Let There Be Light

August 1st – 5th

Each day is remarkably the same as the previous one. In fact I have to ensure that I receive the daily newspaper so I can actually check to see if the date has changed. Tuesday night is the delivery of the commissary items and now I am an active participant. I didn’t want to waste any money on these items because I thought I could be transferred any day. Now the thought of being transferred has lost some of its thunder because I have been here three weeks. I know I will be transferred someday but I need to live each day as one day at a time.

Living one day at a time is a key ingredient in my recovery and now I have come to the realization that living a day at a time is the key to my surviving the next two years. I need to digress a little on the two years. Even though I have received a four year sentence, I have been told (which doesn’t necessarily mean it is correct) that I have to serve half of that sentence before I will be eligible for parole. I have also heard (again I don’t know if it’s correct) that my time here in the county jail is not exactly part of the two years. This means that my time here is not being credited the same way as the state prison. Each day I spend in state prison counts as two days towards my sentence. However, each day I spend here counts as 1-½ days. I have no idea why there would be a difference but apparently there is. For every three days I stay here, I am losing one day toward my two-year term. There is a distinct possibility that I can serve more than 2 years before being released. Hopefully, I will find the answer to this at Processing Center.

Back to commissary night~ I have found my niche for food so for those of you who are concerned about my eating, please stop worrying. Now that I know that I am not eligible for a special meal because I am healthy, I have found food that should supply me with the necessary nutrients. In addition to eating cereal, along with the fruits and breads served with the daily meals, I have ordered peanut butter, peanuts, trail mix, rice and vegetable soup. After dinner is served, I make myself either a vegetable soup or a cup of rice. This not only fills my stomach but also provides some vitamins. After I finish this I will eat a handful of peanuts for protein. Additionally, in the afternoon I will have peanut butter for more protein. I will not waste away and the fact that I am not doing any aerobic activity, I may actually put on weight. (Didn’t want to interject ‘cause it is his blog, but I just have to! You all know what I mean? THREE LOUD CHEERS FOR MORE WEIGHT!!!!!)

Enough of the food. Here is an interesting story about wrong impressions. I was taking a shower and before I go into the story I must dispel some rumors about the prison showers. There are four individual shower stalls. Two of the stalls are located on the bottom level and the other two are on the top level. There is a door that locks on the inside and all the inmates make it a point that one person uses the shower at a time No there are no group showers and it feels relatively safe. There aren’t any hot or cold-water faucets, just a button which releases the water through the showerhead. For the most past it is a hot shower but once the button is pressed you get what you get. The water stays on between 3-5 minutes depending on the shower stall-some are longer-some are stronger. But once the shower stops and I push the button again for another 3-5 minute cycle. We can stay as long as we want but when people are waiting, it is good to get done sooner as opposed to later.

There you have the shower background, now back to the story. I had finished, dried myself off, dressed, gathered my belongings and went downstairs. The officer announced that it was time to go back to our cells because the hour was up, I retreated back to my cell and started to put away my shower items. As I was putting these away I realized I left my bottle of shampoo in the shower stall. Now we were in a lockdown status which means no one is allowed to leave his cell. I had no way of going back upstairs to see if my shampoo was still there. In fact, as I thought about it I was one of the first ones to get into the shower so I thought my shampoo was as good as gone. This was only the second time I used that shampoo so the bottle was fairly full. I spoke with my cellmate and he told me I should ask one of the trustees if he could locate my missing bottle of shampoo.

When the lockdown was over, the top tier was let out for their hour of dayroom time. I saw one of the trustees and called him over to explain what had happened and he told me he would try to find it. I thought I had no chance because after all, I am in jail with people who like myself have committed crimes. They like myself would not be considered the most honest people so if someone found a full bottle of shampoo, they would most likely keep it. I was completely WRONG! The trustee located the person who found it in the shower. The shampoo was returned to me by a very nice “God-Fearing” inmate. He told me that he was not going to hold up the bottle of shampoo and ask who it belongs to because he had done that before and at least four inmates tried to claim it as their own. He was very apologetic to me because he didn’t return it sooner. I told him there was no reason for him to feel that way; I was just happy someone found it and did the right thing.

For the most part, there are good people in this place who are doing the right things now. They may have (just like me) made mistakes in their pasts but are now trying their best to be honest people. My impression about not having the bottle of shampoo returned was way off base and I am disappointed in myself to have thought this. I need to work on this and have more faith in people especially in a place like this. I am happy I was wrong and I am happy to continue to learn more about myself.

After seven weeks of not having any lights in the cell, we finally have them! All day the electricians worked on the lights which meant we were confined to our cells. We were only allowed out for lunch but no other time. I was happy to see the electrician and as he worked, he recognized what the problem was right away. Why it took seven weeks to figure this out, I have no idea. He found the problem was a short in the connector cables due to a faulty cable. The electrician couldn’t understand why such shoddy cable was used because if a standard one was used he would not have had the problem. I guess when they were building the place eight years ago (it seems older than that on the inside) cost may have been an issue, so why not cut corners? It is only inmates that are being affected so who would care?

I don’t mean this as malicious; it is only how I feel. Apparently, the cable that was installed while building this complex was inferior. Over the course of eight years, either the mice ate the cable or it just wore out. The electrician did fix the lights, however, he ran out of time and had to come back the next day. As I stated earlier, half the cells had no light and the other half did. Even the cells that had lights went dark when the electrician left for the day. My cell was one of the eight that had lights.

When the light went on, the cell looked very different in the bright light. The walls went from an off peach color to a pink and the dirt was very noticeable. Before, with the lights not working, the cell did not appear that dirty, but once the lights went on the illusion of the cell being somewhat clean quickly diminished.

The light is made up of two fluorescent tubes, three feet long which provides plenty of light for the cell. In fact, because I reside on the top bunk and the light is only three feet away, it feels like a tanning bed. Around midnight, the two fluorescent lights are turned off in favor of a 75-watt bulb. The light stays on throughout the evening until 5:00 am when the fluorescent lights are turned on as a wake-up call for breakfast.

This first night with having a light on while going to sleep was a bit of an adjustment. I went from total darkness to virtually lying on a tanning bed to having a 75-watt bulb staring at me while I slept. For obvious reasons, we do not have access to a light switch but oh, how I have taken for granted the simple comforts of home like turning off a lamp before going to bed and having natural sunlight shine through a real window as I awake. I do like the fact that I can now read and write in my cell after 7:30 pm but sleeping with the lights on is going to take some getting used to.

Tonight with most of the cells dark, the “lights out” noises were plentiful. Typically, on a given night after the lights go off, there is some “dialogue” (for lack of a better term) between the inmates. Tonight the dialogue was between the usual suspects and more. Some of the “dialogue” I can understand, but most of it I cannot. It usually starts as insults from one cell to the next and escalates to howling. It usually dies down after a few minutes but tonight it lasted much longer. This didn’t matter because I had light so I could read – sleeping is another story.

I finished my 11th book KING OF GREY by Richard Knaak. As I mentioned previously, I will read any book just to pass the time and this book filled that category. The book certainly was not my favorite nor would it be something I would normally read. It is somewhat a science fiction/supernatural thriller about birds taking over humans to rule their kingdom. I had a hard time with the book because as I was reading it, I became acutely aware that I am not a visual person. I had a difficult time picturing the supernatural characters. I am more of an auditory person which may explain why I had such a hard with geometry as opposed to chemistry. In geometry, I had such a difficult time with shapes, sizes area, quadrants, etc while in chemistry; I had no problems with formulas. Yes, there are formulas in geometry but the spaces always threw me off. I know I am going off on a tangent (no pun intended) but as I was reading this crazy book, I started to think how I see things when I read which is very literal. I could not get into the characters because my literal translation of them was very disjointed. I did finish the book and was very happy to find a Tom Clancy novel, OP-CENTER-ACTS OF WAR available.

Tom Clancy is a tremendous writer/creator and has a whole series based on OP-CENTER. I read OP-CENTER MIRROR IMAGE earlier and fortunately for me this novel is the next one in the series. The main characters are essentially the same so it was a pleasant continuation of the previous novel. The book was written in 1997 and had some very early foreshadowing of real life events which took place in 2001 and also currently taking place now. I think Tom Clancy would make an excellent Secretary of State or Secretary of Defense. Even though his stories are fiction, some of the writings are based on actual events which gave me goose bumps when I thought about real life events that have taken place subsequent to the book being written. I am glad that I discovered this series because it not only makes the day and now the night go faster, it is another silver-lining in this dark cloud which surrounds me.

I did finish this book (#12) on Thursday and found yet another OP-CENTER book by Tom Clancy, OP-CENTER LINE OF CONTROL. There appears to be a gap in the series between these two books, but it really doesn’t matter because any reference made to previous story is detailed completely.

It is Thursday, visiting day. I have been very fortunate to a visit every visiting day and today was no exception. My good friend from the GA program who visited me last Thursday came again today. I have only known this person for 3 months and in that time we really have gotten to know each other. Had I been sentenced in April, I would not have met this person and I am very fortunate I can now call this person a friend. Everything does happen for a reason.

We spent the entire hour dissecting gambling careers. This was like a GA meeting on steroids (??) without the Conbo (??) book. I may not have GA meetings readily available, but I am making the most of the visits I have with my dear GA friends. I also may not have the GA literature available (which I dearly miss) but I am trying to get my daily GA Fix through these visits. I do look forward to Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays.

After my visit, I found out from my wife through my incredible brother-in-law my state prison paperwork has been completed. He knows more about my case than anyone else including my attorney. I was very happy to hear the paperwork is complete. (Thank you so very much, Doug!) At least it hasn’t gotten lost, and maybe within the next 2 weeks I will be transferred to the State Prison Processing Facility.

Once I am transferred to the processing facility, I can no longer receive visits nor can I make any telephone calls for the first 30 days. If I am transferred within the next week or two, this means I will not have any contact with anyone on my 41st birthday. This is yet another consequence in a long line of consequences brought on by my compulsive gambling. It really is okay because it means I am one step closer to being back with my family. I know my daughter will be disappointed because she keeps asking me if I will call her on my birthday. I keep telling her I will try. I am sure my wife will explain and everything will be all right.

The electrician finished up and all the lights were fixed in all but two of the cells. For some reason, the cells on the far right on top and bottom are still without lights. It maybe another seven weeks before they are fixed. I had to look a few times to discover the lights were not working in these two cells which are on the opposite end from my cell. At least whoever is in there, will not have to contend with the glaring night light, but they will have to contend with the seemingly never-ending night which starts around 7:30 pm and lasts till 6:15 am the next morning.

Thursday evening also brought commissary once again so I restocked my essentials. Commissary is passed out by one of the trustees who stands at the front of the common area (dayroom) where he receives the bag from the “commissary lady” who is on the outside of the dayroom. The trustee then calls out the last name of the inmate. When his name is called out, he goes to the area and shows the “commissary lady” his bracelet. On each bracelet is bar code, photograph, name, birth date, and the race of the inmate. The bracelets are delineated by color ~ blue-for protective custody (this is where I am housed) white-for general population, red-for really bad guys who don’t associate with anyone. There maybe more colors that I am not aware of. The name on the bracelet is verified to the name on the commissary bag and then it is given to the inmate. The trustee had previously tried to pronounce my last name and now has given up. Hence, I am known as “White Paul”! I guess it could have been much worse. I did get a good laugh out of it and so did the trustee.

Friday is the only day that there is nothing extra or special going on. Monday has recreation. Tuesday has commissary. Wednesday has clothing exchange (white only).. Thursday has visits. Saturday has clothing exchange (all clothes and sheets) and visits. Sunday has visits. Typically, on Friday night we are let out of our cells for two hours as opposed to our normal one-hour. Tonight was no exception; during the first hour I paced the thirty-seven steps across and back through the common area. The second hour, I watched some movie with Sara Michelle Gellar on TV. T really is very difficult to hear the television, but at least it passes the time and I am learning to lip read.

As I was watching this movie with my cellmate and a few others something happened which brought the serious reality of my consequences forward. I will not go into specifics but I will day I was not at all comfortable with my situation. Nothing happened to me nor was I in any immediate danger. As the event took place, my heart elevated considerably and all I could do is remember the words my wife had said to me on the telephone a few hours ago, “Stay safe.” I was safe, but I didn’t feel safe for the first time in three and a half weeks.

I shouldn’t feel safe because I am in jail and from here I go to state prison. No matter how respectful everyone appears to be or how cordial, there are some very bad people in this place. If I look strange at someone or if someone overhears something indiscreetly, things can get very bad because this is jail. By the way, I found out the distinction between jail and prison – jail is short term and prison is long term.

It took awhile for my heart rate to come down and I suspect this won’t be the last tiem heart accelerates, but I must be strong. This is my fate caused by my actions and I must deal with each consequence accordingly. I have every reason to believe everything will be okay, but I must not lose focus of the fact that I an in jail/prison and I must stay safe. I must stay safe so I can be with my family for a lifetime. This is a short-term journey. What matters most is those three people who are currently residing in New Jersey, when I look forward to the day that I can give them a big hug and a kiss!

I had difficulty sleeping – not because of what happened – but because of the light. First, it is a “tanning booth” then it is an “interrogation room” with the one loan bulb staring in my eyes. I did, however, finish my 13th book (who’s counting? I guess I am) Tom Clancy’s OP-CENTER LINE OF CONTROL. The great thing about reading for me is I forgot all about where I am and the writing is so good that I actually felt that I was in the Himalaya Mountains with the characters. I think this is the last book of the series available here. Somewhere down the line, I would like to read the other books in the series and it appears I should have plenty of time to accomplish this in the coming years.

I finally drifted off to sleep and before I knew it, I heard the 5:00 am breakfast call. I got up and did some push-ups (I really don’t count anymore, but I know it is over 500) while I waited to go out for breakfast. After breakfast was the same as usual – more push-ups, brushed my teeth, and caught a nap. The nap didn’t last long because shortly after 7:30 am, the call came for clothing exchange. We are instructed to strip the bunk and all our clothes where we drop them off in the common area. Those of us (me) who are turning in our boxers must wrap the blanket around our waists.

It is odd to see that not many other inmates choose to turn in their boxers. In fact, I would say about 80% keep them. We are able to exchange our boxers on Wednesday, as well. But for me – someone who has always had a clean pair of underwear on everyday before entering this place – it is hard to imagine only changing my underwear once or twice a week.

Now it was time to wait for the officers to inspect our cells. Last week it took an hour for the officers to come. Today it took two hours. I waited patiently with the itchy wool blanket wrapped around my waist. I finally received my new clothes and after receiving these, we all file outside in the recreation yard and put on our clothes.

It was absolutely beautiful outside with a clear blue sky through the mesh netting. The temperature was in the 70’s with the sun beating down. I have not been able to go outside for the past two weeks, so I wanted to stay as long as possible soaking up the sun’s rays. Yet, another thing I have taken for granted. Yes, I know barring any unforeseen cataclysmic activity the sun will come up, but seeing it and enjoying it is another story. It felt great for the few minutes I was outside.

As I was getting my clothes, I saw an officer who processed me three and a half weeks ago. He was very nice to me then and I have seen him every Saturday at the clothing exchange. He always asks me how I am doing and my replay as always is, “Okay, how are you?” He says fine, thank you. That is the extent of our conversation. It is very cordial and the officer is very pleasant. I noticed that the officer didn’t appear to speak with any other inmates except for me. I really didn’t think anything of it until I was outside getting dressed with the other inmates. A fellow inmate asked if I knew that officer. I said no, “He was just being polite.” The other inmate then asked me if I had been an officer or worked with the officers to which I replied, “No, again we were just being polite to one another.”

Before arriving here, I was given a quick lesson on the do’s and don’ts of prison life. One of those “don’t” was “don’t get too friendly with the officers or the other inmates may resent it.” I had no idea having a two sentence conversation with an officer could be construed as being too friendly, but apparently it can be. This same inmate came up to me again about an hour later after I was getting out of the shower and asked me again if I worked as an officer. I tried the best I could to downplay the conversation, but this inmate is going to believe what he wants to believe. That is why it is entirely up to me to “stay safe.”

After this quick conversation, I was being called for a 1:00 pm visit. Again, I am fortunate enough to get one visit per visiting day. When I enter the room, I don’t know who will be joining me for a visit so it is always a nice surprise to see a person I know walk through the door. I was shocked to see my same GA friend who visited me on Thursday, walk through the door today. My friend wanted to make sure I received a visit from someone so he checked the list and saw that there was no one here to see me. We had another great visit/therapy session and it made my afternoon go by that much faster. My friend was right; if he didn’t visit me, I would not have received a visit from anyone today. I am so blessed to have such great friends.

Dinner this evening was the one meal I could eat more than one item. The dinner consisted of rice, bean, onions, broccoli, and cornbread. Unfortunately, the beans had chunks of meat in them or I could have actually eaten it but I settled on the rice and cornbread. My cellmate was kind enough to give me his cornbread and rice in exchange for his beans. After finishing the meal, I was full which meant I didn’t need my own rice or vegetable soup after the meal. It was nice to taste hot food (the rice) with my dinner. Oh, the simple things in life.

After dinner, I fully expected to be confined to the cell for the night. The last three Saturdays had all the inmates confined to the cells for the power outages and I think lower officer levels on Saturdays to save on overtime. However, again I was wrong. We were let out of our cells for an hour this evening. I walked the entire hour which felt very good!
Toward the end of the hour, one of the inmates who was upstairs motioned to me to come up. This was the same inmate who asked me if I was affiliated with the officer earlier in the day. I couldn’t ignore him so I went upstairs. He was talking with another inmate who wanted to know what my charges were. I told him and this inmate’s cellmate said he read about me in the paper. I am sure what that was all about but they asked me again if I was affiliated with the police (officer) and again I assured them that I was not. Good thing for me, there was one other inmate who was there and I had spoken to him before. He told me not to worry about anything because I was an “okay” guy.

It appears my low profile appearance is slowly being broken down. Hopefully, within the next week or less I will be transferred to the next stop where I can pursue my anonymity all over again. I don’t feel like I am in any danger and even if I were, I couldn’t tell anyone because that would make matters worse. Yes, it is time to move on, pay my debt to society and get back to my family.

For some reason, there was no yelling or screaming when the lights went out this evening. Maybe everyone was exhausted because it was eerily quiet. This was a nice change of pace. It didn’t expedite my sleep because of the light and the fact that the officers seem to check the cells every hour on the hour which causes a loud bang when the exterior door is opened. I know my cellmate said I would get used to the noise at night, but I doubt it. I have always been a light sleeper and I don’t expect anything to change now. It is another thing I must deal with on a temporary basis.

With any fortune, my next entry should be from the next stop. There is an interim stop before getting to the State Prison Processing Center. I should be at this interim stop four or five days, then it is on to the Processing Center. I am more than ready to move on and I will be a little disappointed if I am not transferred this week, but I do know this is completely out of my control. As always, the “Serenity Prayer” will get me through, as well as thinking about my incredible family. I know my situation is only temporary and with the guidance of my Higher Power, I will make it. I will not only make it, but I will continue to be a better person.