The "Hostel"

Yesterday came to an end very quickly. I returned from my good friend’s house, talked with my other good friends did a little writing and called it a night. All of the information I have read and based on previous experience the most important night’s sleep before running a marathon comes two night prior which was last night. I had it in my mind to get a very good night’s rest and did just that falling to sleep very quickly and sleeping much later then I normally do. I didn’t have to workout this morning although it was an option but I thought better of this considering I will be embarking on 26.2 miles tomorrow. The better course of action was sleeping in and feeling refreshed. I had no idea what my accommodations would be like tonight and again based on previous experience I don’t sleep very well the night before a marathon so it was great getting a sound sleep last night.

I woke up feeling very good and strangely enough any discomfort or pain I had in my shins had disappeared. This did not mean I was pain free in my legs as there seemed to be some slight discomfort in my calf. This is not unusual and I remember prior to my very first marathon I had significant pain on the top of my left foot but during the marathon I had zero pain or discomfort. It is just one of those things and running I do believe is great for me physically but it is no secret it wears on the body. I did read a recent report that stated there isn’t a direct link between arthritis and running later on in life. Yes, running does put stress on the muscles, bones and joints but it seems to do more good then harm. I took it as a good sign that my shin discomfort had completely dissipated.

I had my morning all planned out and I followed my scheduled without fail. I had to go into the office for a little while before going to the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I made my way into the office and completed what I needed to do and within no time I was in and out of the office on the way to the meeting. I arrived a few minutes early and a few other members had arrived early as well. I continue to learn so much about myself and about my recovery and arriving early this morning proved another learning session.

I learn just as much from new members as I do long time members. I learn that I don’t want to go back to the misery that compulsive gambling brings. There were a few new members in attendance this morning and some seemed to be struggling while others seem to be understanding the program of recovery. If anyone has any doubt that compulsive gambling isn’t an addiction like drugs or alcohol then they just don’t understand the disease. Sure a substance isn’t ingested into a person’s body but the brain treats compulsive gambling just like a substance.

I can speak from my own experience and I continue to hear this from other recovering compulsive gamblers that we have all experienced “withdrawal” like symptoms. I remember when I was in the throes of my gambling that if I didn’t have my wagers placed by a certain time I would get jittery, nervous and my palms would even start to sweat. Thankfully I had this taken away from me when I first entered the program. My life was completely unmanageable but through GA my life continues to get better with each day.

These new members exhibit the pain of these symptoms and of all the destruction compulsive gambling has brought to their lives. I hope and pray most of these new members see the great value of the GA Program and how it can save their lives. I know GA continues to save my life as it continues to teach me a better way of life. The crazy lure of the “big win” is most certainly the great obsession of every compulsive gambler. I think I lost this thought some where along the way because I know that there is no win big enough to cure all my problems.

The meeting was very good and I was toying with the idea of leaving the meeting early but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I so enjoy these meetings and I never know what I may hear in these meetings. Today I heard so many positive things and once again I felt so much better after the meeting then prior to the meeting. This was a great way to spend a Saturday morning. When the meeting ended I departed for San Diego where I would spend the day in preparation for tomorrow’s marathon.

I had to pick up my race materials at the marathon expo which is sort of like a convention for marathoners. There are many vendors associated with marathons such as running apparel companies, running shoe companies, nutritional companies and many other health and wellness companies. I have attended five of these in the past and all five of these I have attended with my wife and children. Something was definitely missing today as I walked through the expo by myself. I had to call my family and was able to speak with them. My daughter did say she “wish’s” she was with me and so I do. My son and wife echoed these same sentiments. It won’t be long before we are reunited but days like today I really miss them because this was a family event in the past.

My wife who isn’t a runner even enjoyed these expos in the past as she made sure we had our fill of the “free samples”. Each both seems to be giving away something like free PowerBar samples and many other food vendors. My wife would scour the aisles and wouldn’t miss anything. I felt lost without her because she is so much more organized when it comes to walking down these aisles. I found myself going back and forth through the convention center and I missed a few of the booths my first pass through. I did cover the entire expo and even had my interview. The interview didn’t last long and I’m not sure if I will even make it off the “cutting room floor” but the person who interviewed me certainly understood running, recovery and addiction.

I completed my tasks at the expo and headed over to the hotel/hostel. I have been intrigued by this “hostel” concept ever since I made the reservation last week. I drove over from the expo and arrived. I noticed something very quickly; the hostel shared the same building with a YMCA. I was some what aware of this from the website which mentioned that the hostel had an agreement with the YMCA fitness center. What I didn’t realize was the hostel is actually the YMCA as it has been converted from the YMCA format. I am well aware that YMCA’s all across the country offer very low rates for young men but I didn’t realize they may have abandoned this concept and have gone the hostel route.

I walked up into the lobby and noticed the building was established in 1924 and although it has gone through some renovations since then the building most certainly was built 84 years ago. I checked-in at the front desk and signed all the forms. I received my key and made my way to the room. I entered the room and immediately had flashbacks to prison. The room was complete with a twin bed, desk and bureau. I am guessing it was actually smaller then some of the cells I had stayed in during my incarceration. The similarities to prison didn’t stop there as the small window had chicken wire on it. I noticed there wasn’t a television in the room even though the website stated there were televisions. I went back down to the front desk and very politely inquired about a room with a television and sure enough there were rooms with televisions and the front desk person was kind enough to give me a room with a television.

I made my way to the new room and it was exactly like the old room with exception of a television that was the size of a small laptop’s screen. In fact my laptop’s screen is much larger then this television. All of this doesn’t matter at all because I just need a place to rest my head for the evening. The shared bathrooms are much better then prison because they are individual shared bathrooms as opposed to group bathrooms. I guess if they were group bathrooms this could pose a code issue! Anyhow I am here in my hostel room relaxing with a good book and looking forward to wonderful run in the morning.

Running and Dear Friends

Yesterday seemed to fly by and before I realized it the work day and with it the work week had come to an end. In my quest for “shaking” things up in my life (not really but it does sound good!!) I once again reversed my exercise schedule for the second day in a row. I don’t know how wise this would be with a marathon coming up in three days which is being started at 6:30 in the morning and training consistently at this time may have been the way to go. However; I being the “unconventional” one have decided to turn my day upside down while working out after work instead of before work. What it really came down to was being tired this morning from the late night the night before and the workout the night before. I decided having an extra hour of sleep was worth more then getting up and working out. Of course I had to work out which is why I went to exercise after work.

I must commend people for working out after their workday because it is much more difficult then working out in the early morning. I am a fairly “avid” exercise person and I was having a difficult time convincing myself to go workout last night after work. I didn’t have much to do which was one of the reasons I thought working out after work would be a good idea but I was coming up with excuses to forego the workout. I finally convince myself and it wasn’t much convincing at all as the car drove right to the gym on my normal route after work. I am very impressed with people who continue their day at the gym after working 8, 9 and 10 hours. I do believe it is easier giving up the hour of the sleep in the morning then it is coming to the gym after working the entire day. This is exactly why I have always favored going to the gym before work as opposed to after work.

Anyhow I got in a very good workout and this was my very last intense run before the marathon on Sunday. My intensity has ratcheted up but the distance of the runs have come down precipitously over the past two weeks. In fact this was the shortest albeit fastest run of my training session since it started over 10 weeks ago. It is hard to believe it has been 10 weeks already and June will arrive in only a few days. I got through the intense short run and there are times where I question whether or not I came make run 26.2 miles. There really is no doubt in my mind that I can run the 26.2 miles because I have done it four times before. I have started five marathons and finished four; the only non-finishing event was the marathon in Phoenix back in 2004 where I developed tendonitis in my knee and had to call it a day at mile 15. I did feel terrible when my daughter said, “Daddy, what are you doing, get back in the race”. But I couldn’t go any further and of course in retrospect I could have “gutted” it out over the last 11 miles but who knows maybe the tendonitis would have been worse.

I didn’t run another marathon for almost two years as I took the time off to recuperate only concentrating only cycling for quite awhile. Then at the end of 2004 with my life utterly out of control I wanted to run the Los Angeles Marathon followed by the New York Marathon and finish with the Boston Marathon all starting in early 2005. Well that planned got derailed for a few years as my misdeeds and my secret life was discovered and running in these marathons became a distant hope. However; through recovery I was able to run in the Las Vegas and Los Angeles Marathons in December of 2005 and March of 2006 respectively. The Las Vegas Marathon was my best marathon by time and the Los Angeles Marathon wasn’t my best marathon and wasn’t my worst marathon. After this my running was relegated to the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitations over a period of 19 ½ months.

Running was one of the many things that kept me sane throughout my incarceration. I did log a few miles around the “yard” and the “camp” over that period. I am so grateful I had the opportunity to get some type of physical exercise because earlier on I had no physical exercise for the first thirty. Now all of this is over and in less then 48 hours I will be running through and around the greater San Diego area relishing every step of the 26.2 miles. Of course I have some time goals set for myself but the key is the opportunity to actually run the race without anything crazy thoughts swirling in my head. Running gives me peace, serenity and tranquility and this upcoming run will be extra special in so many ways. I’m not sure how many people who get released from prison have the opportunity to run in a marathon three months later which is why I will enjoy the journey. This is what life is all about; “enjoying the journey” one step at a time.

My workout was over yesterday evening and returned home where I made myself a very nice dinner of mushroom risotto. No, I didn’t make this from scratch rather I bought it frozen from Trader Joe’s and heated it up in the microwave. It was delicious and very inexpensive. I think something like this would go for $14 or $15 at a restaurant but it was mine for $2.49. While I ate I spoke with one of my good friends and later on another of my good friends returned home and we had yet another of our great conversations. This great conversation did last past my normal bedtime but as always it was well worth it.

Even though I went to sleep much later then I anticipated I was still up in time to get in my morning workout. This was my last run before the marathon and it felt very good. I have some stiffness in my shins but nothing anything like it was a few weeks ago. I will take the next day off in preparation for the marathon on Sunday. I have put in the miles and intensity so it is going to be a wonderful run come Sunday.

The morning workout was over and I headed into the office for an hour before I had to partake in my usual Friday golf game. Yet another dear friend has become my Friday golf partner over the past month and we are still getting some rather good deals on some very nice golf courses. Today was no exception and we played one of the higher end more difficult courses in the area. It does pay to shop around and this high end golf course was played for one-third the normal price. I had a great time with my dear friend even though I didn’t play very well. The more difficult the golf course the higher more score gets and today was no exception; however; the weather was beautiful and the company grand.

As we ended our golf game my friend invited me over his house for dinner. Normally because I am two days away from the marathon today would be my carbo-loading day meaning I would eat pasta and lots of it. However; my friend suggested pizza and this gave me the opportunity to see another dear friend (my goodness I seem to have many “dear” friends) as we picked up the pizza. I had a wonderful time at my dear friend’s house and we even watched a basketball game. I have come a long way in just three years of recovery. Last night the Lakers won their playoff game to clinch a spot in the NBA finals and I had no idea they were even playing. At one point in my life (actually at several points in my life) I knew exactly what was going on in all sports but now I could care less. I have no problem talking about and even watching it tonight was refreshing from a “fan” standpoint as opposed to the “point spread” standpoint which I endured for some many years. I know I can never gamble again and I am extremely grateful for this because my life is so much better today then it has ever been in my life.

"Meltdowns"

It seemed as if both of my children were having “meltdowns” when I was speaking with them this afternoon. I don’t get to experience this often and it really has been a very long time since I there was a “meltdown” within my earshot but it happened today. I spoke with my daughter first and she seemed fine but as she handed the telephone over to her 7 year old brother the “meltdown” ensued. All I could make it was screaming and the words, “she kicked me”. The “fun” started from there. My son was reluctant to come to the telephone and it sounded much like a two year old not a seven year old. With some coaxing from my wife my son did come to the telephone and he proceeded to continue the two year old semi-tirade. This is difficult when being physically present so being 3,000 miles away makes it next to impossible. I could only rely on my words and nothing else.

I am a big believer in body action/language and this seemed to be an effective parenting method up until two years ago when I could no long rely on my physical presence. Make no mistake I don’t have a menacing physical presence quite the contrary but I do have a booming voice and some very good body language when needed. The booming voice doesn’t work on the telephone and the body language is also superfluous. I had to wait until the ruckus passed and the “meltdowns” were over only to hear my wife say, “welcome to my world”. In spite of this particular situation I do believe we have two wonderful children; however; these wonderful children do have their “moments” and this was certainly a “moment”.

I was surprised at the reaction of my son who did revert into a two year old and my daughter who went right to screaming like a crazy person. The past two years hasn’t been easy on any of them including my wife and I certainly can’t wait for the next month to pass so I can experience these “meltdowns” live and in person!! I am being serious because I want so much to be there with them and it now is literary a matter of weeks before we are reunited. I may have been preoccupied with my compulsive gambling but I thought I did an adequate job as a father always being there. I did have 16 months of being in recovery while my family was still with me and I do believe my parenting skills increased. However; now it has been awhile and my wife has been in charge for these past two years and I am eternally grateful to my wife for providing normalcy to our children.

It hasn’t been a secret that our children act differently around their mother then they do around me. My daughter stated the other day that she “isn’t afraid of her mother” and often tunes her out but she is a “little scared” of me. It is not my intention to “scare” or “frighten” our children. My wife and I just want our children to be respectful and it appears both of them have been a little less respectful to my wife and their grandmother recently. I don’t know what to attribute this to; the close quarters, the overall situation or something else but the fact of the matter is our children are doing something we don’t want them to do. There is not a whole lot I can do from this end other then to talk with them which is what I did this afternoon. I say things like “be respectful” and “what does being respectful mean?” to our children. My daughter is able to answer my questions but my son gives me the “I don’t know” quite often.

At this point all I can do is to be patient and know within a matter of weeks we will be together and hope the disrespect and meltdowns don’t get worse. This has been a difficult transition for everyone and I am eagerly awaiting our reunion as a family unit. It isn’t until this time that I can do anything other then talk to my children. The meltdown seemed to subside but we do have issues that will need to be addressed at some point. In the meantime my wife continues to do the best the she can under the circumstances and no matter the meltdowns our children are showered with love.

Yesterday evening I reversed my workout day once again. I had time between getting off work and my Wednesday evening dinner plans so I made my way over to the gym. This week I didn’t see anyone from my past and the workout was very good. After the workout I made my way to my dear friends’ restaurant where I had a wonderful meal and great conversation. This is a standing “dinner date” with my dear friends who remain friends in spite of my past. These are true friends who did not abandon their thoughts of me even after my misdeeds became public. Life is often peculiar as it progresses because these dear friends were made as I was in a certain place at a certain time. I think the word is kismet because all the stars seemed to line up for me and my dear friends as we met for the first time over 6 years ago. We have kept in touch over the years and now I have dinner with them on Wednesday evenings.

The night was longer then usual and I arrived home much later then usual. I only had a few minutes to speak with another dear friend and it was then time to go to sleep. Since I had worked out hard yesterday evening the prospect of me getting up to workout again early in the morning was very slim. I did sleep-in and I seemed more tired then usual. I finally dragged myself out of bed and made my way into work.

There are days we seem to go by so quickly and there are other days which seem to drag. Today was one of those days that went by so quickly. I wanted to do some errands this afternoon but never got around to those errands as I seemed busy with work matters. This is very good and I have to admit something very positive is happening at work. I can’t quite put my finger on it but all of these prospects are swirling about and one of these prospects actually came to fruition yesterday. This time of year is very slow because we are sort of on the state’s fiscal calendar and since most of the state money has run out we need to wait until July 1st before we can get rolling. However; yesterday unexpectedly one of the state agencies gave us the go-ahead to start one of these programs early and also may give us more money in the meantime. I took this as very positive news and made my day busier then the previous day.

I am eternally grateful for this position because my boss has given me the opportunity to prove myself once again. Yes, there are struggles but I do feel these struggles will all work out for the very best. I am in an unusual position because had the Center been in a better financial position I wouldn’t have had this opportunity so there is a reason for everything. I know everything will workout for the very best because it continues to do so each and everyday as I embrace recovery.

Michael Burke Compulsive Gambler

There is a “stat counter” attached to this page which records how many hits this blog receives on a daily basis. Not only does it count the hits on the page it also records where the hit came from and if it was a direct entry or if it came from a search engine and what that particular search may have been. I receive most of the hits from direct entry which are most likely limited to my dear family members and friends. I do however; get the off the beaten search for items such as “compulsive gambling,” “I am married to a compulsive gambler,” “what the bleep do we know?” and other items. Today I received a search for “Michael Burke compulsive gambling”. I guess I have typed quite a bit of words in the past three years and this blog does pop-up on many often unrelated Google searches.

I was curious as to whom “Michael Burke compulsive gambler” might be so I clicked on the search string. I came across this site and found a very similar story to mine. Mr. Burke has taken it the next level in writing a book which is due out in a few days. What I found remarkable that the book has been published by the American Bar Association the same association he was associated with as he served as an attorney in the state of Michigan. Mr. Burke was disbarred due to his crimes committed to support his compulsive gambling addiction but it appears through recovery his life continues to get better each day. I did not notice a mention of his recovery through Gamblers Anonymous but he did mention Alcoholics Anonymous.

This person “cross-addicted” from alcoholic to compulsive gambler even though he was an active member of AA; this brings me to an observation about 12 step programs. Often I have heard how other people who are involved with different 12 step programs end up being a compulsive gambler. This is the lure of the compulsive gambling addiction; that one big win to solve all of our problems. This is a huge myth and as I stated last night during the Gamblers Anonymous meeting there isn’t a win big enough to solve “all” of my problems. If for someone reason I continued to gamble and had that big win I know it is just superfluous to everything. Compulsive gambling is an emotional illness not a financial problem. The financial problems are caused by the emotional illness not vice versa.

This brings me to another point which is how can a person who truly works their 12-step program cross addict into another addiction? The power of the 12-steps provides a positive way of life in every aspect so how can a person “hurt” themselves by going to gamble or the gambler going to drink or doing drugs or even any other addiction. I don’t know the answer to this and I have often heard “I was really working my fill-in the blank 12-step program but I couldn’t stop gambling.” Maybe it is that big myth of having the one big win to solve all of our problems but I do believe as long as I embrace the 12 steps of recovery and unity and work the Gamblers Anonymous Program to the best of my ability my life continues to get better with each passing day and there is no doubt this has been the case over the past three years.

Mr. Burke also spent time in prison and much more time then me. It does appear he has found some form of recovery and is giving back in everyway possible. My story has never been unique and this is yet another example of where this horrible disease can take a person. There was an interesting passage where Mr. Burke speaks about the first time he “borrowed” his clients funds to gamble and thinking how that was the end of his legal career yet the compulsion to gamble overwhelmed all rational thoughts. I too had a similar thought pattern when I was stealing from my employer. In a brief moment of clarity I tucked my daughter into bed, kissed her goodnight and thought to myself “honey, I love you so much in spite of what I am doing (stealing)”. This moment of clarity was indeed very brief because the very next day I continued the thievery.

The end to my gambling had to happen the way it happened or else I would still be doing it. There were many times I could have just stopped and walked away. This was even a full month where I didn’t “borrow” any money yet after that month the “borrowing” escalated higher then it ever had been before. Compulsive gambling is truly a sickness and thank God I take my vitamins through the Gamblers Anonymous Program to keep this sick at bay. I know this sickness will never go away which is why I want and need the GA Program in my life. I wish Mr. Burke the best in his endeavors and I am fairly certain his life just like mine is so much better without gambling then it was with gambling.

Last night’s GA meeting was excellent and the attendance was back up to the Tuesday evening standards. Someone commented that it was like a “topic” meeting because everyone’s therapy seemed to have the same theme. It is a wonderful place to share whatever is on my mind and this usually centers on how my life continues to improve through the GA Program. Someone also mentioned that a pill should be designed to remove the addiction of compulsive gambling from the brain and this maybe a good idea for some people but to me that is just a short term fix.

The long term fix is about providing a progressive character change. After all compulsive gambling is a progressive disease which never gets better only worse which is why recovery is a progressive process that gets progressively better never worse!!! The choice is clear for me and I choose to progressively get better not worse!!

More Character Defects

My life is all about honesty and so is this blog. There is no reason for me to sugar coat my feelings yesterday. Yesterday was a holiday and the office was closed but this didn’t preclude me from going into the office. Truly I go into the office because I don’t have much else to do and it really is a great place to meditate especially when no one is in the office. This is not where the “full disclosure” comes into place. The “full disclosure” comes in regards to the Monday evening speaker’s meeting yesterday evening. I was a bit hesitant about attending the meeting because I had preconceived notions about the speaker. These thoughts go against every principle in the Gamblers Anonymous Program and I was fighting these thoughts.

I have come a long way in my recovery but I still have a ways to go and I doubt I will ever arrive at the “perfect” destination. I will continue to do my best and yesterday my best was filled with convoluted thoughts. I am human and there is no need for me to make excuses since my feelings were my feelings; right, wrong or indifferent. These feelings were certainly wrong and I am learning each and every day.

I didn’t have much going on yesterday and couldn’t find the proper “excuse” to miss the GA meeting so I attended. I am so happy I attended the meeting because my preconceived ideas and notions were so unfounded I am ashamed of myself. The Gamblers Anonymous Program speaks of taking inventory of only ourselves and not of others. This is another one of my character defects because I do take inventory of others and I was doing this yesterday. I must apologize for my inner behavior since I had no right to feel this way. The Speaker’s meeting was very good and it did teach me a valuable lesson which is to stop taking inventory of others.

It seems so easy to take inventory of others and certainly not myself. This is the same very thought that lead me to the path of almost total self-destruction. I am no better then anyone else and I have to stop looking down on people. Everyone has a good natured Spirit within themselves and I need to start focusing on this good natured Spirit. I am very blessed to be part of a fantastic program of recovery and to be surrounded by magnificent people. I have made true friends through Gamblers Anonymous all across this country and I need to do a better job of applying the principles of the program to my daily affairs. I am grateful for this valuable lesson and I am eternally grateful to the GA Program which continues to save my life each and everyday.

The meeting ended and yes, it was another very good Speaker’s meeting with that same basic story; gambling made my life a mess and recovery continues to clean-up this mess. No matter the socio, economic, ethnicity, gender or any other human criteria compulsive gambling shows no favorites and affects everyone. This disease not only affects the compulsive gambler but affects those close to the compulsive gambler. It is a very insidious and baffling disease and make no mistake it is a disease much like cancer. If compulsive gambling is left unaddressed lives are consumed much like the cancer cell takes over the body. These are both gruesome diseases and even though there are no known cures for these diseases at the very least remission/arrest can be attend through therapy. This therapy for me is the Gamblers Anonymous Program and I continue to achieve a much better way of life one day at a time.

After the meeting I returned home where the rest of the night was spent troubleshooting a computer with my dear friend. We both know enough about computers to be dangerous but not enough to actually effectuate any significant change. However; this didn’t deter either one of us from giving it the old “college try”. We tried many things and had very limited success. We did give ourselves a scare but the scare was short-lived as we corrected our mistake. All in all we spent a few hours only to still have the problem and we certainly need a real professional to assess the situation.

The tinkering around with the computers was over and it was time for me to retire to bed. I was well rested last night because I was tired at my normal bedtime. I bumped around the channels for a few minutes and then I feel asleep. It wasn’t my best night’s sleep and I have noticed that the days where I am directly involved with my “reminder” I seem to have more difficulty in sleeping. This is another area I need to work on because I have nothing to fret about since I am doing the right things on a daily basis. However; I still get uneasy and I have a feeling this will stay with me even when I am finally released from parole next March. It truly “is what it is” and I need to let go. This is much easier said then done but it is getting better albeit slowly.

I was up early for my normal workout routine and this week is a very easy week as I prepare to run in the marathon on Sunday. My running miles are decreased significantly as the 26.2 mile run fast approaches. Even though the intensity and miles were decreased sufficiently over the past few months I still got in a good workout and managed to someone sweat. This is my gage to a successful workout; “sweat”! The more I sweat the better the workout. My sweat my have been decreased but it was still a great workout through and through.

I made my way to the office where the staff had turned over significantly last week. Since the staff changed over I found myself playing receptionist part of the day. I am fairly certain I screwed up the appointment book but my best intentions were involved. I figured it wasn’t fair for the person who had to take off today to do some personal errands to come back to the office to over 20 voice mail messages. I went through each and everyone and scheduled the appointments. I won’t know my total damage until tomorrow but I can see a ripple effect happening as early as tomorrow. Anyhow I know in the past I wouldn’t have even of thought to offer my services in this area but now thanks to recovery I jumped in with both feet, hopefully I won’t drown!!!!

“What the bleep do we know?”

The pain is evident on most anyone that walks into a Gamblers Anonymous meeting for the first time and there are some who walk back into the room after trying to “control” their own gambling compulsion and their pain is evident as well. The Gamblers Anonymous Program provides a roadmap to any compulsive gambler that is willing to accept the fact that gambling has them defeated. It is a program of recovery and my wish is that anyone that walks through that door stays one day at a time for a lifetime. However; I know from my own experiences that this is a difficult task.

I was giving a “warning shot” at a very early age but I turned my back on this “warning shot” and tried to overcome my compulsive gambling addiction by myself. This was not the best way to go about embracing recovery as I failed miserably ending up in a very unlikely place; prison for crimes committed to support my compulsive gambling addiction. The reasons are clear as to why this had happened to me the way it did and I am eternally grateful for recovery. I had to be brought to my news in order to give up my seemingly never-ending need to control everything. I may be good at controlling certain aspects of my life but I am horrible at controlling gambling. In recovery and in the Gamblers Anonymous Program I know I am not alone and I am completely powerless to gambling. I have given up attempting to control my gambling which is why I choose to remain gamble-free one day at a time.

The pain, the destruction and the insanity can take a compulsive gambler years like it did me; however; now it can go much quicker and damage can be caused in a short period of time. I believe compulsive gambling is just a symptom of some disconnect in the brain or in life. I was disconnected to reality because I thought gambling was the answer to my entitlement and my ego. I lost contact with my Higher Power over the years and now in recovery I am slowly gaining contact with my Higher Power one step at a time. I have a long way to go as my Higher Power continues to redefine itself seemingly every week. I may continue to redefine my Higher Power but I know there is something greater then me which lets my ego get out of the way. I don’t need to have all the answers which is why letting go is the way to go.

I don’t have the easy answers for anyone that walks into a GA meeting for the first time or even a returning member. The only requirement for Gamblers Anonymous is a DESIRE to stop gambling. There are no dues, fees or membership required only the desire is required. I see people who have the desire and arrive at their first meeting in despair. Usually at the end of this meeting these members are feeling better because possibly for the first time in their lives they are surrounded by people who know exactly what they are saying and feeling. However; invariably many of these new members don’t come back for their second meeting and some only come for a few months thinking the worst is over. I know for myself I need and want GA in my life which is why I stay connected to the Program everyday.

Even when I was incarcerated I remained connected to Gamblers Anonymous because it truly is my lifeline to a much better way of life. I went almost one year without a meeting but my therapy and connection to GA was through letters to various members who are my dear friends. These dear friends then brought the meetings to me when I arrived at fire camp. These meetings/visits were Godsends and I do believe the work of a Higher Power. I came to seek comfort in these meetings and continue to receive comfort in the meetings out here in the free world. My life is entirely better now in recovery then it ever was when I was lying, cheating, stealing and gambling. All of this has been replaced with honesty, integrity and openness.

All of the wonderful things that are happening in my life are a direct result of recovery through GA. I would not be experiencing any of this had it not been for recovery which is why I thank my Higher Power each and everyday. Yesterday afternoon before the Sunday evening GA meeting I had the great pleasure of joining my dear friends and their family for dinner at a brand new restaurant. These are fantastic people and I continue to be amazed as to how well everything continues to work out.

The GA meeting was very good even though attendance was off a bit probably due to the holiday weekend. There doesn’t need to be a large group for a good meeting and some of the better meetings are with a smaller group. However; I do wish more people would embrace the program on a consistent basis. This is neither here nor near as I can only work my own recovery to the best of my ability and no one else’s. Anyhow the meeting was indeed very good and it was back home for the evening.

A good friend of mine gave me a copy of the movie “What the bleep do we know?” This friend thought I would enjoy the movie because there was a section on addiction in the quasi-documentary. I had heard about this movie a few years ago but not being in recovery at the time I really didn’t understand. Now the movie had a whole different meaning to me as it looked at quantum physics in every aspect of human life. Essentially the 90 minute movie was Dr. Wayne Dyer’s “The Power of Intention”.

The human mind is a powerful tool and our energies do set the foundation for our lives. Addictions only inhibit our true intentions and as one prominent psychologist stated, “addictions only hurt ourselves and dissuade us from becoming who we are meant to be”. This is very profound and the truth as I apply it to myself. Now I fully understand the “Law of Attraction” and being connected. Like attracts like whether it is positive or negative which is why I choose positive. I must remain connected to the source which continues to provide amazing events in my life. The only way I can continue this path is in recovery otherwise I am disconnected and addiction will completely obliterate my life. My life is enhanced in recovery and my connection true to the source each and everyday.

Much Better Venue

I returned to the airport to pick up my friend and yes, this is the least I can do for this wonderful friend. As I was driving I utilized my cell phone (albeit somewhat safely via a “Bluetooth” hands free device) and made several calls. I spoke with my Dad and this are now wonderful conversations as the topic usually centers on golf. My Dad is to put it lightly a golf “nut” but in a very good way and he has had so many theories in regards to the golf swing that I lost count after 1,000!!! My Dad was telling me about a session he recently had with a golf pro and revelation about his golf swing.

I found this particular “revelation” very interesting because I correlated it to my golf swing. I won’t go into the boring details (because God knows this blog is boring enough already!) but I will say I got something out of it. I would very much like to play a round of golf with my Dad but situations being what they are; he resides in Florida and I am in Southern California somewhat restricted to my movements about the country; I don’t know when we will play a round of golf together. The last time we played was over 4 years ago and if memory serves me right this is the last time I have seen my Dad which is must too long. I don’t believe I can work my father’s residence into our cross country plans in July but I do know we will have the opportunity to play soon enough.

This was a great conversation and after this telephone call I continued to place calls. I returned a call from a dear friend in the GA Program who was telling me about someone that recently attended a meeting that had a very similar story to mine. My uniqueness continues to diminish which in a sense is good for me but not so good for those that are faced with the same situation I faced over three years ago. I suspect my uniqueness ultimately will disappear as others will come with more significant issues then me. This is sad because it doesn’t have to be this way but I can’t stop anyway from doing what I did; I can only tell my story in hopes of helping at least one person.

I always enjoy speaking with this dear friend but I had to cut the phone call short as I approached the airport and I had another call. The other call was from a reminder of my current situation. When I receive these calls no matter how hard I try to “just let go” my heart jumps into my throat and I can feel my heart rate elevate. This was especially the case since it was a Saturday afternoon. I really only conjured up fear for myself and there is no reason for this fear. These feelings are all manufactured by my brain and hopefully someday I will stop feeling this way. However; for now I had the lump in my throat. The telephone call was just a courtesy call and I would have yet another reminder of my situation early this morning.

I quickly calmed myself down and made my way to the airport where I picked up my dear friend. We drove back from the airport and once again had very good conversations. It was around dinnertime and my friend was kind enough to stop and pick up dinner before we arrived back at the houses. We had a very nice dinner and our Saturday was all set up with the viewing of the “Suze Orman Show” followed by “Deal or No Deal”. This would be one of the last Saturday nights we share together as my next two Saturday evenings are booked. Next week I will be in San Diego for the marathon and the following week I will be in Palm Springs with my friends on a golf outing.

Yesterday’s version of the “Suze Orman Show” was a “Best Of” segment and was missing our favorite “Can I Afford It” segment. The “Can I Afford It” segment has become our favorite part of the program because it is quite entertaining. This is where people call-in to Suze with questions on whether or not they can afford to purchase some type of good or service. I know for myself the answer is “no” to this question no matter the good or service because I simply can’t afford anything at this time. However; it is entertaining hearing people ask for certain items while disclosing their finances. Last night was indeed a let down. “Deal or No Deal” was very good because this show reinvents itself even during the show. The producers are always keeping it fresh and if these same producers had anything to do with “Millionaire” game show which was all the rage a few years ago it probably would still be on prime time television.

The exciting Saturday evening had come to a close and I retired to my room. I had to get up early this morning in order for me to get my run in and get back to the house for my reminder before going to play golf. I was up early and right on schedule. I ran 8 miles as my intensity and mileage are way down since the marathon is next Sunday. The 8 miles felt great and I believe purchasing my new running shoes has alleviated any of the shin discomfort I have been having for the past few weeks. I am enjoying these running shoes and will enjoy the 26.2 miles of running in these shoes next week.

The run was over and I returned home for my reminder. Even my reminder was on time (even a little early) so I could get to the golf course on schedule. The reminder went extremely well and I continued to be amazed as to how “attitude is everything”. I may get a lump in my throat along with an elevated heart rate but my attitude remains positive and this continues to show great results. I was very encouraged with this reminder earlier today and after it was over I made my way over to the golf course. I was meeting a dear friend whom I have never played golf with before but we have talked about considerably over these past two years.

This dear friend is one half of the extraordinary great friends that came to visit me while I was in prison more then anyone else. Their visits lifted my spirits immensely and over these past three months I have missed them. This may sound strange because in no way, shape or form do I miss prison but I do miss the consistent dedicated love that was shown over the past two years. I still have the love but life sometimes provides hurdles and obstacles out here in the free world. It is a little more complicated since I am out in the free world as opposed to when I was incarcerated I would always be available for a visit during the visiting days and hours. Now things like schedules, commitments, job and other “life stuff” get in the way. I wouldn’t trade this for the world and I am so happy I was able to golf with this great friend today.

We played a golf course neither one of us had ever played nor the reason why I chose it was due to the inexpensive cost. The golf course was interesting and could have been in a little better shape but did prove a challenge. I had a wonderful time and my golf game has become consistent over the past three weeks. I still have difficulty putting and I am now hitting more good shots then bad. My bad shots are still fairly bad but I have been able to makeup for these bad shots with more of the good shots. It was great playing 18 holes with this dear friend and it was a magnificent Sunday.

Registered

I sufficiently dried out and warmed up after the rainy golf outing yesterday. After the late lunch with my dear friend I made my way back to the office but before arriving I stopped at Starbuck’s. My mother was kind enough to send me gift cards to Starbuck’s so I could get more of my favorite; Tazo Chai Tea Soy Latte. As it turns out this is also my mother’s favorite (sans the soy) and as we were talking last week this beverage is very high in calories. I implored my mother not to inform me of the calorie content because if I knew how many calories were in the drink I would stop drinking it. This is how my mind works which is very strange indeed. If I know the calorie and fat content of a food item that is high in both categories I will stop eating it. I have very few “guilty pleasures” and they really only include pizza and the chai tea soy lattes at Starbuck’s.

There was a point in my life where I stopped eating pizza with cheese on it as I would ask for a pizza with only vegetables and sauce. I thought this was a bit too far in my finicky diet so I went back to eating pizza. I don’t eat pizza all that often but with my “free” pizza deal it is hard not to take advantage of this. The same goes for the chai tea soy lattes; I limit my intake to one a week and sometimes less then that especially if I don’t have any gift cards. I knew these were high in calories prior to the conversation with my mother which is why I limit myself. I could probably stand to put back the 8 pounds I lost since I was release from prison almost three months ago but for whatever reason I do watch my calorie intake.

I arrived at the office last night where I did mostly personal stuff which did include writing the blog. I also finally bit the “bullet” and registered for the San Diego Rock n’ Roll marathon. I figured “why not” and sure it will be different not having my family there but it will be wonderful running 26.2 miles through one of the most beautiful areas (San Diego) in the country only three months removed from prison. I was also researching hotels since I would have to wake up very early next Sunday morning and make the 65 mile drive to the start line. The hotels were either booked or extremely expensive; however; I came across a “hostel” in downtown San Diego.

Hostels are all the rage of students traveling throughout Europe and I had no idea there were any in this country. Since it is a “hostel” the bathrooms are shared per floor which is a unique concept at least to me and the rooms are very small. The rate is very reasonable and all I need is a place to lay my head the night before the marathon. At first I found the concept of sharing a bathroom a bit “foreign” but upon further thought I had shared a bathroom for over 19 months while I served my sentence so I am certainly not “above” sharing a bathroom. The more I contemplated the thought of staying there the more I convinced myself I should. Life is filled with experiences and now I know I don’t need 5 star lodgings to have a great experience. I am looking to fulfill a need and it appears this hostel does fulfill the need so I will be staying there next Saturday evening.

My night had come to an end and I made my way home where I spoke with one of my dear friends before retiring for the evening. I lay down and had a smile on my face knowing my life is headed in the right direction. I woke up a little later then usual and I figured I could save my exercise regimen until after the Saturday morning GA meeting. I watched a bit of the news and then got ready. I made my way to the meeting and I once again stopped at Starbuck’s.

This morning it was to get a green tea since I restrict myself to one Chai Tea Latte per week. As I was walking into the Starbuck’s I heard my name being called. I glanced to my right and notice a person from my past. As was the case earlier this week I didn’t immediately recognize the person but after a few seconds the face registered. This was a person I had business dealings with at my previous job and as it turns out this is a very good person. We shook hands, hugged and spoke briefly. It was great to see this person and I got that warm sense when I was speaking to this very good person. It seems the consensus comment I receive when people who haven’t seen me for almost two years (if not more) is “you look good”. I guess prison did me well in terms of physical appearance!! Prison did me well not only in physical appearance but emotionally. I do have this inner peace and I can feel it growing stronger with each day as I stay focused in recovery.

This was a wonderful way to start the day and I drove off to the GA meeting. The meeting was very good and something “hit” me during a member’s therapy. The member was talking about “promoting” the ills of gambling and I knew exactly what they were trying to say. Gamblers Anonymous does not take any positions on any issues because it would destroy the unity and the sanctity of the program. I think this is wonderful; however; there does need to be an organization such as Mother’s Against Drunk Drivers. There are so many people who are becoming adversely affected as the proliferation of gambling continues to engulf this country. There are states agencies such as the California Council on Problem Gambling which I hope to become more involved with over the summer but there doesn’t seem to be enough being done.

I was watching PBS last night and several states have initiated an awareness program in regards to Meth use and it seems to be working. I had heard commercials in regards to problem/compulsive gambling when I was in prison but I have yet to hear these commercials again, I guess the agency has run out of money. I do believe these programs provide value in the awareness category. The more awareness the better and someday there will be a problem/compulsive gambling curriculum in the grammar, middle and high schools as to the ills of compulsive gambling. This isn’t the answer to getting rid of problem gambling because that is impossible; however; if it helps one person stay away from the problems caused by compulsive gambling then it was well worth it.

Friday Golf Outing

What crazy weather we are having here in Southern California. As we sat in the Olive Garden for lunch the skies opened and it poured down rain. There were reports of golf ball size hail and tornadoes in the area. The skies turned black and the rain was fierce during the lunch hour and didn’t clear up the rest of the day. It was a great day to crawl up next to a fire with a loved one and a good book.

Unfortunately my loved ones are 3,000 miles away and I don’t exactly have a “fire” to crawl up next to so I went back to the office yesterday afternoon. The afternoon passed by quickly and before I knew it the work day was over and with it the work week. My schedule has worked out very well with me putting in considerable hours between Monday and Thursday. I also seem to be in the office on the other days of the week but most of this is personal time as I really don’t have much else to do. The day did come to an end and I wish the two departing colleagues the best in their future endeavor.

I have only been here a little less then three months but I have seen some interesting turnover for such a small staff. I am sure it is just a “timing” matter but I surmise I may have something to do with it. The next two months are very critical for the business and I do believe we can make it and after that the rough part will be in the past. However; as I continue to learn in recovery it is best to take things one day at a time. No matter what transpires in the future I know as long as I embrace recovery each moment my life continues to improve and my family will be here very soon which means the world to me.

I had enough of work and made my way home. On my way home I stopped at the local health food store (Henry’s Market) which has quickly become one of my favorite places to shop for food. The only issue I have and this is very pervasive issues for everyone are the prices of food. The prices are much higher then two years ago and normally prices at “health food” stores are inflated but there really isn’t much of an alternative out there other then becoming a recluse and growing my own “organic” foods. I may have changed my outlook on life but I am very far from becoming a recluse and a farmer.

I went to college for a reason and that wasn’t to work with my hands not that there is anything wrong with that, in fact there are so many talented people in the world who make a great living with their hands but I am certainly not one of them. The extent of my “hand” work is done on the keyboard and nowhere else. I wasn’t blessed with the mechanical ability and I have difficulty with spatial matters so I will leave this to the experts. In the meantime I must practice frugality at the grocery stores which is why I limit my purchases to items on sale. This was the case last night but I still managed to spend money and had very little in return. Thankfully I don’t require much food and as my friend stated today, “you (me) could eat a half of a Powerbar and it would last you 3 days!” This was a bit of an exaggeration because I do eat my share of calories but I can limit those calories as well. In any case I still have to eat and subsequently spend money on those items.

I finished my shopping and called my wife on the way home. This was my second telephone call to my family for the day and I do miss them tremendously. July can’t arrive soon enough but I will be patient. Anyhow my wife had informed me earlier that both of our children are in need of braces. This really isn’t much of a surprise since both my wife and I had braces and a visual inspection of our children’ teeth reveal the need for braces. This was confirmed by an orthodontist. Even the best dental plan has very limited coverage of orthodontic procedures so we will add this to our list of expenditures. Life is funny how these little things can add up to big things if I make them to be but I choose to let it go or as we stated in prison, “let if FLOW”. Sure money can be a factor if I allow it but the braces will get paid for and life will continue to flow in a positive direction. There isn’t much I can do about this other then earn the money to pay for the procedures which is what I will do.

I arrived home and had a great conversation with my dear friend about an array of subjects. These are always great discussions and I continue to learn from my dear friend. The evening was waning and it was time for me to retire to my bedroom. I was up early this morning taking my good friend to the airport because as I have mentioned before this is the least I can do for this great friend. After returning from the airport I got in my daily workout which was a shortened version at least for me.

I wanted to get in a workout before I went off on my Friday golf outing. Yes, Fridays have become golf outing Fridays with another dear friend of mine. However; today the weather did not cooperate. We drove to the golf course with raindrops falling down but nothing big and when we arrived it wasn’t raining so we decided to play. My friend had never played in inclement conditions before but I have and it really isn’t pleasant. This doesn’t happen often out here in Southern California so there is no need to torture ourselves under these conditions.

The rain started coming down by hole number three and the wind picked up. We made it through the first nine holes and as we played the tenth hole the rain was really coming down with a very strong wind but we continued. I hit my best shot on the 15th hole and actually birdied the hole even under terrible conditions. However; by the next hole I was so drenched I couldn’t even hold the golf club and I turned to my friend as I was shivering and said I had enough. He agreed and we headed into the clubhouse. We were both very wet and cold so we decided to have lunch to dry out. We had a very nice lunch and in spite of the inclement weather it was a great day all around.

New Running Shoes

My dinner plans yesterday evening were cancelled so that left me with the choice of going to workout or being lazy. I chose to workout and got in a fantastic session. While I was doing my core exercises I noticed a person nod at me as they were walking through. I did not immediately recognize this person but after a few seconds I put the face with a name. This was a person I worked with at my previous employer. I did not work directly with this person but we know each and had a work/business relationship.

This wasn’t the person I thought I would have run into at the gym and I suspect I will run into that person sometime soon. Anyhow I nodded back and went on with my workout. I went through my weightlifting routine and made my way over to the exercise cycle. As I was riding the exercise cycle this person came up to me and shook my hand while asking how I was doing. My response was “very well, thank you and everything is working out for the very best”. His response to this was “yes, it always does,” and he gave me a big smile while walking out of the gym.

I too had a smile as they walked out of the gym and one of my fears had been alleviated. As much as I like to play the “live and let live” attitude when situations such as this one arise I can feel my heart rate increasing. I do believe in the “what you think of me is none of my business” but in practice this seems to be something else. What I have done was wrong and will always be wrong. I can’t change that I can only embrace recovery each day which is exactly what I choose. It is great to see everything coming together and I have no doubt this will continue one day at a time.

I had a warm feeling come over me as I was having this very brief conversation and when it was over I cycled with inner warmth. There are people who will never understand and that is okay by me because I accept the fact I have no control over their thought processes. It is amazing that for the most part everyone I have come in contact with is so supportive and my life continues to get better because of recovery. This was an example of how everything is working out for the best and I am eternally grateful.

I completed the workout a very sweaty person (once again). I have noticed my endurance has increased tremendously over the past few weeks and I am indeed ready for the marathon next week. As I prepare for the marathon my new running shoes arrived yesterday. I did get a very good deal on these shoes and they are a pair of New Balance running shoes which I have never owned before. The internet is a powerful tool and after researching for quite some time I settled on these shoes because of reviews by other runners. I have extremely high arches on my feet and I need a certain type of running shoes. This high arch precludes me from wearing certain regular shoes such as loafers and anything that doesn’t secure the foot to the shoe. My running shoes are no exception and usually these running shoes are very expensive but through the research I found this pair.

I couldn’t wait to try out my new running shoes and even though I worked out last night I was up early this morning all ready for my workout. Essentially this amounted to a double session workout because I had less then twelve hours rest between sessions but this did not stop me. The running shoes felt divine and I do believe I had worn out my other running shoes which was causing the problems in my shins. Immediately I could feel the difference between my new running shoes and my old running shoes. These shoes are so much lighter then my other shoes and are so much more responsive. I didn’t have any discomfort in my shins even though my intensity was very high as I ran. In fact this was my highest intensity I have experienced since I started training for the marathon. My feet felt great and my shins were starting to heal. I had a wonderful run and I am looking forward to the marathon.

I made my way into work this morning and my duties are getting less and less with each passing day. There really is only so much I can do under the circumstances so I do my best to keep myself busy. I had a personal task to tend to this morning and I am hoping this personal task leads to good things. I have made so many dear friends in the past three years and one dear friend continues to be my “sensei” in so many matters. This dear friend once again steered me in the proper direction and I am forever in their debt.

I completed this personal task and it was time to go to lunch. Today was a special lunch because two very good people are leaving the facility and we were having a “good-bye” lunch for them. The restaurant of choice was “Olive Garden” and the last time I was in an Olive Garden was in New Jersey prior to my sentence as my wife and I sat down with a very special couple who had experienced what we were about to experience. It was nice walking into a restaurant knowing those things are now in my past.

It is very interesting because I have never been a big fan of Olive Gardens because I do think their food is mediocre. However; today as I walked into the restaurant I noticed how nice a facility it really is. I have never noticed this before and I do believe my mind was closed off. Now in recovery my mind is open and I am seeing things I haven’t seen before which is wonderful. The restaurant was very nice and the lunch was very good. The food is still average but with my palate this really doesn’t matter!!

Awareness is Positive

Apparently the level of awareness for “problem” gambling is being raised with the whole Charles Barkley issue. I read a very good editorial on this subject which can be accessed here. The whole issue will be raised again or rather is being raised even higher as the NBA referee Tom Donaghy faces his sentencing in July as he wager (compulsively) on NBA games while he was a referee. It appears Mr. Donaghy is receiving treatment for his compulsive gambling whereas Mr. Barkley is in a state of denial about his compulsive gambling. I will not take inventory of others as God knows I have many of my own character defects to address; however; I was a person who denied his compulsive gambling addiction for over 20 years which led me directly to prison.

Thankfully through recovery and most importantly in recovery my life continues to get better with each passing day. I wish Mr. Barkley well as he seeks to “quit gambling for a year or two”. I can only speak from my own experience and state that I two quit for several years but I was never in recovery which is why ultimately I went back to gambling. I know as long as I work the Gamblers Anonymous Program the way it is designed my life is enriched in so many different aspects and I am eternally grateful.

I was very tired for some reason this morning and I decided to take the morning off from exercising. I slept much later then usual and knew it was later then usual when I woke up and saw that it was light out. I usually wake up when it is still dark out but with the time change being moved up a few weeks and the time of year the sun is rising earlier and earlier. This is still no excuse and the bottom line I was tired this morning and needed more rest. Also this evening I was scheduled to have a late dinner with a very dear friend (this dinner has subsequently been cancelled) and I would have plenty of time to workout prior to dinner. Now as it turns out I have all evening (if I choose) to exercise at my leisure.

I got up this morning and took my time. I did turn on the television and the big stories were the Democratic primary which appears to be finally wrapped up by Barrack Obama even though Mrs. Clinton refuses to give up. There is a reason she is still in the race and I think she is the only one to understand this reason. Whatever the case it appears the candidates for president are set barring any unforeseen circumstances for the election in November. It maybe a good thing I am not allowed to vote this year because I don’t know who I would actually vote for. My allegiance doesn’t swing to a particular party and I do my best to select the best candidate no matter the party affiliation. I don’t know who the best candidate is because I can see faults in both of these men. In fact, I see more downside then upside but in reality whoever takes over the presidency is in for a difficult time.

I had my fill of the early morning news after 15 minutes and got out of bed. I made my way to work and days like today I am the first one in as most everyone starts much later. I had some work to do and while I was doing work my cell phone rang and it was a great friend. We had a wonderful conversation and this friend is a relatively new friend that I met because of my situation. My life is enriched beyond belief because of recovery and because of my situation. I am very blessed to be experiencing all of this goodness in my life. We talked about various topics and the topic led to problem gambling and the fact that the National Council for Problem Gambling’s Annual Conference will be held in Long Beach, California next month and most likely the two of us will see each other at the conference.

Yes, it was a great conversation and I went back to work where I noticed I received an email from an email I sent a few weeks ago. This email was in regards to the upcoming San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon next week. I had sent the reasons why I am running to the media department of the marathon and they want to interview me before the rest so now I guess I have to run!! I was looking for an incentive and now I have found this incentive.

It is my hope to raise awareness for problem gambling because all of the articles I have read and all of the interviews I have seen state the problem gambling is far behind alcohol and drug treatment. The issue of problem gambling is not going away anytime soon (if ever) and needs to be addressed. A state such as my state California sets aside $3 million for the treatment and awareness of problem gambling. This may seem like a great deal of money but the gambling coffers of the state rake in billions (yes billions with a B) of dollars in revenues and the amount of $3 million is a pittance. California is not even the leader in terms of dollars set aside for problem gambling issues. In fact Nevada, New Jersey and Mississippi aren’t even the top states when it comes to this issue. The top state is Indiana at $4.5 million.

I read today the state of Maryland is considering adding slot machines to their racetracks and part of that legislation would set aside $6 million for problem gambling issues. At the very least someone is thinking ahead. There is no doubt crimes will be committed, marriages will be lost, suicides will be contemplated and even fulfilled all due to gambling.

The vast majority of the general public can gamble like it is a form of entertainment; I am not part of this vast majority, I am in the minority and unfortunately my minority is growing in numbers. The estimate of problem gamblers is now between 6 to 9 million people which are big numbers even in the grand scheme of things. If I can only tell my story and it somehow resonates with someone then this has all been worth it. It has all been worth it because I have found an inner peace I have been lacking all my life.

"Hard" Work

It was time for the Monday evening Gamblers Anonymous “topic” meeting yesterday evening. The topic was “hard work and repayment of our debts” as it relates to our recovery in the GA Program. According to Gamblers Anonymous the best way to “financial” recovery is through hard work and repayment of our debts and bailouts of any kind are detrimental to recovery. These topic meetings are quite interesting and thought provoking. Often times I would like to be given the topic a day in advance so I could spend some time thinking about what that particular topic means to me but the meeting is designed to come up with our own thoughts when provided with the topic.

I did my best to come up with my own thoughts and it certainly was not one of my best therapies. The word “hard” connotes to me something that is difficult and in a sense this gives it a negative connotation. It is just an adjective and really shouldn’t mean much to mean to me; however; as I seek a positive existence I do my best to stay away from any negative connotations. I understand the emphasis of the word “hard” as it relates to this subject in Gamblers Anonymous. Often in my gambling career I sought the easy way to do things so coming into the program I needed to learn a different approach to life.

I do believe it doesn’t come down to whether something is hard or even easy; it comes down to it just is. My first “speed bump” or “alarm” in my compulsive gambling career came at an early age and I was bailed out of that particular situation. In retrospect and applying the principles of the program this was certainly the wrong approach. There is not one thing I can do about this now as it occurred over 20 years ago. No one had a crystal ball that told the story of how I would end up in prison 20 years later because I certainly didn’t learn anything from that first episode. I did learn many things from that first episode and none of those things were constructive. I learn I had to hide my compulsive gambling and I had to deny that I was indeed a compulsive gambler.

I denied for such a long that when my second episode arrived 10 years after the first episode again I was given a “bailout” and didn’t learn the right way. I continued to deny and hide my compulsive gambling addiction and this led to the third (and final!!) episode which landed me a stay in the California Prison System. I would have to fairly stupid not to learn from this episode but quite frankly if it weren’t for Gamblers Anonymous and recovery I doubt very much I would have learned even being separated from my family for 2 years and having my freedom taken away.

My denial was so strong I had to have handcuffs around my wrists and I had to be placed in a place I never in a million years thought I would ever experience. I lost a great deal of monetary items and a great deal of time especially being separated from my family. I continue to learn that those monetary/materialistic items don’t mean anything. I know I can never get back that time I have missed with my family but I can and I will continue to make the most of the time I have with them and everything else. It truly has been a new awakening and this new beginning is awesome.

The original topic of “hard work and repayments of our debts” does make complete sense to me because this is the way it needs to be. However; the work is not hard nor easy it is just what it is. My financial recovery is much slower then my emotional recovery which I find to be a positive. I know the financial aspects will continue to get better because I have removed a huge hindrance to financial recovery which I now no longer gamble so the prospects of my life continue to improve.

The meeting concluded with a thought provoking scenario; “Bad news—you are going to die tomorrow. Good news---I can give you five more years. Bad news---it is going to cost you everything (that is materialistically). What do you do? This is a no brainer because time is the most precious commodity in the universe. Time is constant and continues to tick on by (there goes another second!) and if I can spend a millisecond more with my family I would do it.

Time does tick on by and it is what I do with this time that decides whether or not I am living with a positive purpose. In the end (the very end!) no one is concerned with the amount of money in the bank or all the material items that have accumulated over the years; it is what those years have produced in terms of real human values. My life is not about accumulating things it is about having meaning for myself and for my family; and this meaning must be positive. It is with this positive purpose I go forth one day at a time.

I spent the rest of the evening trying to configure my laptop to the wireless internet and I was not very successful. I elicited the help of an expert and even this expert was perplexed. I did learn a few things about configuring a computer and how to find certain codes within the computer so all wasn’t lost. My computer expertise is limited at best but last night I got a crash course which may have not accomplished the ultimate goal but I did get something out of it anyhow.

Instead of turning on the television I picked up a book. The book I started over two months ago; Harlan Coben’s “The Innocent”. His writing style is so good that within seconds of reading the entire storyline came back to me without any provocation. This seemed to work much better as a sleep aid instead of the television. I found myself growing tired and put the book down where I fell asleep within minutes. I woke up very refreshed and ready for my morning exercise routine. I made my way to the gym and my shins were feeling good enough to attempt a run. I am in the “taper” phase of my running regimen as the marathon is only less then two weeks away so the running isn’t nearly as intense as it was a week ago.

I did step up my intensity just to see how my shins would react and the shins did come through very well. I am gearing myself up for the marathon in a week from Sunday and now I just need to register before the price goes up again. The workout was very good and much less intense then my usual but it was still demanding. I was ready for another workday and when I got to work I had a smile on my face. This smile faded slightly as a scenario arose which has arisen in the past but I quickly shook it off. I have no control of others as much as I want to exert this control I cannot and I do accept this fact so there is no reason for me to get upset. Everything does happen for a reason and I am maintaining that positive attitude and positive things will continue to happen.

Oh That First Instinct

I have always had this habit of once I get something stuck in my brain I seem to run with it. This maybe hard to believe but I am very impulsive person. I get a snippet of something and all of the sudden I have to have that something. A good example of this was yesterday when events in a span of minutes took me back to something I heard only a few days ago. I have been extremely blessed with incredible friends and of course an incredible family. These friends have given me so much and yesterday afternoon there was a situation that emphasized this incredible giving attitude.

I have been fortunate to have a place to live, a job and an automobile ever since I was released at the end of February. Everything is going all great and yesterday afternoon one of those items was in jeopardy. In a priority list the least important item was in jeopardy yet my dear friends maintained this for a few more weeks. It was inevitable that I would have to purchase an automobile at some point and I am forever grateful for the time I have been given with access to an automobile. (Please bear with me this all coincides, I hope at some point!!)

Another dear friend will be selling their call in the upcoming months and I had heard this a few days ago. The offer was not made to me to purchase the car but I filed that information in my head and as I mentioned early it is a scenario such as this one that stays with me. When I first heard this I thought I maybe able to make that work but didn’t think anything more of it so when the situation arrived yesterday I reverted back to this initial thought. Now with that said I am doing my best to be more fiscally responsible then I have ever been in my life. Yes, my finances are not exactly in the best of order but really considering the situation things could be much worse. However; now more then ever I must be very responsible for any purchasing methods.

I would like to avoid an additional car payment (as we or I should say my wife is paying for her car) but I would also like to avoid any large payouts. I have money that I must pay back to family and friends who lent this to me in a time of great need. I also have restitution obligations I must continue to administer. I did find out something very interesting the other day in regards to this restitution and if things go the way I believe they will go my restitution obligations will be reduced significantly. Anyhow I need to prioritize my expenditures and all of this is foreign to me. I may have had this persona of having it all together at some point in the past but I was a financial wreck.

The irony of it all is that my “stealing” actually made my financial position worse. If I were a true thief or a good thief; (as if there is such a thing!!) I am fairly certain things would be different. However; my compulsive gambling behavior precluded me from thinking rationally and is the direct result of all of these consequences. I am eternally grateful since I am now in recovery and my outlook on just about everything has changed for the positive. These issues are just minor and I firmly believe heck I more then believe I know everything will work out for the best. This does not mean I won’t concern myself with these events; it just means I won’t dwell over these events.

I realize I am going off the beaten path so please forgive me!! Anyhow I need to do a better job of thinking things through and not acting on my first instinct. It was this first instinct which has gotten me into trouble all of these years. I must say that sometimes my first instinct works out as my initial reaction is sometimes on target. It is those times where I continue to revert back to that first instinct and not really listen to any other alternatives. I have found an alternative in recovery and this is so much better than that first reaction which included gambling. I guess I am learning albeit a bit slowly.

The Sunday evening GA meeting was very good and we didn’t have any new members until the meeting was just about over. The old saying goes; “you are only late for your first meeting” and this person was late in both senses. It didn’t matter whether they were late or on time what matters is coming back and participating in the Program. It is an incredible program of recovery and I for one I am very grateful I finally made it to the program no matter how long it took me. I realize some people don’t understand nor enjoy 12 step programs as everyone is different. I believe they are missing something special but I wish them the best as they recover without GA. I know for myself I couldn’t recover without GA which is why I continue to attend meetings.

The evening was complete as I made my way home where I had to do my laundry since it was yet again, Sunday. I was able to process my laundry and also shored up our living arrangements come July. It has all come together in a way I couldn’t have possibly imagined or for that matter planned. I had an idea of what I would have like to have happened but what is actually happening is exceeding my idea. I did employ the Power of Intention and I do believe this helps but when there are incredible people in your life (as there are in mine) things work out much better then expected. The latter part of June is shaping up to be a busy time. I do want everything moved prior to the arrival of my family and I don’t want my wife to participate in the move this time. There will be another time in the near future that we will have to move again so she can wait. I want to have everything arranged prior to my departure to New Jersey and it appears this will happen.

I was very tired last evening from my time on the cycle and was falling asleep while watching the Warren Buffet interview on CNBC. I did find pieces of the interview fascinating and here was one of the world’s richest men displaying an incredible amount of humility. I was very impressed with his demeanor and very engaging personality. He does appear to be a genuine person which is what I am aspiring to be. I am done with the lying, cheating, stealing and being dishonest. I am doing my best to live life with honesty, integrity and a positive sense of being. Life is so much better this way and I am enjoying every moment.

I did adhere to my scheduled day off from exercising and my body was very happy to sleep in. I woke up and even my shins were feeling much better. I bit the bullet and ordered a new pair of running shoes this morning and thankfully I shopped around and saved over 30% from the original price and the place I would normally order from. It does appear I will run in the San Diego Rock n Roll marathon in less then 2 weeks. I think it is wonderful that I can be released from prison and run a marathon all in a span of 3 months, life is great!!!!

I would like to wish a big happy birthday to my nephew who is also our Godson; HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Five More Saturdays

There are only five more Saturdays until I get to be with my family. Yes, I have counted the Saturdays and there is significance to Saturday and my family. My children are at the age where Saturday is the day they take part in whatever activity is happening that particular time of year. Yesterday back in New Jersey they had soccer games and interestingly enough my wife is the coach of my daughter’s soccer team. My wife probably knows less about soccer then I do and I don’t know much about soccer other then the fact that the ball can only be kicked by most players and the goalie is allowed to use their hands. My knowledge base of soccer begins and ends there and I am fairly certain this is also the case for my wife. However; God bless my wife; my daughter’s team needed a coach and my wife volunteered her services.

I have written in the past as to how wonderful my wife is and this is another example of her greatest attribute which is giving. My wife is a “giver” and she certainly has given me a great deal and continues to give to the children. I also must say my wife is a bit more passionate when it comes to the children’s sport activities then me. I remember watching my wife during one of our children’s soccer games and she was very much into the game judging by her body language and facial expression. I can only imagine what is like for her to coach my daughter’s soccer game.

I was given a report on the soccer games and my daughter’s team (the one my wife coach’s) is still winless and my son did score a goal (he seems to score at least one goal each week) had lost their match as well. My daughter is quite the competitor and I’m not sure how she is taking the fact that her team has yet to win a game. There could be some “family” stress happening at least subconsciously as the season progresses. No matter my wife is doing an outstanding job providing normalcy to our children and in five more Saturdays I get to participate in whatever activity transpires on each Saturday thereafter. I certainly can’t wait for the time to elapse and we will be altogether once again.

My Saturday was not nearly as filled as my wife and children’s Saturday. I worked out, went to the GA meeting and talked on the telephone all afternoon long. I figured it was a great day to catch up on my telephone calls. I spoke to a few family members and a few friends. I am blessed to have access to some of the most outstanding people I have ever met. These are always great telephone conversations and my weekly letter from my sponsor has been replaced by this weekly telephone conversation.

This is a much better form of communication and hopefully my sponsor can understand me better then trying to decipher my handwriting in those letters!!! I must say it is so nice to sit at a keyboard and type as opposed to the pen and paper method I utilized for 19 ½ months. I have yet to handwrite a letter or much of anything else; my main method is through the keyboard which is so much better and those of you that have witnessed my handwriting you certainly understand what I am saying!!

I came into the office for a few hours last night to do some of that typing and it is kind of nice coming to the office when no one is there. I have no issue with being alone and during my incarceration it can be a lonely existence; however; I was rarely alone so I have come to appreciate these time when I am alone. I come to appreciate so much more in these past three months. Yes, I am approaching the three month mark since my release and time does move swiftly.

I also tidy up the housing situation yesterday afternoon and there weren’t any glitches in the plan. Everything is all coming together and the key for me is I have not forced anything. In years past I had a tendency to force things to suit my needs and not the needs of others. Through recovery I have come to learn this is one of my character defects and it is so much better letting go while trusting everything will work out for the very best. Everything does work out for the very best and that dark tunnel is now in the past.

We did reconvene the viewing of the “Suze Orman Show” and “Deal or No Deal” yesterday evening but we were minus one of the regular viewers. That was the extent of my Saturday evening until my good friend came home and we had one of our late night discussions. I was up way past my regular bedtime but as the conversation progressed I was not at all tired. This was a great conversation because the two of us are a great deal alike.

We share many of the same traits and when we speak to one another I always feel we are on the same wavelength. The conversation came around to “manipulation” and yes, right, wrong or indifferent I would consider myself someone who is more of a manipulator as opposed to being manipulated. I may have done this purposely in the past for less then honorable results but as I progress in recovery I still see myself manipulating but I think a better word is “facilitating”. In the past I have been blessed with a great career and yes, I threw that all away to gamble like an idiot but there was some good I did and I did work with some very good people. Maybe manipulator is a bit too harsh and I would consider myself now a facilitator or this is just another justification???

This morning was supposed to be my last long prior to the marathon in two weeks; however; my shins were very tight this morning as I got out of bed. I made my way to the gym pondering what I should do and when I arrived I made a decision to do the hardest workout I have ever performed on the exercise cycle. I have always thought the exercise cycle provides a much better aerobic workout then running and there is less (virtually none) wear and tear on my legs. I got on the cycle and peddled for over 2 ½ hours.

I learned my lesson from last week so I placed paper towels all along the exercise cycle so I wouldn’t formulate a lake. This worked very well and I had an outstanding workout. I was beat beyond anything I have done to this point. I wanted to make 3 hours but my mind along with my body just shut down. I trained extremely hard this morning and I felt like I had run a marathon. That is correct I peddled so hard my legs were still shaking an hour after the workout and I was a mess when I completed the workout. I went through two tee shirts during the session and even my running shoes were soaked when I was done.

I don’t know where I stand in terms of running fitness because there won’t be any more long runs prior to the marathon. I was contemplating whether or not I should run in the marathon due to the cost. I still haven’t registered for the marathon and there was a point this morning that I was willing to forego the marathon and run in a half marathon in August. I do enjoy the half marathons much better the then marathons because 13.1 miles is a perfect distance. The wear and tear on my body is minimized as opposed to the 26.2 mile runs and at least my family will be able to attend that run. I am still in between whether or not I will register for the marathon because I do need a new pair of running shoes and I need to practice fiscal responsibility.

I haven’t been the best at practicing fiscal responsibility in my lifetime which is another character defects. I have to think things through now and with the upcoming “vacation across America” I need funds for this trip. Between the running shoes and the cost of the marathon registration we can drive from Washington D.C. to Chicago so do I really need to run in the marathon? I need to answer this question and I need to answer it in the next few days. I will think about and will render my decision accordingly.

All Processing Nicely

I was awake very early this morning because my brain was up before the rest of my body joined in!! My brain was “percolating” at a conversation I had last night with my very good friends. I continued to be amazed as to how intelligent people are. I was thinking about a situation and sought advice from my friends. I not only got great advice I received something I hadn’t even though about. All of this has to do with our (my family and me) family’s upcoming living arrangement in July. I thought I had things all sorted out but there was something on my mind which is when I sought the advice. It only took a few minutes for my friend to come up with an excellent solution. I have and continue to trust and believe things will work out for the very best and they certainly continue on this path.

In the theme of everything working out this is what all came together last night in a matter of minutes. The idea was presented which was so very simple but it took my friend’s vast superior intellect (I mean this seriously) to come out with this very simple solution. Instead of moving into the house I thought we would be moving into we will be moving into a different house. This different house suits our needs much better then the other house since it is much bigger and has more bedrooms. I know my wife was concerned with when our families would visit us and where they would stay. This potential issue was resolved very quickly.

We not only get to move into a larger home we still have the potential of being homeowners or I should be more specific my wife has the potential to be a homeowner much sooner then anticipated. I lost my right to be a homeowner when I did the things I did to fortify my compulsive gambling addiction. It is just as well I lost this right because my wife more then deserves to be a homeowner much sooner then expected after all that I have put her through.

Yes, all of this came together very nicely last night and I lay in bed pontificating the pros and cons. There are some downsides to this solution but the upsides far outweigh the downsides and I am eternally grateful to all the magnificent people in my life. Make no mistake what I did (steal for my compulsive gambling addiction) was so wrong in so many different ways; however; there are currently some amazing people in my life providing me with some amazing opportunities. This all stems from the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I walked into that room over three years seeking help for my compulsive gambling addiction. I continue to get help for this addiction and I have gained so much more. I have gained friends who are true friends in every sense of the word. These friends have become guardian angels and they are angels to me. I am beyond fortunate to have these people in my life and it is all thanks to recovery.

I was up early because it was my turn to bring the “goodies” to the Saturday morning GA meeting. I wanted to ensure I left myself enough time to purchase the “goodies” (bagels with cream cheese as I opposed to purchasing donuts!) after my workout and before the meeting so I was up and out early this morning. I made my way to the gym where I had a great workout. I needed to take the day off from running yesterday and do the exercise cycle. In fact I split that workout up on the exercise cycle between yesterday and today. Normally I (to use a “prison” term) “break myself off” (a.k.a. hard workout) when I ride the exercise cycle but I took it easy (at least for me) on the cycle doing only one part of the workout yesterday and the other part today.

Oh yes, exercise is largely mental and my attitude was poor yesterday which led to a less then stellar workout on the exercise cycle. For whatever reason my attitude was great this morning which led to a great workout this morning. Attitude is indeed everything and I do my best to employ a positive attitude day to day but some days the attitude is much better then other days which was the case this morning. I got done with the great workout and it was off to the bagel shop prior to the meeting. I purchased the bagels and arrived at the meeting a few minutes ahead of schedule. I was the first one to arrive at the meeting room so I had my bagel while waiting for others to arrive. The other members did arrive and there were also some newer members in attendance.

I do enjoy when new members come for their first meeting and today the new member had a very compelling story. As this member told their story I couldn’t help but to think about my previous career path. I worked in the Gaming Industry for over 12 years and even though I didn’t have direct day to day contact with customers I was still part of the Casino business. Hearing the story this morning by this new member almost made me feel embarrassed for working in this industry. Here was a person who never gambled for a good majority of their life and then they decide to take a trip to the local casino. (There are several of these “local” casinos in this area of Southern California and I worked for the largest one in this area.) This first trip seemed fun but for the compulsive gambler the fun turned into just problems.

In years past and in my case it took me almost all of my adult life of gambling to cause major destruction and damage. This new member did all of their destruction and damage in less then one year. It wasn’t a lifetime of gambling it was only a short period of time. I thought more about this and I can see many people ruining their lives because of the ease of getting to the casinos (many are in residential neighborhoods) and the ease of obtaining credit. There never seems to be a shortage of credit cards, cash advances, payday loans and many other credit instruments. Heck if you are a good enough customer the casinos will cash your personal checks and may even hold them a few days while you “supposedly” make good on the checks.

I can see a compulsive gambler who may have not known they were a compulsive gambler turn their lives inside out after only a few days of gambling. It really is too easy to gamble now more then ever. I read a statistic that stated 90% of the U.S. population is within a two hour drive of a casino. This is mind boggling because up until 1977 the only place to legally place a bet in a casino was in Nevada now these casinos are everywhere. I am certainly not against casinos because they are now part of the United States landscape and are here to stay. This is a huge business and more people spend money in casinos then any other form of “entertainment”. The statistics bear out that between 4 and 5 percent of the people who frequent gambling establishments are compulsive gamblers and the fact that almost 90% of the population of the United States of America entered a casino within the last few years makes this 4 to 5 percent a large number.

I was reading an article about a fellow compulsive gambler who has certainly turned his life around. He was in Las Vegas speaking to various agencies about the pitfalls of compulsive gambling. You can find the entire article here. I found this fascinating and was wondering how this man went from prisoner to owner of a compulsive gambler rehabilitation facility in less then five years. I do believe the answer to that question is simple; RECOVERY. His is a success story and it is something I am doing my best to emulate. My goal is to also speak with federal, state, local, universities, colleges, high schools, middle schools and whomever else that wants to here the perils of compulsive gambling.

As I mentioned I worked in that industry for a number of years and made a very good living but working in that industry didn’t preclude me from becoming a compulsive gambler. I have often thought that it propagated my compulsive gambling addiction as I fought it with years of denial. Anyhow I fully understand that the vast majority of the population can gamble within a budget (I don’t like the word “normal”) and does treat like entertainment. I am not one of those people and my idea of gambling is insane to the regular people who gamble.

I cannot and will not gamble which is a large part of my recovery. I do believe that if the states sanction this type of activity there should be some funds set aside to assist the people who need it. Unfortunately this type of assistance is slow in coming. There are several items that may get passed but compulsive gambling is so far behind alcohol and drug treatment. I do believe this problem is only going to get worse and there will be more of my stories in the coming years.