Writing Day

I finished another novel today by Patricia Cromwell – SOUTHERN CROSS. Her previous novel, HORNET’S NEST was certainly not one of my favorites. However, I cannot be choosey, I have to read whatever is available. I have heard a great many reviews of her novels but my patience is definitely wearing thin. So far, of the two books, I would not recommend either one. Maybe I can run across one of her other novel with Kay Scarpetta being the main character. I understand that series is very good. Oh well, there are a few John Grisham novels floating around and maybe I can get my hands on one of those.

In addition to finishing the novel, I embarked on my writing quest. It is my pledge that as long as I have a pen or pencil, writing paper, envelopes, and stamps, I will respond to each and every letter. I finished writing seven today and I have two more to go. Even though writing with a pen is somewhat painful (I literally have writer’s cramp) the positives exceed this minor pain. In each letter that I received there is so much love and support. I know there are inmates in here who are envious of the letters I received because they do not have anyone in their lives. I do not flaunt my mail. In fact, I try to keep to myself as much as possible but it is hard when the inmates see me hour after hour and all I am doing is writing. Practically, everyone who is around my bunk thinks all the letters and all the writing I do is “cool”. They understand that it is great to have support because it makes the time go by that much quicker.

As I composed each letter, I thought how fortunate I am. I most certainly did an awful thing to my family and myself to which I am paying the consequences. However, even though I did an awful/illegal thing, I am not viewed as a bad person. I also do not view myself or think of myself as bad; I am in no way condoning my actions. What I did was wrong – plain and simple – it wasn’t done out of malice or spite. It was done to satisfy my addiction which I must keep in mind each and everyday so I don’t go back to these behaviors. This is why I am committed to my recovery.

Earlier today I was having a discussion with another inmate about my compulsive gambling addiction. As I have outlined before there is a great deal of gambling here in prison and I must be diligent to stay in recovery. As I spoke with inmate who suffers from a drug addiction asked if I was cured. I guess I gave the impression that I have come to terms with my addiction by being in recovery and I may have given him the wrong impression. After he asked me if I was cured, I went into the I am NEVER cured dialogue. I wanted to get the point across that my gambling addiction is a lifelong illness and as long as I stay in recovery, my life will continue to get better. But if I go back to my old ways, my life is over. I certainly don’t want to do that.

I don’t go around preaching, I only talk about my addiction when asked. I am not one of those people who give advice for the sake of giving advice. All my conversations are specific to my addiction, not to anyone else’s. I am in no way a professional counselor nor do I intend to come across as one which is why I have to take care of myself first and foremost in order to recover properly. I don’t want to get caught up in someone else’s problems. How does that saying go? “Don’t borrow trouble.” I have enough trouble with myself, I don’t need anymore.

Today marked my second “trash-packing” Saturday, which is the day those inmates who are moving on, pack their personal items in a brown shopping bag. Last night, the assignments are announced by the correction officer. The air is filled with anticipation because presumably none of the inmates know exactly where they are being sent nor do they know when they are departing. It sort of felt like Christmas morning as a child with all the presents under the tree. When the announcements were over, the tension left the dormitory which marked one more week for many inmates.

I guess what this all means is that I won’t know until the Friday of next week if I am being sent to the next stop. Most inmates are transferred on Mondays. The only way I can communicate with my family and friends as to what my next destination would be is by a letter. This will probably take a week before anyone knows where I will be sent. Then again I understand the California Dept of Corrections website is very informative and most of you will probably know where I am being sent before I do. There seems to be plenty of time for this because one of the inmates who is being transferred next week has been here since April.

Of course, there is always the possibility I can stay here for 15 weeks as this inmate did but there are special circumstances surrounding this placement. He has medical issues which means his options of prisons are limited. I, on the other hand do not have any medical issues (by the grace of God, I won’t) so my options are unlimited. I do look forward to hearing my name announced some Friday evening in the not too distant future.