Painful

Yes, today was a court session and I don't know where to start. I am not sure I can say all of the things I want to say but one word sums up today's proceedings PAINFUL. It is not the type of pain one would associate with being in court it was the type of pain when you see a train wreck about to happen and it is happening in slow motion. I am not going into details because it may come back to haunt me but I will say this; if you study hard enough anyone can pass the Bar Exam to become an attorney. We had what I thought and what my attorney thought some fairly straight forward motions; however; nothing is as it seems. What I think is common sense doesn't seem to be common sense. What I think is a positive solution for both parties doesn't seem to turn out this way.

I thought the end result is to make the victim whole, meaning, getting the person (in this case company) it's money back. I am trying to do this but I am being met with roadblocks at every step and I am not sure why. Isn't it in the victims best interest to get their money back? This seems like a basic and very straight forward question then why is it so very hard? The term obstructionist was brought up on several occasions today. No, I am not breaking out the dictionary but I will say obstruction is to block so an obstructionist is a person that blocks things. Apparently an obstructionist can block themselves so nothing ever gets done.

The real punishment is going through the court proceedings, I think prison will be a welcome relief because the not knowing, the delays, and the incompetence will all be over. I thought confessing to what I did was the best course of action and yes, it was otherwise I will still be living in a world of denial. However; viewing the utter insanity in the courtroom it makes me second guess my choice of confessing because without my confession I would hate to see what would have happened in a trial. Yes, I had to finally surrender to the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and the only way to do this is to tell the truth.

I am posed with a moral dilemma. It has to deal with a "friend". Regardless of my actions I am a very nice person and would not deliberately hurt anyone. I am wrestling with this dilemma because it may benefit me and my family to the detriment of a so called "friend". I need to go back (I hate when I do this but I must!) to my past for a few sentences. When I was doing what I was doing I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop. It was as if a someone had taken over my brain. I would not and could not take advantage of a person but an entity was another story because an entity is not living and breathing or so I rationalized. Yes, of course it was wrong but to do this to a "real" person even in the throws of my gambling it would have been difficult so now I am faced with something that I feel is morally wrong but will benefit me and my family. Without saying what it is and yes, it has to deal with money and possibly helping my case. I am all for mitigating as many factors as possible and in my case this again means money. The more money the better but what price do I pay. I know if the roles were reversed this person would go with the money over me but that is really not relevant. It is what is best for me personally and morally.

Sorry for the ramble tonight and I will keep everyone posted.