New Year's Eve 2008

I purposely stayed in bed longer this morning as I wanted to make it all the way to midnight this evening. I had to hearken back to last New Year’s Eve when I was in my “captive” state as my roommate made it a point of keeping me awake until midnight in spite of my laments. It really is hard to believe that was 366 (leap year!) days ago as my world continues to get better and better with each day. There is no doubt in my mind that the pause button has been released and these days feel more like the “fast forward” button keeps accelerating. It has been an incredible year and as I lay in bed this morning I had to smile thinking how amazing everything in my life has become all thanks to a much better way of thinking and living. Gone are those days where I would have to map out my secrets and live in such a deep seat of denial. Life is so much better now with honesty and the secrets have now disappeared.

My wife had a very difficult time sleeping last night because she is battling a cold. My wife doesn’t do well with colds because they seem to take hold of her and not let go no matter what medications she ingests. She was awake at several points during the evening and mostly tossed and turned. I could hear the nasal voice this morning and I was hoping she would be alright for this evening’s New Years Eve festivities at our house. She is certainly a trooper and a little cold was not going to stop her from having fun this evening.

I did make my way to the gym for my last workout of 2008. My calf has almost heeled as I was not feeling any pain during the intense run this morning. I was indeed feeling some tiredness in my quadriceps which is to be expected as I pile the miles on this week. I wasn’t deterred and got in a very good run making all the way through the prescribed times. There is a point during many of my runs where I do melt into a “Zen like” state and running because almost effortless. This morning I got into this state halfway through the run and my mind was a complete blank. There are those who may say that my mind is a complete blank most of the time so this shouldn’t be any different!! However; this blank state of mind is more blissful than anything and it is my form of mediation.

Step 11 in the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program reads; “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” I am not so good when it comes to prayer and I am working on this and running is my form of mediation which is more than just being. I had mediation explained to me as listening to God but my definition is just being. Often times I would hear what I would want to hear and when I am just being I go into a very blissful state of mind which I believe is God showing the goodness that exists in all beings. I won’t get all “philosophical” now but I can say running puts me in a better frame of mind and this morning I was “being” the best I could be.

I completed my workout and headed home. I am a few things on my “to do” list but apparently the people I needed to speak with had already started their holiday so I didn’t get much accomplished. My wife true to form shook off her cold and was out and about getting ready for our evening festivities. The house was in order thanks to my wife and my children. Our children are incredible as they helped get the house in order for our dear friends this evening. My daughter has become quite the bathroom cleaner and since I have retired from this duty I couldn’t be happier!! My son takes some prodding but he did pitch in vacuuming the downstairs. It is so great to see them being able to take part in real chores.

The house was in order and my wife did try to take a nap before our dear friends arrived but she rested more than slept which hopefully helped her to feel better. Our dear friends arrived and we had a wonderful New Years Eve 2008 ringing or shall I say “banging” in the New Year. Yes, the children went to the old standard of banging pots with a spoon as the clock struck midnight. The joy in their faces was priceless as they banged the pots to their hearts content. Of course we had to send them outside because the banging was indeed quite loud and they seemed to revel at the idea of going outside at a time they would normally be asleep. In fact everyone did make it to midnight (some just barely!) and the New Year had arrived. Happy New Year everyone may 2009 be joyous, special and blessed!!!!

My Life Blood

I don’t know what has gotten into me but ever since the children have been off from school I seem to linger longer in bed. I am sure there is something to the fact of having my daughter and son both in the room with my wife as they were this morning. My daughter has been battling a cold for a week and she wanted to stay with my wife and me last night. Normally I am opposed but had to give in to both cute faces. With my daughter already in the room and my son making his normal early morning appearance it was very difficult to get myself out of bed and make my way to the gym. This is a far cry from the 19 ½ months of waking up either by myself or with 200 of my “closets” friends!! I will take the smiling faces of my wife, daughter and son any day so being an hour late to the gym really doesn’t matter.

After goofing off with the children I did make my way to the gym and yes, I am feeling the full effects of the culmination of the running regimen. I am at the end of training schedule and last week and this week has put me through some serious rigors. These two weeks will encompass nearly 130 miles of running and yes, I know there are elite runners who run this amount in one week but for little old me it is a great deal of running. I am hoping this will finally put me below my time goal so I will qualify for the Boston Marathon. My daughter did tell me the other day that I “better make that goal” so I am doing everything in my power to attain this goal. Really my daughter isn’t putting pressure on me and I think I am the one applying the most pressure to myself. Whatever transpires in three week at the Arizona Rock n’ Roll marathon will be for the very best because this is what happens in my life nowadays.

I did make through another tough round of running and my legs were feeling better than yesterday and the little calf problem is healing quite nicely. I am somewhat figured out my IPod much better now that I have been using it for awhile. I do notice that it isn’t the IPod which causes the sound to fade but the earphones. As the sweat drips (yes, that sounds awful, sorry!) down and sometimes it drips right into the earphone itself the sound immediately fades. At first I thought it had something to do with the IPod itself but it have become apparent it is the earphones. There is not a great deal I can do about this other than just deal with it and this is what I do. I do like the IPod and like having music while I am running so a little inconvenience is no big deal.

This afternoon my wife and I had lunch plans with a very good friend of mine. This is a friend who has seen me go through the past few years and has been a great friend through and through. Oddly enough my wife had never met this friend until today even the two had spoken on the telephone several times during my incarceration. I was happy my wife could finally meet this friend and we had a very enjoyable lunch. The conversation was easy and although my wife’s lunch wasn’t up to par everything else seemed to go very well. This was a great way to spend the middle of the day.

I didn’t have much on the agenda so my wife and I took the time to do some shopping for our New Year’s Eve get together with our dear friends. My wife truly enjoys shopping and it really is the “act” of shopping not necessarily the “buying” of shopping. I hope that makes sense? My wife has always enjoyed shopping and really it doesn’t matter whether it is for her, me, our children or for food, clothes, toys and whatever else comes to mind; she really enjoys shopping. I on the other hand bring “balance” to the equation because I don’t like shopping at all. Our children have even commented on the differences when they shop with me and when they shop with their mother. They prefer going with me because it takes a fraction of the time!

This afternoon I did my best to balance the equation but my wife is very tenacious when she shops and I think I caved in somewhere along the line!! We were able to purchase the items for the get together along with the necessary food we needed since we haven’t gone food shopping in a very long time. I was reminded by my wife why she likes to go by herself as I hurried her along but again I am certain she got her way this afternoon.

This evening I made my way to the Tuesday Evening Gamblers Anonymous meeting. It was very good to go to the meeting and see some people I haven’t seen in awhile. The meeting was very good and was very well attended. I am always so happy to be in the room when the meeting commences because this is my life blood. I am glad to have finally found a place where I can recover from my compulsive gambling addiction. I realize that people come in and out of GA all the time and in my short time of less than 4 years I have seen my share of these people. However; for me there is the need and the want to come and be a part of the meetings. I will start my Secretaryship a week from Monday and I have lined up some very good speakers for the first two months already. Life is truly remarkable in recovery!!

Forgive Not Forget

I was asked if I had forgiven myself over this past weekend and I did have to stop and think about the question before answering. Yes, I have forgiven myself and I do go back to a discussion I had with my older sister about forgiveness. I was reminded in that conversation that to forgive does not mean to forget and therein lies the “rub”. I cannot dwell on my past mistakes but on the same token I can NEVER forget those mistakes.

There is a proper balance that I still struggle with just about every day. Thankfully I know enough not to get so down on myself because my life has turned around considerably from those days of lying, cheating and stealing. I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t say that I do regret all those actions and if I had come out of denial a little sooner things would have been different; however; as I have mentioned all along this is exactly the way it had to happen for me to finally learn my lesson. Thus; I have forgiven myself but I still struggle with those regrets.

In this same conversation I was told a very profound statement which stated that everything in life is just temporary and the only permanent action is death. This may sound stark but I don’t view it as stark I view as very real and very positive. I went through some unbelievable experiences but all of those experiences were just temporary. It is up to me what I do with this temporary experience to make the very best out of every day. This is exactly what I try to do each and every day since life is dynamic and death is most certainly static and there is no changing that. I like the fact that every day becomes a blessing and I continue to be blessed in every facet of my life.

This morning I was feeling a bit run down and still feeling the after effects of running 24 miles on Saturday. My calf was hurting and along with the usual tightness in my quads. I was seriously considering taking today off or just riding the bicycle but once I started to move around I realized I was feeling better than when I was just laying in bed. Last night I did take some ibuprofen before going to bed which is an unusual move for me.

I have refrained from most medications over the past few years and most certainly since I returned from my sentence. However; on the advice of a Physical Therapist I work with I did take the ibuprofen and didn’t sleep very well. I was half awake and half asleep all night long and when my son made an impromptu visit to our room in the middle of the night I didn’t get a good night’s sleep at all. Yes, my son does have a habit of sleepwalking but his sleepwalking is relegated between his room and our room and it doesn’t happen every night.

As I started to move around this morning I thought I should make my way to the gym since this is really the last week of any intense running as I lead up to the marathon in a few weeks. I started to run and my calf was hurting but after a few miles and actually taking it easier than normal the soreness diminished. I was able to accomplish the 11 mile run and was feeling very good afterward. This is somewhat of an in between week with work but I had some things on my schedule. I did decide to make my way to Wal-Mart so I could get my son a new ball even though he hadn’t come up with the money for the ball he lost yesterday. I did owe him so I made my way to the store and bought a replacement ball. He was so happy when I came home and gave him the ball. It was just like Christmas morning but instead of saying “I love Santa,” he said “I love you Daddy!” This is all I needed and a big smile came across my face.

I had a good day working and did accomplish my tasks. I made my way to the Monday evening Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s meeting since I missed my regular meeting yesterday. I was very surprised (pleasantly) how many people were in attendance. This meeting was very well attended and had many more people than the Sunday meeting. The speaker was very good and the sharing portion of the meeting very good as well. Next week I become the Secretary for the meeting and I look forward to my service. I have speakers lined up for January and I am working on the rest of the schedule. I haven’t been a Secretary since my first year in the program and I learned a great deal during that time. I know I will learn more and this is the essence of the GA Program which is giving back. I have been given so much by the GA Program and the incredible people associated so it is about time I do my best to give back. I will do my best and will be of service.

It is "Never Enough"

I would be remiss not to mention a story that broke earlier this week about the executive from Fry’s Electronics who allegedly embezzled $65 million to fund his compulsive gambling addiction. Yes, that number is with an “M” as in MILLIONS and this story has a long way to go before it finishes. You can read more here http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/12/24/MNTN14U59F.DTL and here http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/dec/25/da-says-frys-executive-was-major-debtor-las-vegas/. It does seem like there are countless stories all over the internet and I suspect there are more to come with one disclaimer; it appears the casinos are being named and when that happens usually stories like this get buried for one reason or another. This seems like too big of a story to get buried but who knows where this will all end.

I can only comment on this story as it relates to my own experiences and I am certainly not one to cast any aspersions. Yes, my situation was at a much less dollar amount; however; given my level of denial about my compulsive gambling addiction had I not gotten caught when I did; I have no idea how much more “damage” was left inside of me. I suspect this person’s level of denial was fairly high along with his ego just like mine. He obviously wasn’t shy about his new found wealth and loved to place wagers along with being treated like a big shot. I don’t really understand why the Internal Revenue Service is the lead investigator on this case but as the Agent told me; “we don’t care where you get the money we care whether you claim the money on your income tax return.” Apparently Mr. Siddiqui didn’t claim any of this money on his income tax return which led to the unraveling of his case. Of course hindsight is always 20/20 and had he filed the proper tax returns I wonder how much longer this would have gone on.

This really isn’t the highest dollar amount for an embezzler related to compulsive gambling. If memory serves me correctly there is a high ranking Chinese official serving a life sentence for taking billions to support his compulsive gambling addiction. This does represent the “never enough” syndrome and I know for myself it was and would never be enough to fuel my compulsive gambling addiction. Most “normal” people don’t understand this and I don’t think I can do this justice by trying to explain. All I can say is that I had to place those wagers and there was never a time I thought I could just walk away from it all.

The way it ended and I am eternally grateful for this because I have found recovery and continue to live in recovery each and every day. Yes, it had to come this way for me and I can understand what Mr. Siddiqui was going through. Hopefully he can find recovery and find that life without gambling is much better than life with gambling but I surmise he has lots of hurdles to overcome in the meantime. I will continue to follow this story as an “interested” observer and do wish him the very best.

Last night we made our way to our favorite family restaurant Souplantation with just our son. Our daughter had a birthday party to attend and this was supposed to be a sleepover but she wasn’t feeling very well so she just went for the evening’s festivities. My son was great at the buffet style restaurant and gets a big kick out of going up and down to get his food and he even offered to get my food as well. I took him up on his offer and he certainly didn’t mind. We had a good time at dinner and the evening ended very nicely.

This morning was a typical Sunday morning as I stayed in bed watching the CBS Sunday Morning Program and was joined by my son. The breakfast was typical and the day was typical as well for a Sunday. Not much was accomplished but this was just as well. I didn’t attend the Sunday GA meeting because I plan on attending tomorrow’s Speaker’s meeting since I take over the Secretary position next week and also may attend Tuesday’s meeting as well. I was busy with the children outside playing and I think I understatement my recovery (this is in the “physical” sense) ability as my legs were feeling the full effects of the 24 mile run. I really couldn’t play football with my son like we did the other day because I was having a hard time running. Yes, my legs were sore but the positive side effect was the fact that my calf didn’t feel any worse and it did feel a little better. I really should have expected this and I am not surprised because it is all part of the training regimen.

As we were outside my son somehow lost his ball that we purchased just yesterday. No, it wasn’t the “perfect” football but an oversized handball that he kicked over the fence that hit the neighbor’s roof and then vanished. We looked everywhere and the ball could not be found. It is one of life’s great mysteries how something like this could actually happen. No one saw the ball land and it wasn’t in our backyard, the neighbor’s backyard or any other backyard for that matter. I am sure it will turn up somewhere but for now it is lost. My son seemed to take it in stride and even offered to pay for a new ball. I am sure we will replace it when he has the money which knowing him won’t be very long. Yes, this was a typical Sunday and as always a wonderful day.

"Perfect" Football

Last night was spent with the family just kicking back and relaxing after two days of entertaining. My wife had wanted to watch “Mama Mia” and I really wasn’t that interested but my daughter did join my wife to watch the movie. I was on the couch doing other things while they watched the movie and my daughter became somewhat disinterested hearing all the singing. I had never seen the play but I heard good things about it being a great deal of fun. The movie seemed like fun but I don’t know if the casting made sense but who am I to disagree with casting quite possibly the best actress at least of my generation in the lead female role. I would say that I was surprised how many ABBA songs I recognized in the film and it does go to show me that anything is possible; who would have thought making a play now a movie based on the songs of ABBA would be this successful.

The easy evening ended and this morning I had been focusing on all week. This was supposed to be my longest run of the training session before the marathon. In my two most recent marathons (San Diego and Long Beach) I faded quite precipitously after mile twenty-two. I had to hold on to what little running form I had in those waning miles. Yes, I did better my finishing times from marathon to marathon but I still fell short of the three hour and twenty mile goal. In training for those marathons my longest run was 22 miles which makes sense why I faded in those miles.

I have wanted to run more than 22 miles and two weeks ago I had my mind set on running at least 24 miles but my right calf had acting up and I could only run 13 miles. I did continue on the bicycle for a 3 plus hour workout but I didn’t put in the necessary miles. This morning I noticed that my left calf was acting up so I really slowed down my pace for the first 12 miles. There were a few points where I wanted to stop but I just concentrated on getting through that particular mile. The last 12 miles were much faster than the first 12 miles and somewhere over that last 12 miles my calf didn’t hurt at all.

The best part of the run as I was completing the 24th mile was increasing my pace just like I do when I complete runs of a lesser distance. I always try to run the last mile much faster than the first mile no matter the distance. This gets increasing more difficult as the miles increase but today I felt very good near the end. I could have run more miles and I was well within the three hour and twenty minute time goal. Of course I have no idea how this translates to race day but I can say that I accomplished a run I have wanted to do ever since completing my last marathon. I think the key for me is to slow down because I have a tendency of going out too fast and trying to hang on to that time in the end. I remember running the Las Vegas marathon and I didn’t fade in the waning miles because my pace was consistent. This is what I will try to accomplish when I run in Phoenix in a few weeks.

Yes, I felt very good after the run and was asked by several people how far I had run because it is often a person runs for over 3 hours on a treadmill!! I do my best to mind my own business but invariably just like when I served my sentence what I thought as minding my own business was actually bringing attention to myself. I don’t believe I consciously crave this attention but my ego does get “stroked” when I talk to people about how far I have run. This is wrong and something I need to correct because it is not about me being better than anyone else; it is about me doing what I feel is best which is pushing me to the best of my ability. I do enjoy running and today I got into one of those “Zen” moments as the pain from my calf faded into oblivion and I was “floating” on air. I can only hope to duplicate this come race day but I do know I am extremely fortunate and blessed to just have the opportunity.

I made my way home after the long run and I had promised to take my son to the store so he could get a football. Santa had brought my son a football but this football was much too big for his 7 year old frame so we had to take Santa’s football back and get a smaller one. My son was so looking forward to this he had turned down a play date with a friend. My son does have a habit of holding both his mother and me to our promises and today I did deliver after going to three different stores to locate the “perfect” football. It was no easy task but we finally found the right sized football and my son was very happy. I didn’t mind going to these three stores because when we got home we had a very good game of catch. These are the moments I love and nothing is better!

Everyday is Christmas

I was standing in church on Christmas Eve with my family and I had to take a pause. I looked at the pew in front of us and it was a family filled with young children; each child had to be under the age of five. I looked behind us and I noticed a family filled with adolescent children with no child under the age of 14. Then I looked at my family with my daughter at the age of 10 and my son at the age of 7 and thought how “poetic”. In front us were where we have come from and behind us was where we were headed. I am sure it would have been a more “poetic” sentence if those verbs were reversed but hopefully my meaning is understood.

I watched the young family with the toddler squirming on the pew and had to laugh because not too long ago this was what exactly my daughter and son used to do. Then behind us with the “interesting” dressed teenagers with their family and thought I wonder what my daughter and son will be like when they reach that age. I have to realize there are no coincidences in life and this was no coincidence the three families were lined up in this order. I love my family more than anything in my life and I am beyond fortunate to have a second chance. I know I messed up the past and I don’t know what the future will provide but I do know that today is an incredible gift and thanks to recovery I am enjoying this present.

As my mother would say; “Christmas is over,” and yes, it is over for this year. All of the preparation and anticipation seems to pass in an instance as all the presents are opened and the great moments shared. However; really everyday is like Christmas morning for me and I hope I NEVER lose that family. Somewhere over the course of time I forgot those moments which lead to the “big moment” but now as long as recovery stays present with me every morning will indeed be like Christmas morning since I have experienced the antithesis of Christmas morning having lost my freedom for those 19 ½ months.

Our celebration with our dear friends lasted well into the evening the hours last night and yes, it was a wonderful time through and through. The laughs were plentiful and the company divine. Everyone was a bit tired this morning and with no real work on the schedule I made my way to the gym in order to continue my training for the marathon. This week and next week are the most intense of the training program as the miles ramp up.

Yes, my maladies continue as I seem to have “cured” my right calf but now the left calf is acting up. This is to be expected and as long as there aren’t any long term injuries especially lasting into the marathon I should be great. I am looking forward to next month and running that only marathon I started but didn’t finish of the 8 I have run. That was five years ago and needless to say a great deal has transpired in that period of time. I will take the marathon as I take everything in life one step at a time.

I returned home where the family was shaking off the cobwebs from the Christmas celebration and my wife had tried to find a Christmas tree during the many after Christmas sales. Our Christmas is a very nice tree and we have had it for 9 years. It is a tree that is a real pain to put together but once it is together it does indeed look great. It isn’t one of those three piece trees with all the lights already attached; it does take some assembly but this year my daughter did most of that assembly.

My wife didn’t find another tree and it appears we will have this tree for another year which really isn’t so bad but the branches are indeed fraying so its life span is diminishing rapidly. My wife does an incredible job decorating not only the tree but the rest of the house. Our tradition does not allow us to take the Christmas decorations down until after New Year’s Day so we have a week to go to continue enjoying the lovely decorations.

Later in the day I was outside with my son and we were playing football just the two of us. He has become quite the little football player and I have toyed with the idea of having him play “Pop Warner” football (tackle football) next year but after talking with a few friends who had their sons play it is a very big commitment. My son will be 8 in February and I think it is a bit too early for this type of commitment and besides that I want him to have fun so I will probably wait a few years until he gets the full effect of football. We had a great time in front of the house playing our brand of one on one touch football. My son let me win as I eked out the victory in the waning seconds of the game.

Christmas Day 2008

Christmas Eve did indeed end with the “traditional” reading of “Twas the Night before Christmas”. We started this when my daughter was born and have continued ever since. Of course I missed the last two readings but was more than delighted to read the wonderful story last night. Christmas Eve is a very special evening especially through the eyes of a 10 year old and a 7 year old and there were the “visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads!” The story was complete and everyone was tucked nicely in their beds with good night kisses given; soon St. Nick would be making his appearance.

We have a rule that no one can go downstairs until 8:00 am and also part of this rule is that everyone must go downstairs at the same time. The children know this and do abide by this rule. My daughter even allows her little brother to wake her up so she can get as much sleep as possible even on Christmas morning. The key here is my daughter is allowing her little brother to enter her room and wake her up!! This cannot be understated even on Christmas morning because my daughter is not exactly the most gracious person in the morning but there is an exception just on Christmas Day.

My son made his first arrival in our bedroom at 5:15 am which is much too early for everyone so I escorted him back to his bedroom. He must have waited patiently because an hour later he made reappearance in our room where he was allowed to stay until the “rule” time. He didn’t fall back to sleep but just counted down the hours and as 8:00 am approached so did his excitement level. He did go into his sister’s room and woke her up with incident then we made our way downstairs to see if Santa made his prescribe stop.

Yes, Santa did make his stop but unlike other years most of the family room floor was visible as the presents were relegated to near the tree. There was one year where I swear the entire family room was covered with presents and it was near impossible to get around all those presents!! This year things are different especially economically but the enthusiasm was remarkable. This enthusiasm was exhibited by my son all morning from the very start. He noticed his stocking had fallen to the ground from the fireplace and as he went to pick it up a pack of Pokémon cards emerged to his delight. The words “I love Santa” emerged as the Pokémon cards were opened.

I had the video camera and recorded all the moments for posterity and yes, the whole Christmas gift opening occurred so quickly but the enthusiasm never waned. My son opened a gift which contained pajamas and he said, “Oh cool I love pajamas!” I was amazed how grateful and enthusiastic he was all morning. My daughter was much more reserved but did perk up when she opened the “Guitar Hero” box and that big smile emerged. This was the gift she was looking for and of course as things go this was the last gift opened. Upon completing the opening of the gifts my daughter disappeared upstairs to setup the Guitar Hero video game and we didn’t see much of her for the rest of the day.

Oh my goodness this was an incredible morning and I couldn’t help but to stop and think how much difference one year makes. I have no idea what will transpire for next Christmas but I do know as long as I continue in recovery these special moments will contain one at a time. It is these special moments I have coveted as I was away from my family and now that we are all back together I can stop smiling and loving every moment. Blessings, blessings and more blessings were abound and as the saying goes; “It was all good!!”

The children were upstairs after breakfasts playing with their gifts while my wife and were getting ready for Christmas dinner. We were hosting our dear friends later today and preparations were in order. I resumed my longstanding tradition of making Christmas dinner which has always consisted of lasagna. I started this tradition as a “control” measure because of my finicky eating habits and I figured as long as I was making the meal at least I could eat the meal!! Sure this is very selfish but I have provided for all those who were and are in attendance at the various meals. I was so happy to be back in the kitchen making the lasagna for the second time this year. Our dear friends’ even added some homemade ricotta cheese for the lasagna which was a very welcome addition.

The lasagna was prepared and the house tidied while we waited for our dear friends. I had to make an unscheduled trip to the only grocery store opened on Christmas day and while I was there I ran into someone I used to work with and hadn’t seen in a very long time. I barely recognized the person but after a few seconds I realized who it was. The very cool thing about this encounter was our greeting. Our greeting was a hug and I had to stop and think how far everything has come. Here is a person I had worked with and still works at the same place I wronged yet all of what I did seem to fade away as we chatted. Life is amazing in recovery and amazing things continue to happen.

I made my way home and our dear friends did arrive for dinner. The lasagna seemed to be well received and the dinner was very nice. Afterwards we played a series of games which is always fun. As we were playing it occurred to me how wonderful life really is. I spoke with several people today wishing them a very Merry Christmas and was asked how everything was and my reply was “wonderful”. I realize that life does have its ups and downs and certainly over the past few years there were many downs but now and especially in recovery there aren’t any downs and the only way to proceed is up. Today was an incredible day and I owe it all to being in recovery because I know none of this exists without recovery. Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

Christmas Eve 2008

“Twas the day before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse”; starts that famous Christmas fable and yes, today is the day before Christmas 2008. I cannot help but to think back to the past two Christmases and thinking that all I needed to do was to just get through the day and I would be that much closer to my family. Now I can’t help but to think that I want this day the day before Christmas to last as long as possible. Of course each day no matter how special always contains 24 hours and the older I get the faster these days get. It is clearly up to me to make the best of the time being given not only on these special days but also every day.

Today started out just like most weekdays as I made my way to the gym for my morning workout. I got in a great workout completing 9 miles faster than I have ever. This was my high intensity day and the calf problems of two weeks ago have dissipated; however; it appears my other calf feels left out and at the end of the run I noticed some tenderness which is something that does happen. I will treat this just like the other calf with some rest, ice, compression and the various muscle creams I have in the medicine cabinet.

Unlike two weeks ago the discomfort only appeared at the very end of the run and I had no problem with the super high intense workout. I am excited at the prospect of running the Phoenix Rock n’ Roll marathon next week and I am getting a little pressure from my daughter who really wants to go to Boston!! This does require me to cover the 26.2 miles in less than 3 hours and 20 minutes and one of the last things I want to do is to disappoint my daughter.

There was very little work to tend to on this Christmas Eve day but I did accomplish something while I was at the grocery store with my son. While I was on the phone tending to this call my son was with me and we were looking for marshmallows which is not an easy task at a health food store. The next thing I know my son is following one of the store employees to where the marshmallows are located. Yes, he took it upon himself to ask the employee where the marshmallows were located. I was amazed because I doubt very much I would have taken this initiative when I was 7 years old!! One thing I have noticed about my son is he is not shy at all which I find to be a positive quality since he does seem to know when to be reserve and when not to be. Clearly today he was not going to be reserved as he ventured out and found the marshmallows with assistance.

Prior to the grocery store my son and I received haircuts. Where were the last two customers as the barber shop was about to close and we had two different people cut our hair. I could overhear my son explain to the person who cut his hair how he wanted his haircut and I could hear them carry on a very nice conversation. I continue to be amazed how much this “little guy” has grown up in the past few years. It is truly remarkable and certainly brings a smile to my face.

With our errands completed we made our way home in order to get ready for church. Yes, since it is Christmas Eve we were going to attend mass prior to dinner. Of course; our departure time was a few minutes later than projected which had us standing during the very crowded mass. I remember in the past standing during these masses and being very irritated at just about everyone. However; this was not the case today as I traded off resting my hands on my daughter’s and son’s shoulders. I did not mind being at mass because I was with my family and I even took part in the communion procession for the first time in a very long time. I won’t go into the particulars of this ritual because I really don’t know those particulars!!! I do know that the priest stated everyone received absolution (or something like that!) in order to participate in the communion ritual.

The mass ended and we were headed over to our dear friends’ house for Christmas Eve dinner. These are the same dear friends we shared Thanksgiving dinner with last month. These are the same dear friends who have been there ever step of the way over the past few years and I couldn’t think of a better place to spend Christmas Eve dinner. The dinner was very nice and the children seemed a bit obsessed with tracking Santa Claus on the computer. This was a very ingenious site created by none other than NORAD the Defense System. The children watched the progress of Santa in real time as he circumnavigated the globe. I know my son is a firm believer in Santa Claus but I suspect my 10 year old daughter has her doubts. We were told that her friend who is the same age knows that mom and dad are Santa but there haven’t been any confirmations from our daughter as of yet.

Yes, the dinner and the company were wonderful in every way possible. This was a far cry from last year wanting the day to disappear and certainly two years ago when I wanted the day to fast forward into infinity!! The blessings in my life are enormous and were evident this evening all around. My life is wonderful and yes, I am eternally grateful for the wonderful Plan.

Sushi Lunch

I received a very nice email for a friend who I have recently reconnected with after a nearly four year hiatus. This is a friend who has known me both “before” and now “after”. I have always thought very highly of this friend over the years and when I had heard their name mentioned in a conversation I had to reach out to this friend. This is the same friend I played golf with last month and we had a great time during that round of golf. The email was short but very much to the point and the words made me realize how blessed a person I am. I am certain I have always been blessed but never really took the time to realize how many blessings there are in my life. I wrote the other day on my Facebook page that I couldn’t stop smiling thinking that what a difference a year makes and this all came from my friend’s email to me.

In two days in will be Christmas Day 2008 and the presents will be ripped open, great food will be devoured and most importantly our family will be together. I missed these moments over the past two Christmases and my main focus on those two Christmases was just getting through that day. I don’t make a habit of reading my old postings but I may hearken back to Christmas Day 2006 and 2007 to really put things in perspective. Hopefully I don’t need to read those postings to remind me how far I have come in such a short period of time.

I am eternally grateful for all the goodness in my life and yes, I have so much goodness it is amazing. This goodness starts with my family and goes to all the incredible friends I have in this world. I can’t say enough about my family and my friends. I may have lost some friends along the way but the friends I have and have made in the past few years are the most amazing people in every way possible. This friend who sent me the email did put in perspective and really every day for me is just like Christmas Day because the presents I have I get to hold, hug and kiss on a daily basis. I cannot lose sight of these wonderful people and thankfully in recovery as long as I practice those principles I cannot take anything for granted again.

Last night my wife and I watched a new television show that had been sitting on the DVR for a few weeks. My wife has wanted me to watch one more show with her other than “Heroes” so a few weeks ago I taped “Leverage” a new show on the TNT network. This was a fascinating show and along the same lines as the “Ocean 11” movie series. I did prefer the original “Oceans 11” movie to its modern predecessor and the subsequent sequels were borderline absurd. However; keeping in the tradition of little guy gets big corporation “Leverage” was very entertaining and I think we will continue to see what happens each week.

This was the extent of the evening other than my wife trying to make me a cookie I would eat for Christmas. She did make some peanut butter cookies which I said I would try but unfortunately my cookie eating days may have ended when my sentence ended almost 10 months ago. I did try a cookie but that was the extent of it but I thanked my wife for making them!

The evening ended and we headed off for bed. The children are off from school so the incentive for getting out of bed early has diminished and over the past two days I have been uncharacteristically tired in the morning not really wanting to get out of bed. I did fight my way out of bed and made my way over to the gym both days for my daily workout and when I fight off the rust I really enjoy these workouts. Let’s face I really enjoy these workouts each and every day and I have no idea where I would be with my exercise regimen along with being in recovery. My life is awesome in every sense and yes, that smile is permanently etched on my face.

Since it is a holiday week and my schedule is reflecting this I made time for lunch appointment with a very dear friend. This friend has seen me through the past few years and has been with me every step of the way. I am eternally grateful to this friend and today’s lunch was exceptional. I have ventured into the world of eating sushi. Prior to my incarceration my sushi eating experience had been limited to vegetable rolls and the occasional seared Ahi Tuna. As I served my sentence I would listen to two very dear friends talk about how much they missed eating sushi and I filed this back in my mind. When I was released I slowly got into sushi and over the past few months I have sort of turned a corner.

This afternoon I went to a Sushi Bar with this dear friend who really enjoys sushi. We had a feast of sushi and yes, I am still trying to get over the whole “raw” looking fish thing but the sushi was delicious and not “fishy” tasting at all. We were having such a good time our lunch ran very long and we didn’t run out of things to say. I wanted to talk about one thing but didn’t have a chance since the conversation flowed so easily from one subject to the next. This was a wonderful way to spend part of an afternoon with a very dear friend and some new culinary delights.

Abandonment Issues?

Last week when my wife and I visited my son in his classroom for the Christmas “pageant” and the gingerbread house making we worked around the room. My son’s teacher always does a wonderful job of decorating the rooms depending on the season and of course with the season being Christmas the room was decorated accordingly. Adorned on the walls were several projects by the children in the class and one project had the children write down what they wanted for Christmas. There was a little twist on this project because the children were given three parameters. The first parameter had to do with what they wanted for Christmas, the second what they wanted for their families and the third what they wanted for the earth. The first parameters were filled with the usual material items such as electronic games and other assorted regular Christmas items. The second was more personal to the child and the third ranged from stopping global warming to peace on earth.

My wife and I sought out our son’s composition and we were able to find it. His first thought was on a skateboard as his “go to” Christmas present. (On a side note I don’t believe Santa will be bringing the skateboard since Santa wasn’t informed in time!) I will jump to the third thought which was to rid the world of global warming. This made sense and was a consensus with the rest of the class. His second thought was more interesting as he wished that his family wouldn’t be taken away from him. I had to read this a few times to really understand what he was saying and after reading it I called my son over to talk with him.

Knowing what I put my family through over the past two years and in those years were two Christmases that I missed I thought this statement made complete sense. However; after to speaking with my son this statement had nothing at all to do with me being “taken away” for those two Christmases. As it turns out a classmate of my son’s has both parents in jail and this is very troubling to my son. My son wanted to know who would watch him if his parents (my wife and I) were taken to jail. I had to tell that I don’t believe that I or his mother would be taken to jail and in the event that something did happen he would be well cared for by his wonderful grandparents, aunts and uncles. This seemed to satisfy him and he went about his business.

I thought long and hard about this little statement made by my son and yes, I was convinced it was me that instilled these potential abandonment issues but this just was not the case. It is so fascinating how life moves and here it is almost a year after I have returned and my son sits next to a young man who has temporarily lost his parents to incarceration and this does seem to bother my son. There are times where I would love to throw a bubble around both my children and protect them from this big bad world but that are not reality and that would cause some very maladjusted people.

Life certainly moves in mysterious ways and I was very grateful to be with my son to try and explain this possibly disturbing happenstance of losing both parents for awhile. I cannot undo the past I can only deal with today the very best way I know which is with honesty, open-mindedness and willingness. Those three items are the cornerstone of my recovery and essentially my life blood. Hopefully my son doesn’t grow up with abandonment issues because I think that can lead to a great deal of negative in a person’s life. I can only do my best and have my actions speak louder than words and hopefully these actions will continue to be guided with the incredible principles of recovery. I know as long as I adhere to these principles there will not be abandonment on any level.

Today was the start of the very short holiday week and my schedule has been adjusted accordingly. I had only a few meetings today and with the children off from school and my wife doing her running around it was best that I limited my “out” time. A funny thing happened to my daughter; she woke up this morning very sore from her softball outing of yesterday. She was certainly “feeling it” in her back and arms from the three hour “practice”. I couldn’t help but to laugh (yes, I know I am a “bad Dad”) because it was very funny watching her move around gingerly. She wasn’t injured she was just really sore and in my sick twisted mind I believe being sore is a positive sign. By the way it was a rainy day and my daughter was content with staying in her “jammies” all day long on this the first day of their winter vacation.

Father/Daughter Softball Day

We had a family movie night yesterday evening. The “family” movie was “Get Smart” which may not be exactly the best “family” movie but our children were very interested in the movie and me being a big fan of “Max” from the television show I thought it wouldn’t be too inappropriate for the children. It wasn’t too inappropriate since it was rated PG-13 and I think the movie studios are actually allowed one “F-bomb” but the directors refrained from this language in the movie. As far as the movie went I was disappointed because it wasn’t very much like the original television show I remembered as a kid. It was entertaining to a point and the children did laugh at certain parts but overall I am very happy I didn’t go to a movie theater and pay full price. That is the beauty of Netflix and viewing the movies on DVD for a small fraction of the regular movie going price.

The evening was great and the day was great as well. These weekends are fantastic and now with the children off for the next three weeks I wonder what we are going to do. Yes, the children are off from school on their Winter Break until January 13th. Thankfully we will have a very welcomed visitor (my mom) in after the New Year to break some of that time up and I believe Grandma has some “day trips” planned that start with the letter “D” which will be wonderful. Anyhow yesterday was indeed a great day and today was an equally great day.

Today started out with our little boy running into our bed a little past his usual time and he is no longer a “little guy” and will soon be 8 years old. I can’t believe both of our children will be celebrating their birthdays in less than two months. Yes, my son will be 8 and my daughter will be 11; wow time does fly by so quickly and time this morning passed by exceptionally fast as well. After watching the CBS Sunday Morning Show my son and I took a bicycle ride to a nearby grocery store.

I am going to give this grocery store a plug; Fresh & Easy and it is billed as the neighborhood grocery store. The store opened a few months ago in a very nearby shopping center and due to the horrible economic climate they are the only ones in this shopping center. When I first visited Fresh & Easy I thought it was nothing but an oversized convenience store but it is certainly very convenient and their prices aren’t that bad. Getting in and out is very easy and it does save on making a trek to the other grocery stores. Additionally they also carry vegetarian friendly food which is always a benefit in my eyes.

The quick bicycle ride concluded as we carried what we needed home from the store. Once I arrived home the breakfast preparation commenced. Yes, it was another Sunday breakfast of the protein pancakes for everyone. Instead of just lounging around I decided to convince my daughter to go to the softball field where her teammates were having an impromptu practice. I knew I had to convince her because my daughter was in full “vacation” mode not really wanting to do much of anything. I did convince her and we were off to the softball field.

At least for today winter seemed to take a break with the temperature approaching 70 degrees; it was a good day to be at the softball field. We met up with another teammate along with a girl from another team. The next three hours the six of us (parents of the girls) had a blast on the softball field. The girls took batting practice and my daughter had the opportunity to practice her pitching. My daughter is a very good softball player and held her own against two very good players. She was a little rusty with her throwing but it made for good fun. The day was wonderful and it was a great father—daughter day on the softball field.

We returned home where I would have enough time to shower and relax a bit before the Sunday evening GA meeting. I made my way to the meeting and I returned back to my normal meeting schedule. The meeting went very well and yes, the “usual suspects” were in attendance which makes the meeting extra special. There was a new member in attendance and I do believe this disease of mine is insidious and very difficult to kick especially when there isn’t any outside support. Thankfully in my case I continue to have tremendous support inside and outside of the program and I don’t know what it would be like without this support and I am eternally grateful. I do hope this new member does come back for the support needed to battle this addiction because I know this continues to save my life each and everyday.

"Drawing Challenged!"

Yesterday evening I had the pleasure of making dinner for my wife and our dear friends. This was my wife’s birthday dinner since it had to be postponed from the previous night so we could attend my daughter’s fabulous event at her school. I had asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday dinner and she replied, “Shrimp scampi.” In previous years I would have opted for the easy way out and ordered it from a restaurant and most likely we would have had dinner with just the family. However; thankfully in recovery I continue to learn it is much better to “experience” life as opposed to just being a mere observer. I was more than happy to cook and as it turns out this is a very easy meal to prepare. I have made this meal in the past but for the life of me I couldn’t remember the last time I prepared this entrée. It is strange how I can vividly remember some things but other things I have a vague recollection.

The meal preparation was indeed easy but I didn’t do a very good job at keeping it hot when it was served. Of course our dear friends were very nice and didn’t complain. My wife does “tell it like it is” and I tried to make her serving a bit hotter by adding additional butter sauce. I think the meal was well received and I am the type of chef that doesn’t it what they cook because of my crazy eating habits. I made my own meal of halibut and I must say this is the second time I have prepared halibut (the first being at Thanksgiving) and both times the fish was excellent. Last night was no exception and hopefully everyone had a good meal.

I did have a very good time last night and after we sang happy birthday we played my “favorite” (not!!) game of Pictionary. (Incidentally I did make the cake but the children did the icing along with the decorations.) I am not exactly enamored with Pictionary because I am “drawing challenged.” I have been “drawing challenged” since birth and have a difficult time getting my thoughts to come across on paper. Last night we had three separate teams participate in the game; “Mommy’s”, “Daddy’” and the “daughters”. This was the first time the “daughters” participated and I must say both of them at the “old” age of 10 years old draw much better than me but I think my son who is 7 years old draws much better than me as well!!!

I don’t know what happened last night but the “Dads” did prevail and I think I am figuring out my strengths when it comes to this game. I can’t draw worth a damn but in some instance it really isn’t about the drawing but “how” the picture is drawn. I am sure that last sentence makes no sense but there was a moment during the game that my stellar partner actually got the right answer even though I didn’t draw as much as a straight line!!! This seemed to be the turning point and yes, the “Dads” won for I think the second time ever!! I would still prefer to play another game but there aren’t any other games that provide so much levity and the laughs were had all night long.

The great evening had concluded and we all retired at the same time. This morning I was up before everyone and out the door headed to the gym. I had a semi-long run of 16 miles to get through before my son’s flag football game. I got through the 16 mile run and I have less than 1 month to go before the marathon. I am not sure where I stand in my quest to run a marathon in 3 hours and 20 minutes or less. I have wanted to run more than 20 miles but last week my calf prevented me and this week I was only scheduled for the 16 mile run. I have 2 more opportunities to run more than 20 miles in the next 2 weeks so I think I will have a better gauge then. I did feel good and my calf didn’t give me any issues. The blister on the bottom of my foot was another story but I managed to get through and was feeling good at the end of the run.

The running session had concluded and I made my way home since we had our son’s flag football game to attend. I love watching both of my children in their respective endeavors. My son is fairly advanced for his age when it comes to sports and he is advanced when it comes to flag football. The coach discovered that it was better to have my son catch the ball rather than to throw the ball. At my son’s age (7) there aren’t many other children who can actually catch the ball and throw in the fact that my son really loves to catch the ball it is a natural fit. Unfortunately for my son and his team they all had a very bad game. They were trounced 33-0 as the other team kept scoring touchdown after touchdown. My son continues to have a great attitude and he is so focused when he is playing. I was watching him during practice and he was in the “zone” concentrating on the tasks at hand.

There were several other children on his team that were content with just fooling around but I could just see that my son didn’t want any part of this fooling around. He had come to play football and he was certainly doing his best. I have no idea what the future holds for my son when it comes to playing sports but he is building a very good base to draw upon. He didn’t seem to mind that his team lost because he did have fun. He is still waiting for his first touchdown and first interception. I do have a feeling this will come and they will come very soon because he is doing his best. It was a wonderful day on the football field in spite of the score.

My Daughter the Public Speaker

We didn’t have a big birthday dinner celebration last night for my wife because we had a school activity we needed to attend. This was an activity for my daughter who wasn’t involved in a Christmas Pageant since she is in the fifth grade and beyond the pageantry of the Christmas season at least according to her teachers. Instead of a Christmas/Holiday pageant the students were tasked with a business presentation.

A select group of 40 fifth graders were given this project by one of my daughter’s teachers who I must say is a great teacher. This is the first time in my daughter’s scholastic career that she has a male for a teacher and she could not have gotten a better teacher. This particular teacher has over 30 years in the field but instead of getting himself ready for retirement he is teaching with passion. It is obvious he really cares about the students and once again we have been blessed in how well everything continues to work out.

This was a business proposal and my daughter has been working on it with her “business partner” over the past few weeks. Normally we are very involved with our daughter’s school work but this project has been very “hush—hush” as my daughter did most of the work over at her “business partner’s” house. We only knew the concept and nothing else so we were very anxious to see the presentation.

My daughter and her partner were the last to present and when we were first told about this we were sort of disappointed but as soon as the event started I was very interested. The children had to pick a product, research, do a statistical analysis and present their findings to an auditorium of family and friends. This could be unnerving for a college graduate let alone 10 and 11 year olds. The children did a fantastic job and it was evident that a great deal of work was put into all of the presentations. The products ranged from energy drinks to sodas to jet propelled backpacks!!

It was time for my daughter and her partner to present and they both did a remarkable job. I was a little concerned because my daughter has a proclivity to be a “low talker” and when she speaks especially in a large group it is often difficult to hear her. However; this was not the case last night; she projected her voice exceptionally well and she certainly channeled her nervous energy. She was nervous and I offered a few words of encouragement but I thought I shouldn’t say much and have faith she would do very well and she did great. I had the video recorder and recorded the entire presentation. The girls did put a great deal of effort into everything. They had a board filled with statistics and other facts about their product which was custom designed Christmas shirt. This wasn’t their only product as tee shirts could be customized for just about any other holiday.

I was very impressed with the entire event and so impressed with my daughter. Wow she is really growing up so quickly and it seems just like yesterday she was in that same auditorium doing a Christmas spectacular now she was professionally dressed pitching a very well thought out product. My goodness life goes by so quickly but thankfully I am here and able to experience these extraordinary moments.

It was so funny after the program was over I made my way over to my daughter and told her how well she did and she said, “Daddy, did you see my knees knocking together?” She was so nervous her knees were knocking together but instead of succumbing to this fear she rose up and overcame it providing a great presentation. Of course I am biased but I think she and her partner had one of the best presentations of everyone. There was one little boy who had such a great personality that carried his presentation so well and in fact most of the children were very impressive in their own right. I think this was such a great idea and I am so glad my daughter’s teacher embarked on this project because these children learned so much about themselves and I certainly learned so much about my daughter. I have always known she is a great child and very intelligent but she put everything together last night and her beautiful “being” was on display, what a great way to end my wife’s birthday.

Today I was back at the gym with a pair of new running shoes. One of the drawbacks of running so many miles is the fact that I go through running shoes so quickly. I do believe that my calf problem was partially due to the fact that my running shoes were breaking down. I painstakingly researched a new pair of running shoes over the past few weeks and finally settled on a pair. This could be a very costly item but thankfully I found a very good running shoe that is moderately priced.

I am working my way through all the main running shoe manufacturers and in spite of me having my favorites I wanted a running shoe from a manufacturing I never have worn. The shoe arrived very quickly and today was the first day I wore them. The shoes felt good but I broke them in very quickly as my “blood” blister popped during my 10 mile run. I had no idea it popped until I was done and looked at the red spot on my new running shoe and thought that is odd but upon further inspection I realized what had happened. Oh well this is all part of “dirty” side of running long distance. The running shoes were very good and should be a good addition for the marathon next month.

Happy Birthday My Dear!!!!!

Today is a very special day in the life a very special person to me; today is my wife’s birthday. Yes, I missed the last two and one of those was birthdays was a “unique” number and I won’t give away my wife’s age not that she really cares but I prefer to leave that up to her. Yes, I did miss that “unique” number birthday and the year after but today I am here and by the grace of God I am able to share the day with my wife. I can go on and on about how wonderful my wife is and how incredible she has been over the past three plus years. I put her through things no person should ever endure and I am so sorry she had to endure those events. However; ever since that very first day when I broke the extremely unfortunate news she has been an incredible wealth of support. I remember her saying after I broke the news to her and she went through a very emotional outburst that “we will get through this together.”

Oh my goodness she was right and continues to be incredible. My wife had no idea what she was facing when she made that statement yet it has come true. I completely turned her world upside down and the worlds of our children’s were turned upside down as well. My wife was forced to move across the country and essentially became a single parent for two years as I paid for my actions. Thankfully my wife was surrounded by love and support through incredible family members. Yes, my wife was faced with a decision to either remain on the East Coast or return to California where we could build our lives back together. I am eternally grateful she chose to come back to California where we are building an incredible life together.

I have known my wife all my adult life and our relationship started as high school sweethearts. We do have a great deal of history and have been married for over 16 years now. I have seen my wife grow into a beautiful woman and more importantly a beautiful person. In Gamblers Anonymous we talk about not taking inventory of others and my wife has always practiced this principle. She is the least judgmental person I have ever met and she is excels at “going with the flow”. I know there were times over the past two years where this “flow” seemed insurmountable but somehow she made it through with flying colors. My love continues to grow each and every day for this incredible woman; I love her so very much. Happy Birthday!!!

Today I purposely blocked out my schedule so we could find some “adult” time for just the two of us. I took the children to school giving my wife the morning to do whatever she wanted. My wife has an incredible friend who has been there for my wife over these past few years and the two of them went out for some “coffee” this morning. I had work to do and completed most of this work as I headed into the office for a quick meeting. It was a quick meeting because I had lunch plans with my dear wife this afternoon. This was part of our “adult” time as the children were at school.

I must say my wife is not only a wonderful person I swear she gets more beautiful each day. She is so pretty and the angst of the last few years is slowly fading from her being. God certainly did me a huge favor putting my wife in my life and I know 26 years ago when we first met my wife had no idea what was in store for her. First I whisked her out of New Jersey the year after we were married as we moved to Las Vegas and then the events of the past two years. However; in between those times we have been blessed with two incredible children and my wife did an amazing job providing normalcy for them in a very abnormal set of circumstances. Saying that I am blessed to have the presence of my wife in my life would be a huge understatement. I am certainly blessed and without my wife I am nothing and with her I am complete; my wife does complete me and I am so happy I was able to finally be with her on her birthday. Happy birthday my dear I LOVE YOU!!!!

Graham Cracker House?

The appointment I had yesterday yielded some very good results. I was not only allowed to tour one of the premiere treatment facility in the countries I believe I have forged a relationship with this facility for the long run. This business of treatment is really about personal connections and referrals. There are so many people who enter this field and think either they are going to save the world or make tons of money. Sadly neither comes true because that thinking is short sided on both ends. I know I cannot save the world and saving me is tough enough!! There was a point in my life where I thought I would make “tons” of money but I was very dishonest in going about it and now thankfully honesty prevails in my life. I have only been associated with this industry for the past 10 months and really in the last 3 months I have seen how a successful operation works.

There is no doubt I am eternally grateful for this opportunity and I am doing my damndest to make this work for the very best. Yesterday I sat with people who have a number of years of experience in this industry and just listened to what they had to say. This particular facility is not in competition with our facility since the price points aren’t even close. I think they are of more value to us than we are to them; however; it really is a big community of people helping people. I received some of this help yesterday and had a full “docket” today putting all these pieces together.

The morning started just like the morning started on Monday where it was pouring down rain once again. There was another rainstorm on the horizon and I drove the children to school this morning because of the weather. I learned my lesson from Monday and took another route but the 2 block trip still took nearly 10 minutes. I did also make my way to the gym for my daily workout and my calf has responded extremely well and doesn’t have any lingering efforts whatsoever. Since it is Wednesday I ramped up the intensity and didn’t feel any pain in my leg but I did notice that the bottom of my right foot had a very dull pain.

Of course I continued and because the pain was very minimal. I would later find out it was just a blister on the underside of my foot and my wife called it a “blood blister” which is just part of logging miles. This also goes with my big toenail hanging on by a thread and my toes bleeding every now and again during runs. I once read an article on an “ultra marathoner” (people who run in races greater than 50 miles) who said that toenails aren’t part of long distance running. I don’t log ultra marathon distances but I do see the point.

The run was over and I had things to do this morning. I had a very important appointment this afternoon as my son’s class was hosting their “holiday” spectacular in their classroom. I certainly had this on my calendar and was not going to miss this for the world. These are those moments I have missed over the past two holiday seasons and when I “went away” my son started attending school so this would be my first school holiday spectacular for my son that I would attend. I was looking forward to this all day and the time arrived where my wife and I made our way over to the school.

This was so cute and yes, it was held in the classroom. The children performed Christmas songs (which is probably inappropriate in the public school curriculum and I think we as a society have sort of screwed ourselves by trying to be all things to all people and in sense we keep alienating most of those people) and it was so cute. I had the video recorder and recorded the entire 15 minute program. This was followed by a gingerbread house making as a family. My son’s teacher had all of the ingredients for the gingerbread house and I notice there wasn’t any gingerbread. I guess graham crackers work better than gingerbread but gingerbread house sounds much better than graham cracker house!!

It was the three of us putting together the house with the graham crackers, vanilla icing (the glue!), along with assorted candies and marshmallows. It was a very interesting dynamic looking around the room at the 19 other children. Most everyone had at least one parent in attendance and I felt bad for the few children who didn’t have a parent in attendance. The afternoon went by so fast putting together the gingerbread house and it was a masterpiece!!! I think my son had more fun eating the ingredients for the gingerbread house than actually putting it together but the fact that I was able to attend this function was indeed great. I missed the first two years of his school activities and now thanks to recovery I am actually enjoying every moment of these precious moments.

Dishonesty and Honesty

Being busy or really just letting life take its course does have so many advantages. I can’t help but to remember those days where I would wake up before the crack of dawn; get in my workout, go to work which only lasted a few hours and had seemingly the rest of the day to myself as I served my sentence. Somehow I made all of that work out for the very best and those 19 ½ months passed by. There were days that didn’t pass by quick enough but in retrospect this has given me a huge understanding how fast time can go by. Over those 19 ½ months I wrote thousands of pages and seemingly it was about my day to day existence which really wasn’t very interesting.

Here I sit and it has been a few days since I last wrote and yes, most of what (probably all of what I write!) still isn’t very interesting! However; I love the fact that the day can go by and I don’t have to sit and write just to pass the time. I did write to pass the time and along with reading and exercise those activities got me through those 19 ½ months. Thank goodness the “free” world is a great deal more interesting and now there are so many more things to do with my day. Today was a wonderful example as I had an appointment schedule at another “high end” rehabilitation facility to the south of where I am currently located. This took up most of my day which was a wonderful way to spend the day.

I had company on my appointment as I went with a colleague who I have come to admire very much. This colleague shares my views on most things and it is great listening to the stories on the “clinical” side of things. I have been told I should have been and I should pursue being a counselor/therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist many times over my lifetime not only as I move through life in recovery but prior. Obviously prior to I wouldn’t have been any good because I couldn’t have even diagnosed myself!!! I’m not sure how effective I would be at this stage especially listening to these stories of clients who are battling their own demons. I do listen well (I know my wife would argue!!) and have always been a good listener but I am not very good at telling people what to do.

I am a big believer in letting people be adults and to act accordingly. There are times where I take this tack with my children because I believe that at some point they will have to make their own decisions when I am not there to “tell” them what to do. I was this way as I directed my staff so I again I am not sure how effective this form of therapy would be. It was very interesting hearing these stories and hearing how different people progress through recovery. I know this is what was “designed” and sure I would have liked to learn over 20 years ago but that wasn’t to be. Life is an amazing journey and I am grateful for each day on this journey.

This evening I made my way to the Tuesday Evening Gamblers Anonymous meeting since I did not attend Sunday’s meeting or yesterday’s meeting. I had planned on going to this meeting since one of the “stalwart” members was celebrating a 2 year anniversary in the program. As it turns out another “stalwart” member was celebrating their 2 year anniversary as well so it was a 2-fer!! The meeting was very good and I have to comment on how important these meetings are to my recovery. This is my “lifeblood” and as long as I stay connected to the program I know I am on the right path.

Just listening to other sharing is part of this connection and tonight I probably heard the most outlandish therapy in my almost four years in the program but that is all part of my recovery. The member was sharing and as soon as I heard the story I doubted the validity but this didn’t matter; the fact that I was just sitting in the room continuing to practice the principles of the program means everything to me. There are people who will say anything to get attention but the key principle in the program is HONESTY because without honesty there is no recovery. I was dishonest with myself for over 20 years and it led to dishonest ways of operating. Thankfully the dishonesty has turned into honesty all due to the Gamblers Anonymous Program.

"Man it Pours"

I didn’t honor my commitment last night because I stayed home instead of attending the Sunday Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I was just hanging out at home with the family and I was planning on attending Tuesday’s meeting since there was a planned birthday celebration for an outstanding member in the program. I did battle with myself but I thought it would be better if I stayed at home with the family since we were watching a movie. This did go very well and as I mentioned it was only just the three of us as my daughter was over friend’s house working on that very extensive project which was like a full day’s work for her.

The evening was spent with my son watching the New York Giants play the Dallas Cowboys. The Giants didn’t look so good for the second week in a row and it appears their dysfunctional player is wreaking havoc on the team. Oddly enough we have received every Giant game this year even though we are out on the West Coast. There is something to be said of being in area with no “home” football team which means we do receive the “best” game that just so happened to be the Giants every week.

My son is very much “into” the Giants and we have watched most of the games and up until last week they were doing very well but now not so good. Oh well; it is great to be a “fan” once again and to enjoy it with my son means the world to me. I have no idea what the rest of the season has in store for the Giants but my son and I will watch as interested fans and win or lose it will be a great experience.

This morning was the start of the work week and something was going on that has happened in quite some time; it was pouring down rain. The children couldn’t ride their bicycles to school for the first time this school year and I had to drive them the two blocks to keep them from being soaked. Apparently most everyone else was driving to school because the 1 ½ minute drive took over 15 minutes and the children had to get out prior to the main stop in order to be on time for school. There is an old song and I think it is a classic titled “It Never Rains in Southern California” but in that song there is the line; “Man it pours!” and that is exactly what it was doing today.

I took advantage of my at home office status and did most of my work while staring at the pouring rain outside. I went about my daily affairs and everything went very well as usual. I did have an appointment this afternoon which lasted much longer than expected but this was a positive. I am very excited about the things that are happening at work and most of these things have nothing to do with what I am “supposed” to be doing. It is truly amazing how well things continue to work out and how this “Plan” is taking shape. I am blessed in every facet of my life and I am enjoying each and every day.

As a sidelight I must say that I get the fact that a shoe was thrown at our President but does it have to be shown 50 times in 3 minutes? Yes, these things don’t happen every day which is probably a good thing but my goodness I thought Tim McCarver was going to be the guest commentator on the throwing motion of the reporter! I was at the gym on the treadmill and I swear it was shown from every angle and in super slow motion as well.

Our President has gotten a great deal of criticism over the last 8 years but he does have incredible reflexes and it showed. Things certainly could have been worse but the way in which it was handled was very good in my opinion. I can’t imagine how much furor would have been caused if this happened with our president elect and God forbid that ever happens but there is a double standard at work which is I guess how the world operates; unfortunately.

Lots of Movies

The rest of the day yesterday was just relaxation for the family. My son came home and wanted to play some more football. This little guy never seems to stop. He played earlier in the morning and played with his regular team this afternoon yet he wanted to have a game of football with me. I had to convince him to just relax which meant watching a movie with the whole family. It was movie late afternoon as we watched the “Bee Movie” which is animated film written, produced and starring Jerry Seinfeld. I have to admit that I thought the “Seinfeld” show was the best show ever and have stopped watching any situation comedy since it left the airwaves. I was happy to watch the “Bee Movie” and in spite of its very strange story line “bee sues the human race” it really wasn’t that bad and the children seemed to like it as well.

It was great sharing the couch with the family and having everyone tell me that they didn’t want popcorn but when I made the popcorn everyone was happily digging in!! I could not think of a better way to spend a Saturday and having my family with me means everything. The day continued with another movie but this was not meant for children’s eyes. My wife and I watched Hancock which starred Will Smith along with Charlize Theron. This was another astonishing story line; “superhero disliked by the general public because of odd behavior of the superhero,” yet it was a very entertaining movie. That was the extent of our Saturday evening.

This morning was the typical Sunday morning with our son arriving in our room in time to watch the CBS Sunday Morning Program. The day was the usual Sunday with one twist; yesterday I had to bribe my son to rub my legs with purchasing him Pokémon and Yugo cards. There is a long standing tradition in my family of bribery to get things done and I continued this tradition. My son is a very good negotiator and did get his way. Additionally my daughter got her way with saying my wife and I “owed her” for her gold honor roll award. I am a sucker for these things and yes, I took both of them to the store this morning to pick out their rewards. This wasn’t easy because we had to go to two different stores for my daughter and as she picked out the “perfect” Webkinz.

It is interesting what a little incentive does for children. The deal was that my son needed to complete his religion studies prior to going to the store and as we woke up he was asking when he could do his religion which is the direct opposite of any other Sunday where it is like “pulling teeth” to get him to do his religion work. This morning he was bringing up his book and completed the lesson without any issues whatsoever. Also my daughter was so happy with her Webkinz that she thanked me at least 50 times after the purchase!!! I guess there is something to the reward system!!!

The day went on with more movie viewing but this time it was only the three of us. My daughter had gone over to a friend’s house to work on a school project. She was out for most of the day and she used all of the 8 hours she was gone to work on this project. She had been given one of the advanced projects that needed to be performed with a partner. This is truly amazing because she is only in the fifth grade and this project was a bit complex with bar graphs, story boards, demographics and prototypes. I don’t think I ever did a project like this until I got to college so it is apparent children grow up so quickly in this day and age.

With our daughter out our son picked a movie and he selected “Click” which I had never seen. It was one of those movies that premiered during my “sabbatical”. The language was a bit much for a seven year old but the message was wonderful as it displayed the “one day at a time” concept very well. The premise of the story was based on “fast forwarding” the lead character life and the realization came when this lead character “woke up” and their life was over before their very eyes. I actually had tears in my eyes as the plot crescendo and conveyed what was being displayed to my life. I wanted to fast forward my life at so many different points especially during my incarceration; however; thanks to recovery I know that life is best living one day at a time.

Puns Everywhere!!!

While we were driving I received a very pleasant unexpected telephone call. I continue to be amazed as to how well everything is working out. I can vividly remember a few months after my release wondering when things would turn and yes, things have turned in a very positive direction. This telephone call was the antithesis of a telephone call I had over 6 months ago and all I can say is the law of attraction really works wonders. I am a big believer in the Power of Intention and it seemed like my intentions took longer than I wanted but as usual these intentions worked out as intended (yes, pun intended!). I was very happy with the outcome of the telephone call and it appears that there shouldn’t be any issues with my running in the Arizona Rock n’ Roll marathon next month; now I just need my calf to heal properly and I will be good to go.

There was another piece of good news I received last night. The “wheels” of justice do grind very slowly but patience does pay off. My wife and I were waiting on this piece of news for awhile and yes, the outcome was very good. The details aren’t very important and I have to say that I thought everything would turn out this way and again things took a little longer than anticipated. The bottom line was all that matter and this bottom line were very well received.

This morning my intentions were to endure a very long run of 24 miles. Of course this was dependent on how well my calf was feeling. The pain had diminished and I was feeling good. I could still feel something but my mind was in a good place which helps to overcome the mind of matter principle. My mind was working very well for the first 13 miles; however; at 13 miles I have no choice but to stop running since the treadmill has to be reset. (Yes, I ran on a treadmill and continue to run on a treadmill as my preferred method of training; additionally the weather was very suspect outside.) I reset the treadmill which isn’t a big deal because I have to always reset the treadmill and continue on my way.

I have run 20 miles already on the treadmill and today was supposed to be 24 miles. I say “supposed” to be since I had such difficulty getting restarted as my calf starting to act up. My mind wasn’t in a very good place and the matter overtook my mind. It mattered and I minded so I had to stop running. However; I wasn’t going to be denied a long workout so I hopped on the exercise cycle and preceded to cycle for another hour and twenty minutes. This brought my total aerobic time to 3 hours which is how long it should have taken me to run the 24 miles. Incidentally I was feeling a little run down at the 2 ½ hour mark just like in my previous marathons. I need to get my endurance level passed this wall and with only 5 weeks to go before the marathon I am running (yes, pun intended again!) out of time. I was happy to get in the three hour workout time and I was a huge sweaty mess. I think my workout clothes weighed 10 pounds from the sweat.

I returned home and immediately iced my calf which seemed to help. My wife had already taken our son to his flag football game because it was picture day before the game. I thought it would be better if I joined them closer to game time and this gave me a little time to spend with our daughter prior to departing. My daughter and I just hung out talking and I noticed that the Ironman Triathlon was airing on television. I have written about this insane endeavor before so to refresh the Ironman is a 2.4 mile swim followed by a 112 mile bicycle ride and concluded with a 26.2 mile run; yes, those are all consecutive and performed on the same day. The winner of the race on the men’s side usually comes in at a little under 8 hours while the winner on the women’s side comes in at 9 hours. Now that is a full day of work.

My daughter even seemed interested in watching this and was amazed 1,700 people would put their bodies through this very rigorous test. I watched in awe and did think that it would be great to actual finish one of these insane endeavors. My plan is to start competing in triathlons next year and maybe in a few years I would be fortunate to qualify for this race. There are people of all ages who compete and the oldest competitor was a 72 year old woman who actually completed the race. Yes, the winners take much less time than the “regular” people who finish well into the hours of the evening but the key is to finish. This is one heck of fete and I was very inspired watching these people cross the finish line knowing they had accomplished something most people cannot. Of course I will continue taking life one day at a time and know this leads my in the proper positive direction.

We made our way to the flag football game and unlike last week where the temperature was in the 80’s today the temperature barely hit 50 degrees with blustery winds. This did not deter my son or the children on the fields. My son played a much better game than last week and so did his team. The coach made some adjustments and moved my son to wide receiver instead of quarterback where he had four great catches. One of those catches appeared to result in a very long touchdown but upon further review my son must have stepped out of bounds at around the 20 yard line.

His team did win the game 18-12 in a very good game. The kids on the team bounced back from their horrendous lost last week and everyone had a blast. My son was the only player to play every down on both offense and defense which is great by him. The more he is involved the better and I know he had no intentions of coming off that field. It was a great Saturday afternoon.