Paranoia Part One

August 6, 2006

Today is a Sunday, which means it is a visiting day. I look forward to visiting days because it means I get to see at least one of my good friends. Today I got to see two of my good friends one after another. The call came after my favorite lunch (peanut sandwich) to come to the front door and go upstairs for a visit. I am always in a good mood after eating more than bread and lettuce and the announcement made me feel even better.

When I enter the visiting room I never know who is coming to visit. It is always great to see one of my friends when they enter the visiting room but today was even more special. It was even more special because my very dear friend who has done so much for me and my family finally was allowed to visit. My friend had attempted to visit a few other times but due to power outages, lockdowns and not being able to get in, they finally made it.

I was very happy to see my great friend and we passed to 50 minutes rather quickly. This is a person who I have gotten to know very well over the last 17 months and over this period of time we talked just about everyday. God I miss those conversations and today’s visit made up for lost time. I miss those conversations because through these conversations, I realized I am a good person and I have a good friend for a lifetime. This is not a little thing because it not only helped this past 17 months it helps me each and everyday.

Our time had run out as the officer flashed the lights. I was sad to see my friend go because in all likelihood these will be the last visits for me due to my pending transfer. Yes, I am excited to get on the road through the California Prison system but I am sad to leave my friends behind. My sadness was short lived because the officer came over the intercom and told me to stay in the visiting room because I had another visit. I waited a few minutes and in walked another great friend who has visited me each and every weekend since my sentencing. We also passed the 50 minutes quite quickly and I was sad to see my friend go but my spirits were lifted. My spirits were lifted as I walked downstairs and back into my cell. It was almost time for dinner and I passed the hour reading my 14th novel “Thief of Time” by John Hillerman (more on this later). Then it was time for dinner (chow). I have detailed dinners before and the food really doesn’t vary much. Dinners are always uneventful except for today. Dinner today was very eventful and I don’t mean this in a positive way. I wrote about an incident which occurred Friday evening, well at dinner today there was a carryover from this incident. This incident lasted much longer than Friday’s incident and involved more people. Yes, I did my best to “stay safe” and no, nothing happened to me nor was I harmed physically. I may have been harmed mentally because my paranoia is running rampant internally. I have never been nor do I ever want to be subjected to a “knuckle search” but today along with 63 other inmates, I was.

Apparently, the guards look for red knuckles or bleeding of any kind. If they find any of these they pull out the inmate and interrogate them. As the guard was doing the “knuckle search” I thought to myself what If I stopped and did my knuckle push-ups like I do so many other times after dinner, would the officer pull me out? See paranoia, no I did not do any knuckle push-ups because I wanted to get back to my cell as soon as possible and see what was going to happen. Much to my surprise only three inmates were pulled out of their cells and interrogated. I guess the “knuckle search” is little too inconclusive. After calming my heart rate down to a reasonable level, I spoke with my cellmate, who by the way was not involved in the incident. My cellmate has been around the prison block a few times and as we spoke, my paranoia started to diminish. These things happen occasionally and I shouldn’t get too stressed out by it. As long as I mind my own business and keep my nose clean everything should be okay.

After this incident, which disturbed most of dinner, I thought we would be locked down for the evening. I was wrong because after two of the inmates who were interrogated returned to their cells (the third inmate was reassigned and did not return) we were able to have dayroom (being let out) for an hour. This was good because I needed a shower. I was not able to get a shower earlier because our dayroom was at the time of my visits. I took my shower and after taking my shower some more paranoia returned as I watched everyone move around the dayroom with a keen interest. I did speak with another inmate who assured me I had nothing to worry about. This is another thing I need to be careful of is to NOT show my inner paranoia. It really is a fine line and I must be strong or I will suffer a nervous breakdown somewhere over these next few years.