Rhythm Of The Days

Lately, it seems I am doing more laughing than I have before. A great deal has to do with the fact that I am now in camp and have found a rhythm of the days. In addition, I have a new roommate who is very funny. His humor is mostly pointed at me and my peculiar habits. I must admit I have to laugh because I am a strange person, indeed. My new roommate was saying the other night that my wife must miss me but is probably relishing the fact that she doesn’t have to put up with my strange eating habits. He had me rolling as he went on to say, “Your wife is probably cooking all kinds of meat in the pans you told her never to cook meat in, and she is probably taking your children to McDonald’s every chance she gets.” I never realized it before, but I am high maintenance. I always thought my limited food intake was easy, but as it turns out, it is not. Anyhow, if I can’t laugh at myself, then what can I laugh at.

There seems to be so much emphasis on our pasts and how they affect the present and future. I have listened to many people discuss their childhood and relationships with their parents as reasons for the problems in their lives. I can only speak for myself and say it was me who caused the problems in my life not the relationship I had with my parents or my childhood. The question of why gets thrown around so much, and to me, this is overused and overstated. An entire industry has risen from the question of why in counselors, psychotherapists, psychologists, self-help people, etc. Knowing why does help with the awareness of the problem, but sometimes blame is misplaced very easily. For me, it all goes to personal responsibility and doing something to prevent the problem (in my case, compulsive gambling) from coming back. For all intents and purposes, I had a wonderful childhood. Sure my parents divorced when I was a teenager, but this is not uncommon, and for me to lay blame on this as a cause for my compulsive gambling would be incorrect. I started gambling at an early age (12 years old) and thoroughly enjoyed the feeling. It quickly manifested into a problem, yet I let it lie dormant. Fast forward 20-plus years, and here I sit in prison due to the compulsive gambling. I understand that I can never gamble again or my life is over; however, in the past 2-1/2 years I continue to discover only positive traits which have put me on the proper road to recovery.

Anger, resentment, and jealousy have never been characteristics of mine but a feeling of superiority has been. This feeling of superiority was part and parcel my compulsive gambling problem. I thought I could outsmart the bookies, and subsequently, my former employer along with all those wonderful people in my life. I was only fooling myself, and now I know I am just like everyone else, which is fabulous. Thankfully, I no longer beat myself up for my past mistakes because this is counterproductive to my recovery. The key is to live one day at a time and become a better person through honesty. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are the keys in the GA program. All three of these are in my life each and every day. Now, along with “The Power of Intention”, “The Secret”, and “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” I have a clear mind. Over 2-1/2 years ago, my mind was polluted, and gratefully through recovery, I have detoxified my mind which is now at peace. I am very grateful for this time to get my head clear and know everything is working out exactly as intended.

Last night, I sat with my friends and talked. The talk did center around one person and their particular hot buttons. Mostly, I listened and practiced what I had read in “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” The title of the subsection was “Be an Infinite Observer.” The recommendations for the daily lesson was as follows: Pick a situation today (any situation will work) and instead of verbally responding, be silent and listen to your thoughts. For example, in a social gathering (such as last night) or business meeting, choose the emptiness found in silence in order to be aware of your infinite self. If you find your worldly ego interpreting or judging then just observe that without criticizing or changing it. You’ll begin to find more and more situations where it feels peaceful and joyful to be without response and just to be in the infinity that’s hidden but always present. I did sit there and listened without criticizing or judging and said little. The difficult part is to refrain from judging. I don’t know where it stems from, but judgments seem to arise at most times within me, and this is something I am working on daily. I am no being guided by the Source, which I cannot define or explain, but I do know it exists within everything. The book “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” is all about the Source. I am a mere vessel for the Source and trust in it implicitly. Even though I remained silent most of the evening during the discussion, I did take it all in and kept my opinion to myself. I believe sharing my opinion does have merit as long as I am not judging and not criticizing. My opinion was what I wrote earlier regarding the question of why and how blame is misplaced and bantered about conveniently. I am far from an expert on these things, but for me, it is working very well. I am without a crystal ball, and the future remains a mystery to me, but I do know as long as I continue working my recovery program, the future is going to be wonderful exactly as the present.

Strangely, last night I had a difficult time sleeping. My erratic sleeping patterns usually provide me with six to seven hours of sleep, but last night, I could only sleep in 1-hour increments. During these increments, I had difficulty getting back to sleep, and when I did, I immediately went into a dreamlike state. This dreamlike state only lasted a few minutes, and the dreams appeared as vignettes. I don’t remember these dreams, but my mind seemed to be working overtime. I may have been stimulated by the GA meeting/visit and the visit with my friend’s family. I do believe it had something to do with the new member because I was invigorated by the new member’s present. Listening and sharing with the new member was wonderful, and hopefully, this new member is aware that they helped me tremendously. I did manage some sleep and got up at my usual time. Since it is a Monday, this means a running day; however, I was rebuffed because it was too dark when I wanted to run, just like last Monday. I quickly changed my exercise program to an abdomen session along with burpees. I have learned to be more flexibly with my exercise program because some days (like today) I am denied running around the track. This is fine, and the ab/burpee session was great. Also, I had the entire afternoon to do more exercising, which I did.

The morning was in rhythm as everything went well. Breakfast was uneventful, but I must say my friends and I are always the last ones out of the dining hall for both breakfast and dinner. We do arrive near the rear of the line and have a tendency to chat while eating. The joke with the other inmates was that some of them labeled us “The View” as we always seem to be talking with one another. Our breakfast broadcast was over, and it was time to start my week cleaning the bathrooms. Yes, everything went well, and it appears I am going to have some help at night because a few inmates have picked up some extra duty! Extra duty is when an inmate is caught doing something they should not be doing such as smoking. Typically, an inmate must log 40 hours to complete the extra duty. Last night, I noticed an inmate sweeping out the bathrooms because this is where some choose to smoke. I welcome the assistance, and it makes my job a bit easier.

The morning went by very quickly, and before I realized it, it was lunchtime. My lunchtime consists of sitting on the back porch of the dorm eating my peanut butter sandwich. I sit with another member from “The View” who, incidentally, assists with the cleaning of the bathrooms. We talk and take in the peaceful surroundings. I much prefer these lunches over the lunches I spent on the grade, which were sitting in the dirt somewhere eating the peanut butter sandwich. After lunch, I checked in and went to round 2 of my workout. I did 90 minutes on the Harvard Wall, and this allowed me to soak up the sun as well. It was a great session and essentially completed my day. These days do go by quickly, and now I have the evening to myself.