Paranoia Part Two

August 7, 2006


As the start of another week as I get closer to four weeks from my sentencing date, I was hoping for the earlier morning call instructing me of my transfer to State Prison but it did not happen. There was an inmate who was sentenced this past Thursday and was sent to State Prison last evening. According to other inmates this person was sentenced “forth with” which means immediately and again according to these same inmates this is the preferable and quickest way to go. I am fairly certain my Judge did not mention “forth with” when rendering my sentence. Hopefully this does not mean I have to spend half of my term in the County Jail because this would make matters worse. Last evening and earlier today, I wrote two letters, one to my attorney and one to my good friend. In each letter I asked the same thing which was my need of assistance ensuring my transfer to State Prison. The letters may have sounded needy because quite frankly they were but I am just about at my wits end. I know there that doesn’t destroy us (me) makes us (me) stronger. I could do without the destruction for more construction. Over the past 17 months I have constructed my life in recovery and it has felt so good. I have never had as much peace and serenity in my life while positively working my recovery. However, over these almost four weeks my peace and serenity has been eroded. Now paranoia and uncertainty have started to creep in.

While working my recovery I worked the Gamblers Anonymous Program to the best of my ability. Now I still try to work the program everyday but there is an essential part of the program missing which are meetings. No matter how many dear friends from the GA Program visit me nothing can replace a real meeting. I miss reading the Combo Book, “A Day at a Time” and the “Red Book”, but what I miss the most is the therapy/sharing portion of the meeting. It is not so much my sharing but it would be nice because God knows I have a great deal on my mind (which is why I am writing), it is the sharing of others. Invariably someone says something in their sharing which always hits home with me, I miss this so very much. By really listening to a fellow compulsive gambler, I always learn something about myself.

I have to constantly tell myself this is only temporary and it will pass. I don’t want to wallow in self-pity and self-doubt. I want to move forward and continue being a better person. Right now I am maintaining because my biggest need is survival. I need to survive this temporary situation to the best of my ability. Obviously, I have never been in a situation like this before nor do I ever want to be in this position again. I am not sure if there was anything other than enrolling in a military boot camp that I could have done to prepare for this particular situation, but I am trying my best.

Prior to lunch there was another “incident” but this incident was more covert than the other two over the weekend. The “incident” was less offensive than the prior ones but it didn’t help my paranoia. It was, however, interesting to see the after effects. The after effects were like two prize fighter hugging and congratulating each other after the fight. All the bad blood was gone and everyone would be friends again. Hopefully, this is the last “incident” here. I don’t expect it to the last incident I will witness but hopefully I will always be a witness as opposed to a participant in any future incidents.