So-Long New Jersey

I have had a wonderful journey these past two weeks. I drove across the country where we stopped and saw some magnificent friends in Las Vegas. After leaving Las Vegas we visited with my dear younger sister and her family in Denver. Then we headed east where it took us three days to get across the country before finally landing at my mother’s house in New Jersey. I spent a very good week in New Jersey visiting with my family and my wife’s family. I had a wonderful visit with my mother, older sister and her family and my mother-in-law. We got to see the newest addition to the family; my brother-in-law’s brand new baby boy. I also attended three fabulous Gamblers Anonymous meetings; one in Denver and two in New Jersey.

These past two weeks have provided with so many blessings which will be with me for a lifetime. My wife and I are departing for Southern California this evening which means it will be the last time I get to see my amazing daughter and son for awhile. I am not serving a life sentence and worst case scenario means I will see them again in two years. I will miss many things in those two years but this is the consequence of my compulsive gambling addiction. I stole from my employer and the laws are fairly clear; when a person steals they are punished.

There are so many forms of punishment; such as being away from my wife and children; losing my home, my career, my car, my savings and being incarcerated in state prison. All of these are a direct result of my denial of my compulsive gambling addiction. However; over sixteen months ago I enter a Program which has given me back my life and my family. I am forever grateful for the Gamblers Anonymous Program and I intend to be a part of this fantastic Program for the rest of my life because it is the most essential part of my recovery.

Last night it was my daughter’s turn to sleep with me. A few months ago when I thought I was going to be sentenced I promised my daughter she could sleep with my wife and me and she did. However; as many of you know I was not sentenced a few months ago and came home. My daughter was very surprised to see me that day but I assured her I would be going “away” sometime in the future. She made me promise her that the day before I go “away” she could sleep with me. Of course I made her that promise. She remembered and waited for me to come home from the GA meeting last night. She did sleep with me the entire night.

We had a little visitor (my son) a little before 6:00 am this morning who also joined us. My daughter made it about another hour before my son’s snoring kept her awake so she headed downstairs at my mother-in-law’s house to watch cartoons. I laid in bed with my son watching him sleep as I did when my daughter slept earlier. These are two magnificent children that I pray to God I have messed up for life with the things I have done to them. All I can do is do my “time” and get back to them as soon as possible and have nothing but time for them.

A very wise man recently told me the way to say you love your children is to spend time with them which I have done in these past sixteen months and I intend to do once again when my “time” is served. I love these two more than anything in the world and the look of sadness of my daughter’s face as my wife and I departed for airport will stay in my memory for sometime to come.

She didn’t want me to go and she hugged me so very tight. She had asked me if I got delayed once again would I return back to New Jersey by the end of the week. I didn’t know how to answer her question because yes, I want to be with my children more than anything but if I am delayed again for the third time another six weeks I don’t know how I will react. If the delay is for an extended period of time (four weeks or more) I do need to get back and be with my family because they matter most.

I took my children to see an old dear friend this afternoon. I know my daughter wasn’t too thrilled to go because my friend has two boys; one a few years older than my daughter and one the same age as my son. I knew my son would have a good time because he always has a good time no matter where he is. My daughter was a trooper and I am so glad she came and spent the afternoon with me and my friend. She wasn’t too bored and I am so impressed with her politeness; she really is a great child.

I had a very nice visit with my old dear friend and we said our “so-longs”. After arriving back at my mother-in-law’s house I immediately took my children to the park across the street. I played baseball with my son and played some games with both my daughter and son on the jungle gym. It was a wonderful afternoon and a perfect way to end a perfect two weeks.

Before departing for the airport I took my two children aside and said my “so-longs”. My daughter was very emotional as was I and my son really doesn’t know what is going on. I know my wife will get about a thousand or more “where is Daddy and when is he coming home?” from my son in the coming weeks, months and years. I told my son to be a good boy and to be respectful to everyone. I told my daughter not to worry and if she has any worries to write them down and put them in her “Worry Box”.

This was an idea from my younger sister and I think it is a great idea; anytime my daughter starts to worry she gets out a pen and paper and writes down her worries then she puts them in a box. After the box gets filled up she and her mother will go through them and the worries will be all gone. The key is to get them out of my daughter’s head and to the box so the box does the worrying not my daughter. She started this last night and she filled up two pages. She didn’t show the worries to any one so she is in control of what she writes down. I know this will help her tremendously.

After telling my daughter not to worry and just enjoy her new surroundings because before she knows it I will be back. We told her it will be two years before I come back (worst case scenario) and she knows she will be ten years old when I come back. Yes, two years is a long time in the life of an eight and five year old but in the life of a forty year old this two years will go fast. I know there is such a bright future ahead of my whole family thanks to my recovery and I look forward to getting on that road very shortly. I need to do my “time”, continue my recovery and get back to my family so we can be together forever.

We finally left for the airport and my dear mother-in-law took us. She is a very kind and generous person. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She is also very emotional and there were some tears as I said my “so-longs” to her. I assured her everything would be alright because I have been given the time by my Higher Power to ensure everything was in order. Now that everything is in order and I continue working my recovery my life is a blessing. My mother-in-law is one of those blessings and I am at peace knowing my family is in her house surrounded by all her love.

All of us arrived at the airport; I unloaded the mini-van and gave my daughter and son a big hug and a kiss. My daughter held on extra long and I assured her everything will work out for the best. My son gave me two extra kisses after receiving his hug and I know whatever happens on Wednesday I have some incredible memories to hang on to. I also have a very bright future to look forward to as long as I get through each day while working my recovery. All of my fond memories are a direct result of my recovery and I know as long as I stay in recovery the blessing will continue.

I said “so-long” to my dear daughter and son and I told them that I love them very much and I will always love them no matter where I am. I am blessed with a great family and my love for them in endless.

Finally; a big CONGRATULATIONS to my dear friends in Canada; Ann and Dan. Today they made their marriage legal. These are two great people and I am honored to call them dear friends. I hope the day in Canada was lovely and I know the ceremony was magnificent. Thank you so much for all that you both have done for me; you have given me so much hope knowing that there is a recovery from this horrible addiction. The two of you are proof positive there is a positive great life after gambling. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Extraordinary People

Today was the last day we as a family would be staying at my mother’s house. My children will be back next week as well as my wife. However; this “appears” to be the last time for me as I am heading back to Southern California to learn my fate next Wednesday (God willing).

Last night my wife slept with my daughter because her best friend (her cousin) went home and my daughter was sad. She was not only sad her cousin went home but she knows I will be leaving for a few years tomorrow which also adds to her sadness. So my wife slept with my daughter to comfort her which means I slept with my son. Sleeping with my son is one of life’s simple moments because he is so peaceful (except for the snoring!) as he sleeps. He has so much energy and goes non-stop all day long that when his head hits the pillow he is asleep in seconds. It is so nice to see him at peace because it is the complete opposite of how he is during the day.

My son also has a habit of snuggling up against me during the night so I have to be careful not to role the wrong way. Not that I would crush my son because I am a very skinny person and my son is extremely solid even though he is five years old. In fact in a few short years my son will weigh more than me and will mostly likely be much stronger. So I better be nice to him!! Seeing my wife with my daughter and watching my son sleep gives me so much gratitude for all the blessings I have in my life. I am so thankful to be in recovery so I can finally enjoy these blessings for their true purpose.

After sleeping in for awhile with my son we finally got up. I went for my final New Jersey workout and my mom made pancakes for the children. On my way to the Gold’s Gym where I have been working out all week I still missed the turn for the fourth consecutive time. For some reason my directionals were all screwed up this week and I had a hard time getting around. I don’t know why because I have been here before and hadn’t had any problems in the past but oh well I was able to find the gym and get home without any incidents even though it took longer than expected.

Speaking of incidents; I finally found out how much my “right turn on red” traffic ticket cost; $85 and apparently three points as well. I don’t know if the points will transfer to my California license which I hope they don’t but assuming I do get sentence next Wednesday my driving record should be clean for a few years while I “serve” my time! Yes, that is a little joke and yes, I do know my situation is serious; however; I cannot take a woe is me attitude or I will be doomed to failure in my recovery.

I did what I did and I will suffer the consequences. I take full responsibility for my actions and I look forward to starting the next phase of my life. Yes, being away from my family will be difficult but it is something I must do in order to repay my debt to society. The Judge will decide what is appropriate next week and I will respect his decision and serve my time to the best of my ability while continuing my recovery.

The children had a great last day at my mom’s; they swam, we played baseball and had a great time. This entire week has been another one of the long list of blessings I have experienced in these past three months. I had a wonderful time with my mom, my stepfather and my grandmother. It was great seeing my older sister and her family. She has three great children and I can only hope and pray my two children turn out half as good as hers. I have a wonderful family and I look forward to many more years of these blessings.

My mom and I spent some “alone” time where we discussed a number of matters and it was good to spend this time with her. She is a very special person to me and I love her dearly. We said two “so-longs” which I will get to in a minute. The first one was at her house when I was leaving to attend a dinner with some extraordinary people in the Gamblers Anonymous Program.

I attended this dinner at the behest of my dear friend Arnie Wexler who I have written about in the past. Arnie and I have only known each other a little over a year but I can him a dear friend. He is a remarkable man who has devoted his life to helping those affected with a compulsive gambling addiction. He has helped me so very much and I was honored to accompany him and 15 other fellow Gamblers Anonymous and Gam-Anon members for a lovely dinner. The dinner was a prelude to the GA meeting where there was a member celebrating 25 years in the Program.

There was approximately 600 years of recovery in attendance at the dinner. I was honored to add my one year to this total. There were some extraordinary people who I had never met before but I felt so comfortable because they had what I want which is recovery and a great life. I know the key to this recovery is working the GA Program to the best of my ability which will provide me with a great life as it has done for these extraordinary people.

Normally, I feel very uncomfortable in a large setting with strangers but none of these people were strangers they were just like me a compulsive gambler trying to get their life together through a fantastic Program. I spoke with so many great people it was invigorating and it was my honor and pleasure to be in attendance with so much recovery.

Twenty-two years ago I received a telephone call from a GA member when I got into trouble the first time with my compulsive gambling and this person could have been in the room tonight. I can harp on why I never attended a GA meeting 22 years ago but that would be counter-productive and at the time I was not ready to surrender. Some twenty-one years later I was ready to surrender and I am very glad to have made this decision because it has changed and saved my life. I have met so many extraordinary people in my short time in the GA Program and I look forward to meeting many many more.

After dinner we all went to the GA meeting where there were about 50 people in attendance and about 1,000 years of recovery in the room. For so long I was afraid to attend a New Jersey Gamblers Anonymous meeting but my first two experiences have been wonderful. It is just like our little group in Southern California; people helping other people to overcome/arrest their gambling problem. The only difference is the number of years in recovery. Our little group is relatively new to GA but the principles are the same. In fact; the principles are the same in any GA meeting I have attended. Yes, the approach or the flow of the meeting maybe slightly different but the end result is always the same; RECOVERY.

GA is not an abstinence Program in my opinion; it is a Program of RECOVERY. I have experienced recovery and continue to experience recovery as long as I work the Program. I am a blessed person with so many blessings and so many things going for me. I know the near future is filled with uncertainties but I also know those uncertainties will not have an affect on me as long as I stay in recovery. This requires me to work the Program each and every day of my life in order to get better. I met so many people with 35 plus years in the Program and each person praised the Program for helping save their lives and get a better life. I know my life was crap when I gambled and now that I don’t gamble and work the Program my life is wonderful.

The meeting was great and there was so much recovery in everyone’s therapy I was blown away. It was not rehashing old gambling stories it was recovery therapy. There were some great stories and some things I had never heard before; I laughed, I cried and I was grateful to be in that room. My mom was also grateful to be in the room and yes, she attended the meeting as well. I am so very happy my mom attended the meeting because she (again) saw first hand what this Program of recovery can do for anyone who works it

Yes, I had to say a second “so-long” to my mom after the meeting and it was emotional but I am very grateful she was there to meet all those extraordinary people. I said my so-long to my dear friend Arnie Wexler and we parted with an “I love you”. This is a genuine feeling and I do love this man because he has been a part of saving my life. Without this Program and without the extraordinary people in the Program I would be a lost soul. I have found my soul thanks to so many people, the Program, my family, and my Higher Power and I look forward to more recovery as each day passes.

Jersey Shore and Left Turns

Before I get into "left turns" in the state of New Jersey I must lay out a disclaimer of sorts; I was born and raised in New Jersey and spent 28 years (with the exception of attending college in California and Maryland) here before moving out west first to Las Vegas then to Southern California.

Driving in New Jersey is nothing new to me but after being gone for almost 13 years I must say making a "LEFT TURN" in New Jersey is an experience!!! As we drove to lunch on Wednesday and as I have been driving to the gym everyday I noticed (now this shouldn't be new to me but it was!!) that I couldn't go up to a light and make a left turn at 90% of the intersections. I had to go to a JUG HANDLE (think of a jug and think of the shape of the handle?) make a right hand turn before making a left turn; make sense???

Some of these JUG HANDLES go through residential neighborhoods and it always looks like the road was added after the fact. I don't know why this has bothered me this week because I used to deal with it on a daily basis but having lived in a place where I could make a left hand turn at a traffic light makes life a little easier. I have been a bit unfortunate this week when we were going somewhere and that somewhere is located on the opposite side of the highway; this would mean I would have to make two right hand turns before making a left!! Make sense???

I am not so sure it makes sense to me and I haven't seen anything other place on where they have JUG HANDLES to make left turns. When I have come upon a traffic intersection and I need to make a left hand turn I am always in the right hand lane so for those 10% of the intersections where I could make a left at the traffic light I always miss my turn and subsequently will have to make a few right hand turns down the road to make my left.

For those of you in New Jersey and have lived in New Jersey know exactly what I am writing about but for those of you who have never had the fortune of coming to this great state I am sure you are saying WHAT!!!! It is a little confusing and I don't know why New Jersey has these Jug Handles as well as many circle transitions from one high to another but they do. I am sure it has something to do with it being the most densely populated state. There are more people in the is little state per square mile than any other state in the United States by almost a two to one margin. Maybe this is why I get claustrophobia when I come back.

With that said; this is my birth place and the place where my family will spend the next few years because there are some remarkable people living in this state. Most of these remarkable people are close family members and I know my family will be well cared for while I am "away".

Tonight we had the pleasure of going to the New Jersey Shore are better known in these parts as the "Jersey Shore". It was a place where my mother and father took me when I was a kid along with my sisters. Tonight we took our children, my mother (aka Grandma), my sister (aka Aunt and Mom) and my nieces and nephew. My children had a blast going from one amusement ride to the next amusement ride.

They wore out their older cousins because Daddy (aka me) doesn't go on any of the round and round rides since I turned thirty-five. I don't know what happened to me because before this time I could go on any ride but I went on a simple Tilt-A-Whirl with my then three year old daughter and I thought the world had come to an end. She wanted to spin faster and I just couldn't. I tried one other time with my son and daughter but had a very similar result. I have refrained every since.

We walked up and down the boardwalk; the children ate boardwalk food (aka JUNK) but that was okay because everyone was having a good old time. I had my version of JUNK which was two slices of real pizza. I say real pizza with a very snobby East Coast attitude because pizza here in the New Jersey/New York area is so much better than any other pizza I have encountered in all of the places I have lived. There are exceptions to the rule like the Colorado Style Pizza at my sister's house in Denver but they are few and far between. There are so many pizza joints and every pizza joint is good and even the bad ones far out do Pizza Hut, Dominos and Little Caesars.

As we walked up and down the boardwalk I realized this was a casino for minors. I have always played the games of "chance" in the past but never went overboard like I did with my sportsbetting thus leading to my well documented compulsive gambling addiction. We finished with the amusement rides and all up and down the boardwalk were these games of chance and some of skill (wink, wink, nod, nod!!). Even in the arcades were slot machines which would spit out tickets rather than money and anyone could play these. I can see how someone of a very young age could get hooked quite quickly.

I had a conversation with my eight year old daughter after we ate dinner explaining to her that all of these games were a form of gambling. I didn't label as bad or good I was just giving her my definition. She seemed to understand by her comments which were no it is not gambling I am trying to win something! I told her that is exactly right but it is gambling because sometimes you win but most times you lose.

The conversation progressed a bit further when I brought up Poker which some of my daughter's second grade classmates play and when she heard the word Poker she instantly said; "Now that is gambling." She was correct and I didn't stop either one of them from playing; they had their own money and they did win a few items. I of course had to abstain from any of the games because all though it was not my so called forte to play these games I don't want to sabotage my recovery by playing some stupid arcade game and have me thinking I am CURED.

There is no cure for me; the only cure for me is to stay in recovery which means to not gamble and be a better person. Tonight I had a great time with everyone because I did not gamble and I enjoyed every moment with my family. I am so very happy to have been given this time to experience these little moments and to be a part of my family. I know my time is now limited and I will take with me so very blessed moments and look forward to many more as long as I continue in my recovery.

Here are two stories in regards to compulsive gambling. The first story has a very interesting last paragraph and it is another story in the long lines of stories which detail where this horrible addiction can take people. The second story is one I read yesterday and I thought it was very poignant. It is from a local New Jersey paper and it is an editorial on the down-side of gambling.

Lunch

My wife and I had the pleasure a meeting two magnificent people for lunch. Life does work in strange and mysterious ways because these two people are friends of my mother's and have something in common with my wife and me. These two fantastic people who are also husband and wife were faced with a very similar situation to my wife's and my situation some 14 years ago. In fact; their situation was much more severe than my situation and they made through to the other side which was so nice to see.

We spent two hours talking about our situation and how it relates to their situation. These two people were complete strangers when we met because neither my wife nor I had ever met them before; however; by the time we finished lunch we seemed like old friends.

About 16 months ago I didn't understand what a Higher Power was nor did I care. In fact; I was a bit anti-religious at this period in time and when I entered the Gamblers Anonymous Program I saw references to God and didn't know how that applied to the Program. Well some sixteen months later I am still not a very religious person but I am a very spiritual person. There is a Higher Power in my life and this Higher Power works in magical ways and my Higher Power has been hard at work in the last three months.

Almost three months ago I was supposed to have been sentenced to a prison term which still needs to be determined; however; there have been some legal issues which need to be decided so I wasn't sentenced which has turned out to be a blessing. At first I thought it was going to be a curse because I do want to get on with my life and the only way for me to get on with my life is to serve my "time". However; I have discovered that my Higher Power which I have changed the name from God to the Spirit was not ready to let me go. There was unfinished business and more learning to be had.

The unfinished business was showing me two people who have experienced what I am about to experience and both of them made out very well. The first person I met while working out in Southern California and I was assured it will be tough but not impossible. The second person was one part of the tremendous couple my wife and I met yesterday. I was also reassured that it would be tough but not impossible. I know I will make through whatever period of time the Judge deems appropriate as long as I continue working my recovery and get better as a person.

Yesterday was the first time my wife had met another wife who has experienced what she is about to experience which is having a husband serve "time". My wife asked some very good questions and she was reassured she will make it because right now it appears we are making all the right decisions. My wife is in a spot where she is comfortable and the children are also comfortable. My wife also knows this spot is temporary and we cannot make any long term decisions until my time has been served. This is the best place for both my wife and children and I know my wife will make it through the next few years with flying colors.

My wife and I made an almost 3,000 mile drive to a place where we both grew up. We have been removed from this place for almost 13 years and so much has changed for both of us. My hopes for my family when we left New Jersey was to provide them with a better of quality of life and I believe I did that with the exception of my huge mistake. My hopes are still the same when I serve my "time" to provide my family with a better quality of life.

I know it will be difficult at times for both of us but I have known my wife for 24 years and we have a solid foundation to build upon which will get us to our goal. The situation right now is temporary and some time in the near future we will all be back together as family and enjoying each blessed moment. I know there have been so many blessed moments over my lifetime and I look forward to many more in the years to come. However; none of these blessed moments are possible if I don't work my recovery and I intend to continue working my recovery one day at a time.

Finally, my mother was so kind to set-up the lunch with these two great people and I am forever thankful in so many ways for my mother. She went out of her way to see that my wife and me were getting the right information about my situation. Life does work in mysterious ways and I am so grateful to have a mother and a Higher Power which are looking out for me and my family. I do have a wonderful life and it will remain wonderful as long as I stay in recovery.

Fourth of July 2006

Happy Fourth of July to everyone in the United States (I guess most other countries don't celebrate this holiday!). I hope everyone had an enjoyable holiday and the weather cooperated with any outdoor activities. Here on the East Coast we enjoyed another hot and sticky day with a brief thunderstorm late this afternoon. I had a great day; yes, I went to workout again in the same Gold's Gym and today the air conditioner seemed to be working better; however; by the time I got to my car after finishing my workout and taking a shower I was sweating all over again. I guess this is something I will have to get used to but I do like the low humidity much better where everything doesn't feel as wet.

After working out I met the rest of my family, my mother and my niece for a round of miniature golf. Even though it was 90 plus degrees with 90 plus percent humidity the children enjoyed themselves especially my son. My daughter only made two comments about the heat while playing and was very happy when we finished the 18th hole. My son loves playing any sport and the heat didn't matter to him he wanted to go on and on but we all decided to get ice cream next door to the miniature golf place.

The ice cream place was a very large ice cream story which not only had 112 different flavors of ice cream; it also had a full service kitchen. This is something that is only found in certain places in the country and I didn't see an ice cream place like this in Las Vegas or Southern California. Even though I don't eat ice cream I was impressed with the total number of ice cream flavor choices. For me it is easy; I get either vanilla or chocolate yogurt and today I did a combination of the two. However; for the rest of my family especially my wife it took sometime deciding on a flavor. We finally sat down after what seemed like an eternity of choosing to eat our ice cream and my yogurt. Yes, my yogurt was very good and it appeared everyone like their ice cream as well.

It was a nice break from the heat and the most important thing was accomplished; the children had a great time. My mother has been exceptional with my children and my niece who is spending the week to be with my daughter. Before miniature golf she took them to the Build-A-Bear Workshop where she spent a fortune on four stuffed animals. For those of you who don't know what Build-A-Bear is all about consider yourself very fortunate and for those of you who do I think you know what I am talking about. This concept is a great concept from an ownership standpoint; however; for the parent/consumer it is a losing battle. But in the end the children built their stuffed animals and will have them for long time to come.

When we arrived home at my mother's house the children wanted to go swimming and they wanted me to join them. Of course I was happy to join them; however; our swimming was interrupted by a passing thunderstorm. It lightening, thundered and rained for about 30 minutes which seemed to cool things down a bit (not much but I will take a cooling down as a good sign!!). After the rain stopped grandma and grandpa took the children to the park so my son could get out his five year old boy aggression. This was accomplished when they arrived home about an hour and half later.

Even though we didn't see any fireworks today because we saw them yesterday and will see them on Thursday I had a wonderful day. The days and weeks and now the year has passed so quickly since I have been in recovery from my compulsive gambling addiction which is stated so eloquently in the Gamblers Anonymous Program.

Now I know the meaning of being PATIENT while I work my recovery as taught to me by the GA Program because no matter what uncertainty has transpired in the last 16 months I know my days are so much more fulfilling now than they have ever been in my life. I do have a great life and I thank God each day for giving me the strength to work my recovery to the best of my ability because there are so many blessings and gifts in my life. These past two weeks I am experiencing all the joys of my life which are my FAMILY.

I will leave you with another story of how out of control a compulsive gambler can get if they do not choose to recover. Yes, the story is from Australia but to me the addiction is the most important factor. I as a compulsive gambler would continue to gamble no matter the consequences; prison, insanity or death but now I know there is an alternative and that alternative is to recover and LIVE a wonderful life.

New Jersey & You

A few years ago or actually for a number of years the state of New Jersey had a slogan; "New Jersey & You Perfect Together". This slogan was replaced with a very well publicized call from the governor's office to the people of New Jersey earlier this year and the winner was "New Jersey, Come See For Yourself". I lived in New Jersey from birth to the age of 28 with the exception of attending college in Southern California and Maryland I never really considered New Jersey and me perfect together. I was always looking for a way to escape for somewhere else. I thought I found that perfect place in Las Vegas when I moved with my wife some 12 1/2 years ago.

Las Vegas for a compulsive gambler like myself wouldn't seem to be a great mix; however; my gambling compulsion was with a computer so it doesn't matter where I reside because computers are accessible everywhere. I had a great time in Las Vegas and it will always have a near and dear place in my heart because both of my children were born there. After spending 7 1/2 years in Las Vegas I was presented with a career opportunity which took me to Southern California. Now most of you know what I did with that career opportunity because of my compulsive gambling addiction; however; I really enjoyed the five years we spent in Southern California.

Yes, the weather was great in both places even though it can get fairly hot in the summertime but it really is a different type of heat (dry). It is a hot heat where you can escape in the shade or indoors. Whereas in New Jersey it is a humid heat and although the temperature maybe less here in New Jersey than it is in both Southern California and Las Vegas but to me it feels worse here in New Jersey. Take today for instance; I worked out this morning in quite possibly the hottest Gold's Gym I have ever worked out in and I have been in some very hot and sticky places like Mississippi. I kept asking the people who worked at the gym if the air conditioner was working and they replied; yes. They could have fooled me!

Normally when I work out I sweat a great deal and I usually end up with buckets of sweat around the bicycle or treadmill. This morning I started sweating the instant I entered the gym and haven't stopped since. I normally start sweating around the 10 minute mark on the whatever aerobic conditioning I am doing; this morning I was sweating profusely around the 10 minute mark and I had to slow down at a part in my workout that I normally start accelerating due to the heat. I swear I was sweating more when I got out of the shower than I did when I was working out. I am not used to the humidity and everything around me feels wet. I will take 105 degree heat with 6% humidity over 85 degree heat and 100% humidity any day!!!

I have come to New Jersey for a very special purpose which is seeing them in a place that they are well cared for. I know they are in a place that they are well cared for because they are surrounded by very loving and caring people. Today I had the pleasure of spending the day with my in-laws. We had a very good day and thank god my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have a pool because I spent practically all of the day in the pool with my son and daughter. This evening we saw a very special fireworks show which made my daughter very happy. It was a great day being surrounded by such great people who really care for me and my family. These are the true blessings in my life.

I know there is not a great deal I can do about my situation the only thing I can do is to work my recovery every single day to ensure those horrible demons stay arrested. I do know I am doing the right thing and whatever happens in the next few years is going to happen. It really doesn't matter if I am in a place where I sweat for three months out of the year or I freeze for another three months; at least I can tolerate the other six months!!!

Just joking; what I realized today hanging out with those special people is I am a very selfish person. I moved to Las Vegas because I wanted to get away from New Jersey. I did convince my wife to go but I believe she went to Las Vegas because I persuaded her. I then selfishly moved our family to Southern California because I thought it was the right thing to do. Again; I persuaded my wife because she was a little reluctant at first for various reasons.

Yes, we had a good time in both Las Vegas and Southern California but now it is my wife's turn to make the decisions because I have exhausted all of my options. If she believes that New Jersey is the place to raise our family when I get "out" then I must respect her wishes because God knows she has respected mine for a very long time. I need to constantly check my ego at the door and put my selfishness in a box. If I don't do these things those ugly demons will rear their ugly little heads and I don't want this to happen. If this happens then it is the end for me; literally. I don't want my life to end because of my pettiness.

I made a very large mistake some three years ago when I starting doing all those bad behaviors. I will be paying (both financially and emotionally) for this mistake for my lifetime but that really is okay because those mistakes have saved my life. I now know what recovery is all about and I love it. I want to stay in recovery and live a good life with a positive purpose. I cannot live a good life with a positive purpose by being selfish. I must become selfless like so many great people in the Program who I admire and love. They have taught me what is necessary to survive this addiction and I want to survive more than anything else in the world. By surviving I can have a great life because my survival in the short time of my recovery has been incredible and I look forward to many more great days.

Finally; it was so very nice of the state of New Jersey to basically shutdown while I am here for my visit. The state of New Jersey is at a budget impasse so many of the the state agencies have closed for an undetermined amount of time. Some of these agencies include the lottery, racetracks and oh by the way the casinos in Atlantic City. The lottery and the race tracks have already closed and the casinos in Atlantic City will close on Wednesday so if I can get rid of my on-line connection this would be a perfect place to work page 17 of the Gamblers Anonymous Program because many of the gambling temptations have been removed!!!

I did pick a great time to come to New Jersey but I do know those gambling operations will be up and running soon because they make too much money for the state. I also do know in order for me to work my recovery successfully I cannot gamble. So it doesn't matter if those state agencies are not in operation; for me the only way for me to now gamble is to work the GA Program each day one day at time. It has worked for the past sixteen months and I know it will work each day I work the Program. I worked the Program today and intend to work it tomorrow and my life continues to get better.

The second final thought I have is a link to sentence the Judge in my case made. In fact my Judge made reference to this case when we were going through my first sentencing hearing. I know this has no bearing on my case whatsoever but I found the story very fascinating.

Bountiful Blessings

Last night right before we arrived at my mother's house my daughter could not contain herself. She was so excited when we reached the exit off of the freeway to my mother's house. My daughter kept saying outloud; "I can't wait to see Grandma, I can't wait to see Grandma." This went on the entire 7 minute ride from the exit. My daughter knew her best buddy in the whole world her cousin would be there but she was very focused on her Grandmother.

My mom and my daughter have a very special bond and it is so nice to see how this bond has grown over the 8 years of my daughter's life. I don't know if living so far away from her has affected this bond but I do suspect it has something to do with it in a very positive manner. Absence does make the heart grow fonder and I know my daughter cherishes every minute with her grandmother.

We pulled into the driveway and my daughter ran to the backyard towards my mother and greeted with a big hello hug. My daughter was so excited to her and then she set her focus on her cousin. She quietly went up to her cousin and said hello; from that moment on the two were inseparable. My daughter and her cousin are 10 months apart; my daughter is 10 months younger. They always enjoy their time together and the two of them get along so well. My sister was so kind to let my niece (my daughter's cousin) stay the week at my mother's house while we are here. In fact; my daughter will be getting some bonus time with her cousin next week while my wife and I are back in California.

My dad will be coming in next weekend he will get to see all of his grandchildren in one place for the second time in a little over two years. The last time was at his 60th birthday celebration in Florida (where my Dad lives) and all of us made the trip. Unfortunately due to my "status" I will miss my Dad by a few days. I haven't seen my father since all of this happened and I know of all the people out there he is the one I have hurt the most. I know there will be a time where will get together and see one another but at least he will get to see my children and all of his grandchildren when he is up in New Jersey next week.

My son was in heaven last night because his favorite person on the face of the earth was at the picnic; this would be his big "boy cousin". My nephew who is an outstanding young man; he plays so well with my five year old son and even though there is an 8 year difference they have a great time together. My son loves to hang out with older boys and he loves to play any kind of sport; as long as the person is playing the sport with my son it doesn't matter who they are because this is what my son wants to do most. It was so nice to see them interact and I am blessed to have such wonderful nieces and nephews. My immediate family is a very large blessing in my life and my extended family is another huge blessing in my life.

A quick story about last night; my daughter and her cousin slept (well they were supposed to sleep but that didn't happen) together last night but some how managed to stay awake for most of the night. My mom was playing Chinese Checkers with them at 2:00 in the morning and after that my daughter and her cousin stayed awake just talking. At about 5:15 am we were all waken up with a scream from my daughter. Apparently the ceiling fan in the room where my daughter and niece were sleeping in malfunctioned. There was a spark and the fact that the two of them were still awake at this hour; they saw the spark and it really freaked out my daughter.

My daughter called for my Mom not me and not my wife her grandmother. She knows this is grandma's house and she wanted grandma. Grandma came into the room and tried to console my daughter. Fortunately no one was hurt and there was no damage; also no one could figure out what happened but this ceiling fan has officially been decommissioned. After my mom tried to console my daughter I went in and talked to her. Where I learned she wasn't sleeping but just talking with her cousin.

I did my best to tell my daughter the fan had been disconnected and this wouldn't happen again. Yes, as I have mentioned before my daughter is a major worry wart and this little episode certainly does not help her cause. She did get to sleep for a few hours of sleep but she was ready to go to the park with my mom, her cousin and her brother. My daughter did crash early this evening because she was exhausted.

Another one of the blessings that have been bestowed upon me is the Gamblers Anonymous Program. This evening I attended a GA meeting in New Jersey. I had heard mixed reviews about GA on this side of the country but I heard the meeting I attended tonight was a very good meeting. The person who told me this was a good meeting is someone I respect highly and is a regular attendee at the meeting and they were absolutely correct. It was a great meeting.

This meeting was step meeting which is a little different from a regular meeting. At a step meeting we discuss one of the twelve steps of recovery at length and at the end of the meeting if there is time we do regular therapy/sharing. This being the seventh month the group was working the seventh step; Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings. We discussed this step at length and even though there were only seven people in attendance this was a STRONG meeting.

When I state STRONG I mean there was a great deal of recovery in the room. There were some very strong members in attendance and I was so happy I attended. Normally they get between 18 to 20 members but this being a holiday weekend the attendance was down but that didn't matter to me.

I have only been to one other step meeting in my area and it was a great meeting but it was so nice to be at a step meeting with people who have significant time and recovery. One member has 34 years in the Program; another member has 20 years and few others had 6 years; I was the baby of the group and it felt great. The meeting last and hour and half with no break. This format worked great and we had some time for regular therapy/sharing at the end. I did share my story and all of the members came up to me at the end of the meeting and were so wonderful. I received many hugs and handshakes; I also received a few telephone numbers. These were great people helping other (me) people with a compulsive gambling problem. The Program was working tonight.

I stayed awhile after the meeting talking with some fellow members and I do hope to attend another meeting while I am here in New Jersey. There is a meeting on Friday where a member is celebrating 25 years in the Program and hopefully I will get the opportunity to attend. If not; I do know where to find a wonderful meeting with some outstanding people.

It is a bit funny (maybe that is not the right word) that 22 years ago I received a telephone call from a member in GA when I lived in New Jersey and he scared the bejesus out of me enough for me to stay abstinent from gambling for a few years but I was so scared I didn't enter the GA room until 21 years later. I thought GA in New Jersey was scary but tonight completely disproved my fear. I was so wrong it is quite the opposite. These are great people helping one another and I am so glad I got this opportunity to dispel a myth I had for a very long time.

I have so many blessings in my life and it doesn't matter what happens in the next week and half because as long as I work my recovery the way it should be worked I will have these blessing and more for a long time to come.

Finally; on my drive back to my mom's house from the meeting in a thunderstorm something that has never happened before happened to me; I got a ticket. No, it was not a speeding ticket and it was not a ticket for running a red light. I got a ticket for making a right hand turn at red light. I made a complete stop and looked to my right where there were no cars coming and proceeded to make the right hand turn.

Apparently there were two signs which stated; "NO TURN ON RED" which I did not see. As I made the right hand turn on red there was an unmarked police car directly behind me who immediately pulled me over. I did not fight the ticket; I was very respectful to the police officer but he gave me the ticket none the less. I am not sure how much it will cost because it didn't state this on the ticket itself. I need to go on-line tomorrow and find out how much it will cost.

As the officer handed me the ticket I apologized once again but this didn't even ruin the high I had from the meeting. I was not angry at anyone including myself; I made a mistake and this police officer had witnessed this mistake. Yes, this is the first time I have ever received a ticket of any kind in the state of New Jersey. I have gotten tickets in Nevada and Ohio before but never in New Jersey.

Things like this happen and I accept it. When I find out how much the ticket costs I will pay it and be done with it. Yes, it was unfortunate but I had such a great day that this minor inconvenience is not going to ruin. I thank the GA Program for teaching me what matters most in my life which is working my recovery. I am a grateful compulsive gambler happily in recovery.

We Made It!!

At 7:00 pm Eastern Daylight Time we arrived safely with no incidents, no speeding tickets, no childish episodes but with one STUPID remark (more on that later) at my mother's house in New Jersey. We started our cross country adventure last Saturday and after a few stops (Las Vegas, Denver, Columbia, Missouri, and New Paris, Ohio) and 2,974 miles we pulled into the driveway of my mother's house.

My mother and stepfather were holding their annual Fourth of July picnic which usually brings in a big crowd of family members mostly from my stepfather's side (he has a very large family) and this year was no exception. It was the first time in a very long time; in fact I don't remember the last Fourth of July picnic I attended at my mother's house. I have been gone for 12½ years so it was at least 13 years ago.

Most of the people who were attending the picnic I had not seen in a very long time. Some of the children in attendance I had only seen pictures of and had never met; this was the first time I was meeting them. Everyone was very nice and most know of my "situation". Everyone has been great and supportive with nothing but best wishes and prayers.

This is certainly not how I envisioned my life coming back to New Jersey. I know my stay here is temporary and who knows what the future holds all I can do is concentrate on today and today I made a very selfish STUPID remark to my wife. As we entered New Jersey and after leaving the Pennsylvania Turnpike we paid the toll and the toll taker was very different from the toll taker in Colorado (incidentally the only other toll on our entire journey before getting to Pennsylvania) who was very courteous and greeted us with a "have a nice day". The toll taker in Pennsylvania before arriving in New Jersey didn't have a "have a nice day" or even a thank you. As we drove over the Delaware River into New Jersey I had a huge pit in my stomach. I can make a whole host of excuses but they would only be excuses because what I said to my wife was just plain rude and WRONG.

As we entered the New Jersey Turnpike on our way to my mother's house I told my wife if she really wanted to stay in New Jersey after I did my time than we may have to discuss a custody arrangement with the children because I don't know if I can live here. After I said this I immediately knew I was so WRONG and was being so selfish. Here I am having made my wife move back to New Jersey because of the horrible stuff I did and I am telling her I can't live here in this state even if she wants to. This is a very selfish act and after seeing how my wife reacted I instantly apologized.

I do regret saying those words because being with my wife and children is what matters most to me. It doesn't matter if we live in Antarctica; as long as we are together is what matters most. I don't want to be a half-time parent; I want to see my children grow up and be part of their lives. The only way I can do this is respect the wishes of my wife and live where she says we should live.

I have loved being out of New Jersey for the past 12½ years and I thought living in Las Vegas or Southern California would provide my family with a better quality of life. However; I squandered this opportunity and I don't have any choice in the matter. The only option I have is what my wife says I have. My options and choices are gone because of the horrible decisions I made. I can blame my compulsive gambling addiction but what good what that do.

I must constantly learn each and everyday and live honestly and openly. My remark to my wife may have been my way of trying to be honest with my wife but I had no right to invoke this one her. She has been there for me for so long and she deserves better. I must respect her wishes and not be selfish. My selfishness is what got me into trouble in the first place. The needs of my family come first and hopefully I have learned a valuable lesson.

Our long journey across the country came to end today and yes, I had mixed emotions. I was glad the long drive was over but I was sad because I know the days of me seeing and being a part of my family's life are limited. I have only one week left with my children before I return to California and (hopefully) hear my fate. I know my children and my wife are in good hands with my wife's family and my family. This is the right place for my wife and children when I am "away".

I will have peace of mind knowing they are in a loving and caring place. Yet, it is hard for me to let go but I really have no choice. I must constantly remind myself to let go and let God. God does have a very special plan for me and my family and this is the very beginning a very special time in all our lives. I look forward to going on this special journey because so far so good.

Day Seven of our Adventure

After a very long day driving yesterday we got a very late start this morning. My wife was the first one awake this morning which is very unusual because I am usually the first one up and ready to go. I was very beat and didn't sleep that well last night because I was listening to my daughter grind her teeth for most of the night. It was a precious moment the first time but it continued at length for most of the evening. I hope this a phase because she may not have any teeth left when she is 13 if she continues this grinding. My son snores (as do I) fairly loudly and my daughter grinds her teeth but I would trade all the sleep in the world to listen to these two do this over and over again.

I did finally settle down to sleep early in the morning and I heard my wife in the shower. I did get up and wake up the children around 8:00 am. I knew today would be a difficult driving day for everyone because we went so far yesterday so I only wanted to do 8 hours of driving. I mapped it out on the internet and if we left by 9:30 am we would be in Columbus, Ohio by 6:30 pm even losing the hour going from Central time to Eastern time. However; by the time we go on the road it was 10:30 am Central time.

I didn't want a reprise of yesterday so we would stop driving around 6:00 pm wherever we were. We went through Missouri to Illinois to Indiana and finally stopped on the border of Ohio. We were about 90 miles short of Columbus, Ohio but we found a very nice hotel here on the border of Indiana and Ohio. Tomorrow we will be longer day than I had expected because I want to make it to my mother's house in New Jersey. We have a little over 600 miles to go which should take 9 hours. If we get out by 9:00 am we should be at my mom's house at 6:00 pm.

When we stopped we had a very nice dinner and the children got to swim in the hotel's swimming pool for about an hour. They desperately needed some physical activity and thank God they got to swim. The children had a very good time swimming and after swimming we got them some ice cream. It was a very relaxing evening and the last evening all of us will spend in a hotel for some time to come but that is okay because there will be more memories to cherish in the future.

As a quick aside; when my daughter was getting out of the mini-van she put on her sandals on the wrong feet and she said to me she is so "dumb"; I told her she is not "dumb" if she puts on her sandals on the wrong feet in fact she is very smart. I proceeded to ask her some easy questions starting with her full name and then I ask her where does she live and with a smile on her face she said; "I really don't know because we left California and I don't really have a place to live." I told her that was a great answer and to not worry about that and by the way in which she answered she was NOT worried about at all. I told her she is going to live with her grandmother in New Jersey for awhile and we will all be together as a family in a very short period of time; and we will make a home somewhere whether it is New Jersey, California, Las Vegas or anywhere else the fact that we are altogether is the only thing that matters.

My daughter seems to worry about many things much like I did when I was her age. I used to worry so much I would give myself stomach aches. My parents took me to the doctor who intern referred me to a specialist and I was diagnosed with an ulcer at the age of 9 one year older than my daughter. I don't know if my daughter is on this same path and I hope she is not but if history does repeat itself I will do everything in my power to ensure she does not pick up anymore of my bad traits by making her aware of all of my mistakes. She is a great kid and is destined to be a great woman. I know she will get there and I look forward to seeing her blossom as the years go by.

Back on the Road

I woke up a little before 7:00 am Mountain Time this morning which was a little later than I wanted to. However; we are not on a time schedule and when we get to our destination (New Jersey) we get to our destination. After taking a shower I promptly woke up the rest of my family in order to get on the road (again) at a reasonable time. I loaded up the ruminants of our "stuff" into the mini-van. (Let me tell you we have a great deal of "stuff" in the mini-van!!) We said our "so-longs" to my sister and her family which wasn't sad it was actually invigorating.

As I stated yesterday my sister has become such a special person to me I know whatever time I miss with her and her family in the coming years I know she will remain a very special person to me. I also know that no matter what happens in the coming weeks no one can take away this very special time from and I am forever grateful for this opportunity to experience the many blessings in my life.

After saying our "so-longs" we were on the road at 8:20 am Mountain Time. My goal (I like to have goals which may or may not be a character defect?) was to get to Columbia, Missouri this evening. Unfortunately my goal and my wife's instructions were not the same. My wife wanted to be done driving by 7:00 pm so we could get a good dinner and have the children go swimming at the hotel. My calculations were a little off because I forgot about losing the hour when we went from the Mountain Time zone to the Central Time Zone in Kansas. Needless to say we arrived in Columbia, Missouri at 8:30 pm Central Time after stopping in construction traffic for 45 minutes.

My wife was not too happy with me when we sat down to dinner at 9:15 pm at the Cracker Barrel. My poor wife had a rough evening (as if completely upsetting her life over 16 months was not enough!!) after arriving in Columbia, Missouri late in the evening. We went to the Cracker Barrel Restaurant and if anyone has traveled across the United States knows that there seems to be a Cracker Barrel Restaurant at every exit!!

My wife had never been to this restaurant and there appeared to be a shortage of restaurants at this hour we decided to go. Now those of you who know my eating habits know the Cracker Barrel is not a great place for me to eat; however; I certainly owe my wife so much it was in everyone's best interest to try it. My wife was having a hard time ordering her dinner because every time she ordered something the waiter would come back and inform her they had run out of it. She finally settled on having breakfast for dinner and her pancakes and sausages were a bit overcooked. By the way my soup and salad was okay. We finally finished dinner a little past 10:00 pm and headed back to the hotel. The children took their showers and finally went to sleep around 11:00 pm; this was a very long day for everyone.

The hotel had two queen beds and my wife slept with my son and I slept with my daughter at their requests. It was a very simple thing and something I had not really thought about but the fact that my daughter wanted me to sleep with her and give her a feeling of security made me feel very good. Normally my daughter takes a while to fall asleep but not tonight she was asleep in seconds.

It was a very long day but a great day that was shared with my family. After departing my sister's house this morning we made a very long journey through the high plains of eastern Colorado and Kansas. There is so much undeveloped land in this part of the country I was amazed. We drove hundreds of miles without seeing any housing developments and any industries of any kinds. We drove through endless wheat and alfalfa fields but no commercial developments. This is a far cry from Southern California and New Jersey where there are endless residential and commercial developments. I saw a sign in Kansas along the freeway which was offering FREE land for an industrial development. There aren't any freebies to be had on either coast so I was simply amazed by how much raw land that is available in this part of the country.

The terrain throughout the 750 mile drive was of rolling hills. Not exactly an exciting drive and thank God we did this during the daylight because it would have been hypnotic at night. Kansas seemed to last forever but we finally reached our destination albeit a bit late but we got there without any problems. The children were great and we only made one stop for gas and lunch while driving for ten hours.

I have a great family and no matter how far apart we maybe in the coming months and years I know I have finally made the right decision by embracing my Recovery and as long I stay in recovery my life will be filled with so many blessings. I am so grateful to know there are so many blessings in my life starting with my family.

Last Day of Rest

Today is the last day before getting back on the road to New Jersey. The visit with my sister and her wonderful family is going great. She lives in a wonderful area and has two very special children. Thirteen years ago my sister made a decision to attend graduate school at the University of Denver and this decision not only proved brilliant; she hasn't left the Denver area since and met her fantastic husband.

She has a remarkable husband who loves her so very much and like I mentioned two very special young children. My sister's house is full of love and she is a great mother. She is not only a great mother but a great sister to me. We have always had a very good relationship but somewhere over the past sixteen months in spite of my "situation" our relationship has gotten better. She is one of those wonderful blessings I have in my life.

I am so happy I have been given this "bonus time" to share this trip with my family and to spend quality time with some very special people. There are so many very special people in my life that have been there but I took them for granted over the years. Now there are also some very special people who have come into to my life very recently and I am forever grateful for all of these blessings.

My recovery Program has taught me so very much and one of those things is to NOT take anything for granted. I try each and every day NOT to take anything for granted because each day is a gift. I have been given a very special gift in our trip across country. Yes, the circumstances surrounding the trip are not the greatest and yes, I caused this mess. However; I am trying everything in my power to get better and to recover from my horrible compulsive gambling addiction. I know I am on the right road to recovery because I have so many people who have stood by me through this very trying time.

I know my life will be forever changed in the next two weeks but the only change will be the loss of my freedom. My life was forever changed when I entered my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting and started to work the Program. My life will continue to get better as long as I work the Program. My life will collapse if I stop working the Program and my life will cease to exist.

I don't want this to happen; even though my freedom will be taken away from me very soon I know I have gotten my life and when my freedom is restored in whatever period of time the judge deems appropriate I know life will be significantly better than it ever has been. However; the only way it can continue to get better is if I work my recovery Program to the best of my ability and I intend to keep doing this one day at a time.

Today we had a great time at local park watching the children play with one another. Afterwards my sister was kind enough to purchase a "Colorado" style pizza. As an aside; for those of you who know me know I don't go nuts about food in fact I am an extraordinarily picky eater and I am a vegetarian. I do have some downfalls when it comes to food and pizza is one of them. The "Colorado" style pizza is one of my all-time favorite foods and each time I have come to visit my sister we seem to have this pizza. Today was no exception; I don't know whether it is the mozzarella cheese or the "mountain" (thick) crust but this pizza is great. I savored every minute of the pizza it truly was a very simple pleasure which I am so very happy to have experienced once again.

My sister was such a great hostess on this trip and I love her very much. I know she is in the right place and I am so very happy for her. She is a great person and I thank her so very much for a wonderful stay.

Gamblers Anonymous Meeting

First off I must congratulate my brother and sister-in-law on the birth of their first baby. Tyler Dennis was born June 26th at 11:35 pm Eastern Time; weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces and is 21 inches long. Mom and baby are doing fine and we can't wait to see the new baby.

This marks day four of our cross country adventure. We have stopped in Denver to visit my sister and her family and today was a decompression day for all of us. After being in the car for 12 hours yesterday we all needed this day. When we arrived at my sister's house after 11:00 pm we unpacked the car and we all went to sleep around midnight. All of us including me slept very well. In fact my head hit the pillow and the next thing I knew it was 7:30 in the morning. We were all exhausted and we needed this day so very badly. I do know we have about 25 hours of driving in front of us but we will take three days to accomplish this; there really is no rush so our drive will be bit more relaxed when we leave on Thursday.

Today we had a great visit with my sister and her family. My sister has two children; a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. My nephew is almost exactly one year younger than my son and it is always "interesting" to see how they interact with one another. Today was a great day for the boys because they played so well together. Even though my nephew is one year younger than my son there is a fairly significant height and weight difference. My nephew weighs about 25 pounds less than my son and is head shorter but that doesn't matter to the boys. My nephew was following around my son all day long and my son was cherishing every minute. There is enough toys to keep them occupied and the weather is great so we took a long walk and went to the park where they played very well.

My eight year old daughter loves her cousins. She has four "girl" cousins and only one of them is very close in age to her but more on that next week when she pals around with her "best friend" in New Jersey. My daughter has two just about two year old girl cousins and she loves them so very much. My daughter is like a mother hen when she is with her younger girl cousins. She plays marvelously with her two year old cousin. She read her books; played with her extensively at the park and basically watched over her all day long. She has a great maternal instinct but this maternal instinct only seems to apply to her girls which is okay. They had a great time laughing and giggling all day long.

It was a fabulous day and to top it all off I got to attend a Gamblers Anonymous meeting here in Colorado. As "fate" would have it all as I like to say now as my "Higher Power" keeps watch over me there are two significant people who are associated with my sister and her family who are also in the Program. When they heard I was coming to visit they gave my sister a GA meeting schedule and told her if I wanted to go to a meeting they would be happy to take me. I wanted to go to a meeting because going to meetings and truly working the Program is one of the keys to my recovery so of course I said yes and chose tonight to go to a meeting.

I had someone who is very near and dear to my sister's family pick me up at my sister's house and take me to the meeting. We had met a few years ago and they knew all about my situation. We made small talk on the way to the meeting which was only a 20 minute drive. I was very anxious to see how a GA meeting operated outside of my little area and now I had the chance. Also; I needed to get to a meeting because my last meeting was a week ago Wednesday so I was definitely due.

We arrived at the church where the meeting was held a few minutes early and continued our conversation. When we arrived in the room there were only two members but again the meeting was not going to start for another ten minutes so it was still early. As we walked in the room the immediately saw the very familiar reading materials laid out neatly around the table. The yellow "combo" books were prominently displayed along with all of the other GA materials.

As it approached 7:00 pm more and more people came into the room and although I had never met anyone other than the person who brought me I felt a familiar connection. By the time the meeting started there were 19 people in attendance and all men except for one lone woman. This is a different make-up than we have back in my "home meeting" where the woman sometimes outnumber the man. I was told that there is a regular women's group which meets in the same room on Monday nights so attendance for women is usually sparse at the Tuesday night meeting.

The room was fairly large and somewhat comfortable. We sat at a round table where we combined four tables and sat in a circle. The meeting started a little differently than my other meetings with the serenity prayer and then we read certain sections of the yellow combo book even though there was a new member in attendance. We (I am sorry about the comparisons and please I am inferring one way is better than another I am just pointing out the differences) usually read the entire combo book when a new member is in attendance but they did not and I found out the reason later on in the meeting.

After reading we started the "sharing" or therapy portion and went around the room. I listened intently to each person and even though this was a room of strangers I was connected to each one. There stories maybe a little different than mine but the underlying theme is exactly the same; we are powerless to gambling and made our lives unmanageable and now we are trying to get our lives back. I have found the only way to get my life back is to constantly work the Program and tonight I was working the Program.

At about 8:00 pm we took a break and I spoke with other members. There was a new member in attendance and hopefully this new member comes back because they will never have to feel the way they feel tonight if they embrace the Program. We resumed sharing and I was the next to last to share. I tried to keep my story brief because what matters most to me is that I am in a place where I CAN recover from this baffling insidious addiction. Before attending GA I didn't know how to recover from my addiction and through the grace of God and GA I certainly know how.

The meeting ended at 9:10 pm and yes, it was a two hour and ten minute meeting but that didn't matter. What matters to me is attending meetings and working the Program. I saw the Program work with people I have never met before. In attendance at the meeting was someone with almost 25 years of recovery and this person is an inspiration to me as well as the member with 2 hours of recovery. They are both trying to make their lives better and I know as long as I stay connected to GA my recovery will stay on the correct path.

Here I am over 1,000 miles away from home; in a somewhat strange place but I felt great because as is always the case I feel so much better after attending a meeting. On our drive home my friend was very talkative and I noticed a big change in their demeanor from before the meeting. We talked and talked the entire 20 minute drive and time flew by. My friend came in the house to say hello to my sister and I thanked them for making time for me and taking me to the meeting. It meant a great deal to me and it was a fabulous day.

Day Three of Our Adventure

This morning started out with a "so long" to two very dear long time friends. Early this morning I wanted to ensure I was going to workout before our long drive to Denver. I woke up around 5:00 am and I knew one of my dear friends would be awake at this hour because they were departing the house early as well. I wanted to say "so long" to this dear friend. I don't like "good-byes" because they seem so permanent and no matter what happens in two and half weeks it won't be permanent. It will be a temporary freeze on my freedoms which means I may not get to see some of my dear friends for awhile. However; I do know I will get to see them again as long as I continue doing the things I have been doing in my recovery. If I stop my recovery for whatever "excuse" all of the wonderful beautiful blessed things in my life go away. I don't want this to happen which is why I work my recovery Program each and everyday.

Last night I said "so long" to another dear friend and I would like to thank this friend for teaching me the true meaning of the word friend. They have been great throughout this horrible ordeal which I created and they could have turned their back on me. However; they did not and I am forever grateful for this wonderful blessed friendship.

Today as I bid another dear friend "so long" I thought about the word friend and I have discovered through so many people what this word truly means. This dear old friend whom I have known for close to thirty years has been an inspiration to me because no matter what happens in life they did not judge. I have always been the same old "Pablo". Yes, I did some very bad things for which I will be punished; however; I have also done some very positive things which will stay with me the rest of my life and these things have made and will continue to make my life better each and everyday.

We spoke for awhile early this morning and my dear friend wished me well. It really is a very difficult conversation for both parties involved; however; knowing I have so many true great friends who do believe in me gives me so much courage and strength that I am on the right road to recovery.

We finally said our "so longs" and off we went on our separated ways. As we were talking we both realized I have come full circle with my moving and also my compulsive gambling addiction. As for the moving; when my family and me moved from Las Vegas to Southern California we stayed at this same house with our two dear friends some five years ago. Now we were heading east so I can get my family situated before I go "away". Also; these two dear friends were the reason I moved to Las Vegas some 12 and 1/2 years ago. I fell in love with the "residential" Las Vegas and I was always drawn to the gambling/gaming. I thought it would be a great idea to work for the gaming companies but unfortunately working for the gaming industry only proved more fuel for my compulsive gambling addiction.

I tried to fight my addiction for so long by myself to no avail and yes, it certainly got the best of me. I know I cannot do this by myself and I don't have to because I have found a program called Gamblers Anonymous that will help me as long as I work their Program not mine. Yes, my gambling addiction got the best of me but I am slowly getting my life back and as long as I continue getting my life back by working the Program I know things will continue to get better.

I could say I have many regrets and yes, I do but I will not dwell on those regrets because that will not help me in my recovery. What helps me in my recovery is facing each day with honesty, integrity, open-mindness and willingness to do the right thing. I am finally making the right choices thanks to the GA Program and thanks to my remarkable friends and family.

We finally loaded up the car (again!) around 10:00 am and said "so long" to our other old dear friend. This friend has also inspired me and I so look up to this person because they live their life with so much integrity and honesty. As we left our dear friends home in Las Vegas I had a small tear in my eye but I look forward to each day with a renewed eagerness because each day is truly a gift. The gift today was driving with my wife and children from our dear friends' house in Las Vegas to my incredible younger sister's home in Denver.

Yes, we departed being schedule but that is certainly to be expected. I knew today would be a long day of driving and probably the worst day of the entire trip across country; but we did make it to my sisters house at 11:00 pm Mountain Time. We spent 12 hours in the car counting the two stops we made for gas and dinner. The drive was very uneventful which is always good and we did make great time. The children were fantastic and didn't complain one bit. They watched their movies, colored, played with their electronics games and listened to their CD's. They were great and if today was the worst day of our trip we our going to have an outstanding time driving across this great country of ours.

We drive through four states; Nevada, Arizona (I always forget about this one because it only last for 15 miles) Utah, and Colorado. There is an 80 mile stretch in eastern Utah which is breathtaking. There are canyons, rocks, arroyos of so many different colors I felt like I was on the moon. There are no houses, no trees and certainly no people during this stretch. God truly did an outstanding job when he created this piece of land. I have driven through this on three separate occasions and each time I am awed by the scenery. It truly appreciate the power of our great country side and I am so happy to have been given this time to experience more blessings.

We were all very tired and after unpacking the mini-van we all headed off to bed. I know for me and it appeared this same way for the rest of my family; when my head hit the pillow I was fast asleep. It was great to see my sister and her family on our trip. We will be here for the next few days and we will be departing on our next leg of the journey on Thursday morning.

Finally, one quick fact about our trip from Las Vegas to Denver. The temperature hit 106 degrees in the desert between Las Vegas and Mesquite, Nevada. As we drove through the Rockie Mountains the temperature dropped to 41 degrees at the Vail Summit which is around 10,000 feet above sea level. This is a drop of 65 degrees in one day. This is an amazing country and we are truly on an amazing trip across the United States. My life is filled with incredible blessings and this trip is certainly one of them.

Day Two of our Adventure

Today marked day two of our family adventure across the United States. Yesterday we finally embarked on our journey from Southern California to New Jersey. Today was a day of relaxing with some great dear friends. This morning I had the pleasure of playing golf with a very good long time friend at a place we used to play regularly when I used to live here in Las Vegas. It was a typical summer day in the desert with the temperature reaching a "balmy" 105 degrees with 8% humidity.

Yes, we played golf in this type of weather which wasn't anything out of the normal for us. We have played in hotter conditions before but this was the first time in a long time for me playing in these conditions. I moved out of Las Vegas almost five years ago because of a great career opportunity. We all know what I did with that great career opportunity but through all of my turmoil I have maintained some great friends and today I was able to spend most of the day with one of these great friends. Even though my friend had just arrived from Hawaii early this morning he still wanted to play golf with me. This maybe the last time in a long time that I will be available for gold so I was very grateful to have this opportunity.

My friend is a much better golfer than me and it has been the rare occasion where my score has been better than his score and today was one of those days. I believe it was the combination of the early arrival from Hawaii and the heat which greatly affected my friend but through it all my friend toughed it out and made the full 18 holes; thank you so very much for an enjoyable round of golf. It was enjoyable because I got to spend a few hours with someone I consider a true friend; it wasn't the golf or the golf course and it certainly wasn't the heat it was the camaraderie which I will be forever grateful. I did shoot my best round at this course even though I somewhat melted on the final few holes and yes, it was a great day.

The great day continued when I went back to where we were staying which is another dear friends' house. I was able to jump in their swimming pool with my children for a few hours before going back over my friend's (whom I played golf with earlier) house for a great dinner barbecue and some more swimming. We had a lovely afternoon and evening; the children had fun; they swam; played on a water slide and ate some wonderful food. This was a fabulous way to spend a Sunday.

We returned home to our friends' house and when we got home our friends were not home. My wife put the key in the door and as we entered the house their home alarm went off. I did not know how to deactivate the alarm so it blared for ten minutes. My children especially my daughter is very sensitive to loud sounds. She started crying because she was very scared. I took both of my children outside because the sound was muffled by the house. However; my son got so nervous from the alarm he threw up on the walkway outside of our friends' house. He is fine and it was his nerves from the alarm. Finally the alarm stopped and we entered the house once again.

We finally got the children settled and was ready to give my daughter a shower when the alarm started all of again. Apparently my wife went out the back door and set of the alarm. We had to go through the fear and trauma cycle once again but than God the alarm only lasted 3 minutes. Then our friends came home and all was once again great with my children.

I have great kids and they are so very sensitive to outside influences which is why it is so hard to let them go. My children had nothing to do with what I will be sentenced for next month which is why it is so important I really be with them for as long as I have the time because I won't have this time in the coming months.

Tomorrow will be a very interesting day because it will be our longest driving day of the entire trip. We would like to make it to my sister's house in Denver for tomorrow night where we will stay a few days as our second stop on our trip. So far it feels so very good; the only regret I have is not being able to make GA meeting here in Las Vegas. My life has lost its balance which I am trying to regain with the help of Gamblers Anonymous Program.

I wanted to spend a great deal of time with my family and friends which is why it was unfortunate I could not make today's meeting. I have checked the schedule and I know I am attending a GA meeting in New Jersey next Sunday followed by one more GA meeting that particular week. I know I will find that balance my life has lacked for so long now but I know I am on the right path to recovery.

Finally a Departure

After four full days of boxing and moving the contents of our house into several different storage areas we finally departed for our cross country adventure. We spent the night at an exceptionally (above and beyond) dear friend's house. I slept on the couch and my wife slept in a bed while my daughter and her friend slept nearby on the floor in a sleeping bag. My sleep was very sound for the first three hours because I was beat but after sleeping only three hours my mind didn't want to stay asleep. My mind was focusing on finishing the move and getting on the road. I laid there for a few hours but decided it was best to get another early start.

Our dear friends were up at an early hour as they usually are so I didn't wake anyone in fact they were being extremely polite as I laid on the couch. I did get up, got dressed spoke with our great friends briefly and headed over to the house for what I hoped would be the final time. I went through all the closets and threw out so many hangars I needed three very large garbage bags. I tried to arrange everything in an organized manner to see what still needed to go to storage and what we were taking on our trip.

I did the best I could but I had to wait for my wife to come back over because I didn't want to do anything wrong (God knows I have done enough wrong so I am thinking discretion is the best part of valor). I went back over our friends house to pick up my wife so we could finish packing the house. I loaded up the mini-van for the 20th time with a load of miscellaneous items which needed to be stored in our friend's garage. After doing this I had a few errands to run and when I returned I swept out the garage and made sure everything had been accounted for and nothing was left behind.

My wife stayed behind and organized what was left much better than I did. However; my wife wanted to bring a few too many items with us on our trip so we had a friend (yes, the same exceptionally dear friend we stayed with last night) take a few more items to their garage. For those of you keeping score at home we have two storage facilities filled with our "stuff" and three dear friend's garages filled with our "stuff". Also; please keep in mind we sold, donated and threw out many other items that didn't make it to storage. To say we had a great deal of "stuff" would be understatement.

I finally packed or rather "stuffed" the mini-van with our suitcases and other "necessities" for our cross country journey. I did leave room for the children to sit and even my wife had a small amount of leg space. We finally got on the road at 2:40 pm Pacific Time and made a non-stop trip to our great friends' house in Las Vegas. We made excellent time because there was no one on the road and we didn't make one "potty" stop. We arrived at our friends' home at 6:15 pm and the trip really did go fast.

I know this is the first very short leg of a very long trip but it has certainly started out very well. The children behaved; they watched two movies and even my son did lose his attention span until we were well into the third hour of the trip. All in all a very good start.

I need to back track for a second. As we were departing; my daughter said good-bye to her very good friend and seeing the reaction on my daughter's friend's face made my heart go down a few feet. My daughter's friend was genuinely sad to see my daughter leave and this made me feel terrible because this is all my fault. There I have said it and I am sure it won't be the last time but I won't dwell on it.

I know there is a grand plan for me and my family but seeing such a sad face on such a young lady really made me take a pause. I don't know how many times I will apologize but those are empty words. I am relying on actions not my words. I must stay in the now not the past and not the future the now. The now is the most important aspect of my life and thank God I have found a Program in the Gamblers Anonymous Program that keeps me focused on the now. It is so important that I enjoy all the "nows" because if I don't there won't be any "later."

Finally here are two more stories but this time they are centered around "recovery". Yes, there is a recovery to this horrible baffling insidious addiction and I thank God every day I have found it. The first story is about a recovery program solely for compulsive/pathological gamblers. The second story is focused on the one of the horrible consequences of compulsive gambling which is suicide. This is not the answer because no matter how bad things are due to gambling they will always get better in recovery. The will always get worse if me as the compulsive gambler continues to gamble but as I have seen in the past almost 16 months life does get much better.

Not Quite on the Road

I was hoping against hope that we would be able to finish the move today and be on the road to the East Coast. However; that didn't happen and it really doesn't matter. What matter most is that we have everything safely stored in our three locations and we as a family embark on this cross country experience together.

Yes, last night was a difficult night as my wife and I laid in our bedroom for the last time and in addition to it being the last time in our house we were on the floor because all of the furniture had been moved earlier in the day. I was exhausted so I didn't have time to let my mind do its awful tricks and fell asleep fairly quickly. However; my son who was sleeping in his room for the final time was in his "special" sleeping bag. For the record it is a blow-up mattress which a tent attached; it really is very cool and my daughter has one as well.

My daughter's "tent" is a princess theme and by son's tent is a Spiderman theme. Sorry about the digression my son woke-up about 3:30 am and was startled by something. He was startled because his environment has changed but there will be many changes in the coming months so he will have to get used to them unfortunately.

He came into our bedroom and I did my best to comfort him and put him back in his "tent". He did fall back to sleep but for only two hours. He was back in our bedroom at around 6:00 am so I told him to grab a piece of the floor and lay next to me and he did. I laid there for a few minutes and decided it was time to get moving. I did want to complete everything today so I thought and early start would be a good idea and it really was.

Even though we didn't finish everything by this evening we got most of the things taken care of. Tomorrow we will drop off some things to Goodwill; pack up the car and head to (all places) Las Vegas to visit with two dear friends over the weekend. These are great old friends and they have accepted me with all my faults and I so enjoy their company.

Earlier today I had to meet the movers at the storage facility due to the mishap last night and that took up most of the morning. From there I went to one of our dear friend's garage and deposited more boxes while my wife stayed behind and tried to conquer the never ending packing. I swear it looked like we may never finish and sometimes I thought we were accumulating more items as the items were placed in the box. However; we did manage to get through the day and get most everything boxed up before we lost daylight.

I mention losing daylight because I scheduled to have the power transferred out of my name today and low and behold all of the power was shut off around 10:00 am. I was hoping to get a few more hours but that was not the case and the fact that it was close to 100 degrees outside didn't make matters much better; however; in spite of the few obstacles we did get it done with a great deal of sweat and minimal negativity. Even the children were troopers; they managed to entertain themselves and even pitched in a few times.

I loaded up the mini-van with more boxes this evening and drove them to our other dear friend's garage. By this time daylight had subsided and my wife and children were going over to yet another dear friend's home where the air conditioner works great!!! This is where I am right now and their couch which is where I will be sleeping looks great!! Tomorrow morning my wife and I will drive over to the house for the final time; load up the mini-van for a run to Goodwill and after that load up the car for our journey. Hopefully; God willing we will be on the road by mid-morning.

Yes, it really has been a trying time but my wife has been great; the children have been wonderful and we have so many dear friends here it really is so very hard to leave. Everyone has been beyond great and I have been touched by so many wonderful people that I will be forever grateful for their unbelievable kindness and generosity; thank you so very much.

Finally here are two very good stories about compulsive gambling. The first one deals with the horrible consequences a compulsive gambler must face when the compulsive gambling takes over one's life much like it did mine. The second story is very well written and hopefully there is some one out there who is thinking about getting help for their compulsive gamblng addiciton and this story can help anyone who wants help.

It Is What It Is...

As I laid in bed last night for what could be the last time in a long time I thought to myself; oh my this really wasn't how I envisioned my life but instead of tossing and turning and dwelling on the past I said to myself; "it is what it is". I can't change those past horrible deeds and I certainly can't live in the past I can only live in the present. Well today being the present wasn't the most fun day I have had in a long time but it was as I had expected it to be. The movers showed up one hour late which would lead to later problems but more on that later.

I packed up the mini-van with a load of boxes which I took to our dear friends house. We now have two garages in virtually the same neighborhood that all filled with my family's belongings along with a storage facility not exactly the best way to move but we are truly making the best of it. Thanks to our dear friends the move could have been a great deal worse instead it is moving (no pun intended!!) along just fine.

The movers put in a 10 hour day moving our furniture and some miscellaneous items into the storage facility. There were two men; one man in his forties and one college student who were very polite and did a great job. The older man has 11 children; 9 boys and 2 girls and now I understand why he works 15 hour days! The younger man is in college and was very respectful and his day was made when I offered him all the left over beer I had!!! Unfortunately due to their tardiness we weren't able to complete the move into the storage facility because the storage facility closed at 7:00 pm and we arrived at 7:50 pm. Now we have to go back tomorrow morning to finish the move but that is really okay. We still have some more boxing up to do in the house and we need to figure out what will fit in the car for our drive across country.

Tonight my children are sleeping in their tents in their own rooms and my wife and I will be sleeping on the floor. There is no furniture anywhere in the house the lone appliance is a television that we are taking back to New Jersey. There is no place to sit except on the floor or a box because all of the chairs have been packed. It really is a strange night and I do feel like a stranger in strange house.

My wife and I chose this house almost five years ago and after searching two weeks for the right house we happened to find by chance. We followed a few signs and instead of making a left we made a right. We instantly fell in love with the house and decided to buy it. This decision was a great decision because of it we have met so many great friends and these friends are still are friends even knowing my faults. Yes, the house was perfect but I did screw it up as the house appreciated I continued to tap the equity so I could live my compulsive gambling fantasy life and when I grew tired of tapping the equity I turned to crime and we all know where that has led me. I will be sad to leave the house much like I was sad to see my car get towed away but really they are both immaterial possessions the only material possessions that matter to me are my family.

I will be sharing a cross country journey with my family and the fact that we all will be together for the next few weeks keeps me going each and everyday. Also knowing I have gotten my life back on the right path and I continue to make the right choices each and every day which is to NOT gamble makes my days very bright. Yes, this day wasn't the brightest and it really is difficult knowing what I have done to my family and myself but I pray to God those days will stay in the past and the present will continue on its bright path.

I will maintain this blog to the best of my ability as we make our way across the country. The postings may not be made each day; instead there maybe some days where there are no posts and some days where there are many posts. I will continue to write because it has helped me so much in my recovery and it really is therapeutic. Finally; I would like to thank the many people who have emailed me with such kind and generous words. These comments mean the world to me and thank you so very much.