NCPG Conference Recovery Day

I completely forgot to mention the telephone conversation I had yesterday during the conference. I was sitting in one of the sessions during the late morning yesterday and my cell phone went off. I couldn’t answer it so I let it go to voicemail. I retrieved the voicemail after the session and it was the telephone call I had been waiting for all week. I sensed this wasn’t a return call to many of my messages and had a sneaking suspicion what the message was all about. I did call back but got voicemail so I left a message and about an hour later I realized if the past is any indication of what was about to happen I wouldn’t receive any return call.

This is why I took it upon myself to call until I reached this person. Around 4 hours after I received the initial call I finally reached the person. My sneaking suspicion was right on target and the conversation was almost comical. I am not at liberty to go into details but I can say I will know next Wednesday whether or not I will be able to travel to New Jersey and drive back with my family. I have to say smiling during this exchange helped immensely. I know there is nothing I can do during this situation other then grin and bear it which is exactly what happened. In a short 9 months this final phase of my consequences will be all over and I will be able to exercise my freewill; however; until that time I will continue to recite the “Serenity Prayer” praying for the “wisdom to know the difference!!”

There was a fantastic discussion with my dear friend before we retired for the evening. The discussion was about Gamblers Anonymous and those who truly understand the program. This was fascinating because it contains an area where I need much more improvement. This dear friend who has over 40 years associated with the GA Program stated the biggest failure of members in GA does not really understand the “Higher Power” concept. The key principle is first and foremost Spirituality. The Spiritual Higher Power takes the member’s ego out of the equation and I know I have a long way to go in this area. I know I cannot do this on my own and I know there is a power greater then myself; however; I internalize this Higher Power as truly myself which is wrong.

I have a Spirit inside of me that I believe exists in every human being on this planet. I can’t really explain this Spirit but I know it is entrenched with goodness. This Spirit does exist inside of me but it is not me. I’m not sure if I am being clear or for that matter making any sense. I believe in a Higher Power which I define as a “Spirit”. I thought for a long time probably up until last night that this Spirit was truly me. It is not me it is of me. I know I have chased trying to control my compulsive gambling addiction for over twenty years to no avail until I arrived at GA over three years ago. I have come to believe in a power greater then myself last night and this power is not of this world. It is indeed a Spirit and this Spirit continues to guide me on a path of righteousness, goodness and positivism. I need and want to continue defining my Spirit and thankfully I can now remove myself from the equation.

This could be considered an “ah—ha” moment and a light bulb did go off in my head as I listened to my wise dear friend. Once I start thinking it is me doing all the work I go off track and I have been off track for the past three years. It took a five minute conversation for me to realize I was indeed off track and now I hope to get back on track with the assistance of my Higher Power. I am so happy I was able to share a room with my dear friend because I learned so much over these past three days. This was a kin to a recovery retreat and a counseling session all wrapped up into one. I listened intently and will take these lessons to heart.

This morning I was awake early and went down to the hotel’s fitness center for the early morning workout. I enjoyed riding the cycle yesterday because it is a newer version of the very old one’s at my regular gym. The only issue I had this morning that the fitness center was very warm almost like a sauna. I could feel this in the first five minutes as I started dripping with sweat. I couldn’t do nearly the intensity I did yesterday because of the heat but I still managed to get in a good workout. The workout was over and I headed back up to the room where I got ready for the day.

Today was the final day of the Conference indeed and was designated a “recovery day” with full invitation to my brethren in the GA fellowship. I was greeted by many familiar faces as I made my way to the conference rooms. I had been looking forward to this particular day and it certainly didn’t disappoint. The opening speaker was one of the country’s leading researcher, psychiatrist and overall expert on problem gambling.

I had done a session with this person prior to my sentencing and was given a written report explaining my compulsive gambling experiences. Even though he is a very intelligent person and was dealing with some very sophisticated terms and techniques; he had a way to “dumb it down” for the lay people such as myself. It was funny because the medical descriptions only discovered some 20 years ago regarding problem gamblers mimicked the words in the GA Combo book written 50 years ago. The good folks who founded GA were way ahead of their time.

When the very eloquent speaker was finished I went to the session called “Women in Recovery”. I had heard about this session last night from the lady I shared something other then being in GA as we both have spent time in prison. By the way I would be remiss if I didn’t provide a link to her book and her wonderful website which helps women from all over the world recover from compulsive gambling. I wanted to see this session because it went beyond just women in recovery as it was about recovery. The session was well attended in fact over the past three days this session had the biggest attendance and was well received. This was a very special session I am so happy I attended.

The next session was titled “Self Forgiveness and Recovery from Compulsive Gambling” presented by one of the pioneers in the field of treatment of compulsive gamblers. The subject matter encompassed the 12 steps from GA as it relates to forgiveness for the compulsive gambler. This was fascinating and was exactly like working the 12 steps of recovery with a clinical twist. The first three steps deal with shame, the next six steps deal with guilt and the final three steps maintain a sane way of life. I did get a great deal out of this session and hopefully those in attendance not associated with a 12 step program understood the material because it does apply to those not in recoveries.

The lunch session was complete with a wonderful speaker who has over 28 years in the GA Program and someone who has given their life to the program. This person was very instrumental to me when I was in prison providing me with the monthly GA newsletter and keeping me connected to the program. There are so many heart warming stories in GA and this was another of those heart warming stories. The final session I attended was titled, “Working the GA Program” presented by four long time incredible GA members. This also dissected the 12 steps of recovery and certainly made a great deal of sense. The central theme was of a Higher Power vis-à-vis Spirituality. This was a wonderful way to complete the recovery day and I did learn many things today. The idea of adding recovery to the conference was a phenomenal idea which enhanced the conference greater. I had a wonderful time and God willing I will be associated with these conferences in the future.