Piercing the Denial

The GA birthday “high” (I could think of a better term) lasted all day yesterday and well into today. I do vividly remember my first birthday celebration two years ago and how incredibly spiritual that meeting was. The day after that celebration I ran in the Los Angeles Marathon and I was on such a “high” I went out a little too fast and didn’t have much in the last few miles. The feeling was much the same today and although I didn’t run in a marathon I found myself at the gym for 3 plus hours going through a great workout but later on in the day I was feeling a little less “high”.

The great day of yesterday continued as I was invited of our dear friends’ house for dinner. I actually had two invitations last night and both are dear friends. The second invitation came earlier on Saturday but I had committed to the first set of dear friends earlier in the week. These are dear friends of both my wife and me. The similarities between our families are uncanny. They have a daughter and son the same age as our daughter and son. In fact their birthdays are only a few weeks apart. At first this was my wife’s friend but through all of this they have become very dear friends of mine as well.

It is somewhat difficult being there with them without my wife and children. However; I do know it is only very temporary and we will be sharing nights like these very soon. The night was very pleasant as we talked. My friend did give me some very good advice about the proposal I was given last week and now I have to digest this advice as I move forward.

We had a great dinner and once again I declined any alcoholic beverage. I haven’t had a drink of any type of alcohol since I have been released. It is over 20 months since my last glass of wine. I don’t believe I have given up drinking wine or beer but for some reason I am very reluctant to have a drink especially when I have to drive. I would expect the first sip of wine to go straight to my head which is why I will wait for the right time.

I had met several people in prison who were there for alcohol related crimes and really they were very unfortunate accidents. I don’t want to get behind the wheel even if I were to have only one drink. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been drunk and I have written this before but I will reiterate two of those three times occurred in the last six months of my completely out of control compulsive gambling behavior. As I look back I really see I needed to escape from the escape but had no idea how to accomplish this.

Speaking of looking back I received an envelope from my father who contained letters we wrote one another some 13 and 14 years ago. These letters were a precursor of things to come in my life. As I read these letters I realized how much in denial I was back then as I faced my second fall from grace due to my compulsive gambling addiction. I was a complete “jack-ass” in those letters not telling the truth. I never took personal responsibility for my actions. I may have had the “good talk” but that was so superficial.

My father was right on in these letters and he even mentioned attending Gamblers Anonymous. I was in such denial I don’t even remember him mentioning this until I re-read these letters today. The “writing” was on the wall and I couldn’t see past my arrogant self. Oh yes, there is no doubt I had the I am better then everyone attitude and could do it my way. Well, this didn’t work out so well but thankfully, some sense has been knocked into my thick skull and life does continue to get better as each day passes.

These letters are a reminder of a person I once was and pray to God I never become again. As long as I continue the path of my recovery and apply the principles of Gamblers Anonymous in my daily affairs my life is wonderful. Denial is such a powerful attribute of the ego and it would be great if this could be pierced easily but life does have a way of working out the way it works out. (Gee that was a profound statement!!) I am grateful for the way it continues to work out as being, open, honest; willing and positive are the way to a fantastic way of life.