New Jersey & You

A few years ago or actually for a number of years the state of New Jersey had a slogan; "New Jersey & You Perfect Together". This slogan was replaced with a very well publicized call from the governor's office to the people of New Jersey earlier this year and the winner was "New Jersey, Come See For Yourself". I lived in New Jersey from birth to the age of 28 with the exception of attending college in Southern California and Maryland I never really considered New Jersey and me perfect together. I was always looking for a way to escape for somewhere else. I thought I found that perfect place in Las Vegas when I moved with my wife some 12 1/2 years ago.

Las Vegas for a compulsive gambler like myself wouldn't seem to be a great mix; however; my gambling compulsion was with a computer so it doesn't matter where I reside because computers are accessible everywhere. I had a great time in Las Vegas and it will always have a near and dear place in my heart because both of my children were born there. After spending 7 1/2 years in Las Vegas I was presented with a career opportunity which took me to Southern California. Now most of you know what I did with that career opportunity because of my compulsive gambling addiction; however; I really enjoyed the five years we spent in Southern California.

Yes, the weather was great in both places even though it can get fairly hot in the summertime but it really is a different type of heat (dry). It is a hot heat where you can escape in the shade or indoors. Whereas in New Jersey it is a humid heat and although the temperature maybe less here in New Jersey than it is in both Southern California and Las Vegas but to me it feels worse here in New Jersey. Take today for instance; I worked out this morning in quite possibly the hottest Gold's Gym I have ever worked out in and I have been in some very hot and sticky places like Mississippi. I kept asking the people who worked at the gym if the air conditioner was working and they replied; yes. They could have fooled me!

Normally when I work out I sweat a great deal and I usually end up with buckets of sweat around the bicycle or treadmill. This morning I started sweating the instant I entered the gym and haven't stopped since. I normally start sweating around the 10 minute mark on the whatever aerobic conditioning I am doing; this morning I was sweating profusely around the 10 minute mark and I had to slow down at a part in my workout that I normally start accelerating due to the heat. I swear I was sweating more when I got out of the shower than I did when I was working out. I am not used to the humidity and everything around me feels wet. I will take 105 degree heat with 6% humidity over 85 degree heat and 100% humidity any day!!!

I have come to New Jersey for a very special purpose which is seeing them in a place that they are well cared for. I know they are in a place that they are well cared for because they are surrounded by very loving and caring people. Today I had the pleasure of spending the day with my in-laws. We had a very good day and thank god my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have a pool because I spent practically all of the day in the pool with my son and daughter. This evening we saw a very special fireworks show which made my daughter very happy. It was a great day being surrounded by such great people who really care for me and my family. These are the true blessings in my life.

I know there is not a great deal I can do about my situation the only thing I can do is to work my recovery every single day to ensure those horrible demons stay arrested. I do know I am doing the right thing and whatever happens in the next few years is going to happen. It really doesn't matter if I am in a place where I sweat for three months out of the year or I freeze for another three months; at least I can tolerate the other six months!!!

Just joking; what I realized today hanging out with those special people is I am a very selfish person. I moved to Las Vegas because I wanted to get away from New Jersey. I did convince my wife to go but I believe she went to Las Vegas because I persuaded her. I then selfishly moved our family to Southern California because I thought it was the right thing to do. Again; I persuaded my wife because she was a little reluctant at first for various reasons.

Yes, we had a good time in both Las Vegas and Southern California but now it is my wife's turn to make the decisions because I have exhausted all of my options. If she believes that New Jersey is the place to raise our family when I get "out" then I must respect her wishes because God knows she has respected mine for a very long time. I need to constantly check my ego at the door and put my selfishness in a box. If I don't do these things those ugly demons will rear their ugly little heads and I don't want this to happen. If this happens then it is the end for me; literally. I don't want my life to end because of my pettiness.

I made a very large mistake some three years ago when I starting doing all those bad behaviors. I will be paying (both financially and emotionally) for this mistake for my lifetime but that really is okay because those mistakes have saved my life. I now know what recovery is all about and I love it. I want to stay in recovery and live a good life with a positive purpose. I cannot live a good life with a positive purpose by being selfish. I must become selfless like so many great people in the Program who I admire and love. They have taught me what is necessary to survive this addiction and I want to survive more than anything else in the world. By surviving I can have a great life because my survival in the short time of my recovery has been incredible and I look forward to many more great days.

Finally; it was so very nice of the state of New Jersey to basically shutdown while I am here for my visit. The state of New Jersey is at a budget impasse so many of the the state agencies have closed for an undetermined amount of time. Some of these agencies include the lottery, racetracks and oh by the way the casinos in Atlantic City. The lottery and the race tracks have already closed and the casinos in Atlantic City will close on Wednesday so if I can get rid of my on-line connection this would be a perfect place to work page 17 of the Gamblers Anonymous Program because many of the gambling temptations have been removed!!!

I did pick a great time to come to New Jersey but I do know those gambling operations will be up and running soon because they make too much money for the state. I also do know in order for me to work my recovery successfully I cannot gamble. So it doesn't matter if those state agencies are not in operation; for me the only way for me to now gamble is to work the GA Program each day one day at time. It has worked for the past sixteen months and I know it will work each day I work the Program. I worked the Program today and intend to work it tomorrow and my life continues to get better.

The second final thought I have is a link to sentence the Judge in my case made. In fact my Judge made reference to this case when we were going through my first sentencing hearing. I know this has no bearing on my case whatsoever but I found the story very fascinating.