Must Be A Test

Unfortunately, my suspicions were correct because when the ducats were passed out last night I didn’t receive one. Two of my dorm mates received them notifying them of the upcoming Class starting on Monday –by the way, their names did appear on the list. However, there were no ducats for me. Maybe this is yet another one of the many “tests” I have been given on this journey and I sure do wish these would stop because I could do without the excess drama. I am maintaining my positive attitude and I do know everything will work out fine. I didn’t lose any sleep last night due to the pending dilemma. I have gotten into a pattern of getting six hours of sleep (not exactly restful) because two sometimes three times a night the CO’s come in and flash their flashlights to ensure that everyone is present and accounted for. Due to my light sleeping I always wake up when they come through but do not fall back to sleep when they leave.

I have chalked up this latest “test” as something I have no control over. I would like to know what is going on and I will continue to ask questions until I get an answer; however, I am not going to stress over the issue. Something will happen in due time and this “test” just like the other “test” shall pass. I could go on and on and pine away but it is not going to change anything. There is an answer out there and someday I will find it.

Today was early morning yard and I scheduled an exercise routine with one of the instructors. The new instructor has not started yet and he too is waiting for his ducat. He shouldn’t have any conflicts because he just passed the exam on Thursday. He is 24 years old and is in the “normal” category. It is fascinating when I arrived 3 weeks ago, I looked around and didn’t seem to notice any “normal” looking inmates, yet three weeks later, I have found some and am now exercising with them. I guess the old adage of birds of a feather flock together is appropriate and I am happy to have found some of the “birds”. This inmate reminds me of my brother in law on my wife’s side because he is tall and facially resembles my brother in law. It is also fascinating how most people I become friendly with seem to always remind me of someone else. I put him through one my homemade workouts and as we were going on the third rotation, the comment “You’re a machine” was made by him. It was good to workout with someone who just wanted to workout and it was a good change of pace for me.

When I finished the workout, I saw one of the lead instructors and I told him about how I didn’t receive the ducat informing me of the Physical Training Class. He seemed perplexed as well and he did tell me that I should go and talk to the Coach first thing Monday morning. I thought the Coach was on vacation; however, according to the lead instructor because of the new class starting, the Coach will be in. Hopefully, I misunderstood the him earlier this week when he told me about his upcoming vacation schedule. I would like to find out what’s going on by Monday instead of waiting another week. I know there is an explanation I just need to be patient. What I really would like is to start as an instructor on Monday, if I am not in the class as a participant. All I could do is wait and see.

After my conversation, it was time to place my one phone call for the day to my wife. Again, my wife didn’t know I was going to call, but thankfully I did reach her as she was just taking the children to a movie. Both my daughter and son had off from school due to the teacher’s convention. I spoke briefly with my wife who passed the cell phone to my 5-year-old son. I spoke with him and it is truly amazing how good his attitude is. I guess being a happy, healthy 5 year old does have its upside! As we finished our conversation, he was supposed to hand the phone to his 8-year-old sister. However, he inadvertently closed the cell phone thus disconnecting the call. Fortunately, I still had a few minutes left of the 15 minutes so I scrambled to call them back because I knew my daughter would be upset since she didn’t get to talk to me. Just as I thought, as my wife handed her the phone, she was crying because she thought she wasn’t going to talk to me and her brother was being mean to her. Even though both of my children look alike, their personalities are so different. My son is very easy going and just goes with the flow much like his mother. Whereas, my daughter takes everything to heart and is very serious, almost too serious. This is how I was when I was her age, in fact, when I was 9 years old, I developed an ulcer from worrying. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Thank goodness, I spoke with my daughter and was able to calm her down. I knew I didn’t have much time left so I spoke very fast because the last thing I wanted to happen was having the phone call disconnect automatically because my 15 minutes were up. It didn’t disconnect and hopefully she settled down and enjoyed Santa Claus 3. As my wife was in mid-sentence, the phone disconnected. I am beginning to wonder if having these brief phone calls is really a curse. Rarely do I get to say everything I have to and this incident with my daughter today was heart wrenching. When I heard her sad voice, I wanted to reach through the phone and give her a big hug. I am sure my wife did comfort her but moments like these really hurt knowing I am not with them. Having the phone calls is better in spite of the issues I have been having because some contact is much better than no contact (I think).

The call ended abruptly as my wife was speaking and I knew I had to schedule another one for Sunday. This again will be a surprise because I didn’t get the chance to tell her. Hopefully, she is home because on the weekends I don’t have the ability to call her cell phone and I can only reach her at home. If I do start the instructor’s position the only time I will be able to call is late at night. We should set up some type of schedule but the uncertainly still exists. I understand the telephone call procedure is much better at fire camp and by then I will have worked all the issues.

When I finished talking to her, I saw one of the inmates who I have spoken to in the past. The inmate is somewhat normal and comes from a very affluent family which makes him stand out. We talked about drug addiction and recovery. I learned a great deal in this 30-minute dialogue. This inmate has been in the same rehab center 8 times and still has not been able to conquer his drug issue. The more he spoke – he spoke for 28 out of 30 minutes – all I did was nod and ask questions – the more I realized how blessed I am to finally find a program of true recovery. This inmate who seems to have unlimited resources – due to his family’s wealth - received the same sentence as I did yet it was his fourth offense which is all drug related. His family has spent countless dollars trying to assist him and they are still helping even with his countless failures. He did say he wants to get help and stay clean for himself. I asked him why it is different this time and he reiterated that he is only doing it for himself whereas in the past he was doing it for everyone but himself. Hopefully, he does mean this and he gets the help he needs. This will have to wait another 18 months until his release date because unfortunately there aren’t any programs of recovery in this particular prison facility.

The conversation was very fascinating and enlightening even though I didn’t say much. It’s amazing how much I learn by keeping my mouth shut and my eyes and ears open. God knows I don’t have all the answers especially when it comes to recovery, but I am willing to learn each and everyday. Today just like all the other days, I learned something about myself and continue to try my very best. Sure there have been some “tests” along this journey but there is nothing I cannot handle because I do trust God’s plan because it is working very well.

Scratching My Head

As it turns out my lamenting about not being able to make a telephone yesterday was all for naught. At 10:00 am (10 minutes before my scheduled telephone call) the CO gave our dorm an unlock because the gate was open. I raced over toward the telephones and was able to place my phone call to my wife. My sister did relay the message to my wife regarding the telephone call. I was very relieved to call her. We did get to speak; however, just like the other times we were unceremoniously cut off as I was telling my wife something. It was a very good phone call in fact, anytime I do speak with my wife, it is always a good thing!

It is funny how things turn out because as I raced outside, to make the phone call, the weather was not exactly conducive to jogging. It had been raining for an hour or so and the temperature dropped into the 50’s. I was so happy to hear the unlock that I dropped my pen and paper (of course I was writing all this time) and now ran outside in my shorts and tee shirt. I didn’t realize how cold it was until I was finished with the phone call. I did want to get in a few laps but fortunately I do know better because I was ill-equipped to jog in this weather so I decided to go back inside the dorm. It appears I am finally learning that it is better to be prepared when exercising in bad weather because injuries could occur. Am I actually getting smarter with age? Na, probably not!!

I just received a copy of the Los Angeles Times article by Ashley Powers which my mother sent. The title is “A Gambler with a Disorder, or Just a Plain Old Thief?” First off, Ms Powers spent a great deal of time on this article. I first met her soon after I was bailed out of the county jail. My wife and I had several lunch and breakfast meetings with her. She was very professional throughout the entire process. She always took notes and contacted family and friends for additional insight. I was getting concerned that the article would not be published because quite frankly my “news cycle” ended with my sentence on July 12th.

I read the article and found it to be well-written in a very professional journalist manner. The way in which the article concluded makes me think the answer to the question in the title is “plain old thief”. I do agree that I am a thief because I took something that was not mine which is the definition of a thief. However, I guess my “fantasy” is thinking we as a society are beyond simple labels and simple solutions. In my opinion, (for whatever it is worth) human beings are complex and there is more to a person that meets the eye. Certainly I was judged on my negative actions; however, the positive actions did not enter the equation such as being a husband, father, son, and devoted to my recovery. I stole so I should be punished is the simple way to think about my case and to conclude the article this way is very disappointing.

Ms Powers appeared to present both sides – the victim and mine – of the case; however, there were no actual quotes from the victim nor is there mentioned whether or not she tried to contact them. Whether this makes any difference whatsoever, who knows, but it seems curious that there isn’t a mention of this. Also, there is a quote from the judge that I didn’t remember the one about being addicted to beautiful women and fast cars, but I guess my mind was preoccupied when I heard the first part. Also, there is a quote associated with my father but I would swear that the Probation Officer said the same thing. At the very least, the article was published and it does display the power of gambling addiction – excuse or not. Now the issue can be put to rest and frankly reading the article brought back some very unpleasant memories and now I like to focus on positive thoughts which is being with my family for a lifetime.

The scratching of my head started very early this morning while I was sitting in the dining hall for breakfast. As I was sitting there I saw the lead instructor walk past my table. When he saw me, he immediately asked if I received the ducat from the Coach so I could start my new position as the instructor. Before I get to my answer, I must give a little background on this lead instructor. For whatever reason he and I have hit it off very well and we have spoken every time one of the classes finished. He was the one who told me about the protein shakes which are prescribed by the doctor. I would certainly categorize him as very normal and very committed to exercising. He is in great shape and his resting heart rate of 44 beats per minute rivals mine. I have been looking forward to working with him as soon as we met. Now back to my reply which was, “No, I haven’t received the ducat.” He seemed to just shake his head in disbelief and said he would look into it. I wasn’t sure what to make of this because I didn’t expect to start the position until next week at the earliest. So I somewhat thought it to be a positive sign.

I returned from breakfast and was changing into my workout clothes when I was summoned to the door by a fellow dorm mate. I went to the door and saw the other lead instructor standing there. He also asked me if I received the ducat form the Coach. Again my answer was “No” and he said that was strange because the Coach sent it out on Tuesday. He said he would follow up with the coach right now. Again I was somewhat scratching my head but I did think this was very positive because obviously the Coach wanted me to start.

After I was finished getting dressed, I was hoping to get out into the yard this morning even though it was not our tier’s morning yard. I was able to convince the CO to let me out so I could take the training class. I so wanted to get out because this was the most difficult class of the week. In fact, it is exactly like the test I took last Friday. I was a few minutes late but I only missed some warm-ups. I was able to complete the class just like last week but it was still difficult. It’s so difficult that the instructors take turns during the three rotations and they use three different instructors in order to keep them fresh. The class was over and I saw the Coach with one of the lead instructors and went over to them. The Coach didn’t understand why I didn’t receive the ducat because he did indeed send it on Tuesday. He told me he was going to find out why I haven’t received it but he had a few things to do this morning and he should know by this afternoon. I thanked him and ran 5 miles after the class.

I made it back to the dorm after my run and patiently waited for the yard to open in the afternoon. Again, this would have been a perfect time for a Powerbar, but I settled for a banana. The yard did open in time and I went outside for the afternoon training class. As I was walking toward the class, I didn’t see the Coach and was a little disappointed. As soon as I arrived the lead instructor came over to me and said he knows why I didn’t receive the ducat. Anxiously I asked why. He went on to tell me according to what the Coach ascertained, I didn’t receive it because I am on the list for the next Physical Firefighting Training Class and even when someone who is becoming an instructor, the computer automatically voids the ducat. He told me I am on the list which should be posted in an hour. I had a very hard time believing this because according to all the information I received, I am currently not medically cleared so I again was vigorously scratching my head. Also, I still need some information from the county in order to clear up a misunderstanding on my paperwork which I thought would also delay me getting into training class. However, the lead instructor was adamant I was in the class which is preventing me from becoming an instructor. I said, “Okay” and waited very patiently for the list to be posted.

I do try to keep a positive attitude each and everyday. But when it comes to issues regarding my case, I am somewhat jaded based on past experiences. I was really having a difficult time believing that I was in the class because it was way too soon and nothing seems to happen quickly in my case. If I were truly in the class, it would be ahead of schedule and a mixed blessing. In one way it is good because it means I can get to a fire camp much quicker than I imagined. In another way, it is bad because it means I won’t become an instructor which is really what I want to do. But getting to an actual camp as quickly as possible outweighs anything else because it means I will be back with my family that much quicker. Of course, there is something else which has entered my mind that I am being denied both the class and the instructor due to my pending medical clearance. This would be a very large disappointment but according to the lead instructor the medical clearance has nothing to do with me becoming an instructor. Boy, am I very confused at this point!

After the afternoon class was finished, the list for the training class was posted. I went over to check the list. As I suspected my name wasn’t there. As soon as I realized this I went back over to the lead instructor. I told him my name wasn’t there and said, “Now what?” He told me there are eight people who are not on the list who should be because 8 people graduated from the class which opened up 8 new slots. However, due to timing issues, these names didn’t make the list and we should all be receiving out ducats this evening.

If anyone is confused, welcome to the club! The information gets even more unclear –if that is possible – when I received the summary of my classification hearing. On this summary it states I am cleared for fire camp. It does mention the letter of inquiry sent to the county and my medical regarding the EKG results. Nowhere does it mention I am NOT cleared for fire camp. So I am completely baffled and now I have to sit and wait until later tonight when the Physical Firefighting Class ducats are handed out. I am probably being pessimistic but I do not expect to receive this ducat and the Coach will be on vacation starting tomorrow for one week. So I will have to wait at least a week for some answers. As George Costanzo’s father said, “SERENITY NOW!”

Best Laid Plans

I’m beginning to think it is a conspiracy against me because it seems anytime I have a telephone call scheduled I can’t seem to place the call. This is different from the other times when I was not allowed out into the yard in the evening. Today as I came back from breakfast I overheard one of my dorm mates mention that there will not be any yard this morning. I have learned a few things since coming to prison almost four months ago and one of those things is not to believe anything another inmate says and to always find out what is the truth by myself. As soon as I heard the no morning yard comment I thought, oh great, another day goes by that I can’t speak with my wife but I still had hope because I had not corroborated this information.

The C/O came over and gave us the unlock from breakfast and as each one of us went back into the dormitory he told us that there won’t be any yard or any inspection today. Apparently inspections occur either on Tuesday or Wednesday weekly depending on the morning yard schedule and today’s inspection has been cancelled until next Tuesday. More importantly than the inspection is not getting out into the yard so I could make the 10:30am telephone call to my wife. Which by the way when I was speaking to my sister yesterday, I did ask her if she could call my wife and tell her I would be calling her at this time so she could be available. Now the time will come and go without me contacting her. Hopefully she won’t be concerned because I did mention to her that there would be times that even though I have a scheduled telephone call I may not be able to actually place that call. I thought this would happen in the evening but I am realizing there are so many variables completely out of my control that I must accept the fact that it will be at least another few days before I try and call my wife.

I certainly don’t like the fact that the yard will be closed this morning because not only does it mess up my telephone call it messes up my workout schedule. I was just getting into a groove and was looking forward to working out this morning. I was extremely surprised when I woke up this morning that my legs were not sore. I had a very solid workout yesterday and I was expecting some soreness but I have very little. I did not plan on running this morning but I wanted to do some upper body exercises. Hopefully I will be able to get out this afternoon when they let the upper tier out into the yard; otherwise I may go into withdrawals from missing a day of exercising. That was a joke and it is quite funny how my first 30 days on this journey while I was in the county jail I did no aerobic exercises at all. Now I am doing it six days a week. Those first 30 days went by so very slowly and now my time is going by much faster. There is something in being active which makes the days go by faster.

Another one of he things I have learned wile in prison is to be flexible in so many different ways. Yes, my plans were very well laid out but due to circumstances way beyond my control I must deviate from those plans. I certainly do not like the fact that my wife is waiting by a telephone for my phone call that will never come and I have no way of reaching her to let her know. Hopefully she does understand and sometime this weekend (God willing) I will be able to actually speak with her. I do feel I am being rude by not calling her and it does bother me no matter how much I accept the fact that it is out of my control. That wonderful serenity prayer sure does come in handy and I believe I have recited it at least a million times so far! I must remember this situation is only temporary and it is much better than not having the opportunity to speak with my wife.

Now my plans for today have changed. I did plan on attending the morning yard session; working out and making my telephone call. This is not going to happen so I have taken this morning (instead of this afternoon) to catch up on my letter writing. On Monday I received 8 pieces of mail from 6 different people and I need to write everyone back. I received a piece of mail dated September 8th which was sent to the reception center and was forwarded to me on Monday. This piece of mail took 2 MONTHS to reach me. It was properly addressed so I have no idea why it took so long to reach me. It was sent from Southern California so it shouldn’t have taken this long but for whatever reason it has. I also know there seems to be a delay on me receiving out of the country mail (sorry Ann!) which takes an inordinate amount of time to reach me. So, if someone has sent me a letter and hasn’t heard back from please be patient because I do respond to everyone and there are circumstances beyond my control at work, sorry.

If it weren’t for writing I would not know what to do on days like today. I guess I could read, watch TV or listen to my CD radio player. I do enjoy reading when I have a good book but because I have read so many books in the past four months I am getting selective with my choices. I did enjoy “Deception Point” by Dan Brown because it moved so quickly almost too quickly. Mr. Brown took the James Patterson approach to 3 to 4 page chapters and for whatever reason the book moved along nicely. This maybe a psychological ploy but I enjoy the small chapters as opposed to the lengthy chapters employed by some authors. “Deception Point” was 735 pages (soft cover version) and in my opinion could have gone on another 200 pages. The back end of the story was wrapped very quickly and in my opinion there was more of a story to tell. Be that as it may the book was good not as good as “DaVinci Code” or “Angels and Demons” but it was a very good read.

I could watch television with the inmates in the TV area (which by the way must be at least 90 degrees in there because even though the temperature outside is approaching 80 degrees the heat hasn’t turned off in a week. It truly feels like a sauna and over the past two days the heat is now permeating the bunk areas of the remaining 32 inmates which include me. Las night with the temperature in the low 50’s outside I sleep without any covers due to the heat) but there selection of morning television shows i.e. Andy Griffin show, Saved by the Bell, and Little House on the Prairie is not something I wish to watch. Then there is my CD Radio player which receives exactly one radio station and I have no CD’s. The radio station does come in quite clear and is a Pop station which means there are some songs I recognize and some I do not. I have listened to it and it really isn’t so bad for a few minutes. Also, in the evening I can pickup some AM Talk News radio stations but I have to hold the CD player in a certain position or I loose the station. I was able to hear the election results last night which was very nice. This may seem as if I am complaining but I am not. I am fortunate to have the CD/Radio player because there are inmates who have nothing. I am not sure of the process for receiving CD’s but I believe hey must come from approved catalogue companies just like the packages. This is a shame because I have so many homemade CD’s which my wife could send me but this does not appear to be an option I could borrow CD’s from my fellow dorm mates but those that have CD’s I am not that friendly with and their collection is not exactly my type (rap music). I did hear someone playing a Beatles and Rolling Stones CD but I don’t feel comfortable asking to borrow it.

Thank God for my writing. It is wonderful to communicate with my family and friends. Last night I was writing a few letters which I started after dinner around 6:30 pm and when I looked at my watch it was 10:00 pm and I hadn’t put down the pen. Writing is certainly therapeutic and a valuable tool to make the days go by faster. I am so blessed to receive so much mail and to have a wonderful family and wonderful friends. All of my dormitories are impressed by the volume of mail I receive and invariably when I am in my bunk I am always writing. It is difficult finding privacy in the dormitory, in fact, it is next to impossible. My “neighbors” live three feet on either side from me and my “Bunkie” is three feet above me. There are six inmates (including me) in a six foot area. The only place for me to write is on my bunk and I often get interrupted by other dorm mates who come over and want to talk. I have found that it is much better to write either in the morning (which I am doing right now) when everyone is asleep or in the late afternoon before dinner when everyone is preoccupied with something else. Whatever the case writing is another one of the pieces of my recovery puzzle along with the GA Program ad exercising. All these things get me through the day a much better person.

Of course there are times no matter how much I do these things that I miss my family terribly. My mother was kind enough to send me pictures of my children in their Halloween costumes. My daughter looked so pretty as the “Jazzy witch” and my son looked so handsome as Darth Vader. Each time I receive pictures of them I see how fast they are growing up and I want to get back to the as quick as possible. I do want to get to an actual fire camp quickly in order to get back to my family sooner. However, I do know there are circumstances beyond my control (again!) which are delaying this process. The prison system needs some paperwork from the county for my file and I still need to do an echocardiogram-gram and stress test. I was happy because yesterday I received a slip from the medical department saying I was cleared for al work activities and I still needed these two tests in order to be cleared for fire camp. The only thing I can do is to stay on top of these issues which I will. I will do everything in my power to ensure my fire camp eligibility requirements are processed in a timely manner. This is the only thing I can do and hopefully within a matter of months I will be placed into a fire camp. God does have a plan for me and I am patiently following this plan in order to have a magnificent life.

Election Day - 2006

Yes, last night I did eat the Salisbury Steak (oh my!) which should be called “Salisbury Soy”. The soy or meat (if you will) could not be tasted because it was drenched n mushroom sauce (probably by design). It was definitely soy in spite of the obvious attempt of masking its flavor with the mushroom gravy. I was full from dinner for the first time since the pizza and pasta night some 2 ½ months ago back at the reception center.

I have mentioned this before that I eat to live not live to eat but it is getting more difficult as my exercise increases to obtain the necessary calories not to fade away. I know I won’t fade away no matter what; however, I do want to sustain my energy over the course of the day. I do need to order more food from one of the catalogue companies because I cannot rely on prison food to carry me through the day with all the working out I seem to be doing. I have gone through one of the catalogues and believe it or not they seem to have food I can eat. The only way for me to “cook” something is through the hot pot with boiling water and the foods in this catalogue are only prepared this way. I have figured out a way to receive another package before December 31st (quarter cut-off) and I will be making this order very soon.

Speaking of working out today - it was a full workout day. Today represented our tier’s afternoon yard but I wanted to get out in the morning so I could take the training class while the “Coach” was present. I don’t want him to forget about me so the only way to not be pushy is to attend as many of the training classes as possible while he is present. This did not work out so well because Tuesday morning yard is mandatory for all inmates on that particular tier. It is mandatory because the C/O’s do inspection of the dorms and they need everyone out of the dormitory. Yes, we have inspections every other Tuesday. This means the dorm must be cleaned and the bunks must be made and tidy. There can be no lines of any type hanging from the bunks. Remember these are the “clotheslines” I need to dry my clothes which must be washed everyday. Also, there can be nothing under the bunk and nothing on top of the locker. We also must clean behind the lockers and underneath the bunk. Fortunately, everyone in my dormitory is conscientious and abides by these rules. Once the inspection is complete the clotheslines go back up and things are placed on the lockers then in two weeks the inspection process is repeated. Due to the inspection of the upper tier dorms, the C/O was unavailable to provide an “unlock” for me so I could make the training class. This came 10 minutes after the class started.

I was able to get outside but because I was 10 minutes late I did not want to disturb the training class. Instead of working out I started to jog just like I did on Sunday.

When I started jogging I had intentions of doing 8 miles but once I got to 8 miles I decided to proceed to 10 miles. Just like Sunday I did run 10 miles but a little slower because there were so many inmates on the yard (due to the mandatory kick out) I had to keep dodging people as I ran. Yes, there is a track which circles the yard but many inmates choose to walk, talk, and hang-out on the track. It did get frustrating especially by the “store” area which spills out onto the track. Today was the first day for “store” and many inmates were hanging out in this area mostly looking for hand outs from inmates coming back from the store. Incidentally, I will have to wait at least another week to attend the “store” because the money I had on my books at the reception center has not been transferred. This process can take up to 30 days. This is another one of the things I don’t understand because no matter what prison I came from it is still in the California Prison system. I guess it is a decentralized system as opposed to a centralized one, oh well.

It was very congested in this area as it was on many other parts of the track. As I was running I did see the “Coach” and he saw me. When I ran by him he gave me a smile and a nod of encouragement. At the very least he did recognize me (thankfully because after all I did speak with him only yesterday!). Also, as I was running I came in contact with an inmate I know and when I ran by him he asked me something. When I run I dislike stopping and talking especially when I reach the “zone”. I have been this way for a very long time and it is certainly not isolated in here. When this inmate asked me if he could ask me something, instinctively I said, “No” but when he said he needed help with something I went back toward him. I apologized and he asked me to help him out with something. This was a minor something and didn’t need to be done right then and there. I agreed and went back to my run. As it turns out he didn’t need my help because his minor dilemma worked itself out. I do need to be mindful of where I am at all times. This would seem simple because I live in this place every day however, when I really start exercising I do shut down my surroundings. Need to let a “little light” in and not be so rude or it will get me into trouble.

I finished the 10 mile run and I didn’t want to do anymore because I knew I was going to workout this afternoon. I went back into the dormitory to change my sweaty clothing. Thankfully, in my package I ordered enough workout gear so I could wash my morning workout attire and have something to wear in the afternoon. I washed my clothes during this period as a matter of necessity because I didn’t want it to pile up later. As I was washing a few dorm mates came over to me and asked how far I ran and I told them. I am not sure if they think I am some kind of exercise freak or what but they all seem to shake their heads in disbelief when I tell them how far I ran. One did tell me that I was his idol and he was somewhat serious. Whatever the case I don’t flaunt it and try to play off my exercising as much as possible.

During this break between workout sessions it would have been a perfect opportunity to enjoy a protein bar. I did not want a full lunch because I knew I was going to workout in the afternoon but I needed something. I had to settle for the mini pretzels we were given in our lunches which astonishingly did the trick and curbed my hunger. I think I was just very happy to have a pretzel even though it was a one once bag.

It was now time for afternoon yard and the training session. Unfortunately the “Coach” was not there, but the other instructors were present. The class felt a little more difficult than usual (maybe it was the 10 miles this morning?) but I did get through it. After the 30 minute class I still needed to do something else to kill time before my 3:00 pm telephone call. I decided to do one hour of the “step-ups” exercise. This is a good exercise because I can actually be civil to other people around me and continue the exercise without stopping. I did converse while doing this exercise with a few inmates I know. As I was talking to them I could see the looks in their eyes toward me as I was sweating all over the place. Again, I am sure the word “freak” could be used but as we talked, one of the inmates (whom I know) mentioned he word “idol”. This was the second time today someone mentioned this word. I have no idea how much credence I can put in this word but I am doing what comes naturally and hopefully with my words of encouragement some of my freakiness will rub off. Of course I could get a big head from these comments but hopefully this won’t happen and I will remain grounded.

I finished my workout in time for my 3:00 pm telephone call. I attempted to call my wife but there was no answer on her cell phone or home telephone. I then tried to reach my mother but again no answer. So I tried to reach my younger sister and I did connect with her. Unfortunately, I used half of my 15 minutes trying to reach my wife and mother. I had little time to speak with my sister. In this brief conversation it was great to hear her voice. She always sounds so upbeat and positive. We didn’t talk about much but she did tell me about the Los Angeles Times article which appeared last week. I wasn’t sure if this article was actually going to get published because I thought my news cycle had ended almost four months ago. According to my sister my mother sent me a copy which I haven’t received yet. It will be interesting to read this story because the reporter who wrote this spent a great deal of time with my wife and me. I am sure many of you have already read the article and I am interested in what everyone thought.

The brief telephone call with my sister ended so fast but we did have a chance to say our goodbyes and that we loved and missed each other. It was great speaking with her because my telephone calls to her will be few and far between (due to the difficulty of placing telephone calls) for the next few months so every conversation is precious.

I finished the telephone call and it was just about time to head inside. There was still 45 minutes left of yard time and 30 minutes until the unlock. As I stood outside the dormitory and basked in the sun (the temperature hit 78 degrees today but felt much warmer in the bright sunshine). I thought about today being Election Day and how for the first time since I became of age (18) to vote that I didn’t cast a vote. The past few years my wife and I would go to the polling place together and perform our civic duty. I always had pride in this day and I won’t go into a political discussion but I will say I was always proud to be an American on Election Day. However, due to my indiscretions I lost my right to vote. Yet another one of the many consequences I brought onto myself. I never thought I would actually become ineligible to vote but now I have. I believe my lost right is only temporary at least in California because once I complete my parole term of 13 months I will regain this privilege. Voting to me is not a right but a privilege, I never realized this until today because I lost that privilege and if I keep working my recovery I can regain this. Finally I do have my fingers crossed for a very dear friend who is running for office today, I do wish him the very best.

Headphones

After the “chicken transaction” was complete and my soup was made I didn’t feel like doing much of anything except for watching the football game on television. As I sat down next to a member of the dorm who just joined us on Saturday, I put on my new headphones in order to hear the television. This new dorm member looked around at everyone who had headphones and back at me; he asked me how he could get a pair. This seeed like a very innocent question; however, this dorm mate was of another race and I didn’t know how to answer the question properly. Fortunately, another dorm mate answered his question which was to see if he could borrow headphones from a member of his race. Unfortunately, for this inmate no one of his race had headphones to lend him. He was very disappointed when he heard this news.

I was disappointed because this dorm mate who resides two bunks down from me and who is an older gentleman (probably in his late 50’s) has been extremely nice to me since his arrival. In fact, as he was lying down in his bunk he saw me standing by my locker and when he saw me he let out a big smile and said, “You’re the guy who is always running outside”. Please keep in mind I have never seen this inmate until he moved into my dorm on Saturday. I sheepishly said, “Yes, that is me running around the track.” Then we proceeded to get into a discussion about running and exercising. He then told me he wants to start running because “I make it look too easy.” As soon as he said this I could feel chills running down my back (these were GOOD chills) and I said “Thank you and if you need any help please let me know.” I thought to myself do I really make it look easy and am I being an influence on other inmates because of my actions certainly without trying. Whatever the case this conversation made me feel very good because I am doing the right things and I am a good person.

Getting back to the beginning of the headphones story; I was certainly disappointed to learn this dorm mate was not going to receive headphones. I have an extra pair in my locker since I received my portable CD on Sunday. (By the way the portable CD comes with “ear buds” – essentially dual earphones without the headpiece which sit directly in the ears – me having smallish ears, the ear buds are a little large so it takes some adjusting to get them to stay in my ears but they are much better than the other pair which short out often.) I know offering this dorm mate my extra headphones would be against the inmate “rules” so I kept my mouth shut.

All night I was dwelling on how absurd it is that I cannot give this inmate something because of the “rules”. As I have written before I was going to practice good sense in situations like these because I have witnessed these “rules” being broken from time to time. I went to sleep still thinking about this – obviously for some reason this really bothered me but I knew I couldn’t put myself in jeopardy no matter how badly I felt. As usual I woke up around 6:00am and did my normal routine. I went into the television area to watch the morning news and I saw the “headphone less” dorm mate standing near his bunk. I noticed that everyone around him were either asleep or away from their bunk. When I noticed this I immediately went back to my locker (which was five feet away) and pulled out my extra set of headphones. I quickly checked one more time to see if anyone was looking (which they were not) and tapped this dorm mate on the shoulder. As he turned around I said “Here, these are for you” and handed him the headphones. I took him a little off guard because he had just woken up and certainly didn’t expect this. He took the headphones and said “thank you”. This took all of three seconds and I felt so much better. No one saw this and I believe I did practice good sense even though I broke one of the rules. Maybe if I didn’t have the running/exercise discussion with this inmate I probably would not have thought much about the headphone issue but I did and I did what I thought was right.

As I was returning back to the dormitory from breakfast this morning I saw the “Coach” and the lead Instructor. I needed to give them my information so they could get me on the list to become an Instructor. Fortunately I had this all written out and in my pocket so I made my way over to them. I gave them my information and the “Coach” told me there was one position open right now and three coming up very soon. He is finishing the current physical training class tomorrow so he doesn’t want to bring anyone on this week but a new class starts next Monday. He should be able to bring one person on next week and possibly bring me on the following week. We did talk about my status and he was concerned that once I was cleared that I would be placed into a training class right away. I told him about my paperwork delay and he said that could hold me up for 30 days but after that I could be ready to go into a class. Apparently, inmates with my status whether it is A1A or A1U are getting into classes very fast. This is good because it means I can get to fire camp faster but it is bad because the “Coach” doesn’t want to bring someone on only to have them leave in a month. Right now I am not too sure on when or if I will start as an Instructor. I should have a better picture of this next week, but whatever the case I do need those clearances so I can get to fire camp as quickly as possible.

I attended the training class which is given every morning and afternoon for those inmates preparing for the physical training class. No matter what happens I will continue attending this class because I need to stay present with all the instructors and the “Coach”. There is one particular Instructor who I have been somewhat friendly with and he was telling me about how the doctor has prescribed an energy drink for him because of all the working out he does and it is helping him maintain his weight. This would be something I need to talk to the doctor about and if I could get this it would be a great supplement to my vegetarian diet.

This week is a big week for dinner for me because tonight they are serving Salisbury steak. This is not actually steak it is soy. This is just like eating a soybean burger (aka Boca burger) so I can truly eat the entire meal. Also on Wednesday dinner is my favorite, pizza and pasta in a marinara sauce. I have had this meal only once in the reception center because I was transferred this day before it was served again. Apparently the pizza and pasta meal is served twice a month which is another little thing for me to look forward to. Wow, twice in one week I don’t have to give or trade away any of my dinner, I would call that a good week!

"Chicken Transaction"

Yesterday evening I was all prepared to go out and take in the night portion of our tier’s yard. I had an 8:45 pm telephone call scheduled in order to speak with my wife. The C/O opened (also known as unlocked) our door. I walked outside, presented my identification card to the C/O, he checked against his list and told me I was ineligible to participate in the evening yard. This has happened once before (incidentally also when I had a telephone call scheduled, I smell a conspiracy, only joking) but that was prior to me completing the classification hearing. I was ineligible to participate in the evening yard because (according to the computer printout) my status is AIU which means I have full privileges but I am unassigned, thus being ineligible for the evening yard. (I guess “full” privileges doesn’t include evening yard!) According to my classification hearing and my counselor I was supposed to be A1A – (full privileges with an assignment) on the next computer printout. I wonder what my actual status really should be.

When the C/O told me to go back into the dormitory I tried to explain to him about how I was told at my classification hearing that my status was A1A. However, the C/O didn’t want to hear any part of it and told me I needed to speak with my counselor to get the situation rectified. I certainly did not argue and went back into the dormitory very disappointed. This is the second time I was rebuffed from going into the yard in the evening and both times I could not make my scheduled telephone call. I so look forward to speaking with my wife and I haven’t spoken to her since Wednesday. Now it will have to wait until at least Tuesday. I need to schedule a telephone call today in order to speak with her. I was able to secure a 3:00 pm time to call her on Tuesday. Hopefully I will be able to reach her.

Having the opportunity to make only one 15 minute telephone call is sometimes very frustrating. There are three sign-up periods per day at 11:00 am (morning yard), 1:00 pm (afternoon yard) and 8:00 pm (evening yard). I can only schedule one telephone call per day and some days I have a previous commitment so I can not attend the sign up period which makes me wait for another day. This delays the process at least three days. I hadn’t scheduled any telephone calls up until Saturday morning. I couldn’t make this call so the next telephone call I have is on Tuesday which will mark 7 days since I last spoke with my wife. It makes it very difficult to call anyone other than my wife. Also, when I start the instructor position I cannot attend the morning and afternoon sign up periods so any options are very limited to only the weekend. Presumably I will clear up my status so at least I can sign up in the evenings (albeit every other day). Obviously this telephone call sign up and actually getting to the telephone is a work in progress. However, it certainly beats the alternative of not being able to make a telephone call like it was at the reception center. At the very least I should be able to speak with my wife once a week.

I woke up this Sunday morning knowing I was not going to be able to get outside into the yard in the morning because it was our tier’s turn for afternoon yard. This was fine because yesterday I did a great deal of writing to my wonderful friends and family members. I needed a break from writing and I wanted to finish my book “Deception Point” by Dan Brown. I got 10 pages of reading in when the C/O came in and told me I had a package I needed to pick up. Instantly I was confused because I picked up my package yesterday. I mentioned this to the C/O and he too was perplexed. He made a telephone call to verify the package pick up and I did indeed have an electronics package to pick up. Every inmate is allowed to receive one package per quarter; however, there are exemptions such as special orders from the approved catalogue companies like radios, boom boxes and portable CD players. My mother was kind enough to order me a portable AM/FM CD player and this is what I was picking up. Incidentally I am not sure on the rules for CD’s and books as to whether or not this counted toward my one quarterly package. Sometimes the rules are a little unclear, hopefully, my wife or mother will be able to ascertain the rules on the prison’s website.

I was quite impressed the C/O came to me and when he figured out I truly had a package I was let out of the dormitory right away. I went directly over to the package pick up area and was immediately granted access through the gate. I waited 10 minutes and received my CD player. I went directly back to the dormitory, however, I waited an hour and a half to get back to the dorm because the C/O was nowhere to be found, so much for finishing my book this morning. I sat outside and fortunately it was a beautiful morning. I did speak with an inmate whose job is to keep the outside area of the dorm clean. I have got to stop asking other inmates how much time they have remaining on their sentence. (Actually this is a very common topic between prisoners and it is not an “out of bounds” question.) Every time I ask this question (which has not been a lot) the inmate I am speaking with tells me they have 5 years or more remaining. When I hear this my 20 months remaining seems very small. I have to remember I am on the level 2 yard and inmates here (other then me it seems) have much more time than I expected. The release dates these inmates talk about are in 2011 and beyond. I do consider myself very fortunate to only have the 20 months which will be reduced further when I get to fire camp but I do feel bad for some of these inmates. Don’t get me wrong I have spoken to a few inmates who definitely need to be incarcerated for this period of time and more. However; more often than not I do empathize with the inmates.

I finally received the unlock to get back into the dormitory. Now it was time to get ready to go out for yard in the afternoon. I was ready for a good run this afternoon and like I mentioned earlier the weather was magnificent. I was ready because my new watch (by the way I think it is a woman’s watch because it is very small, in fact it barely fits my wrist and I don’t have very fat wrists, anyway it serves its purpose and I don’t care how it looks, it works very well for me) is equipped with a stopwatch and now I could start timing my runs. Initially I was going to run 8 miles which equals 24 times around the track, but when I finished the 24th lap I was feeling very good so I decided to do an additional 6 laps so I could run 10 miles. I do seem to get a great deal of attention when I am running (why, I am not sure). In fact, many inmates who I don’t know yell out to me as I am going around the track and ask me “How many laps have you done”? When I say 26 or anything over 12 the response seems to be the same, “Damn! I wish I could do that many”. I do get a kick out of this but I keep on running. While I was doing these laps a few inmates attempted to run with me and no one made it more than 2 laps. I do like the fact that the other inmates are trying and I always encourage them; however, when I am in my “zone” (like I was today) I won’t slow down. This might be selfish but this is my workout and when I start the instructor position I will be more than happy to help these inmates but now this is my time especially on the weekends.

I did have a very good run and felt no twinges in my chest whatsoever which is a good thing. The more I recreate my chest “ailment” the more I am convinced it is a muscle in the upper chest itself not the heart. I am sure I injured the muscle while I was working out in the reception center. I have since cut way back on the push ups and chest workouts and it does seem to be healing. Not related to my chest ailment my speed (for lack of a better term) while I am running has come down considering my past times. Today I averaged 7 minutes and 30 seconds a mile having completed the 10 miles in a little over one hour and 15 minutes. In the past I used to be faster but it is not so bad for an “old guy”!

After finishing the run I did 30 minutes of what is called “step ups”. This is a very simple low impact exercise which is performed on a two foot wall and to perform it you take your right foot “step up” onto the wall, bring your left foot up bring that onto the wall then step down with the right foot followed by stepping down with the left up and then repeating the process. After finishing 15 minutes with the right leg I switched to the left leg for an additional 15 minutes. I did this last week and I could really feel it in my calves and when I can feel sore from an exercise I usually like that exercise. It was a great way to cool down from the 10 mile run.

It is odd because when I am exercising/running I am able to put my mind in a different place. Actually I am able to shut off my mind for the time I am exercising which comes in handy here. I have been exercising regularly for over 16 years and in the last 4 I have gotten serious with training for marathons. The more I think about it the more I know it was not coincidence my evil doing and marathon training occurred at the same time. What is helping me get through this horrible time away from my family actually hurt me get through that bad almost 2 year period of lying, cheating and stealing. As is the case now when I exercise I block everything out which I did during that period. I guess on the upside my exercising kept me from going completely crazy and probably saved my life as it is doing right now along with my recovery.

After exercising for almost two hours it was time to come in and shower. I was not fortunate enough to be one of the first ones in so I had to wait. I was able to wash my new workout attire in the sink and I was a “hit” as I walked around in my briefs otherwise known as “tighty-whiteys”. There are 35 other guys in this dorm and most of them walk around in there boxers and I was not going to change into my boxers before I showered so I had to walk around in my briefs (which is my preferred under garment when I am running, as if anyone cares!!) until I was able to shower. It felt good to exercise in my own clothes and no matter how much I resent the fact that I cannot use a washing machine and dryer I still have to wash my workout wear.

After finally getting into the shower and having shaved for the second consecutive (this has not occurred in over 3 ½ months) day I felt like a new man. I was able to use my new body wash which was a welcomed relief from the bars of soap I have been using. My skin was no longer dry and scaling like it was from the soap bars. Also the scent of aloe almost gave me new life (oh! the little things!). I certainly understood the meaning of “comforts from home” much better than I ever have since it has been almost 4 months without experiencing any of these comforts.

It was almost time for dinner and tonight they were serving barbecue chicken. I was alerted to the fact that one of my dorm mates pays 5 soups for a piece of chicken. When I found this out I went over to this dorm mate and made the deal. The only “kicker” was I had to get the piece of barbecue chicken out of the chow hall and back into the dorm. You may ask, “That doesn’t sound so difficult, what is the problem?” Well, there is a C/O who stands by the exit and inspects all the inmates prior to leaving the chow hall. Inmates are not supposed to take any food out of the chow hall. This is mostly for the fruits which are served at breakfast so the inmates can’t make pruno (which by the way hurts me because most of the time I don’t eat my piece of fruit be it an apple or banana because I am too full but I would like to eat it later as a snack which I cannot unless someone else sneaks one out).

I didn’t want to sneak out anything out for a variety of reasons and another one of the dorm mates understood this. (If an inmate gets caught sneaking food out of the chow hall nothing really happens to them. The C/O just confiscates the food item and the inmate moves on). I am not sure if taking a piece of chicken, apple or banana which is on my tray as part of my breakfast or lunch out of the chow hall constitutes stealing but it is against the rules which I don‘t want to break. With that stated, I made an additional agreement with the dorm mate I normally trade my breakfast and dinner, I would give him my piece of chicken and he would sneak it out in return for two soups. He agreed and was successful so I guess I was an accessory in “rule breaking” but I did give it to my other dorm mate who paid me with the 5 soups. Yes, this is wrong but I will justify it by saying I can get three meals (having given away two of the five soups) by making this transaction and my exposure was practically zero, I am sure on some level this is wrong but I am doing best at improvising.

I was unable to get full at dinner because of the whole “chicken transaction” so I did make one of the soups in my new hot pot. While I was making this soup my accomplice in the “chicken transaction” asked me if he could have one of my prized Hot-n-Spicy Vegetable soups as one of his two soups. Again, I couldn’t say no and gave him one of these along with the chili flour. I wonder if I will ever get to eat one of the Hot-n-Spicy Vegetable soups because I did order 10 but now I am down to 6. I better eat one before I give them all away. The other inmate who traded me for these soups loves the vegetable soups I gave him. I told him I had no more to trade because hey I want to actually taste one before I give them all away.

Finally The Package

I have tried three different times since my package arrived on Wednesday to retrieve it all were unsuccessful. According to the package retrieval slip I received I had to pick up the package between the hours of 12:00 – 2:00 pm. We had morning yard which starts at 9:00 am and ends at 11:30 so I thought I had no chance of retrieving the package for today. I was talking with one of my dorm mates last night about how frustrated I was getting regarding this package. He told me I would be able to pick up the package today and told me not to pay attention to the hours printed on the slip and I would be able to pick it up when the yard opens in the morning.

Now I am one to abide by the rules (maybe a little too late considering where and why I am in a place like this) so I had my doubts about getting the package. As soon as the yard opened I took my orange laundry bag – one of the rules written on the retrieval slip was to bring your own bag – and headed over to the gate where the pickup area is located. I arrived to find 18 other inmates standing in line for pick up. Apparently my dorm mate was correct in telling me to ignore the instructions on the slip as to the hours because they were allowing early morning hours.

I have waited in line three times prior so I had my doubts. However, after 10 minutes of standing in line one of the workers from the pick-up area came to the gate and let everyone in line through. It appeared I was actually going to receive my box which has been here since Wednesday. I waited very patiently for my name to be called and finally after 19 of the 21 inmates had received their package, it was my turn. The process was fairly simple and I signed a receipt and a logbook to witness receiving the box. Then the contents were emptied into my laundry bag along with a separate plastic bag for the clothing I ordered – sweatpants, shorts, sweatshirt, tee shirts, and “normal” underwear along with socks and running shoes. I ordered very little food – just some soups, tortilla chips, wheat thins, and my wife threw in two individual cereals. Of course, I ordered the health and beauty products such as shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, and toothbrush, a multi vitamin, vitamin C, and vitamin B 12.

We are allowed one package per quarter; however, not everyone receives a package and some inmates order for other inmates to obtain more than one package. There appear to be some nutritional catalogues out there that supply a whole host of vitamins and possibly power bars (along with pretzels I am craving). I need to obtain a copy of this catalogue so I can see what is truly available. It does appear that I am going to need to order more food especially since I am going to be an Instructor where I will be burning more calories everyday. At the current level of the food which is available for free is not enough to maintain my current weight since tuna fish is not available in any of the lunches and peanut butter is only available two days of the week. I was amazed at how much food I could order from one of the catalogues that can be cooked in my new Hot Pot. The only issue would be where to store all the food. I have a locker and half of it is filled with clothes, one quarter is filled with health and beauty cosmetics and the rest is mostly mail. It would be great if I could have a small filing cabinet so I could neatly store and organize all my wonderful mail. Unfortunately, this is not an option and I will have to make do. If I do run out of room I can always use my bunkie’s locker for storage because there is plenty of space available.

I came back from picking up my package and went back to my bunk to organize my “stuff”. As I was walking back toward my dorm I tried not to make eye contact with any inmate because I have noticed that everyone is so “friendly” when they see you carrying your laundry bag filled with the contents from the package. I don’t mind sharing ~ check that is not true ~ I do mind sharing my food with anyone else. I never borrow food from anyone; I have been fortunate enough to receive a jar of peanut butter and some soups from my neighbor. These were given to me without me having to ask for them and when I go to the store I will return the favor. The “problem” is I only eat certain foods and I never participate in group food gatherings because there is always some kind of meal included and it is just better for me to say, “No, thank you.” This maybe very selfish but I like to keep my food to myself.

However, with that said one of my dorm mates (actually the one I got off to a rocky start with when I first moved in but now we get along very well) saw me come back from the package pickup. He came over to my bunk while I was putting away my new belongings and very nicely asked for a “shot” of coffee. The problem is I didn’t purchase any coffee because I don’t drink it. I didn’t want him to think I was being rude when I said no, so I explained that I just didn’t have any. He was okay with this and let me go about my business. I finished putting everything away and was sitting on my bunk writing a letter with my locker open (mistake!) when this same dorm mate came by and saw I had an unusual flavor – Hot and Spicy Vegetable Soup – and asked what flavor it was. I told him and also said it was very good. He then asked me nicely if he could have one. I couldn’t say no because I already turned him down on the coffee so I gave him one. He thanked me and went on his way. A few minutes later this dorm mate’s Bunkie came over to me and wanted to trade his soups for the Hot and Spicy. He had four soups to trade but I only traded three because the fourth flavor was beef. I do have a problem saying “no” but I want to keep the peace so I think it worked out well.

The one issue with this transaction is it broke one of the “prison rules”. I won’t say which one because it is fairly obvious. However, I have been observing very intently over the almost four months I have been in the prison system and I noticed a definite double standard in some of these rules. It truly comes down to using good sense and I expressed that today. I know there won’t be any issues with my transaction; however, this is something that can only be done selectively so I will constantly monitor that.

It was sort of funny after I took a shower; I was shaving in the bathroom when a different one of my dorm mates came over to me who also knew I picked up my package. He saw me shaving with the state issued two-cent razor (that’s really how much it cost) and my shampoo. He looked at me kind of funny and asked if I did indeed pick up my package and if I did why was I still shaving with that razor. I told him my wife had the ultimate decision on what products I received because she placed the order. I went on to tell him she switched catalogue companies in order for me to receive vitamins but she didn’t order the electric razor nor did she order any other regular razors or shaving cream because I did not specify the regular razors as a replacement. Oh well, I did finally get my package which was quite extensive even though it didn’t contain any shaving materials. Hopefully, this week I will get to the store and buy some semi normal razors and shaving cream. Again, the little things go a long way in a place like this and my package was a welcome sight. Now I can look at my wrist to find out the time instead of having to go over to the window and look across the yard at the clock. My watch can even tell me the day and the date along with being a stopwatch, not bad for eight bucks!

Two Sides Of The Day

My day started at 5:15 am because I had a hard time thinking about two different things which happened yesterday. First, I was thinking about my heart and whether or not it would be possible that I do have a problem. Also, I wanted to make sure I was dressed and ready to leave the dorm for my 7:00 am blood test. The doctor was kind enough to schedule this fasting blood test before breakfast and I didn’t want to be late. I know there is nothing I can do about all the procedures I will be given in the next few weeks nor should I obsess about my heart. I do think about it and find it difficult to believe that I would have a problem considering my healthy eating habits and exercise regimen. The answer to the question will hopefully be found in the next few weeks.

Secondly, I was thinking about a letter I received yesterday which wasn’t negative or disparaging. It did talk about something I did a few years ago which was very bad; however, I am having difficulty understanding the specifics of this particular wrongdoing. For the life of me, I cannot understand the timing of this act. I very well may have repressed this so much into my subconscious that my conscious mind just does not remember. This may not make my transgression right but it may well prove how bad my gambling addiction had become. Hopefully, I will receive some concrete evidence and I can put this issue to rest but until that time my life will continue in the positive manner that it has in the past 20 months.

I got out of bed and got dressed so early because I read the clock wrong. The only clock I have access to is the yard clock which resides 150 yards across from where I am. I thought it said 6:15 when in reality it was 5:15 am. I realized how early it was when I sat down to watch the morning news and the on screen clock read 5:30. When I saw this, I just chuckled and I certainly was not going to go back and lie down in the bunk. I just watched the morning news until 6:45 when I received the unlock to go to the medical for my blood teat. Much to my amazement, I was in and out of the medical building in 10 minutes. Luckily, I was the first appointment for the nurse who took my blood. I was hoping to receive the chest x-ray at the same time; however, the technician wasn’t going to arrive until 9:00. Certainly I was not going to wait two hours so I went back to the dormitory and joined my dorm mates for breakfast.

After breakfast I read a little more of the book and waited for the 8:45 am unlock which came at 9:15 – so much for making my 9:00 appointment on time. Yet another thing completely out of my control. I made my way back over to the medical building and checked in for my x-ray. I must say for a person who wanted nothing to do with the medical offices of the CDC, I am getting to know it quite well. Again, I was taken right away and the x-ray technician was very polite and professional. He had to do two sets of the x-rays because he made a mistake with the first set. Unfortunately, the doctor was not available so I will have to wait until next week for him to read the films and receive the results from the blood test.

I was in and out of the x-ray room in about 30 minutes and I returned to the yard. It was not my tier’s yard time but the fact that I was outside meant I could stay there until the morning yard was over. I thought this might be a great time to see if I could retrieve my package yet again. I stood in line with 15 other inmates – some of who have been waiting a month (Geez!) to receive their package. However, based on discussions with some of them, there appears to be some extenuating circumstances working and the hours of their job are not conducive to retrieving their packages. Also, there was a lockdown – where no one goes anywhere for a specified period of time which can last up to one month – a few weeks before I arrived and this delayed picking up their packages as well. I waited an hour and a half only to watch 15 inmates from the other level 1-yard retrieve their packages, but all of us who were in line were shut out. It is going to take longer to
Get the package than it took to get here. I do hope it takes a less than a month and it looks like my best chance should be on Sunday. On the weekends, the retrieval of the packages takes precedence over any other duties in this area.

Having been denied access to my package once again, I headed back to the dorm to change out of my blues into my workout attire. This afternoon is the test for the instructor position and I had an hour to relax back at the dorm and took a 15-minute nap. I also took my first multi-vitamin in over 3 ½ months. It will be interesting to see how much of a difference these vitamins make and I do believe there is definitely a psychological benefit and hopefully a physiological benefit as well.

Now it was time for afternoon yard and the test for the instructor position. The afternoon was overcast – which is very unusual – and there was a storm approaching from the west. Even though it was overcast, the weather was perfect for the test with the temperature in the low 60’s. Physically and mentally I was ready. I hadn’t felt this way the two previous times which I thought might be a good sign now. The test starts off with warm ups and stretching. After this is completed, we are required to run one mile in 9 minutes or less. The two previous times, I stayed with one of the instructors who paces at this time. I felt the pace was too slow but I understood the need to conserve my energy in order to complete the rest of the test. Today I ran at my own pace and finished the mile in 7 minutes without really pressing myself.

When everyone finished the mile we started the rest of the test. There was only one other person taking the test with me. The other inmates were just participating in the regular Friday class which consists of all the components of the test. After everyone finished their run we were required to do 40 burpees – squat thrusts followed by 30 pushups, followed by 40 sit-ups, 10 jumping jacks, and 20 mountain climbers. Then it started another rotation of 35 burpees, 35 push-ups, 35 sit-ups, 10 jumping jacks, and 80 mountain climbers. In order to pass the test I had to complete each and every reception without missing any and my form had to be perfect. Last week I didn’t miss any repetitions but my form wasn’t very good on the mountain climbers.

This time I didn’t miss any repetitions and my form was perfect on the mountain climbers which means I passed the test! I am now on the wait list with one other inmate to become a Physical Firefighting Instructor. There are others leaving in the next few weeks which means I will have a job. I do need to speak with the “coach” regarding the particulars about the position. Hey, this is not too bad for someone with a defective heart!

I have thought of one of the stipulations of accepting the position which is giving the coach a four month commitment. I will feel him out and see if he is demanding the commitment or not. If he is I will give it to him because it appears I will be here at the very least another three months. What is another month when I go in on a Monday through Friday job with the perks of working out and I get to pick the fire camp of my choice which will be Bautista in Hemet, Ca? This will give me a very serious routine and I expect the days would fly by because I would be very busy doing something physical and something I enjoy.

It would be ironic if I were not allowed to go to a fire camp because of my EKG read-out, yet I would be allowed to be an instructor. This position is very physically demanding and all the instructors are in good shape. I am already in good shape only to be able to get into better shape when I start the position. As an aside, my chest does not bother me when I am running or doing calisthenics. I can only feel a little twinge when I lay down otherwise it feels fine. I am sure there is a god explanation for this which all the medical tests should resolve.

This morning started in the medical building and ended with me becoming an Instructor. There were two distinct sides of my day which don’t seem to fit together. Maybe there is something I am missing (I hope not) but whatever the case I will continue exercising as long as there isn’t any pain. I am old enough to know my body very well and so far so good.

I was very happy to pass the test for the Instructor because it was a goal of mine when I took it for the first time and failed. It felt very good to accomplish this in a short period of time. This proves to me that when I set my mind to do something I do accomplish that something. Thankfully, my focus is now on a positive note and I do like the results.

Where To Start?

My oh my, I have much to write about and I wonder where I should start? I will continue with yesterday after my classification hearing. I could not work out in the morning because of the hearing so I needed to work out in the afternoon. My hearing ran past 11:30 am so I missed the “unlock” for the dormitory. I needed to get changed out of my prison “blues” into my workout attire but I couldn’t get back into the dorm. “Blues” are required when attending any appointment outside the yard and includes wearing boots. Fortunately, the middle windowpane is missing on the front door (this is the case for all dorms so I believe there is a reason for this) and I was able to obtain my workout clothing through the missing windowpane. I did get changed outside which isn’t a big deal in a place like this.

Now I was ready for the afternoon physical training class in preparation for the test on Friday. I started the class and got about five minutes into it when my Bunkie came by and told me my package was available for pick-up. My wife ordered this last Friday and it arrived today! I didn’t want to leave the class to pick it up but one of the instructors told me to go and get it because it may take a while to retrieve it. When I heard this, I immediately exited the class and went back to the dorm to obtain the package slip and change back into my prison blues. I was fortunate enough to catch the CO walking by the dorm and he unlocked the door for me. I grabbed my clothes and the package slip as fast as I could and went back outside. Once I was changed, I headed toward the gate where the pickup is located. It was locked and within a few minutes an inmate came through and it was opened. I immediately went through it. I took one step and the CO from the Tower called down to me and asked where I am going. I told him I was going to pick up a package and showed him the slip. He told me to go back inside the gate and wait for the CO from the package pick up area to come and get me. I stepped back inside the gate and waited and waited and waited for an hour and a half when the inmates working there came through the gate and told us (there were six of us waiting now) there wouldn’t be any more pickups today. They didn’t give any reason and they didn’t need to. This is just the way it is. Of course, I was disappointed but there was nothing I could do but come back at another time.

The one consolation was that it was time to make a phone call to my wife and children. My daughter sounds amazingly mature for her 8 years – soon to be 9 in February. I enjoyed chatting with her about Halloween, school, and soccer. These telephone calls are a double-edged sword; in one way I love hearing their voices but in another case when I do hear them, I miss them even more. My God, I miss them so much and times like this I do need to stay strong. It was wonderful to speak to all of them and they sounded great. The children are doing very well in school and are keeping very busy. My daughter told me Halloween wasn’t that good because I wasn’t there. When I heard that, my heart melted and instantly I had tears in my eyes. I do hope the next time I get to spend Halloween with them, my daughter won’t be too old to celebrate.

What I would give for a hug from my daughter and son is just about anything. We will all get through this “away” process and be a much better family. The key word is “temporary”. It’s only temporary that she has to share a bedroom with her brother and only temporary that I will be away from my family. There is passing and so shall my time within the CDC.

There was only a few minutes left of yard time before I had to return to the dorm. I didn’t get to workout which was okay because I would the following morning. The yard had ended which is commonly referred to as “yard recall”. It was 4:00 pm and it was time for mail call. So far I had only received two pieces of mail in a week and a half since my transfer from Kern. Today I hit the “mother lode” of mail call and soon became the envy of all my dorm mates. I received eight pieces from seven different people! Half were forwarded from Kern and the other half were sent directly to me. The postmarks on these letters were only 4 to 6 days ago which is a great sign and it appears the mail system is a little faster than the reception center.

Some of the letters I receive are one page long and others are multiple pages. Whatever the case, I love reading each and every one. By the time I finished all the letters it was time to go to dinner. When I returned, I started writing and when I stopped it was 10 pm and time to go to sleep. In between my writing, I received a ducat for my re-appointment to the medical physical. This only took a week and it is ironic because two hours prior to receiving the ducat, I wrote a request for the appointment and dropped it into the box. If anyone recalls last week, I went to my initial appointment only to be turned away because all the doctors were in a meeting. My new appointment was scheduled for 2:30 this afternoon which is perfect because it didn’t conflict with anything else and I could workout in the morning.

I woke up at my usual time at 5:45 am – brushed my teeth, got dressed, and went to watch the morning news for an hour which is very refreshing. I do get to watch a few minutes to watch a morning show although it is not the Today Show (which I prefer but I won’t say anything because I don’t want to make any waves). I do like watching the National News and seeing what goes on in the world - not just Sacramento news. We depart the dorm around 7:15 am for breakfast. I sit with the same inmates for breakfast and dinner – my Bunkie and two of our bunk neighbors. After returning, I have started to read for the hour before yard opens and makes the time go by very quickly.

This morning I was looking forward to the physical fitness class because I was unable to exercise yesterday due to all the waiting. Today is a very big day in preparation for the test tomorrow because the class is very similar. I was able to get through al the exercises perfectly and I even came in second on the run. Apparently, I am not fast enough to beat a 23 year old who ran track in college. I was also given a very good and very simple piece of advice from one of the instructors regarding my psychological block to the “mountain climbers”. He told me when I get over half way through with the mountain climbers and feel my legs starting to burn, I should just get it out and finish the set. This was great advice because of its simplicity. I was so worked over my form and I wasn’t concentrating on finishing the set; now I know how to finish it. I incorporated this tip into my extended workout later on and I was able to perform 25% more repetitions than previously. I thought to myself after performing these that I was ready for the test tomorrow which I was hoping to take in the morning. I may or may not be able to test tomorrow and you will have to read further to find out the answer.

I had a very good workout which lasted the entire morning yard of 2 ½ hours. I returned to the dorm where I needed to shower and change for my afternoon medical appointment. I only had to wait 20 minutes, which wasn’t bad. I have discovered the best way to get into the shower faster is to be the first one in the door after yard has ended and race directly to the bathroom to place the ID card on the mirror. This method has worked well for the past few days and worked well today. While I was waiting for the shower I washed my socks and undershirt in the sink in order to save time in the shower. I also shaved which I now have the ability to do everyday if I choose. I just need to purchase a better razor and some shaving cream because the current razor doesn’t really cut the facial hair it pulls it off. I have also discovered that shampoo works much better than soap as a replacement to shaving cream but I can’t wait to actually shave with shaving cream.

I didn’t have time to eat lunch today because I needed to make the first unlock in order to get outside so I was not late for my medical appointment. There wasn’t anyway I was going to be late for this appointment because it is a very large step in getting to a fire camp. I made my way over to the gate at 1:00 pm only to be turned away by the CO because I was “too early” for my appointment. I tried again at 2:00 pm and was successful with a different CO who was very kind and let me through the gate.

My name was called by an actual doctor at 2:40 pm. I went into a smaller area where he asked me the standard medical questions such as allergic to any medications, allergic to any foods, any major medical procedures and so on. I answered “Yes” (?? I think he meant “no”??) to all of them, but when he got to the food allergies question I did have a question for him. I felt a comfort level with this doctor that I have not felt with any other doctor while I have been in the prison system. So I decided to divulge my diet and see if there is anyway he could get me more protein, I asked very nicely and told him that if it did cause any unnecessary problems I would drop it. He seemed to rack his brain and told me to hold on and he would think of something. Also, one of his questions was regarding tattoos and when I said no, I don’t have any; he made a joke and said it was not possible. After this banter back and forth, I felt very comfortable and we went into the discussion of how I don’t fit in and why I am here. I explained my situation and he was very empathetic.

After this conversation, he took my weight which was 148 pounds fully clothed with work boots on. This is an 8-pound increase from almost three months ago from the reception center. I was weighed with much less clothing and no work boots but with that factored in I figured I have gained 3 or 4 pounds in three months. I guess my time working in the kitchen did me some good and it appears my peanut butter diet is holding strong.

I completed the weigh in and now it was time for my EKG since I am older than 40. We went into another room where a nurse administered it. I was ecstatic to receive the EKG right then and there because I have heard horror stories about how other inmates waited 3 and 4 months to receive these. I don’t know if the extremely good rapport I had developed with the doctor had anything to do with it but whatever the case, I was happy to have the procedure today. However, this happiness was short-lived. The test took 30 seconds and the results printed instantly. The nurse was extremely pleasant during the very brief procedure; however, her mood changed instantly when the results printed out. She said to the doctor, “You are not going to like this.” As soon as I heard this I became very concerned. The doctor took the printout from the nurse and looked at it. After viewing it for a minute, he told me to follow him back to his “real” office. Yes, I was concerned for a variety of reasons.

One of the reasons had to do with my recent upper chest pains which have somewhat subsided, but there is a still a slight twinge. The other concern is to NOT be able to attend fire camp. As we walked back to his office we talked and talked. I remembered my only other EKG which was about eight years ago. At that time the doctor was very concerned because my heart rate was so low – 30 beats a minute – and he thought I must have a blockage. The doctor referred me to a cardiac specialist where I was given a stress test and an electrocardiogram. I passed the stress test with flying colors without reaching the target heart rate which is almost unheard of. The electrocardiogram came back with no problems. The cardiologist explained to me that when an extremely healthy person takes an EKG with such a low heart rate, the test often reads a “false positive” and it is always better to err on the side of caution.

When we finally reached the doctor’s office, I told him about my first EKG and he knew exactly what I was talking about. He said this does often happen with very healthy people and he just wanted to ensure I was okay. We talked more about my vegetarian diet and he was kind enough to prescribe a multi-vitamin which I was able to pick up this evening. He also sought a second opinion of his superior and she came up with a plan that he agreed with. She stated the result was very borderline and he many want to do a chest x-ray to ensure there weren’t any abnormalities in my heart. The blood work is to ensure all my proteins and lipids are in order and the electrocardiogram is to ensure there aren’t any blockages or abnormalities in my veins and arteries.

This was a very good plan but I was concerned with the timing because again I have heard horror stories about procedures being dragged on for many months. I asked the doctor how long these tests would take and he said one month. When he saw the disappointment in my eyes, he said two weeks. I was happy to hear this, but before I could say anything he said he would schedule the chest x-ray and blood work for tomorrow morning. This was wonderful news and I asked him if I should fast for the blood test. When I asked this, he knew all about my eating habits and said, “Sure you can fast, but I suspect that won’t be a problem for you.” He has a good sense of humor and I liked him very much.

Tomorrow at 7:00 am I will go for the chest x-ray and blood work. Even if the chest x-ray comes back negative, I will still have to go for the EKG in two weeks. Again, I felt comfortable with this doctor and we were able to talk about a variety of subjects such as compulsive gambling and recovery. He asked me some very good questions and I believe either he is in some type of recovery program or someone very dear to him. He was well versed on recovery and it was a very interesting conversation. I believe he really wants to help me get to a fire camp but wants to make sure all his i’s are dotted and t’s crossed before giving me medical clearance. This is the right way to go since my health is vitally important and I won’t mess around when it comes to it. If I don’t have my health, I don’t have a life so I will be a very patient “patient”.

We shook hands after the session was ended and after spending over an hour there, I said to the doctor, “For all the bad press the medical staff receives, you are more than okay in my book.” He thanked me and made a joke about how they try their best. Everything I have heard about the medical staff and procedures have been negative; however, my first exposure to this has been very positive. I do believe everything happens for a reason and last week when I had to be rescheduled was a blessing because I may not have gotten to see this particular doctor and my appointment may have been quite different.

I hope everything is okay with me which I do suspect is the case. I guess sometimes being too healthy has its drawbacks, but if there is something truly wrong with me at least the prison medical system is doing everything in their power to find out. I did forget to mention my cholesterol level was 126 and the chief medical officer said many people would kill for that number. She mentioned something about it being perfect. If there is something wrong with me, I can only attribute it to stress because my eating and exercising habits have not changed in over 15 years. Yes, stress does not do a body good so I am very interested to see the final results of all these procedures.

This evening was very strange because I needed to be in three places at one time. Everything in prison depends on the ID card and in each place this was mandatory. I tried again to retrieve my package and wanted to sign up for a telephone call to be placed Saturday night at the same time. Fortunately, I received notification that there would be no package retrieval this evening and I raced to the telephone sign up area where the CO was just about finished collecting the ID’s. I was able to get it in on time and received an 8:45 pm Saturday time slot. At the same time as the telephone sign-up was going on, I needed to get over to the pill line in order to pick up my vitamins. I was able to pick up my One A Day Vitamins. I believe my wife ordered these in the package and someday when I can retrieve it, I will be able to start taking my regime of vitamins.

Come to think of it, it has been almost 3 ½ months since I have taken a vitamin pill. I have taken some type of pill everyday for the past 15 years. I don’t know if this may have anything to do with the odd feeling in my chest, but I do know taking one is not going to hurt. Finally, I recall being in the county jail and asking that doctor if he could prescribe a multi-vitamin since he could do nothing to provide me an alternative menu for my non-dairy vegetarian diet. I do remember him basically laughing me out of his office when I requested the vitamin which is why it was so refreshing today to meet a doctor who truly cared because I was a human, not just an inmate.

Classification

It is hard to imagine there are only two full months left of 2006. In my current situation this is a very good thing because the sooner the year goes by the sooner I approach my release date. Not including today there are only 60 days left of this year. I am not wishing (although this is not a bad idea!) away the year but trying to put everything in perspective because time does continue to go by no matter what. I do like when another page is turned on the calendar. My focus is getting to the 15th of the month which would be the “hump” period for November. I am also entering a very sensitive time of year with all the holidays fast approaching. I must continue with a positive attitude and know I will be back soon enough with my family and we will enjoy many of these special holidays together forever. In addition to the holidays, each day will be a special day because we will all be together.

Today was a very big day as I progress my way through the prison system here at Sierra Conservation Center. I received the classification ducat last night and my appointment was set for 9:30 am this morning. The time of the interview was perfect because today was my afternoon yard day and if everything went well at the classification hearing I would be able to workout this afternoon and also keep my 3:00 pm telephone call with my wife.

On days when my yard is in the afternoon, the correction officers in charge of my lower tier unlock at 15 minutes to the hour up until 10:45 am. My classification hearing at 9:30 am meant I had to depart the dormitory at 8:45 am in order not to be late. Breakfast occurs daily at 7:15 am and I am usually back in the dormitory by 7:45 am so the timing of the classification hearing was working out very well. (A quick aside regarding breakfast; the breakfasts are very similar to the reception center with one exception, every morning we receive some type of fruit juice be it apple, orange, or mixed fruit whereas at the reception center we either received the fruit juice or a piece of fruit. Here we always receive at least one piece of fruit – apple, banana, prunes, and the fruit juice.) I believe we are receiving more calories at breakfast than at the reception center which is good for me because this is always the biggest meal of the day for me. Today we had pancakes, grits, sausage links which I traded away for more grits, orange juice and a banana. It was a great breakfast because I only traded away one item and the entire breakfast was very filling. Even when I have to trade away more than one item I seem to receive my fill of the hot cereal. There is one dorm mate who I sit with who does not eat his hot cereal no matter the selection and always gives it to me. Again, I won’t starve but because of the working out, I am much hungrier than I have been in the past.

I returned from breakfast and read my new book “Deception Point” by Dan Brown. (Yes, the same Dan Brown who wrote Angel & Demons and the DaVinci Code) for an hour prior to the unlock. The unlock arrived at 8:50 am and I proceeded to the north end of the yard where the counselor trailer is situated. (It is a modular trailer but it appears to be permanent housing for the counselors.) When I arrived I saw the same inmates who came on the bus with me from the reception center. These are the inmates who have been assigned to the same yard (Level II) as me. I presume the others who were assigned to the Level I yard have their own counselor trailer because the only entrance and exit to the counselor trailer on my yard is through the same Level II yard. When I saw the other inmates I quickly inquired as to the time of their appointments and was told by two of them that their appointments were at 8:00 am (it was now 9:00 am). I know it was going to be a long morning because none of them had been seen as of yet. Good thing I brought my book because I would have plenty of time to read it. Another 30 minutes went by and these inmates were finally called inside the trailer. Around 10:00 am the inmates I knew emerged from the trailer having concluded their “hearing”. A few were very happy because they were granted “full pack” status which means they were fire camp eligible and placed on the waiting list for the physical training. Others were not so happy because they were denied full pack status and were not eligible for fire camp. These inmates came out shaking their heads in disgust and said the hearing was very difficult. Whichever the case all the inmates were saying how thorough the hearing was and how the members (it is a committee of three people who hear the case – one is the Captain of the Prison, one is the head of all Counselors, and one is in charge of the Education Department) covered everything in their arrest files going back 20 to 25 years in some cases. Having heard all this I did not know what to think because I have nothing in my file other than my current case. I have no prior arrests of any kind so I was interested in how my case would be handled.

Finally, after hearing some good and some not so good stories from other inmates it was my turn. I was called into the trailer at 11:15 am where I waited another 15 minutes to enter the rather smallish conference room. I opened the door and went inside. The Captain of the Prison was on my immediate right, next to her on her left was the Head of the Counselors, next to him on his left was a Counselor (not mine) next to him on his left was the Head of Education Department and finally seated on my right was my counselor. As I went to sit down in the “hot seat” the Captain rose from her chair. My counselor said to her “this is the most interesting case we have all day aren’t you going to stay?’ She replied, “No, you guys can handle it; and with this she left the room. I didn’t know what to think of that so I took a deep breath and the “hearing” began. My counselor did most of the talking and he acted as my advocate. This surprised me because he seemed to be acting in my best interest. He summarized my case for the others in attendance and actually brought up my compulsive gambling addiction. He mentioned the amount of restitution and did not make a big deal of it. He did say I was ineligible to become a clerk because of the computer charges.

There was one item in my file which needed further clarification. Apparently according to the file there is an outstanding charge of Grand Theft filed on July 12, 2006 (my sentencing date) which does not have a disposition. When the counselor brought this up I did not understand what he was talking about because all of my charges have been sentenced. I did ask him to clarify and he told me it “appears” that this outstanding charge has been disposed of but they need to make sure I have no outstanding charges in order to give me “full pack” status. He further clarified that they have to obtain a clearance from the county to ensure there aren’t any additional charges against me. According to him this could take up to 60 days to obtain. This means I have to wait an additional 60 days before I can get on the list for training. As the discussion was going on my head was swimming and I was very nervous. The more I think about it now 7 hours afterward the more I don’t understand why it should take 2 months to obtain this information. In this day and age of electronic files and instant communication I would think this information should be obtained quickly. I don’t know if this is just a paperwork mix-up or someone did not file something properly but whatever the case if there is anything I can do to expedite the situation I will certainly try it. I already telephoned my wife and told her about this and how she should contact my lawyer. Hopefully my attorney can clarify the situation as soon as possible presuming he stops giving my wife the run around.

His information did cause me some turmoil because I am not sure if it does fall into the category of being out of my control. It was certainly no fault of mine yet maybe there is something I can do. I believe the only thing I can do is stay on top of it and if I do get any information to forward it directly to my counselor. I believe this is all I can do and know everything will work out fine.

One of the things my counselor said regarding my case was “this is his first offense and he is 41 years old and I know it is his last offense”. Again, I was very surprised in a pleasant way because he is correct. My counselor seemed to understand my case very well and as soon as I receive notification from the county that there aren’t any outstanding charges against me and I get clearance from medical (yes, I still have to have a physical examination prior to going to fire camp) I will be well on my way to fire camp.

Of course, I was hoping to come out of the hearing being “Full Packed” and fire camp eligible. However, this little glitch will delay me but it won’t prevent me from going to fire camp. When the meeting ended I walked out of the conference room a little confused. I was not exactly happy nor was I sad. I was more perplexed than anything. I will stay on op of this because for every month that I am here (SCC) I am losing 10 days and the longer I stay the longer it is before I can be with my family. I guess it could have gone much worse and the fact that I have gone through classification is a good step in the process. Maybe I should expect the unexpected because by now nothing in my case had gone according to form. Thank God for serenity and peace of mind or I would have gone insane by now! My recovery continues to assist me in so many different ways and I am forever grateful.