THE VISIT

The dorm area was so quiet I couldn’t even sleep – not really. I was preoccupied with the upcoming visit with my family. I was awake at 4:00 a.m. I lay in my bed for an hour and decided it was time for me to get up. Normally, my workouts on Saturdays are relatively easy, but since it had been over a week since my last burpee/pushup routine, I needed to do one this morning. I must have been full of nervous energy because I completed my routine a full six minutes ahead of my fastest time. I couldn’t understand why I was sweating more than normal, but when I finished, I soon realized why. I would have done more exercises, but I decided to stop at 400 burpees as I wanted to be fully showered and shaved before going to breakfast. I was able to do both, and I must comment on the fact that ever since I got back from the fire, I have been using my Gillette Mach III razor, which is so much better than any other razor I have used in the past year. I had been saving this razor for the visit, and now, I am finally able to have a good shave.

I was fully showered, shaved, and dressed before breakfast. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to breakfast, but I needed something to occupy my time, and going to breakfast fit the bill. It was uneventful, and I sat with one of the members of the “table.” I have become more familiar with this particular member, and we do have many things in common. We attended the same university (U of Maryland); we are both from the east coast; we are both very skinny as he doesn’t eat any red meat; and he, too, is an exercise fanatic. The similarities don’t stop there as he, too, was having a visit today with a family member who came a long way (east coast). We were both excited and really didn’t eat much breakfast; however, it did provide a diversion and also killed a few minutes. I returned to my room to put on my visiting clothes. I have a special set of clothes just for visiting. I even ironed them last night as they have a tendency to get very wrinkled. My “visiting clothes” are the same type of clothes I am required to wear every day; however, since these are new clothes, they are a very bright shade of orange.

I was fully dressed and waiting as patiently as I could for 8:30 a.m. when visiting opens. I have a very good view from the window in my room to the visiting area. I can see all the cars pull in and see all the visitors walk up. I was waiting for the officer to go down to the visiting center because without an officer the visiting area doesn’t open. Visiting hours are from 8:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.; however, sometimes the officers are late arriving and delay the process. The officer finally arrived 12 minutes (yes, I was checking) late and went about his pre-opening duties. Finally, at 8:50 a.m., the cars were allowed into the visiting parking lot. My wife had rented a car just for the weekend, and she told me it was a Ford Focus, but she didn’t know the color when I last spoke with her. Before any cars pulled into the parking lot, I was picturing a little white care. Sure enough, the fifth car to pull in was a little white car, and out walked my family.

After I saw them from my room, I just wanted to run down to them and give them a big hug; however, had I done this, I would have been in big trouble. I had to wait for my name to be called over the loudspeaker. I watched my family enter the visiting area, and 10 minutes later, my name was finally announced. I had moved outside by this time and was in the office very swiftly. I was bringing out the original marriage license and birth certificates as I had to show them to the officer checking me out. Strangely, he made copies of my children’s birth certificates even though four copies had been previously made. I was not going to question anything at this point. All I wanted to do was go down to the visiting area. After the copies were made, the originals were returned to me, and off I went to the visiting area.

The walk from the office to the visiting area takes two minutes, but I made it down in one minute today. As I neared the area, I could see my beautiful daughter standing. She quickly saw me and started running. A few steps behind her was my son who was also running toward me. My daughter reached me first and gave me a big hug. I picked her up, and it was an incredible embrace. I put my daughter down and then picked up my son for another incredible embrace. Tears welled up in my eyes, and as I put my son down, I looked over to my left and saw my wife. I walked over to her, and we embraced warmly with a kiss. This was absolutely perfect, and I cannot believe it has been over one year since I last saw them. My children have grown considerably over the past year, and my wife has gotten prettier. I am a blessed person, and I was standing there staring at three blessings in my life.

I couldn’t believe how much my daughter and son had stretched out during the year. Wow, they do grow like weeds. When I first saw how much taller they were, I wondered if anything else had changed, such as their personalities. After spending 10 minutes with them, they were the same sweet, loving, gentle, and extraordinary children I left behind last year. These are great children, and even though I had last seen them over one year ago, it was as if I had seen them last week. Oh, my. I am a very fortunate person.

I wanted time to stop today, and I was very reluctant to look at my watch. I wanted to soak in every moment of the visit. I turned my attention to my wonderful wife and noticed a beautiful face and loving smile; however, underneath there is a great deal of worry and concern. We really didn’t have much time to converse today because I was playing with the children, and the time to converse didn’t seem exactly right. I have put this woman through hell, yet she has done a remarkable job proving normalcy to our children. I could see my children were remarkably normal, and in spite of having stretched over the past year, these are the same children I said goodbye to last year. This is all very amazing, and I do wish I could put my wife’s mind at ease; however, there are so many uncertainties surrounding my release, it is hard to come up with a concrete plan. My wife has been stressed for the past year financially which, of course, is a direct result of my behavior. She has never once held this over my head, which she has every right to. Somehow, she has managed to get by for the past year, but it is taking its toll on her. I know in my heart and in my brain everything is going to work out for the best when I am released, but this does not help my wife now. She continues to pick up the pieces I left behind, and I am forever grateful. I tried my best to convey to my wife that everything will be fine, but I am not sure if my words meant much. In 7-1/2 months, I will be released, and wherever I am legally allowed to live, I will get back on my feet; however, until such time, the financial burden falls squarely on my wife’s shoulders.

Today was incredible as we laughed, played, talked, and had fun. I was able to push my children on the swing set. We also played some board games and had a quick toss with both my daughter and son. My wife brought bagels, snacks, and we grilled hot dogs for lunch. Other than this being a prison’s visiting center, it was a Saturday in the park with my family. At one point, my son lay down next to me, and I started scratching his back, head, and face. These are the moments I miss so much. It took me a very long time to realize that is isn’t the toy or the gifts to the children that are important; it is spending TIME with them. I could spend eternity with my children, and I love them so much. A very wise person once told me love for children is spelled TIME, and it is so true. A very simple scratching of my son’s back or a kiss to my daughter’s forehead has so much meaning. I am very fortunate that I only have another 7-1/2 months away from them because seeing how much they have grown in the past year, they won’t be children forever.

My daughter is essentially the same little girl I last saw as she is sweet, sensitive, loving, kind, and caring. My son has blossomed in the past year as his vocabulary has grown, and he can easily identify numbers. He is also smart as he comes up with some extraordinary statements. His personality hasn’t changed as he, too, is kind, sensitive, caring, loving, and sweet. Both of my children are adorable, and it appears my son’s blue eyes are getting lighter while my daughter’s eyes are still as blue as ever.

Where did the day go? We had 5-1/2 hours of visiting time, and before I knew it, visiting hours were over. There was one point during the day where my ever-inquisitive 9-year-old noticed the writing on my pants and shirt. I had a feeling this was going to happen, but I didn’t forewarn my wife. On my pants, the letters are CDC PRISONER as is the case on the back of my shirt. My daughter noticed this and asked me. Before I was sentenced, I explained to my daughter that I made a big mistake and would have to go away for awhile to pay for this mistake. I never mentioned the words jail or prison so as to not scare her. Now, she sees the word prisoner on my clothes and has lots of questions. I did my best to explain that yes, I am a prisoner because of the mistake I made, and this is more of a camp as opposed to a jail or prison. She seemed somewhat satisfied with this answer, but I could still see the wheels in her head clicking away. She didn’t have anymore questions, so we went on enjoying our day.

The day came to a close so quickly, and they were walking back to the car. Thankfully, they will be back tomorrow because this one day was not enough. I’m not sure if the eight days we will share together will be enough, but it has to be. Oh my, I miss them so, and I miss being a dad. I never realized how much I love being a father until today. I love being with my wife and children as I always have but never really understood how much. It is amazing how having clarity of the mind helps so much. In years gone by, my mind was so clouded with unnecessary “stuff” (for lack of a better word) that when I was physically present with my family, my mind was somewhere else. Today, I was here both physically and mentally, which was incredible. It was a wonderful day, and as they walked to the car, each one of them blew kisses in my direction as I blew kisses right back. My wife loaded up the car, and off they drove. Prior to going to the car, we all embraced and kissed warmly. My son is still very affectionate, and he loves his kisses. My daughter gave me an extra long hug, and the embrace with my wife was filled with love. Unfortunately, they cannot stay for the next 7-1/2 months, so they were on their way but will return tomorrow morning.

I made the walk back to the office seemingly on cloud nine. I was in awe of my family and how incredible they are. As I got into the office and signed back in, it was back to my reality. The officer on duty patted me down which, of course, is a reminder of my environment. I departed the office, and on the way, I saw the member from the “table” who also had his visit today. We quickly spoke about our visits, and we were both smiling from ear to ear. I went to my room where I played back the last 5-1/2 hours in my head. Instead of beating myself up, I focused on the positives, and there are so many of them starting and ending with my family. I really have been blessed with three exceptional people; my wife, daughter, and son. These are truly great people, and I love them more than anything in the world. The positive energy flows through them and into my heart. This entire journey could have destroyed our family, yet it has strengthened it, and it does get stronger each day.

I needed a few minutes to bask in the wonderful day, so I lay down on my bed. I didn’t fall asleep. I just laid there with a big smile on my face. I needed the decompression time, and after I was fully decompressed, I started writing. I wrote until it was time for dinner. I didn’t need any food so I decided to return to my room for more writing. I didn’t spend all night writing as I went outside to enjoy the sunset. As the sun was setting, I couldn’t believe how fast the day had gone. It was as if someone hit warp speed because it was truly over in the blink of an eye. The sun had set, and I went back to my overly-quiet room/dorm. I picked up “Love Monkey” and read for a few minutes before retiring to sleep. As I went to sleep, I had a weird picture in my head of my family, and my smile wasn’t going to fade.