I don't Know

I need to address some administrative issues first. I must reiterate my big thank you to everyone who sent me paper, envelopes, and stamps. I understand sending writing utensils are prohibited which is a shame because my pen has run out of ink and I am back to using a pencil. I also understand that there seemed to be a lot of controversy concerning blank paper with holes in it. I am not sure if the prison’s website has posted holed paper as a prohibited item. However, I did receive holed paper from my mother without any problems. The only paper I cannot receive is stationery. I guess as long as it is plain white paper, it should be fine. I have received copies of e-mails in some letters along with copies of newspaper articles from the internet.

My wonderful friends in the GA Program keep me connected to the fellowship which is great! I was looking forward to receiving step-letters because this is a necessary part of my recovery. (Hopefully, I am allowed to get them) I am looking forward to adding these letters to the letters sent by my GA friends to stay fully connected to my recovery. I know once I move to wherever the next stop is, I will be able to receive literature directly from the GA office. I look forward to reading “A Day at a Time” as I had each day for almost 17 months. I must be patient because all good things come to those who wait and I am patiently waiting.

Earlier this week I wrote about how this dormitory transfer should be my last barring any unforeseen circumstances. Well, I have not been transferred but the fact of the matter is “I don’t know.” Today one of my bunk neighbors has been transferred to another dormitory for no apparent reason. This inmate was transferred to the main-line portion of the prison which is highly unusual. He will still be part of the reception center but housed with inmates who are going to serve their term in that prison. Again, it comes down to the only constant that is “change” and if I was transferred for the 4th time, it wouldn’t surprise me.

I did figure how to solve the overcrowding in the prison system. No, the solution is not to release all non-violent offenders regardless of their term. But come to think of it, I would fit into this category so I may reevaluate. Just Kidding! On a semi-serious note, I have noticed a few inefficiencies in the system and somewhere down the line, I may write about these but now is certainly not the time. Maybe someone out there can remind me in a few years when I close this horrible chapter of my life.

I was very fortunate to have finished yet another novel (ENTONBED sp? by Linda Faiestein sp?) prior to my transfer on Monday. The other times I had been transferred, I was not able to complete the book and I could not take it with me. In this new dormitory there is no shortage of books and everyone appears to be fine with sharing whatever novel they have finished. I read my first autobiography IACOCCA which to me was a bit of a “puff piece”. He was employed with the Ford Motor Co for 34 years before he was fired for no apparent reason. I do try to learn something from each book that I read even the fictional books. I learned that Lee Iacocca was a devoted family man and when my time is done I will try my best to be a devoted family man as well. I miss those three wonderful people so much and I look forward to the day when I can hug all of them at the same time. One other book I read this week was ROSES ARE RED by James Patterson. This is the second novel I read by Patterson and enjoyed just as well. He has a great writing style and the story moves quickly – almost too quickly in a place like this. There is a sequel to this one which is VIOLETS ARE BLUE floating around here somewhere which I need to find. The amazing part of ROSES ARE RED is that I had no idea “who done it” until the very last page. Hopefully, I can find more books by this author who has become my favorite out of the 26 books I have read.

I still have not found my way into working in the kitchen. I do have three different people trying to get me in. I may work tomorrow morning for my bunkmate because he had a tooth extracted today and wasn't feeling very well. There is something I pray to God that I stay away from in the next two years – prison dental work. I have been warned by a few people who have been in prison to not have any dental work done here. Hey, I supposedly will get a new 4 inch toothbrush every week so I should be fine, right? All joking aside, the federal gov’t had to take over the California Prison Health Care because it was so dreadful. There is a five-year phase- in period and currently they are in year two. I sure hope I stay healthy because I definitely don’t like the alternative.

Speaking of staying healthy, my regular workout routine has changed because of my close proximity to the workout area which is one foot away from my bunk. I do full pish-ups when I first get up but a less number of repetitions than the half-pushups. After the first few workout routines in the “workout” area are completed, I try to emulate these workouts by myself with more repetitions. I must be doing something right because when I finish I am my usual sweaty mess and right now my chest is sore (which is a good thing). Tomorrow is yard day and the yard on this side of the prison is four times the size of the yard on the other side of the prison with a running track. Hopefully, I will get some running in tomorrow.

There are more people in this dorm who I fell comfortable with than at any other previous dorms. There is one inmate who resides here that I saw when I was taking the diagnostic tests. When I saw him two weeks ago, I was taken aback because he looked very much like a few accountants I have worked with in the past. I wanted to go up to him then – but couldn’t – because we were in different lines. I was pleased when I recognized his face on Monday. Since then, I have gone out of my way to talk to him and he is very “normal” (normal meaning in the sense of people that I have been acquainted with on the outside). It turns out he is here for a probation violation on a DUI infraction and he is serving a 3 year sentence. I won’t go into any particulars now but his DUI infraction did not involve anyone who was killed or even injured. I also feel badly for him because he is currently in the military and was preparing for his 4th tour of Iraq before he was sentenced. He is one of the few inmates I can understand without referring to the “Prison Dictionary”. I guess it was a matter of time before I found the “needle” in the haystack and fortunately for me this “needle” makes my day go faster. It is nice to have a conversation with someone who understands what I am saying. Little things like this go a long way in a place like this.

Pillow and Toothbrush

Who knew a pillow and toothbrush would brighten up my day! Two items which I have certainly taken for granted in my 41 years of existence made my day today. I have been without a pillow since my sentencing date on July 12th. I stayed 31 days in the county jail where pillows are non-existent. I would prop my head up with the wool blanket underneath my flimsy mattress pad. I did not dare lie on this blanket because the wool was very course and itchy. I had no choice but to make do with what I had.

I was transferred here to the reception center on august 10th and upon my arrival I was given an assortment of clothing, towels, sheets, blanket, toothbrush and fluoride powder. One of the peculiar items I was given was a pillowcase. I thought maybe there was a pillow waiting for me once I got to my bunk. This was not the case and the only function of the pillowcase is that of a satchel when I have moved from one dormitory to another. I was able to make a makeshift pillow with the pillowcase. I folded the blanket (this time it was a cotton blanket) placed it into the pillowcase and I had an impromptu pillow. Not necessarily a pillow I have ever used before; however; in a place like this every little bit counts. I did notice on a few bunks in my previous dormitory and this dormitory what appeared to look like a real pillow. In fact one of my previous bunk neighbors did have a real pillow. I inquired as to how to get a pillow and was told I needed someone (of the same race as me) bequeath the pillow upon their departure. The way I have been shuffled around I didn’t believe I had a chance to ever get a pillow, however; I was talking to a fellow inmate (who by the way also doesn’t look like he belongs here, more on him later) who told me he finally got a pillow today. I told him he was very fortunate because I did not have one. His bunk neighbor overheard us talking (this is very common because the bunks are three feet apart) and asked me if I wanted a pillow. Of course I absolutely said “yes”. He then led me to a bunk (a “white” bunk) which had been vacated today and low and behold there was a pillow resting on the bunk. We asked the lower bunkmate (this was still occupied and thusly makes decisions on any property left by the departed to bunk mate) if it were acceptable if I could have the pillow. Fortunately he said yes, without any hesitation. I gladly took the pillow back to my bunk and put my pillow case on it. I now have a pillow. How pitiful my life has become if I a now elated by a stinking pillow!

Here is a little history on pillows in prison especially here at the Reception Center. According to legend (God knows there is a great deal of “legend” floating around this place!) Pillows were once a standard inmate item upon arrival a few years ago. These pillows were used as weapons at one point so they were no longer part of the standard arrival inventory. However; the existing pillows were not actively taken out of service. This means there are still many pillows being utilized by inmates. I don’t know when the prison stopped supplying pillows and by the look of my pillow it appears to be very old, which is why I have the pillow wrapped in two pillowcases and I did not want to inspect the pillow any further.
I was afraid what I might find but I hope I am “protected” from any bacteria or other nasty items. I did spray it with industrial strength cleaner and let it air out. I guess I am taking m chances but it beats not having a pillow.

Another of the positives of being in the "old man gym” is the cleaning products are left out during the day for use by anyone. Whereas in my previous dormitory the cleaning products were kept under lock and key in the C/O’s office only to be brought out twice a day during cleaning sessions. The C/O’s certainly do treat us differently here and it is a much better atmosphere.

The other small item which I have always taken for granted is a toothbrush. I have been fortunate over the past five years I have used an electronic toothbrush along with dental floss and Listerine. The dental floss and Listerine are out of the question as is the electronic toothbrush. I was given a four inch toothbrush when I was received into the Reception Center almost 3 weeks ago. This four inch toothbrush is how can I say this nicely, not of the best quality. I think it sells for 12 cents in the Canteen (which is where we inmates go once a month to buy special items) so it really is crap! I believe the bristles on my toothbrush started to fall off the third day of use. I am not sure when I will get to the Canteen so I was pleasantly surprised when new toothbrushes were handed out this afternoon.

Two surprises in one day, how much better can it get, (wink, wink, nod, nod). It is hard to imagine that tomorrow would have marked the five year anniversary of when my family moved into the house in Murrieta. Now here I am five years later getting excited over a toothbrush and a pillow, while my wife and children are 3,000 miles away starting a new chapter in their lives. My how so much has changed in a few short years; however; I do know that all of these changes have occurred for a reason. One big reason is I am no longer lying, cheating, and stealing. My life has absolutely changed, but this change is for the best.

Upside / Downside

As most of you may have noticed I posted yet another mailing address to add to the confusion. Please don’t worry as long as the mail was sent to North Kern State Prison, Delano CA 93216 and has my name along with CDC number, it will be delivered to me regardless of the post office box numbers. Much to my surprise I received a letter from my mom with the 5004 post office box number. I really thought my mail would be delayed a few days because of my move; however, this certainly does not appear to be the case. I am not sure if I should write this but I will anyway; barring any unforeseen circumstances (meaning if I mess up) I should stay in this dormitory until I am transferred to the next stop so please don’t worry about the mailing address.

There are upsides and downsides to any situation. Although it is hard to fathom prison having an upside but I have decided to view of the positives of my current move. However; I will list the downside which lags far behind the upside. The downsides of my current move are; I did build a rapport with my bunk neighbors; I won’t know what happened to my bunk neighbor who went to the hospital last Saturday evening, I do hope he will be okay. I did get into a routine and was starting to feel more comfortable as each day passed. I was able to trade my food freely with several o my bunk neighbors. Those are the downsides and now here are the upsides.

The upsides include everyone in this dormitory is over the age of 35 and doesn’t have anything to prove. There are o loud mouth youngsters trying to earn their prison stripes. This dormitory is so much quieter after 10:00pm then my previous dorm. I am able to walk freely throughout the dorm and I have already spoken to more people in the last two days than I have in the two weeks I spent in the previous. My bunk is located toward the very back of the gymnasium and there is an open space to the right of the bunk. This open space is where many inmates workout and even though there aren’t any weights or exercise equipment available these workouts are very effective (more on this later). The food from the chow hall is very hot and even though it is the same food served throughout the prison it certainly tastes better hot.

The lights do stay on all night long after all this building was designed as a gymnasium (as evidence of the basketball court lines that are drawn on the floor) however; the lights are in the ceiling about 30 feet from the ground. These lights are bright enough to read all night long but dim enough to allow sleeping. As I reported before my sleep habits are poor at best; however; my new bunk has an entirely different mattress pad. This mattress pad is four times thicker then my previous pad so the pressure on my kidneys has been minimized. The showers at my new dorm are anything but hot which is a downside. It will take some getting used to (if at all possible) because unlike my previous dorm where the showers had hot water this is non-existence here. It also is much warmer here so the cold shower does feel somewhat okay.

I am not sure if I want to say I am comfortable here because no matter how the dormitory is designed this is still prison. However; moving to my new dormitory was without any anxiety. I have also finally met someone who has similar charges to mine. I was starting to think I was the only white collar criminal in the prison system of California. This inmate is a little older than me (55 years old) and his sentence is one year longer - 5 years. His dollar amount was much higher - $3.2 Million. No don’t worry I am not going into the justice system doesn’t make any sense discussion because I have exhausted this topic at nausea.

As I was speaking to this gentleman and discussing his case my ordeal was nothing compared to his. His charges stem from 1994. Yes, that is twelve years ago. Talk about having an albatross around your neck for what would seem like forever. Long story short; he was originally put on probation and due to a technicality (I do believe him) he violated the terms of probation. Because he violated his probation he should have received ten years; however; the District Attorney (not in Riverside County) made a mistake on his paperwork thus cutting the ten-year sentence in half.

More importantly I inquired how long he has been here at the reception center. He has been here since June (a little over 2 months) and he has seen his counselor. His charges as I mentioned with the exception of the dollar amount are very similar to mine so I was curious what the recommendation of the counselor was, meaning where did the counselor refer him to on his next stop. He showed me his paperwork from the counselor and it has referred him to Fire Camp. Before I or anyone else gets too excited he has not been definitely sent to fire camp because until the announcements are made it is not definite. However, this is good news because at least there is the possibility for me. Also he did tell me placements for fire Camps take longer than any other facility so I should plan on being at the reception center (here) for three months. Yikes!

I do want to get to the next stop sooner as opposed to later; however; if I have to wait another month (this would be November) to get into a Fire Camp, I will wait. Once I get to a Fire Camp my sentence is reduced to 35% of the full term which means the sooner I get there the sooner I can be back with my family. Please keep saying your prayers because I really want the Fire Camp.

As I mentioned previously my bunk is located near the area where many people workout. This morning I got up at 6:00am and did my push-ups and sit-ups just like any other morning. My bunkmate had already left to go work in the kitchen (hopefully I will be working in a few days) so I didn’t have to worry about waking him while doing my exercises. Unbeknownst to me my two bunk neighbors watched me doing push-ups until my bunkmate came back from the kitchen. The two neighbors were commenting on my push-up technique to my bunkmate. They did say all of this in good fun. My push-up technique is a little different then most because I go for endurance as opposed to strength. I go all the way down but only go halfway up which allows me to do 150 push-ups in a set. I did not know that these types of push-ups were not acceptable.

My neighbors told my bunkmate so my bunkmate took it upon himself to put me through a workout later on in the day. This workout consisted of 123 “burpees”! I hope I am not the only one who did not know what a burpee is. I asked what is a burpee and bunkmate gave me an example. It is the same as a squat thrust which starts standing up then going to a down position to start a push-up, doing a push-up all the way down, all the way up then bringing your feet forward and standing up. My bunkmate would do one then as he came up I would do one, 123 of these. I was able to keep up and actually got a good sweat going for the first time in a long time. After we were done I told my bunkmate to let me know anytime he wants to workout because I will gladly workout with him. He told me this was only just a warm-up. I am looking forward to tomorrow’s workout.

It seems there are some people on the outside who certainly know the prison rules much better than me. In the letter I received from my mother she referenced a “Form #106”. Apparently this form is a questionnaire for approval of visitation. From what I understand, I will get this form when I get to wherever it is I am going. If I do get a fire Camp there will be two transfers. One for the training which is 2-4 weeks at length and the second stop is the actual camp where I will be stationed. I cannot send out these forms until I get to my final destination. This means if I do get a Fire Camp, I cannot have visitors until December. However; if I do get a Community Correctional Facility (CCF) I most likely could have visitors as early as the end of October. Of course, I will keep everyone posted as to my whereabouts and when I get to my final destination I will send this form out to the appropriate parties.

Year and a Half Moving Day

Today marks one year and six months since my last bet. It really doesn’t seem like a long time which is why I hope and pray the next 18 months go just as fast. It is sort of ironic because I am in a place (state prison) where there is more gambling right in front of my face than there has been in the last year and a half.

One of the principles of the GA program states; don’t associate with acquaintances who gamble and don’t go in or near gambling establishments. I have been faithful to these two principles. However, there is no way I can leave this place until my term if fulfilled which is why I don’t go near the tables where all of the gambling takes place nor do I associate with anyone who gambles. Anytime I am asked to play a game or to play cards or to play cards I respectively decline. I keep to my bunk so I can read and write. I know how much damage gambling has caused in my life and I don’t want to go back to the insanity. It may sound silly to decline a “harmless” card game where the stakes are for 20 cent soups, but I take my recovery very seriously and in my mind there is no such thing as a “harmless” wager. The GA program has saved my life and even though I can no longer (temporarily) attend meetings, I still practice what I have learned.

February 28th, 2005 – my head was spinning and I placed two $5,000 bets because if I hadn’t, my last wager date would be unknown. At this time, my head was swirling for a number of reasons and even though the heat was on me, I was still trying to figure out a way to continue my fantasy life of compulsive gambling. I really thought I could explain my way out of the situation and continue doing the lying, cheating, and stealing. It wasn’t until a few days later when I wasn’t to talk my way out of the situation did I FINALLY realize I needed help with my problem. I thank God each and every day for the GA program because now I understand I have a choice. The choice is to gamble and end my life or to not gamble and live my life with a positive purpose.

For the last 18 months I have chosen to live my life with a positive purpose and I am able to walk with my head held high. Over the past 20 plus years, I ran away and I ran towards my gambling problem. I never faced up to it until a year and a half ago and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I look forward to a lifetime of “18 months from my last wager” meaning I look forward to a life-time of living gambling-free with a positive purpose!


Just when I thought I was settling into a routine because today marked two weeks of being in the same dormitory, I was wrong in thinking that. I got up at 6:00 am, did everything that I normally do, just as I did for the past 14 days. It was “yard time” after breakfast and I was getting into a good pace walking very fast but not running because it is prohibited, I heard a voice say, “Del Vacchey –173-up report for a bunk move.” I was a little upset because my walk workout was interrupted. I still had another 30 minutes of “yard time”. I really didn’t register the words – “bunk move” until I saw one of my bunk neighbors who told me I was probably being moved to another dormitory. He was right. As I went into the dorm, the Corrections Officer told me to “pack my shit” because I was being transferred to the A-Yard. For some reason, when I was told I was being transferred, I was neither upset nor apprehensive; it was something I was subconsciously thinking. I have stated this before that the only consistent variable in this ordeal has been change. I guess I was more mentally prepared than I actually thought.

I packed my “shit” into my pillowcase, checked the drawer twice to ensure that I had all my letters. These are the most important items I have because these letters get me through each and everyday. Also, the wonderful card my daughter sent me for my birthday brings tears of happiness each time I open it. I said my good-byes to my bunk neighbors. I will miss these guys and one had mentioned as I was leaving, “Who are we going to give our apples to now?” I laughed and grabbed my belongings headed to the A-Yard.

About ten days ago, I was sitting while eating my lunch when one of my bunk-neighbors and a fellow inmate were having a conversation about A-Yard. The inmate went on and on about what a great program A-Yard has. (program is the key word in prison and hopefully somewhere down the line, I will explain further) This inmate was putting in a request for a transfer because this gym is for inmates over the age of 35 and they get to eat off the main-line chow hall.

I now need to give some background on North Kern State Prison. Up until two years this prison was only a reception center where inmates are received, evaluated, and transferred. Two years ago there was an addition built to house longer-term prisoners which is known as a mainline prison. At the reception center the inmates wear orange and at the mainline, the inmates wear blue shirts and blue jeans. The A-Yard is located within the mainline prison and because of the overcrowding, the reception center had to take over the gym and a few other buildings.

The gym is the only dormitory which houses inmates over 35 who have no write-ups. This is allegedly the best housing unit within both facilities because there have not been any problems since it was opened in 2004. Interesting side-bar - when the inmate was talking about A-Yard 10 days ago, I thought to myself that I should put in a request for transfer but I thought further and decided this was against my “fly under the radar” approach so I didn’t.

While I was walking over with 20 other inmates who were also being transferred to other dorms, I instantly noticed everyone (with the exception of one) appeared to be older than 35. I have heard so many rumors over the past month and a half, I tend to be a bit more skeptical. I thought this to be a good sign. The CO called out 5 names out of the 20 and told us we were going to the A-Yard.

We then walked toward the gym and met up with another CO. He started to talk with us about the history and what is expected of the inmates who reside in the gym. As soon as he started to speak, I noticed something very different from the other CO’s. He was actually talking TO us instead of AT us. There is a very big distinction and I really enjoy being talked to as opposed to being talked at.

The CO went through his speech about this dormitory and actually asked if anyone has any questions. A few of the inmates did and he answered them as if it were a discussion. I was very impressed because this CO was not sarcastic or flippant in any manner. For the first time in 49 days, I felt treated as an adult. Dare I say it? Maybe things are getting better? At one time, this was a gymnasium, but whatever exercise or sporting equipment has long since been removed and replaced with 70 bunk beds. I looked around and saw that everyone was definitely over 35. The dorm is no bigger than a junior high school gym. Please picture putting 70 beds, a guard podium, 6 stainless steel tables with stools, 6 benches to view the 27 in TV, gym showers and open toilets. This reminds me of the Astrodome (on a much smaller scale) when Hurricane Katrina hit last year.

Of course, I still have the top bunk because it does go by seniority and I haven’t been in any one place long enough to get that. My new “Bunkie” seems okay as do most of the people here. It seems that everyone just wants to do their time and get home without any problems. Even though there are 140 inmates, it is much quieter than my previous dorm because there aren’t any youngsters. We do get to go next door to the main-line chow hall for breakfast and dinner. The food is the same menu as the reception center but it is right off the line which means the food is HOT as opposed to luke warm.

This is also a working dorm meaning we are encouraged to work in the kitchens because it is right next door. I asked my Bunkie about this and he told me he starts tomorrow morning on the early shift from 4:30 am – 9:30 am. He told me he would give my name to the supervisor to try to get me in. Hopefully, he can which will give me something to do for 5 days a week. I also spoke with some other inmates about working and they told me the kitchen is always looking for some help on the early shift. So much for my waiting 30 days and hopefully within the next few days, I will have a job.

My address is:
Paul Del Vacchio #F38991
A Gym 69-Low

North Kern State Prison
PO Box 5000
Delano, California
93216-5000

Cleaning chores

Sleeping longer than 2 hours at a time has become something in the past. The lights are usually turned off around 10:30 but the dayroom is still open until midnight. This means the TV is on and the inmates are out of their bunks. There is a great deal of noise coming from the dayroom. Because of this it is very hard to fall asleep. I usually get to sleep between 12:30 – 1:00 am. But for some reason I always seem to get up and go the bathroom during the night.

No, I don’t believe it is a prostate problem (hopefully) I believe it has something to do with the hardness of the bunk. My theory is that the hardness pushes on my kidneys causing me to get up and go to the bathroom. I never drink anything past 8:00 pm, but I still have to get up during the night. I will spare everyone the details of my kidneys, but ever since I was a child there have been problems. It’s just one of those things I have to deal with which really isn’t a big deal.

In addition to getting up frequently during the night there are some correction officers who work the night shift who turn the lights on at 1:00 am and 3:00 am in order to do an inmate count. The florescent light is three feet from my bunk and as I have mentioned, I am a very light sleeper so I invariably wake up when the lights go on. Last night was no exception. The lights were turned on and fortunately for me this coincided with the need to go to the bathroom. All in all it has become a very rare occurrence to sleep more than 2 hours each night. This does not mean I am not getting enough sleep – quite the contrary – because I really do nothing physical all day and I am very well rested.

Today I was up before 6:00 am because it was my bunkmate’s turn and mine turn to clean the bathrooms and sweep and mop the floor. These chores are rotated from bunk to bunk which means every 14 days I get to clean. I woke up and did my series of pushups and sit-ups because the cleaning does not start until 6:30 am. I have always stayed away from cleaning chores when I was on the outside (my wife will verify this fact). However, I was more than ready to do something. In fact, I didn’t want to wake up my bunkmate because I wanted to clean everything. I started with sweeping and mopping the floor and doing this under each bunk. I have watched the other inmates clean so I could understand the “protocol” and most of the inmates did not sweep or mop underneath the bunks. I am not sure why they did it this way but I was able to get between and underneath the bunks. I was very aware as to NOT disturb someone who was sleeping. The last thing I wanted to do was wake a sleeping inmate.

I finished the sweeping and the mopping and to my dismay, my bunkmate was cleaning the bathroom! I never thought I could be disappointed by not having to clean a bathroom but in this case I was! Go figure, I guess there is only so much inactivity one person can take and I think I hit my quota many weeks ago. The morning cleaning was over but there would be one more chance to clean at 3:30 pm this afternoon. It really is a good program because the bathrooms and showers are cleaned twice a day on a daily basis. The floors are another story because the concrete was set long ago and really the only thing that would really brighten it up would be installing a new floor.

Again I was looking forward to the afternoon session and again I did not want to wake up my bunkmate. (My bunkmate does sleep a great deal, somewhere between 16-18 hours a day) I am not sure how he does it but the earplugs and blindfold may help. He is a unique person because last week he was up for 72 hours straight. I guess he is now catching up on his sleep. I started with sweeping and mopping once again but when I was finished one of my bunk neighbors started cleaning the bathroom. I told him that he didn’t have to do it because he just did it two days ago on his regular turn. I couldn’t talk him out of it because he was also looking for something to do and I certainly can’t blame him for helping out.

Due to the overcrowding, there aren’t any jobs available here. All of the jobs have been filled. However, there are volunteer jobs that I cannot get because I have to here for 30 days. It is quite funny when the announcement comes for volunteer kitchen workers. At least 20-25 inmates rush up to the front. The supply of inmates certainly exceeds the demand of jobs.

I recently wrote about one of my neighbor bunkmates who has been here for 15 weeks and finally received his transfer assignment. He was to be transferred this coming Thursday, August 31st. Last night he was rushed to the hospital ( he has many health issues) for some severe asthma symptoms. He has not returned and we are all hoping he gets better especially well enough for his transfer on Thursday. He only has 40 days left of his sentence but he was being sent closer to his home which is always a good thing. We are all hoping that we hear how he is doing.

I will close this passage with something my mother wrote to me about. There are some very good friends in my life whom I had forgotten about. Over the years I have lost track of many good friends for a number of reasons even before my “situation”. These reasons include living 3000 miles away, having a family, and having my own life. One of these very dear friends resurfaced after finding out about my “situation” from a third party. I was not privy to the conversation but from what I was told, there was enormous support.

All of my life, I seemed to walk around with blinders on and I took so many things and people for granted. I have learned the hard way and continue to learn how many great people are in my life. I have truly been given a gift of a second / fourth chance and I will continue doing everything in my power not to screw-up this chance. Everyone and everything I needed was right in front of my eyes. I closed my eyes to these wonderful people but by the grace of God these wonderful people have not closed their eyes nor turned their backs on me. I will continue saying this because it is so true – I am a blessed person with an enormous amount of blessings in my life.

Yes, it took losing just about everything – handcuffs, prison, loss of freedom to learn some valuable lessons. I know it shouldn’t have been this difficult but I guess I am a very slow learner. I can pray and hope that I have learned my lesson but this is not good enough. I have to change my ways and become a better person to truly learn from my mistakes. I am trying my very best to change my old evil ways and so far so good. There is no end – no cure – there is only me doing my best to live a positive honest life. This has been a long time in the making and I am grateful to finally have discovered a new way of life.

Writing Day

I finished another novel today by Patricia Cromwell – SOUTHERN CROSS. Her previous novel, HORNET’S NEST was certainly not one of my favorites. However, I cannot be choosey, I have to read whatever is available. I have heard a great many reviews of her novels but my patience is definitely wearing thin. So far, of the two books, I would not recommend either one. Maybe I can run across one of her other novel with Kay Scarpetta being the main character. I understand that series is very good. Oh well, there are a few John Grisham novels floating around and maybe I can get my hands on one of those.

In addition to finishing the novel, I embarked on my writing quest. It is my pledge that as long as I have a pen or pencil, writing paper, envelopes, and stamps, I will respond to each and every letter. I finished writing seven today and I have two more to go. Even though writing with a pen is somewhat painful (I literally have writer’s cramp) the positives exceed this minor pain. In each letter that I received there is so much love and support. I know there are inmates in here who are envious of the letters I received because they do not have anyone in their lives. I do not flaunt my mail. In fact, I try to keep to myself as much as possible but it is hard when the inmates see me hour after hour and all I am doing is writing. Practically, everyone who is around my bunk thinks all the letters and all the writing I do is “cool”. They understand that it is great to have support because it makes the time go by that much quicker.

As I composed each letter, I thought how fortunate I am. I most certainly did an awful thing to my family and myself to which I am paying the consequences. However, even though I did an awful/illegal thing, I am not viewed as a bad person. I also do not view myself or think of myself as bad; I am in no way condoning my actions. What I did was wrong – plain and simple – it wasn’t done out of malice or spite. It was done to satisfy my addiction which I must keep in mind each and everyday so I don’t go back to these behaviors. This is why I am committed to my recovery.

Earlier today I was having a discussion with another inmate about my compulsive gambling addiction. As I have outlined before there is a great deal of gambling here in prison and I must be diligent to stay in recovery. As I spoke with inmate who suffers from a drug addiction asked if I was cured. I guess I gave the impression that I have come to terms with my addiction by being in recovery and I may have given him the wrong impression. After he asked me if I was cured, I went into the I am NEVER cured dialogue. I wanted to get the point across that my gambling addiction is a lifelong illness and as long as I stay in recovery, my life will continue to get better. But if I go back to my old ways, my life is over. I certainly don’t want to do that.

I don’t go around preaching, I only talk about my addiction when asked. I am not one of those people who give advice for the sake of giving advice. All my conversations are specific to my addiction, not to anyone else’s. I am in no way a professional counselor nor do I intend to come across as one which is why I have to take care of myself first and foremost in order to recover properly. I don’t want to get caught up in someone else’s problems. How does that saying go? “Don’t borrow trouble.” I have enough trouble with myself, I don’t need anymore.

Today marked my second “trash-packing” Saturday, which is the day those inmates who are moving on, pack their personal items in a brown shopping bag. Last night, the assignments are announced by the correction officer. The air is filled with anticipation because presumably none of the inmates know exactly where they are being sent nor do they know when they are departing. It sort of felt like Christmas morning as a child with all the presents under the tree. When the announcements were over, the tension left the dormitory which marked one more week for many inmates.

I guess what this all means is that I won’t know until the Friday of next week if I am being sent to the next stop. Most inmates are transferred on Mondays. The only way I can communicate with my family and friends as to what my next destination would be is by a letter. This will probably take a week before anyone knows where I will be sent. Then again I understand the California Dept of Corrections website is very informative and most of you will probably know where I am being sent before I do. There seems to be plenty of time for this because one of the inmates who is being transferred next week has been here since April.

Of course, there is always the possibility I can stay here for 15 weeks as this inmate did but there are special circumstances surrounding this placement. He has medical issues which means his options of prisons are limited. I, on the other hand do not have any medical issues (by the grace of God, I won’t) so my options are unlimited. I do look forward to hearing my name announced some Friday evening in the not too distant future.

The Day After

Today being yet another Friday means “Yard Day”. I sure do miss my normal workout. No matter how fast I walk (since we are not allowed to run) I can’t seem to get the sweat I normally get during my workout. I am outside for an hour and a half and I fast –walk the entire time. Most of the other inmates stroll around the dirt path so during the entire time there is not one inmate who passes me. I certainly don’t want to come across as arrogant because by the looks of some of the inmates, they are definitely in better shape than me. However, when it comes to endurance I must be better at it.

I do feel myself getting out of shape even though I do my push ups and sit ups everyday along with the twice weekly hour and a half walk. I am hopefully looking forward to Fire Camp training because it is very physical. My test consists of the following: being able to run a mile in 9 minutes, being able to perform 10 pull-ups, 35 squat thrusts, 15 minutes of something like a stair-stepper machine, 2 miles of power walking and an undetermined number of push-ups. I don’t want to put the cart before the horse, but again I hope I am given the chance to tryout. The other alternative is called a Community Correction facility (CCF). These are privately run prisons by Wackenhut and are scattered throughout the state. The CCF’s are for low-risk offenders (hopefully me) and even have accommodations for vegetarians. In fact the veg side has a few more perks such as a big screen TV and popcorn during movie days.

According to my calculations, I qualify for both these programs. However, the determination is not up to me, it is up to yet to be counselor. I should be meeting with him in the next few weeks. He will make the determination of where I should be placed. Of course, I am leaning toward the Fire Camp because this would take an additional six to seven months off my sentence.

I really am having a hard time with my second year. Yes, this goes against everything I have learned in the GA program, but for some reason I cannot help myself from looking ahead. I believe it all goes back to the fact that I really thought the judge would sentence me to two years meaning only serving one. I figured I could do anything for one year and being away from my family wouldn’t be as hard. As we all know, this is not the case and I must prepare myself for an additional year. I am sure as I progress through the system and get into an actual program the time will move faster.

Today marks the end of my second week here which means I am one week closer to being with my family. As I have reported before, I have gone through the diagnostic evaluation but unfortunately nothing else. The next step is an education evaluation to determine what set of life skills I will need. There are some inmates who have less than a sixth grade education and they are given simple addition, subtraction, and English lessons. I was helping some inmates with their work and it was like helping my daughter with her first grade homework. It was truly very sad because the packet these inmates were given is designed to educate them. Since the counselors are so overwhelmed with the number of inmates, they cannot devote the time necessary to adequately assist these them. I do understand why so many return to prison because they truly do not know any better.

The mail call came again today at 3:00 pm and before I get into the mail call for today, I need to explain the system. Mail is sent out on Sundays through Thursday at 10:30 pm. Mail is received on Mondays through Fridays at 3 pm. I have no idea how long it takes for a letter sent by me because I have not received any responses to the letters I have sent out. Getting back to today’s mail call~ I did receive two letters from two more dear friends (thank you Jane and Phil) and although the mail wasn’t as overwhelming as it was yesterday, these pieces of mail made me feel so very good! One was sent from San Diego and it took only 3 days from the postmark date which was exceptionally fast. I did receive more writing paper (thank you Jane) and it really seems that I cannot get enough.

I have lost track as to how many hand-written pages I have sent for the blog, but it should be close to over 200 pages. All of these pages were hand-written with the first set in pencil from the county jail and the second set was written in pen which is running low on ink. Pens are very hard to come by and I am not sure if I can receive them from the outside. Maybe someone can check the website to see if pens are prohibited. (comment- from the typist – his mother – I remember hearing or reading somewhere that said “no” to pens, but I’m not 100% sure) As I mentioned before, I would be a complete basket case if I didn’t write on a daily basis.

I started this blog in April of last year and maintained faithfully up until my sentenecing date on July 12th. Thank God, my mother has been kind enough (his wife helped, too)
to type these into the blog. I know it has not been easy for her because she is not the best typist (!!!!! I do take offense to that, even though he’s right) and my writing certainly is not the most legible. I must thank my mom once again for doing this. Throughout my recovery the one of the constants has been maintaining the blog along with remaining abstinate from gambling. There are no GA, AA or NA meetings where I currently reside so I have to improvise with my program. I do know I have a fantastic foundation for the GA program and I try to practice these principles on a daily basis. I am fairly certain had I not entered the program a year and a half ago, I would have been in a mental institution and would have been certifiable.

I owe my life to the GA program and no matter how long I am incarcerated I will do my best to practice the principles of the program. I certainly miss the meetings and the fellowship that goes along with the program. However, with all the letters I have gotten from my friends and family, I do feel the love and friendship. It is truly amazing because here I am in a state prison one and a half years later, and I have more true friends now than I ever had in my life. I am a blessed person.

41 Years Old

Forty-one years old today at 5:16 am in Rahway, NJ. There is a long story associated with my birth, but I will give the shortened version. The day after I was born there was a bomb scare at the hospital and the entire hospital (with the exception of the critical who were brought down to the first floor) had to be evacuated. My mother and I were sent home less than 24 hours after I was born. It appears I was trouble from the very start.

Fast forward 41 years and here I am at North Kern State Prison starting my first year of a four-year term for embezzling from my employer. I certainly never envisioned spending a birthday in a place like this some 3000 miles away from my wife and children. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I should hopefully be out in half of that time and will only spend one more birthday here.

Unfortunately, here at the center we are not allowed to make telephone calls. This is the first time that I can remember where I didn’t personally speak to any members of my family on my birthday. I do remember when I was 18 years old leaving for the airport very early in the morning to catch a plane to Las Vegas to meet my two very dear friends. These friends were meeting me there so that they could take me to Los Angeles where I would start my first semester at USC. At least I did see my mother and girlfriend – my wife – because they took me to the airport.

There was one other time in my 41 years where I was away from my family. I had started my first and only year with the accounting firm of Deloitte, Haskins, and Sells and I had to attend a weeklong seminar in southern Connecticut. I did have access to a telephone but didn’t see any of my family on my 23rd birthday. However, I somewhat remember my birthday on that weeklong seminar. We were young and had a great time. It truly was a “party week” and the firm even included the alcohol. As it turned out my birthday was on a Wednesday and classes ended earlier that day so we partied hard! Everyone who was there found out it was my birthday and bought me drinks so I was pretty much hammered by dinner. I was mixing hard alcohol which I have never done before. I do remember drinking Wild Turkey bourbon which to this day, I cannot even smell or go near. After dinner I lead an impromptu karaoke of Harry Chapin’s Cats in the Cradle then was escorted to my room by my two friends. They undressed me, told me to throw up (which I did) and put me to bed. This was the very first time in my life I had thrown up from drinking. Since then, there were two other times, which occurred in my final six months of compulsive gambling, and they were both due to hard alcohol.

The next morning I had to be up at 7:00 am to attend a mandatory morning class. By the grace of God, I was able to make it but felt like crap until lunchtime. I did receive a very kind “talking to” by one of the managers about the night before. The ironic part of this story is that the two friends who put me to bed missed the 7:00 am class because they went partying afterward and overslept in the morning!

Here I am 41 years old sitting in a prison located in central Ca surrounded by fellow criminals. Yes, that is right, I am a criminal due to my actions and criminals such as myself get punished. Today was just like any other day over the course of the past six weeks. It marks one more day closer to me being back to my family. It also marks one of the “significant” days over the next two years. My birthday is really not that important to me, but I know my daughter was looking forward to speaking with me today but unfortunately didn’t happen. The real momentous days over the next two years are my anniversary in October, Thanksgiving, my wife’s birthday in December, which is a major occasion for her, Christmas, and my son and daughter’s birthdays in February. I don’t mean to slight anyone else. I will miss two years of these days, but it beats the alternative of missing all these dates forever. The way my compulsive gambling addiction was headed I would have been gone forever. I have been given a new lease on life and I am trying to make the best of it.

The mail usually arrives about 3:00 pm and as I have mentioned, I have started to receive some this week. As I was reading THE PACK by James A. Moore, the correction officer started calling the names of the inmates who had received mail. He called my name second and he called several more times after this. All told I received 11 pieces of mail today sent by 9 different people! The timing of receiving all this mail could not have been better (someone is definitely looking out for me, thank you) on of all days – my birthday. The three birthday cards that I received today were from my daughter, mom and dad. The card from my daughter brought tears to my eyes because inside were three sentences – “I miss you” – “I hope you are okay” – “Maybe you can right me”. Also, there were three pictures: one of my daughter, my son, and my grandmother. I haven’t seen my children in seven weeks and I can see that they’ve changed. My daughter is even more beautiful (if that’s possible) and my son has lost his first two teeth.

I opened the card and couldn’t hold back the tears. I had to reach for the toilet paper which is the closest thing to tissues as fast as I could. I was overwhelmed with emotions and wasn’t really sad. I was happier than anything else. I have a wonderful family and by receiving this card, it made me feel great! In fact, receiving all this mail which may be a record because I got quite a bit of comments, gave me a HUGE lift in spirits. It took me two hours to go through all the mail and truth be known, I would much rather read mail from my family and friends than any novel. Also, I think I am getting a little burnt out on reading novels so all this mail was a welcome relief.

I need to thank Janeen, Ken, Cheri, Marylou, Cathy and Juliana for the magnificent letters. Also, everyone was kind enough to send me blank paper so now I don’t have an excuse not to write. And I could stop grubbing for paper. I have also received envelopes and stamps – “thank you, mom and Ken”. Additionally someone has sent me stationary paper which is not allowed and was not passed on to me. Finally, it appears that any mail that was sent to Southwest County will NOT be forwarded to me; it will be sent back to the sender. I thank everyone for resending those letters. I was and I think I am on a high from all this mail because I was headed to a “woe is me birthday”. The WOE is me was quickly turned to a WOW is me and how fortunate I am to have these wonderful people in my life.

There are so many positives in my life which I need to focus on and I will get through these next two years. I will not only get through them, but I will become a better person. The one downfall is not being able to see my children for these next two years. They have grown so much in the last seven weeks and maybe there will be some way I can see them next summer. I will have to talk to my wife about this but seeing their pictures lifted my spirits so much, I can only imagine what seeing them in person would do. Of course, all this is predicated on what my next stop will be. If it is a Fire Camp that looks more like a fire station than a prison, then maybe we can work out a family visit. However, if it is an institution like this one, I don’t want to subject the children to this scary world. It is something to think about and I will worry about it later.

I guess as birthdays go, I certainly won’t forget this one. I purposely didn’t want to tell anyone because I wanted to maintain my low profile. However, by receiving all this mail and crying when I saw the first birthday card from my daughter, I was asked if I was alright. I said, “Yes” and explained that it was my birthday. I did receive a few “Happy Birthdays” from my fellow inmates which was very nice. All in all, it was just another day. But to me, it was an extra special day because of all the love in my life.

Drama- Apples

I am very happy to report that I have received another piece of mail today form my 84-year-old grand mother. She was kind enough to send me a birthday card for my birthday tomorrow. I was very surprised to receive this card because I thought inmates could not receive them. What was very odd is that my grandmother’s card was postmarked August 18th from NJ; I received it 5 days later. The letter I received yesterday was postmarked August 16th and was sent from Southern California. NJ took 5 days – Southern Cal took 6 days – go figure.

Earlier this week, I wrote about all the apples I was receiving from my fellow inmates. Apparently, I over estimated my appetite because I couldn’t eat them fast enough. I still had 10 apples left in the drawer after eating four per day for the last three days. My “stash” of apples almost landed me into trouble. There has been a great deal of drama here today and during dinner the correction officer inspected our drawers looking for contraband. Unbeknown to me having more than one apple in my drawer is considered contraband. Apparently, there are some very creative inmates who take the apples along with any other fruit and make “pruno” which is a fruit wine. I don’t know the process nor do I care to learn because it is nothing but trouble. In fact, during the same inspection the correction officer found some ready made “pruno” in an inmates drawer. The two inmates who shared the bunk were handcuffed and lead away to the hole.

The hole is a form of solitary confinement where these two inmates will spend the next 30 days. In addition to the 30 days, they earned an additional 90 days here at the reception center. They could be here for a total of six months before they are sent to the main-line. Also, their refraction will be sent to the DA’s office to see if they should be prosecuted. This is known as a DA referral and according to some of the inmates the amount of “pruno” was not enough for prosecution. If fear is a great motivator and judging by all the consequences associated with this infraction, then I am very fearful.

Fortunately, when the correction officer discovered all of the apples in my drawer, my fellow Bunkie (who is also the representative for the whites) yelled out that I was a vegetarian and the officer nodded in agreement. There were further questions and the apples were deposited into the trash container. Starting tomorrow I will not accept an apple unless I am willing to eat it as soon as I receive it. I will not keep any extra apples in my drawer for fear of a misconception. My thought that my diet while in prison would land me in the infirmary, but who knew my diet could possible land me in the “hole”. It certainly was a lesson learned!

Prior to dinner and the inspection, there was a great deal of drama surrounding the dormitory. There are about 144 inmates who share this dorm 24 hours a day over the course of 2-3 months. About 10%-25% of the population rotates out on a weekly basis but it still leaves too many personalities in one area for things to happen. It appears that most of the problems are based on race. Everyone is very protective of their race in a traditional sense. Each race is put into a “car” in the literal sense. I am in the white car which is also know as “woods”. Each race has to abide by the rules. These cars stand together and if someone breaks ranks they are either beaten up or told to get out of the dorm.

One of the dramas today had someone breaking ranks in their car and it was a very big production. The correction officers let this play our and hopefully no one gets hurt. No one did get hurt today (thank God) but it was fascinating to let this all play out. Two inmates from the same car had a very heated discussion which was watched very carefully by the correction officers. The inmate did not want to leave voluntarily in order to save face so with the threat of being sprayed with pepper spray; the inmate was led out of the dormitory. After this happened, the sergeant in charge of the shift had a very public discussion with the car representatives in order to hold off any further issues. The sergeant wanted to impress upon everyone if there were any additional issues, all of us in the dorm will be stripped down to our boxer shorts and be lead outside to the yard. We would stay in the yard on our bellies – no matter the time of day – until the issue is resolved. The temperature today was 102 degrees and I can’t imagine lying on my stomach in this heat for an untold number of hours. It appears the issues have been diffused but knowing I still have at least six weeks here, I fully expect there will be more to come.

I do like the way things are handled here as opposed to the county jail. Inmates in the county jail resolved their own issues using violence. This made me very uneasy, especially in my last week there. I was fearful of leaving my cell not knowing what would happen next. By the same token, I was also fearful of NOT leaving my cell for fear of an inmate thinking I was “ratting” on someone. It really was a fine line which lead to my paranoia.

My first allegiance is to my wife and children which means I need to stay safe. There are a few ways to do this and hopefully I can continue to lay low, mind my own business, and get back to my family sooner as opposed to later and in one piece. Paranoia – here – has not set in as yet but again I must remain on my toes and mind my “apples”. This is certainly a learn as I go situation and I do look forward to the day when this is all just a good story which will happen soon enough.

Televison Programming

The evenings are getting noisier than they were a week ago. I am not sure why this is happening but when all the lights go off at midnight, the talking and laughing doesn’t subside for another hour or two. Try as I may to turn things off in my head I still have difficulty falling asleep.

We were on bunk status up until 1:00 pm this afternoon. This is another name for lockdown which means we were not allowed to move from our bunks except to go the bathroom. Apparently, there was an incident from a nearby dormitory because all the inmates from the building were outside in their boxers from 8:30 am – 11:00 am.

In addition to the nights being noisier than ever, my bunkmate told me a story which took me by surprise, to say the least which would make a great Quentin Tarantino movie. After he told me his story, I counted my blessings regarding my normal outside life.

When I was giving the “Odds and Ends” on Sunday, I forgot to mention how the programs are scheduled during the day. I mentioned the movies that are shown on the prison channel but the TV lineup is culturally sensitive. There are three inmate representatives – one for the Caucasians, one for the Hispanics, and one for the African- Americans. These three representatives go over the schedule on a weekly basis so there aren’t any disagreements. Also, the channel selection is very limited since there isn’t any ESPN or CNN to choose from. The football games appear to cross all race lines more so than baseball or basketball. The correction officer will withhold these games as a form of punishment to the inmates.

I finally received my first piece of mail and it came from a very unlikely source. I wrote about this person a few weeks ago. I was impressed with this letter just as I was with the first one. It may well be voyeurism but there were many good questions in the letter. Now I just need to get some more paper so I can write back. I was pleasantly surprised to receive this piece of mail and hopefully more will follow.

I did finish reading HARRY POTTER-ORDER OF THE PHOENIX earlier today and I can’t wait to see the movie. Probably by the time I get out it will be on DVD, but I am sure my wife will add it to the children’s Harry Potter collection.

Vernacular

At the very least, this entire situation has been a learning experience. I have learned a new language which has terms such as dang, homey, fool, and other not so nice names. It appears in every conversation. I am still learning their exact meaning because it seems to vary slightly from person to person. I believe dang means friend as well as homey. Fool means idiot but in a nice sense. The odd thing about vernacular is that it is used across races. The meaning may vary from race to race and some races use these terms more often than others. It is truly amazing to listen to all the conversations which always seem to have these words. I tend not to use these terms because I really don’t seem to say much. It is part of my master plan to lay as low as possible. I just hope I don’t lie too low so the prison system forgets about me.

Another interesting fact about my situation is I am one of the very few who does not have a tattoo (not that there is anything wrong with it). Out of 144 people in my dorm, there is only one other person without a tattoo. Apparently, many of these inmates get them in prison. I have been told that the heads of a cassette player and some type of permanent ink are used to give tattoos here. Some of the inmates have tattoos in very interesting places, some being unmentionable. One of the places I find fascinating is the side of the head which must have been very painful. The inmates have very extensive artwok and if transferred to a piece of canvas, these portraits could hang in an art gallery. As you can see I am truly a fish out of water.

Today was “Yard Day” and I walked the entire hour and forty-five minutes. If someone says hello or makes a comment to me I always greet them with a smile no matter the circumstances. Respect is a key ingredient to survival and I respect all. We are all human beings living under the same roof and we all need to get along. Thank goodness everyone so far abides by this rule.

Also today marked the inmates leaving for the main-line who were replace by those who were arriving here. Different personalities departed the dorm and were replaced by others. The dynamics change but overall the rule of respect prevails.

Yesterday I wrote about how my fellow bunkmates are seeing that I get enough food. Today I had eleven apples in my drawer! I can’t seem to eat them fast enough, but it’s nice to know my fellow inmates are looking out for me.

Clothing exchange here is done once a week. Since I only have 3 pair of pants, 2 shirts, 2 tee shirts, 3 boxer shorts and 2 pair of socks, I need to wash in-between in the sink or shower with a bar of soap. Washing is not the problem – drying is the problem. We can only hang the items from our bunk at certain times of the day. I learned the hard way that the drawer is not the optimum place to dry clothes. These drawers are made of metal and are not clean or new. The rust rubbed off on my clothes and I had to rewash them.

Still no mail and I don’t know how long it takes to receive my letters. This is a very large facility and each piece of mail that is sent and received is inspected. I must confess that I am looking forward to my first letter because I miss everyone so much. I have my good days and not so good days but I am trying. What I am trying to do is NOT think about what I have done to my family. This is so detrimental and unfortunately I do find my mind drifting from my reading. I start to look around and say, “How did I get here?” Well, I certainly know the answer to that question. I’m a compulsive gambler who ignored all the warning signs. I am not going to rehash old wounds and I am going to leave it at that. I will say today was not such a good day but I made it through and I will try once again tomorrow.

Odds and Ends

First of all, I must apologize if my writing seems a bit off or redundant. It seems a little more difficult to write in this dormitory because there are many distractions and it is very noisy. This may seem like an excuse because it is, but if anyone has noticed any inconsistencies in my writings over the course of last month this could be a reason.

Each inmate is given a counselor (I have not yet met mine, but I should meet this person in three or four more weeks) who helps determine where the inmate will be place at the next stop. Also, each inmate who is eligible for half-time (yes, I am eligible) is given a packet of materials to work on while he is in the processing center.

My typical day begins at 6:30 am with 500 push ups and situps before breakfast. I trade out my eggs and sausage for cereal or oatmeal. We receive a sack lunch to bring back to our bunks. Afterward, I go back to my bunk, brush my teeth, and read. I was very fortunate because my Bunkie had a copy of Harry potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I read about 300 pages of this book today and I must say today went very fast. Unfortunately, I have not read the first four books, but I have seen all the movies. I understand the story line and the characters but I can see all the books being better than the movies. Who would have thought I would be reading a Harry Potter book in a place like this? I guess prison isn’t what it used to be. Thank God for that.

Around 11:30 am, I do another 500 push-ups and then take a shower. I have mentioned before that I am not eligible to go the store for another few weeks which means I have no shampoo. However, there is a community box of toiletries available for all three races. I don’t have a comb and I am hesitant to borrow one. Most of the white inmates have shaved heads and have little use for a comb. Today is the first day that I have combed my hair in the past 10 days because Sundays are haircut days for the whites. I was able to borrow the barber’s comb which was soaking in an antiseptic solution. Otherwise, I just push my hair back with my fingers. I did get a trim around my ears and the back of my neck. As Most of you I got my haircut very short the day before my sentencing but compared to most other inmates my hair is long. Somewhere over the next two years I may just have someone shave it all off. No, not a bald look but a crew cut and hopefully by the time I get out it will all grow back. However, I am just not ready to part with my hair.

After taking a shower, I go back to my bunk and read some more until around 1:30 pm. At this time I prepare my lunch from the “sack”. Lately, it appears that everyone around me gives me their apple. This morning, after we were given our sack lunch, I had three apples waiting for me on my bunk. How does the old saying go? “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”. I wonder what eating four apples a day can do for you? In my sack lunch today was a bad of corn chips which I gave to my Bunkie. When I first saw the fritos, I thought of 8-year-old daughter. Fritos are her absolute favorite snack food. I saw the package and a smile came to my face instantly. She’s a little itty bitty thing, but if my wife or I gave her a large bag of the corn chips, she would eat the entire bag.
Dinner is usually served between 6:15 – 6:45. I always trade out my meal for more salad and vegetables that are served plain. I have to eat more salad here because I am having digestive problems. For fear of giving out too much info, I just say, ‘I sure hope this will pass.”

The lights go out at 11:00 pm, but we are allowed out in the dayroom to watch TV or play games. I usually turn in around 11:00 pm and think about all the good things in my life. This helps to block out all the noise and distractions. It also puts me in a good frame of mind prior to falling asleep. I would like to report that I sleep through the night but it would be a fib. I have always been a light sleeper and I don’t expect this to change over night. I do get up a few times during the night but I will say the nights are quieter here with everyone out in the open than when I was confined to a cell. There are no yells during the evening which makes it a little more tolerable.

Over the course of the day, I do talk to a few of the inmates. I do need to take a break from reading and writing and there is always a conversation to be found. The more I talk to the inmates the more I realize how fortunate I am. Many of these inmates are facing longer sentences and have been here before. They have lost families, friends, material belongings but they all seem to have a good attitude. They have more acceptance about their particular lot than I have and I learn something each day. I do know I am a blessed person with all the wonderful people in my life and again I thank everyone for all their thoughts and prayers. I can feel this positive energy each and everyday.

Communication Blackout

Today is Saturday and even though it is a weekend it is very much like any other day. The unfortunate part of this journey is I cannot receive any visits. I was fortunate to receive a visitor each visiting day at he county jail but visits here are not allowed. Additionally, telephone calls are not allowed and from what I hear, I will not be receiving mail for another 3-4 weeks. It really feels like a communication blackout. I wonder how my family and friends are doing?

I suspect I will be receiving some mail sooner as opposed to later and I will catch-up on the latest news. I haven’t received one piece of mail in the last 2 weeks because the last 2 days I was in the county jail, my mail must have been held up. I know of two letters that have been sent during this time which I did not receive so if anyone has sent me a letter and I have not responded, I apologize. These letters and telephone calls to my wife kept me going while I was in the county jail. Now I need to find a different outlet to pass the time.

Unfortunately, there are only a few things to do such as reading. I finished A PERFECT STORM by Sebastian Junger. The book was very different from the movie. Other things I can do is write which really keeps me going. I find myself keeping up with my journal on a nightly basis much as I did when I was on the outside (aka Streets). I do most of my writing in the evening usually around 9:00 pm. Before I start writing, I silently say good-night and I love you to my wife and children. I hope they feel my message even though they are 3000 miles away. I do like the fact that they are 3 hours ahead because their day seems faster than mine. This may not make any sense but knowing their day is faster, I feel I can be back with them even quicker. This is a mental trick and every little thing counts.

Many of the inmates play different games of cards which involve gambling. For obvious reasons, I stay far away from these games. They play for lunches, soups, and many other items. I am content to stay on my bunk and read or write. I have been asked to play and I respectfully decline. There are inmates who play chess and checkers and I have been asked to play as well. I would rather to keep to myself and I am always polite and respectful.

I have been fortunate to be placed where other inmates look out for me. They are very understanding of my situation and are giving me food. I have been given advice of what to do and what not to do. I pray to God I never have to do some of the “to-do’s” but at least I know what to expect. My bunkmate told me he is willing to listen if I needed to talk. This was said with all sincerity and he told me “I was good people”. An ironic flashback – the last time I was told this same thing was by a vice-president of the bank that turned me in long before my misdeeds were discovered. I thanked my Bunkie and meant it. As long as I am here, that is good situation.

My “new friends” have also given me paper and envelopes without me even asking. At this center, there is a store where I can buy various items, however, I won’t be eligible for this for another 2-3 weeks. Also, with all things considered, I should be here between 8-10 weeks so if I can get to the store once I should be okay.

It was very interesting this morning because it appears that Saturday is moving day. Transfers are made to other prisons (aka mainline). Today there are about 20 prisoners who are going to be transferred to the mainline. They were packing their belongings into a paper shopping bag (aka trash-packing). Anything other than their belongings gets thrown into the trash. This is much more organized than the transfer from the county jail. Here the inmates can take toiletries to the mainline along with all their personal mail. Someday – in the not too distant future – I too will be “trash-packing” and that will mean one step closer to being back with my family.

Yard Day

It is hard to believe that it has been one week since I arrived at the Reception Center. In the GA program we have a few sayings “Take it One Day at a Time” and “Be patient, don’t worry the days and weeks will pass soon enough and your recovery will really accelerate”. In a place like this I really just want to accelerate the days into weeks – into months – into years. Yes, I would like to fast forward ahead a few years so I can be with my family again.

It has only been a week and in some ways it seems longer. One week ago tonight, I was confined to a holding cell which seemed like an eternity, but I am no longer confined. I am moving through the system just like all the other inmates and I do look forward to these weeks turning into years. Patience is certainly a virtue and something I have come to accept. I do pray to God that my family has the same patience and know I miss them more than anything in the world. Once I get to the next stop there will be a real program and hopefully the days will fly by. Also, my children will start school shortly and their days will fly by. The inactivity is a difficult aspect of my incarceration. I just finished my 20th book, FOREVER AND ALWAYS by Jude Deveraux.

Today was Yard Day and I actually got to go outside and walk for the hour and a half. I was eligible for this because I had my ID card and wanted to go to walk the yard. It is interesting because “Yard” is mandatory for those under 35 years of age.

Over the past 17 years, I have had a very regimented workout schedule which consisted of weight and aerobic training. During this period of time, I have missed one week without working out, but it has been 38 days since I had a “real” workout. I miss this so much and as I was walking the yard it felt so good. I couldn’t run because of too many inmates being in the yard, but I was able to walk fast. In fact, there were a few other inmates who wanted to walk with me but they gave up after one lap because they couldn’t keep up. As I walked, each lap got faster and faster.

Yard days are Mondays and Fridays. I am looking forward to Monday. I felt so differently today than I have felt all week which is attributed to being outside and getting exercise. I need an exercise program in my life because it is another essential part of my recovery program. I do try to some type of exercise everyday, but it’s not much of a substitute for what I am used to. Again, this is temporary and I will get through it. Once I get through it, my life will start all over and this time I will try everything in my power not to screw it up.

As I was walking, there was one inmate who did keep up with me for a few laps. This inmate was only 21 years old and fortunately for him he is getting out in two weeks and going home. He had already served a year and a half at the county jail and a few months here. As we talked, I realized this young man is very scared because this is his second time in prison and doesn’t want to come back. I discovered he doesn’t have a clear plan to battle his addiction to drugs. He believes he can do it on his own and wants to focus on his 2 year old daughter. I wanted to shake him and tell him he doesn’t have to but that is not my style. I told him about my addiction to compulsive gambling and how I have battle it all my adult life. I also told him about receiving help from GA and how it saved my life. I told him that there are many programs available for drug addicts and to try to find one. The unfortunate part is that there is nothing magical I could say to save this young man. He will be in my thoughts as he embarks his journey back to society. I wish I had a crystal ball for this young man. I shared my story with him and I have no idea whether it made sense to him. But the more I share my story, the better I feel because it is a constant reminder of how far I have come. I am certainly not done and in fact, I have just begun this positive journey.

Model Prisoner

There are two items I forgot to mention. Yesterday was “razor-day”. That means it is the one day a week that we can shave with a disposable razor, unlike the county jail where I ordered and was also given a disposable razor upon arrival. Here, the correction officers control razors. We have to show our prison identification card to the officer in order to get one. When we are done with the razor, we must return it to the officer to get our ID card back. Those who do not follow this rule are written up by the officer.

In my opinion, write-ups are very bad and something I intend to stay away from as long as I am in prison. Write-ups can add more time to a sentence and can make the journey much more difficult. These can also prevent me from getting to a fire-camp which is my ultimate goal. I plan on being a “model prisoner” (if one actually exists) so I follow each rule and regulation very well.

In the county jail, some inmates broke down the disposable razor extracting the razor part and made deadly weapons. Deadly weapons in a confined space adds to my paranoia so it was good to see that they are controlled. I can deal with only shaving once a week in order to keep the deadly weapons from getting into the wrong hands. So far, from what I have seen, the security in here is much better than the county jail. This is not to say “things” don’t happen here because they do. The old saying, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” applies and hopefully I can steer clear of this will.

Yesterday afternoon at 1:00 pm, the prison shows a full-length motion picture on TV. Yesterday’s movie was Two for the Money which is incredibly ironic because the movie is about sports betting – the reason that I am incarcerated. I had seen this movie before. I didn’t really watch the movie; I continued reading my book, but there was a great scene where Al Pacino’s character, who is a recovering compulsive gambler, attends a GA meeting. I stopped reading and watched this five-minute scene where Pacino has a three-minute soliloquy. Anyway, he has a moving point in this scene and if you are going to see it, please pay careful attention to the meaning of his speech. Whoever wrote the scene understands gambling addiction at its core level. Yes, the scene is over the top, but it is very clear to me.

I was able to finish A LIGHT ON THE VERANDA. What I found fascinating was the history of Natchez, Mississippi. I have been there before on a business stopover and found it small and somewhat run-down. I stopped off in Natchez to see the Lady luck Casino riverboat. Surprisingly, I didn’t gamble – I just wanted to see how the casino was set-up. As most of you I was in the casino business for 12 years and went to different casinos for a better understanding of the industry. I remember this casino being very small and run-down. What I didn’t notice was the history surrounding this small town. My boss at the time told me about the history of Mississippi and I did visit a few sites. I didn’t really enjoy because at the time, all I cared about was getting from point A to point B. I never stopped to “smell the roses”. Even though I wasn’t gambling at the time, I was just existing.

Being in a place like this and being in recovery makes me realize that I want to be a participant in life and want to enjoy the journey. Who cares if it takes extra time. As long as I am living and experiencing life is what matters most to me.

When I do get out of this place and I get back to my family, I will enjoy every moment because I have no idea when it will all be taken away. The next few years are not the end but the beginning of something great. This may sound like rubbish but to me it means a great deal. I don’t know what is going to happen over the next few years and I don’t know where I will be living. What I do know is that I will be back to my family and enjoy each day as if it were the last. I owe my family so much and I intend to “pay” them back by being there each step of the way.

I am sure why but I felt very depressed again right after dinner. I think it has to do with the time of finishing dinner which is the same time we as a family would finish. There is sadness that hits my brain and I really cannot explain it. The pre-season football game between the Giants and Chiefs were on TV and maybe knowing my family is 20 minutes away made me sad. I really don’t know because there are so many reminders during the day but this one hit me again as it did yesterday. I must accept and remind myself that this is a temporary situation. According to the inmates I have spoken to, the reception center is the most difficult because of the inactivity and down time. There are jobs available but they are on an as needed basis. At the next stop there are regular jobs that make the days go faster.

I received more information about the fire camps and maybe I shouldn’t put much stock in them because after all, my attorney did state I should get placed into one. I think I have outlined my attorney’s record for being correct which is not so good. I am hoping he is right about this. However, from all the reports I have received I should be eligible as long as I pass the physical and written tests. Who knows what will happen? Therefore, I must concentrate on today and all the wonderful people in my life. Please know I miss everyone so very much and time will pass soon enough.

Diagnostics

Sleeping last evening was more difficult than the previous evening. I am not sure why, but being confined to the bunk all day may have something to do with it along with the fact that the bunk really isn’t all that comfortable. It is very hard (my Dad probably would like it) and finding a comfortable position is very difficult. I woke up early and didn’t have a book to read so I did my push ups and sit ups between bunks out of site of the correction officers. I know during the day many inmates exercise without any problems, but again my emphasis is to keep a low profile and stay off the radar. But I needed to do something and I was able to complete my repetitions.

Breakfast is served a little after 7:00 am and I traded my sausage for an additional helping of farina. After breakfast, we are given a sack lunch which contains a package of tuna fish. Much to my surprise the tuna fish is wrapped in a vacuum pack and is plain. I can add another meal to my list along with the peanut butter. It appears that I should be okay during my stay for the next 3 months so I won’t starve.

My expectations are very low in terms of when I get moved and when I am put through the system because of my past experiences. The first official step here is a battery of psychological, dental, and medical testing. From my discussions I ascertained that these tests are usually administered in the first few days. Not counting Saturday and Sunday, this is my fourth business day. I didn’t want to put any expectations on when I would be given these tests because as I mentioned my expectations are very low.

Much to my surprise I was called to the front and told to follow the other inmates. I wasn’t specifically told where to go and didn’t want to ask the corrections officers since they get cranky when asked too many questions and as I said, I wanted to stay under the radar so I remained silent. This proved to be a minor mistake because I got in the wrong line even though in the back of my mind I knew I should be in “Diagnostics” and not “Testing”. A different correction officer pointed out my faux pas and directed me to the proper line.

The first test was a dental exam that proved to be somewhat ironic in a place like this since most of the inmates are missing teeth. This is due to the drug use which destroys the teeth. I am one of the very few who have all their teeth. I went into the 10x10 exam room. The dentist was impressed by my dental work and told me that someone did very good work and to keep those teeth. He reassuringly tapped my shoulder. I told him that I will do my best. The next stop was the psychological test. I’m not sure if the person was a psychologist or just someone filling in. I entered the small room and sat at what appeared to be a classroom desk. The person asked me if this was my first time to prison to which I replied, “Yes”. He asked me what I was in for and I told him embezzlement. Then he asked how much time I got and replied, “Four years”. He asked, “At half-time?” I answered, “Yes”. He said that’s not too bad; do you feel like killing yourself? I assured him that I didn’t and he said, “You’re probably just kicking yourself and asking how all this happened?” I told him that I was taking it one step at a time. Next, he administered the exam which consisted of him giving me a verb and matching it to the corresponding picture. He asked me four questions that took 25 seconds in total for me to answer and then he told me I was done.

Next it was on to the medical tests. First, a nurse took my weight – 140 pounds, height – 5’10”, eye test – 20/20. After this I went to another nurse who took my blood pressure which was 106/67. The final test was for cholesterol that has to get sent out. This is a key number which will make me eligible for Fire Camp. Hopefully, it will be in an acceptable range (it darn well better be) so I can participate in this program.

I have stated this before, but my goal is to get into this program for two reasons: one – it’s hard work but it means I am doing something constantly; two – it reduces my sentence form 50% to 35%. This is significant because I could possibly be out by my daughter’s 10th birthday and my son’s 7th birthday. This is in the future and I shouldn’t get ahead of myself, but I do need something to look forward to and it is difficult not to look ahead.

The final stay was with the medical doctor. He took my history and asked pertinent questions. She listened to my heart and I was done. All told the testing process took 2 ½ hours, however, the actual testing took no more than seven minutes. Lots of waiting around, but it was good to be outside even though the temperature was in the mid 90’s. It was great to feel the sun on my face.

I was finally done and headed back to my building. I was able to obtain two more books. I started A LIGHT ON THE VERANDA by Ciji Ware. At this point I will read just about anything. I am starting to understand how some authors are just better writers than others. It’s hard to believe that I have read as many books as I have, but if I didn’t I would only have thoughts and that would be bad.

Before dinner tonight, there was another negotiation with the same inmate as last night. Tonight the main entrée was a chicken leg that I traded for salad, mixed vegetable, and potatoes. This is really working out well and this inmate was also going to give me his ice cream sandwich. I told him that I didn’t want it much to the dismay of the inmates sitting at the table. After I turned it down, they told me to take it next time so one of them can have it. I guess I am being a little too nice with my food but I will learn.

After dinner, we are allowed to watch SUPERNOVA on TV which is a very popular show here. This is the show much like American Idol but on this show they are looking for a lead singer to front a new Super Rock Band. The only reason I bring this up is because this is the last television show that my wife and I watched before I went away. It was odd to see many of the inmates interested in this program. All I can think of was my beautiful wife and how I haven’t spoken to her in a week. We knew there wouldn’t be telephone conversations for at least 30 days, but it appears there won’t be any while I’m at this processing center. There are no telephones anywhere and no one makes phone calls even those inmates who have been here 5 and 6 months.

I haven’t received any letters since I left the county jail. I guess it takes a few weeks for the mail to catch up and I do miss all those letters. I also miss reading the newspaper, but here there aren’t any available. I will keep writing my daily journal because it helps so very much.

After dinner and before Super Nova came on, I felt very depressed and sad. I don’t know what triggered the sadness, but I had an overwhelming urge to cry so I thought about all the wonderful things in my life, most notably Monica, Lauren, and Jonathan and I started to write. Of course, this place is very depressing but I must accept my fate for the next few years. If I keep fighting it, I will have more depressive episodes. I don’t want to end up in the Psyche Ward and I hope I have enough of a foundation in my recovery to overcome these episodes.

I do know had I not entered the GA program 1 ½ years ago – this part – being separated from my family would have been even harder. There are times when I do feel extremely bad, but I have a few “tricks” to get past the depression and one of them is to do what I am doing now ~ writing. I have no idea if anyone out there gets anything out of this blog, but I do know that it is saving my life. Without being able to get the thoughts out of my head, I would be completely lost. Now I feel much better and will return to my romance novel.

Breathe

Trying to get back consistency which appears to be an elusive trait on this journey, I did wake up and go to sleep in the same bunk. This is a good thing because I am yet again adjusting to a new environment. Today we were on lockdown which means we are confined to our bunks. We can only move to go to the bathroom and for meals.

I am not sure what caused this lockdown, but there was no shortage of rumors. One of the rumors had an inmate being killed in a nearby building. Of course, learning this is never good for my psyche, but I am trying to roll with it the best I can. Another rumor was that they are putting in another new building to house the special needs inmates.

I am confined to the top bunk with 143 other inmates in one building with no individual cells. When I walked in yesterday, there were inmates roaming about everywhere because there was not a lockdown. However, today was the complete opposite. Inmates stayed in their imaginary cell. Thank goodness I was able to obtain a book, 3rd Degree by James Patterson which I finished in the morning. The book was very good and this was my first James Patterson novel.

I was also able to obtain another book (my 28th since being in custody – July 12th) SOLE SURVIVOR by Dean Koontz. I have heard a lot about this author and was very interested in reading something by him. Because we were on lockdown, I was able to start and finish today. It was a very good book and this author definitely has a dark side. I know there are more books by him floating around so I am fairly sure I will read more of his novels.

I have been in custody a little over a month and I have read 18 books. Unfortunately, there is little else to do. Other then doing my pushups and sit-ups in the morning there is little else to do. Yes, I do have some conversations with the inmates near my bunk but sometimes their conversations are difficult for me because other than the fact I am incarcerated and committed a felony just like everyone else here, I have not a whole lot in common. Most of the times when I join a conversation, I am trying to find out information.

It appears, and I don’t know the exact statistics of this building, but it seems most of the inmates have been here at least one other time if not more. I remember reading a statistic that stated that 65% of all inmates in the California Prison System are here on parole violation. This means the inmates had served at last one previous term. I pray to God each day that this does not happen to me. This is a one-time huge catastrophic mistake and I will continue to do everything in my power not to come back to this awful place.

Before I was transferred to this building, I had asked my previous cellmate a question that I sort of knew the answer to, but I wanted to hear his answer. I asked him since this was his second time coming back to prison, and knowing that it is a debilitating, humiliating, dehumanizing experience, why would you do everything in your power not to come back? He struggled with this question, but after a few minutes he told me he had forgotten about the consequences because his drug addiction overwhelmed his choices. I can completely understand this which is why I need the GA program. In this program, I constantly need to remind myself that I am a compulsive gambler so I will never forget the pain that I have caused my family and myself. I firmly understand that I will get no more chances from my wife and family. If I slip, it is all gone which is why I need to work the program each day. Unfortunately, there is no GA program right now, but on the same token I am living the nightmare daily. There is no denying the consequences of my actions while I am here.

Each day when I wake up and don’t see my wife next to me, I am reminded of my horrible choices. The hardest thing for me is to not beat myself and move forward. Over the past month I have felt stuck even though I am going through the process. It maybe because there is so much down time and I can only do so much reading. I have a hard time breathing in a place like this because I am constantly reminded of my awful mistakes. I can look forward to the day when I can breathe normally again which is the day I am back with my family. Again, this is a temporary situation and in a few years all this will be behind me. However, I can never forget or I will be just like my cellmate and have a lost life.

I did speak more with my cellmate regarding this subject and found out he has tried and unfortunately failed 28 times in rehabilitation! I did tell him what worked for me was to apply the principles of the GA program in my daily life. I went on to tell him that one of these principles is “to play the tape all the way through.” This means for me to think about where that one “innocent” bet would lead. For me, there isn’t one that is “innocent”, but one that leads to many others which lead to destruction. This is why I pray to God everyday to keep me away from that first bet. After I was done speaking, I told my cellmate to apply this thinking to his drug use and when he gets out on the streets to think about what happens next after his first use and to find a drug program. He told me (I find this hard to believe) that he never thought of it this way and he thanked me. I don’t know if this small conversation will help him, but I know it helped me.

I will close today’s passage with a story about my eating habits and how this maybe a positive. Being a vegetarian should be kept “a little secret” with the inmates who don’t know. One of the inmates who knows the “little secret” is a worker who helps give out the dinner meals. He came up to me with a proposal. He would give me his (??-can’t make out the word) vegetable, lima beans, dry, no butter, salad, brown rice for the sloppy joes on my tray. Of course, I said, “YES!” In fact, this is the most hot food I have had in over a month. I couldn’t finish it all at dinner. Fortunately, I was able to take the rice and beans back to my bunk for a snack later on. Who knows, maybe this vegetarian thing will work out afterall!