Four Months

It has been four months since my last bet and like I have said all the other times it is just a number and I must continue to grow as a person to really live this recovery. Life has dramatically changed in these past four months and I have experienced many things. Some of those things have been horrible and some of those things have been very good. I am so thankful to have my family and some magnificent friends because without those folks who knows where I would have been.

I want to thank everyone for their concern over last night's posting. I didn't mean to alarm anyone and I really appreciate all of your thoughts. We do go back to court on Thursday and hopefully it won't be as painful, as always I will keep everyone updated.

Also; I was informed tonight that some people think I am putting on "act" with my compulsive gambling story so I can lessen what I did or actually these folks think I am going to get away with what I did because of my compulsive gambling. I don't need to defend myself because I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and my actions were driven by my desire to make the next wager. If I am really putting on an "act" I must be really dedicated because I go to three sometimes four Gamblers Anonymous meetings a week. I have completed the training for the California Council Problem Gambling Counselor certificate. I have done a very public interview with the Los Angeles Times and Court TV. I have records of thousands of dollars lost at an offshore sportsbook but yet I am still putting on an "act".??? I didn't realize I had that much energy!!! I guess I did need to defend myself!!!

I think those of you who really know me realize what type of person I am which is kind, generous, understanding and a person who really listens. I would do anything for anyone and I have shown this in the past and will continue to do so each day. Maybe this is why it is so hard for some people to acknowledge that I have compulsive gambling disorder. Well it is true and I let my addiction rule me. Now it is my turn to NOT let the addiction define me as a person.

I think it is so very hard for "normal" people to realize what an addiction can do to a person. "Normal" people live normal lives and some normal people have addictions. Addictions can take over your life if you are not careful. I let my addiction take over my life. There were a series of events that lead to my downfall and these events have taken place over the past 20 years. Each time I had an incident caused by my gambling it got worse. I put myself in a position where there was no way out. The addiction led to self-destructive behavior. I was faced with a choice of either getting help or dying. I chose to get help because I have so much to live for namely, Monica, Lauren and Jonathan. Whatever is going to happen I know I have finally made the right choice because life is worth living. Also; life is worth living exceptionally and this is what I strive for every day.