Process of Acceptance

The concept of acceptance is great in theory and equally great in practice. However; sometimes in reality getting to the acceptance stage is a process. Fortunately as I continue in recovery this process gets shorter and shorter making the difficult situations more palatable. Specifically today I was faced with this situation. I had been hoping to receive some type of confirmation on my cross country trip which is scheduled in less then two weeks. I finally spoke with the person who is responsible for rendering a decision on whether or not I can make this trip. Well acceptance most certainly came into play because I was incorrect into thinking this person would render a decision as the buck has been passed. Not only has the buck been passed but the person allegedly in charge of rendering this decision is on vacation and won’t be back for another week.

Timing really isn’t much of an issue and I can wait the extra week and if need be I can postpone my departure to New Jersey another week or so. However; with this postponement means I am missing yet another week of my family. It is closing in on the one year mark since I last physically saw my children. In the past two years I have seen my children 8 days of that time. I am not eliciting sympathy because this is my entire fault for what I have done to my family. I am just stating the obvious and it is all part of the consequences of my compulsive gambling addiction. Thankfully in recovery from this awful disease I can seek acceptance of myself and others.

The process of acceptance was tested today for me because in a span of less then three minutes I went from being elated to feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. There isn’t much I can do about this other then grin and bear it. Thankfully I do have a “plan B” because of a dear friend but void of this “plan B” all I can do is endure more of the consequences caused by my actions. I realize my life is still not my own and like a child who needs permission to do certain things I too need permission to do certain things. What I believe to be positive things don’t seem to translate into anything but a nuisance. I don’t mean to be a nuisance and after my family returns I will have no need for any further interaction. However; in the meantime I need to endure the feelings of being punched in the stomach.

It all comes down to recovery and the fact that I finally have peace of mind. I refuse to have an outsider influence my peace of mind. As I explained to my daughter today we all have choices and these choices are quite simple (at least for me). I can choose to be miserable and wallow in self pity or I can choose to be happy facing the world with a positive state of being. I’m not sure if my 10 year old daughter understood what I was trying to say because it has taken me 40 years to understand these concepts.

Each day I wake up and the choice is mine to have a good day or a bad day. Of course there are external factors such as the one today but it won’t deter me from having a good day. I took many deep breaths and tried to explain myself to the best of my ability and truly it is what it is. I would like to have a better relationship but I cannot control the other party as much as I would want to this is impossible. I need to draw on my recovery and the fact that this is my lot in life at this present time. As the great philosopher once said, “this too shall pass” and yes, it will. The most difficult part is enduring the frustration which is all part of these consequences. I know everything will work out for the very best because this is a constant in my life as I continue living in recovery.

After this frustrating moment I had the very good fortune to meet a person that actually knows my father from their high school days. This was a most unlikely (or was it?) meeting as my father went to high school in New Jersey over 45 years ago yet here I was having an excellent lunch with a person who knew my father over 45 years ago. There was certainly a connection and like it or not I do believe everyone in this world is connected. Some of these connections are obvious such as my meeting today as we had so many things in common. There are other connections like the one I experienced earlier in the day that don’t seem so obvious yet we are all Spiritual beings having a human experience which I need to remind myself constantly.

I didn’t need to remind myself this as we talked all through lunch. There was a reason the two of us were meeting as this stage in our lives and who knows what will come of this but I am very encouraged. We talked about “The Power of Intention”, “The Secret” and other Spiritual issues. This was a perfect discussion because I can see my intention starting to develop. There are many things swirling and circulating in my life and eventually these things will merge. In the meantime this is all part of this process and life itself is a process. Thankfully the process in my life is wonderful and good things are in abundance.

I worked today because I played golf yesterday which meant I was the only one in the office. I use the work liberally because I didn’t do much work this afternoon as I discovered the United States Golf Open was being televised on the internet concentrating on the pairing of Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. I couldn’t pull myself away from the screen as I was riveted watching the telecast. I have always been a huge Tiger Woods fan and love how he plays golf. I am not a big fan of Phil Mickelson but the more I watch him the more I start to like him as well. Tiger played great in spite of a painful left knee which was operated on not too long ago. He is a special person and has been given some special gifts. The amazing part is Tiger Woods knows how to harness these gifts and it was wonderful watching him play today.

I didn’t have much planned this weekend but I thought I would continue my golf odyssey tomorrow as well. I am playing with a good friend from GA since I found one of those great golf deals on the internet. I won’t be doing this when my family comes back so I am trying to fill my days over this Father’s Day weekend. It appears this will be yet another golf weekend for me.