A Bit of a Bump

It appears wildfires is upon this part of southern California. The temperature has risen in the low 100’s and the humidity levels have dropped to about 15%. The combination makes the potential very high – this is known as a red flag alert. The two crews who responded to the fire were gone from camp for 3 hours; thankfully it was not anything serious.

I ate my bowl of oatmeal and made my way outside seeking the table of “normal”. There were only 2 fellow inmates, but this didn’t stop me from engaging in a conversation. We talked about sleeping patterns and I learned that one of these inmates shared the same type of problem I had which is waking up every 90 or so minutes. Then we talked about how 98% of the inmates say “You know what I mean” when they talk. As soon as I asked this, they both started to smile. They have discussed this in the past and couldn’t come up with a conclusive answer. I have met a few very “normal” inmates along the way, but this is the first time I could really sit down and share a dialogue with them. It certainly appears my experiences are not original.

The conversation turned to my friend and someone inquired as to how I could be his roommate since we are so different. My friend is a public persona when he is around other inmates and a private persona when he is around me in our room. He is a good person but he enjoys being the life of the party. He doesn’t have to be this way with me. I tried to convey that what my friend presents in public is not what he is all about. There is substance and he is truly a good friend. I believe I did convince these two at the table that my friend is a genuinely a good person. As we were discussing my friend, it occurred to me how perception varies. I never viewed my friend as a loud mouth or a character. I took him for what he is which is a good person who likes to have fun. Whereas the perception from others was very different than mine. The quote states, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” and to me, my friend has more beauty than anything else.

During breakfast, something very unexpected happened. My friend was talking to a tablemate (one of the cooks) and they were talking about who is responsible for paying for the inmate’s food and housing. He wanted to know if CDC or CDF pays for our meals. I interjected, quite matter of factly, and with a smile on my face, “Does it really matter because the money comes from the same place (California taxpayers) anyhow.” As soon as I said this, my friend took offense. He mumbled a few words, got up from his seat, and said, “I’m out of here.” He put his tray away and then came back to the table where I apologized to him saying, “I meant no disrespect.” He didn’t say anything and departed the dining hall. I stayed behind and finished breakfast. The tablemate was befuddled to what had just transpired. He did tell me I was right because the money does come from the same source and he didn’t understand what upset my friend.

Upon returning to my room, I saw my friend laying on his bed and once again I tried to apologize. Apparently, this was the 4th time I had “cut-off” my friend when he was talking about the “paying” subject at breakfast. He went on to state that nothing he says matters because in the end we will all die. I guess it was bound to happen as I have hit a bit of a bump in the road. Inevitably, when so much time is spent with another person, conflicts will arise. This all goes back to a perception matter. What I thought as a very innocuous comment mushroomed into something that hurt my friend. I do have to watch how I say things because what I perceive as matter of fact can be viewed as caustic or condescending. I do my best not to come across this way, but it can happen. I didn’t know what to do so after trying to apologize and smooth things out, I went outside and left my friend alone.

Afterward, we had a discussion and according to my friend, I have been on edge for the past 2 days and when problems arise, it is not always the other person (meaning him). He went on to say I should look at myself. I realize I am not an easy person to live with (just ask my wife) as I have peculiar tendencies. I have gotten very comfortable with my friend and sometimes I think without speaking. I need to do a better job of policing my mouth and how I speak. Ultimately, we did patch things up. My friend has been very good to me over these past 8 months and I would hate to jeopardize our relationship. My father mentioned to me prior to coming to prison that I have a tendency of coming across as aloof and also condescending. I must work on these things everyday and once again the GA Program teaches me to constantly take inventory of myself.

There was a mandatory prison video regarding the integration of sharing a cell/dorm with members of every race. Next February the CDCR will start integrating bunks. Currently members of the same race share bunks. However, here at camp integration has already started. This certainly makes sense and has been a long time coming. This movement all stems from legal action which was brought by an inmate back in 1995 who stated the way in which the CDCR assigns bunks along racial lines violated the inmate’s constitutional rights. The case went to the Supreme court and was finally settled some 10 years later. A settlement was reached and next year the integration process will commence. In my opinion, the racial segregation of bunks actually gives the inmates more power. I believe the non-racial basis for assigning bunks will be a positive for the prison system. I don’t know when the current system was established, but to me it is archaic. The real world doesn’t work this way and the CDCR should be preparing most inmates for re-entry into the real world.