Something

Something finally happened at court!!! It has taken 3 1/2 months but our motion was agreed upon. This motion really does not have anything to do with my actual case, it was only a financial matter. I can't wait (facetiously!) until we start delving into the actual case matter this should take a few years (I hope not). We still have some more financial matters to attend to before we get to the facts in the case so patience is a virtue at this point. Actually, patience is not only a virtue it is a necessity!!! How many times can I say the Serenity Prayer in one day; as many as needed.

I was speaking with my brother-in-law who is visiting with my wife's sister and their beautiful baby girl earlier this evening and he reminded me of a few things that I want to speak about. Unfortunately for me I had to experience what I am currently experiencing to finally come to the understanding of how bad my gambling behavior was. The only way for me to completely stop gambling was to self destruct. I have said this before and it bears repeating I sabotaged myself. I had ample opportunities to walk away from the gambling and the other bad behaviors but I chose to ignore those opportunities. I got so caught up in what I was doing that it turned into a career death spiral. When I was confronted about my bad behavior I had no more excuses no more stories to tell, I just said I AM A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER.

This is so hard to understand even I had a hard time with this, oh why didn't I just walk away? The simple reason was I couldn't. I had to be caught to exorcise this demon inside me. The demon may have been exorcised but there are parts of it that will be with me the rest of my life. I would like to say something significant to anyone who may or think they have an addiction of any kind but I would be remiss. The denial is so strong that I didn't even listen to myself so how could I listen to anyone else. Would an intervention help? Perhaps but if I was not ready to willingly admit I needed help I would have repeated the same behavior and it would have been WORSE. The question comes up how do you help someone with a potential gambling problem before they end up in prison or insane or dead? I certainly do not know the answer to this question and I would venture to guess many other much better qualified people do not know.

Would telling my story help someone before they get to where I got? Again, perhaps but whoever that one person is they have to admit to themselves they have a problem or it will never work. I have a problem and will have this problem for life. I would like to throw this problem in a padded cell and throw away the key this is why I want to go to GA meetings and this is why I want to maintain this blog and this is why I want to communicate with others that have the same problem. All constant reminders of what my gambling did to me and my family. Yes, I will have other reminders of what my gambling did but I want to do positive things to really make my recovery work.