Must Be A Test

Unfortunately, my suspicions were correct because when the ducats were passed out last night I didn’t receive one. Two of my dorm mates received them notifying them of the upcoming Class starting on Monday –by the way, their names did appear on the list. However, there were no ducats for me. Maybe this is yet another one of the many “tests” I have been given on this journey and I sure do wish these would stop because I could do without the excess drama. I am maintaining my positive attitude and I do know everything will work out fine. I didn’t lose any sleep last night due to the pending dilemma. I have gotten into a pattern of getting six hours of sleep (not exactly restful) because two sometimes three times a night the CO’s come in and flash their flashlights to ensure that everyone is present and accounted for. Due to my light sleeping I always wake up when they come through but do not fall back to sleep when they leave.

I have chalked up this latest “test” as something I have no control over. I would like to know what is going on and I will continue to ask questions until I get an answer; however, I am not going to stress over the issue. Something will happen in due time and this “test” just like the other “test” shall pass. I could go on and on and pine away but it is not going to change anything. There is an answer out there and someday I will find it.

Today was early morning yard and I scheduled an exercise routine with one of the instructors. The new instructor has not started yet and he too is waiting for his ducat. He shouldn’t have any conflicts because he just passed the exam on Thursday. He is 24 years old and is in the “normal” category. It is fascinating when I arrived 3 weeks ago, I looked around and didn’t seem to notice any “normal” looking inmates, yet three weeks later, I have found some and am now exercising with them. I guess the old adage of birds of a feather flock together is appropriate and I am happy to have found some of the “birds”. This inmate reminds me of my brother in law on my wife’s side because he is tall and facially resembles my brother in law. It is also fascinating how most people I become friendly with seem to always remind me of someone else. I put him through one my homemade workouts and as we were going on the third rotation, the comment “You’re a machine” was made by him. It was good to workout with someone who just wanted to workout and it was a good change of pace for me.

When I finished the workout, I saw one of the lead instructors and I told him about how I didn’t receive the ducat informing me of the Physical Training Class. He seemed perplexed as well and he did tell me that I should go and talk to the Coach first thing Monday morning. I thought the Coach was on vacation; however, according to the lead instructor because of the new class starting, the Coach will be in. Hopefully, I misunderstood the him earlier this week when he told me about his upcoming vacation schedule. I would like to find out what’s going on by Monday instead of waiting another week. I know there is an explanation I just need to be patient. What I really would like is to start as an instructor on Monday, if I am not in the class as a participant. All I could do is wait and see.

After my conversation, it was time to place my one phone call for the day to my wife. Again, my wife didn’t know I was going to call, but thankfully I did reach her as she was just taking the children to a movie. Both my daughter and son had off from school due to the teacher’s convention. I spoke briefly with my wife who passed the cell phone to my 5-year-old son. I spoke with him and it is truly amazing how good his attitude is. I guess being a happy, healthy 5 year old does have its upside! As we finished our conversation, he was supposed to hand the phone to his 8-year-old sister. However, he inadvertently closed the cell phone thus disconnecting the call. Fortunately, I still had a few minutes left of the 15 minutes so I scrambled to call them back because I knew my daughter would be upset since she didn’t get to talk to me. Just as I thought, as my wife handed her the phone, she was crying because she thought she wasn’t going to talk to me and her brother was being mean to her. Even though both of my children look alike, their personalities are so different. My son is very easy going and just goes with the flow much like his mother. Whereas, my daughter takes everything to heart and is very serious, almost too serious. This is how I was when I was her age, in fact, when I was 9 years old, I developed an ulcer from worrying. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Thank goodness, I spoke with my daughter and was able to calm her down. I knew I didn’t have much time left so I spoke very fast because the last thing I wanted to happen was having the phone call disconnect automatically because my 15 minutes were up. It didn’t disconnect and hopefully she settled down and enjoyed Santa Claus 3. As my wife was in mid-sentence, the phone disconnected. I am beginning to wonder if having these brief phone calls is really a curse. Rarely do I get to say everything I have to and this incident with my daughter today was heart wrenching. When I heard her sad voice, I wanted to reach through the phone and give her a big hug. I am sure my wife did comfort her but moments like these really hurt knowing I am not with them. Having the phone calls is better in spite of the issues I have been having because some contact is much better than no contact (I think).

The call ended abruptly as my wife was speaking and I knew I had to schedule another one for Sunday. This again will be a surprise because I didn’t get the chance to tell her. Hopefully, she is home because on the weekends I don’t have the ability to call her cell phone and I can only reach her at home. If I do start the instructor’s position the only time I will be able to call is late at night. We should set up some type of schedule but the uncertainly still exists. I understand the telephone call procedure is much better at fire camp and by then I will have worked all the issues.

When I finished talking to her, I saw one of the inmates who I have spoken to in the past. The inmate is somewhat normal and comes from a very affluent family which makes him stand out. We talked about drug addiction and recovery. I learned a great deal in this 30-minute dialogue. This inmate has been in the same rehab center 8 times and still has not been able to conquer his drug issue. The more he spoke – he spoke for 28 out of 30 minutes – all I did was nod and ask questions – the more I realized how blessed I am to finally find a program of true recovery. This inmate who seems to have unlimited resources – due to his family’s wealth - received the same sentence as I did yet it was his fourth offense which is all drug related. His family has spent countless dollars trying to assist him and they are still helping even with his countless failures. He did say he wants to get help and stay clean for himself. I asked him why it is different this time and he reiterated that he is only doing it for himself whereas in the past he was doing it for everyone but himself. Hopefully, he does mean this and he gets the help he needs. This will have to wait another 18 months until his release date because unfortunately there aren’t any programs of recovery in this particular prison facility.

The conversation was very fascinating and enlightening even though I didn’t say much. It’s amazing how much I learn by keeping my mouth shut and my eyes and ears open. God knows I don’t have all the answers especially when it comes to recovery, but I am willing to learn each and everyday. Today just like all the other days, I learned something about myself and continue to try my very best. Sure there have been some “tests” along this journey but there is nothing I cannot handle because I do trust God’s plan because it is working very well.