Not so much "Guts"

I made it back home from the conference and stopped at my favorite pizza place on the way. I had missed my usual Wednesday evening meeting with my dear friend who owns the restaurant so I decided to stop in. This wasn’t the best time to talk because Saturday evening they are very busy and this was the case last night. I talked for a little while but we would reconvene this Wednesday evening. This is a very good friend and I am continually amazed as to how many very good friends I actually seem to have. I am blessed in every possible aspect of my life.

I got back to the house unpacked, had some pizza and relaxed for the evening. We were one short for the usual Saturday evening of the Suze Orman Show and Deal or No Deal so our tradition has come to an end. If everything goes well this week next Saturday evening I will be in our house unpacking a few boxes which I will relish. These Saturday evenings have passed so very quickly and I am very grateful to my good friends for putting up with me over these four months and I mean that in every sense of “putting up with me”!!!

The evening came to an end and I thought more about the conference over the past three days. The final day (Recovery Day) was the brainchild of a good friend who thought it would be a great idea to add the element of recovery and Gamblers Anonymous into the Conference. I was surprised how many of the “clinical” and “professional” stayed around for the final day. It seemed every seat was just about occupied for the morning session and the attendance at the sessions I ventured into was better then the previous two days. This was a great idea and hopefully the “clinical” and “professional” people understand the power of Gamblers Anonymous.

I know a few months ago I had hoped to speak at the conference especially on the last day of recovery. However; as events transpired I didn’t have the opportunity to speak and I think this was a positive. My motives for speaking weren’t very good and at the time it would be only self-serving for me. This is wrong and I don’t want to be self-serving I was to serve others. The people who presented at the recovery sessions were excellent and I learned many things from these events. Everything does happen for a reason and it was good for me to sit back and listen. I know as long as I continue doing the right things which is embracing recovery/GA every day of my life there will be other opportunities to give back. However; for now I need to learn more about myself and my recovery which I certainly did over these past three days.

I have had some remarkable experiences in the short four months since my release from prison and I am grateful for all these experiences. I did have an encounter (that sounds so stark but I couldn’t find a better word!) with a person I used to work with who was at the conference and attended one of the sessions I had also attended. I hadn’t seen this person in over three years and really did not recognize this person at first. I actually stared at the person for a few seconds saying to myself, “that person looks so familiar” then one of my friends told me the person’s name and automatically connected the face with the name. I didn’t have the guts to go up to the person and say hello because I am still a little squeamish when I see a person from my past especially from my old employer. This certainly was inevitable in this setting and was surprised I didn’t see any other ex-colleagues. Hopefully I will get to a point in my recovery where I feel comfortable enough to say hello but for now I made myself scarce and faded into the crowd.

This may not have been the best course of action as it really is just avoidance. I am still taking the path of least resistance and need to get up some more guts in these encounters. It truly is what it is and if I continue to work in the field of problem gambling I will have more of these encounters so I need to really forgive myself. I have forgiven myself but in circumstances such as these I truly haven’t fully forgiven myself. There is no harm in saying hello and the worst thing that can happen is the other person doesn’t say hello in return. I need to get over it and I will make it a point the next time I run across somewhere from my past to just say hello.

I lounged around in bed this morning for an hour or so just relaxing. This would be my last Sunday of really no activity. I have a plan which could be derailed at any point but it is a plan nonetheless, that I will be moving next weekend in preparation for the return of my family so I just took it easy today. I did venture out to the gym and ran 13 miles (this really is taking it easy for me!) which felt very good. The run always seem to help clear my head and get me off to a good start for the day. I wasn’t in any hurry at the gym and spent most of the morning there.

I did call two dear friends for some information and these are two very dear friends who have been incredible over these past three years. As I mentioned earlier I am blessed with so many true friends and these are two of them. We are very fortunate to be going back to the same neighborhood where these two friends live and I look forward to reconnecting with these dear friends on a daily basis. I needed some advice and was given the advice regarding the house we are moving into, and all is well. I also inquired about other house related items and was given those thoughts as well.

This is going to be a very exciting week as I prepare the new house and prepare for the arrival of my family. I will know on Wednesday whether or not I will be able to travel to New Jersey and I am looking forward to that decision. I know everything is working out for the very best and will continue to work out for the very best.