Start Up the Cycle

Before I went inside yesterday for the 2:45 pm unlock, I sat and talked with my friend regarding the fact that we will both be here at least another week. I said to him, “ This is a very difficult place to stay positive in.” My friend agreed with me but I was not going to let myself fall into a negative frame of mind. I was venting about having to stay here another week and letting my frustration show. I was very focused on getting the notification that I would be transferred today, but unfortunately this did not happen so I have to start up the cycle once again gearing for next Tuesday.

First and foremost, I am a human being, not a robot so I do have human feeling and emotions. I would love to say, “Oh well, I am not going to fire camp this week, maybe it will happen next week,” and then go about my business. I can’t do this because I have those emotions which emit disappointment and frustration. The way in which I process these emotions do define me as a person. Do I wallow in self-pity and say, “Woe is me”? Of course not. Do I lament for a few minutes, feel sorry for myself, and then move on? Yes, I do. I have a process and over the past few weeks, I continued to perfect the process. Clearly there is not a whole lot I could do as the decision to transfer me to fire camp is in the hands of someone else. I can feel badly but not for very long. I have a life to live and I choose to live this life in a positive manner. I am not capable (yet) of staying positive 100% of the time, but as long as I am positive over 80% of the time, I am on the right road. There are so many inmates inside here who are negative all of the time for various reasons and it is very sad. No one should be this way all of the time because this is no way to go through life. I enjoy being positive most of the time and I will continue focusing on all of the positives in my life such as my dear family. I will be okay and get through this process a much better person.

I was glad to get my feelings out talking to my friend as it did make me feel better. I’m not sure if my friend’s plan will speed up our departure, but it is worth a try. I did find out about one inmate who is the same race as me who received a transpack ducat yesterday even though he completed his training requirements 1 ½ weeks ago. I cannot dwell on this because no matter how unfair it seems this is how the system operates. As I mentioned previously, my Bunkie has been waiting 15 weeks for his transfer and God love him because he keeps saying “next week” every week when he learns he has to stay here at least one more week. I do enjoy his enthusiasm and one week he will be correct and finally move on to fire camp.

After dinner I had some letters to write which really helped me to process the feeling I had by not being transferred this week. Ultimately, it is me who chooses between right and wrong. I chose “wrong” which got me into this mess and now through recovery, I am choosing “right”. Speaking of recovery, my friend was able to get me on the list for the Tuesday evening meeting for “Celebrate Recovery.” My first meeting should be next week as it was too late for me to go last night. I am looking forward to this for the simple fact it is a recovery meeting and I am compulsive gambler who is in recovery. My friend attended last night’s meeting and he did tell me it was very good. It was different from the previous week because there wasn’t a band; however, it sounded to me that last night’s meeting had more substance. Hopefully, I will be able to attend.

Last night I was able to sleep all night through. Once every few weeks this happens. I don’t do anything differently and I certainly did enjoy not waking up several times at night. The breakfast unlock arrived later than usual and I headed toward the dining hall for the oatmeal pancake breakfast. This is my favorite meal and I certainly filled up this morning. There was a banana on my tray and my dorm mate also gave me his. I have become bold with the “banana caper” this morning. Normally, my dorm mate would provide a distraction to the “Fruit Nazi” so I can walk out of the dining hall with the banana safely underneath my sweatshirt. However, this morning the Fruit Nazi had company as he was flanked by a sergeant so my dorm mate didn’t want to create a diversion. I was feeling bold and tucked the bananas under my sweatshirt and walked out of the dining hall confidently passed the Fruit Nazi and sergeant. Neither one bothered to check me as I wished both of then “Good Day” on my way out. I’m not sure why I felt so bold this morning but I did and now I have 2 bananas safely hidden in my locker.