Oh, Reality!

Over the past three nights, I have had the pleasure to talk with three of my friends on a one to one basis. (Yes, the “The View Friends” and also known as “The Nerd Herd”) Last night I met with the final member and just like the previous two evenings, the conversation was wonderful. I am convinced everyone who is in prison has a fascinating story and last night was no exception. We talked all evening long and only had to stop because of an emergency bed count. That story is very interesting and I may get to it at a later point. I was enthralled with the conversation and yes; I mostly sat and listened intently. As the conversation progressed, I wondered to myself how much heredity/genes adds to our addictions or is it the true power of intention? I don’t have the answer to that question, but I do believe the focus needs to be on changing thoughts which will change life. Maybe all through the generations certain intentions are passed on unconsciously which leads to the next generation making the same mistakes in judgment. This is a very big part, but breaking out of those destructive thought processes is indeed very possible.

These one on one sessions have been called “couch time” in reference to being on the couch of a psychiatrist. No, I didn’t play the role of the shrink, I just sat and listened. Rarely do I give opinions, but I do add encouragement to everyone I speak to. The friend I was speaking with last night paroles at the end of this month and then the reality of real life kicks in. Prison is not real life reality – it is temporary reality which has a completion date. The outside world is reality and it too has a completion date (or does it?) when our bodies give out. As I progress through “Change Your Thoughts…” I now question the beginning and end of life because all things are everlasting. Our physical being ceases to exist, but our spirits live in infinity. Nonetheless, my prison existence is part of my life which is why I am making the very best of this temporary existence which is preparing me for the free world.

Of the four members of “The View”, three of us have very strong addictions. I believe this is true of many of my fellow inmates as well. The three of us have been sober/gamble free for at least over 2 years and have made a commitment to change our lives. I heard a term last night that I have never heard before – “sobering moment.” My sobering moment came when I entered the conference room of my previous employer and faced my old boss with the destruction I caused. This is the first time in my life, I said, “I am a compulsive gambler and my life is completely out of control.” Unbeknownst to me this was Step 1 in the GA Recovery Program and gratefully I have not looked back. All of us with addictions do have sobering moments but some choose to turn their backs on these moments. The addict has to make positive changes and stay on this road to recovery one day at a time.

During lunchtime today, I telephone my wife and for some reason I have picked Thursday for our weekly telephone call. As soon as my wife answered, I could tell something was going on. As it turns out, she had just returned from her 92 year old grandmother’s funeral. They can be very sobering and my children attended their first wake. My ever sensitive 9 year old daughter did cry and my light heated 6 year old son made everyone laugh when asked if she (my wife’s grandmother) had been cut in half because only her top half was shown as she lay in the casket. This is another part of reality I have missed, but I cannot get down on myself. I would love to be in New Jersey with my wife and children attending the wake and the funeral and comforting them. Fortunately, my wife did get to see her before she passed on. Had life been “normal” my wife wouldn’t have that opportunity.

What really is reality? I’m not sure and I don’t want to oversimplify things but reading these spiritual books had a profound effect on me. In the past, I have put up a resistance through a series of questions. Now I am doing my best to let it flow and get myself out of the way. The human brain is an incredible creation but I know for myself it has gotten me into trouble on several occasions however, all of this is what has been intended for me as it has all come together. Yes, I am missing vital pieces of my family’s life; however, this is only temporary. I do know had I not committed to my “sobering moment” I would have missed an entire piece of my family’s life. I am eternally gratefully for everything in my life. My thoughts and prayers do go out to my wife and the family of her grandmother. The saying “May she rest in peace” seems appropriate; however, I do believe her spiritual energy resonates with all of us.