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade. We just sat there watching the parade and my wife joined us a few minutes. My daughter who really appreciates her sleep wasn’t really expected for at least another hour.

We didn’t have to worry about getting anywhere and it was a blissful morning. I did start making the Happy Thanksgiving telephone calls early to my family. I had called my younger sister last night and called the rest of my family this morning. I spoke with everyone and I spoke with a few dear friends. There are two dear friends who made my holidays during my sentence so special and I had to call them to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving. These are incredible people and they made it a point to get me through those special days and by God they had so much to do with getting me through those days and I am eternally grateful.

The morning went by so quickly and it was time to prepare for a lovely dinner with exceptional friends. I continue to be blessed with incredible people in my life and I am so fortunate to be able to spend my first Thanksgiving on the “other side” with these dear friends. The dinner preparation went well and I was sensing a little of the stress that my wife seems to crave so I poured her a glass of wine to “calm the nerves”. My wife did ask me if I were going to have a glass of wine today since it was a holiday but I explained to her that it probably wouldn’t be a big deal if I did have a glass of wine I just don’t feel comfortable until after next March. I made a pact with myself and I am sticking to this pact. I realize this is nothing but abstinence; however; it seems like the proper course of action under these “circumstances”.

Our friends made their way over and we found ourselves outside for an impromptu game of touch football pitting family against family. What a wonderful way to spend Thanksgiving with family and friends; and not having to worry about some ridiculous football game on television when I watch my son and daughter play the game of football. The game wasn’t without controversy but this was more of children being children and nothing else. I had a wonderful time and it didn’t matter that our set eating time was delayed by an hour. I had told my wife and our dear friends that it didn’t matter when we ate and we would eat when we would eat! There is no reason to stress because the only thing that matters is that we are all together for the day.

Everything was prepared and we were ready to dig in to the Thanksgiving feast. Our Thanksgiving feast was missing a turkey and yes, this was by design and no, it wasn’t my design. It is true I don’t eat turkey or any other land dwelling animal but it was the choice of our dear friend to prepare a chicken instead of the traditional turkey since it went over well last year in their home. Obviously this didn’t matter to me since I had prepared my own self styled Thanksgiving feast in some seared halibut.

The table was packed with food and around the table were outstanding people. I took a moment prior to everyone digging in to say a word of thanks to everyone around the table. I didn’t want to get too emotional but I wanted to say how much I love everyone around the table and I am so happy to be here after being gone for the past two years. As I completed my words of thanks we went around the table having everyone say their words of thanks which basically centered on family, friends and the bountiful feast in front of everyone.

The dinner went very well and just like that Thanksgiving dinner 2008 was over in a flash. These are the moments that go by so quickly but hopefully I did my best to experience each moment in depth. I continue to be blessed and I am incredibly fortunate to have been given a second chance. I am doing my best doing the right things because I have an incredible life through and through.

Peaceful Day Before Thanksgiving

The children are off all of this week for the Thanksgiving holiday. This is part of their 10 month school year and it does make sense to have the entire week off especially if there is travel involved. There won’t be any travel involved this year for a few reasons. The most notable reason is the fact that I cannot readily travel unless I receive permission. I am going to seek permission to run the marathon in Phoenix comes January but I do want to keep my “interactions” to a minimum.

Thankfully every since our trip in July those “interactions” have been non-existent; less is certainly more and additionally; we certainly don’t have the funds to travel this Thanksgiving. My daughter did ask me how much it costs to fly to New Jersey over the Christmas holiday because she would like to spend Christmas in New Jersey. I explained the cost and she seemed to understand that this would be much too expensive.

I love my daughter with all my being and I love having those late night talks such as the other night. She does seem to contradict herself at times because from what I understand last year when she was in New Jersey she wanted to come out to California for Christmas and now the reverse stands true. My daughter is very politically correct when it comes to family since she has two grandmothers who reside in New Jersey and doesn’t like to play favorites. She explained to me that she would live with my wife’s mother because there isn’t anyone else in that household whereas my mother has her husband and my grandmother in her household. My daughter certainly has learned not to hurt anyone’s feelings with the exception of her brother’s feelings!!

Staying here in California is wonderful with me and really traveling during this week is no fun even though it appears travel has been curtailed by the economy. I had some work to do today but this has been a very light week by design. I had to opt for the “free pass” gym this morning since the hot water was still not working at my normal gym. My sickness or whatever it is seems to be lingering but not bad enough to hamper me from working out. Normally Wednesdays are the high intense days but today I had to cut back since I just couldn’t get amped up for the higher intensity. I managed to improvise and did add to my mileage total making up for Monday’s absence but it wasn’t a very good Wednesday workout. Nonetheless I became the sweaty mess necessary and was able to take a shower at the “free pass” gym.

I made my way into the office for a few hours and spent most of that time talking with my boss. I have had bosses younger than me over the years and it certainly doesn’t faze me at this stage of my career. (Let’s face it I will take what I can get and I have no business being picky!!) I did get along with most of my bosses over the years. I did seem to have difficulty with the female bosses over the years but never the male bosses. I can’t pinpoint why this has occurred but it has been a long time since I had a female boss.

I do enjoy my current boss and would like to make this new opportunity a long standing gig. I don’t know what the future holds but I can see my duties increasing in the next few months when my “restrictions” are lifted. There have been a few occasions recently where I could have been of more value had I not had these restrictions but thankfully my boss understands. Of course I will continue doing what is required of me and will continue to learn this new industry.

The day came to a peaceful close and yes, we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow our first together in two years. My friend said it to me over the weekend when we played golf as to how special it will be on Thanksgiving being with my family for the holiday. Yes, I do agree; however; as I explained to my friend everyday is a holiday for me since each day is a blessing and is extra special. I have learned the hard way but thankfully in recovery I am reminded how far I have come and continue to embrace each day; one at a time.

World's Worst?

I could be the “world’s worst” sponsor since of the two people I sponsor I speak with one rarely (this person completely understands recovery and is immersed in the Gamblers Anonymous so the maintenance is very low practically non-existent) and the other I speak with daily but I can’t seem to convince them to get to a meeting. I have an incredible sponsor who does more listening than speaking and by that same token there is more guidance as opposed to directive. This approach continues to work in our sponsor and sponsoree relationship so I do my best to continue this with those I sponsor. I do realize that everyone is different and I should not treat everyone with the same approach. My one sponsoree doesn’t need me so this works great but the other sponsoree relies on me that my listening approach may need fine tuning.

I have always been a big believer in treating adults as adults. I utilized this approach when I managed people at work and it did pay dividends. I did realize in my managerial duties that people come in all shapes, sizes and personalities so once again treating everyone the same may not be the best practice. It took me awhile to learn how to treat certain people but I was never the type of manger that would say “it is my way or the highway!” I rarely do this with my children but there are instances where I have no choice and this is where I could be heading with my sponsoree.

The Gamblers Anonymous Program continues to save my life each and every day which is why I owe the program so much. My sponsoree doesn’t have the desire to gamble which is good; however; there is another part of the program that brings all aspects of life into focus that my sponsoree seems to be missing. I can’t and won’t force anyone to attend a meeting but there are times I would like to drag people into a meeting. The only requirement for membership in Gamblers Anonymous is the desire to stop gambling and I fear with all the extraneous matter going on in the life of my sponsoree that there is no attention paid to this desire. I realize this could be the beginning of a very slippery slope and I do wonder if there is more I can do?

I guess all I can do is my best and it really isn’t in my personality to tell people what to do even if it is for their own good. I take the more passive approach and make “suggestions” so whether or not these “suggestions” are taken I really don’t know. I know people in GA who have a number of years associated with the program that is “their way or the highway” which is expressed to the people they sponsor. My first experience with GA happened over 25 years ago when a member called me at the behest of my parents and “told” me what I needed to do. Of course I did not head this advice and did it my way which led to some fairly horrible outcomes. That person was correct in everything I was told but I wasn’t going to listen no matter what. As I mentioned this is not in my nature to use this tact so I will continue doing what I know best which is listening and making those “suggestions”.

I had taken the “wellness” pills and my cold/flu has not gotten any worse. I’m not sure if it has gotten any better but I will take it any day. Since I missed my normal run yesterday and I wasn’t feeling any worse I did make my way to the gym. Yesterday I had conjured up a way to make up for the lost workout of yesterday. All I had to do was add 33% more to the three of my workouts and I wouldn’t miss any miles for the week. Yes, I know I have a problem but it is so much better than the previous problem!! I did run 12 miles this morning and it only hurt when I took a sip of water. My breathing was great and I had to sweat out any toxins. I normally sweat a great deal but when I am battling some type of sickness I sweat even more. I was drenched by the end of the run and feeling good.

Normally I would take a shower at the gym but once again there wasn’t any hot water to take a shower. I have never seen a place that has had so many problems with the hot water and I think the same people who did the installs at the prisons must have done the install at the gym!!! Hot water does appear to be optional so I had to make my way home after the workout a sweaty mess. I had plenty of time to go home and get to my appointment which was literally in the middle of nowhere. I had a midday appointment with another facility and as I approached I started to have flashbacks about fire camp. As I drove a “fire bus” filled with inmate/firefighters passed me on the opposite side of the road. No, it wasn’t my old buddies from camp; it was from another camp which wasn’t far from where my appointment was. In fact; I passed an entrance to a fire camp a few miles from my appointment.

I pulled into the appointment and had to walk up a large hill. As I walked up I thought I was back in fire camp because the layout was very similar. I was curious what this facility was before it became a treatment facility so I enquired. Much to my suspicion it had been a youth correctional camp back in the 1980’s and the treatment facility had taken it over. They did spruce it up a little but there was a definite feel of institutionalism that I felt.

I did instantly lose my appetite as I entered the “dining/chow hall” for lunch. Yes, I may have been having flashbacks but the upside meant I would be able to depart anytime I wanted. I didn’t stay very long and made my rounds after meeting a few people. I was able to depart anytime I wanted and I walked back down the hill; got in my car and drove back to the office. I have to admit that the setup was conducive for recovery but it was much too close to home for me!!

Not Feeling So Good

Yesterday wrapped up with the Sunday evening Gamblers Anonymous meeting. This is a candlelight meeting and there is something about the candlelight that makes the meeting more personal. I continue to commit myself to this meeting and sometimes I would like others in the program to commit them to this meeting as well.

Last week there was a member that poured their soul out regarding the fact that they had just gone back out to gambling in spite of being part of the program for almost two years. It was very sad to hear this and I was hoping this person would be back this week but this was not the case as their absence was noted. I certainly can only work one recovery which is mine but I must admit it is truly sad knowing what this addiction of compulsive gambling can do to people. I am an example of this power and where it can lead to. Thankfully recovery leads me down the right road of recovery.

The meeting went very well and once again the attendance was sparse. A very dear friend made a great statement as the comment was made that everyone in attendance at last night’s meeting had been a Secretary. This was indeed a great point because it illustrates the fact as to why we are committed to the program. My sponsor once said to me that it is interesting how at some meetings the people in attendance are the least likely to need a meeting. This may very well be the case but I know for myself I need and want Gamblers Anonymous in life just like my sponsor does (who incidentally has many more years in the program than I). This is why I need to stay connected and focus on the upside of the program which is the fact that my life is saved every day because of recovery.

Instead of returning home after the meeting we (as a family) decided to utilize one of the gift cards we have and go out to dinner. We made our way to a family restaurant and had a family together. The meal went very well and we are blessed to have two well behaved children. My daughter is slowly drifting into teenage hood in spite of her age. She is more comfortable with her “DS” in hand and yes, we allow her to keep herself occupied.

This could be construed as bad parenting but we will keep a close eye on this since it seems to be the wave of the new generation. When I was out to dinner with my friends over the weekend we witnessed a couple that didn’t say two words to one another because they appeared to be texting other people. I guess the personal contact is too much for some people and I certainly want my daughter to understand that it is better to talk to a person than to be immersed in some electronic device. On the other hand my son was content to match his baseball cards with me.

It was indeed a wonderful weekend through and through. I did feel a slight “twinge” in my throat as if I were getting a cold. I haven’t had a cold or been sick since I was released almost 9 months ago and the fact that my daughter had just gone through her bout with I cold I guess I was due. I didn’t feel well at all this morning upon waking up and not only was my throat bothering me I had body aches. I really don’t know what flu like symptoms are but these body aches were pronounced. I had an appointment today that I had to cancel and after thinking long and hard I passed on my running for the first time in a very long time.

I had just finished reading an article about “listening to your body” about whether or not to run. This was an exercise for me because my mind was saying one thing where my body was saying something else. There was a time I would have made my way to the gym and try to sweat out the cold but today I thought I would be better served resting for the day. I did rest and as I canceled my appointment I was informed about a homeopathic remedy at a local health food store.

I did purchase the remedy since I don’t do well with any of the over the counter medicines. This could stem back to an “episode” with the Contact cold medication some years ago but anyhow I have always had strange reactions to medicines. Most people sleep well after taking Nyquil but this has the opposite effect on me so trying the natural remedy made sense. As the day went on I felt better but I didn’t do much of anything except for some computer work. I was able to have a game of football with my son and his friend which is always fun but for the most part rest was the prescription for the day. As always I will asses my condition one day at a time!

Better Than Old Times!

The evening went by so fast yesterday and the dawn came as quickly this morning. The past two evening’s night sleep has gone by in a flash. I’m not certain what to attribute this to but my suspicion I is the fact about playing golf with my dear friends had something to do with it. This morning would be a day of rest from running but I still found myself awake early ready for the day. We had another tee time this morning and today a person from my past would be joining us. This is the same person I wrote about a few weeks ago when I first heard their name mentioned. I am NOT big into the whole “coincidence” thing and by the same token I don’t view this as “sign”. I do believe things happen for a reason and there are people in my life for a reason as well. This was a person who I was very friendly with but hadn’t spoken to in nearly four years.

The reason why we haven’t spoken had everything to do with my misdeeds since we were both employers of the same company. I didn’t expect anyone to line up in my defense because frankly that would have probably been “career suicide” for anyone who undertook that. It certainly does not bother me in the least that people I thought I was “friends” with have not tried to contact me in over four years. This certainly goes to the category of “it is what it is.” There have been a few people from my past who I have stayed in contact with and for this I am eternally grateful. This particular person and I had a “history” together and I wanted to reach out and see how this person was doing.

I was speaking with my wife earlier this week about whether I should or should not place the telephone call to this person. There was hesitation in my wife’s voice as to why I would want to reach out to this person and I think she was trying to protect my feelings. She didn’t want me to get hurt if the person did not respond in kind and of course I have to give my wife credit for her concern. I assured her that the worst case scenario really wasn’t that bad and I would be okay with any of the outcomes. In my mind the worst case scenario would have me speak with this person and this person and this person would tell me off. I didn’t believe that was a possibility and even if it were so be it.

I did place the call which led to today’s wonderful round of golf with three exceptional friends. I made my way to the golf course early this morning and I was the first to arrive. After a few minutes I noticed the person I hadn’t spoken to in nearly four years pull up and then I saw this person walk over to me. It didn’t take long but smiles were on both of our faces and I was greeted with a great big bear hug!! It was hard to imagine that four years had gone by since we last saw or talk to one another because it did feel like just yesterday. As the day progressed and we talked it most certainly felt like only a few weeks had gone by NOT four years. I will continue to say this and it is so true; I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and today I felt so comfortable with this person that was on the “other side” when all the sh… hit the fan nearly four years ago.

The golf itself wasn’t exactly easy since I chose one of the hardest courses in the area but the conversations flowed very easily all day long. I was treated to the round of golf and I was treated to lunch as well. I didn’t expect this in the least bit but was very grateful. As far as golf goes the round was on the long side but for the first time it didn’t feel like a 5 hour round of golf because we had four years of catching up to do. Additionally, my good friends from Las Vegas hadn’t seen this person in the same amount of time and everyone got along great. I would like to say it was just like old times but that would be an understatement because it was BETTER than old times. Back in the “day” my mind was churning every which way but today I was present and accounted for all day long. I am so glad I made that telephone call and I am so happy I had the opportunity to reconnect with a friend.

The weekend of golf with dear friends had come to a close as we said our goodbyes. It is funny how things work over the years and how well everything continues to work out in my life. I am eternally grateful to recovery because I am getting the opportunity for a second chance and it is my intention to make the best of this second chance in every way possible. Today was a huge stride in the right direction of this second chance and I owe it all to recovery.

I am so Fortunate and Blessed

Seven months ago my dear friends drove done from Las Vegas so we could have a weekend filled with golf and catching up. I certainly was pleased to see these dear friends then and today would be a reprise of that weekend. I am blessed with incredible friends both old and new. There is no doubt what I did chase a few of these friends away but through recovery I have so many incredible people in my life and today I spent the day with two of them.

I planned on getting up early so I could get in a run before the day of golf. I had to ascertain a free pass to another local gym because the gym I belong to changed their hours of operation. I needed to get into the gym earlier than the opening time so I found my way to another gym this morning. I woke up at the required time and started my day. I did get in a 20 mile run before the day’s golf game and there are some people who think 20 miles is a long way but the more I run the easier these runs become. It truly is “mind over matter” for me when it comes to these long runs. I do seem to be better with the longer runs as opposed to the shorter runs. I play mind games as I run and it truly is amazing how fast 2 ½ hours goes.

I have figured out the IPod and now have over 300 songs downloaded. Most of these songs are from my personal collection and thanks to my mother I now have a case that affixes to my waistband. I hooked on the IPod and off I went for the 20 mile run. Yes, the time passed so quickly and I felt great as I completed the run. According to the training schedule I have three more 20 mile runs before the marathon but I know I have to run longer than 20 miles since I seem to fade (a great deal) at about mile 22 and beyond. I will adjust the training schedule to get in runs of 22 and 24 miles. I am also toying with the idea of running 28 miles at a much slower pace than normal. I need to get past the “wall” and judging by today’s run I know I will break through the “wall”.

In order for me to receive the guest pass I had to speak with a sales representative about a possible membership. This particular gym is opened 24 hours which does work better for me now that the gym I belong to cut back their hours from being opened 24 hours. My current membership runs until March of next year and I do have an advantageous membership. I did receive prices for a membership to this gym which surprisingly were comparative but there was a significant up-front cost. I don’t remember paying this up-front cost when I joined my gym over 10 years ago and I would have thought that in this economy the costs would be less expensive. Anyhow I do like the fact that the gym is opened 24 hours but it doesn’t make sense to do anything until my current membership expires.

The run was over and I made my way to the golf course. We were playing one of my favorite courses in the area and a course my friends had never played. I had wanted to take them to this particular course for awhile but was never able to make it work. Today we made it work and it was a great day with great friends. The weather was unbelievable for the ladder part of November. The daytime temperatures reached into the 80’s and there was a slight breeze. The weather could not have been any better. I would like to report that my golf game could not have been any better but my golf game could have been much better. I hadn’t played in the past 3 months and I wasn’t at the level of play I had been prior to August. I had many bad shots and some good shots but the day was wonderful because it was spent with two very good friends.

The day seemed to go by so quickly and as soon as we teed off on the first hole we were finishing up on the 18th hole. My friends were staying the weekend and tomorrow we would play again at a different course so they were staying in the area. After coming home and taking a quick shower I made my way to my favorite restaurant in the area for a fabulous dinner with my two friends. The food is so consistent and my friends who are used to fine cuisine really enjoyed their meals as well. This was a wonderful day from beginning to end and I get to do it again tomorrow.

Cool Moments!

I had run the last four day s in a row so I was due a day off and I took it this morning. This was a very good morning; however; the bicycle tire I had re-fixed yesterday was again flat. My son had to ride his scooter to school and he has such a great disposition this did not affect at all. My children made their way to school and I stayed behind to do some work. I seem to get more done via email than any other method. People are more likely to respond to emails as opposed to voice messages. I don’t really understand this but I will do what works best. There is one particular person I have been dealing with over the past weeks who just doesn’t return telephone calls but promptly returns emails. This response is so prompt it usually occurs in the first five minutes after the email was sent.

Maybe the art of personal contact is dying off with all the advances in the communication age. I am amazed at people who sit in a restaurant and text instead of having a conversation. Are we becoming an insensitive lot? I don’t have the answer to that and I hope this is not the case. I prefer to speak with people although this isn’t in vogue. I like personal connections not the faceless age of emails and texting. There is a place for emails and texting but I believe there is too much reliance on these modes of communication. I spent 19 ½ months away from email, cell phones and texting. I have caught up in the past 9 months but I hope I never forget where I had come from.

The day went very well and today was supposed to be the day where are “visitor” came to stay with us. This is the same visitor who was supposed to arrive a few weeks ago but circumstances being what they were this did not happen. This visitor is a good friend who has been through a great deal over the past few months. Hopefully all of this will subside for this good friend and being our visitor will create some stability. We will have to wait at least another day for our visitor and once again living one day at time has its benefits.

I must report that I have a report on how many people read this blog on a daily basis and in this report also reveals how people get to this site. It appears there are many people who are NOT compulsive gamblers that come to this blog. These are people who have been effected by a compulsive gambler and judging by the searches these are significant others of the compulsive gambler. I have received emails from one particular person who has basically been decimated by a compulsive gambler. I certainly cannot speak for anyone who has been affected by my actions.

I can only continue on in my recovery and do my best to do the right thing. I do know that my actions have affected my family and thankfully in recovery the relationship I have with my family continues to get better with each passing day. I do hope that people that have been affected by a compulsive gambler that they seek out help such as the Gam-Anon program which is specifically defined for this purpose. I can only tell my side of the story but I do know that what I did was horrible for my family. I can’t change that I can only focus on today and today is a wonderful day.

This wonderful day included making waffles, pancakes and macaroni and cheese for dinner. Yes, I made the “special” waffles and pancakes again. It is very cool eating breakfast at dinnertime and my son loves this concept. My daughter opted for the macaroni and cheese while my son not only had the macaroni and cheese he also had a waffle. These are those incredible moments where the family comes together and we have dinner. It doesn’t matter what is on the menu it only matters that the four of us are together. There is no doubt that time moves so quickly and as I am reminded personal connections are the very best way to stay in line with anyone especially my family. I have an incredible personal connection with every member in my family. I love my family with all my being and spending these moments together mean the world to me.

Returning to the "Scene" Part II

Yesterday continued as I returned back to the office for my second meeting of the day. There is a part of my job where I get to have people come to our facility and take a tour. I am the tour guide which usually includes a lunch. First we had a very good meeting and as always I deferred to my boss who does enjoy talking which worked out well since the people we were with enjoyed listening. After this it was my turn to talk and take them on a tour. I am still finding my way and I like to ask questions and engage the other party. I am learning more and more about the recovery industry and the people associated. The lunch yesterday added to my learning experience.

As I completed the very nice lunch and tour I had yet another task to undertake. I had to make my way to the local courthouse and do some research for our company. Yes, this is the same courthouse I entered on July 12, 2006 and didn’t reemerge until February 27, 2008. This was the second time I had been back since my release. The first time I had to attend a meeting and yesterday I was just there to research. It is interesting because prior to my “demise” I didn’t even know this courthouse existed even though it is a mere 4 miles away from where I lived.

I entered the parking lot without the pit in my stomach I once had but I have to admit I wasn’t exactly “comfortable”. I made my way into the building which is the same way I went over 2 years ago through security but instead of making my way to the second floor courtrooms I stayed on the first floor accessing the records department. I had to stay awhile before I found what I was looking for and this was a very successful task. While I was waiting I looked up my particular case just to see if there was anything new. Much to my surprise there were a few things I hadn’t seen before since these things happened while I served my sentence. I retrieved those records because after all it is a public record and read what was inside. I didn’t understand so I reread and started to make sense of it but I needed a second opinion so I printed the materials out.

I returned back to the office with the information I was tasked to find and my information. My boss was very pleased with what I had brought back and then I had asked for an opinion on my particulars. My boss did come up with the same conclusion I had reached but we both agreed that there needs to be an expert to really interpret what was written. As my boss mentioned it would be ashamed to waste money on an attorney but it may be necessary. I don’t know where I will go with this and I don’t know if I will go anywhere with this. It doesn’t make sense to go into any particulars but it could very well be nothing but I can say it isn’t negative.

The very full day ended and it felt great to go and go all day long from start to finish. The evening was very peaceful and relaxing. This morning was a very typical morning and for the first time since I started this training program I actually ran for the fourth day in a row. Normally the high intense session of Wednesday (yesterday) where’s me down so I don’t feel like running the next day. The next day is today and I did feel like running so I made my way to the gym. I got in a very good workout and made it through the 7 mile run very well. I think this training program is progressing as intended and with the marathon scheduled in less than two months I am right where I need to be.

The rest of the day I had some errands to run and one of these errands had me returning to the bicycle shop. On Tuesday of this week I took my son’s bicycle in (again!) because on our “dirt biking” expedition he picked up a thorn in his rear tire which caused it to go flat. I know my limitations and it was worth it to bring the bicycle into the bike shop. However; apparently the tire was not fixed properly because it went flat as my son rode it to school and the bicycle chain fell off as well. I have a great deal of patience and I am not one to rant and rave. I calmly brought the bicycle back to the shop and after 15 minutes the bicycle was repaired properly. I understand there is no sense in “blaming” when the whole purpose is to just get the bicycle fixed. I wasn’t charged anything and the person in the bike shop was extremely courteous.

I need to say a big happy birthday to a dear friend who is going through a tough time. I was hoping to see this friend on Thanksgiving but unfortunately that won’t happen. This is a very dear friend and someone I didn’t know until a short while ago. I can empathize with this dear friend and I do know everything will work out for the very best. Happy Birthday!!!

Reactive Attachment Disorder

The technology has changed in the past two plus years while I was away. An example of this occurred last night as we watched a movie directly from the internet. The movie was not only from the internet it was also displayed on our television and the transmission was almost seamless. I remember when I first used to surf the internet over 10 years ago via “dial-up” that the downloads of most websites seemed to take forever. Now here it is only 10 years later and we are sitting as a family watching a movie as we would watch a DVD and this movie didn’t freeze like the DVD did over the weekend. I was amazed I was able to figure out how to attach the laptop to the television along with attaching the sound as well. It did take me awhile but I finally got it altogether and we watched a family movie in National Treasure 2.

The family had seen this movie before but I had not. I did see the first movie National Treasure and thought this sequel was very much like the first one with some things changed. It really didn’t matter the content of the movie it mattered that the four us were in the same room and in fact we were all snuggled up against each other watching the movie as a family. This is so cool and one of those moments I cherish because of the simplicity. There was a wonderful connection with the family last night as we watched the movie and I enjoyed it tremendously.

This morning was yet another typical morning for me but I was out the door a little early as I had a full day of appointments planned. The workout went well and I think I am getting used to this regime of running 5 times per week. This is the fourth week of the training schedule and I remember in the previous 2 training schedules my legs were aching at this point. I don’t have any of the aches or pains and it is unusual because the intensity has increased. I guess it is all part of the process.

The early part of the morning took me to a meeting at the local school district. This is a meeting of community partners that addresses the needs of the students in the community. These needs range from drug addiction, alcohol addiction to learning disabilities. These are people just trying to help in any way possible and my first meeting was last month. The program was started a little over two years to combat the drug and alcohol issues effecting students. This is a great first step whereas in the past the denial was the community was immune from these types of issues.

I sat there and listened to two wonderfully educated speakers. The topic was “Reactive Attachment Disorder.” I had never heard of this before and was educated on “RAD”. Reactive Attachment Disorder is defined as complex psychiatric illness that can affect young children. It is characterized by serious problems in emotional attachments to others. RAD usually presents by age 5, but a parent, caregiver or physician may notice that a child has problems with emotional attachment by their first birthday. This often happens in children placed in foster care or who have neglectful or absent parents. These children have difficulty forming relationships with anyone because their brains weren’t formulated for bonding.

It was fascinating listening to the dissertation because the techniques utilized for children affected with this disorder were almost counterintuitive. One of the techniques involved NOT making eye contact when dealing with a RAD child. Apparently eye contact heightens this condition and the children do not listen. The proper technique is sitting side by side and forming a personal bond through calmness. The key is to stay calm no matter how the child reacts. The speaker went on to say that all of our brains are connected and when one person is stressed the other person becomes stressed so it stands to reason the inverse. The inverse is being calm which brings calmness to the other party.

I thought more about this concept on how ALL of our brains are connected and I do believe this to be the case. No matter the religious belief we as humans were created the same way so there must be a connection for all human beings and that even goes for the test tube babies. Taking this one step further on a personal note; in my recovery I have become connected to people who have the desire to stop gambling and this keeps me focused in my own recovery. I do believe that this does have something to do with the success of Gamblers Anonymous in my life. I tried the “on my own” method which worked horribly and now I can go to a place along with practice a program that reinforces this connection to live a life without the horror of compulsive gambling. The key is the “connection” and in the rooms and in the program the profound connection is everyone being on the same page to recovery. Sure some people fall away from the program and some go back to their old ways but I know that as long as I stay connected and practice the principles of the program my life continues to get better.

After the meeting I made my way to the office and on my way to the office I placed a telephone call to someone I had not spoken to in almost 4 years. Life is a very funny thing and it is cosmic journey of some proportions. This person surfaced in a conversation I was having a few weeks back and I just couldn’t get them out of my head. As it turns out two very dear friends are coming to visit this weekend to play golf and thankfully I am able to join these two friends.

This person I spoke with today used to be part of these golf outings in a “previous life” and I thought it was a natural that I would invite them to play golf this Sunday. I was a bit nervous placing the call and I played the “worst case scenario” out in my mind. The worst case scenario was the person just hanging up on me and I thought that wouldn’t be so bad at least I tried. Well the person did not hang up on me in fact it was quite the opposite. We had a very cordial conversation and they did accept my invitation to play golf this Sunday so we could do some catching up.

I can’t say it enough about how blessed I am in some many ways. I continue to meet interesting people and I do have some very wonderful people in my life. It is obvious that I screwed up in the things I have done but everything continues to work out as intended which is wonderfully.

Family Option

There are days where I know what to write and there are days such as today where I don’t have much of a clue! Last night I had intended to make my way to the Monday evening speaker’s meeting since a dear friend was the feature speaker; however; life being what it is brought a family evening instead. There is a fine line in the balance I am seeking; I realize that I want and need the Gamblers Anonymous Program in my life and without it I don’t have much of a life. I also realize I need to make the most of the moments with my family because I have learned over the past three plus year’s time goes by so quickly and these moments should not be taken for granted. I opted for the “family option” and I do hope my dear friend forgives me for not attending the meeting. I did make my committed one meeting per week on Sunday and I am sure over the ensuing weeks I will make more than one meeting per week.

There is an inner struggle I seemed to have about not being able to attend more than one meeting per week. The GA Program and the people within the program have been wonderful and do continue to save my life each and every day. I do look to people in the program who have a number of years and how they continue to work their recovery one day at a time. The common theme is humility and being able to live life on life’s terms. Life is an amazing journey and being in recovery adds so much more to my life.

This morning was “more of the same” with me making my way to the gym and also my daughter had taken the day off from school. She finally went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with a sinus infection. The doctor prescribed antibiotics and most likely the infection will dissipate within the next 48 hours. We took the precautionary method and had our daughter stay home today. She is such a good child and does want to get better so she can go back to school. I believe she received the rest required and should be back at school tomorrow. This week the school has half days so the teachers can have the parent teacher conferences and next week the school is closed for the Thanksgiving holiday. Our children’s school is on a 10 month program and they do get extended days off such as next week instead of the requisite 2 day Thanksgiving break. This is an advantageous schedule but it does get complicated when both parents work.

The plan is for my wife to have a job and as I mentioned previously we were hoping this would happen sooner as opposed to later. In this economy finding employment for my wife is difficult and hasn’t been exactly easy. I do know everything will work out for the very best and I have confidence something will happen in the next few months so for the time being everything is going well and the children do have someone to watch them during the day.

The “more of the same” at the gym went well and I am in a rhythm with my running. I think I spoke too soon about my earphones because yesterday the right one (the one that always gives me problems) kept falling off during my run. I can’t explain why and I do believe my right ear is smaller than my left ear but things were going so well especially over the weekend when I ran 18 miles. This changed during a 7 mile run but I made it through very well. I do enjoy my workouts and my running. I think I am leaning toward running in the Arizona Rock n’ Roll Marathon come January and if we drive to Phoenix we can save a significant amount of money as opposed to flying. The gas prices continue to drop which has surprised me. What used to cost $60 to fill up my tank now costs $30 and I think the prices will continue to drop. It is amazing because as the economy continues to fall so do the gas prices. I guess the two aren’t mutually exclusive!

The day went well as I made my way into the office and received more tasks. The great part of my job is every day there is something different. It is a change from my “previous life” and I am enjoying my new job and each of my roles. These roles range from advertising, marketing, analysis, investigative, strategy and everything else in between!!! I am learning a great deal and meeting some very good people. I am blessed with this new position and I am blessed with my life in every way possible.

Parent Teacher Conference 2008

Thank goodness for GA because it continues to enhance my life in so many different aspects. Last night was the Sunday evening candlelight GA meeting and it was a very good meeting with some incredible people. After the meeting I had a great conversation with a very dear friend. The fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous is so strong and it is amazing how many wonderful people I continue to encounter and this was the case last night as I spoke with a very dear friend. Of course the conversation was about recovery and it is so sad to see a member return to the meeting having gone out gambling. The positive aspect is the fact that the person came back to the meeting instead of continuing the insanity. Obviously the negative side is not adhering to the principles of the program by going out and gambling.

This addiction of being a compulsive gambler is baffling since there is always the “lure” of the “big win” which to me means absolutely nothing. I have come to realize that there is no such thing as a big enough win because it would lead to my ultimate demise. Unfortunately there are many people who come into the GA Program only to go back out to the insanity of gambling.

The principles of the program are fairly clear as it states “Don’t gamble for anything!” I don’t believe there is a “gray area” in that statement and I take it to heart. Last week when I attended the luncheon there was a drawing for gifts and it all “costs” was a business card; I made it a point after being badgered about depositing my business card in the drawing basket that I didn’t want any part of the drawing. I wrote in bold letters on the back of my business, “NO DRAWING” as I gave my business card over. It was interesting because most of the people in attendance were in recovery from other addictions and this would be tantamount to the hosts of the luncheon serving mimosas which would be unheard of. I realize it was “only a free drawing” but that is my freedom I am playing around with. I do my best to adhere to the principles of the program and if it means singling me out at a business lunch then so be it.

Our conversation turned on to this past election and I always learn something from this dear friend. We spoke about all the results and of course about Proposition 8. My dear friend shed some more light on this proposition and I did understand the concept. I am still having a hard time understanding how this proposition affects anyone other than the people who are directly involved but I do understand sanctity and personal integrity. I do learn so much when I just shut up and listen which is what I did last night. In fact I do a great deal of shutting up at the GA meetings and continue to learn so much about life and myself.

The weekend came to a close and it was once again time to start the work week. This morning was the first of our parent teacher conferences for the school year. Up first was a conference with my daughter’s fifth grade teacher. It was a very good meeting and went just as we expected. Our daughter earned straight A’s for the marking period and it doing very well in school. Her teacher spoke very highly of her and even complimented us on our parenting skills. This was the first time we had heard this and it was very nice to hear. It was even nicer to hear that our daughter is a very good student who really cares about her work. In spite of the turmoil over the past two years my daughter continues to do extremely very well in school and maintains an incredible normalcy about her.

The second conference occurred later this afternoon with my son’s second grade teacher. My son is not doing as well as our daughter but is a very good student. He is having a difficult time with reading and is getting extra help. He is holding his own in math but he received accolades for how he handles himself in class. We received his report card which didn’t contain letter grades but he is where he needs to be in most subjects (with the exception of reading) and he received all excellent in how he conducts himself in class. This did go as we both expected and he is a really good child and it is great to hear he maintains himself accordingly in class. I know his reading will come along and he is different type of learner than his sister. We will continue to work with him in his reading and the positive aspect is the fact that he never complains about his school work. He has such a great attitude and I know things will come around.

This was one of those special days I have waited for over the past two years. I missed these parent teacher conferences and in fact this was the first parent teacher conference I had concerning my son since he started school while I served my sentence. I am blessed with incredible children and once again in spite of all the turmoil I caused everything is truly working out for the very best!

"Best Day Ever!"

Last night was “movie night” in our household. I have started to introduce the children to “old” movies (old to them but not to the rest of the world’s population!). The “old” movie last night was the “Karate Kid” starring Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita. I had forgotten that Elisabeth Shue was also in the movie along with one of the Van Patten’s. While the children were upstairs watching this movie my wife and I were downstairs watching “Next” starring Nicholas Cage.

It has been an ongoing thing in our household knowing my wife adores dear Old Nick and any chance there is a movie with him in it my wife does watch. I have no qualms with this because I believe fantasy is a good thing that is as long as it doesn’t determine one’s daily life like it did mine for so long. I will indulge my wife and I really don’t mind Mr. Cage as an actor since most of his movies are filled with action and not to mention have Las Vegas as a backdrop. This was the case with “Next” and overall it wasn’t a bad movie.

We did have difficulty with our DVD player and I think having the DVD player sit in storage for 2 years does not help its playability. Additionally the movies are from Netflix and anything with a scratch seems to exaggerate with our very sensitive DVD player. The playing time of the movie was only an hour and half but with all the delays and freezing it took an additional hour to watch.

Sure it was frustrating but thankfully in my mind I will take these frustrating moments over the moments I had endured a year ago at this time. I do need to be reminded where I have come from and when the DVD froze I had to just shrug my shoulders and say, “ok, it really isn’t so bad”. It really isn’t so bad sitting at home with my family and watching a movie. I missed two years of these and I know I can’t make back that time; I can only make the best of my time. Is getting angry at an inanimate object a good use of my time, probably not!!

This was a Sunday morning where my son didn’t come into our bedroom and instead opted for the couch in the “lounge” so he could watch television. Normally my wife and I watch CBS’ Sunday Morning Program but this was preempted due to the wildfire coverage. We watched a little of the coverage but really there is only so much I can tolerate. The wildfires have been devastating and my heart goes out to everyone involved. I do believe the media makes it more dramatic and seeks out the devastation as opposed to the positive. I know it is difficult to find positive in horrendous situations but I am sure it exists such as the neighbor saving the other neighbor’s house while their own house goes up in flames or the lost dog that is now found. Instead the focus is on “finding the dead bodies”. Anyhow I had enough and headed downstairs to prepare breakfast.

Sundays are pancake or waffle days and today was a pancake day. My family eats a great deal of carbohydrates mostly because I eat a great deal of carbohydrates. I sort of need these because I am very active and could use a little more balance in my dietary requirements. This is why I recently purchased some soy protein not only for me but for the rest of the family. This next statement is a little secret so please keep it to yourself; I placed the protein powder in the pancake mix and no one noticed!! If I had told everyone what I was doing no one would have eaten the pancakes so I decided to be sneaky. The sneakiness worked and instead of a total carbo laced breakfast there were some proteins involved.

My daughter had her end of the softball season party which my wife attended as well. This left my son and I at home. We watched some of the New York Giants football game and then decided to take a bicycle ride or as my son likes to call it “dirt biking”. It was like a summer day so we packed our water bottles and headed out for some “dirt biking”. I have to remind myself that my son is only 7 years old and in spite of his energy level even he has his endurance limits. We started out for a small bicycle ride but I like to explore and we explored the fields around our development. I can see how these wildfires started so quickly because the brush is so dry and this was the case by our development. There weren’t many green parts of the brush and it wouldn’t take much to start an impromptu brush fire in this area. Thankfully this wasn’t the case and we explored for almost two hours. As we were riding our bicycles my son turns to me and says, “This is the best day ever!” He was very serious and I had to agree with him because it was a wonderful day through and through.

As we made our way home my son’s rear tire started to go flat. Apparently during our exploring my son’s tire caught something that made it go flat. We were only a block away from our house when my son could no longer ride his bicycle so we walked the bicycles home. This didn’t deter him because he still had a smile on his face and took it all in stride. We had a wonderful father and son day and I wouldn’t trade any of it!!!

Difference?

I can’t seem to pinpoint the differences between the weeks when I make my long runs. Last week I ran 16 miles and I felt every one of those miles. This week I ran 18 miles and could have run 18 more. I would like to know the difference between these two weeks because there really wasn’t anything significant. I felt great running this morning and my earphones are now conforming to my undersized ears! I don’t seem to have any problems with them staying on and last night I spent most of the night downloading songs to my IPod. I had forgotten how many CD’s I own and I had also forgotten how many CD’s I had made over the years. I found a box full of the homemade and other CD’s and now most of these reside on my IPod.

I am still missing another CD case filled with more CD’s and I look forward to downloading these to my IPod. I now have over 13 hours of music on my IPod and I am learning the system. I can create playlists but I am having a problem with the order of the songs which is sort of important when I am running. I try to stay away from any slow moving songs but on the other hand all of the songs can’t be fast moving songs. There needs to be a balance between moderate to fast songs especially on these long runs. I normally do start off slow and build my running as the miles pass so the music should do the same. I am getting used to having the IPod and today the miles went by so quickly.

This was my last early morning arrival at the gym since the hours change next week. I was speaking with one of the employees and apparently times are tough at the gym as the employees’ hours are being cut as well. I will figure something out in the coming weeks when I need to work out early and I have thought about changing gyms but the price I pay since I have been a member for over 10 years is so good. I guess as long as I can maintain the inexpensive yearly membership I will stay associated with the gym but if for some reason this rate rises I will have to go with an alternate plan.

This was the first Saturday in nearly two months where we didn’t have to attend a softball or baseball game. The season ended earlier this week for my daughter and last week for my son. The spring season actually kicks off in January for both my daughter and son. I was looking at the schedule and that season is very long lasting until June and possibly extending beyond that if either one of our children make the All Star teams. Yes, that is a long way away and we need to concentrate on today and today was a wonderful day. Additionally my son doesn’t have much rest (which is a good thing) since we enrolled him in flag football which commences in a few week s and runs until baseball starts. He needs to be doing something active and it will be cool seeing him on the football field.

We did have plans today that were softball related as my daughter had closing ceremonies for the season. It was a very nice event and it seems like we were just at the opening day ceremonies. The weather felt the same since it was 90 degrees on this mid November day! Thankfully our part of Southern California has been immune (at least for the time being) from the wildfires that are on the news 24 hours a day. It seems that the wildfires are now common place and this year they have occurred much later than years previous. I must admit that when I see the “men in orange” on the news reports I can’t help but to think I was one of those people not too long ago. I do hope everyone remains safe and the winds subside. The devastation is horrible but as long as people survive they will indeed “survive”.

The closing ceremonies were very nice but my daughter is still fighting this bug. She is sick and the sore throat is now manifesting into a cold. There really isn’t much we can do and really only time will make the cold go away. There wasn’t anything keeping her away from the closing ceremonies and even with her being sick her eyes lit up as she saw her teammates. These are the moments where it is all worth it because I love that smile of hers and her eyes are so beautiful. I continue to be blessed with incredible people in my life and my daughter is an incredible person.

"Mean Dad"

I am now known as the “mean Dad” since I showed no mercy to my daughter as she was attempting to complete a project for school. I saw her struggling with the project and asked a few poignant questions such as “when was this assigned?” The response was “Last Friday,” and once I heard that I didn’t exhibit any mercy. My daughter is a wonderful student but she has this habit of putting things off to the last minute in spite of being asked earlier if she had any homework assigned. This was the case last weekend and we were assured there wasn’t any homework. I wanted to teach my daughter a lesson so I told her she had a certain amount of time to complete the project and if she didn’t then she would have to hand it in as incomplete. My wife felt bad for our daughter and did help her with the project so my daughter did get the project done so now I am the “mean Dad”.

My wife couldn’t sit idly by as my daughter struggled so she said that this is the last time she would be helping. I am sure that won’t be the case but it sounded good. I stood by my principles and didn’t help. My daughter may have called me the “mean Dad” but she did say it with a smile on her face. It wasn’t my intention to be mean I just wanted to exhibit to her that there are consequences for all of our actions (as I know firsthand!) and one of those consequences would have been handing in the project incomplete but with my wife’s assistance the project did get finished and all was well.

This morning my daughter wasn’t feeling well once again and was complaining of a sore throat. She did have a fever and her glands seemed normal so it was my suggestion to have her go in and hand in the project and if she didn’t feel well then come home. It was communicated to the parents early in the school year that the school gets paid based on attendance and if at all possible to have the children make it to school for attendance and if there were any doctor’s appointments or other appointments to have them scheduled after roll was taken. I wasn’t sure if my wife was going to make a doctor’s appointment for our daughter so I thought it would be best if she went in this morning. She did make it in but didn’t last long as my wife received a telephone call from the school’s nurse informing us our daughter did not feel well.

She still didn’t have a fever and I suspect she has been fighting something over the past few days and has been exhausted both mentally and physically. She needed another “mental” health day where she could do basically nothing all day long. My daughter does illustrate many similar characteristics to me such as not being able to sleep during the day. I thought she may want to sleep during the day but said she just couldn’t. I do remember during my sentence not wanting and not being able to sleep during the day when most of the other inmates were sleeping. I can’t exactly put my finger on it but I suspect it has something to do with trying to be different from everyone else during that time which wasn’t a very good reason and part of my many character defects. Anyhow my daughter didn’t want to sleep so she spent most of the day reading in her bed.

This morning I did make my way to the gym after the much needed day off. I have officially changed the way in which I work out since returning from my sentence. I am concentrating on running and strengthening my core. I spend a good portion of the workout doing core exercises and I have added non-weight bearing exercises such as elevated push-ups on a Swiss Ball and chin-ups. I do believe these give a very good strength workout and one day during the week I do some dumbbell exercises as well. I like this routine and it does help my running. I must say that my strength has decreased in terms of the amount of overall weight I can lift but my endurance has increased which is what my goal is so I guess I am doing something correctly.

The rest of the day I basically hung out with my daughter as my wife had to run a few errands. I have flexibility in my position where I have enough work to do at home and with the project I am working on I can stay home for several days. I did find out that the company that was supposed to hire my wife won’t be hiring my wife due to economic conditions. This was a bit of shock since we were told a few weeks ago that it was basically a “done deal” but I guess things had changed since that time. Another interesting factor about this is I am doing a fair amount of business with this particular company. I am not a spiteful person and wouldn’t pull our business based on this because that is not who I am. I understand market conditions and if the company is providing me with the best terms and prices I won’t revert to revenge to get back at them. I don’t see the purpose and I do believe in treating people how I would want to be treated which does not involve revenge.

Myopic Mindset

As I looked around the pizza restaurant I found it difficult to believe we are in a recession. The restaurant was packed with families celebrating the end of their respective sport seasons. This particular establishment caterers to the families and is very “kid friendly” complete with the arcade. I doubt very much that they get the walk-in couple out on a date or the husband and wife going out for “date night”. I certainly wouldn’t frequent this place if I didn’t have a family or if I wasn’t celebrating some type of team function yet for Wednesday evening the place was jumping and judging by the prices I would have to say they are weathering the recessionary storm.

Along these same lines there are many restaurants going out of business in the area and I was told by a very reliable source that a person can basically name their price to take over any of these failing businesses. I do believe we are in a time where the “strong shall survive” and the weak will perish. That may sound very Darwinian but it seems to be the nature of the times will live in. I often think that my “fall from grace” did happen a fortuitous time if that even makes any sense. My former workplace had a massive layoff and there were people I had worked with that were let go in spite of their long years of service. The adage of “you never know what tomorrow will bring” rings so try in my opinion which is why living in recovery continues to save my life.

I can’t seem to stick with the training schedule which requires me to run on four consecutive days. I am very good on the three consecutive days but when it comes to days like today my body and mostly my mind are craving a day off from running. I was all set to run this morning having my clothes all lay out but my mind just said, “Not today,” and I listened. This is a very aggressive training session and I am keeping pace but I do need that day off after the third day of running as opposed to the fourth day of running. This is just as well because all I do is trade the off day today and go back to the gym tomorrow.

Taking the morning off allowed me to take the children to school which has now turned into me riding my bicycle with them as they ride their bicycles as well. Basically, I am a bicycle escort and help them lock up their bikes and wish them a fantastic day at school. We live a very quick 3 minute bike ride from the school grounds and if there were a “secret passage” cut behind our house the school is basically across the street but there is no “secret passage” and we have to go all the way around the block which really isn’t that far at all. I am back home in no time and the children are safely off to school. It is strange because we allow our children to ride their bicycles home from school without a parent present yet we seem to have to escort them to school in the morning. It isn’t as if our children would “ditch” school because they are not the type (that is as of now!!) but I guess this is a safety precaution. Anyhow I had the pleasure to escort them to school this morning.

I had an appointment which didn’t require me to depart until after the traffic had subsided since the appointment was about 60 miles away. I do schedule my appointments around the traffic patterns because I would rather drive an hour than sit in traffic for two hours. I spent some quality time with my wife before I departed and oh yes; my wife is still waiting for the “call” about her possible job. This is starting to frustrate me more than my wife because I know the people she would be working for and lately I can’t seem to get a straight answer. I thought everything was a go two weeks ago but ever since I have no idea what is happening. I will chalk it up to those “things I CANNOT control” and will accept whatever happens. If it is meant to be it will be and if not so be it.

I made my way to a very interesting appointment at a fellow recovery center. This particular recovery center was celebrating 23 years in existence and had a very nice reception. The key note speaker was a person who has been in recovery for a number of years and had a long list of accomplishments. This person had their MBA, MD and whole lot of other initials thrown in. The focus was certainly on recovery and the point of incarceration versus recovery was brought into the fold. It was very much on the side of recovery but the general population views this as “soft on crime.” Having been inside the “system” I can say firsthand that the incarceration effect doesn’t seem to work and if there were more programs available the incarceration rate will fall but I also know the money that is made on the side of incarceration which is why the treatment initiatives continue to fail. It isn’t in the best interest of those who have all the money to treat people when more money can be made to lock them away. This is sad and hopefully people such as this speaker will change this myopic mindset.

I met some very good people today and even though I am new to this industry I do feel very comfortable because I understand the language. I may not understand the specific treatment methods as today someone was explaining a few of them and I wondered if the person was actually speaking Greek! I am very good at saying, “Oh, and yes” often when I don’t know the specifics of the words I am hearing. I did my best and hopefully made some very good contacts today because after all that is my job to make personal contacts which will help grow the business. I had a very good day listening and embracing all the blessings in my life.

"Big Sister"/"Little Brother"

It is wonderful watching my daughter and son during the everyday mundane things they do. The other night I watched “big sister” teach “little brother” on the computer. I was mesmerized as big sister took the role of teacher while little brother was more than happy to be the student. These moments are rare where they aren’t saying “get away from me” (this is mostly from big sister not little brother!) or something to that effect. Little brother does look up to his big sister and big sister likes to play off the fact that she abhors her younger sibling but I know the truth; she really does love him. In this little episode they were more than just brother and sister they were bounded (if that makes sense). The bound was very strong and there are so many other episodes like this that I catch big sister really caring about her little brother.

I had tears in my eyes watching these two interact because it was genuine. I can’t predict what the future holds for my children but what I witnessed the other night I am very hopeful they will maintain a relationship over a lifetime because after all you never know when you need a sibling to bail yourself out of jail!!! Yes, that pun was directly intended and I am eternally grateful to both of my sisters. My younger sister was instrumental in bailing me out of jail and my older sister was instrumental in providing a loving and caring environment while I served my term. I love my sisters without condition and hopeful some of this will pass on to my two children.

My daughter was asking if she could “take today off from school” after her softball game last night as sore of celebration even though her team didn’t win the game. I think she was both physically and mentally exhausted after the game and the subsequent season. My wife and I sort of laughed at this request but I did notice something in my daughter’s eyes that exhibited a slight exhaustion. I wasn’t very surprised when my wife telephoned me to inform me that my daughter had come home from school early as she had a slight fever and upset stomach. I am certain this was just her mind overcoming her body because the fever was indeed slight and she was back to normal in no time. She did deserve some extra rest which she garnered this morning and early afternoon. As of this evening she was fine and was fever free.

This morning I made my way to the gym for the usual training regimen and it being a Wednesday meant it was time for an intense session. The intensity was less than last week but still fairly difficult nonetheless. I didn’t struggle as much as last week but I did feel the effects of the training session especially later in the day. I spent the bulk of the day at the office and the fact that I didn’t have lunch made me feel much tired earlier on in the afternoon. I was in the office again for a series of meetings and one was a continuation of the meetings on Monday. Life is very unpredictable but the unpredictability is all for a reason and these meetings mean something what I have no idea!!

I do know that there are some incredible people in my life and as I live in recovery incredible things are happening. I have been given a second chance and I intend to make the most of this second chance but the only way to make the most of this is living a life in recovery. I didn’t know what was recovery was over three years ago and now it is my life. Thank God for this wonderful life and all that has been bestowed upon me.

This evening was the end of the season pizza party for my son’s baseball team. The entire team was in attendance and it was a very nice gathering. The children on the team are very good kids and I was honored to be a part of the season. I met some very good people who are parents of the boys on the team and it was a blast helping out. When the season started there seemed to be some uncertainty whether or not I would be allowed to be a part of the team but as usual everything worked out for the best. I was allowed and did make the best of everything as did my son. He had a wonderful season and it is so great living through the eyes of a 7 year old boy who is so happy. He was in his element tonight with his friends from the team and playing the video games in the pizza place. I continue to be blessed in so many ways and it is an incredible life!