Snake, Hummingbird, Skunk

Yesterday was a very uneventful day; however, the key to my days is to make them pass quickly and positively. I was able to call my younger sister and speak with her last night. It was the first time I spoke with her in over three months. We had a great conversation, and once again, those 15 minutes flew by. My younger sister is an amazing person, and it was so good speaking with her. She had a full week as my father and his wife visited her along with celebrating my niece’s third birthday (Happy Birthday!!!!) My father’s visit sounded excellent, and everyone is doing well. I have a very special family, and I enjoyed the family update. I certainly miss keeping in contact with my sister on a regular basis; however, even though we last spoke over three months ago, it felt like I just spoke with her three days ago.

When the very quick telephone call ended, I joined two members at the table. One of the members was out on the fire, and the other member was catching up on his writing. It was only the three of us, and once again, we had a very productive conversation all night long. One member is an attorney (civil law), and the other member is an engineer. Each of us proposed hypotheticals, and we discussed these hypotheticals at length. We also discussed prison interpersonal relationships, and they confirmed many of my observations over the past year. It was a very good way to spend a Sunday evening at fire camp. The sprinklers came on, and it was time to go back to my room. I read for a few minutes before retiring to sleep. I fear my friend and I seem to be fading with one another. Normally, we speak before going to sleep, but ever since the incident on Thursday morning, things have not been the same. It seems we are moving in separate directions. We had a pact where we would tell each other if there was something wrong. This seemed to fall by the wayside on Thursday as we discussed our feelings somewhat. Hopefully, we can work through whatever is happening and be better for it.

I went to sleep at my normal time but had a very up-and-down night. I didn’t drink anything all night, yet I was up every two hours all night long. Sometimes my up-and-down nights cannot be explained, as was the case last night. One of these “ups”, I even ran into the C/O who was doing the early evening walkthrough count. This is the first time this has happened to me, and I do have a fear of not being seen (not being counted) by the C/O during the evening walkthrough, which could result in something negative. Thankfully, this did not happen and all went well with my night’s sleep. I was able to dream (I do wonder how long my dreams actually last since I can only sleep two hours at a time), which meant I got a deep (albeit brief!) sleep. The dream involved someone I hadn’t seen in 25 years. This is all I can remember. I don’t know what the dream was about, but I do remember the person vividly.

An interesting thing has happened since I entered prison almost one year ago. Since I have had a great deal of downtime, I do more than my share of thinking. Often, this thinking involves past events (some positive, some negative). Thinking about these past events is often like having my life pass before my eyes. It isn’t a flash which, I guess, is good because oftentimes people who experience near-death episodes have their lives flash before their eyes. Mine is more like a long film with several vignettes. I know I am not supposed to harp on past events, and I don’t. I do think about them occasionally (less often now than in the beginning; however, since I returned to southern California, these thoughts have become more prevalent), and I guess these also seep into my subconscious just like last night. I need to state a disclaimer because harping on past events is not healthy. I don’t harp on past events, I just play them through. Thankfully, due to my recovery, I no longer beat myself up over these past events because there is not one thing I can do to change the past. I can only change my behavior, which changes today for the positive.

I do have to admit something. I do have some trepidation regarding my release date. Obviously, I cannot wait to rejoin my family, but there are so many questions which need to be answered. None of these questions can be answered right now, and I am a bit nervous. One very large question is how I will make a living to support my family. I have years of experience in accounting and auditing, but there is no way a company would hire a former embezzler. I did speak to my friend about this during the visit on Saturday, and he came up with some very good alternatives. These alternatives do rely on the kindness of others. I have very extraordinary people in my life who I have met in the past two years. I was actually offered a job as an accountant for a recovery house in Las Vegas, but due to my current circumstances, I could not take the position. I have attempted to keep in touch with this extraordinary person over the past year, but I have yet to hear back. This position was perfect (almost too perfect if that is possible) as the prospective employer knew my whole story yet was still willing to hire me. One condition of my employment was I had to remain active in recovery. I thought this was wonderful because, in order for me to survive and excel, I must remain in recovery the rest of my life. It is so interesting how GA and other 12 step programs say “recovery.” It is so interesting how it is an active program. It is not recovered because an addict (which is me) is never fully recovered. I am a compulsive gambler in recovery.

Sure, the night’s sleep wasn’t so great, but I still managed to get up at 5:00 a.m. and go outside for my Monday run. I ran for 97 minutes, and I have turned my attention to individual lap times. The track here is not conventional by any means. I have referred to is as a makeshift track since it is cut in between the camp buildings. Also, I can feel muscles in my legs forming that I have never had all due to running the hill over the past month. Two of the members of the new table were doing their morning run. One of them is a very good runner, and I was able to lap him. They do not run nearly as long as I do (no one does because they are not crazy!), but I was still able to maintain a better-than-average pace. I am competitive in some areas, and long distance running is one of those areas.

My very good run came to an end, and some very odd events transpired afterwards. I set in on my normal post workout routine by taking a shower, getting dressed, and going to breakfast. When I was getting dressed, my friend/roommate said he was going to breakfast. This was unusual because he usually waits for me, and this morning I was nowhere near being late. In fact, I was a few minutes ahead of schedule. I certainly did not deter my friend from going to breakfast as I said, “Okay.” This was doubly unusual because last week I implored my friend to go to breakfast without me as I was running behind schedule. He did not go then and waited for me. He even said, “I can’t go without you.” This was on Tuesday of last week, and obviously, something has changed. My friend went ahead to breakfast without me. I wasn’t far behind as I entered the line two minutes later. Another odd event transpired. My friend sat at the usual table, but all the seats were taken, so I had to sit by myself. Everyday since my arrival, my friend has given me his bowl of hot cereal, but this ended today. I ate my normal breakfast at a different table, and my friend ate his at a different table than me. I even offered (as I usually do) my friend the brownie, but he declined because he was given a second brownie by someone else. I can understand him declining the third brownie, but it never stopped him in the past. The unusual events continued as my friend departed our room much earlier than normal without saying a word to me. The final unusual event this morning occurred as we boarded the fire bus. Normally, we alternate days taking each other’s lunchbox on the bus prior to checkout. My friend placed his on without one word to me. I must have done something bad, but I am hesitant to ask knowing what happened on Thursday. I may work up the courage if these unusual events keep occurring.

I did shrug off the unusual events and focused on my work day. As we boarded the fire bus, rumors of our crew going to the wildfire in Lake Tahoe were running rampant. There is a fairly large wildfire in South Lake Tahoe, and allegedly, the CDF was trying to put two crews from my camp on the fire. The problem was a few captains were on vacation, and the captains with Monday as their scheduled day off could not be reached. My captain is on vacation this week and much of next, so we had a captain from another crew. If they were able to reach one of the captains who had today off, my crew would be en route to Lake Tahoe. This did not happen as I am still here. The rest of the day was normal working on one of the many grade projects. My crew returned to the Diamond Valley Lake where this is plenty of work. We were tasked to cut overgrown brush in one of the marsh areas. My crew did an incredible job cutting and raking the severely overgrown brush. My task was to rake the cut brush, and I actually worked hard, for me, today. Everyone of my crew worked hard, and the captain was very impressed. I was impressed with the amount of brush cut, raked, and piled. This morning while my crew was cutting and raking the brush, one member encountered a beautiful black and white small snake. Another crew member, who is the snake expert, came over and picked it up. He did a great job of avoiding the snake’s sharp teeth. He held it for the next hour just playing with it. I have never been a big fan of snakes, so I kept my distance but was very intrigued with the interaction.

During lunch, a few of my crew members found a hummingbird that seemed to be hurt. They gave the hummingbird some water but it still did not fly away. One of my crew members gave it some Gatorade, and after drinking it, it flew away very quickly. I guess that is what a sugar rush can do to a hummingbird. The animal triple play was complete in the afternoon as a skunk ran out of the brush to higher ground. One of the crew members chased the skunk, and fortunately for the crew member, the skunk escaped without incident. This was probably the biggest skunk I have ever seen. Yes, it was like a miniature animal kingdom waiting in the marshes of the local lake. The day went by quickly, and at the end of the day, I actually accomplished something productive.

After work, the usual routine ensued, and it seems my friend is coming around. Once again, all the seats were taken at our usual table for dinner, but unlike breakfast, my friend joined me at another table. He was still unusually quiet in my presence, and I still haven’t worked up the courage to ask what is the matter. Slowly, he seems to be getting better, so I will, too, take it slowly not wanting to stir the pot. The rice dinner for me was over, and I returned to my room to write before the mail call was announced. I did go outside in hope of an on-time mail call but had to wait a few minutes. While I waited, I joined the “table” for the few minutes. One of the members was talking about his job here which is “rations clerk” (food ordering clerk). This is the attorney, and as he talked about it, I really envied his position. This is something he knew nothing about, but it was something I knew, and my accounting background would be a huge help; however, due to my restrictions, I am prohibited to do this job. I still have a hard time with this and do blame my attorney for allowing the computer charges in my case to stay. Otherwise, I would be able to do this position. Anyhow, as the member talked, I had so many ideas for him, and maybe he will be able to utilize some of these. Mail call arrived, and I received a letter from my mother along with another photo of my son’s kindergarten graduation, the monthly bulletin from GA, and four visitor approvals. Three of these approvals were for GA members so they now joined the twice monthly GA meeting in the visitor area. The rest of the evening I wrote, and there goes another Monday down.