Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to everyone especially my Dad. Dad I love you and I think you know how sorry I am to have disappointed you. I hope you had a great Father's Day. My wife and children allowed me to watch the U.S. Golf Open uninterrupted which is always a good thing.

Earlier today we went to a church service. This church service was very unlike any other church service my wife and I have attended. It was a Bible study. I didn't really understand what a Bible study church service was about but I understand now. The first 30 minutes of the service was filled with Christian music which was very good. The next 30 minutes was led by the Pastor (who incidentally is the husband of my daughter's first grade teacher and he appears to be a wonderful person just like his wife) reading passages out of the Bible. He would then interpret each passage into common everyday English and he would also relate those passages to everyday life. The services was very interesting and coming from a Catholic background very different. My wife is certainly more Catholic than I and I think she was having a hard time with the lack of structure in the service. Catholic mass is very structured and Bible Church Study is more like a college lecture on the Scripture. The end result in any religion should be the same which is having faith in something other than yourself. Sometimes this message gets lost in the politics of the church or the personalities of the priest but in the end you should walk away with a better understanding of this higher power.

The Bible Study also hosts Sunday school for the children. We were very fortunate today because my daughter's first grade teacher was leading one of the classes. At first my son and daughter didn't want to go to the Sunday School; however; my daughter wanted to go to the class taught by her teacher. This class was designated for children a little older than my daughter; however; her teacher (being the WONDERFUL person she is) said she would take her in this class without any problem. Now my son (who is 4) wanted to go to the same class with his sister and of course her teacher obliged. I was a little worried about my son because he seems to have a hard time sitting still but when we came back to the classroom an hour later he was sitting in the same seat and seemed very interested in the class. Now I know my daughter's first grade teacher is a MIRACLE WORKER because she held his attention for that long and didn't have any problems with him!! She even commented that he (my son) is going to be a great student because he is so serious. My wife and I were both shocked and amazed.

It was a very good day and there are more positive aspects of my life than negatives. Yes, this is a low point in my life but each day I continue to grow and will be the person I am destined to be. One last item; yesterday someone at our Gamblers Anonymous meeting was talking about finally being "cracked open" to fully comprehend they had a gambling addiction. I was "cracked open" 111 days and instead of bleeding to death I chose to rebuild myself into a better person.

A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Baby Gracie who turns one today, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

365 Days

My attorney's other embezzlement client received his sentence today. He was sentenced to 365 days in the County Jail, he has already served 4 days so his exact sentence is 361 days. However; if he behaves properly he will only have to serve 7 months to complete his one year commitment and my attorney has taken it a bit farther stating the County Jail is so overcrowded they are "throwing out" non-violent offenders sooner than the 7 months. I guess it beats the 12 years he was originally quoted.

An interesting note; the assistant district attorney handling my case sat in on the sentencing because the original assistant district attorney went on vacation, I don't know if this is good or bad. I also don't know if I should "expect" this type sentence to be the "worst" case scenario or the "best" case scenario or just another scenario. There are many similarities in the case such as the Judge, my attorney, the assistant district attorney and the gambling induced embezzlement issue. (Which my attorney did not play up because he stated his other client had "taken care" of his gambling problem on his own, I can only hope this person has learned his lesson just like many of you can only hope I have learned my lesson. I have said this before willpower alone only got me so far and I have finally found the support I need to fully comprehend this gambling addiction of mine.)

In addition to his 365 day County Jail sentence he will be on probation for the next 5 years. The terms of his probation are as follows:

FORMAL PROBATION IS GRANTED FOR A PERIOD OF 60 MONTHS UNDER THE FOLLOWING TERMS AND CONDITIONS:

1) OBEY ALL LAWS AND ORDINANCES.

2) BE COMMITTED TO CUSTODY OF RSO FOR MODERATE PERIOD OF TIME, 365 DAYS;

3) PAY RESTITUTION FINE OF $200.00 PURSUANT TO 1202.4(B) PC TO THE COURT AS DIRECTED BY FINANCIAL SERVICES

4) SUBMIT TO IMMED SEARCH OF PERSON,AUTO,HOME,PREMISES,GARAGE,STORAGE AREAS & PERSONAL/LEASED PROPERTY WITH OR W/O CAUSE BY PO OR LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER

5) NOT HAVE ANY CHECKING ACCOUNT AND NOT POSSESS ANY CHECKS AND CREDIT CARDS;

6) NOT HAVE BUSINESS DEALINGS W/ANY PERSON WHICH YOU OR ANYONE ASSOC W/YOU RECEIVES MONEY OR OTHER CONSIDERATION IN ADV OF PROVIDING PRODUCT OR SERVICE

7) NOT ENTER INTO ANY BUSINESS TRANSACTION INVOLVING NON-WRITTEN REPRESENTATIONS BY YOU OR ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH YOU;

8) DO NOT ACCEPT OR WORK IN ANY POSITION WHERE YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR RECEIVING OR ACCEPTING ANY TYPE OF MONEY ON BEHALF OF YOUR EMPLOYER;

9) PARTICIPATE &COMPLETE AT YOUR EXPENSE COUNSELING REHAB OR TREATMT PROGRAM DEEMED APPROPRIATE BY PO AND AUTHORIZE RELEASE OF INFO.RELATIVE TO PROGRESS;

10) NOT ASSOCIATE WITH ANY UNRELATED PERSON ON PROBATION OR PAROLE.

11) RESIDE AT A RESIDENCE APPROVED BY THE PROBATION OFFICER AND NOT MOVE WITHOUT PRIOR CONSENT OF THE PROBATION OFFICER.

12) SEEK/MAINTAIN GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT AND/OR ATTEND A FULL-TIME SCHOOL OR VOCATIONAL PROGRAM;

13)REPORT TO PROBATION OFFICER IMMEDIATELY OR WITHIN 2 DAYS OF RELEASE FROM CUSTODY FOR INITIAL INSTRUCTIONS, AND FOLLOW ALL REASONABLE DIRECTIVES OF PO.

14) REPORT ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT CONTACTS TO THE PROBATION OFFICER WITHIN 48 HOURS

15) PROVIDE DNA SAMPLE AS DIRECTED BY THE PROBATION OFFICER OR LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL PURSUANT TO SECTION 296 PENAL CODE. AUTHORIZED AGENCY TO SUBMIT SPECIMENS TO DOJ FOR ANALYSIS. DEFENDANT TO SUBMIT PROOF OF COMPLIANCE TO PROBATION OFFICER WITHIN 30 DAYS.

16) ADDED TERM: COMPLY WITH THE TERMS OF CONTACT WITH THE HARTFORD INSURANCE COMPANY.

I would expect to have a similar type probationary program but I don't understand number 5 "not have a checking account", I guess he will use money orders. I also don't understand number 15; maybe the DNA sample is fed into a database for known felons and I guess it applies to all felons.

Yes, I was kind of hoping he would have received house arrest because the County Jail is where I was for five days and it certainly is not a place to be rehabilitated but I have to take what is coming to me. I caused this mess and have to face all the consequences.

Eight Years

Today was a court date and it was the first time it hadn't been on a Tuesday. Guess what happened? You got it; NOTHING, well sort of NOTHING but I can see some decisions that need to be made on the not so distant horizon. I wrote earlier about how I can possibly save our house to keep some consistency for the family. My attorney proposed the matter to the Judge and the Assistant District Attorney and they all seemed to be in agreement (somewhat). The Assistant District Attorney requested an appraisal (I thought this was supposed to be done prior today's court appointment but I guess this is how the judicial system operates) to be done. I guess he wants to ensure we are not giving the house away which makes sense (I guess). Also, my attorney finally found out from the Assistant District Attorney what type of jail time he is requesting from me which was EIGHT YEARS. My attorney was a little hesitant to tell me but he has an obligation to share this with me and he told me the 8 years but I would only (????) serve 4. My attorney said that there is no way he would accept this offer (which is good) but I guess the Assistant District Attorney has to start somewhere.

I think I wrote about the other embezzlement case my attorney has but I will refresh your memory. A city inspector embezzled $260,000 from the city where he worked due to a gambling problem. The city inspector only had $100,000 in restitution and the (a different one from mine) Assistant District Attorney's first offer was 12 years. I am not sure why his first offer was 12 years and my first offer was 8 years considering my alleged amount is greater but who am I to argue. This case goes to sentencing tomorrow and I am very interested to see what the Judge's (ultimately the Judge decides the sentence not the Assistant District Attorney) final sentence is. This has a direct bearing on my case (I hope?). I will let everyone know tomorrow what this person's final sentence comes out to be.

Obviously it is days like today that are very difficult because the past is thrown back into my face. I have to face up to these consequences because I created them. Yes, it is difficult but I have a tremendous support system behind me and not matter what happens I will get through this very dark time. Also, when my attorney told me about the 8 years it hit very hard even if I have to serve only (ONLY???) 4 years. This is a formative part of my children's lives and I really don't want to miss any of it but I will have to do what is required of me because again I caused this misery. It took me 20 plus years to get this horrible point in my life but I have so many things in my life to be thankful for and I will become a much better person because of this dilemma.

By the way we felt another earthquake today, two in five days and the fifth one since we have been living on the West Coast. This one felt different than the one on Sunday. It was more of a rolling feeling as opposed to the one Sunday which had a violent shaking feeling. The earthquake today was smaller (4.9 on the Richter Scale) than the one on Sunday and the earthquake today was centered around 75 miles northeast from where we live. This was the third earthquake California has had in the past five days. There was a very large (7.0 on the Richter Scale) earthquake in the Pacific Ocean off of Northern California on Tuesday. Maybe those folks in Nevada will have beach front property before the year is out!!!

Honesty?

Is honesty the best policy?? For most of my life I have been a little less than honest (snicker snicker!!). I haven't been honest with my family and myself for a very long time. In the past I used honesty very selectively. This has all changed in the past 3 1/2 months, I have been the most honest I have been in my life. I have been honest with my family and myself, yes, it does feel good. However; today I had an interview for probably the only gaming position in the United States which my current situation doesn't automatically rule me ineligible. This particular gaming venue is not regulated and yes, it is still legal. The company is based in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida and they run the cruise to nowhere gambling boats. I think they have five boats all together; one in South Carolina and the rest in Florida.

I interviewed with the Chief Financial Officer over the telephone today for about an hour. It went very well and he wanted me to fly to Florida. Now, I knew there was a good possibility that the company wouldn't find about my current situation because they are not regulated which means their background checks aren't done comprehensively. However; I am still in a legal situation and I have no idea how long this is going to drag out until there is some type of an agreement. If I were to take the position in Florida I would have to make some type of an arrangement to come back to California while the legal proceeding continued and this would be very difficult to "hide". Also, with my new found honesty program I couldn't in good conscience NOT disclose what was going on so I told the CFO about my current situation and he said the obvious; "I can't do anything until the situation is resolved". This is entirely understandable and I had expected this comment. Any illusions of me working in the Gaming industry at least in the United States are gone. I have to move on and just get a job so I can support my family. Yes, I have given myself the ultimate in career changing moments and I finally realized this.

Yesterday, I spoke with the President of the National Council for Problem Gambling about any opportunities they may have such as training or public speaking. This gentleman was very nice and we spoke at length. He thinks my background is a "natural" for training the casino industry on problem gambling and he is correct. I know the casino industry very well and I know (intimately) how to recognize a problem gambler. He referred me to a few people that may have something and he will feature my compulsive gambler true story in their monthly newsletter next month. He said, this may garner some attention in a positive manner. There really is no turning back, I am a Compulsive Gambler and maybe my story will help one person but most importantly each time my story is told it helps me.

I was sent this site please check it out it is AMAZING, here it is http://dailymotivator.com/memberflash/rightnow.html

Willie Wonka

There are some movies which transcend time and Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is one of them. My children really like this movie along with The Wizard of Oz, Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. All of these movies are well over thirty-five years old. I had the pleasure of watching Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with my two children sitting on my lap (having my children by my side really puts life in its proper prospective). The movie even held my four year old's attention which is quite a feet!!! No matter when a movie is made if it is a GREAT movie it will play in any generation. I understand they are remaking Willie Wonka and it is due out in theaters some time this summer. If a movie is a great movie why would you do it again? The obvious answer is MONEY but why mess with perfection. No matter how good the second Willie Wonka movie is there is only one original. I believe Johnny Depp is playing Willie Wonka in the new version and this is a good casting call because he is a very gifted actor but there is only one Gene Wilder and thus only one Willie Wonka. I could be wrong about the remake of Willie Wonka but if my 7 and 4 year old like a thirty-five year old movie why mess with it????

I received a wonderful email from my older sister. I know she has had her problems with what I did and really who hasn't. However; she made me feel very good today with some wonderful words. This email meant a great deal to me. She is a wonderful mother and she is a wonderful person. I have some very great people in my family and they all have shown their true character during this very difficult time. I love them all. One more item about my sister, she truly has three exceptional children. I spoke about her oldest daughter last night with the great softball game. Her only son plays a mean saxophone and at 12 years old plays at a Jazz Club on Sundays, how cool is that!! Finally, her youngest daughter is my daughter's soul mate. These two are very different; however; when they get together no one else in the world matters as long as they have each other. My sister is truly blessed and I am truly blessed to be surrounded by these magnificent people.

Earthquake

One of the down falls of living in a place with quite possibly the best weather of anywhere on the planet is dealing with a natural disaster. This morning at 8:41 am we had an earthquake. We have been living on the West Coast for 11 1/2 years and in this time we have only experienced 4 earthquakes, 1 in Las Vegas and 3 in Southern California. Today's earthquake was the most profound because it occurred 25 miles from our house. As earthquakes go it was categorized as moderate quake at 5.6 on the Richter Scale but I think the seismologists were downgrading it to a 5.5 (like this really matters, probably to them and no one else!!). This earthquake was very different than the other 3 because of the intensity. The house shook twice, at first subtly and then what seemed like violently. The shaking lasted about 5 seconds but that 5 seconds is a long time when you are really not sure what is happening. There was no damage to our house but the children were very concerned. Jonathan (my son) was already in our bedroom but he went to get something in his bedroom and came running back asking "what was that?". My daughter (Lauren) was still in her bedroom but came running toward our bedroom as well asking the same question with a very concerned look on her face. My wife and I had the same answer, "it was an earthquake". Like I stated we had no damage and luckily there was no damage in the area. The earthquake was centered in a remote area where there is mostly desert but it was felt in San Diego (60 miles away) and Los Angeles (90 miles away). I was very surprised to see there wasn't any significant damage anywhere, thank goodness. I guess my wife and I are true West Coast people because the earthquake didn't seem to faze either one of us. It was just another beautiful day in Southern California.

We spent most of the afternoon cleaning out the garage, we have a lot of STUFF. We mostly re-arranged the STUFF but managed to sweep out the garage. By the way the STUFF mostly consists of the children's toys; bicycles, skateboards, scooters, sports equipment, etc.. We were able to accomplish our objective which was to clear a path to the refrigerator in the garage and arrange the STUFF neatly.

I wanted to follow-up on my forgiveness statement of yesterday. I want to impress to everyone that I am in no way forgiving and forgetting. First and foremost I have to forgive myself for my past deeds or I will not be able to move forward. Secondly, I CANNOT forget what I have done to myself and my family because I do not want any repeat offenses in the years to come. It is a balancing act, true forgiveness does not mean forgetting. One of the reasons of having this blog is to not forget the past but put it in its proper prospective. What's done is done and no one can change those facts. I had a horrible case of denial and it took a cataclysmic ending to finally succumb to the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. I fought this feeling for a number of years and now I realize how bad I was.

Full Day

Today started out at 6:00 am. My daughter and I were attending her Brownie (part of the Girl Scouts) father/daughter bowling event at 7:00 am. It was a wonderful event where all the fathers got to take their daughters bowling for two hours and it also included a pancake breakfast. My daughter finished her school year yesterday so technically this was her first day of summer vacation. Much to my surprise before I entered the shower my daughter came into our bedroom fully dressed and ready to go at 6:00 am. I wondered who this girl was because normally I have to wake her up on school days at 7:30 am. I guess the incentive of bowling with her Dad and having pancakes made her get ready so quickly!!! We had a great time and my daughter at the ripe old age of 7 is quite a bowling. She beat one of the Dads!!! Also, she is extremely competitive in anything she does. For example, she bowled a strike and 3 spares in the first game and when she wasn't getting strikes and spares she become very upset. Competitiveness is a good thing if used properly but it can be a detriment if used improperly. I tried to calm her down but she has her own way of processing situations. I can see some conflicts coming!!!

After the bowling I went to the Saturday morning GA meeting a little late. I was debating whether or not I should go but I felt I needed to attend a meeting and I am so happy I went. There was a member with 34 years in the program and he is a stalwart in the program. He gave his therapy and as always I listened intently. He touched on the subject of forgiveness and it hit home for me. Each day is a struggle for me, not the gambling aspect but living with the fact of what I have done. I tell myself to live each day at a time and I can't change the past and I don't know what the future holds so concentrate on today. When this member spoke of forgiveness he was talking about himself. I have been so focused on achieving forgiveness from everyone that I have wronged that I forgot about myself. It is so very important I forgive myself or I cannot move on. I will be stuck in the past. I thought forgiving myself would be construed as a bad sign but I have to forgive myself or I cannot change as a person. So here it goes; I know what I did to myself and my family is the most horrible thing I could do but I DID it. The key word is DID. It is over and I cannot change history. I forgive myself for these horrible deeds and this will make me a better person.

Now I thought my next sentence is a cop out but to truly forgive myself I must make this statement. I did the things I did because I was compelled by an uncontrollable desire to place my next bet. This is not the person I am this was an addiction (some call it a disease) taking over my mind. I could not control this addiction and it cost me dearly. I forgive myself and I am taking the necessary steps to ensure this addiction doesn't rear its ugly head again. There it is and now I can move on.

This evening we attended a farewell barbecue to one of our beloved GA members. He is moving to Wisconsin to be near his family. He has the desire to be the father he couldn't be when he was gambling. This member is charming, has a wonderful sense of humor and best of all he understands the GA program thoroughly. It is not only attending meetings that makes the program it is becoming involved that makes the program work. I have only known him three months but we both have a great deal in common. I consider him a friend and wish him the best of everything.

Finally, I want to congratulate my niece Lisa for having the softball game of her young career. Lisa is a pitcher and has worked very hard at it with her father. All of the training paid off today. She was playing for the championship a championship (as I understand it) that not many people believed her team would get to. Nonetheless, Lisa led her time by pitching a one-hitter, striking out 12 batters and scoring two of her teams four runs. Her team won the game 4-0 and received a huge trophy which they will place with great pleasure in her school. Way to go Lisa we are so proud of you!!!

School's Out

Today was the last day of school for my wonderful first grade daughter. It is hard to imagine she is going into second grade, my where has the time gone. It seems just like yesterday we were welcoming her into the world. I will never forget the first time I saw her big beautiful blue eyes, I think she was 5 seconds old. The doctor gave her over to my wife and my daughter was not crying she was looking all over the hospital room and our eyes met, I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life, I was mesmerized. I would do anything for her.

One of the blessings that comes with my current situation is I am able to attend all of my daughter's school functions. In the past I would attend her function and run back to work, oh how silly I was!! Now, I am able to take in the whole experience. Today the 1st grades were celebrating the last day with a luau. There was a limbo contest, sack races, change your clothes and boot races, face painting, hula hoops, jump ropes and fill the bucket races. It was a wonderful way to celebrate the last day of the school year. It was quite different from my last day of first grade 32 years ago. We were required to go to school for 180 days a year and on the 180th day we went in for an hour and a half. There wasn't a luau or games to play the entire hour and a half was spent going into our new grade. We were able to see our new classroom and new teacher, that was it. I do remember going into my new teacher's classroom but we I went back in September I had a different teacher in a different classroom. I guess that is one of the perk's of having a Mother teach in the same school district. Apparently, my Mother did not want me in this particular teacher's classroom so she was able to change teachers. I think it had to do with the way the teacher taught reading but I am still not sure as to why I was switched. Mom, do you remember?

I wanted to follow-up on my first GA related phone call. I was able to follow-up with the member and appears to be doing alright. The member was a little down but that is the nature of this addiction and the key to dealing with it is HONESTY. I wasn't honest for 21 years and it cost me dearly. I understand the necessity of HONESTY in dealing with my addiction and I will practice this each day.

Wonderful People

My sponsor in Gamblers Anonymous turned 15 tonight. No, he is not teenager he has been an active member of Gamblers Anonymous for 15 years which means he placed his last bet 15 years ago. I think I have written this before but I will repeat the comments about my sponsor. He is a kind, selfless, honest, humble, generous, and giving person. In short he is a wonderful human being. We celebrated his birthday at his home meeting which is 45 minutes away from where I live. There was a tremendous turnout and I met the person who started the Las Vegas Gamblers Anonymous meetings 30 years ago. This person has been an active member of GA for 37 years and even though he resided in Las Vegas 37 years ago they had no GA meetings so he had to drive 5 hours to San Diego where he attended his first meeting. Las Vegas now has the most GA meetings of any town, I believe they have over 100 meetings due to this person who is my sponsor's sponsor (got it??). I guess this makes him my grand sponsor!! He is a lovely gentleman.

Today was a very exciting day for the family. We attended my daughter's 1st grade award ceremony. It brings tears to my eyes when I look at my daughter and see how wonderful she is. (Oh, how could I do what I did knowing what a wonderful family I have? I will have to LIVE with this question the rest of my life and saying I am sorry is not nearly enough.) All of the students in her class received some type of an award whether it was a certificate of citizenship or a reading medal they all received something. My daughter has the most amazing teacher (probably) in the world. Her teacher is just like my sponsor; warm, kind, generous, patient and understanding. She is not only a wonderful teacher she is a wonderful person. Hopefully, through the grace of God my daughter will have her again for 2nd grade. There are some truly amazing people in the world and I had contact with two of them today.

100 Days

It has been 100 days since my last bet. Like I said when I hit the 90 day mark it is just another number on a lifelong journey. I must continue doing the right things or it will be disaster all over again. Today, I received my first Gamblers Anonymous member phone call. A fellow member who I met a few weeks ago went back out and gambled. He needed to talk to someone after his gambling and for some reason chose me. I felt very bad he went back out and gambled but I felt honored he chose to call me. I listened to his re-count of his gambling expedition and commended him for taking the right step and calling someone to admit he went back out and gambled. The first step is to admit you have a problem because without this admission the next 11 steps are moot. I did suggest he go to a meeting and he said he already planned to go to a meeting tomorrow. I would have liked him to go to a meeting this evening but he said he was not up to going to a meeting. I gave him a few encouraging words and told him if he had the urge to go back and gamble to call me BEFORE he goes and gambles. I will follow-up with him tomorrow. No matter how long you have in GA we are all just one bet away from going back to the insanity. I don't want that insanity anymore, I have had enough of it to last many lifetimes.

I may have solved our housing situation. I don't want to go into details because the court will have to agree to everything. I realize all logic goes out the window when dealing with the court so I will save the story when the housing situation is finally decided. If the housing situation is decided upon favorably I hope it is not construed as a bailout because all I am trying to do is stabilize my family for the short term.

I think I finally understand what my attorney is trying to do. He is trying to get all of the restitution together before any sentencing, he calls this mitigating factors. My attorney's contention is that the more you have in restitution the less the jail time. I am not sure I agree with this point because the facts of the case should be you took x amount of money and whether or not you have the same amount money to pay back in restitution your jail time should be the same because you still committed a crime. I would think there should be other mitigating factors involved as well such as; what were the circumstances surrounding the crime, how many victims are involved in the crime, were the victims truly harmed because of the crime and what is the person doing so they don't do this crime or any other crime again. Hey, like I said before common sense and logic doesn't belong in the judicial system.

Learning

Lately everyday I learn something new. Like today I didn't know Home Depot sold televisions but evidently they do!!! Maybe some of you knew this but I didn't. I don't like talking about my Gamblers Anonymous meetings because what is said in those meetings should stay in those meetings. After all it is an anonymous fellowship. Today I must share something about a wonderfully beloved fellow GA member who is moving out of our area and won't be coming to our meetings anymore. I am sure this person will continue in GA in their new home state. Ninety-nine days ago I met this person and instantly had a bond. I will truly miss their wit, wisdom and sense of humor. I wish this person the best of everything in their new home. There are some wonderful compulsive gamblers in this world and this person is one of them.

I remember something my father told me when I was 18 years old and in trouble with a bookie. He told me to never ever forget the feeling I had when I had to tell him and my mother about the substantial gambling debt. You know what I forgot that feeling and I forgot the feeling I had when I let him down a second time 11 years later. I forgot that feeling because I never reminded myself of this feeling. This is the purpose of Gamblers Anonymous to constantly remind me of what gambling did to me and my family. I repressed both events because I thought I was smarter than the average person and could kick the gambling habit by myself. Oh how wrong I was and it lead me to where I am today.

My Dad (whom I love) is really struggling with his only son (me). He really thought I had it altogether but I fooled him like I fooled everyone else including myself. There will be no more fooling just truth and someday I will earn the trust back but I completely understand it takes a very long time. I did major damage to my and my father's relationship and I do not expect any type of forgiveness. I know he feels I should be working to support my family and it is not for lack of trying but it is very difficult. I will not make excuses I will keep on trying and someday I will write about me finally getting a job but before this happens I must continue doing the right thing which is living one day at a time.

Email

I asked the producer of the Court TV documentary how he found out about me and he said I sent an email to the National Coalition Against Legalized Gaming (I am not sure why I sent my story to them but I am sure I was not looking to get on TV). The director from this council passed my email on to him and he called me after reading it. I wanted to share this email, here it is:

Dear David,

My first wager was at Pocono Downs Racetrack in Lycoming, Pennsylvania. It was a $2 show bet on the 4 horse in the 3 race. My mother convinced me to bet the horse to show because I had a better chance of winning. I took her advice and the horse won and paid $32 to win but $6.40 to show. I told my mother I would never bet to show again because I wanted to win the $32!! Also, 27 years of off and on gambling I never bet a horse to show!

When I was 16 years old a friend and I started betting on basketball games, $25 a game. We would bet with the manager that worked at the grocery store where I was working in high school. This particular manager lost everything due to gambling and he owed my friend and I $500 and never paid us. After this episode my friend and I thought we could make money betting sports. So we started to bet with a bookie who happened to be my girlfriend's (now wife) neighbor. We were 18 years old and lost $13,400 in one week betting on basketball. We started chasing our losses as soon as we were down $3,000. We were supposed to be cut off once we reached $3,000 but we convinced the bookie we were good for the money (which was a lie because we were both 18 years old and college students with no money!) and he let us finish out the week. We lost all control and ended up losing the $13,400. My Dad who was the Fire Department Captain in our town where the bookie lived and my cousin who was a New Jersey State Trooper bailed my friend and I out. They went to talk to the bookie and convinced him he was wrong taking that kind of action from two 18 year olds.

I was so scared from that episode that I didn't make a bet for the next 5 years. I graduated from college and started working at a very good job a Public Accounting firm in New York City and I started betting sports again with this same friend. All the while I never really won but loved the "action". The money part didn't matter it was whether I had something riding on a game. I couldn't understand how someone could watch a sporting event without having a wager on it. Yes, I was constantly chasing my losses and was never in control. I didn't know I was not in control because I was blinded by gambling. The "action" gave me such a rush that I would do anything and everything to make a bet. When I was 29 years old I declared personal bankruptcy due to my gambling losses. I had accumulated $88,000 in credit card debt to betting on sports. I had and will always have a sickness when it comes to gambling. I still didn't realize I had a problem because the bankruptcy allowed me to start over but I didn't seek treatment for the gambling addiction.

I didn't gamble for 4 years because my wife and I were putting the financial pieces back together and when we finally put all the pieces back together I started sports betting again. I was going to do it right this time. I paid people to give me selections on a daily basis and was going to treat it like investing. Not having self-control when it comes to sports betting I pretty much destroyed my life and the life of my family with my actions in the past 3 years. I got a great job in the casino industry, I was well respected but no one knew my secret life. I had to have action each day and that action came in the form of betting on football, basketball, baseball, hockey, soccer, golf or whatever was going on that day. I was completely out of control and still didn't realize it. I finally realized it when I was confronted by my employer for embezzling and I finally confessed to the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler.

I am in Gamblers Anonymous and I am approaching my 90 day abstinence mark but this is a life long journey. I have gone 4 and 5 years without gambling but I never received any treatment or attended any programs to help compulsive gamblers because I was unwilling to admit I had a problem. Now I get this addiction and accept the fact that I am not like normal people and cannot gamble like normal people and will never be able to gamble like normal people. The inability to control my gambling has destroyed my life and the life of my family, however, my wife for some reason is sticking with me and we will get through this. We have two wonderful children Lauren 7 years old and Jonathan 4 years old and I want to provide for them and see them grow into wonderful people.

Sincerely,

Paul

Hopefully, when the documentary airs some of my thoughts from above connect with one of the viewers and they will seek treatment before the gambling gets totally out of control. Compulsive gambling is such a progressive disorder (as witnessed by my own story and many others) and if not recognized and treated can lead to many bad things.

One final thought I spoke with my sponsor yesterday evening and told him about the interview and as always he was very supportive. He said something that made me feel very good, he told me "he was very proud of me and I am doing all the right things within my power". My sponsor has been in GA for 15 years, faced something very similar to my situation 15 years ago and if I can be half the man he is in 15 years I will be very happy.

The Interview

I spent most of today doing the Courtv interview. The interview was conducted in our living room with the producer of the documentary. Over these past two days I learned a great deal about television production and there is a lot of down time. I think one of the prerequisites to being a producer is having patience and one of the prerequisites to being a camerperson is having a thick skin. These two people work together for at least 12 to 14 hours a day and as you can imagine if you spend that kind of time with one person there is bound to be arguments. These two gentlemen (both were very good guys) didn't argue in front of me but there were some tense times when the sun wasn't reflecting properly.

The producer was asking me questions but I had to answer the questions so they would stand by themselves. When the documentary airs in December or January you will only hear me and not the producer. The producer questions will not air on the finished version. I had to keep this in mind each time I would answer a question so I wouldn't give one word answers such yes or no. I had to rephrase the question and answer the question in one cohesive thought. Hopefully, it turned out alright. I am sure when the final product airs there will be words that come out of my mouth that I will be surprised to hear but I felt very positive about the entire interview. I tried to stay as positive as possible not blame anyone but myself and I even got very emotional when I recounted that faithful day 3 months ago.

My purpose for being on this particular documentary is to show the young people who think they are going to live the good life gambling that it is a fallacy for most people. If you are not careful gambling (any form) will destroy your life and the life of your family. Hopefully I got across the point of no matter how intelligent you think you are gambling can take over your life.

Baseball Game

Yesterday evening we attended a minor league baseball game because my daughter (Lauren) was cheering with her cheerleading team. It was so very cute. At least 100 young ladies from the ages of three to twelve performed a few cheers before the baseball game. No amount of money in the world could provide the joy I had seeing my daughter perform her cheers. After the cheering was completed we all watched a minor league baseball game. The minor leagues keep the children interested because let's face it baseball is not the most fascinating sport to watch when you are four years old (my son). The team kept the interest of most young people between innings with a wonderfully funny mascot and giveaways. Each inning they were throwing tee shirts, baseballs and frisbees into the stand. My son was very upset because we didn't get anything but he was very happy to have his ice cream, oh the little things sure do go a long way. I cherish moments like these so much more and my current situation has taught me to take pride in today and I did. It was a great evening.

Yesterday I went to a casino and today I went to a racetrack. Don't be alarmed I didn't gamble nor did I have any urge to gamble. I went to a casino yesterday to have a lunch interview. It was very surreal interview because these people I had no idea about my situation and I didn't tell them. I suspect they will find out on their own but right now I am under no obligation to disclose anything, am I being dishonest? I don't want to say what the interview was for but I will say they need someone very quickly because it is a mess. Yes, it is an accounting position but it is not with a casino. I think they need a warm body and I am certainly a warm body. Whether or not I get the chance to perform the necessary functions of this position is another story. They told me they would get back to me on Tuesday. I will say it once again; God I hate what I did to myself and my family.

Today I went to a racetrack to do an interview about my current situation. It was the exact opposite of yesterday. The people interviewing me for Courtv knew my situation and I was able to answer their questions. Here is the flip side if I didn't do what I did I wouldn't have met these "TV" people and I must say they appear to be good people. I spent the entire afternoon and evening with these people and I really like them. They even took my entire family out to dinner. We are doing the second half of the interview at my house tomorrow morning. I am the anti-glamour gaming person on the documentary, think of it as "don't let this happen to you".

The reason why we filmed at a racetrack was due to the fact my first "real" bet was made at a racetrack when I was 12 years old. I think my mother remembers but I will refresh everyone else. I took $2 and went to the teller and bet the 4 horse in the 4th race to show because my mother was adamant about me betting show (3rd place), I really wanted to bet the horse to win but I listened to my mother. Well, wouldn't you know it my horse won and paid $32 to win but $6.20 to show. I collected my $6.20 and was very upset at my mother. I never bet another horse to show and never listened to my mother again!!! The exhilarating part about this wager was I placed the wager myself. I know a 12 year old shouldn't place a wager but I always looked older when I was younger (now it is the opposite which I guess is a good thing!) and I thought this was cool. This is not the reason I turned into a compulsive gambler that happened 4 years later but there was something to placing this wager and watching the race knowing I had money it. I didn't understand the sensation in my body at the time and I wouldn't fully realize this sensation until 27 years later. In fact I denied this sensation for years, in only the last 96 days do I completely understand how this sensation affected my life. Some people learn quickly I on the other hand seem to learn very slowly. I get it now!!!

Reality

I drove 65 miles each way for a 15 minute interview. What I thought was a reputable company turned out to be a "boiler room" operation. The young man that "interviewed" (I am not sure spending 15 minutes with someone constitutes an interview, but oh well!) me had a whole sheet of questions based on previous sales experience. I guess he didn't realize I had NO sales experience so we went over the basics of the job which took 2 minutes and the remaining 13 minutes consisted of a tour of the office and some small talk. By the way the basics of the position is "cold calling", this was the only thing. He asked me how I felt "cold calling" companies and I answered I have no problem cold calling anyone as long as I believe in the product and the company that supports the product. This is a strictly commissioned based position meaning if you don't sell you don't get paid. I know my situation is dire but driving an hour and 10 minutes without traffic each way to "cold call" companies with no guarantee of anything does not make me very enthusiastic, maybe it is my reality but I could find something closer to home so I wouldn't get killed by the gas prices. Again, sorry to disappoint those that believe I should get any job. I will turn my sights on the car dealerships next week at least they are close to home.

It has been a tough few days and I would suspect the days won't get any easier but I have my health and my family. These two things mean a great deal to me and I need to continue to concentrate on the positive aspects of my life. I also need to continue to make the progressive character change so I don't repeat the mistakes of the past. Finally, I need to focus on today because this is the only certainty we all have.

Feelings

Some days are certainly better than other days and today was one of those "other" days. I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and for my family but what good does that do, NO GOOD!! I did what I did and I can't change that, all the wishing and hoping won't change a thing. What I have is today and what I have is a WONDERFUL family. I have an unbelievable wife and two awesome children, no matter what happens to me you can't take that away. I love them with all my heart and soul. Without them I am nothing and knowing I have them in my life keeps me going. Yes, it is very hard to come to terms with what I did to everyone (including myself) and I don't know if I will ever come to terms with it but I can't wallow in self pity, I have no right. The full measure of a person comes in adverse times and these are adverse times, only time will tell how this adversity was dealt with.

I am going on an interview tomorrow for an Internet Consultant position. It seems like everyone is an Internet Consultant!!! It appears to be a real job with a real company. Here is their website www.z57.com and no it is not MLM or network marketing it is an inside sales position. I have to take what I can get, beggars cannot not be choosy. I will fill everyone in tomorrow.

Same Old....

Today was a court appearance and the same old same old happened which is NOTHING!!! We were delayed again until June 16th. Apparently the Assistant District Attorney handling my case believes an unfinished pool does nothing to the value of the house; meaning; if we sold the house now with a pool 60% complete we would still get the same price for the house if the pool were fully completed. It makes no sense to me. I would think he (Assistant District Attorney) would want to get the most value for the house because this amount will go back to the victim. Instead he appears to be wasting taxpayers dollars by delaying the inevitable. Now we have to get two appraisals; one with the pool incomplete and one with the pool completed. I would hope the completed pool appraisal would be higher but who knows at this stage.

What we didn't realize or may have been miscommunication from my attorney is the house is going to be sold sooner as opposed to later. I thought we would get money released for the mortgage payment and it would take 12 to 18 months for any disposition on the case. This is not correct, we are going to have to sell the house in the next few months which brings up more questions. Where are we going to live? Housing and rental prices are not cheap in our area and we would be paying the same as our mortgage in rent so does it make any sense to sell the house now or later. If I were to settle my case currently I would get a bad deal because there are charges that are simply not correct but we aren't at the evidence stage. My attorney's plan is to drag this case out for as long as possible because in his experience this nets the best deal. If we were to sell the house now we would have X amount more toward restitution but no place to live. If we wait and sell the house when we HAVE to sell the house we would have the same restitution but a place to live.

My wonderful friend came up with a possible plan to save the house but there are so many variables I am afraid it may not work. He would buy our house with a partner and we would agree to rent the house back by paying the mortgage. There is more to this but I we leave out the details. This way we would have an amount for restitution and place to live. This would eliminate any realtors fees because if the court appoints someone they surely would take 6% in commissions off the top. He also suggested leaving the pool as is but having the amount owed on the pool as part of the escrow instructions, this way the pool will be completed. Who knows what is going to happen but if you want to invest in a house please let me know!!

I am an idiot to do what I did to my family they are the true victims, I am so very sorry. I know someday I will be able to make complete amends to everyone but I sure don't like myself right now.

Memorial Day

I hope everyone is having a happy Memorial Day? Does this make sense? Can one truly have a happy Memorial Day? Isn't the purpose of Memorial Day to remember those that have given their lives for this country? We certainly can't be happy that those remarkable service men and women have given their lives for our country but we can be grateful. My grandfather Ted served in the United States Navy during World War II. I remember him telling me about the battle of Midway when I was 8 years old. He was a remarkable man with a vibrant personality. He passed away when he was 56 years old he succumbed to pneumonia and cancer. I was 11 years old when he passed away but I will always remember him.

Although I may not agree with the politics involved in our current war but I am very grateful to those men and women who are currently serving our country, I thank each and everyone.

I have spent the entire morning sending out resumes for jobs ranging in Accounting to Sales to Restaurant Services. I know something will happen soon. I am intelligent and now more than ever I will be the ultimate employee, I just need someone to give me a chance because I will excel in whatever position.

Lastly, tomorrow is court and we will not re-hash what has happened because NOTHING has happened. Here is hoping tomorrow will be different than the last three court appearances and something will happen. Interesting note, I received an email for my old position. If anyone is interested in seeing what I used to do here is the link; http://www.casinocareers.com/jobdetails.cfm?jobid=9512

Sick

I was wondering when I was going to catch my cold because everyone in my family has been sick. Well wonder know more, I finally caught the cold. I usually get sick once a year and usually there is one bad day when my nose runs constantly, today is that day. Also, judging by all the stress I have inflicted on myself I am very surprised to make it this far without getting sick. I will rest and drink a lot of fluids and should be fine for Tuesday's court date.

Today is my 90th day of abstinence and it is a big day in Gambler's Anonymous terms but really in my personal recovery it is just another day. It is a big day in GA's terms because I am now eligible to get more involved with the program. I am eligible to join committees and host meetings. I certainly want to get more involved but I will take it just like I am taking my recovery one day at time.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend.

Skeptic

There is a skeptic in my family that has a hard time believing I am a compulsive gambler. I don't fit the profile of a compulsive gambler perfectly. I have always been there for my wife and children. I didn't go off on gambling binges and disappeared for days at time. I would always try and make my children's school functions and I do consider myself a very good father. I also consider myself a good friend and I was a very good boss. I am very compassionate to just about anyone. I was the person at my former employment where everyone would turn to because I would listen and help with whatever problem. For these reasons it is very hard for someone to believe I did what I did. There were two sides of me; the compassionate good husband and father and the person that had to have some type of action on a game. I tried to hide the addict from everyone including myself for a very long time and I was very successful until my subconscious cries for help were answered 88 days ago.

My wife and I moved to Las Vegas in 1994 because the town was very approvals and there were many opportunities. However; the main reason, I was enamored with the gaming industry. I always wanted to work in the gaming industry. When I got my first job as an Internal Auditor at Harrahs in Las Vegas I was so happy and couldn't believe I was working at an actual casino. This meant I couldn't gamble at Harrahs which was fine by me. I didn't want to gamble in Las Vegas anyway because I knew we would lose everything and I would blow my opportunity in the gaming industry. Something changed over the years. I still didn't want to gamble in Vegas while I was living there but I discovered the internet and I could wager on sports on the internet. I thought the internet was a great venue to wager on sports because you had to post up the money. This means I would have to send the money to the internet sportsbook before wagering, they didn't take credit. I had gotten into trouble when I bet on credit with local bookies so I saw sending the money as way of control because I couldn't wager with money I didn't have----this was mistake number 1. These internet sportsbooks took credit cards and that is just like betting on credit. At first I won, I actually won $3,000 and asked for a payout; however; this particular internet sportsbook refused to pay me. I was relentless and tracked down the owner in Florida (by the way this is illegal because the owner should have been somewhere offshore not in the United States) and the owner agreed to settle with me for 50 cents on the dollar and I received a check for $1500. Incidentally, this is how I met my future gambling buddy Dave because he had the same problem and somehow got to talking and I still talk to him today. He is one of the few friends I have left.

One would think after this incident I would stop betting on the internet because even if you win you may still lose. This didn't stop me. I started researching internet sportsbooks and came across websites that would recommend reputable internet sportsbooks. I became friends with one of the owners of the website that recommended internet sportsbooks and helped him enter the Hilton Handicappers Contest for Football. The Hilton Handicappers Contest is the mother of all Football pools. It costs $1500 to enter and you pick five games each week against the pointspread. The winner is usually awarded $300,000. The owner of this website sent me a check for $1500 (please keep in mind we never met in person, we spoke on the telephone and emailed regularly) and I entered his picks each week at the Las Vegas Hilton. This was 1997. Each week he would send me the picks and I would go down to the Las Vegas Hilton and made sure they were entered by 1:00 pm on Fridays. He told me I would get 10% of any winnings and of course we did not win anything. I think we finished below 50% for the season.

Now I was "in" on the internet sportsbooks and would never get stiffed again---mistake number 2. I was right I would never get stiffed again because I rarely won but I had to keep playing. I decided to hire a professional handicapper because I couldn't do it myself. I thought of it as a financial advisor---mistake number 3. My sports handicapper was one of the reputable ones; however; he turned out to have legal problems as well. He gave decent advice but I couldn't help myself from making my own picks so I still continued to lose. By the way this sports handicapper still owes me money, I am due a payment in June, I won't hold my breath. I moved on to another sports handicapper who I became friends and doesn't owe me money. He understood the discipline it took to make money handicapping sports but that didn't coincide with my compulsive behavior. He did win on his selections but I had to have more and more action which were my own picks and of course these picks lost.

Finally, I discovered something by accident in my employment that would perpetuate my secret fantasy life---Catastrophic Mistake number 4. I couldn't stop myself. Now this may be very hard to believe but I knew what I was doing was very wrong but I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Everyone does something illegal (I know that is a broad statement but it is true, how many of us have jaywalked, driven without our seatbelt, sampled something at the grocery store that wasn't a sample and didn't pay for it??) but I obliterated that line and again couldn't stop myself. Even as I was in the midst of explaining myself because I was found it I was still trying to figure out how I could still do it if they believed what I was saying. Thank goodness, the bank didn't believe me and finally I was confronted face to face and readily admitted I had a gambling problem and couldn't stop what I was doing.

I may not fit the profile of a compulsive gambler perfectly but I fit the definition of a compulsive gambler perfectly; willing to do anything often of an anti-social nature to get the next wager down, that was me. Gambling controlled me and I had visions of controlling gambling. I will never be able to control gambling. It took me years to finally realize this and it took a life changing event. I can't gamble again because it will only be worse and we all know what that is.

I want to wish my brother-in-law Doug a very Happy Birthday!!! We seem to always miss Doug's birthday but I didn't want to miss it this year. I hope you had a great day!!

Yes or No

I spoke with my attorney at length regarding the possible Al Roker interview and we both came to the same conclusion; the interview if done correctly can help me more than it can hurt me. He gave me the go ahead to do the interview. Much like everything in my life at the moment the interview process will take time. The producer from the show is scheduled to meet me next week for a meet and greet. He wants to meet me in person to get a better feel for me and vice versa. He will do one or two more interviews before we get to the Al Roker interview. The Al Roker interview is tentatively scheduled for the last week in June or early part of July. The airing of this program on CourtTV will be in December or January. Who knows by that time my case maybe settled (I DOUBT IT!!).

Interesting note, my older sister called me today when she heard about the interview and was concerned (rightfully so) about my Grandmother because my Grandmother does not know my current situation. My sister said that if I do the interview I will have to tell my grandmother. My mother had pointed this out already and I have every intention of telling my grandmother before the interview airs on television and I am not sure she watches CourtTV but someone she knows may see it and she needs to hear it from me not an acquaintance. My grandmother is soon to be 83 years old and not in the best of health and I didn't have the heart to tell her about my current situation when we visited last week. I thought my grandmother knew I had lost my job but she asked me how my job was going which threw me for a loop and I answered fine and quickly changed the subject. I think she thought I got a new job. When the time comes I will tell her.

Well my former employer has decided to fight my unemployment claim. I received a letter from the unemployment agency stating that my former employer has appealed the decision that grants me unemployment. There will be a hearing sometime in June. I thought they would fight it because they fight every claim but was surprised it took this long. I don't know how the unemployment court works in cases like mine but I don't like my chances of keeping my unemployment status. At least I got two months of coverage that I don't have to pay back.

Another interesting note; a client of my attorney who embezzled $300,000 2 years ago from the City Government of our local town got offered house arrest not prison time and he was looking at 10 years in prison. They are still working out the length of time for house arrest but I take this as positive sign. At least my attorney has experience in these type of cases. By the way house arrest means; you have to be in your house by x time each day and cannot leave your house other than to go to work until the sentence is completed. If you have house arrest for 2 years you must obey this order for 2 years. There I go again; thinking into the future, not good, remember one day at a time and who knows if this is even applicable to me.

Published?

I responded to an article written about embezzlement in tribal casinos where my name was mentioned and unbeknownst to me they published my email response. I guess I need to be more careful but what was written is not anything new. Here is my published version http://www.nativetimes.com/index.asp?action=displayarticle&article_id=6509 You may need to hurry because I think they charge for archived editions and they consider archive editions one day old.

I spoke with several people regarding my possible interview with Al Roker and the general consensus is that I should do the interview. I am speaking with my attorney at length this evening because we spoke earlier and he is not opposed to it but he needs more information. I have received some good advice; from the interview may hinder my recovery to the interview may help my recovery (nothing is cut in dry in my life!!). No, I do not get any compensation for the interview but I do get a free trip to New York and I get to meet the incredible shrinking Al Roker!!! I was also told not to use the Gamblers Anonymous name or I will be ostracize and this would definitely hinder my recovery. I could only use the Gamblers Anonymous name if they blacked out my face and didn't use my last name. Gamblers Anonymous does not seek any publicity which is an undeniable rule. I completely understand and will not do anything that jeopardizes the program. Additionally, I was told that this would be good for me because it would be like doing the fourth and fifth steps in recovery to a national audience. Here are the fourth and fifth steps:
4.) Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.
5.) Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Today my attorney's investigator called me and told me he was going to pick up some new discovery from the courthouse. When I hear "discovery" my stomach does flips and sorry to say this but I feel like I am going to "crap myself". I sure hate what I did but it is reality and I have to face it. He did call back and said he would be coming by to discuss the discovery. Well the "discovery" was the videotape of my confession and nothing else. This was not news to me because I knew all about the videotape. My wife, the investigator and I watched the videotape and again I was reliving the past which hurts but I got through the tape and there is nothing on there that I didn't know about. The investigator asked me if I wanted a copy of the tape and I said no because I have enough reminders already. The one thing I can say about the tape; I was very calm and it was a relief to finally get all of my lying, cheating, and stealing out in the open. Unfortunately, I set myself up for this many years ago and this had to happen and now I have to pay the price.

I'm Back!!

I am back from New Jersey. My brother-in-law's wedding went very well. The family had a great time. My four year old son looked so handsome in his tuxedo and my seven year old daughter was so precious in her flower girl outfit (maybe someday I will learn how to post pictures!!). The weather even cooperated which is a fete in and of itself in New Jersey!! The day was beautiful and it started to rain as we all sat down to dinner. The wedding reception was on the twenty-fifth floor and had gorgeous views of Newark and the Manhattan skyline. Amongst these views the newlyweds were given a wedding present from the Gods in the form of a double rainbow. The double rainbow was exquisite and the venue was stunning.

The wedding reception went well no one confronted me. Only one person said anything to me about my situation and it was in the form of a joke. In fact I didn't understand the joke until the person said good luck with everything. I did keep to myself which is nothing unusual. I was minding my four year old who passed out at 8:30 pm on my lap for an hour and half. I had a very good time.

There was only one run-in (if you will) with a family member. My brother-in-law (not the one that got married) had been holding something inside of him for two months and he finally told my wife. I would have never thought about this issue but once he brought it up it made perfect sense to me. I promptly apologized and hopefully we will move on from here. I thanked everyone for their tremendous support because without this support I would still be sitting in jail. I did have some low moments because I kept thinking about what I did and how I repressed the past. I know I am supposed to live one day at time but it is very difficult knowing what I have done and how many people I have hurt along the way. I did not intend for anyone to get hurt and it makes me sick thinking about what I have done. Also, I had plenty of warning about my addiction prior to my horrible transgressions but I chose to ignore them. I still have no idea why I chose to ignore these signs and get help but I was not ready. I had to fully self-destruct before I fully realized I had a problem.

My Father does not think I have hit rock bottom. I sure hope he is wrong because the next step is death and it wouldn't be a nature death. The GA book says; prison, insanity or death is where this addiction can lead. I have written this before but I will write it again; I have done the prison and I was certainly insane but I am not ready to die because I have so much more to give. I am not a horrible person. I made a horrible decision which lead into a life altering mistake but I will get through this and be the person I need to be.

It was wonderful to see my Mother. I didn't realize how special she was until a few months ago. She has her moments (don't we all??) and sometimes she tries to help too much but she has been nothing short of remarkable during this ordeal. I had to fill out a questionnaire for the insurance job last week and one of the questions was "who is your role model" and my answer was my Mother. I truly love her!!

I received a phone call today from Al Roker Productions and they are doing a show on the Poker craze and how it is sweeping up the young people in America. Al Roker wants to interview me regarding my particular story as a way of saying to these young people "see if you are not careful this can happen to you". I am not sure if I will do the interview because I have to check with my attorney first and because of my pending legal situation I do not want to cause any unnecessary attention. I will keep everyone posted.

Job Offer

First let me apologize for not getting posting yesterday after my court appearance, the day kind of got away from me. Let's see we went to court three weeks ago and nothing happened. We went to court one week ago and nothing happened. We went to court yesterday and guess what happened.....NOTHING!!!! We were postponed for another two weeks. There were two things working against us; number one the judge was sick and there was a substitute judge who was a bit unfamiliar with the case so getting him to rule on anything would have been difficult. Number two the Assistant District Attorney hadn't heard back from his supervisors regarding our proposal last week so he couldn't render a yay or nay. I sure know the serenity prayer by heart!!!! Funny little story; I was waiting for my attorney to enter the courtroom and I saw the Assistant District Attorney who is handing my case speaking with a very clean cut gentlemen in jeans and I overheard them say some things. I thought these things were about my case and I thought this gentlemen was with the FBI because I think everything in the courtroom pertains to my case (which isn't even close to the truth but that is how my mind works!!). My attorney came into the courtroom and told me the news about the postponement and I asked him who the Assistant District Attorney was talking to and he replied "he doesn't have anything to do with your case he is working on another case". I felt so relieved and I have to stop thinking the worst because it does a number on my blood pressure!!

I received a job offer selling health insurance and I accepted the offer. I went to the office to sign all the papers. I had know idea selling insurance was so "regulated", I guess this is a good thing. On the application was the question, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" I can honestly answer no because I have not been convicted (but it sure seems like it!!). However, the question went on; "are you currently under arrest for any felonies", I couldn't lie and I told the Sales Manager my predicament and he was very understanding but he could not hire me. He really wanted to hire me because he felt I would be good at presenting to the clients (and he is right); however; he stated that when the company finds out about my pending case they would fire me until the case had been resolved. I told him it could take a year and a half until the case is solved and his head went down and he was genuinely sympathetic. I guess it is nice to know I was wanted. Ironically, when I first told him I was arrested he instantly asked if it was a DUI. My reply, "I wish it was as simple as a DUI" which incidentally I have never been accused of driving while intoxicated because I wouldn't even think of driving after drinking but I did what I did without thinking of the consequences, it still baffles me!!! I hope this made sense? In summation, I did not get the job, back to the drawing board. Anyone check out my website; http://pdelvacchio.moretimenow.net/ir/Navigate.asp Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell everyone it really isn't that bad!!

We are going to New Jersey tomorrow so I will not post anything until next Tuesday. The only anxiety I have about going back is facing the people that do not know what is going on. I am not sure what my answer will be to them when they ask me "how is everything?", I think I will keep it short and answer; "good, how are you?" Most people like to talk about themselves and I don't mind listening. I hope I get to see the sun (this is an inside joke only a few people will understand)!!!!

Self-Esteem

What is self-esteem? The dictionary defines self-esteem as a confidence and satisfaction in oneself (seems simple enough!!). Encyclopedia Britannica goes further; sense of personal worth and ability that is fundamental to an individual's identity. Also, family relationships during childhood are believed to play a crucial role in its development. Parents may foster self-esteem by expressing affection and support for the child as well as by helping the child set realistic goals for achievement instead of imposing unreachable high standards. Karen Horney asserted that low self-esteem leads to the development of a personality that excessively craves approval and affection and exhibits an extreme desire for personal achievement. Do I crave approval and affection? The simple answer would be no because I do not believe I excessively crave approval. I may desire approval but my cravings were spent in another area. I also believe my parents did a very good job with the three us (my two sisters) and did not impose unreachable standards. These standards were left up to us and my standards became a bit skewed later on in life. I won't mention my sisters standards because it is not my place to take their inventory. Additionally, I do not believe I crave affection. This is a more delicate situation because my family has never been lovey dovey maybe this is why my daughter doesn't like to be hugged by her friends. (This maybe another subject at a later date!!) Before I get into trouble I am not saying my family was cold and callous. We were somewhere in the middle between the touchy feely and the cold clammy family. In summation I believe my self-esteem is very good, it is not low and it is not high. Also, I have always treated people the same way I would like to be treated; with respect and dignity so I don't believe I am a snob. My definition of a snob is someone that is unapproachable and I believe I have always been approachable.

Tomorrow is a court date, I wonder if anything will happen??? Something is supposed to happen but I thought this something was going to happen last week!! Who knows; and I am not going to get worked up over it. I do hope something positive happens because I need a jolt of positiveness in this area but again if it doesn't OH WELL!!!

I had an interview for a sales position and no, it wasn't multi-level marketing or network marketing position it was for a real company with a real product; health insurance for the small business owner. I believe I can sell any reputable product given the proper training. I am a very good listener and when I know the product I can give an excellent presentation and for the most part I am a very likeable person (not snobby!!) and this is very important in sales. Who wants to buy something from someone you dislike???? The gentleman that interviewed me was very positive about me and he will be calling me back tonight. I am a bit worried about the background check because this man stated; it is harder to become an insurance agent in California than it is to become a police officer. Well, I haven't been convicted of anything as of yet so I hope this part goes okay and they do the background check quickly. I will keep you posted.

It is day 77 and I still have no urge to gamble. Again; I will quote my mother; "seventy seven days ago I got a major wake up call", and you know she is 100% correct. I needed this wake up call because without it I would still be living in a fantasy. The fantasy is gone and now it is reality. The proper way to deal with reality when you are in recovery (and I will be for the rest of my life) is one day at time.

Soccer

Watching my daughter play soccer on a balmy Southern California Saturday morning is one of life's simple pleasures and not to be taken for granted. She is 7 years old and smaller than most of the other players but she really seems to enjoy herself. This was her last game of the season because next week we will be in New Jersey for my brother-in-law's wedding. Lauren (my daughter) is not the most aggressive soccer player. If she had the aggressiveness she uses toward her younger brother and applied it to the soccer field she would be a superstar!! Like I said she is smaller than most of the other players and rather timid but she has grown so much since her first game 10 weeks ago. She has applied the coaches principles and made great improvements. My wife is very comical during the game because she is always (how shall I say this?) encouraging or rather pulling Lauren along. Monica (my wife) is constantly shouting instructions to Lauren and this is not a negative she wants to see Lauren be more aggressive and it works and Lauren does not seem to mind. In fact most of the parents are really encouraging their respective child along in a positive manner. There really aren't any "intense" parents. Maybe the fact that they are 6, 7, 8, years old and the competitiveness hasn't started but I suspect it will kick in soon. Unfortunately, Lauren's team lost 3-0 but no one was crying at the end of the game, the players were more interested in what snacks were given out!!! Oh the simple pleasures of a 7 year old!!

By this time next week my brother-in-law will be married. My entire family is in the wedding. It should be a very nice time. I am actually looking forward to going back for the first time since we have moved away 11 years ago. I think I want to get the "questions" out of the way or maybe I am just crazy!! Everyone has been so supportive and I want to thank them in person and I really do mean it.

Internal Struggle

It finally happened, I lost my entire posting. Apparently, when I went to publish my post the system went done for maintenance and the entire posting went into the blogsphere!! I am sure that won't be the last time. The post wasn't that good, it was a little confusing but I will try and re-create.

I seem to put on a brave face as may therapist calls it a facade but underneath there is a lot of internal struggle. I need to vent and please just take as venting and nothing more. I screwed up and as my mother says I screwed up BIG TIME. Yes, this is certainly correct. Is my life over? There are two answers to this question; yes and no. Yes, my life with the nice house, nice friends, good career, great co-workers, and a wonderful school system for my children is over because of my actions. However; no my life is not over because I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends and my career will take a different turn but it will be good because I will excel at anything I put my mind into. I do regret having to move my children from this wonderful school system but I know they will adjust to any situation as long as we are all together. We won't be all together in the short term but in the long term we will be together.

I have learned that I have an unbelievable (yes, that is a good thing!) family and incredible friends. I had a great many acquaintances that I thought were my friends; however; they were only acquaintances. My friends are truly my friends (this may not make sense to you but it makes sense to me!). It maybe a cliche but I will state it anyway; you really find out who you can count on when times get tough and I have amazing people that I can count on. I am truly blessed knowing these people. I never realized how much love I had in my life until all of this happened. Thank you!!

(Please keep in mind these are random thoughts and may not make sense to anyone other than myself and for this I apologize.) My friend told me I was not an evil person I was an opportunist that took advantage of a situation that didn't work out as expected. Yes, my friend is correct I took advantage of an opportunity to enable my situation. This maybe a copout but I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't state it; I wish I didn't find that opportunity then all of this wouldn't have happened. I know it is wishful thinking and the fact of the matter is if it wasn't that opportunity it would have been another opportunity which could have been much worse. (I told you I had a lot of internal struggles!) My life was destined for this moment it is how I recover for this situation that will set the tone for the rest of my life.

I would like to give some absolutes but who knows what is going to happen. I will continue to live my life one day at a time even though some folks around me cannot understand this principle. I will also stop trying to compare my situation to others that have gone through similar situations because it is pointless. I do not understand the U.S. Justice System because there are so many inconsistencies. I can see why very wealthy people get away with "murder" because they can create doubts (true or not). The poor people get shuttled into and out of the system never really having a chance to rehabilitate themselves, maybe this is why California's prison system is bursting at the seems. I lie some where in the middle and I will not think about anymore. All I can do is expect the worse but hope for the best but I am not sure what the best and worse would be. Thank you for listening.

Oh My

Oh my goodness; the headline reads Mother of 3 steals $520,000 to keep playing, and lost. Here is the link; http://www.jsonline.com/news/state/may05/324644.asp We are the same age, she has 3 children I have 2 children she has been sentenced to 10 years in prison, I am still awaiting my fate. I have researched many embezzlement cases and have not seen this type of sentence. I have seen people who have embezzled more get much less time. I think the article is leaving something out because the facts don't add up. There was a lady in California that embezzled $1 million and she got 30 months so I really think we are missing something but with that stated who knows what the future might bring but it is very frightening to say the least.

There are so many things on my mind but I am not ready to write them down. I guess court causes all of my thoughts and I really can't help thinking. Thinking is certainly a detriment to me, doing would be a great deal better but doing is a long way off. I'm sure that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it is all I have for now.

I will close with the three most precious gifts in my life Monica, Lauren and Jonathan. I love these people more than more anything in the world so how could I do what I did, who knows. Dr. Phil (yes, the "TV" Dr. Phil) stated on Larry King he doesn't understand why people do things that they know will harm themselves and potentially others. Well, heck if Dr. Phil doesn't understand how can I!!!! Unfortunately good people do stupid things and it causes unnecessary pain and hardship. It is how we recover from this pain and hardship that sets the course for our lives. My recovery will be filled with love and I will cherish every moment.

Justice System

I had a court appearance today and all I can say is JEEZ!!!! There may come a day when I enter court and something actually gets done. Decisions on my motions have been postponed until next Tuesday, hopefully next Tuesday will be the day something is decided. Please stay tuned.

Last night I went to the GA meeting about 40 minutes away from where I live because as I have stated previously they need some help. This was the first time I went to the meeting by myself because the other gentlemen had previous commitments. They are a good group of people and genuinely want to stop gambling because that is the purpose of Gamblers Anonymous. Each group of GA is self-governing and meetings are a little different from town to town and this is fine as long as the primary purpose is being followed. I didn't want to impose my will on the Treasurer but he was looking for guidance so I gave him some guidelines and he followed them very well. However; we had a new member join us about half way into the meeting and I really felt bad for her. She had a story not unlike any of us and you could see the pain in her face. This addiction really hurts everyone involved and she was starting to realize this. The other members wanted to fix her right away and that is not good (in my opinion) she needs time. The only way to face this addiction is one day at a time because otherwise it gets too overwhelming. I tried as best as I could to convey this message and I hope she finds another meeting in the area and goes because she has to realize she cannot face this addiction by herself. The GA meetings make it but they only make it if you go. I hope the people at the meeting didn't scare her away because it appears she wants to stop gambling.

My little internet business is going slowly but I am having fun with it. I get to talk to all different people and I can see this taking off. If you have a chance please check out: http://pdelvacchio.moretimenow.net/ir/Navigate.asp Yes, that is a solicitation and yes, it is a very reputable company.

Three Days

Wow, three days and I didn't post anything, maybe my compulsive disorder is getting better or maybe I am just lazy??? First off a Happy Mother's Day to all the Mothers in the world and a very happy Mothers Day to my wife, mom and mother-in-law. Without these people I don't even want to think of the alternative. Thank you so very much for your support, I love you all.

On Friday I set out to do 20 miles in preparation for the San Diego Marathon next month. Somewhere on mile 11 I wasn't feeling very good and decided to cut my run short at mile 13. The only other time I cut a run short was when I hurt my knee a year and a half ago. My knee was feeling fine; however; about 2 hours after the run my other knee was hurting very badly. I couldn't put any pressure on it at all and the pain was in a different place (inside of the knee). I did the right things and iced it all day Friday and stayed off my feet.

Saturday I attended the final part of the California Counsel Certified Problem Gambler training course. When I woke up Saturday morning I still could not put any pressure on my right leg but luckily I still had crutches from my last incident and was able to hobble around the training session. The training was very good and it gave me some great insight to my addiction. Compulsive or Pathological Gambling is an extremely difficult addiction some call it the hidden addiction. If treatment is not sought the addiction gets worse NEVER better. My three episodes were progressively worse and lead me directly to where I sit now. People have committed murder, extortion, embezzlement, kidnapping and larger among other things due to this addiction/disorder. (Please note the American Psychiatrist Association calls Pathological Gambling a disorder not a disease and this is maybe part of the reason why it is so difficult to raise funds for treatment.) The class had about 14 people and 11 of those people were clinical types (meaning psychologists, MFT and therapists). I can see why compulsive gamblers stop going to treatment because the therapist or counselor doesn't understand. This class gave a background on gambling and the compulsive gambler. There is some drug therapy being developed but it is a long way off and in the mean time it really is a life long disorder that does not go away.

I know first hand that things I did were "stupid" but yet I did them to the point of self destruction. I don't want to do stupid things anymore and I do want to live my life the "right" way. I have to concern myself with me and my family first and foremost. I would make a great employee because I want to right the wrongs but I am a long way away from being an employee. I have to take it one day at a time and good things will come (they have already). Getting back to the training session I did decide that I want to help in training the counselors about gambling and problem gambling and who better than me would know. I have worked in the Gaming Industry for 11 years and understand the business side very well and I am also a compulsive gambler and understand those feelings as well. Hopefully, I can convey those thoughts and the counseling will be better. I am talking to a few people about training opportunities and hopefully something will come for it because I would be very good.

On Sunday the final session of training there was a 100 question test regarding the material we covered for the past 30 hours. I will know my results in a few weeks and even if I don't pursue the counseling I will always have the certification. I want to be a productive member of society and even though no one will hire me (right now) I feel I am doing what is best for the future of me and my family. Some people might say I am being compulsive about my attendance to Gamblers Anonymous and the pursuit of Problem Gamblers. I say to them, yes, I am because let's face it I am a obsessive compulsive person in most of my endeavors and I believe as long as it is positive and doesn't interfere with my life only good can come of it. I am being responsible to myself and my family because I am getting the help that I have needed for the past 23 years and it doesn't change overnight, it is a slow and steady process.

Getting back to my knee (sorry about the digression) by Sunday afternoon I was off the crutches and was just limping around. Not having health insurance will prevent me from going to the hospital unless the pain increases and I literally can't stand on it but it appears to be getting better. I won't run for a few weeks and will change my training program so I can "baby" my knee for a few weeks. Like I said before, I want to stop doing "stupid" things!!

Finally, I have met so many wonderful and fascinating people in the last 70 days that I would not have met had I not had this addiction and for that I am very grateful. Also, I continue to look forward to meeting more wonderful and fascinating people in the years to come.

Interview

I had a telephone interview today for a very prominent position on the East Coast. The interview went very well but at the end of the interview I was sick to my stomach for a few reasons. The number one reason is fairly obvious; my current legal status, had it not been for my current legal status I would have received an offer for this position. I didn't disclose my current legal situation because I was advised that at this time I am under no obligation to disclose anything, I felt bad about not disclosing. The second reason is a bit surprising. The position is for a newly created gaming facility in the Northeast. It is located in a very depressed area and the only reason the voters passed the referendum was due to the extremely high unemployment rate. The people of this area need jobs and the casino will definitely provide them the jobs. However; please think about this, the area has high unemployment and is adding a CASINO. Does that make sense to anyone? By the way it is not a destination casino (meaning people won't vacation to this area) it is truly a local casino so they will be feeding off themselves.

The only reason why the company agreed to put a casino in this location was due to the fact that they were able to secure a lease option on another property in a much better location; however; the people at this location voted NO on the casino proposal. The company is holding a 5 year option on this property so they have 5 years to convince the people Casinos are good for the economy. I don't see this happening for a number of reasons and few of them are not moral reasons they are financial reasons that I won't bore anyone with.

I sent the gentleman an email withdrawing my consideration for the position; however; I did inform him if he needed someone on a temporary basis that I would be available. Let's face it the casino is being built and I don't want to make a long term commitment to something I don't morally, ethically, or financially believe but I would be willing to help out short term. I doubt if anything will come of it because he will find someone that will make the long term commitment needed. Sorry to disappoint!!

Stories

The stories are different but the reason is the same. Whether the person was at the racetrack, on the internet, casino, bingo hall, or convenience store they were still gambling compulsively. MSN.com reported that there are over 20 million pathological (compulsive) gamblers in the United States. (Please click on Stories above for the full article.) The one connection all of these people have is the inability to stop gambling. In my short time in recovery I have heard many many stories. Gladys Knight and Cecil Fielder (ex Detroit Tiger) lost millions of dollars gambling. Each day a new story is heard throughout the country about the wife, father, grandmother, son, daughter, grandfather, etc., who had lost everything to gambling. I am no different. We all like to think we are different but the truth of the matter is gambling controlled each one of us.

I repeated the same behavior pattern for seven consecutive years and I didn't realize what consequences would arise. I started betting on sports at an early age and enjoyed even though I had limited success. Seven years ago I started on a road that would bring me to where I am right now. I started sports gambling earnestly 7 years ago to fill a void at work (I was bored) and it went from filling a void to pitiful incomprehensible demoralization. I couldn't stop or rather I didn't want to stop until all the damage had been done, I am what is labeled as a self destructive gambler. I am not sure what would have happened if I didn't get caught, I am not sure when I would have stopped. This is very hard to believe because any reasonably sane person would have pulled the plug long ago. However; when you (I) perform a behavior for such a long period of time you (I) think this is an acceptable behavior. I think psychologist have a name for it but I can't seem to find; let's call it Rational Thinking of an Irrational Person.

I have attended many GA meetings in the past 65 days and the newer members come in the room speaking about withdrawals and needing their fix almost like a drug addict. We compulsive gamblers do not ingest anything into our bodies but our brain has a chemical reaction to the highs and lows of the particular gamble. When a compulsive gambler has this chemical reaction on a daily basis the brain craves the chemical and the only way to satisfy the brain is to gamble more. I had this craving for 7 years and 65 days ago it all came crashing down. I think my self destruction help get this craving out of my brain for now but when all of my current problems are solved I better still be in GA or else I will start the same self destructive pattern again.

On a sad note; a very good friend of our family has lost their son. It is unnatural to have a parent lose their child at any age. Chris was 33 years old and had a very promising wrestling career. He was undergoing "routine" foot surgery and somehow develop a blood clot and died. You can read more about Chris at http://www.thnt.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2005505010441 Our thoughts and prayers are with Chris' family.

Holding Pattern

I am in a temporary holding pattern and the key word is temporary because no matter what we all think time stands still for no one. I have become heavily involved in Gamblers Anonymous even though I have only 64 days of abstinence. Last night another member and I went to an out of town meeting that is having a little difficulty. The town is about 40 minutes away in a depressed area. There were only 7 members including the two of us. A new member arrived and he showed how baffling and insidious this disease really is. Gambling starts out as fun then it is fun with problems and then it is just problems. Most people when they join GA are in the last phase; problems. Some problems are bigger than some but we all have the same story; no control over gambling.

Seven percent of gamblers are compulsive or pathological gamblers and gambling has the same affect on the brain as cocaine. Why can't we just stop?? Everyone has choices in life and I decided to gamble for 20 plus years and not until a catastrophe occurred I decided to stop. Some people cannot and will not understand this diseases. In my case I had to have my whole world crash down on me before I sought help. I was different, I was just INVESTING in sports betting. I was NO different I couldn't control what I was doing and this has caused pain to me and my family. It has taken 20 plus years of lying, cheating and stealing to get where I am. I don't expect all of that to go away overnight. It may take 20 plus years or I may never earn the trust and respect of my family again but I have to make my recovery work or it will be over for me. This may seem drastic but my clear choice is to not gamble today.

Ups and Downs

How do you feel grief and happiness at the same time? I really don't know but I experience it all of the time. I am grief stricken when I think about what I did to my family and I am so very happy to have my family because they are wonderful. I had a conversation with someone yesterday that has caused me to think horrible thoughts. I guess this is part of the process, the ups and downs. Do I have no right to question people when they talk badly about my family? Does my current situation and the facts centering on what I did to my family preclude me from standing up for my family? Will I have to take what I perceive as insults about my immediate family because I have no rights for myself? I don't mind people talking badly about me to me or even behind my back but when they start insulting my family I must speak up. What I did was wrong and what I did to my family is almost incomprehensible; however; there was no intentional malice in my actions. I believe I have the right to stand up for my family and I do believe I have a right to stand up for myself.

I don't want to hide behind the fact that I am a compulsive gambler and will always be one. Twenty-three years of off and on gambling and certainly the last five caused me to be where I am today. I have always been a good husband, father, son, brother, uncle and friend. I am no different today than I was 3 months ago even though some people think otherwise. I would never consider hurting anyone physically or mentally; however; my actions have caused a great deal of emotional pain. This a very long process and I expect the ups and downs to come and go constantly.

I prefer positive energy and positive people. Ninety-nine percent of the people that I have spoke to are very positive and encouraging and it is amazing how the one percent can throw off the other ninety-nine. It is a temporary setback and I will keep moving forward positively. There is only one thing I like about my current situation and that is having my family together because without them I would be lost.