THE VISIT Part II

I had a very restful night’s sleep, and I stayed in bed longer than usual. Normally, Sundays are a day of rest for me, which means I take the day off from exercising; however, being away last week sort of messed up my exercise schedule. I was contemplating on doing the Harvard Wall this morning, but I just stayed in bed until 6:15 a.m. I figured I could always exercise in the afternoon after my visit. There was no need for me to rush this morning as I made the decision not to go to breakfast. My wife was bringing breakfast, so I could skip one day of the hot cereal. I took a leisurely shower and shaved. I did the wave off for breakfast and went back to my room. I didn’t do much other than dress and stare out the window. Now, I wanted time to hurry up so visiting would open and then stand still for awhile.

Unlike yesterday, the visiting officer was right on time as he arrived at 8:30 a.m. sharp to open the visiting area. Today, my wife was the second car to pull into the parking lot, and I watched her lug all of their stuff into the visiting area. Five minutes after their arrival, my name was announced. This gave me an extra 20 minutes to spend with my family, and every minute counts. Just like yesterday, I quickly walked to the visiting area. Today, I spotted my wife first and gave her a wave. I then saw my daughter who came running up to me once again. My son was noticeably missing as he was in the restroom, but when he was done, he came running over to give me a hug and a kiss.

We went over to the picnic table, and the first order of business was a family discussion minus my son. My wife said we needed to talk with my daughter. Last night when my wife got back to our friend’s house, it was a very emotional evening. My daughter, who is extremely sensitive, started to cry right before she went to sleep. My wife went to console her, and they had a nice talk. It turns out my daughter was very concerned with the “prisoner” writing on my clothes. My wife decided (rightfully so) to tell my daughter everything, which included my stealing to finance my compulsive gambling addiction. My daughter is very intelligent and asked a great question. “Did the money Daddy steal help pay for our swimming pool?” Yes, this is a good question, and no, the money I stole went to gambling. The second mortgage I took out on the house went to pay for the pool.

My daughter was having a hard time understanding how her father (me) could steal. In her eyes, I can do no wrong, and stealing is definitely wrong. My wife talked about the compulsive gambling addiction, and I expanded on it today. I do want my children to know everything, and cannot hide from my past. I messed up rather large, but I am a much better person for it. I explained how my brain wasn’t working correctly and how I am now getting help with this addiction so this will never happen again. My daughter seemed to take it all in, and she did ask another good question. “If you didn’t steal, would we still be living in our old house and I would have my old room?” The answer to this question is most likely yes, but I cannot go back and erase the past. I wanted my daughter to know it was me only that caused all these problems. Neither she, her mother, nor her brother had anything to do with it, and she has every right to be angry with me. She did say she was angry with me, and I told her she can be angry for as long as she wants. Then she punched me in the arm twice. I told her to go for a third time and to hit me even harder. She couldn’t do it, and we hugged. After this we had a discussion about gambling and how some people can gamble while others (especially me) cannot. My wife was explaining that she can gamble if she wants, and my daughter gave her a very mean look, almost to say, “If Daddy can’t gamble then you shouldn’t.”

I fell in love with my daughter the moment she was born, as I did with my son. My daughter has always been Daddy’s little girl as my son has been Mommy’s little boy. It appears nothing has changed despite the fact I have been away for one year, and now my daughter knows I am a thief. I’m fairly certain I have fallen a few notches in my daughter’s eyes and rightfully so; however, there is so much love in our family, I know everything is going to be perfect. All of this had to come out at one point, and today was the day. My daughter is a great child, and my biggest fear was messing both of them up for life. This will not happen because I will always be honest and open with them. I screwed up, but I am still a good person, and thanks to recovery, getting better each and every day.

The discussion part of the day was over, and it was on to game playing. This is part of spending time with my family. Whether it’s pushing them on a swing or playing games, or just sitting together, all that matters is we are a family. Yes, we are a family, and over this week, we will reinforce that bond which has been slightly ruptured over the past year. Life does get better and so does our family. We had a great time playing games, going on the swings, and playing on the monkey bars. I even had an opportunity to speak with my wife. Most of her concerns are financial. These will work out, and in 7-1/2 months, I will be able to share in the mess I created. There are decisions that need to be made, and whatever those decisions are, they will be the correct ones. Everything does happen for a reason, and wherever we end up, living will be wonderful. It will be wonderful because all of us will be together.

I was watching my son and daughter very closely. Things have not changed very much in the past year because my daughter still eats very little, and my son still eats very much. I watched my daughter barely finish half of a bagel. Then I noticed my son finish a whole bagel followed by the other half of my daughter’s bagel followed by half of my bagel. I really believe my six-year-old son eats more than my wife, daughter, and me combined! Yet, my son is not fat. In fact, he has thinned out during the year but still has more muscles than me! They are an interesting dynamic as my son just goes with the flow while my daughter is always analyzing the situation. Okay, I miss them terribly, but in 7-1/2 months, this will all be over.

It was another great day, and we even got in a game of monkey in the middle. Since the two crews are still gone, the visiting area was not very crowded. Normally, all of the tables are filled, but today and yesterday, there were more empty tables than occupied tables. This was good for us because the children were able to play freely. Once again, the 5 hours and 50 minutes flew by, and it was time for them to depart. We hugged and kissed several times on the way out. My ever-affectionate son kissed me at least 10 times. The next time I will see them will be on Tuesday for the family visit. My son had the quote of the day. As we were standing near the exit waiting for my wife to return from the car (for obvious reasons, I could not help her bring the items to the car), my son looked at the five other men in “orange,” then looks back at me, then glances again at the five other men, and then said to me, “Why are you here anyway?” This about summed up it up for me, and I said to him, “Remember I told you Daddy made a mistake, and I have to stay here until after your next birthday.” This didn’t seem to satisfy him as he asked the question again. After he asked the question, my daughter chimed in, “Daddy will explain it to you when you are my age.” Then my son said, “But that will take forever!” By this time, my wife had returned, and our little dialogue was over. This does remind me to mention that earlier in the day after I finished the discussion with my daughter, she turned to me and asked, “Is this (fire camp) like military school?” My response was “yes.” My daughter does grasp the concept, and both of them will be just fine.

The day was over, and these past two days were the fastest days of my life. I can only imagine how fast the family visit will be, which is why I will enjoy every second. I watched from across the street as they drove away, blowing kisses back and forth. My goodness, what an incredible family.

I walked back to the office, but before I arrived there, I was patted down before leaving the visiting area. Thankfully, my family was gone by this time, so it was back to my reality. I won’t let this deter my positive mood, and I headed back to camp. I signed back into the office and headed for my room. I was thinking about exercising, but the normally quick 2:30 p.m. weekend count took 35 minutes (normally, it takes 5 minutes). Also, I needed to call my mother so she could relay a message to my wife. The overextended count was finally cleared, and I made my way over to the telephones. Before placing the telephone call, one of the new C/O’s approached me. He asked me if I wanted to drive up with him tomorrow to where my crew was staying. He thought my family visit was over, and I told him “I do appreciate you thinking of me, but my family visit is on Tuesday. Had this been next Sunday, then by all means I would have gone.” This was certainly very nice, and I am starting to see more positive attitudes from some unexpected sources. Anyhow, I placed the telephone call to my mother and recounted the two days. I was still on a high from the visits, and I think I talked nonstop for the 15 minutes. As always, it was great speaking with my mom, and I will see her in two months with my younger sister.

I didn’t exercise, which was fine. I did go to dinner and had some rice and salad. After dinner, I had enough of writing as I completed five letters for the day, so I went outside. I spent the night hearing about how parole is very different on the east coast as opposed to California. This was all part of my education, and who knows how this applies to me, but it was good to hear. The night was over, and I went back to my room where I finished “Love Monkey.” It was an entertaining book. It wasn’t the best, and it wasn’t the worst. It was whimsical, and it was definitely “Sex and the City” from a male perspective. After finishing the book, I went to sleep with the thought of my family forever etched on my mind. What a wonderful weekend.