I Love My Family!!!

Yesterday afternoon as I was driving back from the meeting with my Parole Agent my cell phone rang (actually providing full disclosure; my cell phone does not ring it vibrates, I find the ringing of cell phones a bit distracting). I answered and it was my 10 year old daughter calling which always brings a smile to my face. She calls on occasion and in fact I believe she has called me more often then my wife.

Anyhow, my daughter called to ask for help with her homework. She mentioned this and immediately knew it had to be math homework. My wife was helping her but they were stuck on one of the word problems. Since I was driving I told my daughter I would call her back when I got to the office so she could have my full undivided attention. Also; I needed to write the word problem down on paper so I could see it in black and white.

I returned to the office and called my daughter. She recited the word problem and had to get my wife involved as well. The word problem had something to do with how much X was larger then Y. This involved two different forms of measurement such as centimeters, millimeters, meters, cups and gallons. It took me a second to realize what the question was asking but I did grasp the concept. I must say that I have always enjoyed these types of word problems because they are easy to solve since the answer appears in a very logical format.

My daughter is in the fourth grade and some of her math problems seem at a much higher level. It had been a while since I last assisted my daughter with her homework and it felt wonderful. I had been an active parent before I went “away” and I have missed these types of interactions with my children over the past two school years. My wife has done a phenomenal job in this department and I can’t wait to start participating on a regular basis. This interaction with my daughter made my day and I was all smiles from there on out.

Having received the unfortunate news about me not being able to attend her first communion made this interaction that much more special. It is one day of what has turned out to be two years of me missing in action. I can never get this time back but what I can do is make the very best of each day I spend with them and that is my intention. It is not only my intention it is something that will happen. I love my family more then anything and miss them so much.

This brings me to my next situation regarding the fact that in three months time will be the next time I get to see my children. My sisters have offered to pay for the airfares of my children and my mother seemed willing to bring them out for a long weekend. However; after much thought the practicality of this was broached and it is a great deal of money for a limited period of time. I was speaking with a friend yesterday who was so gracious and offered to pay for the airfares of my children as well. He went on to say, “don’t be too proud to ask because you need to see your children.” I hope my pride is not getting in the way because I do want to see my children; however; I owe this friend and so many others. I owe them financially and so much more since everyone has been extraordinarily supportive.

I thanked my friend and he told me to think about it. My initial reaction was to decline because of the money factor. The more I thought about it the more I realized I so want to see my daughter and son even it is for only a few days. I know they will rejoin me come this summer and it does appear I will be able to drive out with them. I want to turn that drive into a summer vacation since the last time we did this I was so concerned with getting to New Jersey I was reluctant to stop anywhere. I continue to learn life is a journey and it is up to me to enjoy that journey. I will enjoy every moment of our drive together this summer and driving x number of miles in a day means absolutely nothing.

I am hoping we can arrange for my children to come out some time in May for that long weekend. I’m not sure if my mother will still be able to come out with them because she has a trip planned for herself in May. I spoke with my wife about this and she is looking at the children’s activity schedules to see which weekend works best.

It would be great if my wife could come as well but as wife said, that maybe too much of a “tease” knowing she still has to return to New Jersey. I believe my wife is getting excited about returning to California and I know my daughter is very excited. I am ecstatic about their return and it would be great to see them somewhere in between now and July. I am a big believer in everything working out for the best and it will.

Changing gears a bit; I have been corresponding with someone who is not exactly a big fan of me. I entered a business deal with this person a few years ago and that business deal has not turned out so well. There is still some unfinished business between the two of us and I was hoping to resolve the situation amicably but this person wants nothing to do with resolving the situation.

Of course it has to do with money which I have realized isn’t the “end all be all”; however; I do need to “feed my family”. It appears we are at an impasse and I’m not sure what my next step will be. Yes, it is solely about money in my view but I believe this other person has taken it the situation extremely personally. I understand the “Serenity Prayer” very well but I am still trying to figure out if I have the “courage” to change the things I can and I am searching for the “wisdom” to know the difference.

Cold Shower Experience

Yesterday evening I returned back to my other dear friends’ house as my dog/house sitting duties were fulfilled. (By the way the last report I received Rudy was still feeling the effects of our walk/jog on Sunday but was moving around albeit gingerly!) There is something to be said for good conversation because this is exactly what transpires at my dear friend’s house. I was very fortunate in prison to find my roommate and we always had very good conversations and now these conversations have carried over into the “real world” with my dear friend. I am eternally grateful to my dear friends for that they have done for me and my family.

We did indeed have a very good conversation which last well past my intended bedtime but I certainly did not mind. I do seem to learn something during these conversations and it added to my very good day. I did go to sleep much later then I anticipated but I still got up to go and workout.

Over the past few days I have been contemplating whether or not I should run in the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon in June. I have run this marathon twice before and it was the very first marathon I had ever run. I have been reluctant to sign up for it because this was a “family event” in the past and my family won’t be returning until July. It will feel odd being by myself for the marathon but I think I will train for it anyhow. I have printed out a training schedule from Runner’s World online and intend to adhere to this schedule in the next 10 weeks. That is correct the marathon commences on June 1st and that is only 10 weeks away. This is a positive because a few short weeks after that my family will be back.

I have a very aggressive goal for the marathon since I want to qualify for the Boston Marathon next April. I would have to run a personal best marathon in order to qualify but looking at the training schedule I believe this is attainable. I do have the time to train and now would be a great time. I have other plans as well for the next three months and I do understand the value of time. Not only do I understand the value of time but I know it can get away so quickly. I will be judicious with my time and I intend to make it count.

I surprised myself by getting out of bed very easily early this morning and headed to the gym. In the category of “some things never seem to change” the gym I attend was having maintenance issues. On Saturday some of the power went out and half the lights worked. Yesterday the power issues were still there and even more lights were out. Today the power had yet to come back and the hot water was not working. (Hmm… maybe I should have spent the extra money at another gym??)

The gym was eerie with no music or televisions playing. A person has to have a great deal of motivation to get through a workout in this type of setting and fortunately not a lot stops me from working out. I got through my workout without any problems and in fact it was a very good session. My usual routine has me shaving and then taking a shower. I shaved and notice that the hot water wasn’t getting hot but really didn’t think much of it. Then I went into the shower and again the hot water stayed cold.

In prison I took my fair share of cold showers and I was hoping to leave this aspect behind the wall (so to speak!). However, this morning I was faced with a cold shower. I had a choice which was to get in my car all sweaty (believe me I sweat like no one!) or endure the cold shower. This isn’t new for this gym as I have been faced with this in the past. In the past I would get very angry and usually drive home. Well my disposition has changed considerably because not only did I just smile I employed some of the showering techniques I learned in prison. It wasn’t quite a “bird bath” but the handicap shower did its purpose.

I doubt I will ever get used to a cold shower because it is something that is extremely uncomfortable. I do believe this would be a good form of torture!!! However, I more then made do this morning. I treated the hand held shower head like the cup used in the many “bird baths” I took in prison. I washed myself in segments and the cold water was in and out of my body very quickly. Instead of being annoyed and frustrated I dealt with the issue accordingly. Yes, some good has come of my prison experience!

This morning my Parole Agent was making a visit to the house. Fortunately, I did not have to wait around and just met the Agent after I was called at work. The Agent came in for a quick look and she couldn’t wait to get out of the house. I’m not sure why but I suppose she had other parolees to visit. I was able to inquire about going back to New Jersey for my daughter’s communion at the end of next month but received the same reply of “no”.

I had prepared a typed sheet of all the names, addresses and telephone numbers of my relatives in New Jersey. I even added the flight numbers of the airline I would take but this wasn’t even looked at. The answer remained no because it is too early in my parole to know if I am a “programmer”. “Programmer” is a prison term for someone who does the right things day in and day out. I do believe I am a “programmer” but the determination has to come from my Parole Agent who is reluctant to make this assessment so early in my parole. I also asked about possible flying back to New Jersey at the end of June early part of July so I could drive back with my family and received a “yes that is very possible”. This was a positive sign so at the very least the probability of me going to New Jersey and driving does exist.

I have no choice but to listen to my Parole Agent. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize my standing and although I so want to be with my family next month I realize this is not possible. I will abide by the decision and maybe I can be there via cell phone as I can listen in on the communion. I certainly will be there in spirit and in three months time we will all be together in body.

Smiling is Incredible!

Yet another holiday has come and gone without much fanfare. These days to tick on by so quickly and I am doing my best to stay present. I do have glimpses on this summer as my family will return but I am certainly doing my best with each and everyday.

Today being a Monday is a start of another work week. I look forward to waking up everyday and today was no exception. This was the last evening I would spend out our friends’ house and the last evening I got to hang out with Rudy. Rudy seemed to be feeling better this morning when I let him outside. Yesterday after the jog he was having difficulty walking in the fact he just didn’t want to walk! I had to carry him outside because he wanted nothing to do with leaving his little area inside the house. He needed to do his “duties” and when he was finished I dragged him back inside.

I felt for the poor dog and did my best to make him feel comfortable. There wasn’t any walking around during the evening by Rudy as I am sure he didn’t want to walk at all. He was able to go outside by himself this morning so this was a step in the right direction. I bided him adieu and it had been a pleasure hanging out with him for the week.

I can see why people have dogs and I can really see why people who live alone have pets. My former roommate had two dogs and he loved those dogs just like children. I completely understand and there is a bond. Someday in the near future we as a family will get a dog and hopefully this dog will be as congenial as Rudy.

I did get up very easily this morning and headed over to the gym. My workouts are great and I learned something from my time “inside” regarding working out that change is indeed good. In the past I would get complacent with my workout but after having worked out with my former roommate he taught me the value of changing the workout often.

It was ironic because as I was flipping around the channels yesterday I stopped on an infomercial that espoused this very concept. I watched for a few minutes and it was the first exercise infomercial that didn’t offer an easy way out. I’m not sure of the cost and I don’t know how many people would be interested in working out this hard but I found it fascinating. The infomercial was exactly what my roommate would talk about. I do enjoy the change and my workouts are so much better now then they have ever been.

Yesterday evening I even had the opportunity to actually watch “60 Minutes” for the first time since my release. My “viewing” of this program was limited to listening to it on the radio and sometimes the reception wasn’t so good. I not only heard the program but I also viewed the video portion (what a concept!!). This program has been on for as long as I can remember and I believe this has always been one of my father’s favorite television shows and I know why. The program is well done and the concept is great. I did enjoy the program tremendously.

Today was a very good day at work as I had to run a few errands. It was great getting out of the office in the afternoon and this time it was all work related. Not only does the Counseling Center where I work employ fantastic people the people who we deal with are so very nice. In years gone by I may have had a pre-conceived notion about a place like this but having an open mind has open my eyes to wonders.

The simple task of getting in the car and driving somewhere is still fresh and beautiful to me. I cared less about the traffic and even my driving has improved. In the past I would always exceed the speed limit but now in my quest to do the right thing I obey all posted speed limits. I must say a good majority of the drivers were passing me but it didn’t matter to me. What matter to me was that I was free to do what I needed to do and the smile is etched on my face to prove it!!

Happy Easter 2008

Happy Easter everyone!!!! I believe this is the last major holiday I will be separated from my family, hooray!!! I would be lying if I said today was one of those easy days because it is not. I don’t like the fact my family is 3,000 miles away but I do understand that this situation is only temporary. I have been separated from them because of what I have done and I have come to terms with this. I will not beat myself up of this fact and actually knowing I will be with my family come this summer is such a comforting thought.

I miss them so much but I was able to speak with them on two different occasions today. They were having a great time at my wife’s sister’s house and later on today they went over my mother’s house. My family is surrounded and a better depiction would be ensconced in love. The children had their cousins to play with and my wife had her family all in one place. My family had been well taken care of in this time and I certainly can’t wait to be a daily physical and emotional part of their lives very soon.

It does appear July will be the month that we are all together and that may seem like a long ways away. However; I have learned that time moves so quickly and that three months will pass by. The summer will be upon us and we will be a family all in one place once again. I love that fact and I love them so much.

I didn’t have much planned today and I really didn’t do much. Last night I went over a dear friend’s house and I even brought Rudolph (the dog I am sitting for). My dear friend also has a dog and he has a female Labrador that is so much smaller then Rudolph. My friend had a neighbor’s dog at his house as well who was also a smallish Labrador and female. Rudy was the big dog on campus and the three of them played very nicely.

I was a bit concerned with the gender issue but that didn’t seem to matter. The three dogs were running, jumping and having a grand time. I was with my friend and we too had a grand time. It was just like old times as we had a little dinner and watched the boxing matches on television. Things do change but for the most part things do stay the same and I was grateful for the sameness last night.

I departed my friend’s house with Rudy in tow and we headed back to my other dear friends’ house. I don’t seem to know where the time goes but before I realized it was much later than I thought. I went to sleep and during the night I heard Rudy stirring. I didn’t want any more presents so I let him outside. The hour was early (or late depending on your point of view) so I kept him outside which I thought was the best course of action. He was great as I didn’t hear him make a sound.

I was a bit lazy this morning and slept a little longer than usual. I had nothing on the agenda other then the Sunday GA meeting late this afternoon so I really relaxed this morning. I made my telephone calls, had breakfast then I decided to take Rudy for a walk. It really wasn’t much of a walk because after 10 minutes I decided to jog. Rudy seemed to enjoy this and so did I.

We jogged for awhile and when we first started Rudy was out in front of me as I held the leash. Then he was by my side and finally he was behind me. Rudy was getting tired and I sensed this so I headed back to the house. About a half mile from the house Rudy had had enough and just sat down. He is a rather large dog so the option to pick him up did not exist. He was obviously tired and wanted shade very badly. We found some shade and he rested. After a few minutes I tried to get him to walk home but this was very difficult. The last half a mile took 35 minutes as he just didn’t want to walk anymore.

The poor dog was beat and when I finally got him home he just sat outside next to his water bowl which I had to fill five times. The poor thing just sat outside (in the shade) and didn’t have enough energy to come into the house. I did get him in the house but he slowly went back to his water bowl.

It came time for me to go to the GA meeting so I needed to put him in the backyard. Rudy probably thought I was going to take him on another walk so he wanted no part of this, he just sat down. I had to carry the large dog into the backyard and once there he found a shady spot where he laid down. I think I did a little too much with him and hopefully he will recover. I doubt he will want to do any more walks with me in the near future!!! In spite of being separated from my family it was a great day, Happy Easter!!!

Anger and Frustration Cease

The holiday weekend is upon me today but these holidays really don’t have the same oomph (if I may?) since my family will be celebrating Easter on the other coast tomorrow. I am eternally grateful I don’t have to spend another holiday completely separated from society. Missing two of my wife’s birthdays, two of my children’s birthdays, two Christmases, two Thanksgivings and one Easter Sunday was more then enough for me. I don’t have any plans tomorrow so I will spend the day with Rudolph who is the dog I have been dog sitting for our dear friends this week. He is a very good dog and if I were to get a dog it would be this same type of dog a Golden Retriever.

He did leave me a little present this morning but hey accidents happen. I had heard him walking about but went to brush my teeth and by the time I came out the present had already been delivered. Oh well, I picked up the present and let him outside. I do enjoy his company and all he wants to do is play fetch. He really doesn’t have the whole concept down because he doesn’t let go of the ball. I have to pry the ball out of his mouth but I think this is all part of the game. I think he will play fetch from sun up to sun down. We played last night and he seemed to enjoy himself.

I had a quiet evening by myself (yes, I was with Rudolph as well) yesterday and I did have the opportunity to watch one of those movies my mother had sent. I watched “Fracture” with Anthony Hopkins and Ryan Gosling. Anthony Hopkins is an extraordinary actor and is good in any role he plays. It was an interesting storyline and Mr. Hopkins played a diabolical character that tried to kill his wife and get away with it. Ryan Gosling was the up and coming deputy District Attorney. I haven’t seen many movies with this actor but from what I saw last night he seems quite accomplished. The storyline had some twists and turns but those twists and turns seemed obvious to me. It was an entertaining movie and that is what matters most.

After the movie I took the time to compose an email and send it to someone I had done business with in the past. I thought it was well crafted, concise and to the point. However; I was met with much resistance and was called “badgering”. It is amazing how different people can interpret same things in diametrically opposed views. This all goes to perception and my perception was certainly much different from the person’s perception I sent the email to. Once again, there is nothing in the world I can do to control another person’s thoughts and truly it is what it is. I didn’t get angry or even the slightest bit mad. I hope I could resolve this amicably but apparently this other person doesn’t share my sentiments.

I did want to respond in kind when I received the reply but after a few minutes of thinking I did not. I didn’t see any benefit in a terse reply from me. I do believe anger has a place and is a human emotion but I don’t have any of this inside of me. I am not implying I am the Dalai Lama by any stretch of the imagination. However; anger is missing inside of me and I do believe this is a positive side effect of recovery. This does not mean I am dispassionate because I do have feelings just not anger. I think I was a bit saddened by the response because it wasn’t done on an adult level.

I am not sure where to go from here and it seems the unfinished business I had will remain unfinished for some time to come. My hopes were to resolve some of this fairly quickly but much of this is beyond my scope. I can only ask the questions and hope for a positive response. I am missing the positive response in all of the unfinished business. All of this only amounts to money which I was hoping to collect. A circumstance that they are this is very difficult. I haven’t lost hope and my hope does spring eternal. Life will continue to work out for the very best and I know this will be wonderful.

This morning was the regular Saturday morning GA meeting and it also marks where I attend four GA meetings in four days. These are great meetings and the Saturday meeting has a special place in my heart since it was the very first meeting I attended over 3 years ago. This morning there was a new member and the pain was so evident. The new member was ensconced in the fog of compulsive gambling and certainly couldn’t see the forest through the trees.

The hurt is awful when a member first comes to GA but GA is an amazing program which has given me my life back and so much more. I have seen my share of new members who never come back for a second meeting. I am not about to pass judgment on anyone so I do hope this new member because a regular member one day at time. The Program does work and it works wonders.

Recently I did an interview with a website Encognitive.com and it is billed as “where researchers go to research”. The website used to be Gamblerhelper.com and was strictly devoted to helping compulsive gamblers. The owner has expanded in to other forms of addictions and is geared at the clinicians who treat addictions. The title of the interview is “Everything You’ve Wanted to Know about Gambling from an Insider” and can be found accessing the previous link. The interview was done via email and yes, those are all my words. It was a lengthy process but I think it came across well.

Me Organized???

Is it really the end of the work week already? My how time does fly and the days are whizzing by so very quickly. My life is centered on three aspects which are going to Gamblers Anonymous meetings, work and exercise. Somewhere in there I sleep and eat.

My mother has been so kind to have given me her Netflix subscription which allows me to select movies on DVD’s. I certainly have missed my share of movies in the past year and a half as I do have my share of catching up to do. However; in the three and a half weeks since my release I have been able to watch only two of these movies and one (“Ocean’s 13) I had to watch the end on a different day. I have two DVD’s sitting in my briefcase for the past two weeks and somewhere along the way I will view them.

It has been quite a transition from having seemingly all the time in the world to having time slip by so quickly. No matter how I slice it there are 24 hours in everyday. In the past 3 ½ weeks this 24 hours has been filled very nicely. I am doing my best to stay present which is all I ever have and I still have a big smile on my face. There isn’t anything I can think of that bothers me.

I enjoy each day as it is filled with wonders. The other day someone asked me how everything was going and I couldn’t help but to share my excitement about being out in the free world. It may sound cliché but the grass is greener, the sky is bluer and the air is fresher along with all the little things I never took notice of in the past. Yes, the downside is my family is 3,000 miles away across the country but a day hasn’t passed where I haven’t spoken with them. This contact means the world to me and it appears that the next time I see them will be in July.

My wonderful sisters volunteered to pay for a ticket for each of my children to fly out to see me since it doesn’t appear I will be able to see them. I thought this was an incredible gesture and I am so grateful. My mother was going to fly out with my children so we could spend an extended weekend together. However; upon further discussion the practicality of this matter really doesn’t make sense.

The cost in terms of dollar amounts is excessive and this money should be spent in a better manner. I do want to see my children but I realize I will see them in three months. I can wait three months to see them since I haven’t seen them since last July. I still haven’t given up hope about venturing out to New Jersey next month for my daughter’s communion. I do need permission and haven’t received a definitive no as of yet. I will continue doing what I have been doing and I know everything will work out for the very best.

Fridays are deserted days at the office as most people work four ten hour shifts so they can take off on Fridays. This is a great perk and something I tried to institute at my previous employer. I find the atmosphere is uplifted when people have the incentive to take off on Fridays. As for me I don’t mind working Fridays because presently I don’t have much else to do. It gives me a day to catch up on my filing and I sure do need help with my organizing. I can see myself falling back into an old pattern of letting things slide and this is what causes the disaster area in my office. I am approaching “disaster area” status as papers are strewn all about the office.

I know it isn’t difficult and the hardest part is the initial organizing phase. I never achieved the initial organizing phase in my previous phase and I don’t want to make the same mistakes. Why do I find myself resistant to putting things in file folders; it really doesn’t take much time but for some reason I put this off for last. Since I put it off for last it hasn’t gotten done.

I do have issues when it comes to organizing and I believe some people think I am an organized person. I am organized but in a chaotic manner. In the disaster area of my office I do know where everything is located but it has to be arranged so a stranger would be able to find anything. Right now I am the only person that can find anything and this is not good. I need to stop writing about it and like Nike says, “Just do it”.

I spoke with two voices of my past this morning and these were the second time I spoke with these people since my release. Life has moved along in these past 20 months but some things never seem to change. I believe this is good and all the pieces of my life are falling together very nicely.

Prison and Boxes of Chocolates

I worked my legs out so hard the other day it took two days for them to get sore and boy were they sore this morning!!! I felt some of this soreness yesterday but had a very good workout. Early this morning I woke up and had difficulty getting my legs on the floor. I have mentioned this in the past but it bears repeating; I like muscle soreness from working out. I do ascribe to the “no pain no gain” concept. (I guess I prescribe to this in other areas of my being!) I like when I get sore even when I have difficulty walking.

There is a very funny story behind leg muscle soreness but it is a bit crude so please consider yourself warned!! When my legs and gluteus maximus are sore it makes going to the bathroom a little challenging. It isn’t the “going” part it is the sitting down and getting up part. Sitting down is alright but getting up requires much effort. I remember having a conversation with my roommate about this particular subject and he suffered from the same “challenges”. I did have these challenges this morning and decided to stay in bed instead of going to workout. My body needed the rest because the muscle soreness has released a bit but I can still feel it in my legs some 12 plus hours later.

I took my time this morning but had to get into work earlier then normal. I needed to do a few things before I went to my required/mandate parole orientation meeting. The acronym for this is PACT and I have no idea where the A C T comes from, the P is obviously Parolee. This is a meeting every parolee must attend and those who do not attend are in direct violation of their parole. In my quest to do everything correctly and above board I drove the 25 miles north to the meeting. The meeting was in a less then desirable neighborhood but then again it was a parolee meeting.

I drove up and saw about 30 different people milling about outside the venue. I immediately thought I was back in prison. I need to take a few steps back at this point because this meeting was weighing heavily on my mind. Last night I had a dream I was back in prison. I have no idea what caused me to go back in prison but I was there. As if this weren’t odd enough I was in prison with a good friend from GA. All I remember is seeing him and wondering how he was there with me. This dear friend had the same great attitude he always has and I was comforted with his attitude. Thankfully I woke up and realized it was only a dream.

The “system” has a way of psyching people out with all the rhetoric but I guess it is effective. I have heard the statistics that 70% of all inmates come back within three years to serve multiple terms. I have also heard how difficult parole can be. I do think these factors have crept into my subconscious but I do know as long as I keep doing what I have been doing for the past three years I will be one of the 30% that make it.

My expectations were fairly low for the meeting today but my mind was open. We all filed into the meeting and sadly there were some empty chairs which meant a few parolees thought it in their best interest to do something else. This was not a very good idea because they have already violated their parole within 30 days of their release. (Every parolee must report to one of these meetings upon their release and the meetings are held once a month.) I looked around the room and there weren’t any familiar faces but the faces were very familiar.

The meeting was more of a pep rally then anything else and I was very impressed with the people who were in charge. I never got the feeling that the overall “system” really cared if a person made it through the prison system and I half expected this attitude today since it is all part of the same system. I was pleasantly surprised because there was a level of caring I hadn’t witnessed before. It really does take one person to make a difference and today that one person did make a difference. I listened and I was moved with the real life winning stories. People can make it and I do hope everyone there at least does their very best.

We were asked if anyone had a job and two hands went up; mine and another person. In a room of 100 people this is not a good statistic. Of course it is early for most people and the purpose of the meeting was to give the people without a job some direction. There were outside vendors at the meeting and most of them were either drug/alcohol rehabilitation centers or Christian fellowships. There was a lone representative from a technical school. I did hear one person say that the Parole Agents are mandated to release everyone (with the exception of violent offenders) from parole in 13 months. I had known this but hearing it from a reliable source made me feel better.

The meeting only lasted a little over an hour and each parolee was given a food basket. I am not talking a box lunch I am talking a food along with health and beauty items in a very large banana box. I was flabbergasted to see all the products in the box from Listerine to Kleenex. There were even three boxes of Gertrude Hawks Chocolates. Who knew I could go to prison, get released and receive boxes of chocolates!!! Heck, if I had known this I would have gone years ago!!! Of course I am being funny (or at least trying!!) but the thought was very nice especially with Easter coming very quickly. I took my box and headed back to the office with a smile on my face.

"Personalities Before Principles" Not So Much!!

I know miracles happen in the Gamblers Anonymous Program because I have been personally associated with a few (more then a few!!) miracles in my three years associated with the Program. I owe my new life, beliefs, attitude and generally my overall existence to the Program. I continue to meet incredible people in the Program and I am eternally grateful.

One of these “miracles” occurred last night after the meeting. I was talking with another member who informed me they did not much care for me when I first entered the Program. They went on to state they were very skeptical of my motives when I first entered the Program. However; now they are no longer skeptical of me and I was told that this person does indeed “like” me.

I had known that this person did not care as it was fairly obvious. I didn’t dwell on it and I stayed focused in my recovery. I am not looking for validation from anyone other then myself. As long as I know I am doing the right things I do know everything continues to work out for the very best. However; encounters with people who do not care for me can be a bit uncomfortable and I believe I did my best to stay above the “personalities before principles” concept.

When this person stated they did indeed like me and were very happy to see me back at the meeting they went on to say “I changed”. As quickly as they stated this the “I” which was directed at me was change to an “I” associated with them. I do believe this person was correct in both cases. I have changed since entering the Program and so has this person. I also believe we both continue to change for the positive. The GA Programs works in so many ways and I am so happy to be a part of a fantastic organization.

Yesterday I received a telephone call from a long standing GA member who has become a very dear friend. I have written about this person quite extensively in the past and this person is amazing. This was the first time we talked on the telephone since I “went away” and it was so good to hear their voice. This person is very involved in the treatment and awareness of problem gambling. This dear friend is someone I continue to emulate as an integral part of my recovery.

In June of this year there is a very large conference for the Problem Gambling. This conference is part of the National Council of Problem Gambling and I have had the good fortune to communicate several times with the Executive Director. In fact he has invited me to attend the conference in June and this invitation was extended to me several months ago.

As I was speaking to my dear friend I was informed that this dear friend would be presenting at the conference. The conversation progressed and the next thing I knew my friend asked me to be part of his panel at the conference. This was a huge compliment and I quickly accepted. My dear friend still needs to get approval from the Executive Director but being asked is certainly enough for me. The panel discussion is centered on the theme of what should casinos be doing to address problem gamblers.

I have some thoughts about this and would love to share them at the conference. This is exactly what I want to do in regards to problem gambling. I do believe I have a “unique” (to say the least!) perspective when it comes to this as I have been on both sides of the equation. I also believe I can add value to any discussion on problem gambling as it relates to the problem gambler and the operator. This is a wonderful opportunity. I do hope to be able to be on the panel as I know good things will continue to happen.

I work for some very special people. I have outlined before I am part of a “family” business. This is a “family” operation in not only the “bloodlines” but in the lifelines of everyone. My boss is a kind, generous, caring and giving person. This sometimes doesn’t lend itself to the stereotypical acumen of a businessperson but I much prefer it over anyone else I have ever worked for. Everyone else associated with the business is equally kind, generous, caring and giving people. Good things will happen and they are already happening.

On a Golf Course, WOW!!!!

There are days where every moment of that particular day is a blur. There weren’t too many of these as I served my “time” but lately especially in the last three weeks all the days seem like this. Today was a particularly quick day. As I have mentioned I am staying over another dear friends’ house watching their dog while they enjoy a vacation with the entire family. Their dog is such a sweet dog and is no problem whatsoever. I feel badly when I leave him in the morning and don’t return back until after I am finished working.

This being Tuesday is one of my two long days with work and the GA meetings. I couldn’t leave him (the dog) outside all day long without any social interaction so I made it point to go back to the house for an hour before the GA meeting. I took him for a walk and he seemed very grateful. We took a 40 minute walk and I am not sure who was walking whom!

He is a Golden Retriever and is quite large. Once he gets going he is difficult to slow down. I didn’t like the fact that his collar seemed to be choking him while we walked so I sped up my walking. At one point I started to jog and we were keeping up with one another. The jogging seemed to tire him out as he was much slower on the way back as opposed to on the way out. This was a great deal of fun and as always I am grateful for the opportunity.

In between dog-sitting I did go to work but today was a very different work day. Earlier in the morning we had an important meeting with some prospective clients and I had to do some work in my office. My boss and I were supposed to play golf with another member from GA but yesterday this person cancelled because something unexpected had come up. I was looking forward to playing golf and apparently so was my boss since he asked if I still wanted to go. Of course, I most certainly obliged and this afternoon we played golf.

The last time I played golf was over 20 months ago with my good friend in Las Vegas. This was part of the trip with my family as they headed back east. During that golf game I didn’t know when the next time I would play golf again but only 20 months later here I was with a golf club in my hand on a beautiful spring day playing golf. Wow what an incredible day.

I was relatively quiet the entire time playing golf because I was soaking in every moment. We played a course I have played many times before and I used to live right down the street. This was the same golf course I used to take my daughter and son from time to time. In fact, yesterday my daughter asked me if I had been to this golf course yet. There were a great deal of fond memories on this golf course and today was one of those fond memories.

I played relatively well for someone who really hasn’t played in over a year and half. I promptly started off with a par and ended up with a par. In between there were a few unmentionables but I never got mad. In the past I would get angry with myself but when I made a bad shot today I just laughed. I did make many bad shoots today but my spirit remained high throughout. I am an incredible fortunate person to be able to play golf so soon after being released from prison. This time last month I was wondering what life was like on the outside and now I know that it is wonderful.

I didn’t score very well but this was to be expected. My boss has gotten a great deal better in the time I had been “away” He does have a very impressive attitude and spending five hours (yes, even the five hour round did not deter my spirit!) with him was great. I don’t know what the future lies for this position of mine but I do hope the company makes it. Potentially, this could be the best job of my life. I am working for an amazing person who is so kind and generous. There are some challenges and hopefully we can address in the near future. However; for today every thing continues to work out for the very best.

What's Moderation??

I am certainly keeping much later nights then in the previous 19 months. I think the one and only time I stayed awake past 10:00 pm in those months was on New Year’s Eve of this past year and that was all due to my roommate. Now 2 ½ weeks into my freedom I have yet to fall asleep prior to this time. I am waking up later then previous and I realize my body needs a requisite amount of sleep. This morning I had all the intentions of working out but due to my 3 plus hour session yesterday and staying awake much later then usual I was better served rolling over.

I stayed awaked last night talking with my good friend about a variety of subjects. I enjoyed the conversation very much and found it very insightful. I always learn something when I speak with my dear friend and I realized that my dear friend and my former roommate share similar views. This is interesting because they are on opposite sides of the political spectrum yet the end result is the same. Getting to the end result is different for them but ultimately the goals are the same. It is amazing how people can share opposite political views and yet share the same hopes.

My political views fall somewhere in the middle and I have vacillated over the years. Early on in my life I was a huge supporter of President Nixon (this could explain a great deal about how I ended where I ended up for the last 19 months!!) much like Michael J. Fox’s character Alex Keaton on the television show “Family Ties”. I was almost 9 years old when President Nixon resigned and I remember feeling bad. As I matured oh ok as I grow older my political views became more moderate. I am not a “leftist” by no means nor am I a staunch conservative. I do aspire to the middle ground.

I listen to people with liberal view and I listen to people with conservative views and their ideas do sound good. I do believe problems arise outside the mainstream on the fringes whereas a staunch liberal goes too far and a staunch conservative the same. I do believe life is all about moderation which has certainly lacked in my life. I do my best to attain moderation but I have a long way to go.

Anyhow; I didn’t workout this morning but I did venture over to another dear friends’ house where I will be dog/house-sitting for the week. I wanted to ensure their dog (who is a sweet Golden Retriever) was let out this morning and he was outside when I got their. I will be staying there this week and I look forward to walking him daily. I could take him for a run but I think walking for a few days before running maybe a better plan. I don’t want to run the poor dog to death.

After checking on the dog I went to the office. I spent the better part of the morning reconciling an item which wasn’t reconciling very easily. I had a brain malfunction and broke down the account every which way I could. Finally after a few hours I realized what I was doing wrong and it finally reconciled. I do have a little rust which I need to shake off. The rest of my day was reviewing a contract with the same department I am currently affiliated with. Ironies are a constant in my life and this is yet another. We should be taking on new business shortly and this new business is something I am intimately involved with.

I did speak with another dear friend today for the first time since my release. This is a very good friend whom I have only known for the past 3 years. He is such a nice, kind and gentle person. We had a wonderful conversation. Part of that conversation was about the dreaded “book” which I will write someday. I have been getting more and more pushes to write the book and with this I have been getting more and more ideas for the book.

Finally, I spoke with another person and this was the person who came to visit me while I was in prison because of an investigation he was doing on my previous employer. We chatted for awhile and made tentative lunch plans for the future. I don’t know where this will lead but I am always willing to listen.

Piercing the Denial

The GA birthday “high” (I could think of a better term) lasted all day yesterday and well into today. I do vividly remember my first birthday celebration two years ago and how incredibly spiritual that meeting was. The day after that celebration I ran in the Los Angeles Marathon and I was on such a “high” I went out a little too fast and didn’t have much in the last few miles. The feeling was much the same today and although I didn’t run in a marathon I found myself at the gym for 3 plus hours going through a great workout but later on in the day I was feeling a little less “high”.

The great day of yesterday continued as I was invited of our dear friends’ house for dinner. I actually had two invitations last night and both are dear friends. The second invitation came earlier on Saturday but I had committed to the first set of dear friends earlier in the week. These are dear friends of both my wife and me. The similarities between our families are uncanny. They have a daughter and son the same age as our daughter and son. In fact their birthdays are only a few weeks apart. At first this was my wife’s friend but through all of this they have become very dear friends of mine as well.

It is somewhat difficult being there with them without my wife and children. However; I do know it is only very temporary and we will be sharing nights like these very soon. The night was very pleasant as we talked. My friend did give me some very good advice about the proposal I was given last week and now I have to digest this advice as I move forward.

We had a great dinner and once again I declined any alcoholic beverage. I haven’t had a drink of any type of alcohol since I have been released. It is over 20 months since my last glass of wine. I don’t believe I have given up drinking wine or beer but for some reason I am very reluctant to have a drink especially when I have to drive. I would expect the first sip of wine to go straight to my head which is why I will wait for the right time.

I had met several people in prison who were there for alcohol related crimes and really they were very unfortunate accidents. I don’t want to get behind the wheel even if I were to have only one drink. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been drunk and I have written this before but I will reiterate two of those three times occurred in the last six months of my completely out of control compulsive gambling behavior. As I look back I really see I needed to escape from the escape but had no idea how to accomplish this.

Speaking of looking back I received an envelope from my father who contained letters we wrote one another some 13 and 14 years ago. These letters were a precursor of things to come in my life. As I read these letters I realized how much in denial I was back then as I faced my second fall from grace due to my compulsive gambling addiction. I was a complete “jack-ass” in those letters not telling the truth. I never took personal responsibility for my actions. I may have had the “good talk” but that was so superficial.

My father was right on in these letters and he even mentioned attending Gamblers Anonymous. I was in such denial I don’t even remember him mentioning this until I re-read these letters today. The “writing” was on the wall and I couldn’t see past my arrogant self. Oh yes, there is no doubt I had the I am better then everyone attitude and could do it my way. Well, this didn’t work out so well but thankfully, some sense has been knocked into my thick skull and life does continue to get better as each day passes.

These letters are a reminder of a person I once was and pray to God I never become again. As long as I continue the path of my recovery and apply the principles of Gamblers Anonymous in my daily affairs my life is wonderful. Denial is such a powerful attribute of the ego and it would be great if this could be pierced easily but life does have a way of working out the way it works out. (Gee that was a profound statement!!) I am grateful for the way it continues to work out as being, open, honest; willing and positive are the way to a fantastic way of life.

GA Birthday Extravaganza

Any GA meeting is a special but there are the “extra” special meetings and today was one of them. We were celebrating the “birthdays” of four members. There was 5th birthday, two 3rd birthdays and 1st birthday. I was in the 3rd birthday category along with a dear friend. My boss was celebrating his 5th and the other member who really grasps the principles of the Program her 1st birthday.

Normally the Saturday morning GA meeting has between 15 to 20 participants. Due to the birthday celebrations those numbers swelled to 50. I was amazed as the turnout and people came from faraway places; some drove 70 plus miles one-way and with gas prices what they are this was the Program working its miracles once again. The meeting lasted 3 hours which may sound like a long time but I enjoyed every second of those three hours.

My dear friends in the Program had an unusual celebration for my second year in the Program as we celebrated this in the fire camp’s visiting area. I was out in the free world for my first birthday and that meeting was extraordinary special. It was one of the most spiritual meetings I have ever attended. A few members even brought up that meeting two years ago when they spoke today. At that meeting my wife and children were by my side and that was the only thing missing from today’s meeting. I had a wonderful time and the Program is beyond reproach.

There was a member who was attending their first meeting because they believed they have a compulsive gambling addiction. Birthday meetings could be very difficult on a first time member because there is so much laughter all through the meeting. Usually the new member comes in crying and today was no exception. My first meeting was not a birthday celebration and I know I was confused.

I can hardly imagine what was going on in this new member’s mind seeing all the smiles and laughter. Three years later I know the smiles and laughter are all products of the Program. If it were somber in every meeting we wouldn’t have any members. I don’t know what the new member thought but to me it shows there is life and a great life that can be achieved without gambling. I do hope this new member comes back

I have found so many wonderful, caring, giving and loving people and today was truly a celebration. We were there to celebrate the birthdays which are always good milestones; however; to me it is a celebration of Gamblers Anonymous. Without Gamblers Anonymous I would be lost in abyss. I was headed into this abyss three years ago not knowing which end was up and today the abyss no longer exists. It has been replaced with warmth, sincerity and the genuine kindness of incredible people.

I can say with certainty that I would not be in the position I am currently in without Gamblers Anonymous. GA continues to save my life everyday and as if that weren’t enough the Program gives my life positive meaning. I have searched all my life for a way to quit gambling. I tried to quit on my own but failed miserably. In GA I know I am never alone and it is truly fantastic. Life without gambling through the GA Program is magnificent.

I would like to thank everyone in attendance today for all their kind words. This blog was mentioned on numerous occasions. I started this blog almost three years ago as a way express my thoughts and it has turned into a large part of my recovery.

Through the 19 months of my prison sentence I handwrote thousands of pagers and through the kindness and generosity of my wife, mother and a dear friend those words were transcribed to these pages. It is a lifeline of sorts for me and has kept me connected to the real world. Once again I thank everyone for the courage, wisdom, hope, faith and love they had expressed today. It was an incredible day and yet another one of the many blessings in my life.

Holding a Golf Club

There wasn’t any oversleeping for me this morning. I got up at the appropriate time and I didn’t even roll over. I do enjoy that time at the gym but now that I am working out by myself it is a little different then when I was in prison. I often think about my former roommate who is still at the fire camp and will still be there for the next 5 ½ months. I most often think about him during these early morning hours.

I do know exactly what he is doing by what time of day it is. I surmise at the early hour he is still working out and I would guess he is working out by himself as well. At intervals during the day I also know what he is doing. Prison life is (was for me thank God!) a highly predictable with the time structure very regimented. There really isn’t any deviation which is why it is called institutional living. Now having freedoms are exceptionally wonderful and I do my best not to get “institutional”.

I was off to the gym and with the time change last weekend it is now back to being dark at the early hour of the morning. There is quite a bit of traffic on the roads as I make my way to the gym and I surmise most of these people are commuting to either Orange County or San Diego. On a good day without any traffic these destinations can be reached within an hour but the good days are few and far between so I don’t envy any of these commuters.

I am back to being a “regular” at the gym and just walking in without any problems. I can walk in when the regular attendant is on duty but when his relief works that is when I had the problem of not being a member. However; I won’t have to worry about this anymore because today I renewed or actually “signed up” for a membership.

I was holding out for my old rate of $149 a year and today I received a phone call from a sales member offering me that rate. As of yesterday this rate was not available but somehow the rate became available. I didn’t pitch a fit yesterday when I learned the new rates in fact I said nothing other than asking for the old rate. The “Power of Attraction” is real and this may not be the best example but I wanted the old rate and got it without any real issues. This “Power of Attraction” is alive and well in my life and continues to amaze me. The minor miracle at work yesterday was the “Power of Attraction” at work.

Since the minor miracle appeared I was actually able to draw a paycheck. I’m not sure if that is the proper term since I am a “consultant” and don’t draw a “paycheck” rather the Counseling Center paid my invoice and in turn I paid myself. This is certainly a positive and the dollar amount was much higher then I had envisioned. I had a number in my head which was practically doubled by my boss so I had to agree with him. I don’t know when the next time my invoice will be paid so I will enjoy it while it lasts.

The money certainly helps and hopefully if we can get things turned around I would have a perfect job. I am doing something I like even though it is “accounting” work and I hadn’t realized how much I learned from my previous job. Prior to my previous job I was in an esoteric accounting position never doing any real work. I moved from an esoteric position into a more real position and learned so much. This has helped me with my new position and my attitude couldn’t be any better.

The other evening at the GA meeting a long time member came to the meeting who usually attends other meetings. This was the first time I had met this member and I was so impressed. My boss also met this member for the first time and he too was impressed. Somehow we got on the discussion of playing golf which my boss enjoys and so do I. This member just started playing but is a member of a very nice country club that I had heard wonderful things about. One thing lead to another and the next thing I know this member was inviting my boss and me to play golf with him at this prestigious country club next week. We both gladly accepted the invitation.

With this news meant I had to dig my golf clubs out of storage. I have a set of clubs at my good friend’s house in Las Vegas because that was the last time I played golf before I went “away”. My good friend is coming to visit me at the end of the month and will be bringing the clubs with him. In the meantime I made my way over to our storage unit and dug out my extra set of golf clubs. I had forgotten I still have a few sets of golf clubs and several golf bags. I was able to find them and although they were all the way in the back of the storage unit I got them out without any incidents.

I took the golf clubs to the driving range and I literally had to dust them off because they were dusty. They say golf is a muscle memory game and I was wondering if my muscle would remember anything after having not swung a club in over 20 months. It took awhile but my muscles sort of remembered and I was hitting the ball fairly well. I noticed I have developed a slice which is a bit different from the past where I had a hook.

Nevertheless it felt great to be out on a driving range hitting golf balls. Sure I hit some terrible shots but instead of getting angry I just laughed it off. The fact that I am able to hit golf balls is enough for me an no matter what my score maybe there is no such thing as a bad day on a golf course or driving range for that matter. Yes, today was a great day.

No Anger in Me

Strange things are starting to happen to me. Okay that maybe a little too mysterious so I should tone it down a bit to say things out of the usual are happening to me. Take this morning for instance I actually overslept. This is quite a big deal for me with the “built-in alarm clock”. My goal is to get out of bed by 5:20 am so I can get to the gym by 6:00 am. This is to avoid the whole no membership hassle as the shifts change at the gym. This morning I was awake at a little past 5:00 a.m. but I rolled over for a few more minutes that few more minutes turned into an hour and a half. I was sound asleep for this time period and was very groggy upon getting out of bed.

This is very unusual for me who is rather chipper in the early morning hours. I do believe it has something to do with the fact I am going to sleep later and later. I need at least six hours of sleep to feel refreshed and I can get along on this but I like to avoid this at all cost. Also; depending on my exercise intensity there are some days where I need even more sleep. I guess my exercise intensity was fairly high yesterday morning because I was wiped out this morning. I take this as a good sign because I am sleeping more soundly then I have in the past year and a half.

I have also noticed that the queen bed I sleep in is much too large for only one person. It is very easy to make the bed in the morning because I seem to disturb no part of the covers. My head hits the pillow and a few hours I wake up in virtually the same position. I not sure but I think I have been like this all my life so when my wife returns to our king size bed she will have more room for herself!!

This morning as I sat in my office I received a telephone call from one of the voices of my past. I was very surprised to hear this voice and the more I think about it I shouldn’t be that surprised. This voice goes back a few years and yes, we hadn’t spoken nor had any other correspondence in the past 20 months of any kind yet we had a nice conversation this morning. There are some people who would tell me that I should be angry at people but I don’t feel any anger whatsoever. I’m not sure if this is normal but it is truly how I feel. Things happen in life and life is much too short to get angry. I made my share of mistakes and so has the person I spoke with.

The telephone call was in response to an email I had sent last week. At the exact moment my cell phone rang I was researching this person’s telephone number. I am not big on coincidences and I don’t see this as a coincidence. There is a random chaotic order in the universe and I love just going with it. As I mentioned the conversation was very cordial and who knows where it leads. No promises were mentioned just a few possibilities so once again I let go and see where it all leads.

Getting back to me feeling no anger; it is not as if I have talked myself out of feeling angry (at least I don’t think so) I just want to focus on the positive. I do believe positive being yields positive results. Keeping with this theme there was some very positive news at work. As I mentioned my boss practices the principles of “The Secret” and today I witnessed the power of this attraction thinking.

The good news keeps the business a float for a little longer and I might even graduate to a paid member from my volunteer services. I was given the news and I swear tears came to my eyes. Yes, I am getting very soft in my old age but I was flabbergasted. I didn’t see it coming and good things do happen to good people. Yes, like attracts like which is why I remain positive all the time.

Breath of "Fresh" Air

Hump day and now I am gearing myself for “hump” month as I look forward to my family’s arrival at the end of June or early July. The “plan” is for me to fly out to New Jersey and drive back with my family. I am not so sure this “plan” will “cut the mustard” with my Parole Agent. It does appear I won’t be given permission to go back for my daughter’s communion at the end of April. I don’t know what type of reception I will receive if I ask about going back at the end of June.

Most likely it will be the beginning of July because I am attending the National Council for Problem Gambling’s Annual Conference at the end of June. I have been invited by the Executive Director of the Council and hopefully I will get the opportunity to speak. I am fortunate because this Conference which is held each year (hence the “annual” moniker!) is being held in Southern California so I shouldn’t be prohibited from attending.

I really don’t want my family to drive across country without me and having the car shipped is much too expensive and add in the airfares for three people; driving across country would be a much less expensive alternative. Once again I have no control of the situation and I will accept the decision. I do know that whatever happens will be for the very best and this is the case for me not being able to go at the end of April. I still will ask again when I see my Parole Agent next month so I still have hope.

The hump month would be May because that would leave only one more month before my family rejoins me out here in California. It is odd being out here without my family but I am managing. My dear friends have opened up their home to me and I do feel like a family member. In lieu of a rent payment I have offered my services as a babysitter for their two little ones and have been taken up on this twice already. Babysitting for two little ones does bring back memories for me and I can say I am very happy my children are older. Babies and toddlers are wonderful but they do take up a great deal of energy.

A few years ago I decided with my wife’s consent that we were done having any more children since we had one daughter and one son. While I was in prison I did have some fleeting thoughts about having another child but as I stated those were fleeting thoughts and now I am very happy with my decision not to add to our family. I am not getting any younger although I still feel the same way I did 10 years ago but I will enjoy every moment with my children as they grow up. My daughter is 10 and it is amazing how fast those 10 years have gone and I shudder to think that in only another 10 years time she will be 20 years old. Wow time does go by quickly and I must stay in the present relishing every moment.

My new position is moving along and I do question the longevity of this position. My boss has run a very successful counseling practice for a number of years. However; in recent months due to the financial crisis of the state of California the center has fallen on hard times. Things are very difficult and I had the uncomfortable task of breaking the not so good financial well being of the center to my boss.

I am very happy to volunteer my services and I am eternally grateful for the opportunity but at some point I won’t be able to survive as a volunteer nor will the counseling center. As always I don’t know what the future holds and I will live one moment at a time. My days are very fulfilling and like I have mentioned previously those days go by in warp speed. My boss practices the principles of “The Secret” and he firmly believes things will turnaround. I do hope he is correct because it is a great place to work with amazing people.

Today in order to remain “present” I took a walk for about 30 minutes in lieu of a lunch break. In years gone by I would stay indoors in an office environment for 10 straight hours and that was no way to live. The weather in this part of the country is wonderful and 30 minutes outside during the middle of the day did wonders for me. I do see changes within myself because I would have never thought of doing this in a previous lifetime. My time in prison taught me to love the outdoors and getting outside is vitally important. The sunshine was so much better then the florescent lights and the warm breeze was so much better then the air conditioning. As I walked I smiled knowing everything in my life is incredible.

Still Smiling

Tomorrow will mark two weeks since my release from prison and those two weeks have flown by so quickly. I am back in the working world and now I understand how time can get away fast. I have developed a routine (no surprise there!) where I get up early (not as early as when I was in prison but still early), go to the gym for at least a two hour workout. While in prison I could break up my routine into sections which probably allowed me to gain a few pounds in those 19 months.

Yes, I actually gained 8 pounds in that time and no one (other than me) noticed. I would workout with my roommate with the weights for almost two hours and later in the day I would embark on some type of aerobic activity be it running or hiking. I have come to realize those aerobic sessions weren’t nearly as intense as my regular gym aerobic sessions. Sure I used to run for two hours and then some but the intensity level was certainly lower.

Now that I am actually back inside the gym I go through an hour sometimes longer weight workout followed by at least an hour aerobic workout. I am alternating between the treadmill and stationery bicycle each day of my work out. Last week I went four consecutive days before taking a day off and surprisingly that one day led into three. It led into three because I had prior obligations in the morning and I didn’t feel like getting up at 3:00 am just to get my workout in. I do believe I am more in tune with my body then ever and if I miss a few workouts then so be it.

This week I worked out three consecutive days without taking a day off and that day off was this morning. I have been going to sleep so much later now then when I was in prison. My normal routine would be to be in bed by 9:00 pm and now I am fortunate to be in bed by 11:00 pm. There is certainly so much more to do out in the “free” world. Also; I am getting a more peaceful sleep then I have in the last 19 months since there isn’t anyone coming into my room and shining a flashlight in my eyes at 2:00 am! My head hits the pillow and I won’t wake up until it is time to get up.

I am still able to get along without an alarm and I was surprised on Sunday morning when I actually woke up an hour later then normal all due to the clocks going ahead. In years gone by I have troubling sleeping the night the clocks go ahead but not this year. It is so nice to have a down pillow and to sleep in a real bed as opposed to the oversized crib bed I had been sleeping in for the past 9 months.

I don’t rush in the morning and today I actually watched the first 15 minutes of the Today Show. The big story was about Elliot Spitzer and I don’t need to go any further because the story is everywhere. I will say karma does play a rather large role in everyone’s life and Mr. Spitzer is experiencing this firsthand.

The critical component for me is to stay peaceful, serene and calm. The “free”/”real” world has more negative influences then the “captive” world and really the “captive” world did not reflect the “real” world. It was almost like a sanctuary and believe it or not I am a very happy for the experience but I want to live in the “free” world as if it were a sanctuary (if any of this makes any sense??). The days go by fast and I am doing everything in my power to make the days count in a positive manner. The smile is still etched on my face. There are some very real challenges with my new position but I know everything will workout for the very best because it always does.

As I write this I am waiting for the GA meeting to begin. The GA meetings for Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday are in the same offices where I work so on Monday and Tuesday I have long days. I am not complaining because GA is a huge part of my life and I want and need GA in my life since it continues to save my life and give it purpose. I have gone to four GA meetings in the past four days and this appears to be my schedule for awhile at least until my family rejoins me in the summer. My day’s maybe routine but I relish this routine with a positive attitude.

Positive Through and Through

The ever popular “they” say attitude is everything and I can’t underscore this enough. A negative attitude brings about negative consequences and a positive attitude brings about positive results. (Note I replaced consequences with results for no apparent reason whatsoever!!) It has been three years since I have been in an office environment and really not much has changed in those three years.

The only significant change has been my attitude. I wouldn’t have labeled my attitude three years ago as negative but on the same token it certainly wasn’t positive. I was a bit okay I was more than a bit distracted for quite a long time in my previous job. The last six months before “it” all happened were horrible. I couldn’t sleep, I was constantly looking over my shoulder yet I couldn’t stop doing what I was doing. It is ridiculous when I look back but this is looking back with three years of recovery.

Regardless of some people’s opinions I wasn’t a mastermind manipulator nor was I scheming to bilk my previous company for years before I actually started. I stumbled upon it and yes, I most certainly exploited this to propel my compulsive gambling addiction. Three years later and with a prison stint under my belt (not too mention on my record as well) my life continues to get better all because of recovery. I sat in my office working and I couldn’t help but to smile. I am focused for the first time in recent memory. I embrace every moment and don’t mind doing the little things such as taking out the trash or (God forbid!) straightening out the bathroom!!!

Time is an amazing healer but it can only truly heal through recovery. Time continues to tick by no matter what I do and these past three years have flown by so quickly. I am eternally grateful for my recovery and the GA Program because I am getting my life back, and it is so much better then it has ever been.

My mother commented that my recent writings have sounded very peaceful. I do agree with her because I am at peace with myself. There is nothing I can do about my past deeds other then learn from them and become a better person. I also do my best to stay positive. I will reiterate as being positive is the key for me.

That fateful day over 19 months ago when I was sentenced and was led off in handcuffs from the courtroom was a true test of my attitude. I remember standing in the hallway off of the courtroom while the deputy was taking my belt and saying to myself “you will get through this and be a much better person”. Well 19 plus months later I have gotten through the prison sentence and I love the result. I remained positive, strong and safe the entire time and not one negative thing happened to me. Yes, a positive attitude does yield positive results.

"Inside" "Outside"

I can see the weekends are going to be the hardest part of the week while I wait for my family to rejoin me in June. I have absolutely nothing to complain about and I am so grateful to be a free person. I am doing my best to make everyday count and I am enjoying every moment. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch in a park I have never been to before. After lunch I started reading “The Innocent” by Harlan Coben while sitting in the park. The day was glorious and in between reading I observed people walking, playing and doing what “normal” folks do on gorgeous Saturday afternoon.

I walked around the neighborhood and took notice of all the “For Sale” signs. The real estate boom has hit this area of Southern California very hard. It was a good thing I was able to sell our house when we did almost two years ago because that appeared to be the top of the market. We sold our house for $550,000 and now a similar house (identical and it is only around the corner) is now listed at $330,000 and there aren’t any buyers.

As I walked around the neighborhood near the park I noticed the “For Sale” signs and most of those houses were vacant. I wondered where all of the families are going. Two years ago the area was booming and the housing prices had gone through the roof. In the almost five years we owned our home the price of the home doubled. Of course due to my compulsive gambling addiction there wasn’t very much of the proceeds available because I had taken out second and third mortgages.

I always found it amazing how in my case the Prosecution displayed how I had put a pool in as if this were the reason I was embezzling. The pool was paid for by one of those second mortgages and I wouldn’t dare use my “gambling money” for any other types of expenditures. Yes, my mind was sick and twisted.

Anyhow as I walked around I went into an open house just to see what was available (I have no delusions that I will be able to afford a house anytime soon as I have significant other obligations to address before even contemplating purchasing a home. I will say I know I will be a homeowner again and it will be sooner as opposed to later. This is part of the Power of Intention and I know good things will continue to happen.) I was amazed as to how much the values of the homes have dropped. I had heard horror stories how the previous owners would trash the home before moving out as a way to take out their frustrations or get back at the bank.

I really don’t understand this logic because it is only a house which is a material possession so destroying makes no sense to me. The house I went into was not trashed and was basically in good shape. There was an oddity as I walked through the master bedroom I noticed a window air conditioner placed in one of the windows of this master bedroom. The house was only 3 years old and had a working central air conditioner so I asked why the stand alone air conditioner. The Real Estate Agent surmised that the owner was trying to save on their electric bills so they would huddle in the master bedroom on hot evenings. I do remember the astronomical electric bills and I do understand the theory.

Yes, the housing prices have fallen and I am guessing they will continue to fall at least for the next year if not longer. I wasn’t looking for a house and I guess I decided to take the walk because I could. It is so nice no, that is too mild; it is wonderful to be free and to be able to do just about anything I want. Having lunch in a park, walking around a different neighborhood and looking at homes may not sound like a great Saturday afternoon but it was. The only part that missing was my family. This is the difficult part but I know it is only temporary and the next three months will pass soon enough.

I think what makes this extra difficult is the fact I am back in the same area where we were altogether less then two years ago. I miss the soccer games, the cheerleading contests and I miss my wife, daughter and son. I have spoken with them everyday since I was released which helps maintain a much better connection then the previous 19 months. It is great speaking with my wife, daughter and son daily. My daughter has called me the past three days and I love hearing her voice as she says, “hello, Daddy”. The connection continues to grow and before I know it the activities will resume in full force. Now my wife is the sole provider or “chauffeur” for the activities and I can tell it is taking its toll on her. I will be able to give her a respite when they come out and there will not be one complaint from me.

Today I worked out in the morning at the gym and it feels great to be at a gym with normal weights, treadmills, bicycles and other exercise equipment. I went for a 10 mile run on the treadmill and the endorphins were really popping. I most certainly enjoyed the time outside when I was “inside” but for whatever reason I feel I get a better workout on the treadmill. I do intend to go for more outside runs now that I am “outside” but for the time being I do enjoy the statistics on the treadmill. I can really gage the intensity of my run on the treadmill and today was an intense day.

I spent most of the morning in the gym but it was much too nice outside to be inside today. I broke down and went to Starbucks for the first time since my release, today. I don’t have much excess capital and with the restrictions of my parole I have to be very careful how I spend my money. I am now a cash and carry person which really isn’t a bad thing but when my cash runs out my wife needs to send me a check. With her residing on the other coast I must be judicious with the funds I currently have. However; today I did go to Starbucks for a combination breakfast and lunch since I skipped eating anything before I worked out. It wasn’t too costly and I had my old usual of a chai tea with soymilk. It tasted just like it tasted over 19 months ago and the blueberry oat bran bar was delicious.

I walked around the mall after sitting in Starbucks trying to get online. I am so far out of the loop that I thought Starbucks offered free wireless internet service (I think they should for the prices they charge!). I brought in the laptop and tried to connect but the service cost $9.99 for 24 hours and there was no way I could purchase this since I am prohibited from owning a debit or credit card. I doubt very much if I would have purchased the access if I had a debit or credit card. That would have been a very unnecessary expense so I went for a walk around the mall.

I never realized how nice the local mall is. It was very clean and there weren’t many people in the mall. There weren’t many people because the day was so beautiful. I took this as a cue to go outside. I drove through our old neighborhood and much to my surprise there was only one house on our old block which was for sale. However; as I went down the block I discovered 7 other for sale signs. I did notice a house for rent and I called the agent to see how much rent was going for but I had to leave a message and the agent has yet to call me back. From here I went to a local park with a very nice lake. I took out my book and sat by the lake reading. I was enjoying the warm sunshine and enjoying watching all the families walk by. My life is incredible.

No "Grind" Here

My life is a joy. It is wonderful to be able to go for lunch in the park and just sit and watch all the people. Today after a very good GA meeting I went to a new store which opened up while I was “away” and this store (Henry’s Market) has been designed for someone like me. Yes, that is right they sell only peanut butter, oatmeal, beans and rice!!! Okay that is my attempt at humor as they sell a few other items!!! Henry’s Market is in the Wild Oats Supermarket family and I used to frequent Wild Oats often when I resided in Las Vegas.

I took my time walking through the store and browsed at my leisure. These are very simple tasks which I have so often taken for granted but ever since I entered recovery three years ago and certainly since my release last week I do my best not to taken anything for granted. Life goes by so quickly and it is so easy to get caught up in the day to day “grind”. I embrace the “grind” and to me there is no such thing as a “grind” since my life as been reawakened.

I do feel like a new person and the free world has not changed very much in the past 19 plus months. In fact I have gone back to my old gym and it is exactly how I remembered it even the people who frequented it over a year and a half ago are still there. The people who man the front desk treat me just like they did and I am fairly certain my membership expired last year yet I just walk in like I was just there last week. One of the trainers who knew me asked me where I have been and my replied was “away”. I had to reiterate this a few times before he caught on and said, “Oh, it is good to have you back”. It is good to be back and the picture in my mind of the gym before I got is exactly as I have envisioned. I believe a few other gyms have opened in the area which has taken away some business because the gym seems to have less people working out even at the early hour of 5:30 am.

I have been welcomed back to society with open arms. I have felt no negative feelings from anyone and it is so wonderful to be able to go to a real live GA meeting. Last Saturday was my first meeting away from the “camp” in over 19 months and there was nothing but love in that room. I have gone to three other meetings since that meeting (not including this morning’s meeting) and each meeting has been very special. There are many people who were new to me and there were the stalwarts who are very special to me because they are the epitome of GA people helping people recover from a compulsive gambling problem.

Next there will be a birthday celebration for four people. I will be celebrating my third birthday in the program along with a dear friend who is celebrating her third birthday as well. My boss will be celebrating his fifth birthday and another member will be celebrating her first birthday. On my first birthday I celebrated with three other members as well. Unfortunately, two of those members are no longer associated with the program. I don’t know if they have ventured back out into the compulsive gambling black hole but I do hope they are doing well. The statistics bear out that only 8% of the people who enter the Gamblers Anonymous make it to their first birthday and I would believe the percentage drops off from there as they approach their two, three, and four and so forth birthdays.

This is ashamed because I know for certain GA continues to save my life. I will not be in the position I am currently in had it not been for the GA Program and the incredible people associated. I am living with a dear friend from GA who has graciously lent me his car for as long as I need. I am working for another friend in the GA Program who has given me a second chance. He displays a great deal of confidence, support and trust in me and I am eternally grateful.

As I have mentioned I have restrictions which has been placed on me as I serve parole. The Parole Department does not necessarily believe in giving a person a clean start once the prison sentence is served. I cannot do what I have been trained to do because of these conditions. I can’t say that I disagree because they are protecting their best interests. They (the system) don’t know me from Adam and I am just a file. I am no different from any other ex-convict which is why my Parole Agent will not allow me to travel to New Jersey.

The sentiment is that I may not come back to California because of my restitution obligations. Once again I cannot disagree with this thought process because I am certain others have runaway after serving their prison term. I have no intention of running away because I am on the downward slope of this journey.

Yes, I have restitution obligations which I will address to the best of my ability. It would be wonderful to visit with my family and see my children while celebrating my daughter’s communion but I need permission to attend. I cannot push the issue because ideally I would like to go to New Jersey when my children finish school in June and drive back with them. Hopefully I will be able to do this. I do know whatever happens will be for the very best because this is how my life is; for the very best.

Rumplestilskin

Last night my friend asked me how I have done with the adjustment from being in prison to being in the free world as a regular person. I responded by saying I believe I have transitioned very well and it has been somewhat seamless. It has now been over one week since my release and the prison experience is getting smaller. I very much doubt I will ever forget that experience nor do I want to ever forget. I am very grateful for the experience and thanks to recovery my life continues to be saved. I will say time has accelerated so much in the past week. I do find it hard to believe I would dedicate 2 to 3 hours a day writing long with more time reading and exercising. I barely seem to find 2 to 3 minutes to write and I have yet to pick up a book since my arrival in the free world. I have kept my television viewing to a minimum but my internet browsing has increased exponentially.

Last night I perused the internet for a few hours and before I realized it was 1:00 am. I did google myself to see if there were any articles written in the past year and a half. The only article of significance was the LA Times article written at the end of 06. (I do feel a little like Rumpelstilskin as I seemed to have slept through at least an entire year!!! I find it hard to believe is 2008.) I did see some responses to that article which ranged from "he got what he deserved" to "a person like that does not belong in prison".

I also browsed around for other articles on some of the characters I have met over the past year and a half. My story seems mundane compared to a few of the other stories and my dollar amount appears minuscule. I have learned not to believe what I read nor do I believe everything I hear. It is odd to meet someone and spend a considerable period of time with that person knowing nothing about their background. Then reading about their program and saying to myself that is not the person I knew. I guess the moral of the story is people are people and God knows I have made mistakes. I no longer judge a person by what I see, read or hear. The fact of the matter is I no longer judge and this makes life so much better.

Here it is the end of my first official work week in quite sometime. I am back in an office environment and enjoying every moment. The week has been anything but dull and I am so grateful for the opportunity to help in anyway I can. My current job assignment has a long way to go and I am not very certain as to the fiscal standing of this assignment but I will continue to relish the opportunity. I do hope everything does work out well for my boss who has a heart of gold.

Monthly Meeting

Life is certainly so much better on the "outside" as opposed to being on the "inside". I do have a "leash" which has been placed around me that is called parole. I do prefer the "leash" over being incarcerated anyday of the week. Today I had my monthly meeting with my Parole Agent. I am required to check-in once a week with my Parole Agent which takes place the first Thursday of the month. I have other parole conditions such as not being able to maintain a checking account, debit card, credit card nor can I have access to any financial instruments as part of my job. Also; I am not allowed to venture on Native American land. These conditons should be released in thirteen months as I complete parole. There is no guarantee I will be released in thirteen months since my parole terms are for 3 years. I have been told that if I abide by all my conditions and don't cause any concerns for my Parole Agent I should be discharged from parole at the end of 13 months which would be March 27, 2008.

I need to go back to last week when I first met with my Parole Agent. My wife picked me up right on time at 8:00 am from the fire camp and I was so happy to see her. From there we went directly to the Parole office. Prior to my departure from the fire camp I was given my parole sheet which has a section for "special conditions". This section was left blank and I thought this was a positive aspect since I would only have to abide by the regular conditions of parole. These regular conditions consist of not being able to travel beyond 50 miles of my home address without permission of my Parole Agent, not owning a firearm and a few other simple conditions. I was a bit concerned about the "special conditions" so when I noticed this section was left blank I was very happy.

My happiness was short lived as my Parole Agent took upon herself to implement the "special conditions" I wrote about in the previous paragraph. I have mentioned this before and I will reiterate I will abide by whatever conditions that have been placed because life on the outside is so much better than life on the inside. Fortunately I have a very understanding boss who understands my special conditions so instead of being an employee I am an independent contractor supplying consultanting services. This means I have no access to financial instruments.

As part of the regular parole conditions parolees are required to submit to a urnie analysis for drug testing purposes. Last week when I initial met with the Parole Agent I submitted to a urine analysis. As the Agent perused through my file she realized I didn't have any drug related charges and informed me she would no longer require me to submit to the urnie analysis. This is not a big deal to me as I have never taken any illegal drugs my entire life. The only very slight issue for me is being able to "go" and last week I had no problem. Today as soon as the Agent greeted me I was given a vial for a urine analysis. I didn't say anything but I gave the Agent a bit of a look and I was met with "sometimes I may require you (me) to test". I didn't mind and fortunately I didn't have any problem "going" this morning. I do understand how the rules are very subjective as the Parole Department is part of the Prison System where I have served over 19 months adapting to the ever changing rules.

When I was finished with the urine analysis test I was done in the eyes of the Agent. I did have a few questions because I don't want to do anything wrong. I asked if I could attend the California Council for Problem Gambling's Board Meeting this Saturday in Los Angeles. Since the meeting will take place over 50 miles away from where I am living I needed permission which was granted without issue. I then asked if I could house/dog sit for our friends later this month for a week. I thought it would be a good idea to inform my Agent that I would be residing at another house for a week. Once again this was not a problem and was granted permission. I had prepared two sheets with all of this information and gave them to my Agent. She seemed to be very grateful for this.

Finally I asked if I could go to New Jersey for my daughter's first Holy Communion ceremony next month. I was emphatically denied this request. I did ask why and was told it is too early in my parole and with my crime the likelihood of me returning to California is in question. I did find that last statement a little perplexing since I had prepared a sheet with all my contact information in New Jersey which can be verified well in advance of my departure. I also asked about providing a bond or even having a chaperone but the Agent did not seem to listen to these suggestions. The Agent then said she was thinking like her Supervisor so I asked if I could speak to the Supervisor. Yes, I could speak with the supervisor but they were not in this morning so I would need to call them tomorrow.

I am in a bit of a quandary because on the one hand I really want to see my children and I especially want to attend my daughter's communion ceremony. However; on the other hand I don't want to jeopardize my standing with the Parole Agent by going over her head. I do believe the less the Agent has to do with me the better it is. At this point I am not sure whether I will call the Supervisor. I need to think more about it and maybe one more month of building some credibility with the Agent would help. Also; I do want to go back to New Jersey in June when my family is ready to rejoin me as we can drive back across country. June maybe more feasible then April so I have something to think about. Yes, my wife did inform me she and the children will be rejoining me in California when the children finish school in June. My wife told me this as soon as she picked me up from the fire camp last week. Everything is coming together wonderfully and my life is extraordinary.

It has been One Week Already

It is hard to believe one week has elapsed since my release. The world has been put on fast forward and I am doing my best to enjoy every moment. For whatever reason I have not dedicated any time to posting. I spent the last 19 plus months writing everyday diligently and now in the past week I have basically written nothing. I apologize and I am hoping to dedicate time in the coming days to posting.

It is so very nice to sit at a computer and type. This certainly beats the pen to paper method I have used over the past year and a half plus. I can say I am loving life in the free world. I do miss my family tremendously but I get to speak with them daily. I swear my daughter has matured so much and so has my son. My hopes are to see them at the end of April when my daughter makes her first Holy Communion in New Jersey. My Parole Agent is the one to say yes or no to this and obviously I am hoping for a yes. I have my monthly meeting with the Parole Agent tomorrow morning and I may or may not broach the subject of traveling to New Jersey with her then.

Once again I apologize for the brevity and hope to be back to more detail very soon. Thank you!!!

SOON...

Hello!!! Yes, it is finally me doing the typing. This is just a short message as I just received internet access. I will resume posting tomorrow (Thursday) and I will recount the fabulous week. It is so good to be in the free world and I have noticed that time has sped up tremendously. I am still enjoying every moment and love every step of this journey. Thank you everyone for all of the heartfelt wishes and support over the past 19 months. My life is remarkable and there are so many remarkable people in my life. Thank you!!!