Oleander

The replacement captain said something very funny today. He was giving us fire safety training. Basically, the captain reiterated what my father had told me, “be aware at all times.” However, the captain, who has a very colorful tongue (talks like a sailor) added a few of his own adjectives such as, “most of you (we inmates) weren’t aware of your surroundings, which is why you got caught.” I have paraphrased him because I intentionally left out the colorful language, so the way he said it was much funnier. Anyhow, my father and he are so right because when fighting a wildfire or even in a grocery store, I have to be aware of my surroundings at all times. I have taken this a step further in my recovery because I must be aware of my surroundings and myself at all times.

Compulsive gambling is an insidious disease, and even though I have been in recovery for two years and five months, it still lives inside me and always will. This is why I must be aware at all times. Right now, it is relatively easy to work my recovery because I am not in the real world. I am in the real world of prison, but this is not my reality. My reality lies in the outside world with my incredible family. I know there will come a time in the not-so-distant future that life will get back to normal. The children will be growing, the demands of life will be on me, and life will be rolling along. Even under so-called “normal” conditions, I must stay aware of my recovery each and every day. I cannot let my guard down for one second because my disease is looking for any weakness to pounce. Once it pounces, life for me will be all over. I certainly don’t want this to happen which is why I practice the principles of the GA program each and every day. This saves my life each and every day and has taught me a much better way to live. I do love my life, and seeing my family last week has given me a huge boost. I know I am on the right track, and everything will be great.

Today, we went back to the same local area, but instead of weed whacking, we cut down oleander bushes. Oleander bushes are poisonous. They aren’t poisonous to the touch, but if their buds are ingested, it could be deadly. I remember first learning about these bushes when I lived in Las Vegas. I recall many of my friends having allergies to these bushes, and I vaguely remember the poison comments. Today, in keeping with the awareness of my surroundings, I wore my helmet, safety glasses, surgical mask, long-sleeved shirt, and gloves while I dragged the cut bushes across the road. It didn’t matter that the temperature was in the mid 90’s. What mattered is that my crew members and I kept safe. The captain emphasized the poison in the oleander bushes, and I stayed aware the whole day.

The work wasn’t very difficult, but it was very hot, especially in long sleeves, long pants, and gloves. It seems my sweat index has been working overtime ever since I came back from my family visit. I’m not sure why, but lately, I start sweating much sooner than I normally have. I have upped my water intake, but even with this, I must be aware. If I drink too much water in a very short timeframe, it is counterproductive. My system is very efficient and rids itself of any excess water. The captain made a good point in regard to staying hydrated. He told us a story that when he was a kid, he would hike in the middle of the day and would go for miles without any water. This has built his tolerance for water consumption over the years, and he does not need to consume as much water as other people with his height and weight. Once again, I related this to myself because, for a number of years, I wouldn’t carry a water bottle with me at the gym. I would go through some fairly intense cardio sessions without drinking any water. It was only a few years ago that I concerned myself with water intake, which is why I don’t require that much water. There are some crew members who drink gallons and gallons of water per day. This is great for them, but it doesn’t work for me. I try to drink about a gallon of water throughout the entire day, and I am in tune enough with my body to know if I am getting too much or too little water. Guidelines are great for almost everything, and the guidelines for water consumption do make sense; however, it all goes back to awareness. The awareness is to know your own body. I do know my own body, so my water consumption will be different than most others.

The day was another good and positive day all the way through. My attitude has gotten so much better over the past two months since arriving here, and I am so grateful. I once dreaded these grade projects. Now, I actually look forward to getting out of camp each and every day. The days are going fast. I do have my sights on the end of this journey, but in the meantime, I am embracing each and every day.

During the mail call, I received the monthly bulletin for GA. This was the July, 2007 edition. I had written a letter to the Bulletin, and this letter was published. I believe the letter bears repeating, and here it is:

This is Paul D. from the Temecula, California G.A. I have been a member of G.A. since February 28, 2005. In July of last year I was sentenced to four years in the California Prison System due to the crimes I committed to feed my gambling addiction. Thankfully, due to the G.A. Program, I have not placed a wager since. Today, 5 dear members of G.A., who are also dear friends, came to visit me, and we had a G.A. meeting. This was my first G.A. meeting since I was incarcerated last July. The meeting was wonderful. In fact, it was beyond wonderful.

My world was spinning out of control over 2 years ago when I entered the G.A. room for the first time. Now, 2 years later in spite of my surroundings my life continues to get better, and this is all thanks to G.A. and the incredible fellowship. Here I was sitting in the visiting area of a California prison with 5 people who were mere strangers over 2 years ago. Now, they are dear friends, and the Program continues to save my life every day. These friends wanted to make the meeting monthly, and I thought this was a good idea. The California Prison System does not have a G.A. meeting at the facility I reside in, and now I am able to attend a meeting on a monthly basis all thanks to my dear friends.

Miracles do exist, and the G.A. Program, along with the fantastic members, are miracles in my life. This morning we laughed, we cried, we hugged; but most of all the Program works 100%, and I cannot state this enough: the Program saves my life every day. Without G.A. in my life, I was a lost soul. Now, with G.A. in my life, I have found my soul, and my life is better than it has ever been. The Program works, and I love all the members in the fellowship. I will never be alone as long as I am part of G.A.

I would like to thank all the members who have given me nothing but love and support. Over 2 years ago, my life was a deep dark tunnel, and now there is a shimmering light at the end of that tunnel. Thank you everyone for guiding me towards the light in a positive manner.