Internal Struggle

It finally happened, I lost my entire posting. Apparently, when I went to publish my post the system went done for maintenance and the entire posting went into the blogsphere!! I am sure that won't be the last time. The post wasn't that good, it was a little confusing but I will try and re-create.

I seem to put on a brave face as may therapist calls it a facade but underneath there is a lot of internal struggle. I need to vent and please just take as venting and nothing more. I screwed up and as my mother says I screwed up BIG TIME. Yes, this is certainly correct. Is my life over? There are two answers to this question; yes and no. Yes, my life with the nice house, nice friends, good career, great co-workers, and a wonderful school system for my children is over because of my actions. However; no my life is not over because I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends and my career will take a different turn but it will be good because I will excel at anything I put my mind into. I do regret having to move my children from this wonderful school system but I know they will adjust to any situation as long as we are all together. We won't be all together in the short term but in the long term we will be together.

I have learned that I have an unbelievable (yes, that is a good thing!) family and incredible friends. I had a great many acquaintances that I thought were my friends; however; they were only acquaintances. My friends are truly my friends (this may not make sense to you but it makes sense to me!). It maybe a cliche but I will state it anyway; you really find out who you can count on when times get tough and I have amazing people that I can count on. I am truly blessed knowing these people. I never realized how much love I had in my life until all of this happened. Thank you!!

(Please keep in mind these are random thoughts and may not make sense to anyone other than myself and for this I apologize.) My friend told me I was not an evil person I was an opportunist that took advantage of a situation that didn't work out as expected. Yes, my friend is correct I took advantage of an opportunity to enable my situation. This maybe a copout but I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't state it; I wish I didn't find that opportunity then all of this wouldn't have happened. I know it is wishful thinking and the fact of the matter is if it wasn't that opportunity it would have been another opportunity which could have been much worse. (I told you I had a lot of internal struggles!) My life was destined for this moment it is how I recover for this situation that will set the tone for the rest of my life.

I would like to give some absolutes but who knows what is going to happen. I will continue to live my life one day at a time even though some folks around me cannot understand this principle. I will also stop trying to compare my situation to others that have gone through similar situations because it is pointless. I do not understand the U.S. Justice System because there are so many inconsistencies. I can see why very wealthy people get away with "murder" because they can create doubts (true or not). The poor people get shuttled into and out of the system never really having a chance to rehabilitate themselves, maybe this is why California's prison system is bursting at the seems. I lie some where in the middle and I will not think about anymore. All I can do is expect the worse but hope for the best but I am not sure what the best and worse would be. Thank you for listening.