"A LOT"

Yes, another 24 hours has passed and here I am again staring at a blank page. Thank goodness for the Gamblers Anonymous Program this continues to restore sanity to my once completely insane life. It has been over three years since my last wager and more importantly is has been over three years that I have been associated with the Gamblers Anonymous Program.

Yesterday evening was the Monday evening Topic meeting and we are in the process of selecting new Secretaries for the meetings so this meant a newer member got to Chair the meeting. This is an integral part in the development of anyone associated with GA. I know from past experience being involved with the Program help accelerate my recovery. We have members that are committed to going to one meeting per week and this works very well for them.

My recovery has progressed a little differently and at one point I was attending five sometimes six meetings per week. I was basically “banking” these meetings prior to my sentence because I didn’t know whether I would have access to GA meetings while incarcerated. Thanks to my incredible friends the program was bought to me when I reached fire camp; however; I had been “away” 10 months at the time with no access to GA meetings. Thankfully I have so many dear friends in the program that my “meetings” prior to arriving at fire camp came in the way of letters with these dear friends. I even managed to “work the steps” with my sponsor via the mail during this period.

Now that I have been released I am once again building my GA meeting reserves attending 4 meetings per week without much exception. This is a wonderful consistency in my life and I am eternally grateful to the program. I can see my attendance dwindling when my family returns next month because I have a great deal of catching up to do and yes, recovery is a priority in my life and so it is my family. There needs to be a balance in my life between the two because without these in my life I am nothing.

This continual separation from my family has worked out for the very best and now I am so ready for their return. My daughter said to me today, “Daddy I miss you, A LOT,” which pulled at my heart strings. My daughter has told me she has misses me just about every time I have spoken to her on the telephone but today the emphasis on “A LOT” was clearly evident. I miss her “A LOT” as well and I told her this today. I also reiterated that it won’t be long before we are all back together. She continues to ask me if I have received permission to come to New Jersey and each time I have to explain I am still waiting for this permission. My 10 year old daughter does understand the situation at hand but really doesn’t understand why her Dad can’t just come out and be we with her. This is so difficult and I know it is only temporary but I still have feelings and I got tears in my eyes when my daughter said, “A LOT”.

This whole predicament will pass soon enough and we will all be under one roof, and there won’t be any need for me to ask permission if I can see my children since they will be here. It is the waiting and the anticipation along with the fact that the decision rests completely outside of my scope of control. I have accepted this and continue to accept this but I won’t down play it, this is very difficult. I have waited two years to be back with my family and it can’t come soon enough. I doubt that the “powers that be” understand the magnitude of their decision on whether or not I get to go to New Jersey and drive back with my family. I am just another file in a sea of files and the permission is just another piece of paperwork. I don’t know how I would react if the roles were reversed but knowing what I know I hope to God I would show some compassion and empathy.

I turned off my emotions when I was compulsively gambling and was very unfeeling for a number of years. I thought I could pick and choose when my emotions would turn back on but the longer I gambled the less feeling I became. This is no way to live and fortunately I don’t ever have to live this way again. It is wonderful having true emotions and living with honesty, open-mindedness and willingness to do the right thing. I made an egregious mistake when I started my deviate behavior and I continue to suffer the consequences, rightfully so.

This is a society that punishes people for deviant behavior and I do accept my role. I know at some point as long as I embrace recovery each and everyday the consequences to my deviant actions will diminish and ultimately subside. However; I can never forget how I felt all through this process. I will not dwell in this situation because that is counter-productive to recovery but a healthy remembrance does work wonders.

My day was a typical day other then the fact I just didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. My legs were feeling tired and it wasn’t just my legs but my whole body. I woke up at my usual time and figured I needed more rest. I somehow convinced myself to get out of bed and go to the gym. This is how my “screwy” mind works; I knew I would be eating the other half of my pizza for lunch today (this was leftover from yesterday when I went to watch the U.S. Open) and with this in mind I couldn’t just lay in bed. I had to get up and go work out. I think I may have a problem???? Yes, I probably do have some sort of eating, exercise or who knows what disorder but that was my motivation this morning. Yes, my mind is “screwy”!!!

Even though I was tired and going through the motions I did mange to get in a very good workout routine. I do find the hardest part of the day is getting out of bed and once that is out of the way it is truly all downhill. I could wallow in self-pity but again what good does that do. I want and need to make the best of each day and starting off the day exercising works great for me. After the workout it was on to the office for another fun-filled day, okay maybe just another day!!! I did enjoy the pizza for lunch and I utilized the “prison” method of storing food; no refrigeration!!! I left the box on my desk yesterday and ate the pizza today. I do believe refrigeration is a bit overrated!!!