Tick Another Week Off

Really my day can be summed up in one sentence: I get out of bed when it is still dark, exercise, shower, dress, have breakfast, check-in, clean the bathrooms, have lunch, read or write, check-out, read or write, have dinner, talk, read, and go to sleep. Okay that is a long run on sentence, but that is my day Monday thru Friday. There’s a slight deviation on Saturdays and Sunday but essentially it really is the same. In between those events the days pass quickly. Here it is and I can tick off another week off as I head into the middle of November.

I was writing a letter to my mother last night and going over the many letters she sent to me this past week. As I was going over them, I was reminded of something she sent me a few weeks ago. She found a very good compulsive gambling website from England and sent me a few articles. In one of them was a story about a gentleman who is called “Ged”. The story is eerily similar to my own story. He is awaiting sentencing for crimes he committed to satisfy his compulsive gambling addiction. I read through the articles and somehow someone in the group actually did mention my story and the word “inspirational” was written about me. I don’t know about being inspirational and I was surprised to see my blog mentioned.

My mother has invoked her editor’s privilege and has summarized what I have written in hopes to drive more readers to this blog and hopefully to help at least one person. This has always been my goal when I started over 2 ½ years ago. A few people have called my blog self-indulgent. This very well may be the case because after all it centers around one person – me! It has never been my intention to be self indulgent or selfish for that matter. Writing this (as I have mentioned many times before) is one form of therapy for me and it continues to help me tremendously.

I’m not sure if Ged will read any of this, but if I can pass something I have learned over these past 16 months is to keep a journal. It doesn’t have to be published and can be something kept to yourself. I have found it more than therapeutic to write down my thoughts and also it does help to pass the time. The focus for me has been to make it through everyday in a positive and safe manner. Of course there have been “sucky days” but as the time progresses the “sucky days” disappear. Hopefully, Ged is enrolled in some type of recovery program such as Gamblers Anonymous. I have been very fortunate that I haven’t had any urges through this process but gambling is everywhere especially here in prison. The stakes may seem harmless, but I know for myself no matter what the stakes are, the wager would cause me irreparable harm. I always keep this thought in my mind which is why I may have not had any urges. Believe it or not, the days, weeks, months, and years will pass soon enough and this will be all in the past. I wish Ged the very best and I believe turning a potential negative situation into a positive is not only probable but very possible.

Today was just like most other days and we now have a good system when cleaning the bathrooms. Our two longest days of cleaning are Monday and Friday. There is something to be said of a clean bathroom and to take it a step further a clean “smelling” bathroom. When we are done, the bathrooms are clean and they do smell very fresh as well. There was a very slight negative comment made this morning, but I did let it go. It took me a few minutes, but ultimately the comment was gone. My friend and I are doing our best. The bathrooms are cleaner than I have seen in my 6 months since I arrived here. I may not be the most objective in this regard; however, the system we have is working and I am sure the negative comments will disappear.

Day's over Already

My mother has inundated me with letters this week; I have received at least one piece of mail each day from her and all of the mail has been exceptional. Last night the only piece I did receive was from my mother. I am sitting here with four of her letters stacked to my left. My intention was to write a letter to her this afternoon, but somehow the day went by so quickly. I thought I was going to watch the movie “The Secret”. The satellite dish has been on the fritz for the past few days and DVD’s have been the only thing shown. In the afternoon yesterday, I was able to watch the last 20 minutes of “The Secret” and was told it would be played again last night. I was all set to watch and found a seat in the TV room. I was excited to watch the entire broadcast because the last twenty minutes were very inspiring. The television came on and much to my dismay; the movie was “Spiderman III”. A far cry from “The Secret”! My roommate and I went back to our room and engaged in conversation with our neighbor.

Everything as it always does went well today. Breakfast was uneventful and it was the normal cleaning of the bathrooms. Here is a small sample of how “into” cleaning the bathrooms I have become. In each of the bathrooms is a trough urinal (sorry about being so graphic) and to clean it properly, I use my hands. Yes, I wear latex gloves, but my hands are in the urinal cleaning it! This seems to be the best way to get it really spotless. I certainly didn’t think at the age of 42 that I would have my hands inside a prison urinal but this is how it has turned out. Strangely enough, I am very grateful and it continues to keep me humble.

I was all set to write this afternoon when the meat delivery arrived. I promised my roommate I would help him unload the truck and I found myself in a role which was part of a previous life. My roommate gave me the invoice and I was responsible for inventorying all of the items on the truck as they were unloaded. I was being an accountant again and it was so nice to participate. There weren’t any problems with the order and as I checked the items off, I realized that there wasn’t one food item on the entire truck that I would eat. The order was full of hamburgers, pork, sausages, chicken and other sundry foods that I choose not to eat. It was a bit ironic that there was nothing I would eat in the entire order. Unloading the truck took longer than I had anticipated and with it thought, “Has the day ended already?” Time sure does move quickly and really today like most other days are not exactly action packed, yet the days go by rapidly.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” This is probably the most famous line from “Living the Wisdom of the Tao.” It really is a simplistic thought yet I know for myself I sometimes got overwhelmed with the “big picture”. However; now I understand the meaning of living one day at a time. Every goal is possible from here. The key is from here. One small step leads to another and so on. Before too long the journey has been completed and what was thought to be impossible became very possible. My life was a mess a short-time ago, but now it continues to improve with each passing day. My life is wonderful and I am grateful for this experience.

Moment by Moment

I was talking to my roommate about a myriad of topics. One of these topics was something I brought up from a letter I received from my mother a few weeks ago. She is incredible and has always been incredible all throughout my 42 years of existence. In this particular letter she asked me if I may need some type of counseling when I get out. This was truly a good question and I talked to my roommate about this subject. I can see why my mother asked and I can definitely see the need. In my current situation, I have been somewhat isolated and very much insulated from the “real world”. Thankfully, I have been receiving counseling/therapy ever since day one of this journey which has come from my recovery and more specifically Gamblers Anonymous. I have detailed my daily therapeutic ritual which consists of exercising and writing. In the early part of this journey, my exercising was limited but my writing was not. This is probably why those entries from early on are much longer and fraught with details than they are currently. Now I have much more therapy in my life with all the wonderful visits I receive. In those visits, the GA meetings are vital to my recovery. I really could go on and on about all the wonderful aspects in my life which have brought back my sanity and everyone of these starts and ends with recovery. Without recovery, I am a mess and with recovery my life continues to get better and better as each day goes by.

None of these therapies will go away when I am released on February 27, 2008. In fact these therapies will be enhanced because I will be able to get to a GA meeting on a consistent basis. I’m not sure if I will need a formalized counseling session, but it certainly is not a bad idea. I can see when I am reunited with my family that we see a professional counselor as a family visit. The facts will be that I have been removed from my family and society so much that currently I believe as long as I keep doing what I have been doing for the past two years and eight months, everything will continue to be better and better.

At this point, I would like to focus on today’s verse from Living the Wisdom of the Tao”. The title of the verse is “Living Without Difficulties”. The essence of this theme is the essence of the Gamblers Anonymous Program; “living one day at a time.” I found the correlations in the verse and the GA Program astounding. In the verse, Dr. Dyer writes about living in the present moment and it takes living one day at a time to another level which is living “Moment by moment.” Dr. Dyer stated, “There’s no such thing as difficulty when you live in the present moment, doing only what you can right now.” This is truly an amazing concept and one I have employed throughout my entire journey. Back when my journey started some 16 months ago, I said to myself, “You will get through this one step at a time.” It has been a series of steps from the beginning as I moved from the county jail to the reception center then to Jamestown and finally here. The next step in the process takes place on February 27th when I am released and move to Las Vegas where I will work for the Las Vegas Recovery Center.

The key in all of this for me was to take each step as it comes. I do realize I created difficulties on myself as these steps weren’t happening fast enough. However, now that I look back on it the steps happened exactly as they were supposed to. I am in a good place both physically and mentally. I am surrounded by very good people both inside and outside. I am blessed in innumerable ways. Everything continues to workout for the very best because I take life one moment at a time. Dr. Dyer gives an example of how a person gets through the long difficult process of giving birth to a child. The only way this can be accomplished is moment by moment. A Lao-tzu (the writer of the Tao) teaches, if you don’t attempt anything big, you will achieve greatness. Four days a week I run between 12 to 16 miles. I have always viewed this as taking one lap at a time and when I am finished I will have run between 12 to 16 miles and this two session goes by very quickly. In the passage today, Dr. Dyer cites his own exercise regimen as an example. Each morning he does an hour and a half of “hot yoga” meaning temperatures exceed 105 degrees. He takes the “moment by moment” approach and before he knows it the 90 minute session is completed. Another key is to eliminate any difficulty. “Look for the simplicity in what you call complicated by seeing that in this moment, it is not hard.” “Thinking small and getting big things done.”

In each verse, Dr. Dyer has a “Do the Tao Now” section which is an exercise. Today one of the suggestions was to “write the opening paragraph of your novel.” Here it goes:

It is a Wednesday, just like any other Wednesday. I just dropped off my 4 year old son at daycare and I am driving to work. This is not quite accurate because it is not like any other Wednesday. My brain is processing a billion scenarios and my legs can’t stop shaking. I drive down the freeway, but although I am physically present in my car, my mind is far-far away. Is the end here? Surely, it can’t be and there must be someway out? I have always gotten myself out of sticky situations in the past – so why not now? Should I tell the truth or stick to my lies? Have I exhausted all of my options or are there more? So many questions and I have little time for answers.
I pulled up to my parking spot when I noticed out of the corner of my eye, the Assistant Director of Security standing on the sidewalk. Is this unusual? I don’t think so. I get out of my car and start to walk into work when the Assistant Director approached me and apologetically says, “ I’m sorry, Paul, but I have to escort you to the Gaming Commission’s Office.” I know it is over. We walked and I thought to myself, “How did I get here?”

Alright that might be more than the first paragraph and it does need work. Also, I keep vacillating on where to start the novel between what I just wrote and the day I was sentenced. I may write an opening paragraph for the other option. At the very least this is a start and I can write “moment by moment” and ultimately it will be completed. It dos feel good starting it and I wholeheartedly agree living without difficult is the only way to go.

Urges?

Finally, something that wasn’t routine! It seems every evening I venture to the dining hall for dinner; however, last night I did not venture to the dining room for dinner. I ate in the friendly confines of my room with my roommate who secured some leftovers. After eating, I perused the Las Vegas Review Journal which is the Las Vegas newspaper. I had asked my mother if she could purchase a subscription for me, and even though the price is very high due to shipping costs, she purchased a four-week subscription of the Sunday newspaper. I was more interested in the prices to rent a house than anything. When I move to Las Vegas upon my release date, I will be living with two very dear friends; however, come next June when my wife and children come out, we will need a place to live. This is why I was trying to get an idea of the housing costs. Well, the prices are all over the place for similar houses in similar neighborhoods. I saw prices for 2500 square-foot houses in generally the same area range from a low of $1600 a month to a high of $3000 a month. I thought this to be some range! I do have a while before I enter the housing market ad who knows what the prices will be like next June. I did see many of the homebuilders’ advertisements where they were dropping prices significantly and offering many incentives. The hope prices are still much more expensive that when we bought our first house 10 years ago. The prices have doubled and then some. These prices are closely related to the prices of homes in southern California. To me, this doesn’t make sense because Las Vegas doesn’t appear to have the population to sustain these types of prices. Apparently, this is true because the boom has gone bust quite rapidly. I know we will be back in our own house very soon, and if the real estate market in Las Vegas continues its downward trend, this will happen sooner as opposed to later.

I finished with the paper and read a few chapters of “Tell No One.” It appears my normal bedtime of 10:00 p.m. is a thing of the past because now I can barely make it to 9:00 p.m. My roommate fell asleep at 8:30 p.m. At this rate, we will be going to sleep right after dinner in a few months! I don’t mind this at all because I have been getting up earlier, and I do prefer the early mornings as opposed to the evenings. This morning I was up early and headed to the weight area. My roommate joined me after about 30 minutes, and he was my personal trainer. Then it was off to the pancake breakfast and then to the cleaning of the bathrooms. In the afternoon, I hiked the hill for 1-1/2 hours as the weather was so beautiful with bright sunny skies and temperatures in the high 70’s.

Last night, I received two letters from my mother and in one was something that exemplified her thoughtfulness. In the other was a very nice letter and something regarding this blog. Apparently, my mom asked for constructive criticism about the blog, and she received limited responses. There were two responses that my mother included. One was from my very dear friend in the great white north who wrote a very eloquent response, and I am grateful for that response and friendship. The other response was from my sister who asked a very good question, “I am interested in hearing about when he does have the urge to gamble, what is he feeling.” Yes, this is a very good question, and in two years, eight months, and eight days I have yet to experience an urge. I doubt if this is typical of a recovering compulsive gambler, but my situation has been anything but typical since entering recovery. My life was turned upside down, and I had (and still have) so many things going on that I didn’t have an urge to gamble. This doesn’t mean I will never get an urge to gamble. I do believe my biggest test will come when life starts to even out, better known as getting back to normal. This is when the urges may come, and I must be mindful of what I had gone through to get where I will be. I must continue to “play the tape all the way through.” I know one small insignificant bet will lead to my ultimate demise. I do remind myself of this daily, which could be one of the reasons why I have not had an urge. Also, I must retain honesty in my life because the dishonesty and gambling go hand in hand. I am happily in recovery, and this is my new way of life. I can liken this to when a person goes on a diet and loses a lot of weight and then goes off the diet and gains some of the weight back. My diet (recovery) is a lifelong process performed one day at a time. As long as I abstain from gambling and live an honest positive life, everything will continue to get better. One last analogy; I believe my compulsive gambling addiction was exorcised from me when all of this came crashing down on me and I entered the Gamblers Anonymous program. This has changed and continues to change my life for the better.

The more I think about this the more I am a bit perplexed as to why I have not had an urge. I do remember many people asking me when they found out that I don’t eat meat, “Don’t you get an urge for a steak?” The answer to that question is the same as to the question about urges to gamble, “No, never.” I haven’t had a piece of red meat in over 17 years, and I have no desire. I have been asked if I ever get urges to eat a piece of chocolate. The answer is the same, “No never.” I’m not sure if there is a correlation to any of this so I go back to the fact that I believe this is atypical of a compulsive gambler. This does not mean I am not a compulsive gambler or any less than other compulsive gamblers. I AM a compulsive gambler, and thankfully, I am recovering each and every day. In summary, I really can’t answer my sister’s question, but I will remain mindful of it if and when these urges arrive.

"Living by Thrift and Moderation"

Everything is moving right along, and last evening was, hopefully, the last fire-meal dinner of the season. I didn’t eat much and went back to my room where I ate the leftover Boca burger while trying to listen to “60 Minutes” on the radio. Since the broadcast is coming from San Francisco, there are good days and bad days. I tried to listen but became frustrated because of the static. I turned off the radio and read a recent edition of Men’s Health. This was the highlight of my evening along with the fact that I was able to talk with my roommate when he returned from the fire meal.

I am thankful for my roommate because we do speak almost every evening, mostly about the comings and goings of his day. We have agreed that there are so many bizarre things that seem o happen, and at times, I do feel like I am living in a Seinfeld episode. When we do speak about these, we do put things into perspective as this is a temporary experience for everyone. Everyone here has a release date, be it tomorrow or five years from now. Incidentally, the longest any inmate can serve at a fire camp is five years. Yes, there are some guys with 2011 and 2012 release dates. This does help put things into perspective, and having patience is most certainly a requisite. At this point for me, I would literally stand on my head for the next 100- and-some days, so I may be a little more temporary than others. I have reached a point where the little things (which are just about everything) do not bother me at all. I have developed a very solid routine (or program as it is known in prison jargon), and the days are passing soon enough. There have been some very slight blips in the road over the past two weeks that are not worth mentioning. All is very well, and I continue to be very grateful for this experience.

Sleep came fairly easily, and it was my usual sleeping pattern. As I ran this morning, my thoughts drifted to yesterday as it was the running of the New York City Marathon. My plan was to run this two years ago. Well, “things” happened, and that did not happen. It is my intention to run this next year, and it will happen. It is funny how much has happened in my life in the last three years, and all have been very positive. Once again, I am blessed with this awakening, and everything continues to work out for the very best.

It was on to, hopefully, the last fire meal breakfast and then on to clean the bathrooms. The highlight of my workday was my new squeegee which required a lot less effort and yielded much better results. The highlight of my whole day came while I was writing. The two deer who have been frequent visitors to the camp over the past few weeks came within 20 feet of me. They even glanced at me while continuing to look for food. They appeared very calm and peaceful. This was certainly a nature moment, and I was grateful for the serenity. This is yet another example of how everything continues to work out for the very best. I was sentenced almost 16 months ago, and this sentence was punishment for my misdeeds. The biggest form of punishment is being separated from my family, but I have been so fortunate to have been put in a place where deer can prance 20 feet away from me, and I am grateful.
This brings me to “Living by thrift and moderation” which is a verse in “Living the Wisdom of Tao.” I never espoused either of these virtues before recovery. There were so many interesting points in the verse such as, “When you cultivate a style of leadership that creates a good store of virtue, then nothing is impossible, for there are no limits.” Thanks to recovery, I am cultivating a good store of virtue, and I, too, believe nothing in impossible. Another interesting point, “People whose lives are run by rules, dogma, and fear can only do what they’ve been told to do and nothing more.” This sound like the methodology of prison, and in some ways it is; however, no longer will I succumb to fear. Fear has no place in my life. I am no longer fearful of my past, present, and future. I am on the right track and embrace each day, which I will continue to do one day at a time.

Fabulous Friends

With breakfast over I anxiously awaited the arrival of my fabulous friends. The first wave of visitors arrived and my name wasn’t announced. This was a bit unusual because my friends are always one of the first to arrive. A few more minutes went by and my name was called. I walked down to the visiting and saw my remarkable friends. I was greeted with warm embraces and my heart was filled as I sat with them. Yes, they came heavily armed with food and my dear friend made eggplant in hopes to satiate my finicky appetite. This certainly satisfied me as the eggplant was delicious. Really, the eggplant was the icing on the cake as I had a great 3 ½ hours with my two wonderful friends. I love these two people with all my heart. Life is certainly full of wonderments and a scant 3 years ago I didn’t know them. Now not only do I know them, but my life is so much better knowing them. Eventually, the conversation centered on recovery and I enjoyed every moment.

The time seems to accelerate on these visits and it was time for them to head home. I was informed that the reason the GA meeting did not take place last week was one of my friends received some misinformation when they called regarding the visits for last week. Unfortunately, this type of thing happens and it is out of my control. The Sunday GA meeting/visit will reconvene next week and as always I look forward to it very much.

My fabulous friends departed but not before warm hugs were given. These are incredible people and I do love them very much. They walked to their car and I stayed behind (obviously). I waved to them as they drove off. I remained in the visiting area for the next 30 minutes having a very nice conversation. People are amazing (in a good way!) and this conversation was indeed very good. After the conversation, I headed back to camp and watched the NFL game of the year between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts. It should be an interesting few months leading up to the Super Bowl in February.

Release Date Official!

The counselor had arrived and I was ecstatic to see her. I was finally called and I went into the office. I was very impressed because the Counselor remembered my name. This really is no small feat as she sees over 200 inmates on a sporadic basis. As I sat down I was handed some paperwork. This was the paperwork I submitted for the recalculation of my EPRD –estimated, parole, release date. I quickly scanned the bundle of paper and noticed that the person who responded did agree with me that an error had been made. The new date of February 27, 2008 is indeed my official ERPD. This saves me four days from the original March 2, 2008 date and now I can officially say I get out in February. When my wife comes out, I will have three months remaining and when my mother comes out, I will have 38 days and a wake up.

The second order of business was starting the paperwork for my parole to be transferred to Nevada. Strangely or maybe better stated ironically, my mother had just sent me the identical form just yesterday – Interstate Transfer Compact. The Counselor took all the necessary information and will type it up. All I have to do is sign the form when she comes back – hopefully – in two weeks.

The Counselor told me that only one person was denied a transfer because that person lied about having a record in the transferring state. All other transfers have gone through and Nevada is part of the compact with California. Also, the facts that I have a place to live and a place to work are in my favor. The question of restitution was not addressed and I do believe the Counselor knows my case fairly well since there was additional paperwork accompanied. I did ask when I would find out if the transfer will be approved. The answer was a bit distressing as I won’t know until February 27th or possibly one week earlier. I was told I won’t know any earlier than this as all communications go through Sacramento to Carson City. I do believe everything will work out for the best. It will be fantastic to step right into a job when I am released and not be bound to the state of California. Of course I will still be apart from my family as they remain in NJ until the school year finishes. The other option would be to transfer my parole to NJ; however, California does not have a reciprocity agreement with NJ nor do I have any job prospects. Taking that one step further, even though I burned my bridges due to my actions, I have built and rebuilt so many others. These bridges all reside either in Las Vegas or southern California. I certainly have an incredible family who has been wonderful through all this and I am grateful for everyone.

Although I will be separated from my family, I will be able to visit them a few times before we reunite next June. These details will be worked out in due time and I can’t wait to be back together. My daughter will be making her first communion in late April next year and I fully intend to be there as she makes that sacrament. Next year is shaping up to be an incredible time and I am looking forward to the start.

I wrote a letter to my wife and this was the first "non-traditional" letter in a very long time. My wife is extremely busy with day to day life and doesn't have time to write so I certainly don't expect a reply. Each week for the past two months I have written to both of my children and this won't stop until I am released. I "owed" my wife a letter since we really haven't communicated in awhile. We will have a great deal to communicate about when she comes for the family visit at the end of this months which I am very much looking forward to. Also, in the letter I wrote today I put in an order for the food on the visit. Yes, I am still "a pain in the ass" about my food, but my wife still loves me. I don't care about the food as much as I care about being her for three consecutive days.

It is now November and in four weeks from today, I will be holding, hugging, and kissing my wife at the family visit. I can’t wait!

Participating

Last night my name was called over the loudspeaker. I had no idea what was going on but unlike when I first arrived here I would get nervous when I heard my name called. However, last night I walked casually up to the office. When I arrived I was asked if I had ever worked in the “Canteen” (which is the store where we go once a month for certain items). I was certainly willing to give it a try. The next thing I knew I was working side by side with my roommate who was the one who recommended me to help him run the “Canteen”. I was thrilled to help because this was a big form of participation. My roommate gave me a quick run down of what I needed to do and then I was off filling orders. The Canteen works very simply; we fill out an order form and that order is then placed in the Canteen. There aren’t any substitutions nor any shopping at the window. It is a quick efficient system.

My job was to take the order form and fill the orders while my roommate worked the window. Obviously, no money changes hands as it all comes off the inmate’s books. I would take the order form along with a milk crate and put the items in the crate and when I was completed filling the order I would place the form in the milk crate as well and then slide it to the front where my roommate would checkout the items to the person. The hardest part (and believe me none of it was hard) was locating the items in the storeroom quickly. I did well as I only made one mistake which was filling root beers instead of the Pepsis. I thought that was very good but on the other hand my roommate was having a hard time zeroing out the orders. This wasn’t working last night and after the fourth non-zero balance I was asked what I did for a living before I came to prison. My response of an accountant was met with a smile and I was told next month I could help my roommate with the additions on the order forms. This was only a joke but I did feel good to be a part of something.

I worked non-stop for 3 straight hours pulling items for the orders. The evening flew by and the next thing I realized it was 9:00 pm. It was an exceptional evening and I was tired when we were finished. I thanked my roommate profusely for including me and he thanked me for helping. This may have been the hardest I have worked in a very long time and it did feel refreshing.

Happy Halloween!

I received a very pleasant surprise yesterday when my name was announced over the loudspeaker. I arrived at the office and received a book entitled PLAYING FOR PIZZA by John Grisham. My darling sister who is so thoughtful in so many ways sent this. She knows I like the Grisham books and this marks his latest release. I was very happy to get it and so far the story line is quite interesting.

The mail consisted of three letters – two from my mother and one from a very dear friend. In my mother’s letter, she informed me that she will be coming back out here to visit me in January with two of our dear friends who live in Vegas. The airfares into Las Vegas are much less expensive than the airfares into the Southern California airports. The first major event I have to look forward to is the family visit with my wife which will happen at the end of November. I will get to spend 3 consecutive days with her. This will be wonderful and it will leave me with three months to go. When my mother arrives here I will have only forty odd days left which is very exciting. My release date is approaching very quickly!

I attempted to call my family today to wish my children a Happy Halloween before they went out, but I couldn’t get through because of the dastardly clock on the telephone once again. This will be my last Halloween away from my family and next year I will be trick or treating with them and I cannot wait!

Time Stands Still for No One

Most certainly, these days are blending very well into each other. Yesterday afternoon, the two crews that were out on the wildfires in San Diego came back. I heard a few stories of the wildfires, and it sounded like the first two days when the winds were blowing so fiercely were the worst. There was nothing anyone could do to contain the fires at that time so the crews spent the day staying out of harm’s way and cleaning up the highway with all the blown debris. When they finally went to work, they worked 20 hours straight, but after that, the work became less intense. The crews were in the same base camp that President Bush visited. Since they were “inmate” crews, they were not allowed to come out of their tent while President Bush was there. This is so unfortunate because the inmates/firefighters are an integral part of fighting the wildfires. California has had this program for over 50 years, and it most certainly works well; however, there are certain times such as last week when the crews were sequestered during the President’s visit that there is no doubt this is still prison.

One of the reasons why I took an in-camp position was exactly this. The treatment at times is less than human, and I did feel like a five year old. I always believed that the way you treat people is almost identical to the way they will act. This means when you treat a collective group of men like they are five years old, chances are they will act like five year olds. I thought this to be sad because it doesn’t need to be this way. Everyone at fire camp has gone through a lengthy process, and those that are deemed unworthy don’t make it. Everyone here is worthy, yet the treatment could be better. Yes, I understand this is prison and will always be prison. The adage, “If you don’t like it, don’t come to prison” springs to mind. I have been blessed all through my journey, and being at fire camp is most certainly one of those blessings. I am extremely grateful that I am here. All that I am trying to say is that the treatment of my fellow inmates could be a little better. We are all adults, and it would be nice to be treated accordingly.

I listened to the stories of the wildfire campaign and thought to myself how fortunate I am to be in-camp. I didn’t have to concern myself with sleeping in the dirt while the wind blew 90 miles an hour all night long, nor did I have to go in the fire bus which is a mini-prison on wheels. I am grateful for the experience I had, and I am now looking to spend the next four months in complete harmony. The past two months have been wonderful, and each day as I get closer to my release date gets better and better.

Yesterday afternoon, I finally took the time to start the outline for my possible book. The ideas flowed out of my naturally, and before I realized it, I had an entire legal page filled with ideas. I would like to model the book after “The Glass House” which was a memoir. This book started in the present and worked backward. My idea is very similar; however, I am a little uncertain how to tie things together. This was the only criticism I heard of “The Glass House” because even though there was a tie-in, I felt more stories would have been beneficial. Maybe this was the point since less is usually more. My story is nowhere near as tumultuous or fascinating for that matter as the author of “The Glass House.” I do have a message which is very simplistic. The message is personal responsibility because it doesn’t matter how I got here. What matters is that I take ownership of my life and my life continues to improve. I have a long way to go in completing the book, but it will happen. Little by little, I will get there, and who knows, maybe it will be published.

After dinner, the mail call was announced. I received three letters. One letter was from my unexpected pen pal who started writing to me back when I first started this journey some 15 months ago and has kept in touch ever since. In the letter was a picture of me taken nine years ago at a company Christmas party in Las Vegas. The picture is not the greatest, but when I looked at the date imprinted on it, I realized time stands still for no one. I was holding my daughter who was 10 months old at the time, and she was so tiny (also cute I must add). I looked relatively the same, and I believe I have those clothes somewhere in storage. I have aged, but looking at my daughter made me realize that time flies. I remember that Christmas party very well because the gifts given to the children were so generous. I remember doting over my daughter all day as she was just learning to walk, and I would walk with her by holding her hands. Wow, has it been nine years already? I know I shouldn’t do this, but in nine years from now, my daughter will be 18 years old and, presumably, will be getting ready to go to college. Is there any way to slow the calendar down? No, there isn’t, which is why I am making the most of every day, and when I am released in four months, this will be made even more special when I rejoin my family. I can never make up for lost time, but I can make the most of time, and I will.

I was very grateful for this photograph because it helped put everything in perspective for me. Time will continue to move no matter what I do or don’t do. The key for me is to enjoy each and every day one day at a time. Here I was looking at a photograph nine years ago and seeing how much my daughter has blossomed. Life does go on, and thankfully, my life goes on in a positive manner.

I read those three letters I received, and each one was wonderful in its own regard. I composed two letters after reading the mail, and then I lay down to go to sleep while listening to the Billy Joel CD. My sleep was not sound, and this time there were actual external interruptions. My roommate had just watched a movie and was telling me all about it. Once again, another interruption happened at 2:00 a.m. because my roommate received his wakeup call for the fire meal breakfast. This was planned, and two crews were headed out to Orange County. An hour later, the crew which resides in the same dorm received their wakeup call. I was still able to get up at my usual time and begin my exercising.

After exercising, I started my day as usual, and it was on to check-in. At check-in, I was asked about the bad reports on the cleaning of the bathrooms once again, and this time I had a short, succinct reply, “We know, and it won’t happen again.” Apparently, this reply was good enough, and the issue should be put to bed. I am certainly more mindful of the bathroom even after we have cleaned it. An example of this was last night when the two crews came back they had a great deal of garbage that filled up the trashcan in the bathroom. I had to take this trash out to the dump station on three different occasions, and one of these occasions was prior to 5:00 a.m. I know I am doing my best, and if there are more complaints, so be it. I also know the bathrooms are much better kept since my friend and I started to clean them. I can recall a few times prior that the trash was overflowing and the entire area appeared dirty. This won’t happen for the next four months because I am constantly monitoring the bathrooms. Okay, is this actually good that I really care about the cleanliness of the bathrooms? I think so!

Laughed So Hard I Cried!

I had the opportunity to telephone my mother yesterday afternoon. We talked for 30 minutes, and she told me a story that exemplifies how small a world we do live in. I won’t go into the story, but I will say there was a movie (it might have been a book first?) a few years ago called “Six Degrees of Separation,” and the theme of the movie is we are only separated by six degrees. I would move this down a few notches because in my mother’s story I was only separated by one degree. The story was fascinating and so was our entire discussion. My mother did not know anything about why the GA meeting/visit was cancelled, and I am hoping to receive some sort of correspondence later on today. Anyhow, the telephone call to my mother was wonderful.

As was the case the day before, I received a special sauce made by roommate over my noodles instead of the sausage everyone else received. I would say beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I ordered the food here, and it was food I could eat, there would be a revolt. I was very content with the meatless sauce which was very spicy – so spicy I had beads of sweat on my forehead.

Dinner was over, and I sat outside with my two friends (my roommate and the person who helps clean the bathrooms). We talked and watched the sunset. We sat outside for a few hours and then headed back to our rooms. My roommate listened to the radio broadcast of “60 Minutes.” I remember my Dad watching this religiously every Sunday night when I was growing up. Through the years, I stopped watching it for various reasons. I did enjoy listening to it last night, and this may have become our Sunday evening ritual.

The radio broadcast of “60 Minutes” was over, and I started to read “Virtue and Reality”. I made a comment as to how I really didn’t want to read the book because so many of the terms and names were almost impossible to pronounce. This set off one of those “you had to be there to appreciate” moments between my roommate and me. He made a comment, and I started laughing very hard. He continued making comments, and I laughed so hard I cried! This went on for at least 10 minutes, and at one point, I was laughing so deeply nothing came out of my mouth. I cannot possible recreate the moment because it was truly an inside joke, and no one other than the two of us, would appreciate it. I certainly appreciated the deep bellyaching laughter. This felt so good, and laughter is most certainly the best medicine. I haven’t experienced this type of laughter in a long, long time. Had I known prison was this much fun, I would have come years ago, NOT!! Nonetheless, I am making the very best of a bad situation, and if anyone would have told me 15-1/2 months ago when I was first sentenced that I would be sitting around on a Sunday evening as an inmate laughing so hard I was crying, I would have told that person they were insane. Well, it appears I am the insane one, especially considering how much I laughed. This is a good insanity as opposed to my previous insane ways. Amazingly, the situation continues to get better and better with each passing day.

The laughter subsided, and I went about reading the book. I brought up something in the book to my roommate, but I didn’t receive a response, so I looked over and he was fast asleep. He certainly does fall asleep quickly, and I kept the comment to myself. I got up at my usual time and woke up my roommate because he had to be at work earlier than usual. He was very chipper, and this had something to do with my comment to him about not being very chipper the morning before. He made it a point to display a chipper side. He did call me a “freak” because my tone always seems to be positive no matter what time of day. He could be correct because I notice that most everyone is a little groggy when they get up in the morning, and this stays with them for a while. I have initial grogginess, but it doesn’t last very long so I guess I am a freak!

While performing my normal run, I witnessed a beautiful sunrise that was even more beautiful than last week. This was a great way to start the day and the week. The rest of the day was very routine, which is a positive.

Sunday, October 28th

1. Ping Pong Tournament
2. Old Photograph
3. No GA Meeting
4. Two Horses

1. Once dinner was completed, my two friends and I were looking for something to do. I suggested ping-pong and a mini tournament ensued between the three of us. Whoever won would stay at the table and play the person waiting. I won the first match and nothing else until the last match. The games were very competitive even with me! My roommate is probably the best among us as he won the most games. Winning and losing was superfluous because I had a very good time. We spent two hours playing and all of us were laughing and smiling the whole time. I likened this to a Saturday night at the Senior Citizen’s Community Center. We stayed busy and along the way had much fun!

2. My roommate showed me pictures of his parents and his dogs – a Labrador and Golden Retriever – I showed him an embarrassing photograph my mother had just sent me. It was a 24 year old picture of my wife and myself. I think my wife looked very good, but I looked “very different.” My roommate didn’t think it was me since I looked older than I do now, weighed at least 20 more pounds, and had a moustache. Anyhow he had a good chuckle of me from the past!

3. Normally my dear friends are the usually the first – or one of the first – to arrive when visiting opens. Well, visiting opened but my name wasn’t called. Another 30 minutes went by and I still wasn’t called. Normally, I am made aware of when the meeting/visit is cancelled and I hadn’t heard anything this week. I realize that with all wildfires this week, the visiting was in possible jeopardy. However, conditions had improved and I was looking forward to the visit. I do hope everyone is okay and I should find out more later when I call my mother. I do enjoy these visits so much, but I do understand my dear friends have lives to lead. I am grateful for every one of the meetings and I am beyond blessed to have these wonderful people in my life. I’m sure something just came up and they should reconvene at a later time.

4. A few weeks ago I received a narrative poem from a dear friend of mine. It’s beautiful and appropriate to my life. I hope you enjoy reading it.


Two Horses
By Anonymous

Just up the road from my home is a field with two horses in it
From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse
But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing…
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind
His owner has chosen not to put him down, but has made a good home for him
This alone is amazing.

If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell
Looking around for the source of the bell, you will see it comes from a smaller horse in the field
Attached to the horse’s halter is a small bell
It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.

As you stand and watch these two friends, you’ll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse
And that the blind horse will listen for the bell and he slowly walks to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray
When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn’t too far behind to hear the bell.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell
Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way…

Good friends are like that…
You may not always see them, but you know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell and I’ll listen for yours
And, remember…be kinder than necessary – everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Saturday, October 27th

There was no “fire meal” last evening so it was back to my rice and beans which I prefer over the carnivorous fire meals any day of the week. The allergy/sneezing/scratchy throat was still with me after dinner, but I didn’t want to take any medications. I waited for mail call and received my weekly letter from my dear sponsor. He continues to amaze me because without fail I receive a letter every week. My sponsor has a very full life and no matter what is going on, he always seems to find the time to write me which I am extremely grateful.

Buddha

When I went to my room I asked my roommate if he had any allergy medication. He did and told me it made him drowsy which didn’t matter to me because I wanted something to make the sneezing stop. I took the medication and began to read VIRTUE AND REALITY by Lama Zopa Rinpoche. My friend – the one who helps me with the bathrooms – gave it to me. It’s a more in depth study of the teachings of Buddha. I wanted a better understanding of the Tao and some of the concepts which were written. This book does speak more in detail on some of those terms such as emptiness. I became drowsy from the medication and fell asleep.

Visitor

After breakfast, I made a telephone call to a friend who is coming to visit me on November 17th. He is very unique because we met after my wrong doings. We have actually only met one time “face to face” – all our other conversations have been via the telephone. The last time we met was over two years, but we have kept in touch over this time. I was very happy to hear that he was coming to visit and I am looking forward to it very much! My friend did ask me what to bring and if I wanted anything special. These are the times where it would come in handy if I ate like most other people because my response would have been “just bring what you like.” Instead I hesitated and since we were running out of time on the telephone, I told him I would write to him. I don’t want anything special and the fact that I will see my friend is enough for me. However, the visits can get lengthy and my friend may get hungry so I need to write explaining my pickiness. The more I run into these situations, the more I know I am a pain in the ass when it comes to food. I will think of something and regardless of the food, it will be a very good visit.

It has been a strange few days ever since the winds subsided because as soon as they were gone so was the blue sky. The past few days, the smoke from all the wildfires certainly filled the air. However, the haze seemed to be gone and was replaced with a cloudy sky.

The Dreaded Telephone Block

After my hike, I tried to call my wife but was unsuccessful reaching her. The dreaded block was back on her telephone which meant I couldn’t get through. Yes, this is frustrating, but I no longer get upset because it happens seemingly for no good reason. The telephone calls all throughout this process have been a lesson in futility. The telephone company truly has a captive audience and is really fleecing the friends and families of inmates. The choice I have is quite simply either place the telephone or don’t place it. I usually only make one call a week due to the prohibitive cost and sometime like today, I don’t get through because that phone company has blocked my wife’s number due to a billing issue. I guess the phone company has gotten burned with people not paying their exorbitant bills which is why when the bill reaches a certain dollar amount the telephone number is blocked. My wife continues to deal with this and so does my mother.

As I was talking with my friend earlier today, he mentioned that “prison is not supposed to be comfortable” and there are reminders of this on a daily basis. I continue to make the best of what could have very well been a terrible situation. I am not going to get upset over the telephone issue. A great philosopher said, “It is what it is” and this is so right. The best part about today is that it will be the last Saturday I will ever have to spend in prison for the month of October and that is wonderful!

Ah, a Friday Again

The Smoke Filled Air…

set up quite a site yesterday evening. Through the smoke and as the sun was setting and the moon rising the glow of the moon was a very vibrant red color! I’m not sure when the harvest moon occurs now what this looks like but if I had to guess it could have been last night since the moon was so different. It was a full moon and it was as if it was filled with blood a little later in the evening. The red hue gave way to a Halloween orange which lasted much longer. The colors were so fascinating and I suspect the wildfires in Southern Cal had something to do with it or maybe it was the Harvest Moon.

In between the moon color changes it was on to yet another fire meal for dinner. I think this was the fourth dinner fire meal in a row and I would like to know how much red meat is enough?

Sneezing

Yes, today is another Friday once again and the work week has come to an end. This has been a strange week and for some reason it felt longer than usual. I’m sure it had to do with all the commotion in camp which was caused by all the wildfires. Also, in my little bathroom porter world things did seem different which was caused by the comments earlier in the week. This has all been taken care of and today was a normal day. I got a bad case of the “sneezes” and I cleaned the bathroom and it seemed to stay with me all day. Yes, today is a bleach day, but I used much less than normal so I don’t believe the bleach caused the sneezing fit. It probably had to do with the poor air quality as the sky was once again filled with a gray hue. This did make for a spectacular sunrise with beautiful purple, gold, and blue colors surrounding the rising sun. Not only did I have sneezing fits during the day, my throat fills like I swallowed then pounds of dirt. I drank a gallon of water and ate some trail mix in hopes of alleviating the dirty throat feeling but it didn’t seem to work. The sneezing fits have subsided but my throat still feels odd. I don’t believe it is a cold and it is probably an allergic reaction to all the dust and smoke in the air. I know it will pass soon enough.

Fresca

In spite of the sneezing and dry throat I did have a good day. I had a good conversation that was more impromptu than anything. It was great to hear some of the observation that were made as it confirmed my thoughts as well. I even helped my roommate unload the milk delivery into the refrigerator which only involved enough people to get the job done in an efficient manner. I also helped unload the grocery delivery which appeared to be a restocking of the candies and sodas for the fire meals. I didn’t realize that Fresca is still sold and the assortment of sodas were not the usual brand names as well. I was looking for a case of “Tab” but didn’t see any, but it wouldn’t have surprised me if I did! It was a good feeling to help my roommate and did help to pass the day even quicker as I look forward to the weekend and the GA meeting/visit on Sunday.

October continued

Out of Body?

As I was reflecting on this passage, I fell into a deep meditative state for almost 15 minutes. This may sound strange, but I was floating outside my body, but I couldn’t see anything. I felt a floating sensation and was very peaceful. I snapped out of it and was very relaxed. I wasn’t trying to meditate – it just seemed to happen. I really enjoyed how this felt and I think it had a great deal to do with what I had just read. I am getting in touch with my true self and I like the results very much.

Today I was asked to play chess and for the first time in over 30 years, I did play. I got killed but had fun and it brought back memories of when I first learned how to play chess. I remember playing with my grandfather, father and older sister. Nothing has changed as I am still getting killed. And, in a first time in a very long time I played ping-pong with my roommate. Again I got killed which brought back memories of playing with my father at my grandparents’ house in the Poconos. My father and I had some very good matches and I remember getting very angry when I lost unlike I do today.

Mother Dear

I had some writing to do since yesterday I received 5 pieces of mail. I started out the week receiving 5 pieces and ended the week with amazingly 5 pieces. However, the surprising part of the mail last night was that I didn’t receive a letter from my mother. It does happen, not often but it does. My mom has been nothing short of superlative during this entire ordeal and I have lost count of all the mail she has sent me.


Visit from the Past, Present, and Future

My good friend was coming today for a visit from Las Vegas and was bringing me a special sandwich. Yes, “my pain in the ass ways” about food have now infiltrated my friends as I was specifically asked what he could bring. As I was called to visiting, I happily made my way down and saw my good friend. We greeted each other with a handshake and a hug. He said, “It has been too long” and he was correct since I hadn’t seen him since last year. Here I sat with a friend who has seen my past and is now in my present. Hopefully, as I go forward and start work in Vegas, he will be part of my future. He is a remarkable friend because he has never once judged me nor said, “How could you?” He is a true friend and it was great sitting and talking with him. I have always looked up to him and there are many similarities between the both of us. The time flew by so quickly and I enjoyed every minute of the visit. I realize I have lost friends because of my actions and I am positive at one point or another these were friends but my actions negated any friendship I may have had. The very good friend who came today is yet another blessing in my life!

As the visit ended and I walked back to camp, I was a bit down because I saw a glimpse of what might have been for me had I not gone down the road I went down. I quickly snapped out of this and focused on reality. My intention is to walk the walk and so far so good. Today was yet another fantastic day as I was touched by a very dear friend.



Wind and Fire Seemingly Everywhere

All of the crews with the exception of one were called out to the fires on October 22nd. I was speaking with a seasoned inmate/firefighter and someone I would consider the ultimate firefighter. He was asked if he had been out on a fire with such high winds as yesterday and today. His reply was, “Yes, and it is scary as Hell!” Two of our crews are in San Diego and the other is about an hour away. Thank Goodness I chose an incamp job when I did. One year ago this week the deadliest fire in California history started which was the Esperanza Fire which is not far from here. Unfortunately five firefighters lost their lives trying to protect a house.

Around camp there were tree branches and debris strewn all throughout the camp. The winds were so strong that if I tied a sheet to my back, I would have gone airborne! The blowing dust was causing an eye hazard even I didn’t exercise outside today.

Pressure

Being in camp doing my bathroom maintenance, I have been receiving threats in regard to keeping the bathroom clean or I will be sent back to the fire crew. Apparently, the bathrooms weren’t maintained well over the weekend (which are my days off and covered by another person) and I felt the wrath of the “dirty bathroom”. I’m not sure what has happened since I started last month but only until recently I have received these threats. The bathrooms have been cleaner than ever before and we have received many compliments regarding this. But, my opinion doesn’t count for much and I adhere to the thought process in THE POWER OF INTENTION and realized I am powerless within my existence here and I fully accept my lot. I am respectful, have a genuine smile, and say “yes” at all times. In Dr. Dyer’s book he states, “It is much better to observe and say nothing in most scenarios.” This works well for me and my life continues to get better and better.


Fire Seemingly Everywhere but Here

I am approaching the two month mark of coming in camp to become a bathroom porter. These two months and for that matter – the five months I have been in camp have gone by quickly. In these past five months I have had a routine which was no different yesterday than any other day. Since there was so much dust blowing, I went to the library to do my writing which I have done many times in the past. While I writing away, one of those small “tests” cropped up. Sometimes it is difficult to really understand why the rules change on a day to day basis or sometimes it is minute to minute! I have learned not to question and say only “Yes” and “Okay.” One of these scenarios happened yesterday and afterward I was back cleaning the bathrooms for a second time. I didn’t mind this because after all it is my job. A few of the visiting crews used the bathrooms and I along with my partner straightened them up. There are sometimes when I am feeling like my old cynical self and think it would be nice to have a scorecard displaying all of the rules depending on the time of day. I am doing my best and these small tasks are good for me since I continue to learn and grow.



Entitlements

After the bathrooms were cleaned for the second time, my day was officially over and I completed my writing. Since all of the crews were out on fires and there were other crews from other camps here everyone would get afire meal which consisted of steak, fried shrimp, corn, beans, rolls, soda, candy bars and ice cream. The amount of food served is tremendous and I don’t quite understand the rule which entitles the in campers to a fire meal. Really this should be reserved for those directly involved in the fire fighting. I am not complaining at all because my portion was enough to fill me up and I made several people happy. I guess my point is that there is a small faction here who really believes into this entitlement. I know I used to believe heavily into entitlements which caused the bulk of my problem. I do my best to stay away from this type of thinking because for me it doesn’t work. Entitlement is a word I have dismissed from my vocabulary which is why when I hear people speak this way I just smile and remind my self where I have come from.

Letters

The fire meal was over and I watched a little of the football game before mail call was announced. Last night I received four pieces of mail – two from my mother, one from my sister, and the other from a very dear friend. Once again my mother came through with two poignant letters as did my sister and dear friend. These are all blessings in my life and I thoroughly enjoyed reading them.


Firefighters

It wasn’t until lunchtime today that far off in the distance I could see plumes of white smoke billowing into the air. The winds intensity had diminished somewhat but it has been blowing all day long. Hopefully today will be the last windy day so the firefighters can get the ole upper hand on the wild fires. I see that it is very bad in San Diego County with over 300,000 people now being evacuated. I do know a few people who reside in this county and my thoughts and prayers are with them. The firestorm is very reminiscent of 2003 when the state’s largest wildfire occurred in San Diego County scorching nearly 300,000 acres and destroying nearly 5,000 homes. It seems the third week in October is when all these terrible fires occurred over the past few years.

Fire is all around Southern Cal, but the camp seems to be insulated. Since the winds diminished a bit, I was outside early this morning working out in the weight area. My day started threat free and ended the same way. The bathrooms were essentially cleaned twice and the outside areas were cleaned as well. All in all it was a good day and hopefully the weather will change and some of those horrible wildfires will be extinguished. My thoughts and prayers to all!

Highlights of the Second Half of October

Family Visit

Yesterday afternoon I spent most of the time writing my weekly letter to my sponsor. He is an incredible person, and without fail, we correspond on a weekly basis. The letters I receive from him are extraordinary and always contain an uplifting section. He also captures all of the new for the week in a very easy-to-read compact format. I truly don’t need daily newspapers because the news section in my sponsor’s letters is better than any newspaper.

As the date my wife and I had planned on for our family visit (November 9th) was taken, I did find out some of the dates that were available and called my wife. After much indecision, my wife came up with November 30th. This is only three weeks after our initial date, and following the family visit, I will have only three months remaining until my release. Also, this date is closer to my wife’s birthday (December 18th), so we can celebrate it a little early. All in all everything continues to workout for the best, and now I am looking forward to November 30th as the family visit has been scheduled.

I then called my mother since I wasn’t able to speak with her on her birthday this past Friday. Not only did I reach my mother, but I got to speak with my sister and my grandmother. I did speak with my mother at length, mostly about her conversation with the Director of the Las Vegas Recovery Center. I got an outstanding feel for this conversation, and although the job is not 100% committed, I would say the probability of getting the job is much higher than not. My mother also got a good feeling when she spoke with the director, and good things continue to happen.

We also discussed another matter that has plagued me for almost 20 years. I am one class short of receiving my Bachelor’s Degree, and I had asked my mother if she could follow up on this issue. About four years ago, I inquired about taking the class online and was instructed that I needed to be physically present at the University of Maryland for the class since I had not attended a class in over 10 years. After receiving that new four years ago, I became discouraged and never pursued it. Now, I am very motivated to get this done. Once again, my mother came through. As it turns out, I can take the class online and the spring semester starts March 24th, which is three weeks after my release date. This is perfect timing, and I will apply so I can finally obtain my degree from the University of Maryland.

My mother was able to do both of these things this week, and it is very encouraging. Recovery is fantastic as a whole new world has opened up to me. I was told early on in recovery that if you do good things, good things start to happen. This is the law of attraction which I finally believe as “The Secret” and “The Power of Intention” detail as well. I did bad things, and bad things did happen as I am serving a sentence for those bad things. However, now in recovery and learning so much more about myself, I am doing the right things, and the right things are happening. This is so much more than positive thinking. This is positive being. My life is taking shape in the best way possible all thanks to recovery. Without embracing recovery, none of this would have been possible. I am forever grateful for that day 2-1/2 years ago when my world collapsed. It collapsed because my world was built on an inferior foundation, but now, through recovery and “The Power of Intention”, my world is flourishing. Gone are the days of lying, cheating, and stealing, for which I am so grateful. I can look in the mirror and finally know the goodness inside of me. I experienced the badness, and that is no way to live. I am living in goodness, which is the only way to live.

The telephone call with my mother was fantastic and very uplifting. A path is starting to take shape, and this is a very positive path. I will get to see my wife next month, I have a very promising job opportunity when I am released, and I will obtain my degree. Wow, my life is certainly wonderful in so many ways.





Negative Energy

Last night, I received a bevy of mail as I received five pieces. One was a letter from a friend informing me of their visit this coming Sunday. This was very good news since I haven’t seen this friend in over 15 months, and this friend is coming a long way. I am certainly looking forward to the visit, and this is yet another example of the many blessings in my life. Another piece of mail contained a letter from yet another friend who had sent in a visiting form. I haven’t seen them in a long time either. I am not sure how many approved visitors I have, but one of my friends who came to visit me was told I have the most approved visitors of anyone here at camp. I am beyond fortunate and grateful for this and for everyone who has touched my life. I owe all this good fortune to recovery because without it I would be lost, and now I am most certainly found as my life continues to get better.

The morning was very uneventful, and I am doing my very best to avoid negative energy. There seems to be a little from a source which is difficult to avoid; however, I can still avoid the negative energy without avoiding the source. My friend who helps me clean the bathrooms had a close encounter with this source early this morning, and we both agreed, “This too shall pass.” It is unfortunate because we do a very good job on the bathrooms and are NOT problem inmates. We are what is known as “programmers”, which means we follow our daily routine and don’t get into trougly. Why we are being met with negative influences is beyond me, and frankly, I won’t let this get to me at all. I have 4-1/2 months remaining to serve on my sentence, and when March 2nd comes, this is all over. This is a very temporary existence, and those negative influences will live on well past my release. I am working a very good program, and all I want to do is to be with my family. I was rightfully punished for my activities, and thankfully, I continue to embrace recovery, which has given me a new life.



In my wife’s anniversary card, she wrote, “I can’t wait to start our life together again.” My sentiments exactly, and in a short period of time, we will start our lives together once again which will be wonderful. These negative influences are only temporary, and I am grateful for them as a reminder to not fall into the trap. I fell into the trap for a long time, but I have climbed out, and as long as I practice my recovery, this trap will remain closed.





Recovery…

allows me to change in so many ways. I was asked or rather it was more of a statement by a friend prior to coming to prison, “I wonder if prison will change you?”

Yes, prison had changed me and continues to change me in positive ways, I wouldn’t have had the time or inclination to get in touch with my spiritual being for this I am grateful. Speaking of physical changes – the gray hairs that my sister noticed when she visited are now even more noticeable as someone pointed them out to me today. Oh well, this is part of aging and at the very least I still have a head full of hair. Am I vain enough to color it when I get out, I hope not.

The daily verse today is titled LIVING BY MELTING INTO HARMONY. Essentially this is to live a peaceful existence embracing the ying and yang of life. Part of the verse is a task and this task today was “Think of one person who may have wronged you at some time in your life – someone who abandoned you, someone who stole from you, or spread ugly rumors about you. Spend one day putting all thoughts of revenge aside, and instead feel forgiveness and love for that individual. Notice the difference in your body, when you don’t have violent thoughts… this is the essential teaching of the Tao.” This certainly worked for me and is a great exercise. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone practiced this very powerful concept, I think it would.

More of the Same Which is Positive

I had the pleasure of speaking with my family yesterday afternoon. Nothing very much is new as life moves along for each of them. My wife is busy at work and busy with the children’s activities. My children are in the rhythm of school and their activities. All seems very well, and I enjoy hearing their voices. My son is certainly maturing as his conversations keep getting better and better. My daughter is always a character as she is 9 going on 25! I would characterize her as an old soul who is filled with life. If I may go back to yesterday’s discussion on “Life Isn’t Fair”, it may seem that our being separated from each other is unfair. It may, but it is one small part of life. I do believe this time away continues to teach me so much which will make my time with them that much better. It is unfortunate it has taken a situation like this for me to start learning, but it has. I won’t belabor the point as life is neither fair nor unfair. It is what it is, and I am dealing with it accordingly.

Our telephone call ended, and I returned to my room. I ended up spending the rest of the day talking with my roommate and another friend up until dinner. Dinner was the usual Monday night drive thru, and the rest of the evening was spent in conversation and with my turning in rather early.

Tuesday morning flew by with my exercise and with cleaning the bathrooms. On Saturday, a notice was placed in each bathroom that the inmates are no longer allowed to cut their hair in the bathroom. All haircutting must take place in the barber shop (recreation building). Somehow, someone thought I suggested (which means “told”) this to the powers that be, and it got back to me. I am amazed as to how unfounded rumors spread. I most certainly did not suggest this. In fact, I was informed of this new regulation by an officer. Sometimes, perception is reality, and other times, false perception is also reality. I did put an end to this rumor by speaking the truth, but who knows what someone will believe. Anyhow, the new regulation does keep the bathrooms more tidy, and really, the haircutting never bothered me because I have to clean no matter what. I do have to be careful because my perception could be completely off.

"Life Isn't Fair, or Is It?"

I spent 30 minutes talking with my mother on the telephone. I do feel like a burden sometimes because these collect calls are very expensive, but my mother put me at ease when she said, “Who cares!” Yes, my mother is very special, and we had a great conversation. I did get some unfortunate news regarding the possibility of my nephew visiting when my mother comes back in January. My sister doesn’t want my nephew to visit me, and I respect her decision. It is hard for a very young person who is impressionable to come into this environment. It would have been great to see him as our relationship has grown so much in the past six months, but I will see him soon enough when I am released, and I won’t have to wear orange!

My mother and I covered a wide array of topics, and as usual, it was great. I would like to share what my grandmother said as she received a note from me earlier this week. In the note, I thanked her for all that she has done for me over my lifetime. As regular readers of this blog know, I am a very blessed and grateful person. I used these two words – blessed and grateful – in the note I sent to her, and she said, “I get scared when he talks like that.” I think she is worried I will turn into a Bible thumper or Holy Roller. Now, there isn’t anything wrong with very Christian people, but this is not who I am. I do my best to refrain from pushing my views on anyone, and I consider myself more spiritual in a broad sense. I was raised Roman Catholic, and I do believe all religions share a common goal. I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself, but I will continue to say I am blessed and grateful in area of life. I told this story to my friends last night, and they laughed while saying, “Your grandmother is very cool and, obviously, all there.” She certainly is very cool, and for being 85 years old, she doesn’t miss much of anything.

The telephone call ended, and I meandered around before heading to dinner. Later, I was hoping to watch a documentary hosted by Ted Koppel on the Discovery Channel regarding the prison overcrowding issue in California. As it turned out, the broadcast aired at 10:00 p.m. which is well past my bedtime. I did receive a summary on the two-hour program from a few fellow inmates who stayed up and watched it. The reviews were mixed. I think one of my fellow inmates was hoping there was more of a direct message that the prison system in California is broke and that the only way to alleviate some of the problems is to release the lower-level custody inmates (us!). This was not the case, but it sounds like the show was very informative for the public who is unaware of the current situation. I believe Ted Koppel did make a statement at the end of the broadcast stating that the prison system in California is in trouble and that building their way out of it is NOT the solution. I would like to have seen this, and hopefully, it will be aired again. I am not sure if I will see any changes to this system in the next five months as things take time to change. The system is now in the hands of the three-federal-judge panel, and presumably, they will make recommendations soon. I may see some changes to the parole system such as shortening the term to 6 months from 13 months. This is certainly good, especially if I have to wait out the 6 months in California. I do believe some of the guys here will see some relief as they still have a few years to serve, and if some of these guys are released early, the public has nothing to worry about. Most of them, including me, are only a danger to themselves, not the public. The politicians love to spin the rhetoric when saying releasing any inmate early is a threat to public safety. There was a warden featured in the documentary who stated that releasing the lower-level custody inmates would not pose a threat to the public. All I know is my release date is March 2, 2008 (I am still awaiting word on the miscalculation of the four days, which would put my release date at February 27th), and I will enjoy the next five months and look forward to that day.

I woke up at my normal time and did the Monday run. I guess I didn’t earn the nickname Forest (as in Forest Gump) for nothing. Yes, that is right. One of my neighbors has adeptly nicknamed me Forest due to my propensity to run, and run, and run some more. Certainly, I don’t mind, and it is quite fitting. After running, I had breakfast and my job duties. I then returned to my room and started T.D. Jakes’ “Reposition Yourself”. My mother saw him on the Dr. Phil television show and sent me his book. As it turns out, one of my neighbors has the same book and really enjoyed it while speaking highly of the author.

The author, T. D. Jakes, is a tremendous entrepreneur along with being a preacher and a bishop to a congregation with 30,000 members. The book is of the self-help genre and is very well written. Within each chapter is a biblical reference that is later expanded upon. I reached one passage where Reverend Jakes speaks of how life isn’t fair. I have seen this in other self-help books, and ultimately, the authors state this while saying so what, get over it. I really never paid it much thought until reading it is this particular book. I don’t believe life isn’t fair. I believe life is life and really it is what it is. So often, I could get caught up in excuses, and this life isn’t fair is one of these excuses. My father would say to me time and time again that life isn’t fair. I’m not so sure it isn’t being fair. Presumably, if I am a spiritual being having a human experience, life truly doesn’t exist. I am merely passing through. This journey has been labeled “life” for lack of a better term. I believe life is what I make it, and calling it unfair puts anyone at a disadvantage. This all goes toward “The Power of Intention”. When I intend that life isn’t fair, then it is unfair. I look at life as being wonderful. Sure, there are people who come from unfair circumstances when they were younger. Let’s face it. As young people say from birth to the teenage years our lives are a product of our environment/parents. During these ages, we don’t have the ability to fully make our own choices. Does this make it unfair? I don’t believe so because somewhere along the way I started to make my own choices, and some of these were good, and some were not so good. All in all, my life is more than fair, and I love every minute of it.

It's October?

The days blend into each other so nicely that I cannot believe it’s October already and the second day at that! One thing that I continue to learn is time passes no matter what at a rapid pace. Of course, in my current situation, this is a positive, but on March 2nd, 2008, I would like to hit the pause button. Unfortunately, that is not possible, which is why I must enjoy each and every moment one day at a time, and I most certainly will.

Last night was the drive-thru dinner, and once again, my roommate came through with the soy products (burger and sausage). We ate outside at our spot which is at the bottom of the hill. Normally, we sit by the fountain, but ever since we have moved rooms, we have started sitting at the bottom of the hill. The other day we spotted a bobcat roaming around the bottom of the hill some 20 feet away from where we sat. I don’t believe I have seen a bobcat before, and I was surprised how small it appeared. I was very impressed with its very large paws, and it was well fed. The bobcat didn’t bother me because I didn’t bother the bobcat. I watched as it meandered on its way probably looking for its next prey.

After dinner, I found myself watching the Monday Night Football game in the television room. I was interested in the game because the New England Patriots were playing. They are having a very good season. It wasn’t much of a game, and I departed at halftime to pick up my mail. The mail continues to be very good to me, and last night I received three pieces; two from my dear friends and one from my mother. The envelope from my mother contained some notes I have taken over the past 2-1/2 years in hopes of creating a book. I read the notes and realized something I hadn’t realized before about my early entry into gambling. I was a confused adolescent, and my proclivity to numbers along with my need to be liked (especially by my father) paved a road of destruction. It took a very long time on this road of destruction, and now it is a road of construction as I live in peace and tranquility. I cannot put my finger on the exact moment I went from being attracted to gambling to the point I became a compulsive gambler. All through my adolescent development I gravitated towards gambling. Whether it was a nominal wager on the Baseball All Star Game with my father or playing poker with my friends, I enjoyed gambling when I first started. As the years progressed, I became addicted to the action of gambling, which is why I found myself in Las Vegas working for a casino. I always thought it would be great working in the gaming industry because it would satiate my need for action. Almost the direct opposite happened, and my need for action grew as I thought I could be one of the “smart guys.” At one point, I thought I was one of those guys, but I was only fooling myself, and I was very dumb. I got caught up in a never-ending cycle which gratefully led me to where I am right now, prison. I was a prisoner of my own actions 2-1/2 years ago. Now, I am free even though I am a prisoner of the California Department of Corrections. I am eternally grateful for this journey because my life is now better than it has ever been.

It was good to read these notes, and my intention is to draft an outline in the next five months so I can fill in that outline when I am released. I have no idea where it will go from there, but I do know nature will take its course. Instead of plans, I have intentions, and I trust in my intentions more than I ever have in my life. Thank God for “The Power of Intention” because it is shaping my life in a very positive manner along with “Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life” – living the wisdom of the Tao. I continue to find sources of enlightenment, and I am forever grateful.

The early morning cam very quickly, and I was up to do my Tuesday burpee/pushup routine. I continue to be the “wake-up guy” even though I have moved rooms. It seems that if I don’t wake these guys up, they won’t get up. The other day I forgot, and they slept right through. Now, I make it a point to wake them up before I start working out, and they do get out of bed to start their workouts. My lower back was feeling much better. I had a very good workout and started my workday. Everything went smoothly this morning, and I had time to work out again before lunch. When I finished my workout, a fellow inmate came over to me and asked if all the exercise I do is detrimental to my health. I sort of chuckled, but he was serious and seemed concerned for my well-being. I explained that I only do the double-session workout on certain days and that my exercise is part of my therapy. It helps me to pass the time and keep my head clear of any negativity. I enjoy my workouts tremendously, and my intention is to keep on doing them for as long as I can. This was a very nice question, and it showed concern. There isn’t too much that happens in this environment that is a secret, and it is no secret I am an exerciseaholic. I do it because I enjoy it, and I feel healthy. If there is ever a point where I don’t feel healthy, I will stop. I have been given a wonderful opportunity to get my mind and being in perfect harmony. I am taking full advantage of this opportunity, and I am very grateful.

Serenity Prayer Redux

I couldn’t just relax yesterday. Well, that is not entirely correct because I did relax all day. I guess I couldn’t go a day without some type of exercising. Since I didn’t have any visits yesterday, I was struggling to find a routine for a Sunday. Normally, I am out at the visiting area, and my morning moves by so quickly. I wrote for a little while, and I needed something more to do. I decided to do a power-walk around the track and up the hill. I harkened back to the journaling days at Jamestown. My intention was to power walk for an hour, but I was feeling so good I decided to do another hour. I had a grand time walking around listening to the radio through my headphones. There was a great jazz special on the contemporary local radio station, and I was getting into the jazz tunes. I was also getting a big kick out of the DJ who is an old-time jazz DJ with the “voice.” He painted such detailed pictures with his words that I was mesmerized. I had to keep walking in order to listen to him and the great songs. As it turns out, he was promoting an upcoming jazz festival on Catalina Island. Apparently, this jazz festival takes place every year during the first 3 weekends in October. I had no idea, and it sounded like it would be a great show. I’m not a jazz aficionado by any stretch of the imagination, but I do appreciate the genre. Who knows? Maybe one of these years my wife and I will find ourselves on Catalina Island attending the jazz festival.

Since my power-walk was performed when everyone was in camp, I got some incredulous looks as I walked by many of my fellow inmates for two hours. One inmate who I saw after finishing asked me if I walked a marathon?? No, I didn’t walk a marathon, but I certainly enjoyed the beautiful weather and surroundings as I walked. It was a wonderful two hours, and afterward, I really relaxed throughout the day. I wrote some more and found a way to pass the time constructively.

I think I am living vicariously through my roommate because the stories he has from his job here are very funny. I spent most of the afternoon laughing at these stories because he couldn’t possibly make them up. I do enjoy the time with my roommate as we get along very well. I also listened to the radio yesterday afternoon in hopes of finding out if the New York Mets made the playoffs. Unfortunately, they did not make the playoffs, and I am not sure what happened. They were in first place all season long until yesterday, the final day. My hopes for a second subway series between the Mets and Yankees were dashed. There is always next year. I did watch the New York Giants football game last night and left the television room when the giants were leading 16-0 over the Philadelphia Eagles. I couldn’t figure out if the Giants defense was that good or the Eagles offense was that bad. Once again, it was great to be a fan and not interested in only the final score. I don’t even know what the final score was because I was back in my room talking with my roommate as the game ended.

I had my usual interrupted sleeping pattern last night, and my lower back was a little sore when I woke up. The only thing I can attribute this to is the power-walk. I can also attribute this to my roommate who was discussing his bad back at length last night before I went to sleep. I think he was sending me subliminal messages!! I, in turn, got sympathy pain. I doubt this, but I did tell him that, and he laughed. I still decided to run this morning, and after the first few laps, the pain went away. Subsequently after the run, the soreness came back. This is where I need to be careful and monitor my body. I had no problems cleaning the bathrooms, and right now I can only feel a little stiffness.

Today was the first day with a new helper in the bathrooms as the old helper paroled yesterday. I am very fortunate because this new helper is another member of “The View” and a great guy. We get along very well, and this morning we worked well together. We had to take extra time because some of the “executives” from the prison system were walking the grounds. I guess this happens from time to time, and we were diligently working as they came through the bathroom. Also, since this is Monday, the bathrooms do require a little more effort. This make up the bulk of the morning, and the two of us had lunch together at the base of the hill. Once again the weather is beautiful with temperatures in the low 80’s with a slight breeze. Here it is October 1st, and I am sitting here wearing shorts, sandals, and a tank top. You certainly can’t beat the weather in this part of southern California.

I read the daily passage in “Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life” – living the way of the Tao. The passage was titled “Living Calmly.” Once again, the passage was perfect. I have always shown a very calm exterior, but in years gone by, my interior has been anything but calm. Thankfully, over the course of the past 2-1/2 years, I have found the inner calm (peace). I attribute part of this to the “Serenity Prayer.” As I was reading today’s passage, I realized I was using the “Serenity Prayer” all wrong. Often, I have found myself in situations where I have no control (especially in my current circumstances) and would call on the “Serenity Prayer” for guidance. According to today’s passage, “Living Calmly” is the way to live all the time not in certain circumstances. The “Serenity Prayer” says it all, and I believe living this daily is the way to true peace. The passage eloquently states, “The solution for a life of unrest is choosing stillness.” Let’s face it, I have a choice in every moment, and my choice is calm. The passage goes on to talk about being a hostage to your ego. This is so true because my ego falsely gives me a sense of rising above it all. There is no need to rise above anything if I am grounded with peace, calm, and stillness. I have the ability to stay poised and centered regardless of what goes before me. Serenity, tranquility, and calm are the ways of my life, and I am forever grateful.

Today at lunch, I was asked if I have any worries. I thought long and hard about this, and I don’t have any worries. I do have concerns for the welfare of my wife and children but not worries. I am learning to live a centered life in touch with real feelings, and it is truly magnificent. Worry, fear, resentment, and all the other negative emotions have no place in my life. It has taken me a very long time to realize these things, and I am grateful for having finally realized it. Life is wonderful, and a life immersed in calmness is a blessing.