Well, I finally got my own writing equipment. I was holding off for as long as I could because I didn’t know how long I would be here and when I get transferred I couldn’t take anything with me. I was told I could be here anywhere from 3 days to 2 weeks which was conveyed to me by my attorney’s office. When I heard that from his office, I certainly knew that would not be the case.
My attorney and his office staff have told me things in the past and just about all of them have not come to fruition. Let me recap from the beginning~
My attorney told me I would surrender at the police station - I was arrested at home.
My attorney told me I would serve no more than six months - I am currently serving a four year sentence.
A few other faux pas by my attorney~
There was no doubt that I would be sentenced on April 21st - I was sentenced on July 12th.
Early on in the case my attorney assured me my bail would be reduced - it was not.
As you can see, I have very little faith in anything my attorney tells me.
The latest tale is that I will get into a fire camp and serve 35% instead of 50% of my sentence.
I really shouldn’t pick on him because it appears he did the best he could. I guess~
I did confess my guilt at the very beginning that usually hampers any defense strategy. All things being considered, my initial time served exposure was 21 years so my 4-year deal is a large departure from that. But I do kind of find it strange that anything my attorney tells me turns out to be not true.
So much for my reflecting! Yes, I am still here and have no idea when I will get to the next stop. Living “one day at a time” has taken on a whole new meaning! I have been told that there maybe an additional stop in my process. I was told I maybe shipped from here to another county facility where I would stay four or five days then be shipped to the state prison processing facility where I can stay up to 90 days. After that I will be shipped to my final destination where I will serve the remainder of my time. The system appears to be less than efficient and it would have been much better if I could have skipped all of these intermittent stops and gone right to the final destination, but that is not the case. I am at the mercy of the state and when they have room I suppose I will be transferred accordingly.
It may sound as if I am ranting – that is because I am. I know my life is no longer mine but I need an outlet to get out my frustrations and writing provides me this outlet. I have missed my daily blog postings because it really was therapeutic and an integral part of my recovery process. Over the past 2 ½ weeks, I lost another integral part of my recovery process in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Due to the incarceration, I am unable to attend GA meetings and at the facility I am located at, there are no 12 step programs available. I have been assured that at my final destination, there will be at the least an AA meeting. To me, recovery is recovery, no matter the addiction and the 12 step program is universal.
Even though I can no longer attend meetings, I still have some fabulous friends in the GA program. Some of these incredible dear friends have visited me and written me as well. I also know other great friends have contacted my wife and mother with their thoughts and prayers. I have received nothing but support from everyone and so much positive energy. I know I am in a terrible place, but I also know all the genuine concern, thoughts, and prayers from everyone gets me through each day. And, I thank you all for that.
Due to my inability to procure writing utensils from the beginning of my incarceration, I will give a two-week review of my stay here at Southwest Riverside County Detention Center in Murrieta, Ca. Each day is essentially the same and I concentrate getting through mealtimes which is half the day – so I will hit on the highlights or “lowlights”
Depending on your point of view.
I will start out with my cellmate or “cellie” as referred to around here. There is a whole new vernacular I have learned in my 2-½ week stay and maybe sometime in the future, I will develop a glossary. Back to my cellmate~ as I stated earlier, he really is a good guy, who like myself, made some very poor choices due to his addiction. He has been more than cordial to me and has lent me some paper so I could make some earlier posts. I felt badly because I used his entire tablet – about 40 sheets of paper – while writing those earlier posts. I didn’t want to take any more of his paper because it wasn’t fair and he writes many letters to members of his family.
He too is waiting for the transfer to state prison but he has one more court appearance in early August before he can be moved. We talk a good deal because 7:30 am there is nothing else to do if we are confined to the cell because the lights are still broken. Most nights we are let out for an hour where we can make telephone calls, watch tv, play checkers or chess, or talk with other inmates. After this time that is about 10 or 11 pm, we are confined to our cells. Roll call is sometimes not until midnight so it doesn’t pay to fall asleep because the guards just wake us up anyway. So we spend most of this time talking.
Early on, I discovered my “cellie” had a bad childhood as many of these other inmates have had. I suggested the book Bad Childhood, Good Life , by Doctor Laura Cyes – the same doctor who is heard coast to coast on the radio. No, I have not read this book, but I believe it should be required reading for everyone in this facility.
I have never been a big Doctor Laura fan, but I have one dear friend in the GA program who swears by Dr. Laura. As our whole family made our way back East in June, my wife and I listened to her show and although Dr. Laura can be a little too direct, her advice appears to be right on the money. I hope my cellmate read this book because it may help him in the long run. He is a good guy and I know he will get his act together and have a good life.
I have talked to a few other inmates in the short period of time we have been out in the common area. Some inmates have found Jesus which I think is wonderful because when they start to get a little over zealous about their beliefs, I gracefully back away. If someone asks me if I believe in Jesus, I always say “yes”, but if they start quoting sections of the bible, I politely tell them I am working on it or my belief in Jesus is a work in progress.
I do believe in a “Higher Power”, but as I have written before, my higher power doesn’t have a specific name. Early on I chose to call it God for lack of a better term, but lately I believe it is a spirit that lies inside and outside of my being. Yes, this is certainly a work in progress, but I do know there is a supreme spirit out there who is watching over my family and myself each and everyday.
I am not one for people telling what I should believe in and I am always leery of anyone imposing their will on me. This is why I try not to impose my will on anyone especially when it comes to my recovery. If we are having a discussion and someone asks my opinion regarding my recovery, I try to share my limited experience with them and hope it helps. I have had a few of these discussions here and maybe it helped someone, but it always helps me when I talk about recovery.
As I have talked to a few inmates, I have come to the conclusion that my cellmate and I are the only two who have admitted to committing a crime. Most everyone has a, “Yeah, but…” attitude and I feel I am not getting the entire story. I spoke with someone who is facing a life sentence for a premeditated murder and all he can say is, “I am trying to get the pre-meditated part dropped and I would be okay because that would be a 9 year sentence.” I said, “Okay” and excused myself.
There was another person who seemed to be a really nice kid in his early twenties who I spoke to at length. He heard about my case and asked a few questions which I answered. He spoke about setting up a business. I told him a few things and he told me his concept which sounded okay but had many flaws. After that, I asked him about his case and he mentioned something about having the charges dropped which I couldn’t really follow too well. So I finally asked him what kind of time he was looking at and he said, “Life because it is a kidnapping charge.” I don’t know the exact charges and I don’t want to know, but this seemingly nice kid really confused me when he said kidnapping. Something didn’t add up, but I wasn’t going to press the issue any further.
At another time, a fellow inmate came up to me and asked me my last name which I told him. He said he thought that was me and wanted to ask me a question regarding my sentence. He told me he read the article in the California newspaper and it inspired him to write a letter to his Narcotics Anonymous Group. He showed me the letter and he wanted fellow members to speak on his behalf at his sentencing hearing. He thought my sentence was reduced from 8 years to 4 years because of all the positive influence from the GA members. I had to tell him that the 4 year deal was worked out back in January of this year and the judge did not deviate from this deal even though I had so much positive influence from the GA fellowship and program. The judge made up his mind back in January that I was going to be sentenced to four years, no matter what. I told him that it was great he was involved with NA, but I went on to tell him that my recovery is for a lifetime. Even though the judge did not give me any special credit for my recovery, I know all of the positive influence will help me each and everyday as I work my recovery. I think I disappointed him with my news, but by the same token, I think I got my point across as well.
Then there was an older gentleman or at least I thought he was older. This man is facing a life sentence because he did not inform the state that he was relocating to another state. This is considered a third strike under California’s three strike law which means he will be in prison for the remainder of his life. I asked him how old he was and I was shocked when he told me he was 46 years old. This poor man had thinning white hair, with a white beard, and a little overweight. When I saw him I thought he was in his mid to late 60’s. Nope, he is only five years older than me. He has been here eight months fighting his case, but unfortunately it appears to be a losing battle. By his own admonition, he failed to tell the state of California that he was moving out. He did commit the crime but to be sentenced to life in prison seems a little harsh, to say the least. I thought punishment had to fit the crime?
Yes, those are some of the people I spend my days with. There are more, but I really don’t want to know their stories because each one seems sadder than the next. I just want to do my time without any problems and get back to my family as soon as possible. I have been fortunate because there have not been any incidents except for one minor one which I will not comment on now no matter how often my mother asks me. I will save this for a much later date and it isn’t anything to get concerned over.
When we are all together in the corner area I tend to keep to myself, but I try not to be standoffish or aloof. If someone speaks to me, I always answer them. I don’t make direct eye contact with anyone, but by the same token I don’t look away either. I try to be invisible by being visible if that makes any sense? I have been told that I shouldn’t have any problems when I get to state prison and the time will pass quickly enough.
Right now the days go by quickly because I have done a great deal of reading. In fact, I have completed eight novels and tomorrow I will start my ninth. The 8 novels are by 8 different authors – from Tom Clancy to Danielle Steel. Yes, Danielle Steel~ I was shocked to see the book was available and I held out for as long as I could but I was running out of choices so I read it. The book is titled Heartbeat and was not bad at all. In fact it was better than some of the other books I had read.
Here is a list of books I have read so far:
The Descent by John long – strange and not that great
A Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger – not a classic to me
Op-Center Mirror Image by Tom Clancy – very good-best of the eight
Hornet’s Nest by Patricia Cornwell – terrible ending, worst of the eight
The Simple Truth by David Baldacci – very good, I like his writing
The Once and Future Spy by Robert Little – different but very good
Monsignor by Jack Alain Leger – moved quickly, an average read
Heartbeat by Danielle Steel – nice writing style and not at all trashy – a very good book
I could have read more if the lights were working but there are about 11 hours where it is very hard to see in my cell. I don’t know how much longer I will be here but I intend on reading as much as I can. My cellmate is currently reading The Last Juror by John Grisham. I was hoping he would finish it soon because I have not read this one and I am very interested in any of Grisham’s books.
I wanted to share something that maybe a bit graphic and if you don’t want to read it, please skip to the next few paragraphs. When I was here last year for those six days, I couldn’t bring myself to sit on the toilet so I held back for those six days. I knew coming in this time holding was out of the question or I would have ended up in the hospital. The toilet is in front of the cell and is a stainless steel structure with no seat and no lid. I was raised with three women in the house and learned early on to put the seat down. I have carried this with me my entire life. In fact I always close the lid on the toilet seat when I am done and have taught my children to do the same. I relate it to closing a cabinet in the kitchen so no one can see the contents and it always looks better (in my opinion, at least) with the lid down. There maybe something psychological to it, but I will leave that out for now.
So the toilet in the cell has no lid and no seat and there are no partitions ~ talk about no privacy at this very private moment. When I sit down on the stainless steel seat, it is very cold and since I share the cell with someone else, going alone is out of the question. Needless to say, it is a very uncomfortable situation, but nature has called a few times especially with all of the fruit I have eaten. However, the first few times I just couldn’t go. I guess it is a conditional thing and I have to uncondition myself. After a few times of really trying and failing, I finally went which was a huge relief. Now it has been 2 ½ weeks that I have been here and I wait to the last possible minute (just like my five year old son) and just go. No, thinking about it, I just let nature take over and so far it has worked. I told you it was graphic!
A simple thing like going to the bathroom, I have taken for granted my entire life is not so simple when you are in a place like this. But I will adjust and make the best of everything so I can do my time and move forward.
Another quick story happened the other night (Wednesday) during clothing exchange. This is where we exchange our white clothes and towels. I needed to exchange my boxers “chonjes” and as I put my used clothing in the basket, I told them my size is medium and was handed a 3X large pair of boxers! I didn’t recognize the size until I got back to my cell. By that time it was too late to exchange them, so for two days I have been wearing XXX large boxer shorts. I couldn’t go out yesterday in the recreation yard because we had to strip down to our boxers. I couldn’t do this because mine don’t stay up without me holding them. I think my entire family can fit into these boxers! I can’t wait to exchange them tomorrow.
I need to mention my unbelievable friends inside and outside the GA program. All of my friends know that my family lives 3,000 miles away so visiting for them is not an option. My friends have taken it upon themselves to come and visit me. It hasn’t been easy for some of them since my visiting days have changed from when I was first processed. My visiting days have stabilized and remain Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday.
My first visitor on my new visiting days was my wife’s best friend. I know my wife sent her to check up on me because I hadn’t called my wife in a few days due to the inaccessibility to the telephones. My wife’s best friend showed up at the first visiting time which was 8:00 am. I was very happy to see her. We had a great visit and the 50 minutes seemed to fly by. The visit invigorated me and it was just what I needed. Right after this visit, I had another visit at 9:00 am from one of my dear friends in the GA program. This visit was great, as well, and the time flew by.
I am only allowed two visits pr day so by 12:00 am, I hit my quota. I am not sure if anyone else stopped by that day and if they did, I apologize. I didn’t really need anymore visits that day because these two were fantastic! I am blessed by the friends I have and I am forever grateful to everyone for their kindness and generosity.
On Saturday of last week, I had two more visits from my dear friends in the GA program and these visits were wonderful. Everyone has asked me if I needed anything like money, books, or food. I don’t need anything because I have everything I need in their friendship. These incredible friendships I have made over this short period of time carry me through each day along with the love of my family. I am a blessed person.
I understand a few more friends tried to visit me as well but were turned away due to various types of “lockdowns”. During lockdowns, the officers do not let anyone inside of the building and this can last all day long. I thank everyone for trying, and hopefully I will get to see everyone before I am transferred to the next stop.
Along with the visits, I have received letters from family and friends. The mail is delivered around midnight and as I have detailed, our lights are non-existent around this time. However, there is enough light which comes in through the front window and if I stand right up against it, there is enough light to read the letters.
These letters come at the right time because at this time of night everyone is confined to their cells. Some nights, there are very strange sounds which come from neighboring cells. But when I am reading my letters from family or friends, the only thing I hear are the words on the paper. Each time I have received a letter, it makes me more relaxed because there is so much love in my life which gets me through the very dark and lonely night.
I don’t know what I have done to deserve all this love, but I am so very happy to receive it. There are great people in my family and there are great people who I am delighted to call friends. Each and every one of you have touched me in so many ways. I can’t wait for the day when I can give all of you a big hug!
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