"Previous" Life Happenstances

I couldn’t wait for the Gamblers Anonymous meeting yesterday afternoon. I was filled with all the knowledge from the conference over the past three days and really wanted to share this information. It was good that I didn’t do much of anything yesterday afternoon prior to the meeting because the down time did me well. It came time for the meeting and I was the first one to share. There were three other members who attended the meeting yesterday that also attended the recovery day at the conference and each one of them were very impressed with the day’s events.

I must admit I was much jazzed with all the good stuff at the conference especially the final day. I can remember attending conferences in my “previous” life and I didn’t put much into these conferences. My mind was certainly somewhere else in all of these conferences. There was one particular conference which was held in Las Vegas and I attended only one session over a three day period. No, I didn’t spend all of that time in the casino because in my deep denial of being a compulsive gambler I wouldn’t allow myself to spend more then a few minutes in the casino. Of course, I was placing all kinds of wagers on the internet over this period and it was clear I was anything but focused. It is so nice to be able to concentrate on the task or in this instance the conference’s session at hand. The more I think about my “previous” life the more I come to realize I was just a fool.

This brings me to a situation which happened at the conference and yes, it had to do with when I encountered a person from my “previous” life. My dear friend seemed to make it a point to introduce me to anyone and everyone even when I wasn’t by my friend’s side. Apparently according to my dear friend was mentioning me to another person at the conference and the characterization of “he is nothing but a crook” came to pass as this person referred to me. My dear friend of course defended me but the person’s mind would not change.

This is very real and something I must deal with the rest of my life. Thankfully I can accept these comments as something I cannot change nor control. People will think what they want to think and it is up to me to continue doing the right things as I progress in recovery. I know what I did was wrong but there is nothing I can do to change any of the past. I focus on today and today is wonderful.

I was having a conversation with one of the world’s most influential gaming attorneys and the conversation surfaced on people doing bad things. This attorney did not know my back story and took the position that once a person makes a mistake they need to be punished and there is little redemption after that point. Once again, I can’t change this person’s mind I can only add what I believe to be true. I believe everyone deserves a second chance after a mistake.

People such as me do bad, stupid and illegal things but that doesn’t make them a bad person. The action is bad but not the person. When the person called me a crook I took no offense because I certainly did a crooked thing however I am not a crook (in my best impression of President Nixon!!). Whether or not people deserve a second chance is not up to me at this point and I tried to rely the fact that people can redeem themselves. I’m not sure if the attorney believed me or had any credence in what I was saying but that is how I feel.

Back to the GA meeting yesterday afternoon which was very good and on the way home I drove with my dear friend and we got into a very good conversation actually a series of conversations. I find I am now forthright more so then I have ever been. I believe this is a combination of my recovery and what I learned when I was incarcerated which are very similar. The key for me is today is all I have and I want to make the very best of it. I don’t want to lie, cheat or steal anymore and living honestly is the way. The conversation was great and made an exclamation point on the excellent GA meeting.

The evening was over and it was time to go to sleep. This is my last week with my good friends and I am forever indebted to them for opening up their home to me over the past four months. It has been a very good four months and now it is time to move on. I am moving on in a very positive manner as my family will return very shortly. I am anxiously awaiting Wednesday morning to find out whether or not I will be able to travel to New Jersey and drive back with my family.

I woke up and decided to take a different tack this morning regarding working out. Normally my day off from working out is today (Monday) but I know at the end of this week I will be very busy moving so I wanted to workout today. Instead of my normal 2 ½ hour plus workout I purposely got out of bed later then usual before heading off to the gym. I did a few things differently this morning but still got in an outstanding workout. I didn’t do cardio for my usual hour plus instead I settled for a very intense 20 minutes and this 20 minutes felt like some of my two hour cardio routines. I am a creature of habit which is why it is good for me to breakout out of these habits with subtle changes. This may not sound like much but please believe me this is a huge step for me.

The workout was over and I headed to the office. I had some work waiting for me when I got in since I hadn’t been in the office since last Wednesday. I gathered up the work and methodically plodded my way through. I was anxiously waiting lunch time because this is when I would sign the lease on the house. Lunch time did arrive and I headed over to our new house. The lease signing went very smoothly and I was given the keys and garage door openers. It was official the house is now ours for the next 12 months and I walked around the house with a big smile on my face. Wow, two years ago almost to the day we were packing up our house and moving out. Now, we are moving in which I will be doing in a few days. The house couldn’t be anymore perfect in terms of size and location. I know everything happens for a reason and we are moving in this house for a reason, life is certainly grand!!

Not so much "Guts"

I made it back home from the conference and stopped at my favorite pizza place on the way. I had missed my usual Wednesday evening meeting with my dear friend who owns the restaurant so I decided to stop in. This wasn’t the best time to talk because Saturday evening they are very busy and this was the case last night. I talked for a little while but we would reconvene this Wednesday evening. This is a very good friend and I am continually amazed as to how many very good friends I actually seem to have. I am blessed in every possible aspect of my life.

I got back to the house unpacked, had some pizza and relaxed for the evening. We were one short for the usual Saturday evening of the Suze Orman Show and Deal or No Deal so our tradition has come to an end. If everything goes well this week next Saturday evening I will be in our house unpacking a few boxes which I will relish. These Saturday evenings have passed so very quickly and I am very grateful to my good friends for putting up with me over these four months and I mean that in every sense of “putting up with me”!!!

The evening came to an end and I thought more about the conference over the past three days. The final day (Recovery Day) was the brainchild of a good friend who thought it would be a great idea to add the element of recovery and Gamblers Anonymous into the Conference. I was surprised how many of the “clinical” and “professional” stayed around for the final day. It seemed every seat was just about occupied for the morning session and the attendance at the sessions I ventured into was better then the previous two days. This was a great idea and hopefully the “clinical” and “professional” people understand the power of Gamblers Anonymous.

I know a few months ago I had hoped to speak at the conference especially on the last day of recovery. However; as events transpired I didn’t have the opportunity to speak and I think this was a positive. My motives for speaking weren’t very good and at the time it would be only self-serving for me. This is wrong and I don’t want to be self-serving I was to serve others. The people who presented at the recovery sessions were excellent and I learned many things from these events. Everything does happen for a reason and it was good for me to sit back and listen. I know as long as I continue doing the right things which is embracing recovery/GA every day of my life there will be other opportunities to give back. However; for now I need to learn more about myself and my recovery which I certainly did over these past three days.

I have had some remarkable experiences in the short four months since my release from prison and I am grateful for all these experiences. I did have an encounter (that sounds so stark but I couldn’t find a better word!) with a person I used to work with who was at the conference and attended one of the sessions I had also attended. I hadn’t seen this person in over three years and really did not recognize this person at first. I actually stared at the person for a few seconds saying to myself, “that person looks so familiar” then one of my friends told me the person’s name and automatically connected the face with the name. I didn’t have the guts to go up to the person and say hello because I am still a little squeamish when I see a person from my past especially from my old employer. This certainly was inevitable in this setting and was surprised I didn’t see any other ex-colleagues. Hopefully I will get to a point in my recovery where I feel comfortable enough to say hello but for now I made myself scarce and faded into the crowd.

This may not have been the best course of action as it really is just avoidance. I am still taking the path of least resistance and need to get up some more guts in these encounters. It truly is what it is and if I continue to work in the field of problem gambling I will have more of these encounters so I need to really forgive myself. I have forgiven myself but in circumstances such as these I truly haven’t fully forgiven myself. There is no harm in saying hello and the worst thing that can happen is the other person doesn’t say hello in return. I need to get over it and I will make it a point the next time I run across somewhere from my past to just say hello.

I lounged around in bed this morning for an hour or so just relaxing. This would be my last Sunday of really no activity. I have a plan which could be derailed at any point but it is a plan nonetheless, that I will be moving next weekend in preparation for the return of my family so I just took it easy today. I did venture out to the gym and ran 13 miles (this really is taking it easy for me!) which felt very good. The run always seem to help clear my head and get me off to a good start for the day. I wasn’t in any hurry at the gym and spent most of the morning there.

I did call two dear friends for some information and these are two very dear friends who have been incredible over these past three years. As I mentioned earlier I am blessed with so many true friends and these are two of them. We are very fortunate to be going back to the same neighborhood where these two friends live and I look forward to reconnecting with these dear friends on a daily basis. I needed some advice and was given the advice regarding the house we are moving into, and all is well. I also inquired about other house related items and was given those thoughts as well.

This is going to be a very exciting week as I prepare the new house and prepare for the arrival of my family. I will know on Wednesday whether or not I will be able to travel to New Jersey and I am looking forward to that decision. I know everything is working out for the very best and will continue to work out for the very best.

NCPG Conference Recovery Day

I completely forgot to mention the telephone conversation I had yesterday during the conference. I was sitting in one of the sessions during the late morning yesterday and my cell phone went off. I couldn’t answer it so I let it go to voicemail. I retrieved the voicemail after the session and it was the telephone call I had been waiting for all week. I sensed this wasn’t a return call to many of my messages and had a sneaking suspicion what the message was all about. I did call back but got voicemail so I left a message and about an hour later I realized if the past is any indication of what was about to happen I wouldn’t receive any return call.

This is why I took it upon myself to call until I reached this person. Around 4 hours after I received the initial call I finally reached the person. My sneaking suspicion was right on target and the conversation was almost comical. I am not at liberty to go into details but I can say I will know next Wednesday whether or not I will be able to travel to New Jersey and drive back with my family. I have to say smiling during this exchange helped immensely. I know there is nothing I can do during this situation other then grin and bear it which is exactly what happened. In a short 9 months this final phase of my consequences will be all over and I will be able to exercise my freewill; however; until that time I will continue to recite the “Serenity Prayer” praying for the “wisdom to know the difference!!”

There was a fantastic discussion with my dear friend before we retired for the evening. The discussion was about Gamblers Anonymous and those who truly understand the program. This was fascinating because it contains an area where I need much more improvement. This dear friend who has over 40 years associated with the GA Program stated the biggest failure of members in GA does not really understand the “Higher Power” concept. The key principle is first and foremost Spirituality. The Spiritual Higher Power takes the member’s ego out of the equation and I know I have a long way to go in this area. I know I cannot do this on my own and I know there is a power greater then myself; however; I internalize this Higher Power as truly myself which is wrong.

I have a Spirit inside of me that I believe exists in every human being on this planet. I can’t really explain this Spirit but I know it is entrenched with goodness. This Spirit does exist inside of me but it is not me. I’m not sure if I am being clear or for that matter making any sense. I believe in a Higher Power which I define as a “Spirit”. I thought for a long time probably up until last night that this Spirit was truly me. It is not me it is of me. I know I have chased trying to control my compulsive gambling addiction for over twenty years to no avail until I arrived at GA over three years ago. I have come to believe in a power greater then myself last night and this power is not of this world. It is indeed a Spirit and this Spirit continues to guide me on a path of righteousness, goodness and positivism. I need and want to continue defining my Spirit and thankfully I can now remove myself from the equation.

This could be considered an “ah—ha” moment and a light bulb did go off in my head as I listened to my wise dear friend. Once I start thinking it is me doing all the work I go off track and I have been off track for the past three years. It took a five minute conversation for me to realize I was indeed off track and now I hope to get back on track with the assistance of my Higher Power. I am so happy I was able to share a room with my dear friend because I learned so much over these past three days. This was a kin to a recovery retreat and a counseling session all wrapped up into one. I listened intently and will take these lessons to heart.

This morning I was awake early and went down to the hotel’s fitness center for the early morning workout. I enjoyed riding the cycle yesterday because it is a newer version of the very old one’s at my regular gym. The only issue I had this morning that the fitness center was very warm almost like a sauna. I could feel this in the first five minutes as I started dripping with sweat. I couldn’t do nearly the intensity I did yesterday because of the heat but I still managed to get in a good workout. The workout was over and I headed back up to the room where I got ready for the day.

Today was the final day of the Conference indeed and was designated a “recovery day” with full invitation to my brethren in the GA fellowship. I was greeted by many familiar faces as I made my way to the conference rooms. I had been looking forward to this particular day and it certainly didn’t disappoint. The opening speaker was one of the country’s leading researcher, psychiatrist and overall expert on problem gambling.

I had done a session with this person prior to my sentencing and was given a written report explaining my compulsive gambling experiences. Even though he is a very intelligent person and was dealing with some very sophisticated terms and techniques; he had a way to “dumb it down” for the lay people such as myself. It was funny because the medical descriptions only discovered some 20 years ago regarding problem gamblers mimicked the words in the GA Combo book written 50 years ago. The good folks who founded GA were way ahead of their time.

When the very eloquent speaker was finished I went to the session called “Women in Recovery”. I had heard about this session last night from the lady I shared something other then being in GA as we both have spent time in prison. By the way I would be remiss if I didn’t provide a link to her book and her wonderful website which helps women from all over the world recover from compulsive gambling. I wanted to see this session because it went beyond just women in recovery as it was about recovery. The session was well attended in fact over the past three days this session had the biggest attendance and was well received. This was a very special session I am so happy I attended.

The next session was titled “Self Forgiveness and Recovery from Compulsive Gambling” presented by one of the pioneers in the field of treatment of compulsive gamblers. The subject matter encompassed the 12 steps from GA as it relates to forgiveness for the compulsive gambler. This was fascinating and was exactly like working the 12 steps of recovery with a clinical twist. The first three steps deal with shame, the next six steps deal with guilt and the final three steps maintain a sane way of life. I did get a great deal out of this session and hopefully those in attendance not associated with a 12 step program understood the material because it does apply to those not in recoveries.

The lunch session was complete with a wonderful speaker who has over 28 years in the GA Program and someone who has given their life to the program. This person was very instrumental to me when I was in prison providing me with the monthly GA newsletter and keeping me connected to the program. There are so many heart warming stories in GA and this was another of those heart warming stories. The final session I attended was titled, “Working the GA Program” presented by four long time incredible GA members. This also dissected the 12 steps of recovery and certainly made a great deal of sense. The central theme was of a Higher Power vis-à-vis Spirituality. This was a wonderful way to complete the recovery day and I did learn many things today. The idea of adding recovery to the conference was a phenomenal idea which enhanced the conference greater. I had a wonderful time and God willing I will be associated with these conferences in the future.

NCPG Conference Day Two

The day of workshops had ended but the involvement with the Conference continued through the evening. The evening event was a scheduled tour of the Queen Mary and yes, that is the “original” Queen Mary that used to sail across the Atlantic in the early part of the 20th century. I had never been on or for that matter near the Queen Mary before. I have seen it many times on television and it seem like a nightly occurrence on the evening news coverage of the weather. I was intrigued with the prospect of seeing the Queen Mary and purchased a ticket for the evening’s events aboard the ship. As we came into full view of the ship it reminded me very much of the Titanic and someone astutely pointed out that the two ships are very similar with only one visible distinction with the number of smokestacks between the two vessels.

The event was arranged very nicely and on board the bus I sat next to one of if not the most influential researchers for problem gambling. I had read many of the papers published by this person and I was pleasantly surprised to see that this person is a very “regular” person but it was obvious as we spoke that this person was extremely intelligent a very knowledgeable about problem gambling. The great aspect of this conference is bringing together all facets of problem gambling from the casino operators to the treatment providers to the statisticians to the people affected by problem gambling and all aspects in between.

I have met and continue to meet so many incredible people. I had the good fortune to sit down with one of the world’s most authoritative figures in Gaming Law. This was another “regular” person but also very brilliant. I didn’t really get the feeling that this person “understood” problem gambling as it occurs to people. There was more of an esoteric discussion and there seem to be a clear distinction between problem gambling and a problem gambler. (I’m not sure if that make sense?) In the course of our discussion it was admitted that there is something called problem gambling but in the attorney’s mind that distinction ended well before it crossed over to a human being. This could be just a play on words but in my mind and certainly in my situation there are real people and certainly real consequences involved. I don’t know if I can separate problem gambling from a problem gambler and this could be a way of sticking to the letter of the law.

The discussion got on to the subject of “due care” which seems to be emphasized with a lawsuit brought by a problem gambler. It was explained to me because the state (that is any state) sanctions gaming the “due care” aspect is exempt from the gaming operator thus rendering the operator exempt from any lawsuits brought by the harm of their “product”. This did not sit well with me but I listened while not saying very much. There has to be a “due care” standard somewhere whether it is the operator or the state because otherwise why would there even be a problem gambling conference. The question of liability seems to be floating about and this (in my opinion) is why many of the casino operators are having their employees trained on how to deal with someone who maybe a problem gambler.

I can analogize this to the Tobacco and Alcohol Industry. Many states don’t “sanction” tobacco and alcohol consumption rather they “allow” the sales of these products in their states and tax these products. The Gaming Industry is also taxed and in some states such as Pennsylvania which has a 55% tax rate (other states are much lower) this tax can be very significant; however, very little and in some instances none of this goes toward the treatment of problem gambling which to me seems very strange. Anyhow I do believe there is a “due care” that must be exercised by either the state or the operator and maybe both in order to assist those who have a compulsive gambling disorder.

The visit to the Queen Mary was something I will do once and I don’t want to sound negative so I will say I am happy I got to see it. I thought the evening’s events aboard the Queen Mary included dinner but I was wrong. Thankfully my dear friend asked me if I were hungry after I consumed a plate of carrots, broccoli and cucumbers to which I said, “yes”. We departed the ship and did not participate in the evening’s karaoke event which is probably much better for those who stayed!!! Since I am a very finicky eater we tried to go the hotel’s restaurant but hamburgers are not my forte. I convinced my dear friend to walk across the street to P.F. Chang’s where we had a great dinner. Along with the great dinner came great conversation and my dear friend who has been associated with problem/compulsive gambling for the past 40 years has so many wonderful and in some instances “not so wonderful” stories. I listened intently to these stories all night long through dinner and when we got back to the hotel.

One story struck a chord with me and it was about recovery and the Gamblers Anonymous Program. This dear friend has seen thousands of people go in and out of the GA Program and the key ingredient is the program itself. My dear friend told me a story of a person who involved themselves in GA for 10 years but somehow stopped going to meetings. This person abstained for the next 22 years without gambling but again without going to meetings; however; in the 22nd year under the “wrong” set of circumstances started gambling without the thought of the consequences and all of that abstinence was erased over the next three years and was in worst shape then ever. This is very key for me because I fully understand this addiction of mine may very well be “arrested” at this point in my life but I must maintain my recovery one day at a time for a lifetime. I need and want the program in my life because my life continues to get better each and everyday.

The day started with me finding the hotel’s fitness center and I exercised for an hour. I do enjoy started my day like this no matter where I am and I got in a very good workout. After this day two of the conference commenced. Again just like day one I sat in on some very good sessions which included, internet gaming, problem gambling funding in Kansas, responsible gaming program and moving towards best practices in responsible gaming. The internet gaming session was very interesting and something I was very familiar with for a number of years. The key component I took out of this was when the researcher stated that the compulsive/problem gambler loses so much “time” with their addiction.

I tried my best to cover-up my compulsive gambling and was mostly physically present at my job and at home with my family but this was not a constructive time in my life as my mind was seemingly always somewhere else. Most times when a compulsive gambler comes into GA for the first time the emphasis is on the amount of money lost but this is not the most important element/consequence of the addiction. It is the amount of time lost thinking, planning and actually gambling. This was no way to live life and thankfully I no longer have to live this way. It seems my head is so much clearer now then it has ever been in my life. I still have a long way to go because I still have some preoccupation going on but it is much better then previous.

I attended two sessions presented by two very influential people in my life and in the GA Program. I considered these two people very dear friends and I sat mesmerized with their respective presentation. The very good and educational day had ended and it was time for a very nice dinner. On the walk over to the restaurant I met a fellow GA member who was also in prison for embezzlement crimes. This GA member has subsequently written a book about their experience and it took them 17 years to complete the book. I did my best to pick their brain and was very impressed with how this person has embraced recovery. Also, if anyone sees this person they would be the least likely person to have been in prison. Dinner was great and there were more stories along with great fellowship. I continued to be blessed in so many different aspects in my life.

NCPG Conference Day One

I woke up early but not much earlier then normal to make my way to the National Council on Problem Gambling’s Annual Conference. It truly is amazing how things work out. When I was in prison I corresponded with the Executive Director of this organization who is based in Washington D.C. This conference does happen every year and it has been in various locations all across the United States. It so happens (maybe not so “happened”) the conference would be held about 90 miles away from where I live this year and would be held at a time I would be able to attend. I wanted very much to attend the Gamblers Anonymous Conference as they celebrated 50 years last year in October. I was a bit “detained” (in many ways) and was unable to attend that conference but through the graciousness and generosity of the Executive Director who extended me a complimentary invitation I was off to the conference this morning.

I do live in Southern California and the freeways I would be traveling on could be quite congested so I departed giving myself ample time. I didn’t encounter any major traffic tie-ups and I arrived about 30 minutes sooner then I had planned. The drive was fine and I pulled into the hotel’s parking lot where I set out to see a dear friend. This dear friend whom I have written about in the past is a true “pioneer” in the field of problem/compulsive gambling. This friend has just celebrated 40 years in the Gamblers Anonymous Program and was gracious enough to offer me to stay with him at the hotel. This is the program working and another testament in regards to people helping people. My dear friend understands my financial situation and offered to help in anyway and sharing a room was a huge help.

In the past (prior to recovery) I wouldn’t think about sharing a hotel room with anyone other then my wife and family. I was a true snob when it came to these things and many other things for that matter. Thankfully, I may have “matured” but it is all about being in recovery. My mind is so much clearer now then it has ever been and this will be the second time this month I share a room with a very dear friend. Also, being in prison for 19 ½ months taught me and continues to teach me a few things. I shared a cell, bunk and a room all through that period so sharing a hotel room just makes more sense now then it has at any other point in my life.

I walked up to my dear friend’s room and knocked. The door open and I was greeted with a big smile and a warm hug. It was great to see this dear friend who I didn’t know at all three years ago but in recovery this is a person I would love to emulate. A true “pioneer” in the world of compulsive gambling doesn’t give my dear friend justice, this is a truly special person who has dedicated their life to helping compulsive gamblers and this dear friend continues to help me not only with sharing the room but teaching me how to recover from this insidious disease.

We caught up with one another for a few minutes before my dear friend had to depart for a meeting prior to the conference. I was told to make myself at home and I quickly unpacked my belongings. I sat in the room for a few minutes staring out at the Queen Mary across the harbor. I had never been to Long Beach (California) before and from what I could see I was very impressed. There is a large port which is also visible from the hotel window but his large port is well off to the side of town and the rest of town is very quaint. There is a large aquarium adjacent to the hotel and many restaurants and shops all around. This was a great choice for the conference in so many different ways.

I made my way down to the conference where I registered. The ironies in my life never stop as the lanyard (another word for necklace) which holds the name badge was sponsored by my previous employer with their name prominently displayed. I had to smile when I saw this because I may be out of the gaming business but my intention is to help in the problem gaming business and there really isn’t much separation. The irony settled in and I walked around prior to the Keynote Speaker. I ran into a few people I hadn’t seen in awhile and a few others that I recognized but couldn’t place the name. Anyhow I went into the grand ballroom for the keynote address.

The speaker was scheduled to be Maria Shriver (aka the first lady of California) but for some reason (I think conflicting vacation schedules) she had to cancel. Her replacement didn’t have the cache of Maria Shriver but was effective as he discussed many different treatments for problem gamblers. He was from Canada and heads their responsible gambling commission. One treatment he discussed was “controlled” gambling for the compulsive gambler. This is the complete opposite of the Gamblers Anonymous Program where abstinence is the only way. At first I was a bit opposed to this technique but for some people this may work because the end result was indeed abstinence. I know for me recovery which has abstinence as a principle is the only way but I am all for helping anyone who needs help. I did enjoy the presentation very much.

After the keynote speaker the breakout sessions commenced and I went to a session on “Key Results from the 2006 California Prevalence Survey” and the results weren’t very earth shattering as California has the most “at risk” and “problem” gamblers then any other state because the state is the most populous and gaming is easily accessible. The key to all of this were the dollars allocated for prevention and treatment. Unfortunately there aren’t a whole lot of dollars available in spite of the findings. I think this is the first step in the process and somewhere along the way there will be funds available.

The next session was my favorite of the day, “Criminal Justice Panel” with a leading attorney/professor along with the Judge who started the country’s first gambling court. This judge was featured in the Al Roker program I appeared on a few years ago. The judge certainly understands compulsive gambling and understands that there are certain people who do NOT belong in prison. He is taking his concept on the road if I may and presented it to other jurisdictions. In his words it has been a long process and there are other judges who just “don’t get it”. I really appreciated his presentation and the other presenters as well. I was fascinated with the Judge’s personality and spoke with him briefly after the session. He agrees the prison system all throughout the United States is broken and there needs to be viable alternative which he is providing. This was an enlightening session and I sure wish the judge who sentenced me could spend a few minutes speaking with this very proactive person.

The session was completed and it was time for lunch. As I was walking to the ballroom for the lunch session I noticed the Executive Director so I stopped to thank him for the invitation and I was greeted with a big hug. Here is a person who is in charge of a very important organization and was genuinely happy to see me. I was honored and touched in so many ways. We spoke for a few minutes and I told him how I was doing which brought a big smile to his face. He mentioned something like me being a “poster boy” for recovery from compulsive gambling and I thanked him very much. This was a wonderful moment and it has all been made possible with recovery.

The afternoon sessions went well and as I sat in one session my cell phone went off. I politely let it go to voice mail not to disrupt the session. After the session I retrieved the message and it was from the agent in regards to renting the house. I quickly called the agent back and was informed that the house was indeed ours and I will be signing the lease this Monday. I was so relieved and had a few goose bumps run down my arm. Yes, it is all coming together in the best way possible and now we have a house in the same neighborhood we departed two years ago. The transition for everyone should be eased with this news and after I spoke with the agent I had to call my wife with the news. I think she was relieved as well and now this part in place as we rebuild our family. It has been a wonderful day!!!!

Much Better Circumstances

Yesterday morning I talked myself out of working out but this morning I was back at the gym for the morning workout. I have been some what bummed out about my new running shoes being “broken” (for lack of a better term). The running shoes maybe “broken” but I still managed to run 12 miles in them on Sunday and today I cycled 21 miles in them as well. I have contacted the place where I purchased them and have been informed that it has been over 30 days (31 days to be exact) which meant they would not accept a return on the running shoes. This did upset me so I contacted the manufacturer of the running shoes (New Balance) and have been informed I can return the running shoes to their corporate address in Massachusetts. I was very encouraged with this news because I do like these shoes very much and that is what I call “customer service”.

I was feeling a bit lethargic this morning and it took me awhile to get into the workout. I even struggled a bit on the cycle but quickly warmed up covering the 21 miles while dripping with sweat. There are some days such as today where I seem to sweat so much more then other days. I’m not sure what it was but it could have something to do with my inner stress level.

I will readily admit I am feeling the “stress” (again for lack of a better word) of everything that is happening or for that matter everything that is NOT happening. I woke up this morning and I could feel my heart beating quite rapidly. This was very unusual and after a few calming deep breaths the rapid heart beat went away. Of course, this is all from what is circulating around me. I am anxious to hear about the house and my trip. I do feel I will hear about the house prior to hearing about the trip because today yet again I left another message to no avail. I know there is nothing I can do with either one of these situations and I am doing my best to let it all take its course.

The main reason for this blog is for me to be honest. I have come to the belief that there isn’t a difference between being a little or completely honest. Either I am honest or I am not. There is brutal honesty which is something I do my best to stay away from but there is honesty in my life, finally. I have said this in the past and it bears reiteration; I would lie because it was much easier to do then to tell the truth taking the path of least resistance. I was having a conversation the other day regarding how difficult it can be to be honest. I did disagree with this concept because now I find it much easier to be honest then to lie. Lying progressed me into a prison cell and the truth has certainly let me free in every sense of the word.

I need to maintain this honesty through this blog and sure I do struggle sometimes but the struggles are very minimal. I am coming to an end of a phase where I have been separated from my family and I am looking forward to finally being a family after two years of the separation. All of what I am currently going through will pass as everything passes. “This too shall pass” is a great quote and somewhere down the road I will look back and say, “What was I getting so excited about?” It is a process and I am firmly embedded in the process as I move toward being with my family. The plan I had in mind has changed several times but it is the plan that is intended. This course of my life is moving forward with honesty, dignity, and in a wonderfully positive manner. This doesn’t mean there are down times but those down times are certainly minimized.

Today I met two wonderful dear friends for lunch. The last time I met these friends was under completely different circumstances as they visited at the fire camp back in January. These dear friends were vacationing in San Diego and were driving back home to Las Vegas so we met for an incredible lunch. I selected my old favorite of the Souplantation which certainly serves a great purpose and has very good food. The food did not matter at all it was the company that mattered.

These are great friends whom I have known for many years (over thirty years). It is always wonderful to see them and today was great seeing them while not wearing orange!!!! The hour and a half lunch went by so quickly and as I was greeted with big hugs we hugged good-bye. I cannot say enough about these dear friends and they made my day today. I am blessed beyond belief in every way imaginable and some unimaginable!

The wonderful lunch was over and I returned to the office as I prepare for being away from the office for the next two days. I am attending the National Council on Problem Gambling’s Annual Conference. This is something I have looked forward to for at least one year. The Executive Director of the Council invited me when I was in prison and now here it is one day away. Time does go quickly and more importantly I will see some very dear friends and I am actually staying with one of these dear friends for the three day conference.

I am very interested in the all aspects of problem gambling and I do believe I bring a “unique” perspective to the table being a compulsive gambler (thankfully in recovery) and having worked for the gaming industry. There will be many gaming executives at the conference and some of which I had worked with in the past. It is inevitable that my path shall cross this way and I no longer hide from myself. I am at peace with myself and it is a wonderful place to be!!!

An Oddity!!!

The other day I was driving to the office and I noticed something I hadn’t seen happen in the four months since my release; the price of gas at one gas station actually went down from the previous day. The price went down 2 cents but this is a far cry from the daily increase over the past four months. The price of gas at these gas stations has been very reminiscent of the billboard in New York City which displays this country’s national debt as those numbers never went down only up, up and up some more!!!

The price of gas has been like this in my four months but somehow this one gas station had a decrease from the previous day. I thought it might be an oversight but gauging from the other gas stations which didn’t register a decrease but unusually didn’t register an increase as well. Maybe there is a stabilization of some sort but I doubt it as it is more of a brief pause before the price reaches $5 a gallon in the next month or so.

Out here in California we have one of the highest prices of gasoline because we have the highest amount of drivers in the nation. Simple economics play very well with the demand being very high in spite of the very expensive price. I guess we Californians love our cars and I haven’t noticed a decrease in the number of cars on the number again despite the price of gas.

At some point something has to give because there is only a finite amount of money available to most people and I am in this category. I am very fortunate to live close to my office and my driving is very limited other then yesterday when I made the unnecessary trek to the very brief training session. If all goes well with the house I visited yesterday I will be even closer to the office and conceivably could take a bicycle to work which I am considering.

I have to make a choice next week on whether or not to pursue a second car and if I am that close to work my wife and I could most certainly car pool which means we really need only one car. Sure this could be an inconvenience as we have always had two vehicles ever since we were married. We were down to one car about a month prior to my sentence as I had to sell my car and some how we did manage.

I know we can manage and it is all about being fiscally responsible which has been elusive for a number of years. This is something I should have been doing all along but my addiction prevented me from thinking clearly. Thankfully in recovery I can think much more clearly and even though my salary has significantly been reduced from previous years I think we will be in better financial shape. Of course this is a day at a time venture and really only time will answer these questions.

Yesterday evening was another edition of the Monday evening Gamblers Anonymous speaker’s meeting and this was another splendid speaker. There are so many powerful stories in Gamblers Anonymous and it really is incredible where this disease can bring some people. Sure it brought me to a place where I never thought I would end up (prison) and the person who spoke yesterday evening went to the brink of death. In Gamblers Anonymous it is very clear where compulsive gambling can take a person; prison, insanity or death. There have been some unfortunate souls who have taken part in all three of these horrible aspects. I have taken part of two of the three and I know as long as I stay committed to recovery I will not be lead to death by compulsive gambling.

I have a long way to go and so much I want to experience and one of these experiences will commence very soon with the return of my family. The winds of their arrival are swirling and oh by the way I still haven’t received an answer on whether or not I will be able to travel to New Jersey which was supposed to take place next week. I have left messages and it is yet another thing I have zero control over which is why I will let it go accepting whatever happens as the very best. Sure it would have been nice, considerate and other positive traits knowing whether or not I can travel but I will continue to make telephone calls until I receive an answer. Such is my lot in life at the present moment and I am not about to get upset or lose faith; it truly is what it is.

Recovery is the way to go and earlier today I was going through some very old correspondences which date’s back to my second fall from grace due to my compulsive gambling addiction and my goodness I was not a nice person. I was very selfish, self-serving and in MAJOR denial. My eyes weren’t ready to open and it took another 13 years before I realized how consumed I had become by gambling. I firmly believe due to my compulsive gambling addiction my brain was incapable of doing the right thing; however; now in recovery now I am not only capable but willing and able to continue to do the right thing one day at a time.

Dizzying Day

There are days such as today where the time seems to accelerate into warp speed. I had always wondered where these types of days were when I was incarcerated and today I felt the full force. I have been cognizant to “make my days count” rather then to just count my days in recovery. This was almost the opposite of being in prison because I was counting down the days. I have been counting down the days until my family returns and there return is imminent which is causing the acceleration into warp speed. I thought this would be the time where I would be getting the house where were to live ready for my family but those plans have been altered. I spent the last two days searching for a house and it appears I have found that house.

Ironically (or maybe not so ironically) this house is located a mere two tenths of a mile from our previous house. This house is in walking distance of the school where my children will be attending in August and it is located very close to many of our friends. The transition for our children (and hopefully my wife) will be seamless because they know the location and know many people. It could be like returning after a two year hiatus basically all ready to “plug and play”.

The house is immaculate and it became very clear to me when I drove up to it that it wasn’t owned by people with children. I don’t know if this will be a help or hinder in the process but I can state the house is in very good shape, make that excellent shape. The landscaping is full of fruit trees and complete with a vegetable garden. Fortunately the rental payment comes with a gardener but it could have been fun tending to these grounds. The inside of the house is perfect for the four of us giving our daughter and son their own room. They have been sharing a room much to the chagrin of our daughter for the past two years and now it is time for them to have their own room My wife has had her own room much like me who has also had an own room for the past two years. I did share many of my rooms with another person but for the past four months I have had my own room and now it is time to finally share a room with my wife.

This house is the house I have been visualizing for the past two years. I really can’t explain this very well but for some reason I couldn’t get the thought of our old house out of my mind but when I would picture it I would see the house I saw today. I’m not sure if I can quantify this as the “Power of Intention” but I instantly felt at home when I drove up to the house. Everything about the house is perfect with one minor exception; for some reason there wasn’t a microwave oven over the stove much like in all of the other houses built at this same time. There was a standalone microwave oven set aside from the granite countertop atop cart just for the microwave oven. This seemed unusual but that was the only “negative” and I use that term very loosely because it isn’t a negative at all. The reminder of the house complete with a loft which would make a great game room for the children will suit our needs very well.

This is a process and unlike the other house I really liked this house is an “agency rental” which creates more of a process. There are forms to be filled out and some “hoops” to jump through. I am ready to jump through the hoops and I am now all about “full disclosure”. When I first downloaded the rental forms I cringed at the questions but the very nice real estate agent suggest building a “rental resume”. I had never heard of such a thing but did look at his suggestion on the website. Basically the “rental resume” is a human/personal touch to the rental application process. This is a place where I can have “full disclosure” and this is exactly what I am going to do. I will explain our story and provide references and background for everything I state. I have no idea if this will aid in getting the house but I am not about to lie or omit the facts. I won’t be blunt such as I really want this house after getting out of the “pen”! I think I can be a little more tactful explaining the situation to the best of my ability. It didn’t take me long to come up with this plan and I started to feel very good about a process that I was somewhat leery of.

This process is supposed to go quickly because the owners would like someone in the house by July 1st which is next week. I can’t believe July 1st is already here and I am supposed to depart for New Jersey on July 2nd. This doesn’t give me very much time to get things in order and oh by the way I still haven’t heard anything about whether or not I will be able to go on this trip. I have a telephone call to make tomorrow and hopefully I will have an answer. I know this decision is out of my control just like the decision on whether or not we will be able to rent the house. I trust and believe everything will work out for the best and the process is working out for a reason.

The day was dizzying as I had to drive 50 miles to the north for a training session which was allegedly going to last all day. Well all day turned into 45 minutes and it really was a waste of gasoline. With all of the technology that exists today this meeting could have been completed electronically thus saving everyone the gas money. Unfortunately the folks administering the training session weren’t very proactive but again something I cannot control. I did suggest on their comment cards to have the training session which will happen again next year, electronically thus saving on gas and the environment. Anyhow the training session was quickly over and I returned to the office. When I got back to the office it seemed as if everyone had caught the flu. My boss was out sick and a few others of my co-workers were going home early because they too were sick. I did my best to stay out of the germs way and before I knew the day had come to an end.

Yes, it was one of those days where I say “where did the time go”. Time can get away from me and it is up to me to make that time count. I did have a very good day and I continue on in recovery thinking honestly, open-minded and willing to do the right thing. The right thing is disclosing my situation which is simply telling the truth. I am done with hiding behind lies and seemingly taking the path of least resistance. Honesty is the path of least resistance for me and I embrace this concept with all of my being.

House Quest

I have a weekly conversation with my sponsor and sometimes like this week it happens twice in one week. Normally we speak with one another on Sunday evening which was just like our correspondence when I was in prison. We would write to one another each Sunday so now it only made sense to have our telephone conversation on the same day. Yesterday I decided I needed a “dose” of my sponsor’s wisdom which is why I called. Our conversations are always very good and usually center on recovery/Gamblers Anonymous.

My sponsor just celebrated his 18th year associated with GA and those have been a very full 18 years. My sponsor has held many positions in the fellowship and has incredible knowledge of recovery. He had a similar experience to mine spending some time in prison due to crimes committed to propel his compulsive gambling addiction. Thankfully to GA and essentially recovery he has not place a wager of any type in the past 18 years. This is wonderful and although his life has had its ups and downs in that time life is better in recovery.

I learn and continue to learn so much from my sponsor and our conversation yesterday evening was no exception. I told him all about my current situations and as always he lent a very empathetic ear. He wisely stated that these aren’t “problems” in a grand sense rather “inconveniences”. Of course I agreed and thankfully I don’t view anything as a “problem” because over the past three years my perspective has grown larger as to what is important. Sure I would have loved to have the plans that were in place happen but as life goes it just wasn’t meant to happen. I know everything will continue to work out for the very best and listening to my sponsor’s wisdom most certainly is a great help.

At my first meeting my soon to be sponsor sat directly across from me and although we had never met I felt a very deep connection almost immediately. I keep this very deep connection to this very day yes, we are now separated by distance but he is always just a telephone call away. I am eternally grateful to my sponsor and for all of his wisdom. I know the program works as evidenced directly from my sponsor.

I always feel great when I speak with my sponsor and I do look forward to our conversations. The conversation was over and I returned home for the evening. It wasn’t the usually Saturday evening watching the “Suze Orman Show” and “Deal or No Deal” with my dear friends as sickness spread over the house. My good friend wasn’t feeling so well and I was relegated to watching these programs by myself. It wasn’t the same because normally there are always “smart” comments by one of us during the program and it really doesn’t work with only one person. My Saturday evening’s with my good friends are coming to an end as my family will be here very soon. These Saturday evenings have been very palatable all thanks to my friends.

That was the extent of my Saturday evening and I went to sleep. I was up early (for a Sunday) because I had some houses to see after I worked out. I woke up and my lower back along with my abdominals were very sore. I did an exercise for my lower back that I don’t normally do, yesterday and as I was performing the exercise I knew instantly that I would be sore today, sure enough I was very sore this morning. The same could be said of my abdominals as I did a different exercise which caused the soreness. In spite of the soreness I headed to the gym for a workout. I got in a very good workout and I even ran 12 miles with a defective running shoe. The running shoes I specifically purchased for the marathon and the same running shoes which I really like seemed to have “broken down”.

The back part of the shoe has collapsed almost as if someone had given me a permanent “flat” as the shoe hasn’t come back to its original shape. The shoe maybe defective but it is still useable. The shoe just doesn’t feel as snug but I still ran the 12 miles. I have tried to fix the shoe but can’t seem to get the back of the shoe the way it was originally. I have written the shoe company because I have only had these shoes for the past 30 days and yes, I have done a great deal of running in these over that period but the shoes shouldn’t break down so quickly. Anyhow I still managed to get in a very good run and it was the most I have run since the marathon. I finished and made my way to the “housing quest”.

I vividly remember when we moved here 7 years ago from Las Vegas and looking for a house. My wife and I looked seemingly everywhere for a house but had a difficult time finding the right house then after going down a road we never had been boom there was our house. Well in the past 7 years there has been plenty of building in the area and there are many more houses to choose from. I looked at three houses to rent today and each house was very nice and very reasonable. It appears my timing from exiting the real estate market to my time re-entering the real estate market could be very good.

The first house I visited was not far from where we used to live and has a very convenient location to our children’s school. The people who own the house seem very nice and I felt very good about the house and the owners. The second house was a little farther away and wasn’t as nice as the first house. The third house was beautiful but it is pushing the upper end of our budget and we really don’t need that large of a house.

There is a house only a few blocks from our children’s school which I had called on yesterday and again today. The house appears to be in good shape and the price is also reasonable, I am just waiting for a call back so I can visit the house. I did like the first house and the timing seems right and I am sure it will all work out for the best. After the “house quest” I had lunch with a very good friend and I spoke about my “house quest” and was advised that what I had seen seemed like a very good deal and I should take it. I do believe my friend is correct and I will wait one more day for a call back on the other house before committing to anything.

The day ended with the Sunday evening GA meeting which was a very special birthday celebration for a very good member celebrating their 4th year in the program. This member was there at my first meeting and is always on point during the sharing session. GA is an incredible program it is wonderful to see how people progress through the program. I have yet to see a person who was upset at their birthday celebration and as always this is a perfect example of how great the program is. The birthday celebration was excellent and a good way to end a very good weekend.

Asunder

“Life is what happens when you are busy making plans” said one famous philosopher. What happens when the best laid plans go asunder? I guess that goes back to the first statement as life keeps going no matter the amount of planning. I thought I had a very good plan set for our housing needs starting next month and this good plan was assisted greatly by our dear friends. However; a very long sorted story made short we need to come up with another plan for our housing needs. We were getting an unbelievable deal all thanks to our dear friends but this has gone astray. Now it is on to Plan B or is it Plan C or D? I have lost track but this is all part of the process of life.

One of our dear friends explained the situation to me last night and I think our dear friends were more upset then me all of this didn’t pan out. I am eternally grateful to them for all that they have done for me over the past four months and over the past three years. I am extraordinarily blessed with extraordinary friends and this process has been made so much easier all because of them. It would have been wonderful if the plan stayed on course but even the best laid plans can come unglued. All of this has been completely out of my hands so I have no right to be angry, mad or distraught. It truly is what it is and I do know whatever transpires over the next few days will be for the best as this news has happened for a reason.

I spoke with my wife last night and told her the news. I was thinking of waiting until today but I had to tell her and in retrospect it wouldn’t have matter if I did wait until today. My wife was a little disappointed and didn’t really like my Plan B and as I listened to her words it became clear to me I needed another plan. I do have some control over this part of the plan so I spent a good part of the evening searching for houses to rent in our area. I was shocked by all of the listings and the price ranges were very reasonable. The housing market debacle apparently has lead to many rentals and the prices are all over the place. The price per square foot is much less then I imagined and I certainly know everything will be great.

I called another dear friend today seeking some assistance and I was assured “not to worry” and “anything for you”. This friend knows someone who is in the housing rental business and finding something “should not be a problem”. The timing of all this is not how I planned as I wanted to have everything moved in prior to my wife and children’s return. With my departure up in the air and hopefully I will know next week whether or not I will be able to go; the timing actually may work out for the very best. I know to take things in stride because this is another one of those “small things” in life where it makes no sense to get upset. I’m not sure when it makes sense to get upset but this is certainly not one of those times.

After being on the internet for a few hours researching the houses I had enough and decided it was time for sleep. The temperature here has been very hot with daytime high’s over 105 degrees but unlike when we used to live in Las Vegas the temperature does cool down at night. I remember many summer nights in Las Vegas where the temperature was still 100 degrees at midnight so the cooling trend didn’t happen until October. Here it is plausible to open the windows at night which I had been doing all this week. Last night I forgot to open the window and woke up sweating in the middle of the night but this was quickly rectified by opening the window and letting the cool air in.

I woke up at my usual time and decided to forego the early morning workout. There was something I forgot to do at work and I needed to get to the office so I could get this done. I was in the office early and was able to do what I needed to do before the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting. While I was sitting in my office my cell phone rang and it was a good friend informing me I had “made the papers, again”. My heart may have missed a beat when my friend told me this because for a split second I thought oh boy here we go again and then thought why I would make the papers.

My friend explained that my former employer had some more misdoings and someone was arrested for these nefarious acts. At the end of the article my nefarious acts were mentioned but fortunately my name was not mentioned; I was referred to as the “casino executive who was sentenced to four years in prison for embezzling $500,000 from the casino to fuel an online gambling addiction.” I guess my 15 minutes of infamy haven’t subsided yet but it was good that my actual name was not mentioned as I move forward in recovery. A quick back story to this latest misdeed at my former employer; the person who was arrested (read more here) also has a compulsive gambling addiction and I have this on very good authority. I hope this person seeks recovery because it is so much better to be in recovery then the lies, cheating and stealing which occurred prior to recovery. Recovery and GA continues to save my life.

Yes, it was time for the Saturday morning GA meeting and our attendance continues to grow. We are back at the numbers when I departed some two years ago. The meeting was very good and some very good things were said. One of the items I found very poignant was the discussion of being in recovery and having to deal with a spouse who isn’t in recovery and may feel like they have been left behind. This is one of the paradoxes of the program and yes, I wholeheartedly believe in the program but too much of anything (recovery included) can be detrimental.

I know I have and continue to embrace the program and have had the luxury to be able to attend many meetings. However; GA is a huge part of my life but it isn’t my life. I continue to seek balance and when my family returns next month I will be closer to being in balanced more so then I have been in a long time. Recovery is essential to my survival and GA will be in my life one day at a time for a lifetime. My family is also essential to my survival so I need to balance the two which at times can pose a challenge. I have been blessed with an extraordinary wife who understands my need to attend GA meetings so this has never been an issue; however; I owe it to myself, my wife and the program to balance all the good in my life. Without this balance I am back to where I was over three years ago and I need to always be mindful of this balance. It is one of the more challenging things in the program and not to be taken lightly. I was so happy for the discussion and something I will continue to work on.

A Positive "Swing"

Alright I am still working on the doing something “completely different” aspect in my life. Yesterday wasn’t anything out of the order but I do feel so much better as I process through a bit of the malaise. The only thing “different” done by me yesterday was not working out. I was much too tired in the morning because I went to sleep much too late the night before so my body needed more rest. I planned on working out last night but stayed at the office much later then usual finishing up a few items. I also talked with a good friend and this good friend is also my one and only Gamblers Anonymous “sponsoree”. I do believe we make a good match because we fill each other needs in a wide range of things. My sponsoree has a tendency to go off the deep end where I am much calmer. Hopefully I am helping in anyway I can because that is what sponsorship is all about.

My sponsor continues to assist me all the time even though we don’t even reside in the same state anymore. I think I have a few surrogate sponsors over these past three years and I pick up many things from these dear friends. Most of these dear friends have considerable “time” in GA and it is obvious why they have this considerable time. They seem to understand the program and understand what it takes to recover from a baffling insidious addiction. I am grateful to all of these people and I am grateful to my sponsoree because I continue to learn things from him as well.

It is truly amazing how some people react to certain situations and I am convinced if I lined up 10 different people and posed the same scenario to all 10 of them I would receive 10 different responses. This could be troublesome but I find it fascinating because of those 10 responses none of them would be considered incorrect and the problem could very well be rectified. Diversity does make the world go round and I learn from this diversity on a continuing basis. I know inside my head rests a powerful tool but it is not the only way to learn. I can do many things but when I start to think I can do everything I must check my ego at the door. I know I am not all knowing and all powerful and having dear friends in my life does keep me in check. My life is truly magnificent and I owe it all to recovery.

The long day ended and I headed home for the evening. I wasn’t very hungry as I was still full from the late and very filling lunch with my good friend. I snacked on a few items prior to falling asleep. I was up early this morning and on my way to the gym since I didn’t workout yesterday. I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed this morning but convinced myself to get my feet moving. Once I got my feet moving I was up for the day and off to the gym. I decided to change my running this morning and instead of going for an hour run I thought I would be suited for a high intensity much shorter run. I had read something in one of the Running Journals that high intensity short runs actually help more then longer runs with lesser intensity so I decided to try it out today. I certainly ran much less time wise then usual but I completed over 3 miles in only 20 minutes which is moving quite fast for me. This seemed to work very well and I will incorporate this in my workout at least once a week.

The workout was over and I headed to the office but not really to work since it was Friday. Since it was Friday this meant a golf day in spite of the temperature reaching 110 degrees!! Yes, you read that correctly the temperature was actually over 110 degrees today but it really is a “dry” heat (again so is an oven!!) and much less oppressive then a 90 degree temperature with a 100% humidity reading on the East Coast. I will take the 110 degrees any day over the humid days back East. Today my boss and I golfed together for the first time in awhile and we practiced fiscal responsibility which was very nice for a change.

We played one of the nicer courses in the area and because of the heat the green fees were well reduced otherwise we wouldn’t have played there. I really don’t mind the heat and being in fairly good shape does help. My boss was having a hard time dealing with the heat by the 12th hole and slowly started to fade. We are very comparable golfers and we were so comparable we shot the same score through the first 9 holes. However; as my boss faded so did his score. I remained somewhat consistent only have one bad hole the entire round whereas my boss had a few bad holes. I ended up shooting much better then my boss only because the heat seemed to get to him.

In spite of the heat it was a wonderful day on the links. My game is now at a point where I am much more consistent then one I first came back to the game a few months ago. I have a great deal of room for improvement but I am not about to dedicate the time needed to get to the next level. I am very happy being a “bogey golfer” which means I shoot in the high 80’s to low 90’s. It took me a long time to finally break 90 and I have yet to break 80 and really don’t expect to do so anytime soon. It would be great if I did but I am very content with my game at this point.

I have no aspirations of being on the professional tour and all I care about is having a good time. I did have a “weak” moment where I threw my golf club in disgust as I just “hacked” a shot for a very good position. I quickly checked myself and hit a much better shot from the same position on the very next hole. Yes, I had a wonderful day and my “down” mood has progressed into a very “up” mood, oh the swings of life and fortunately most of my “swings” are on the positive side.

"Completely Different?"

I seemed to have always been a proponent for the theory of “the path of least resistance”. When I entered college oh so many years ago my intention was to become an attorney; however within my first semester I quickly realized this did not prescribe to my theory and set out to find a major that fit my criteria. It didn’t take long as I took an accounting class and averaged an A+ an all the exams. I thought that wasn’t so bad so I enrolled in the second accounting class and again averaged an A+ on all the exams. It seemed I had knack for accounting even though I wanted to stay away from it because my older sister was majoring in accounting as well.

My sisters have always been good students and I was the underachiever. I guess it was my lack of effort that hindered me because I seemed to always manage to get by. However; excelling in the accounting classes gave me renewed hope to follow my path of least resistance. If I had to exert effort I was in trouble which is why I had difficulty in college. I searched for the “easy” classes and I thought accounting was in this category.

This was quickly dispelled as I advanced to the upper level of the accounting classes. I had to take the most difficult class “Intermediate Accounting I” twice because I barely passed the first time. It was clear why I barely passed; I barely exerted any effort. Some how I remained on this track and when I completed my college work I had enough accounting classes to sit for the Certified Accountant Examination. I did sit for it but yet again I put no effort into my studies and failed all four parts. Instead of applying myself I never sat for the examination again. I did pass the Certified Internal Auditor exam a few years later and to this day I think they made a mistake in grading the exam because I still don’t know how I passed!!!

There is a point in all of this I just don’t know how to get there!!! I will try for a point somewhere along the way. What I am trying to get at is I have always taken the easy road all through my life and when I do look back all of this has worked out for the best. This may have not been the right way to approach matters but it was the way I was programmed. Now seemingly going through a “tough” road with prison and being separated from my family for the past two years I would have a different outlook. I’ m not so sure if my outlook has indeed changed that much. I was extremely fortunate to be offered a job even when I was still in prison and I started this job a few days after my release. I am eternally grateful for this opportunity but I think it does fall into my theory of the path of least resistance.

The job was a natural for me as my boss needed someone and I needed a job any job for that matter. I am doing things I have done most of my career and I have had several people tell me in the past few months that they see me doing something very different. On some levels I agree with them very much but on another level taking that leap would be very difficult for me at this point. However; even as I write this there isn’t anything I would do that would be difficult it is my mind making it difficult and I do think I have put myself in a bit of a funk as I wait for my family to return.

I know my family will be with me very soon but at the moment many of the plans I have made aren’t exactly coming to fruition. I have yet to receive permission for my trip to New Jersey and our housing situation seems to be mired in stagnation. I do believe that everything will work out for the best but even with that stated and a having a positive attitude (at least most of the time!) I do find myself just going through the motions. This is what I wanted to refrain from ever since being released from prison. Today I was reminded by a dear friend to do something “completely different” that would make most people laugh. This is a great reminder because life passes by so quickly and so often it is get up, go to work, come home and do the same thing the very next day.

This is exactly what is happening to me I am losing focus of all the positives and this is just wrong. I don’t know what something “completely different” would but I am willing to give it a try. Something different for me is working out after work as opposed to before work and that is just lame!!! I mired myself in a rut when I seemingly had everything which led to my downfall. I will continue to do what is right in my recovery and live life one moment at a time enjoying those moments to the best of my ability. Right now the best of my ability needs to progress and just like most things it is a process. In this process I am eternally grateful for everything in my life.

I don’t know if this qualifies as doing something completely different but this afternoon I had a late lunch with a very good friend. It was a very nice time and coupled with my regular Wednesday evening “dining experience” it appears I will never starve in everyway possible. I had a great time last night and I need to get off my “duff” and make the proper changes. I trust in the process and this is all part of the plan. Whatever happens in regards to my trip is for the very best and even though I so badly want to have a summer vacation with my family driving across country everything will be wonderful no matter the outcome. Finally God willing next summer I will be able to go wherever I want without permission and maybe the gas prices will be under $8 a gallon by then!!!!

Accidents Happen

In the category of “you never know what the day will bring” comes a telephone call from my wife yesterday evening informing me she had just been in a car accident. As most of you are aware my wife is 3,000 miles away in New Jersey will I am in California. Thankfully no one (other then the mini-van) was hurt as our children were in the car at the time of the accident. My wife was driving on one of the congested New Jersey roadways and the person behind her wasn’t paying attention and slammed into my wife’s rear bumper. I remember many years ago when I first got my driver’s license that it was automatically the person’s fault driving the car that hit the other person from behind and I do remember citations being given out to that driver. Times apparently have changed as the person who crashed into my wife did not receive a citation but was clearly identified at fault.

I could tell from my wife’s voice she was shaken and fortunately it was only her nerves that were shaken along with the nerves of my daughter and son. The biggest tragedy came when the milkshakes my children were drinking at the time of the accident spilled on their pants and the floor of the mini-van! Other than that and a crushed rear bumper the damage appeared to be minimal. Since New Jersey has one of the highest automobile insurance rates in the country the driver of the other vehicle was very hesitant to go through insurance. He assured my wife he would pay for the damage himself and didn’t want the insurance companies involved.

My wife was very confused and really didn’t have a clear picture of what to do so she called me first but when I didn’t answer the first call she telephoned our brother-in-law who gave some very good advice. He advised to contact a police officer and file a police report. My wife did dial 911 and an officer arrived on scene within minutes. The issue became the police report because once the police report was completed the insurance companies would be notified. This is not what the other driver wanted. I did speak with the other driver who seemed to be very truthful and sincere in his willingness to pay for the damage himself. New Jersey does have a provision in their law that in an automobile accident a police report can be filled out up to 10 days after the date of the accident. This gave my wife a window of opportunity and having the officer on scene gave a very reliable witness. After speaking with the person I suggested to my wife to give him the benefit of the doubt and not to complete the police report last night thus keeping the insurance companies out of the mix. The person seemed very grateful and assured my wife he would “make good” on the damage.

The agreement had my wife getting an estimate from an auto body shop and submitting this estimate to the person at fault in the accident. If the estimate was higher then expected or the person who stated they would pay started having second thoughts then a police report would be filed and the insurance companies would be contacted. This seemed very reasonable to me and my wife assured me she had everyone’s pertinent information and then proceeded to drive home.

A few minutes later after hanging up with my wife my cell phone rang and it was my daughter who wanted to talk to me because she was a “little nervous”. My daughter is so cute and first off she assured me she wasn’t hurt other then having her milkshake spill on her pants. She was indeed nervous and wanted some reassuring from me. I did the best I could from this distance and hopefully it helped. This was the very first accident my children had experienced so they were a little in shock. I certainly wanted to be right there with them giving them a big hug telling them everything would be alright but I had to forgo the hug and reassure them with words. These are moments I so want to be with my family and I know our time is rapidly approaching. This is just another one of those “you never know” days and I was very grateful everyone was fine.

I did do my best to reassure my daughter and I even made her laugh so hopefully she went to sleep feeling better. My daughter is a bit of a worry wart and tends to blow things out of proportion but in the end she always turns out great. My son is actually more sensitive then my daughter and some times the focus goes to my daughter when the focus needs to be on my son. I did speak with him and he being only 7 years old makes it difficult for me to have a long distance conversation. I did my best and I know my wife was certainly there for him. The key component of all of this was the fact that mini-van got damaged but no one was injured. The mini-van will be fixed and it will be just like there wasn’t an accident.

Later on yesterday evening my wife did call me and she was second guessing herself for not getting a police report. I have such a new perspective in recovery and since being released from prison. I like to play the “worse case scenario” which I presented to my wife. The worse case scenario had the person who hit my wife flake out and not pay which only meant that the insurance companies would handle the damages. In the big picture of life this is an example of one of the many “little things” and there really is no need to “sweat” those little things. One way or another the mini-van will be fixed and whether the insurance pays less a deductible or the person involved in the accident pays it will all work out in the end.

Today my wife did get an estimate and even though the damage was minimal the price was still high. When I heard the damage described I immediately thought of a figure and wouldn’t you know it the estimate was right around that figure. My wife called the person involved in the accident and faxed over the estimate to him. Hopefully if all goes well the mini-van will be fixed by next week.

My wife has been through a great deal in these past two years all do to my misdeeds. She certainly does not deserve any of what I have put her through but she has done an amazing job. This is yet another thing she didn’t need but sometimes life works this way. I am so grateful for my wife and all that she continues to do. She is a wonderful, wife, mother and person. I love her so very much!

"A LOT"

Yes, another 24 hours has passed and here I am again staring at a blank page. Thank goodness for the Gamblers Anonymous Program this continues to restore sanity to my once completely insane life. It has been over three years since my last wager and more importantly is has been over three years that I have been associated with the Gamblers Anonymous Program.

Yesterday evening was the Monday evening Topic meeting and we are in the process of selecting new Secretaries for the meetings so this meant a newer member got to Chair the meeting. This is an integral part in the development of anyone associated with GA. I know from past experience being involved with the Program help accelerate my recovery. We have members that are committed to going to one meeting per week and this works very well for them.

My recovery has progressed a little differently and at one point I was attending five sometimes six meetings per week. I was basically “banking” these meetings prior to my sentence because I didn’t know whether I would have access to GA meetings while incarcerated. Thanks to my incredible friends the program was bought to me when I reached fire camp; however; I had been “away” 10 months at the time with no access to GA meetings. Thankfully I have so many dear friends in the program that my “meetings” prior to arriving at fire camp came in the way of letters with these dear friends. I even managed to “work the steps” with my sponsor via the mail during this period.

Now that I have been released I am once again building my GA meeting reserves attending 4 meetings per week without much exception. This is a wonderful consistency in my life and I am eternally grateful to the program. I can see my attendance dwindling when my family returns next month because I have a great deal of catching up to do and yes, recovery is a priority in my life and so it is my family. There needs to be a balance in my life between the two because without these in my life I am nothing.

This continual separation from my family has worked out for the very best and now I am so ready for their return. My daughter said to me today, “Daddy I miss you, A LOT,” which pulled at my heart strings. My daughter has told me she has misses me just about every time I have spoken to her on the telephone but today the emphasis on “A LOT” was clearly evident. I miss her “A LOT” as well and I told her this today. I also reiterated that it won’t be long before we are all back together. She continues to ask me if I have received permission to come to New Jersey and each time I have to explain I am still waiting for this permission. My 10 year old daughter does understand the situation at hand but really doesn’t understand why her Dad can’t just come out and be we with her. This is so difficult and I know it is only temporary but I still have feelings and I got tears in my eyes when my daughter said, “A LOT”.

This whole predicament will pass soon enough and we will all be under one roof, and there won’t be any need for me to ask permission if I can see my children since they will be here. It is the waiting and the anticipation along with the fact that the decision rests completely outside of my scope of control. I have accepted this and continue to accept this but I won’t down play it, this is very difficult. I have waited two years to be back with my family and it can’t come soon enough. I doubt that the “powers that be” understand the magnitude of their decision on whether or not I get to go to New Jersey and drive back with my family. I am just another file in a sea of files and the permission is just another piece of paperwork. I don’t know how I would react if the roles were reversed but knowing what I know I hope to God I would show some compassion and empathy.

I turned off my emotions when I was compulsively gambling and was very unfeeling for a number of years. I thought I could pick and choose when my emotions would turn back on but the longer I gambled the less feeling I became. This is no way to live and fortunately I don’t ever have to live this way again. It is wonderful having true emotions and living with honesty, open-mindedness and willingness to do the right thing. I made an egregious mistake when I started my deviate behavior and I continue to suffer the consequences, rightfully so.

This is a society that punishes people for deviant behavior and I do accept my role. I know at some point as long as I embrace recovery each and everyday the consequences to my deviant actions will diminish and ultimately subside. However; I can never forget how I felt all through this process. I will not dwell in this situation because that is counter-productive to recovery but a healthy remembrance does work wonders.

My day was a typical day other then the fact I just didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. My legs were feeling tired and it wasn’t just my legs but my whole body. I woke up at my usual time and figured I needed more rest. I somehow convinced myself to get out of bed and go to the gym. This is how my “screwy” mind works; I knew I would be eating the other half of my pizza for lunch today (this was leftover from yesterday when I went to watch the U.S. Open) and with this in mind I couldn’t just lay in bed. I had to get up and go work out. I think I may have a problem???? Yes, I probably do have some sort of eating, exercise or who knows what disorder but that was my motivation this morning. Yes, my mind is “screwy”!!!

Even though I was tired and going through the motions I did mange to get in a very good workout routine. I do find the hardest part of the day is getting out of bed and once that is out of the way it is truly all downhill. I could wallow in self-pity but again what good does that do. I want and need to make the best of each day and starting off the day exercising works great for me. After the workout it was on to the office for another fun-filled day, okay maybe just another day!!! I did enjoy the pizza for lunch and I utilized the “prison” method of storing food; no refrigeration!!! I left the box on my desk yesterday and ate the pizza today. I do believe refrigeration is a bit overrated!!!

Meanderings of a Magnificent Monday

With the Sunday evening GA meeting complete I stayed in the office for a little while mostly completing some paperwork and formulating my plan for this morning. I decided I had enough of the paperwork I needed and could certainly finish what I needed as long as I arrived in the office early. After this I departed for home and slowly my energy level was coming back from the dip caused by the massage. I arrived home to find my good friend watching what we normally watch on Saturday evening.

This was a marathon session of “Deal or No Deal” and I decided to join him for the brainless exercise. It is very good (at least in my opinion) to have some “brainless” time and this is what I had last night watching “Deal or No Deal”. The program is fascinating and I have to give it to the producers because each time I watch it is interesting. Unlike other game shows these producers seem to reinvent themselves each program. On Saturday evening it was a “Spring Break” theme and last night the prizes were increased. I don’t know how long this program has been on the air but it seems that it will last for awhile as they reinvent themselves often.

This was a good way to end my last Father’s Day without my family and I was very happy to see the day come to a close. I can check off another one of “those days” as the time I have spent a part from my family. Conceivably I can be with them on the 4th of July this year and God willing everyday forward. I am so looking forward to reuniting with my family and it won’t be much longer. I am grateful for the opportunity I have been given and in recovery I will continue to make the best of everyday. I do feel that something is missing in my life and that is quite evident with my family 3,000 miles away. I maintain a good attitude and know everything continues to work out for the best. We will be together very soon and it will be wonderful.

I went to sleep knowing I wouldn’t workout this morning. I have decided to keep Monday as a day of rest especially after a hard run and the massage. My body needed the day to recuperate and I need to keep a closer watch on how my body feels. I really thought I was feeling very good since the marathon two weeks ago but during the massage a few aches and pains were felt that I didn’t even know existed. I do believe the mind is a powerful tool and I need to be more in tune with my body listening for the cues so I don’t overwork it. The day off felt very good and even though I took the day off from exercising I was in the office early as I had planned.

I wanted to get some schedules done in preparation for the meeting and I also wanted to have everything completed prior to the start of the 18 hole playoff between Tiger Woods and Rocco Mediate. I was happy to see the broadcast would be carried on the internet just like on Friday. I had everything completed as the playoff commenced. However; I guess the website was a bit overwhelmed because the connection kept freezing and going in and out. It became frustrating after a few minutes especially when the video was well behind the audio. I did some actual work and fortunately the timing of the golf match coincided with lunch time. I decided to take lunch at an establishment which was broadcasting the golf match. As it turns out I took an extended lunch as the match went much longer then expected.

I was pleased to see Tiger win but I have to admit I was rooting for Rocco Mediate the self proclaimed “old guy” even though he is only 45 years old. This man has a great attitude and he did have an opportunity to win the playoff but his driver let him down. I don’t expect any ill effects on losing the playoff because Mr. Mediate’s attitude is so good and I am sure he would have wanted to win but he even surprised himself. I don’t usually go out for lunch especially to a restaurant and I was shocked to see how crowded it was and it had everything to do with the golf match.

I could barely find a seat in the bar area and my line of sight to the big screen television wasn’t the best but I did enjoy myself. I had no idea so many people followed golf and my suspicion is it had all to do with Tiger Woods. Tiger transcends golf and I am sure the majority of the patrons at the restaurant could barely name three other professional golfers but they all knew Tiger. The restaurant was boisterous during the match and I thought this was wonderful. Yes, Tiger did prevail and he is most likely the best to have ever played the game and his best years (as long as his knee holds up) are yet to come. He is in the “scary” good category and can do things no mortal can do with a golf club and he never seems to crack under pressure. It was very cool experiencing these moments over the weekend.

I returned back to work and the buzz was all about the golf match. I don’t know how productive the rest of the business world was today because I spoke with two very good friends who spent most of the morning watching the golf match as well even though they (like me) were supposed to be working. I thought more about the golf match and the fact that it was only 60 miles down the road. I have played the same golf course (Torrey Pines) a few years ago knowing the U.S. Open would be played in 2008. Yes, 2008 came very quickly and things certainly have changed for me in those few years but all of those changes are for the better. Life goes by so quickly and thankfully now I know to cherish each moment because I have no idea what the day will bring. Today as usual brought a great day and I am eternally grateful.

A quick program note; there is a documentary that has aired on the E Network regarding “The Winners and Losers in Las Vegas” (that is the title) and it is supposed to highlight the good and bad of gambling. It will air again tomorrow June 17th at 4:00 pm Eastern Time and this may translate to 1:00 pm Pacific Time but to be sure please check the local listings. I am hoping my good friends can record this so I can watch it at a later point. The full name of the program is “THS Investigates---The Winners and Losers of Vegas”. Hopefully I will get the opportunity to see it this week.