Breathe

Trying to get back consistency which appears to be an elusive trait on this journey, I did wake up and go to sleep in the same bunk. This is a good thing because I am yet again adjusting to a new environment. Today we were on lockdown which means we are confined to our bunks. We can only move to go to the bathroom and for meals.

I am not sure what caused this lockdown, but there was no shortage of rumors. One of the rumors had an inmate being killed in a nearby building. Of course, learning this is never good for my psyche, but I am trying to roll with it the best I can. Another rumor was that they are putting in another new building to house the special needs inmates.

I am confined to the top bunk with 143 other inmates in one building with no individual cells. When I walked in yesterday, there were inmates roaming about everywhere because there was not a lockdown. However, today was the complete opposite. Inmates stayed in their imaginary cell. Thank goodness I was able to obtain a book, 3rd Degree by James Patterson which I finished in the morning. The book was very good and this was my first James Patterson novel.

I was also able to obtain another book (my 28th since being in custody – July 12th) SOLE SURVIVOR by Dean Koontz. I have heard a lot about this author and was very interested in reading something by him. Because we were on lockdown, I was able to start and finish today. It was a very good book and this author definitely has a dark side. I know there are more books by him floating around so I am fairly sure I will read more of his novels.

I have been in custody a little over a month and I have read 18 books. Unfortunately, there is little else to do. Other then doing my pushups and sit-ups in the morning there is little else to do. Yes, I do have some conversations with the inmates near my bunk but sometimes their conversations are difficult for me because other than the fact I am incarcerated and committed a felony just like everyone else here, I have not a whole lot in common. Most of the times when I join a conversation, I am trying to find out information.

It appears, and I don’t know the exact statistics of this building, but it seems most of the inmates have been here at least one other time if not more. I remember reading a statistic that stated that 65% of all inmates in the California Prison System are here on parole violation. This means the inmates had served at last one previous term. I pray to God each day that this does not happen to me. This is a one-time huge catastrophic mistake and I will continue to do everything in my power not to come back to this awful place.

Before I was transferred to this building, I had asked my previous cellmate a question that I sort of knew the answer to, but I wanted to hear his answer. I asked him since this was his second time coming back to prison, and knowing that it is a debilitating, humiliating, dehumanizing experience, why would you do everything in your power not to come back? He struggled with this question, but after a few minutes he told me he had forgotten about the consequences because his drug addiction overwhelmed his choices. I can completely understand this which is why I need the GA program. In this program, I constantly need to remind myself that I am a compulsive gambler so I will never forget the pain that I have caused my family and myself. I firmly understand that I will get no more chances from my wife and family. If I slip, it is all gone which is why I need to work the program each day. Unfortunately, there is no GA program right now, but on the same token I am living the nightmare daily. There is no denying the consequences of my actions while I am here.

Each day when I wake up and don’t see my wife next to me, I am reminded of my horrible choices. The hardest thing for me is to not beat myself and move forward. Over the past month I have felt stuck even though I am going through the process. It maybe because there is so much down time and I can only do so much reading. I have a hard time breathing in a place like this because I am constantly reminded of my awful mistakes. I can look forward to the day when I can breathe normally again which is the day I am back with my family. Again, this is a temporary situation and in a few years all this will be behind me. However, I can never forget or I will be just like my cellmate and have a lost life.

I did speak more with my cellmate regarding this subject and found out he has tried and unfortunately failed 28 times in rehabilitation! I did tell him what worked for me was to apply the principles of the GA program in my daily life. I went on to tell him that one of these principles is “to play the tape all the way through.” This means for me to think about where that one “innocent” bet would lead. For me, there isn’t one that is “innocent”, but one that leads to many others which lead to destruction. This is why I pray to God everyday to keep me away from that first bet. After I was done speaking, I told my cellmate to apply this thinking to his drug use and when he gets out on the streets to think about what happens next after his first use and to find a drug program. He told me (I find this hard to believe) that he never thought of it this way and he thanked me. I don’t know if this small conversation will help him, but I know it helped me.

I will close today’s passage with a story about my eating habits and how this maybe a positive. Being a vegetarian should be kept “a little secret” with the inmates who don’t know. One of the inmates who knows the “little secret” is a worker who helps give out the dinner meals. He came up to me with a proposal. He would give me his (??-can’t make out the word) vegetable, lima beans, dry, no butter, salad, brown rice for the sloppy joes on my tray. Of course, I said, “YES!” In fact, this is the most hot food I have had in over a month. I couldn’t finish it all at dinner. Fortunately, I was able to take the rice and beans back to my bunk for a snack later on. Who knows, maybe this vegetarian thing will work out afterall!