We Made It!!

At 7:00 pm Eastern Daylight Time we arrived safely with no incidents, no speeding tickets, no childish episodes but with one STUPID remark (more on that later) at my mother's house in New Jersey. We started our cross country adventure last Saturday and after a few stops (Las Vegas, Denver, Columbia, Missouri, and New Paris, Ohio) and 2,974 miles we pulled into the driveway of my mother's house.

My mother and stepfather were holding their annual Fourth of July picnic which usually brings in a big crowd of family members mostly from my stepfather's side (he has a very large family) and this year was no exception. It was the first time in a very long time; in fact I don't remember the last Fourth of July picnic I attended at my mother's house. I have been gone for 12½ years so it was at least 13 years ago.

Most of the people who were attending the picnic I had not seen in a very long time. Some of the children in attendance I had only seen pictures of and had never met; this was the first time I was meeting them. Everyone was very nice and most know of my "situation". Everyone has been great and supportive with nothing but best wishes and prayers.

This is certainly not how I envisioned my life coming back to New Jersey. I know my stay here is temporary and who knows what the future holds all I can do is concentrate on today and today I made a very selfish STUPID remark to my wife. As we entered New Jersey and after leaving the Pennsylvania Turnpike we paid the toll and the toll taker was very different from the toll taker in Colorado (incidentally the only other toll on our entire journey before getting to Pennsylvania) who was very courteous and greeted us with a "have a nice day". The toll taker in Pennsylvania before arriving in New Jersey didn't have a "have a nice day" or even a thank you. As we drove over the Delaware River into New Jersey I had a huge pit in my stomach. I can make a whole host of excuses but they would only be excuses because what I said to my wife was just plain rude and WRONG.

As we entered the New Jersey Turnpike on our way to my mother's house I told my wife if she really wanted to stay in New Jersey after I did my time than we may have to discuss a custody arrangement with the children because I don't know if I can live here. After I said this I immediately knew I was so WRONG and was being so selfish. Here I am having made my wife move back to New Jersey because of the horrible stuff I did and I am telling her I can't live here in this state even if she wants to. This is a very selfish act and after seeing how my wife reacted I instantly apologized.

I do regret saying those words because being with my wife and children is what matters most to me. It doesn't matter if we live in Antarctica; as long as we are together is what matters most. I don't want to be a half-time parent; I want to see my children grow up and be part of their lives. The only way I can do this is respect the wishes of my wife and live where she says we should live.

I have loved being out of New Jersey for the past 12½ years and I thought living in Las Vegas or Southern California would provide my family with a better quality of life. However; I squandered this opportunity and I don't have any choice in the matter. The only option I have is what my wife says I have. My options and choices are gone because of the horrible decisions I made. I can blame my compulsive gambling addiction but what good what that do.

I must constantly learn each and everyday and live honestly and openly. My remark to my wife may have been my way of trying to be honest with my wife but I had no right to invoke this one her. She has been there for me for so long and she deserves better. I must respect her wishes and not be selfish. My selfishness is what got me into trouble in the first place. The needs of my family come first and hopefully I have learned a valuable lesson.

Our long journey across the country came to end today and yes, I had mixed emotions. I was glad the long drive was over but I was sad because I know the days of me seeing and being a part of my family's life are limited. I have only one week left with my children before I return to California and (hopefully) hear my fate. I know my children and my wife are in good hands with my wife's family and my family. This is the right place for my wife and children when I am "away".

I will have peace of mind knowing they are in a loving and caring place. Yet, it is hard for me to let go but I really have no choice. I must constantly remind myself to let go and let God. God does have a very special plan for me and my family and this is the very beginning a very special time in all our lives. I look forward to going on this special journey because so far so good.