Entitlement

Today was family day at my Gamblers Anonymous meeting. The fellowship (GA) was celebrating two one year birthdays and it is a time of celebration and a time of reflection. The two members couldn't be any different yet they share the same story; gambling took over their lives just like it did mine. I asked my family if they would like to go because it is a time when the celebrants bring their families and everyone is welcome. In addition, my wife knows the wife of the gentleman celebrating his one year birthday and he also has little children. It was a good meeting and even my son behaved.

My daughter was very confused as to how a grown man and woman could be turning one year old! I explained to the best of my ability how they got to be one year old and I think Lauren (my daughter) understood. She also asked a whole host of other questions like what is gambling and what does it mean when they say I have not placed a bet in 3 years 4 months and 16 days? Again, I tried to explain to the best of my ability and she seemed to understand or she was just bored and wanted me to stop talking!! All in all it was a very good morning. Despite what some people think about Gamblers Anonymous I really like these people and they are truly genuine.

I wanted to touch on what I shared at the meeting this morning. I was speaking about entitlement (no I won't break out the dictionary again I will go with what I think it is!!). I THOUGHT because I was a good husband, father, son, friend, worker, co-worker, etc,. That I was ENTITLED to do the things I did. What a sick thought. I was not entitled to anything especially my SECRET LIFE. I also thought because I was a good person it would get me out of what I had done, another sick thought. I did bad things and bad things have happened to me.

Why did I develop this thought of entitlement? I am still working on this question but I do know I am NOT entitled to anything. I have to be the good person I really can be and NOT expect anything in return. I always thought I was a humble person with a sense of humility. Well, doing what I did is not a sign of a humble person it is a sign of a selfish person. I have been humbled and humiliated by my actions. Which brings up another subject of actions speak louder than words. I have some very bad actions to overcome and words will not overcome those actions. Only positive and selfless actions can lead me down the proper road of recovery. I am not only recovering compulsive gambler I am recovering the TRUE me little by little.