The last Saturday in 2005 started out so much different than the first Saturday in 2005. Gone are the days of getting up and checking the lines so I could put in my countless bets on whomever team was playing. Thank God these days are gone!! Today was a great day which started out much like all of the Saturdays have started out in the past 10 months with a Gamblers Anonymous Meeting. There were 13 people in attendance my first GA meeting ten months ago and today we had 24 people in attendance. Yes, the Program is growing which is both a blessing and a curse. It is a curse because so many people like myself suffer with the same disease; compulsive gambling. But yet it is a blessing because these people have decided to do something about this disease.
Today ended my Co-Secretary term for the Saturday Morning Meeting and I have been blessed to give some type of service to a wonderful Program. This Program has taught me it is not the end but the beginning of something very beautiful. I fought this disease for 22 years and yes, it has gotten the best of me to this point; however; I have found hope in dealing with my disease through the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I lived in denial for so long and it made me believe I was above many things which I know I am NOT. I am not above anything and my life has become one of purpose and fulfillment. My purpose is to help others with a gambling problem and continue to work the Program and Steps each and every day. Each day I am fulfilled with the wonderment of life. Life is worth living and living a life without gambling makes everything that much more special.
This afternoon I received a telephone call from a fellow member who has 37 years in the Program. He called to say "Happy New Year" and to tell me he was thinking about me, my family and my situation. I have met this person a handful of times and for them to take the time and call me just to say hello meant the world to me. This person also had a dreadful cold but wanted to reach and out and see how I was doing; I am thoroughly blown away with the people I have met in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I thank God each and every day for giving me the wisdom to enter that room ten months ago.
There are so many fabulous people in this world and I am surrounded by so many of them. It amazes me how selfless people are and they really do care. To me this is a fundamental principle of the Program and in fact I will take it a step further and say this is a fundamental principle of life. I have incorporated this principle into my daily inventory. There are some people who relish in the misery of others and I thank God I am NOT surrounded by these types of people. Quite the contrary I am surrounded by caring, compassionate, intelligent and good people who want to help. I am truly blessed in so many ways.
The evening ended with our dear friends coming over to celebrate the New Year. As is always the case we all had a great time. Life to me is not about making gobs of money and putting people down it is about building and maintaining relationships. Without these relationships I am nothing. I am not a husband, father, son, son-in-law or friend but with these relationships I am all of these things and more. I have so much to offer this world and I intend to offer this goodness one day at a time.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Friday, December 30, 2005
World Goes On
No matter what I have done in the past or what I am currently doing there will always be some people who have their mind made up. This is what makes the world go around. People will believe what they want to believe and I can only control my own thinking and not that of anyone else. God has granted me the serenity to accept the things I CANNOT change and this is one of those things. I know who I am and what type of person I am. There are so many people who have stood by me through this horrible time that I know I am not a MONSTER or worse yet a socio-path.
I have always been a good person with a gambling problem that went unchecked. I have finally sought help with my gambling problem and I am becoming an even better person each and every day. It is hard for some people to understand addiction, compulsion or any other disorder because in their eyes once someone is bad that must be bad to the core. Unfortunately or rather fortunately it is not the case in my situation.
I made some bad decisions which is a given and the reason for these bad decisions was my inability to control my gambling addiction period. Yes, I have a history of problems with gambling ever since I was 16 years old and it was all my fault for not seeking any help until 10 months ago. However; there is not a history of criminal behavior in that time.
People want to believe that everything is black and white. I believe the world is full of shades of grey. These shades of grade make certain things in life harder to understand. Because it is hard to understand does not mean it is false in fact in fact with diligent efforts these shades of grey have made me realize many things in myself. One of those things is doing the right thing each and every day. Doing the right thing means working the Program one day at time.
I believe there are people in this world who are very happy with themselves and see things very differently from me. This certainly does not make their beliefs wrong and on the contrary it does not make my beliefs wrong. This is the great thing about this country we don't behead people for having different beliefs in fact we (as a country) should embrace all sides of the equations. I think it was 400 or so years ago people set out for a better way and this better way became the United States of America. I know there are some things I don't believe in but I will never hold a grudge against anyone for holding these beliefs. Like I wrote previously I cannot control other people and I have my hands full controlling myself. This is why I concentrate on myself and the rest will work itself out.
I have always been a good person with a gambling problem that went unchecked. I have finally sought help with my gambling problem and I am becoming an even better person each and every day. It is hard for some people to understand addiction, compulsion or any other disorder because in their eyes once someone is bad that must be bad to the core. Unfortunately or rather fortunately it is not the case in my situation.
I made some bad decisions which is a given and the reason for these bad decisions was my inability to control my gambling addiction period. Yes, I have a history of problems with gambling ever since I was 16 years old and it was all my fault for not seeking any help until 10 months ago. However; there is not a history of criminal behavior in that time.
People want to believe that everything is black and white. I believe the world is full of shades of grey. These shades of grade make certain things in life harder to understand. Because it is hard to understand does not mean it is false in fact in fact with diligent efforts these shades of grey have made me realize many things in myself. One of those things is doing the right thing each and every day. Doing the right thing means working the Program one day at time.
I believe there are people in this world who are very happy with themselves and see things very differently from me. This certainly does not make their beliefs wrong and on the contrary it does not make my beliefs wrong. This is the great thing about this country we don't behead people for having different beliefs in fact we (as a country) should embrace all sides of the equations. I think it was 400 or so years ago people set out for a better way and this better way became the United States of America. I know there are some things I don't believe in but I will never hold a grudge against anyone for holding these beliefs. Like I wrote previously I cannot control other people and I have my hands full controlling myself. This is why I concentrate on myself and the rest will work itself out.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Good Trip
We woke up this morning knowing our visit with our dear friends was drawing to a close. It was a very good visit even though we didn't do much of anything. Sometimes I get more out of doing less as a opposed to more. We spent time with our friends, the children and each other. Life for me is all about relationships and I have some very special relationships with some very special people. The people we visited in Las Vegas have been long time friends of mine and now my wife. Even though circumstances being what they are these spectacular people are there for my family. There are some very good people in this world and I am surrounded by many of these good people.
We took our time this morning preparing to leave and had a leisurely breakfast. Unfortunately my friend had come down with some type of cough over night and he wasn't feeling very well. However, this didn't stop him from giving my wife and me some very encouraging words. These words meant the world to me and his friendship means the world to me and my wife.
I need to take a step back to 1992 when I was in Las Vegas on a business trip. My friends had just bought their house and they were kind enough to allow me to stay there for the week even though they were back East. It was November and I fell in love with the area; no it wasn't the casinos, lights, or action it was the suburban Las Vegas. This was the first time I had experienced the "normal" Las Vegas. The weather was fantastic and I have never seen a sky so blue in all of my life. I thought to myself this is where I wanted to live and raise a family.
I was able to convince my wife over the next year to move out of New Jersey and try Las Vegas. It was a very good run and we had two lovely children born in Las Vegas. A few years later I had an incredible opportunity in Southern California that I couldn't pass up. Yes, I squandered this opportunity due to my compulsive gambling addiction and I do regret those choices I made when I was gambling. I do not regret moving out to Las Vegas and moving to Southern California. I regret not seeking help sooner but I can't change any of that I can only work on today. It is not too late for everyone including me because I now have the tools at my disposal to progress this change one day at a time.
As we said our good-byes and headed back to Southern California I thought to myself how blessed a man I truly am. These blessings come in all shapes and sizes and were right in front of me all of my life. I ignored these blessings for so long but not anymore. Life is so much more fulfilling today than it was over 10 months ago. I no longer take anyone or anything for granted because these things can be taken away in a second and life is too precious to squander. Yes, I was caught up in the "big shot" lifestyle and thinking I could have my cake and eat it to. I was sadly mistaken because without gambling I am living the "big shot" life each and every day with my family.
We took our time this morning preparing to leave and had a leisurely breakfast. Unfortunately my friend had come down with some type of cough over night and he wasn't feeling very well. However, this didn't stop him from giving my wife and me some very encouraging words. These words meant the world to me and his friendship means the world to me and my wife.
I need to take a step back to 1992 when I was in Las Vegas on a business trip. My friends had just bought their house and they were kind enough to allow me to stay there for the week even though they were back East. It was November and I fell in love with the area; no it wasn't the casinos, lights, or action it was the suburban Las Vegas. This was the first time I had experienced the "normal" Las Vegas. The weather was fantastic and I have never seen a sky so blue in all of my life. I thought to myself this is where I wanted to live and raise a family.
I was able to convince my wife over the next year to move out of New Jersey and try Las Vegas. It was a very good run and we had two lovely children born in Las Vegas. A few years later I had an incredible opportunity in Southern California that I couldn't pass up. Yes, I squandered this opportunity due to my compulsive gambling addiction and I do regret those choices I made when I was gambling. I do not regret moving out to Las Vegas and moving to Southern California. I regret not seeking help sooner but I can't change any of that I can only work on today. It is not too late for everyone including me because I now have the tools at my disposal to progress this change one day at a time.
As we said our good-byes and headed back to Southern California I thought to myself how blessed a man I truly am. These blessings come in all shapes and sizes and were right in front of me all of my life. I ignored these blessings for so long but not anymore. Life is so much more fulfilling today than it was over 10 months ago. I no longer take anyone or anything for granted because these things can be taken away in a second and life is too precious to squander. Yes, I was caught up in the "big shot" lifestyle and thinking I could have my cake and eat it to. I was sadly mistaken because without gambling I am living the "big shot" life each and every day with my family.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
"Lellow" Park
When my daughter was two years old she would ask my wife and me if we could take her to the "lellow" park. "Lellow" was my daughter's pronunciation for yellow; it was so very cute. Today I took my daughter and my son to the "lellow" park. This was a favorite of my daughter when we lived in Las Vegas. The last time we were here my son wasn't born yet and my daughter had difficulties getting off and on the jungle gym. Well times have changed and not only did my daughter NOT have any problems with the jungle gym she proceeded to get across the monkey bars which were seven feet off of the ground!!
In spite of the weather the three of us had a great time at the park while mom and our friend went shopping. This was a great bonding moment for my wife and no she didn't shop for herself she helped our friend with his shopping. My friend also showed my wife how things have changed in the four years since we have been gone.
As I played with the children I couldn't help but reflect on the time I spent in Las Vegas. When we moved there in 1994 it was a new start for both my wife and me. We quit our jobs in New Jersey and decided to head out west for a better life. It didn't take long for both of us to land jobs and our dreams of starting a family and owning a home became a reality. However; in the background I had a deep dark secret which I neglected. I neglected it because I thought I could handle my gambling and being in place where gambling is so prevalent was my method of not gambling. Yes, I think I wrote that last statement correct because I worked in the gaming industry I did not want anyone to see my inside a casino. I was successful in staying away from the casinos but when I discovered the internet my world became consumed by sports betting for the third (hopefully final) time.
Las Vegas has some very found memories for me mostly because my children were born there. I remember both of their birth's as if it were yesterday. Now it is almost 8 years since my daughter was born and she is turning into a beautifully intelligent young lady and my son who will turn five in February is an amazing young man. How could I turn their worlds upside down is still beyond me. There was no intention to hurt them or my wife it was an all consuming addiction to sports betting which led me down the destructive path. I now know it doesn't have to be this way if I continue doing the things I have done in the last 10 months. Oh by the way today marks 10 months since my last wager of any kind. I will be successful in arresting this addiction if I continue to follow the Program. My Program consists of many things but the basis is from Gamblers Anonymous; don't gamble for anything and work the Steps. Yes, it has been 10 months that I have not gambled on anything and I continue to work all twelve of the steps.
Even though I had waxed a little nostalgic as we played at the "lellow" park it was a great day. We went back to our friends house, had some pizza and played some games with the children. We capped off the night while watching the first Harry Potter movie on DVD. It was my first time watching any of the Harry Potter movies and I was very impressed. I can't wait to watch the second one. Finally, my wife and I had some great conversations with our friend and like I said yesterday, I am so blessed to have these kinds of friends.
In spite of the weather the three of us had a great time at the park while mom and our friend went shopping. This was a great bonding moment for my wife and no she didn't shop for herself she helped our friend with his shopping. My friend also showed my wife how things have changed in the four years since we have been gone.
As I played with the children I couldn't help but reflect on the time I spent in Las Vegas. When we moved there in 1994 it was a new start for both my wife and me. We quit our jobs in New Jersey and decided to head out west for a better life. It didn't take long for both of us to land jobs and our dreams of starting a family and owning a home became a reality. However; in the background I had a deep dark secret which I neglected. I neglected it because I thought I could handle my gambling and being in place where gambling is so prevalent was my method of not gambling. Yes, I think I wrote that last statement correct because I worked in the gaming industry I did not want anyone to see my inside a casino. I was successful in staying away from the casinos but when I discovered the internet my world became consumed by sports betting for the third (hopefully final) time.
Las Vegas has some very found memories for me mostly because my children were born there. I remember both of their birth's as if it were yesterday. Now it is almost 8 years since my daughter was born and she is turning into a beautifully intelligent young lady and my son who will turn five in February is an amazing young man. How could I turn their worlds upside down is still beyond me. There was no intention to hurt them or my wife it was an all consuming addiction to sports betting which led me down the destructive path. I now know it doesn't have to be this way if I continue doing the things I have done in the last 10 months. Oh by the way today marks 10 months since my last wager of any kind. I will be successful in arresting this addiction if I continue to follow the Program. My Program consists of many things but the basis is from Gamblers Anonymous; don't gamble for anything and work the Steps. Yes, it has been 10 months that I have not gambled on anything and I continue to work all twelve of the steps.
Even though I had waxed a little nostalgic as we played at the "lellow" park it was a great day. We went back to our friends house, had some pizza and played some games with the children. We capped off the night while watching the first Harry Potter movie on DVD. It was my first time watching any of the Harry Potter movies and I was very impressed. I can't wait to watch the second one. Finally, my wife and I had some great conversations with our friend and like I said yesterday, I am so blessed to have these kinds of friends.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Unforeseen
We were preparing to leave so we can visit our friends in Las Vegas when the telephone rang. It was an unforeseen telephone call and the results of the call were unexpected as well. I will not go into to detail because so many things still need to be sorted out but I must say there are some people in my life that are truly magnificent. I am not sure; check that; I am sure I do NOT deserve these people based on the things that I have done yet they still continue to amaze.
How is it that I could do the things that I have done and still have people stand with me every step of the way? These people must see something in myself that I haven't seen but I will make all of them proud (finally). All of the things I am accused of doing were the direct result of my compulsive gambling addiction. Some find this hard to believe and yet there are others who do not find this hard to believe. I cannot go back and erase history I can only move forward with a new found resolve. In this resolve comes positive not negative. The circle of positive energy that surrounds me is enormous and no matter what happens in my future I know things are working out for the best.
We finally left the house about an hour and half late but we were going to take our time anyhow. We drove exactly 15 miles in 12 minutes and the next 60 miles took 2 hours! Normally the trip to our friends house in Las Vegas would take about 4 hours and 15 minutes; it took 6 hours today. No there weren't any accidents just a lot of people on the road. In fact we listened to a traffic report and the traffic reporter said, "no, there are no accidents just excessive holiday traffic". I guess there are a great many people who have off from work this week and all of them were on the same freeway as we were this afternoon!!
Six hours in a car with a four year old boy and a seven year old girl is not the most productive way to spend an afternoon but they did their best. They were doing great then the DVD player decided to stop working which was our only saving grace and this was at the three hour mark. We persevered for the next three hours and needless to say the kids were a little riled up when we got to our friends house.
We were able to have some dinner and go to a place to view Christmas decorations. There were rides for the kids and some very nice decorations. Having spent 8 years living in Las Vegas my wife and I would make an annual trip to this spot every year during the holidays. It has grown up so much since we first starting going there 12 years ago. It was a very nice evening and all of the proceeds went to aid under privileged children.
We chatted with our friends and the kids played so nicely. There are some people who I can count on no matter the circumstance and these two friends we went to visit are two of these people. They are one of the smartest, warmest and compassionate people I have ever met and I am so blessed to call them friends.
How is it that I could do the things that I have done and still have people stand with me every step of the way? These people must see something in myself that I haven't seen but I will make all of them proud (finally). All of the things I am accused of doing were the direct result of my compulsive gambling addiction. Some find this hard to believe and yet there are others who do not find this hard to believe. I cannot go back and erase history I can only move forward with a new found resolve. In this resolve comes positive not negative. The circle of positive energy that surrounds me is enormous and no matter what happens in my future I know things are working out for the best.
We finally left the house about an hour and half late but we were going to take our time anyhow. We drove exactly 15 miles in 12 minutes and the next 60 miles took 2 hours! Normally the trip to our friends house in Las Vegas would take about 4 hours and 15 minutes; it took 6 hours today. No there weren't any accidents just a lot of people on the road. In fact we listened to a traffic report and the traffic reporter said, "no, there are no accidents just excessive holiday traffic". I guess there are a great many people who have off from work this week and all of them were on the same freeway as we were this afternoon!!
Six hours in a car with a four year old boy and a seven year old girl is not the most productive way to spend an afternoon but they did their best. They were doing great then the DVD player decided to stop working which was our only saving grace and this was at the three hour mark. We persevered for the next three hours and needless to say the kids were a little riled up when we got to our friends house.
We were able to have some dinner and go to a place to view Christmas decorations. There were rides for the kids and some very nice decorations. Having spent 8 years living in Las Vegas my wife and I would make an annual trip to this spot every year during the holidays. It has grown up so much since we first starting going there 12 years ago. It was a very nice evening and all of the proceeds went to aid under privileged children.
We chatted with our friends and the kids played so nicely. There are some people who I can count on no matter the circumstance and these two friends we went to visit are two of these people. They are one of the smartest, warmest and compassionate people I have ever met and I am so blessed to call them friends.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Peace on Earth?
Today during lunch I read the "local" section of my newspaper and noticed a rather unsettlingly trend. On the inside 2 pages (pages 2 and 3) of the local section were six stories and five of the six stories had to do with murder and oh by the way the sixth story was about a missing man. All of these stories referenced yesterday which was Christmas Day so much for peace on earth and good will toward all!!
Just about ten months ago I would only read the sports and business section of the newspaper for obvious reason; however; since I started my recovery I discovered other sections in the newspaper. Today was down right depressing reading about so much death and misery. All of this was in my "local" area. The newspaper I read covers a very big area and in this area are some very good sections and some very nice sections. These six stories covered the good and the bad sections but the news was all bad. Is this a trend? Do the holidays bring out the bad or good in people? If you believe everything you read then it was certainly the bad.
Whoever wrote; "no news is good news", was a very wise person. Story after story was about someone being shot or someone having a car accident or someone who has been missing for one week. Is this the kind of world we live in? I believe there is more good in this world then bad but the media likes to focus on the bad. Why do people slow down on the other side of the freeway when there is a bad accident? Are they concerned or do they want to see the horrific car crash? I know when I am driving I tend NOT to look at any accidents for fear of seeing something I shouldn't but I know traffic can back up for miles when an accident occurs on the other side of the road. I think the terms are "rubber neckers" and "lookey loo's".
I don't know where this is all going but reading the newspaper this afternoon certainly did not make me feel any better and I will carefully consider finding something else to read tomorrow. I do know my life is a blessing; I watched my children ride their bicycles today for about 2 hours. I got to watch a movie with my entire family. I read a bedtime story to my son and he fell asleep with his head tucked into my shoulder and his arm across my chest. These are moments which count the most and I have had these moments in the past but chose to ignore them because I thought they would be around for a very long time to come. Nothing in life is guaranteed and I learned this just about ten months ago. Life moves very quickly and certain events may prohibit me from having these moments again this is why I cherish these moments each and every day.
Today I had a conversation with a link to my former life. This person is very near and dear to my heart and they were telling me some things about my former employer. Yes, I regret what I have done to many people and I am still pissed off that I let my addiction rule my choices; this I will have to live with the rest of my life. However; it really breaks my heart to hear of the things that are going on since I left my former employer. Yes, it was my fault what I have done; however; I tried to treat everyone like an adult and with respect. I was busy doing bad things but I seemed to make the time to ensure the work experience for most was somewhat tolerable. It seems those things I had done (the positive ones) have all gone away because people are too busy doing their own things to listen. For all of my flaws and I do have many; I had some good traits like being there for people and I miss that. I know I can't change the things that I have done and I must continue doing the right things in order to have a happy successful life but there is a small part of me that really hates what I have done to so many people.
I am not going into the pity party mode because I know I created this grief for everyone. I need to continue to be honest with myself and part of this honesty is stating how stupid I was to do the things that I have done. I will continue to move forward one day at time and life really has gotten better in these past 10 months. My commitment is to my recovery and my family and I know good things will continue to happen. With these good things I will be able to really be there for people because I know I can make a difference. I have made a difference with myself and will continue to make this difference one day at time.
There will not be any postings for the next two days (until Thursday) because our family is going to visit some long time friends who we haven't seen in a few years. One of these friends is my son's godfather and I have known these two dear people for over 30 years. We will be back on Thursday and I will recap the trip.
Just about ten months ago I would only read the sports and business section of the newspaper for obvious reason; however; since I started my recovery I discovered other sections in the newspaper. Today was down right depressing reading about so much death and misery. All of this was in my "local" area. The newspaper I read covers a very big area and in this area are some very good sections and some very nice sections. These six stories covered the good and the bad sections but the news was all bad. Is this a trend? Do the holidays bring out the bad or good in people? If you believe everything you read then it was certainly the bad.
Whoever wrote; "no news is good news", was a very wise person. Story after story was about someone being shot or someone having a car accident or someone who has been missing for one week. Is this the kind of world we live in? I believe there is more good in this world then bad but the media likes to focus on the bad. Why do people slow down on the other side of the freeway when there is a bad accident? Are they concerned or do they want to see the horrific car crash? I know when I am driving I tend NOT to look at any accidents for fear of seeing something I shouldn't but I know traffic can back up for miles when an accident occurs on the other side of the road. I think the terms are "rubber neckers" and "lookey loo's".
I don't know where this is all going but reading the newspaper this afternoon certainly did not make me feel any better and I will carefully consider finding something else to read tomorrow. I do know my life is a blessing; I watched my children ride their bicycles today for about 2 hours. I got to watch a movie with my entire family. I read a bedtime story to my son and he fell asleep with his head tucked into my shoulder and his arm across my chest. These are moments which count the most and I have had these moments in the past but chose to ignore them because I thought they would be around for a very long time to come. Nothing in life is guaranteed and I learned this just about ten months ago. Life moves very quickly and certain events may prohibit me from having these moments again this is why I cherish these moments each and every day.
Today I had a conversation with a link to my former life. This person is very near and dear to my heart and they were telling me some things about my former employer. Yes, I regret what I have done to many people and I am still pissed off that I let my addiction rule my choices; this I will have to live with the rest of my life. However; it really breaks my heart to hear of the things that are going on since I left my former employer. Yes, it was my fault what I have done; however; I tried to treat everyone like an adult and with respect. I was busy doing bad things but I seemed to make the time to ensure the work experience for most was somewhat tolerable. It seems those things I had done (the positive ones) have all gone away because people are too busy doing their own things to listen. For all of my flaws and I do have many; I had some good traits like being there for people and I miss that. I know I can't change the things that I have done and I must continue doing the right things in order to have a happy successful life but there is a small part of me that really hates what I have done to so many people.
I am not going into the pity party mode because I know I created this grief for everyone. I need to continue to be honest with myself and part of this honesty is stating how stupid I was to do the things that I have done. I will continue to move forward one day at time and life really has gotten better in these past 10 months. My commitment is to my recovery and my family and I know good things will continue to happen. With these good things I will be able to really be there for people because I know I can make a difference. I have made a difference with myself and will continue to make this difference one day at time.
There will not be any postings for the next two days (until Thursday) because our family is going to visit some long time friends who we haven't seen in a few years. One of these friends is my son's godfather and I have known these two dear people for over 30 years. We will be back on Thursday and I will recap the trip.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Merry Christmas!!
I hope everyone who celebrates Christmas had a great day and to all of those that choose to not celebrate Christmas I hope you had fantastic day as well. I would like to wish a very Merry Christmas to my family and friends. Without these wonderful people Christmas wouldn't have any meaning to me instead this Christmas meant the world to me!!
The day started out with my son coming into our room at 7:45 am (not bad) and he followed the instructions my wife and I gave him last night which was; he was not allowed to go downstairs until his sister was awake. He waited very patiently for the next hour and fifteen minutes until his sister woke up then we all headed downstairs to see if Santa had made a stop at our house.
I must back up for a second because I was very surprised to see my seven year old daughter wake up so late on Christmas morning. I was talking to her before we went downstairs and she told me she had trouble sleeping last night because she thought she heard Santa and the reindeer on the roof at 2:00 am. She wanted to come into our bedroom but thought better of it and tried to get back to sleep. I said to my daughter that I was very surprised to see she wasn't awake sooner and she told me she would rather sleep late then open her presents. She said this in such a grown-up way that I truly believed her and it wasn't as if she was knocking Christmas and the presents rather she would choose to sleep in and take her time with the opening the presents. She is so much older than seven years old and by the way the fact that she thought she heard Santa on the roof tells me she still believes in the Big Red Guy!!
We all headed downstairs and the children were very excited to see the presents under the tree. They proceeded to open Santa's gifts in record time and then went onto the family's gifts also in record time. Grandma always treats her grandchildern very well throughout the year and Christmas was certainly NO exception. I believe the children received more gifts from Grandma then they did for S. Clause; thank you Grandma!!!
The big hit this year was a miniature guitar for my daughter which Grandpa could give her hand with if he lived closer. It is an actual acoustic guitar it is just smaller than a regular one. It was very difficult to get the guitar away from my daughter and I must say she was strumming it very nicely. The big hits for my son were a bicycle and something called a "flywheel". My son is learning to ride a bicycle and the bicycle he had broke a few months ago so Santa thought it would be a good idea to get him a bicycle. The "flywheel" is a very inexpensive and simple toy; a rubber tire with a pull string that bounces all around the house; I had a lot of fun with this toy because I loved the bouncing action. It was a great morning!!!
This was the first time in 23 Christmas' that my wife and I did NOT exchange presents. Due to all of the hardship I have caused we decided not to buy one another presents. I know we agreed to this and we both abided by our decision but neither one of us really liked this. I know it is only temporary and life will continue to go on; however; it certainly has given me a new meaning of Christmas. It is not about the most expensive or elaborate gift it is all about having the family together and we were. This is what Christmas means to me and yes, I certainly learned it the hard way but at least I continue to learn each and every day.
This afternoon and evening we went over to another dear friends of ours for dinner. Just like yesterday we had a great time and the food was great as well. It was a small gathering and even though the two sets of friends that we shared Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are relatively new in our life I feel like I have known this people for a very long time. They are both unbelievable people and their support is beyond great. I would like to thank them for a wonderful two days.
Unlike yesterday where my day started out with a Gamblers Anonymous meeting today it ended with a Gamblers Anonymous meeting tonight. I know I have a compulsive personality in most things I do and I suspect GA is no different. I am working on the balance my life has lacked for so long but the GA Program is very important to me because it is the basis of my recovery. Without this Program everything else goes away including the family, friends, career and life. I made a commitment to myself that if I have the opportunity to go to a meeting I will go to a meeting.
We had finished our dinner and dessert and I asked my wife if it would be okay if I went to the meeting. She said yes but she wanted me to ask our friends as well. Our friends did not have any problem with me leaving for an hour to attend the meeting because their support is fantastic. I was able to attend the meeting and even though it was Christmas night we had 10 people in attendance. It truly is an inspirational Program and I know as long as it is a part of my life I will succeed. Compulsive gambling has ruled my life for so long but I am slowly taking back parts of my life and I have the GA Program to thank for this because they have showed me the right way to battle my addiction. It is a treatable disease and I intend to treat my disease one day at a time.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!
The day started out with my son coming into our room at 7:45 am (not bad) and he followed the instructions my wife and I gave him last night which was; he was not allowed to go downstairs until his sister was awake. He waited very patiently for the next hour and fifteen minutes until his sister woke up then we all headed downstairs to see if Santa had made a stop at our house.
I must back up for a second because I was very surprised to see my seven year old daughter wake up so late on Christmas morning. I was talking to her before we went downstairs and she told me she had trouble sleeping last night because she thought she heard Santa and the reindeer on the roof at 2:00 am. She wanted to come into our bedroom but thought better of it and tried to get back to sleep. I said to my daughter that I was very surprised to see she wasn't awake sooner and she told me she would rather sleep late then open her presents. She said this in such a grown-up way that I truly believed her and it wasn't as if she was knocking Christmas and the presents rather she would choose to sleep in and take her time with the opening the presents. She is so much older than seven years old and by the way the fact that she thought she heard Santa on the roof tells me she still believes in the Big Red Guy!!
We all headed downstairs and the children were very excited to see the presents under the tree. They proceeded to open Santa's gifts in record time and then went onto the family's gifts also in record time. Grandma always treats her grandchildern very well throughout the year and Christmas was certainly NO exception. I believe the children received more gifts from Grandma then they did for S. Clause; thank you Grandma!!!
The big hit this year was a miniature guitar for my daughter which Grandpa could give her hand with if he lived closer. It is an actual acoustic guitar it is just smaller than a regular one. It was very difficult to get the guitar away from my daughter and I must say she was strumming it very nicely. The big hits for my son were a bicycle and something called a "flywheel". My son is learning to ride a bicycle and the bicycle he had broke a few months ago so Santa thought it would be a good idea to get him a bicycle. The "flywheel" is a very inexpensive and simple toy; a rubber tire with a pull string that bounces all around the house; I had a lot of fun with this toy because I loved the bouncing action. It was a great morning!!!
This was the first time in 23 Christmas' that my wife and I did NOT exchange presents. Due to all of the hardship I have caused we decided not to buy one another presents. I know we agreed to this and we both abided by our decision but neither one of us really liked this. I know it is only temporary and life will continue to go on; however; it certainly has given me a new meaning of Christmas. It is not about the most expensive or elaborate gift it is all about having the family together and we were. This is what Christmas means to me and yes, I certainly learned it the hard way but at least I continue to learn each and every day.
This afternoon and evening we went over to another dear friends of ours for dinner. Just like yesterday we had a great time and the food was great as well. It was a small gathering and even though the two sets of friends that we shared Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are relatively new in our life I feel like I have known this people for a very long time. They are both unbelievable people and their support is beyond great. I would like to thank them for a wonderful two days.
Unlike yesterday where my day started out with a Gamblers Anonymous meeting today it ended with a Gamblers Anonymous meeting tonight. I know I have a compulsive personality in most things I do and I suspect GA is no different. I am working on the balance my life has lacked for so long but the GA Program is very important to me because it is the basis of my recovery. Without this Program everything else goes away including the family, friends, career and life. I made a commitment to myself that if I have the opportunity to go to a meeting I will go to a meeting.
We had finished our dinner and dessert and I asked my wife if it would be okay if I went to the meeting. She said yes but she wanted me to ask our friends as well. Our friends did not have any problem with me leaving for an hour to attend the meeting because their support is fantastic. I was able to attend the meeting and even though it was Christmas night we had 10 people in attendance. It truly is an inspirational Program and I know as long as it is a part of my life I will succeed. Compulsive gambling has ruled my life for so long but I am slowly taking back parts of my life and I have the GA Program to thank for this because they have showed me the right way to battle my addiction. It is a treatable disease and I intend to treat my disease one day at a time.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Twas the Day Before Christmas
Twas the day before Christmas and it all started out the same way all of my Saturdays have started out in the past nine and half months with the Saturday Morning Gamblers Anonymous Meeting. Being the day before Christmas I did not expect many people to attend; however; much to my surprise we had a full room (notice how I didn't write full "house" bad connotation to compulsive gamblers!!). There were some veterans and some rookies in the room but we all have the same commitment which is to stop gambling. One newer member surprised everyone and hopefully this member will keep coming back because the Program certainly does work if you work the Program.
There was a lot of recovery in that room this morning and I am honored to be a part of it. I have written this before and I will continue to write it; I don't know where I would be had it not been for this Program. This Program has some unbelievable people and their support is beyond phenomenal. I thank each and everyone of them for their commitment to the Program without them and the Program I would have been truly lost.
One of the members gave me an article from yesterday's USA Today where I was quoted. I know my Dad is not going to like this but I did speak with a reporter from USA Today earlier in the week and I gave her the Reader's Digest version of my story (after all it was the USA TODAY) and she printed one line from our 13 minute conversation. For those of you interested in the story which is about young people playing poker you can access it here. Well at least she sort of spelled my name correctly! Seriously, compulsive gambling is a serious matter and for some there are (like myself) dire consequences.
It is good to see the media covering the other side of the online poker craze and the outbreak of poker on college campuses. It really does take one episode such as the student from Lehigh University who robbed a bank to payoff his online poker debts to raise the level of awareness on this particular issue. Unfortunately it takes bad examples to get the notice but at least there is coverage on what can happen if you let gambling take control of your life.
After the meeting I went for a run and it also amazes me that I could run 26 miles three weeks ago and still struggle through a 9 mile workout. My training did not end with the Las Vegas Marathon it is a part of my daily exercise ritual; however; there is a sense of post marathon depression (if you will) since the marathon and my runs in the past three weeks have not been that great. At least I am keeping up with my exercise routine and I can tell when stress creeps back into my life on a very high level (like earlier this week) because my workouts are much tougher.
I will continue doing what I am doing and I will get through this one day at a time. This is my key to getting my life back. I know I have a long road ahead of me but much like the marathon it can only be accomplished one step at a time. However; fighting my compulsive gambling addiction does not have a finish line and it is a daily activity to continue doing the right things. These right things were very good today; I attended a GA meeting, ran, went to Church, had a wonderful evening with family and friends and most importantly DID NOT GAMBLE.
This evening we had the pleasure of spending Christmas Eve with dear friends of ours. It was a great evening; the food was fantastic and most importantly the people were super. Yes, this Christmas Eve is very different from the past Christmas Eves but we are together as a family and this is what matters most. As long as we are together as a family it doesn't matter where we spend Christmas Eve because the spirit of Christmas is family and friends. I had the best of both worlds this evening and I am truly blessed to be in the company of my family and our dear friends.
There was a lot of recovery in that room this morning and I am honored to be a part of it. I have written this before and I will continue to write it; I don't know where I would be had it not been for this Program. This Program has some unbelievable people and their support is beyond phenomenal. I thank each and everyone of them for their commitment to the Program without them and the Program I would have been truly lost.
One of the members gave me an article from yesterday's USA Today where I was quoted. I know my Dad is not going to like this but I did speak with a reporter from USA Today earlier in the week and I gave her the Reader's Digest version of my story (after all it was the USA TODAY) and she printed one line from our 13 minute conversation. For those of you interested in the story which is about young people playing poker you can access it here. Well at least she sort of spelled my name correctly! Seriously, compulsive gambling is a serious matter and for some there are (like myself) dire consequences.
It is good to see the media covering the other side of the online poker craze and the outbreak of poker on college campuses. It really does take one episode such as the student from Lehigh University who robbed a bank to payoff his online poker debts to raise the level of awareness on this particular issue. Unfortunately it takes bad examples to get the notice but at least there is coverage on what can happen if you let gambling take control of your life.
After the meeting I went for a run and it also amazes me that I could run 26 miles three weeks ago and still struggle through a 9 mile workout. My training did not end with the Las Vegas Marathon it is a part of my daily exercise ritual; however; there is a sense of post marathon depression (if you will) since the marathon and my runs in the past three weeks have not been that great. At least I am keeping up with my exercise routine and I can tell when stress creeps back into my life on a very high level (like earlier this week) because my workouts are much tougher.
I will continue doing what I am doing and I will get through this one day at a time. This is my key to getting my life back. I know I have a long road ahead of me but much like the marathon it can only be accomplished one step at a time. However; fighting my compulsive gambling addiction does not have a finish line and it is a daily activity to continue doing the right things. These right things were very good today; I attended a GA meeting, ran, went to Church, had a wonderful evening with family and friends and most importantly DID NOT GAMBLE.
This evening we had the pleasure of spending Christmas Eve with dear friends of ours. It was a great evening; the food was fantastic and most importantly the people were super. Yes, this Christmas Eve is very different from the past Christmas Eves but we are together as a family and this is what matters most. As long as we are together as a family it doesn't matter where we spend Christmas Eve because the spirit of Christmas is family and friends. I had the best of both worlds this evening and I am truly blessed to be in the company of my family and our dear friends.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Your Best
"Try your best and let God take care of the rest". I saw this bumper sticker on a car earlier today and in the past I would have ignored it or made a snide comment to myself about the "Jesus Fish" next to the bumper sticker. However; my life has a new found meaning and I know I can't do certain things by myself this is where I turn it over to God. This doesn't mean I give up quite the contrary this means I continue to try as hard as I can and let God handle the rest.
I am by no means a bible thumper and will never throw God, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Zeus, etc. in anyone's face. These are all personal beliefs and I have no right throwing my personal beliefs onto anyone. I made a choice 14 years ago to not eat meat for health reasons but I don't go around telling everyone they shouldn't eat meat. This is my belief and another one of my beliefs is people should have the right to choose anything they want as long as it is within the law and does not harm my family. I think a great many people get caught up in telling people what they should or should not do. I have always believed if you treat people like adults they will act like adults. This is the case 99% of the time and it is the 1% that sometimes overwhelms the majority.
I made major mistakes with the decisions I made when I was gambling compulsively and I became one of the minority that overwhelmed the majority. In my attempt to educate the general public on problem/compulsive gambling I am by no means stating gambling should be abolished. There are those who believe gambling is the work of the devil and those people have that right to believe whatever they want. This is the great part about this country we can agree to disagree. Hopefully, most people understand gambling can lead to very bad consequences and it is starting to be a trend.
All forms of gambling have exploded in the last five years. Every person with a computer has a casino in their home and office. It cannot be abolished and these forms of gambling will be around for a very long time. I CANNOT gamble like normal people because when I gamble life turns upside down. Thanks to my Higher Power and Gamblers Anonymous I don't have to face this daunting task alone. Life for me is better since I joined Gamblers Anonymous found my Higher Power and stopped gambling (not necessarily in that order but I think you get the point).
People commit crimes for various reasons and these various reasons do not diminish the fact that a crime has been committed. I take full responsibility for my actions but I want people to understand what a compulsive gambling addiction can do to a person if it is left unchecked. If left unchecked it will ALWAYS get worse never better. If help is sought and the person commits to this help it is a very treatable disease. I ignored those warning signs and it seems very late in the "game" for me to finally realize I am a compulsive gambling but it is NEVER too late. There is so much I have to give and I want to keep on learning and living. The only way I can continue to learn and to live is without gambling which is accomplished one day at time.
I started this random thought with trying your best and let God take care of the rest; I will continue to try my best each and every day no matter the circumstances. I owe this to myself and my family because life is filled with limitless possibilities and as long as I continue doing what I am doing I will achieve a life with a positive purpose one day at a time.
I am by no means a bible thumper and will never throw God, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Zeus, etc. in anyone's face. These are all personal beliefs and I have no right throwing my personal beliefs onto anyone. I made a choice 14 years ago to not eat meat for health reasons but I don't go around telling everyone they shouldn't eat meat. This is my belief and another one of my beliefs is people should have the right to choose anything they want as long as it is within the law and does not harm my family. I think a great many people get caught up in telling people what they should or should not do. I have always believed if you treat people like adults they will act like adults. This is the case 99% of the time and it is the 1% that sometimes overwhelms the majority.
I made major mistakes with the decisions I made when I was gambling compulsively and I became one of the minority that overwhelmed the majority. In my attempt to educate the general public on problem/compulsive gambling I am by no means stating gambling should be abolished. There are those who believe gambling is the work of the devil and those people have that right to believe whatever they want. This is the great part about this country we can agree to disagree. Hopefully, most people understand gambling can lead to very bad consequences and it is starting to be a trend.
All forms of gambling have exploded in the last five years. Every person with a computer has a casino in their home and office. It cannot be abolished and these forms of gambling will be around for a very long time. I CANNOT gamble like normal people because when I gamble life turns upside down. Thanks to my Higher Power and Gamblers Anonymous I don't have to face this daunting task alone. Life for me is better since I joined Gamblers Anonymous found my Higher Power and stopped gambling (not necessarily in that order but I think you get the point).
People commit crimes for various reasons and these various reasons do not diminish the fact that a crime has been committed. I take full responsibility for my actions but I want people to understand what a compulsive gambling addiction can do to a person if it is left unchecked. If left unchecked it will ALWAYS get worse never better. If help is sought and the person commits to this help it is a very treatable disease. I ignored those warning signs and it seems very late in the "game" for me to finally realize I am a compulsive gambling but it is NEVER too late. There is so much I have to give and I want to keep on learning and living. The only way I can continue to learn and to live is without gambling which is accomplished one day at time.
I started this random thought with trying your best and let God take care of the rest; I will continue to try my best each and every day no matter the circumstances. I owe this to myself and my family because life is filled with limitless possibilities and as long as I continue doing what I am doing I will achieve a life with a positive purpose one day at a time.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
A Day at a Time
My favorite daily reading comes from the Gamblers Anonymous little blue book; "A Day at a Time". These are a collection of daily reflections which I read every day and send out to the compulsive gambling internet site I belong to. I must say something first some members in Gamblers Anonymous refer to this as One Day at a Time but the title of the book is "A Day at a Time". I think we in the GA Program have ingrained into our head's "One Day at Time" so why isn't this book called that? I don't know and to me they both mean the same things and it is my mantra each and every day.
Enough of the digression (which I am sure no one cares about!!) Each day in this little blue book are questions and I wanted to share today's question; "Do I believe that none come too soon to the GA Program, and that none return to it too late? Do I believe that, with my Higher Power as guide and my fellow GA members cheering me on, no level of elevation seems unattainable?" As is always the case this little blue book hits the mark directly. Yes, there is no doubt I needed GA when I was 18 years old but I did find it 22 years later and this is a good thing. The fellowship is phenomenal; the Program really does work; and my Higher Power is back in my life. All of these things were presented to me nine months and 24 days ago and it took me 22 years to find it but it is NEVER too late.
This morning my alarm clock rang at 4:30 am and I was set to catch an airplane at 7:00 am to Las Vegas for a job interview. The prospective employer did not know my particular situation even though we had an hour and half telephone interview last week. They asked me the standard questions for a Consultant type position and I guess I had answered the questions very well because they wanted to see me in person. I was contacted on Tuesday to come out today and I initially said yes, but the more I thought about it the more unfair it was to the prospective employer. Eventually I would have had to explain my situation and until it is resolved there is no way a company would hire me in any Financial related position even though I would not be directly involved with handling money.
I didn't want the company to waste its time and resources on me when they would be able to find someone with a similar background. When the alarm sounded I looked at the clock and said I cannot go to this interview. I called the lady who had set up the interview at 7:00 am because my appointment was at 10:00 am and told her about my situation. She understood or at least that is what she told me and wished me the best. There were no hard feelings and I felt good about my decision.
Thank God for a good friend because without this good friend I wouldn't be able to do anything in terms of work. He has kept me busy for the past five months and I am forever in his gratitude. I know when this is all said and done there will be things I will be forbidden to do so I need to formulate a plan. I think I have come up with something and it entails going back to school. It is something I have ignored for quite awhile because of my laziness and complacency but not any more. I will take some classes starting next month in psychology and if it takes me the next 10 years I will get my Masters in Psychology.
I have ignored the fact that I am good with people (for the most part) and people (at least they used to!) are comfortable with me. I have immersed myself in my addiction and know compulsive gambling quite well. I by no means are cured and never will be cured from this addiction; it will be a daily endeavor but as long as I continue doing the RIGHT things everything will work out just fine.
I would like to help others and educate others in regards to this addiction. I have done two pieces on my battle with this addiction (one television interview and one radio interview) and if I could get past the second page will write a book about my addiction. The stories need to be told because the awareness of problem gambling is just not there. There are so many people who struggle with this addiction and yes, it has to come from the individual to seek help but if there is awareness of help which is available then I think this is a step in the right direction. I would like to continue my education in regards to my addiction and hopefully along the way help others.
The first thing I need to do is educate all the people who will sit in judgment of me. Yes, my previous actions do speak volumes but on the other hand my current actions do also speak volumes. I will not go down without a fight because I owe (in so many terms!) so many people especially my wife and children and I want to be there for them. If it doesn't work out then so be it but at least I know I tried my hardest.
Enough of the digression (which I am sure no one cares about!!) Each day in this little blue book are questions and I wanted to share today's question; "Do I believe that none come too soon to the GA Program, and that none return to it too late? Do I believe that, with my Higher Power as guide and my fellow GA members cheering me on, no level of elevation seems unattainable?" As is always the case this little blue book hits the mark directly. Yes, there is no doubt I needed GA when I was 18 years old but I did find it 22 years later and this is a good thing. The fellowship is phenomenal; the Program really does work; and my Higher Power is back in my life. All of these things were presented to me nine months and 24 days ago and it took me 22 years to find it but it is NEVER too late.
This morning my alarm clock rang at 4:30 am and I was set to catch an airplane at 7:00 am to Las Vegas for a job interview. The prospective employer did not know my particular situation even though we had an hour and half telephone interview last week. They asked me the standard questions for a Consultant type position and I guess I had answered the questions very well because they wanted to see me in person. I was contacted on Tuesday to come out today and I initially said yes, but the more I thought about it the more unfair it was to the prospective employer. Eventually I would have had to explain my situation and until it is resolved there is no way a company would hire me in any Financial related position even though I would not be directly involved with handling money.
I didn't want the company to waste its time and resources on me when they would be able to find someone with a similar background. When the alarm sounded I looked at the clock and said I cannot go to this interview. I called the lady who had set up the interview at 7:00 am because my appointment was at 10:00 am and told her about my situation. She understood or at least that is what she told me and wished me the best. There were no hard feelings and I felt good about my decision.
Thank God for a good friend because without this good friend I wouldn't be able to do anything in terms of work. He has kept me busy for the past five months and I am forever in his gratitude. I know when this is all said and done there will be things I will be forbidden to do so I need to formulate a plan. I think I have come up with something and it entails going back to school. It is something I have ignored for quite awhile because of my laziness and complacency but not any more. I will take some classes starting next month in psychology and if it takes me the next 10 years I will get my Masters in Psychology.
I have ignored the fact that I am good with people (for the most part) and people (at least they used to!) are comfortable with me. I have immersed myself in my addiction and know compulsive gambling quite well. I by no means are cured and never will be cured from this addiction; it will be a daily endeavor but as long as I continue doing the RIGHT things everything will work out just fine.
I would like to help others and educate others in regards to this addiction. I have done two pieces on my battle with this addiction (one television interview and one radio interview) and if I could get past the second page will write a book about my addiction. The stories need to be told because the awareness of problem gambling is just not there. There are so many people who struggle with this addiction and yes, it has to come from the individual to seek help but if there is awareness of help which is available then I think this is a step in the right direction. I would like to continue my education in regards to my addiction and hopefully along the way help others.
The first thing I need to do is educate all the people who will sit in judgment of me. Yes, my previous actions do speak volumes but on the other hand my current actions do also speak volumes. I will not go down without a fight because I owe (in so many terms!) so many people especially my wife and children and I want to be there for them. If it doesn't work out then so be it but at least I know I tried my hardest.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
It's Wrong No Matter What
Today was certainly a better day than yesterday. I was kept busy with some reports and kept busy researching ways to explain problem gambling to "normal" people. I came across some great websites mostly run by the individual States' Problem Gambling Council. They all spell out the addiction and some go into detail. I was looking for a simple way to explain this addiction and unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view!) there really isn't a simple way to explain compulsive gambling.
I have my own understanding of this addiction because it is something I was probably born with it and it took a whole lot for me to final realize I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. It is a progressive disease and yes, I will quantify it as a disease which is incurable but can be arrested. In my personal battle with compulsive gambling I chose to ignore all of the warning signs such as; I made my first real bet when I was 12 years old. This was warning sign number one; the younger you are when you first start gambling the more likely you are to be a compulsive gambler. I got into trouble when I was 18 years old and my parents made me go to a psychologist and had an individual from Gamblers Anonymous call me to persuade me to join the Program. This was mistake number 2; everything the Gamblers Anonymous member told me was true but he just scared me enough NOT to attend the meetings and join the Program. I stayed away from gambling for the next 5 years.
This doesn't mean I was abstinent in this five years I was gambling recreationally (that is funny because I don't even know what that means!!) I dabbled in gambling during this period but it was nothing like it was prior. However; toward the end of my college career my roommates and I took a day trip to Atlantic City. Long story short my car broke down and I wound up winning $2500 playing blackjack. $2500 to a college student is a whole lot of money but this only set me up for the failures of the years to come. I also worked at a racetrack during this period in college and I took some of that money and wagered at the racetrack and I lost about $500 but I stopped.
I finished college and started working and after one year of working I found the same friend who I got into to trouble with when I was 18 and we started working together. Guess what?? We started betting on sports again. We also would take the occasion trip to Atlantic City but me being so lazy I hated the 2 hour drive back and forth so these trips were few and far between. The best (that is a laugh!!) part about betting on sports is the convenience; at that time all I needed to do was pick up the telephone and place the wager. There was no driving involved and it was instant gratification. Yes, sometimes the games would drag out for four and five hours but there was a thrill about placing the wager; waiting for the game to start and waiting for the final score of the game. It was a three fold rush.
During this period of the next five years I proceeded to lose a great deal; approximately $100,000 which I had absolved (Mistake number 4---mistake number 3 happened when I was bailed out of the first gambling debt by my parents; I lost that money and should have paid it back maybe the pain of the paying it back would have sunk into my crazy mind) in a personal bankruptcy filing and even though I listed the $100,000 on the bankruptcy filing as gambling debts I still never thought of myself as a compulsive gambler.
My wife and I moved to Las Vegas (of all places) because I loved the gaming industry. I got a job in the gaming industry but I soon find out it is just like any other industry and the job bored me out of my mind. I find the internet and I can be completely anonymous and place my wagers over the internet. I can "control" my gambling because on the internet you can only wager the amount of money you have in your account there is no credit but there are credit cards. Soon my perceived control is totally out of control which leads me to where I am today.
No matter how I "explain" what I have done to my family and numerous other people it is dead WRONG. I can only hope to shed light on my difficulty with this disease. It does not lessen, diminish or set aside what I have done; it was wrong. Did I know it was wrong when I was doing? I can't answer this because my mind was so distorted I had a hard time deciphering between what was up or down let alone what is right or wrong. Do I now know what I have done is wrong? ABSOLUTELY. Can I right this wrong? I am trying and will continue to try to right this wrong for my family.
How could I do this to my family? Great question but my mind was inside out when I was doing this which does not make it right it only sheds some light on my state of mind. Was it insanity? Yes, when you do the same things over and over again and expect a different result each time that is insanity. This is what I did each and every time I started to gamble. I would gamble; win, lose, and then chase on three separate occasions. The third time was definitely a charm because it taught me a lesson of the lifetime; I CAN'T GAMBLE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. When I gamble my life goes to hell. I have not made a wager of any kind in nine months and 23 days which is nice but today is all I will ever have and I make a promise to myself each morning and that is I will not gamble today. This is how I get through each and every day.
I will close with some sage advice from a fellow GA member. This member was in a horrible situation but they got through it with serenity. This member said; "If I spend many years in prison so bet it, if I never see my family again so be it, if I never get another job so be it, if I can never buy a house so bet because I cannot control those things but I can control whether or not I gamble today and I chose to not gamble today and become a better person by working the 12 steps". I paraphrased a bit but there is so much outside of my control and I can't dwell on that but there is so much I can control and I will continue to do those things such as working the 12 steps, stay in constant contact with my Higher Power and living each day with a purpose. Life has twisted a bit and will continue to twist but I will be alright as long as I continue doing the right things.
I have my own understanding of this addiction because it is something I was probably born with it and it took a whole lot for me to final realize I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. It is a progressive disease and yes, I will quantify it as a disease which is incurable but can be arrested. In my personal battle with compulsive gambling I chose to ignore all of the warning signs such as; I made my first real bet when I was 12 years old. This was warning sign number one; the younger you are when you first start gambling the more likely you are to be a compulsive gambler. I got into trouble when I was 18 years old and my parents made me go to a psychologist and had an individual from Gamblers Anonymous call me to persuade me to join the Program. This was mistake number 2; everything the Gamblers Anonymous member told me was true but he just scared me enough NOT to attend the meetings and join the Program. I stayed away from gambling for the next 5 years.
This doesn't mean I was abstinent in this five years I was gambling recreationally (that is funny because I don't even know what that means!!) I dabbled in gambling during this period but it was nothing like it was prior. However; toward the end of my college career my roommates and I took a day trip to Atlantic City. Long story short my car broke down and I wound up winning $2500 playing blackjack. $2500 to a college student is a whole lot of money but this only set me up for the failures of the years to come. I also worked at a racetrack during this period in college and I took some of that money and wagered at the racetrack and I lost about $500 but I stopped.
I finished college and started working and after one year of working I found the same friend who I got into to trouble with when I was 18 and we started working together. Guess what?? We started betting on sports again. We also would take the occasion trip to Atlantic City but me being so lazy I hated the 2 hour drive back and forth so these trips were few and far between. The best (that is a laugh!!) part about betting on sports is the convenience; at that time all I needed to do was pick up the telephone and place the wager. There was no driving involved and it was instant gratification. Yes, sometimes the games would drag out for four and five hours but there was a thrill about placing the wager; waiting for the game to start and waiting for the final score of the game. It was a three fold rush.
During this period of the next five years I proceeded to lose a great deal; approximately $100,000 which I had absolved (Mistake number 4---mistake number 3 happened when I was bailed out of the first gambling debt by my parents; I lost that money and should have paid it back maybe the pain of the paying it back would have sunk into my crazy mind) in a personal bankruptcy filing and even though I listed the $100,000 on the bankruptcy filing as gambling debts I still never thought of myself as a compulsive gambler.
My wife and I moved to Las Vegas (of all places) because I loved the gaming industry. I got a job in the gaming industry but I soon find out it is just like any other industry and the job bored me out of my mind. I find the internet and I can be completely anonymous and place my wagers over the internet. I can "control" my gambling because on the internet you can only wager the amount of money you have in your account there is no credit but there are credit cards. Soon my perceived control is totally out of control which leads me to where I am today.
No matter how I "explain" what I have done to my family and numerous other people it is dead WRONG. I can only hope to shed light on my difficulty with this disease. It does not lessen, diminish or set aside what I have done; it was wrong. Did I know it was wrong when I was doing? I can't answer this because my mind was so distorted I had a hard time deciphering between what was up or down let alone what is right or wrong. Do I now know what I have done is wrong? ABSOLUTELY. Can I right this wrong? I am trying and will continue to try to right this wrong for my family.
How could I do this to my family? Great question but my mind was inside out when I was doing this which does not make it right it only sheds some light on my state of mind. Was it insanity? Yes, when you do the same things over and over again and expect a different result each time that is insanity. This is what I did each and every time I started to gamble. I would gamble; win, lose, and then chase on three separate occasions. The third time was definitely a charm because it taught me a lesson of the lifetime; I CAN'T GAMBLE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. When I gamble my life goes to hell. I have not made a wager of any kind in nine months and 23 days which is nice but today is all I will ever have and I make a promise to myself each morning and that is I will not gamble today. This is how I get through each and every day.
I will close with some sage advice from a fellow GA member. This member was in a horrible situation but they got through it with serenity. This member said; "If I spend many years in prison so bet it, if I never see my family again so be it, if I never get another job so be it, if I can never buy a house so bet because I cannot control those things but I can control whether or not I gamble today and I chose to not gamble today and become a better person by working the 12 steps". I paraphrased a bit but there is so much outside of my control and I can't dwell on that but there is so much I can control and I will continue to do those things such as working the 12 steps, stay in constant contact with my Higher Power and living each day with a purpose. Life has twisted a bit and will continue to twist but I will be alright as long as I continue doing the right things.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Reality of it All
Just when I thought life was moving in the right direction something happened to move me back a few paces. Today was my pre-sentencing interview with the Probation Officer and first I must say this is a very difficult job. I can't imagine the type of people this person has to deal with on a daily basis and to render a decision on person's fate based on an hour and half interview and court documents must be extremely difficult.
What I did was dead wrong and I can't change any of the past. I can only explain the why of these transgressions. I tried to explain my lifelong battle with my gambling addiction but I don't think I was able to convey this properly. Yes, I should have gotten help a long time ago but I chose not to and it led me to where I am today. I was given two warning signs in my life but I ignored those warning signs because I thought I was better than everyone else which I am NOT.
Yes, it took losing my job, the prospect of losing my family and the reality of going to prison for a long time to finally seek help with my addiction but in these past nine and half months my life is getting better. As long as I continue what I am doing life will move forward in a positive direction.
The question was asked; "Why didn't you just stop?" This is a great question and I wish I had the answer but my answer is I couldn't. I had to place the next wager; I had to continue the fantasy world when in reality I had all that I will ever need but I still continued to gamble and do bad things. I didn't have some grand plan or scheme these things just happened and I let them happen. None of this lessens what I have done it just tries to explain the "why" of it all. I was asked "why did you gamble?" In Gamblers Anonymous it is NOT important to know why you gambled it is IMPORTANT to NOT gamble but this Probation Officer wanted to know the why. I told him because it was a fantasy world where I could escape and it was like I was 16 years old again when I placed my first sport bet. I didn't have any cares all I cared about was my bets for that particular evening. Yes, I neglected my family by doing all of this but I am a still a good father and intend to be a good father for a very long time. Yes, I neglected my wife and she has every right to NOT to trust me ever again but some how God has given me an angel in my wife because she is right there by my side.
The Probation Officer tried to implicate my wife because how could I have done all of the things in my past when it comes to gambling and still have her trust me; surely she has benefited from my transgressions. I was clever enough to keep this a secret from everyone for a long long time. I am not talking about the bad stuff I am talking about the gambling. I found a safe haven on the internet where I could place all the bets I wanted anonymously there was only one person who knew I was gambling habitually and we would celebrate and commiserate together. Because we could not tell a single person how much we won or lost that particular night because we were both doing it secretively. It was an insane life and yes, as Gamblers Anonymous states compulsive gambling can lead to three things; Prison----I was there for five days and will go back for whatever the courts decide, Insanity---I led an insane life due to the gambling, and Death---I don't want to die because I have so much more to offer to this world in spite of what some people may think.
I don't know how to properly convey this but compulsive gambling is a real addiction. I have come in contact with so many wonderful people who are battling this addiction on a daily basis just like I am. Some have done some bad things but they are NOT bad people. I hate what I have done to my family and myself and I will face the consequences for my actions. I am doing everything in my power to correct my wrongs and I know I am NOT a bad person; I did bad things and I will pay the consequences for these bad things.
I know it is so hard for normal people which is just about everyone to understand addiction and especially understand the compulsive gambling addiction. I was hoping the Al Roker Investigates Program would shed some light on the fact that I am a real person who needed help for so long but chose to ignore it until the world came falling down on me. No one should have to go through this and life without gambling is a wonderful life and I look forward to sharing this wonderful life with my family one step at a time.
With all of that said; I have to thank a few people because without their support, wisdom, knowledge and insight I don't know what would have happened to me today. I thank my wife for being the angel she really is; I thank my children Lauren and Jonathan for being themselves; I thank my sponsor Ken for being my beacon of hope; I thank my friend Phil for his exceptional knowledge and wisdom; I thank my friend Ann for her compassion and depth of knowledge. These people are outstanding human beings and I am privileged to call them my friends.
What I did was dead wrong and I can't change any of the past. I can only explain the why of these transgressions. I tried to explain my lifelong battle with my gambling addiction but I don't think I was able to convey this properly. Yes, I should have gotten help a long time ago but I chose not to and it led me to where I am today. I was given two warning signs in my life but I ignored those warning signs because I thought I was better than everyone else which I am NOT.
Yes, it took losing my job, the prospect of losing my family and the reality of going to prison for a long time to finally seek help with my addiction but in these past nine and half months my life is getting better. As long as I continue what I am doing life will move forward in a positive direction.
The question was asked; "Why didn't you just stop?" This is a great question and I wish I had the answer but my answer is I couldn't. I had to place the next wager; I had to continue the fantasy world when in reality I had all that I will ever need but I still continued to gamble and do bad things. I didn't have some grand plan or scheme these things just happened and I let them happen. None of this lessens what I have done it just tries to explain the "why" of it all. I was asked "why did you gamble?" In Gamblers Anonymous it is NOT important to know why you gambled it is IMPORTANT to NOT gamble but this Probation Officer wanted to know the why. I told him because it was a fantasy world where I could escape and it was like I was 16 years old again when I placed my first sport bet. I didn't have any cares all I cared about was my bets for that particular evening. Yes, I neglected my family by doing all of this but I am a still a good father and intend to be a good father for a very long time. Yes, I neglected my wife and she has every right to NOT to trust me ever again but some how God has given me an angel in my wife because she is right there by my side.
The Probation Officer tried to implicate my wife because how could I have done all of the things in my past when it comes to gambling and still have her trust me; surely she has benefited from my transgressions. I was clever enough to keep this a secret from everyone for a long long time. I am not talking about the bad stuff I am talking about the gambling. I found a safe haven on the internet where I could place all the bets I wanted anonymously there was only one person who knew I was gambling habitually and we would celebrate and commiserate together. Because we could not tell a single person how much we won or lost that particular night because we were both doing it secretively. It was an insane life and yes, as Gamblers Anonymous states compulsive gambling can lead to three things; Prison----I was there for five days and will go back for whatever the courts decide, Insanity---I led an insane life due to the gambling, and Death---I don't want to die because I have so much more to offer to this world in spite of what some people may think.
I don't know how to properly convey this but compulsive gambling is a real addiction. I have come in contact with so many wonderful people who are battling this addiction on a daily basis just like I am. Some have done some bad things but they are NOT bad people. I hate what I have done to my family and myself and I will face the consequences for my actions. I am doing everything in my power to correct my wrongs and I know I am NOT a bad person; I did bad things and I will pay the consequences for these bad things.
I know it is so hard for normal people which is just about everyone to understand addiction and especially understand the compulsive gambling addiction. I was hoping the Al Roker Investigates Program would shed some light on the fact that I am a real person who needed help for so long but chose to ignore it until the world came falling down on me. No one should have to go through this and life without gambling is a wonderful life and I look forward to sharing this wonderful life with my family one step at a time.
With all of that said; I have to thank a few people because without their support, wisdom, knowledge and insight I don't know what would have happened to me today. I thank my wife for being the angel she really is; I thank my children Lauren and Jonathan for being themselves; I thank my sponsor Ken for being my beacon of hope; I thank my friend Phil for his exceptional knowledge and wisdom; I thank my friend Ann for her compassion and depth of knowledge. These people are outstanding human beings and I am privileged to call them my friends.
Monday, December 19, 2005
The "Rush" to Ruin
The "Rush" to Ruin; what a great title and the story of my life. I wish I had thought of this title. A very well respected Los Angeles news caster has chronicled my story with this title. It is airing on KNX 1070 AM in Los Angeles and can be accessed on the internet here. It is a five part series which focuses on compulsive gambling and my story is highlighted as to where compulsive gambling can take someone. I heard the first part this afternoon and thank goodness the radio station did air the Gamblers Anonymous helpline for anyone who may need help. Hopefully, someone will listen to this series and seek help and NOT go down the road I have gone. The second part will air tomorrow at 3:10 pm Pacific Time.
I did a series of telephone interviews with this news reporter who got the idea of doing the segment from flipping through the television. He saw on every other station a poker game of some sort and started to ask questions of compulsive gambling. He was talking to Arnie Wexler world renown treatment specialist for compulsive gamblers and Mr. Wexler referred my name to John North (the news reporter). Mr. North is a well experience radio news caster who has been around the business for the past 40 years and I felt very comfortable speaking with him about my addiction. I am very anxious to hear the rest of the series.
My apologies to all of those who I told to watch the Al Roker Investigates Kids, Cards and Dice Program on Court TV yesterday evening. The program did not air even though I was told it was going to air two more times. I guess the ratings weren't very good so Court TV aired their own programming. I guess it all goes back to money and if the show doesn't generate ratings it won't air because it doesn't sell enough commercials.
Tomorrow is a very big day for me because I meet with the Probation Officer who will help decide my fate. I am extremely anxious and nervous but my attorney has briefed me as to what to expect. I did all of these terrible things to my family, my ex-employer and myself and I will face the consequences for these terrible things. I can only be myself with this gentlemen and I whatever he decides he will decide. Yes, gambling led me down this road but since I have stopped gambling the road has taken a positive direction. I plan on continuing in this positive direction one day a time.
I did a series of telephone interviews with this news reporter who got the idea of doing the segment from flipping through the television. He saw on every other station a poker game of some sort and started to ask questions of compulsive gambling. He was talking to Arnie Wexler world renown treatment specialist for compulsive gamblers and Mr. Wexler referred my name to John North (the news reporter). Mr. North is a well experience radio news caster who has been around the business for the past 40 years and I felt very comfortable speaking with him about my addiction. I am very anxious to hear the rest of the series.
My apologies to all of those who I told to watch the Al Roker Investigates Kids, Cards and Dice Program on Court TV yesterday evening. The program did not air even though I was told it was going to air two more times. I guess the ratings weren't very good so Court TV aired their own programming. I guess it all goes back to money and if the show doesn't generate ratings it won't air because it doesn't sell enough commercials.
Tomorrow is a very big day for me because I meet with the Probation Officer who will help decide my fate. I am extremely anxious and nervous but my attorney has briefed me as to what to expect. I did all of these terrible things to my family, my ex-employer and myself and I will face the consequences for these terrible things. I can only be myself with this gentlemen and I whatever he decides he will decide. Yes, gambling led me down this road but since I have stopped gambling the road has taken a positive direction. I plan on continuing in this positive direction one day a time.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Happy Birthday!!!
Today was my lovely wife's birthday. Where would I be without this woman? I don't like to think of the alternative but the truth of the matter is I would be LOST. She is an amazing woman to say the least. We have known each other for 23 years; we have two fantastic children and share a remarkable love for one another. I took so much for granted over the past few years and I am fortunate to have this lovely woman stand by my side through all of the crap I have put her and the children through. I love this woman more than anything in the world.
I made my wife French Toast for breakfast; cleaned the dishes and wished her a good afternoon as she and her friend went to lunch and a movie. While my wife was out this afternoon I took the children to the grocery store so we could get the ingredients for her birthday cake and birthday dinner. I made my wife her favorite cake (Angel Food) and her favorite dinner (shrimp scampi). No, I am not that well versed at baking so I opted for the Angel Food cake mix but I did have to use the mixer!!!
I am not one for desserts but I wanted to make my wife happy. I know this year has been tough (to say the least) and who knows how next year is going to turn out but my wife deserved a day to herself. She didn't have to lift a finger all day because I did all of the cooking and cleaning. Not a big deal but I hope it made her happy.
I baked the Angel Food Cake to what I thought was perfection; however; I didn't let it cool long enough before removing it from the cake tin. The Angel Food Cake kind of dropped a few inches and instead of having a rich looking cake it was a drooping looking cake. Even though I got a little upset when my wife saw the cake and made a slight face and asked if it was cooked enough, I somewhat recovered my composure and started on the shrimp scampi.
I guess there are some dishes that appear very complicated to prepare; shrimp scampi is not one of them!! It is very easy and took very little time. Heat some olive oil, add some garlic, saute, add some white wine, add the shrimp and add some butter and you have a shrimp scampi dinner. Also boil water for the angel hair pasta and serve the shrimp scampi over the angel hair pasta. Fifteen minutes and she had a very nice dinner. She did enjoy it even though I kept telling her she didn't like it!!! She did comment at the end of the meal that it was very good. I am sure it wasn't as good as her mother's shrimp scampi but I think the meal satisfied her a little bit.
After dinner my wife and children gathered around the angel food cake as we sang happy birthday. She blew out the candles and she and my son had a piece of cake. Despite its appearance she did eat her entire slice as did my son. All in all I think it was a very successful day.
One last point; as my wife was asking me about the preparation of the Angel Food Cake she did comment that I made this cake for her two years ago. It looks like there is another thing I could not remember in my memory bank. I wonder how many more surprises I will get in the coming months?? I guess all of the lying, deceiving and deceit does take its toll on the memory bank because I thought I could remember most things but in truth I was very selective with my memory. I don't have to do this anymore because the lying, deceiving, cheating, and deceit are a thing of the past. I only have to remember the truth and the truth is very easy to remember because it is the only thing on my mind.
I made my wife French Toast for breakfast; cleaned the dishes and wished her a good afternoon as she and her friend went to lunch and a movie. While my wife was out this afternoon I took the children to the grocery store so we could get the ingredients for her birthday cake and birthday dinner. I made my wife her favorite cake (Angel Food) and her favorite dinner (shrimp scampi). No, I am not that well versed at baking so I opted for the Angel Food cake mix but I did have to use the mixer!!!
I am not one for desserts but I wanted to make my wife happy. I know this year has been tough (to say the least) and who knows how next year is going to turn out but my wife deserved a day to herself. She didn't have to lift a finger all day because I did all of the cooking and cleaning. Not a big deal but I hope it made her happy.
I baked the Angel Food Cake to what I thought was perfection; however; I didn't let it cool long enough before removing it from the cake tin. The Angel Food Cake kind of dropped a few inches and instead of having a rich looking cake it was a drooping looking cake. Even though I got a little upset when my wife saw the cake and made a slight face and asked if it was cooked enough, I somewhat recovered my composure and started on the shrimp scampi.
I guess there are some dishes that appear very complicated to prepare; shrimp scampi is not one of them!! It is very easy and took very little time. Heat some olive oil, add some garlic, saute, add some white wine, add the shrimp and add some butter and you have a shrimp scampi dinner. Also boil water for the angel hair pasta and serve the shrimp scampi over the angel hair pasta. Fifteen minutes and she had a very nice dinner. She did enjoy it even though I kept telling her she didn't like it!!! She did comment at the end of the meal that it was very good. I am sure it wasn't as good as her mother's shrimp scampi but I think the meal satisfied her a little bit.
After dinner my wife and children gathered around the angel food cake as we sang happy birthday. She blew out the candles and she and my son had a piece of cake. Despite its appearance she did eat her entire slice as did my son. All in all I think it was a very successful day.
One last point; as my wife was asking me about the preparation of the Angel Food Cake she did comment that I made this cake for her two years ago. It looks like there is another thing I could not remember in my memory bank. I wonder how many more surprises I will get in the coming months?? I guess all of the lying, deceiving and deceit does take its toll on the memory bank because I thought I could remember most things but in truth I was very selective with my memory. I don't have to do this anymore because the lying, deceiving, cheating, and deceit are a thing of the past. I only have to remember the truth and the truth is very easy to remember because it is the only thing on my mind.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Christmas Party
Tonight my wife and I held our annual Christmas Party like we have done for the past 5 years. (I must put a disclaimer because it really is my wife who hosts the Christmas Party and I do what she tells me to do!!) We had a great time and although only one couple (very dear friends) showed up we had a wonderful time. My wife was uncertain whether or not to have this party due to circumstances created by me but she went ahead and invited a few couples over for a Christmas Party. We received a few telephone calls this evening informing us that two couples were unable to make the party and this made my wife very upset. I don't believe it was intentional that these two couples had to cancel at the last minute. Things had come up that were out their control and they had the decency to call and cancel.
I know my wife was very disappointed because we have had this small Christmas Party for the past five years and the most couples we have had was five. We never had a big party just our close and personal friends. This year turned out unlike any other year but even though we had only one couple show up we all had a great time anyway. We had some nice hors de vours, played some games and had great conversation. We don't need ice sculptures to have a good time. We only need good friends and it doesn't matter how many people attend. We are capable of having a good time no matter what the circumstances.
The couple who attended are fantastic people and I am so very happy to have gotten to know them this past year. This was the first time for them at our Christmas Party and we had a blast. It is so nice to laugh, listen and enjoy an evening. These are good people and I am blessed to be part of their lives. What started out as a potential disaster actually ended up being a magnificent evening. I thank them for everything they have done for my family and for sharing this evening.
On a more somber note; I met with my attorney the other day and we were going over some case matters when he told me about a recent client of his. This client is an eighteen year old High School Senior who got into trouble stealing things out of people's cars that were parked in the High School parking lot. The reason why this eighteen year old stole from these cars was to finance his on-line poker addiction. It was just as I suspected; that second year student from Lehigh University in Pennsylvania is NOT the only young person to get into trouble due to their on-line gambling addiction. I would imagine this is happening more and more all across the United States.
Yes, gambling for most people can be harmless but there are others (like myself) where gambling can be very harmful. I am not sure how to convey this addiction to the NORMAL people out there; the question inevitably comes why can't you just stop gambling? I wish I could answer that question because for so many years I could not stop because I thought I could CONTROL myself. The fact of the matter is I could NOT control myself and it lead to making very bad decisions. Is there anything I can do to warn other people about this addiction? Again, I don't know but if there is ONE person who takes the time to HONESTLY look at their gambling and get help I know I have made a difference. I am not looking to save the world or abolish gambling but I am going to tell my story to anyone who would listen.
The things I have gone through and others who share this compulsive gambling addiction have gone through should not be experienced by anyone. Life is meant to be lived in honesty and with a purpose not with deceit and lies. By removing gambling from my daily life my life has become so much better and I have become a better person. I pray to God each and every day to have the strength to get through the day without placing a wager and at the end of the day I thank God for giving me that strength to NOT place that wager. Tomorrow I will do the same thing all over again.
I know my wife was very disappointed because we have had this small Christmas Party for the past five years and the most couples we have had was five. We never had a big party just our close and personal friends. This year turned out unlike any other year but even though we had only one couple show up we all had a great time anyway. We had some nice hors de vours, played some games and had great conversation. We don't need ice sculptures to have a good time. We only need good friends and it doesn't matter how many people attend. We are capable of having a good time no matter what the circumstances.
The couple who attended are fantastic people and I am so very happy to have gotten to know them this past year. This was the first time for them at our Christmas Party and we had a blast. It is so nice to laugh, listen and enjoy an evening. These are good people and I am blessed to be part of their lives. What started out as a potential disaster actually ended up being a magnificent evening. I thank them for everything they have done for my family and for sharing this evening.
On a more somber note; I met with my attorney the other day and we were going over some case matters when he told me about a recent client of his. This client is an eighteen year old High School Senior who got into trouble stealing things out of people's cars that were parked in the High School parking lot. The reason why this eighteen year old stole from these cars was to finance his on-line poker addiction. It was just as I suspected; that second year student from Lehigh University in Pennsylvania is NOT the only young person to get into trouble due to their on-line gambling addiction. I would imagine this is happening more and more all across the United States.
Yes, gambling for most people can be harmless but there are others (like myself) where gambling can be very harmful. I am not sure how to convey this addiction to the NORMAL people out there; the question inevitably comes why can't you just stop gambling? I wish I could answer that question because for so many years I could not stop because I thought I could CONTROL myself. The fact of the matter is I could NOT control myself and it lead to making very bad decisions. Is there anything I can do to warn other people about this addiction? Again, I don't know but if there is ONE person who takes the time to HONESTLY look at their gambling and get help I know I have made a difference. I am not looking to save the world or abolish gambling but I am going to tell my story to anyone who would listen.
The things I have gone through and others who share this compulsive gambling addiction have gone through should not be experienced by anyone. Life is meant to be lived in honesty and with a purpose not with deceit and lies. By removing gambling from my daily life my life has become so much better and I have become a better person. I pray to God each and every day to have the strength to get through the day without placing a wager and at the end of the day I thank God for giving me that strength to NOT place that wager. Tomorrow I will do the same thing all over again.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Part II of the Holiday Plays
This morning I attended my daughter's second grade class reading of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". It was a very cute production with the little boy who was covered in green face paint who read the Grinch's part to the little girl who her voice a few octives to read the part of Cindy Lou. My daughter did a great job reading her part and this is the first time in three Christmas plays we were able to hear her!! In the two previous plays she barely broke a whisper but not today she was loud and enunciated her words very well. She was very cute in her little paper reindeer hat complete with antlers. The children did a great job and the reading was over in 20 minutes.
It is times like these I completely understand how good my life is. I have a fantastic family and I am surrounded by people who care. Yes, I took all of this for granted for so many years but not anymore. I received a remarkable letter from my daughter's first grade teacher whom I have written about before but she is just an outstanding person. She was able to view the Al Roker Investigates show and gave me some very positive feedback. One comment she shared with me really hit home; she said, "I can't wait to see what God has in store for you". I know God has a plan for me and I will be able to accomplish his plan as long as I continue doing the things I am doing which is living life with a purpose and living one day at time.
I had a discussion with some people who are near and dear to me and we were talking about obsessive compulsive disorders. I know I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and I know I can be obsessive about certain things but I never thought of myself as OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is defined as; A personality disorder characterized by a pervasive preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and interpersonal control, beginning by early adulthood at latest.
If anyone saw my previous office they would know I was NOT obsessed with orderliness because it was rarely neat. I think it wasn't orderly because I was lazy but that is a side point. I am not obsessed with perfection or control so I don't think I fit this definition of OCD. This is not to say I don't have obsessive and compulsive tendencies because I certainly do. I am obsessive about my overall health which means I am compulsive about my eating habits and my exercise routine. I certainly need work to become more balanced and I look forward to getting treatment by a professional in this area. I don't really know maybe I am OCD and I think it is a good idea to continue on my improvement as to not repeat the horrible mistakes about the past.
Lastly, I need to make a formal CORRECTION; last week I referred to the National Council for Responsible Gaming Conference on Addiction and Gambling and it should have been the National CENTER for Responsible Gaming Conference on Addiction and Gambling. I apologize for my mistake. This was pointed out to me by the Communications Specialist for the American Gaming Association. The American Gaming Association is a who's who in the Gaming Industry and I am flattered someone from this organization took the time to read this blog. To read more about the American Gaming Association please click here.
It is times like these I completely understand how good my life is. I have a fantastic family and I am surrounded by people who care. Yes, I took all of this for granted for so many years but not anymore. I received a remarkable letter from my daughter's first grade teacher whom I have written about before but she is just an outstanding person. She was able to view the Al Roker Investigates show and gave me some very positive feedback. One comment she shared with me really hit home; she said, "I can't wait to see what God has in store for you". I know God has a plan for me and I will be able to accomplish his plan as long as I continue doing the things I am doing which is living life with a purpose and living one day at time.
I had a discussion with some people who are near and dear to me and we were talking about obsessive compulsive disorders. I know I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and I know I can be obsessive about certain things but I never thought of myself as OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is defined as; A personality disorder characterized by a pervasive preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and interpersonal control, beginning by early adulthood at latest.
If anyone saw my previous office they would know I was NOT obsessed with orderliness because it was rarely neat. I think it wasn't orderly because I was lazy but that is a side point. I am not obsessed with perfection or control so I don't think I fit this definition of OCD. This is not to say I don't have obsessive and compulsive tendencies because I certainly do. I am obsessive about my overall health which means I am compulsive about my eating habits and my exercise routine. I certainly need work to become more balanced and I look forward to getting treatment by a professional in this area. I don't really know maybe I am OCD and I think it is a good idea to continue on my improvement as to not repeat the horrible mistakes about the past.
Lastly, I need to make a formal CORRECTION; last week I referred to the National Council for Responsible Gaming Conference on Addiction and Gambling and it should have been the National CENTER for Responsible Gaming Conference on Addiction and Gambling. I apologize for my mistake. This was pointed out to me by the Communications Specialist for the American Gaming Association. The American Gaming Association is a who's who in the Gaming Industry and I am flattered someone from this organization took the time to read this blog. To read more about the American Gaming Association please click here.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Pre-School Holiday Play
Last night was my son's Holiday Play at his pre-school. Yes, it truly was a "holiday" play because the students celebrated holidays from all over the world. They sang Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza and other songs from across the world. The main sketch was "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" and my son got to play Santa Claus. It is was so very cute seeing my four year old son in a "paper" beard picking out his reindeer for the Christmas Eve ride. The children did a great job and I got to take part in the play as the narrator. I truly enjoyed this time and my son's teachers should be complimented because they did a wonderful job with the Holiday Play.
My son has been running a fever for the past two days and we kept him home from school on Tuesday because we wanted him to be well for his Santa Claus debut. He had a fever of 102 degrees and we gave him some Motrin and within a few minutes he was backed to himself and bouncing off the walls. However; after a few hours the fever returned and we gave him some more Motrin which quickly broke the fever. I found this fascinating because he responded so well to the Motrin but my wife and I knew something was not quite right. He had a mild fever this morning and he was telling us about how his right ear hurt him. My wife made an appointment with the pediatrician this afternoon. I was able to take him to the pediatrician's office and within 30 seconds she diagnosed him with a severe ear infection. She said it was the worst ear infection she has seen this year.
What amazes me is my son never really complained about anything. He wasn't eating which was an event in and of itself because he always eats but other than the fever he seemed to be okay. I know if that were me and the pediatrician had said this as well; we both would have been laid up in bed for days and we would have complained the whole time. Children are so remarkable and resilient. The doctor prescribed an anti-biotic and said he should be fine in a few days and if he is not we should call her. We will have to monitor my son closely because I am not sure if I will know if he is better because to me he seemed fine after his first dosage of the medication.
Tomorrow morning is my daughter's Holiday Play "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas". She is playing one of the reindeer. A member in Gamblers Anonymous gave this book to my daughter on Sunday and I read it to her a few days ago. As I read the book she was reciting each line and who in her class had that particular line. I think she forgot only one line and who had had that particular passage. She has 19 other students in her class and she remembered all of their lines. This to me is remarkable. Also as I read the story I actually got a little choked up when I got to the end where all of the Who's in Whoville were singing even though they didn't get any presents underneath the Christmas Tree. I may have read this story 100 times before and seen the cartoon and the movie but I never took the time to fully understand its meaning. Yes, it certainly has more meaning to me this year as opposed to any other year but as long as I have my family I don't care about any presents. The present for me is to be in the presence of my family on Christmas Day and for many years to come.
The perspective I have on life this Holiday season is so much different than in the past. In fact my wife and I were talking about how I went to my daughter's school last year at this time and helped them build gingerbread houses. I honestly had no recollection of doing this last year. My wife even showed me a picture of the three of us and the finished gingerbread house but I still couldn't remember being there. That is what compulsive gambling did to me; I was physically present but not mentally present. I was concerned with so many "things" last year at this time I couldn't even appreciate the fact I was helping my daughter and her first grade class with their gingerbread houses.
To me life is all about family and I lost this fact for the last few years. My eyes have been opened nine and half months ago and not only am I physically present I am mentally present. I intend to maintain this presence one day at time and cherish each moment as it comes.
My son has been running a fever for the past two days and we kept him home from school on Tuesday because we wanted him to be well for his Santa Claus debut. He had a fever of 102 degrees and we gave him some Motrin and within a few minutes he was backed to himself and bouncing off the walls. However; after a few hours the fever returned and we gave him some more Motrin which quickly broke the fever. I found this fascinating because he responded so well to the Motrin but my wife and I knew something was not quite right. He had a mild fever this morning and he was telling us about how his right ear hurt him. My wife made an appointment with the pediatrician this afternoon. I was able to take him to the pediatrician's office and within 30 seconds she diagnosed him with a severe ear infection. She said it was the worst ear infection she has seen this year.
What amazes me is my son never really complained about anything. He wasn't eating which was an event in and of itself because he always eats but other than the fever he seemed to be okay. I know if that were me and the pediatrician had said this as well; we both would have been laid up in bed for days and we would have complained the whole time. Children are so remarkable and resilient. The doctor prescribed an anti-biotic and said he should be fine in a few days and if he is not we should call her. We will have to monitor my son closely because I am not sure if I will know if he is better because to me he seemed fine after his first dosage of the medication.
Tomorrow morning is my daughter's Holiday Play "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas". She is playing one of the reindeer. A member in Gamblers Anonymous gave this book to my daughter on Sunday and I read it to her a few days ago. As I read the book she was reciting each line and who in her class had that particular line. I think she forgot only one line and who had had that particular passage. She has 19 other students in her class and she remembered all of their lines. This to me is remarkable. Also as I read the story I actually got a little choked up when I got to the end where all of the Who's in Whoville were singing even though they didn't get any presents underneath the Christmas Tree. I may have read this story 100 times before and seen the cartoon and the movie but I never took the time to fully understand its meaning. Yes, it certainly has more meaning to me this year as opposed to any other year but as long as I have my family I don't care about any presents. The present for me is to be in the presence of my family on Christmas Day and for many years to come.
The perspective I have on life this Holiday season is so much different than in the past. In fact my wife and I were talking about how I went to my daughter's school last year at this time and helped them build gingerbread houses. I honestly had no recollection of doing this last year. My wife even showed me a picture of the three of us and the finished gingerbread house but I still couldn't remember being there. That is what compulsive gambling did to me; I was physically present but not mentally present. I was concerned with so many "things" last year at this time I couldn't even appreciate the fact I was helping my daughter and her first grade class with their gingerbread houses.
To me life is all about family and I lost this fact for the last few years. My eyes have been opened nine and half months ago and not only am I physically present I am mentally present. I intend to maintain this presence one day at time and cherish each moment as it comes.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Is this the Story?
I was going to wait and post the blog this evening after attending my son's Holiday play. He is playing Santa Claus and gets to sing three Christmas (is it okay to say that word??) caroles. I am also helping with the narration of the play. It should be a great time and I will recap it all tomorrow.
This morning as I was getting into the shower my wife had on the Today Show on NBC. They were teasing a story about a student from Lehigh University who had robbed a local bank. All the while as they were leading up to this story I had in the back of my mind that this person committed this crime due to their compulsive gambling addiction to Poker. Unfortunately I was correct and this fine young nineteen year old college student who is the Class President had committed this crime to pay off his gambling debts. Last Friday he went into a local bank and handed the teller a note saying he had a gun and to turn over all her money. The teller complied and later that evening this young man was arrested at his fraternity house.
On all accounts this young man had everything going for him except for his dirty little secret; he loved Poker and wanted to stay in action. "The compulsive gambler will do anything often of an ANTI-SOCIAL behavior to continue to gamble". Yes, robbing a bank would be considered an anti-social behavior.
I will post links to this story and one compelling report comes from Lehigh University's school newspaper. Apparently Poker is rampant at this University and I would suspect that this isn't isolated to this particular university. The University's leading psychologist's has not seen many students come in for treatment of a potential gambling problem. I don't know about you but if there is one person like this student who committed this crime there are many others.
I have some theories as to why students or rather people don't seek help for their gambling problem. If they are anything like me they live in denial. I didn't have a gambling problem when I was 18 years old and lost 13 grand to a bookie; I certainly didn't have a gambling problem when I was $100,000 in debt at the age of 28 and had to declare personal bankruptcy and I certainly didn't have a gambling problem when I decided to embezzle from my employer.
The facts are I did have a gambling problem and will always have a gambling problem and now I am finally doing something about this. People don't seek treatment for their gambling problem until they hit rock bottom. For me rock bottom was losing my job, career, family and facing prison. It doesn't have to be this way but for young adults who think they are invincible it is doubly tough for them to seek treatment. This is why I think this student who robbed the bank was crying out for help. He seems like a very intelligent kid who had the world going for him so why would he in broad daylight rob a bank? The answer is simple he needed money to continue to gamble and this is how he thought he would get his money. Also; deep down he knew he would get caught and hopefully he gets some type of counseling to help with his lifelong addiction.
Yes, people are gambling younger and younger these days and I certainly have my hands full with my own recovery. However; it pains me to see these problems do to gambling. Yes, people will continue to commit crimes to feed their gambling habits and there is not one thing I can do to stop them. I can only control myself and today I have not gambled and it has been nine months and sixteen days since my last bet. Life does get better when the madness stops but it breaks my heart to see good people do bad things. This young gentleman in Pennsylvania has a very long road ahead of him and I pray to God he gets help with his gambling addiction. The disease of gambling knows no friends and can strike anyone this is why the press has run with this story. He is a good kid from a good family who made a HORRIBLE decision. How many more of these stories are out there? Maybe they are not class presidents or sons of ministers but they have the same addiction. Hopefully, this young man will make something positive out of his horrendous situation. As long as he abstains from gambling life will get better.
Here is a link to more on this story. yes, it is from MTV's website and I did find the article well written. Maybe others will learn from this young man. Life doesn't have to be about winning the next big pot in a Poker game and some people will realize this and some will not.
This morning as I was getting into the shower my wife had on the Today Show on NBC. They were teasing a story about a student from Lehigh University who had robbed a local bank. All the while as they were leading up to this story I had in the back of my mind that this person committed this crime due to their compulsive gambling addiction to Poker. Unfortunately I was correct and this fine young nineteen year old college student who is the Class President had committed this crime to pay off his gambling debts. Last Friday he went into a local bank and handed the teller a note saying he had a gun and to turn over all her money. The teller complied and later that evening this young man was arrested at his fraternity house.
On all accounts this young man had everything going for him except for his dirty little secret; he loved Poker and wanted to stay in action. "The compulsive gambler will do anything often of an ANTI-SOCIAL behavior to continue to gamble". Yes, robbing a bank would be considered an anti-social behavior.
I will post links to this story and one compelling report comes from Lehigh University's school newspaper. Apparently Poker is rampant at this University and I would suspect that this isn't isolated to this particular university. The University's leading psychologist's has not seen many students come in for treatment of a potential gambling problem. I don't know about you but if there is one person like this student who committed this crime there are many others.
I have some theories as to why students or rather people don't seek help for their gambling problem. If they are anything like me they live in denial. I didn't have a gambling problem when I was 18 years old and lost 13 grand to a bookie; I certainly didn't have a gambling problem when I was $100,000 in debt at the age of 28 and had to declare personal bankruptcy and I certainly didn't have a gambling problem when I decided to embezzle from my employer.
The facts are I did have a gambling problem and will always have a gambling problem and now I am finally doing something about this. People don't seek treatment for their gambling problem until they hit rock bottom. For me rock bottom was losing my job, career, family and facing prison. It doesn't have to be this way but for young adults who think they are invincible it is doubly tough for them to seek treatment. This is why I think this student who robbed the bank was crying out for help. He seems like a very intelligent kid who had the world going for him so why would he in broad daylight rob a bank? The answer is simple he needed money to continue to gamble and this is how he thought he would get his money. Also; deep down he knew he would get caught and hopefully he gets some type of counseling to help with his lifelong addiction.
Yes, people are gambling younger and younger these days and I certainly have my hands full with my own recovery. However; it pains me to see these problems do to gambling. Yes, people will continue to commit crimes to feed their gambling habits and there is not one thing I can do to stop them. I can only control myself and today I have not gambled and it has been nine months and sixteen days since my last bet. Life does get better when the madness stops but it breaks my heart to see good people do bad things. This young gentleman in Pennsylvania has a very long road ahead of him and I pray to God he gets help with his gambling addiction. The disease of gambling knows no friends and can strike anyone this is why the press has run with this story. He is a good kid from a good family who made a HORRIBLE decision. How many more of these stories are out there? Maybe they are not class presidents or sons of ministers but they have the same addiction. Hopefully, this young man will make something positive out of his horrendous situation. As long as he abstains from gambling life will get better.
Here is a link to more on this story. yes, it is from MTV's website and I did find the article well written. Maybe others will learn from this young man. Life doesn't have to be about winning the next big pot in a Poker game and some people will realize this and some will not.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Integrity
I knew yesterday's post regarding Mr. Pete Rose would upset his number one fan (my mother!) but I had to say those things about Mr. Rose. He really isn't a very nice person like some people may say about me. He (like me) did some very stupid things because he is a compulsive gambler. If he only came out and said I did bet on baseball and I am a compulsive gambler things would have been different. Would he had gotten into the baseball hall of fame? Probably not because baseball has to protect the integrity of the game and gambling unlike any other vice undermines the integrity of the game. Baseball can have players on steroids, amphetamines, and any other illicit drug and this is okay but when it comes to gambling on baseball by baseball players or managers this must be dealt with. Without integrity where does the game stand?
My integrity has been lacking for so long because of my gambling addiction. I did things no sane person would do and my integrity has been shot. I have a long way to go to get to any a minimum level of integrity. This is a slow process and a daily process. I may never get to where I should be but I am trying each and every day to live with an honest purpose. I know I may never have the jobs I have had in the past and this is my reality. No one should feel sorry for me because I DID this to myself. The important thing to me is my recovery from my compulsive gambling addiction. Without this recovery there is nothing; no family, no career, no friends and no God. I don't want to go back to where I was nine and half months ago so it is imperative to me to continue to work my recovery one day at a time.
There are certain things in my life I can control and there are certain things in my life I cannot control. I can control whether or not I gamble. Today I did NOT gamble and it makes nine and half months without placing a wager. I cannot control how others feel about me. These are individualsÂ’ feelings and I cannot change their mind. I cannot control what the courts decide to do with me. This does not mean I give up and stop working my recovery. Quite the contrary; in order for me to live a normal productive life I must continue my compulsive gambling recovery. When I do get incarcerated it doesn't mean I stop working my recovery. Where I go may or may not have Gamblers Anonymous so it is imperative I have a strong foundation to build upon.
I have tremendous support from my family and friends. Yes, there are those that do not understand how I could do the things I have done and this is their right to feel this way. It is very difficult to understand how someone who seemingly had it all figured out could royally screw up their life do to a compulsive gambling addiction. Everything I have done in the past was wrong and today I am trying to do everything right.
One of thereasonss I decided to do the Al Roker Investigates interview was to help someone with a gambling problem but the ultimate reason was to help myself. I needed to tell my story and have it chronicled so I would NEVER forget. I could have easily ran and hid for the past nine months but that would have not done me any good. I have experienced such growth and without this recovery process I would have been stuck in the past. It took me a long time fighting my gambling addiction to get to where I was and it will take me a lifetime to battle this addiction. I do know this addiction will be with me the rest of my life and I cannot get complacent for one second or that slippery slope will start all over again.
That slippery slope would lead to my ultimate demise and I have so much more to give to myself and my family. I understand there is more to life than lying and deceiving. It is so much easier to tell the truth because as it states in the Bible; "the truth shall sets you free". The truth about me being a compulsive gambler has set me free but I must continue working the steps and applying the steps in the Gamblers Anonymous Program one day at a time. As long as I continue applying these steps in my daily life everything will continue to get better. It has gotten progressively better since I stopped the lying, cheating and deceiving. I know as long as I continue working the Program life will be what it should be which is a life with meaning and purpose.
My integrity has been lacking for so long because of my gambling addiction. I did things no sane person would do and my integrity has been shot. I have a long way to go to get to any a minimum level of integrity. This is a slow process and a daily process. I may never get to where I should be but I am trying each and every day to live with an honest purpose. I know I may never have the jobs I have had in the past and this is my reality. No one should feel sorry for me because I DID this to myself. The important thing to me is my recovery from my compulsive gambling addiction. Without this recovery there is nothing; no family, no career, no friends and no God. I don't want to go back to where I was nine and half months ago so it is imperative to me to continue to work my recovery one day at a time.
There are certain things in my life I can control and there are certain things in my life I cannot control. I can control whether or not I gamble. Today I did NOT gamble and it makes nine and half months without placing a wager. I cannot control how others feel about me. These are individualsÂ’ feelings and I cannot change their mind. I cannot control what the courts decide to do with me. This does not mean I give up and stop working my recovery. Quite the contrary; in order for me to live a normal productive life I must continue my compulsive gambling recovery. When I do get incarcerated it doesn't mean I stop working my recovery. Where I go may or may not have Gamblers Anonymous so it is imperative I have a strong foundation to build upon.
I have tremendous support from my family and friends. Yes, there are those that do not understand how I could do the things I have done and this is their right to feel this way. It is very difficult to understand how someone who seemingly had it all figured out could royally screw up their life do to a compulsive gambling addiction. Everything I have done in the past was wrong and today I am trying to do everything right.
One of thereasonss I decided to do the Al Roker Investigates interview was to help someone with a gambling problem but the ultimate reason was to help myself. I needed to tell my story and have it chronicled so I would NEVER forget. I could have easily ran and hid for the past nine months but that would have not done me any good. I have experienced such growth and without this recovery process I would have been stuck in the past. It took me a long time fighting my gambling addiction to get to where I was and it will take me a lifetime to battle this addiction. I do know this addiction will be with me the rest of my life and I cannot get complacent for one second or that slippery slope will start all over again.
That slippery slope would lead to my ultimate demise and I have so much more to give to myself and my family. I understand there is more to life than lying and deceiving. It is so much easier to tell the truth because as it states in the Bible; "the truth shall sets you free". The truth about me being a compulsive gambler has set me free but I must continue working the steps and applying the steps in the Gamblers Anonymous Program one day at a time. As long as I continue applying these steps in my daily life everything will continue to get better. It has gotten progressively better since I stopped the lying, cheating and deceiving. I know as long as I continue working the Program life will be what it should be which is a life with meaning and purpose.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Problem Gambling
I read an article in the New York Newsday newspaper regarding the Al Roker Investigates; Kids, Cards and Dice program and it was not too complimentary. In fact I believe the review showed some disdain for Al Roker and the program content. The reviewer was looking for more data on kids gambling and how poker has affected them in a statistical form. After spending two days in Las Vegas last week at the National Center for Responsible Gaming Conference on Addiction and Gambling I can tell you there is NO data available. All of the current studies come from Canada because the government controls all of the casinos. There is very limited funds available for this type of research in the United States; in fact very few researchers are able to receive government grants for gambling research.
In most states the Problem Gambling Office resides underneath the Drug and Alcohol Department and this is the case in my home state of California. Most of the grants are given to the study and treatment of drugs and alcohol. The state of California has commissioned a company to do a survey on Problem Gambling and is spending $1.6 million on this survey. I had a conversation today with a well respected newsreporter on this particular study. The newsreporter told me he is very weary of this survey because in his opinion the survey is being done on a random basis. He told me to think of it as a telemarketer calling your home and asking you about your gambling habits.
If the statistics are correct and 1% of the total adult population are considered pathological gamblers then this study will come up empty handed and they may even think there is NO problem with gambling. The casinos have very strong databases and they know their customers very well. The top 10% of the customers drive 90% of the revenues and of those top 10% I would guess 70% would be considered problem gamblers. This does not mean they are pathological gamblers but they very well may be on their way to bigger and bigger problems. I am not inferring that the casinos do a survey for problem gamblers because this would NEVER happen. There has to be a better way to conduct a survey on problem gambling other than calling people randomly. Besides being bothered by a telemarketer at home how many people will lie about their gambling activities. I know I would have nine and half months ago.
I am not sure what needs to happen to raise the awareness level on problem/pathological gambling but something needs to be done. Everyday there is a news article on someone (like me) stealing, embezzling, or committing other crimes to feed their gambling addiction. I guess it is like any other addiction if you are not directly affected by it why should you care. Maybe the legislators have not been directly affected by compulsive gambling like alcohol and drug addictions. I do know that in Nevada this year they past a law that taxes the slot machines in every casino so there are funds for the awareness and treatment of problem gambling. The only reason why this was past; an assembly person in the Nevada State Senate had a family member who is a compulsive gambler.
What if Pete Rose came out 16 years ago and admitted he was a compulsive gambler and sought treatment? Instead of living in denial all these years. Would he had gotten into the Hall of Fame? Would more people look at the gambling addiction? Who knows; but Mr. Rose continues to live in denial. Oh by the way he did admit to betting on baseball last year to sell a few more books and hopefully have a better chance at getting back into baseball but I didn't see the sincerity in his face.
Gambling is everywhere and in every state. Most people do not have a problem with gambling and can walk away. However; as gambling continues to expand this country will see more and more compulsive gamblers. I know I cannot control any of this I can only control myself. I would like to do something in this field but I have to work on myself first and foremost. I must continue to work my recovery each and every day. I must live honestly and openly and I must improve my character defects. I cannot change the world I can only change myself. It pains me to see other people go through the problems I have gone through and no one should have to live with this addiction. There is a better way to gambling and that way for me is to NOT gamble today and live a life with a purpose. I am on the right track and will continue moving forward one day at a time.
In most states the Problem Gambling Office resides underneath the Drug and Alcohol Department and this is the case in my home state of California. Most of the grants are given to the study and treatment of drugs and alcohol. The state of California has commissioned a company to do a survey on Problem Gambling and is spending $1.6 million on this survey. I had a conversation today with a well respected newsreporter on this particular study. The newsreporter told me he is very weary of this survey because in his opinion the survey is being done on a random basis. He told me to think of it as a telemarketer calling your home and asking you about your gambling habits.
If the statistics are correct and 1% of the total adult population are considered pathological gamblers then this study will come up empty handed and they may even think there is NO problem with gambling. The casinos have very strong databases and they know their customers very well. The top 10% of the customers drive 90% of the revenues and of those top 10% I would guess 70% would be considered problem gamblers. This does not mean they are pathological gamblers but they very well may be on their way to bigger and bigger problems. I am not inferring that the casinos do a survey for problem gamblers because this would NEVER happen. There has to be a better way to conduct a survey on problem gambling other than calling people randomly. Besides being bothered by a telemarketer at home how many people will lie about their gambling activities. I know I would have nine and half months ago.
I am not sure what needs to happen to raise the awareness level on problem/pathological gambling but something needs to be done. Everyday there is a news article on someone (like me) stealing, embezzling, or committing other crimes to feed their gambling addiction. I guess it is like any other addiction if you are not directly affected by it why should you care. Maybe the legislators have not been directly affected by compulsive gambling like alcohol and drug addictions. I do know that in Nevada this year they past a law that taxes the slot machines in every casino so there are funds for the awareness and treatment of problem gambling. The only reason why this was past; an assembly person in the Nevada State Senate had a family member who is a compulsive gambler.
What if Pete Rose came out 16 years ago and admitted he was a compulsive gambler and sought treatment? Instead of living in denial all these years. Would he had gotten into the Hall of Fame? Would more people look at the gambling addiction? Who knows; but Mr. Rose continues to live in denial. Oh by the way he did admit to betting on baseball last year to sell a few more books and hopefully have a better chance at getting back into baseball but I didn't see the sincerity in his face.
Gambling is everywhere and in every state. Most people do not have a problem with gambling and can walk away. However; as gambling continues to expand this country will see more and more compulsive gamblers. I know I cannot control any of this I can only control myself. I would like to do something in this field but I have to work on myself first and foremost. I must continue to work my recovery each and every day. I must live honestly and openly and I must improve my character defects. I cannot change the world I can only change myself. It pains me to see other people go through the problems I have gone through and no one should have to live with this addiction. There is a better way to gambling and that way for me is to NOT gamble today and live a life with a purpose. I am on the right track and will continue moving forward one day at a time.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
The Program
Anyone who has read this blog with some regularity knows I am a very big proponent of the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Today was a day where the Program was at its best. My family and I were able to attend a function for a fellow member and their wife with other fellow members in attendance. It was a lovely afternoon followed by a wonderful Gamblers Anonymous meeting. The Program works and I am so thankful to have it and the fellow members who come with the Program in my life.
The function was great and the people were even better. I think what makes the Program work is the people. They are warm, generous, sympathetic, always willing to listening, wise, compassionate and much much more. I could go on and on but the people in the Gamblers Anonymous Program make it something very special. Today was filled with love and devotion. I know without this fellowship I would be in a world of pain. I am not in a world of pain I am in a world of love. Life does have a way of working out and as long as I continue working the Program everything will continue to get better.
Tonight at the Gamblers Anonymous meeting I was told something by another member that really made me feel good. I will not share the exact thoughts because it was between a fellow member and myself. I will not betray their confidence but I will say for all the bad my situation has brought I can see some good coming out of it. Not only am I becoming a better person as each day goes by I can see other positive things happening. Yes, I have caused pain and suffering to my family and myself do to my inability to acknowledge I have a gambling problem. However; this pain and suffering is turning into pleasure and endurance. I will endure this ordeal and will continue to embrace life one day at a time because life without gambling is a magnificent life.
Lastly, my son who is four years old asked me what does the word "blame" mean. I am not sure where he had heard this or why he even asked me but I tried to answer his question to the best of my ability. I told him blame is to NOT take responsibility for your own actions rather you point the finger at someone else. He had a bit of a blank stare on his face and his seven year old sister told me she "didn't get it". I tried to simplify the answer with an example, which went like this; think of blame as if you were to break something and when Mom or Dad asks you what happened you tell us your brother broke it. When the truth is you broke it. Then my daughter asked me isn't this lying? Yes, it is a form of a lie and it is always better to tell the truth than to lie and blame someone else. I am not sure if she or her brother fully understand what I was saying.
My point here (if there is one!) is I have no one to blame except myself for what I have done to my family. I will not lie and say someone else made me do it. The responsibility of my actions is on me and me alone. I did what I did because I have and will always have a gambling problem. Now I am getting treatment and finding my true self. I cannot continue to blame anyone including myself because it will only set me back. I will continue to move forward correcting the wrongs and living a life with an honest purpose. This life is so much better than it was nine and half months ago because the blaming, lying, cheating and deceit are gone. I know I have a long way to go to become the person I can be but I do like the progress so far. I thank the Program for this progress. Without the Program I wouldn't know how to progress and would be stuck where I was nine and half months ago.
I would like to wish my brother-in-law Dennis a very happy birthday. I hope you had a great day and many many more.
The function was great and the people were even better. I think what makes the Program work is the people. They are warm, generous, sympathetic, always willing to listening, wise, compassionate and much much more. I could go on and on but the people in the Gamblers Anonymous Program make it something very special. Today was filled with love and devotion. I know without this fellowship I would be in a world of pain. I am not in a world of pain I am in a world of love. Life does have a way of working out and as long as I continue working the Program everything will continue to get better.
Tonight at the Gamblers Anonymous meeting I was told something by another member that really made me feel good. I will not share the exact thoughts because it was between a fellow member and myself. I will not betray their confidence but I will say for all the bad my situation has brought I can see some good coming out of it. Not only am I becoming a better person as each day goes by I can see other positive things happening. Yes, I have caused pain and suffering to my family and myself do to my inability to acknowledge I have a gambling problem. However; this pain and suffering is turning into pleasure and endurance. I will endure this ordeal and will continue to embrace life one day at a time because life without gambling is a magnificent life.
Lastly, my son who is four years old asked me what does the word "blame" mean. I am not sure where he had heard this or why he even asked me but I tried to answer his question to the best of my ability. I told him blame is to NOT take responsibility for your own actions rather you point the finger at someone else. He had a bit of a blank stare on his face and his seven year old sister told me she "didn't get it". I tried to simplify the answer with an example, which went like this; think of blame as if you were to break something and when Mom or Dad asks you what happened you tell us your brother broke it. When the truth is you broke it. Then my daughter asked me isn't this lying? Yes, it is a form of a lie and it is always better to tell the truth than to lie and blame someone else. I am not sure if she or her brother fully understand what I was saying.
My point here (if there is one!) is I have no one to blame except myself for what I have done to my family. I will not lie and say someone else made me do it. The responsibility of my actions is on me and me alone. I did what I did because I have and will always have a gambling problem. Now I am getting treatment and finding my true self. I cannot continue to blame anyone including myself because it will only set me back. I will continue to move forward correcting the wrongs and living a life with an honest purpose. This life is so much better than it was nine and half months ago because the blaming, lying, cheating and deceit are gone. I know I have a long way to go to become the person I can be but I do like the progress so far. I thank the Program for this progress. Without the Program I wouldn't know how to progress and would be stuck where I was nine and half months ago.
I would like to wish my brother-in-law Dennis a very happy birthday. I hope you had a great day and many many more.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Back to Normal
My normal has changed over the course of the last nine months and this normal is much better than what it used to be. My normal Saturday now consists of getting up going to Krispy Kreme; getting donuts for the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting and attending the meeting. This is a far cry from what normal was nine months ago. Normal was getting up by 6:30; checking my cell phone for the daily selections and then placing my many many bets on the internet for the day. After I placed the bets I would go and work out. I believe my work out routine has kept me from completely going insane. It is the one staple in my life that kept me from losing my mind prior to nine months ago and keeps me from losing my mind now.
Of course now I have so many other things in my life that keep me on the straight and narrow path like the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting as well as the other two GA meetings I attend on Sunday and Tuesday. Yes, this normal is so much better than what it previously was like. I know things will continue to change in terms of what is normal but if I maintain what I am doing currently and keep doing it one day at a time life will continue to improve.
Today's meeting was a birthday celebration and it looks like our little GA group is going to have a few more birthdays in the coming months which is fantastic. The meeting today celebrated a member's one year of abstinence from gambling and yes, we do make a big deal of it. I know it is just another day and I am just one bet away from that slippery slope; however; as members approach certain milestones we do celebrate because it is very important. Today was no exception, there was a very good turnout for the meeting and it is so nice to see some fellow members who travel a good distance and don't normally come to the Saturday morning meeting. Everyone adds something different to a meeting but there are certain people I really enjoy listening to maybe it is because I don't see these people often. Whatever the reason their wisdom always resonates with me.
I received many positive compliments (can a compliment be negative?? maybe so) about the Al Roker Investigates program and I thank everyone for their feedback. I also received some questions regarding the show and one in particular I would like to address. Someone asked me why did they show my family especially my children. Maybe they thought this was an exploitive measure by the producers but I thought it showed how a compulsive gambler not only affects their own life but the lives of others. My wife and children are real people and what I have done to them is horrible. I certainly regret my actions but I cannot change those events of the past I can only be a better person for myself and them today. I thank God each and every day for keeping my family together and I thank God each and every day for blessing me with such a special wife. She is an amazing person and I know we will continue to grow as a couple and as a family through this entire ordeal.
Getting back to the Court TV program; by showing my family it gave a face to what my wife and what I was talking about. Hopefully, one person out there that is on the brink of doing something bad because of their compulsive gambling addiction thinks about their loved ones before committing the bad behavior. This maybe a fantasy of mine because most compulsive gamblers (like me) stop gambling when it appears to be too late. I am hear to tell anyone who will listen it is NEVER too late. No matter how much in debt, how much grief and sorrow, how much pain and suffering the compulsive gambler has caused it is never too late to stop gambling and get help.
I fought this disease for all of my adult life and now I know I don't have to fight it anymore. I am powerless over gambling and I cannot control my gambling behavior. Through the grace of God and the Gamblers Anonymous Program I have the strength to NOT gamble today and this has been successful for the last nine months and twelve days. I will repeat this process tomorrow because it truly does work one day at a time.
Finally anyone interested in reading the entire commentary from the columnist at the Buffalo News regarding the Al Roker Investigates "Kids, Cards and Dice" program please click here.
Of course now I have so many other things in my life that keep me on the straight and narrow path like the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting as well as the other two GA meetings I attend on Sunday and Tuesday. Yes, this normal is so much better than what it previously was like. I know things will continue to change in terms of what is normal but if I maintain what I am doing currently and keep doing it one day at a time life will continue to improve.
Today's meeting was a birthday celebration and it looks like our little GA group is going to have a few more birthdays in the coming months which is fantastic. The meeting today celebrated a member's one year of abstinence from gambling and yes, we do make a big deal of it. I know it is just another day and I am just one bet away from that slippery slope; however; as members approach certain milestones we do celebrate because it is very important. Today was no exception, there was a very good turnout for the meeting and it is so nice to see some fellow members who travel a good distance and don't normally come to the Saturday morning meeting. Everyone adds something different to a meeting but there are certain people I really enjoy listening to maybe it is because I don't see these people often. Whatever the reason their wisdom always resonates with me.
I received many positive compliments (can a compliment be negative?? maybe so) about the Al Roker Investigates program and I thank everyone for their feedback. I also received some questions regarding the show and one in particular I would like to address. Someone asked me why did they show my family especially my children. Maybe they thought this was an exploitive measure by the producers but I thought it showed how a compulsive gambler not only affects their own life but the lives of others. My wife and children are real people and what I have done to them is horrible. I certainly regret my actions but I cannot change those events of the past I can only be a better person for myself and them today. I thank God each and every day for keeping my family together and I thank God each and every day for blessing me with such a special wife. She is an amazing person and I know we will continue to grow as a couple and as a family through this entire ordeal.
Getting back to the Court TV program; by showing my family it gave a face to what my wife and what I was talking about. Hopefully, one person out there that is on the brink of doing something bad because of their compulsive gambling addiction thinks about their loved ones before committing the bad behavior. This maybe a fantasy of mine because most compulsive gamblers (like me) stop gambling when it appears to be too late. I am hear to tell anyone who will listen it is NEVER too late. No matter how much in debt, how much grief and sorrow, how much pain and suffering the compulsive gambler has caused it is never too late to stop gambling and get help.
I fought this disease for all of my adult life and now I know I don't have to fight it anymore. I am powerless over gambling and I cannot control my gambling behavior. Through the grace of God and the Gamblers Anonymous Program I have the strength to NOT gamble today and this has been successful for the last nine months and twelve days. I will repeat this process tomorrow because it truly does work one day at a time.
Finally anyone interested in reading the entire commentary from the columnist at the Buffalo News regarding the Al Roker Investigates "Kids, Cards and Dice" program please click here.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Al Roker Investigates
Today I drove back from Las Vegas and yes, I am still gamble free for the last nine months and 11 days!! Last night I had dinner by myself at a fabulous Italian Restaurant in the Rio Hotel. They have the best eggplant parmigiana I have ever eaten. I was at this same restaurant almost one year ago with a former colleague of mine and I actually sat at the same table. The fact that I can remember what table I sat at last year is remarkable because my mind was going crazy at this time last year. I think the fact that the eggplant was so good made me remember the place very well. I really don't make a big point out of food because there is only so much I eat or should I say there is very LITTLE I eat. So when some food stands out which is rare I usually remember it. The eggplant was as I remembered it and I ate alone with my book. It really was an enjoyable evening. I headed back to my room where I read a little more and fell asleep.
I woke up this morning; worked out and got in my car to come back to Southern California. All the while I kept thinking about the Al Roker Investigates; Kids, Cards and Dice show. I had received a review from my Mother and my Wife. Both of them said it was well done but I couldn't wait to see it with my own eyes.
On my way home I stopped at my son's school and picked him up which is always great to see my children. They are so precious and mean the world to me. His little blue eyes lit up when he saw me coming towards him. He ran toward me yelling; "DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!!" and I lifted him up in the air and gave him a big kiss. He is a wonderful child.
We got home and shortly thereafter my daughter and my wife arrived home. My daughter ran over to me and I lifted her up and gave her a big hug and a kiss. I greeted my wife with a kiss and a hug as well.
By this time I really wanted to watch the program. We sent the children in the backyard to play and my wife and I sat down to watch the show. I thought I may have a hard time watching myself on television and at first I didn't even realize it was me. After a few minutes I got comfortable and couldn't believe how BIG my nose is!! I guess I knew my nose was large but looking at it on television really makes it look big. Sorry for the digression; back to the show. I thought the producers did a remarkable job of putting together a story of the two young "would be" poker players and tying everything around these two kids.
I really couldn't have asked for anything better; I was very pleased. My only negative comment is I thought they should have displayed a helpline telephone number for anyone who is seeking assistance with their gambling problem. Here are a few in case someone is seeking help with their gambling problem; 1-888-LAST-BET and 1-800-522-4700. The first telephone number is run by Arnie and Sheila Wexler two of the pioneers in compulsive gambling treatment and the second is the telephone number for the National Council on Problem Gambling Helpline; this will put you in touch with a local affiliate. Also; those seeking treatment can go to the Gamblers Anonymous website for a list of meetings in your area.
I did speak with the producer and he asked what I thought about the program. I told him he did a remarkable job and I thanked him for all of his hard work. I did mention about the helpline and he did say he would say something to Court TV to put up a telephone number the next time it airs.
Yes, what I have done is horrible but I cannot change the past events. I can only move forward and live a life of honesty, openness and with a purpose. I know things happen for a reason and hopefully there was one person who saw the program last night and it made them seek assistance for their gambling problem. I can't change my past but hopefully with awareness of what this disease can do to people such as myself it may prevent someone from doing the same.
I woke up this morning; worked out and got in my car to come back to Southern California. All the while I kept thinking about the Al Roker Investigates; Kids, Cards and Dice show. I had received a review from my Mother and my Wife. Both of them said it was well done but I couldn't wait to see it with my own eyes.
On my way home I stopped at my son's school and picked him up which is always great to see my children. They are so precious and mean the world to me. His little blue eyes lit up when he saw me coming towards him. He ran toward me yelling; "DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!!" and I lifted him up in the air and gave him a big kiss. He is a wonderful child.
We got home and shortly thereafter my daughter and my wife arrived home. My daughter ran over to me and I lifted her up and gave her a big hug and a kiss. I greeted my wife with a kiss and a hug as well.
By this time I really wanted to watch the program. We sent the children in the backyard to play and my wife and I sat down to watch the show. I thought I may have a hard time watching myself on television and at first I didn't even realize it was me. After a few minutes I got comfortable and couldn't believe how BIG my nose is!! I guess I knew my nose was large but looking at it on television really makes it look big. Sorry for the digression; back to the show. I thought the producers did a remarkable job of putting together a story of the two young "would be" poker players and tying everything around these two kids.
I really couldn't have asked for anything better; I was very pleased. My only negative comment is I thought they should have displayed a helpline telephone number for anyone who is seeking assistance with their gambling problem. Here are a few in case someone is seeking help with their gambling problem; 1-888-LAST-BET and 1-800-522-4700. The first telephone number is run by Arnie and Sheila Wexler two of the pioneers in compulsive gambling treatment and the second is the telephone number for the National Council on Problem Gambling Helpline; this will put you in touch with a local affiliate. Also; those seeking treatment can go to the Gamblers Anonymous website for a list of meetings in your area.
I did speak with the producer and he asked what I thought about the program. I told him he did a remarkable job and I thanked him for all of his hard work. I did mention about the helpline and he did say he would say something to Court TV to put up a telephone number the next time it airs.
Yes, what I have done is horrible but I cannot change the past events. I can only move forward and live a life of honesty, openness and with a purpose. I know things happen for a reason and hopefully there was one person who saw the program last night and it made them seek assistance for their gambling problem. I can't change my past but hopefully with awareness of what this disease can do to people such as myself it may prevent someone from doing the same.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Harm Reduction
Day 2 of the National Center on Responsible Gaming Conference on Addiction and Gambling started out with a wonderful Gamblers Anonymous/Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. This was the first meeting I have attended outside of California and even though I only knew I one person in the meeting I still felt better after attending the meeting then I felt before the meeting. There hasn't been a meeting where this hasn't been the case and I am so pleased because the meetings maybe different from state to state or even city to city but the purpose is the same; to help people with a gambling problem. Also, this is the first meeting where the visitors seem to out number the members. This was an open meeting and some people from the conference took the initiative to attend the meeting to see how the meeting operated because as part of their jobs they do refer people to Gamblers Anonymous meetings. The feedback from these visitors after the meeting was very positive.
After the meeting came the hour and a half session on "HARM REDUCTION" for the problem gambler. I have to admit I was very skeptical going into this session but tried to keep an open mind. I was skeptical because to me I want to eliminate the harm and the only way to do this is to NOT do the behavior which means to NOT gamble. I tried to keep an open mind all through the discussion. I listened to three very highly credential counselors and they were very proud of their work but I wasn't very impressed. In fact and this will sound almost cynical the harm reduction these people were talking about seemed to prolong the therapy sessions and I would suspect they received more billable hours. This is not to say they were doing this on purpose because everyone is different in their treatment. Look at me it took; losing a career; going to jail and almost losing my family to finally admit I am a compulsive gambler so who I am to talk about others in treatment. The fact that they are getting treatment is a good thing but the harm reduction these counselors were speaking of didn't seem too effective.
Five percent of people who gamble are compulsive or pathological gamblers and I fit into this category. There is no such thing as harm reduction for this percentile because it will be all harm. This harm will not only harm the compulsive gambler but will also harm the loved ones of the compulsive gambler and in the big picture will harm society. The harm of society will come with the anti-social behavior and in some cases can lead to suicide and yes, murder.
Fifteen percent of the people will develop a problem gambling but does not mean they will be a compulsive or pathological gambler. Harm reduction may work on these people but must be closely monitored or the same problems as a compulsive gambler will develop. There are many challenges in harm reduction and I am all for whatever works for the person. For me it is abstinence, Higher Power, my family and the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I realize everyone is different and what works for me is not necessarily the end all be all. It is good to see something is being done but we have a long way to go.
The afternoon session was a very touching speech from Senator George McGovern. Senator McGovern had lost his daughter to alcoholism. Eleven years ago she was found frozen to death after passing out from drinking too much. She had two young daughters and was in and out of treatment for a number of years. Senator McGovern spoke for an hour and he was very eloquent in describing his daughters battle with her addiction. He has a long line of alcoholics in his family and he believes this has been passed down through the generations. He had a great quote on what he learned from his daughter's battle with alcoholism; "Don't hate the person hate the addiction". I was very moved by his speech and I believe the worst thing in the world is losing a child. He has taken this horrible experience and has tried to turn this into a positive. He has written book "Terrie" and started a foundation for the treatment of alcoholism in his daughter's memory.
Though Senator McGovern's speech was not about compulsive gambling it was about an addiction and yes, an addiction is an addiction whether it is to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, shopping, etc.. We can all learn from these addictions and we can all do something to ensure everyone has help. No one should be turned away because they have an addiction these are sick people (like myself) who need help and we as society should help. Yes, things are being done for addictions and the fact that there is a dialogue on compulsive gambling is a good thing in my mind.
After Senator McGovern spoke there was a session on "What we (Responsible Gaming) can learn from the alcohol industry responsible drinking program". I sat and listened for an hour and listened to some questions and listened to this speaking say he knew nothing about responsible gaming. This was extremely disappointing because I can see drawing the parallels to responsible drinking but somehow they need to be connected and this speaker could not do this. How can the Gaming Industry institute initiate this type of program? The speaker could not answer this question and I was hoping for someone to step up and say we are pursuing this type of program but no one said anything. My friend and I were perplexed how someone could speak for an hour at a responsible gaming conference and no NOTHING about responsible gaming.
The final session of the conference was on self-exclusion and how to implement a program at a casino. This panel knew what they were talking about but in my opinion this is a "feel good" option for the casino industry. They have given the patron the option to ban themselves from that particular property and in some cases all of the properties the casino's parent company is associated with. Meaning if you ban yourself from a Harrah's property in Missouri you are banning yourself from all of the Harrah's properties in the United States. It is an interesting program but it is very difficult to monitor. No one can stop the banned person from entering a casino but they can prevent them from winning. If a banned patron wins a taxable jackpot ($1200 or more) they will NOT get paid and in some cases get taken to jail for trespassing.
There was one member on the panel from a California Tribal Casino who has taken the banning to the next level. This particular casino will ban a customer when the family of the probable compulsive gambler comes in with sufficient documentation stating financial hardship caused by this person's gambling and asks for the family member to be banned. This is extremely innovative and really can only work at a Tribal Casino because their laws are a little different from the rest of the public casinos and are protected by sovereign immunity (which means they cannot be sued). They have had only a handful of these types of involuntary bannings but it was nice to see this particular regulator take the initiative to do something where they felt it necessary. There was and is a growing problem with compulsive gamblers and most compulsive gamblers will hide their gambling so I am sure this will be a limited program. But again at least something is being done and it does beat the alternative of nothing.
The conference ended and I was a bit disappointed. This was the heavyweights of the Gaming Industry and the Addiction Experts and I guess I was expecting a bit more. The fact that there is a movement to assist problem gamblers is a step in the right direction but there are so many steps that need to be taken. I would say the treatment, education and awareness of problem gambling is in the infancy stage and the infant has yet to learn how to crawl but everyone starts somewhere.
Tonight the Al Roker Investigates; "Kids, Cards and Dice" airs on Court TV and here is a few paragraphs from review in a Buffalo, New York newspaper;
In Roker's program, a reformed gambling addict, Paul Del Vacchio, reveals some of the dangers discussed by opponents of the much-talked about new casino in Buffalo. The accountant eventually declared bankruptcy, embezzled from his company and is facing a potential prison term of 12 years.
He is eloquent in describing how his life spiraled out of control after he became addicted to the rush of online gambling on sports events. Ultimately, he realized he was an "idiot" for taking such uncontrollable risks.
When it comes to gambling, you can be smart and still be an idiot. Roker's show follows around two Ivy Leaguers who claim big online poker winnings and believe they have a flawless system that will prevent them from busting at a casino.
This superior attitude makes them more pathetic figures than sympathetic ones. As gambling addiction experts on the program tell Roker, ultimately even the best poker players rely on what cards turn up.
At one point, Roker tells one of the Ivy Leaguers that he could bust out and lose everything. "It is not really possible I don't think," replies the University of Pennsylvania graduate.
I know there are no sure things. But I bet you can't possibly watch this special and not realize that the only guarantee in gambling, as in life, is there are no guarantees.
After the meeting came the hour and a half session on "HARM REDUCTION" for the problem gambler. I have to admit I was very skeptical going into this session but tried to keep an open mind. I was skeptical because to me I want to eliminate the harm and the only way to do this is to NOT do the behavior which means to NOT gamble. I tried to keep an open mind all through the discussion. I listened to three very highly credential counselors and they were very proud of their work but I wasn't very impressed. In fact and this will sound almost cynical the harm reduction these people were talking about seemed to prolong the therapy sessions and I would suspect they received more billable hours. This is not to say they were doing this on purpose because everyone is different in their treatment. Look at me it took; losing a career; going to jail and almost losing my family to finally admit I am a compulsive gambler so who I am to talk about others in treatment. The fact that they are getting treatment is a good thing but the harm reduction these counselors were speaking of didn't seem too effective.
Five percent of people who gamble are compulsive or pathological gamblers and I fit into this category. There is no such thing as harm reduction for this percentile because it will be all harm. This harm will not only harm the compulsive gambler but will also harm the loved ones of the compulsive gambler and in the big picture will harm society. The harm of society will come with the anti-social behavior and in some cases can lead to suicide and yes, murder.
Fifteen percent of the people will develop a problem gambling but does not mean they will be a compulsive or pathological gambler. Harm reduction may work on these people but must be closely monitored or the same problems as a compulsive gambler will develop. There are many challenges in harm reduction and I am all for whatever works for the person. For me it is abstinence, Higher Power, my family and the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I realize everyone is different and what works for me is not necessarily the end all be all. It is good to see something is being done but we have a long way to go.
The afternoon session was a very touching speech from Senator George McGovern. Senator McGovern had lost his daughter to alcoholism. Eleven years ago she was found frozen to death after passing out from drinking too much. She had two young daughters and was in and out of treatment for a number of years. Senator McGovern spoke for an hour and he was very eloquent in describing his daughters battle with her addiction. He has a long line of alcoholics in his family and he believes this has been passed down through the generations. He had a great quote on what he learned from his daughter's battle with alcoholism; "Don't hate the person hate the addiction". I was very moved by his speech and I believe the worst thing in the world is losing a child. He has taken this horrible experience and has tried to turn this into a positive. He has written book "Terrie" and started a foundation for the treatment of alcoholism in his daughter's memory.
Though Senator McGovern's speech was not about compulsive gambling it was about an addiction and yes, an addiction is an addiction whether it is to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, shopping, etc.. We can all learn from these addictions and we can all do something to ensure everyone has help. No one should be turned away because they have an addiction these are sick people (like myself) who need help and we as society should help. Yes, things are being done for addictions and the fact that there is a dialogue on compulsive gambling is a good thing in my mind.
After Senator McGovern spoke there was a session on "What we (Responsible Gaming) can learn from the alcohol industry responsible drinking program". I sat and listened for an hour and listened to some questions and listened to this speaking say he knew nothing about responsible gaming. This was extremely disappointing because I can see drawing the parallels to responsible drinking but somehow they need to be connected and this speaker could not do this. How can the Gaming Industry institute initiate this type of program? The speaker could not answer this question and I was hoping for someone to step up and say we are pursuing this type of program but no one said anything. My friend and I were perplexed how someone could speak for an hour at a responsible gaming conference and no NOTHING about responsible gaming.
The final session of the conference was on self-exclusion and how to implement a program at a casino. This panel knew what they were talking about but in my opinion this is a "feel good" option for the casino industry. They have given the patron the option to ban themselves from that particular property and in some cases all of the properties the casino's parent company is associated with. Meaning if you ban yourself from a Harrah's property in Missouri you are banning yourself from all of the Harrah's properties in the United States. It is an interesting program but it is very difficult to monitor. No one can stop the banned person from entering a casino but they can prevent them from winning. If a banned patron wins a taxable jackpot ($1200 or more) they will NOT get paid and in some cases get taken to jail for trespassing.
There was one member on the panel from a California Tribal Casino who has taken the banning to the next level. This particular casino will ban a customer when the family of the probable compulsive gambler comes in with sufficient documentation stating financial hardship caused by this person's gambling and asks for the family member to be banned. This is extremely innovative and really can only work at a Tribal Casino because their laws are a little different from the rest of the public casinos and are protected by sovereign immunity (which means they cannot be sued). They have had only a handful of these types of involuntary bannings but it was nice to see this particular regulator take the initiative to do something where they felt it necessary. There was and is a growing problem with compulsive gamblers and most compulsive gamblers will hide their gambling so I am sure this will be a limited program. But again at least something is being done and it does beat the alternative of nothing.
The conference ended and I was a bit disappointed. This was the heavyweights of the Gaming Industry and the Addiction Experts and I guess I was expecting a bit more. The fact that there is a movement to assist problem gamblers is a step in the right direction but there are so many steps that need to be taken. I would say the treatment, education and awareness of problem gambling is in the infancy stage and the infant has yet to learn how to crawl but everyone starts somewhere.
Tonight the Al Roker Investigates; "Kids, Cards and Dice" airs on Court TV and here is a few paragraphs from review in a Buffalo, New York newspaper;
In Roker's program, a reformed gambling addict, Paul Del Vacchio, reveals some of the dangers discussed by opponents of the much-talked about new casino in Buffalo. The accountant eventually declared bankruptcy, embezzled from his company and is facing a potential prison term of 12 years.
He is eloquent in describing how his life spiraled out of control after he became addicted to the rush of online gambling on sports events. Ultimately, he realized he was an "idiot" for taking such uncontrollable risks.
When it comes to gambling, you can be smart and still be an idiot. Roker's show follows around two Ivy Leaguers who claim big online poker winnings and believe they have a flawless system that will prevent them from busting at a casino.
This superior attitude makes them more pathetic figures than sympathetic ones. As gambling addiction experts on the program tell Roker, ultimately even the best poker players rely on what cards turn up.
At one point, Roker tells one of the Ivy Leaguers that he could bust out and lose everything. "It is not really possible I don't think," replies the University of Pennsylvania graduate.
I know there are no sure things. But I bet you can't possibly watch this special and not realize that the only guarantee in gambling, as in life, is there are no guarantees.
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