Nervous Breakdown?

August 10, 2006

Somewhere around 1:00 am the opening and closing of the drunk tank seemed to subside to a reasonable level and I fell asleep. I don’t know how long I fell asleep for but when I woke up my butt, leg, back and arms had terrible pains. It still wasn’t time for breakfast (5:00am) so I decided to walk off the pains and I tried to go back to sleep. I didn’t have much success so I laid there and thought about good people and good places. Breakfast came in a few hours and I am not sure if I was hungry or not, but eating was something to do and it was a welcomed diversion from the nothingness. By making it to breakfast I knew I had another 23 hours to go. In my recovery, one day at a time is very essential but in the holding cell with nothing to do one second at a time is essential to survive. Any person who has been held in captivity for any period of time I respect tremendously. Also, I would like to know if these prisoners suffered from post traumatic stress disorder. In my little brain these conditions I have faced seem very stressful and I cannot imagine what these prisoners of war go through.

After breakfast, I tried to sleep. I was awakened with the opening of the holding cell door. In walked three inmates from Southwest Riverside County Detention Center where I came from yesterday. I immediately recognized all three because they were from the same dayroom. I greeted each one with a handshake and asked them if they were on their way to State Prison and if they filled out their paperwork. Each one responded with a yes, and I asked them when they were sentenced. Each one said, two weeks ago. Now my stomach was doing flips and I knew something was wrong. I had to talk to an Officer and find out if I were being sent to State Prison because as of right now I have not filled out any type of paperwork. Finally an Officer came to the door. I asked him if I was being sent to State Prison and he said “NO”, I am being housed. I didn’t lose my composure I proceeded to ask him how is that I was sentenced one month ago and all these other people were sentenced two weeks and they are going to State Prison and I am being transferred to another County Jail. He gave a very dismissive shrug of the shoulders as to say how would I know, and really don’t care. I really wanted to breakdown and cry at this point because it has been one delay after another with my case, with my sentencing and now with my transfer. I cannot take much more of this or I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I did all I could do not to breakdown and I asked the Officer one more question. I asked him if there is anyone I can talk to, to find out when I will be transferred and if I am not being transferred why I was sent to Riverside in the first place. Again, he just shrugged his shoulders.

At this point, I am exasperated beyond belief. I stood in the holding cell muttering to myself. I know these things are out of my control and I have to give it up. I need help to get some answers before I completely lose it. I knew I had to call someone and ask for help. After muttering a few minutes another Officer opened the cell door and told us we were being housed. The Officer led us to our property boxes which now had two sheets, blanket and towel. Also, please remember I left all my toiletries including my cup in my cell with my cellmate because I thought I was going to State Prison.
This particular facility is a little older than the previous facility and it shows. I had heard about this facility from my cellmate because one of the rumors we heard that before getting transferred to State Prison we maybe spending a few night in the “Old Jail”. Yes, I heard about this jail before and wow I am here. Hopefully I am only here for a brief stay because I though and I left Southwest Riverside County Detention Center it would get better. Unfortunately, there appears to be one more stop on the road. Yes, the subject of temporary keeps popping into my mind. I hope I can draw from whatever inner strength I may have and be strong. If I don’t well I won’t think of that because there are three important reasons for me to keep marching forward and they are Monica, Lauren, and Jonathan. I have to remember it was me and me only who caused all these problems. I am trying the best I can to live with this and I have to keep in mind there are so many things out of my control. I just hope and pray that those things out of my control which are in other people’s hands are performed in a timely manner. The system is what it is and I know I have people who care deeply about me to ensure the system works properly.

I made a telephone call to my wife and unfortunately I could not reach her because she was in a bad cell area. Also, this would prove to be the last time I would get to talk with her and I really don’t know when the next time I will speak with her. It could be mid-November. I did, however; telephone my mother because I needed to speak to someone who could possibly help. I wasn’t in the best frame of mind due to my pending limbo and this would also prove to be the last time I speak with my mother for quite some time. I don’t know if my telephone call to my mother had anything to do with me finally being transferred to State Prison, but I will thank her and anyone else who may have assisted in the transfer. Even if no one had anything to do with it I need to thank my mom for listening to me rant and rave. I was at wits end and I am sure my mother felt bad as well. Thanks for listening it certainly helped me tremendously.

A little past 8:00pm right after I convinced myself I would be in this awful place for the next three days (at the very least) an Officer came to the front of the cage (cell) and called out my name. He told me to “roll up my shit because I was being transferred to State Prison.” I didn’t realize how relieved I could be by being sent to State Prison but I was so relieved I actually smiled. This is an absurd thought but I have been so ready for this transfer because it means one more step will be complete and it means I am that much closer to being back with my family. Prior to leaving the cage the Officer told me to take off all my whites, which meant I had to take off my socks, boxers and undershirt. These items are prohibited in the transfer of inmates to State Prison. This meant I was wearing sandals, orange pants and an orange top. When the other inmate and I arrived downstairs, were told to strip off our clothes and the guard gave us a full body cavity search. If something like this does not humiliate me nothing will. It certainly was very humiliating and demeaning but it is part of the process. I must remember I am a convicted felon. Because I broke the law it means I am subjected to these dehumanizing events. After we were strip searched we were lead to another holding cell (my 5th one in 48 hours) where I saw the three inmates I left this morning some 12 hours ago. These were the same inmates who were transferred this morning and when I last saw them I thought I wasn’t going to be transferred.
Apparently and I don’t know if this is true, but this is something I have surmised speaking with these other inmates. When I was transferred yesterday morning, I spent 26 hours in a holding cell which means I needed to be transferred to a regular cell. The maximum time an inmate can stay in a holding cell is 24 hours, so I had to be transferred to the cage no matter the fact that I would be sent to State Prison late in the day. All the Officer had to do was communicate these facts to me when I asked him earlier this morning if I were being sent to State Prison. Instead he just shrugged his shoulders and added to my anxiety which spilled over to my telephone calls to my mother. Communication is essential and all of my angst could have been tempered by a few sentences, oh well, there is nothing I can do about this now. Thank you God for granting me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The bus supposedly departs at 3:00am and now it was almost 9:00pm which means we had another six hours to kill. Six hours is nothing and I was just happy to get on with the process.