On the Links Again!!!

With my job the work week sort of ends on Thursdays since there is not much going on in the office on Fridays. I say “sort of” because I am still in the office on Friday and also Saturday since I don’t have much else to do. Most of my work is complete by Thursday and I do like this schedule which frees up Fridays to play golf which is what I did today. Last night was another Thursday night at the Souplantation with my sponsoree. I have been very fortunate with a good sponsoree and yesterday marked the second week in a row we had dinner at the Souplantation. We didn’t work the steps like we did last week but we still had some very good conversations.

We do share similar consequences of our compulsive gambling addictions but the reasons prior to these consequences couldn’t be any different. I can only speak for myself and my reasons were that of entitlement which in retrospect is just terrible. I do know now that I am not entitled to anything but it has taken me a long time to discover this.

My sponsoree reasons are much different and we are really very different people however we share the same disease. That is the fascinating part about the compulsive gambling addiction that it seems to affect all different types of people. I have read some of the studies that state compulsive gamblers have a higher then average IQ and this maybe the case but no matter the IQ the addiction takes over the individual.

The addiction did take over my life but now recovery is my life which makes the world of difference. I am doing my best to instill all of the benefits of recovery in my sponsoree. I love recovery and it continues to save my life however others may not share my same sentiments. I don’t know what else I can do other then do what I have been doing which is staying focused in recovery. I don’t believe in any magic words or catch phrases. I believe in walking the walk and yes, my life continues to get better each and everyday.

The dinner was very good and this month’s theme at Souplantation is strawberries. I think strawberries are the only food item that has gone down in price over the past two years. I’m sure this has something to do with the fact that strawberries are in season right now but anyhow the strawberry them was well received by me last night. There was a strawberry salad and a strawberry vinaigrette dressing. Both of these items were delicious and I think someone should develop strawberry vinaigrette dressing in the bottle form because it was delicious. The dinner was very good and the company was even better. This was a great way to spend a Thursday evening.

I arrived home to an empty house which doesn’t happen often so instead of doing something productive like reading I switched on the television. I have somewhat reverted back to “before prison” in turning on the television instead of reading. I read so much during my time incarcerated and over the past almost three months I have read next to nothing. Sure I read the news everyday on the internet which is another wonderful thing and I really don’t see the need for newspapers. In fact I haven’t picked up a newspaper since I have been released because there really isn’t any need. All of the news can be found on the internet and within minutes I am well informed.

I have slipped back into watching television I have no desire to watch “network” television. There are some very good programs on MSNBC, CNN, CNBC and even the Fox News Channel. Also; the new favorite of “Deal or No Deal” seems to air every night on CNBC. I watched a few minutes of this last night and a few minutes of the “Donny Deutsche Show” which is very good and serves as a motivator for doing “one’s own thing”. I was tired and could only take a few minutes of television before falling asleep.

I didn’t need to wake up early this morning so I took advantage of an extra hour of sleep and my body needed this. I was feeling the effects of my hard 10 mile run as I woke up this morning. I was due to run another 8 miles this morning but thought better of it. My shins have not been feeling well for the past two weeks and I need more rest to be at my best for the marathon in two weeks. I have pretty much stayed on course with my training regimen but today was a necessary departure. I rode the exercise cycle instead of running this morning. This seems to flush out the lactic acid in my shins but there still seems to be more then the usual soreness in this area.

The exercise cycle is great because there isn’t any impact on my joints whereas running wears on my joints. I have trained differently for the upcoming marathon then I have for my previous five marathons. I have done more running then in the prior training sessions and I think my body is letting me know to “chill out”. I ran my best marathon in December of 2005 at the Las Vegas Marathon. It seemed that all the stars aligned and I ran exactly what I had planned. I am hoping for a repeat performance in two weeks and even if I don’t I am just happy to be there. I am not only happy I am grateful for the opportunity and will enjoy every step of the 26.2 miles.

Yes, today was a golf day and I went with a great friend. The temperature was in the 90’s (thankfully my golf game was below the temperature) and the winds were blowing rather fierce. This made for an interesting combination. Usually when the winds blow hard there are some holes which are downwind and other holes into the wind. However; today most holes there seemed to be a cross wind (wind blowing from right to left or vice versa). This made for some unusual shots and I did play fairly well. I had one hole that I would like to forget and I can’t wait to complete a round of golf without one of these holes. I believe I lose concentration and one bad shot leads to another bad shot. Fortunately this was only on one hole and I bounced back quickly on the next hole.

It was a wonderful day and it was just the two of us playing golf. This was great because we were able to complete the round rather quickly since there wasn’t any waiting on any of the holes. This is an extra bonus and a great way to play golf. Sometimes (heck oftentimes) golf takes over 5 hours to complete because there are so many players on the course but today we played in only 3 hours which makes a big difference. I hit more good shots than bad shots and my putting seems to be improving. It was a lovely day on the links!!!

Helping with Homework

Yesterday and today I had the distinct pleasure of helping my daughter with her math homework. She is in the fourth grade and she is studying fractions along with percentages. Math up until algebra and geometry was my strong suit. I had such a difficult time with both algebra and geometry more so geometry. I have never been a “spatial” person and when I took geometry in my Junior year of high school (I think my daughter will be studying this next year when she enters the fifth grade!!) I had to drop the class which was the one and only class I ever dropped in high school. I had to drop it because I was doing so poorly. I did take the class in my Senior year and miraculously (it really wasn’t a miracle more like cheating!!) I received an A for the class. Anyhow I have always enjoyed numbers along with formulas and fractions have been a strong suit of mine.

I spent a long time on the telephone with my daughter both today and yesterday but she seemed to grasp the concepts fairly quickly. I did notice a change in my “assisting” style with my daughter. I did help my daughter prior to my departure and I remember giving her the answers more then actually helping her figure out the problems. I think this was due to the fact that I couldn’t concentrate for long periods of time; however; now I do more instructing then just giving the answers. I had a wonderful time on the telephone and my daughter said it best today, “next school year I won’t have to call you for help because we will be together.” Yes, that does sum it up and I can’t wait to sit with her at the kitchen table helping her with her homework.

I not only helped my daughter with her homework but we had a wonderful conversation as well. She informed me that her favorite subject is writing which is a far cry when she first started writing back in the first grade. We had such a difficult time with her back then as she was very resistant towards writing. However; now she loves writing and has maintained a journal for a number of years. She also told me she wanted to be an “author” when she grows up. (Maybe she will write the “book”???) This is another departure from her wanting to be a singer and a skater when she grows up. Yes, my daughter is growing up so quickly and maturing very nicely. I have been beyond blessed with an incredible family and in less then two months we will be altogether as a family.

I am so happy to help my daughter with her homework and I think my wife is elated as well since some of the burden is falling off of her shoulders. I look forward to relieving my wife of this burden when we reunite as a family. My wife has done an exceptional job in the past two years keeping everything together and more importantly giving our children a loving, caring and consistent environment. I am eternally grateful for my wife.

The days continue to blur on by as Wednesday has turned into Thursday so quickly. Work is moving along and there is an undercurrent in the office that I haven’t felt since I started. This is a positive undercurrent even though things are still unsettled. I feel positive momentum and maybe my boss’s practice of “The Secret” is starting to come to fruition. I do believe in this method and I do think that the better “Secret” is Dr. Wayne Dyer’s “The Power of Intention.” They are both the “law of attraction” and I certainly believe “like attracts like” in both the positive and negative sense.

I do feel that positive sense of being flowing through the office and maybe this is happening due to some changes that are taking place. These are interesting changes as a few people are leaving the business to pursue other interest but it is all for the best. One of these people is leaving based on my advice and I will miss this person because they do add to my day in so many different ways. I do believe this is all for the best and what lies ahead is unknown to me but as long as I stay focused in a positive recovery frame of mind everything will be wonderful. It already is wonderful and it is so interesting because if the business wasn’t in such financial strife I wouldn’t be in this position so there is another good point of everything happening for a reason.

I had to get up extra early this morning to get my workout in and since I was at the gym extra early I had an extra long workout. Today was my intense running day and this was the last longer run with intensity before the marathon on June 1st. I have said this many times before but it does bear repeating running is about 85% mental and 15% physical. I implemented the “mind over matter” running style this morning and amazingly I finished all 10 miles in the required time. I wasn’t feeling it early on but after that magically 5 mile mark it truly was all down hill from there. My shins do have some soreness and this soreness seems more permanent then usual. I do attribute this to the intensity of my workouts and lack of rest in between runs.

This is the first time I have trained for a marathon using a dedicated training program. In marathons past I just sort of “winged it” but for the most part I have stayed true to the running program. Also, in marathons past I would only run 2 or 3 times a week whereas now I am running 4 or 5 times a week. It will be interesting to see how the marathon goes and I am shooting for a personal best time. My personal best time was the Las Vegas Marathon where I completed the 26.2 mile course in 3 hours and 35 minutes.

That was a “perfect” run for me even though the temperatures were in the 30’s and 40’s with winds of 40 miles per hour. The first half of that marathon was dead into the wind and thankfully the last half was with the wind at my back which makes a huge difference. I can vividly remember rounding a corner and have the wind almost knock me over. I doubt I will face those types of conditions in San Diego and hopefully the conditions will be ideal. Whatever the conditions I am so happy to be able to run in the marathon and even though my family is 3,000 miles away I will have a smile on my face the entire way.

I made my way into work and had a very good day. I not only spoke with my daughter and the rest of my family I spoke with a very good friend. This friend is planning another golf outing in June and has made a very generous offer for me to attend. We used to take these golf outings “before” it all happened for me and my friend is planning another one just like old times. I have always enjoyed these outings and we have played some very good if not great golf courses over the years. I do look forward to fantastic time when we do finally tee it up next month.

One Step Closer for Reuniting

The Tuesday evening GA meeting in this area is the most well attended meeting of the week. I often wonder why this is the case whether it is the time (7:00 pm), the day of the week or the location of the meeting. Whatever the case we seem to have the largest turnout and last night was no exception. I do remember prior to me being sentenced the Saturday morning meeting having a high attendance factor but that seems to have diminished over the past two years.

I guess the Tuesday evening meeting is the only “regular” GA meeting during the weeknights whereas Monday is a “speaker” and “topic” meeting and Thursday is a “step” meeting. I do enjoy all of the meetings and I seem to get a great deal out of the meetings. There are some days where I am very surprised to learn something more about myself all due to the meeting and this is a very strong element of my recovery. I am eternally grateful for the GA meetings and I am very fortunate that the meetings take place right down the hall from my office. I do believe this all part of a grand plan for me and I am enjoying every step of this journey.

The meeting was very good and there was a great mixture of members who had been with the program for a number of years along with newer members. The subject of how significant others view our compulsive gambling came up and I am always baffled by this. I have been blessed with an exceptional wife and from day one she has never wavered her support. I do know of others who have lost loved ones due to the destruction of their compulsive gambling and others who’s loved ones continued to hold the old compulsive gambling behaviors over their spouses even though they were fully immersed in recovery for a number of years.

This all goes to the “Serenity Prayer” for me because I understand there are things I cannot change and things I can. I cannot change perceptions of anyone except for myself. As long as my thoughts, behavior and actions are all aligned in a positive manner I know everything will continue to work out for the best. It is sometimes very difficult to explain this to a new member who just broke the news of their destruction to their significant other. Compulsive gamblers affect others more so then any other addiction and I believe the statistics state that compulsive gamblers affect no less then six people directly. I think my numbers were a little larger but it does make sense.

An alcoholic or a drug addict can overdose on their “drug” of choice but a compulsive gambler can take down an entire family with all the emotional and financial damage they cause before anyone realizes what had happened. Those consequences have a direct affect on others. Take for instance my situation; I directly affected my wife and children as I took them away from their home and moved them across the country for things I did to propel my compulsive gambling addiction.

My family didn’t know and they certainly didn’t deserve being displaced for the past two years. I am not beating myself up as I am just stating the facts. I am beyond blessed to know that my family will return in less then two months and we will have a place to live that we can call our own. I do believe that last statement is a direct reflection of recovery; do the right thing and the right thing happens.

I may have gotten off point a bit so to bring it back a little; we compulsive gamblers affect others more so then most and when we enter recovery we want it all fixed right away. I learned very quickly when I entered recovery that the damage won’t fix itself and it won’t be fixed right away. I don’t know if “fixed” is even the proper word. I cannot “fix” the sins of my past I can only do the right thing today which is staying true to recovery and having a positive purpose. I was a broken person all thanks to my compulsive gambling but thanks to recovery I am picking up the pieces one day a time.

I was very tired this morning and contemplated sleeping in for only a few minutes. I did drag myself to the gym and got a very good workout. I was a slow starter this morning but by the time my aerobic conditioning kicked in I was feeling great. After the workout I made my way into the office where I have discovered a new breakfast. In the past and up until recently I would eat a protein bar but at $2 a bar I need a new low cost alternative so I have made my own breakfast concoction which consists of granola, yogurt and bananas.

This does have its roots in my prison stay where many items were mixed together such as the oatmeal and peanut butter along with the soups and peanut butter among others. Instead of adding milk (soy in my case) to the granola cereal I purchase the very inexpensive and low calorie yogurt which is a great protein source along with a chopped up banana and I have a wonderful breakfast. It is not only a wonderful breakfast but much less expensive then the protein bars. The box of cereal lasts all week and the yogurts only cost 40 cents. I think the whole meal is less then $1 per day which I think is very inexpensive compared to the protein bars. In addition the mixture does taste very good along with being a great way to start the day.

Today I registered my children for their school and it was great walking into the school my daughter had attended prior to their departure. I have so many great memories of that school and now I look forward to many more. We are very fortunate to be able to enroll both our daughter and son in the same school. The transition for them should be seamless because even though my son didn’t start school out here he knows the school and some of the teachers very well all thanks to his sister. Also; we have some awesome friends who have children in this school as well. As fate would have it I ran into two of these awesome friends as I was registering our children. It was great to see them and know we are one step closer to starting anew.

Very Sad Consequences

I have discussed the HALT method before and for some reason it just popped into my head so I’m not sure where this is all going!! The HALT method in recovery or just battling an addiction (hopefully both?) is never get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired because this is when the addiction takes hold. I remember the first time I heard this and it all makes perfect sense. I do try to apply it to me but really the only one that applies is tired. I never seem to be too hungry and I am rarely angry. In fact; I can’t remember the last time I was angry. I guess I can get lonely but my sights are set on July when my family returns and I find truly focusing one day at time helps tremendously.

I do find myself getting tired but not too often. Today I awoke much earlier then normal because I needed to complete my workout at a specific time so I gave myself plenty of time. I woke up the time I used to wake up when I was in prison and yes, I still don’t need an alarm clock. I do have an alarm clock in my room but I think I have set it once n the time I have been there. It is a rarity for me to oversleep since I am such a light sleeper.

I seem to have an internal clock which wakes me up whenever I need to get up and this was the case this morning. However; my internal clock may have been a little ahead like in another time zone because I was awake well in advance of the time I needed to be awake. Anyhow this provided me enough time for a very good workout and I was able to get back to where I needed by the specified time. Since I got up early I did find myself a bit sleepy this afternoon but for some reason the HALT method came to mind.

I still have no desire to gamble whatsoever which is very positive. I see the new members who come into GA battling their demons and I am so very happy to have moved on from this stage. This is not to say that old gambling compulsion won’t resurface. I fully understand my compulsive gambling addiction has been arrested and as long as I continue to work my recovery there will never be a release date for my compulsive gambling addiction. I like to think I have sentenced my compulsive gambling addiction to a life sentence without the possibility of parole but this life sentence is served just like everything else; one day at a time.

Last night was the Monday evening GA speaker’s meeting and these are very impressive meetings. I have yet to witness a speaker who I didn’t identify with and I most certainly identified with the speaker last night. The beauty of the GA Program is people can have different social, economic and educational backgrounds yet we share the same addiction. Our gambling types may have been different but there was no difference in the compulsion which drove us to do insane things. My level of insanity may seem to have been more so then most other compulsive gamblers but the results are the same. I do enjoy listening to these speakers because it grounds me solidly in recovery. I made one of the best decisions in my life over three years ago when I walked into that GA meeting. I am blessed by this program in my life.

I doubt the majority of the population would understand these stories that are told in the GA meetings but I certainly understand. I keep circling back to the GA member who called me when I was just 18 years old when I first got into trouble with gambling. I remember bits and pieces of that conversation but all of those things he told me came to fruition because I turned my back on the program. I was so scared and partly too egotistical to go into a GA meeting back then. However; it all comes down to the fact that I had to learn the way I continue to learn or it was never going to take hold with me. When I was trying to figure out how to get out of what I had gotten myself into over three years ago all I could think about was once I got out of it how could I continue doing what I was doing. This is such a sick thought but that is the disease talking. Thankfully I no longer have those urges because I know the consequences. I had only heard of the consequences back then but having gone through some of those consequences a “small” bet is not worth losing my life over.

Recovery through the GA Program saves my life each and everyday. I need and want GA in my life because the alternative is awful. I so enjoy the speakers meetings because I continue to gain new insight into my recovery.

On a very sad note the person I spoke with two weeks ago who was about to be sentenced for crimes committed to feed their compulsive gambling addiction was sentenced on Friday. This person was sentenced to seven years in the New Jersey State Prison system. I have learned that the number of years a person is sentenced to is not entirely indicative of how long they will serve. I don’t know how New Jersey operates when it comes to serving sentences but if this were California this person would most likely serve 3 ½ years of that sentence before they were paroled. My sister once asked me why “don’t the courts just sentence the person to the number of years they serve” and I couldn’t answer her because the question made too much sense which may be the answer!! This was very sad to see and yet another example where compulsive gambling can take a person.

Better Food in Prison; NO!!!!

I failed to report yesterday that the 8 pounds I gained while I was “away” now has all been lost. I wasn’t trying to lose the weight but I guess my exercise intensity has gone up since my release or the food is better in prison??? I would go with the former as opposed to the later because the food is much better out here and there is so much more variety. Anyhow I am back to the same weight I was prior to entering prison and I doubt anyone would know whether or not I gained or lost the weight since I look the same. I did notice that my 29 inch waist pants fit much more snug when I first got out and now they fit just like they did almost two years ago.

Speaking of food I finally broke down and bought a jar of peanut butter after two months of refraining. I certainly had my fill of peanut butter while I was in prison and I wasn’t in any hurry to go back to eating peanut butter. However; it is such a convenient food and today I even had peanut butter and bananas for lunch. This was my staple for so long and I would usually eat it in a sandwich form.

Today I went without the bread and it is a very filling lunch along with being inexpensive. The food prices have soared in the past two years and eating “healthy” is another word for eating “expensively”!! I thought it was much more prudent to purchase a jar of organic peanut butter which lasts for a week as opposed to other organic items which only last a few days. I certainly get my money’s worth out of the peanut butter and with the economy today I can see surviving on peanut butter for the foreseeable future.

I still think the “all things peanut butter” is a good idea especially for a college campus. I just need a little more planning and maybe a “sponsor” such as Jif or Skippy. Who knows? I do wonder how the “cereal” stores are doing which served nothing but bowls of cereal. These were situated at college campuses in a few locations across the country and I wonder if they are still in business. I do see this being more of a fad then a long-term deal which is why I believe these types of stores/restaurants need to re-invent themselves so often. I do find relevance in the show “Deal or No Deal” which seems to be re-inventing itself often keeping the show very fresh.

This morning I stopped at the Bruegger’s Bagel store on the way into work which is situated across the street from one of the local high schools. I know the times where there is a line with the high school students and I try to avoid those lines but today there was unexpected traffic that caused me to be there at the exact time of the high school students. I don’t have any issues with the high school students because I was one a few years ago and God willing my children will be as well.

I did observe that the “kids” all have cell phones and seemed to be immersed in those cell phones “texting”. Text messages are a whole new phenomenon to me not because I have been “away” for the past two years but I never seemed to get into it. My boss is constantly texting his daughter so I guess I better gets used to it because my daughter is entering that age as well. I fear (as I had this conversation with my friend the other evening) that there is a complete language developing through these text messages and spelling is now looked at as passé. I am not up on all of the abbreviations and when I send a text message it resembles more of a professional email as I am always concerned about my spelling.

I did notice two high school students sitting at a table in Bruegger’s studying the Bible. I was taken aback not because they were studying the Bible but because they were studying the Bible!! I have nothing against studying the Bible and I think this is a much more positive use of time then the kids who were standing outside the bagel shop smoking cigarettes. These two were not only studying the Bible but they were getting into a very serious discussion. I would guess they were either 15 or 16 and I know when I was that age I would have never thought of even picking up the Bible let alone read one while having a discussion session with another peer. I really don’t know what to make of this but I guess it is more positive then negative.

I didn’t workout this morning going back to taking off on Monday which sets up a better week exercise-wise. This is my last week of intense running as the marathon is less then 3 weeks away. Oddly I haven’t signed up for the marathon and I think I was secretly hoping the entry would go down but the inverse is true; the longer I wait the higher the entry fee. Oh well; just like everything else the entry price has gone up over 35% since my first marathon five years ago. If anyone states we are not in a recession I think they must live in a fantasy world.

Okay enough of that lamenting; this is my last intense week of running and I need to get my shins together in these last three weeks. I did pick up the intensity over the past two weeks which has caused the discomfort in my shins but I have faith I will be in great shape come June 1st. Interesting sidelight; my first marathon I had constant foot pain up until the marathon itself but on marathon day the foot pay disappeared so it really is more psychological then anything else. I am looking forward to these next few weeks but I do need a new pair of running shoes since I have put holes in all of my running shoes. This has just happened over the past two weeks and it is so odd how my running shoes where in the exact spot which is on top of the shoe.

I have holes in all of my running shoes no matter the brand. I realize the preferred mileage on running shoes is around 300 miles which I have exceeded. I will be purchasing a new pair sometime this week because I need to break them in prior to the marathon. I made the mistake of running a half marathon in brand new running shoes. While I ran I felt something strange on my left heel but the endorphins were kicking in and I ignored it. I finished the half marathon and was taking off my running shoe only to see a very bloody sock which transferred to the shoe. Fortunately the place I purchased the running shoes from has an excellent return policy and I was able to exchange the bloody shoes and socks. I won’t make that mistake again!! This “hobby” is getting expensive but not nearly as expensive of my previous “hobby”!!!

I arrived at work to start another glorious week. Things are happening at work and I continue to make the very best of everything. I am so grateful for everything in my life and in less then two months my wife and children will be with me which is all that matters!!!

Happy Mother's Day 2008

The weekly ritual of watching the “Suze Orman Show” and “Deal or No Deal” was relegated to watching only “Deal or No Deal”. My dear friend continued his fitness regimen and had to get in the daily exercise while the “Suze Orman Show” was on and watching this by myself just doesn’t have the same meaning while watching it with my friend. We did watch the full episode of “Deal or No Deal” and I must admit this is a well produced program. I can see why it is very popular. Last night’s episode had a “compulsive gambler in training” as the only contestant and I know I am not supposed to take inventory of others but it was so obvious observing the traits of a compulsive gambler.

The underlying theme was that of poker since the main contestant fancied herself as a “poker player” whose goal was to be the first woman to win the “main event” at the World Series of Poker. This doesn’t send a good message but the poker craze is very popular. It is setting up a whole new generation of compulsive gamblers and I have seen the destruction firsthand in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I am surprised the popularity of poker has continued this far because I thought it was only a passing fancy. I was completely wrong and it appears this poker craze is here for the long haul.

Enough of the diatribe!!! I did enjoy watching the show and it did make the night pass very quickly. After the show I did go to bed but I stayed up for another hour channel surfing basically watching nothing. I did watch the beginning of “Saturday Night Live” which was very funny with a parody of Hillary Clinton.

I am fairly surprised that Barack Obama will win the Democratic nomination because I really thought Hillary would have pulled it but it is clear the nomination belongs to Obama and rightfully so. I am prohibited from voting this election season and thankfully once I complete parole next March my voting rights will be reinstated. If I were able to vote I don’t know who I would vote for between McCain and Obama. I am not enamored with either one because there are more downsides as opposed to upsides for both candidates. Someone will win and I think that someone is going to have a very difficult four years in office. I do hope I am wrong but all the signs are there much like when Jimmy Carter took office in 1977. It is fairly evident our economy is in a recession and I don’t know if either one of those candidates along with Congress will be able to do anything. Again I hope I am wrong.

I was able to fall asleep and stayed in bed much longer then usual this morning. Yes, today is Mother’s Day 2008 and yes, another “special” day I am separated from my family but these “special” days along with “regular” days are dwindling. In less then two months I will be rejoined by my family and I certainly can’t wait. I have to wait and I will continue to live life one day at a time. Today my day consisted of exercising followed by doing laundry and finally attending a GA Meeting.

Today was my long run day of the week and my mind was not into it at all. Since I skipped my run on Thursday today was my third consecutive day of running and my body doesn’t do well running three consecutive days. I do believe it is my mind that does psyche myself out more so then my body. I did run and I felt the same way I felt yesterday with my shins hurting when I started running. Yesterday I was able to “mind over matter” the discomfort and complete the nine miles. Today I wasn’t into “mind over matter” this discomfort so I came up with an alternative plan.

I completed almost three miles of running and since I wasn’t into it I decided to get on the exercise cycle. I knew I needed at least two hours of aerobic activity and after spending 20 minutes running I spent the next hour and forty minutes on the exercise cycle. Normally I sweat very much on the exercise cycle more so then when I run and today I was sweating much more then normal. I had on my running clothes which are specifically designed to wipe away sweat from my skin. These clothes work very well and today they worked too well.

The sweat was wiped off my skin and normally I have some sweat on the ground; today I had a “river” of sweat on the ground and my workout towel was drenched. I did my best to wipe up this sweat but I needed a mop to do a proper job. I had to enlist the help of an employee and it was fairly disgusting. The employee didn’t realize it was sweat (much less my sweat) and thought the water fountain had sprung a leak. This was just as well and the river was wiped up. I wasn’t done with my workout because I wanted to run some more so I went back to the treadmill where I did another 20 minutes of running. My shins were feeling much better which tells me it is so much “mind over matter” and once I start exercising these little aches and pains diminish. I had an exceptionally good workout even though I didn’t run the 16 miles. I did cycle 40 miles and ran 6 miles and this does suffice as a long aerobic exercise day.

The workout was over and I called my wife to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. My wife did receive the flowers I sent on behalf of our children and today our children gave her some plants along with a teapot that they purchased at school. My wife had a family day planned as she went to see her brother and her sister. I can’t say enough of all the love that has surrounded my wife and children over these almost two years. Her day was filled and she certainly made the best. My wife did inform me that a good friend from here had called her early just to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. This is a wonderful person who embodies the GA Program and I was delighted to hear this. I am blessed with magnificent people in my life and I am eternally grateful.

I was able to speak with my Mother and she too had a good day. I can’t say enough about my mother who has done so much for me not only these past three years but over my entire lifetime. My mother is a very special person and I am very happy she had a good day. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there because mothers do make the world go round!!!!

Post Number 1,000!!!

Step eight in the Recovery Program of Gamblers Anonymous states; “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all;” then Step nine states; “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” The Gamblers Anonymous Program is a Program of honesty because that is the cornerstone of my recovery. I wasn’t honest while I was out there insanely gambling and this dishonesty started with myself and went from there. I write this because yesterday my honesty may have caused some consternation for others. In Step nine the tricky part is knowing when to stop making amends in order NOT to cause injury (which is harm not necessarily relegated to physical harm as emotional harm is very real) or harm.

My sponsor has told me the story about a fellow compulsive gambler who first entered the program and was working this ninth step. This person was immersing themselves in the program but went a little too far in trying to make amends because their amends did cause harm to another person mainly their spouse. I do believe discretion is the best part of valor; however; I didn’t seem to practice this over the past week. I was asked something and I gave my honest opinion. I not only gave my honest opinion I said what I thought to be very good advice.

Someone took me up on this advice but I may have harmed another person with what I said. I can’t go into detail because that would compound the matter and I would like to keep the damage limited at best. I can say I was able to diffuse the situation by utilizing step ten in the Gamblers Anonymous Program which is “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.” I was wrong in the things I said because I didn’t take into consideration the perception of others. I am all about honesty and I am not about to temper this honesty because this has gotten me into trouble over the years; however; I will watch what I say especially when it comes to this subject.

I must admit I was a bit flabbergasted when I was “called on the carpet” for what I had said. I didn’t see anything wrong with my comments at the time but in retrospect I may have overstepped my bounds. I am in a difficult situation because as I mentioned I am all about honesty and to me there are no “half-truths”. “Half-truths” to me are just lies and lies led me to places I choose never to go back to. I guess it all goes back to the age old saying of “if you don’t have anything good to say don’t say anything.” This is difficult especially when I thought I was doing the right thing which was looking out for others. I realize I can’t save the world nor can I save another person. I must concentrate on saving myself each and everyday. I do save myself through recovery and I do enjoy assisting others but I must think through the things I say much better.

What I believe to be obvious is not obvious to others and sometimes this is a difficult concept for me to grasp. I am fairly good with numbers and I know there are many people who hate numbers. I can look at a number problem and work this out very quickly whereas others have a difficult time. By the same token I have such a difficult time with spatial matters. I need to see things in black and white where others can see these spatial matters in their head. Everyone does have their own perception and I must consider this as I offer my advice. I will not stop being honest and when people ask my opinion I will give it but I must give it with a qualifier. Thankfully the situation diffused itself rather quickly but I did learn a valuable lesson.

Last night went rather quickly and this morning I didn’t feel like getting out of bed at my usual early hour. I did something I haven’t ever done which was split up my workout. I did go to the gym but I only had time to do the weightlifting portion of my workout as I needed to get to the GA meeting this morning. We had yet another wonderful birthday (actually multiple birthdays) celebration this morning as we celebrated two members second birthdays in the program. Now that I have been in the program over three years I have been able to witness remarkable growth in many members who stick with the program. Today two of these members have shown remarkable growth. I do remember when they both came into the program and it is amazing the transformation that takes place as people really get involved with the GA Program.

It truly was a perfect example at the power of the GA Program. We had a new member this morning and unfortunately this member didn’t stay for the entire meeting because they missed some wonderful therapy. Compulsive gambling destroys people, families and almost all of those who come in contact with the compulsive gambler. However; through recovery it is very possible to rebuild that destruction into a solid foundation. This was the case this morning as one member who was celebrating their birthday had their entire family with them.

I was moved to tears when I heard their daughter say, “My Dad ROCKS!!!” as part of the sharing. This daughter was the same age as my daughter and I couldn’t help but to think about not only my daughter but my family as well.” Through the GA Program I have the opportunity to get my family back in less then two months and I loved seeing the entire family there in support of this member. Miracles continue to happen in GA and I am eternally grateful.

The awesome meeting/celebration had ended and I have to comment as to how special our members of GA are to me. These are great people who have and continue to do remarkable things for me and for the Program. I had no idea what to expect when I entered that room over three years ago and in my wildest dreams I would have never imagined as to all of the blessings in my life all thanks to these great people. I am honored and privileged to be a small part of this incredible fellowship.

These birthday celebrations do capture a “high” not only for the birthday person but for all those in attendances. I felt this “high” and was so happy to have attended the meeting/celebration. After the meeting I went back to the gym to complete part two of my workout. I needed to run nine miles just like I ran yesterday but today’s pace was much slower then yesterday.

I don’t know what it is about this particular section of my training program but I struggled much more then I did yesterday even though I was running much slower. I do understand it really comes down to a mental game. I felt some aches in my shins and normally these aches go away after the second mile but I struggled all the way up to mile 5. I even considered quitting and finishing the workout on the cycle which has minimal impact. However; I applied the principles of the GA Program to my run which was taking it one minute at a time. Before I realized it I had run all nine miles and my shins stopped hurting. There is something to be said for applying all the principles of the GA Program to all aspects of my life!!

I would be remiss to report that this is my 1,000th post. I realize that is only just a number like the number 14 but 1,000 seems like a great deal of posts. I started this blog over three years ago and I have written so many words over this period and now I am at post 1,000. I didn’t set out to write “x” number of posts I have just written one at a time over these three years. I am grateful for these 1,000 posts and I have no idea how many more posts I have in me but I will continue writing one at a time!!!

Happiness is the Way

I received an email thanking me for yesterday’s posting and I know this shouldn’t matter to me but this note of thanks made a big difference in my day. I write this blog (selfishly) for myself; however; there is something inside of me that secretly hopes the words in this blog may help someone. As I mentioned this blog is a part of my recovery and has become hugely therapeutic over the past three years.

I could very well type my thoughts and lock them away for no one to see but another large part of my recovery is accountability and these thoughts I write daily are part of that accountability. When I receive an email from someone thanking me for what I wrote it does make my day because it makes everything worth it. Often times I wonder if anyone reads these words and now I know at least one person read what I wrote yesterday and the words made sense.

Yesterday morning I was too exhausted to workout from the night before. I don’t have it in me to workout within 12 hours of the sessions. I knew when I went to sleep I wouldn’t be working out and I also knew I couldn’t exercise after work because I had something scheduled. That something scheduled was working with my sponsoree for the first time. This is my very first sponsoree as I didn’t feel that it would be prudent of me to take on anyone prior to my sentencing. Now thankfully my sentence has been served and I am able to be of service to the GA Program. An integral part of GA is sponsorship and my sponsor has been an immense aid to me over these past three years.

My sponsor went through a similar situation to me a number of years ago and knew what I was about to face. My sponsoree has also gone through a similar situation to me and I believe we do complement one another. We spent an hour going over some very good recovery topics and I shared my feelings about GA and recovery. We worked step one in the recovery program and it was a very good session. We carried the session over to dinner and we made some very good progress. This helps me as well as hopefully helping my sponsoree. The key to the GA Program is giving back and I have so much I want to give to GA and this is a very small part.

I was very enthused about our first session as we ended the evening. I went back home and before I went back home I spoke with my wife and children. My daughter was so funny when I spoke with her because in a very hushed voice she said, “Are you going to send Mommy flowers for Mother’s Day?” I had to laugh because she sounded so innocent and sincere. I made a smart comment which I am prone to do and my daughter does understand my humor but then I did tell her I sent flowers and they should be there tomorrow. My daughter was relieved to hear that flowers were being sent and she then told me my mother (her grandmother) gave her some money so she and my son could purchase flowers at school for my wife. My mother is so thoughtful.

The conversation with my family was wonderful even though my son wasn’t feeling so well. He didn’t go to school which is unusual for him; he had an upset stomach from the night before. My wife had to stay home from work with him because there wasn’t anyone available to watch my son. This is certainly one of the drawbacks of having a sick child but my wife had to stay home. My son sounds so sad when he is sick but he always says; “A little bit good,” when asked how he is feeling no matter the circumstances. This is so cute and it always brings a smile to my face. By the way my son doesn’t have the best diet in the world as it is probably the opposite of his sister who eats next to nothing. My son seems to eat everything in sight and the night before they were at a minor league baseball game where his snacks consisted of chicken nuggets, French Fries, funnel cake and dip n’ dots. This isn’t exactly healthy eating and there is no wonder why his stomach was upset.

My wife did mention he was feeling better but she kept him home from baseball practice for precautionary measures. The conversation was great and I was informed that if the weather is good they will be all going down to my sister-in-law’s house on Sunday for Mother’s Day and will probably go to the beach. That will be a wonderful and thankfully those “special” days are coming to end where we will all be a part. I guess Father’s Day will end the streak of us being a part which is a great thing.

I went home and read a little awhile before falling off to sleep. I did awake to workout and for some reason I had a somewhat restless evening of sleep. I kept waking up which has been unusual for me ever since my release over two months ago. I don’t know what it was but I do notice that on days where I don’t workout my sleeping is a bit restless so this may have had something to do with it. Anyhow I woke up and went to the gym. I had another one of my “leisure” days planned as my day consisted of playing golf after my workout.

I was invited to play golf by a friend and yes, I can call this person a friend. It is often times strange how things work out for the very best. I have known this person for almost ten years as our places of businesses were the same in Las Vegas and here in Southern California. I wouldn’t quantify our relationship as friends before today as we were more of “advanced” acquaintances. We did work for the same companies but never in the same departments. I believe we were always cordial to one another and I always thought this person had a great sense of humor but we never seemed to develop a friendship that is until today.

When I was sentenced and was at the County Jail I received a letter from a much unexpected source which was the person I played golf with today. This person not only wrote me while I was at the County Jail but every place thereafter. I looked forward to these letters because that great sense of humor showed through and today we had a very enjoyable round of golf.

Normally when I play golf the emphasis is on the golf game itself but not today. The emphasis was on talking to this very good person. I couldn’t tell you what my golf score was because we didn’t keep score because there was no need. This was an outing where two people caught up and I dare say a friendship has blossomed. This person still has that outstanding sense of humor and also a great outlook on life. The quote of the day was; “I don’t need to make a whole lot of money to be happy,” no, it wasn’t me who said this although I do believe this to be the case; it was my friend who has developed a peace of mind over the years. I had a wonderful time today and look forward to doing it again very soon.

Humility and Gratitude

If anyone does not know who Harlan Coben is I urge you to pick up one of his books from your local library because he has become my favorite author over this past year. My mother has always been a huge proponent of Mr. Coben and until I was in prison did I finally realize what a great author he is. The following passage was taken from Harlan Coben’s blog and there was one passage which really blew me away. Here is the passage;

I sat down and got to work. As I came upon my second hour of signing, someone asked, as someone inevitably does, “Isn’t your hand getting sore?”

The honest answer: No.

My hand only gets sore when NO ONE wants me to sign a book. I still remember my early days, sitting in some Waldenbooks at a mall, no one approaching me, trying to look busy, playing with my pen, straightening out my untouched pile of bookmarks, feeling something like the authorial equivalent to a poster child (”You can buy his book…or you can turn the page…”).

Now I’m supposed to complain because too many people want me to sign their books???

Forget it.

Mr. Coben was discussing a book signing and on the blog was a photograph of hundreds probably thousands of his books as he set out to sign each one. I found what he wrote incredibly refreshing and something I need to apply to my own life. Here is an author who is number one on the New York Times bestseller list and seemingly has it all. Yes, he does have it all and he is extraordinarily humble.

When I was released from prison over two months ago I walked around in awe and had a big smile on my face. Slowly this awe has subsided with my daily life and yes, I still have my smile but it is fading. This is not right and this passage from Mr. Coben sums it all up perfectly. I walked out of prison a free man over two months ago and I was free in so many different ways. I have been incredibly fortunate through all of this as I landed a job within days of my release. Okay; my job may not be working out perfectly but hey I have a job and I am contributing to the world the best way I can. I have no right to lament, lambaste or criticize anyone and I believe no one has the right to criticize another person.

I am eternally grateful to every person in my life and those who are no longer in my life. I have received enormous support through all of this and I continue to receive support from many different people. Sure everyone is entitled to a bad day or for feeling sorry for themselves but I must maintain this same attitude that Harlan Coben has of gratitude. I am grateful in every way possible from my family to my job to my friend and to every aspect of my life.

I was moved to tears when I read that simple sentence; “Forget it.” Life is filled with despair, destruction and many negative things. Look at all of the devastation which occurred in Myanmar this week with so many people losing their lives. If I were to concentrate on the negative I would be a lost soul which is why I do my very best to focus on the positive. I thought I may have an opportunity to change jobs in the coming weeks but those possibilities did not materialize which means I have to stay at my present position. Cash flow here is weak but there are great people doing great things and I do believe everything will work out the way it is meant to work out.

I do sometimes make life much too complicated then it needs to be because for 19 ½ months I had a very simple existence. In that simple existence I learned so much about myself and I found the peace of mind I lacked for years. I could see this slipping away out here in the free world but it all came back to me when I read this simple passage. The message for me is of gratitude. I have a wonderful and I am surrounded by wonderful people. I am truly blessed in many ways.

I had to get that out first because a wave of emotions hit me when I read the passage from Harlan Coben and it is truly so very simple. The KISS method; Keep It Simple Stupid comes to mind. I mess up when I try to complicated things and life does not have to be so complicated. Last night I worked out after work because I was too tired yesterday morning and that is something I may have never done in the past. I had one of my best workouts in a very long time. I had time before having a lovely dinner with a wonderful friend. There are an abundant number of wonderful people in my life and I am in contact with these people each and everyday. Last night I had a great dinner with one of these magnificent people.

This was the same friend I had dinner with a month ago at their restaurant. I met this person in a very bizarre manner 6 years ago and we have kept in contact ever since. Even with my misdeeds this friend stood beside me and this friend even volunteered their services to help me move next month. Now that is what I call a friend because most people don’t volunteer to help anyone move yet there was never a second thought. Yes, I continue to be blessed each and everyday.

I intend to read this passage every day as a reminder to myself. The fact of the matter is I was released from prison over 2 months ago and if I get upset over just about anything I must be insane!!! I don’t get upset easily and I do look at the world a little differently now but I must maintain the position of being grateful. I am so grateful for every aspect in my life and I am in awe along with having a huge smile on my face.

Full Circle Already

I was once again exposed to the business end of Gamblers Anonymous last evening for the first time since my release from prison. Prior to entering prison I was a very active member of Gamblers Anonymous and attended this meeting on a regular basis. The meeting only commences once a month on the first Tuesday of the month which was yesterday evening. Some say this is a “necessary evil” of Gamblers Anonymous and I can understand this statement. GA is fully self-supporting but it is a large organization and in large organizations there is a need for order. There are some who doubt the sense of “order” at Intergroup (the term for the business meeting of GA) but I have always thought it does give the groups some cohesiveness.

I went representing a meeting who’s Secretary could not make the meeting and the sole reason I was there was for support of a very dear friend. This very dear friend was running for one of the highly responsible elected positions in GA called a “trustee”. This dear friend embodies the GA Program and I was delighted to hear his name announced as one of the three elected trustees. We had every meeting from our area represented all in support of this dear friend.

This was my return to Intergroup and when I last attended my sponsor was the chairperson of this meeting. My sponsor has since moved out of the area and there was a new chairperson. As fate would have it as I entered the room my cell phone rang and it was my sponsor. My sponsor had called for a completely unrelated reason but it was odd hearing his voice but not seeing him at the meeting. Anyhow the new chairperson did a great job of reigning in all of the “personalities” in the room which is a fete in and of itself.

It was wonderful seeing people I hadn’t seen in almost two years and it was great to see nothing had changed. The same people spoke on essentially the same issues that were discussed two years ago. Everyone at the meeting was there on a volunteer basis and no one was being paid for their time but clearly there was a great deal of care in the room. This care goes to the core of the GA Program which is people helping people overcome their gambling addiction and also learning a new positive way of living. I am eternally grateful for this program and it was the least I could do spending the evening at the meeting.

As was the case a couple of years ago we carpooled to the meeting as it is about 40 miles away. These rides are wonderful therapy and are an extension of the GA Program. I brought the idea of holding a “discussion group” once a month and this was met with resounding positive feedback. Everyone was completely in favor of this meeting and we agreed the best night would be the last Friday of the month. Now we need to get the word out to the other groups and see how everyone else feels about this being a possibility. I was very pleased to hear the positive feedback and look forward to getting this meeting implemented.

The day was very long and I got a ride back from my dear friend who met all of us at the meeting. We continued on one of our regular discussions on the ride home and continued when we got home. It was a long day but a wonderful day especially being so closely associated with the GA Program. I stayed awake much later then usual talking with my dear friend and knew I wouldn’t get up in the morning to workout. My body was calling for a morning of rest and it was a good morning to sleep in. I have dinner plans later on this evening and I may workout prior to those dinner plans depending upon how I feel.

I arrived at work earlier then usual since I didn’t workout this morning. My mind was somewhat fixated on a meeting I was going to have lunchtime. This meeting was at the same place where I was sentenced almost two years ago. I hadn’t been back there since and really wasn’t looking forward to walking into that building but it was something I needed to do. I certainly don’t want to be melodramatic about this because really “it is what it is” and my life is so much better now then it has ever been. It really is all about choosing the proper positive attitude. I did my best not to obsess on the meeting and going back to that place so I just focused on my work this morning.

The morning flew by and before I knew it I was departing for the meeting. I met my boss as we rode together to the meeting. Ironically enough he came back from a different meeting with people I was intimately associated with prior to my misdeeds. This was exactly my ex-employer but a division of that employer. At my current position I have been dealing with this division and the people my boss had met with this morning. As soon as I saw my boss he gave me rundown of that meeting. At the meeting according to my boss the two people he met couldn’t say enough good things about me. Of course this was great to hear (for my ego) but really it is just me doing my job to the best of my ability. I do my best to maintain a positive and sincere attitude with everyone and apparently I am well thought of.

This was good news as we drove to the meeting at the place where I was sentenced. Strangely enough I had a sense of calm as we drove toward the ominous building. The last time I pulled into the parking lot I was with my wife knowing that it would be day. Today was completely different because I knew in two hours I would be walking out of the building. I most certainly walked out of the building two hours later and I found myself immersed in the meeting for those two hours. I guess I can say I have come “full circle” but this circle has a positive tangent line and I am headed right down this line!!

Discussion Group? Maybe??

It was that time of the week for the Monday Evening GA “Topic” meeting and I filled as chair for my friend who usually chairs the meeting. This meant I had to come up with a topic for the meeting. My first instinct was “abstinence in recovery” and “recovery through abstinence” but I wanted to come up with something a little simpler. I had a few thoughts during the day such as “patience”, “tolerance” and “willingness” but these had been discussed at other meetings. I was going for an original idea and although “abstinence” and “recovery” aren’t very original I seemed fixated on this as a topic so I went with it. I also thought it would be great if we had a weekly or even a monthly GA “discussion group” open to all members.

A few weeks ago a longstanding member proposed the idea of hosting a newcomer’s only meeting after the Monday evening meeting. This meant only those with 6 months or less could attend this meeting and it would facilitate as more of a discussion as opposed to our regular meeting format. I thought this to be a wonderful idea and hopefully in the coming weeks it will commence. I did want to take this a step further with the “discussion group” as the thought popped into my head yesterday. I haven’t discussed this with anyone and I don’t know if there are any GA “discussion groups” in any other area.

Las Vegas has over 100 meetings (rightfully so) and they have all types of meetings such as “men only”, “women only”, “newcomers”, “step discussion” and “cross comment meetings”. The last type of meeting (cross comment) would come close to my thought of a discussion group but I would want a moderator/facilitator so the discussion wouldn’t dissolve into anarchy. We do have a step meeting every week which is the only meeting I don’t attend in the area.

I have gone to four meetings a week since I was released and before I was sentenced I was going to five meetings. One of those meetings has been consolidated and our GA group has five meetings per week and as I mentioned I attend 80% of those meetings. At the present time attending four meetings a week is very convenient due to my job and the fact that my family is still 3,000 miles away.

I don’t foresee continuing to go to 4 meetings a week when my family comes back because I need to seek balance in my life. I do certainly intend on attending at least two meetings per week and I am not sure which two I would attend. I do lean towards the Sunday evening meeting and either Monday or the Tuesday meeting. Saturdays will become very busy with the children’s activities but I need and want GA in my life. Those events are in the future and the best I can do is live one day at time trusting everything will work out for the very best.

I certainly would like to have the “discussion group” for all that would want to attend and I wonder if this has to be “GA” sanctioned meeting. I guess we could try it on an informal basis after the Monday meeting and see how it works. I have a format in my head but I am not sure how it would work in practice. The Monday meeting only lasts one hour and last night it only lasted 45 minutes; this is a departure from most of our meeting which last in upwards of two hours. I don’t know where I am going with any of this as I am really thinking out loud. I do know that the meeting/visits I had while I was at fire camp seem to act as a discussion group and I loved those meetings/visits immensely. Maybe I will bring this up at next week’s meeting.

The topic went okay; it wasn’t my best and I believe my sharing/therapy fell a bit flat. This is alright because it did get me to think and thinking through recovery is a wonderful attribute. I know I wasn’t rationally thinking at the end of my compulsive gambling days because if I were thinking rationally there is no way I could have continue the path I was on. I am eternally grateful for the path I am on as it is immersed in recovery.

The meeting ended and I went home where I was once again tapped to be the “Food Coach” for my dear friends. I’m not so sure at the end of a week my friends will consider me a dear friend with all the “great” advice I give them such as drink at least 8 cups of water a day, don’t eat after 8:00 pm and exercise at least 30 minutes each day; among many other “words of wisdom” (not so much!!). I even went as far as writing out 12 helpful hints to a healthy eating and living way of life. I called them “guidelines to healthy living and eating” (isn’t that original!!) as a reminder to stay on the right path.

At this point I can go into a diatribe about diets but I won’t. I will say I believe there are two parts of the GA Program; the first part is abstinence from gambling and the second part is applying the 12 Recovery and 12 Unity Steps to my life everyday. I believe all of those diets out there are just plain old abstinence. Sure I could refrain from gambling only but I wouldn’t experience recovery much like a person can lose weight on “Nutrisystems” but what happens when they are in a situation where there isn’t access to “Nutrisystems” do the old habits resurface; I would say most likely. In GA I understand recovery and what I need to do in order to recovery which is providing me with a better way of life. “Dieting” is a quick fix but in the long run I will adhere to all aspects in the Program because my life improves each and everyday.

This morning I had to wake up early and get to the gym in order to take my friend to the Surgery Center. I purposely split my workout between yesterday and today for this fact. I worked out with weights yesterday and today I ran 10 miles. I was a little behind schedule so I had to step up my intensity and this did feel very good. I am very surprised because there weren’t any lingering effects from the 22 mile run on Sunday and I was able to complete the 10 miles without any problems. The run was excellent and I picked up my friend right on time.

My friend was having knee surgery and I was able to pick him up a few hours later. Modern technology is amazing because he was able to basically walk out of the surgery center without a cane or crutches. He did have a large bandage but he looked no worse for the wear to me. I was very happy to help out this friend who has stood by every step of the way. There was never any doubt in this friends mind that I really was when all of my “stuff” came out. I am forever grateful to this friend and all of my friends and family for their incredible support. It was the least I could do to help this friend and it was my pleasure every step of the way.

Sundays = Laundry and More

Sundays have become my day for laundry. I am still working with a finite amount of clothes as more of my clothes are buried within several boxes stacked upon one another. Working with a finite amount of clothes is not necessarily a negative as decisions on what to wear are made that much easier. The other side is I have to do laundry weekly because otherwise I will run out of certain items. I am not about to dig out the remainder of my clothes as this will work itself out when my family comes back in July and we are altogether. So for now I will make do with what I have which means doing the laundry each and every Sunday.

My dear friends have been so wonderful over these past two months and they have made me feel at home. However; on laundry days I do feel like I am intruding. This is all on me as my friends are incredible and I am eternally grateful to be living with them on this temporary basis. I did do the laundry yesterday afternoon and then it was time to go to the Sunday evening GA meeting as is the case every Sunday afternoon.

Where I work is the same place that the Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday GA meetings are held so I maintain the materials for some of these meetings in my office. The regular Secretary for the Sunday meeting had a personal obligation to attend to so somehow I was left to chair the meeting. I certainly don’t mind chairing the meetings whatsoever and it was my pleasure yesterday evening. The usual “suspects” arrived for the meeting but the attendance was very low. There were only 6 people in attendance which marked the smallest meeting I have attended since my release. The interesting fact about the 6 people at the meeting was each member had at least one year in the program.

The rash of newcomers over the past two weeks didn’t seem to spill over to the meeting last night. This is ashamed but it is not for me to take inventory of others. I know what works for me which is going to meetings, working the program and getting involved. I cannot stress this enough because in over 3 years of being associated with the program I have noticed a remarkable change in my life. The program does provide for miracles and I do believe I am an embodiment of these miracles. I am forever grateful to the GA Program as it continues to save my life everyday.

Once again it may have been a small meeting but the therapy/sharing was very powerful. In the room were six people who truly “get” the program and this is why they were there. I understand people have lives outside of the program and we do stress attend at least one meeting per week but there is something special about this “candlelight” meeting. I do share an affinity for this meeting and I do remember that it was my second GA meeting I have ever attended.

The meeting was over and it was back home where my friends were preparing dinner. There seems to be a change in the eating habits of my friends and they have requested my assistance with this change. In case anyone doesn’t realize I will remind you that I have very strange eating habits. I am a vegetarian but I do eat fish; I have refrained from eating anything that comes from something with legs for quite a long time. Also I do my best to eat healthy staying away from anything fried and fat ladened. I am what anyone would consider a very restrictive eater. Trying to emulate my diet is very difficult for almost anyone but my friends wanted help with their new healthy eating way and I was more then happy to help.

I do fear that they will hate me in a few days with all the “advice” I will be giving them. I don’t like giving advice but when I am asked to do so I do feel an obligation. It is a bit ironic because my wife who neither eats anything like me nor has ever eaten like me has lost a considerable amount of weight in the past two years as we have been a part. It appears it was me that made her gain the weight in the first place!!! Anyhow sorry for the digression my friends made a lovely dinner and I was in charge of portion control. My friend is really taking this healthy eating attitude seriously and has even incorporated an exercise plan. I am happy to help in anyway possible but hopefully I won’t cross any lines because I want to keep them as dear friends.

The rest of the evening I helped my dear friends address envelopes. Once again I was happy to help in anyone I could because it is the least I can do for these very dear friends. The project went very quickly and the evening was coming to a close. I went to sleep and when I got up it was the start of another work week.

Normally I usually take off on Mondays from working out and I was wondering how I would feel after running the 22 miles. Well I felt great with no soreness whatsoever which is a very positive sign. In fact; a few hours after the run I could feel myself getting much stronger and if I had to I could have run another 22 miles. I was feeling very good so I decided to exercise this morning because I have to help a friend tomorrow morning. I am taking this friend to an out-patient surgery center where he will have some minor surgery. Instead of getting up very early tomorrow I decided to break up my workout in two parts; I lifted weights today and I will run tomorrow. Prison has taught me to be flexible and in the past I know I would have never broken up my exercise regimen. This proved to work out very well this morning.

After the workout I was off to the office for another fun-filled day. I had some things to do and was able to get them accomplished. The storm is certainly brewing in the office as the first rumblings came today. I certainly don’t know what the future will bring which is why I concentrate on today and today was very good day. I was able to speak with someone who I haven’t spoken with in a few years but corresponded very consistently with while I was “away”. I was even invited to play golf on Friday which I gladly accepted. It is amazing okay maybe it isn’t so amazing all thanks to recovery that my life continues to work out for the very best.

Superlative Sponsor

It was a rare occasion yesterday evening where I was home all alone. The house was eerily quiet as it always has a hum to it. Last night it was just me and I did miss our weekly “Suze Orman Show” followed by “Deal or No Deal” viewing. I didn’t turn the television on instead I had a great telephone conversation with my sponsor. My sponsor has moved out of the area and I haven’t seen him in almost two years but over these past two years we have kept in constant contact.

While I was in prison there was the weekly letter and now it is the weekly telephone conversation. We usually speak on Sunday evenings but the timing was right and we spoke yesterday evening. These are always great talks just like the letters I received when I was in prison. GA continues to enrich my life and having a sponsor is a critical component to my recovery. I realize many people in our fellowship don’t have sponsors and that may work for them but having a sponsor who went through a similar situation helps me tremendously. I do look forward to our conversations and yesterday it was great.

We seem to always cover a variety of topics and this was the case last night. I had a commentary on the GA Program sent to me and I shared this with my sponsor. This commentary can be found here; http://www.camh.net/egambling/issue17/ferentzy1.html if anyone is interested. The article is very interesting and does depict the GA Program very well. I don’t quite get why the author seemed to obsess over the fact that the critical theme in the GA Program is patience. This makes complete sense to me because the problems I caused were over a 20 year period and there is no way these problems would go away in a very short period of time. I have witnessed that my life continues to improve as I stay focused within GA and most of all I have found a program that saves my life everyday.

I do find the history of the GA Program very fascinating as it was started 50 years ago in Los Angeles, California now there are groups all over the world. The 12 Steps are very much like those found in the Alcoholics Anonymous organization. I don’t know much about AA other then having read their 12 Steps. I do like the “Spiritual Awakening” part of the 12 Steps in AA which GA does not have. I know for myself I continue to have a “Spiritual Awakening” each and everyday. I have said this before that I am not a very religious person but I do believe there is a “Higher Power” at work in my life. This is a “Spirit” which resides inside of me and everything else in this world. I know I am powerless over gambling and I can’t gamble since my life became unmanageable when I was gambling. Now that I have given up this to a “Higher Power” my life is wonderful each and everyday.

My sponsor gave me some insights on this commentary that I didn’t know and as always my sponsor filled me with knowledge. Apparently in the early days of GA the 12 Steps were copied verbatim from the AA Program but personalities got involved and these Steps were changed to reflect what they are today. Make no mistake GA is a Spiritual program and I respect everyone’s Higher Power as their own. Some people have Jesus Christ while others choose the room and I do believe whatever works best for the person works best for the person. The critical component is getting my own ego out of the equation because I don’t want to delude myself into believing I can do this on my own because I cannot.

The great conversation was over and I did a little reading before drifting off to sleep. I had such a vivid dream that an earthquake had happened that I woke up thinking there was an earthquake. Fortunately there wasn’t an earthquake and after reassuring myself I went back to sleep. I slept in much longer then usual in preparation of getting enough rest for my 22 mile run this morning. I could have stayed in bed longer which is very unusual for me but it was time to get up and get going. I got going to the gym and I don’t know how many people run 22 miles on a treadmill but I have found this works best for me. The cushioning on the treadmill helps to alleviate stress on my knees and I can adjust my intensity according.

I was feeling very good from the 5 to the 18 mile mark. As I reached the 19 mile mark I could feel my legs getting sore. This is different then muscle soreness as I can feel it in my bones but this is always the case for me. I continued on to the 22 mile mark where I accomplished what I set out to do. A marathon is 4.2 miles longer and I was certainly feeling at the 22 mile mark. I am sure I will gut out those last few miles but I was hoping I would feel better at this point. The key is I got the long run in and in 4 weeks I will embark on the 26.2 miles.

I have heard many stories where people get sick (throw-up) when running long distances. Fortunately I have not experienced this but today I was feeling some strange effects from my stomach. No, I didn’t get sick but when I finished those 22 miles I was done for the day. I didn’t exactly hydrate myself very well yesterday as I would do for a marathon so I am positive this was part of feeling a little queasy. Yes, I was a sweaty mess while I was running and most certainly when I was finished. The hot shower was a welcomed relief and it was a wonderful morning.

"Get out of Something" Quite the Contrary

I am doing my very best to make each and everyday count in a positive sense. I continue to attend my (aren’t I possessive) GA meetings four times a week and this week I added another just for good measure. I realize there have been some people in the past who thought my motivation for attending the GA meetings was something less then honorable as they thought I was trying to “get out of something”. Well if I was trying (which I am not) to “get out of something” it certainly has not worked. The “get out of something” for me is my compulsive gambling addiction. I knew I needed a very long time ago but when everything came crashing down this is when I finally accepted the fact that I am a compulsive gambler and my life had become completely unmanageable.

In over three years and through some very trying circumstances my life is no longer unmanageable because I have stopped gambling. Not only have I stopped gambling but my life continues to get better all thanks to recovery through the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I have been abstinent from gambling in the past and those stretches lasted a few years. I am trying to remember if I have gone more then 3 years without placing a single bet and I don’t believe I have so this is an accomplishment of sorts. I am downplaying this because through the GA Program I know my compulsive gambling is only “arrested” and if unleashed my life is gone for good. I need to continue to arrest my gambling addiction which is accomplished through the Gamblers Anonymous program one day at a time for a lifetime.

I woke up at the usual early hour but today being a Saturday I gave myself an hour extra of sleep. This week I have implemented a different exercise schedule but it was very much like the workout schedule of two weeks. Since I have a very long run planned tomorrow (22 miles) I wouldn’t be doing any aerobic activity today but I did go to the gym to exercise with weights. This allowed me to sleep-in an hour extra which I felt like I needed. This running regimen is remarkable because prior to Friday’s run I was feeling the effects from the hard run on Thursday but after the run on Friday my legs felt so much better. There is something to be said for getting the lactic acid out of my legs which running two consecutive days allows me. I understand the “method to the madness” and I am enjoying this running schedule.

I am also enjoying my workouts and ever since I learned so many different core (abdomen) exercises while I was “inside” I have carried these out with me to the gym. I am able to use an exercise/stability ball to do many of these exercises which I was unable to do while I served my time. The exercise/stability ball adds another dimension to the workout and it is certainly challenging. I do miss my workout partner/old roommate because he would always set me straight when doing these exercises. Now there is no one to inform me that I am “cheating” on the exercises and I am sure I do take shortcuts every now and then but I always have my old roommate in the back of my mind when I am doing these exercises.

I did the core exercises and I also worked out with weights. Contrary to popular belief I continue to workout with weights five days a week along with running five days a week. I have decided to split the workouts on the weekend since I do need a day of non-aerobic activity prior to a long run and I don’t want to workout with weights on the day I have the long run so this works very well. Today I wasn’t a sweaty mess after my workout and I felt like something was missing but his was okay. In the past I would have done some type of aerobic activity so I could turn into a sweaty mess; however; today there was no need because tomorrow will be a very sweaty mess through and through.

The exercise routine was over and it was on to the Saturday morning GA meeting. The meeting this morning was small in attendees but long on therapy. There were two exceptional members who were in attendance this morning. These two were visiting the meeting but they come so often they are regulars. Both of these members give powerful therapy an invariably their therapies always ring a chord with me. One of these members is moving out of the area very soon and I will miss this member. The two of us share a common bond other then being compulsive gamblers. I met this member early on when I joined GA and I have gained so much experience, strength, and hope from this person. I do wish them well because their life is most certainly working out for the best.

Even though our numbers of attendees were down the meeting still lasted the full two hours and I do believe we have a very special group of wonderful people who attend all of these meetings. The caring is so true and the love so powerful. I am grateful to be a part of such an incredible fellowship. I am so happy I chose to enter that room over three years ago because my life also continues to improve each and everyday.

The meeting was over so I headed into the office. I didn’t want to sit in the office on such a beautiful day so I searched for an inexpensive golf round. I have become so fortunate in finding these very good deals for inexpensive golf. Yesterday I found a rate which was almost 60% less then the normal rate on a very good golf course. I must report that a few years ago I paid nothing for golf when I worked for my previous employer. One of my co-workers had special “deals” with the neighboring golf courses and I seem to always be with this co-worker when they played golf. Now I have to pay for golf and some of the green fees are out of this world. My budget is limited but thanks to the power of the internet I am able to stay within my budget. This was the case today as I discovered another rate which was close to 70% less then the regular rate. I couldn’t pass this up and it was a golf course I haven’t played.

I stayed at the office for an hour but happily drove off to the golf course. I arrived at the golf course only to be told that they had no record of my tee time and paid green fees. In recovery I have found that lashing out doesn’t work very well so when I am faced with a situation such as this where I want to lash out I remain calm and say, “okay, how do we fix this?” The gentleman at the golf course was very nice and contacted the website I booked the reservation on. He informed them that they made a mistake and must refund my money. He not only got them to refund me money but he re-booked my tee time for 30 minutes later at an even reduced rate from the reduced rate!! I didn’t mind waiting the extra 30 minutes because I continued to save money. I don’t see the need to scream and yell when things don’t go my way. I trust and believe everything will work out for the best and everything did workout for the best today.

I did get out playing golf for the second day in a row but today I was by myself. I was teamed up with two very nice gentlemen one of which was visiting from a distance country. Normally these golfers get a bad rap but I found playing with them very enjoyable and it helps add to my patience level. I played as well as yesterday even though I shot one stroke worse then yesterday. I did lose a ball but one ball in 36 holes is pretty good for me. The day was beautiful with bright sunshine and blue skies. I truly was one with the golf course and my game is improving much faster then I thought. Yes, I am making the very best of each day and loving every moment.

Random Happenings; I Don't Think So!!

I believe strongly that there are no coincidences in my life and yes, I understand that this is an absolute statement but I still believe it to be true. Yesterday was an example of this “no coincidences”. On Tuesday after the great birthday celebration I made tentative plans with a good friend to attend a GA meeting yesterday evening. I firmed up these plans on Wednesday so we were confirmed for the meeting. Yesterday afternoon I received a telephone call that validated the “no coincidences”. I have not attended that particular GA meeting since I was released because it is 40 miles away but I wanted to attend. I did attend and I met with two very wonderful people who are near and dear to my family. Strangely enough the last time I saw one of these wonderful people was at GA meeting as we drove across country almost two years ago. Fast forward almost those two years and here I am sitting in another GA meeting with these two wonderful people.

The GA meeting was very good and this particular meeting is always very good but it was made extra special with these two very wonderful people. They are regular attendees in the GA Program and I was grateful to be at the meeting with them. The critical component of Gamblers Anonymous is people helping people with their compulsive gambling addiction. These wonderful people were there to do just this and the very difficult part was they were trying to help someone near and dear to them. The very unfortunate part was that this person did not want any help whatsoever. The old adage of “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink” does come to mind. I can recite my story to I am blue in the face and if someone does not seek help there is no way I can help them. This was the case last night and my heart goes out to these wonderful people.

I do realize there are many people who are like I was before I came to GA. I was in some serious denial and I had to learn the way I have learned because I tried to do this by myself. Yes, I tried to quit gambling by myself but although I was successful on a temporary basis in the long run I was not at all successful. I had the tall building crash over me before I was willing to accept help and I am eternally grateful for getting this help as my life continues to improve one day at a time. I don’t know what it takes for someone to step into the GA room I only know what it took to get me there. I sure hope others don’t take this route because it doesn’t have to be as drastic as my situation.

These dear friends had a drastic situation on their hands yet the person who is near and dear to them was unwilling to accept help. I wish this person the very best and do hope they seek help. I know firsthand that my life is so much better without gambling then it has ever been with gambling. Gambling to me is pointless because it will lead me to death. Sure this is dire but it is the truth. I cannot gamble like other people and it took me 20 plus years and having handcuffs around my wrists to finally understand.

I am powerless (meaning I have no power!!) over gambling and my life became unmanageable. These two concepts went hand and hand for me; and when I finally admitted this out loud and to another person I felt a little of the burden lessen. Gambling for me was a huge burden and something I did to myself. Thankfully through recovery and most certainly through the GA Program I no longer have this burden since I do not gamble. The choice is clear and I choose not to gamble and have a better way of life.

I don’t know how to get these concepts across to another person who is firmly embedded in denial. I denied for a very long time and it earned me 19 ½ months in prison along with a separation from my wife and children. I am very fortunate that my sentence wasn’t longer and I am more fortunate that my wife and children will return in two months where we can be a family once more. I would like to shout my story from the rooftops in hopes of someone listening and hopefully seeking help. The truth of the matter as was in my case the only person that can help the compulsive gambler is the compulsive gambler. This does not mean I can’t tell my story to others; it only means the compulsive gambler has to take the first step in admitting we are powerless over gambling and our lives are unmanageable.

I wish this person the very best and there was some good things that came out of the meeting last night. The therapy was very powerful and I got to see these two wonderful people. We even had time to sit down (albeit too briefly) and talk at a local Starbucks. There is something at work in my life and I like to refer to this as a Higher Power. Everything does happen for a reason and I am eternally grateful.

I returned home late last night from the meeting and the visit with these two wonderful people. I spent a few minutes speaking with my dear friend and then I went off to sleep. I had my doubts about getting up early to workout since I was a bit tired but when it came time to get up I got up and went to work out. My workout was very good and although my run was much less intense then yesterday’s run I struggled more then yesterday. I do believe this is more psychological then physical because my mind was not as in tune as it was yesterday. I didn’t exactly struggle per se but I got through it nonetheless.

I had a goof off day planned as I went into the office for a few hours where I did some work. Part of my actually; my entire goof off day was centered on playing golf this afternoon. I found an inexpensive (downright cheap!!) rate for a very nice golf course in town and I asked a very good friend to join me. My friend did join me and we had a very enjoyable afternoon playing golf. The last time I played this particular golf course was the day after I was notified by the bank that my bank account had been suspended due to “suspicious activities”. I don’t remember much of that round of golf as my mind was certainly elsewhere. My mind was in full denial mode and I was planning on how I could get out of the “potential” mess. Well the “potential” mess became a realized disaster of epic proportions for me but everything continues to work out for the best.

My round of golf today was the best round I have had since my release and I played very well. The weather was beautiful, the golf course was in great shape and I was with a very dear friend. All in all the day was perfect and it isn’t often; in fact this was the first time I didn’t lose a golf ball on this course which is really saying something as trouble seems to lurk on every hole. It was a great day through and through.

Turn That Calendar!!

The time continues to pass by very quickly as April came to an end last night and May arrived this morning. Ever since I started my sentence almost two years ago I became very excited when the calendar actually turned a page which meant I was that much closer to my release date. Now my release date has come and gone but I am still very happy to see the calendar turn another page as I wait for my family to rejoin me in July. I am still very hopeful I will be given the permission to travel back to them and drive across country as we reunite. (I still have to obtain the permission/authorization in a verifiable form and until this time I remain very hopeful.) Now with the month turning from April to May I am one step closer to being with my family. I still have a few days okay more then a few days before July arrives but one step closer is always a positive.

Yesterday evening was a quiet evening at home with no GA meetings on the schedule. I spent some the evening talking with my good friend and these talks are always great. It appears my “path” is becoming more evident as a few options do exist. I do trust in the “universe” as the right decision will present itself in time. I am not about to rush anything and I love living one day at a time as my perspective is so much better now then it has ever been in my life.

I was able to help out my dear friends last night by house sitting for an hour as they went out on some errands. I was more then happy to help and the children were safely tucked away in their beds sleeping. This was a very easy task and once again the very least I can do for these dear friends. They returned home and I was officially “off duty”. Since I was “off duty” and I was tired I went to sleep. I knew I had to get up early this morning because I had to drive to the Parole office first thing this morning. Of course I wanted to workout prior to going so I had to get up even earlier then usual for me. I did get up earlier and got myself to the gym.

Today was a very intense day for me while running. I am fully immersed in training for the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon in one month from today. I have noticed a difference in my running over the last few weeks and it does appear I am getting stronger. The program called for an intense day and I was mentally prepared for this intensity. I do believe being mentally prepared is 80% of the battle as the physical stuff does follow.

I find if I am not mentally prepared no matter how good a shape I am in the run seems laborious. This was not the case today as I started the run. I was shocked as to how good I was feeling while running very fast (at least for me). The miles suggested by the program were 7 miles but I exceeded that along with exceeding the intensity level. It was one of my best runs in a very long time and I was surprised as to how good I felt the entire run.

I was drenched with sweat very quickly and remained sweating all through the workout. It was good that I had to be somewhere (the Parole office) this morning or else I would have went much longer. The duration was just right as the intensity was very high. I exceeded the required intensity but had to stop in order to stay on schedule. I enjoyed the run tremendously and I am looking forward to the marathon next month. In the past my family and I would make a weekend out of the marathon by staying in San Diego but now that they are in New Jersey and it is just me I don’t need to make it a weekend. I can be in San Diego within an hour so there is no need for me to pay for a hotel room the night before the marathon. It will seem strange not having my family with me but I will appreciate every step of the 26.2 miles with a bright positive attitude.

The workout was over and I was driving to the Parole office. I did meet with my Parole Agent and I guess these are no more then merely a “check-in”. There was some confusion which I have gotten used to or I should say I accept it as part of my role. I am all about following orders but when the orders are subject to change rapidly sometimes it is rather difficult. I certainly don’t mind doing what is required and I believe I even go beyond what is required but there are certain things I can’t do at the “drop of a hat”. It was one of these that I should have known better but hopefully all was well. The meeting was brief and I was on my way within minutes.

I returned back to work for the day and as I wrote yesterday all was calm but today the “winds are swirling”. The storm is coming in and there is nothing I can do about it other then trust that everything will work out for the best. I had a good day at work as we all had a very nice lunch for a co-worker that is going on maternity leave. There are good people who work here and it really is like a close-knit family which makes the situation even worse. I can only do my part and it is up to others to do what is best for the company. I am eternally thankful for this opportunity and I would be naïve to believe everything is going to be great considering the current situation. I do know that no matter what happens everything is going to be great for me because this is the attitude I choose each and everyday.